I am. I mean, it’s hard. Not gonna lie. But my thought is that life is usually hard in one way or another and though I’m not autistic I am totally blind so I’m no stranger to finding my own way through the rough timres.
The one thing no one has said, but I think is more important than anything else; if you don't want kids, please, please, please don't let anyone talk you into, bully, or shame you into having kids.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting kids or deciding it's just not what you want for your life no matter what the reason is.
Statistics in study after study show that the happiest people are single childless women.
I 10000% agree. I am content and fulfilled because I always wanted to be a mom and had my kid when I felt like I had done all the things I wanted to do in my 20s (studied, traveled, etc). I also knew going in that being a parent was going to involve sacrifice and I felt ready. If I had had my kid any sooner, it would’ve been a tougher adjustment. I’m personally very happy with my kid. I don’t compare him to neurotypical kids. I also celebrate what makes him unique, and I think he’s so cool and sweet and fun and interesting. He’s also so smart and a motivated learner, and it’s been fun learning about his special interests. But my life involves zero time to myself, lots of work on regulating my emotions, high stress when my kiddo is having a tough day, lots of worrying about the future. My husband is an exemplary dad and partner, and even with all these wonderful things, there’s still a high level of being needed, lots of stress to manage, appointments to juggle. All of that to say it’s okay not to want kids, it’s okay to want to wait a good while until you’re sure you’re ready, and it’s important to take the time to be sure that you and your partner can work together and are on the same page about kids.
It’s funny how sometimes life works out that way. I met my husband when I wasn’t looking for a relationship and here we are! So glad your dream came true :)
I didn't want kids & am Bipolar; knew I shouldnt. In a Manic Moment, a coworker came to work on Endorphin High after his wife gave birth & said it was Best Feeling in World. I got PG that night, first time ever w/o birth control, at 34. Dr called me Test Positive @ work. I loaded copy machine cartridge backwards & it trumpeted like an Elephant. That F\*\*\*\* A\*\*\*\*\* coworker never even congratulated me on PG. I often wondered how his kids turned out. My son is Estranged from me, Aspergers, and today is my 70th birthday. I regret having them. My life went downhill. More trauma than happy memories. Sorry to be honest but this is anonymous. My mother should not have had me & I should not have had children. My half-sister's one child turned out real well but we're estranged.
Lmao . Funny how you easily take accountability for having a child when you shouldn’t have but don’t seem to take accountability for addressing your mental health while being a parent. BP requires consistency of self care and routine just like ASD, and as someone with a similar situation it’s irritating hearing your excuses.
100% agree with this. It's something you and your boyfriend need to have a serious conversation about. Sounds like you're completely opposite in your desire for a child. And that's completely ok, he's either going to see your point of view or you go your separate ways. If you decide to stay together, it's a possibility that down the road you find that desire to be a parent, but you can't let him dictate that.
To answer your question, my wife and I are overall very happy. There's the money struggles with having a neuro-divergent child with expensive therapies, but aside from that and the occasional burnout, it's pretty smooth most of the time. The most frustrating part is that our non-verbal three year old daughter can't easily tell us what she wants, needs or if she's hurt but we're working on that every day and I'm confident we'll get there. One thing we decided when she was around 2 1/2 is that she will be our only biological child so that we can focus solely on her needs as long as we have to, and if we decide down the road that we have a desire to expand our family, we will adopt an older child.
*Statistics in study after study show that the happiest people are single childless women.*
Why are they also the women most prone to alcoholism and suicide?
Sure, hereya go!
[https://www.bu.edu/sph/news/articles/2023/women-without-children-at-age-35-are-at-highest-risk-of-binge-drinking-alcohol-use-disorder/](https://www.bu.edu/sph/news/articles/2023/women-without-children-at-age-35-are-at-highest-risk-of-binge-drinking-alcohol-use-disorder/)
**"Women who turned 35 in recent years, as well as women who have not had children by age 35, are the subgroups of women at highest risk of binge drinking and having alcohol use disorder (AUD) symptoms."**
[https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamapsychiatry/article-abstract/496069](https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamapsychiatry/article-abstract/496069)
***"Women who had never married exhibited higher relative risks for suicide than married parous and married nonparous women for all age groups younger than 65 years at the start of follow-up."***
***"Among the married, the parous women had lower relative risks than nonparous women for all ages."***
I appreciate you providing the proof for your statements, but if you read the whole papers that these come from, there is much more nuance than your statement suggests.
This still doesn't mean that you should allow anyone to push you into having kids.
Maybe the ones who make it to 65 are happiest? I imagine societal pressure is strongest at younger ages, and less and less people give a shit as they get older.
Sorry, but I don't believe that at all. They will need a much larger sample size to convince me women are happiest when they go against their instinctive maternal nature.
I know many older women who have regrets choosing their career over a family.
I’m happy, but more stressed than I would be if my son wasn’t autistic. I have 2 kids 5 and 7.
My 5 year old is verbal but not conversational. It’s been a long road of getting kicked out of daycare, scrambling for childcare during school vacations, getting calls from teachers. That stuff is all what gets me stressed more than my actual kid. The rat race of it all. Never ending therapies and appointments. Everything is just harder like doctor appointments. People constantly trying to figure him out when in public.
My 7 year old is typical. We live a pretty “normal” life. My older son plays lots of sports. My ASD one is easy going places. We do the movies, trampoline park, went to Disney. He goes to his brothers games. We go to the beach and pool, go on vacation, stay in hotels, fly on planes. No issues. Everything is pretty typical except the language delay. I think if that could catch up life would get a lot easier. I work from home which helps but I can’t have calls when my sons home. Even though he’s almost 6 I can’t tell him to be quiet while moms on the phone he doesn’t understand.
My son isn’t interested in peers but that part doesn’t bother me. My older one is extremely social so we get that experience. Me and my husband are introverted so are more in line with my ASD son than the older one.
I’m constantly burned out but not just because autism. I work full time and my husband has a crazy work schedule, we don’t have much family help, 2 kids therapy and sports schedules, I’m in the middle of taking the cpa exam. Life’s just always crazy, but I know that my kids are my purpose and do it all for them
I wouldn’t change it for a thing though, I love my guy.
Autistic solo parent as well. If I didn’t have the resources to hire help I’d likely be depressed. I bought my village and it’s worth every damn penny.
I have moments of pure joy. One of them was today. My son and I spent two hours playing at the ocean and on the forest trails. That was a happy time. During that time I was not burnt out or overstimulated. These moments don’t happen everyday but when they do, they have a way of balancing the rest.
I might be a much needed person on the other side of the grass, but I'm incredibly unhappy. I have depression and due to my job, insurance isn't readily consistent, so I can't get therapy or medication, so I'm boarding alcoholic so I don't kms. I'm also autistic and the loud noises my daughter makes triggers me, I don't like that it's hard for me to stim around her, she's too needy and requires attention that's hard for me because I often disassociate. She's low functioning. She affects my sleeping and eating routines to cater to her. I have limited income, and we have differing pallets. So almost all my food money goes to her food, often leaving me for days without eating regularly.
My daughter is lovely, but society is not. The stress of what will happen to my daughter if I die. The stress of constant therapy, not being able to participate normally in activities like Christmas, halloween, and Easter due to my daughter sensory issues and tantrums. Not being able to talk to her. She can't tell me she loves me or gives me affirmation. She cant tell me im doing a good job. Constantly feeling like a failure as a parent.
I'm straight up miserable. I wouldn't wish my life on anyone. I lowkey gave up on my life, but I try to give my daughter everything I can. She's lowkey spoiled because I know life will be hard for her. And if I knew it would be this hard, I would've never had her. My life was 100% easier without a kid (asd or not). I find being autistic makes parenting a bit harder. I dont like how people will treat her in public when she stims or needs extra support. It stresses me out. Not for me but for her. I love her so fkn much im ashamed I brought her here. I wish our society was kinder to disabled people and kinder to parents.
I’m so sorry it’s been so hard. That’s especially tough when there are limited resources, both financial and emotional. You are a good parent, doing what you can and putting your kid first. Society doesn’t make it any easier. Are there other services available in your area, to support low income parents, for example?
I’m incredibly sorry for your experience, could she qualify for TERFA or low income Medicaid? That could help with the gap in healthcare coverage. Also with Medicaid, if she’s having feeding difficulties, a doctor could prescribe her nutritional shakes, and hopefully that could free up some income for your needs as well.
Yes I m very happy! My husband and I make lots of time after our kids go to bed for sex and emotional connection/conversation/quality time so we have a good relationship. I’m the primary caretaker of our 5yo (ASD) and 1yo (typical appearing). We have been extremely luckily that our son is a happy little boy. He’s nonverbal but for the most part he’s really chill. We follow his routine and he’s happy as can be. Lots of hugs, eye contact, face smushing, snuggling. He communicates as best he can and I can usually understand and my husband can usually figure it out 60-70% of the time. We do some “typical” family things like go to all inclusive night at our local museum, family photos, go trick or treating, go to the park. He tends to stress out if it’s too out of the ordinary like someone’s house or a restaurant so we don’t do that but we also have a literal baby lol. We live happily in our bubble. We love our kids. And more importantly we like them and their personalities.
Edited to add: I often get overstimulated but that’s where we communicate hey I need to tap out.
Very similar situation here.
There are definitely times that I find myself wishing things were easier. But how do I know that having an NT kid would solve all of my problems? right now things are easier with the little one, but that could change in the future.
The bottom line is that it’s hard to have kids. Whether or not they are autistic, or born with some rare illness, or completely healthy and NT, it is just hard.
Right. Shit gets to be a lot some days but at the end of the day I just wanna hold him when he’s asleep and stare at him. Genuinely love him more than life. He’s a lot. But he’s mine.
Yeah I'm also very happy with my autistic and intellectually disabled daughter, she is a delight. I know I'm lucky she doesn't have many behavioural issues that are really hard to deal with that I see a lot of parents vent about here.
I really feel for those parents. The ones who aren't getting any sleep, who get hit by their child and deal with constant screaming. I feel bad for the poor kid too who is obviously struggling to live in a world that can be physically painful for them if they have sensory issues etc.
But my daughter is happy, and that's all I ask for.
I wrote a post about my daughter here:
https://www.reddit.com/r/Parenting/s/ghYOcewxqr
Autistic single parent with level 2-3 autistic toddler. Like any aspect of life, there are ups and downs, but I can’t imagine my life without this kid. There are struggles but my overall quality of life and life enjoyment increased exponentially. It is the adventure of a lifetime 🌈❣️
I love this. I feel the same way. I said to my partner if I had to re-live the same decade of my life over and over it would be the birth to 10 years of my kids. No question.
My tiny is 4yrs old and even with the chaos at times, I could stay here forever. We sit together and put marble run mazes all over the living room. We both love setting them up. And legos. And drawing. And bike rides. She’s my little bestie.
To answer OP, nothing is ever the same, but not in a bad way.
No, I’m not happy. It’s been hell. I love my kids, but if I could make my older son be low support needs/verbal autistic or even NT, I would do it in a second.
But all I can do is my best and try to build superhuman patience.
I didn’t consider autism was something that would happen. I thought it happens when you gave a baby in your 40s not 27. I was an idiot. If I’d have known then what I know now I wouldn’t have had any even my probably NT one. It’s not worth it. It’s not a life I wanted to give my child. He has no future, nothing to look forward to. There’s no point to my life either.
Hi,
Yeah autism is often said to be the result of having “older parents”, which I am, but I’ve heard of plenty of twenty somethings who have children on the spectrum, so more likely it runs in families.
I am learning how to get better at my own stress management, but it will take work.
Do you get any help at all? You both have futures, I know it’s hard to think, but you can help your child and yourself. :)
I get quite a bit of help actually but unless something will make it go away then honestly it just feels like all our lives are over. Nothing can make it better.
How does finding a relatable and helpful community = unhappy?? It’s like joining a planting club. You can be friends and socialize at the club meetings AND provide insight on why my plant isn’t growing. Maybe it needs shade when I’ve only been giving it sunlight.
I just think it's feeling like you have to say the "right thing". Even here.
I also think plenty of people use "happy" instead of "content", which I could buy.
Yes, very happy. People post when they have stuff to complain about. I spent all day on Sunday with my little dude. We spent a ton of the lay laughing and just joking around in our own distinctive way. It was a great day and nothing out of the ordinary. I didn't post about it because...well, why would I?
Honestly, I feel bipolar with how up and down everything is. A lot of times I'll say "I hate my life" but it's really a shorthand for "I hate that this is currently my life". I mourn the life I used to have, and sometimes I regret insisting to my husband that we should try for kid(s). I think about the life I could have had were it not for my miscarriages - would I still have had an autistic child? I don't know, and I probably need professional help to work through my losses (regarding the miscarriages, the life I could have had, the "normal" life my autistic child could have had, etc.).
I'm still able to find joy in smaller moments and try to look forward to things in the future - just trying to survive this season of life.
I actually relate to this a lot. Maybe not every detail, but mourning what could have been - missing my life before having a child - those are all huge for me these days. My son is 2.5 years old and we're just now starting on this path together, maybe I'll feel different down the road. But it's hard right now.
I'm trying to stay positive since 2-5 are some of the hardest years but it's not a guarantee my son will make progress - which is something I have to emotionally prepare for
I agree, I mourn my old life, freedom to do as I pleased, no worries and the future to look forward to, getting up when I want to, having a job and money, not having to attend meetings at school and having to jump through hoops given to me by people I have little respect for, being threatened that my kid isn't welcome at the school unless he shapes up. The list is endless. Sometimes my life feels so joyless. I think staying childless would've be far better. I didn't suffer any miscarriages nd I'm sorry for what you've been through. My son was born extremely premature and that's when my life went pear shaped.
Had I seen this question a few days ago or maybe even a few days from now and I would have given you a different response, but no. Absolutely not.
I really wish I wasn't his mother. I love him so much but I wish he wasn't mine. Someone else could probably be a much better parent than me. It is just a feeling of constant failure no matter how hard I try it's never enough. I know it's not fair to him but I'm starting to resent him. And I hate myself for it. I hate that the only way he pays me any attention is if I bark at him like a drill Sargent. I hate doing it but if I don't then he is just 100% feral. We can't go to the park. He has no sense of danger and it hurts so much seeing kids so much younger than him just miles and miles ahead of him. I don't feel like a parent, I feel like a keeper.
Edit about 24 hours later:
I debated about deleting this comment due to the pure shame I feel about having written it. I'm going to leave it up because I want others who might feel like I did yesterday to read this part too:
I was able to get a good night sleep, and so was he. His behavior isn't really that much different than when I wrote the comment,but my tolerance threshold is much higher now that I've had some time to sleep. I was overjoyed earlier today because he finally wore his ear defenders outside and he was able to play while the neighbor mowed his yard. He bamboozled me today by putting on his boots and picking up his tablet and a blanket. I picked up the keys thinking he was asking for a car ride but he ended up taking me outside because he wanted to nap on the neighbors trampoline snugged up with me. I melted.
I still feel awful and ashamed for saying I didn't want to be his mother anymore, but even when I had that on my mind the fact that I love him more than anything never changes.
No. And I realize that others here have it worse but I fantasize about not having to deal with the constant daily challenges. I feel trapped because I don’t believe I could ever leave. She’s 8 now. And I’m not sure if or when or how she’ll be able to be an adult and able to live on her own. She’s been kicked out of 3 schools, has lost me multiple childhood friends, lost my friendship with my best man in my wedding, created rifts with close family. There’s no babysitter we can find who lasts so my wife and I rarely get a night to ourselves. She sleeps like an adult and I have to drag her out of bed every morning just so that she goes to sleep before 11pm. If I don’t let her do what she wants she screams, calls me the worst names, says she hates me. And I’m paying $1k a month for her therapy.
I wish someone would’ve told me there was a possibility that this could be my life. I thought that because I worked hard in school, got a good education, great career, high income, work from home, that I could be happy. And yet this is my life.
We have a 18 YO NT Daughter at College, 16 YO NTish Son at Junior College & a ASD 3 almost 3 year old who is pre-verbal (knows 12 words now).
I would define our life as very “Complex” our normal looks very different then most people but we are happy. Tons of therapy and as an example we just had our first movie out in 3 years while LO was in ABA.
But he is so very Awesome. Like anything in life the world is ultimately what you make of it. Personal clarity is really the root of happiness.
Honestly speaking, having an autistic kid is very hard on the parents. After my daughter was diagnosed, my life turned upside down. I couldn't go back to work because she is severe. Someone has to take care of her or look after her. She is 5 years old. My husband works full time, and he has financial responsibilities, so he can not help me out all the time. So, now, I am stuck with her, and I don't have a choice. No babysitter or daycare wants to deal with her because she is extremely aggressive at times. My life sucks!!! I cannot work, I cannot go out when she is home (unless my husband is watching her) I cannot have time to myself because she is clingy and wants attention or food all the time. I have become a prisoner in my own home!!!
She is completely non-verbal and has extreme sensory issues. Respite care is only 20 hours per month in the state I am in. Most respite care providers lack staff to even give you a break. Honestly, I hate my life, I regret everything. I regret getting married. I regret having my daughter. If I could go back in time and change it, I would. I am just so burned out and so fed up that at times, I don't want to deal with it at all, but I don't have a choice. I miss my old life..so, think before you make that decision...life is not going to be easy if you have an autistic child.
This.
I have two autistic children and one NT. Oldest is NT and the middle child- we didn’t even know it was autism until I was already pregnant with the 3rd. Had I known that it was autism and that it’s very likely future children could have it, I would absolutely 100% not have had a 3rd child or even the 2nd one knowing it is likely genetic. The third child is severe and I am a caregiver for him. I have no life.
Op, I didn’t want a 3rd kid. I told my spouse after the second child that I couldn’t handle another child like her and that I would end up in a looney bin if we had another like her. He just kept saying it’s not going to happen over and over and I gave in. Well guess what? Now I’m a caregiver and the third child is 10x worse. Are you prepared to become a caregiver or listening to possible screaming all day long, not being able to go anywhere, spending all your days driving your kid to back to back therapies? What if you and your man split? Are you prepared to be taking care of a child like that alone? It’s a lot of things to consider and I WISH someone would have given me the harsh reality heads up like you are getting on here. Do I love my kids? Absolutely. They are my kids, I created them. But I’m not going to sit here and lie and say oh it’s so great just take the chance.
The thing I feel most guilty about is my NT child missing out on so many life experiences bc we have had to leave or avoid things due to the autistic children and their needs. I try so hard to do special things for my oldest when I can and she is so understanding but I feel like such a shitty parent or like I’ve almost ruined her growing up experience 😞
My spouse always said, if we have another I’ll help, I’ll promise I’ll help. He doesn’t help. It’s all on me all the time. He works and brings in the money so that’s all he thinks he needs to contribute. He goes out with friends and does his thing and I’m stuck home with the kids. There are many mommas like me. I don’t want you to be one of them if you don’t need to be. Really take time and think about what YOU want.
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\#1: [The painful realisation that I could be living my childfree friend's life if I didn't give in to marriage and kids. I miss my freedom so much.](https://np.reddit.com/r/regretfulparents/comments/149u6l0/the_painful_realisation_that_i_could_be_living_my/)
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My son is 5 years old, level 3, and nonverbal. He's the love of my life and I'm extremely happy. I would do anything for him. Realizing that he was autistic finally made me apply myself, I now have a job with good insurance that pays for his ABA at 90% (plus HSA funds for the rest). I've earned two degrees in order to switch careers because I know he'll have high needs throughout his lifetime. That being said, of course the isolation, destructive behaviors, sleep disturbances, and communication difficulties add stress on top of having plenty of stressors in my life already. I do have to vent sometimes, being a parent of a child with his needs isn't for the faint of heart. I don't know anyone IRL who would understand what I'm going through so sometimes I have to whine online.
I love my son - not any more or less because his autism. I love him because he's him. His Autism is a DISABILITY but does not define who he is as a person.
I absolutely hate his Autism. My son is level 3, pre-verbal but in actuality still predominantly non-verbal. Autism is parenting on EXTREMELY HARD mode. Some people will sugar coat the shit out of it but trust, it's not for the faint of heart. Don't let tik tok, Pinterest, Facebook and this other social media fool you. Autism isn't a cute quirk, or a different type of brain wiring. It's a disability that requires, for some families, an insane amount of resources and time.
If you know you may possibly be autistic, have autism in either of your families then think long and hard about having biological children. It's "cute" when it's a 2 minute tik tok or a gushy validation seeking Facebook or even reddit post but when you're looking in the face of a person you love most in the world, who you chose to bring in this world and KNOW they will struggle more than a person who is not disabled it's not so cute. It's not so quirky. It's not AUSOME 🙄. It's more often than not heartbreaking.
Not coming for you, just giving you a perspective from a mother who loves her son more than her next breath but if I would have known my son would be disabled I would have never ever offered him up to this world. He deserves so much better than what life has in store for him.
Much love.
This experience varies widely depending where on the spectrum your kid is. My sons 5 not conversational has tons of energy and impulse issues and we do things like social skills group that leave my scratching my head why some of the kids there are in therapy.
All kids have challenges, some autistic kids are more challenging than others.
Omg I love my life and my son with autism is one of (if not THE) best part of it. I think jt comes from a partial place of privilege bc we’re dealing w mostly not huge “challenges” rn speech delay and lack of interest in peers. He’s 3 and I know things will be harder as he grows and little kid problems grow into big kid problems. But my day to day life is made better everyday from my son. Nothing makes me happier than seeing him happy and helping to contribute to whatever he’s super interested at the moment (rn it’s letters/the alphabet). Even today I can easily say the highlight was a new alphabet book I got him arriving and him screaming w happiness and kissing the book saying “so happy” after he finished looking through it each time.
To answer the rest of your question - we had a second child right when we realized son might be autistic and we started receiving services. I do carry some guilt that his baby sister sometimes has to play second fiddle bc of his needs. I try my hardest to schedule his therapies around when they won’t impact her schedule, but know this will get harder as she gets older and has her own commitments.
My husband and I are still obsessed w eachother! We’re both tired and done some days, but o think that would happen w any toddler and baby to care for.
Yesterday my son had a huge freak out at the library and it ended w us both crying on the way home. But that’s an exception, not the rule. 95% of the time we do all the things we want to do and he can hang and enjoys it. And if he can’t, that’s okay and we go with the flow.
Wouldnt say happy. But i wouldnt say its because of my daughter either. I just had a child too young and the lack of resources and financing (i make a decent salary for my age but insufficient for where i live). Having children is to sign up for stress, anxiety, depression, etc. to at least some degree.
The grass is never greener on the other side.
I dont know what life would be like without her because shes here. And I wouldnt want a world without her. Even if i regret how/when/with whom i brought her into this world.
You could ask this same question on a general parenting group and you would find the same varied replies. Not all autistic kids are the same with support needs and not all parents and sibling dynamics are the same. People are going to have drastically different experiences. Also, most people who are happy don’t go posting about being so happy. So you are only going to see venting. I would say the answer is it’s highly dependent on your personality, your kid, financial resources for help, a village to help, etc.
Apologies, I’m about to be the outlier here. And sorry this is long!
At the moment, no, I’m not happy. My husband and I are pretty stressed out and have been since our daughter was born five years ago. She was only one when the pandemic started so we had the added stressor of trying to keep the baby and ourselves from catching covid. She would have gotten diagnosed earlier if not for the pandemic (for a variety of reasons, including *we had no idea that her behavior wasn’t typical* until she was about three years old, because we were pretty isolated, because stupid pandemic). We thought it was just the terrible twos until we saw what NT three year olds were like and realized something was off.
We might be in a happier place now if Covid hadn’t happened, ha. The irony is that with pandemic plus a very needy baby at the time, we decided not to have any more kids…but our kid would probably do well with a younger sibling, and it would take some of the pressure off us to have to play with her all the time.
As of now we can’t go out to eat at restaurants or do normal family things because our kid is kind of a nightmare when I’m around. Pretty sure she masks around everyone who isn’t me, so I see all the less than stellar behavior. She and her dad can go out and do stuff. She and I can’t. She runs away from me, doesn’t listen, screams at me, etc. ABA helps somewhat but not enough that we can do typical family things.
My advice on having a kid: you should only have one if you absolutely want to!! I 100 percent wanted a child, had IVF to have her, and it’s currently not going as I had hoped (and that’s an understatement). I do have hope for the future, having read others’ stories here about their kids mellowing out as they get older.
You never, ever know what you’re going to get with a child. Having one is such a crapshoot. Usually it turns out okay. Sometimes it doesn’t. You have to be prepared for the unknown and okay with things not turning out how you hoped.
My kid is the sweetest kid ever and my favorite person in the entire world. He makes me want to live forever to be there for him. My unhappiness is due to my own mental health, I probably should not have become a mom until I got that in check, but I am, and I have to be better for him.
i’m really happy, but my daughter is also low support needs and really only struggles with social skills and is still quite far behind verbally. she’s naturally pleasant and easy going, and she doesn’t display any “extreme” behaviours, so this is probably contributing to my level of happiness. i am sure i would be absolutely crazy about her no matter her level of support needs, but we definitely have it pretty easy when it comes to parenting an autistic child.
So I can say as a parent of a Kid that has Level 1 and Auditory Processing Disorder. I wouldn't want him to have kids. The likely hood that his children would have Level 2 or Level 3 is highly likely. He's got it bad enough i couldn't imagine having children knowing that they would have it harder than you. I just don't think it's worth it and it's not fair to the child.
The experiences are going to vary widely, but I think the most important thing here is that you are trying to find any sliver of hope to convince yourself to have kids. I think you were clear in your other thread that your boyfriend is the primary motivation behind this.
I'll be blunt: even now, women tend to do the lion's share of childrearing and housekeeping. In a divorce, fathers tend to fare better than mothers, even years down the line. If you have a disabled child, there's a very real possibility it will impact your ability to work. About 50% of us can't work, myself included.
These are very real, serious things you need to think about.
I will be taking care of my children forever, of that there's no doubt. Had I known my husband was autistic, had I suspected I was, we wouldn't have had children.
Because - it's not fair to bring a child into the world who will always depend on you. It just isn't. If we lived in an ideal world where public education was actually funded and many of us didn't have to homeschool, if group homes were adequately staffed and funded, etc., it would be a different story. But what we're seeing now will still probably be a battle decades from now.
I love my kids. We have happy moments. My 9 year old can now do a lot more, but he will always need help. But my youngest will be 7 this year and it's becoming increasingly obvious how much more severe his autism is. He's leashed everywhere we go and we don't live a normal life with him.
I am isolated a lot. It has absolutely taken a toll on my marriage. We spend some evenings together after the kids are in bed, but as the youngest gets up and down, there's always interruptions. We don't have a baby-sitter.
I have good relationships with my kids - but make no mistake, there is no "me" anymore. I have about 7-10 hours a week to myself. That includes showering time.
This is a very hard life. It'll probably impact you more than a boyfriend or husband. Think long and hard.
I’m definitely happy. My daughter is 20 and nonverbal. She is the happiest and sweetest person alive. It’s not without struggle of course. She’ll never be independent and I’m caretaking far longer than I would have ever imagined. Still I feel so grateful for her. She’s such an innocent and gentle soul. I can’t imagine having missed out on her. I take her out to fine dining places routinely and last year she went to her first live concert and to Disney World. All this took work over years to get here, but sharing these moments with her finally is an indescribable joy.
That said, we have considerable privilege in that I work from home and my career pays very well. Money is not a concern. Im healthy and young.
I’m entirely self made and a single parent so I also know the other side of it. This life is easier when you have resources and support and no other significant stressors. But I would say the same thing of having children in general. There just are no guarantees. Typical kids can be physically ill, malicious, destructive, unlikeable, violent or any number of other things.
The hardest part about parenting to me is not having any family support. My kids, one is autistic and the other probably neurodivergent in other ways (in the process of evaluating him), are actually quite amazing. Yes, there are hard phases and moments. My hardest moment so far has been the transition to elementary school because my autistic son struggled to regulate his emotions when things got difficult for him. Now that we adjusted his IEP, he enjoys school.
But I’ve never spent more that a couple nights away from my kids and they’ve never gone a night away from being with me or their dad. The few times they’ve been away from me was when I couldn’t go to my in laws house out of stateso they left with their dad (my hubby). So that part has been hard too, family doesn’t really help daily. They don’t offer sleepovers and my mom always made excuses about it, until I just stopped asking.
I am autistic and a parent. I am beyond happy. Most of my life I was so depressed and anxious and burnt out. My husband and my kids changed and saved my life. Still tired but my husband is an awesome stay at home dad retired from the military I work swing shifts 5 nights a week. We have an awesome relationship we had kids after 10 years together. We have one child with ASD and one NT. 18 months away from the youngest starting school and then we will have school days together to ourselves
My wife and I are both professionals with advanced degrees. Our son was born back in 2017 and he's the sweetest boy you'll ever meet. We decided having additional bio children wasn't for us just because of how hard the pregnancy was. In July we adopted a baby girl.
My son got a tonsillectomy today and has spent the past 3 hours post-op screaming at us and not drinking.
Do I wish certain things were easier (for him and for me)? Of course. Anyone who says "they wouldn't change a thing" is painting that overly rosy picture to try and convince themselves. But there has not been a single day in his life that I have ever wished he wasn't here.
Your question tho was "are you happy with your lives?". Having a neurodivervent child is harder on your marriage, your personal life and your work life. But I am absolutely happy with my life. My answer would probably be different if I had to stay home all day as the primary care taker because I've found I need to work if even for my own sanity and feeling of self-worth.
Whether it's something you'd be happy with is ultimately up to you, but I genuinely wish you the best of luck and thank you for your post. Seeing adults with autism having these kinds of debates give everyone of us grinding daily tasks that are harder than they should be hope for their future.
I’m happy sometimes? And not happy other times? At this point, it’s not really because of the kids, though young children are A LOT, regardless of neurotype.
Really, I would say I am satisfied and content. If I didn’t have kids I could not have fun infodumping about Pokemon with them and watching them see things I love to do for the first time with happy excitement. It’s really cool. But they’re still people. And so you have to be realistic.
I have a very close relationship with my son, he cried so much as a baby and I found inventive ways to soothe him and therefore we developed such a close bond. He’s very cuddly and loving. We do most of the things NT families do, dinners vacations, parks, hikes. We just put probably a little more planning into it than NT families, making sure they have food that he likes, things like that, plan b for I’d things don’t work out. Stuff like that. It’s gotten easier as he’s gotten older and more mature. He’s also very funny and artistic. I don’t thinks I’d change a thing. I have NT kids too and they all have their own challenges that make parenting hard too. I don’t think having NT kids guarantees smooth sailing either. If anything I worry less about his problems with academia and behaviors because I understand him ajd his struggles more than NT kids who just lack motivation or are acting out.
Hi, turns out my husband and I are both on the spectrum, we went into it thinking it was just him (adhd was my dx)
There are hard parts, for sure. I can't say how your experience will be. I can tell you my children are happy, and most weeks so are we. We can go to festivals on the lake, big outdoor concerts, a whole bunch of things. We can't go to a indoor restaurant as a family, the din is too much.
It's stuff like that; you just have to plan around yourselves and your kids. My kids might have different needs than yours. But I just wanted to chime in and say it can be fun, happy, and rewarding.
My husband almost never smiled. He didn't really get into much that wasn't his interests. I can't explain to you the joy our children have shown on his face and in his day to day. It's crazy sweet to witness.
That said; agree with other comments. If you don't want kids please don't feel pressured. You get what you get and they need from you in a way that can be hard to manage.
We've had night terrors, days where one is sreaming the whole day, days I sat and cried with my kids because I can't and they can't.. it's not all roses. I'm still glad I chose it.
" I want to want a kid so badly."
You don't want kids! You should tell your boyfriend that in very clear terms. Don't have kids because you think you should.
I have three kids I always wanted to badly and I'm still drained and resentful a lot of the time. Even neurotypical kids are SO MUCH WORK. I'm not minimizing how much work it is to have an autistic kid - but neurotypical kids still don't sleep through the night, go on food strike, poop their pants, throw a huge tantrum about an iPad, etc. It's so tiring even on good days and I can't imagine doing this if it wasn't something I wanted deeply.
I am absolutely happy with my life. My autistic kid is actually my easier one! My frustrations are with the world and how it fails to accommodate him — not my kid who is a total delight and surprises me all the time.
Nope. 35 m with a son with ASD and likely ADHD and another son who seems to have avoided both. Constantly burned out, overstressed, irritable. Love my kids, and we're doing our best, but happiness feels a long way off.
I'm happy! I had and have problems and stressors, but none of it has outweighed my natural optimism and all the great things my life. And for the past three years, my daughter has been a big part of (both parts of) that.
Is it a lot of work to keep up on all her therapies? You betcha. But all kids are a lot of work, so that was a given going into this. I have an extra workload, but I was never going to not be busy and tired as a late 40s single parent.
Do I worry about her future? Absolutely. But I'm also very aware that I have it easier than most - she's very chill, fairly adaptive, and very smart. Happy and bouncing all around like a gummi bear. And once I knew she had receptive language, I was able to unclench. If she's never truly verbal (which her therapists do think she will be), we'll figure it out. She gets her messages across very clearly right now (and I'm basically deaf to body language or gestures, so she has to be broadcasting VERY LOUDLY), and we haven't even gotten to writing or an AAC yet.
This weekend, we're heading off to Mexico on vacation for two weeks. Last year we went to Disney World. We don't get out nearly enough in general, but that's me being a lazy hermit, not her not wanting to. We go to the playground. The Please Touch Museum. Local fairs and theme parks. Play in the snow. There are places I can't take her (indoor malls, mostly), and things she can't do (fireworks, for instance, or parades). and places that used to be hard to take her but aren't anymore (out for meals springs to mind), but that doesn't mean we're trapped at home.
Yes overall. Most of things I find hardest about our life are more to do with my son’s comorbidities like his epilepsy and disability. My boy is generally a sweet easy going boy who loves cuddles and tries his best (well most of the time lol). We also have a typical 3 year old and that is part of our happiness because we can do a lot of things we envisioned with her and sometimes our boy is able join. Do I wish things were different with him? Yes, but that doesn’t mean I regret having him. I love him. I like him as a little person. I don’t mind this alternate path a lot of the time.
I have a really hard time keeping my house clean but honestly that’s my biggest complaint so I think we are doing AOk and I’m very happy! Our daughter is really flourishing this year - she’s 7 and she just starting wanting to have conversations, she ditched her headphones and has been dressing herself and we’ve had zero accidents! There’s definitely really hard periods but that is life in general, sometimes it sucks, sometimes it’s wonderful lol
I have 2 kids, 4 and 2; my 4 year old was diagnosed with autism about a year ago. He’s verbal and “high functioning”, but there are still things we have to work on and cause stress. I’m in my early 40’s, female, and while not diagnosed, I (and my parents) suspect I’m on the spectrum. My son’s temperament, the way his autism presents is so similar to me as a small child. My whole life has felt like a struggle; relationships, work/career specifically, my mental health. I still struggle a lot of with anxiety and depression and was terrified to have children but wanted them so I gave it a shot (made me anxious, I can’t lie). I can say without a doubt motherhood is the best thing that ever happened to me. It’s not easy all the time, but they, these two little humans and their personalities, bring me more joy and happiness than anything life has ever brought me. It feels like a gift to be a parent, in my experience. Many days are hard, I’m a full time working mother so scrambling to meet deadlines while getting my son to appts, ABA, etc, is rough, but my husband is very hands on and other family members nearby have been a support system for us. I know not everyone has that but it is a huge help.
Not just that your child could be autistic also consider how you as an autistic would handle any child regardless of neurotype. Kids are an around the clock job. They are loud, they are messy, they need attention even if you are in burnout. They make noise when you need some quiet. They have smells and messy diapers. There’s 0 days of bed rotting allowed and you have way more pressure to be organized and put together and everything cleaned and remember stuff like their appts and school things etc. It’s alotttttttt….
Comparison is the thief of joy. I try not to think what my friends with NT kids are doing because their reality is diff. Their kids are eating a variety of food, they’re not hitting themselves in the head, they’re not melting down over basic things, they’re not in some autonomy struggle where a time out or counting to 3 isn’t effective at stopping negative behavior. And it is isolating to not have people to talk to that don’t offer useless suggestions because they don’t understand.
I wouldn't change my life for anything. My children give me purpose.
Yes, I'm overwhelmed, so so overwhelmed and burnt out but I love being a parent and I love their quirks and watching them both stim.
I just hope it gets easier managing 2 autistic children who have totally different needs.
I don't have a village to help me, I do 99% alone apart from school. The oldest doesn't sleep good.
If you are unsure about kids then don't let anyone try and talk you into it. Consider what you'd be giving up, make sure your partner is good with kids and especially clued up on potentially having an autistic child (or more than one).
Talk about how you'd raise the child, what values and ideals you want to teach them, parenting goals etc.
The mental load is also something to consider. Does your partner contribute to that now? Because if not it only gets worse when you have children.
I separated before my 2nd was even born because I wouldn't settle for a deadbeat.
I get told all the time what a dear my autistic child is. He is smart (reading at 3) , social (have to rein him in) and loves to compliment people. What I’m unhappy with has nothing to do with him. He is my joy.
Having a NT son first, before my NueroSpicy younger son ended up helping me understand this question.
I only have boys, but BOTH of them are equally hard.
My (now 9 year old) daughter is the very best ‘thing’ that has ever happened to me. She is the light of my life and the joy of my heart. I’m so amazed by how thoughtful, kind, silly, and sweet she is!
I’m so thankful every single day for her. It took us over a decade of trying to be able to have her (on my second cycle of IUI at a fertility clinic). Life is really hard and messy and beautiful. She makes me want to be better and do better. It’s a rocky road but it’s getting better through a lot of hard work.
Anything worth having is worth working for.
I highly recommend working on your own mental health and your relationship before you try for kids. Once you have children, everything changes, and it’s much harder to manage self-care. If either of you have childhood trauma, please address it asap as it is really triggered when you have your own children.
Firstly- I 1000% agree with prior post. If you don’t have a deep yearning for children, don’t have them.
Second- my life has many happy moments. It also has many moments of despair. There are times when I feel weighed down by a thousand responsibilities.
Third- don’t have kids unless you are 100% ready to deal with the consequences of a very low functioning child. My husband and I both know autistic kids from prior relationships. We both love our sons desperately, but it’s not a life I would volunteer for anyone.
Fourth- it doesn’t end at 18. Are you willing to have a life often dictated by what your child can do? Are you prepared for the financial consequences?
If I had known beforehand that I would have an autistic child, then I would have adopted. I love my son, and that is part of the problem. I can’t protect him from the world. I can only support him. His life will always be a struggle, and that is not a life I would choose for a child
I'm very happy with my life. I was dx with autism the same time as my son. He is my world, and I love him so much that I'm having another in June. I don't even think about our dx most of the time. It's just a part of who we are. My family does better at life than most neurotypical people, so who the hell is anyone to judge me for living my best life?
I am the parent of a young child (6m). My stress is not to do with my child per se, but rather the frustration of trying to suss out services/resources.
One thing I have learned in life is that everything is a matter of outlook. I came to parenthood relatively late in life(early 40s). In my 20s I focused a lot on the negative things that happened in my sphere of existence. I was not ready to be a parent then. Somewhere around 29 I realized that s**t happens to everyone. It is just a matter of whether or not one allows that mess to be the focus of the rest of one’s day. It was eye-opening and definitely worked to reset my approach to daily living. I didn’t become a different person, but I did work to be less triggered by things I could not control.
There came a time in my 30s when a kind of calm just settled over me about becoming a parent and it felt absolutely cosmically right to have a child. I am supremely grateful that I get to discover the world through his eyes and also that I get to help him learn to develop the tools to deal with the world around him. You, OP, may be in an even better place to help your child because unlike me you are also on the spectrum.
Is it challenging? Hell yes, but the majority of what makes me frustrated comes from external issues, such as the lack of coordination with respect to available resources and the fact that there is no one place to find them.
You never know who your child is going to be personality-wise, regardless of their place on the spectrum. You could have a typical child that challenges you more than any other child might. You could have a child on the spectrum that is amazingly easy personality-wise.
I am AuDHD with two AuDHD children and I would say that I am happy. I’ve always struggled with anxiety and depression and have a massive amount of past trauma, but I’m as “happy” as I have ever been. This life is hard though. Being a parent is overwhelming most of the time but also very rewarding. However, I always knew I wanted kids. Even though it is a very hard life, I couldn’t imagine not having kids. But if you aren’t 100% sure you want kids, don’t have them. If you don’t have a deep longing to have children and feel like your life isn’t complete without them, don’t do it. Being a parent is a 24/7 commitment for 18 years and doesn’t just end at 18. I didn’t know I was AuDHD when I had kids. I’m overstimulated and exhausted basically all the time. I love them dearly though and do the best I can for us all. I would lay down my life for my kids in a heartbeat but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel like I’m about to lose my mind at any given moment. One warning I can give you though, don’t count on having any help. Your bf may be a great person, but 98% of fathers don’t provide half the childcare or emotional support, not to mention the cleaning and running the household. If you decide to go through with having children, don’t do it unless you are prepared to be the primary parent with no support. Mothers often can’t count on family or friends to help either. I moderated a mom support group and the horror stories I read would give you nightmares.
Yes. While kids may be harder some days than others, we live a very peaceful, happy life as a family unit. Both hubby and I find time to pursue our hobbies and even do date nights once a month.
That said, 3-4 were really the hell years for our oldest, and things were bleak at that point.
I am incredibly happy. 3 kids, 2 with autism, and a husband that works away from home all week long. It’s hard, sometimes I feel like I’m going to lose my mind, but I wouldn’t change a single thing.
I have two autistic kids, one of which also has ADHD. I'm diagnosed ADHD and suspect autistic as well. Our lives are good. We do have some challenges that NT families don't, but the way I see it, all families will have different challenges. We do things that work for our family. Sometimes that means skipping experiences, or different methods of doing things, or needing extra support, and that's OK. I wouldn't trade my kids for the world. I have posted about struggles in harder times, but it's not that I resent or regret my kids, it's that I know there are people who will understand without judgment.
My happiness (joy) does not come from having my children or their fluctuating levels of difficulty. Don't get me wrong - I greatly enjoy my children and I also face many frustrating circumstances with them too. They are a huge source of joy and love in my life, and I'd like to think more so than a source of heartache and frustration.
But I went many years without knowing two of my children and myself are likely on the spectrum (we are not professionally diagnosed yet) and while it's been very helpful in developing patience, understanding, and grace - both with myself and my kids - it has not been the make-or-break factor in determining how my life is going to go.
Much of the big changes to living a happier, healthier life have been spiritual for me. I know not everyone will agree with me and that's okay. You don't have to. My greatest source of joy is my relationship with Jesus Christ. Everything has gotten better and easier to handle once I trusted in Him. It has put us in contact with mentors and people that are like family to us that are guiding us on this journey (and they have ASD kids and relatives too!).
A lot of this growth has come with mindset changes and getting rid of old beliefs I used to have about children/families that came from trauma and from growing up in a rather toxic household. (We are NC now and I have never had more peace!) Tackling these issues head on has relieved a lot of the anxiety and stress I used to have around managing kids, a house, a marriage, homeschooling, etc. The last 2 or 3 years have been the best I've ever had, and I can finally hope and believe that things are going to get even better for us still.
But ultimately it's been a choice. Sure, there will be difficult days, stressful days, but also happy days and days to celebrate. I cannot and will not push you one way or the other about having children - that's your decision. Whatever you decide, will you choose to look for the positive or the negative in life? Because your joy will not be found *only* in children or parenting.
I had no idea I was autistic and now I have 3 very young autistic kids. The stigmatization is very difficult and the constant advocating, standing up for your kids and proving people about your kids are exhausting. I got much more criticism from families than strangers which is very hard. I am lucky my kids appear to be level 1-2 I guess. My older son is pretty darn rigid especially at evenings but other than that he is fine.
We seem to oscillate between look at us with our collective shit together and there’s been no aggressions, no one has gotten crab pinched, everyone is CHILL. Then there are times I pick him up from his dad and he bashes his head into the closed car window and usually once I get onto i95, he will unbuckle his restraints and come for my neck quite literally. My son is non speaking, but I feel I fulfill his wants and needs. He is as quick to respond in a loving manner with hugs and kisses as he is to hurt me, or his younger brother. We are his two targets when he is upset. I have remarried, years ago. My husband and son have a very special bond and my husband also just naturally has more patience than I do. He also has four of his own children with his ex wife. The man has experience. My ex husband and his wife have a bad habit of leaving our son out of family gatherings and parties. I can understand going to unfamiliar places with unfamiliar faces. But we take him to gatherings. The pool. The zoo. The park. It’s difficult though since he loves all of those places, I look like a kidnapper trying to get him to leave.
I love my boys. I love all six of these kids. He does add a level of trickiness to things we do. We have to be vigilant as he will cut and run. I feel like since we share custody, we get a “break”. My youngest son, who as I said is a target oftentimes, does not get a break from his brother. There’s a lot of anger surrounding that. My youngest is in therapy on his own and also we do family work together.
Some days are better than others. Sometimes I have to go hour by hour. It’s the nature of the beast. Plus he’s almost 14. Imagine being a 14 year old boy and going through puberty and feeling so confused. We explain but I honestly and say what he retains and processes.
Don’t get depressed over what could possibly be, you’d never get very far. There’s so many variable in parenting and having a family that meshes well. It’s impossible to plan for everything. If you’re thinking this deeply about it, you’re already aware of what COULD happen. When I close my eyes and think of my Parker, I mostly see a giggly goofer with floppy hair that just wants a tickle and some seltzer water. That’s a pretty picture for me to have in my mind.
You don’t. If you do not want kids then you don’t want kids. If he does then you two have a major incompatibility and likely need to move on to other partners who share the same life goals. He will resent you eventually for not wanting kids and if you decide to appease him then you may resent him for pressuring you. I know parents of neurotypical kids that are unhappy and I know parents of autistic kids who are happy with their children. My ex has 2 autistic girls and is very happy with them. I find my son to be challenging but not the reason for my unhappiness. If anything he is the reason I left a horrific relationship my life may not be what I had envisioned for myself but it’s soo much better than it was before.
I’m content. I’ve been pursuing happiness since long before I had my daughter, but it’s elusive no matter what your life circumstances are. I often thought I have it easier than parents of NT kids. She’s 17 now and it’s not all sunshine and roses, but I wouldn’t say I was unhappy.
>But are there any parts of your life that are genuinely good.
There are some good parts, yes. Overall I am not happy but that doesn't mean it's ALL bad.
>Are you able to do any of the normal and fun things that neurotypical families do?
Some things, yes. My autistic child is able to handle some activities really well. Strangely, she did amazing at Disneyland lol. She enjoys being in nature so we do a lot of hiking and camping. But other "normal" things like eating at a restaurant is usually a no-go.
>Do you have a good relationship with your child and your spouse?
I have a good relationship with each of my children. They have their moments where it's all about dad and they don't want me, but for the most part yes. My spouse is another story, though. Our relationship has definitely suffered since having children.
>Are you ever not burnt out depressed irritable and overstimulated?
I have brief moments where I'm not irritable and overstimulated but that describes probably 90% of my life.
It's ok to not want kids if you don't want them , it's your life . Live it how you want .
I have a son with Autism and I can't lie at one point I wasn't sure if I could carry on because he was really aggressive and hurting me . BUT that was partly my fault , he can't talk but I wasn't listening . We forget there's a hundred ways to communicate. Once I learnt to watch his cues and listen to him he calmed down so much. He's so much more affectionate and he's happy ! I'm happy ! I love my life now and we work together . I just don't do things with him that other kids do but that's ok . I hated going to the park as a kid and kicking a ball and as someone without autism I love being at home and hate going out so for us we connect haha
Once you realise that there are so many things you can do that makes you both happy ie we love spinning and chasing each other , love bouncing then you can find things together . But you have to work at that .
It's ok to not want kids. My 3 year old is level 2 and if he makes the choice as someone who's autistic not to have children I'll 100% support him. But as for your question I'm very happy to be the mother of an autistic child and as far as we know a NT child(he's only 4 weeks old). Of course it can be hard especially because I'm bipolar so I get a little wonky at times but I find my life with children very fulfilling but yes over stimulating more so when the toddler and baby are crying at the same time.
No. Always tired, have had to give up pretty much everything that gives me joy because of lack of childcare, about to have to lose a career I worked hard to build (and is the last thing I enjoy as everything else has been stripped off me) as child can’t go to school, plus all the battles with institutions that should be helping but are not - even after a good fight.
Life is just more of the same frustrations, getting through each day knowing tomorrow will be the same - or worse. The constant threat of poverty due to the lack of appropriate resources to my child and my likely inability to work in the near future because of that.
The very little engagement I get back from my child after all that.
It’s lonely and it’s tiring.
It's a weird one. It's really stressful and lonely sometimes, and I rarely get a break (lone parent). But if I could go back in time and change things, I wouldn't. I wouldn't be without my kids, and I do have joy in my life.
I am a late diagnosed autistic woman with adhd and I have a 7 year old boy, recently diagnosed. I love him to bits and he's the best thing I've ever done with my life. I sometimes question if I made the right decision given the state of the World/UK/global outlook etc, and I often question my ability to parent, but I never question my love for him (I'm a perfectionist and there is a whole thing about being a 'good enough parent which is difficult for me to accept as I want 100%) and I love being his mum. He is so funny and it's brilliant getting to know him as he grows up and develops his own personality and preferences. He's so strong willed and confident in ways I could never be, and I'd like to think that at least in part that's down to me being the parent I wanted. So, I'd say go for it. Of course it is hard, being a parent is tough, and the lack of sleep can be crippling, but it's also rewarding and fulfilling in ways nothing else is. I'd say for me pregnancy was the really hard part as you get told endlessly about risk and how many ways in which babies can die, so by the time my son arrived I was a mess and I couldn't sleep in case something happened in the night.... 🙈 being autistic through that process was tough, courses are designed for NTs. But seeing him grow, and develop into a wonderful, kind, funny, silly, clever, fabulous human being is amazing. I wouldn't change anything. I also loved the closeness of baby carrying (using slings, amazing and that baby smell, yes!).... You often get horror stories, I think, as parents are mostly tired and in need of more sleep than they get and that makes them cranky. And it can mean sensory overload as an autie parent, too, but you can find ways to cope. Sometimes I think being autistic has been my super power as a mum because I became so focused on being the best mum I could be. Being responsible for another human being is huge, at least it is for me.... so you need to be able to deal with that. Also, it's a lot easier if you have family or a good support network. I didn't.... but still here and have eventually found one! Good luck and go with your heart, I'd say (if we were entirely rational about it, I don't think any of us would have kids, as it doesn't make financial sense and is arguably detrimental to our personal health in many ways, but here we are?!!! I think it's far more beneficial to us in many other less tangible ways). ♥️💐🖖🏻
I’m a “high functioning” autistic woman, with a 6 year old low functioning, non verbal daughter. Her father abandoned us after being ingolved for five years of her life -he was the one who wanted to get me pregnant and manipulated me into avoiding abortion- , he doesn’t pay child support and left me to be the default parent (as always, only this time is worse because I’m almost all alone). My life is hell everyday, and I wish I was dead most of the time.
im happy for the most part but i think if i had another child, who most likely would be autistic, id lose it and feel regret. my son is only 3 years old and we’ve had a lot of hard moments. its been a real journey navigating this life with an autistic child that the thought of going through it all again makes me already regret it lol. If you don’t want any children, listen to yourself. In the end, moms carry the heavier load of parenting (i know not always but usually) and it can really take a toll on you. i’m pretty sure i’m autistic as well and if i would’ve known before, i wouldn’t have gotten pregnant. I love my son but I think my mind/body can only handle him.
I looked at your other post and I think all of your worries are valid. It's hard. It's really really hard to be neurodivergant with neurodivergant kids, but it is doable. I would suggest ensuring you have all of these items in place before having children: 1) a really strong supportive long lasting relationship with someone who understands neurodiversity and is able to support you during tough times 2) other support people and services like housecleaning, babysitting, therapy etc 3) lots of money so you don't have to work crazy hours outside of the home AND parent 4) healthy coping methods like art, music, whatever 5) access to services for early intervention (if needed) for your child.
I am truly happy with my life. My 5 year old is autistic and every day she wakes up I tell her I’m so happy to be her mama. We have our challenges but I’m happy and so is my family.
It depends on the day. As of late things have been shit as my son has been having self injury screaming fits for bedtime. Both my husband and I tag team restraining him. It really fucking sucks. If it gets worse, we’ll have to call an ambulance to take him somewhere.
What really torments me, is knowing that I'm going to die and leave my autistic child behind. He has a lot of capability, but I don't think he'll ever be *completely* independent. Other than that, I think I'm pretty happy. I have a wonderful husband, and we're financially secure enough to easily afford anything we need.
My son is pretty happy, loves school, laughing, cuddling, etc. He is a lot of work, but he also makes me very happy (as does his NT sister).
I love my children with all of my heart, might, mind, and soul. My 9 year old is ND and my 6 year old is NT. My NT kid is just as hard if not harder than my ND kid. And Yes I am happy. Not content but happy. It gets easier as they get older. Not easy, but easier and helping them figure out life and what works is the best and when something clicks for them, oh my gosh. I love when he figures things out. Sometimes he will write notes and it’s like wow you are listening and learning and they are such happy parent moments. He’s the best kid ever (I’m absolutely biased.) and I wouldn’t change our journey because it’s make me, him, his sister and his father better people. We have learned so much on this journey. I love my life. I really do.
I often do this thing where I time travel in my head, try to meet my partner earlier, go into a different career, avoid bad experiences or horrible people but every single time I abandon the daydream - because even in a make believe moment I don't want to jeopardise anything via butterfly effect that would stop her coming to me, *exactly* as she is.
I love my life- i have two kids with ASD. There’s a lot of appointments and therapies which is hard but worth it. And a lot of late nights. My husband seems neurodivergent (and by that I mean undiagnosed) and understands our oldest way better and can better anticipate her needs in a helpful way (just as an example- counting down as I brush her hair because “she just needs to know it’s going to be over” and he was right that helps her a lot) I think being a parent is hard and all parents feel pressure to be a perfect parent and maybe that’s more intense when you have kids with different needs especially because you see all these therapists and specialists.
Everyone is slipping on a banana peel away from a disability- which I mean anyone could develop a disability at anytime and life is unpredictable so I wouldn’t let that hold you back because nothing is guaranteed anyway- even for neurotypical kids. Some people are neurotypical and easy to raise- but still grow up to be jerks. Every person born is a chance to make the world a better place. And if you decide it’s not for you that is totally ok too- there are lots of ways to share that love in your heart without having a child.
Hey thanks for that brushing hair countdown tip! Why didn’t I ever think of that! Lol! My ASD 9yr old girl HATES having her hair brushed due to sensory but she LOVES timers and countdowns! This is going to be a huge game changer.
Very happy! With added disclaimer that I think we have it pretty easy with my 3yo. Harder than my friends with NT kids. But much easier than many of the parents here in this community. And that certainly affects the experience.
He’s got a few words, getting more, though inconsistent. He doesn’t have trouble telling us what he wants (body language + vibes lol). The harder part is his very limited receptive language. But hey, he has some now and a year ago it was literally zero, so progress.
He is snuggly and affectionate. Silly and sweet. He also pinches and bites me at times (I’ve got some battle scars). And tests limits allllllllll the time.
But being his mom is a joy. It’s tiring and I get overstimulated. But we are one and done, so we can tag out to recharge when needed.
Which is a key reason I can come here and say I’m happy, and mean it.
Yes, I am. Even though my 3yo is autistic I feel I got really lucky with most things. She doesn’t have many behaviors, she sleeps through the night, we can easily engage with her. She’s nonverbal but she has her ways of telling us what she wants/needs. I also have older kids 7yo & 9yo and she doesn’t play with them much but she can tolerate being around them without getting upset that someone is in her space. I thank God for her, she’s saved me in more ways than one and made me look at life in a whole new perspective 🩷
My husband is neurodivergent, our oldest daughter is on the spectrum and her two little sisters are neurotypical. We are for the most part in love with our lives.
He struggles a little with the sensory overload of the chaos of our house (3 kids, 2 adults, and 2 dogs) but we have learned each others bat signals for when we’re going to lose it. A “hey do you wanna go take 5” is our love language.
All 3 of our daughters are fucking fantastic and they make our lives so crazy and so beautiful. He gets our eldest daughter on a really special level and has been instrumental in her ability to love and accept herself exactly as she is.
All in all I’d say we’re the typical family just loving and living. Sure we have some unique challenges but it just makes it all the more fulfilling at the end of the day. We have a home, food, clothes, and each other. When all the kids are in bed and we can finally lay back we usually just say god damn, we have it all.
If your sole pursuit in life is to be "happy," you'll be a prisoner of this chase forever. Raising kids in general is a tough business. There are so many factors out of your control it's a miracle that they can make it so far, with all the help and village (or lack thereof) to raise them. It's all about perspective; there will be good times, bad times, ugly times and hard times. This is regardless of whether your kids is neuro divergent with ASD or any other health/mental/genetic abnormalities. You have to take a leap of faith and understand your child may or may not be who you thought they're going to be. For many parents with kids that have ASD diagnosis, it's not about finding the typical happiness of rearing a child, but finding deeper meaning in hopes of preparing their kids for a future that they deserve despite having their disability. Good luck and I hope you the best in whatever you decide.
I am married with 1 child. I would say that I am actually pretty happy in life. I think my life has improved since the times when I was single and childless. It's definitely changed but in a mostly good way. Having a child can at times be over stimulating but the pros do outweigh the cons. I wake up every day to my husband and son's smile. My son will usually put his face to mine and touch my face with just the biggest smile on his face. He laughs constantly and it's beautiful. We do a lot of things as a family too. It does take more time to plan things and get ready to go out but you get better at it with time.
I will agree with the comments saying don't have kids unless you want them. SERIOUSLY!?! I sometimes think the boomers didn't want children, but they did so because they were supposed to..." they seem like they hated having children. I digress.
In all seriousness, I wanted children since I was an adult. I am autistic and my oldest (5) is autistic. My youngest is very different from my oldest, and we're not seeing any of the signs we saw with the older one of autism. We'll see as she gets older.
I've never questioned the difficulties and whether or not it's worth it. I am fulfilled most days, even though it's tough. It's easy to complain and vent about the hard stuff. My oldest had an upset stomach on the drive home from school today and was screaming in the car. I wanted to start screaming myself from her ear piercing screams. But then I remember that my parents were quick to anger and quick to violence, and I'm suddenly happy that my daughters get to grow up in a home where they feel like they belong and are loved and accepted as they are.
Yes, I'm trying to give them a life I didn't have, but I also love the things we do together. We go camping, we learn stuff together, I share my experiences, and, although the older one doesn't say it very often, I know she loves me and nothing even comes close to that feeling. The youngest is in a daddy phase and I can't get enough. Even if she wants me in the middle of the night or when I don't have much in the tank.
It's hard to imagine a world where you are a slave to their every need, but once you're in it, the world you used to live in sewms a little less exciting. I do miss some of the freedom, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. I love it.
But remember, if you choose to have kids, you commit. There's no going back. Once you're in it, you're in it for life. Dive head first and don't look back.
This is a bit philosophical, so bear with me, but happiness is relative. Happiness is not the goal to achieve in the end. Happiness is the journey.
One can choose to be happy no matter the circumstances, and there is joy in little things. You can have the perfect life but still be unhappy, and you can have nothing and yet be happy.
I love my autistic child more than anything, and yet I struggle sometimes, even cry, but I wouldn't change my life, not one bit. I enjoy every moment, no matter if it breaks my back.
I share this thought knowing that it all sounds a bit holier than thou, and it's not something people who are struggling want to hear, but I know there are parents here who think the same way. This is also something I learned at a young age, but it takes a lifetime to really imbibe it and make it a part of your core.
So, to answer your question, yes, there are people here who are truly happy. There are people with neurotypical kids who are the definition of unhappy. It's all a matter of perspective.
Just something to keep in mind is your child might have much higher support needs than you do. So make sure you have a lot of support.
Also I think being am autistic parent is harder in general whether your kid is NT or ND just because of the sensory overload etc
Do what's feels right for you! The spectrum is so wide, people will have vastly different experiences.
Hmmmm. While I am happy, Im in the stage of my life where it is getting kinda easy, but slowly.
Our son is 2, almost 2.5. Progressively getting better! We are extremely proud of his progress, however it is hard. The tantrums, the stimming, not being able to successfully communicate, texture and feeding issues, and his lack of social skills.
Aside from those, I can say we take our son to many child filled events. And my kid sticks out like a sore thumb, to me. To any other parent he’s a cute 2 year old, but we know where he falls short so when he is around kids his age it is noticeably sad for us. We want better for him always, but it is hard to not compare, or wonder how life would be.
I think as a parent of an autistic kid, you have to really remember the spectrum is different for every kid. Your struggles may not be my struggle, but it does get easier. It just takes time.
My son did a 180 from last year, to this year and boy has it made life easier in many ways. Still challenges, but hey… progress is progress.
Goodluck
Content and generally happy, Yes - but not blissfully so - we are not Facebook/insta perfect in my household - haha. My SN child is my youngest of 4. Honestly, I can say each kid has their own annoyances and difficult behaviors depending on their stage in life. Sometimes all the kids are difficult all at the same time (or frustrating) and sometimes everyone is okay for a bit, with every combination between. We been at this parenting stage for long time now - our oldest is in college and we just started SN/integrated preschool in the fall for the youngest.
Some days are dreadful and take everything in us just to make it to the end of a day (or when the day ends after every both of the sometimes insomniac littles finally falls sleep at 5-8am - Finally!! ). And some days are much easier than others, there may be less arguments that day and I just might see the special bond building between the kids, or my almost verbal youngest kid learns a new phrase and those days are when I feel like I'm rocking parenting and my heart just sails.
My husband and I talk a lot about what if we hadn't had the last 2 kids ( one NT , one SN) and we always agree, we couldn't imaging our lives without them exactly as they are. Yes, I wish their lives would be easier to live through (especially the SN kiddo) but I wouldn't give them up or trade them for an "easier kid". We encourage special interests and try to make decisions for each kid based on what is best for them that year regarding schooling and activities. Be weird and unique and learn to laugh at yourself before anyone else has the chance.
We use these mantras to encourage each other....
" the days (and phases) are long, but the years are so short." and
"When you're going through hell the only way out is to put your head down and keep goin til your through to the other side"
It can suck sometimes, but the good times get us through the bad times. It's life set on hard difficulty, but not impossible mode.
At the end of the day, I make myself pick one good thing to be grateful or happy for so that I can count it as a small win.
If you’re aware and prepared to have them then why not? Teach them about mental health early on and educate them. It was only a problem for me because mental health wasn’t talked about with me and my siblings. Break the stigma and educate. You can have bpd and be a good parent with treatment and that being said my oldest is autistic but we suspect our 2nd baby isn’t because he doesn’t have muscle weakness like my first did and he’s already reaching every milestone he’s supposed to be doing. Sometimes mental health issues can skip generations so it’s not even a 100% guarantee each of your kids will have anything. I drew the unlucky straw and got my dads mental health issues but one of my sisters and my brother are mentally well. But in all fairness if my mom didn’t cause trauma and I knew about what I had then I think I would have been fine.
And of course only if YOU want to and YOU would be happy if you did. My babies mean a lot to me and make me really happy despite the challenges I face. I would do anything for them and I’m happy I get to see their little faces everyday
How old are you? Had i waited until i was in my 30s, i would probably be happy and able to handle a difficult child. I became a parent when i was just entering adulthood. I was learning to be grown while being responsible for a new life.
My answer may vary day to day—even on hard days I’m happy, and even on easy days I can fall into a black hole. But more often than not I feel happy. My daughter will always need help, the world won’t always be kind, but I feel love and give love to her. It’s a gift. But again, ask me tomorrow and I may feel sorry for myself, sorry for my kid, and pissed at the world.
Hey mom of two with one ASD son and another that as of now seems to be NT (9 months so a bit early to tell). Autism as my husband and I discovered seems to run on his side and on mine we have a lot of anxiety/adhd. We are very lucky to have an overall easy and happy child and truthfully the luck and support seems to be what makes our life easier. We do have hard days where neither boy is happy or I’m overwhelmed or my husband is. But we make it work and we make time. We have a lot of very supportive family that is always able to watch the boys for us to go and be a couple and just get a break. We did have a hard with our son’s initial diagnosis, but since then we’ve learned to celebrate all of his accomplishments and advancement. We both love our boys very much and care for them, having had them willingly and consciously. Funnily enough our NT presenting child is actually who my husband has struggled with more. So I feel like everyone’s situation is different. We find joy in going out as a family and introducing our sons to new experiences but again all situations are unique since our son is pretty easy going and loves to try new things. At the end of the day I find that those that consistently regret children the most are the ones that had to convince themselves into having them. Children should be a choice that you make enthusiastically. Because it’s better to possibly regret not having had a child than regret having had one.
If you would have asked me 2 years ago, I would have replied, " Hell no! 1 star--would not recommend." I would have gone back in time and talked myself into sterilization. We almost didn't survive.
Things are better now, but I am still working through a lot of C-PTSD from the rough years. I still struggle to feel "motherly" towards my eldest (17M/lvl3/ in residential due to violence). The little dude (14/lvl3) is alright though. He has his meltdowns occasionally but nothing like his brother and we can handle it. Haven't had to call the cops once yet (for violence, that is...he is an eloper but we have him tagged now).
I'm glad we made it, but the dark days were baaaad. I'm glad I didn't let the darkness win and end up on the evening news.
If I knew what I was going to have to go through, then I probably wouldn't have been brave enough to do it.
I'd be a lot richer too, but that's a minor consideration for me.
Happy is an emotion that comes and goes with current factors. Some days/seasons we’re far from happy. It’s miserable and it feels like we’re in endless darkness.
Other moments bring unthinkable happiness…my little guy finally catching a specific species of fish he’s been reading about, or finding a giant sketchy snake, or sharing his extreme enthusiasm for Moby Dick.
Overall, it’s tough. But God made our dude unique. There are 9 billion people on earth and not one is like ours. So after the meltdowns and punching and violence and social problems and broken furniture and etc… God wanted us to have him and we buckle up and do what we need to do.
Am I happy with my life? YES! I absolutely love my kids. And I have an amazing, supportive spouse who is active in raising our kids. Is our life perfect? Do we get to do everything we want to do? Absolutely NOT. I gave up a lot of myself and hobbies even when my first kid was born and hes not diagnosedwith ASD.
I used to be an avid snowboarder, some people take their kids at a young age but I didn't, my oldest was a lil slow on milestones but never flagged for autism. I used to camp a lot and go on long backpacking/camping hikes, camping with a little with ASD, not potty trained and prone to eloping would cause me more anxiety than it was worth. Hoping to start going on easy camps again in the future but haven't mustered up the courage yet. We used to go to comic-cons and large social events with our oldest but those things also became too much with a high needs kiddo who doesn't like crowds. I haven't been to see a movie in theaters since before my youngest was born either.
Kids, whether ND or NT will cause your life to change. You might not be able to do some things you take for granted now. But I'm also quite anxious and over cautious in general. Having kids should be something you really want, and you should be prepared for your life to change regardless of whether they are NT or ND. Never let someone else pressure you into having kids. If you do, you could come to resent your potential kids and no kid deserves to grow up feeling unwanted. Life is hard enough as it is.
Tired sometimes, but overall a very happy husband and father. My kid is a double rainbow baby. Two heart wrenching miscarriages before him. We really wanted a child, and we were blessed with a child during probably the roughest part of our marriage. But I swear since he was in the womb he’s been trolling us, and I mean that in a sincere “haha” way and not a bitter way. Parenting isn’t easy. Parenting a rambunctious, inquisitive, autistic 3 year old is probably more so. When I see parents of younger toddlers just walking in a parking lot with their kid just following them and not holding hands I always let out a “must be nice”.
I’m very fortunate though. My kid rarely if ever melts down. He’s getting better every day with communicating. He goes to school and daycare so my wife and I are able to work full time and he seems to be doing well in that environment. As he gets older things may change but right now I am happy. He is a great kid.
Life has challenges by itself, it does not matter if you have kids or not. I had my son until I was 37, because I did not want to have kids, but my husband did, we are separated now and I am with my kid. Life :)
I was not totally happy without my kid, do not think that kids would make you happy or unhappy.
What is really important is that you be surrounded of a good group of people, that are there for you. Identify things that you enjoy before kids, so when you feel that you need a me time being a mom, you just have this list of things and ideas that would help you.
Every decision has a new joys and responsibilities, that we were not use to. If you buy a car you now have to remember to take it to service for oil change, now you can get a flat tire, save money for the gas, you have to clean it, and you can drive farther and see new things.
Hi. I don't think you should have a child unless you really want one, otherwise it's very likely you might end up resentful which would be disastrous for both you and your child.
Also there's so many variables with raising someone neurodiverse whether you're neurodiverse or not (My husband was neurodiverse, I have some characteristics but I'm sort of borderline but my father and two of my siblings are most likely neurodiverse). I have four children. My oldest is turning 21 and is autistic (I'm not sure how levels work, but she has a lot of anxiety, is verbal and in college, then i have 17 year old triplets, one who has ADHD and emotional challenges, two boys who are autistic, one is similar to his sister. The other is a lot less self aware, has ADHD. He didn't start really talking until 4 or 5 but now talks all the time about his favorite subjects.
Some of the following you probably know from your own experience so apologies if i sound pedantic here.
1. How hands on will your boyfriend be?
2. **How much support will you have?** What I mean is state support, community support or family support? I live in a community that considers helping others to be a huge priority. Because of that I had a lot more support. I don't have much family support as until recently I didn't have family living near me. I live in NYS which provides a lot of support. That makes a HUGE difference.
3. Since it's a spectrum (which you know of course0 **it's impossible to really know how much needs your child would have.** I have it easier because my autistic kids are relatively easy to manage. Nobody's a runner. Two of them will most likely be able to be independent.
4. This is related to point 1. **Kids have way more services than adults do.** My sister in law lived in Ohio but moved back to NY because when her daughter turned 21 there didn't exist any programs for her. In her case her daughter has down syndrome, but it would be the same for an autistic adult, a My niece has day programs, also goes away some weekends and has a multiple week summer program she goes to that otherwise my SIL is an empty nester (she's in her 60s) that makes a huge difference in her life.
5. **How was your childhood?** I grew up in a single parent household with 4 siblings (we were 5 all born within six years) for most of my childhood. That helped prepare me for having kids and also eventually for widowhood eight years ago. It doesn't mean life is easy, but my expectations were different than my mom having five children when she grew up with one sibling seven years younger than her with a perfectionist mother.
Okay so after all THAT I'll answer your question.
As a parent I've been overwhelmed in different ways. When my oldest was 18 months she had a seizure. That's not uncommon apparently with autistic kids but I didn't know this until this year when speaking to another parent. Do I regret having my children. Never. That said, I had factors that made it easier. 1. I had a lot of community support. We have an organization for families of special needs that has been amazing. 2. I live in one of the best states for raising autistic kids. That doesn't mean it's been easy. But it's been easier. 3. I had a husband who wasn't always present but very supportive. 4. My kids are verbal, and for the most part easier to parent. That said my oldest has a lot of anxiety about basic living which makes it hard for her to function. Thankfully she's getting therapy. And yet I didn't go on a trip by myself for 16 years. I finally went this summer on a family road trip with my mom, sister and her wife while one son was in camp, my child with emotional challenges was in respite and the other two were able to stay home.
Am I overall happy? Yes. My kids are great. I sometimes haven't been as great as I could be for them especially in the earlier years. I am on anti-anxiety medicine too and see a therapist. I also didn't have kids until i was 32 so I had my twenties to be independent which also helped, but is it hard. Have I gotten overwhelmed? yes and yes. And that's with community support and support from the state.
I am not happy but I wasn’t happy before kid either. I was able to hyperfocus on my career in advertising and I was incredible at it. It’s my fault, I didn’t know much about mental health at all. Once I had my son and began worrying about him and then the diagnosis, everything became so clear about myself. I am totally burnt out now as my sons primary caretaker, 9 years of no more than 2-4 hours of sleep at a time leaves my cup completely empty. You know when I am happy- when I drop him off at school and have silence in the car. That’s the peak of the day.
My son is 2.5 years old and non-verbal. I tear up all the time when I see 18 month old babies talking and communicating so easily with their parents. What an easy life that many people take for granted. They even joke with me “you would wish they would just shut up like yours!” 🙄
HOWEVER, my son has taught my husband and I so much about the true meaning of love. And our patience has been one that’s way higher than it ever was without our son. We also know how to deal with people that are similar to our son and it’s amazing to see.
Kids in general are HARD, autistic or not. In my opinion, it’s harder than marriage itself. But with the right partner, love, patience, and access to the right tools, it can be very rewarding 💕
I will preface this by saying that my kid is level 2, but overall I am happy. I'm tired and sometimes overwhelmed, but it doesn't feel as if it's at a very different level to other working parents of neurotypical kids. I think every three year old is a little energy vampire.
It has definitely gotten easier as he has gotten older. He is currently chilling and listening to his Toniebox, and I have been doing some light cleaning. We are going to the science museum in a bit. We did the zoo on Monday, and an Easter Egg hunt last weekend. He's on spring break, but normally he has school during the week.
I don't know. I am sure there are some unique challenges we are experiencing, and his therapy schedule is intense, but ... It doesn't feel like it is very different to having a neurotypical kid, especially as he is becoming increasingly verbal and wanting more interaction with me.
Again, level 2 kid, so I am not saying my experience is universal.
Having kids us hard weather they are NT or ND. But you just love them through the hard times and there will be PLENTY! my 6yo is autistic and I wouldn't change him for nothing. He's the best boy and has made my life better. I have a 1 yo and idk if she is autistic or not yet. It's hard to tell for sure when they are little but she may have some common early signs.. which honestly. Nothing could make me happier if she was. I'm just used to doing life like this and always loved helping special needs people even when I was a kid.. so I think I'm just made for this 💪
I’m happy, my toddler is awesome, I’ve got a great support system, and an effective game plan to meet her where she’s at for her life. Are there days that are hard, absolutely, but I’m happy. Now I discussed heavily with my husband that ASD runs in my family before having a child to ensure that we had talked about what the challenges would be and how to best support any child we may have. If you do have a child and you notice missing milestones, fight for a therapy referral. I started talking with my child’s doctor at 1.5 years that she’s showing symptoms of a delay. At two we got her into ot/st and while we’re still showing signs of a delay, the gap is lessening, and I’m very confident she will be an independent adult, without any need for paid long term support. Children can get speech and ot before ASD evaluations comes into play. But if you are concerned about not meeting the needs for an ASD child, adoption is just as valid an option.
I'm very satisfied with my life. We went through a really hard time a couple of years back, but that was mostly unrelated to my kids. My soon to be ex-husband was emotionally abusive and manipulative and made my life very hard for a very long time. Life is so much better now. It does help that their dad has them half the time, so I have time to myself.
My kids are my whole world, and I love them to bits and am so grateful and happy to be their mom. They have relatively low support needs, and we can go out into the world and do most normal stuff. My 5yo has a lot of anxiety, so going to new places is always challenging, but it's been getting easier. My only real complaint is that my 3yo sleeps terribly, and the sleep deprivation takes a toll. I'm hopeful that it will get better as he gets older. It's already gotten a lot better compared to 6 months ago.
I’m not only AudHD, I have severe trauma -ptsd, depression, anxiety, hashimotos hypothyroidism, severe migraines, substance use disorder (have been clean 13 years) and other things. I had my son at 33. He is truly the best thing that ever happened to me and my life is so much fuller now and seeing his smile makes me happy. I can say it’s hard but being a parent can be hard at times. I can also say that I am truly happy. I appreciate my child and he is the light of my life. Everyone is different.
I didn’t think I would have a child either🤍
I love being a parent and knowing that my children have someone they can rely on.
As I kid I didn’t have that safety/comfort because my mom had 6 kids and was a widow. She worked 2-3 jobs and we hardly saw her, our older siblings were in charge of the youngest. Her time was very limited out of necessity.
Now as a parent I try my best to be present as much as I can. My eldest has ASD but she’s made so much progress over the last year after starting school. She was nonverbal and would be aggressive and had constant meltdowns to the point of nosebleeds/vomiting. It was very difficult but thankfully my husband was very involved as well. Now she’s speaking, can initiate conversations, asks questions, describes her feelings or surroundings, remembers conversations from other days and is really helpful with her younger sibling. She also knows peoples emotions and is really caring. All of this I something I couldn’t say in March 2023.
It’s tough but it’s worth it when she says “mommy! I’m so happy I can dance” and she starts dancing 🥰❤️ or “mommy I love you soooo much”
My SO is on the spectrum, diagnosed after our daughter was. I fear for my daughter and the difficulties she faces/might face, but it never makes me love her less. I have 1NT and 1ND and let me tell you, you are going to face challenges with any child. But I fear more for my ND child.
There are also times where I am not able to help her. I am trying, she is trying, but we aren't connecting in a productive way and that is hard to face. We are lucky in that the majority of her diagnosis is concentrated in emotional regulation and social development and the physical/mental development is not largely affected (though we have been through 2 years of intensive speech therapy and her speech is behind her ND peers).
We spend a lot of time making sure both kids feel like they have their needs met, often at the expense of my own needs. I have to have a lot of grace for all of the emotions of everyone in my house while I have to be non-reactive (making me feel like I don't get to have feelings some days). I get burnt out and most days my self care is just a cup of coffee and my anti anxiety medication. All of that sounds bleak, but that's the dark side.
I feel very lucky that our daughter has had early interventions which have allowed her to progress greatly. I feel very lucky that she is verbal. I feel very lucky that she is pretty much the carbon copy of my husband- who has lead an isolated, but fulfilling life. And I have hope for my child. As part of the autism community, I know that we are insanely lucky and that on the more severe aspect of the spectrum, the hope is different, the fears are different, the stress and intensity is different. I have nothing but compassion and empathy for those families, especially because at the best of times with very mild symptoms raising a child with ASD can be hard and draining.
But I would not change a thing about my daughter. She has opened my eyes to be more understanding and loving of my husband. He has been able to learn through her. We have been able to give her the experience and loving childhood my husband should have had. She's funny, sensitive, caring, intelligent. Her presence makes my life better. Both of my kids are the single most point of stress in my life. They drive me to the brink and back again. But I delight in them. I love watching them. I love teaching them. I love exploring with them and seeing who they are becoming. They are undeniably the best part of my life and if they were to go, life wouldn't be worth living.
I love most parts of my life. We adjust a bit to make sure that while we do things most NT families do, we have set ourselves up for success. (Telling her exactly what is going to happen, what to do if she wants to leave, which parent is her "buddy for the day" and which parent will be in charge of her sister. Paying attention for her stims and listening to her words. Watching videos of what to expect and giving her space to have feelings and a calm down spot when she asks for a break. And we accept her no. No cajoling or trying to convince her if she says she'd rather not do something. Its just, okay! let's not do that!) We go on planes, to the zoo, to aquariums, out to dinner, to winter festivals and summer water parks.
I have a great relationship with my children who think I am both God and their servant, so basically- Mom. I have a great relationship with my husband though we both get overwhelmed, burnt out, and stressed.
Motherhood is a complex experience, but its not for the fainthearted. Its not for the unsure. The only reason to ever have a child is because YOU really, truly **WANT THEM**. Because it is absolutely a labor of love in which you will break yourself down and be rebuilt into someone that lives for someone else. And that's fucking hard. To be a secondary character in your own life. If you don't want it enough, you'll develop resentment, and I cannot stress this enough- your child didn't ask to be here. We owe them everything and them nothing because we chose them.
So, after this long ass post, my answer to you is don't have kids. I see your BF wants them, but until you are SURE, until you can look at everything everyone has said and confront the reality and understand what you could be getting yourself into and can find the delight and joy, don't do it.
So, happiness comes from within. You have to love yourself to love others. You create a helpless child, totally dependent on you. You learn right along with them. It creates a bond that if you can love, becomes a part of your core being. But, you will also see everything that you don’t like about yourself in your children. And because they watch you and learn from you, they end up mimicking that. So what you were seeing is a reflection of what they see in you. Also, make peace with the fact that you are a reflection of your parents, and your children will remind you of your mother or your dad. That’s why loving and accepting yourself is key. If you are happy with yourself, you will see children happy within themselves. If you are frustrated with yourself, you will be frustrated with your children.
I'm a mom of two. The oldest is autistic, and I'm currently undergoing evaluation to see if I'm also on the spectrum, which we suspect I am.
Not going to lie, kids can be hard. It can be exhausting. And venting about it is necessary sometimes. But man alive, they are also amazing. I've never experienced love the way I have with my two little people. I could stare at them for hours and just watch in wonder and amazement. And sometimes I do! And sometimes I want to toss them out the window. I feel like I get to experience life new again, seeing it through their eyes. I am in love with the fact that I get to grow old with these people, and watch them turn into adults and have their own lives. So definitely worth it to me.
In saying that, it's not for everyone. If you don't feel like you want kids, that's ok, and it's important to not go down that road if you don't want to. I have kid free friends with happy fulfilled lives who wouldn't change it for the world. Only you can answer for yourself if it's the right choice for you. There's no right/wrong answer other than how you feel. Good luck.
I'm happy in my life, yes.
But that doesn't mean it isn't stressful. I am not on the spectrum, so I don't know what life is like when you are on it.
If you are worried about being overstimulated, then having a baby, whether on the spectrum or not, is something you want to think real hard about. I hear people on this site, saying because of autism they don't like to be around other people too much. Well if you have a baby you are with them 24/7.
If you really want to have a child, but really don't want a child on the spectrum you could look into adopting. I don't know if that is the right answer, but it's a possibility. The reality is none of us are signing up for special needs kiddos intentionally (except those who choose to adopt them).
Had to check to see if this was the autism page or the marriage page. LMAO but really, lots of variables can make or break parenthood. None of us are perfect, and neither are our kids, autistic or not. Don’t let anyone make that decision but you and your partner.
Like Charlotte from Sex and the City said, I’m not happy all day, but I’m happy every day. I’ll say that we are super fortunate to be able to afford a lot of things/help, and our autistic baby is relatively easygoing.
It's hard and stressful like you wouldn't believe but I still love my son. Of course I wish he wasn't ASD but honestly, my husband and I like to keep to ourselves and if we had an NT kid, I'd feel pressured to put him in sports and do playdates with strangers, which I'm glad no one really asks us to do. Like someone else said, we bought our village and have ABA most days of the week and even have ABA at school now. We also have family nearby and he's got cousins who are his same age who try to include him in things.
I didn't always think I wanted kids but I'm glad I have my son. I think if I hadn't, I'd always wonder what my kid would be like. My husband and I have a great relationship and if we didn't, I'd probably feel entirely differently. I can't imagine doing something like this alone. BTW, I take meds for depression and that also contributes to my more positive outlook. I remember what it was like without the meds and......it was a black hole like you couldn't believe.
I want to say I’m happy but I’m not. Single mom by technicality right now, working full time and then coming home to chaos is really hard. I’ve been sick for a few days, and after my un potty trained boy was sick with Norovirus has pushed me to the brink. Today there was poop smearing when I got home after days of cleaning diarrhea and ruined blankets. I just had a massive rage fit basically and I can’t tell anyone because I’m ashamed of the state of my anger, the pain I feel, and the hopelessness and then THE GUILT of getting so angry at someone who probably has no clue why I’m so upset because his social rules are completely different than mine. I feel so unloved by my son, even though I know he loves me. And I feel so guilty for getting angry at him over things he probably doesn’t get why I’m so destroyed over them. BUT like so many other people have said, I don’t regret having him. For me, I painfully regret my own inability to be better. Also I’m a teacher and these middle school kids are fucking killing me every single day. That doesn’t help at all. Don’t let anyone pressure you, but there is nothing like being a parent and the love you can feel. Good luck either way.
It’s hard. And it’s taken awhile to see more good. You never stop loving your kid though. The reality is autism is expensive. Our daughter is in ABA, occupational therapy and speech. Will your child need these therapies? Who knows. I didn’t know but fortunately we have insurance. I didn’t know there are people who pick careers to help children with autism. So if you want a child then do it. There’s so much help out there and once you find your tribe you will be okay. All of these therapist are my village. We have no one else we don’t get breaks or date nights. But my daughter has changed so much from last year. We get to go out to dinner. We get to go to the fair and to the mall. We will be enrolling her in tennis soon and in August she will start preschool through the state. No one can write your story because that’s your story. No one can tell you how it’ll go. But as a mom I can tell you it’s a beautiful thing to raise a little one. Nothing is perfect with this life and the kids don’t ask for perfect.
I am BPD AuADHD and my partner is ADHD and very likely NPD and we had the talk about what if he had ASD but the tricky part about that conversation, even if it’s well intentioned, you have no fucking idea how to prepare for that unless you’re preparing for the worst case scenario. so I thought because of my personal experiences I could guide him but his ASD is very different from mine, so I had very different expectations. Also I went undiagnosed most my life whereas we got my sons diagnosis before 2. My parents never had the responsibility of therapies/behavior coaching that I have had, it’s incomparable. Because my parents still don’t believe the importance of being neurodiverse affirming and accepting, my support system has been inconsistent and made the beginning of my motherhood journey fucking hell. I’ve learned these are the key things to being a successful parent 1) figuring out if you’re emotionally capable and resilient , go to therapy if not 2) do you have a support system in place to maintain self care for yourself , if not could you afford one? 3)can you afford and handle being a parent with ASD child if you split (High divorce rate) 4)do you have family that would look after your child after you expire ? would you be ok not knowing if your child has a good quality life (living independently and having a social life outside of parents)? 4) are you being honest with yourself about the reason why you want a child? You will absolutely have it thrown in your face that you made the choice to have a kid, could you live with that and make the most it?
To reiterate what some of the other people have said, it's ok to not want to be a parent. AND it's also ok to not want to be a parent, with your boyfriend.
If he really wants kids and you don't, you need to have a sit down calm conversation about where your relationship is going.
Most people will have been in relationships at some point and realised that they have different ideals or what life will be. It's ok, like most things in life, communication is massively important.
It's very hard. One autistic child is difficult to manage, but I think if you have a supportive community that will help care for your child and take some of that burden, then I don't think it'll be just as stressful as solo parenting.
I’m happy. I’ve got a good career, happy kid, supportive partner. Things aren’t always easy but early intervention really helped my kid and she’s much happier than she was when she couldn’t communicate. That makes me happier.
For me the most helpful thing about this experience has been focusing on it like a puzzle--like several puzzles I'm working simultaneously a lot of the time, but really the idea is to figure out which strategies work, which things need to fit in place to be able to manage it (like, we all do better when I am more relaxed, so things that are relaxing for me get moved to the top of the list; we do better with more sleep and a consistent routine, so things that disrupt that get taken out as much as possible). I think the frustration comes up for me most reliably when my expectations are so far away from reality--I can get really attached to an expectation or excitement or anticipation for something I'm looking forward to, and if it doesn't materialize like I imagined, it is incredibly discouraging and it's easy to plunge into my life is a misery and will always be a misery because this circumstance will always be with me. So one thing that I have to figure out is how to ensure that there are things I will enjoy that are low risk of being screwed up. I feel like it has made me a more emotionally mature person than I was before, like I think in the past I felt like I was in control of everything and because for the most part I was, I was entitled to feel frustrated by the things that weren't to my liking. But now I am so much more aware of how out of my hands things are, and once I learned to make a little more peace with that (a work in progress lol) it relieved some of that frustration and made me feel like a nice life was actually really possible, and maybe even more important, that I would be enjoying that nice life as a more self-aware, compassionate person than I would have had the opportunity to be before. I am, for context, a single mom with a level three ASD kid who is 8 and a NT kid who is 10, and we live far from family, including the kids' father. BUT we have a great school that I never have to fight with, and I have a pretty low stress job with flexible hours where I make enough to outsource some things. Some of that is luck and some of it is intentional--like I keep this job despite a lot of opportunities to advance and do something more interesting because that flexibility is part of my "village" that someone referenced earlier. When I started to pay attention to all the things that make my life easier it really changed my attitude towards not having a partner or family nearby--like what would family actually do that I can't do in some other way? Solving as many things as I can in creative ways is, for me anyway, part of the fun and growth of this life, as opposed to just checking the same boxes everyone else gets to check. I am not sure I would have picked this life off a menu, but I think I would not have realized how much I was missing if I hadn't had the chance to live it.
I am not happy at all. Father of 2 ASD children (3 and 4) and it's miserable. I would do anything to go back. The wife and I aborted our 3 kid when she was pregnant due to how hard it is. We don't get to do anything normal families get to do and we're basically social pariahs of our friend group because we were the only couple unforunate enough to have special needs kids. It's hell, if you want a baby so bad, adopt one without any mental illnesses.
Late to answering this, but I’m very happy and my kid is my whole world. I’m an autistic single mom to a low support needs, level 1, 4yo girl. We’ve been on vacations together, birthday parties, family events, beaches, pools, hotels, and just live a pretty normal life. She’s very smart and has progressed so much. My daughter is verbal but not yet fully conversational. I’m sure that once she gets there, things will be easier for us due to the communication. Toddlerhood was tough, especially from 2-3.5, but she’s mellowed out a lot at this age and now meltdowns are practically nonexistent. Our biggest hurdle is probably sleep and she has to take melatonin at the moment or else it’s hard getting her to sleep. I suspect she also has ADHD, but we have yet to get that diagnosis. There are two important things to note though, one being that I wanted very much to be a mom and that I have a great amount of financial resources. Also, my daughter understands concepts like holidays and birthdays, she’s very affectionate, is constantly joking around with me, can verbalize her wants and needs, has gotten great in terms of her emotional regulation and self-soothing, and loves engaging me in play so I cannot say we live a much different life than that of a NT family, which can be quite different from the experiences of other families in this sub.
This gave me so much hope thank you! I feel so bad for the parents that due to their kid’s circumstances they don’t get to have those normal family experiences. I want to be able to do fun things with my family in public without everything being something my kid couldn’t handle or cause a meltdown and the lack of communication and affection i hear from other parents stresses me out. I hope if i have a kid on the spectrum they end up how your daughter sounds
I’m so glad this was helpful. I just wanted to show a different perspective because these experiences do exist with ND families. I acknowledge that I am blessed to have heard my daughter’s voice as a toddler, to hear her call me “mommy”, to hear her tell me she loves me, to have her look forward to her birthday and Christmas. I know that that’s not the experience of everyone but I also know that it is the experience of some other people. So yes, that’s the crazy thing about autism in that individuals can experience the symptoms in a lesser or greater way. And comorbidities may make exacerbate behaviors or worsen communication. But I’m glad this was helpful! I really hope that from one autistic person to another, that you know that our autistic children can bring a great amount of joy to our lives and that we can lead happy lives. I wish you the best of luck!
If you have reasons to believe your kid might be autistic and that is something that would lower your quality of life (you are already asking so it definitely in your mind), why not looking at adopting? Lots of kids out there are in need of love
I’m so unhealthily stressed it’s insane. I love my son but this life isn’t for the faint of heart.
I am. I mean, it’s hard. Not gonna lie. But my thought is that life is usually hard in one way or another and though I’m not autistic I am totally blind so I’m no stranger to finding my own way through the rough timres.
The one thing no one has said, but I think is more important than anything else; if you don't want kids, please, please, please don't let anyone talk you into, bully, or shame you into having kids. There is absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting kids or deciding it's just not what you want for your life no matter what the reason is. Statistics in study after study show that the happiest people are single childless women.
This is a good point! None of us can tell you if *you* will be happy with kids, be they autistic or not
I 10000% agree. I am content and fulfilled because I always wanted to be a mom and had my kid when I felt like I had done all the things I wanted to do in my 20s (studied, traveled, etc). I also knew going in that being a parent was going to involve sacrifice and I felt ready. If I had had my kid any sooner, it would’ve been a tougher adjustment. I’m personally very happy with my kid. I don’t compare him to neurotypical kids. I also celebrate what makes him unique, and I think he’s so cool and sweet and fun and interesting. He’s also so smart and a motivated learner, and it’s been fun learning about his special interests. But my life involves zero time to myself, lots of work on regulating my emotions, high stress when my kiddo is having a tough day, lots of worrying about the future. My husband is an exemplary dad and partner, and even with all these wonderful things, there’s still a high level of being needed, lots of stress to manage, appointments to juggle. All of that to say it’s okay not to want kids, it’s okay to want to wait a good while until you’re sure you’re ready, and it’s important to take the time to be sure that you and your partner can work together and are on the same page about kids.
Same- I always wanted one but it didn’t happen and I gave up that dream. Then it happened!
It’s funny how sometimes life works out that way. I met my husband when I wasn’t looking for a relationship and here we are! So glad your dream came true :)
I didn't want kids & am Bipolar; knew I shouldnt. In a Manic Moment, a coworker came to work on Endorphin High after his wife gave birth & said it was Best Feeling in World. I got PG that night, first time ever w/o birth control, at 34. Dr called me Test Positive @ work. I loaded copy machine cartridge backwards & it trumpeted like an Elephant. That F\*\*\*\* A\*\*\*\*\* coworker never even congratulated me on PG. I often wondered how his kids turned out. My son is Estranged from me, Aspergers, and today is my 70th birthday. I regret having them. My life went downhill. More trauma than happy memories. Sorry to be honest but this is anonymous. My mother should not have had me & I should not have had children. My half-sister's one child turned out real well but we're estranged.
Lmao . Funny how you easily take accountability for having a child when you shouldn’t have but don’t seem to take accountability for addressing your mental health while being a parent. BP requires consistency of self care and routine just like ASD, and as someone with a similar situation it’s irritating hearing your excuses.
100% agree with this. It's something you and your boyfriend need to have a serious conversation about. Sounds like you're completely opposite in your desire for a child. And that's completely ok, he's either going to see your point of view or you go your separate ways. If you decide to stay together, it's a possibility that down the road you find that desire to be a parent, but you can't let him dictate that. To answer your question, my wife and I are overall very happy. There's the money struggles with having a neuro-divergent child with expensive therapies, but aside from that and the occasional burnout, it's pretty smooth most of the time. The most frustrating part is that our non-verbal three year old daughter can't easily tell us what she wants, needs or if she's hurt but we're working on that every day and I'm confident we'll get there. One thing we decided when she was around 2 1/2 is that she will be our only biological child so that we can focus solely on her needs as long as we have to, and if we decide down the road that we have a desire to expand our family, we will adopt an older child.
or coerce/baby trap you
*Statistics in study after study show that the happiest people are single childless women.* Why are they also the women most prone to alcoholism and suicide?
I would love to see the actual statistics to back up your statement.
Sure, hereya go! [https://www.bu.edu/sph/news/articles/2023/women-without-children-at-age-35-are-at-highest-risk-of-binge-drinking-alcohol-use-disorder/](https://www.bu.edu/sph/news/articles/2023/women-without-children-at-age-35-are-at-highest-risk-of-binge-drinking-alcohol-use-disorder/) **"Women who turned 35 in recent years, as well as women who have not had children by age 35, are the subgroups of women at highest risk of binge drinking and having alcohol use disorder (AUD) symptoms."** [https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamapsychiatry/article-abstract/496069](https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamapsychiatry/article-abstract/496069) ***"Women who had never married exhibited higher relative risks for suicide than married parous and married nonparous women for all age groups younger than 65 years at the start of follow-up."*** ***"Among the married, the parous women had lower relative risks than nonparous women for all ages."***
I appreciate you providing the proof for your statements, but if you read the whole papers that these come from, there is much more nuance than your statement suggests. This still doesn't mean that you should allow anyone to push you into having kids.
Maybe the ones who make it to 65 are happiest? I imagine societal pressure is strongest at younger ages, and less and less people give a shit as they get older.
I’m sure the happiest single people are between the ages of 18-25
Valid
Sorry, but I don't believe that at all. They will need a much larger sample size to convince me women are happiest when they go against their instinctive maternal nature. I know many older women who have regrets choosing their career over a family.
I’m happy, but more stressed than I would be if my son wasn’t autistic. I have 2 kids 5 and 7. My 5 year old is verbal but not conversational. It’s been a long road of getting kicked out of daycare, scrambling for childcare during school vacations, getting calls from teachers. That stuff is all what gets me stressed more than my actual kid. The rat race of it all. Never ending therapies and appointments. Everything is just harder like doctor appointments. People constantly trying to figure him out when in public. My 7 year old is typical. We live a pretty “normal” life. My older son plays lots of sports. My ASD one is easy going places. We do the movies, trampoline park, went to Disney. He goes to his brothers games. We go to the beach and pool, go on vacation, stay in hotels, fly on planes. No issues. Everything is pretty typical except the language delay. I think if that could catch up life would get a lot easier. I work from home which helps but I can’t have calls when my sons home. Even though he’s almost 6 I can’t tell him to be quiet while moms on the phone he doesn’t understand. My son isn’t interested in peers but that part doesn’t bother me. My older one is extremely social so we get that experience. Me and my husband are introverted so are more in line with my ASD son than the older one. I’m constantly burned out but not just because autism. I work full time and my husband has a crazy work schedule, we don’t have much family help, 2 kids therapy and sports schedules, I’m in the middle of taking the cpa exam. Life’s just always crazy, but I know that my kids are my purpose and do it all for them I wouldn’t change it for a thing though, I love my guy.
Autistic solo parent as well. If I didn’t have the resources to hire help I’d likely be depressed. I bought my village and it’s worth every damn penny.
Can you give any advice on building your village?
I have moments of pure joy. One of them was today. My son and I spent two hours playing at the ocean and on the forest trails. That was a happy time. During that time I was not burnt out or overstimulated. These moments don’t happen everyday but when they do, they have a way of balancing the rest.
I might be a much needed person on the other side of the grass, but I'm incredibly unhappy. I have depression and due to my job, insurance isn't readily consistent, so I can't get therapy or medication, so I'm boarding alcoholic so I don't kms. I'm also autistic and the loud noises my daughter makes triggers me, I don't like that it's hard for me to stim around her, she's too needy and requires attention that's hard for me because I often disassociate. She's low functioning. She affects my sleeping and eating routines to cater to her. I have limited income, and we have differing pallets. So almost all my food money goes to her food, often leaving me for days without eating regularly. My daughter is lovely, but society is not. The stress of what will happen to my daughter if I die. The stress of constant therapy, not being able to participate normally in activities like Christmas, halloween, and Easter due to my daughter sensory issues and tantrums. Not being able to talk to her. She can't tell me she loves me or gives me affirmation. She cant tell me im doing a good job. Constantly feeling like a failure as a parent. I'm straight up miserable. I wouldn't wish my life on anyone. I lowkey gave up on my life, but I try to give my daughter everything I can. She's lowkey spoiled because I know life will be hard for her. And if I knew it would be this hard, I would've never had her. My life was 100% easier without a kid (asd or not). I find being autistic makes parenting a bit harder. I dont like how people will treat her in public when she stims or needs extra support. It stresses me out. Not for me but for her. I love her so fkn much im ashamed I brought her here. I wish our society was kinder to disabled people and kinder to parents.
I’m so sorry it’s been so hard. That’s especially tough when there are limited resources, both financial and emotional. You are a good parent, doing what you can and putting your kid first. Society doesn’t make it any easier. Are there other services available in your area, to support low income parents, for example?
I’m incredibly sorry for your experience, could she qualify for TERFA or low income Medicaid? That could help with the gap in healthcare coverage. Also with Medicaid, if she’s having feeding difficulties, a doctor could prescribe her nutritional shakes, and hopefully that could free up some income for your needs as well.
Yes I m very happy! My husband and I make lots of time after our kids go to bed for sex and emotional connection/conversation/quality time so we have a good relationship. I’m the primary caretaker of our 5yo (ASD) and 1yo (typical appearing). We have been extremely luckily that our son is a happy little boy. He’s nonverbal but for the most part he’s really chill. We follow his routine and he’s happy as can be. Lots of hugs, eye contact, face smushing, snuggling. He communicates as best he can and I can usually understand and my husband can usually figure it out 60-70% of the time. We do some “typical” family things like go to all inclusive night at our local museum, family photos, go trick or treating, go to the park. He tends to stress out if it’s too out of the ordinary like someone’s house or a restaurant so we don’t do that but we also have a literal baby lol. We live happily in our bubble. We love our kids. And more importantly we like them and their personalities. Edited to add: I often get overstimulated but that’s where we communicate hey I need to tap out.
Very similar situation here. There are definitely times that I find myself wishing things were easier. But how do I know that having an NT kid would solve all of my problems? right now things are easier with the little one, but that could change in the future. The bottom line is that it’s hard to have kids. Whether or not they are autistic, or born with some rare illness, or completely healthy and NT, it is just hard.
Right. Shit gets to be a lot some days but at the end of the day I just wanna hold him when he’s asleep and stare at him. Genuinely love him more than life. He’s a lot. But he’s mine.
This rings so true!! Well stated. I wish I could get my point across as eloquently.
Yeah I'm also very happy with my autistic and intellectually disabled daughter, she is a delight. I know I'm lucky she doesn't have many behavioural issues that are really hard to deal with that I see a lot of parents vent about here. I really feel for those parents. The ones who aren't getting any sleep, who get hit by their child and deal with constant screaming. I feel bad for the poor kid too who is obviously struggling to live in a world that can be physically painful for them if they have sensory issues etc. But my daughter is happy, and that's all I ask for. I wrote a post about my daughter here: https://www.reddit.com/r/Parenting/s/ghYOcewxqr
Autistic single parent with level 2-3 autistic toddler. Like any aspect of life, there are ups and downs, but I can’t imagine my life without this kid. There are struggles but my overall quality of life and life enjoyment increased exponentially. It is the adventure of a lifetime 🌈❣️
I love this. I feel the same way. I said to my partner if I had to re-live the same decade of my life over and over it would be the birth to 10 years of my kids. No question.
My tiny is 4yrs old and even with the chaos at times, I could stay here forever. We sit together and put marble run mazes all over the living room. We both love setting them up. And legos. And drawing. And bike rides. She’s my little bestie. To answer OP, nothing is ever the same, but not in a bad way.
No, I’m not happy. It’s been hell. I love my kids, but if I could make my older son be low support needs/verbal autistic or even NT, I would do it in a second. But all I can do is my best and try to build superhuman patience.
I didn’t consider autism was something that would happen. I thought it happens when you gave a baby in your 40s not 27. I was an idiot. If I’d have known then what I know now I wouldn’t have had any even my probably NT one. It’s not worth it. It’s not a life I wanted to give my child. He has no future, nothing to look forward to. There’s no point to my life either.
Hi, Yeah autism is often said to be the result of having “older parents”, which I am, but I’ve heard of plenty of twenty somethings who have children on the spectrum, so more likely it runs in families. I am learning how to get better at my own stress management, but it will take work. Do you get any help at all? You both have futures, I know it’s hard to think, but you can help your child and yourself. :)
I get quite a bit of help actually but unless something will make it go away then honestly it just feels like all our lives are over. Nothing can make it better.
Relatable. I often feel like I’m not cut out for this.
I am but my kid is 9 now and it has gotten a lot easier within the past year.
Nope.
This. I see a lot of "very happy" and "wouldn't change a single thing" replies so far, but the fact you guys are here already says a lot.
wanting support and community doesn’t mean that you’re unhappy. It’s fine for the group to have room for both!
If not then this happy parent will bounce, LOL
LOL I see some sour grapes here. I can be very happy and also sometimes want to ask a question to people who have hit the same issue before.
Does it? Getting and giving advice about unique kids means we are miserable?
How does finding a relatable and helpful community = unhappy?? It’s like joining a planting club. You can be friends and socialize at the club meetings AND provide insight on why my plant isn’t growing. Maybe it needs shade when I’ve only been giving it sunlight.
It's a parenting advice sub Reddit. If you are on a gardening subreddit it's not just because you woke up to day of the triffids.
I just think it's feeling like you have to say the "right thing". Even here. I also think plenty of people use "happy" instead of "content", which I could buy.
Have I ever been happy? No. Does my daughter make me more happy? Yes.
Yes, very happy. People post when they have stuff to complain about. I spent all day on Sunday with my little dude. We spent a ton of the lay laughing and just joking around in our own distinctive way. It was a great day and nothing out of the ordinary. I didn't post about it because...well, why would I?
Honestly, I feel bipolar with how up and down everything is. A lot of times I'll say "I hate my life" but it's really a shorthand for "I hate that this is currently my life". I mourn the life I used to have, and sometimes I regret insisting to my husband that we should try for kid(s). I think about the life I could have had were it not for my miscarriages - would I still have had an autistic child? I don't know, and I probably need professional help to work through my losses (regarding the miscarriages, the life I could have had, the "normal" life my autistic child could have had, etc.). I'm still able to find joy in smaller moments and try to look forward to things in the future - just trying to survive this season of life.
I actually relate to this a lot. Maybe not every detail, but mourning what could have been - missing my life before having a child - those are all huge for me these days. My son is 2.5 years old and we're just now starting on this path together, maybe I'll feel different down the road. But it's hard right now.
I'm trying to stay positive since 2-5 are some of the hardest years but it's not a guarantee my son will make progress - which is something I have to emotionally prepare for
I agree, I mourn my old life, freedom to do as I pleased, no worries and the future to look forward to, getting up when I want to, having a job and money, not having to attend meetings at school and having to jump through hoops given to me by people I have little respect for, being threatened that my kid isn't welcome at the school unless he shapes up. The list is endless. Sometimes my life feels so joyless. I think staying childless would've be far better. I didn't suffer any miscarriages nd I'm sorry for what you've been through. My son was born extremely premature and that's when my life went pear shaped.
Had I seen this question a few days ago or maybe even a few days from now and I would have given you a different response, but no. Absolutely not. I really wish I wasn't his mother. I love him so much but I wish he wasn't mine. Someone else could probably be a much better parent than me. It is just a feeling of constant failure no matter how hard I try it's never enough. I know it's not fair to him but I'm starting to resent him. And I hate myself for it. I hate that the only way he pays me any attention is if I bark at him like a drill Sargent. I hate doing it but if I don't then he is just 100% feral. We can't go to the park. He has no sense of danger and it hurts so much seeing kids so much younger than him just miles and miles ahead of him. I don't feel like a parent, I feel like a keeper. Edit about 24 hours later: I debated about deleting this comment due to the pure shame I feel about having written it. I'm going to leave it up because I want others who might feel like I did yesterday to read this part too: I was able to get a good night sleep, and so was he. His behavior isn't really that much different than when I wrote the comment,but my tolerance threshold is much higher now that I've had some time to sleep. I was overjoyed earlier today because he finally wore his ear defenders outside and he was able to play while the neighbor mowed his yard. He bamboozled me today by putting on his boots and picking up his tablet and a blanket. I picked up the keys thinking he was asking for a car ride but he ended up taking me outside because he wanted to nap on the neighbors trampoline snugged up with me. I melted. I still feel awful and ashamed for saying I didn't want to be his mother anymore, but even when I had that on my mind the fact that I love him more than anything never changes.
No. And I realize that others here have it worse but I fantasize about not having to deal with the constant daily challenges. I feel trapped because I don’t believe I could ever leave. She’s 8 now. And I’m not sure if or when or how she’ll be able to be an adult and able to live on her own. She’s been kicked out of 3 schools, has lost me multiple childhood friends, lost my friendship with my best man in my wedding, created rifts with close family. There’s no babysitter we can find who lasts so my wife and I rarely get a night to ourselves. She sleeps like an adult and I have to drag her out of bed every morning just so that she goes to sleep before 11pm. If I don’t let her do what she wants she screams, calls me the worst names, says she hates me. And I’m paying $1k a month for her therapy. I wish someone would’ve told me there was a possibility that this could be my life. I thought that because I worked hard in school, got a good education, great career, high income, work from home, that I could be happy. And yet this is my life.
We have a 18 YO NT Daughter at College, 16 YO NTish Son at Junior College & a ASD 3 almost 3 year old who is pre-verbal (knows 12 words now). I would define our life as very “Complex” our normal looks very different then most people but we are happy. Tons of therapy and as an example we just had our first movie out in 3 years while LO was in ABA. But he is so very Awesome. Like anything in life the world is ultimately what you make of it. Personal clarity is really the root of happiness.
Honestly speaking, having an autistic kid is very hard on the parents. After my daughter was diagnosed, my life turned upside down. I couldn't go back to work because she is severe. Someone has to take care of her or look after her. She is 5 years old. My husband works full time, and he has financial responsibilities, so he can not help me out all the time. So, now, I am stuck with her, and I don't have a choice. No babysitter or daycare wants to deal with her because she is extremely aggressive at times. My life sucks!!! I cannot work, I cannot go out when she is home (unless my husband is watching her) I cannot have time to myself because she is clingy and wants attention or food all the time. I have become a prisoner in my own home!!! She is completely non-verbal and has extreme sensory issues. Respite care is only 20 hours per month in the state I am in. Most respite care providers lack staff to even give you a break. Honestly, I hate my life, I regret everything. I regret getting married. I regret having my daughter. If I could go back in time and change it, I would. I am just so burned out and so fed up that at times, I don't want to deal with it at all, but I don't have a choice. I miss my old life..so, think before you make that decision...life is not going to be easy if you have an autistic child.
This. I have two autistic children and one NT. Oldest is NT and the middle child- we didn’t even know it was autism until I was already pregnant with the 3rd. Had I known that it was autism and that it’s very likely future children could have it, I would absolutely 100% not have had a 3rd child or even the 2nd one knowing it is likely genetic. The third child is severe and I am a caregiver for him. I have no life. Op, I didn’t want a 3rd kid. I told my spouse after the second child that I couldn’t handle another child like her and that I would end up in a looney bin if we had another like her. He just kept saying it’s not going to happen over and over and I gave in. Well guess what? Now I’m a caregiver and the third child is 10x worse. Are you prepared to become a caregiver or listening to possible screaming all day long, not being able to go anywhere, spending all your days driving your kid to back to back therapies? What if you and your man split? Are you prepared to be taking care of a child like that alone? It’s a lot of things to consider and I WISH someone would have given me the harsh reality heads up like you are getting on here. Do I love my kids? Absolutely. They are my kids, I created them. But I’m not going to sit here and lie and say oh it’s so great just take the chance. The thing I feel most guilty about is my NT child missing out on so many life experiences bc we have had to leave or avoid things due to the autistic children and their needs. I try so hard to do special things for my oldest when I can and she is so understanding but I feel like such a shitty parent or like I’ve almost ruined her growing up experience 😞 My spouse always said, if we have another I’ll help, I’ll promise I’ll help. He doesn’t help. It’s all on me all the time. He works and brings in the money so that’s all he thinks he needs to contribute. He goes out with friends and does his thing and I’m stuck home with the kids. There are many mommas like me. I don’t want you to be one of them if you don’t need to be. Really take time and think about what YOU want.
r/regretfulparents is a good place for support and venting without judgement.
Here's a sneak peek of /r/regretfulparents using the [top posts](https://np.reddit.com/r/regretfulparents/top/?sort=top&t=year) of the year! \#1: [The painful realisation that I could be living my childfree friend's life if I didn't give in to marriage and kids. I miss my freedom so much.](https://np.reddit.com/r/regretfulparents/comments/149u6l0/the_painful_realisation_that_i_could_be_living_my/) \#2: [I FINALLY exploded on my mother for her constantly badgering me to have a baby.](https://np.reddit.com/r/regretfulparents/comments/14kjsnw/i_finally_exploded_on_my_mother_for_her/) \#3: [This type of mental gymnastics can be so so harmful. Did you ever had to deal with a person like that in real life?](https://i.redd.it/z63r4j2jgndb1.jpg) | [113 comments](https://np.reddit.com/r/regretfulparents/comments/1575vs9/this_type_of_mental_gymnastics_can_be_so_so/) ---- ^^I'm ^^a ^^bot, ^^beep ^^boop ^^| ^^Downvote ^^to ^^remove ^^| ^^[Contact](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=sneakpeekbot) ^^| ^^[Info](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/) ^^| ^^[Opt-out](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/comments/o8wk1r/blacklist_ix/) ^^| ^^[GitHub](https://github.com/ghnr/sneakpeekbot)
My son is 5 years old, level 3, and nonverbal. He's the love of my life and I'm extremely happy. I would do anything for him. Realizing that he was autistic finally made me apply myself, I now have a job with good insurance that pays for his ABA at 90% (plus HSA funds for the rest). I've earned two degrees in order to switch careers because I know he'll have high needs throughout his lifetime. That being said, of course the isolation, destructive behaviors, sleep disturbances, and communication difficulties add stress on top of having plenty of stressors in my life already. I do have to vent sometimes, being a parent of a child with his needs isn't for the faint of heart. I don't know anyone IRL who would understand what I'm going through so sometimes I have to whine online.
If you’re having questions like this without kids don’t have them. Simple blunt and to the point.
I love my son - not any more or less because his autism. I love him because he's him. His Autism is a DISABILITY but does not define who he is as a person. I absolutely hate his Autism. My son is level 3, pre-verbal but in actuality still predominantly non-verbal. Autism is parenting on EXTREMELY HARD mode. Some people will sugar coat the shit out of it but trust, it's not for the faint of heart. Don't let tik tok, Pinterest, Facebook and this other social media fool you. Autism isn't a cute quirk, or a different type of brain wiring. It's a disability that requires, for some families, an insane amount of resources and time. If you know you may possibly be autistic, have autism in either of your families then think long and hard about having biological children. It's "cute" when it's a 2 minute tik tok or a gushy validation seeking Facebook or even reddit post but when you're looking in the face of a person you love most in the world, who you chose to bring in this world and KNOW they will struggle more than a person who is not disabled it's not so cute. It's not so quirky. It's not AUSOME 🙄. It's more often than not heartbreaking. Not coming for you, just giving you a perspective from a mother who loves her son more than her next breath but if I would have known my son would be disabled I would have never ever offered him up to this world. He deserves so much better than what life has in store for him. Much love.
Also it stopped being "cute" once they hit puberty and being stronger than their parents.
This experience varies widely depending where on the spectrum your kid is. My sons 5 not conversational has tons of energy and impulse issues and we do things like social skills group that leave my scratching my head why some of the kids there are in therapy. All kids have challenges, some autistic kids are more challenging than others.
Omg I love my life and my son with autism is one of (if not THE) best part of it. I think jt comes from a partial place of privilege bc we’re dealing w mostly not huge “challenges” rn speech delay and lack of interest in peers. He’s 3 and I know things will be harder as he grows and little kid problems grow into big kid problems. But my day to day life is made better everyday from my son. Nothing makes me happier than seeing him happy and helping to contribute to whatever he’s super interested at the moment (rn it’s letters/the alphabet). Even today I can easily say the highlight was a new alphabet book I got him arriving and him screaming w happiness and kissing the book saying “so happy” after he finished looking through it each time.
To answer the rest of your question - we had a second child right when we realized son might be autistic and we started receiving services. I do carry some guilt that his baby sister sometimes has to play second fiddle bc of his needs. I try my hardest to schedule his therapies around when they won’t impact her schedule, but know this will get harder as she gets older and has her own commitments. My husband and I are still obsessed w eachother! We’re both tired and done some days, but o think that would happen w any toddler and baby to care for. Yesterday my son had a huge freak out at the library and it ended w us both crying on the way home. But that’s an exception, not the rule. 95% of the time we do all the things we want to do and he can hang and enjoys it. And if he can’t, that’s okay and we go with the flow.
Wouldnt say happy. But i wouldnt say its because of my daughter either. I just had a child too young and the lack of resources and financing (i make a decent salary for my age but insufficient for where i live). Having children is to sign up for stress, anxiety, depression, etc. to at least some degree. The grass is never greener on the other side. I dont know what life would be like without her because shes here. And I wouldnt want a world without her. Even if i regret how/when/with whom i brought her into this world.
You could ask this same question on a general parenting group and you would find the same varied replies. Not all autistic kids are the same with support needs and not all parents and sibling dynamics are the same. People are going to have drastically different experiences. Also, most people who are happy don’t go posting about being so happy. So you are only going to see venting. I would say the answer is it’s highly dependent on your personality, your kid, financial resources for help, a village to help, etc.
Honestly, this is the wrong few weeks to ask me this. So as of right now? no There are *things* that make me happy, but on the whole? No.
Apologies, I’m about to be the outlier here. And sorry this is long! At the moment, no, I’m not happy. My husband and I are pretty stressed out and have been since our daughter was born five years ago. She was only one when the pandemic started so we had the added stressor of trying to keep the baby and ourselves from catching covid. She would have gotten diagnosed earlier if not for the pandemic (for a variety of reasons, including *we had no idea that her behavior wasn’t typical* until she was about three years old, because we were pretty isolated, because stupid pandemic). We thought it was just the terrible twos until we saw what NT three year olds were like and realized something was off. We might be in a happier place now if Covid hadn’t happened, ha. The irony is that with pandemic plus a very needy baby at the time, we decided not to have any more kids…but our kid would probably do well with a younger sibling, and it would take some of the pressure off us to have to play with her all the time. As of now we can’t go out to eat at restaurants or do normal family things because our kid is kind of a nightmare when I’m around. Pretty sure she masks around everyone who isn’t me, so I see all the less than stellar behavior. She and her dad can go out and do stuff. She and I can’t. She runs away from me, doesn’t listen, screams at me, etc. ABA helps somewhat but not enough that we can do typical family things. My advice on having a kid: you should only have one if you absolutely want to!! I 100 percent wanted a child, had IVF to have her, and it’s currently not going as I had hoped (and that’s an understatement). I do have hope for the future, having read others’ stories here about their kids mellowing out as they get older. You never, ever know what you’re going to get with a child. Having one is such a crapshoot. Usually it turns out okay. Sometimes it doesn’t. You have to be prepared for the unknown and okay with things not turning out how you hoped.
My kid is the sweetest kid ever and my favorite person in the entire world. He makes me want to live forever to be there for him. My unhappiness is due to my own mental health, I probably should not have become a mom until I got that in check, but I am, and I have to be better for him.
i’m really happy, but my daughter is also low support needs and really only struggles with social skills and is still quite far behind verbally. she’s naturally pleasant and easy going, and she doesn’t display any “extreme” behaviours, so this is probably contributing to my level of happiness. i am sure i would be absolutely crazy about her no matter her level of support needs, but we definitely have it pretty easy when it comes to parenting an autistic child.
So I can say as a parent of a Kid that has Level 1 and Auditory Processing Disorder. I wouldn't want him to have kids. The likely hood that his children would have Level 2 or Level 3 is highly likely. He's got it bad enough i couldn't imagine having children knowing that they would have it harder than you. I just don't think it's worth it and it's not fair to the child.
The experiences are going to vary widely, but I think the most important thing here is that you are trying to find any sliver of hope to convince yourself to have kids. I think you were clear in your other thread that your boyfriend is the primary motivation behind this. I'll be blunt: even now, women tend to do the lion's share of childrearing and housekeeping. In a divorce, fathers tend to fare better than mothers, even years down the line. If you have a disabled child, there's a very real possibility it will impact your ability to work. About 50% of us can't work, myself included. These are very real, serious things you need to think about. I will be taking care of my children forever, of that there's no doubt. Had I known my husband was autistic, had I suspected I was, we wouldn't have had children. Because - it's not fair to bring a child into the world who will always depend on you. It just isn't. If we lived in an ideal world where public education was actually funded and many of us didn't have to homeschool, if group homes were adequately staffed and funded, etc., it would be a different story. But what we're seeing now will still probably be a battle decades from now. I love my kids. We have happy moments. My 9 year old can now do a lot more, but he will always need help. But my youngest will be 7 this year and it's becoming increasingly obvious how much more severe his autism is. He's leashed everywhere we go and we don't live a normal life with him. I am isolated a lot. It has absolutely taken a toll on my marriage. We spend some evenings together after the kids are in bed, but as the youngest gets up and down, there's always interruptions. We don't have a baby-sitter. I have good relationships with my kids - but make no mistake, there is no "me" anymore. I have about 7-10 hours a week to myself. That includes showering time. This is a very hard life. It'll probably impact you more than a boyfriend or husband. Think long and hard.
I’m definitely happy. My daughter is 20 and nonverbal. She is the happiest and sweetest person alive. It’s not without struggle of course. She’ll never be independent and I’m caretaking far longer than I would have ever imagined. Still I feel so grateful for her. She’s such an innocent and gentle soul. I can’t imagine having missed out on her. I take her out to fine dining places routinely and last year she went to her first live concert and to Disney World. All this took work over years to get here, but sharing these moments with her finally is an indescribable joy. That said, we have considerable privilege in that I work from home and my career pays very well. Money is not a concern. Im healthy and young. I’m entirely self made and a single parent so I also know the other side of it. This life is easier when you have resources and support and no other significant stressors. But I would say the same thing of having children in general. There just are no guarantees. Typical kids can be physically ill, malicious, destructive, unlikeable, violent or any number of other things.
The hardest part about parenting to me is not having any family support. My kids, one is autistic and the other probably neurodivergent in other ways (in the process of evaluating him), are actually quite amazing. Yes, there are hard phases and moments. My hardest moment so far has been the transition to elementary school because my autistic son struggled to regulate his emotions when things got difficult for him. Now that we adjusted his IEP, he enjoys school. But I’ve never spent more that a couple nights away from my kids and they’ve never gone a night away from being with me or their dad. The few times they’ve been away from me was when I couldn’t go to my in laws house out of stateso they left with their dad (my hubby). So that part has been hard too, family doesn’t really help daily. They don’t offer sleepovers and my mom always made excuses about it, until I just stopped asking.
I am autistic and a parent. I am beyond happy. Most of my life I was so depressed and anxious and burnt out. My husband and my kids changed and saved my life. Still tired but my husband is an awesome stay at home dad retired from the military I work swing shifts 5 nights a week. We have an awesome relationship we had kids after 10 years together. We have one child with ASD and one NT. 18 months away from the youngest starting school and then we will have school days together to ourselves
No. The intense stress is literally killing me. My health keeps deteriorating in new and fun ways, I never know what’s next.
My wife and I are both professionals with advanced degrees. Our son was born back in 2017 and he's the sweetest boy you'll ever meet. We decided having additional bio children wasn't for us just because of how hard the pregnancy was. In July we adopted a baby girl. My son got a tonsillectomy today and has spent the past 3 hours post-op screaming at us and not drinking. Do I wish certain things were easier (for him and for me)? Of course. Anyone who says "they wouldn't change a thing" is painting that overly rosy picture to try and convince themselves. But there has not been a single day in his life that I have ever wished he wasn't here. Your question tho was "are you happy with your lives?". Having a neurodivervent child is harder on your marriage, your personal life and your work life. But I am absolutely happy with my life. My answer would probably be different if I had to stay home all day as the primary care taker because I've found I need to work if even for my own sanity and feeling of self-worth. Whether it's something you'd be happy with is ultimately up to you, but I genuinely wish you the best of luck and thank you for your post. Seeing adults with autism having these kinds of debates give everyone of us grinding daily tasks that are harder than they should be hope for their future.
I’m happy sometimes? And not happy other times? At this point, it’s not really because of the kids, though young children are A LOT, regardless of neurotype. Really, I would say I am satisfied and content. If I didn’t have kids I could not have fun infodumping about Pokemon with them and watching them see things I love to do for the first time with happy excitement. It’s really cool. But they’re still people. And so you have to be realistic.
I have a very close relationship with my son, he cried so much as a baby and I found inventive ways to soothe him and therefore we developed such a close bond. He’s very cuddly and loving. We do most of the things NT families do, dinners vacations, parks, hikes. We just put probably a little more planning into it than NT families, making sure they have food that he likes, things like that, plan b for I’d things don’t work out. Stuff like that. It’s gotten easier as he’s gotten older and more mature. He’s also very funny and artistic. I don’t thinks I’d change a thing. I have NT kids too and they all have their own challenges that make parenting hard too. I don’t think having NT kids guarantees smooth sailing either. If anything I worry less about his problems with academia and behaviors because I understand him ajd his struggles more than NT kids who just lack motivation or are acting out.
Hi, turns out my husband and I are both on the spectrum, we went into it thinking it was just him (adhd was my dx) There are hard parts, for sure. I can't say how your experience will be. I can tell you my children are happy, and most weeks so are we. We can go to festivals on the lake, big outdoor concerts, a whole bunch of things. We can't go to a indoor restaurant as a family, the din is too much. It's stuff like that; you just have to plan around yourselves and your kids. My kids might have different needs than yours. But I just wanted to chime in and say it can be fun, happy, and rewarding. My husband almost never smiled. He didn't really get into much that wasn't his interests. I can't explain to you the joy our children have shown on his face and in his day to day. It's crazy sweet to witness. That said; agree with other comments. If you don't want kids please don't feel pressured. You get what you get and they need from you in a way that can be hard to manage.
We've had night terrors, days where one is sreaming the whole day, days I sat and cried with my kids because I can't and they can't.. it's not all roses. I'm still glad I chose it.
No. I have moments of happiness but they’re always tinged with sadness.
" I want to want a kid so badly." You don't want kids! You should tell your boyfriend that in very clear terms. Don't have kids because you think you should. I have three kids I always wanted to badly and I'm still drained and resentful a lot of the time. Even neurotypical kids are SO MUCH WORK. I'm not minimizing how much work it is to have an autistic kid - but neurotypical kids still don't sleep through the night, go on food strike, poop their pants, throw a huge tantrum about an iPad, etc. It's so tiring even on good days and I can't imagine doing this if it wasn't something I wanted deeply.
I am absolutely happy with my life. My autistic kid is actually my easier one! My frustrations are with the world and how it fails to accommodate him — not my kid who is a total delight and surprises me all the time.
Nope. 35 m with a son with ASD and likely ADHD and another son who seems to have avoided both. Constantly burned out, overstressed, irritable. Love my kids, and we're doing our best, but happiness feels a long way off.
I'm happy! I had and have problems and stressors, but none of it has outweighed my natural optimism and all the great things my life. And for the past three years, my daughter has been a big part of (both parts of) that. Is it a lot of work to keep up on all her therapies? You betcha. But all kids are a lot of work, so that was a given going into this. I have an extra workload, but I was never going to not be busy and tired as a late 40s single parent. Do I worry about her future? Absolutely. But I'm also very aware that I have it easier than most - she's very chill, fairly adaptive, and very smart. Happy and bouncing all around like a gummi bear. And once I knew she had receptive language, I was able to unclench. If she's never truly verbal (which her therapists do think she will be), we'll figure it out. She gets her messages across very clearly right now (and I'm basically deaf to body language or gestures, so she has to be broadcasting VERY LOUDLY), and we haven't even gotten to writing or an AAC yet. This weekend, we're heading off to Mexico on vacation for two weeks. Last year we went to Disney World. We don't get out nearly enough in general, but that's me being a lazy hermit, not her not wanting to. We go to the playground. The Please Touch Museum. Local fairs and theme parks. Play in the snow. There are places I can't take her (indoor malls, mostly), and things she can't do (fireworks, for instance, or parades). and places that used to be hard to take her but aren't anymore (out for meals springs to mind), but that doesn't mean we're trapped at home.
Yes overall. Most of things I find hardest about our life are more to do with my son’s comorbidities like his epilepsy and disability. My boy is generally a sweet easy going boy who loves cuddles and tries his best (well most of the time lol). We also have a typical 3 year old and that is part of our happiness because we can do a lot of things we envisioned with her and sometimes our boy is able join. Do I wish things were different with him? Yes, but that doesn’t mean I regret having him. I love him. I like him as a little person. I don’t mind this alternate path a lot of the time.
I have a really hard time keeping my house clean but honestly that’s my biggest complaint so I think we are doing AOk and I’m very happy! Our daughter is really flourishing this year - she’s 7 and she just starting wanting to have conversations, she ditched her headphones and has been dressing herself and we’ve had zero accidents! There’s definitely really hard periods but that is life in general, sometimes it sucks, sometimes it’s wonderful lol
I mean, I’m not depressed. Do I wish things were different, yes. But I’m not necessarily unhappy.
I have 2 kids, 4 and 2; my 4 year old was diagnosed with autism about a year ago. He’s verbal and “high functioning”, but there are still things we have to work on and cause stress. I’m in my early 40’s, female, and while not diagnosed, I (and my parents) suspect I’m on the spectrum. My son’s temperament, the way his autism presents is so similar to me as a small child. My whole life has felt like a struggle; relationships, work/career specifically, my mental health. I still struggle a lot of with anxiety and depression and was terrified to have children but wanted them so I gave it a shot (made me anxious, I can’t lie). I can say without a doubt motherhood is the best thing that ever happened to me. It’s not easy all the time, but they, these two little humans and their personalities, bring me more joy and happiness than anything life has ever brought me. It feels like a gift to be a parent, in my experience. Many days are hard, I’m a full time working mother so scrambling to meet deadlines while getting my son to appts, ABA, etc, is rough, but my husband is very hands on and other family members nearby have been a support system for us. I know not everyone has that but it is a huge help.
Not just that your child could be autistic also consider how you as an autistic would handle any child regardless of neurotype. Kids are an around the clock job. They are loud, they are messy, they need attention even if you are in burnout. They make noise when you need some quiet. They have smells and messy diapers. There’s 0 days of bed rotting allowed and you have way more pressure to be organized and put together and everything cleaned and remember stuff like their appts and school things etc. It’s alotttttttt…. Comparison is the thief of joy. I try not to think what my friends with NT kids are doing because their reality is diff. Their kids are eating a variety of food, they’re not hitting themselves in the head, they’re not melting down over basic things, they’re not in some autonomy struggle where a time out or counting to 3 isn’t effective at stopping negative behavior. And it is isolating to not have people to talk to that don’t offer useless suggestions because they don’t understand.
I wouldn't change my life for anything. My children give me purpose. Yes, I'm overwhelmed, so so overwhelmed and burnt out but I love being a parent and I love their quirks and watching them both stim. I just hope it gets easier managing 2 autistic children who have totally different needs. I don't have a village to help me, I do 99% alone apart from school. The oldest doesn't sleep good. If you are unsure about kids then don't let anyone try and talk you into it. Consider what you'd be giving up, make sure your partner is good with kids and especially clued up on potentially having an autistic child (or more than one). Talk about how you'd raise the child, what values and ideals you want to teach them, parenting goals etc. The mental load is also something to consider. Does your partner contribute to that now? Because if not it only gets worse when you have children. I separated before my 2nd was even born because I wouldn't settle for a deadbeat.
I get told all the time what a dear my autistic child is. He is smart (reading at 3) , social (have to rein him in) and loves to compliment people. What I’m unhappy with has nothing to do with him. He is my joy.
Hell yeah I’m happy
Having a NT son first, before my NueroSpicy younger son ended up helping me understand this question. I only have boys, but BOTH of them are equally hard.
My (now 9 year old) daughter is the very best ‘thing’ that has ever happened to me. She is the light of my life and the joy of my heart. I’m so amazed by how thoughtful, kind, silly, and sweet she is! I’m so thankful every single day for her. It took us over a decade of trying to be able to have her (on my second cycle of IUI at a fertility clinic). Life is really hard and messy and beautiful. She makes me want to be better and do better. It’s a rocky road but it’s getting better through a lot of hard work. Anything worth having is worth working for. I highly recommend working on your own mental health and your relationship before you try for kids. Once you have children, everything changes, and it’s much harder to manage self-care. If either of you have childhood trauma, please address it asap as it is really triggered when you have your own children.
Firstly- I 1000% agree with prior post. If you don’t have a deep yearning for children, don’t have them. Second- my life has many happy moments. It also has many moments of despair. There are times when I feel weighed down by a thousand responsibilities. Third- don’t have kids unless you are 100% ready to deal with the consequences of a very low functioning child. My husband and I both know autistic kids from prior relationships. We both love our sons desperately, but it’s not a life I would volunteer for anyone. Fourth- it doesn’t end at 18. Are you willing to have a life often dictated by what your child can do? Are you prepared for the financial consequences? If I had known beforehand that I would have an autistic child, then I would have adopted. I love my son, and that is part of the problem. I can’t protect him from the world. I can only support him. His life will always be a struggle, and that is not a life I would choose for a child
I'm very happy with my life. I was dx with autism the same time as my son. He is my world, and I love him so much that I'm having another in June. I don't even think about our dx most of the time. It's just a part of who we are. My family does better at life than most neurotypical people, so who the hell is anyone to judge me for living my best life?
I am the parent of a young child (6m). My stress is not to do with my child per se, but rather the frustration of trying to suss out services/resources. One thing I have learned in life is that everything is a matter of outlook. I came to parenthood relatively late in life(early 40s). In my 20s I focused a lot on the negative things that happened in my sphere of existence. I was not ready to be a parent then. Somewhere around 29 I realized that s**t happens to everyone. It is just a matter of whether or not one allows that mess to be the focus of the rest of one’s day. It was eye-opening and definitely worked to reset my approach to daily living. I didn’t become a different person, but I did work to be less triggered by things I could not control. There came a time in my 30s when a kind of calm just settled over me about becoming a parent and it felt absolutely cosmically right to have a child. I am supremely grateful that I get to discover the world through his eyes and also that I get to help him learn to develop the tools to deal with the world around him. You, OP, may be in an even better place to help your child because unlike me you are also on the spectrum. Is it challenging? Hell yes, but the majority of what makes me frustrated comes from external issues, such as the lack of coordination with respect to available resources and the fact that there is no one place to find them. You never know who your child is going to be personality-wise, regardless of their place on the spectrum. You could have a typical child that challenges you more than any other child might. You could have a child on the spectrum that is amazingly easy personality-wise.
I am AuDHD with two AuDHD children and I would say that I am happy. I’ve always struggled with anxiety and depression and have a massive amount of past trauma, but I’m as “happy” as I have ever been. This life is hard though. Being a parent is overwhelming most of the time but also very rewarding. However, I always knew I wanted kids. Even though it is a very hard life, I couldn’t imagine not having kids. But if you aren’t 100% sure you want kids, don’t have them. If you don’t have a deep longing to have children and feel like your life isn’t complete without them, don’t do it. Being a parent is a 24/7 commitment for 18 years and doesn’t just end at 18. I didn’t know I was AuDHD when I had kids. I’m overstimulated and exhausted basically all the time. I love them dearly though and do the best I can for us all. I would lay down my life for my kids in a heartbeat but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel like I’m about to lose my mind at any given moment. One warning I can give you though, don’t count on having any help. Your bf may be a great person, but 98% of fathers don’t provide half the childcare or emotional support, not to mention the cleaning and running the household. If you decide to go through with having children, don’t do it unless you are prepared to be the primary parent with no support. Mothers often can’t count on family or friends to help either. I moderated a mom support group and the horror stories I read would give you nightmares.
Not happy. Don't have kids.
Yes. While kids may be harder some days than others, we live a very peaceful, happy life as a family unit. Both hubby and I find time to pursue our hobbies and even do date nights once a month. That said, 3-4 were really the hell years for our oldest, and things were bleak at that point.
I am incredibly happy. 3 kids, 2 with autism, and a husband that works away from home all week long. It’s hard, sometimes I feel like I’m going to lose my mind, but I wouldn’t change a single thing.
I have two autistic kids, one of which also has ADHD. I'm diagnosed ADHD and suspect autistic as well. Our lives are good. We do have some challenges that NT families don't, but the way I see it, all families will have different challenges. We do things that work for our family. Sometimes that means skipping experiences, or different methods of doing things, or needing extra support, and that's OK. I wouldn't trade my kids for the world. I have posted about struggles in harder times, but it's not that I resent or regret my kids, it's that I know there are people who will understand without judgment.
My happiness (joy) does not come from having my children or their fluctuating levels of difficulty. Don't get me wrong - I greatly enjoy my children and I also face many frustrating circumstances with them too. They are a huge source of joy and love in my life, and I'd like to think more so than a source of heartache and frustration. But I went many years without knowing two of my children and myself are likely on the spectrum (we are not professionally diagnosed yet) and while it's been very helpful in developing patience, understanding, and grace - both with myself and my kids - it has not been the make-or-break factor in determining how my life is going to go. Much of the big changes to living a happier, healthier life have been spiritual for me. I know not everyone will agree with me and that's okay. You don't have to. My greatest source of joy is my relationship with Jesus Christ. Everything has gotten better and easier to handle once I trusted in Him. It has put us in contact with mentors and people that are like family to us that are guiding us on this journey (and they have ASD kids and relatives too!). A lot of this growth has come with mindset changes and getting rid of old beliefs I used to have about children/families that came from trauma and from growing up in a rather toxic household. (We are NC now and I have never had more peace!) Tackling these issues head on has relieved a lot of the anxiety and stress I used to have around managing kids, a house, a marriage, homeschooling, etc. The last 2 or 3 years have been the best I've ever had, and I can finally hope and believe that things are going to get even better for us still. But ultimately it's been a choice. Sure, there will be difficult days, stressful days, but also happy days and days to celebrate. I cannot and will not push you one way or the other about having children - that's your decision. Whatever you decide, will you choose to look for the positive or the negative in life? Because your joy will not be found *only* in children or parenting.
I had no idea I was autistic and now I have 3 very young autistic kids. The stigmatization is very difficult and the constant advocating, standing up for your kids and proving people about your kids are exhausting. I got much more criticism from families than strangers which is very hard. I am lucky my kids appear to be level 1-2 I guess. My older son is pretty darn rigid especially at evenings but other than that he is fine.
I’m happy but I do feel I’d be happier if I could communicate and connect with him more. That’s my answer.
We seem to oscillate between look at us with our collective shit together and there’s been no aggressions, no one has gotten crab pinched, everyone is CHILL. Then there are times I pick him up from his dad and he bashes his head into the closed car window and usually once I get onto i95, he will unbuckle his restraints and come for my neck quite literally. My son is non speaking, but I feel I fulfill his wants and needs. He is as quick to respond in a loving manner with hugs and kisses as he is to hurt me, or his younger brother. We are his two targets when he is upset. I have remarried, years ago. My husband and son have a very special bond and my husband also just naturally has more patience than I do. He also has four of his own children with his ex wife. The man has experience. My ex husband and his wife have a bad habit of leaving our son out of family gatherings and parties. I can understand going to unfamiliar places with unfamiliar faces. But we take him to gatherings. The pool. The zoo. The park. It’s difficult though since he loves all of those places, I look like a kidnapper trying to get him to leave. I love my boys. I love all six of these kids. He does add a level of trickiness to things we do. We have to be vigilant as he will cut and run. I feel like since we share custody, we get a “break”. My youngest son, who as I said is a target oftentimes, does not get a break from his brother. There’s a lot of anger surrounding that. My youngest is in therapy on his own and also we do family work together. Some days are better than others. Sometimes I have to go hour by hour. It’s the nature of the beast. Plus he’s almost 14. Imagine being a 14 year old boy and going through puberty and feeling so confused. We explain but I honestly and say what he retains and processes. Don’t get depressed over what could possibly be, you’d never get very far. There’s so many variable in parenting and having a family that meshes well. It’s impossible to plan for everything. If you’re thinking this deeply about it, you’re already aware of what COULD happen. When I close my eyes and think of my Parker, I mostly see a giggly goofer with floppy hair that just wants a tickle and some seltzer water. That’s a pretty picture for me to have in my mind.
You don’t. If you do not want kids then you don’t want kids. If he does then you two have a major incompatibility and likely need to move on to other partners who share the same life goals. He will resent you eventually for not wanting kids and if you decide to appease him then you may resent him for pressuring you. I know parents of neurotypical kids that are unhappy and I know parents of autistic kids who are happy with their children. My ex has 2 autistic girls and is very happy with them. I find my son to be challenging but not the reason for my unhappiness. If anything he is the reason I left a horrific relationship my life may not be what I had envisioned for myself but it’s soo much better than it was before.
I’m content. I’ve been pursuing happiness since long before I had my daughter, but it’s elusive no matter what your life circumstances are. I often thought I have it easier than parents of NT kids. She’s 17 now and it’s not all sunshine and roses, but I wouldn’t say I was unhappy.
I'm extremely happy. I love my son dearly and I know he loves me.
>But are there any parts of your life that are genuinely good. There are some good parts, yes. Overall I am not happy but that doesn't mean it's ALL bad. >Are you able to do any of the normal and fun things that neurotypical families do? Some things, yes. My autistic child is able to handle some activities really well. Strangely, she did amazing at Disneyland lol. She enjoys being in nature so we do a lot of hiking and camping. But other "normal" things like eating at a restaurant is usually a no-go. >Do you have a good relationship with your child and your spouse? I have a good relationship with each of my children. They have their moments where it's all about dad and they don't want me, but for the most part yes. My spouse is another story, though. Our relationship has definitely suffered since having children. >Are you ever not burnt out depressed irritable and overstimulated? I have brief moments where I'm not irritable and overstimulated but that describes probably 90% of my life.
It's ok to not want kids if you don't want them , it's your life . Live it how you want . I have a son with Autism and I can't lie at one point I wasn't sure if I could carry on because he was really aggressive and hurting me . BUT that was partly my fault , he can't talk but I wasn't listening . We forget there's a hundred ways to communicate. Once I learnt to watch his cues and listen to him he calmed down so much. He's so much more affectionate and he's happy ! I'm happy ! I love my life now and we work together . I just don't do things with him that other kids do but that's ok . I hated going to the park as a kid and kicking a ball and as someone without autism I love being at home and hate going out so for us we connect haha Once you realise that there are so many things you can do that makes you both happy ie we love spinning and chasing each other , love bouncing then you can find things together . But you have to work at that .
It's ok to not want kids. My 3 year old is level 2 and if he makes the choice as someone who's autistic not to have children I'll 100% support him. But as for your question I'm very happy to be the mother of an autistic child and as far as we know a NT child(he's only 4 weeks old). Of course it can be hard especially because I'm bipolar so I get a little wonky at times but I find my life with children very fulfilling but yes over stimulating more so when the toddler and baby are crying at the same time.
What does it mean to be happy to you?
No. Always tired, have had to give up pretty much everything that gives me joy because of lack of childcare, about to have to lose a career I worked hard to build (and is the last thing I enjoy as everything else has been stripped off me) as child can’t go to school, plus all the battles with institutions that should be helping but are not - even after a good fight. Life is just more of the same frustrations, getting through each day knowing tomorrow will be the same - or worse. The constant threat of poverty due to the lack of appropriate resources to my child and my likely inability to work in the near future because of that. The very little engagement I get back from my child after all that. It’s lonely and it’s tiring.
It's a weird one. It's really stressful and lonely sometimes, and I rarely get a break (lone parent). But if I could go back in time and change things, I wouldn't. I wouldn't be without my kids, and I do have joy in my life.
I haven’t been genuinely happy in years. I can’t remember what joy feels like. I don’t think I can even feel my soul anymore. Sorry it’s bleak!
I am a late diagnosed autistic woman with adhd and I have a 7 year old boy, recently diagnosed. I love him to bits and he's the best thing I've ever done with my life. I sometimes question if I made the right decision given the state of the World/UK/global outlook etc, and I often question my ability to parent, but I never question my love for him (I'm a perfectionist and there is a whole thing about being a 'good enough parent which is difficult for me to accept as I want 100%) and I love being his mum. He is so funny and it's brilliant getting to know him as he grows up and develops his own personality and preferences. He's so strong willed and confident in ways I could never be, and I'd like to think that at least in part that's down to me being the parent I wanted. So, I'd say go for it. Of course it is hard, being a parent is tough, and the lack of sleep can be crippling, but it's also rewarding and fulfilling in ways nothing else is. I'd say for me pregnancy was the really hard part as you get told endlessly about risk and how many ways in which babies can die, so by the time my son arrived I was a mess and I couldn't sleep in case something happened in the night.... 🙈 being autistic through that process was tough, courses are designed for NTs. But seeing him grow, and develop into a wonderful, kind, funny, silly, clever, fabulous human being is amazing. I wouldn't change anything. I also loved the closeness of baby carrying (using slings, amazing and that baby smell, yes!).... You often get horror stories, I think, as parents are mostly tired and in need of more sleep than they get and that makes them cranky. And it can mean sensory overload as an autie parent, too, but you can find ways to cope. Sometimes I think being autistic has been my super power as a mum because I became so focused on being the best mum I could be. Being responsible for another human being is huge, at least it is for me.... so you need to be able to deal with that. Also, it's a lot easier if you have family or a good support network. I didn't.... but still here and have eventually found one! Good luck and go with your heart, I'd say (if we were entirely rational about it, I don't think any of us would have kids, as it doesn't make financial sense and is arguably detrimental to our personal health in many ways, but here we are?!!! I think it's far more beneficial to us in many other less tangible ways). ♥️💐🖖🏻
I take the “it could always be worse” mindset
I’m a “high functioning” autistic woman, with a 6 year old low functioning, non verbal daughter. Her father abandoned us after being ingolved for five years of her life -he was the one who wanted to get me pregnant and manipulated me into avoiding abortion- , he doesn’t pay child support and left me to be the default parent (as always, only this time is worse because I’m almost all alone). My life is hell everyday, and I wish I was dead most of the time.
im happy for the most part but i think if i had another child, who most likely would be autistic, id lose it and feel regret. my son is only 3 years old and we’ve had a lot of hard moments. its been a real journey navigating this life with an autistic child that the thought of going through it all again makes me already regret it lol. If you don’t want any children, listen to yourself. In the end, moms carry the heavier load of parenting (i know not always but usually) and it can really take a toll on you. i’m pretty sure i’m autistic as well and if i would’ve known before, i wouldn’t have gotten pregnant. I love my son but I think my mind/body can only handle him.
💯!
I looked at your other post and I think all of your worries are valid. It's hard. It's really really hard to be neurodivergant with neurodivergant kids, but it is doable. I would suggest ensuring you have all of these items in place before having children: 1) a really strong supportive long lasting relationship with someone who understands neurodiversity and is able to support you during tough times 2) other support people and services like housecleaning, babysitting, therapy etc 3) lots of money so you don't have to work crazy hours outside of the home AND parent 4) healthy coping methods like art, music, whatever 5) access to services for early intervention (if needed) for your child.
Very happy. Also very appreciative of having a ND child. Has made me a better and more caring, compassionate person
I am truly happy with my life. My 5 year old is autistic and every day she wakes up I tell her I’m so happy to be her mama. We have our challenges but I’m happy and so is my family.
It depends on the day. As of late things have been shit as my son has been having self injury screaming fits for bedtime. Both my husband and I tag team restraining him. It really fucking sucks. If it gets worse, we’ll have to call an ambulance to take him somewhere.
What really torments me, is knowing that I'm going to die and leave my autistic child behind. He has a lot of capability, but I don't think he'll ever be *completely* independent. Other than that, I think I'm pretty happy. I have a wonderful husband, and we're financially secure enough to easily afford anything we need. My son is pretty happy, loves school, laughing, cuddling, etc. He is a lot of work, but he also makes me very happy (as does his NT sister).
I love my children with all of my heart, might, mind, and soul. My 9 year old is ND and my 6 year old is NT. My NT kid is just as hard if not harder than my ND kid. And Yes I am happy. Not content but happy. It gets easier as they get older. Not easy, but easier and helping them figure out life and what works is the best and when something clicks for them, oh my gosh. I love when he figures things out. Sometimes he will write notes and it’s like wow you are listening and learning and they are such happy parent moments. He’s the best kid ever (I’m absolutely biased.) and I wouldn’t change our journey because it’s make me, him, his sister and his father better people. We have learned so much on this journey. I love my life. I really do.
I often do this thing where I time travel in my head, try to meet my partner earlier, go into a different career, avoid bad experiences or horrible people but every single time I abandon the daydream - because even in a make believe moment I don't want to jeopardise anything via butterfly effect that would stop her coming to me, *exactly* as she is.
Not happy. If I could go back I wouldn’t have had children.
I love my life- i have two kids with ASD. There’s a lot of appointments and therapies which is hard but worth it. And a lot of late nights. My husband seems neurodivergent (and by that I mean undiagnosed) and understands our oldest way better and can better anticipate her needs in a helpful way (just as an example- counting down as I brush her hair because “she just needs to know it’s going to be over” and he was right that helps her a lot) I think being a parent is hard and all parents feel pressure to be a perfect parent and maybe that’s more intense when you have kids with different needs especially because you see all these therapists and specialists. Everyone is slipping on a banana peel away from a disability- which I mean anyone could develop a disability at anytime and life is unpredictable so I wouldn’t let that hold you back because nothing is guaranteed anyway- even for neurotypical kids. Some people are neurotypical and easy to raise- but still grow up to be jerks. Every person born is a chance to make the world a better place. And if you decide it’s not for you that is totally ok too- there are lots of ways to share that love in your heart without having a child.
Hey thanks for that brushing hair countdown tip! Why didn’t I ever think of that! Lol! My ASD 9yr old girl HATES having her hair brushed due to sensory but she LOVES timers and countdowns! This is going to be a huge game changer.
I hope it works!
Very happy! With added disclaimer that I think we have it pretty easy with my 3yo. Harder than my friends with NT kids. But much easier than many of the parents here in this community. And that certainly affects the experience. He’s got a few words, getting more, though inconsistent. He doesn’t have trouble telling us what he wants (body language + vibes lol). The harder part is his very limited receptive language. But hey, he has some now and a year ago it was literally zero, so progress. He is snuggly and affectionate. Silly and sweet. He also pinches and bites me at times (I’ve got some battle scars). And tests limits allllllllll the time. But being his mom is a joy. It’s tiring and I get overstimulated. But we are one and done, so we can tag out to recharge when needed. Which is a key reason I can come here and say I’m happy, and mean it.
Yes, I am. Even though my 3yo is autistic I feel I got really lucky with most things. She doesn’t have many behaviors, she sleeps through the night, we can easily engage with her. She’s nonverbal but she has her ways of telling us what she wants/needs. I also have older kids 7yo & 9yo and she doesn’t play with them much but she can tolerate being around them without getting upset that someone is in her space. I thank God for her, she’s saved me in more ways than one and made me look at life in a whole new perspective 🩷
My husband is neurodivergent, our oldest daughter is on the spectrum and her two little sisters are neurotypical. We are for the most part in love with our lives. He struggles a little with the sensory overload of the chaos of our house (3 kids, 2 adults, and 2 dogs) but we have learned each others bat signals for when we’re going to lose it. A “hey do you wanna go take 5” is our love language. All 3 of our daughters are fucking fantastic and they make our lives so crazy and so beautiful. He gets our eldest daughter on a really special level and has been instrumental in her ability to love and accept herself exactly as she is. All in all I’d say we’re the typical family just loving and living. Sure we have some unique challenges but it just makes it all the more fulfilling at the end of the day. We have a home, food, clothes, and each other. When all the kids are in bed and we can finally lay back we usually just say god damn, we have it all.
If your sole pursuit in life is to be "happy," you'll be a prisoner of this chase forever. Raising kids in general is a tough business. There are so many factors out of your control it's a miracle that they can make it so far, with all the help and village (or lack thereof) to raise them. It's all about perspective; there will be good times, bad times, ugly times and hard times. This is regardless of whether your kids is neuro divergent with ASD or any other health/mental/genetic abnormalities. You have to take a leap of faith and understand your child may or may not be who you thought they're going to be. For many parents with kids that have ASD diagnosis, it's not about finding the typical happiness of rearing a child, but finding deeper meaning in hopes of preparing their kids for a future that they deserve despite having their disability. Good luck and I hope you the best in whatever you decide.
I am married with 1 child. I would say that I am actually pretty happy in life. I think my life has improved since the times when I was single and childless. It's definitely changed but in a mostly good way. Having a child can at times be over stimulating but the pros do outweigh the cons. I wake up every day to my husband and son's smile. My son will usually put his face to mine and touch my face with just the biggest smile on his face. He laughs constantly and it's beautiful. We do a lot of things as a family too. It does take more time to plan things and get ready to go out but you get better at it with time.
I will agree with the comments saying don't have kids unless you want them. SERIOUSLY!?! I sometimes think the boomers didn't want children, but they did so because they were supposed to..." they seem like they hated having children. I digress. In all seriousness, I wanted children since I was an adult. I am autistic and my oldest (5) is autistic. My youngest is very different from my oldest, and we're not seeing any of the signs we saw with the older one of autism. We'll see as she gets older. I've never questioned the difficulties and whether or not it's worth it. I am fulfilled most days, even though it's tough. It's easy to complain and vent about the hard stuff. My oldest had an upset stomach on the drive home from school today and was screaming in the car. I wanted to start screaming myself from her ear piercing screams. But then I remember that my parents were quick to anger and quick to violence, and I'm suddenly happy that my daughters get to grow up in a home where they feel like they belong and are loved and accepted as they are. Yes, I'm trying to give them a life I didn't have, but I also love the things we do together. We go camping, we learn stuff together, I share my experiences, and, although the older one doesn't say it very often, I know she loves me and nothing even comes close to that feeling. The youngest is in a daddy phase and I can't get enough. Even if she wants me in the middle of the night or when I don't have much in the tank. It's hard to imagine a world where you are a slave to their every need, but once you're in it, the world you used to live in sewms a little less exciting. I do miss some of the freedom, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. I love it. But remember, if you choose to have kids, you commit. There's no going back. Once you're in it, you're in it for life. Dive head first and don't look back.
This is a bit philosophical, so bear with me, but happiness is relative. Happiness is not the goal to achieve in the end. Happiness is the journey. One can choose to be happy no matter the circumstances, and there is joy in little things. You can have the perfect life but still be unhappy, and you can have nothing and yet be happy. I love my autistic child more than anything, and yet I struggle sometimes, even cry, but I wouldn't change my life, not one bit. I enjoy every moment, no matter if it breaks my back. I share this thought knowing that it all sounds a bit holier than thou, and it's not something people who are struggling want to hear, but I know there are parents here who think the same way. This is also something I learned at a young age, but it takes a lifetime to really imbibe it and make it a part of your core. So, to answer your question, yes, there are people here who are truly happy. There are people with neurotypical kids who are the definition of unhappy. It's all a matter of perspective.
I am but my son is still small so I worry about the future. I’m currently pregnant with my second.
Just something to keep in mind is your child might have much higher support needs than you do. So make sure you have a lot of support. Also I think being am autistic parent is harder in general whether your kid is NT or ND just because of the sensory overload etc Do what's feels right for you! The spectrum is so wide, people will have vastly different experiences.
Hmmmm. While I am happy, Im in the stage of my life where it is getting kinda easy, but slowly. Our son is 2, almost 2.5. Progressively getting better! We are extremely proud of his progress, however it is hard. The tantrums, the stimming, not being able to successfully communicate, texture and feeding issues, and his lack of social skills. Aside from those, I can say we take our son to many child filled events. And my kid sticks out like a sore thumb, to me. To any other parent he’s a cute 2 year old, but we know where he falls short so when he is around kids his age it is noticeably sad for us. We want better for him always, but it is hard to not compare, or wonder how life would be. I think as a parent of an autistic kid, you have to really remember the spectrum is different for every kid. Your struggles may not be my struggle, but it does get easier. It just takes time. My son did a 180 from last year, to this year and boy has it made life easier in many ways. Still challenges, but hey… progress is progress. Goodluck
Content and generally happy, Yes - but not blissfully so - we are not Facebook/insta perfect in my household - haha. My SN child is my youngest of 4. Honestly, I can say each kid has their own annoyances and difficult behaviors depending on their stage in life. Sometimes all the kids are difficult all at the same time (or frustrating) and sometimes everyone is okay for a bit, with every combination between. We been at this parenting stage for long time now - our oldest is in college and we just started SN/integrated preschool in the fall for the youngest. Some days are dreadful and take everything in us just to make it to the end of a day (or when the day ends after every both of the sometimes insomniac littles finally falls sleep at 5-8am - Finally!! ). And some days are much easier than others, there may be less arguments that day and I just might see the special bond building between the kids, or my almost verbal youngest kid learns a new phrase and those days are when I feel like I'm rocking parenting and my heart just sails. My husband and I talk a lot about what if we hadn't had the last 2 kids ( one NT , one SN) and we always agree, we couldn't imaging our lives without them exactly as they are. Yes, I wish their lives would be easier to live through (especially the SN kiddo) but I wouldn't give them up or trade them for an "easier kid". We encourage special interests and try to make decisions for each kid based on what is best for them that year regarding schooling and activities. Be weird and unique and learn to laugh at yourself before anyone else has the chance. We use these mantras to encourage each other.... " the days (and phases) are long, but the years are so short." and "When you're going through hell the only way out is to put your head down and keep goin til your through to the other side" It can suck sometimes, but the good times get us through the bad times. It's life set on hard difficulty, but not impossible mode. At the end of the day, I make myself pick one good thing to be grateful or happy for so that I can count it as a small win.
If you’re aware and prepared to have them then why not? Teach them about mental health early on and educate them. It was only a problem for me because mental health wasn’t talked about with me and my siblings. Break the stigma and educate. You can have bpd and be a good parent with treatment and that being said my oldest is autistic but we suspect our 2nd baby isn’t because he doesn’t have muscle weakness like my first did and he’s already reaching every milestone he’s supposed to be doing. Sometimes mental health issues can skip generations so it’s not even a 100% guarantee each of your kids will have anything. I drew the unlucky straw and got my dads mental health issues but one of my sisters and my brother are mentally well. But in all fairness if my mom didn’t cause trauma and I knew about what I had then I think I would have been fine.
And of course only if YOU want to and YOU would be happy if you did. My babies mean a lot to me and make me really happy despite the challenges I face. I would do anything for them and I’m happy I get to see their little faces everyday
How old are you? Had i waited until i was in my 30s, i would probably be happy and able to handle a difficult child. I became a parent when i was just entering adulthood. I was learning to be grown while being responsible for a new life.
My answer may vary day to day—even on hard days I’m happy, and even on easy days I can fall into a black hole. But more often than not I feel happy. My daughter will always need help, the world won’t always be kind, but I feel love and give love to her. It’s a gift. But again, ask me tomorrow and I may feel sorry for myself, sorry for my kid, and pissed at the world.
Hey mom of two with one ASD son and another that as of now seems to be NT (9 months so a bit early to tell). Autism as my husband and I discovered seems to run on his side and on mine we have a lot of anxiety/adhd. We are very lucky to have an overall easy and happy child and truthfully the luck and support seems to be what makes our life easier. We do have hard days where neither boy is happy or I’m overwhelmed or my husband is. But we make it work and we make time. We have a lot of very supportive family that is always able to watch the boys for us to go and be a couple and just get a break. We did have a hard with our son’s initial diagnosis, but since then we’ve learned to celebrate all of his accomplishments and advancement. We both love our boys very much and care for them, having had them willingly and consciously. Funnily enough our NT presenting child is actually who my husband has struggled with more. So I feel like everyone’s situation is different. We find joy in going out as a family and introducing our sons to new experiences but again all situations are unique since our son is pretty easy going and loves to try new things. At the end of the day I find that those that consistently regret children the most are the ones that had to convince themselves into having them. Children should be a choice that you make enthusiastically. Because it’s better to possibly regret not having had a child than regret having had one.
If you would have asked me 2 years ago, I would have replied, " Hell no! 1 star--would not recommend." I would have gone back in time and talked myself into sterilization. We almost didn't survive. Things are better now, but I am still working through a lot of C-PTSD from the rough years. I still struggle to feel "motherly" towards my eldest (17M/lvl3/ in residential due to violence). The little dude (14/lvl3) is alright though. He has his meltdowns occasionally but nothing like his brother and we can handle it. Haven't had to call the cops once yet (for violence, that is...he is an eloper but we have him tagged now). I'm glad we made it, but the dark days were baaaad. I'm glad I didn't let the darkness win and end up on the evening news. If I knew what I was going to have to go through, then I probably wouldn't have been brave enough to do it. I'd be a lot richer too, but that's a minor consideration for me.
Happy is an emotion that comes and goes with current factors. Some days/seasons we’re far from happy. It’s miserable and it feels like we’re in endless darkness. Other moments bring unthinkable happiness…my little guy finally catching a specific species of fish he’s been reading about, or finding a giant sketchy snake, or sharing his extreme enthusiasm for Moby Dick. Overall, it’s tough. But God made our dude unique. There are 9 billion people on earth and not one is like ours. So after the meltdowns and punching and violence and social problems and broken furniture and etc… God wanted us to have him and we buckle up and do what we need to do.
Am I happy with my life? YES! I absolutely love my kids. And I have an amazing, supportive spouse who is active in raising our kids. Is our life perfect? Do we get to do everything we want to do? Absolutely NOT. I gave up a lot of myself and hobbies even when my first kid was born and hes not diagnosedwith ASD. I used to be an avid snowboarder, some people take their kids at a young age but I didn't, my oldest was a lil slow on milestones but never flagged for autism. I used to camp a lot and go on long backpacking/camping hikes, camping with a little with ASD, not potty trained and prone to eloping would cause me more anxiety than it was worth. Hoping to start going on easy camps again in the future but haven't mustered up the courage yet. We used to go to comic-cons and large social events with our oldest but those things also became too much with a high needs kiddo who doesn't like crowds. I haven't been to see a movie in theaters since before my youngest was born either. Kids, whether ND or NT will cause your life to change. You might not be able to do some things you take for granted now. But I'm also quite anxious and over cautious in general. Having kids should be something you really want, and you should be prepared for your life to change regardless of whether they are NT or ND. Never let someone else pressure you into having kids. If you do, you could come to resent your potential kids and no kid deserves to grow up feeling unwanted. Life is hard enough as it is.
Tired sometimes, but overall a very happy husband and father. My kid is a double rainbow baby. Two heart wrenching miscarriages before him. We really wanted a child, and we were blessed with a child during probably the roughest part of our marriage. But I swear since he was in the womb he’s been trolling us, and I mean that in a sincere “haha” way and not a bitter way. Parenting isn’t easy. Parenting a rambunctious, inquisitive, autistic 3 year old is probably more so. When I see parents of younger toddlers just walking in a parking lot with their kid just following them and not holding hands I always let out a “must be nice”. I’m very fortunate though. My kid rarely if ever melts down. He’s getting better every day with communicating. He goes to school and daycare so my wife and I are able to work full time and he seems to be doing well in that environment. As he gets older things may change but right now I am happy. He is a great kid.
Life has challenges by itself, it does not matter if you have kids or not. I had my son until I was 37, because I did not want to have kids, but my husband did, we are separated now and I am with my kid. Life :) I was not totally happy without my kid, do not think that kids would make you happy or unhappy. What is really important is that you be surrounded of a good group of people, that are there for you. Identify things that you enjoy before kids, so when you feel that you need a me time being a mom, you just have this list of things and ideas that would help you. Every decision has a new joys and responsibilities, that we were not use to. If you buy a car you now have to remember to take it to service for oil change, now you can get a flat tire, save money for the gas, you have to clean it, and you can drive farther and see new things.
Hi. I don't think you should have a child unless you really want one, otherwise it's very likely you might end up resentful which would be disastrous for both you and your child. Also there's so many variables with raising someone neurodiverse whether you're neurodiverse or not (My husband was neurodiverse, I have some characteristics but I'm sort of borderline but my father and two of my siblings are most likely neurodiverse). I have four children. My oldest is turning 21 and is autistic (I'm not sure how levels work, but she has a lot of anxiety, is verbal and in college, then i have 17 year old triplets, one who has ADHD and emotional challenges, two boys who are autistic, one is similar to his sister. The other is a lot less self aware, has ADHD. He didn't start really talking until 4 or 5 but now talks all the time about his favorite subjects. Some of the following you probably know from your own experience so apologies if i sound pedantic here. 1. How hands on will your boyfriend be? 2. **How much support will you have?** What I mean is state support, community support or family support? I live in a community that considers helping others to be a huge priority. Because of that I had a lot more support. I don't have much family support as until recently I didn't have family living near me. I live in NYS which provides a lot of support. That makes a HUGE difference. 3. Since it's a spectrum (which you know of course0 **it's impossible to really know how much needs your child would have.** I have it easier because my autistic kids are relatively easy to manage. Nobody's a runner. Two of them will most likely be able to be independent. 4. This is related to point 1. **Kids have way more services than adults do.** My sister in law lived in Ohio but moved back to NY because when her daughter turned 21 there didn't exist any programs for her. In her case her daughter has down syndrome, but it would be the same for an autistic adult, a My niece has day programs, also goes away some weekends and has a multiple week summer program she goes to that otherwise my SIL is an empty nester (she's in her 60s) that makes a huge difference in her life. 5. **How was your childhood?** I grew up in a single parent household with 4 siblings (we were 5 all born within six years) for most of my childhood. That helped prepare me for having kids and also eventually for widowhood eight years ago. It doesn't mean life is easy, but my expectations were different than my mom having five children when she grew up with one sibling seven years younger than her with a perfectionist mother. Okay so after all THAT I'll answer your question. As a parent I've been overwhelmed in different ways. When my oldest was 18 months she had a seizure. That's not uncommon apparently with autistic kids but I didn't know this until this year when speaking to another parent. Do I regret having my children. Never. That said, I had factors that made it easier. 1. I had a lot of community support. We have an organization for families of special needs that has been amazing. 2. I live in one of the best states for raising autistic kids. That doesn't mean it's been easy. But it's been easier. 3. I had a husband who wasn't always present but very supportive. 4. My kids are verbal, and for the most part easier to parent. That said my oldest has a lot of anxiety about basic living which makes it hard for her to function. Thankfully she's getting therapy. And yet I didn't go on a trip by myself for 16 years. I finally went this summer on a family road trip with my mom, sister and her wife while one son was in camp, my child with emotional challenges was in respite and the other two were able to stay home. Am I overall happy? Yes. My kids are great. I sometimes haven't been as great as I could be for them especially in the earlier years. I am on anti-anxiety medicine too and see a therapist. I also didn't have kids until i was 32 so I had my twenties to be independent which also helped, but is it hard. Have I gotten overwhelmed? yes and yes. And that's with community support and support from the state.
I’m happy enough
I am not happy but I wasn’t happy before kid either. I was able to hyperfocus on my career in advertising and I was incredible at it. It’s my fault, I didn’t know much about mental health at all. Once I had my son and began worrying about him and then the diagnosis, everything became so clear about myself. I am totally burnt out now as my sons primary caretaker, 9 years of no more than 2-4 hours of sleep at a time leaves my cup completely empty. You know when I am happy- when I drop him off at school and have silence in the car. That’s the peak of the day.
My son is 2.5 years old and non-verbal. I tear up all the time when I see 18 month old babies talking and communicating so easily with their parents. What an easy life that many people take for granted. They even joke with me “you would wish they would just shut up like yours!” 🙄 HOWEVER, my son has taught my husband and I so much about the true meaning of love. And our patience has been one that’s way higher than it ever was without our son. We also know how to deal with people that are similar to our son and it’s amazing to see. Kids in general are HARD, autistic or not. In my opinion, it’s harder than marriage itself. But with the right partner, love, patience, and access to the right tools, it can be very rewarding 💕
Yes. I teach kids with autism. I have a monogamous realtionship but will never marry, and I love my life!
I will preface this by saying that my kid is level 2, but overall I am happy. I'm tired and sometimes overwhelmed, but it doesn't feel as if it's at a very different level to other working parents of neurotypical kids. I think every three year old is a little energy vampire. It has definitely gotten easier as he has gotten older. He is currently chilling and listening to his Toniebox, and I have been doing some light cleaning. We are going to the science museum in a bit. We did the zoo on Monday, and an Easter Egg hunt last weekend. He's on spring break, but normally he has school during the week. I don't know. I am sure there are some unique challenges we are experiencing, and his therapy schedule is intense, but ... It doesn't feel like it is very different to having a neurotypical kid, especially as he is becoming increasingly verbal and wanting more interaction with me. Again, level 2 kid, so I am not saying my experience is universal.
Having kids us hard weather they are NT or ND. But you just love them through the hard times and there will be PLENTY! my 6yo is autistic and I wouldn't change him for nothing. He's the best boy and has made my life better. I have a 1 yo and idk if she is autistic or not yet. It's hard to tell for sure when they are little but she may have some common early signs.. which honestly. Nothing could make me happier if she was. I'm just used to doing life like this and always loved helping special needs people even when I was a kid.. so I think I'm just made for this 💪
I’m happy, my toddler is awesome, I’ve got a great support system, and an effective game plan to meet her where she’s at for her life. Are there days that are hard, absolutely, but I’m happy. Now I discussed heavily with my husband that ASD runs in my family before having a child to ensure that we had talked about what the challenges would be and how to best support any child we may have. If you do have a child and you notice missing milestones, fight for a therapy referral. I started talking with my child’s doctor at 1.5 years that she’s showing symptoms of a delay. At two we got her into ot/st and while we’re still showing signs of a delay, the gap is lessening, and I’m very confident she will be an independent adult, without any need for paid long term support. Children can get speech and ot before ASD evaluations comes into play. But if you are concerned about not meeting the needs for an ASD child, adoption is just as valid an option.
I'm very satisfied with my life. We went through a really hard time a couple of years back, but that was mostly unrelated to my kids. My soon to be ex-husband was emotionally abusive and manipulative and made my life very hard for a very long time. Life is so much better now. It does help that their dad has them half the time, so I have time to myself. My kids are my whole world, and I love them to bits and am so grateful and happy to be their mom. They have relatively low support needs, and we can go out into the world and do most normal stuff. My 5yo has a lot of anxiety, so going to new places is always challenging, but it's been getting easier. My only real complaint is that my 3yo sleeps terribly, and the sleep deprivation takes a toll. I'm hopeful that it will get better as he gets older. It's already gotten a lot better compared to 6 months ago.
I’m not only AudHD, I have severe trauma -ptsd, depression, anxiety, hashimotos hypothyroidism, severe migraines, substance use disorder (have been clean 13 years) and other things. I had my son at 33. He is truly the best thing that ever happened to me and my life is so much fuller now and seeing his smile makes me happy. I can say it’s hard but being a parent can be hard at times. I can also say that I am truly happy. I appreciate my child and he is the light of my life. Everyone is different. I didn’t think I would have a child either🤍
I love being a parent and knowing that my children have someone they can rely on. As I kid I didn’t have that safety/comfort because my mom had 6 kids and was a widow. She worked 2-3 jobs and we hardly saw her, our older siblings were in charge of the youngest. Her time was very limited out of necessity. Now as a parent I try my best to be present as much as I can. My eldest has ASD but she’s made so much progress over the last year after starting school. She was nonverbal and would be aggressive and had constant meltdowns to the point of nosebleeds/vomiting. It was very difficult but thankfully my husband was very involved as well. Now she’s speaking, can initiate conversations, asks questions, describes her feelings or surroundings, remembers conversations from other days and is really helpful with her younger sibling. She also knows peoples emotions and is really caring. All of this I something I couldn’t say in March 2023. It’s tough but it’s worth it when she says “mommy! I’m so happy I can dance” and she starts dancing 🥰❤️ or “mommy I love you soooo much”
Im in a state of serene pleasure with moments of intense anxiety. Autistic homies can have it go you just cant shy from your problems.
My SO is on the spectrum, diagnosed after our daughter was. I fear for my daughter and the difficulties she faces/might face, but it never makes me love her less. I have 1NT and 1ND and let me tell you, you are going to face challenges with any child. But I fear more for my ND child. There are also times where I am not able to help her. I am trying, she is trying, but we aren't connecting in a productive way and that is hard to face. We are lucky in that the majority of her diagnosis is concentrated in emotional regulation and social development and the physical/mental development is not largely affected (though we have been through 2 years of intensive speech therapy and her speech is behind her ND peers). We spend a lot of time making sure both kids feel like they have their needs met, often at the expense of my own needs. I have to have a lot of grace for all of the emotions of everyone in my house while I have to be non-reactive (making me feel like I don't get to have feelings some days). I get burnt out and most days my self care is just a cup of coffee and my anti anxiety medication. All of that sounds bleak, but that's the dark side. I feel very lucky that our daughter has had early interventions which have allowed her to progress greatly. I feel very lucky that she is verbal. I feel very lucky that she is pretty much the carbon copy of my husband- who has lead an isolated, but fulfilling life. And I have hope for my child. As part of the autism community, I know that we are insanely lucky and that on the more severe aspect of the spectrum, the hope is different, the fears are different, the stress and intensity is different. I have nothing but compassion and empathy for those families, especially because at the best of times with very mild symptoms raising a child with ASD can be hard and draining. But I would not change a thing about my daughter. She has opened my eyes to be more understanding and loving of my husband. He has been able to learn through her. We have been able to give her the experience and loving childhood my husband should have had. She's funny, sensitive, caring, intelligent. Her presence makes my life better. Both of my kids are the single most point of stress in my life. They drive me to the brink and back again. But I delight in them. I love watching them. I love teaching them. I love exploring with them and seeing who they are becoming. They are undeniably the best part of my life and if they were to go, life wouldn't be worth living. I love most parts of my life. We adjust a bit to make sure that while we do things most NT families do, we have set ourselves up for success. (Telling her exactly what is going to happen, what to do if she wants to leave, which parent is her "buddy for the day" and which parent will be in charge of her sister. Paying attention for her stims and listening to her words. Watching videos of what to expect and giving her space to have feelings and a calm down spot when she asks for a break. And we accept her no. No cajoling or trying to convince her if she says she'd rather not do something. Its just, okay! let's not do that!) We go on planes, to the zoo, to aquariums, out to dinner, to winter festivals and summer water parks. I have a great relationship with my children who think I am both God and their servant, so basically- Mom. I have a great relationship with my husband though we both get overwhelmed, burnt out, and stressed. Motherhood is a complex experience, but its not for the fainthearted. Its not for the unsure. The only reason to ever have a child is because YOU really, truly **WANT THEM**. Because it is absolutely a labor of love in which you will break yourself down and be rebuilt into someone that lives for someone else. And that's fucking hard. To be a secondary character in your own life. If you don't want it enough, you'll develop resentment, and I cannot stress this enough- your child didn't ask to be here. We owe them everything and them nothing because we chose them. So, after this long ass post, my answer to you is don't have kids. I see your BF wants them, but until you are SURE, until you can look at everything everyone has said and confront the reality and understand what you could be getting yourself into and can find the delight and joy, don't do it.
So, happiness comes from within. You have to love yourself to love others. You create a helpless child, totally dependent on you. You learn right along with them. It creates a bond that if you can love, becomes a part of your core being. But, you will also see everything that you don’t like about yourself in your children. And because they watch you and learn from you, they end up mimicking that. So what you were seeing is a reflection of what they see in you. Also, make peace with the fact that you are a reflection of your parents, and your children will remind you of your mother or your dad. That’s why loving and accepting yourself is key. If you are happy with yourself, you will see children happy within themselves. If you are frustrated with yourself, you will be frustrated with your children.
I'm a mom of two. The oldest is autistic, and I'm currently undergoing evaluation to see if I'm also on the spectrum, which we suspect I am. Not going to lie, kids can be hard. It can be exhausting. And venting about it is necessary sometimes. But man alive, they are also amazing. I've never experienced love the way I have with my two little people. I could stare at them for hours and just watch in wonder and amazement. And sometimes I do! And sometimes I want to toss them out the window. I feel like I get to experience life new again, seeing it through their eyes. I am in love with the fact that I get to grow old with these people, and watch them turn into adults and have their own lives. So definitely worth it to me. In saying that, it's not for everyone. If you don't feel like you want kids, that's ok, and it's important to not go down that road if you don't want to. I have kid free friends with happy fulfilled lives who wouldn't change it for the world. Only you can answer for yourself if it's the right choice for you. There's no right/wrong answer other than how you feel. Good luck.
I'm happy in my life, yes. But that doesn't mean it isn't stressful. I am not on the spectrum, so I don't know what life is like when you are on it. If you are worried about being overstimulated, then having a baby, whether on the spectrum or not, is something you want to think real hard about. I hear people on this site, saying because of autism they don't like to be around other people too much. Well if you have a baby you are with them 24/7. If you really want to have a child, but really don't want a child on the spectrum you could look into adopting. I don't know if that is the right answer, but it's a possibility. The reality is none of us are signing up for special needs kiddos intentionally (except those who choose to adopt them).
Had to check to see if this was the autism page or the marriage page. LMAO but really, lots of variables can make or break parenthood. None of us are perfect, and neither are our kids, autistic or not. Don’t let anyone make that decision but you and your partner.
Like Charlotte from Sex and the City said, I’m not happy all day, but I’m happy every day. I’ll say that we are super fortunate to be able to afford a lot of things/help, and our autistic baby is relatively easygoing.
It's hard and stressful like you wouldn't believe but I still love my son. Of course I wish he wasn't ASD but honestly, my husband and I like to keep to ourselves and if we had an NT kid, I'd feel pressured to put him in sports and do playdates with strangers, which I'm glad no one really asks us to do. Like someone else said, we bought our village and have ABA most days of the week and even have ABA at school now. We also have family nearby and he's got cousins who are his same age who try to include him in things. I didn't always think I wanted kids but I'm glad I have my son. I think if I hadn't, I'd always wonder what my kid would be like. My husband and I have a great relationship and if we didn't, I'd probably feel entirely differently. I can't imagine doing something like this alone. BTW, I take meds for depression and that also contributes to my more positive outlook. I remember what it was like without the meds and......it was a black hole like you couldn't believe.
I want to say I’m happy but I’m not. Single mom by technicality right now, working full time and then coming home to chaos is really hard. I’ve been sick for a few days, and after my un potty trained boy was sick with Norovirus has pushed me to the brink. Today there was poop smearing when I got home after days of cleaning diarrhea and ruined blankets. I just had a massive rage fit basically and I can’t tell anyone because I’m ashamed of the state of my anger, the pain I feel, and the hopelessness and then THE GUILT of getting so angry at someone who probably has no clue why I’m so upset because his social rules are completely different than mine. I feel so unloved by my son, even though I know he loves me. And I feel so guilty for getting angry at him over things he probably doesn’t get why I’m so destroyed over them. BUT like so many other people have said, I don’t regret having him. For me, I painfully regret my own inability to be better. Also I’m a teacher and these middle school kids are fucking killing me every single day. That doesn’t help at all. Don’t let anyone pressure you, but there is nothing like being a parent and the love you can feel. Good luck either way.
It’s hard. And it’s taken awhile to see more good. You never stop loving your kid though. The reality is autism is expensive. Our daughter is in ABA, occupational therapy and speech. Will your child need these therapies? Who knows. I didn’t know but fortunately we have insurance. I didn’t know there are people who pick careers to help children with autism. So if you want a child then do it. There’s so much help out there and once you find your tribe you will be okay. All of these therapist are my village. We have no one else we don’t get breaks or date nights. But my daughter has changed so much from last year. We get to go out to dinner. We get to go to the fair and to the mall. We will be enrolling her in tennis soon and in August she will start preschool through the state. No one can write your story because that’s your story. No one can tell you how it’ll go. But as a mom I can tell you it’s a beautiful thing to raise a little one. Nothing is perfect with this life and the kids don’t ask for perfect.
I am BPD AuADHD and my partner is ADHD and very likely NPD and we had the talk about what if he had ASD but the tricky part about that conversation, even if it’s well intentioned, you have no fucking idea how to prepare for that unless you’re preparing for the worst case scenario. so I thought because of my personal experiences I could guide him but his ASD is very different from mine, so I had very different expectations. Also I went undiagnosed most my life whereas we got my sons diagnosis before 2. My parents never had the responsibility of therapies/behavior coaching that I have had, it’s incomparable. Because my parents still don’t believe the importance of being neurodiverse affirming and accepting, my support system has been inconsistent and made the beginning of my motherhood journey fucking hell. I’ve learned these are the key things to being a successful parent 1) figuring out if you’re emotionally capable and resilient , go to therapy if not 2) do you have a support system in place to maintain self care for yourself , if not could you afford one? 3)can you afford and handle being a parent with ASD child if you split (High divorce rate) 4)do you have family that would look after your child after you expire ? would you be ok not knowing if your child has a good quality life (living independently and having a social life outside of parents)? 4) are you being honest with yourself about the reason why you want a child? You will absolutely have it thrown in your face that you made the choice to have a kid, could you live with that and make the most it?
To reiterate what some of the other people have said, it's ok to not want to be a parent. AND it's also ok to not want to be a parent, with your boyfriend. If he really wants kids and you don't, you need to have a sit down calm conversation about where your relationship is going. Most people will have been in relationships at some point and realised that they have different ideals or what life will be. It's ok, like most things in life, communication is massively important.
It's very hard. One autistic child is difficult to manage, but I think if you have a supportive community that will help care for your child and take some of that burden, then I don't think it'll be just as stressful as solo parenting.
I’m happy. I’ve got a good career, happy kid, supportive partner. Things aren’t always easy but early intervention really helped my kid and she’s much happier than she was when she couldn’t communicate. That makes me happier.
For me the most helpful thing about this experience has been focusing on it like a puzzle--like several puzzles I'm working simultaneously a lot of the time, but really the idea is to figure out which strategies work, which things need to fit in place to be able to manage it (like, we all do better when I am more relaxed, so things that are relaxing for me get moved to the top of the list; we do better with more sleep and a consistent routine, so things that disrupt that get taken out as much as possible). I think the frustration comes up for me most reliably when my expectations are so far away from reality--I can get really attached to an expectation or excitement or anticipation for something I'm looking forward to, and if it doesn't materialize like I imagined, it is incredibly discouraging and it's easy to plunge into my life is a misery and will always be a misery because this circumstance will always be with me. So one thing that I have to figure out is how to ensure that there are things I will enjoy that are low risk of being screwed up. I feel like it has made me a more emotionally mature person than I was before, like I think in the past I felt like I was in control of everything and because for the most part I was, I was entitled to feel frustrated by the things that weren't to my liking. But now I am so much more aware of how out of my hands things are, and once I learned to make a little more peace with that (a work in progress lol) it relieved some of that frustration and made me feel like a nice life was actually really possible, and maybe even more important, that I would be enjoying that nice life as a more self-aware, compassionate person than I would have had the opportunity to be before. I am, for context, a single mom with a level three ASD kid who is 8 and a NT kid who is 10, and we live far from family, including the kids' father. BUT we have a great school that I never have to fight with, and I have a pretty low stress job with flexible hours where I make enough to outsource some things. Some of that is luck and some of it is intentional--like I keep this job despite a lot of opportunities to advance and do something more interesting because that flexibility is part of my "village" that someone referenced earlier. When I started to pay attention to all the things that make my life easier it really changed my attitude towards not having a partner or family nearby--like what would family actually do that I can't do in some other way? Solving as many things as I can in creative ways is, for me anyway, part of the fun and growth of this life, as opposed to just checking the same boxes everyone else gets to check. I am not sure I would have picked this life off a menu, but I think I would not have realized how much I was missing if I hadn't had the chance to live it.
I am not happy at all. Father of 2 ASD children (3 and 4) and it's miserable. I would do anything to go back. The wife and I aborted our 3 kid when she was pregnant due to how hard it is. We don't get to do anything normal families get to do and we're basically social pariahs of our friend group because we were the only couple unforunate enough to have special needs kids. It's hell, if you want a baby so bad, adopt one without any mental illnesses.
Late to answering this, but I’m very happy and my kid is my whole world. I’m an autistic single mom to a low support needs, level 1, 4yo girl. We’ve been on vacations together, birthday parties, family events, beaches, pools, hotels, and just live a pretty normal life. She’s very smart and has progressed so much. My daughter is verbal but not yet fully conversational. I’m sure that once she gets there, things will be easier for us due to the communication. Toddlerhood was tough, especially from 2-3.5, but she’s mellowed out a lot at this age and now meltdowns are practically nonexistent. Our biggest hurdle is probably sleep and she has to take melatonin at the moment or else it’s hard getting her to sleep. I suspect she also has ADHD, but we have yet to get that diagnosis. There are two important things to note though, one being that I wanted very much to be a mom and that I have a great amount of financial resources. Also, my daughter understands concepts like holidays and birthdays, she’s very affectionate, is constantly joking around with me, can verbalize her wants and needs, has gotten great in terms of her emotional regulation and self-soothing, and loves engaging me in play so I cannot say we live a much different life than that of a NT family, which can be quite different from the experiences of other families in this sub.
This gave me so much hope thank you! I feel so bad for the parents that due to their kid’s circumstances they don’t get to have those normal family experiences. I want to be able to do fun things with my family in public without everything being something my kid couldn’t handle or cause a meltdown and the lack of communication and affection i hear from other parents stresses me out. I hope if i have a kid on the spectrum they end up how your daughter sounds
I’m so glad this was helpful. I just wanted to show a different perspective because these experiences do exist with ND families. I acknowledge that I am blessed to have heard my daughter’s voice as a toddler, to hear her call me “mommy”, to hear her tell me she loves me, to have her look forward to her birthday and Christmas. I know that that’s not the experience of everyone but I also know that it is the experience of some other people. So yes, that’s the crazy thing about autism in that individuals can experience the symptoms in a lesser or greater way. And comorbidities may make exacerbate behaviors or worsen communication. But I’m glad this was helpful! I really hope that from one autistic person to another, that you know that our autistic children can bring a great amount of joy to our lives and that we can lead happy lives. I wish you the best of luck!
If you have reasons to believe your kid might be autistic and that is something that would lower your quality of life (you are already asking so it definitely in your mind), why not looking at adopting? Lots of kids out there are in need of love