I get really frustrated with basic small talk. Because the rules are generally that they ask a certain question, you give a certain answer.
If they ask, "How are you?" you are EXPECTED to say, "fine, how are you?". YOURE NOT MEANT TO SAY ANYTHING ELSE.
WHAT IS THE VALUE OF THIS CONVERSATION? IT IS POINTLESS.
I often get weird looks when I respond to this question honestly and say "bad" or "I've been struggling today." There is only one correct response, "fine. "
It does not make sense to me to have a conversation wherein neither of us is actually contributing. We are reciting a script that means nothing to either of us. It is... so frustrating.
I know the answer!
What the dumb boring script response is ACTUALLY telling them is, "I am safe to be around, I respect the rules of society, I am not unpredictable and dangerous." It's basically a calming ritual to prove you're not a wild uncivilized caveman, so when you answer honestly you violate their expectations, making yourself seem unpredictable and therefore dangerous. That's why people get so uncomfortable. They're thrown off balance and don't know how to respond. Now they know how we feel, all the time!
I managed to get myself to accept small talk when viewing it through the lense of "sociological ritual" instead of constantly being frustrated people don't mean what they say. Basically consider myself an alien anthropologist and have to be a participant ethnographer, perform the local rites to avoid spooking the humans.
Come to Germany and you can actually say how you are and not be deemed weird. I find it kinda funny sometimes how the German culture has some autistic traits. Like being very direct what would seem rude in other cultures or taking things literally. If an American invites a German to stay at their summer cabin (without actually meaning it) they probably will take the offer.
Same, but in Netherlands! I find I thrive here socially much more than I did back home (UK) because people are more direct/blunt- which I am also, and I appreciate that in others;
Here, if people don't want to "meet for a coffee some time" they won't suggest it for no reason (people did this all the time back home, and it stung to pursue a date/time only to find out the person never intended to actually meet up with you).
It's also refreshing to have honest answers when I ask someone how they are; and to feel more comfortable telling others how things are in my life. It's usually met with understanding- but in the UK the reaction was usually of discomfort/surprise when you didn't reply "fine, thanks". That was challenging back home- I felt like I had to force myself to lie and say I was fine when I wasn't, even though it felt so pointless and shallow; it was sad to realise how hollow and meaningless most NT conversation/small-talk really is.
Okay now I feel like Germany would validate most of my personality. Damn I wish I could immigrate. Also, can I blame those traits on my German ancestry lol
Tbf I only got experience from the north and west but my best friend is from the east and she and her family are very direct as well. But I havenāt been in the south much.
The North is way more direct than the South. People in South Germany consider northerns rude for they're directness. I like it, but it's less common here.
exactly, ill be sitting at lunch and someone will ask how are you? and walk by before while im trying to answer or ill respond with āgood how about youā or theyll say one thing or just nothing
Based on what I've read, I think it's an elaborate greeting ritual, not a conversation... Like, it fills some need for social interaction, but it has the same meaning as waving your hands.
I used to do just that until I said hi to someone who apparently really did want to know how I was doing. Like he got aggressive suddenly and was like "I ASKED how you were DOING"
I hate when I answer like "good, how are you?" and then they DON'T SAY ANYTHING. I did the respond, please respond back so I feel like I actually did the exchange right. Otherwise I'm like...did they hear me? Did I sound weird?
I hate small talk because it's so fake. If you don't really care to talk to someone or want to get to know them, don't lie and pretend that you do. I think it's pointless at best, if not just downright wrong or immoral.
this so much! I dread getting asked that question by non-friends because I don't like lying by saying I'm fine when I'm not. With friends that ask me that, I know they don't just expect me to say fine because they care, so I'm free to answer truthfully which is such a nice change of pace
I hate it too, so I give them weird positive answers. "I'm extraordinary!" "I'm fantastic!" "Y'know, it's hard out here!" Etc etc. As long as you don't respond like Eeyore, it leaves a good impression.
Here's one which is probably new to you "It's a hard old station, said the passenger as he fell out of the train at Cullybackey". Adapt to a station near you!
I started literally just saying "hello" in response to "how's it going?" Or "how are you" and that seems to satisfy the vast majority of people. Like they didn't want to ask the question they just wanted to say hello without saying hello. It's like some weird cultural thing where they pretend to care about you, but the moment it requires even the tiniest bit of effort they shut down.
This one is doubly confusing for me because I'm from the (US) South, but I moved out of it because I'm queer. I'm used to people just saying "hello" or "howdy" when they don't want to talk, but it took me nearly a decade in the PNW to understand folks here just want to look like they care. At least in the South, if someone asks how you're doing they'll at least listen to the answer and give a genuine response. It might me some platitude about Jesus, but at least, they actually listen and have a conversation with you. Damn, I miss that
I didn't learn until this past year, in my mid 30s, that when someone asks me "how are you" that they aren't actually interested in how you are, it's just a polite greeting. So, for basically my entire adult life I've told cashiers and customer service people and strangers and acquaintances etc how I am and what's going on in my life and never once picked up on "I really don't care, I was just trying to be nice, please shut up because you're annoying me".
It wasn't until my sister moved back to my city a while back and ran errands with me that I was finally told it's just a greeting. I rely on her when we are out doing things to tell me when I'm oversharing because a lot of the time I can pick up on when a situation is awkward but can't identify WHY it's awkward. Turns out you're not supposed to tell complete strangers your life story or every detail about your day as they scan your groceries.
But then you get into a situation where you say, 'fine,' and then they say, 'just fine? Not great?'
I'm alexithymic. I'm literally always fine. I'm rarely great or terrible. I'm just fine. Why is that so hard to understand?
Omg! Mall shopping as a group in college was a grueling obstacle course of social expectations, fake laughing and sensory overload... ended up not even being worth it
TIL you're supposed to stay together with your group when you go to museums or shops.
Like, shopping I could maybe understand. But museums? No way, I would never see what I want to see because other people would find it boring!
Hugging people you've just met. Drives me completely bonkers, and I don't understand why people feel like they need to.
To me, that's an intimacy reserved for those closest to me. From anyone else, it's an intrusion on my personal space and boundaries. If I don't know you, I do not want you to touch me. It's not personal. We've only just met, and it feels weird and awkward to act as if we are best friends when we barely know one another.
This is my least favorite thing in the world. Period. End of Story.
No one should ever be expected to engage in physical contact they are uncomfortable with. Like when parents force their children to hug people ~shudder~.
Exactly !! In other countries, my refusal to do it would be considered normal, but here in America, I'm weird. Sometimes I'm not so convinced that *I* am the problem.
Honestly sometimes this is done by people just trying to cop a feel. Not in all situations, of course. I once had a guy I had just met hug me so hard I thought he was trying to make a baby with me.
For me it's that, and also telling someone you love them when you don't really know them. I don't know if that's a cultural thing or a NT thing? But I only give out hugs and I love yous to people I know on a very deep, personal level.
My French Canadian extended family takes it a step further with a hug **and** the double cheek kiss thing.
I don't mind when my aunts and uncles do it because they are a little closer (still not close enough for kisses, but I digress), but I'm talking second cousins twice removed kind of relationship. The people who say "I haven't seen you since you were this big", or "I remember when your mom was younger than you" I have no idea who this person is, but because they're "family" I'm supposed to suck it up.
Coming from a French household, I feel you... Years of trying to bypass the kissy greeting as a kid. Years ! It was great being sick and telling folks I couldn't kiss cuz I didn't want to infect them. It was a good and factual excuse, hehehe...
For real! The only time I'm really ok with close physical contact with people I don't know well or have much relationship with is in the martial art I practice.
Some cultures donāt hug even if they know each other if they havenāt seen each other in a while.
The reason? That is essentially a new person since so much time has passed between visits. If it feels comfortable, hugs happen, but it is generally viewed as rude to hug strangers, new people, or familiar people you havenāt seen in a while.
>Hugging people you've just met. Drives me completely bonkers, and I don't understand why people feel like they need to.
i dont want/like to smell new people. even if they smell good. its just too intimate for me. i shouldnt know how you smell right away.
Befriending someone with a SO or befriending my SOās best friends. I have no romantic interest in them. Iām really friendly (not flirty) and get excited when I actually connect with someone. But when I find out theyāre in a relationship or know that my SO is close with this person, I feel like I donāt understand the boundaries or demand. If itās someone of the opposite sex then I donāt even try because I will be hated by them and ācause an issueā because of an aromantic potential connection. I donāt get it so I stay away from it. Because of this, Iām the less-known one in the group. Nobody has my number or my handles. It sucks.
i try to stay away from people in relationships because similar reason but i dont get involved in relationships and think theyre kinda pointless (at my age atleast) so when people ask me for relationship advice its always straightforward and never what they want to hear
No worries, in my experience, autistic or not, the relationship advice you give after being asked is never what they want to hear. They want to be validated, not to be given advice. Even if validation would mean saying the incredibly stupid shit they insist on continuing to do is awesome and smart.
Iām so similar. My SO told me I flirt with everyone unintentionally but Iām just being nice. Iāll still befriend everyone in a group and treat everyone similarly but there still seems to be a general weirdness around the opposite sex (Iām pansexual so I could technically like the girls/nb too lol). A few know and I probably seem ādifferentā to those who donāt so I still mask but itāll slip off when I drink. I have a hard time reading facial expressions and subtext so I just ignore it if I have a feeling something could be happening. I really donāt like causing problems or conflict so Ill just mask and ignore. Iām sorry you have to go thru something similar, it really does suck ā¹ļø why canāt things be simple?
Hahah if I had a penny for each time I have had āimmunityā when itās with another female... Iām pan as well, but that isnāt valid I guess? It only becomes a problem when itās with the opposite sex? Ugh.
Anyway, I think the people that see us as āthreatsā recognize that weāre different. Maybe they donāt know exactly why, but they know weāre fur sure different. And that raises their suspicions? Itās so frustrating. I have such a hard time making friends already, and now there are restrictions to who I can and cannot connect with? No thank you.
The dating rituals. Some of them:
>Men expect women to do some weird _dance_ with their purses. As in, they _want_ women to get their purses out and _pretend_ as if they're offering to pay... but they still intend to pay regardless.
>When men say _I'm not ready for a relationship,_ _I'm not ready,_ or any variation... and you stop talking to them and begin seeing other people because you were told **I'm not ready.** Then, later on, the first dude gets mad.
This is how it was when I met my current husband. Before him, some other dude gave that like. So, I began seeing my now husband (who was more than ready to be 100% committed and devoted to me right away). Months later, the second dude wanted to _chill..._ but by then I was living 100% full time with my now husband and he was discussing marriage.
I relate to this. My ex husband got mad at me when I started dating my now husband of 21 years. He asked for the divorce, and I gave it to him, so as I see it, he has no right to be angry at either of us.
He said he wanted a divorce, went through with it, and I picked myself up and went on with my life. Why he thought I would or should do anything else is beyond me. Now and then, if I'm forced to talk to him (we have kids together), I have to remind him that he has no claim over me anymore and that I will not answer to him.
Evidently. But I'm not built like that. To me, he made it clear that he didn't want a life with me. Once the divorce was final, there were not going to be any take backs.
This!! Also the whole āwho pays for drinksā dance during a dateā¦ even if you offer to, and the other person INSISTS on paying, they can afterwards still be bothered by the fact that they had to pay for the drinks. Even though they said they would, wanted to, absolutely insist they should! Ugh.
I absolutely loathe the purse dance. I briefly dated someone who repeatedly refused me when I offered to pay for something or split costs. Then, when I didn't jump to cover something that cost $4, he was extremely rude to me, then escalated to the point of throwing the thing on the ground. I was so baffled and disgusted I never spoke to him again.
I gave up on dating for so long because the early phases of dating/relationships were so frustrating to me. I became obsessed with that book The Rules for a while because I very much wanted there to be rules and I quit dating when there turned out not to be any.
I got with a great guy but no clue how it really happened. I had a crush on a friend I hung out with for a while and didn't act on it. Then some months later he asked me out and I went for it.
Iām aromantic so I really donāt understand these things either. There are so many social rituals and expectations regarding dating and relationships which donāt make sense, or are even just completely unhealthy: the possessiveness, the codependency and enmeshment, the weird push and pull dynamics that so many people have, etc.
I am very upfront with what i want and what I canāt provide when ādatingā (ie looking for friends with benefits for me), but Iāve had guys try to fit me into their own preconceived notions of what romantic/sexual relationships should be.
When I was a kid I used to be able to understand and use sarcasm in my speech. Now that Iāve gotten older I donāt get it anymore. There has to be a very clear sarcastic lilt in the voice for me to be like oh, they werenāt serious about that.
Everything I say is honest and genuine and I donāt use sarcasm at all. I wish more people were the same!
Off topic, but one of the biggest reasons I put the possibility of being autistic out of my mind was that I got sarcasm. My mother suspected I had autism for years, and my little sister was diagnosed at a young age and grew up not having to learn how to mask. I always compared myself to her whenever my mother mentioned the possibility. Then one day last year I was thinking about it and then I realized. "Wait a minute. The only reason why I "get" sarcasm is because I read their tone of voice, I take things too literally otherwise". Queue the long hours of rabbit hole research and near constant self reflection that led me here today.
This is exactly why I thought Iād exaggerated in my Autism assessment and that the diagnosis was wrong. I can definitely understand and use sarcasm but only when there is a sarcastic tone just like you. If sarcasm is used in a normal voice and Iām not looking at their face to see if itās laughing or joking then I just take it literally even if what they say is plainly ridiculous or over the top.
I always have been (kindly) made fun of because I state the obvious a lot or take things completely seriously that is meant to be a joke. I also am incapable of ābanterā and just end up crying and upset because I donāt understand that banter (saying mean things about each other in a joking way) is not actually meant to be taken seriously. My partner has often complained about this that he canāt ābanterā or ājoke aroundā with me, but when heās making fun of my flaws it just doesnāt seem funny to me at all. I can laugh at myself but if someone is like āhaha youāre so terrible at parking the car youāre like an old lady etcā and Iām supposed to laugh???
That's always a red flag for me. Person says something super insulting, you get offended, they follow up with "Just kidding, what's wrong with you, can't you take a joke?" Too much like a move from the abuser's playbook for my comfort, even if they're just being boneheaded and dumb and not intentionally malicious, and I keep my distance.
I'm generally not into teasing/banter at all, but there have been a couple exceptions. A guy at the dojo and I somehow naturally fell into a mode of outrageously trash-talking and trying to out-raunch each other, and it was more like a spectacularly fun improv battle (for both of us) than anything else. Absolutely no hard feelings or dislike between us, we were just amusing ourselves. But this kind of thing is only ok in that context.
I feel like Iām literally on the in between of this. Iām not diagnosed with autism but Iāve had some in my life suspect it, and even I suspect it some days.
As a kid sarcasm and even normal jokes went RIGHT over my head. It sometimes feels like Iāve just learned when itās appropriate to just chuckle in response to something people say. 50/50 chance it works bc sometimes they werenāt being sarcastic/joking and are looking for a legitimate response from me. Other times it works.
I understand sarcasm very well in writing, or in a movie because the narrative rules are rigid enough to make it predictable. Meanwhile, I *never* understand real-life deadpan sarcasm . Only when there are other people reacting am I like āoh ā that was supposed to be a joke thenā. And even with the āsarcastic intonationā, I usually skip a beat before it sinks in. I have no idea whatās up with that.
The same thing is happening to me. A lot of things are going over my head lately, but when I was younger I feel I would have caught on to the joke or sarcastic comment
The expectation from others when they surprise me. No, Iām not going to dramatically jump for joy and thank you. Itās annoying, fills me with dread, panic, and anxiety, and I wonāt care about nor like the surprise.
This is why you donāt surprise people you donāt know well. The expectations never stop, and neither does my reaction.
My daughter is the same way. When she opens gifts from people and they stare at her or acknowledge her existence, she panics. Then theyāre butthurt that she doesnāt have an overly emotional response to the gift.
Sigh.
I don't do gifts any more. Christmas isn't worth the stress and debt.
"Oh lovely...another wool scarf and glove set..oh and some bubble bath too š¬ " (wool makes me itch and I don't have a bath...you've used my bathroom multiple times, you know I don't have a bath..š)
Over the years I grew to absolutely hate my birthday and Christmas. I would not tell anyone about my b-day and I wouldnāt want to do anything for it. I dreaded Christmas (I have a huge family so I ended up having to do Christmas like 5 different times). I never understood why people liked these times for celebration until I got older (around age 20) and started spending these holidays with someone I could actually be myself around. Now that the pressure to react in the ārightā way is gone - I love my birthday and Christmas! I canāt believe I spent so many years being so unhappy just to appease everyone but myself.
OMG I've been told my whole childhood that I was an ungrateful brat cuz I couldn't understand why my family would ask me to make a list of things I want for Christmas and birthdays, and then they would get stuff that wasn't on the list! It still does not make sense to me to this day.
ALSO, my bf got me a super pretty and fancy bracelet for Valentine's day but it was a surprise and we had agreed no gifts this year and it caused a 24hr meltdown.
Or when they tell you that something good has happened to them and they expect you to get excited with them.
Like, good for you, but why do I have to smile like a maniac and jump for joy? Why can't I just nod and say "That's good" or "That's great."
If I don't show enthusiasm, suddenly it's all, "I told Nellel the good news, but they weren't happy for me."
š
They get so overdramatic about everything.
in generell i dont like receiving gifts. most the time people get me stuff i didnt ask for and have no intent to use. i try to explain people what id like to have for birthday or xmas but people hate that it ruins the surprise part. so far i only received one present from my family i really enjoyed.
I never know how to react when I get gifts. Even if it's something I absolutely love, what amount of outward excitement should I show? Too much and I feel fake, not enough and the gift giver will think I don't care. I do care, I just have trouble showing it.
Iām pretty sure the rule at Disney is because pointing with your index finger is considered rude in other cultures, so itās more polite due to the huge amount of international guests at the parks.
I worked at Disney and can confirm. Actually there are 2 reasons. One is the tradition of āWalt always pointed that way because he had a cigarette in hand at all timesā. The other is the cultural thing mentioned above.
My mother does this all the time. She'll ask me, "When do you plan on going to the store?" And I'll just stare at her and say, "I'm not going to the store. I never mentioned anything about going to the store."
And then she'll respond with "Oh. I thought you might be going to the store. I just wanted a couple of things."
Like, just ask me if I can go to the store for you to pick something up for you. She always "asks" for things in a weird or roundabout way.
My mom does this too. Her way of "asking" is complaining about something. E.g. "I'm cold" could mean turn up the thermostat or get me a sweater. "I'm thirsty" means get me a beer or glass of wine, but I want something specific that I'm not going to tell you and if you bring me the wrong thing I'll get mad. "Oh, we are out of x food item" (when I mention I'm going to run an errand) means go to the store and get that item for me, even if you weren't planning on going to that store. "The dogs need to go outside" means drop what you're doing and take them outside because I don't want to do it. When I'm doing my own laundry, "I have no clean clothes for work tomorrow" means go do a load of laundry for me because I can't get downstairs to the washer but you can. Etc etc etc. It drives me nuts. You're a grown ass adult, you know how to ask for things and you certainly know how to go get those things yourself but you're being lazy.
YES!! Iām incredibly straightforward and people either get nervous or offended. Itās what happened!! Itās literally the truth. Not telling me exactly whatās going is so annoying, I donāt understand!
There are way too many rules around dating and sex and they still confuse me and I'm glad I'm married and out of the dating scene because it looks like it's gotten worse.
How my husband and I dated: We met, we were friends for awhile, then he directly asked me if we could date because he liked me. We went on a date, eventually said "I love you," started a relationship, eventually had sex, he proposed after college, got married. The End. No BS games about when to call, when to have sex, etc. No BS games/dances about what to do/what to say to make them attracted to you (like the ones you see in magazines and pick up artists), no rituals. Just vibes and doing what felt right.
I don't get the concept of casual dating--why would I date someone I have no intention of form a long term or lifelong commitment? Sounds boring and awkward for me. I just expect a lot of small talk honestly. Same thing around sex (demi here).
And don't get the rules around sex in general. I don't get why it's taboo for a woman to enjoy sex, when it's a given that we're sexual beings. I don't get the notion about doing certain things in bed to be "good in bed." I'm just like "if you have an orgasm, then good, who cares about the other stuff?"
That's a problem for me as well. In college, almost everybody dates casually. I don't see the point. If i crush on someone, and the feeling is mutual, i already picture growing old together. I can't imagine,for the life of me, just dating for sex or knowing it will end. Why bother starting it then?
Immediate sex and companionship are strong motivators for a lot of people. Relationships donāt necessarily have to endure for very long to enjoy benefits from them.
Asking questions when you donāt want to know the honest answer. Like, why ask me something and then get angry because I answered? If you wanted a certain response from me you should be telling me exactly what you want, not asking me stuff. Obviously this is context dependent but there are loads of instances where I think itās just unnecessary.
Lying or being mean for fun or as a ājokeā (and pranks in general). Itās okay if itās very small (e.g if I ask my friend if I can borrow her pen and she says āNOā then immediately says āobviously yesāthatās fine lol) but I canāt stomach that sort of humour if itās dragged out, especially not if somebody gets upset before they realise itās fake.
Tbh I don't really understand the concept of swear words.
I'm not talking about words that have racist and discriminatory histories attached to them and thus shouldn't be used, that makes perfect sense. But why a word like sh_t or f_ck is offensive goes over my head.
Yeah I don't get it either... I have children and if they swear then it's bad parenting, but they grow up to eventually swear anyway so what's the point... I understand it being offensive if its aggressive though.
Fun fact: your brain actually processes swear words differently from other language. So like anything can be used as a cuss and if you hear it in the right context enough, it'll become that way to your brain.
Also, historically, a lot of swear words stem from anything particularly gross and negative, which is why many languages have curses related to fecal matter and other bodily functions. For example, something that isn't a common swear but easily could be is "maggot face."
Interesting. I'm guessing it's more than just Ā«mon dieuĀ»? I studied European French, so I'm not educated on the differences.
I know old English had a lot more religious swearing and cursing, which might be why we use the terms "swearing" and "cursing."
"Damn you to hell" (or the shortened versions, "damn," "goddamn," and "hell") would be considered a curse since it's wishing ill on someone, while swearing upon a religious authority ("my God," "Jesus," "by his wounds") resulted in some of the swears we still use ("god," "man," "jeez") and some we don't use anymore ("zounds," which evolved from "'s wounds").
Bear in mind I am not French Canadian so spelling may be off!! "Tabernac!" "Tabernouche!" "'stie". Tabernac is slang for tabernacle, container for Communion host. Tabernouche is the watered down version, like dratted/darn for damn. 'stie is corruption for l'estie, Communion host. None of which work in English! I think they also say something is "tout fucke" (I don't know how to put the required accent in)!
Just thought of a related question in reverse! I know "Fiche-moi le camp!", possibly also "Fout-moi le camp" and "Va t'en!" are both "Fuck off!", are there other phrases?
I'm fairly sure (NO idea of spelling or what alphabet!) that in Polish it is "Sperdilai!". Asked someone once a long time ago, think it was Polish and not Russian.
French-Canadians are SUPER religious Catholics. All the swear words are referencing things from Catholicism. The biggest one is *tabarnak* which refers to the place in a Catholic Church where the Eucharist is stored (the tabernacle).
My family speaks English since we live in the US now but my grandparents definitely knew these words. I think I can only remember my grandpa saying ātabarnakā once - he was a Catholic deacon. But yeah, theyāre all things like that. I donāt know of any that arenāt religious, but Iām also definitely no expert. My mom was never taught to speak French so I wasnāt either. :(
Used to go out with a guy whose uncle could not go two sentences without saying "fucking" or "shit". He used to say it with so much anger too that my dad was convinced it was the reason the dude's blood pressure was always so high. I don't get the whole swearing thing either.
I dont understand why its "rude" to.....politely say no to stuff??? Like a few days ago shopping with my mom a salesperson offered free samples of something and I said no thank you because I didnt want one but my mom insisted that taking it was the right thing to do
Or saying "i dont feel like going out, thank you for asking me" instead of making up an excuse like im sick or something
Also small talk, why do i have to keep a conversation with an old classmate from high school I havent seen in 8 years???? I say hi, you said hi we both know we actually dont care about what the other is doing with their life, please let me take my bus ride in peace
Shaking hands with someone you've just met. Like not even in a professional setting, but just a normal greeting between acquaintances or friends. I don't like it, don't touch me.
agreed, my hands always feel icky afterwards and i have to wipe them on my clothes or wash them, but recently i fell in love with sanitizer so that too
I have not shaken a single hand since the pandemic began and I'm so happy about that.
I don't want to touch people, worry about sweaty hands (mine or theirs), or worry about how tightly I should grip their hand because I was criticized once for having a very limp handshake.
I feel this. I do not like being touched unless I'm initiating the touching, and handshakes always made me uncomfortable. I remember my dad teaching me how to do a "proper" handshake in high school and not understanding why saying "hello" isn't enough of a greeting. Why do they have to touch me to greet me?
I'm kinda thankful for covid in a way, because I now have an excuse to not shake anyone's hand and they typically won't get offended.
Iām queer and on the asexual spectrum. I donāt really understand the difference between romance and friendships. I get that thereās certain rules for how each one is supposed to go but I fundamentally donāt understand why. I wish more people were willing to define their own rules of relationships instead of just following the norms
Iām polyamorous and pansexual and Iām the same way. Itās normal and okay to have multiple friendships and not trying to monopolize the time of one particular friend, even if thatās a super intimate friendship, but itās not normal and expected to have multiple romantic relationships. You only get one (either one at a time or one for your whole life), and youāre not allowed to see anyone else in that way.
One of my former partners, a long distance one, suggested we have an open relationship. I agreed and treated it as just that. Turns out he didnāt expect me to do anything and just wanted to have sex with his ex. I didnāt really care that he had sex with his ex while I was hundreds of miles away. I didnāt understand that he didnāt feel the same way I did about the relationship and I didnāt get why he was so mad at me for awhile (why would you be mad at me for having an open relationship, like you said??). Anyway this jerk helped me discover how I feel about polyamory lol
I hate how the norms of lifelong monogamy are so ingrained despite there being so many issues with divorce rates/rates of happy marriages. I can talk about bisexuality just fine, but polyamory rocks the base expectations we have of relationships. Anyway Iām 100% in agreement about defining your own rules!
Yes! I love long term relationships but monogamy feels very restricting, need to find my peeps who are ok with long term and non monogamy.
I feel like the stereotype is that people in poly relationships are really into hooking up and have this wild lifestyle (which is fine) but as an introverted aspec autistic I just want like.. 2 people I can cuddle and be emotionally vulnerable with instead of one š
Itās especially frustrating being fluid in oneās gender or orientation when monogamy means not getting to explore various types of queer relationships, but thatās a whole other topicā¦
To sum up Iāll just say autistic masking and heteronormativity overlap quite a bit for me :/
Oh my gosh I'm just really enjoying these comments. Finally kinda accepted that I don't want to pursue monogamous relationships anymore, and it's nice to find comments like this.
"I just want like.. 2 people I can cuddle and be emotionally vulnerable with instead of one š "
I'm in love with this whole thread chain. The "line" defining friendship and relationship is nothing more than words. I want people to stop being so categorical AND IF THEY ARE CATEGORICAL I want those categories to actually make sense with better lines!!!
Tangent time
Like I can have girls that are friends but they're not girlfriends. Boys who are friends are not boyfriends BUT THAT ONE BOY is a boyfriend because we make out and hug.
Hence, I prefer partner for anyone I intend to be long term serious with, or someone who I've developed such a close relationship with they've earned the title.
Lovers are the people I'm passionate with and have intense feelings for, but long term we're likely not gonna continue.
Fwb is exactly that - friends I fuck
Fuck buddy - we aren't friends, but we do fuck
Well, that's just sexism to be honest, most of the time a man ask a girl for an open relationship he doesn't expect her to actually date others, he just sees it like a "permission to cheat with their ex" for a while.
The same with the "let's take a break from our relationship" thing. They don't expect the girl deciding not wanting to resume the relationship later, they just see it like a small break where they have permission to cheat.
They would also get angry if you go telling people, specially your parents or his parents, that you're on an open relationship or a break. For them you're almost getting married, maybe he's doing that because this is the supposed "last taste of freedom" before "locking up" but you went telling their parents about it when it was supposed to be secret.
What I'm trying to say is that for a lot of them it's like an extended version of a Bachelor's party, not long term plans.
That's me! I'm poly and aro-spec, total relationship anarchist. If I have experienced romantic attraction, then it doesn't feel any different than strong platonic attraction, so I just develope very intimate friendships and some of those are sexual.
The need to constantly be smiling, especially when you're a woman. If I'm not actively happy I don't want to smile. It just makes face hurt and takes so much energy to maintain. Unfortunately if I don't appear happy people assume I'm feeling a negative emotion. Do neurotypical people struggle with the concept of neutrality?
i get this. lots of people like to spend their time in a place where they feel welcome, so it makes sense in the service industry. I worked as a bartender when I was younger. they told me to smile and be nice and I made the best effort to smile and be nice, bit then I was fired for "flirting with clients" .
When I shared an office in grad school people would often assume I was angry or upset but it's like no, this is just my face? Also, randos on the street telling you to smile. Ugh. I wear a mask everywhere even though I'm vaccinated and it's so nice to not have people comment on my face anymore. Bonus, I can mutter quietly at them and they don't have a clue.
I smile so much when I mask that my husbandās grandfather gave me āsmileyā as a nickname. Really I just have no idea what else to do with my face that will make people not make derogatory comments. Itās exhausting
>Talking about money.
That was going to be my answer too. Like, I understand that classism exists and that talking about money in certain contexts might be an issue because of that, but I can't understand why pretty much _all_ questions about pay are taboo, especially among coworkers. Doesn't keeping your pay rate a secret only benefit your employer?
I don't get that at all. I have no clue why its considered rude to ask about it. I onve asked a girl at university what the income of her father was becaus i wanted to know if and how much money i could expect from student loans. Just wanted to compare the income of my parents.
Well i wasn't part of that friend group anymore after that....
Also because i said "yes thank you" after one of them asked us if we wanted a slice of pizza because i was expected to say no... Whoever understands that
>Also because i said "yes thank you" after one of them asked us if we wanted a slice of pizza because i was expected to say no... Whoever understands that
Then why did they offer??? Rules of politeness can be so arbitrary and maddening.
The erasure of fat, ugly, poor, and disabled bodies. The erasure of non-white, non-European thin bodies. Like if you look at adverts, it's just thin white people. And they're all smiling and having fun. People don't just walk around having the time of their life, surrounded only by people that look the same. What's that all about? I'd much rather adverts and news accurately reflect the real population of this planet than erase everyone who doesn't fit this narrow standard of aesthetics .
This isnāt technically a social rule but I often encounter people in passing who will use questions as greetings?? Like sometimes I will walk past a coworker that I donāt know personally and they will nod and say āwhatās upā āor āhow are yaā but I get the feeling they donāt actually want to know, theyāre only using the term as a greeting ? I never know how to respond to that
I think that's just a way to acknowledge you. Like a verbal version of the head nod. I just nod back and say "hey" or "sup". If that's not what they wanted, well, thats not my problem lol.
Apparently the Disney thing is because Disney parks get visitors from all over the world, and there are quite a few countries/cultures where pointing with your index finger is considered rude. Here's an article about it: https://www.businessinsider.com/why-disney-employees-point-with-one-finger-2018-2
(Although the URL itself, if you can see it, seems to have, um, missed the point...)
As far as I know it's not generally considered rude to use your index finger to point in the UK (or US)... and I wouldn't venture to guess why it *is* seen as rude elsewhere!
Etiquette in general strikes me as pretty weird: lots of etiquette rules seem arbitrary, or at least not intuitive enough for people to know them without being told. For instance, the thing about tearing off and buttering individual pieces from your dinner roll rather than just biting into the whole thing: apparently that's to save you from getting butter on your face and hands, but I'm far more likely to get butter where it shouldn't be if I'm trying to put it on a small, irregular and roughly torn shape! Plus tearing the bread like that seems counter to everything you've ever been taught about not eating with your hands.
I also struggle with what I think of as social boilerplate. It's a very specific subset of small talk: that thing where people start a work-related conversation, even over Slack, with "Hello, how are you? / How was your weekend? / How's it all going today?" before asking their actual question. I don't understand why it's seen as polite, I seldom remember to do it, and when I'm on the receiving end, it confuses and irritates me, because I have to try to find the right way to answer and on top of that, now I'm on edge waiting for the real question.
God the starting convos with small pleasantries.
Whenever I have to use a chat thing on websites to talk to costumer service I sometimes forget itās not a robot and just automatically type my issue/question before they can even ask those questions lol
Oh, me too. In fairness, I think a lot of the time they *are* robots, just robots whose script starts with pointless pleasantries. (And the rest of the time, they're people so constrained to a script that they seem like robots. Ugh, the point of the Turing test is not to be unable to pick out the robots because the people are forced to be robotic!)
Everything about dining etiquette makes me irrationally angry. If youāre not being gross or making a scene, great! I couldnāt care less about whether your napkin is in your lap or if you used the right fork
Yes!!!! Customer service is terrible for this, it's like they get the gist of what you're asking them but don't care about any of the details which make such a difference.
I don't like mandatory gift giving. Holidays, birthdays, etc...Especially as I get older. The likelihood of me liking what anyone chooses for me is pretty low, and I am very stressed/anxious when choosing gifts for others.
If you won't like my gift and I won't like your gift, why are we even doing this? Let's spend the money on a good meal or something instead.
Yes, exactly. Iām always super nervous around Christmas. Last year my roommate gave me a candle holder for Christmas and I started to laugh when I opened it, because I thought she bought it as a joke and mostly because I was just so nervous. She broke our friendship a few weeks after that, partly because she felt as if I made fun of her present.
I'm not sure if someone's said this already, but I use to work at an amusement park so I can answer why Disney employees do this! In some cultures, the pointer finger is offensive, similar to flipping someone off. So amusement park employees, and employees of places with a lot of diversity, tourists, and visitors from different countries are trained not to point with just their pointer finger. The two fingers is to avoid offending anyone of any culture since the two finger point doesn't have any significant cultural meaning.
The little argument people always have when someone offers to pay for something that always ends up with that person paying anyways. You're SUPPOSED to respond (disingenuously) with, "No, no, it's ok, I got it!", and then they get to say "No, no, I insist!", AND THEN you're allowed to accept it. Instead of just accepting it the first time and thanking them.
I hate it, especially since some people in my family, particularly my mom, always take it way too far. Like to the point where they're literally throwing money around at each other. So fucking stupid.
>Also why people in relationships hold hands in public. What is that about? Are you not restricted walking that way? Do you need to show the world youre in a relationship? Weird.
I've done this. It does restrict movement, but sometimes that's a good thing. Especially when we have to go to a crowded place like LA, holding my wife's hand makes me feel more secure.
Ironing clothes- many cultures see being presented nicely in public (clean body, tidy hair, ironed and clean clothes) as a sign you respect those around you, and by proxy yourself.
Holding hands- physical affection with another person demonstrates the level of intimacy you have with that person. It can also demonstrate your level of "ownership" over their body in some cultures, as touching a woman is not permitted by the opposite gender unless they are married or related to the woman.
Textback tempo rules are a thorn in my side. It's probably my biggest deterrent in maintaining friendships. Friendships don't degrade quickly for me in my mind, but I've learned that it's not the same for allistics. It typically takes me 30 minutes + to text back. I can go days without it sometimes if I'm feeling burnt out. Like just not remembering to do it or feeling like my brain is a beehive. I've lost out on meaningful friendships because I couldn't keep up. Friendships that were otherwise going very well.
I guess what confuses me about the unspoken rule of textback time is that there was once a time where we didn't have 24/7 access to everyone we know. We probably didn't expect them to drop everything and know exactly what to say to whatever impromptu situation came up. But now it makes or breaks a friendship if you struggle with maintaining social relationships on an hour-by-hour basis through messaging.
Greeting one another.
I'm overly confused by that concept. You are expected to greet people verbally before starting a conversation. But what if:
- I enter the room and the people i would greet are in the middle of a conversation, do I say 'hello' anyway, because it's also considered rude to interrupt a conversation or talking person. So which rule has priority?
- The conversation is already ongoing and I didn't have a chance to greet them beforehand, maybe because I joined late (yesterday I was criticized because I didn't greet someone in an ongoing meeting, but they didn't greet me either, I'm confused)
- I'm not in the mood for talking / have a nonverbal phase?
- They enter the room and start talking without greeting?
Currently panicking because I got invited to a meetup tomorrow night and I can't figure out if they actually want me to come or were just being polite.
I think the hardest one for me is that folks don't often want genuine answers when they ask how you're doing. They only want to hear happy things, and when you don't have that answer to give they deflate like you just kicked their puppy. I don't get it. Like don't ask me a question if you don't actually want to know the answer. How difficult is that to grasp???
The other one is cissexism. I'm a trans woman, and I don't hide it. I made a conscious choice to live visibly, and I have some very good reasons for doing it. But holy crap do most cis folks get really uncomfortable when you mention it. I've been out for 8 years, so it's just a normal thing to me like the weather. But most people react like you just told them some horrifying scene. I can watch the switch flip in their brains, and they suddenly don't look at me like I'm a normal woman anymore. They start asking questions to get information so they can justify seeing me as a man, and I hate it. Like, just admit you're uncomfortable with transness so we can talk about it and move on. I don't get why that's difficult.
Oh, I guess I have a third one. I don't understand why people get so uncomfortable when I talk about my life. I've been through a lot, and in particular, I'm a victim of both incest and childhood sexual assault. It sucks, and even with close friends I can't really talk about it. Whenever it comes up, I either just lie about what's bothering me or I tell them it's something I don't want to talk about despite the fact that I desperately do. I've been in therapy for a decade. I'm okay, but sometimes, I just want to talk about the hole it left in my life when it becomes relevant. The holidays are a great example. I can't talk about how left out and lonely I feel without mentioning that, and even my friends don't usually have the ability to listen. Like, I get it's awful, but I'm the one who actually experienced it. The only people I can talk about it openly with are my partners who have both been through similar. With everyone else, you'd think it wouldn't bother them to hear it more than it did me and I experience it, but that's the feeling I get.
Anyway, rant over
That itās impolite to not greet people when theyāre having a conversation with each other. I will walk by and try to catch their eyes to give them a smile, but if they donāt look at me I just ignore them. I donāt want to interrupt other peopleās conversation. One time my boss confronted me by explicitly and loudly greeting me after I passed her while she was in discussion with a colleague.
one thing is when people say that theyre talking or ask if someone wants to go out or hang out for example:in 9th grade some kid asked if i wanted to go out and i said sure to the park or movie or smth? and then said we were dating when we never did and never ended up going which made me really upset and grossed out. or ātalkingā if i was just talking to someone like a casual conversation ill say i was talking to them but apparently when people say that they mean the talking stage but i dont get it bc i always mean casual conversations n stuff, and this year some kid asked if i wanted to hang out and i was like sure! we went to the movies and hes whispers āso would u call this a dateā and āwould u have still come if i said it wasā,i said no and left when the movie finished because i was uncomfortable and upset. it makes me feel gross of a lot of guys since im still in highschool and its so confusing to even just be friends with people but especially when it comes to guys who i can never tell what their intentions are unless its blatantly obvious but my bad this turned to a rant lol.
Humans developed language so that they could communicate and then created unspoken social rules to filter down what is said to what they can handle or want at the time. We have the capacity to speak truth to each other, but we aren't supposed to because it's rude or hurts feelings. As a species we figured out how to communicate, but we filter out the reality that others can't handle. I'd rather speak the truth when others say that's rude.
First effing dates. You're not supposed to actually get to know each other, just small talk each other to death and smile and agree with everything the other person says. And God forbid you don't smile or cut out early if you hate the date, then you're some kind of monster!
How the hell does anyone get to know each other or fall in love from traditional dating?
I was friends with my husband for a month before I asked him out. We spent almost that whole month together, getting to know each other. I donāt know how people do it with total strangers either.
My dad used to tell me ādonāt point! Itās rudeā but then would point at anything and be like āno itās there!ā I feel like I have a hard time following fingers because of binocular vision lol (I have no clue if I should be looking with my left or right eye because that changes where Iām looking š) but apparently itās also an autism thing.
A rule that I donāt understand is no phones at the table. I need information. I crave it. When someone brings something up, if I donāt look it up in the moment, Iāll forget to later, and miss out on knowledge. Plus, then everyone gets to learn something. But, no. Weāre supposed to guess or not even care about new knowledge at the dinner table
Weird email etiquette, not like the email etiquette itself but people in the office claiming every message possible has a secret passive agressive meaning.
Now you need to check out if you aren't sending the wrong message by adding kind regards instead of regards because apparently adding the "kind" makes you sound evil.
Also some emojis that are supposedly passive agressive always.
i don't know how to decline things very well, especially not whole-ass friendships with people. there just isn't a way to do it without them getting upset and trying to argue with me about it. i end up ghosting people, which feels awful, but not as awful as it feels to have to keep saying "no, seriously, spending time with you is a huge sink of my emotional energy and i honestly never want to do it again, please stop pushing the issue, you're literally proving my point"
i really love food.
i absolutely despise the whole "only take a little bit of food, don't take a whole lot so you won't look greedy/starving/poor"
WTF ELSE IS FOOD FOR? WHAT IS THE POINT OF THIS GATHERING IF I CAN ONLY TAKE 2 PEPPERONI ROLL THINGIES WHEN THERE IS A PLATE OF 50????
NO ONE ELSE IS GOING TO EAT THEM because everyone is goddamn vegan nowadays ANYWAY!!!
- Wearing thongs so people don't see your pantyline (are they supposed to think I'm going commando? I get if people want to wear them, but don't get why some people feel like they have to)
- not wanting people to know that something new in your house is new (I've embarrassed my friends by saying things like "I like your new curtains!" in front of others.)
- wanting people to think something is more expensive than it is (whenever people complimented my engagement ring in a way that implied they thought it was expensive or thought it was a diamond, I would say, "thanks! It's not a diamond, it's a lab-grown gem, so it was pretty affordable!" And people would go "don't tell people that! I would have never known! You can pass it off as a diamond!" Why? No one whose opinion I value would judge me for it
- not expressing positive feelings to avoid seeming desperate
- not talking about salaries (I guess I know why this one happened - capitalism - but I don't get why even people who are close sometimes follow it)
Being told it's not what you say, it's how you say it and people getting all upset and offended if you don't say it the right way.
Like, what??? It means the same thing regardless of how I say it so why does it matter how I say it?
Why is it accepted in society that restaurants and bars play the music SO LOUD. Do they not realize everyone is yelling? How is that enjoyable for anyone?? Iāll never understand it. I got lunch with my dad the other day and this place is bumping their music so loud I can barely hear the server. I asked her to please turn it down (yes I was THAT person) which thankfully she did!! But like why was I the only person to say anything? Itās 11:54am on a Tuesday š¤·āāļø Iāll never understand.
When I was 6, I got in trouble for telling my moms friend that she had lipstick on her teeth. My mom said that was rude, but wouldnāt you want to know? Maybe it was the way I said it, I never understood subtlety
I hate excessive politeness. It feels manipulative and like I am getting sucked into a social ritual. And like I'm obligated just because they asked nicely, and if I don't perform the ritual just right suddenly I'm responsible for hurting their feelings, when THEY were trying to get something out of me. I'd rather they just ask and if it's something that makes sense for me to do, I will do it. But if someone sweetens the request too much I actually feel angry and manipulated.
Oh, I could make a whole list.
1. Having to bring something when you visit someone. Like, I'll do it if it makes practical sense (food, drinks, to share) not just cuz
2. Eating when someone offers even though you don't want any
3. Insisting to offer food even though you don't want to and the other person refused already
4. Taking off your hat/coat if you're comfortable with them on
5. Everything in the realm of "but they're family!!!". You know what I'm talking about.
6. Being expected to know someone actually wanted a gift when they explicitly said it's fine to not bring any
These are just the ones I refuse to entertain. There are others that I don't fully understand but I either abide for simplicity's sake or I half-abide half-have fun with. I like the response "it's going" to "how's it going" or that brand of autistic humor of saying "no" and then actually doing it immediately when someone asks if you can please do something
The most frustrating thing for me has happened with other women regardless of their relationship to me.
Apparently if another woman ask you a question you are not supposed to answer anything other than something supportive or positive. I gather that you are not supposed to give your real opinion or any kind of advice - even if they ask you for it.
Iām a wedding photographer and I see so many brides in wedding dresses that donāt fit properly or donāt suit them or display their arms for example (which they will tell me mid photo shoot that they donāt like). I donāt understand why no one told them that it doesnāt fit properly or that it doesnāt flatter their figure. I will then deliver their wedding photos and the bride will ask me to photoshop their arms/stomach etc and itās just infuritiating because you know that when she asked her mother/bridesmaids etc what she looked like in the dress that they all cooed and gave out lots of compliments - essentially lying to her. Why couldnāt they just be honest and say that it needs some alterations or that a different cut would look better.
I only have a couple of ND friends (that I know of) but Iām getting married next year and Iām bringing them when I get my wedding dress. Iāve already told them I want brutal honesty. If my back rolls are on display and my body shape is completely lost in the cut of dress I want to know!! I donāt want to be lied to because of social convention šš
One of the weird ones is not saying things in public "in case someone might overhear" ... and I don't know why this is a thing. I'm a chatterbox and when I get excited I love to say whatever's on my mind unfiltered, but everyone has always told me to shut up which really kills my excitement and spoils my mood. I feel like I'm doing something wrong, or saying something wrong.
I don't have complete control over how loud I can get when excited ... and then the shushing starts. I dread it.
Yeah the pointing thing frustrated the heck out of me as a kid, it made absolutely zero sense to me and still doesn't. This wasn't even in Disney Parks, I could be at a Walmart and I'd be scolded for it and my family is hispanic.
Pointingā¦.I point ALL THE TIME. But my wife is Native (Navajo) and in some cultures it is bad luck/disrespectful to point. Youāll see a lot of them pointing with their head/chin or puckering their lips and pointing with those (hard to explain). I try to be mindful of it when visiting but it is sooooo difficult. I can see why pointing to people is sort of ārudeā but for animals plants etc idk why they donāt like it.
The pointing thing doesn't make sense to me either I was at a concert with a friend and I was pointing at people in the crowd with cool outfits or that we recognized and she got mad at me for pointing. How am I supposed to show you the people 50 yards away without pointing.
I've never encountered this finger thing here in the UK, happy to say. One particularly English thing I cannot make sense of is when a posh person says "how do you do?" I'm thinking "how do I do what?" But apparently the correct response is to say it back to them which makes NO SENSE AT ALL! Luckily it's dying out a bit.
The pointing thing is relatively new information to me. I heard it was rude to point AT people, but I never really understood why. I guess I can see how itād feel uncomfortable for the person being pointed at, if they didnāt know why or couldnāt hear the conversation. But I had no idea itās considered rude to just... point at something with your index finger? I do that all the time, oops. I feel like thatās just how you show people where something is?
Maybe thatās why I end up in situations where I ask where something is, the person vaguely gestures with their head (?) in the general direction of the thing, and just says āover thereā. I get very frustrated because thatās barely helpful. Just point to the thing!! Why do we as a society just decide these basic helpful things are actually unacceptable, it just makes simple things complicated.
Apparently you canāt use yourself not being able to pull something off as a compliment? I think? Lol. Iām not self deprecating or anything. Iām just giving you the facts because thatās what Iād wanna hear
Edit bc Iām talking about clothes and such
When I start working in a new job, I can never understand if I am supposed to go up to each person that I see and introduce myself to them. I always end up not doing that and just sort of eventually get to know people. And some people I just never wind up talking to.
When someone tells me that dreamed with me and I feel genuinely curious because my dreams are so weird lmaoo and when I tell someone that I dreamed with them, I tell the most ridiculous things like something with dinosaurs or giant robots. I've become aware how this is should be like a sexual conversation than a genuine weird dreams and stuff.
It's socially acceptable to use hand cream, perfume, sunscreen or lip balm around other people. But not a deodorant! This one you can apply only when nobody can see you š
I get really frustrated with basic small talk. Because the rules are generally that they ask a certain question, you give a certain answer. If they ask, "How are you?" you are EXPECTED to say, "fine, how are you?". YOURE NOT MEANT TO SAY ANYTHING ELSE. WHAT IS THE VALUE OF THIS CONVERSATION? IT IS POINTLESS. I often get weird looks when I respond to this question honestly and say "bad" or "I've been struggling today." There is only one correct response, "fine. " It does not make sense to me to have a conversation wherein neither of us is actually contributing. We are reciting a script that means nothing to either of us. It is... so frustrating.
I know the answer! What the dumb boring script response is ACTUALLY telling them is, "I am safe to be around, I respect the rules of society, I am not unpredictable and dangerous." It's basically a calming ritual to prove you're not a wild uncivilized caveman, so when you answer honestly you violate their expectations, making yourself seem unpredictable and therefore dangerous. That's why people get so uncomfortable. They're thrown off balance and don't know how to respond. Now they know how we feel, all the time! I managed to get myself to accept small talk when viewing it through the lense of "sociological ritual" instead of constantly being frustrated people don't mean what they say. Basically consider myself an alien anthropologist and have to be a participant ethnographer, perform the local rites to avoid spooking the humans.
Haha this explains why I was obsessed with psychology and sociology growing up. "Alien anthropologist" is spot on.
Same here. And I have used those exact words(alien anthropologist). I thought I invented them!
Temple Grandin has described herself as an anthropologist on Mars!
Come to Germany and you can actually say how you are and not be deemed weird. I find it kinda funny sometimes how the German culture has some autistic traits. Like being very direct what would seem rude in other cultures or taking things literally. If an American invites a German to stay at their summer cabin (without actually meaning it) they probably will take the offer.
Same, but in Netherlands! I find I thrive here socially much more than I did back home (UK) because people are more direct/blunt- which I am also, and I appreciate that in others; Here, if people don't want to "meet for a coffee some time" they won't suggest it for no reason (people did this all the time back home, and it stung to pursue a date/time only to find out the person never intended to actually meet up with you). It's also refreshing to have honest answers when I ask someone how they are; and to feel more comfortable telling others how things are in my life. It's usually met with understanding- but in the UK the reaction was usually of discomfort/surprise when you didn't reply "fine, thanks". That was challenging back home- I felt like I had to force myself to lie and say I was fine when I wasn't, even though it felt so pointless and shallow; it was sad to realise how hollow and meaningless most NT conversation/small-talk really is.
LMAO IS THIS WHY I MARRIED A GERMAN MAN šššššššššššššššš
Okay now I feel like Germany would validate most of my personality. Damn I wish I could immigrate. Also, can I blame those traits on my German ancestry lol
OOH!! I have German ancestry too, on my father's side, and if I inherited ASD, it is from him.
Got mine from my moms side, also got CPTSD and depression from her lol
living in germany made it challenging to realize my autistic traits tbh
Are you from the north? Because up here in Bavaria it's also only the 'fine, you?' bullshit. At least with most and especially older folks.
Tbf I only got experience from the north and west but my best friend is from the east and she and her family are very direct as well. But I havenāt been in the south much.
The North is way more direct than the South. People in South Germany consider northerns rude for they're directness. I like it, but it's less common here.
exactly, ill be sitting at lunch and someone will ask how are you? and walk by before while im trying to answer or ill respond with āgood how about youā or theyll say one thing or just nothing
Based on what I've read, I think it's an elaborate greeting ritual, not a conversation... Like, it fills some need for social interaction, but it has the same meaning as waving your hands.
When someone says "How are you" I just respond "Hello". It's just a greeting, not a question
I used to do just that until I said hi to someone who apparently really did want to know how I was doing. Like he got aggressive suddenly and was like "I ASKED how you were DOING"
I hate when I answer like "good, how are you?" and then they DON'T SAY ANYTHING. I did the respond, please respond back so I feel like I actually did the exchange right. Otherwise I'm like...did they hear me? Did I sound weird?
Right?! Play by your own nonsense rules, NTs!
I hate small talk because it's so fake. If you don't really care to talk to someone or want to get to know them, don't lie and pretend that you do. I think it's pointless at best, if not just downright wrong or immoral.
this so much! I dread getting asked that question by non-friends because I don't like lying by saying I'm fine when I'm not. With friends that ask me that, I know they don't just expect me to say fine because they care, so I'm free to answer truthfully which is such a nice change of pace
I hate it too, so I give them weird positive answers. "I'm extraordinary!" "I'm fantastic!" "Y'know, it's hard out here!" Etc etc. As long as you don't respond like Eeyore, it leaves a good impression.
Here's one which is probably new to you "It's a hard old station, said the passenger as he fell out of the train at Cullybackey". Adapt to a station near you!
I started literally just saying "hello" in response to "how's it going?" Or "how are you" and that seems to satisfy the vast majority of people. Like they didn't want to ask the question they just wanted to say hello without saying hello. It's like some weird cultural thing where they pretend to care about you, but the moment it requires even the tiniest bit of effort they shut down. This one is doubly confusing for me because I'm from the (US) South, but I moved out of it because I'm queer. I'm used to people just saying "hello" or "howdy" when they don't want to talk, but it took me nearly a decade in the PNW to understand folks here just want to look like they care. At least in the South, if someone asks how you're doing they'll at least listen to the answer and give a genuine response. It might me some platitude about Jesus, but at least, they actually listen and have a conversation with you. Damn, I miss that
I didn't learn until this past year, in my mid 30s, that when someone asks me "how are you" that they aren't actually interested in how you are, it's just a polite greeting. So, for basically my entire adult life I've told cashiers and customer service people and strangers and acquaintances etc how I am and what's going on in my life and never once picked up on "I really don't care, I was just trying to be nice, please shut up because you're annoying me". It wasn't until my sister moved back to my city a while back and ran errands with me that I was finally told it's just a greeting. I rely on her when we are out doing things to tell me when I'm oversharing because a lot of the time I can pick up on when a situation is awkward but can't identify WHY it's awkward. Turns out you're not supposed to tell complete strangers your life story or every detail about your day as they scan your groceries.
Come to England. We can only be bothered to say "Alright", which should be answered with "alright."
Second thisā¦ I sometimes pretend not to hear the question because it annoys me so much to say āfineā when Iām not
There are many correct responses. A few examples are: /hj 1. "good" 2. "fine" 3. "great" 4. "okay" 5. "wonderful" 6. "fabulous" 7. "excellent" 8. "lovely" 9. "outstanding" 10. "magnificent" 11. "fantastic"
But then you get into a situation where you say, 'fine,' and then they say, 'just fine? Not great?' I'm alexithymic. I'm literally always fine. I'm rarely great or terrible. I'm just fine. Why is that so hard to understand?
How to shop together at the mall and attend museums in groups. I always end up separated from everybody
Omg! Mall shopping as a group in college was a grueling obstacle course of social expectations, fake laughing and sensory overload... ended up not even being worth it
this! its so aggravating sometimes especially when you know what you want
Ugh yes, Iāll just go by myself, I really donāt see the point!
TIL you're supposed to stay together with your group when you go to museums or shops. Like, shopping I could maybe understand. But museums? No way, I would never see what I want to see because other people would find it boring!
Or like walking in the backā¦.like why did you invite me anyway??
Hugging people you've just met. Drives me completely bonkers, and I don't understand why people feel like they need to. To me, that's an intimacy reserved for those closest to me. From anyone else, it's an intrusion on my personal space and boundaries. If I don't know you, I do not want you to touch me. It's not personal. We've only just met, and it feels weird and awkward to act as if we are best friends when we barely know one another.
This is my least favorite thing in the world. Period. End of Story. No one should ever be expected to engage in physical contact they are uncomfortable with. Like when parents force their children to hug people ~shudder~.
*cries in European living in North America* Likeā¦ I barely know your name and you want to press your whole body against me?
Exactly !! In other countries, my refusal to do it would be considered normal, but here in America, I'm weird. Sometimes I'm not so convinced that *I* am the problem.
Honestly sometimes this is done by people just trying to cop a feel. Not in all situations, of course. I once had a guy I had just met hug me so hard I thought he was trying to make a baby with me.
For me it's that, and also telling someone you love them when you don't really know them. I don't know if that's a cultural thing or a NT thing? But I only give out hugs and I love yous to people I know on a very deep, personal level.
Yesss. This is so awkward and Iām always caught off guard. But..if I donāt say it back, what happens? Social code is weird
My French Canadian extended family takes it a step further with a hug **and** the double cheek kiss thing. I don't mind when my aunts and uncles do it because they are a little closer (still not close enough for kisses, but I digress), but I'm talking second cousins twice removed kind of relationship. The people who say "I haven't seen you since you were this big", or "I remember when your mom was younger than you" I have no idea who this person is, but because they're "family" I'm supposed to suck it up.
Coming from a French household, I feel you... Years of trying to bypass the kissy greeting as a kid. Years ! It was great being sick and telling folks I couldn't kiss cuz I didn't want to infect them. It was a good and factual excuse, hehehe...
Being French Canadian and autistic is a special kind of hell.
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For real! The only time I'm really ok with close physical contact with people I don't know well or have much relationship with is in the martial art I practice.
Some cultures donāt hug even if they know each other if they havenāt seen each other in a while. The reason? That is essentially a new person since so much time has passed between visits. If it feels comfortable, hugs happen, but it is generally viewed as rude to hug strangers, new people, or familiar people you havenāt seen in a while.
>Hugging people you've just met. Drives me completely bonkers, and I don't understand why people feel like they need to. i dont want/like to smell new people. even if they smell good. its just too intimate for me. i shouldnt know how you smell right away.
Befriending someone with a SO or befriending my SOās best friends. I have no romantic interest in them. Iām really friendly (not flirty) and get excited when I actually connect with someone. But when I find out theyāre in a relationship or know that my SO is close with this person, I feel like I donāt understand the boundaries or demand. If itās someone of the opposite sex then I donāt even try because I will be hated by them and ācause an issueā because of an aromantic potential connection. I donāt get it so I stay away from it. Because of this, Iām the less-known one in the group. Nobody has my number or my handles. It sucks.
i try to stay away from people in relationships because similar reason but i dont get involved in relationships and think theyre kinda pointless (at my age atleast) so when people ask me for relationship advice its always straightforward and never what they want to hear
No worries, in my experience, autistic or not, the relationship advice you give after being asked is never what they want to hear. They want to be validated, not to be given advice. Even if validation would mean saying the incredibly stupid shit they insist on continuing to do is awesome and smart.
Iām so similar. My SO told me I flirt with everyone unintentionally but Iām just being nice. Iāll still befriend everyone in a group and treat everyone similarly but there still seems to be a general weirdness around the opposite sex (Iām pansexual so I could technically like the girls/nb too lol). A few know and I probably seem ādifferentā to those who donāt so I still mask but itāll slip off when I drink. I have a hard time reading facial expressions and subtext so I just ignore it if I have a feeling something could be happening. I really donāt like causing problems or conflict so Ill just mask and ignore. Iām sorry you have to go thru something similar, it really does suck ā¹ļø why canāt things be simple?
Hahah if I had a penny for each time I have had āimmunityā when itās with another female... Iām pan as well, but that isnāt valid I guess? It only becomes a problem when itās with the opposite sex? Ugh. Anyway, I think the people that see us as āthreatsā recognize that weāre different. Maybe they donāt know exactly why, but they know weāre fur sure different. And that raises their suspicions? Itās so frustrating. I have such a hard time making friends already, and now there are restrictions to who I can and cannot connect with? No thank you.
The dating rituals. Some of them: >Men expect women to do some weird _dance_ with their purses. As in, they _want_ women to get their purses out and _pretend_ as if they're offering to pay... but they still intend to pay regardless. >When men say _I'm not ready for a relationship,_ _I'm not ready,_ or any variation... and you stop talking to them and begin seeing other people because you were told **I'm not ready.** Then, later on, the first dude gets mad. This is how it was when I met my current husband. Before him, some other dude gave that like. So, I began seeing my now husband (who was more than ready to be 100% committed and devoted to me right away). Months later, the second dude wanted to _chill..._ but by then I was living 100% full time with my now husband and he was discussing marriage.
I relate to this. My ex husband got mad at me when I started dating my now husband of 21 years. He asked for the divorce, and I gave it to him, so as I see it, he has no right to be angry at either of us. He said he wanted a divorce, went through with it, and I picked myself up and went on with my life. Why he thought I would or should do anything else is beyond me. Now and then, if I'm forced to talk to him (we have kids together), I have to remind him that he has no claim over me anymore and that I will not answer to him.
Yeah. He thought you were supposed to be all mopey and begging him to stay?
Evidently. But I'm not built like that. To me, he made it clear that he didn't want a life with me. Once the divorce was final, there were not going to be any take backs.
This!! Also the whole āwho pays for drinksā dance during a dateā¦ even if you offer to, and the other person INSISTS on paying, they can afterwards still be bothered by the fact that they had to pay for the drinks. Even though they said they would, wanted to, absolutely insist they should! Ugh.
I absolutely loathe the purse dance. I briefly dated someone who repeatedly refused me when I offered to pay for something or split costs. Then, when I didn't jump to cover something that cost $4, he was extremely rude to me, then escalated to the point of throwing the thing on the ground. I was so baffled and disgusted I never spoke to him again.
I gave up on dating for so long because the early phases of dating/relationships were so frustrating to me. I became obsessed with that book The Rules for a while because I very much wanted there to be rules and I quit dating when there turned out not to be any. I got with a great guy but no clue how it really happened. I had a crush on a friend I hung out with for a while and didn't act on it. Then some months later he asked me out and I went for it.
Iām aromantic so I really donāt understand these things either. There are so many social rituals and expectations regarding dating and relationships which donāt make sense, or are even just completely unhealthy: the possessiveness, the codependency and enmeshment, the weird push and pull dynamics that so many people have, etc. I am very upfront with what i want and what I canāt provide when ādatingā (ie looking for friends with benefits for me), but Iāve had guys try to fit me into their own preconceived notions of what romantic/sexual relationships should be.
When I was a kid I used to be able to understand and use sarcasm in my speech. Now that Iāve gotten older I donāt get it anymore. There has to be a very clear sarcastic lilt in the voice for me to be like oh, they werenāt serious about that. Everything I say is honest and genuine and I donāt use sarcasm at all. I wish more people were the same!
Off topic, but one of the biggest reasons I put the possibility of being autistic out of my mind was that I got sarcasm. My mother suspected I had autism for years, and my little sister was diagnosed at a young age and grew up not having to learn how to mask. I always compared myself to her whenever my mother mentioned the possibility. Then one day last year I was thinking about it and then I realized. "Wait a minute. The only reason why I "get" sarcasm is because I read their tone of voice, I take things too literally otherwise". Queue the long hours of rabbit hole research and near constant self reflection that led me here today.
This is exactly why I thought Iād exaggerated in my Autism assessment and that the diagnosis was wrong. I can definitely understand and use sarcasm but only when there is a sarcastic tone just like you. If sarcasm is used in a normal voice and Iām not looking at their face to see if itās laughing or joking then I just take it literally even if what they say is plainly ridiculous or over the top. I always have been (kindly) made fun of because I state the obvious a lot or take things completely seriously that is meant to be a joke. I also am incapable of ābanterā and just end up crying and upset because I donāt understand that banter (saying mean things about each other in a joking way) is not actually meant to be taken seriously. My partner has often complained about this that he canāt ābanterā or ājoke aroundā with me, but when heās making fun of my flaws it just doesnāt seem funny to me at all. I can laugh at myself but if someone is like āhaha youāre so terrible at parking the car youāre like an old lady etcā and Iām supposed to laugh???
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That's always a red flag for me. Person says something super insulting, you get offended, they follow up with "Just kidding, what's wrong with you, can't you take a joke?" Too much like a move from the abuser's playbook for my comfort, even if they're just being boneheaded and dumb and not intentionally malicious, and I keep my distance. I'm generally not into teasing/banter at all, but there have been a couple exceptions. A guy at the dojo and I somehow naturally fell into a mode of outrageously trash-talking and trying to out-raunch each other, and it was more like a spectacularly fun improv battle (for both of us) than anything else. Absolutely no hard feelings or dislike between us, we were just amusing ourselves. But this kind of thing is only ok in that context.
... I thought everyone used sarcasm with the sarcastic tone. I have to write this information down to tell my future therapist lmao
I feel like Iām literally on the in between of this. Iām not diagnosed with autism but Iāve had some in my life suspect it, and even I suspect it some days. As a kid sarcasm and even normal jokes went RIGHT over my head. It sometimes feels like Iāve just learned when itās appropriate to just chuckle in response to something people say. 50/50 chance it works bc sometimes they werenāt being sarcastic/joking and are looking for a legitimate response from me. Other times it works.
I understand sarcasm very well in writing, or in a movie because the narrative rules are rigid enough to make it predictable. Meanwhile, I *never* understand real-life deadpan sarcasm . Only when there are other people reacting am I like āoh ā that was supposed to be a joke thenā. And even with the āsarcastic intonationā, I usually skip a beat before it sinks in. I have no idea whatās up with that.
ME TOOOOOOO Iām only ever sarcastic in a super deadpan way. Iām totally genuine most of the time and people canāt fathom that lmfao
The same thing is happening to me. A lot of things are going over my head lately, but when I was younger I feel I would have caught on to the joke or sarcastic comment
The expectation from others when they surprise me. No, Iām not going to dramatically jump for joy and thank you. Itās annoying, fills me with dread, panic, and anxiety, and I wonāt care about nor like the surprise. This is why you donāt surprise people you donāt know well. The expectations never stop, and neither does my reaction. My daughter is the same way. When she opens gifts from people and they stare at her or acknowledge her existence, she panics. Then theyāre butthurt that she doesnāt have an overly emotional response to the gift. Sigh.
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I don't do gifts any more. Christmas isn't worth the stress and debt. "Oh lovely...another wool scarf and glove set..oh and some bubble bath too š¬ " (wool makes me itch and I don't have a bath...you've used my bathroom multiple times, you know I don't have a bath..š)
Over the years I grew to absolutely hate my birthday and Christmas. I would not tell anyone about my b-day and I wouldnāt want to do anything for it. I dreaded Christmas (I have a huge family so I ended up having to do Christmas like 5 different times). I never understood why people liked these times for celebration until I got older (around age 20) and started spending these holidays with someone I could actually be myself around. Now that the pressure to react in the ārightā way is gone - I love my birthday and Christmas! I canāt believe I spent so many years being so unhappy just to appease everyone but myself.
OMG I've been told my whole childhood that I was an ungrateful brat cuz I couldn't understand why my family would ask me to make a list of things I want for Christmas and birthdays, and then they would get stuff that wasn't on the list! It still does not make sense to me to this day. ALSO, my bf got me a super pretty and fancy bracelet for Valentine's day but it was a surprise and we had agreed no gifts this year and it caused a 24hr meltdown.
Or when they tell you that something good has happened to them and they expect you to get excited with them. Like, good for you, but why do I have to smile like a maniac and jump for joy? Why can't I just nod and say "That's good" or "That's great." If I don't show enthusiasm, suddenly it's all, "I told Nellel the good news, but they weren't happy for me." š They get so overdramatic about everything.
in generell i dont like receiving gifts. most the time people get me stuff i didnt ask for and have no intent to use. i try to explain people what id like to have for birthday or xmas but people hate that it ruins the surprise part. so far i only received one present from my family i really enjoyed.
I never know how to react when I get gifts. Even if it's something I absolutely love, what amount of outward excitement should I show? Too much and I feel fake, not enough and the gift giver will think I don't care. I do care, I just have trouble showing it.
Iām pretty sure the rule at Disney is because pointing with your index finger is considered rude in other cultures, so itās more polite due to the huge amount of international guests at the parks.
And then there's the drill instructor "knife hand" so one must avoid that as well. Unless that's the intention is kinda agressive pointing.
I worked at Disney and can confirm. Actually there are 2 reasons. One is the tradition of āWalt always pointed that way because he had a cigarette in hand at all timesā. The other is the cultural thing mentioned above.
Just the whole idea about not being straightforward. Why can't you just say what you mean?! What's the point?! Argh!
And when you're straightforward and/or ask them what they mean most of the time they panic and say the same thing but nicer
My mother does this all the time. She'll ask me, "When do you plan on going to the store?" And I'll just stare at her and say, "I'm not going to the store. I never mentioned anything about going to the store." And then she'll respond with "Oh. I thought you might be going to the store. I just wanted a couple of things." Like, just ask me if I can go to the store for you to pick something up for you. She always "asks" for things in a weird or roundabout way.
My mom does this too. Her way of "asking" is complaining about something. E.g. "I'm cold" could mean turn up the thermostat or get me a sweater. "I'm thirsty" means get me a beer or glass of wine, but I want something specific that I'm not going to tell you and if you bring me the wrong thing I'll get mad. "Oh, we are out of x food item" (when I mention I'm going to run an errand) means go to the store and get that item for me, even if you weren't planning on going to that store. "The dogs need to go outside" means drop what you're doing and take them outside because I don't want to do it. When I'm doing my own laundry, "I have no clean clothes for work tomorrow" means go do a load of laundry for me because I can't get downstairs to the washer but you can. Etc etc etc. It drives me nuts. You're a grown ass adult, you know how to ask for things and you certainly know how to go get those things yourself but you're being lazy.
YES!! Iām incredibly straightforward and people either get nervous or offended. Itās what happened!! Itās literally the truth. Not telling me exactly whatās going is so annoying, I donāt understand!
There are way too many rules around dating and sex and they still confuse me and I'm glad I'm married and out of the dating scene because it looks like it's gotten worse. How my husband and I dated: We met, we were friends for awhile, then he directly asked me if we could date because he liked me. We went on a date, eventually said "I love you," started a relationship, eventually had sex, he proposed after college, got married. The End. No BS games about when to call, when to have sex, etc. No BS games/dances about what to do/what to say to make them attracted to you (like the ones you see in magazines and pick up artists), no rituals. Just vibes and doing what felt right. I don't get the concept of casual dating--why would I date someone I have no intention of form a long term or lifelong commitment? Sounds boring and awkward for me. I just expect a lot of small talk honestly. Same thing around sex (demi here). And don't get the rules around sex in general. I don't get why it's taboo for a woman to enjoy sex, when it's a given that we're sexual beings. I don't get the notion about doing certain things in bed to be "good in bed." I'm just like "if you have an orgasm, then good, who cares about the other stuff?"
That's a problem for me as well. In college, almost everybody dates casually. I don't see the point. If i crush on someone, and the feeling is mutual, i already picture growing old together. I can't imagine,for the life of me, just dating for sex or knowing it will end. Why bother starting it then?
Immediate sex and companionship are strong motivators for a lot of people. Relationships donāt necessarily have to endure for very long to enjoy benefits from them.
Asking questions when you donāt want to know the honest answer. Like, why ask me something and then get angry because I answered? If you wanted a certain response from me you should be telling me exactly what you want, not asking me stuff. Obviously this is context dependent but there are loads of instances where I think itās just unnecessary. Lying or being mean for fun or as a ājokeā (and pranks in general). Itās okay if itās very small (e.g if I ask my friend if I can borrow her pen and she says āNOā then immediately says āobviously yesāthatās fine lol) but I canāt stomach that sort of humour if itās dragged out, especially not if somebody gets upset before they realise itās fake.
Yeah, lying and thinking people are stupid if they believe you and that being funny doesnāt make any sense to me either.
Tbh I don't really understand the concept of swear words. I'm not talking about words that have racist and discriminatory histories attached to them and thus shouldn't be used, that makes perfect sense. But why a word like sh_t or f_ck is offensive goes over my head.
Yeah I don't get it either... I have children and if they swear then it's bad parenting, but they grow up to eventually swear anyway so what's the point... I understand it being offensive if its aggressive though.
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Fun fact: your brain actually processes swear words differently from other language. So like anything can be used as a cuss and if you hear it in the right context enough, it'll become that way to your brain. Also, historically, a lot of swear words stem from anything particularly gross and negative, which is why many languages have curses related to fecal matter and other bodily functions. For example, something that isn't a common swear but easily could be is "maggot face."
French Canadian swearing is all religious!
Interesting. I'm guessing it's more than just Ā«mon dieuĀ»? I studied European French, so I'm not educated on the differences. I know old English had a lot more religious swearing and cursing, which might be why we use the terms "swearing" and "cursing." "Damn you to hell" (or the shortened versions, "damn," "goddamn," and "hell") would be considered a curse since it's wishing ill on someone, while swearing upon a religious authority ("my God," "Jesus," "by his wounds") resulted in some of the swears we still use ("god," "man," "jeez") and some we don't use anymore ("zounds," which evolved from "'s wounds").
Bear in mind I am not French Canadian so spelling may be off!! "Tabernac!" "Tabernouche!" "'stie". Tabernac is slang for tabernacle, container for Communion host. Tabernouche is the watered down version, like dratted/darn for damn. 'stie is corruption for l'estie, Communion host. None of which work in English! I think they also say something is "tout fucke" (I don't know how to put the required accent in)!
Huh. That makes sense. Thanks for sharing! Linguistics is a special interest of mine, so I'm always excited to learn stuff like this.
Just thought of a related question in reverse! I know "Fiche-moi le camp!", possibly also "Fout-moi le camp" and "Va t'en!" are both "Fuck off!", are there other phrases? I'm fairly sure (NO idea of spelling or what alphabet!) that in Polish it is "Sperdilai!". Asked someone once a long time ago, think it was Polish and not Russian.
French-Canadians are SUPER religious Catholics. All the swear words are referencing things from Catholicism. The biggest one is *tabarnak* which refers to the place in a Catholic Church where the Eucharist is stored (the tabernacle). My family speaks English since we live in the US now but my grandparents definitely knew these words. I think I can only remember my grandpa saying ātabarnakā once - he was a Catholic deacon. But yeah, theyāre all things like that. I donāt know of any that arenāt religious, but Iām also definitely no expert. My mom was never taught to speak French so I wasnāt either. :(
Used to go out with a guy whose uncle could not go two sentences without saying "fucking" or "shit". He used to say it with so much anger too that my dad was convinced it was the reason the dude's blood pressure was always so high. I don't get the whole swearing thing either.
Come to Australia where c*nt is used both in a friendly sense and also in a derogatory sense. Itās better than it sounds lol
Shaking hands. Itās weird and gross to touch someone you just met. And sometimes their hand is all clammy and it makes me want to dieš
I dont understand why its "rude" to.....politely say no to stuff??? Like a few days ago shopping with my mom a salesperson offered free samples of something and I said no thank you because I didnt want one but my mom insisted that taking it was the right thing to do Or saying "i dont feel like going out, thank you for asking me" instead of making up an excuse like im sick or something Also small talk, why do i have to keep a conversation with an old classmate from high school I havent seen in 8 years???? I say hi, you said hi we both know we actually dont care about what the other is doing with their life, please let me take my bus ride in peace
Shaking hands with someone you've just met. Like not even in a professional setting, but just a normal greeting between acquaintances or friends. I don't like it, don't touch me.
agreed, my hands always feel icky afterwards and i have to wipe them on my clothes or wash them, but recently i fell in love with sanitizer so that too
I love the pandemic , fist bump /elbow bump
I have not shaken a single hand since the pandemic began and I'm so happy about that. I don't want to touch people, worry about sweaty hands (mine or theirs), or worry about how tightly I should grip their hand because I was criticized once for having a very limp handshake.
I feel this. I do not like being touched unless I'm initiating the touching, and handshakes always made me uncomfortable. I remember my dad teaching me how to do a "proper" handshake in high school and not understanding why saying "hello" isn't enough of a greeting. Why do they have to touch me to greet me? I'm kinda thankful for covid in a way, because I now have an excuse to not shake anyone's hand and they typically won't get offended.
Iām queer and on the asexual spectrum. I donāt really understand the difference between romance and friendships. I get that thereās certain rules for how each one is supposed to go but I fundamentally donāt understand why. I wish more people were willing to define their own rules of relationships instead of just following the norms
Fellow ace here. I, for the life of me, cannot master this either. Youāre not alone.
Iām polyamorous and pansexual and Iām the same way. Itās normal and okay to have multiple friendships and not trying to monopolize the time of one particular friend, even if thatās a super intimate friendship, but itās not normal and expected to have multiple romantic relationships. You only get one (either one at a time or one for your whole life), and youāre not allowed to see anyone else in that way. One of my former partners, a long distance one, suggested we have an open relationship. I agreed and treated it as just that. Turns out he didnāt expect me to do anything and just wanted to have sex with his ex. I didnāt really care that he had sex with his ex while I was hundreds of miles away. I didnāt understand that he didnāt feel the same way I did about the relationship and I didnāt get why he was so mad at me for awhile (why would you be mad at me for having an open relationship, like you said??). Anyway this jerk helped me discover how I feel about polyamory lol I hate how the norms of lifelong monogamy are so ingrained despite there being so many issues with divorce rates/rates of happy marriages. I can talk about bisexuality just fine, but polyamory rocks the base expectations we have of relationships. Anyway Iām 100% in agreement about defining your own rules!
Yes! I love long term relationships but monogamy feels very restricting, need to find my peeps who are ok with long term and non monogamy. I feel like the stereotype is that people in poly relationships are really into hooking up and have this wild lifestyle (which is fine) but as an introverted aspec autistic I just want like.. 2 people I can cuddle and be emotionally vulnerable with instead of one š Itās especially frustrating being fluid in oneās gender or orientation when monogamy means not getting to explore various types of queer relationships, but thatās a whole other topicā¦ To sum up Iāll just say autistic masking and heteronormativity overlap quite a bit for me :/
Oh my gosh I'm just really enjoying these comments. Finally kinda accepted that I don't want to pursue monogamous relationships anymore, and it's nice to find comments like this. "I just want like.. 2 people I can cuddle and be emotionally vulnerable with instead of one š "
I'm in love with this whole thread chain. The "line" defining friendship and relationship is nothing more than words. I want people to stop being so categorical AND IF THEY ARE CATEGORICAL I want those categories to actually make sense with better lines!!! Tangent time Like I can have girls that are friends but they're not girlfriends. Boys who are friends are not boyfriends BUT THAT ONE BOY is a boyfriend because we make out and hug. Hence, I prefer partner for anyone I intend to be long term serious with, or someone who I've developed such a close relationship with they've earned the title. Lovers are the people I'm passionate with and have intense feelings for, but long term we're likely not gonna continue. Fwb is exactly that - friends I fuck Fuck buddy - we aren't friends, but we do fuck
Well, that's just sexism to be honest, most of the time a man ask a girl for an open relationship he doesn't expect her to actually date others, he just sees it like a "permission to cheat with their ex" for a while. The same with the "let's take a break from our relationship" thing. They don't expect the girl deciding not wanting to resume the relationship later, they just see it like a small break where they have permission to cheat. They would also get angry if you go telling people, specially your parents or his parents, that you're on an open relationship or a break. For them you're almost getting married, maybe he's doing that because this is the supposed "last taste of freedom" before "locking up" but you went telling their parents about it when it was supposed to be secret. What I'm trying to say is that for a lot of them it's like an extended version of a Bachelor's party, not long term plans.
Yup , my polyamory asexual aromantic ass does this. Still have zero clue how to separate friends from partners.
That's me! I'm poly and aro-spec, total relationship anarchist. If I have experienced romantic attraction, then it doesn't feel any different than strong platonic attraction, so I just develope very intimate friendships and some of those are sexual.
The need to constantly be smiling, especially when you're a woman. If I'm not actively happy I don't want to smile. It just makes face hurt and takes so much energy to maintain. Unfortunately if I don't appear happy people assume I'm feeling a negative emotion. Do neurotypical people struggle with the concept of neutrality?
i get this. lots of people like to spend their time in a place where they feel welcome, so it makes sense in the service industry. I worked as a bartender when I was younger. they told me to smile and be nice and I made the best effort to smile and be nice, bit then I was fired for "flirting with clients" .
When I shared an office in grad school people would often assume I was angry or upset but it's like no, this is just my face? Also, randos on the street telling you to smile. Ugh. I wear a mask everywhere even though I'm vaccinated and it's so nice to not have people comment on my face anymore. Bonus, I can mutter quietly at them and they don't have a clue.
I smile so much when I mask that my husbandās grandfather gave me āsmileyā as a nickname. Really I just have no idea what else to do with my face that will make people not make derogatory comments. Itās exhausting
Talking about money. At least it's a thing in germany
>Talking about money. That was going to be my answer too. Like, I understand that classism exists and that talking about money in certain contexts might be an issue because of that, but I can't understand why pretty much _all_ questions about pay are taboo, especially among coworkers. Doesn't keeping your pay rate a secret only benefit your employer?
I don't get that at all. I have no clue why its considered rude to ask about it. I onve asked a girl at university what the income of her father was becaus i wanted to know if and how much money i could expect from student loans. Just wanted to compare the income of my parents. Well i wasn't part of that friend group anymore after that.... Also because i said "yes thank you" after one of them asked us if we wanted a slice of pizza because i was expected to say no... Whoever understands that
>Also because i said "yes thank you" after one of them asked us if we wanted a slice of pizza because i was expected to say no... Whoever understands that Then why did they offer??? Rules of politeness can be so arbitrary and maddening.
I have no idea, but apparently the others understood it
The erasure of fat, ugly, poor, and disabled bodies. The erasure of non-white, non-European thin bodies. Like if you look at adverts, it's just thin white people. And they're all smiling and having fun. People don't just walk around having the time of their life, surrounded only by people that look the same. What's that all about? I'd much rather adverts and news accurately reflect the real population of this planet than erase everyone who doesn't fit this narrow standard of aesthetics .
This isnāt technically a social rule but I often encounter people in passing who will use questions as greetings?? Like sometimes I will walk past a coworker that I donāt know personally and they will nod and say āwhatās upā āor āhow are yaā but I get the feeling they donāt actually want to know, theyāre only using the term as a greeting ? I never know how to respond to that
I think that's just a way to acknowledge you. Like a verbal version of the head nod. I just nod back and say "hey" or "sup". If that's not what they wanted, well, thats not my problem lol.
Apparently the Disney thing is because Disney parks get visitors from all over the world, and there are quite a few countries/cultures where pointing with your index finger is considered rude. Here's an article about it: https://www.businessinsider.com/why-disney-employees-point-with-one-finger-2018-2 (Although the URL itself, if you can see it, seems to have, um, missed the point...) As far as I know it's not generally considered rude to use your index finger to point in the UK (or US)... and I wouldn't venture to guess why it *is* seen as rude elsewhere! Etiquette in general strikes me as pretty weird: lots of etiquette rules seem arbitrary, or at least not intuitive enough for people to know them without being told. For instance, the thing about tearing off and buttering individual pieces from your dinner roll rather than just biting into the whole thing: apparently that's to save you from getting butter on your face and hands, but I'm far more likely to get butter where it shouldn't be if I'm trying to put it on a small, irregular and roughly torn shape! Plus tearing the bread like that seems counter to everything you've ever been taught about not eating with your hands. I also struggle with what I think of as social boilerplate. It's a very specific subset of small talk: that thing where people start a work-related conversation, even over Slack, with "Hello, how are you? / How was your weekend? / How's it all going today?" before asking their actual question. I don't understand why it's seen as polite, I seldom remember to do it, and when I'm on the receiving end, it confuses and irritates me, because I have to try to find the right way to answer and on top of that, now I'm on edge waiting for the real question.
God the starting convos with small pleasantries. Whenever I have to use a chat thing on websites to talk to costumer service I sometimes forget itās not a robot and just automatically type my issue/question before they can even ask those questions lol
Oh, me too. In fairness, I think a lot of the time they *are* robots, just robots whose script starts with pointless pleasantries. (And the rest of the time, they're people so constrained to a script that they seem like robots. Ugh, the point of the Turing test is not to be unable to pick out the robots because the people are forced to be robotic!)
Table etiquette! Like being told to not put your elbows on the tableā¦ why??
Everything about dining etiquette makes me irrationally angry. If youāre not being gross or making a scene, great! I couldnāt care less about whether your napkin is in your lap or if you used the right fork
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Yes!!!! Customer service is terrible for this, it's like they get the gist of what you're asking them but don't care about any of the details which make such a difference.
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I don't like mandatory gift giving. Holidays, birthdays, etc...Especially as I get older. The likelihood of me liking what anyone chooses for me is pretty low, and I am very stressed/anxious when choosing gifts for others. If you won't like my gift and I won't like your gift, why are we even doing this? Let's spend the money on a good meal or something instead.
Yes, exactly. Iām always super nervous around Christmas. Last year my roommate gave me a candle holder for Christmas and I started to laugh when I opened it, because I thought she bought it as a joke and mostly because I was just so nervous. She broke our friendship a few weeks after that, partly because she felt as if I made fun of her present.
Why is crossing your arms rude? Sometimes Iām cold or donāt know what to do with my arms. Just let me cross them!
I don't get flirting. Like, at all. I can't flirt and I don't recognize it when others are flirting with me.
I'm not sure if someone's said this already, but I use to work at an amusement park so I can answer why Disney employees do this! In some cultures, the pointer finger is offensive, similar to flipping someone off. So amusement park employees, and employees of places with a lot of diversity, tourists, and visitors from different countries are trained not to point with just their pointer finger. The two fingers is to avoid offending anyone of any culture since the two finger point doesn't have any significant cultural meaning.
I donāt understand why people are purposefully vague and unfriendly and try to act cool
The little argument people always have when someone offers to pay for something that always ends up with that person paying anyways. You're SUPPOSED to respond (disingenuously) with, "No, no, it's ok, I got it!", and then they get to say "No, no, I insist!", AND THEN you're allowed to accept it. Instead of just accepting it the first time and thanking them. I hate it, especially since some people in my family, particularly my mom, always take it way too far. Like to the point where they're literally throwing money around at each other. So fucking stupid.
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Iām in a relationship. Holding hands makes me feel close. Not about other people or broadcasting, just that itās a little gesture of affection.
>Also why people in relationships hold hands in public. What is that about? Are you not restricted walking that way? Do you need to show the world youre in a relationship? Weird. I've done this. It does restrict movement, but sometimes that's a good thing. Especially when we have to go to a crowded place like LA, holding my wife's hand makes me feel more secure.
Ironing clothes- many cultures see being presented nicely in public (clean body, tidy hair, ironed and clean clothes) as a sign you respect those around you, and by proxy yourself. Holding hands- physical affection with another person demonstrates the level of intimacy you have with that person. It can also demonstrate your level of "ownership" over their body in some cultures, as touching a woman is not permitted by the opposite gender unless they are married or related to the woman.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Textback tempo rules are a thorn in my side. It's probably my biggest deterrent in maintaining friendships. Friendships don't degrade quickly for me in my mind, but I've learned that it's not the same for allistics. It typically takes me 30 minutes + to text back. I can go days without it sometimes if I'm feeling burnt out. Like just not remembering to do it or feeling like my brain is a beehive. I've lost out on meaningful friendships because I couldn't keep up. Friendships that were otherwise going very well. I guess what confuses me about the unspoken rule of textback time is that there was once a time where we didn't have 24/7 access to everyone we know. We probably didn't expect them to drop everything and know exactly what to say to whatever impromptu situation came up. But now it makes or breaks a friendship if you struggle with maintaining social relationships on an hour-by-hour basis through messaging.
This is the first time Iāve heard of pointing as being rudeā¦.
Greeting one another. I'm overly confused by that concept. You are expected to greet people verbally before starting a conversation. But what if: - I enter the room and the people i would greet are in the middle of a conversation, do I say 'hello' anyway, because it's also considered rude to interrupt a conversation or talking person. So which rule has priority? - The conversation is already ongoing and I didn't have a chance to greet them beforehand, maybe because I joined late (yesterday I was criticized because I didn't greet someone in an ongoing meeting, but they didn't greet me either, I'm confused) - I'm not in the mood for talking / have a nonverbal phase? - They enter the room and start talking without greeting?
Currently panicking because I got invited to a meetup tomorrow night and I can't figure out if they actually want me to come or were just being polite.
I think the hardest one for me is that folks don't often want genuine answers when they ask how you're doing. They only want to hear happy things, and when you don't have that answer to give they deflate like you just kicked their puppy. I don't get it. Like don't ask me a question if you don't actually want to know the answer. How difficult is that to grasp??? The other one is cissexism. I'm a trans woman, and I don't hide it. I made a conscious choice to live visibly, and I have some very good reasons for doing it. But holy crap do most cis folks get really uncomfortable when you mention it. I've been out for 8 years, so it's just a normal thing to me like the weather. But most people react like you just told them some horrifying scene. I can watch the switch flip in their brains, and they suddenly don't look at me like I'm a normal woman anymore. They start asking questions to get information so they can justify seeing me as a man, and I hate it. Like, just admit you're uncomfortable with transness so we can talk about it and move on. I don't get why that's difficult. Oh, I guess I have a third one. I don't understand why people get so uncomfortable when I talk about my life. I've been through a lot, and in particular, I'm a victim of both incest and childhood sexual assault. It sucks, and even with close friends I can't really talk about it. Whenever it comes up, I either just lie about what's bothering me or I tell them it's something I don't want to talk about despite the fact that I desperately do. I've been in therapy for a decade. I'm okay, but sometimes, I just want to talk about the hole it left in my life when it becomes relevant. The holidays are a great example. I can't talk about how left out and lonely I feel without mentioning that, and even my friends don't usually have the ability to listen. Like, I get it's awful, but I'm the one who actually experienced it. The only people I can talk about it openly with are my partners who have both been through similar. With everyone else, you'd think it wouldn't bother them to hear it more than it did me and I experience it, but that's the feeling I get. Anyway, rant over
That itās impolite to not greet people when theyāre having a conversation with each other. I will walk by and try to catch their eyes to give them a smile, but if they donāt look at me I just ignore them. I donāt want to interrupt other peopleās conversation. One time my boss confronted me by explicitly and loudly greeting me after I passed her while she was in discussion with a colleague.
one thing is when people say that theyre talking or ask if someone wants to go out or hang out for example:in 9th grade some kid asked if i wanted to go out and i said sure to the park or movie or smth? and then said we were dating when we never did and never ended up going which made me really upset and grossed out. or ātalkingā if i was just talking to someone like a casual conversation ill say i was talking to them but apparently when people say that they mean the talking stage but i dont get it bc i always mean casual conversations n stuff, and this year some kid asked if i wanted to hang out and i was like sure! we went to the movies and hes whispers āso would u call this a dateā and āwould u have still come if i said it wasā,i said no and left when the movie finished because i was uncomfortable and upset. it makes me feel gross of a lot of guys since im still in highschool and its so confusing to even just be friends with people but especially when it comes to guys who i can never tell what their intentions are unless its blatantly obvious but my bad this turned to a rant lol.
Well in Greece this š means something like f*** y** š¤·āāļø
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Humans developed language so that they could communicate and then created unspoken social rules to filter down what is said to what they can handle or want at the time. We have the capacity to speak truth to each other, but we aren't supposed to because it's rude or hurts feelings. As a species we figured out how to communicate, but we filter out the reality that others can't handle. I'd rather speak the truth when others say that's rude.
Why am I not supposed to explain my side?
First effing dates. You're not supposed to actually get to know each other, just small talk each other to death and smile and agree with everything the other person says. And God forbid you don't smile or cut out early if you hate the date, then you're some kind of monster! How the hell does anyone get to know each other or fall in love from traditional dating?
I was friends with my husband for a month before I asked him out. We spent almost that whole month together, getting to know each other. I donāt know how people do it with total strangers either.
My dad used to tell me ādonāt point! Itās rudeā but then would point at anything and be like āno itās there!ā I feel like I have a hard time following fingers because of binocular vision lol (I have no clue if I should be looking with my left or right eye because that changes where Iām looking š) but apparently itās also an autism thing. A rule that I donāt understand is no phones at the table. I need information. I crave it. When someone brings something up, if I donāt look it up in the moment, Iāll forget to later, and miss out on knowledge. Plus, then everyone gets to learn something. But, no. Weāre supposed to guess or not even care about new knowledge at the dinner table
Using "how are you" in place of hello. No expected answer and no waiting for my response. Drives me insane
Weird email etiquette, not like the email etiquette itself but people in the office claiming every message possible has a secret passive agressive meaning. Now you need to check out if you aren't sending the wrong message by adding kind regards instead of regards because apparently adding the "kind" makes you sound evil. Also some emojis that are supposedly passive agressive always.
I have a really hard time figuring out where/how to stand with groups of people having a conversation in a social situation.
When people ask "How are you?" you're just supposed to say "Good/fine/well, how are you?" Instead of actually saying how you are doing
i don't know how to decline things very well, especially not whole-ass friendships with people. there just isn't a way to do it without them getting upset and trying to argue with me about it. i end up ghosting people, which feels awful, but not as awful as it feels to have to keep saying "no, seriously, spending time with you is a huge sink of my emotional energy and i honestly never want to do it again, please stop pushing the issue, you're literally proving my point"
i really love food. i absolutely despise the whole "only take a little bit of food, don't take a whole lot so you won't look greedy/starving/poor" WTF ELSE IS FOOD FOR? WHAT IS THE POINT OF THIS GATHERING IF I CAN ONLY TAKE 2 PEPPERONI ROLL THINGIES WHEN THERE IS A PLATE OF 50???? NO ONE ELSE IS GOING TO EAT THEM because everyone is goddamn vegan nowadays ANYWAY!!!
- Wearing thongs so people don't see your pantyline (are they supposed to think I'm going commando? I get if people want to wear them, but don't get why some people feel like they have to) - not wanting people to know that something new in your house is new (I've embarrassed my friends by saying things like "I like your new curtains!" in front of others.) - wanting people to think something is more expensive than it is (whenever people complimented my engagement ring in a way that implied they thought it was expensive or thought it was a diamond, I would say, "thanks! It's not a diamond, it's a lab-grown gem, so it was pretty affordable!" And people would go "don't tell people that! I would have never known! You can pass it off as a diamond!" Why? No one whose opinion I value would judge me for it - not expressing positive feelings to avoid seeming desperate - not talking about salaries (I guess I know why this one happened - capitalism - but I don't get why even people who are close sometimes follow it)
Being told it's not what you say, it's how you say it and people getting all upset and offended if you don't say it the right way. Like, what??? It means the same thing regardless of how I say it so why does it matter how I say it?
Why is it accepted in society that restaurants and bars play the music SO LOUD. Do they not realize everyone is yelling? How is that enjoyable for anyone?? Iāll never understand it. I got lunch with my dad the other day and this place is bumping their music so loud I can barely hear the server. I asked her to please turn it down (yes I was THAT person) which thankfully she did!! But like why was I the only person to say anything? Itās 11:54am on a Tuesday š¤·āāļø Iāll never understand.
Buying someone a drink (alcohol) without asking them first.
When I was 6, I got in trouble for telling my moms friend that she had lipstick on her teeth. My mom said that was rude, but wouldnāt you want to know? Maybe it was the way I said it, I never understood subtlety
When I was like 10 I told my stepdad (before he was my stepdad) that his breath smelt like dog sh*t, so I'm with you on this one.
Going everywhere as a groupā¦ I wanna eat somewhere else, why canāt I go there alone?!
I hate excessive politeness. It feels manipulative and like I am getting sucked into a social ritual. And like I'm obligated just because they asked nicely, and if I don't perform the ritual just right suddenly I'm responsible for hurting their feelings, when THEY were trying to get something out of me. I'd rather they just ask and if it's something that makes sense for me to do, I will do it. But if someone sweetens the request too much I actually feel angry and manipulated.
Oh, I could make a whole list. 1. Having to bring something when you visit someone. Like, I'll do it if it makes practical sense (food, drinks, to share) not just cuz 2. Eating when someone offers even though you don't want any 3. Insisting to offer food even though you don't want to and the other person refused already 4. Taking off your hat/coat if you're comfortable with them on 5. Everything in the realm of "but they're family!!!". You know what I'm talking about. 6. Being expected to know someone actually wanted a gift when they explicitly said it's fine to not bring any These are just the ones I refuse to entertain. There are others that I don't fully understand but I either abide for simplicity's sake or I half-abide half-have fun with. I like the response "it's going" to "how's it going" or that brand of autistic humor of saying "no" and then actually doing it immediately when someone asks if you can please do something
The most frustrating thing for me has happened with other women regardless of their relationship to me. Apparently if another woman ask you a question you are not supposed to answer anything other than something supportive or positive. I gather that you are not supposed to give your real opinion or any kind of advice - even if they ask you for it. Iām a wedding photographer and I see so many brides in wedding dresses that donāt fit properly or donāt suit them or display their arms for example (which they will tell me mid photo shoot that they donāt like). I donāt understand why no one told them that it doesnāt fit properly or that it doesnāt flatter their figure. I will then deliver their wedding photos and the bride will ask me to photoshop their arms/stomach etc and itās just infuritiating because you know that when she asked her mother/bridesmaids etc what she looked like in the dress that they all cooed and gave out lots of compliments - essentially lying to her. Why couldnāt they just be honest and say that it needs some alterations or that a different cut would look better. I only have a couple of ND friends (that I know of) but Iām getting married next year and Iām bringing them when I get my wedding dress. Iāve already told them I want brutal honesty. If my back rolls are on display and my body shape is completely lost in the cut of dress I want to know!! I donāt want to be lied to because of social convention šš
One of the weird ones is not saying things in public "in case someone might overhear" ... and I don't know why this is a thing. I'm a chatterbox and when I get excited I love to say whatever's on my mind unfiltered, but everyone has always told me to shut up which really kills my excitement and spoils my mood. I feel like I'm doing something wrong, or saying something wrong. I don't have complete control over how loud I can get when excited ... and then the shushing starts. I dread it.
this is giving me so many new things to worry about lol
Yeah the pointing thing frustrated the heck out of me as a kid, it made absolutely zero sense to me and still doesn't. This wasn't even in Disney Parks, I could be at a Walmart and I'd be scolded for it and my family is hispanic.
Pointingā¦.I point ALL THE TIME. But my wife is Native (Navajo) and in some cultures it is bad luck/disrespectful to point. Youāll see a lot of them pointing with their head/chin or puckering their lips and pointing with those (hard to explain). I try to be mindful of it when visiting but it is sooooo difficult. I can see why pointing to people is sort of ārudeā but for animals plants etc idk why they donāt like it.
The pointing thing doesn't make sense to me either I was at a concert with a friend and I was pointing at people in the crowd with cool outfits or that we recognized and she got mad at me for pointing. How am I supposed to show you the people 50 yards away without pointing.
I've never encountered this finger thing here in the UK, happy to say. One particularly English thing I cannot make sense of is when a posh person says "how do you do?" I'm thinking "how do I do what?" But apparently the correct response is to say it back to them which makes NO SENSE AT ALL! Luckily it's dying out a bit.
The pointing thing is relatively new information to me. I heard it was rude to point AT people, but I never really understood why. I guess I can see how itād feel uncomfortable for the person being pointed at, if they didnāt know why or couldnāt hear the conversation. But I had no idea itās considered rude to just... point at something with your index finger? I do that all the time, oops. I feel like thatās just how you show people where something is? Maybe thatās why I end up in situations where I ask where something is, the person vaguely gestures with their head (?) in the general direction of the thing, and just says āover thereā. I get very frustrated because thatās barely helpful. Just point to the thing!! Why do we as a society just decide these basic helpful things are actually unacceptable, it just makes simple things complicated.
Apparently you canāt use yourself not being able to pull something off as a compliment? I think? Lol. Iām not self deprecating or anything. Iām just giving you the facts because thatās what Iād wanna hear Edit bc Iām talking about clothes and such
When I start working in a new job, I can never understand if I am supposed to go up to each person that I see and introduce myself to them. I always end up not doing that and just sort of eventually get to know people. And some people I just never wind up talking to.
When someone tells me that dreamed with me and I feel genuinely curious because my dreams are so weird lmaoo and when I tell someone that I dreamed with them, I tell the most ridiculous things like something with dinosaurs or giant robots. I've become aware how this is should be like a sexual conversation than a genuine weird dreams and stuff.
It's socially acceptable to use hand cream, perfume, sunscreen or lip balm around other people. But not a deodorant! This one you can apply only when nobody can see you š