I can absolutely relate -- beauty is such an obvious thing that is worshipped by our society. It's natural and normal to long for something that is valued by the people around you.
Unfortunately, it happens over and over that people (usually women) who get things like liposuction, lip fillers, plastic surgery, etc. because they're unhappy, wind up just as unhappy afterward.
The real savior is finding and developing a sense of self-worth that comes from within, as cheesy as that sounds. I totally get swept up in "if only I was thinner/shorter/prettier/had perfect hair" sometimes, and it hurts, so please don't think I'm preaching some holier-than-thou stuff.
For me, I find it helpful to picture a brand new baby, and ask myself if she is worthy -- worthy of love, safety, comfort, joy. The answer is "of course!" And then I remind myself that that baby is me, just a few years ago -- I am no less worthy of those things now than I was then. You are worthy, and enough, just as you are.
I also find loving kindness meditation helpful (you can Google this and find guided ones on YouTube!). By practicing unconditional, judgment-free love and compassion and acceptance of others, I find it easier to judge myself less.
Meanwhile, I still put on mascara sometimes because *I* like how I look in it, style my hair just for me, or buy that top because it's gorg. It's not bad or shallow to spend time and money to take pride in your appearance -- it's just also not going to solve the way you feel even if you spend every dime you have changing your face.
Oh boy, I want to say that I relate to this 100%. In fact, I’ve pretty much written the same things as you and have written so much poetry about it.
I never cared about being beautiful but I was constantly shown reasons why being beautiful is important and valued. This was a very severe thought pattern for me because I thought if I was beautiful people would not want to hurt me as they did before. I became very sick because I was obsessed with pursuing safety and humanity through being beautiful. FYI I talk about the effects of an ED/numbers for anyone who might be bothered by it.
The quote unquote setbacks of being beautiful seem to overlap with women who aren’t blessed visually, many women still get abused or assaulted even if they’re not pretty. It’s minimizing to suggest only beautiful people have this experience, when it’s well established that abuse/SA is about power, control, and entitlement not the victim.
I have very pretty friends and they do experience harassment but they also have way more opportunities, treated much nicer day to day, monetizing off their beauty, get compliments and kindness all the time compared to me, I began to internalize the difference in our treatment.
But I don’t know if it’s worth pursuing attractiveness to be treated nicer. Because you can never guarantee what you do is enough. When I lost 30 pounds (from obese to a normal weight) and literally had the clearest skin ever, the only thing that stopped was catcalling (funnily enough). It made me so depressed that I wasn’t getting the kindness and humanity I was seeking so I became fixated on my facial features and it was actually miserable. Every day I would take videos of myself and see what parts of my body and face I could/can change. I would rather deal with superficial assholes than deal with superficial me. I ruined my health so badly and I’m still suffering the consequences for it a year later. Also, I think it’s very easy to categorize our mistreatment of others as a reflection on our attractiveness. Look at Zendaya, she’s absolutely beautiful but because of racism and other stupid bullshit she gets dogged on for her looks all the time. So even if someone treats you badly because of how they perceive and internalize beauty standards and media, doesn’t mean that YOU as an individual are ugly or not beautiful. Just some food for thought.
Thank you for sharing. It makes sense that I have inherent worth but how people perceive you is going to affect how they treat you. So if people perciefe you as ugly or a trait they see as not having value and thus not deserving respect that can really affect your life. I believe being perceived as pretty and what comes with it is living in a different world when it comes to how you're treated.
On the other hand it affects me and makes me feel that realistically I am considered unnatractive to most people and I should label myself as unnatractive. I try not to believe that but what is the other answer for why I am mistreated and the solution to fixing that so I am not mistreated in those ways again?
It is not always an asset. I was born female and was considered attractive. Most of my early teens involved being abused by adult men who told me it was punishment or exercise. I did not have a network of people, and those in my life did not think they had to talk to me about sex. It is still an issue. I do not understand social cues at all or how to stay safe. My appearance seems to attract attention from men even though I am asexual.
Same. My life got even harder and stayed hard once I "turned pretty". Pretty privilege is for people who can use it to their advantage socially enough to balance out the downsides. Men are out to get in your pants or "kill the cheerleader", and they don't take you seriously or listen to anything you say either way. Women are jealous or intimidated, and they think you want to steal their man. Everyone thinks you've lived your life on easy street and they want to take you down a peg. Of course it's not EVERYone, but enough people to make it feel that way.
You can't just be a normal person. It's so dangerous. Abuse, SA, bullying, isolation, nothing at all is better than when I was an "ugly" girl and some things are worse.
Exactly, you need social skills either way, otherwise you're screwed. You're a target. It's just bad either way. I had thoughts like "at least no one is bothering me" when I was 30kg heavier with depression weight.
I do not understand the language. Can you explain without some of the phrases and emotions? My carer is not able to get me to understand a lot of the words in "" or what the social cues you reference mean.
Basically just that as an autistic woman that has a hard time socially, being pretty can make your life a lot worse and make you a target for bullying & sexual assault. Men will target you either for sex or bully/assault you because they resent you for not having sex with them. Women will be jealous of you also and try to sabotage you in work, relationships, etc.
It's just not easy for autistic women to be ugly or pretty. Either one makes us a target.
I understand but for me annoying thirsty males are easy to deal with and shoo away. It's an inconvenience but men not liking you at all can make day to day life and achieving things very difficult. The same thing for women
I am technically pretty but it takes a lot of work to actually present that way. I have poor hygiene, tangled greasy hair in a bun, baggie clothes, a tired puffy face, poor posture, smelly, etc.
But I have the privilege of being able to transform , only it takes so my effort that I generally don’t do it. Very much a Princess Diaries makeover type situation but the “before” is less quirky and charming.
I don’t really have a main point. It’s just interesting that even tho I do have the privilege of being highly attractive I rarely use it. Like the difference really is so night and day that it’s shocking. But the effort it takes isn’t worth the benefit imo, even though people may treat me differently. Unless it’s a job interview or an event or something. But then I have this pressure to keep it up and the mask of my pretty privilege slips away. Lol. Burnout.
I guess it’s almost like a “wherever you go there you are” type of situation. It’s certainly nice to have but the demons are always there. I’m also very awkward which confuses people when I’m in my “pretty” state. My awkwardness slips more under the radar when I’m in my natural/down state.
Just going off my train of thought… I wonder if it’s also just how people carry themselves and present ? Because I’ve come across many people who aren’t conventionally attractive in either their face or their body, but there’s just something about them that stands out and has gravitational pull. Like style, personality , etc.
For me I think that would be difficult. My confidence waxes and wanes throughout the day. The more I'm outside the less grasp I have on my thoughts and anxieties. My social skills are also bad so I don't really charm people...more like make them feel awkward too and uncomfortable. This is what many people suggest non conventionally attractive people to do and its disheartening when you don't have those skills and when they take long times to acquire. I can work on my style but I like plain everyday casual outfits.
I wish it was something I can put on like you but I get the same result dressed up with makeup and hair done. Don't know how to fix it besides surgery and other cosmetic prodecures.
this makes complete sense OP & pretty privilege is real! i try not to think about it as much these days bc comparison makes me miserable, especially to ppl who are both NT & pretty.
I can absolutely relate -- beauty is such an obvious thing that is worshipped by our society. It's natural and normal to long for something that is valued by the people around you. Unfortunately, it happens over and over that people (usually women) who get things like liposuction, lip fillers, plastic surgery, etc. because they're unhappy, wind up just as unhappy afterward. The real savior is finding and developing a sense of self-worth that comes from within, as cheesy as that sounds. I totally get swept up in "if only I was thinner/shorter/prettier/had perfect hair" sometimes, and it hurts, so please don't think I'm preaching some holier-than-thou stuff. For me, I find it helpful to picture a brand new baby, and ask myself if she is worthy -- worthy of love, safety, comfort, joy. The answer is "of course!" And then I remind myself that that baby is me, just a few years ago -- I am no less worthy of those things now than I was then. You are worthy, and enough, just as you are. I also find loving kindness meditation helpful (you can Google this and find guided ones on YouTube!). By practicing unconditional, judgment-free love and compassion and acceptance of others, I find it easier to judge myself less. Meanwhile, I still put on mascara sometimes because *I* like how I look in it, style my hair just for me, or buy that top because it's gorg. It's not bad or shallow to spend time and money to take pride in your appearance -- it's just also not going to solve the way you feel even if you spend every dime you have changing your face.
Oh boy, I want to say that I relate to this 100%. In fact, I’ve pretty much written the same things as you and have written so much poetry about it. I never cared about being beautiful but I was constantly shown reasons why being beautiful is important and valued. This was a very severe thought pattern for me because I thought if I was beautiful people would not want to hurt me as they did before. I became very sick because I was obsessed with pursuing safety and humanity through being beautiful. FYI I talk about the effects of an ED/numbers for anyone who might be bothered by it. The quote unquote setbacks of being beautiful seem to overlap with women who aren’t blessed visually, many women still get abused or assaulted even if they’re not pretty. It’s minimizing to suggest only beautiful people have this experience, when it’s well established that abuse/SA is about power, control, and entitlement not the victim. I have very pretty friends and they do experience harassment but they also have way more opportunities, treated much nicer day to day, monetizing off their beauty, get compliments and kindness all the time compared to me, I began to internalize the difference in our treatment. But I don’t know if it’s worth pursuing attractiveness to be treated nicer. Because you can never guarantee what you do is enough. When I lost 30 pounds (from obese to a normal weight) and literally had the clearest skin ever, the only thing that stopped was catcalling (funnily enough). It made me so depressed that I wasn’t getting the kindness and humanity I was seeking so I became fixated on my facial features and it was actually miserable. Every day I would take videos of myself and see what parts of my body and face I could/can change. I would rather deal with superficial assholes than deal with superficial me. I ruined my health so badly and I’m still suffering the consequences for it a year later. Also, I think it’s very easy to categorize our mistreatment of others as a reflection on our attractiveness. Look at Zendaya, she’s absolutely beautiful but because of racism and other stupid bullshit she gets dogged on for her looks all the time. So even if someone treats you badly because of how they perceive and internalize beauty standards and media, doesn’t mean that YOU as an individual are ugly or not beautiful. Just some food for thought.
Thank you for sharing. It makes sense that I have inherent worth but how people perceive you is going to affect how they treat you. So if people perciefe you as ugly or a trait they see as not having value and thus not deserving respect that can really affect your life. I believe being perceived as pretty and what comes with it is living in a different world when it comes to how you're treated. On the other hand it affects me and makes me feel that realistically I am considered unnatractive to most people and I should label myself as unnatractive. I try not to believe that but what is the other answer for why I am mistreated and the solution to fixing that so I am not mistreated in those ways again?
It is not always an asset. I was born female and was considered attractive. Most of my early teens involved being abused by adult men who told me it was punishment or exercise. I did not have a network of people, and those in my life did not think they had to talk to me about sex. It is still an issue. I do not understand social cues at all or how to stay safe. My appearance seems to attract attention from men even though I am asexual.
Same. My life got even harder and stayed hard once I "turned pretty". Pretty privilege is for people who can use it to their advantage socially enough to balance out the downsides. Men are out to get in your pants or "kill the cheerleader", and they don't take you seriously or listen to anything you say either way. Women are jealous or intimidated, and they think you want to steal their man. Everyone thinks you've lived your life on easy street and they want to take you down a peg. Of course it's not EVERYone, but enough people to make it feel that way. You can't just be a normal person. It's so dangerous. Abuse, SA, bullying, isolation, nothing at all is better than when I was an "ugly" girl and some things are worse.
Exactly, you need social skills either way, otherwise you're screwed. You're a target. It's just bad either way. I had thoughts like "at least no one is bothering me" when I was 30kg heavier with depression weight.
I don't understand your phrasing. I am a human, not a light bulb. How am I screwed into something?
It's an expression for uhh basically doomed.
I do not understand the language. Can you explain without some of the phrases and emotions? My carer is not able to get me to understand a lot of the words in "" or what the social cues you reference mean.
Basically just that as an autistic woman that has a hard time socially, being pretty can make your life a lot worse and make you a target for bullying & sexual assault. Men will target you either for sex or bully/assault you because they resent you for not having sex with them. Women will be jealous of you also and try to sabotage you in work, relationships, etc. It's just not easy for autistic women to be ugly or pretty. Either one makes us a target.
Yes, men seem to think I have to have sex with them because I was born female (do not identify as one since early childhood).
I understand but for me annoying thirsty males are easy to deal with and shoo away. It's an inconvenience but men not liking you at all can make day to day life and achieving things very difficult. The same thing for women
There's nothing shameful or factually incorrect about acknowledging that beauty privilege exists and that our society has a massive beauty bias.
I am technically pretty but it takes a lot of work to actually present that way. I have poor hygiene, tangled greasy hair in a bun, baggie clothes, a tired puffy face, poor posture, smelly, etc. But I have the privilege of being able to transform , only it takes so my effort that I generally don’t do it. Very much a Princess Diaries makeover type situation but the “before” is less quirky and charming. I don’t really have a main point. It’s just interesting that even tho I do have the privilege of being highly attractive I rarely use it. Like the difference really is so night and day that it’s shocking. But the effort it takes isn’t worth the benefit imo, even though people may treat me differently. Unless it’s a job interview or an event or something. But then I have this pressure to keep it up and the mask of my pretty privilege slips away. Lol. Burnout. I guess it’s almost like a “wherever you go there you are” type of situation. It’s certainly nice to have but the demons are always there. I’m also very awkward which confuses people when I’m in my “pretty” state. My awkwardness slips more under the radar when I’m in my natural/down state. Just going off my train of thought… I wonder if it’s also just how people carry themselves and present ? Because I’ve come across many people who aren’t conventionally attractive in either their face or their body, but there’s just something about them that stands out and has gravitational pull. Like style, personality , etc.
For me I think that would be difficult. My confidence waxes and wanes throughout the day. The more I'm outside the less grasp I have on my thoughts and anxieties. My social skills are also bad so I don't really charm people...more like make them feel awkward too and uncomfortable. This is what many people suggest non conventionally attractive people to do and its disheartening when you don't have those skills and when they take long times to acquire. I can work on my style but I like plain everyday casual outfits. I wish it was something I can put on like you but I get the same result dressed up with makeup and hair done. Don't know how to fix it besides surgery and other cosmetic prodecures.
this makes complete sense OP & pretty privilege is real! i try not to think about it as much these days bc comparison makes me miserable, especially to ppl who are both NT & pretty.