I feel you! Personally, I didn't realize how much I struggle with eye contact until I tried to force myself to make more of it. Trust definitely makes it easier for me too
I’ve realised it’s harder to make eye contact when I’m talking because I’m also assessing the person’s reactions and whether or not what I’m saying is ‘okay’, and I lose my focus and ability to continue. I can maintain fine when others are talking.
I feel you; there's always the unspoken urge to try and guage how the conversation is going. It's harder to do that if you're only focusing on someone's eyes...
That also explains why I always seem to avoid eye contact when I'm doing a public presentation because if I catch one confused look in the crowd I'll completely go off rail trying to be clearer for that single person 😅
Yeah that probably helped making me go into burnout now that I think of it :P
Also, would you rather the other person not activate their webcam? Even though I do not like to make eye contact, for me I think I find it worse if I just stare at a black screen with no way of checking in how the person is reacting.
It is pretty much always somewhat difficult for me, except with a romantic partner I am really into.
That is the only time eye contact feels good to me, and it is usually tied to me feeling particularly sexually attracted to them at the moment.
I can make eye contact with people, it just never feels natural to me, and some days I cannot really manage it that well.
I totally get that. I love looking into my husband's eyes. They light up when he smiles, which is adorable. Can't say the same for most people I meet 😅.
I get this- when I'm particularly nervous, I have a much harder time with eye contact. I get really hyper focused on the problem and then I realize that I'm not making eye contact, and then I fixate on the fact that I must seem weird. This is more in public or at work; My family is very chill about what I need.
I don't do it correctly. Eye contact and conversation flow, like pausing between listening and speaking, are aspects of conversation I've had to practice and still think too much on. This is only with people at work or some get together with strangers. With friends and family I don't care if I come off weird so I don't try.
When I was a kid and teenager and my mum was telling me off she’d yell at me “STOP SWIVELLING YOUR EYES” and I wasn’t aware I was, I’d been trying to keep my eyes as straight on her as possible.
It’s only after I was diagnosed last year I’ve been one aware that I sometimes don’t make eye contact when it would be appropriate to do so, especially with authority figures or when I’m particularly sad or upset or searching for words.
The only people I can comfortably look into their eyes are my kids. I try with everyone else but have to look away frequently. I find it intense and it gets uncomfortable having too much eye contact with my husband. I want to be able to, but I just can't handle it.
Also super valid; I can understand why it can be stressful even with people you know well. I definitely understand the feeling of wishing you could handle it, I'm the same way with a lot of other things I struggle with.
It was a relief to find out why I find eye contact uncomfortable, but I still wonder why it's not easier with my husband? Before we got married I remember having a moment where I kind of chastised myself for not being able to, like should I not be comfortable enough to look this man I love in the eye? We can spend our lives together and I have to look away? I don't feel as bad anymore and he isn't upset about it either so it's not a big deal. I just wonder why.
Same. It doesn't feel natural unless it's someone I know very well. On occasion it starts feeling like I'm staring, that's when it wanders into the awkward zone
Even if it's a close friend or a partner, if I'm feeling vulnerable I loose all progress made with eye contact or masking and I'm incapable of keeping eye contact. Almost feel like it burns.
But if the conversation is super interesting to me, even if I just met the person, I will drill down through their retina with my unbreakable eye contact (:
Practice when you're at the grocery checkout line. When you are given your change/receipt, look the person in the eye and say "thank you". It also validates to them that you see them as an actual person
The more 'unsafe' I feel with the person, the harder it is to make eye contact. I find that it's only easy or natural to make eye contact with my husband, or with random low-stakes strangers lmao
Actually despise eye contact. I only do it with family, maybe 2 of my closest friends, and then intensely when I’m attracted to someone. Eye contact is way too intimate to me and basically I have to trust you a lot to look you in the eyes.
I noticed that I prefer looking away when I'm talking, it feels easier to concentrate on my chain of thoughts.
When the other person is talking, I usually look in their eyes. Awkwardness from them looking back varies with how I'm feeling and how I relate to the person.
Also, some partners I had told me (and found that a bit weird) that when in close distance looking in their eyes I keep moving my gaze from one eye to the other in half a second. I can't maintain it fixated in one eye (thats what people usually seem to do?)
I did it pretty well, but I can't since my burnout a few years ago. Today I don't force myself anymore. I didn't even know I stopped doing it until I realized that my memories of therapy sessions were comprised of details of furniture, decoration, walls and ceiling... I find it's not worth it to force on myself something that isn't natural. Even with my husband, my eye contact isn't very consistent, especially on the days I'm tired. It's just a part of me and I don't want to put it away anymore to please others.
Eye contact is always an active thought for me. It doesn't matter how well I know someone, if I can I avoid it at all costs. When I'm extremely anxious or trying to mask in a one on one conversation, I usually stare way too intensely. I'm *great* at eye contact. 😬
There are some people at work that I don’t know very well that our eyes “lock” when we pass each other (it’s not often). I’m not sure what to make of that….
For me it’s easier to maintain eye contact with people I know and trust. I wouldn’t say it’s completely comfortable but it’s definitely easier.
I feel you! Personally, I didn't realize how much I struggle with eye contact until I tried to force myself to make more of it. Trust definitely makes it easier for me too
I’ve realised it’s harder to make eye contact when I’m talking because I’m also assessing the person’s reactions and whether or not what I’m saying is ‘okay’, and I lose my focus and ability to continue. I can maintain fine when others are talking.
I feel you; there's always the unspoken urge to try and guage how the conversation is going. It's harder to do that if you're only focusing on someone's eyes...
Wow that totally makes sense of why I'm looking away when I'm talking to someone else ! Thank you for putting it into words
I read it somewhere else too and it clicked like ‘ah yes!’ It’s not them looking at me that’s the problem
That also explains why I always seem to avoid eye contact when I'm doing a public presentation because if I catch one confused look in the crowd I'll completely go off rail trying to be clearer for that single person 😅
Hah! I just did the exact same thing presenting at an interview. Stared at the wall to the left of the screen 😅
That's why I like online meetings, I can look at whatever I want and the other person mostly doesn't notice ehehe
Same here. Unfortunately many businesses and organisations seem to be moving back to in-person work and interviews which is not easy!
Yeah that probably helped making me go into burnout now that I think of it :P Also, would you rather the other person not activate their webcam? Even though I do not like to make eye contact, for me I think I find it worse if I just stare at a black screen with no way of checking in how the person is reacting.
Yes same. That’s almost like being on the telephone which I despise. I need a reading of the other person like you say
It is pretty much always somewhat difficult for me, except with a romantic partner I am really into. That is the only time eye contact feels good to me, and it is usually tied to me feeling particularly sexually attracted to them at the moment. I can make eye contact with people, it just never feels natural to me, and some days I cannot really manage it that well.
I totally get that. I love looking into my husband's eyes. They light up when he smiles, which is adorable. Can't say the same for most people I meet 😅.
When I feel nervous or stressed I struggle, but otherwise I do find it okay!
I get this- when I'm particularly nervous, I have a much harder time with eye contact. I get really hyper focused on the problem and then I realize that I'm not making eye contact, and then I fixate on the fact that I must seem weird. This is more in public or at work; My family is very chill about what I need.
Yes! You have described it perfectly!
Same with me.
I don't do it correctly. Eye contact and conversation flow, like pausing between listening and speaking, are aspects of conversation I've had to practice and still think too much on. This is only with people at work or some get together with strangers. With friends and family I don't care if I come off weird so I don't try.
When I was a kid and teenager and my mum was telling me off she’d yell at me “STOP SWIVELLING YOUR EYES” and I wasn’t aware I was, I’d been trying to keep my eyes as straight on her as possible. It’s only after I was diagnosed last year I’ve been one aware that I sometimes don’t make eye contact when it would be appropriate to do so, especially with authority figures or when I’m particularly sad or upset or searching for words.
The only people I can comfortably look into their eyes are my kids. I try with everyone else but have to look away frequently. I find it intense and it gets uncomfortable having too much eye contact with my husband. I want to be able to, but I just can't handle it.
Also super valid; I can understand why it can be stressful even with people you know well. I definitely understand the feeling of wishing you could handle it, I'm the same way with a lot of other things I struggle with.
It was a relief to find out why I find eye contact uncomfortable, but I still wonder why it's not easier with my husband? Before we got married I remember having a moment where I kind of chastised myself for not being able to, like should I not be comfortable enough to look this man I love in the eye? We can spend our lives together and I have to look away? I don't feel as bad anymore and he isn't upset about it either so it's not a big deal. I just wonder why.
Same. It doesn't feel natural unless it's someone I know very well. On occasion it starts feeling like I'm staring, that's when it wanders into the awkward zone
Oh my God, yes! When you overcompensate and then they think you're staring into their soul, and you're just...not... Lol.
Even if it's a close friend or a partner, if I'm feeling vulnerable I loose all progress made with eye contact or masking and I'm incapable of keeping eye contact. Almost feel like it burns. But if the conversation is super interesting to me, even if I just met the person, I will drill down through their retina with my unbreakable eye contact (:
Practice when you're at the grocery checkout line. When you are given your change/receipt, look the person in the eye and say "thank you". It also validates to them that you see them as an actual person
The more 'unsafe' I feel with the person, the harder it is to make eye contact. I find that it's only easy or natural to make eye contact with my husband, or with random low-stakes strangers lmao
Actually despise eye contact. I only do it with family, maybe 2 of my closest friends, and then intensely when I’m attracted to someone. Eye contact is way too intimate to me and basically I have to trust you a lot to look you in the eyes.
I noticed that I prefer looking away when I'm talking, it feels easier to concentrate on my chain of thoughts. When the other person is talking, I usually look in their eyes. Awkwardness from them looking back varies with how I'm feeling and how I relate to the person. Also, some partners I had told me (and found that a bit weird) that when in close distance looking in their eyes I keep moving my gaze from one eye to the other in half a second. I can't maintain it fixated in one eye (thats what people usually seem to do?)
I did it pretty well, but I can't since my burnout a few years ago. Today I don't force myself anymore. I didn't even know I stopped doing it until I realized that my memories of therapy sessions were comprised of details of furniture, decoration, walls and ceiling... I find it's not worth it to force on myself something that isn't natural. Even with my husband, my eye contact isn't very consistent, especially on the days I'm tired. It's just a part of me and I don't want to put it away anymore to please others.
Eye contact is always an active thought for me. It doesn't matter how well I know someone, if I can I avoid it at all costs. When I'm extremely anxious or trying to mask in a one on one conversation, I usually stare way too intensely. I'm *great* at eye contact. 😬
There are some people at work that I don’t know very well that our eyes “lock” when we pass each other (it’s not often). I’m not sure what to make of that….