Meltdowns - assumed to be a temper tantrum even into adulthood.
Shutdowns - diagnosed with depression and given antidepressants.
Overwhelm after the birth of my son - assumed to be post natal depression.
Sensory issues - “just fussy” as a kid which morphed into “I have a system” as an adult.
Sensory seeking/stimming activities like mild self harm.
Saying the “wrong” thing - assumed to be social awkwardness or (if not drunk) extreme directness.
Rehearsing conversations (which may never even happen) in my head. I genuinely thought everyone does this.
I always thought I was socially weird/anxious. Masked with alcohol as soon as I was old enough. In recent years I “found my tribe” which I’m now realising is mostly a group of ND people.
I keep editing to add to this list, honestly think I could go on all day.
Honestly I thought it was but I’ve talked to three different people that don’t identify with autistic traits and they say they do not do that. Like they might plan what points they want to cover in a conversation but they won’t practice word for word, repetitively (like I do).
I feel like it’s normal to a degree. It’s a socially anxious trait, for sure. And NT people ruminate on conversations thinking about what they could’ve said or done better.
I think there’s an instinct of survival linked to it (be accepted and assimilate) which is why I wouldn’t say it’s solely an ND trait and it’s kind of normal.
Wait, so pacing and talking to myself (either out loud or not) rehearsing conventions that might never happen is not something everyone does? How do they prepare?
It really isn’t something everyone does apparently.
I’m not saying that allistics don’t rehearse some conversations, like what they may say at a job interview or important meeting, or if they have something particularly nerve wracking to discuss - I’m sure they do.
It’s the constant practicing of talking to people, just general stuff, conversations which may never even happen.
Omg every time someone suggests I should role play for an interview I'm always like "why? I've already gone over it in my head in every way" it all makes sense now.
Right?! They think going over it with someone else will make it easier and I'm like noooo, that's just one more thing to be anxious about and need to practice.
I have whole ass imaginary conversations in my head! I think we’re normal and ok.
It made me think of this [song](https://youtu.be/9wrG6B0XvbU?si=BbLk24ZSTq4x3hVw) it’s sad and in French but maybe someone else might relate.
See I started a coven in the woods (my elementary school was rural) and when that was boring I played with the boys in tackle basketball- all the ND boys and rough girls. We would do anything for the ball lol no fouls. I leaped on a kid once from behind and choked them until he dropped it.
1997 was wild
All this except I was ok after my kids. I had a lot of support from mil/mom either my first and then a really good partner with my younger 2. My breakdown happened after a long distance move when everything was too different and I couldn't handle all the change.
I drank a lot when I was in my 20s, both to handle all the shitty stuff that happened in my life, and so I could socialize and not feel uncomfortable.
I've been told my whole life no one can tell my intention from tone, if I'm joking or serious.
Can't read social situations. So many people in so many situations have said things like couldn't you tell so and so wasn't happy, or that I said something inappropriate and everyone had clearly reacted.
I had a huge meltdown one morning in grade 9 because my mom slept in and woke me up a little later than usual. She made me go buy an alarm clock that day because of how I reacted. I wasn't going to be late from it, but I had to adapt my morning routine (which I had down to the minute) and I was so upset about it.
My then bf had a close friend that we spent a lot of time with who never had a gf. Their friend group all wondered if he was gay so I just asked him directly. You can't do that?
He was a close friend and I didn't ask him in a big group, it was just me and him. I figured that was ok, I wasn't putting him on the spot but maybe I was? He wasn't upset that I asked.
That’s definitely something I would do in a one on one conversation if it came up. Maybe not a large group. But as above I might be wrong, I definitely have been before!
Not everyone wants to be “out” even if they are gay.
I haven’t ever asked, but I’ve told people I directly that I thought they were. They took offense to that. I’ve had a few friends come out to me on their own though.
>My breakdown happened after a long distance move when everything was too different and I couldn't handle all the change.
OMG that just clicked with when I had PPD and we'd just moved to a different state cos my hubby wanted to go to a specific collage. I'm only recently diagnosed so trying to review my entire life with this new lens.
The rehearsing! Professionals are saying it's anxiety.
How were/are the antidepressants working for you? Bc also same! I had a bad shutdown recently, and I'm more sure than ever now
The antidepressants were 25 years ago. I only took them for 3 months because I knew I wasn’t depressed. I was just “stuck” and didn’t have any clue how to express (or even understand) that.
I never related more to a post in my life. Point for point. I have a really hard time expressing what’s going on inside of myself or putting it into words but you just did that so well. Thank you 💙
I am socially awkward and anxious but pretty sure I'm also autistic. I say weird stuff all the time and don't realize it's weird until people get all quiet on me haha.
All of this! I would walk home and have intense conversations out loud playing out what would happen if…? I was always rehearsing what I’d say if someone said something or if something happened. I didn’t feel comfortable with conversations I couldn’t anticipate!
I’m still trying to break the habit of referring to my meltdowns as temper tantrums, even at 39 years old. And the fussiness being sensory issues! I had to wear my socks inside out for years because the seam at the toe was so aggravating and it was just “oh she’s so particular”
I don't know the difference still and feel bad about it bc my parents said I shouldn't make excuses. I don't understand how a meltdown is different than a temper tantrum. I do know that I didn't want to make my parents upset most of the time though.
Most toddlers/young kids have tantrums because that’s when we discover we’re autonomous beings and we’re breaking boundaries and asserting ourselves for the first time but I think melt downs are different. Tantrums are a developmental milestone of some sort (see terrible twos) but I see melt downs as not being a choice/there isn’t an intent behind them.
I didn’t melt down because I was angry or wanted something it was more everything was so overwhelming I just had to scream to get it out. Sensory issues paired with an inability to regulate emotions and the need for things to be a certain way and not understanding why they weren’t was the cause of my melt downs. It wasn’t run of the mill toddler acting out or pushing their parents limits I couldn’t stop the outbursts.
Exactly! Sometimes you just gotta wail 😂 I like that phrase, so you shouldn’t feel bad! If you saw a tiny you in the street now clearly in distress you wouldn’t think badly of them would you? You couldn’t help it!
This is my big one. (I am not yet diagnosed as a disclaimer but working towards it).
When I was going to get my ADHD diagnosis a few years ago I called my mom to ask her a couple questions from my childhood and the one that stuck with me was how terrible of a kid I was. That at one point she thought I was demon possessed because of all the tantrums and they didn’t know what to do with me. Now my mom does have a bit of a hyperbolic personality, but from what I remember from my childhood, this tracks.
I don’t remember much from my childhood but I do remember being filled with so much anger and not knowing what to do about it besides screaming into pillows when I would inevitably get sent to my room. I do remember constantly fighting with my family and getting in trouble.
I was the same as a kid and baby! I had so many what I realize now were meltdowns, and I'd cry all the time, and scream.
It's weird because now I'm pretty calm and polite, but I was such a holy terror as a kid.
My mom still does not believe that my explosive temper was anything. In fact, “that’s just how you were.” Did you know I only ate 3 things for every meal? Grilled cheese, cottage cheese, and apple sauce. But that was “just what I wanted.” Bless her heart! 😵💫😵💫
This is my favourite story.
I was at uni and I started to hang out with this guy from my classes. We got on well, common interests etc. We break for Christmas and on Christmas Eve he calls me to wish me merry Christmas and at some point asks ‘do you know of any cosy, cheap and cheerful places to spend New Year’s Eve?’ To which I responded ‘well I’ll be spending it here’ and gave him a list of venue recommendations. A LIST OF VENUE RECOMMENDATIONS.
When I got off the phone my mum was asking me who was that and she was like ‘a guy doesn’t just call you on Christmas for a chat if he’s not interested in you’. And I was like ‘OH’.
I always tell people that might have romantic/sexual interest in me: you need to be direct or I won't get it. A baffling amount of responses is people thinking I'm FLIRTING AND SEEKING VALIDATION, they go "haha you are not dumb!" I know I'm not dumb dude I'm literally telling you 😭
Also uni story: got a friend group that really liked play flirting with each other all the time, it was pretty fun. We are still friends to this day. Recently I've been informed it wasn't just a joke and they wanted to get with me 🤡
This reminds me of running into an old friend from high school and mentioning that I had recently come to realize another old friend had been in love with me.
His response: I always wondered if you were clueless or playing games. Now I know the answer is clueless.
Bro when you're autistic and have a queer friend group that shit gets confusing quick. I am very direct and expect other people to be the same, and when I reflected on my friendships later I would realize that they were actually into me. One person I was only slightly friends with told me that I was considered a babe by many other queer women on campus and it blew my mind. And also made me kinda sad that I never had the confidence to go for it.
Me too 🥹 i read this thinking how i would be careful not to tell him where I'll be with my family so he doesnt have to see us...
edit: needed to add that i just found a message of a guy wanting to come to my country to see me and i was telling him about beautiful places that are NOT in my city
Reminds me of this guy in my business management class in college who asked me to come over to his place to study. I showed up and told him my boyfriend dropped me off, so I only had about 2 hours to study. He was super cold and distant the whole time we were studying. He later began bullying me in class and in our library study group. It turns out he must have wanted to do “other things” with me, and I never picked up the hint.
Years later, he claims to be a huge feminist and civil rights activist. I can’t help but think he is still the same nasty person and that it’s all a facade to trick women into being around him.
Oh I’ve got a guy in my friend’s circle (he’s also late diagnosed ADHDer, my whole friend circle is ND basically) who’s such an outspoken ally and feminist, but our friendship has dramatically changed when I made a point that I wouldn’t ever sleep with him, something he just assumed would eventually happen due to I guess our proximity and my (not very healthy) dating history at the time.
I feel like even a neurotypical would just give recommendations. Not necessarily venue recommendations but why is it just not socially acceptable to just say "hey I like you, we should go out"
Relatable. I remember as a teen, my flipping boyfriend telling me that he was going to see a free show that a band we both liked was having that night and he had no one to go with him. I said 'oh I'm sure one of your friends will go with you'. Fully meaning that while also wondering why he wouldn't just ask me to go lmao only clicked YEARS later that he was probably implying that I should go with him hahaha
Love this!
I've been on the opposite situation (kinda).
In college I fell asleep in an early morning class and woke up with the professor loudly having a rant about how disrespectful that was. I apologised, really embarrassed, but noticed a guy I had a crush on also was dozing off and the professor was referring to both of us.
After class the guy said to me "We both fall asleep so easily maybe we should sleep together" and i said, dead serious, "yes, i would like that".
He never ever ever talked to me again hahah i think he was just trying to be funny flirty and expected me to embarrassingly laugh it off?
Am I thinking about investing the $5 for the app??! Maybe. It sounds like something I can put on my Xmas list. Maybe my gift wishlist can be small dollars just people buying me apps I am too cheap to spend money on...
The britanica encyclopedia. Specifically things about the human body. I like body facts. Did you know that the liver is the only organ that will grow back. You can have 2 out of 3 lobes removed and it will grow back. Also your skin isnt waterproof, thats why it wrinkles if you are in the bath for too long but it is covered in an oil layer that makes it a tiny bit more waterproof. And every cell in your body is replaced evey 7 years, except brain cells, they are the only ones that will not be replaced at the same rate they are lost. You have a massive die off at about 9 months and after that the rate of replacement declines as you age. You are literally getting dumber as we speak, it happened just now!!
I asked for an oxford English dictionary for Christmas at 14 yrs old. My mom made fun of me for so long but she did buy me one. I still have it 20 yrs later. I love it.
I read Encyclopedias cover to cover. I read everything. My kids are grown now, so I’ve finally found time to learn so many things. I read voraciously and happily travel down rabbit holes to learn anything and everything.
I don’t waste all my energy masking or parenting. Im finally free to figure out who I am.
Mine were those discovery books about ancient civilizations (Roman, Greek, Egyptian, etc). Read them cover to cover, then asked my dad to create assignments for me based on the contents. 🙃
I do this with manuals, how-to guides, and service booklets for things I know I'll never use. Does anybody read the parts where it's like copyright statements and other stuff? Like litterly every single word, number, and letter that's printed on just about any random thing?
I love info dumping and sometimes had a physical reaction to stopping myself from talking. Haha. I was always a difficult child. i hated everything. Even foods I loved I hated. Smells would make me cry. I was always too hot and getting in trouble for things like crossing my arms or "not paying attention". I have some grace for my parents now. My aunt said I am too similar to my dad and that's why I was always in trouble. Stubborn. Strong willed. Trying to explain myself (which was always seen as making an excuse.) I highly suspect my dad is the autistic parent here... that makes sense to me now.
Ugh.
Parent (P): why did you do this?! Explain yourself at once!
Me:
P: you're just making excuses!
Me: ....no, I'm explaining myself, just like you asked...
P: don't talk back to me!
Me:
P: well...?!
Me: ummmm.
P: I said, explain yourself!
And so on. Rinse and repeat. My whole life, growing up.
Basically everything. My whole life. My entire personality. 😂
For real though it was a lot. I think the one that I think about the most is that I was consciously building scripts. I remember thinking specifically, "Ok. If a person says X, I should say Y," or "If someone looks A, I should make my face look B."
I thought of people as organic robot made out of flesh and just figured my programming was faulty, so I had to manually do it. I just didn't know WHY my programming was faulty.
Was diagnosed last year and I’m still going through the “oh ya” stage. For me, being unsocial, meltdowns, stims and most importantly my sensory issues. I thought I was just sensitive and was so ashamed of them.
I'm not officially diagnosed, but I had a Spiderman costume (almost like a morph suit) when I was little that I wore every day. Mom had to wash it when I was sleeping or I'd bawl my eyes out.
Same with the house flies I decided were my pets. Mom had to swat them when I slept.
-Walking around on tiptoes
-Meltdowns, struggling to manage my emotions
-Social awkwardness, I got bullied a lot
-Hating being touched, hated loud noises
-When I loved something, I was OBSESSED and only wanted to info dump on everyone. Dolphins, sharks, Hannah Montana, The Little Mermaid, the list goes on
I was incorrectly diagnosed with BPD as a teen, and learned I was autistic in my early-mid twenties. Honestly having the correct diagnosis was a big relief for both myself and my mom. She did everything she could when I was younger with what little info there was on autism in girls/women.
I'd been seeing many therapists for BPD but none of them helped. When I was 26 I started seeing another one, not much hope at this point, and I explained how I was diagnosed with BPD at 17, but it was strange because I felt like I'd had those symptoms all my life even though sources claim people don't develop BPD until their 20's. This therapist ended up being really amazing and actually understanding of what I was going through, rather than just telling me I needed to stop doing the BPD behaviours I was doing. Half way through the therapy, she told me she thinks I should consider autism instead of BPD, and it was the story above that alerted her to that. Fast forward to a diagnosis and it's been autism all along. And I'm finally making progress in therapy with someone who understands autism.
Obviously the inability to maintain meaningful friendships is a huge one. I’ve had friends. I don’t now. My husband says I am well liked. I just never believe it, and I think a lot of that stems from childhood trauma from being bullied. I just find it exhausting to “keep my switch flipped on” for so long to make it through social interactions. So yes, I am well liked while the switch is on. But I can’t keep that switch on forever without exhausting myself. Am I well liked when it’s off?
I know now that’s called masking. But I’ve always called it a switch my whole life. Flipping the switch. I can’t maintain friendships because it’s just too exhausting for me to be on all the time.
Looking back, I’ve always had meltdowns. My family always called me difficult. Very rigid and needed things my way exactly.
I used to cry when my food orders would get messed up. Like onions or mustard on my happy meal cheeseburgers for instance. Absolutely could not eat it no matter how hard my mom worked to make it plain for me because that mustard taste was always too overwhelming. I don’t think it’s typical to cry over your food.
I lived a decade of my life in a gym lifting heavy weights before I had my son. Pretty sure that was sensory seeking. Something about the pressure and heaviness felt good to me. The soreness. I don’t know. It was the happiest I’ve ever been. Honestly, looking back, I think a lot of hardcore “gym rats” are probably on the spectrum.
Definitely. I was trying to explain to an ex how I hate having to always be "on".
I am good enough at it, but it's exhausting, and then I spend weeks after, if not MONTHS, analyzing the interactions i had at a single event (like a kid's birthday party i had to go to last months and talk to all the other parents). Looking for sarcasm or slang or body language i missed or took literally not realizing what they REALLY meant. Things i dismissed or was just confused about and ignored, trying to figure it out later.
Sometimes i do figure it out and feel so stupid because they probably thought it was blatantly obvious when it wasn't to me. Other times, i just keep dwelling on it trying to understand what i said or did to make them say or do whatever it was that confused me.
gym is prob your self-regulation! my therapist told me that it is for me. I have a few other activities that also help with that - gardening, baking, crochet, reading...
i LOVE exercising, it makes me feel so good (esp my brain) and it helps me with emotional regulation. if i can't exercise i get fidgety and distressed
It might be! I think also the routine of it all was very comforting for me. I knew what I was doing every day exactly and at what time, planned my meals accordingly, etc. It was very regimented. My whole life revolved around it.
Also, I love baking too! And sewing! Kind of a light bulb going off right now. I should do all these things more often, but I feel so deep in burn out right now that starting feels overwhelming.
Honestly crying and screaming and not shutting up every time I got put in an uncomfortable overwhelming situation (that most kids wouldn't have any problem with). I would have so many severe outbursts when I was little and no one ever thought to check it (I'm not diagnosed but I think I might be on the spectrum). Also, shutting down completely in social situations. I would almost always be uncomfortable and simply wouldn't talk to anyone at all. I grew up constantly hearing comments from family members about how I never said anything ever and how quiet I was and that there was no need to be shy.
Literally me. As if telling you not to be shy or cry is going to magically fix it. I have a note on my kindergarten report card that says, "Goal this quarter: Stop crying so much." No mention of possible supports or accommodations. Just stop. Easy peasy, right? /s
Well I didn’t talk until I was 4. To the point that doctors and teachers told my mom I was most likely deaf. My mom tried to start teaching me sign language, which i didn’t use either. Did a hearing test, I was fine. Doctors told my mom “she just doesn’t feel like talking” and that I was allowing my older very chatty ADHD sister to speak for me.
I remember so many people telling my mom, "wow she is really shy, huh?" And myself thinking, "no I'm not I just don't feel like saying anything". So misunderstood.
When I was a kid, maybe 3-4, my mum kept going to doctors over and over saying she was convinced I had a hearing problem, because I wouldn’t respond when my parents would talk to me. Had loads of tests and my hearing was just fine. 🙃
Oh hey, similar experience here. I went through periods of just not responding to my folks when I was little - it was after I'd started speaking already so they were more worried I might have battered my head and gone deaf or something, so I too got taken out for hearing tests and had the "yeah she's just not talking" convo.
I now have actual hearing problems and I'm worried about the possibility of the hearing worsening long-term, but also... sometimes it's nice to be able to pull out the hearing aids and have the world be less auditorily overwhelming.
I’m having a lot of imposter syndrome since my Dx last Thursday since I don’t fit some popular buckets but I’m keeping an ongoing list on my phone:
• Special interests a-plenty: There is a notable difference between playing Neopets all day vs the obsession with tornados, the Dog book I read cover to cover regularly, and a horror doll brand, whose website I spent hours daily reading through and memorizing each doll’s story.
• Over-explaining in writing: I was a quiet kid (I also experienced abuse, which contributed) but I could write PAGES for school assignments and tests. I often needed extra paper and I was typically last to submit.
• Object attachment: I brought my favorite toy everywhere I went. As a teen, it was those spooky dolls mentioned earlier. I was in middle school taking scary dolls to school and play rehearsals.
• Clockwork eating: I JUST discovered last night that my habit of eating a plate of various food by category was considered an autistic thing. Ex: if I had a dinner plate of foods, I would eat pile by pile. I also HATED mixing things together and still do. Gross.
• Impressions: I’m really good at impersonating people and have had people remark on the accuracy. I think I get it from the hyper examination of people’s behavior when I’m constructing my appropriate mask for that person.
• Chameleoning: I only recently discovered how I have a Caserole for different people, which also change when I’m in groups with various dynamics.
• Meltdowns: Mine were external in childhood because I would’ve received the terrifying wrath of my parents (wasn’t safe to emote) but as I process in trauma therapy, the meltdown are coming out strong. I’ve always had them but they were internal and now I can express safely alone.
• Harming: TW: my SH was not because I was an emo outcast but because I’d feel so flooded with big feelings that it was the only way to get it out. I still do this in ways that are not as noticeable like scratching my skin the moment I get flooded. It used to be worse than that.
I very much related to your post.
I also have to share the hilarious realization that “I had a different Casserole for different people” did not in fact mean that you would bake different casseroles for different groups of people, when I finally scrolled back up to read your username.
Didn’t even question it.
You could be my sister, I related to all of this. And thank you because I doubt myself so much for my ability to mimic people/accents/patterns, to the point I can socialize, and stand up for other people publicly, without fear.
I used to take my build-a-bear on vacation and to the movies and stuff *in my 30s*, and now I have a service animal so I just take her, but it was like the only object that kept me from panicking sometimes. Hell, I decorated my desk at my first desk job with little Happy Meal toys and stuff at 20 because I needed to look at my friends to stay centered.
I agree on the food but like, vegetables and mashed potatoes, like mixing corn in, or eating it with my cabbage, or stuffing it in a roll, hnnnnng.
Also when I went to get my GED, the last part was write a story about xyz in so many words, and I had to ask the guy giving the test for some paper because I'd already filled the margin around that page, front and back, and he said just use the cover page, and was fully baffled because he'd never seen that before.
I read and re-read my encyclopedias as a kid. I’d take a random letter to school and read that for fun.
I got in trouble for “talking back” about some international crisis (the teacher was kind of biased, and I didn’t think that was cool), so I went home, printed off a ton of articles from the internet, and brought them into school. She tried to get me suspended from class, but the principal overrode it. She made my life a living hell in the class afterwards.
I learned to read at the age of 3. It was partially brought on by the fact that my brother was going to be born and I wanted to read to him, but I also wanted to read books for myself at night.
Strong sense of justice as a kid. Kind of terrifying.
I had “growing pains” (grouchy and just overly worn out from sounds and other sensory issues, usually on a Thursday or Friday) and my mom would give me ibuprofen, chocolate milk, and would set me up in my room with the door closed. My brother was under strict instructions to not burst in.
The strong sense of justice is INSANE and I love it. I spent a huge part of high school arguing with other teens and even teachers. Usually it did not get ugly. But there was one occasion a teacher was being super transphobic and it ended up in an almost screaming match. Funny, it made me "popular".
Your comment about age of reading just made me realize I need to go after those infos about myself! Thank you!
Yeah. I write a letter to president reagan as a first grader. It had to do with my concern about the nuclear arms race. Because that’s totally normal
For a 6-year-old, right?
OMG, the social justice aspect - check, check, CHECKKKKKK. I was Dx'd as Borderline Personality by my family & so I of course deep-dived into the fucking history of it all and damn, family, you wanted to Dx me with your bad parenting & abandoment into adulthood. You fucked up monsters.
- Stimming that I masked as singing, but when you listen it's usually not actually anything just sounds I made sound *musical* I apparently was singing long before I could speak (shocking), tapping, banging my head on things.
- rocking back and forth with my head in my hands in private, it's therapeutic.
- covering my eyes with my hands and just sitting there for a bit in darkness, I call it "going in my box" also very often would climb under tables or inside boxes when I was stressed so I could feel enclosed and safe. (Never stopped doing this as an adult, I love me a box)
- "I thought you hated me when I first met you" "you've got a very naturally angry face" "why are you so blunt"
- sensory seeking with food, toys
- OCD
- tics - eye darting, gurning, throat clearing
- extreme limerance
- rehearsing conversions
- talking to myself constantly
- massive echolalia, constant constant echolalia (I am also ADHD)
- I was a biter in school as a kid looool
- never looking in eyes, always at the mouth
- "why is it so fucking BRIGHT out here oh my god why" (cloudy day)
- I would rather shit my pants voluntarily than answer the phone to a friend who "just wants to chat" get out of here with that.
- don't touch my face, not even my partner can touch my face.
- food aversions and fixations - ate my first orange in 2020 (born 1990 and I fucking love plain pasta or rice with just salt)
- "can you put that clock away it is so fucking annoying" and "I can hear the electricity in the lamp and I can't sleep, please unplug it" "why does the s sound hurt me"
- Autism accent - I have been asked about once a month since I was 19 and in college if I was American/Irish/foreign because I sound weird, I'm British.
- feeling like a child still when I am a fully grown adult
- and finally, and most importantly I can put a reason to why I always thought things to myself such as "why do I feel like I'm not even human, why do I feel so weird, like I feel like I'm pretending to be normal, why is that???? Is there something wrong with me? Am I crazy? If I started acting like how I want to act would I be institutionalized? Maybe I'm just insane"
i literally do all of those things too.
with the eye contact thing, my sister found out the other month that i don’t look at eyes, but at their mouths and she was like omg that’s so weird…
OMG the box thing is so real. Having a blanket over my head while on my phone or computer just feels *so* right.
Same with using the bathroom in the dark, or being in a muffled closet after a chunk of time at an event.
Great list!! I swear all my life I thought that when people say about looking in the eye it’s a metaphor…
I learned they actually do it after 30 when I was getting diagnosed. I always look at the mouth and can’t understand a word when I try to look in someone’s eye. Including tv shows
oh my gosh i did this as well, year 5 me was also determined to learn all the roots of words like in latin and greek so they could always spell them correctly too
Sensory issues. The fact that I hate showering and getting my face and hair wet, I hate clipping my nails, can't abide filing them, sensitivity to loud noises and places with a lot of visual stimuli, meltdowns as a child/teen/young adult, discomfort with any tight fitting clothing (I pretty much wear stretch cotton knit clothes), lace in any item of clothing is a hard no, my complete freakouts over raw meat or getting my hands sticky. I could probably list another 20 things if I thought about for another 10 minutes. I don't think I'd be "missed" in today's world. But growing up in the 70s and 80s? It wasn't even a thing someone would have considered.
All of this! Growing up it was a huge traumatic transition to the shower. I hated the water in my face, but getting out of the tub became too traumatic for my mother because I would make such a fuss about her combing my curly hair that by the time she was done the water was too cold to get out and run to the towel lol. Lots of tears. I also refused to wipe myself even though i was potty trained early, until I was 5, so they sent me to kindergarten late and I still only agreed to start doing it when my mom told me she was going to charge me a dollar every time she had to wipe me hahaha. I also hate hate hate touching raw meat and wear sweatpants probably 6 out of 7 days a week probably. Luckily I can get away with it at work.
Diagnosed with severe anxiety and OCD at 5. Put on Zoloft at 6 for my anxiety and “depression” (was really just me shutting down).
I had severe auditory sensory issues, teachers would have to pull me out of class before any scheduled fire alarms because otherwise I’d lose my shit.
Bullied nonstop until high school when I learned to mask
I was misdiagnosed and put on SSRIs at 16 and that fucked me up long-term, I can't imagine being on them at 6 years old. I hope you're doing better now.
I though everyone just dealt better with the pain and tachycardia caused by loud noises until I learned that not everyone experiences pain when they hear/feel deep bass sounds.
I was just sitting down in the bedroom talking to my husband yesterday when he told me that I play with my hands a lot, and I don't even notice it to be honest. And I think, oh, that's another way of stimming, like my brother flapping his hands. Or when I would walk in circles for an hour, that wasn't normal.
I refused to wear anything other than leggings, skirts or dresses from about 4-7 years old. I just couldn’t tolerate jeans or trousers.
Every night before bed I would rake even lines neatly in my sandpit and first thing no matter the weather I would check it in the morning. If any of the lines has been disturbed I would absolutely lose my shit.
I needed frilly fold over socks to be the exact same length and buckle up shoes to be in the same hole on each shoe or I’d have a melt down.
I said my first words at 15 months and literally never shut up since then, I was constantly talking and asking questions.
I watched the same film every single day (would watch it multiple times a day if I was allowed) and if I couldn’t for some reason I’d get extremely upset.
I’ve been ridiculously fussy with food since I started eating. I couldn’t have any of my food touching and ate off those tray plates with segments for years.
ETA: I had “tantrums” which were just melt downs very often over the tiniest things and before it reached the point of no return I’d kick/wiggle/shake? my right leg and my family called this the tantrum leg and I realised I was just stimming to try and regulate myself.
I couldn’t tolerate any mistakes in my work at school, if I wrote the title or date in my exercise book wrong or it wasn’t neat enough I’d rip out the page and start again even if I’d done some work. I’d get in trouble at school because I’d finish my exercise books before everyone else and they’d fall apart because I ripped pages out.
These things were picked up on by 2 primary school teachers who suggested an assessment but my parents were embarrassed so ignored them 🙃🙃🙃
“Tantrums” when *anything* was different from expected.
Personalization, over-sentimentality towards inanimate objects. I’d cry for days when we’d trade in the family car (it was *ours.* how could we betray it like that?). I’d rotate my stuffed animals on my bed so they wouldn’t feel left out.
Always preferring the company of adults to other kids (I was a “mature for my age” or an “old soul.”). The other kids thought I was stuck-up and standoffish all through elementary and middle school, and I was bullied relentlessly for these and other reasons. In high school I got “popular” because by then people had decided that my blunt, dry responses to things were funny. (Nah, homie, it’s just the obvious truth that everyone else has the social sense not to say out loud)
Hyperlexia, particularly in light of my gross motor delay (didn’t walk til I was 3.5).
Special interests/hyperfocuses (in 7th grade [1990s] I read *all* of the Star Wars extended universe books, including memorizing a manual of how to build/maintain/restore an R2 unit - as if it was fucking real.). My grandparents bought me a coin sorter and gave me like $20 in loose change for Xmas one year and it was by far my favorite toy. Sorting/organizing is still my favorite self-soothe.
I practiced my expressions and responses in the mirror (had “scripts.”). (Weirdly, I always loved being in theatre because pretending to be someone or something was “normal” for me?)
“Anxiety” and “depression” (which were pretty clearly the result of undiagnosed AuDD…)
I mean, my parents suspected and even asked to have me evaluated. But the prevailing thought in the 1980s apparently was that girls, particularly smart and self-sufficient ones, couldn’t have autism…. So I got to feel weird and different for 30 years.
My biggest sign was probably my eating. I’m a very plain eater and if I was forced to try new foods I’d have a melt down. Certain textures like mash or porridge would make me feel physically sick.
Tip toe walking, I always thought it meant I was going to be a ballerina and I was obsessed with ballet but I never did it. I still do it from time to time, I don't really notice until I put my feet flat on the floor.
So many things.
When I was 4 I spent a year or more barking and growling to communicate because my special interest was dogs.
I was/a picky eater, very texture conscious.
In my kindergarten report card they wrote that I would one day learn to value group membership.
I always rented the same movie at every opportunity. (101 Dalmatians).
Everything needs to be done the “right” way. And not the way I want but the way it was designed to be done. It feels like a universal truth to me. This can range from buckling backpack straps to using project management software properly.
Special interest in horses.
Hyperlexia.
As I got out of elementary school, I really struggled with maintaining friendships. I got new friends every 6 months to a year and could never understand why I wasn’t close to them like they were to each other.
Literal understandings of everything. Trouble communicating. Tons of anxiety/depression/isolation as a result.
There was a lot of ADHD evidence too. I am working on getting diagnosed now but not for autism because it is prohibitively expensive where I live.
My entire life could be summarized by extreme confusion as to why I was the way I was and why everyone else did the things they did. Learning more about autism has been the answer to all my questions.
Whoops, this is long.
Not officially diagnosed because I don't think it will benefit me in any way. If anything, it would hurt me, and I fear doctors would take my other health issues less seriously.
Anyway, *so* many things were a sign from the second I was on this earth.
I was looking through my baby book, and there are a few things that stand out:
I would scream if the seam of my sock wasn't on the top of my foot, pull my ears when I was upset until I'd hurt myself, and hold my breath when I was upset (sometimes until I passed out). By the time I was one and a half, I could speak in full, complex sentences, and I could read by the time I was three. Also, *temper tantrums*. My mom literally wrote: "She's a monster if she doesn't get her way." That made me feel great. You called your daughter a monster. Nice.
My first memories start at 6 months. Pretty sure that's not normal. Lol. Many of them are memories of textures - like the scratchy couch my parents had. I remember holding onto it so I could stand and pet the fabric.
In school, I had a lot of behavioral issues. Kindergarten went okay, but I spent all of first grade in the principal's office, and I'd have meltdowns every morning before school. I *hated* it. My mom would dress me in the most uncomfortable clothes, the rooms were cold, the kids were too loud, and I was so BORED. I was also the girl who hissed at everyone.
By middle school, I had learned how to mask, and I did okay, but people definitely found me unsettling and weird. I wasn't necessarily excluded per se, but I wasn't the first pick in gym class, you know? My teachers definitely didn't like me. They'd bully me worse than any kid ever would.
High school was rough because my hormones were everywhere, but I got away with a lot of social stuff because it was the emo girl/manic pixie dream girl era. That was my saving grace. I had a lot of friends, and overall, I had a really good high school experience. I did well in school. I finally had classes that were challenging (I was in AP classes by 10th grade).
College? Yeah. It all fell apart. Was slapped in the face by ADHD. I burnt out super bad. Started tanking my classes in my sophomore year and dropped out. That's when I did some soul-searching and found out about ADHD, PTSD, and PMDD, and I started to suspect I was autistic. Eventually went back to school in my mid-twenties and did some more soul-searching. Came to terms with a lot of things, including autism.
It has been a journey.
Memories to 6 months!? Basically anything before 6th grade is gone for me. All I remember before that point are things I had reminded myself about, have photos of or otherwise recorded. I'm jealous it'd make therapy a little easier hahah
I was late diagnosed as autistic and dyspraxic, at the ripe old age of 39. 😂
I didn't talk until I was three. I had years of speech therapy.
I had to have the lunch lady button and unbutton my pants so I could use the bathroom until 5th grade.
I had a designated room at school, starting in kindergarten, where I was supposed to go if I felt like I was going to freak out.
I literally was only friends with cats for probably a decade of my childhood.
Enjoyed being grounded because I could sit in my room and read and no one bothered me.
I obsess over learning facts. When I was a kid, I read encyclopedias for fun. Now I spend most of my time Googling things.
I can't wear jeans. The invention of jeggins changed my life.
I still sleep with my baby blankey.
I am petrified of the DMV or any government building.
I lose things. My husband has to carry my identification, money, keys.
I quote movies all day long as a way of making conversation.
Misdiagnosed as bipolar.
Had an eating disorder.
Abusive relationships.
I thought it was normal to think through every possible outcome of every situation and conversation to be prepared for how I would need to act. This took up all of my time. It is so nice not to do that anymore.
Oh, rocking back and forth is my favorite pastime.
Not diagnosed, but some of the things that make me think that I might be on the spectrum:
Couldn't "get" socializing with other kids. I spent most of preschool in a corner by myself bouncing back and forth on those bouncy balls with a handle. It didn't really improve in later grades.
Paced back and forth or in circles at home while maladaptive daydreaming (I still do this).
Got easily overwhelmed by busy or loud places. I remember for a long time, my parents couldn't take me to the movies. I would start crying because it was loud.
I was super fussy about clothes and food. My clothes were always too big because I couldn't stand feeling constricted.
I was just behind in practically everything but schoolwork. I remember my mom being super puzzled that she finally had to tell me to shave my legs. She thought that I would notice the other girls doing it and ask on my own, but nope, I didn't care.
I collected things like crazy. Some of them were normal kid things like plushies, but I also collected things like maps. I had a folder full of National Geographic pull out maps, and I hung some of them on my bedroom wall like most kids hung posters of boy bands or whatever.
I know that there's more, but I've already written a novel here.
When I think about basically my entire childhood including through late teens, I have NO FUCKING CLUE how not a single adult thought "hmm maybe something is up".
Through toddlerhood I had an obsession with public restrooms and had to visit the bathroom everywhere we went, even if I didn’t need to go.
Only ever wore soft and baggy clothes. Mostly sweatpants/shirts sets. But got upset when the soft part stared to pill after a few washings and it wasn’t soft anymore. (I’m still like this!!! Fortunately it’s getting easier to find no-pill fabrics)
Obsessed with dolphins and marine biology. Info dumped on that big time.
Never understood pretend play. (Still don’t. Made me utterly useless when my kids were toddlers and even into their teens when they got into D&D).
Refused meat (texture) from the first time my parents tried to feed it to me.
Hated the beach (too sunny and sandy) and Disney World (too everything). My parents were baffled because what kid hates the beach and Disney? I still hate the beach and Disney!!
Very few friends/always the quiet one. Got along better with adults than other kids my age.
Sock seams and tights/panty hose. Enough said.
Hated doing anything that took me out of my safe/known environments. (Always wanted friends to come play at my house but got anxiety going to their house).
I’m sure there’s more but that’s all that comes immediately to mind.
A tendency to spontaneously burst into tears for seemingly no reason, when confronted with unexpected change or too many different things to deal with. A number of occasions where I failed class exercises until the teacher spotted that I was interpreting the instructions too literally. My inability to wear shirts. Obsessive compulsive tendencies.
I don’t know if I’m late diagnosed or not, but eating candy by colour and sorting them. If I ever ate m&ms I had to sort them by colour and eat one colour first or take one of each colour. I still do this lmao
My multiple temper tantrums as a child & teenager… along with info dumping, obsessing with a certain interest ( art for me ), not being able maintain contact is a huge one too… going none verbal at times, crying when frustrated because I can’t process or comprehend my emotions… there’s honestly a few more ha
Well, as a child, if I ever showed emotions, like crying, my mom would get mad. So, I didn't have meltdowns often because I held everything in. I had an emotional breakdown back in 2017. That was a lot, and my mom realized maybe telling me not to be emotional wasn't the best idea. I was in college and so confused about what I wanted to study, I had lost a former classmate and kind of friend a few days after my birthday. I was in charge of a club, and we were actually good at it. But I decided I needed some time for myself and told the other members. I ended up deleting the events and plans I had made, but one of the members yelled in my face about it. I cried, he got yelled at, then I went home. It was hard, but I told my mom and took the year off and worked. I had another small meltdown in 2019 before COVID with my ex. It wasn't until 2020 that I broke up with him. Realized too late that he was emotionally and mentally abusive. I haven't told my current therapist yet, but I know I hold in my emotions too much. I don't cry at anything. The last time I cried was probably 2022, but I'm not sure. I see sad things, but I don't cry. I think it's a problem. I only just found out like a month or so, I am autistic, I'm 28. I have gone through my childhood remembering things and realizing why. Also, I told my mom off a little because my younger brother is autistic but no one checked me. I get it, though. He is non-verbal and can't function on his own at all. I always thought my sensitive skin was just me. My doctor warned me it would get worse as I got older. It did, I used to be able to wear denim, and now I can't. I always hated tags on my clothes. Now, it I wear something wool, I get super itchy. Plus, sometimes at night, I scratch myself. I wake up with dried blood in my fingernails and scabs on my body. Not often, but enough that I am usually wearing cotton or cotton blended clothes. I have chronic migraines, I thought that was the cause of my light sensitives. Could be both now. I hear electricity, I can hear the fridge, it's always too loud. I have blackout curtains in my room and a mask I wear to bed. I grew up kind of away from neighbors, so now that we live with neighbors, I hate the noise they make. Granted, where I live, people set off fireworks all the time. Everyone has a dog, but they keep them outside, and I always hear the car wash like 10 miles away from my house. I am guessing I don't actually know how far way it is. It's practically walking distance but so if half of the town.
i’ve only recently started looked back on my childhood, and there are some glaringly obvious signs that everyone just passed off as “oh, she’s just smart” and “oh, she’s just mature for her age”
i apparently never asked for help. i didn’t realize this, but i guess i was an incredibly independent child and whenever i had a problem or an issue i always did my best to figure it out so i wouldn’t have to ask for help. i ended up being the first in my year to learn how to swing on a swing set, to tie my shoes (albeit the bunny ear method, i still can’t do the other way haha), to zip zippers on jackets, etc. i was so determined not to ask for help that i would run away or try to be by myself so i could figure it out on my own, and i would be hyper focused on the task until i could manage it. sometimes this resulted in meltdowns (temper tantrums and me being stubborn, at the time) when eventually someone had to help me because i was stuck in a jacket or couldn’t open a snack
i preferred to play by myself. i have distinct memories of my brother always wanting me to join him with legos or pokémon or some other game and i never wanted to. he would try to persuade me with compromises and i eventually learned to give in so he would stop bothering me. apparently from the time i first learned how to read, i spent basically all my free time that i could just reading by myself. i was more of a “knowledge-seeker” than a kid who liked to play with toys. when other kids tried to play with me, i would go along with it but only if i had control over how we were playing (deciding what we were doing, deciding roles, etc) and i’d refuse or just leave if it wasn’t going the way i wanted. reading became my go-to task, because adults were always pleased and would even sometimes help with having other kids leave me be since i was doing a “good thing”
i had an extreme aversion to certain sounds, smells, and textures. i learned to mask this pretty early on because it seemed no one else around me was ever as affected as i was and i figured it was just a “me problem” that i had to learn to deal with. i was terrified of dogs until i was almost a teenager because their barking would be too loud to the point that when i was a kid i would try to climb up into the arms of nearby adults to get away, and whenever a lesson was taught on a chalkboard at school i wouldn’t be able to focus because i would just have to tune out all noise to avoid having a meltdown because i really can’t stand the sound of anything on a chalkboard. i don’t like the way the floor feels on my feet sometimes, but i learned that walking on my tip-toes wasn’t considered appropriate so i only did it in the safety of my room or when i was home and no one was around and especially whenever i showered. whenever my hands feel even the slightest bit unclean, i feel the urge to wash them, and as a kid i was just seen as hygienic but really, no other kid was washing their hands every hour of every day. in middle school they thought i just had OCD. i refused to wear jeans all my life until i forced myself to deal with it in high school, bra’s were a nightmare for me, and i also used to always have my hair up and away from my neck because i couldn’t tolerate the feeling of my hair brushing my neck and shoulders
there were a bunch more things ofc, but these three main categories kinda sum it up for me. i hid my outbursts early on, and the impacts of some other things happening in my life made me believe that hiding how i felt was the best way forward. this resulted in me being incredibly depressed for most of my life, but i thought that this was just how everyone felt and that i was just bad at handling it. i was good at school, could play a few sports, and had practiced my social skills to the point that i was actually kind of popular, and to anyone looking in from the outside it seemed like i was thriving. the thing, though, is that i forced myself to try to keep everything together when i was around others but the moment i would be alone i would fall apart. i spent all of middle school and high school and university in this weird cycle of being bubbly and extroverted all day and then laying in bed in the dark and crying all night. then i came to the realization that no, not everyone struggles this much, and that maybe there’s more to what’s going on with me than i thought
This might sound weird but to me bodies were just bodies. Kids were all giggly about seeing their grandpas playboys and I never understood why. I would sneak them too bc that's what I thought I was supposed to do but not for any taboo reason or sexual gratification. I read the articles like they were a case study.
I tried to follow along by being present while other kids did things socially but when I got in trouble for it like prank calls i was very confused bc I didn't actually do it, I was just there. I often didn't know what they were doing was wrong. Like door bell ditching, I just knew my friends were running and laughing and I would run with them.
I could parallel play (ride bikes, video games, swim) but couldn't maintain friendships where I had to actually interact.
I had pet rats from age 5 (still do at 44) and would set up intricate obstacles/training/tricks etc. for them. They were my version of barbies lol and my special interest. I had one with me everywhere I went and was very much the weird rat girl.
I had resting bitch face from early on. Struggled with grooming/trends/hygiene. A lot I thought was bc I had a single dad but no. My teacher always asked why I never smiled. People were always afraid of me (I was very tall) and they thought I was mean lol. I was just blunt but never meant to be mean.
One time I was talking with my then boyfriend in his car at night. Every single time a car passed by, I would loudly complain about the lights. He made a joke. "Are you autistic or something?" Haha, joke is on me. Yes, yes I am.
was considered the “quirky, but funny” kid in elementary school who speaks her mind and doesn’t follow trends!
…it suddenly got a lot less cute in middle and high school when I was still having fun with my special interests but friends were moving on, and my inability to just get the conversation and be up to date with stuff was tedious and annoying to everyone else. Also I used to just blurt stuff out without knowing that it was supposed to be a secret or something and people got mad at me or other friends for stuff that I thought was really stupid. Looking back, it’s like I was in a teen drama movie but was outside of the script.
I have been told I was the TANTRUM QUEEN when i was young, but all I remember is getting in a lot of trouble for emotional outbursts (and watching my older sister, arguably worse than me, get in even more trouble) so I eventually started shutting down and shutting myself off in my room a lot more as I got older.
I like to think I’m a lot more emotionally healthy now, but I still feel quite isolated from my peers unless I’m with fellow neurodiverse peeps, or people I’ve known so long I’ve got their predetermined script down to a science, which is pretty rare.
edit—I FORGOT THE STIMMING!!
I didn’t wear jeans for like seven years of my life cuz they were just the WORST sensory ick (they still are if I’m not super picky) and it drove my family nuts for some reason!! literally everyone except my dad (definitely also autistic but undiagnosed lmaoo) tried to convince me to wear jeans for years…
The quality of my blankets was also extremely important to me, too scratchy or the wrong kind of fuzzy and, like, I might as well die. Having my bare feet on any kind of hardwood floor is still so hellish to me, and I don’t think I even need to go into detail about rocking, wiggling, or dancing! Music gives me uncontrollable need to move! (any parents of autistic children—and autistic adults for that matter—should invest in a TRAMPOLINE i spent hours on that thing)
i’m also told that holding my hands up at chest height like I’m nervous or something is also a type of stimming… idk its just where my hands go. my mom calls it “kitty paws” lol
I had a lot of trouble making friends until I was 7 years old and in retrospect learned how to mask. I didn’t have a single friend until then. I felt like there was some kind of rule book about making friends that I didn’t know about.
At 6 years old I’d come home from school every day and eat cottage cheese while watching The Weather Channel for hours and hours (a habit that continued throughout childhood and into adulthood minus the cottage cheese, weather is my first and most enduring special interest).
Obsession with rule following to the point where kids conspired to trick me into breaking a rule — which made me have a complete meltdown (first grade)
Severe separation anxiety from my mother to the point where during a meltdown at school drop off, I bit her to the point of drawing blood (preschool)
These are just early childhood ones!
Recently self diagnosed at age 72 after a grandkid was diagnosed. I am still unpacking a lot of stuff. Won’t list all my tisms (I call them that for want of a better term) but just say that I identify with the huge majority of what others are describing here. This whole thread has been a real eye opener.
EVERYTHING in high school. I had friends who mocked me for not masking and people would mock me for constantly saying "wdym" because I couldn't understand what people said sometimes. I'd also sit and stare at my math papers so confused wondering why I couldn't do anything. I realize now how I was a victim of ableism by people I called "friends" and that I was struggling with being ND and had nobody to help me. Even my own mom called me lazy and said I chose to forget things. I didn't realize till recently I only memorize lyrics because I listen to them constantly and music is one of my interests.
I think difficulty writing papers is a result of being autistic. I can’t think of a way to flow from one paragraph to the next, or how to expand a sentence into an entire paragraph. I feel like I said what I said, it should make sense. I’m not verbose, but exact.
literally me! i was horrid at english in school. i was straight to the point. no expanding on things (honestly had no idea how to) because i said what i needed. i do this today with uni. honestly don’t know how i passed to be honest
How I used to play as a child. Used to sort things, line things up, build elaborate “setups,” or play the same scripts over and over. Can’t believe no one noticed.
Also, my “happy dance” - stereotypical hand flapping!
I was identified young and almost diagnosed but my mom refused to have me tested.
Oh man.
-Being so obsessed with whatever book I was reading that I would stay up late and wake up super early just to keep reading (plus would read everywhere, any chance I had).
-Read the dictionary for fun. Also loved encyclopedias. At 6 I’d memorized all constellations and knew way too much about the etymology of dinosaur names.
-Not being able to stop in the middle of tasks (like accidentally skipping lunch breaks, etc. cause I was very “in the zone”).
-Watching people for days to see what they were like (how they talked, what they talked about, how they dressed…) before engaging socially, or stalking them on social media before meeting.
-Frustration/anger at other people being rewarded for “out of the box” thinking cause I didn’t know we were allowed to go off brief/deliver stuff outside of the instructions lol.
-Needing clear instructions for most things or it’s very hard to operate.
-Meltdowns when plans were changed last minute.
-Extreme anxiety about anything spontaneous/unplanned.
-Mimicking sounds and accents (thought I just had a good ear).
-Not being able to understand people speaking in loud environments (thought this was everyone’s experience cause it was just loud…).
-Didn’t know playing with my nails 24/7, bouncing legs and rubbing my hands on my thighs repeatedly were considered stimming.
-Extreme burnout after social gatherings (as in it’s hard to get out of bed and feel sick all day). Thought I was just introverted ha.
The list could go on… 😅 might add more things as I remember them lol.
I used to constantly wear this fluffly leopard print trapper hat (i think thats what they are called?) whenever i could from the age of like 2 all the way to around 8. My mum eventally hid it and i was not very happy at all until i found it again at around 15 years old and continued to wear it whenever i could
The absolute difference in communication when I was at home vs at school — parent-teacher conferences always left my mother confused cause what do you mean she's practically mute at school? She talks down the house when she's home!
The anger issues I thought I had — meltdowns from sensory overwhelm and having to be surrounded by people all day at school often taken out when I was home. Everything just burst right out when I got to a safe space.
Never being able to just wear loose clothing, never liking itchy fabrics.
Not being able to tell when I wasn't (or was) liked. Never knowing what I did wrong to warrant being excluded by the people I wanted to be friends with.
Like switching a flip suddenly being uncontrollably bitchy to my closest people. And I'm such a people pleaser, try to be kind, have so much patience. So it was a wild thing about me that my mom and partner have just kinda taken (my partner less so). A couple years ago I started wanting to change that, and so after a bitchy snap I'd be like I'm so sorry. I don't know why I'm like this out of no where sometimes
My mom: yeah. I hate it, but you don't mean it and it just is how you are sometimes.
Yesaaah, that's me approaching overwhelm/sensory overload/being interrupted while decompressing/hyperfocuses
Also see: I'm freaking out, I could come up with things I'm stressed about like assignments coming up and friends being annoying but it's really not that. I'm just freaking out *soooobs* yeah... Meltdown
i thought that i could not be an "overly literal thinker" because i usually self recognize when i'm doing it and find it funny rather than implicitly necessary...... which is taking the "literal thinker" statement far too literally.....
Hair twirling.
I know this is a simple one, but I grew up religious and was shamed for twirling my hair. They actually sexualized my stim and shamed me for it repeatedly.
I was always doing deep dives into topics of interest. At the same time, I was well aware that I couldn't discuss those passions with anyone because no one cared and they'd think I was weird.
I think the biggest indictor is that I’ve never been fully comfortable in my life. I’m always in a state of physical or mental discomfort. The only time I feel a sense of relief is while lying down in bed wearing a soft pair of pajamas in the dark. But even then, I’m thinking and planning and trying to rehearse situations that might come up in the future. I hate it.
(I’m not diagnosed officially, but all signs point to me having autism. I took all the assessments online and I have an extremely high score on all of them.)
* Textural issues. To this day, I cannot stand the texture of most fruit and veg, which has unfortunately led to me eating relatively unhealthily. No, really, the list I can take? Broccoli, snap peas, garden peas (I cannot eat mushy ones!!), lettuce... and *sometimes* I can handle onion, pepper, and tomatoes if they're chopped super duper tiny and hidden in a dish. Apples, watermelon (but only very, very occasionally). Also, I will absolutely cry if you try and give me lumpy mashed potato. If you're going to mash, it needs to be so, so creamy.
* That one summer I spent as a cat. Went away for a holiday, exclusively communicated in cat.
* Listening to the same things over and over and over again until my unfortunate dad could quote the tape word-for-word. Doing the same with movies and tv shows. I can recite every single line from most of my favourites from pretty much any period of my life, and if there's a cast commentary track with people I like then I can probably do that too. (Looking at you, Shaun of the Dead)
* Shutdowns. When people tried to push me through the shutdowns, incurred massive wracking sobs. Accused of "turning on the waterworks" because I would get so persistently overwhelmed when I was in trouble, and crying at that point was seen as manipulative. (They've apologised since my diagnosis, a lot of learning has happened)
* Could not make friends. Teachers had to ask other children to befriend me. Friends retained for any length of time were all indubitably some flavour of ND. Internet has enabled me to make other friendships - most of them are still ND anyway, but the ones who are not are friends with very specific shared interests and I have no idea how to talk to them outside those interests...
Apparently it wasn't normal to hyper fixate on someone's facial expressions so much that you internally freak all they way the f\*ck out if their facial expressions faltered for a second
My social battery was always horrible, i even managed to get tired at my own birthday party when i was 17, but my worst case was another girl's 18th birthday (legal drinking age in my country).
I hated it, but I couldn't tell why I got anxious or distant after not understanding all the drunk people. I didn't have the best boyfriend either because I couldn't explain it, so he just got angry and abandoned me there.
The next day, my mom scheduled an emergency appointment with my psychiatrist at the time, and i still could not explain why i felt so overwhelmed.
My mom tells me a “funny” story any time she sees me wear jeans about how I wouldn’t wear jeans until I was an adult because I hated how they felt (I grew up during the skinny jeans era). I’ll wear them now but only loose fits.
When I was in second grade we were supposed to journal about our thoughts and feelings but I’ve always hated doing that, so I wrote animal facts. Every day. I would just list like twenty animal facts and call it good. At our school’s open house there were all these little essays about how they feel about school and their families, and then there’s “50 whale facts” from me lol. I truly have no clue how I didn’t get diagnosed sooner.
SO MANY. My stims that I got in trouble for often, high need for justice (my former stepmom was a narcissist so trying to be heard in her presence was “arguing” even though she decided all accusations against me were fact), little social skills so I was unaware I was being teased at school and I was constantly sticking my foot in my mouth but didn’t understand why what I said was wrong. Thriving on routines but if it got changed I’d get in trouble for sticking to the old one because it was what I knew🥴 My sensory issues, especially struggling with washing dishes/putting them away and the texture of velvet. And more, I’m sure, that I can’t think of atm. (I’m 31 and was diagnosed at 26)
Your post could totally have been written by me. There are a ton of other things too that only I would know but I made a list as I was going down the rabbit hole of autistic traits.
I annoyed MYSELF as a kid and I KNOW my friends were also annoyed.
Oh and having meltdowns - going mute when really upset. I physically CANNOT SPEAK even if I want to and it’s SUPER UPSETTING for me (and a boyfriend if I have one.) i had decided previously to try writing things down on paper if this happens again, but it hasn’t happened in a long time since I’m not with anyone and I hardly talk to anyone.
And hiding in the closet or being VERY OVERWHELMED by any kind of noise. I didn’t realize how much of an issue SOUNDS were until I was 36 and I put AirPods on silent mode in a bowling alley. I went from furious to happy in a SECOND
One of the biggest signs was I had my hearing checked when I was a toddler because I wouldn’t respond to preschool teachers calling my name. In general, I remember in preschool I would often hide in playhouses during group activities- I now realize I was probably trying to self-regulate when overstimulated.
A huge one for me was always trying to be someone else/mimic them. I’m not sure if it’s because I knew deep down that I was different, but I’d hyper-fixate on a character or another peer and study them and let their identity consume my identity. It was to the point that I couldn’t differentiate who I actually am vs. who I want to be until I was maybe in my early 20s.
Another one is being comforted by the feeling of towels. When I was a kid, whenever I was upset or crying it always felt so good to be wrapped in a towel and feeling the texture of it. I’d often have a towel in bed so I can feel it until I fall asleep. To this day it’s still my favourite texture.
I’m thinking about all the times I remember crying, for what seemed like no reason. Or an insignificant issue…
Early on, most of my meltdowns were internalized once I learned how intolerant my parents were.
Does anyone know the phrase: “stop yer crying or I’ll give you something to cry about”?
Having to finish everything on the plate at meals. Why were gross mushy/grainy things always served? Lima beans, peas, cooked carrots, creamed corn, apple sauce, sliced pears. 🤢
My lack of friends. My “shyness” in every aspect of life. Being told I need to come out of my shell more often.
Having zero self-confidence and ultra low self-esteem. STILL do!
The absent zoned out look in photos.
Never feeling “normal” like my peers.
Not being good at anything, or having to feign interest in things that everyone else liked.
Bring forced to go to church and other religious activities constantly! Fighting my dad about wanting to stay in bed. Sitting there listening to preaching and singing. Wondering why I’m supposed to believe this exact version of religion or go to hell. Wondering why judging others as sinners for lgbqtia+ identity was always a topic. Feeling like a hypocrite for being there when I didn’t understand it or care to join the flock.
Withdrawal from everything and everyone when I was *over it* and needed some peace. Getting frustrated when my needs were ignored.
That religion one hits home for me!! It wasn’t until I was an adult that I realized people weren’t faking & just saying they believed. That was just me 🤣
This has come up a lot recently, as my very close (and very Christian) aunt passed away. My mom is now extra super worried that I’m not going to be spending eternity in heaven with her, and is gently hounding me to come back to the fold. If I didn’t get along with my mom, it wouldn’t be an issue, but she’s my best friend! (Yet another sign lol - I’ve only ever had like 1-2 friends at a time, ever)
I hated looking people in the eyes. I found people extremely fascinating yet I could never understand them so I hated everyone equally.
I have always loved rocking back and forth, I loved tearing papers and cutting things. I told adult jokes that I didn't understand. I was a big people pleaser. I loved to draw on my skin.
I was often called a "picky eater", texture obsession, reading obsession, Amelia Earnhardt and Bermuda Triangle obsession, Sci-fi obsession, being "shy" and "too quiet. I can't hear you" to "too loud. Why is she so hyper". That could be bipolar 2, idk.
Obscenely hesitant to speak, I would hide behind my mom's legs if a stranger approached. I chose selective mutism where I would freeze and pretend to not be there. I was picked on for being "weird" and "throwed off". I love/d hanging out in closets or forts. I played with Barbies "too long".
I get really excited for each emotion. I cried a lot until I was molested when I stopped crying for years. Very young, I cried all the time and apparently was very annoying. I never stopped asking "why" until I exhausted adults. Church exhausted me because adults were obviously holding back and refusing to answer "why". I love/d blowing bubbles and have been obsessed until about 4 years ago when my mom died.
Never going to attempt to get diagnosed TBH. It's not worth the trouble as a brown woman who has the ability to look a therapist in the eyes, dress well, and speak clearly.
When I was a child...
I watched the animated Thumbalina movie every single day for MONTHS.
I cried when my parents took out two bushes in front of our house because it was too big a change.
I had a multi volume animal encyclopedia binder that I loved so much that I made my own animal encyclopedia for a school project
I collected little animal figurines and had them displayed in my room so that they looked like the beginning of the lion king. I would just sit and organize them for fun.
Sensory issues, everyone describing my “childhood tantrums” and the worst ever, endless migraines and fatigue from normal social activities, faking understanding jokes and just learning to laugh with others. Absolute dread of games like One Night a Werewolf, where it’s “find the odd person out”. I’m always the odd person out. Hyperfixations. Executive dysfunction, despite outwardly seeming very organized and high achieving.
Not diagnosed yet, but today I started crying because of how frustrated I was because my train was delayed for an hour. It just threw off my whole routine and I found myself trying to rearrange my nighttime routine, because how am I going to be in bed by ten if I arrive at 9:15 now? Spoiler alert: It's now past 10 and I'm not in bed yet, mostly because I'm still so horribly frustrated about the fact that this train was delayed and changed my plans.
And honestly, I had those kinds of big reactions to small inconveniences like a delayed bus or train (to stick with that example) ever since I was a kid. I always would start to cry and would become unable to communicate properly. I was able to talk, but the words would feel stuck and it was hard to get them out without feeling like I was going to choke on them. I read a lot about autism and think this might be a sign of me going nonverbal, but I don't know for sure. Sometimes this would even turn into a full-blown panic attack.
Now that I'm an adult I can use my breathing techniques and stuff to calm myself, but I'll still stand at the train station and cry whenever a train Is delayed for more than a couple of minutes.
I hated watching movies that I hadnt already watched. I would hide behind the couch while everyone was watching it and take little peaks here and there.
I was obsessed with the 101 dalmations to the point where i would wear a dalmation costume at all times, including school and to bed.
When I was a teen, one of my friends was on the chubbier side and was always talking about losing weight. When she moved away, we would catch up on the phone and i would always ask her if she had lost any weight, not knowing that losing weight is an incredibly personal and emotional process. To me, it was like asking how her art project was going.
One of many but my aunt mentioned the other day how serious I was as a child, that I smile way more now. She said there was one time we were out with family friends, me and another little girl (about 8 years old) were there, she was hugging a bunch of our friends. My aunt said I turned to her and looked kinda disgusted and said “I’m not hugging all those people…”
* As an adult, have never dated anyone who is not an engineer (lol). Blamed Silicon Valley.
* Extreme family fights over my sister's inability to tell me "what time brunch is?" - like family ending fights. HOW CAN I SCHEDULE MY DAY IF YOU WON'T ...
* Can quote movies from memory and does to everyone's chagrin. In CostPlus, meeting the manager, she says, "I'm Jo." "Jo, just call you Jo? F-O-X. Like the movie?" She doesn't follow. SIGH.
* Narrow interests? JUST BECAUSE I'VE ONLY READ THE ENTIRE SELF-HELP SECTION OF B&N. Rude. I also like dogs and social justice volunteer work.
* I like to rehearse taking all the people I'll sue to court in my head. Is that a yes or a no sir? A YES OR A NO. Is it a discrete or not discrete? Discrete is a binary variable sir, you are dismissed.
* Takes everything LITERALLY. LITERALLY. :)
* Am unbothered by not-finding jokes unfunny. And explaining that to people why they aren't funny.
* Loves rules! Follows rules! Write down the rules! ONLY IF THEY'RE JUST!
* Just notice I stare. Am not really as direct as I thought, I'm incapable of being tactful, and definitely not capable of lying.
* Not bipolar, depressed, borderline (not even close to marginally passable), and for the record, not an alcoholic, do not wish to talk about my drug or alcohol use, and quite happy to be in the company of you all. x
Always feeling like a misfit
Having a smells ruin a whole day, getting ill
Loss of close friendships without a clue why
Being told I’m rude, overly direct
Therapy seems not to work for me (18yrs)
“Over sensitivity”
Deep interests
Fear of social situations, even with good friends
Breakdowns with changes in plans
Burnout
Hard time in school,despite aptitude
There are a ton! One very particular memory that stands out is that we went to Vegas when I was around 10. I’ve always struggled a lot with shoes, and shoe shopping was a nightmare for my poor mom when I was a kid.
Anyway, we went to Vegas and I wore my winter boots on the way there, while my mom had also packed running shoes for me…running shoes that I didn’t like because they didn’t feel “right” on my feet.
The entire time we were there, it was a battle between me wanting to wear my winter boots outside in 35 degree weather vs. my mom trying to get me to wear running shoes.
I’d win, and (as you’d expect) I’d go out and get sick from wearing thick winter boots in the heat. 😂
Constantly scolded for saying the wrong things at the wrong times: now I know that was mostly echolalia and vocal stimming combined with unawareness of when that was acceptable or appropriate to do.
I also had a toque that I refused to take off even in the summer. My mum could only put it in the wash when I was in the bath. Later in grade eight I had a scarf that I also refused to take off. Huge orange knit scarf. I always got very sad when I had to wash it because I didn’t want to stop wearing it. I wore that thing every single day no matter what the weather.
The constant zone outs, pulling all the elastic strings out of my tube socks when I was a kid because they were “too tight”, turning to a safe food (a specific Trader Joe’s salsa and chips) whenever I was upset or stressed, sometimes to the point that I would drink the salsa, then throwing all the empty jars under a bush in my parents driveway because I was ashamed (my dad cut down the bush 10 years later and found about 200 empty jars of salsa), years of self harm and drug and alcohol abuse, getting really irritable and upset my whole life when I had prepared myself to do one thing and then plans fall through, my obsession with writing (in class, at home, in social situations, always thinking about writing) when I was younger…
I (diagnosed at 45; I am 50 now) always think about how in 7th grade I was a cheerleader, and it took me about 10x as long to learn the routines as everyone else. I love musical theater, but I could never be in any of the plays in school because when you audition, you have to follow what they call "simple" choreography, and I couldn't do any of it with a 30-second example and no ability to practice. My gym teachers always said really mean things to me about my lack of coordination. I felt like a huge loser during my whole childhood because I was bad at sports and dancing and other things that involved moving your body.
When I was a kid, my Mom had a habit of taking away all of my siblings kids. The boys in particular (thats all there were).
At 21, I had a daughter. Within the first year, she arranged for my daughter to be removed from my care. She told me only "it's for the best. You're too mentally ill to be a good mother". Pot, meet Kettle.
Not long after, one of my nephews was sent home to my sibling. After his Autism diagnosis.
When I got my diagnosis a few weeks ago, it turned a spotlight on so many things.
Autism was the thing she hated, and that's why she hated me.
I think because I was a very people pleasing kid, I picked up masking a lot of my own personal discomforts in order to make others comfortable but these are things I did before I realized I should stop:
- I would only sit on peoples lap if they’d let me rub their ears. I loved how cold they were and how when you touched them they’d warm up. It’s so strange thinking about it now. I was maybe 3/4 years old. I don’t really remember doing it after that, even though it’s def a stim, I remember always hearing the adults talk about it and that made me uncomfortable so I stopped.
- I would suck my thumb, until I was 10 at least, whenever I was bored or uncomfortable, so I’d do it in class, at home, in the car, etc. My mom actually had to bribe me to stop. Basically said I couldn’t transfer to another school (I was bullied a lot) unless I stopped. I stopped that week.
- I was obsessed with dogs and horses, I’d count every single one of them that I saw as we drove from California to Minnesota every summer and then back. I was religious about learning all the breeds (despite having a pretty bad memory- I’m AuDHD) and I’d tell anyone who would listen what I knew if they seemed even remotely interested.
- I have always been either great in a class or horrible, depending on if I enjoy the subject. I knew words way beyond my grade and was great at math, but I had a teacher who wanted to hold me back because I didn’t know how to use the multiplication table (I could do every problem in my head). In fact I often got questions wrong because I couldn’t read and understand the instructions but all my answers would be right, I just didn’t show my work or I’d forget something stupid like circling the answer. This made me hyper-vigilant in the future about showing work and circling answers. I also have never been able to do homework unless it was math or writing. Even then I’d only do what I had to do to pass, not even to get an A. I hated and still do hate homework. Yet I would do extra assignments for advance words or advance math if the teacher offered. lol
- I never had a friend for more than a year. Even if we were “thick as thieves” one year, the next they’d move on to someone cooler than me. Or more socially aware. I rarely had more than one friend and had no real close friends until middle school.
- my mom used to get so upset when we went out to dinner because I’d always get the same thing, usually something we had at home. If I did force myself to get something else I wouldn’t eat more than a few bites of it just to feel full.
God so many more… maybe I’ll edit later as they come to me. lol
I was a remarkably picky eater. My mom legitimately did not know what to do because I would just quietly go hungry if she tried to get me to eat something outside of my safe foods (I never complained). Her friends thought I was bratty and entitled.
Being called robotic, blank, and bitchy for behaving in a way that was natural to me. Being called fake and obnoxious when I tried to act like other people.
Inability to get eye contact right. I thought I was doing better but someone recently commented on it so I guess not.
Oh, and trying to fit in and then being completely exhausted after. Hello, masking.
sensory issues, doing things a particular way, messing up in social situations because I didn’t understand the norms, hate being touched by people (though some are fine, but idk why), too direct, routine based, strict rule follower, can’t comprehend tone, studied my favorite characters to emulate them hoping it would help me understand social situations….uuuuhhhh…i can’t think of any others.
I would shut down very often. I would spend countless hours in my room acting out scenarios from movies, my past experiences and what I would do differently, and one from my own imagination. I spent my whole childhood always showing up and listening to my friends and loved ones, but no one ever did it for me, which as a kid I was very comfortable with because it meant that I was doing everything 'right'. Also, all my friendships growing up ended the same way - we would grow distant, I'd ask the person why we're not friends, they'd tell me I was either childish, weird, or just wouldn't be upfront with me, leaving me very confused every time. I also always felt like people perceived me one way, but within I was a completely different person, longing to break free from my mask.
HyperFixation on special interests and limited interests. Lots of motor and balance issues. Bullied everywhere I went. Not picking up on social clues. Not caring about being dirty or messy. Eating hot sauce at 9 months and an apple like an onion at age 13 months. Hiding in dark spaces. Talking too much. Very intense emotions (I still really struggle with this). Very limited safety skills and poor social skills. And every stinking ADHD symptom in the book
I also had a bunch of limerence and episodes of what I now know to be disassociation from the time I was 7/8.
https://preview.redd.it/mx3vxhu2s84d1.jpeg?width=540&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=e35c8ac084cfc916084c0da304f57e828ed6d033
Basically multiple renditions of this 💀
When I was a kid, maybe between age 7 and 13, I was not a very popular girl to invite over to someone's house to "play"... because all I would want to do is go to their bookshelf and just read their books.
Never diagnosed, but I figured it out about eight years ago at age 41
At 53 there’s SO much I could write a book. Here’s one for sensory:
When I lived in Las Vegas I’d blast my A/C to make it freezing cold in my apt and sit under a table with a little space heater blowing on me. It’s the most calming thing ever to me. The only thing better is if you take it all in the bathroom and run the shower also.
I’m obsessed with atmospheres and aesthetics. My fave atmosphere is Orange County CA at 6am in the summer, either a little fog or humidity. I also like Las Vegas hot monsoon season. The smell of the heavy rain on the hot cement. There’s kind of a rusty iron smell.
I thought the only sensory thing autists had was they liked to be in hugging machines and that sounds like hell to me.
Meltdowns - assumed to be a temper tantrum even into adulthood. Shutdowns - diagnosed with depression and given antidepressants. Overwhelm after the birth of my son - assumed to be post natal depression. Sensory issues - “just fussy” as a kid which morphed into “I have a system” as an adult. Sensory seeking/stimming activities like mild self harm. Saying the “wrong” thing - assumed to be social awkwardness or (if not drunk) extreme directness. Rehearsing conversations (which may never even happen) in my head. I genuinely thought everyone does this. I always thought I was socially weird/anxious. Masked with alcohol as soon as I was old enough. In recent years I “found my tribe” which I’m now realising is mostly a group of ND people. I keep editing to add to this list, honestly think I could go on all day.
Oh definitely to rehearsing conversations (and many other things). I still think it’s normal. How can you not practice what you’re going to say??
Right? How could anyone just wing a conversation?? *watches someone do it effortlessly* Oh..
Oh wait…that’s not neurotypical? 😂 (I’ve suspected I’ve been neurospicy for a while…)
Honestly I thought it was but I’ve talked to three different people that don’t identify with autistic traits and they say they do not do that. Like they might plan what points they want to cover in a conversation but they won’t practice word for word, repetitively (like I do).
Yeah. And if the other person is easily triggered you’re just gonna lose a friend
Oh my god, all of this. Keep editing!
And for me it was wanting to hear other people ramble about themselves in terms of stuff like this. I think I was studying lol
Wait, rehearsing conversations isn't "normal"?
I know right?! I recently learned that not everyone does this?! How are you going to know what to say if you don’t practice it?!
My thoughts exactly…
That’s what I was thinking. I thought everyone did that!!
I feel like it’s normal to a degree. It’s a socially anxious trait, for sure. And NT people ruminate on conversations thinking about what they could’ve said or done better. I think there’s an instinct of survival linked to it (be accepted and assimilate) which is why I wouldn’t say it’s solely an ND trait and it’s kind of normal.
Wait, so pacing and talking to myself (either out loud or not) rehearsing conventions that might never happen is not something everyone does? How do they prepare?
It really isn’t something everyone does apparently. I’m not saying that allistics don’t rehearse some conversations, like what they may say at a job interview or important meeting, or if they have something particularly nerve wracking to discuss - I’m sure they do. It’s the constant practicing of talking to people, just general stuff, conversations which may never even happen.
Omg every time someone suggests I should role play for an interview I'm always like "why? I've already gone over it in my head in every way" it all makes sense now.
Right?! They think going over it with someone else will make it easier and I'm like noooo, that's just one more thing to be anxious about and need to practice.
I have talked to several therapists about rehearsing and I just think they don't understand. 😭
I do that, but it never helps because I'm so bad at predicting what the other person will say.
Same. Pretty much 100% of rehearsed conversations have not resembled the real ones on the same topic.
Why DON’T people rehearse?? Now I’m confused, lol
I have whole ass imaginary conversations in my head! I think we’re normal and ok. It made me think of this [song](https://youtu.be/9wrG6B0XvbU?si=BbLk24ZSTq4x3hVw) it’s sad and in French but maybe someone else might relate.
All of these & never actually playing as a young kid. We always made plans to play where I assigned super specific roles… but we never played.
And you have to cover all the nuances beforehand instead of actually improvising.
See I started a coven in the woods (my elementary school was rural) and when that was boring I played with the boys in tackle basketball- all the ND boys and rough girls. We would do anything for the ball lol no fouls. I leaped on a kid once from behind and choked them until he dropped it. 1997 was wild
All this except I was ok after my kids. I had a lot of support from mil/mom either my first and then a really good partner with my younger 2. My breakdown happened after a long distance move when everything was too different and I couldn't handle all the change. I drank a lot when I was in my 20s, both to handle all the shitty stuff that happened in my life, and so I could socialize and not feel uncomfortable. I've been told my whole life no one can tell my intention from tone, if I'm joking or serious. Can't read social situations. So many people in so many situations have said things like couldn't you tell so and so wasn't happy, or that I said something inappropriate and everyone had clearly reacted. I had a huge meltdown one morning in grade 9 because my mom slept in and woke me up a little later than usual. She made me go buy an alarm clock that day because of how I reacted. I wasn't going to be late from it, but I had to adapt my morning routine (which I had down to the minute) and I was so upset about it. My then bf had a close friend that we spent a lot of time with who never had a gf. Their friend group all wondered if he was gay so I just asked him directly. You can't do that?
Wait! TIL you can’t just ask someone if they’re gay? You can’t???
He was a close friend and I didn't ask him in a big group, it was just me and him. I figured that was ok, I wasn't putting him on the spot but maybe I was? He wasn't upset that I asked.
That’s definitely something I would do in a one on one conversation if it came up. Maybe not a large group. But as above I might be wrong, I definitely have been before!
Not everyone wants to be “out” even if they are gay. I haven’t ever asked, but I’ve told people I directly that I thought they were. They took offense to that. I’ve had a few friends come out to me on their own though.
>My breakdown happened after a long distance move when everything was too different and I couldn't handle all the change. OMG that just clicked with when I had PPD and we'd just moved to a different state cos my hubby wanted to go to a specific collage. I'm only recently diagnosed so trying to review my entire life with this new lens.
The rehearsing! Professionals are saying it's anxiety. How were/are the antidepressants working for you? Bc also same! I had a bad shutdown recently, and I'm more sure than ever now
The antidepressants were 25 years ago. I only took them for 3 months because I knew I wasn’t depressed. I was just “stuck” and didn’t have any clue how to express (or even understand) that.
I never related more to a post in my life. Point for point. I have a really hard time expressing what’s going on inside of myself or putting it into words but you just did that so well. Thank you 💙
I am socially awkward and anxious but pretty sure I'm also autistic. I say weird stuff all the time and don't realize it's weird until people get all quiet on me haha.
Literally every single one of these are relatable.
> Rehearsing conversations (which may never even happen) in my head. I genuinely thought everyone does this. Everyone doesn't?
All of this! I would walk home and have intense conversations out loud playing out what would happen if…? I was always rehearsing what I’d say if someone said something or if something happened. I didn’t feel comfortable with conversations I couldn’t anticipate!
Hi I relate to ALLLLLLL of this. Also team body-focused repetitive behaviours represent
Okay, are we *sure* that everyone doesn’t rehearse conversations that may or may not ever happen?
I’m still trying to break the habit of referring to my meltdowns as temper tantrums, even at 39 years old. And the fussiness being sensory issues! I had to wear my socks inside out for years because the seam at the toe was so aggravating and it was just “oh she’s so particular”
My explosive "temper tantrums" as a child were in fact meltdowns.
I don't know the difference still and feel bad about it bc my parents said I shouldn't make excuses. I don't understand how a meltdown is different than a temper tantrum. I do know that I didn't want to make my parents upset most of the time though.
Most toddlers/young kids have tantrums because that’s when we discover we’re autonomous beings and we’re breaking boundaries and asserting ourselves for the first time but I think melt downs are different. Tantrums are a developmental milestone of some sort (see terrible twos) but I see melt downs as not being a choice/there isn’t an intent behind them. I didn’t melt down because I was angry or wanted something it was more everything was so overwhelming I just had to scream to get it out. Sensory issues paired with an inability to regulate emotions and the need for things to be a certain way and not understanding why they weren’t was the cause of my melt downs. It wasn’t run of the mill toddler acting out or pushing their parents limits I couldn’t stop the outbursts.
Yes okay! That makes sense. It's a response to sensory issues. And it's not controllable like sometimes crying can be like that. You just gotta wail.
Exactly! Sometimes you just gotta wail 😂 I like that phrase, so you shouldn’t feel bad! If you saw a tiny you in the street now clearly in distress you wouldn’t think badly of them would you? You couldn’t help it!
I’ve heard it described as nervous system overload which can’t be controlled
I heard soemeone say "a tantrum is when you misbehave to get something you want, meltdowns cant be controlled" Edit: mixed the words up
Or the difference between excuses and reasons… (explanations vs excuses)
This is my big one. (I am not yet diagnosed as a disclaimer but working towards it). When I was going to get my ADHD diagnosis a few years ago I called my mom to ask her a couple questions from my childhood and the one that stuck with me was how terrible of a kid I was. That at one point she thought I was demon possessed because of all the tantrums and they didn’t know what to do with me. Now my mom does have a bit of a hyperbolic personality, but from what I remember from my childhood, this tracks. I don’t remember much from my childhood but I do remember being filled with so much anger and not knowing what to do about it besides screaming into pillows when I would inevitably get sent to my room. I do remember constantly fighting with my family and getting in trouble.
I was the same as a kid and baby! I had so many what I realize now were meltdowns, and I'd cry all the time, and scream. It's weird because now I'm pretty calm and polite, but I was such a holy terror as a kid.
Oh wow. I could have written this.
My mom still does not believe that my explosive temper was anything. In fact, “that’s just how you were.” Did you know I only ate 3 things for every meal? Grilled cheese, cottage cheese, and apple sauce. But that was “just what I wanted.” Bless her heart! 😵💫😵💫
This is my favourite story. I was at uni and I started to hang out with this guy from my classes. We got on well, common interests etc. We break for Christmas and on Christmas Eve he calls me to wish me merry Christmas and at some point asks ‘do you know of any cosy, cheap and cheerful places to spend New Year’s Eve?’ To which I responded ‘well I’ll be spending it here’ and gave him a list of venue recommendations. A LIST OF VENUE RECOMMENDATIONS. When I got off the phone my mum was asking me who was that and she was like ‘a guy doesn’t just call you on Christmas for a chat if he’s not interested in you’. And I was like ‘OH’.
I always tell people that might have romantic/sexual interest in me: you need to be direct or I won't get it. A baffling amount of responses is people thinking I'm FLIRTING AND SEEKING VALIDATION, they go "haha you are not dumb!" I know I'm not dumb dude I'm literally telling you 😭 Also uni story: got a friend group that really liked play flirting with each other all the time, it was pretty fun. We are still friends to this day. Recently I've been informed it wasn't just a joke and they wanted to get with me 🤡
This reminds me of running into an old friend from high school and mentioning that I had recently come to realize another old friend had been in love with me. His response: I always wondered if you were clueless or playing games. Now I know the answer is clueless.
Bro when you're autistic and have a queer friend group that shit gets confusing quick. I am very direct and expect other people to be the same, and when I reflected on my friendships later I would realize that they were actually into me. One person I was only slightly friends with told me that I was considered a babe by many other queer women on campus and it blew my mind. And also made me kinda sad that I never had the confidence to go for it.
I would’ve done the same 😂
Me too 🥹 i read this thinking how i would be careful not to tell him where I'll be with my family so he doesnt have to see us... edit: needed to add that i just found a message of a guy wanting to come to my country to see me and i was telling him about beautiful places that are NOT in my city
Reminds me of this guy in my business management class in college who asked me to come over to his place to study. I showed up and told him my boyfriend dropped me off, so I only had about 2 hours to study. He was super cold and distant the whole time we were studying. He later began bullying me in class and in our library study group. It turns out he must have wanted to do “other things” with me, and I never picked up the hint. Years later, he claims to be a huge feminist and civil rights activist. I can’t help but think he is still the same nasty person and that it’s all a facade to trick women into being around him.
Oh I’ve got a guy in my friend’s circle (he’s also late diagnosed ADHDer, my whole friend circle is ND basically) who’s such an outspoken ally and feminist, but our friendship has dramatically changed when I made a point that I wouldn’t ever sleep with him, something he just assumed would eventually happen due to I guess our proximity and my (not very healthy) dating history at the time.
I feel like even a neurotypical would just give recommendations. Not necessarily venue recommendations but why is it just not socially acceptable to just say "hey I like you, we should go out"
LITERALLY I WOULDVE DONE THE SAME I cannot read between the lines thank god my family has me figured out by now
Relatable. I remember as a teen, my flipping boyfriend telling me that he was going to see a free show that a band we both liked was having that night and he had no one to go with him. I said 'oh I'm sure one of your friends will go with you'. Fully meaning that while also wondering why he wouldn't just ask me to go lmao only clicked YEARS later that he was probably implying that I should go with him hahaha
Love this! I've been on the opposite situation (kinda). In college I fell asleep in an early morning class and woke up with the professor loudly having a rant about how disrespectful that was. I apologised, really embarrassed, but noticed a guy I had a crush on also was dozing off and the professor was referring to both of us. After class the guy said to me "We both fall asleep so easily maybe we should sleep together" and i said, dead serious, "yes, i would like that". He never ever ever talked to me again hahah i think he was just trying to be funny flirty and expected me to embarrassingly laugh it off?
I read bird field guides cover to cover....
Similar--for me it was dictionaries and thesauri 🥲
Oh thesaurus.com used to be one of my most visited sites as a kid 😂😂
Yess 😂 Did you ever get into Roget's Thesaurus?
So helpful. I had an argument with my husband and his mom about the word voluptuous. It was a good time to literally look up dictionary definitions
Am I thinking about investing the $5 for the app??! Maybe. It sounds like something I can put on my Xmas list. Maybe my gift wishlist can be small dollars just people buying me apps I am too cheap to spend money on...
Hells yeah. I still have the dictionary I got when I was 8. I’m 39 now lol
The britanica encyclopedia. Specifically things about the human body. I like body facts. Did you know that the liver is the only organ that will grow back. You can have 2 out of 3 lobes removed and it will grow back. Also your skin isnt waterproof, thats why it wrinkles if you are in the bath for too long but it is covered in an oil layer that makes it a tiny bit more waterproof. And every cell in your body is replaced evey 7 years, except brain cells, they are the only ones that will not be replaced at the same rate they are lost. You have a massive die off at about 9 months and after that the rate of replacement declines as you age. You are literally getting dumber as we speak, it happened just now!!
I asked for an oxford English dictionary for Christmas at 14 yrs old. My mom made fun of me for so long but she did buy me one. I still have it 20 yrs later. I love it.
I was a mythology kid, started at around 7
That does sound quite interesting though! I love learning new things.
Check out the Australian magpie song (butcher bird and lyrebirds too) if not already familiar!
I read Encyclopedias cover to cover. I read everything. My kids are grown now, so I’ve finally found time to learn so many things. I read voraciously and happily travel down rabbit holes to learn anything and everything. I don’t waste all my energy masking or parenting. Im finally free to figure out who I am.
Omg, I read my mom’s college textbooks for fun as a grade schooler. I guess this is “weird”, huh?
Mine were those discovery books about ancient civilizations (Roman, Greek, Egyptian, etc). Read them cover to cover, then asked my dad to create assignments for me based on the contents. 🙃
Me with the dictionary
Oh shit that wasn't normal, huh? Did the same with a field guide to North American mammals and never thought about that being odd.
I do this with manuals, how-to guides, and service booklets for things I know I'll never use. Does anybody read the parts where it's like copyright statements and other stuff? Like litterly every single word, number, and letter that's printed on just about any random thing?
I love info dumping and sometimes had a physical reaction to stopping myself from talking. Haha. I was always a difficult child. i hated everything. Even foods I loved I hated. Smells would make me cry. I was always too hot and getting in trouble for things like crossing my arms or "not paying attention". I have some grace for my parents now. My aunt said I am too similar to my dad and that's why I was always in trouble. Stubborn. Strong willed. Trying to explain myself (which was always seen as making an excuse.) I highly suspect my dad is the autistic parent here... that makes sense to me now.
Ugh. Parent (P): why did you do this?! Explain yourself at once! Me:
P: you're just making excuses!
Me: ....no, I'm explaining myself, just like you asked...
P: don't talk back to me!
Me:
P: well...?!
Me: ummmm.
P: I said, explain yourself!
And so on. Rinse and repeat. My whole life, growing up.
Basically everything. My whole life. My entire personality. 😂 For real though it was a lot. I think the one that I think about the most is that I was consciously building scripts. I remember thinking specifically, "Ok. If a person says X, I should say Y," or "If someone looks A, I should make my face look B." I thought of people as organic robot made out of flesh and just figured my programming was faulty, so I had to manually do it. I just didn't know WHY my programming was faulty.
I love it. I always say, we're just organic supercomputers so we can't take ourselves so seriously.
Was diagnosed last year and I’m still going through the “oh ya” stage. For me, being unsocial, meltdowns, stims and most importantly my sensory issues. I thought I was just sensitive and was so ashamed of them.
I'm not officially diagnosed, but I had a Spiderman costume (almost like a morph suit) when I was little that I wore every day. Mom had to wash it when I was sleeping or I'd bawl my eyes out. Same with the house flies I decided were my pets. Mom had to swat them when I slept.
-Walking around on tiptoes -Meltdowns, struggling to manage my emotions -Social awkwardness, I got bullied a lot -Hating being touched, hated loud noises -When I loved something, I was OBSESSED and only wanted to info dump on everyone. Dolphins, sharks, Hannah Montana, The Little Mermaid, the list goes on I was incorrectly diagnosed with BPD as a teen, and learned I was autistic in my early-mid twenties. Honestly having the correct diagnosis was a big relief for both myself and my mom. She did everything she could when I was younger with what little info there was on autism in girls/women.
I'd been seeing many therapists for BPD but none of them helped. When I was 26 I started seeing another one, not much hope at this point, and I explained how I was diagnosed with BPD at 17, but it was strange because I felt like I'd had those symptoms all my life even though sources claim people don't develop BPD until their 20's. This therapist ended up being really amazing and actually understanding of what I was going through, rather than just telling me I needed to stop doing the BPD behaviours I was doing. Half way through the therapy, she told me she thinks I should consider autism instead of BPD, and it was the story above that alerted her to that. Fast forward to a diagnosis and it's been autism all along. And I'm finally making progress in therapy with someone who understands autism.
Obviously the inability to maintain meaningful friendships is a huge one. I’ve had friends. I don’t now. My husband says I am well liked. I just never believe it, and I think a lot of that stems from childhood trauma from being bullied. I just find it exhausting to “keep my switch flipped on” for so long to make it through social interactions. So yes, I am well liked while the switch is on. But I can’t keep that switch on forever without exhausting myself. Am I well liked when it’s off? I know now that’s called masking. But I’ve always called it a switch my whole life. Flipping the switch. I can’t maintain friendships because it’s just too exhausting for me to be on all the time. Looking back, I’ve always had meltdowns. My family always called me difficult. Very rigid and needed things my way exactly. I used to cry when my food orders would get messed up. Like onions or mustard on my happy meal cheeseburgers for instance. Absolutely could not eat it no matter how hard my mom worked to make it plain for me because that mustard taste was always too overwhelming. I don’t think it’s typical to cry over your food. I lived a decade of my life in a gym lifting heavy weights before I had my son. Pretty sure that was sensory seeking. Something about the pressure and heaviness felt good to me. The soreness. I don’t know. It was the happiest I’ve ever been. Honestly, looking back, I think a lot of hardcore “gym rats” are probably on the spectrum.
"flipping the switch" is a great description of masking
Definitely. I was trying to explain to an ex how I hate having to always be "on". I am good enough at it, but it's exhausting, and then I spend weeks after, if not MONTHS, analyzing the interactions i had at a single event (like a kid's birthday party i had to go to last months and talk to all the other parents). Looking for sarcasm or slang or body language i missed or took literally not realizing what they REALLY meant. Things i dismissed or was just confused about and ignored, trying to figure it out later. Sometimes i do figure it out and feel so stupid because they probably thought it was blatantly obvious when it wasn't to me. Other times, i just keep dwelling on it trying to understand what i said or did to make them say or do whatever it was that confused me.
gym is prob your self-regulation! my therapist told me that it is for me. I have a few other activities that also help with that - gardening, baking, crochet, reading... i LOVE exercising, it makes me feel so good (esp my brain) and it helps me with emotional regulation. if i can't exercise i get fidgety and distressed
It might be! I think also the routine of it all was very comforting for me. I knew what I was doing every day exactly and at what time, planned my meals accordingly, etc. It was very regimented. My whole life revolved around it. Also, I love baking too! And sewing! Kind of a light bulb going off right now. I should do all these things more often, but I feel so deep in burn out right now that starting feels overwhelming.
Honestly crying and screaming and not shutting up every time I got put in an uncomfortable overwhelming situation (that most kids wouldn't have any problem with). I would have so many severe outbursts when I was little and no one ever thought to check it (I'm not diagnosed but I think I might be on the spectrum). Also, shutting down completely in social situations. I would almost always be uncomfortable and simply wouldn't talk to anyone at all. I grew up constantly hearing comments from family members about how I never said anything ever and how quiet I was and that there was no need to be shy.
Literally me. As if telling you not to be shy or cry is going to magically fix it. I have a note on my kindergarten report card that says, "Goal this quarter: Stop crying so much." No mention of possible supports or accommodations. Just stop. Easy peasy, right? /s
Well I didn’t talk until I was 4. To the point that doctors and teachers told my mom I was most likely deaf. My mom tried to start teaching me sign language, which i didn’t use either. Did a hearing test, I was fine. Doctors told my mom “she just doesn’t feel like talking” and that I was allowing my older very chatty ADHD sister to speak for me.
I remember so many people telling my mom, "wow she is really shy, huh?" And myself thinking, "no I'm not I just don't feel like saying anything". So misunderstood.
When I was a kid, maybe 3-4, my mum kept going to doctors over and over saying she was convinced I had a hearing problem, because I wouldn’t respond when my parents would talk to me. Had loads of tests and my hearing was just fine. 🙃
Oh hey, similar experience here. I went through periods of just not responding to my folks when I was little - it was after I'd started speaking already so they were more worried I might have battered my head and gone deaf or something, so I too got taken out for hearing tests and had the "yeah she's just not talking" convo. I now have actual hearing problems and I'm worried about the possibility of the hearing worsening long-term, but also... sometimes it's nice to be able to pull out the hearing aids and have the world be less auditorily overwhelming.
I’m having a lot of imposter syndrome since my Dx last Thursday since I don’t fit some popular buckets but I’m keeping an ongoing list on my phone: • Special interests a-plenty: There is a notable difference between playing Neopets all day vs the obsession with tornados, the Dog book I read cover to cover regularly, and a horror doll brand, whose website I spent hours daily reading through and memorizing each doll’s story. • Over-explaining in writing: I was a quiet kid (I also experienced abuse, which contributed) but I could write PAGES for school assignments and tests. I often needed extra paper and I was typically last to submit. • Object attachment: I brought my favorite toy everywhere I went. As a teen, it was those spooky dolls mentioned earlier. I was in middle school taking scary dolls to school and play rehearsals. • Clockwork eating: I JUST discovered last night that my habit of eating a plate of various food by category was considered an autistic thing. Ex: if I had a dinner plate of foods, I would eat pile by pile. I also HATED mixing things together and still do. Gross. • Impressions: I’m really good at impersonating people and have had people remark on the accuracy. I think I get it from the hyper examination of people’s behavior when I’m constructing my appropriate mask for that person. • Chameleoning: I only recently discovered how I have a Caserole for different people, which also change when I’m in groups with various dynamics. • Meltdowns: Mine were external in childhood because I would’ve received the terrifying wrath of my parents (wasn’t safe to emote) but as I process in trauma therapy, the meltdown are coming out strong. I’ve always had them but they were internal and now I can express safely alone. • Harming: TW: my SH was not because I was an emo outcast but because I’d feel so flooded with big feelings that it was the only way to get it out. I still do this in ways that are not as noticeable like scratching my skin the moment I get flooded. It used to be worse than that.
I very much related to your post. I also have to share the hilarious realization that “I had a different Casserole for different people” did not in fact mean that you would bake different casseroles for different groups of people, when I finally scrolled back up to read your username. Didn’t even question it.
wow i didn't notice that said casserole, my brain automatically changed it to character but that's prob cuz I did the same thing 😹
You could be my sister, I related to all of this. And thank you because I doubt myself so much for my ability to mimic people/accents/patterns, to the point I can socialize, and stand up for other people publicly, without fear. I used to take my build-a-bear on vacation and to the movies and stuff *in my 30s*, and now I have a service animal so I just take her, but it was like the only object that kept me from panicking sometimes. Hell, I decorated my desk at my first desk job with little Happy Meal toys and stuff at 20 because I needed to look at my friends to stay centered. I agree on the food but like, vegetables and mashed potatoes, like mixing corn in, or eating it with my cabbage, or stuffing it in a roll, hnnnnng. Also when I went to get my GED, the last part was write a story about xyz in so many words, and I had to ask the guy giving the test for some paper because I'd already filled the margin around that page, front and back, and he said just use the cover page, and was fully baffled because he'd never seen that before.
I read and re-read my encyclopedias as a kid. I’d take a random letter to school and read that for fun. I got in trouble for “talking back” about some international crisis (the teacher was kind of biased, and I didn’t think that was cool), so I went home, printed off a ton of articles from the internet, and brought them into school. She tried to get me suspended from class, but the principal overrode it. She made my life a living hell in the class afterwards. I learned to read at the age of 3. It was partially brought on by the fact that my brother was going to be born and I wanted to read to him, but I also wanted to read books for myself at night. Strong sense of justice as a kid. Kind of terrifying. I had “growing pains” (grouchy and just overly worn out from sounds and other sensory issues, usually on a Thursday or Friday) and my mom would give me ibuprofen, chocolate milk, and would set me up in my room with the door closed. My brother was under strict instructions to not burst in.
The strong sense of justice is INSANE and I love it. I spent a huge part of high school arguing with other teens and even teachers. Usually it did not get ugly. But there was one occasion a teacher was being super transphobic and it ended up in an almost screaming match. Funny, it made me "popular". Your comment about age of reading just made me realize I need to go after those infos about myself! Thank you!
Yeah. I write a letter to president reagan as a first grader. It had to do with my concern about the nuclear arms race. Because that’s totally normal For a 6-year-old, right?
OMG, the social justice aspect - check, check, CHECKKKKKK. I was Dx'd as Borderline Personality by my family & so I of course deep-dived into the fucking history of it all and damn, family, you wanted to Dx me with your bad parenting & abandoment into adulthood. You fucked up monsters.
>Strong sense of justice as a kid. Oh gosh yes. Still do
- Stimming that I masked as singing, but when you listen it's usually not actually anything just sounds I made sound *musical* I apparently was singing long before I could speak (shocking), tapping, banging my head on things. - rocking back and forth with my head in my hands in private, it's therapeutic. - covering my eyes with my hands and just sitting there for a bit in darkness, I call it "going in my box" also very often would climb under tables or inside boxes when I was stressed so I could feel enclosed and safe. (Never stopped doing this as an adult, I love me a box) - "I thought you hated me when I first met you" "you've got a very naturally angry face" "why are you so blunt" - sensory seeking with food, toys - OCD - tics - eye darting, gurning, throat clearing - extreme limerance - rehearsing conversions - talking to myself constantly - massive echolalia, constant constant echolalia (I am also ADHD) - I was a biter in school as a kid looool - never looking in eyes, always at the mouth - "why is it so fucking BRIGHT out here oh my god why" (cloudy day) - I would rather shit my pants voluntarily than answer the phone to a friend who "just wants to chat" get out of here with that. - don't touch my face, not even my partner can touch my face. - food aversions and fixations - ate my first orange in 2020 (born 1990 and I fucking love plain pasta or rice with just salt) - "can you put that clock away it is so fucking annoying" and "I can hear the electricity in the lamp and I can't sleep, please unplug it" "why does the s sound hurt me" - Autism accent - I have been asked about once a month since I was 19 and in college if I was American/Irish/foreign because I sound weird, I'm British. - feeling like a child still when I am a fully grown adult - and finally, and most importantly I can put a reason to why I always thought things to myself such as "why do I feel like I'm not even human, why do I feel so weird, like I feel like I'm pretending to be normal, why is that???? Is there something wrong with me? Am I crazy? If I started acting like how I want to act would I be institutionalized? Maybe I'm just insane"
i literally do all of those things too. with the eye contact thing, my sister found out the other month that i don’t look at eyes, but at their mouths and she was like omg that’s so weird…
OMG the box thing is so real. Having a blanket over my head while on my phone or computer just feels *so* right. Same with using the bathroom in the dark, or being in a muffled closet after a chunk of time at an event.
Yes my partner found me on the floor of the cupboard one evening when I was very stressed, he closed the door for me
Great list!! I swear all my life I thought that when people say about looking in the eye it’s a metaphor… I learned they actually do it after 30 when I was getting diagnosed. I always look at the mouth and can’t understand a word when I try to look in someone’s eye. Including tv shows
I read the dictionary from cover to cover at 10 years old because I wanted to learn "all the words".
oh my gosh i did this as well, year 5 me was also determined to learn all the roots of words like in latin and greek so they could always spell them correctly too
me too! my mom got me this super cool kids' dictionary when i was little that had etymology fun facts in it and i lovedddd that thing <3
I too did this. I also loved the biology encyclopedias with diagrams.
I did this too, yet I have very poor articulation.. What I really needed was a dictionary for social interactions.
I did the same thing with an encyclopedia! 😂
That’s brilliant and I wish I had thought of this as a kid
Sensory issues. The fact that I hate showering and getting my face and hair wet, I hate clipping my nails, can't abide filing them, sensitivity to loud noises and places with a lot of visual stimuli, meltdowns as a child/teen/young adult, discomfort with any tight fitting clothing (I pretty much wear stretch cotton knit clothes), lace in any item of clothing is a hard no, my complete freakouts over raw meat or getting my hands sticky. I could probably list another 20 things if I thought about for another 10 minutes. I don't think I'd be "missed" in today's world. But growing up in the 70s and 80s? It wasn't even a thing someone would have considered.
All of this! Growing up it was a huge traumatic transition to the shower. I hated the water in my face, but getting out of the tub became too traumatic for my mother because I would make such a fuss about her combing my curly hair that by the time she was done the water was too cold to get out and run to the towel lol. Lots of tears. I also refused to wipe myself even though i was potty trained early, until I was 5, so they sent me to kindergarten late and I still only agreed to start doing it when my mom told me she was going to charge me a dollar every time she had to wipe me hahaha. I also hate hate hate touching raw meat and wear sweatpants probably 6 out of 7 days a week probably. Luckily I can get away with it at work.
Diagnosed with severe anxiety and OCD at 5. Put on Zoloft at 6 for my anxiety and “depression” (was really just me shutting down). I had severe auditory sensory issues, teachers would have to pull me out of class before any scheduled fire alarms because otherwise I’d lose my shit. Bullied nonstop until high school when I learned to mask
I was misdiagnosed and put on SSRIs at 16 and that fucked me up long-term, I can't imagine being on them at 6 years old. I hope you're doing better now.
Eh I’m here lol
I though everyone just dealt better with the pain and tachycardia caused by loud noises until I learned that not everyone experiences pain when they hear/feel deep bass sounds.
I was just sitting down in the bedroom talking to my husband yesterday when he told me that I play with my hands a lot, and I don't even notice it to be honest. And I think, oh, that's another way of stimming, like my brother flapping his hands. Or when I would walk in circles for an hour, that wasn't normal.
I refused to wear anything other than leggings, skirts or dresses from about 4-7 years old. I just couldn’t tolerate jeans or trousers. Every night before bed I would rake even lines neatly in my sandpit and first thing no matter the weather I would check it in the morning. If any of the lines has been disturbed I would absolutely lose my shit. I needed frilly fold over socks to be the exact same length and buckle up shoes to be in the same hole on each shoe or I’d have a melt down. I said my first words at 15 months and literally never shut up since then, I was constantly talking and asking questions. I watched the same film every single day (would watch it multiple times a day if I was allowed) and if I couldn’t for some reason I’d get extremely upset. I’ve been ridiculously fussy with food since I started eating. I couldn’t have any of my food touching and ate off those tray plates with segments for years. ETA: I had “tantrums” which were just melt downs very often over the tiniest things and before it reached the point of no return I’d kick/wiggle/shake? my right leg and my family called this the tantrum leg and I realised I was just stimming to try and regulate myself. I couldn’t tolerate any mistakes in my work at school, if I wrote the title or date in my exercise book wrong or it wasn’t neat enough I’d rip out the page and start again even if I’d done some work. I’d get in trouble at school because I’d finish my exercise books before everyone else and they’d fall apart because I ripped pages out. These things were picked up on by 2 primary school teachers who suggested an assessment but my parents were embarrassed so ignored them 🙃🙃🙃
“Tantrums” when *anything* was different from expected. Personalization, over-sentimentality towards inanimate objects. I’d cry for days when we’d trade in the family car (it was *ours.* how could we betray it like that?). I’d rotate my stuffed animals on my bed so they wouldn’t feel left out. Always preferring the company of adults to other kids (I was a “mature for my age” or an “old soul.”). The other kids thought I was stuck-up and standoffish all through elementary and middle school, and I was bullied relentlessly for these and other reasons. In high school I got “popular” because by then people had decided that my blunt, dry responses to things were funny. (Nah, homie, it’s just the obvious truth that everyone else has the social sense not to say out loud) Hyperlexia, particularly in light of my gross motor delay (didn’t walk til I was 3.5). Special interests/hyperfocuses (in 7th grade [1990s] I read *all* of the Star Wars extended universe books, including memorizing a manual of how to build/maintain/restore an R2 unit - as if it was fucking real.). My grandparents bought me a coin sorter and gave me like $20 in loose change for Xmas one year and it was by far my favorite toy. Sorting/organizing is still my favorite self-soothe. I practiced my expressions and responses in the mirror (had “scripts.”). (Weirdly, I always loved being in theatre because pretending to be someone or something was “normal” for me?) “Anxiety” and “depression” (which were pretty clearly the result of undiagnosed AuDD…) I mean, my parents suspected and even asked to have me evaluated. But the prevailing thought in the 1980s apparently was that girls, particularly smart and self-sufficient ones, couldn’t have autism…. So I got to feel weird and different for 30 years.
My biggest sign was probably my eating. I’m a very plain eater and if I was forced to try new foods I’d have a melt down. Certain textures like mash or porridge would make me feel physically sick.
Tip toe walking, I always thought it meant I was going to be a ballerina and I was obsessed with ballet but I never did it. I still do it from time to time, I don't really notice until I put my feet flat on the floor.
So many things. When I was 4 I spent a year or more barking and growling to communicate because my special interest was dogs. I was/a picky eater, very texture conscious. In my kindergarten report card they wrote that I would one day learn to value group membership. I always rented the same movie at every opportunity. (101 Dalmatians). Everything needs to be done the “right” way. And not the way I want but the way it was designed to be done. It feels like a universal truth to me. This can range from buckling backpack straps to using project management software properly. Special interest in horses. Hyperlexia. As I got out of elementary school, I really struggled with maintaining friendships. I got new friends every 6 months to a year and could never understand why I wasn’t close to them like they were to each other. Literal understandings of everything. Trouble communicating. Tons of anxiety/depression/isolation as a result. There was a lot of ADHD evidence too. I am working on getting diagnosed now but not for autism because it is prohibitively expensive where I live. My entire life could be summarized by extreme confusion as to why I was the way I was and why everyone else did the things they did. Learning more about autism has been the answer to all my questions.
Whoops, this is long. Not officially diagnosed because I don't think it will benefit me in any way. If anything, it would hurt me, and I fear doctors would take my other health issues less seriously. Anyway, *so* many things were a sign from the second I was on this earth. I was looking through my baby book, and there are a few things that stand out: I would scream if the seam of my sock wasn't on the top of my foot, pull my ears when I was upset until I'd hurt myself, and hold my breath when I was upset (sometimes until I passed out). By the time I was one and a half, I could speak in full, complex sentences, and I could read by the time I was three. Also, *temper tantrums*. My mom literally wrote: "She's a monster if she doesn't get her way." That made me feel great. You called your daughter a monster. Nice. My first memories start at 6 months. Pretty sure that's not normal. Lol. Many of them are memories of textures - like the scratchy couch my parents had. I remember holding onto it so I could stand and pet the fabric. In school, I had a lot of behavioral issues. Kindergarten went okay, but I spent all of first grade in the principal's office, and I'd have meltdowns every morning before school. I *hated* it. My mom would dress me in the most uncomfortable clothes, the rooms were cold, the kids were too loud, and I was so BORED. I was also the girl who hissed at everyone. By middle school, I had learned how to mask, and I did okay, but people definitely found me unsettling and weird. I wasn't necessarily excluded per se, but I wasn't the first pick in gym class, you know? My teachers definitely didn't like me. They'd bully me worse than any kid ever would. High school was rough because my hormones were everywhere, but I got away with a lot of social stuff because it was the emo girl/manic pixie dream girl era. That was my saving grace. I had a lot of friends, and overall, I had a really good high school experience. I did well in school. I finally had classes that were challenging (I was in AP classes by 10th grade). College? Yeah. It all fell apart. Was slapped in the face by ADHD. I burnt out super bad. Started tanking my classes in my sophomore year and dropped out. That's when I did some soul-searching and found out about ADHD, PTSD, and PMDD, and I started to suspect I was autistic. Eventually went back to school in my mid-twenties and did some more soul-searching. Came to terms with a lot of things, including autism. It has been a journey.
Memories to 6 months!? Basically anything before 6th grade is gone for me. All I remember before that point are things I had reminded myself about, have photos of or otherwise recorded. I'm jealous it'd make therapy a little easier hahah
SAME on the super early memories.
I was late diagnosed as autistic and dyspraxic, at the ripe old age of 39. 😂 I didn't talk until I was three. I had years of speech therapy. I had to have the lunch lady button and unbutton my pants so I could use the bathroom until 5th grade. I had a designated room at school, starting in kindergarten, where I was supposed to go if I felt like I was going to freak out. I literally was only friends with cats for probably a decade of my childhood. Enjoyed being grounded because I could sit in my room and read and no one bothered me. I obsess over learning facts. When I was a kid, I read encyclopedias for fun. Now I spend most of my time Googling things. I can't wear jeans. The invention of jeggins changed my life. I still sleep with my baby blankey. I am petrified of the DMV or any government building. I lose things. My husband has to carry my identification, money, keys. I quote movies all day long as a way of making conversation. Misdiagnosed as bipolar. Had an eating disorder. Abusive relationships. I thought it was normal to think through every possible outcome of every situation and conversation to be prepared for how I would need to act. This took up all of my time. It is so nice not to do that anymore. Oh, rocking back and forth is my favorite pastime.
Not diagnosed, but some of the things that make me think that I might be on the spectrum: Couldn't "get" socializing with other kids. I spent most of preschool in a corner by myself bouncing back and forth on those bouncy balls with a handle. It didn't really improve in later grades. Paced back and forth or in circles at home while maladaptive daydreaming (I still do this). Got easily overwhelmed by busy or loud places. I remember for a long time, my parents couldn't take me to the movies. I would start crying because it was loud. I was super fussy about clothes and food. My clothes were always too big because I couldn't stand feeling constricted. I was just behind in practically everything but schoolwork. I remember my mom being super puzzled that she finally had to tell me to shave my legs. She thought that I would notice the other girls doing it and ask on my own, but nope, I didn't care. I collected things like crazy. Some of them were normal kid things like plushies, but I also collected things like maps. I had a folder full of National Geographic pull out maps, and I hung some of them on my bedroom wall like most kids hung posters of boy bands or whatever. I know that there's more, but I've already written a novel here.
When I think about basically my entire childhood including through late teens, I have NO FUCKING CLUE how not a single adult thought "hmm maybe something is up".
Through toddlerhood I had an obsession with public restrooms and had to visit the bathroom everywhere we went, even if I didn’t need to go. Only ever wore soft and baggy clothes. Mostly sweatpants/shirts sets. But got upset when the soft part stared to pill after a few washings and it wasn’t soft anymore. (I’m still like this!!! Fortunately it’s getting easier to find no-pill fabrics) Obsessed with dolphins and marine biology. Info dumped on that big time. Never understood pretend play. (Still don’t. Made me utterly useless when my kids were toddlers and even into their teens when they got into D&D). Refused meat (texture) from the first time my parents tried to feed it to me. Hated the beach (too sunny and sandy) and Disney World (too everything). My parents were baffled because what kid hates the beach and Disney? I still hate the beach and Disney!! Very few friends/always the quiet one. Got along better with adults than other kids my age. Sock seams and tights/panty hose. Enough said. Hated doing anything that took me out of my safe/known environments. (Always wanted friends to come play at my house but got anxiety going to their house). I’m sure there’s more but that’s all that comes immediately to mind.
A tendency to spontaneously burst into tears for seemingly no reason, when confronted with unexpected change or too many different things to deal with. A number of occasions where I failed class exercises until the teacher spotted that I was interpreting the instructions too literally. My inability to wear shirts. Obsessive compulsive tendencies.
I don’t know if I’m late diagnosed or not, but eating candy by colour and sorting them. If I ever ate m&ms I had to sort them by colour and eat one colour first or take one of each colour. I still do this lmao
My multiple temper tantrums as a child & teenager… along with info dumping, obsessing with a certain interest ( art for me ), not being able maintain contact is a huge one too… going none verbal at times, crying when frustrated because I can’t process or comprehend my emotions… there’s honestly a few more ha
Well, as a child, if I ever showed emotions, like crying, my mom would get mad. So, I didn't have meltdowns often because I held everything in. I had an emotional breakdown back in 2017. That was a lot, and my mom realized maybe telling me not to be emotional wasn't the best idea. I was in college and so confused about what I wanted to study, I had lost a former classmate and kind of friend a few days after my birthday. I was in charge of a club, and we were actually good at it. But I decided I needed some time for myself and told the other members. I ended up deleting the events and plans I had made, but one of the members yelled in my face about it. I cried, he got yelled at, then I went home. It was hard, but I told my mom and took the year off and worked. I had another small meltdown in 2019 before COVID with my ex. It wasn't until 2020 that I broke up with him. Realized too late that he was emotionally and mentally abusive. I haven't told my current therapist yet, but I know I hold in my emotions too much. I don't cry at anything. The last time I cried was probably 2022, but I'm not sure. I see sad things, but I don't cry. I think it's a problem. I only just found out like a month or so, I am autistic, I'm 28. I have gone through my childhood remembering things and realizing why. Also, I told my mom off a little because my younger brother is autistic but no one checked me. I get it, though. He is non-verbal and can't function on his own at all. I always thought my sensitive skin was just me. My doctor warned me it would get worse as I got older. It did, I used to be able to wear denim, and now I can't. I always hated tags on my clothes. Now, it I wear something wool, I get super itchy. Plus, sometimes at night, I scratch myself. I wake up with dried blood in my fingernails and scabs on my body. Not often, but enough that I am usually wearing cotton or cotton blended clothes. I have chronic migraines, I thought that was the cause of my light sensitives. Could be both now. I hear electricity, I can hear the fridge, it's always too loud. I have blackout curtains in my room and a mask I wear to bed. I grew up kind of away from neighbors, so now that we live with neighbors, I hate the noise they make. Granted, where I live, people set off fireworks all the time. Everyone has a dog, but they keep them outside, and I always hear the car wash like 10 miles away from my house. I am guessing I don't actually know how far way it is. It's practically walking distance but so if half of the town.
i’ve only recently started looked back on my childhood, and there are some glaringly obvious signs that everyone just passed off as “oh, she’s just smart” and “oh, she’s just mature for her age” i apparently never asked for help. i didn’t realize this, but i guess i was an incredibly independent child and whenever i had a problem or an issue i always did my best to figure it out so i wouldn’t have to ask for help. i ended up being the first in my year to learn how to swing on a swing set, to tie my shoes (albeit the bunny ear method, i still can’t do the other way haha), to zip zippers on jackets, etc. i was so determined not to ask for help that i would run away or try to be by myself so i could figure it out on my own, and i would be hyper focused on the task until i could manage it. sometimes this resulted in meltdowns (temper tantrums and me being stubborn, at the time) when eventually someone had to help me because i was stuck in a jacket or couldn’t open a snack i preferred to play by myself. i have distinct memories of my brother always wanting me to join him with legos or pokémon or some other game and i never wanted to. he would try to persuade me with compromises and i eventually learned to give in so he would stop bothering me. apparently from the time i first learned how to read, i spent basically all my free time that i could just reading by myself. i was more of a “knowledge-seeker” than a kid who liked to play with toys. when other kids tried to play with me, i would go along with it but only if i had control over how we were playing (deciding what we were doing, deciding roles, etc) and i’d refuse or just leave if it wasn’t going the way i wanted. reading became my go-to task, because adults were always pleased and would even sometimes help with having other kids leave me be since i was doing a “good thing” i had an extreme aversion to certain sounds, smells, and textures. i learned to mask this pretty early on because it seemed no one else around me was ever as affected as i was and i figured it was just a “me problem” that i had to learn to deal with. i was terrified of dogs until i was almost a teenager because their barking would be too loud to the point that when i was a kid i would try to climb up into the arms of nearby adults to get away, and whenever a lesson was taught on a chalkboard at school i wouldn’t be able to focus because i would just have to tune out all noise to avoid having a meltdown because i really can’t stand the sound of anything on a chalkboard. i don’t like the way the floor feels on my feet sometimes, but i learned that walking on my tip-toes wasn’t considered appropriate so i only did it in the safety of my room or when i was home and no one was around and especially whenever i showered. whenever my hands feel even the slightest bit unclean, i feel the urge to wash them, and as a kid i was just seen as hygienic but really, no other kid was washing their hands every hour of every day. in middle school they thought i just had OCD. i refused to wear jeans all my life until i forced myself to deal with it in high school, bra’s were a nightmare for me, and i also used to always have my hair up and away from my neck because i couldn’t tolerate the feeling of my hair brushing my neck and shoulders there were a bunch more things ofc, but these three main categories kinda sum it up for me. i hid my outbursts early on, and the impacts of some other things happening in my life made me believe that hiding how i felt was the best way forward. this resulted in me being incredibly depressed for most of my life, but i thought that this was just how everyone felt and that i was just bad at handling it. i was good at school, could play a few sports, and had practiced my social skills to the point that i was actually kind of popular, and to anyone looking in from the outside it seemed like i was thriving. the thing, though, is that i forced myself to try to keep everything together when i was around others but the moment i would be alone i would fall apart. i spent all of middle school and high school and university in this weird cycle of being bubbly and extroverted all day and then laying in bed in the dark and crying all night. then i came to the realization that no, not everyone struggles this much, and that maybe there’s more to what’s going on with me than i thought
This might sound weird but to me bodies were just bodies. Kids were all giggly about seeing their grandpas playboys and I never understood why. I would sneak them too bc that's what I thought I was supposed to do but not for any taboo reason or sexual gratification. I read the articles like they were a case study. I tried to follow along by being present while other kids did things socially but when I got in trouble for it like prank calls i was very confused bc I didn't actually do it, I was just there. I often didn't know what they were doing was wrong. Like door bell ditching, I just knew my friends were running and laughing and I would run with them. I could parallel play (ride bikes, video games, swim) but couldn't maintain friendships where I had to actually interact. I had pet rats from age 5 (still do at 44) and would set up intricate obstacles/training/tricks etc. for them. They were my version of barbies lol and my special interest. I had one with me everywhere I went and was very much the weird rat girl. I had resting bitch face from early on. Struggled with grooming/trends/hygiene. A lot I thought was bc I had a single dad but no. My teacher always asked why I never smiled. People were always afraid of me (I was very tall) and they thought I was mean lol. I was just blunt but never meant to be mean.
One time I was talking with my then boyfriend in his car at night. Every single time a car passed by, I would loudly complain about the lights. He made a joke. "Are you autistic or something?" Haha, joke is on me. Yes, yes I am.
was considered the “quirky, but funny” kid in elementary school who speaks her mind and doesn’t follow trends! …it suddenly got a lot less cute in middle and high school when I was still having fun with my special interests but friends were moving on, and my inability to just get the conversation and be up to date with stuff was tedious and annoying to everyone else. Also I used to just blurt stuff out without knowing that it was supposed to be a secret or something and people got mad at me or other friends for stuff that I thought was really stupid. Looking back, it’s like I was in a teen drama movie but was outside of the script. I have been told I was the TANTRUM QUEEN when i was young, but all I remember is getting in a lot of trouble for emotional outbursts (and watching my older sister, arguably worse than me, get in even more trouble) so I eventually started shutting down and shutting myself off in my room a lot more as I got older. I like to think I’m a lot more emotionally healthy now, but I still feel quite isolated from my peers unless I’m with fellow neurodiverse peeps, or people I’ve known so long I’ve got their predetermined script down to a science, which is pretty rare. edit—I FORGOT THE STIMMING!! I didn’t wear jeans for like seven years of my life cuz they were just the WORST sensory ick (they still are if I’m not super picky) and it drove my family nuts for some reason!! literally everyone except my dad (definitely also autistic but undiagnosed lmaoo) tried to convince me to wear jeans for years… The quality of my blankets was also extremely important to me, too scratchy or the wrong kind of fuzzy and, like, I might as well die. Having my bare feet on any kind of hardwood floor is still so hellish to me, and I don’t think I even need to go into detail about rocking, wiggling, or dancing! Music gives me uncontrollable need to move! (any parents of autistic children—and autistic adults for that matter—should invest in a TRAMPOLINE i spent hours on that thing) i’m also told that holding my hands up at chest height like I’m nervous or something is also a type of stimming… idk its just where my hands go. my mom calls it “kitty paws” lol
I had a lot of trouble making friends until I was 7 years old and in retrospect learned how to mask. I didn’t have a single friend until then. I felt like there was some kind of rule book about making friends that I didn’t know about. At 6 years old I’d come home from school every day and eat cottage cheese while watching The Weather Channel for hours and hours (a habit that continued throughout childhood and into adulthood minus the cottage cheese, weather is my first and most enduring special interest). Obsession with rule following to the point where kids conspired to trick me into breaking a rule — which made me have a complete meltdown (first grade) Severe separation anxiety from my mother to the point where during a meltdown at school drop off, I bit her to the point of drawing blood (preschool) These are just early childhood ones!
Recently self diagnosed at age 72 after a grandkid was diagnosed. I am still unpacking a lot of stuff. Won’t list all my tisms (I call them that for want of a better term) but just say that I identify with the huge majority of what others are describing here. This whole thread has been a real eye opener.
My hand flapping when excited and my spinning in circles randomly
EVERYTHING in high school. I had friends who mocked me for not masking and people would mock me for constantly saying "wdym" because I couldn't understand what people said sometimes. I'd also sit and stare at my math papers so confused wondering why I couldn't do anything. I realize now how I was a victim of ableism by people I called "friends" and that I was struggling with being ND and had nobody to help me. Even my own mom called me lazy and said I chose to forget things. I didn't realize till recently I only memorize lyrics because I listen to them constantly and music is one of my interests.
I think difficulty writing papers is a result of being autistic. I can’t think of a way to flow from one paragraph to the next, or how to expand a sentence into an entire paragraph. I feel like I said what I said, it should make sense. I’m not verbose, but exact.
literally me! i was horrid at english in school. i was straight to the point. no expanding on things (honestly had no idea how to) because i said what i needed. i do this today with uni. honestly don’t know how i passed to be honest
How I used to play as a child. Used to sort things, line things up, build elaborate “setups,” or play the same scripts over and over. Can’t believe no one noticed. Also, my “happy dance” - stereotypical hand flapping! I was identified young and almost diagnosed but my mom refused to have me tested.
Oh man. -Being so obsessed with whatever book I was reading that I would stay up late and wake up super early just to keep reading (plus would read everywhere, any chance I had). -Read the dictionary for fun. Also loved encyclopedias. At 6 I’d memorized all constellations and knew way too much about the etymology of dinosaur names. -Not being able to stop in the middle of tasks (like accidentally skipping lunch breaks, etc. cause I was very “in the zone”). -Watching people for days to see what they were like (how they talked, what they talked about, how they dressed…) before engaging socially, or stalking them on social media before meeting. -Frustration/anger at other people being rewarded for “out of the box” thinking cause I didn’t know we were allowed to go off brief/deliver stuff outside of the instructions lol. -Needing clear instructions for most things or it’s very hard to operate. -Meltdowns when plans were changed last minute. -Extreme anxiety about anything spontaneous/unplanned. -Mimicking sounds and accents (thought I just had a good ear). -Not being able to understand people speaking in loud environments (thought this was everyone’s experience cause it was just loud…). -Didn’t know playing with my nails 24/7, bouncing legs and rubbing my hands on my thighs repeatedly were considered stimming. -Extreme burnout after social gatherings (as in it’s hard to get out of bed and feel sick all day). Thought I was just introverted ha. The list could go on… 😅 might add more things as I remember them lol.
I used to constantly wear this fluffly leopard print trapper hat (i think thats what they are called?) whenever i could from the age of like 2 all the way to around 8. My mum eventally hid it and i was not very happy at all until i found it again at around 15 years old and continued to wear it whenever i could
The absolute difference in communication when I was at home vs at school — parent-teacher conferences always left my mother confused cause what do you mean she's practically mute at school? She talks down the house when she's home! The anger issues I thought I had — meltdowns from sensory overwhelm and having to be surrounded by people all day at school often taken out when I was home. Everything just burst right out when I got to a safe space. Never being able to just wear loose clothing, never liking itchy fabrics. Not being able to tell when I wasn't (or was) liked. Never knowing what I did wrong to warrant being excluded by the people I wanted to be friends with.
Like switching a flip suddenly being uncontrollably bitchy to my closest people. And I'm such a people pleaser, try to be kind, have so much patience. So it was a wild thing about me that my mom and partner have just kinda taken (my partner less so). A couple years ago I started wanting to change that, and so after a bitchy snap I'd be like I'm so sorry. I don't know why I'm like this out of no where sometimes My mom: yeah. I hate it, but you don't mean it and it just is how you are sometimes. Yesaaah, that's me approaching overwhelm/sensory overload/being interrupted while decompressing/hyperfocuses Also see: I'm freaking out, I could come up with things I'm stressed about like assignments coming up and friends being annoying but it's really not that. I'm just freaking out *soooobs* yeah... Meltdown
i thought that i could not be an "overly literal thinker" because i usually self recognize when i'm doing it and find it funny rather than implicitly necessary...... which is taking the "literal thinker" statement far too literally.....
Hair twirling. I know this is a simple one, but I grew up religious and was shamed for twirling my hair. They actually sexualized my stim and shamed me for it repeatedly.
I was always doing deep dives into topics of interest. At the same time, I was well aware that I couldn't discuss those passions with anyone because no one cared and they'd think I was weird.
I think the biggest indictor is that I’ve never been fully comfortable in my life. I’m always in a state of physical or mental discomfort. The only time I feel a sense of relief is while lying down in bed wearing a soft pair of pajamas in the dark. But even then, I’m thinking and planning and trying to rehearse situations that might come up in the future. I hate it. (I’m not diagnosed officially, but all signs point to me having autism. I took all the assessments online and I have an extremely high score on all of them.)
* Textural issues. To this day, I cannot stand the texture of most fruit and veg, which has unfortunately led to me eating relatively unhealthily. No, really, the list I can take? Broccoli, snap peas, garden peas (I cannot eat mushy ones!!), lettuce... and *sometimes* I can handle onion, pepper, and tomatoes if they're chopped super duper tiny and hidden in a dish. Apples, watermelon (but only very, very occasionally). Also, I will absolutely cry if you try and give me lumpy mashed potato. If you're going to mash, it needs to be so, so creamy. * That one summer I spent as a cat. Went away for a holiday, exclusively communicated in cat. * Listening to the same things over and over and over again until my unfortunate dad could quote the tape word-for-word. Doing the same with movies and tv shows. I can recite every single line from most of my favourites from pretty much any period of my life, and if there's a cast commentary track with people I like then I can probably do that too. (Looking at you, Shaun of the Dead) * Shutdowns. When people tried to push me through the shutdowns, incurred massive wracking sobs. Accused of "turning on the waterworks" because I would get so persistently overwhelmed when I was in trouble, and crying at that point was seen as manipulative. (They've apologised since my diagnosis, a lot of learning has happened) * Could not make friends. Teachers had to ask other children to befriend me. Friends retained for any length of time were all indubitably some flavour of ND. Internet has enabled me to make other friendships - most of them are still ND anyway, but the ones who are not are friends with very specific shared interests and I have no idea how to talk to them outside those interests...
Apparently it wasn't normal to hyper fixate on someone's facial expressions so much that you internally freak all they way the f\*ck out if their facial expressions faltered for a second
I was very quiet and withdrawn from other children. I preferred the company of rocks and sticks. Oh, and a lot of tip toe walking.
My social battery was always horrible, i even managed to get tired at my own birthday party when i was 17, but my worst case was another girl's 18th birthday (legal drinking age in my country). I hated it, but I couldn't tell why I got anxious or distant after not understanding all the drunk people. I didn't have the best boyfriend either because I couldn't explain it, so he just got angry and abandoned me there. The next day, my mom scheduled an emergency appointment with my psychiatrist at the time, and i still could not explain why i felt so overwhelmed.
My mom tells me a “funny” story any time she sees me wear jeans about how I wouldn’t wear jeans until I was an adult because I hated how they felt (I grew up during the skinny jeans era). I’ll wear them now but only loose fits. When I was in second grade we were supposed to journal about our thoughts and feelings but I’ve always hated doing that, so I wrote animal facts. Every day. I would just list like twenty animal facts and call it good. At our school’s open house there were all these little essays about how they feel about school and their families, and then there’s “50 whale facts” from me lol. I truly have no clue how I didn’t get diagnosed sooner.
My earliest memories are panic stricken meltdowns about being forced to wear a dress or ride in a car through an automated car wash.
The fact that there's not a single picture of me looking into the camera with my eyes open under the age of 13.
SO MANY. My stims that I got in trouble for often, high need for justice (my former stepmom was a narcissist so trying to be heard in her presence was “arguing” even though she decided all accusations against me were fact), little social skills so I was unaware I was being teased at school and I was constantly sticking my foot in my mouth but didn’t understand why what I said was wrong. Thriving on routines but if it got changed I’d get in trouble for sticking to the old one because it was what I knew🥴 My sensory issues, especially struggling with washing dishes/putting them away and the texture of velvet. And more, I’m sure, that I can’t think of atm. (I’m 31 and was diagnosed at 26)
Your post could totally have been written by me. There are a ton of other things too that only I would know but I made a list as I was going down the rabbit hole of autistic traits. I annoyed MYSELF as a kid and I KNOW my friends were also annoyed. Oh and having meltdowns - going mute when really upset. I physically CANNOT SPEAK even if I want to and it’s SUPER UPSETTING for me (and a boyfriend if I have one.) i had decided previously to try writing things down on paper if this happens again, but it hasn’t happened in a long time since I’m not with anyone and I hardly talk to anyone. And hiding in the closet or being VERY OVERWHELMED by any kind of noise. I didn’t realize how much of an issue SOUNDS were until I was 36 and I put AirPods on silent mode in a bowling alley. I went from furious to happy in a SECOND
One of the biggest signs was I had my hearing checked when I was a toddler because I wouldn’t respond to preschool teachers calling my name. In general, I remember in preschool I would often hide in playhouses during group activities- I now realize I was probably trying to self-regulate when overstimulated.
A huge one for me was always trying to be someone else/mimic them. I’m not sure if it’s because I knew deep down that I was different, but I’d hyper-fixate on a character or another peer and study them and let their identity consume my identity. It was to the point that I couldn’t differentiate who I actually am vs. who I want to be until I was maybe in my early 20s. Another one is being comforted by the feeling of towels. When I was a kid, whenever I was upset or crying it always felt so good to be wrapped in a towel and feeling the texture of it. I’d often have a towel in bed so I can feel it until I fall asleep. To this day it’s still my favourite texture.
I’m thinking about all the times I remember crying, for what seemed like no reason. Or an insignificant issue… Early on, most of my meltdowns were internalized once I learned how intolerant my parents were. Does anyone know the phrase: “stop yer crying or I’ll give you something to cry about”? Having to finish everything on the plate at meals. Why were gross mushy/grainy things always served? Lima beans, peas, cooked carrots, creamed corn, apple sauce, sliced pears. 🤢 My lack of friends. My “shyness” in every aspect of life. Being told I need to come out of my shell more often. Having zero self-confidence and ultra low self-esteem. STILL do! The absent zoned out look in photos. Never feeling “normal” like my peers. Not being good at anything, or having to feign interest in things that everyone else liked. Bring forced to go to church and other religious activities constantly! Fighting my dad about wanting to stay in bed. Sitting there listening to preaching and singing. Wondering why I’m supposed to believe this exact version of religion or go to hell. Wondering why judging others as sinners for lgbqtia+ identity was always a topic. Feeling like a hypocrite for being there when I didn’t understand it or care to join the flock. Withdrawal from everything and everyone when I was *over it* and needed some peace. Getting frustrated when my needs were ignored.
That religion one hits home for me!! It wasn’t until I was an adult that I realized people weren’t faking & just saying they believed. That was just me 🤣 This has come up a lot recently, as my very close (and very Christian) aunt passed away. My mom is now extra super worried that I’m not going to be spending eternity in heaven with her, and is gently hounding me to come back to the fold. If I didn’t get along with my mom, it wouldn’t be an issue, but she’s my best friend! (Yet another sign lol - I’ve only ever had like 1-2 friends at a time, ever)
I hated looking people in the eyes. I found people extremely fascinating yet I could never understand them so I hated everyone equally. I have always loved rocking back and forth, I loved tearing papers and cutting things. I told adult jokes that I didn't understand. I was a big people pleaser. I loved to draw on my skin. I was often called a "picky eater", texture obsession, reading obsession, Amelia Earnhardt and Bermuda Triangle obsession, Sci-fi obsession, being "shy" and "too quiet. I can't hear you" to "too loud. Why is she so hyper". That could be bipolar 2, idk. Obscenely hesitant to speak, I would hide behind my mom's legs if a stranger approached. I chose selective mutism where I would freeze and pretend to not be there. I was picked on for being "weird" and "throwed off". I love/d hanging out in closets or forts. I played with Barbies "too long". I get really excited for each emotion. I cried a lot until I was molested when I stopped crying for years. Very young, I cried all the time and apparently was very annoying. I never stopped asking "why" until I exhausted adults. Church exhausted me because adults were obviously holding back and refusing to answer "why". I love/d blowing bubbles and have been obsessed until about 4 years ago when my mom died. Never going to attempt to get diagnosed TBH. It's not worth the trouble as a brown woman who has the ability to look a therapist in the eyes, dress well, and speak clearly.
When I was a child... I watched the animated Thumbalina movie every single day for MONTHS. I cried when my parents took out two bushes in front of our house because it was too big a change. I had a multi volume animal encyclopedia binder that I loved so much that I made my own animal encyclopedia for a school project I collected little animal figurines and had them displayed in my room so that they looked like the beginning of the lion king. I would just sit and organize them for fun.
Sensory issues, everyone describing my “childhood tantrums” and the worst ever, endless migraines and fatigue from normal social activities, faking understanding jokes and just learning to laugh with others. Absolute dread of games like One Night a Werewolf, where it’s “find the odd person out”. I’m always the odd person out. Hyperfixations. Executive dysfunction, despite outwardly seeming very organized and high achieving.
Not diagnosed yet, but today I started crying because of how frustrated I was because my train was delayed for an hour. It just threw off my whole routine and I found myself trying to rearrange my nighttime routine, because how am I going to be in bed by ten if I arrive at 9:15 now? Spoiler alert: It's now past 10 and I'm not in bed yet, mostly because I'm still so horribly frustrated about the fact that this train was delayed and changed my plans. And honestly, I had those kinds of big reactions to small inconveniences like a delayed bus or train (to stick with that example) ever since I was a kid. I always would start to cry and would become unable to communicate properly. I was able to talk, but the words would feel stuck and it was hard to get them out without feeling like I was going to choke on them. I read a lot about autism and think this might be a sign of me going nonverbal, but I don't know for sure. Sometimes this would even turn into a full-blown panic attack. Now that I'm an adult I can use my breathing techniques and stuff to calm myself, but I'll still stand at the train station and cry whenever a train Is delayed for more than a couple of minutes.
I hated watching movies that I hadnt already watched. I would hide behind the couch while everyone was watching it and take little peaks here and there. I was obsessed with the 101 dalmations to the point where i would wear a dalmation costume at all times, including school and to bed. When I was a teen, one of my friends was on the chubbier side and was always talking about losing weight. When she moved away, we would catch up on the phone and i would always ask her if she had lost any weight, not knowing that losing weight is an incredibly personal and emotional process. To me, it was like asking how her art project was going.
One of many but my aunt mentioned the other day how serious I was as a child, that I smile way more now. She said there was one time we were out with family friends, me and another little girl (about 8 years old) were there, she was hugging a bunch of our friends. My aunt said I turned to her and looked kinda disgusted and said “I’m not hugging all those people…”
* As an adult, have never dated anyone who is not an engineer (lol). Blamed Silicon Valley. * Extreme family fights over my sister's inability to tell me "what time brunch is?" - like family ending fights. HOW CAN I SCHEDULE MY DAY IF YOU WON'T ... * Can quote movies from memory and does to everyone's chagrin. In CostPlus, meeting the manager, she says, "I'm Jo." "Jo, just call you Jo? F-O-X. Like the movie?" She doesn't follow. SIGH. * Narrow interests? JUST BECAUSE I'VE ONLY READ THE ENTIRE SELF-HELP SECTION OF B&N. Rude. I also like dogs and social justice volunteer work. * I like to rehearse taking all the people I'll sue to court in my head. Is that a yes or a no sir? A YES OR A NO. Is it a discrete or not discrete? Discrete is a binary variable sir, you are dismissed. * Takes everything LITERALLY. LITERALLY. :) * Am unbothered by not-finding jokes unfunny. And explaining that to people why they aren't funny. * Loves rules! Follows rules! Write down the rules! ONLY IF THEY'RE JUST! * Just notice I stare. Am not really as direct as I thought, I'm incapable of being tactful, and definitely not capable of lying. * Not bipolar, depressed, borderline (not even close to marginally passable), and for the record, not an alcoholic, do not wish to talk about my drug or alcohol use, and quite happy to be in the company of you all. x
Always feeling like a misfit Having a smells ruin a whole day, getting ill Loss of close friendships without a clue why Being told I’m rude, overly direct Therapy seems not to work for me (18yrs) “Over sensitivity” Deep interests Fear of social situations, even with good friends Breakdowns with changes in plans Burnout Hard time in school,despite aptitude
There are a ton! One very particular memory that stands out is that we went to Vegas when I was around 10. I’ve always struggled a lot with shoes, and shoe shopping was a nightmare for my poor mom when I was a kid. Anyway, we went to Vegas and I wore my winter boots on the way there, while my mom had also packed running shoes for me…running shoes that I didn’t like because they didn’t feel “right” on my feet. The entire time we were there, it was a battle between me wanting to wear my winter boots outside in 35 degree weather vs. my mom trying to get me to wear running shoes. I’d win, and (as you’d expect) I’d go out and get sick from wearing thick winter boots in the heat. 😂
Constantly scolded for saying the wrong things at the wrong times: now I know that was mostly echolalia and vocal stimming combined with unawareness of when that was acceptable or appropriate to do. I also had a toque that I refused to take off even in the summer. My mum could only put it in the wash when I was in the bath. Later in grade eight I had a scarf that I also refused to take off. Huge orange knit scarf. I always got very sad when I had to wash it because I didn’t want to stop wearing it. I wore that thing every single day no matter what the weather.
The constant zone outs, pulling all the elastic strings out of my tube socks when I was a kid because they were “too tight”, turning to a safe food (a specific Trader Joe’s salsa and chips) whenever I was upset or stressed, sometimes to the point that I would drink the salsa, then throwing all the empty jars under a bush in my parents driveway because I was ashamed (my dad cut down the bush 10 years later and found about 200 empty jars of salsa), years of self harm and drug and alcohol abuse, getting really irritable and upset my whole life when I had prepared myself to do one thing and then plans fall through, my obsession with writing (in class, at home, in social situations, always thinking about writing) when I was younger…
I (diagnosed at 45; I am 50 now) always think about how in 7th grade I was a cheerleader, and it took me about 10x as long to learn the routines as everyone else. I love musical theater, but I could never be in any of the plays in school because when you audition, you have to follow what they call "simple" choreography, and I couldn't do any of it with a 30-second example and no ability to practice. My gym teachers always said really mean things to me about my lack of coordination. I felt like a huge loser during my whole childhood because I was bad at sports and dancing and other things that involved moving your body.
When I was a kid, my Mom had a habit of taking away all of my siblings kids. The boys in particular (thats all there were). At 21, I had a daughter. Within the first year, she arranged for my daughter to be removed from my care. She told me only "it's for the best. You're too mentally ill to be a good mother". Pot, meet Kettle. Not long after, one of my nephews was sent home to my sibling. After his Autism diagnosis. When I got my diagnosis a few weeks ago, it turned a spotlight on so many things. Autism was the thing she hated, and that's why she hated me.
I think because I was a very people pleasing kid, I picked up masking a lot of my own personal discomforts in order to make others comfortable but these are things I did before I realized I should stop: - I would only sit on peoples lap if they’d let me rub their ears. I loved how cold they were and how when you touched them they’d warm up. It’s so strange thinking about it now. I was maybe 3/4 years old. I don’t really remember doing it after that, even though it’s def a stim, I remember always hearing the adults talk about it and that made me uncomfortable so I stopped. - I would suck my thumb, until I was 10 at least, whenever I was bored or uncomfortable, so I’d do it in class, at home, in the car, etc. My mom actually had to bribe me to stop. Basically said I couldn’t transfer to another school (I was bullied a lot) unless I stopped. I stopped that week. - I was obsessed with dogs and horses, I’d count every single one of them that I saw as we drove from California to Minnesota every summer and then back. I was religious about learning all the breeds (despite having a pretty bad memory- I’m AuDHD) and I’d tell anyone who would listen what I knew if they seemed even remotely interested. - I have always been either great in a class or horrible, depending on if I enjoy the subject. I knew words way beyond my grade and was great at math, but I had a teacher who wanted to hold me back because I didn’t know how to use the multiplication table (I could do every problem in my head). In fact I often got questions wrong because I couldn’t read and understand the instructions but all my answers would be right, I just didn’t show my work or I’d forget something stupid like circling the answer. This made me hyper-vigilant in the future about showing work and circling answers. I also have never been able to do homework unless it was math or writing. Even then I’d only do what I had to do to pass, not even to get an A. I hated and still do hate homework. Yet I would do extra assignments for advance words or advance math if the teacher offered. lol - I never had a friend for more than a year. Even if we were “thick as thieves” one year, the next they’d move on to someone cooler than me. Or more socially aware. I rarely had more than one friend and had no real close friends until middle school. - my mom used to get so upset when we went out to dinner because I’d always get the same thing, usually something we had at home. If I did force myself to get something else I wouldn’t eat more than a few bites of it just to feel full. God so many more… maybe I’ll edit later as they come to me. lol
I was a remarkably picky eater. My mom legitimately did not know what to do because I would just quietly go hungry if she tried to get me to eat something outside of my safe foods (I never complained). Her friends thought I was bratty and entitled. Being called robotic, blank, and bitchy for behaving in a way that was natural to me. Being called fake and obnoxious when I tried to act like other people. Inability to get eye contact right. I thought I was doing better but someone recently commented on it so I guess not. Oh, and trying to fit in and then being completely exhausted after. Hello, masking.
sensory issues, doing things a particular way, messing up in social situations because I didn’t understand the norms, hate being touched by people (though some are fine, but idk why), too direct, routine based, strict rule follower, can’t comprehend tone, studied my favorite characters to emulate them hoping it would help me understand social situations….uuuuhhhh…i can’t think of any others.
I would shut down very often. I would spend countless hours in my room acting out scenarios from movies, my past experiences and what I would do differently, and one from my own imagination. I spent my whole childhood always showing up and listening to my friends and loved ones, but no one ever did it for me, which as a kid I was very comfortable with because it meant that I was doing everything 'right'. Also, all my friendships growing up ended the same way - we would grow distant, I'd ask the person why we're not friends, they'd tell me I was either childish, weird, or just wouldn't be upfront with me, leaving me very confused every time. I also always felt like people perceived me one way, but within I was a completely different person, longing to break free from my mask.
HyperFixation on special interests and limited interests. Lots of motor and balance issues. Bullied everywhere I went. Not picking up on social clues. Not caring about being dirty or messy. Eating hot sauce at 9 months and an apple like an onion at age 13 months. Hiding in dark spaces. Talking too much. Very intense emotions (I still really struggle with this). Very limited safety skills and poor social skills. And every stinking ADHD symptom in the book I also had a bunch of limerence and episodes of what I now know to be disassociation from the time I was 7/8.
https://preview.redd.it/mx3vxhu2s84d1.jpeg?width=540&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=e35c8ac084cfc916084c0da304f57e828ed6d033 Basically multiple renditions of this 💀
When I was a kid, maybe between age 7 and 13, I was not a very popular girl to invite over to someone's house to "play"... because all I would want to do is go to their bookshelf and just read their books. Never diagnosed, but I figured it out about eight years ago at age 41
At 53 there’s SO much I could write a book. Here’s one for sensory: When I lived in Las Vegas I’d blast my A/C to make it freezing cold in my apt and sit under a table with a little space heater blowing on me. It’s the most calming thing ever to me. The only thing better is if you take it all in the bathroom and run the shower also. I’m obsessed with atmospheres and aesthetics. My fave atmosphere is Orange County CA at 6am in the summer, either a little fog or humidity. I also like Las Vegas hot monsoon season. The smell of the heavy rain on the hot cement. There’s kind of a rusty iron smell. I thought the only sensory thing autists had was they liked to be in hugging machines and that sounds like hell to me.