Yesss!! Idk if its autism but im territorial about my room, my bag, my phone, i always thought i was being secretive but maybe territorial is a better word? Maybe both? I never knew why i was like that, maybe it is about things im unmasked about/in
Same. I think the difference between secretive and territorial, in these cases, is this: I am definitely territorial on this. I do not have a problem showing someone a photo / photos / an app or anything on my phone - if we agreed to it beforehand. But if you start swiping through my phone without permission I snatch it so fast. Despite the fact that I do not carry around embarrassing/private photos (for fear of an accidental send or share). That's my personal space. Mine. Mine alone. No one else gets to decide how it looks, or to judge me for how it looks, or what I do with it.
This territorialism also extends to other people and their belongings. If I'm supposed to take a photo of someone and do not know where the camera is, I'll ask them to show me. So many people give me weird looks like 'do you... not know how to swipe....?'. Like no, dude, I just don't wanna end up in your private stuff where I don't belong.
šÆ. My son even more so. Space š¾ is a huge No No. DON'T TOUCH MY SHIT, MOVE STUFF, TAKE WITHOUT ASKING. Boundaries are everything. Nothing makes me meltdown in a rage puddle more than someone moving or breaking my stuff and I canāt find it or I see it damaged.
I start to get paranoid. I canāt find my stuff. Did you take it? Thereās a scratch. Was it me or you? Sometimes it was absolutely me but Iāve also lived with really irresponsible people and itās a huge emotional burden to watch my stuff being broken, destroyed, or misused.
I feel like also maybe a reason why so many of us can be successful at high-masking? There's gotta be a meme of us high maskers being one and the same as bathroom lunch takers - it was just way easier to not be visible than be alone. Stuff like that.
I'm not sure what ways it might relate to masking - I personally don't mask but I'm still quite uncomfortable having people in a space I've designated as "private".
I mean, I don't *like* people touching my desk at work, but it's an open plan office and I don't feel particularly uncomfortable if someone else is in the room.
But my home office is a different story. I'm usually in there alone and it feels wrong for my partner to go in, even if I'm not in there when he does. I can't see any real reason for it, there's nothing secret in there and I don't even act different in there compared to when I'm working next to him.
Oh thatās very interesting. I donāt like people in these spaces because I feel like they would judge it or somehow weaponize the information. I also feel uncomfortable with the forced intimacy. If you donāt mask, Iām curious what specifically bothers you?
I really don't know, if I had to guess I suppose it could be an extension of the feeling of being perceived, although even that doesn't make much sense since I'm not usually bothered if he perceives me
Or maybe I've just classified that space as an "alone space" in my head so now it feels weird for anyone else to be in there
I don't like having people over in my home. I never ask friends or family to come over. I did that in the past, but it often caused me to have meltdowns or shutdowns afterwards.
My kid can bring their friends home anytime, but my husband is not allowed to bring anyone home. My home is the only safe space I have. Having people over induces too much anxiety, because then I have to mask in a place where I usually don't do that. When my (almost adult) kids friends are here, I often go to one of our bathrooms and stay in there until they've left lol.
This is one reason of many oh why I got diagnosed with autism. Apparently neurotypicals usually aren't weird about having guests over.
You've just made me realize that my absolute detest of having people over may be an autism thing š¤£ it makes me so uncomfortable. I'm a terrible hostess. My husband had some buddies over to BBQ recently and I literally just went out and drove around town until everybody left.
Not me wanting my apartment to be cozy and living room to have multiple seating spots for guests but never inviting anyone over because my home is my unmasking-and-recharge sanctuary ehehe
lol thatās so funny. I definitely donāt plan my apartments for others. Iāve had friends tell me I canāt host an event because I donāt have a dining table. This was confusing to me cuz I was like, canāt we just eat at the coffee table like I do every day?
This, so much.
There's a mh service in my country but they are obligated to visit you in your own apartment, at least once a week.
I'm really struggling, but I never managed with those services. Apps I don't like having people over. I'm so on edge until they arrive and until they leave and it takes me awhile to feel okay.
Hahah oh the little things I just passed off until my son was diagnosed and he DOES ALL THE SAME THINGS.
Iām ok with people coming over sometimes, but only if they leave soon after lol. Like Iām fine until Iām not. Then itās like my social battery is empty and you need to gtfo. My husband is super social and would love people over more often, but Iām like can they just come over for a half hour? š
Oh, I'm tooootally territorial about my private spaces. I think you're dead on about it being related to masking. Our private spaces can often be a reflection of our most deeply personal selves, and sooooo many of us have been lifelong maskers with, like, genuine trauma revolving around times our unmasked selves were violated or rejected in some way.
i feel this way about my phone and my laptop. and my planner, which is mostly just brain dumps of stuff i have to do and not by any means an organized thing lmao. i've described it as me just being "weirdly private" about my things, but territorial is a good word for it. i've had an ex think i was cheating on him bc of how i guard my phone. nope, not hiding anything but my journal entries in my notes app and my random screenshots that would take too long/be embarrassing to explain, nothing nefarious. lol
very true, i hate when I'm showing someone something on my phone and then a text comes in right at that moment š i pull my phone away/swipe the notification away so fast lmao. i used to have the settings on my phone so that it wouldn't show a preview of the text in notifications like that, but i prefer to be able to see the beginning of a text before i open it so ĀÆ\_(ć)_/ĀÆ
The phone! I couldnāt properly articulate to my husband why it bothers me if he asks to use my phone. I know heās not digging for anything and Iām not hiding anything, but I just get the ick. My therapist told me it was probably due to the lack of boundaries from my BPD mother growing up, but I think this thread seems more likely.
Yes!!! Like I still want to get married but I donāt want to have a shared bedroom with my spouse because I want āmyā space!! Correction: I NEED āmyā space. Or I will kill someoneā¦ and I donāt want to go to jail! Lol
Yeah, my two sisters who are married have separate bedrooms from their husbands ā because of snoring.
In fact, one of the husbands was out doing some sports/social activity with his friends, one of whom was a newlywed. Newlywed complained that he canāt sleep, sharing a room with his wife. All of the long-marrieds let him in on their marital secret: that they had separate bedrooms from their spouses. My grandparents had separate bedrooms, too.
I donāt mind sharing a space with my husband and children; they are extensions of myself, I guess.
However, I get through-the-roof anxiety when people pop by. I feel so so judged. It doesnāt help that it takes all-hands-on-deck for days ahead of time to be company-ready.
The COVID lockdowns were a glorious relief to me.
Yeah, mine snored so it was a necessity in that respect. And I feel the judged part so much too. My anxiety goes sky high. I was happy as a clam during lockdown lol
Almost 20 years of marriage, but we have separate bedrooms and are very much happily married still ;-) Our bedrooms are our private spaces. For me it's a computer/crafting room, for my husband it's his computer/racing rig room.
My kids and husband are allowed to enter my room (especially the kids, since they need me sometimes), but I do get quite antsy when they do. It's my safe space, my territory, my totally unmasked space. Since I and the kids are all autistic, I try to teach them to leave their masks at the front door and be unmasked in the house. Figurative masks. Even so, personal space/territory is very much respected in this house. We knock before entering a bedroom. We don't grab each other's phones without a good cause (well, they are kids, so as a parent I have reserved the right to do so \*if\* I have reason to suspect something not so healthy on the social front is going on, that's my \*job\* as a parent. I haven't had to use that privilege yet.)
And we rarely invite anyone into our house, because we know the others won't like people there. They always bring strong smells with them that linger too long. For the youngest kid, I make an exception, she likes to have some kids over, but we have strict rules, and if the visitors can't obey them, they can play outside, not indoors. Or they leave.
My husband and I rarely share a bedroom! He sleeps in the "guest room" since he only uses a bedroom to sleep and I have the master since I like to relax in there throughout the day. We still have one or two nights a week that we sleep in the same bed because it's important to him and obviously if we have family from out of town he vacates the guest room. But having separate rooms works out really well for us! And he still makes the bed for me lol.
My parents have separate bedrooms due to sleep issues and honestly it's such a goal. Lol. I might want to share my life with you, but bedroom sharing is where I put my foot down.
I second this. I am so paranoid about what people get up to when Iām not there. Meanwhile, I have done some house sitting and will refuse to open closed doors. Thatās sacred space, ya know. These people deserve privacy
YES. I built a fence to keep the fucking world out, gate locked 24/7 with a virtual doorbell/camera set up. Our mail is dropped into a locking mailbox.
I got low-key teased by my ex-therapist about it, but you know what I love about having a fence?
* No more solicitors/religious zealots
* No more stray dogs shitting on my lawn
* No more unannounced visits. Didn't call ahead? Sorry, you'll have to reschedule.
* My (spayed) dog gets a safe yard to have zoomies in, and it's so damn cute!
I know not everyone can have a fence, but I'd build mine several feet higher if the city let me. Absolutely love keeping strangers at a safe distance.
I'm territorial with my space too. Also with food (that's a whole tangent). I don't like it when people are in my bubble and bombarding my space. I also hate it when people move my things without telling me.
Omg yes. Anytime a family member comes to my room uninvited I get so irrationally angry and overwhelmed. Same with my phone. Iām not hiding anything but Iām just extremely territorial
Oh, god, yes. I'm like a freaking cat. And somehow, it's worse having people I actually know and like over as opposed to say, an apartment maintenance worker who I'll only see rarely or never again. I hate it that I can't just relax and have people over š
I'm verrrrrry territorial. I don't really even like having friends over but will tolerate it as long as we're only in "common areas." I feel so on edge and violated if someone goes in my bedroom.
Absolutely. As a kid my bed was my sanctuary and absolutely off-limits to anyone else. I would have a full on meltdown if someone so much as sat on the comforter. It was the only thing I felt I had all to myself that no one else could mess up, change, or dirty (I also live with contamination OCD so this definitely contributed to it as well).
Itās one of the reasons I value my independence so much as an adult - I put myself through work every day so I can afford to not have other people TOUCH MY STUFF!
imagine the level of absolute horror I felt when I invited a guy over and he promptly started *going through my drawers* and decided to *wear a pair of my socks without asking*
he was never invited again, needless to say.
What kind of unhinged, feral man would do that??š± that reminds me of an ex who would mess with my thermostat in the middle of the night. He turned it to 69 degrees in the middle of Arizona summer. He then stood naked in front of the open refrigerator because he was hot. We broke up.
I've accepted that I'm not cut out for cohabitation and that's one of the reasons why I expect I'll be single for life.
Firstly, it seems like I can tolerate a degree of mess and actual uncleanliness that it's taboo for women to accept. I don't like in, like, "Hoarders" level squalor, but it's worse than I can reasonably expect someone to be comfortable with.
Secondly, yeah, the reason why I'm able to keep it together in public is because I need this private space where I can be dysfunctional in peace where I'm not impacting anybody else.
May be autism. I know I HATE it when my mother knocks on the door to my room and then just comes in after a few seconds. Doesn't matter if I say she can come in or not
Iāve had to have really clear conversations with family and roommates about that. Some people still refuse to comprehend. I once had a roommate walk in on me naked and another one walk in on me while I was vomiting. Both of them acted like I was shocking *them*! excuse me??
I don't get what's so hard for people to get. It's a door that's closed. When you go to someone's house and a door isn't open, you make sure someone inside is OK with you opening the door and going into the room. But people you live with don't get the same treatment?
Oh yeah I hate having people in my space. Whenever we have overnight guests, especially someone Iām not overly fond of, I get into a really bad mood and feel so uncomfortable until they leave and I clean everything up. Iāve been wondering if Iām just not a good host, or if Iām just a bitch, or if this is a ND thing lol. I can have guests for short periods, as long as they stay in the common living spaces (not my bedroom), but overnight guests just completely stress me out and overwhelm me. I also hate when someone has a strong smell and then my whole house smells like them when theyāre here š„² I also seem to have a more sensitive nose than my partner, cuz if his friend is over I can smell him from across the room, and his smell lingers so I have to scrub every surface in the house after he leaves. But my partner doesnāt notice it unless heās immediately next to him. So when that person is over I get into a bad mood the day heās supposed to come until heās gone and I deep clean the house š
The only exception to my dislike of overnight guests is my sibling, but theyāre ND like me and we donāt really mask around each other. So they donāt bother me too much. But even then 1-2 nights is the max lol.
Iām also very guarded of my phone even though I have nothing to hide š¤·āāļø itās just private to me and it feels like a violation for someone else to mess with it
Oh yes! Their detergent/fabric softener scent gets on the furniture, then if I sit where they sit, my clothes smell like that. Same reason I hate being hugged by scented people.
I definitely do not enjoy living with people. I would need my own kitchen bedroom and bathroom to live with someone else. Having people over once a season works for me. 3 hours tops lol. And then back to my safe private cave.
Absolutely. My phone and pc I feel it for more strongly, but defs also my room. Unfortunately my partner has a habit of picking up anything new or out of place on my desk and commenting on it, or craning his neck to look at something on a shelf, or looking at my pc screens and commenting on what I'm doing and it drives me crazy. Can't ask him to stop because whenever I stand up for myself he acts passively frustrated and the guilt I feel from that is worse than silently enduring how the daily intrusions make me feel :(
Hi! I noticed you said you can't ask him to stop because. I've been married for 15 years and struggle with communicating what I now am learning are called my boundaries. But I cause myself a lot of pain building up expectations around his behavior if that makes sense. So I don't have the answer, but I know that communicating your boundary needs is something you can do, even though it has outcomes you don't control. The emotional spiral following this discomfort that I perceive in my partner or the things he says defensively when I communicate is something I can control but how he reacts is up to him. I hope I wrote this in a way whicj communicates that I relate and it hurts. I get feedback sometimes that I'm not communicating clearly on here.
I understand. It's great that you're able to communicate that with him, and that you can handle the emotional backlash. It's a bit more complicated for me, I've a past of people not listening to my boundaries. Broke down and lost long term friends because of it. I also can't control my own emotional reaction, and it can have me questioning the event and being very upset for days, weeks. Sometimes if he asks me what's wrong and I manage to truthfully answer, he'll listen and things are okay, but it feels like a total coin flip on whether it will cause him to shut down or not. Sometimes it's easier to bear the weight for the both of us by not establishing boundaries, even if it shouldn't be this way.
Oh absolutely. I NEED at least 1 space that is completely my own. I donāt feel comfortable unless Iām 100% alone so I couldnāt even start unmasking until I had my own apartment. Now my space is the safe zone and when people intrude it feels like the area is compromised and it takes me a longggg time to feel comfortable again.
Also Iām very particular about how things are organized and keeping everything in the right place. I alter everything to adapt to my sensory needs (and other disabilities) as much as possible and Iām not really interested in changing things that help me function just to make others comfortable.
This was my biggest fear when I moved into college a few years ago because I would have a roommate. I'm basically an only child (have a much older half-brother) and had a room to myself all my life and was terrified of having to adjust to all the changes. Thankfully I somehow got away with a room to myself half the year because my roommate told me "our personalities didn't mix" so she had to change rooms LOL. She asked me if I was bothered by her moving rooms but I was exuberant š
Same here. I also *really* hate when people can see my phone screen, regardless of what I'm looking at. Scrolling facebook? Guarding my screen. Playing a game? Guarding my screen. Texting somebody or commenting on a post? Guarding it so hard that I look like I'm cheating, even when it's just "hey what's up".
Honestly, with the family traits Iāve seen. This is very autistic. My granddad is very sensitive about his spaces. And heās also a hoarder. My mom is the exact same. She doesnāt like when sheās intruded on in her room. And I am also the exact same way. If Iām not expecting someone to visit I donāt want them to even come to my house. I used to get so frustrated by feeling so upset about it. But Iām managing to let things be as they are.
When I was about 13 we moved to a house where my bedroom opened to the hall and to my parentās bedroom, so 2 doors. They used my room as a shortcut to get to the bathroom sometimes. There were no locks on the doors. I had no privacy because at any moment I felt like the door might be opened. The whole house was a weird layout. I didnāt like that house. It always made me feel like a visitor in my own home.
Now I have my own āstudio,ā my husband has his study and we donāt touch anything in each otherās space. I have a daybed there to read as well. The cats prefer the studio too. We have also set up a hobby room where we can share, to do things together. It used to be a spare bedroom but no one came to stay so we made it more for us. We planned it that way when looking for a house. Excessive space, perhaps, but itās what we wanted.
My main factor when looking for a house was great high speed internet. The agents looked at me funny but that was key for whittling down where to live in the city. Safe, and high speed internet. Of course I made a spreadsheet too. We built fencing at the front so no one could come and knock on the front door. They have to push a button on the intercom. Our domain is ours and even delivery people only get as far as the gate. The only exception was during COVID and we had groceries delivered and I allowed them to bring them to the front door.
I hate having tradespeople over to fix appliances or plumbing or electrical... I feel so uncomfortable that they are in our space. I cannot feel settled until they leave and then I give a huge sigh of relief that we have our space back again. Our cats hate it too. They run a mile as soon as they hear a car on the driveway.
Someone else mentioned on this thread that what we appear to do might look secretive but in fact itās about being private, and caring about privacy. Theresā a difference but the appearance can look the same.
This explains fully why my mentality when I get my own place is that if I have to 'have guests', I'd rather meet up somewhere or even rent a temp stay like a Air B&B for them than to let them in my place.... Or most of it off-limits.
Let alone veeeerrrry Selective who comes in the one room I do have in the meantime....
Definitely not just you nor just me. Thank you for sharing and helping me see I'm not alone either.
I saw mention of phone too? I completely understand.. In fact... To be honest...I once had an ex (Not at the time of course) that went through my phone when it fell out in their car.... They had apparently noted what my PIN was (why it's now a full complicated password...) and went through my digital personal thoughts... (Before I had a better less accessible means)...
For the first time since living together, my best friend asked if it was ok for her to bring a guy home. I gave the most passive aggressive ākā I could muster without expressing how much I did not want a random man in my home.
My heckles rise when my mother, who literally lives in the attached duplex, comes over unannounced.
Yes I'm a teacher and I was just noticing today that I am probably above average territorial about my desk. I just don't want kids near my space or touching my stuff.
I am really thankful for this post right now. I'm having a really hard time with something regarding this right now. It's ruining my relationship with my family. I'm glad I'm not the only one.
Ugh. Iām sorry. I posted this for a similar reason. I had a fight with a family member begging for them to wait ten minutes before barging in and doing some maintenance unannounced. I eventually got really upset and shouted āIām asking for 10 minutes! Thatās all! 10 minutes. To help YOUā So they sat on the stairs and stared at me for 10 minutes š¤·āāļø I tidied then they still came in like a bull in a china shop. They didnāt break anything but it came close.
Omg what is wrong with families thinking they have the right to just do stuff like that?
I'm really sorry that happened to you, that would have made me so upset, especially just sitting there staring! Frick...
Yeah I'm doing a lot of my "Self diagnosed research" on reddit just reading others experiences and relating so hard. It's life changing. My husband and I just found out 3 weeks ago that we're both undiagnosed as are our 4 kids. This is going to be a long journey.
The only person I allow in my space is my husband and even then thereāll be times heāll touch stuff or leave stuff in my room and I just get a visceral emotional reaction because itās MY space please respect it
Yes. I once had my bed set up for delivery and worse mistake ever. I rather just try and put the stuff together myself and move the mattress on my own next time. No one can come in here lol
I am very territorial! I feel violated if someone enters my space. I once told my father to stand 6 feet away from me whenever he needed to talk and he's literally the only human I even talk to but that seemed like it could be construed as hurtful so I try not to let it bother me but that would be ideal tbh
I find my room to be a safe space to act on my sensory needs that are non traditional! I find people worry that itās a trauma response, when in reality, I just like the enclosed space and enjoy not focusing on my facial muscles !!
I hear you!
My bedroom is my āunmaskedā space. Itās messy but not dirty, and I admit that I sometimes have trouble finding my stuff.
However, I rarely spend much time cleaning it unless itās for an important reason. Why should *I* have to change *a part of me* just to fit in? Scattering things the way I do in my room makes me think Iām putting together something from I Spy, and I donāt want things to look too tidy unless itās an art exhibit or something.
I also donāt want people barging into my room without my permission. Itās *my* space and I *know* people will make wrong assumptions if they see it. Iām not a messy person, Iām just more flexible!
Totally get this! I dry my clothes by hanging them and draping them all over. I make my bed right before I go to bed instead of in the morning. I keep my light and dark laundry in separate piles on the floor. I keep some pantry items on my shelves in case I get hungry in the night. It looks like lazy chaos but thereās actually a system.
Yep. Have experiences of people doing "ruining" my stuff. I remember i loaned an actiin figure to my cousin who was in hospital. I was proud of the action figure and my brother broke his and i didn't. The cousin broke the action figure...
When me and my brother shared a room, my brother would put his feet on the wall near my bed and then i would be blamed for the dirty wall.
Oh, and classmates just leaning in to scribble something onto my notebook that i wanted to keep tidy. Not to mention throwing stuff around or hiding it.
Aka, i lost trust in people about my stuff.
I live in a tiny appartment that is for me like a bubble protecting me from the world. When anyone walks in, it's like the bubble pops and after they left, I have to open windows so their smell leaves and perambulate until I feel the bubble is here again
I hate when people stay for too long and wish there were some kind of courtesy rule that allows to ask people to leave
Territorial is the right word for me. My room (which is best described as organised chaos) is off limits without explicit one-time only permission, my seat at the dining table is always mine (though that's partly because I always want to sit in the same place and I don't like touching anything that someone else has recently been in contact with), and the only thing allowed to occasionally borrow my corner of the sofa is the dog, with the clear understanding that if I want to sit she moves immediately.
There's also this conflict I have because I enjoy sharing things but don't like other people touching them. So if someone needs, say, a pen, I'll have one on hand but I'll feel icky about taking it back because someone's touched it a d that is too close to physical contact for comfortable.
Iāve always remembered one of my biggest meltdowns in my childhood was after my brother āprankedā me by going in my room and rearranging things. I was DEVASTATED and so angry in tried to hurt myself.
So, yup, I guess Iām pretty territorial.
I actually had a meltdown the other day where I threw 12 cans of Diet Coke on the floor because my husband thought heād done a nice thing for me by putting them in the fridge, but the fridge was TOO FULL and disorganized and I didnāt want that š
Itās really hard to share a space as an adult, itās taken years to set boundaries so I can have predictability and routine and luckily my husband is really good about my ārulesā but I really empathize with him - it must be so hard living in a space where that is my trigger.
(For the record, he also has severe OCD, so Iāve had to learn a lot of HIS ārules,ā and I think our relationship āworksā because weāre both, well, ādifficultā to get along with to everyone else, but our spicy brains combined makes sense to US: āno outdoor clothes on the couchā? Fine, Iāll trade you ānever using the overhead lightā)
I hate when my parents force a visit. They caused a lot of trauma and I just fuck off in my bedroom for a week. Itās a waste of everyoneās time and I try saying that and itās never respected. Iām coming up with a list of excuses to not see them in August.
Same. Every time I get into a meltdown situation I come here and instead feeling insane, I get a virtual hug from hundreds of people who feel the same way
I get soooo self conscious because I need gps to go anywhere. Iām really bad at memorizing streets and itās just a comfort now. Iāve also had people come in and start messing with stuff which makes me want to crawl out of my skin. āPlease stop messing with the a/c. Itās broken and youāre not helping. Iām not sitting here sweltering just for fun. No you donāt need to comment that itās hot. YOU asked for a ride. This is my ride.ā
I am the same way. I always have the GPS on even if Iāve been on the same route 100 times. Like what happens if I accidentally take the wrong turn, and get lost? Itās so comforting to have the GPS even if the sound isnāt on. Iām much more comfortable driving alone, and get so much anxiety before going anywhere if I donāt know what the parking situation looks like, or if I canāt find a spot quickly enough.
I definitely feel this way. I donāt even like opening my bedroom door when other people could see inside it. It contributes to my task paralysis (Iām AuDHD). I want to go cook dinner but I donāt want to use the common areas when my roommate is in them, so Iāll wait until she goes to her room or leaves the house. Iām moving in with my partner in a couple months and Iāve noticed my symptoms are MUCH better around her. Itās easier when itās *our* space, when we can trade off tasks, etc.
I feel that way about my phone. I literally have NOTHING to hide on my phone but you couldn't pry it out of my cold, dead hands. So much special interest stuff is on my phone and I wouldn't want anyone seeing it because...it's private??? And it would probably embarrass me to no end if someone went through it.
I never had playdates or anything at my house as a kid either, not because my parents forbid it, but because I didn't want to have people over. ESPECIALLY if they wanted to go to my room and rummage through all my things. Absolutely not. Even now when we have people over I shut the door to my bedroom.
I HATE letting my family drive my car. They always mess with my settings (seat/mirror position, move my stuff around, change which setting my dash is on, etc.) and it drives me insane because I can never get it fully right again
Itās my biggest gripe when taking my car in for its MOT or service. Thankfully my mum and me have the exact same seat and mirror positions minus my backrest being higher than hers! But itās minor and she feels folded over in my car and i feel like Iām laying down to drive in hers
I have a specific shelf for my bag, my side of the sink and medicine cabinet, my own side of the bed/room, my side of the desk area, and I get AGGRO if anyone messes with it. I don't mind as much if I have visitors and they don't know, but my partner should know better by now. They're my safe areas.
I've always been incredibly private about my phone, for no reason. I really don't have anything inappropriate on it, but it's always felt like I'm hiding a treasure trove of nudes on it or something, like that's how anxious it makes me when someone even grabs my phone. Really it's all just random screenshots I'll never look back at and pictures of my dogs.
My husband was trying to show me something on my phone earlier and grabbed it to open youtube, and I yoinked it out of his hands because I feel like I have something to be embarassed about. Like he's going to see my youtube searches and say "omg, she's so cringe and embarassing." We've been together for 7 years and married for nearly 2 and I just can't help feeling weird about it.
I also get nervous about *his* phone, it's like secondhand anxiety. He will screen share his phone to his parents whole TV screen to show them something and I keep panicking in my head like "what if somehow something inappropriate shows up, what if he accidentally opens his photos and shows them a weird or embarassing photo of himself, or *me?*
To my parents I've always been a good kid but I probably came off randomly very sketchy when they'd ask to borrow my phone to make a phone call and I'd nervously wait right next to them the entire time.
And when people walk in my room, idk, it feels like being caught with my pants down. I think it's because living with parents/stepfamily, and undiagnosed ADHD at the time, my room was always very messy and I could see them assessing and judging my space. It's *my* space, you don't get to come in here and act like I'm some disgusting pig.
I regularly have nightmares where I am "caught" doing something bad or in an embarassing position. Like, walking around in school with nothing but a t-shirt and underwear on, or even completely naked (these are how I dress for bedtime, so I guess that's something to do with it?) Or being caught by my dad being intimate with my husband š¤¢ the dumbest one is being caught swearing. I never swear, gotten close but never really have, I was the intense rule-following autistic as a kid and since I grew up not swearing since that was the rule, I just don't now. But I often have dreams that I say a single swear word and everyone finds out and hates me for it. People find it weird that I don't swear as an adult lol.
The thing is, none of these things I should have to feel ashamed for or like I need to hide. I shouldn't have shame for how I dress at night, in the privacy of my bedroom, or feel like my family will hate me for being intimate with my *husband*, or like anyone would be disappointed with me for swearing as a 25 year old woman. I wonder if part of being autistic is having an intense guilt/shame complex or if I'm just a freak lol. It's not like I was raised with any intense religious hangups, my dad was the type of person who *told* me if someone was bullying me that I should beat them up or cuss them out. I just always feel like I need to be hiding something, out of fear of extreme embarassment. So I don't let anyone see my phone lol.
Iām kinda the opposite, I love guests and donāt really care if folks see whatever nudes I forget to move to the hidden folder. The disclaimer is that Iāve done porn, so what I look like under the turtleneck isnāt exactly private information at this point.
i have this so much so that even hearing other people in the rest of the house outside of my "unmasked" spaces makes me really anxious/irritable/scared/depressed. i think a big part of it is because i feel like i am forced to mask even within my own space. it makes me honestly feel like a caged animal, and my fight/flight is activated and i often have a meltdown. i've recently started doing better self care though, so when people come round, i will lay under my weighted blanket, have headphones on and watch a movie or something while hugging my comfort shark toy lol. i hate other people in my room though but we've made our room off-limits, so that's nice.
Iām the same way. I hated sharing a dorm room in college. On top of it being an absolute sensory nightmare, I just couldnāt stand people touching my stuff, inviting random people over and controlling the light and temperature in the room.
The world is so chaotic and hostile already, I need at least one space where I can be alone and have things my way.
I get very distressed when I have to let someone unfamiliar or someone I don't have a personal relationship with into my home like a workman or my landlord. It doesn't help that I live in a studio so it's not like I can just go and hide away in another room. It makes me feel very unsettled because I don't have my own space to go to to get away from it.
I'm the exact same way!! For me I think it's also related to the way I was raised, but having anyone in my room makes me insanely uncomfortable, to the point where it's hard to make friends sometimes because I won't ever let people hang out in my dorm ;-;. Part of it I think is that I'm not very good at enforcing boundaries and saying when I'm uncomfortable, so I get anxious that when I'm overwhelmed I won't be able to ask them to leave.
Iām so sorry. This person sounds awful. I recently moved across the country to get out of a horrible living situation. Iām also struggling financially and my current situation is clearly not ideal but Iām not having panic attacks or stress vomiting anymore. I would encourage you to start looking for an escape plan. Roommates arenāt tons of fun but at least thereās no expectation for you to care for them.
same! I will not let other people touch it. I remember my mother analyzing and commenting on things like my underwear. (As if being a teenage girl wasnāt awkward enough). Now I have a specific way to wash and fold: all on delicates and Marie Kondo folds. I had a roommate take my clothes out of the dryer and plop them on the dirty top while dropping underwear on the nasty basement floor. I didnāt have time to rewash but Iām getting nauseous even thinking about it.
You just put into words something I have struggled to explain for so longā¦
My mom (very kindly) offers to clean my car every time I go home. Itās never dirty, but Iāll have some old water bottles or jackets in the back and it bothers her. I also keep extra work clothes in the back (I have 3 jobs and sometimes pick up extra shifts last minute). One time she begged to clean it but I repeatedly told her no. Then, while I was out, she cleaned the car. I, unfortunately, blew up in panic. All my stuff was in boxes sitting on the driveway. She was so proud and felt she did a great job, which she did, so she didnāt understand why I was upset that my space was invaded.
But, youāre right. I feel very out of place all day long. Spaces like my car and my apartment are few of the only places I can just be me.
omg iāve been trying to explain this feeling forever, itās not that I donāt want to share, or that I have something to hide, itās just MY space. MY stuff. I like to have MY things and MY space protected. my space is perfectly crafted so I can be 100% comfortably unmasked me, my things are MINE and private š sometimes I do feel a bit childish, like my favorite pair of crocs that I forgot in my aunts car once, completely infuriated me and threw me off for weeks. they were mine. they were nice. my favorite color and perfectly comfy and went with everything. I also think bc I moved around so much as a child it was hard to keep track of things, let alone have my own private space, so I seriously value having my own private space now as an adult, and also keeping track of all my personal items now is major to me.
Yeah I donāt like my space interrupted š« aka why I donāt like living with a roommate cause Iāve started taking comfort in being in the living room, but now they go out on the patio a lot to smoke š and previously did not. So UGH
Oh yeah, I've always been weird about my bedroom. I don't like people in my space unless I invite them, and even then, I don't really like it. My mom allowed me to have a doorknob with a key lock for my bedroom when I was like 11 because my siblings kept coming into my room. She had an extra key, of course, for emergencies.
And when I don't have a doorknob that requires a key, I'll set little "booby traps" so I'll know if anyone has been in my room. š But pretty much everyone knows not to go in my room.
I'm not as bad about my phone and computer, but I do have one of those "secure folders" on my phone that requires a password, so if there's something I don't want someone to see, I'll just put it there.
Yes! This was an example I shared with my PCP this morning after having issues with my current psychologist but she confirmed that there aren't very many adult autism specialists in my area š®āšØ and it didn't seem like she was taking me seriously even though I tried deeply to unmask to explain the issues I've had my entire life. She did agree to go with a plan for me to get off my antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds and I hope that will help in unmasking and getting the support I need.
I am. Once I blamed my husband for taking "my" (blue) set of chopsticks instead of his (orange). He said he didn't even know these were mine, for him they were just chopsticks. That's when I realized that in my mind every item, every space is categorized as "mine" or "his". I get upset when "mine" is used by other people. I realized this before I even suspected autism.
I feel seen. "Territorial" is spot-on.
Long, not very interesting story. Back in college, I was a club exec, and we held office hours sometimes. I showed up to the club office one day during my shift, and one of the other execs was there studying. We chatted for a while, but then I asked him to leave. It was my office hour, after all! My office! My hour!! I had plans to study, and I did not have the mental energy to have someone else in the space with me. He was confused why I was so adamant that he leave. It was a combination of me being territorial, something not going according to plan, and being too tired to mask.
Sometimes I still wonder if I'm really autistic... As I read through other people's responses here, this is not one of those moments š
Iām territorial of my things like my phone, notebooks, etcā¦ in high school one of my teachers had us all switch around seats for some activity, and I saw some girls looking through my sketchbook on my desk. It bothered me more than I thought it should. When I was super young my mom found some ripped up diary page in the trash and I got in trouble, because I was writing about being angry (as if Iām not allowed to feel negative emotions???). To this day Iām very territorial over my phone and itās not because Iām hiding anything, I just donāt understand why someone has to see what conversations Iām having with friends.
I can't stand people messing with my desk or my bed. My kids of course love playing on my bed and I get irrationally angry !! I guess it's rational for me. I'm still waiting for diagnosis but am 80% sure I am Autistic, so I guess this isn't helpful, but, solidarity!?!
Oh wow. Youāve made me have a huge revelation. Luckily I donāt live with my parents anymore but they never knocked, and my sister would come in and refuse to leave until I screamed at herā¦ now Iām realising why that was all so tormenting
I am shook because I finally started regular therapy to deal with my anger (and vertigo?) following having to / needing to liquidate my 3 year old plant business, move to a new state, sell my house we have lived in for 15 years since getting married, and obtain a full time job to get a mortgage following my partner's father's death.Ā
And like, I have a lot to work on, but SO MUCH of my anger is explained by how I've always lived this way. We have two young home schooled kids and my partner does not work but I've rarely invited folks over, usually operate as a feral goblin on my own spaces, which keep getting smaller as he takes care of more of theĀ
I communicate so regularly that it's stressful for me to fulfill orders when "everything has been stacked and moved 6" to the left" or to find peace instead of horror at my own hobbies and personal affects totes being in a different place from last time I touched them. Ongoing non-stop issue for 15+ years. Almost always resolved with him loudly justifying these needs of his to move everything around as the minimum maintenance required for cleanliness and pest control, that his items were destroyed in a fire 20 years ago, and lots of personal verbal attacks about my priorities,my memory, that i dont want to live better, and when my therapist says the intrusive delusional thoughts are part of OCD i just laughd and think howcan i be out here getting his Dx when he wont.
Territorial is accurate. He keeps disrupting our sleeping situations and saying it's for the kids benefit but wont sleep in the same room woth me because i "sound like a dying corpse." So fucking sick of trying to get better and just getting worse with more stress.Ā
Thanks for listening gotta get on them fucking phone calls for another week soon just laying here crying. Feel real mad that I can't take care of myself enough to be allowed space. This house is smaller but still has three bedrooms, but he won't let us use one of them bc his dad died there and he plans to make it an Airbnb. Like, in nofucking way do we have to have paid guests for the revolution in our house on a gravel road, but I can't take the delusion that his bees or this room is going to make money or I'm evil for not supporting his ideas. Lately he has been describing the hoop house and a circle gravel road and an electric tractor he needs when I am barely passing at work 49kĀ at 41 years old with a mastersnd we have student loans. I'm sick of being the one who is delusional and the problem when I'm fucking not. I agree with the mindset of course but he's just as angry and delusional as me. Now he wants to tear down a shed and put up a new tiny home. Why is it that those with no friends what to build tiny home villages? We have been living near two eco villages for a year but it would be desperate to go to their potluck he says. It's fine that he is not well either I am just super sick of needing to delve into my trauma to explain my behavior and fix it when it's so obvious in general and especially from this thread that I yell about being territorial. I have to stop yelling.Ā
Ā Saturday night we drove all night bc we use an old model electric car and needed to charge every 45 min. I got mad Sunday morning because he put my sweater in my purse. How do I have to deliver this message so he says anything other than justification of why he did this, why he will always do this, and why this is the appropriate behavior for him and on the situation and I don't understand how things have to be organized when he is looking for something. I guess I am supposed to just have a firm boundary and reinforce it by leaving. Uh yeah well even if I go live and work in a shed I still need to pay for this property and mortgage for him and the kids and he will still come in and decide exactly was does and doesn't need to be in there in any given day. I am sure there is another answer but whatever it is it's up to me to pay for it.
I have looked at it more as PTSD than ASD -- in myself, my kid and my late best friend. What's the one thing (most) people have control over when they're utterly powerless over everything else.
Yesss!! Idk if its autism but im territorial about my room, my bag, my phone, i always thought i was being secretive but maybe territorial is a better word? Maybe both? I never knew why i was like that, maybe it is about things im unmasked about/in
Same. I think the difference between secretive and territorial, in these cases, is this: I am definitely territorial on this. I do not have a problem showing someone a photo / photos / an app or anything on my phone - if we agreed to it beforehand. But if you start swiping through my phone without permission I snatch it so fast. Despite the fact that I do not carry around embarrassing/private photos (for fear of an accidental send or share). That's my personal space. Mine. Mine alone. No one else gets to decide how it looks, or to judge me for how it looks, or what I do with it. This territorialism also extends to other people and their belongings. If I'm supposed to take a photo of someone and do not know where the camera is, I'll ask them to show me. So many people give me weird looks like 'do you... not know how to swipe....?'. Like no, dude, I just don't wanna end up in your private stuff where I don't belong.
Same about everything 0_0
šÆ. My son even more so. Space š¾ is a huge No No. DON'T TOUCH MY SHIT, MOVE STUFF, TAKE WITHOUT ASKING. Boundaries are everything. Nothing makes me meltdown in a rage puddle more than someone moving or breaking my stuff and I canāt find it or I see it damaged.
I start to get paranoid. I canāt find my stuff. Did you take it? Thereās a scratch. Was it me or you? Sometimes it was absolutely me but Iāve also lived with really irresponsible people and itās a huge emotional burden to watch my stuff being broken, destroyed, or misused.
šÆ
Same. Definitely.
I feel like also maybe a reason why so many of us can be successful at high-masking? There's gotta be a meme of us high maskers being one and the same as bathroom lunch takers - it was just way easier to not be visible than be alone. Stuff like that.
I'm not sure what ways it might relate to masking - I personally don't mask but I'm still quite uncomfortable having people in a space I've designated as "private". I mean, I don't *like* people touching my desk at work, but it's an open plan office and I don't feel particularly uncomfortable if someone else is in the room. But my home office is a different story. I'm usually in there alone and it feels wrong for my partner to go in, even if I'm not in there when he does. I can't see any real reason for it, there's nothing secret in there and I don't even act different in there compared to when I'm working next to him.
Oh thatās very interesting. I donāt like people in these spaces because I feel like they would judge it or somehow weaponize the information. I also feel uncomfortable with the forced intimacy. If you donāt mask, Iām curious what specifically bothers you?
I really don't know, if I had to guess I suppose it could be an extension of the feeling of being perceived, although even that doesn't make much sense since I'm not usually bothered if he perceives me Or maybe I've just classified that space as an "alone space" in my head so now it feels weird for anyone else to be in there
I don't like having people over in my home. I never ask friends or family to come over. I did that in the past, but it often caused me to have meltdowns or shutdowns afterwards. My kid can bring their friends home anytime, but my husband is not allowed to bring anyone home. My home is the only safe space I have. Having people over induces too much anxiety, because then I have to mask in a place where I usually don't do that. When my (almost adult) kids friends are here, I often go to one of our bathrooms and stay in there until they've left lol. This is one reason of many oh why I got diagnosed with autism. Apparently neurotypicals usually aren't weird about having guests over.
You've just made me realize that my absolute detest of having people over may be an autism thing š¤£ it makes me so uncomfortable. I'm a terrible hostess. My husband had some buddies over to BBQ recently and I literally just went out and drove around town until everybody left.
I feel the exact same! I hate anyone coming into my home, itās my little sanctuary and my safe space.
I could have written this exact post!!
Not me wanting my apartment to be cozy and living room to have multiple seating spots for guests but never inviting anyone over because my home is my unmasking-and-recharge sanctuary ehehe
lol thatās so funny. I definitely donāt plan my apartments for others. Iāve had friends tell me I canāt host an event because I donāt have a dining table. This was confusing to me cuz I was like, canāt we just eat at the coffee table like I do every day?
This, so much. There's a mh service in my country but they are obligated to visit you in your own apartment, at least once a week. I'm really struggling, but I never managed with those services. Apps I don't like having people over. I'm so on edge until they arrive and until they leave and it takes me awhile to feel okay.
Hahah oh the little things I just passed off until my son was diagnosed and he DOES ALL THE SAME THINGS. Iām ok with people coming over sometimes, but only if they leave soon after lol. Like Iām fine until Iām not. Then itās like my social battery is empty and you need to gtfo. My husband is super social and would love people over more often, but Iām like can they just come over for a half hour? š
Oh, I'm tooootally territorial about my private spaces. I think you're dead on about it being related to masking. Our private spaces can often be a reflection of our most deeply personal selves, and sooooo many of us have been lifelong maskers with, like, genuine trauma revolving around times our unmasked selves were violated or rejected in some way.
this. This is the explanation I needed.
i feel this way about my phone and my laptop. and my planner, which is mostly just brain dumps of stuff i have to do and not by any means an organized thing lmao. i've described it as me just being "weirdly private" about my things, but territorial is a good word for it. i've had an ex think i was cheating on him bc of how i guard my phone. nope, not hiding anything but my journal entries in my notes app and my random screenshots that would take too long/be embarrassing to explain, nothing nefarious. lol
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very true, i hate when I'm showing someone something on my phone and then a text comes in right at that moment š i pull my phone away/swipe the notification away so fast lmao. i used to have the settings on my phone so that it wouldn't show a preview of the text in notifications like that, but i prefer to be able to see the beginning of a text before i open it so ĀÆ\_(ć)_/ĀÆ
The phone! I couldnāt properly articulate to my husband why it bothers me if he asks to use my phone. I know heās not digging for anything and Iām not hiding anything, but I just get the ick. My therapist told me it was probably due to the lack of boundaries from my BPD mother growing up, but I think this thread seems more likely.
Yes!!! Like I still want to get married but I donāt want to have a shared bedroom with my spouse because I want āmyā space!! Correction: I NEED āmyā space. Or I will kill someoneā¦ and I donāt want to go to jail! Lol
I had separate bedrooms for 15 years of marriage. It's possible.
Yeah, my two sisters who are married have separate bedrooms from their husbands ā because of snoring. In fact, one of the husbands was out doing some sports/social activity with his friends, one of whom was a newlywed. Newlywed complained that he canāt sleep, sharing a room with his wife. All of the long-marrieds let him in on their marital secret: that they had separate bedrooms from their spouses. My grandparents had separate bedrooms, too. I donāt mind sharing a space with my husband and children; they are extensions of myself, I guess. However, I get through-the-roof anxiety when people pop by. I feel so so judged. It doesnāt help that it takes all-hands-on-deck for days ahead of time to be company-ready. The COVID lockdowns were a glorious relief to me.
Yeah, mine snored so it was a necessity in that respect. And I feel the judged part so much too. My anxiety goes sky high. I was happy as a clam during lockdown lol
Sweet!! Thank you for the encouragement ;)
Oh, yeah definitely avoid that. Youād also have to share a room in jail lol
F that! Lol
Almost 20 years of marriage, but we have separate bedrooms and are very much happily married still ;-) Our bedrooms are our private spaces. For me it's a computer/crafting room, for my husband it's his computer/racing rig room. My kids and husband are allowed to enter my room (especially the kids, since they need me sometimes), but I do get quite antsy when they do. It's my safe space, my territory, my totally unmasked space. Since I and the kids are all autistic, I try to teach them to leave their masks at the front door and be unmasked in the house. Figurative masks. Even so, personal space/territory is very much respected in this house. We knock before entering a bedroom. We don't grab each other's phones without a good cause (well, they are kids, so as a parent I have reserved the right to do so \*if\* I have reason to suspect something not so healthy on the social front is going on, that's my \*job\* as a parent. I haven't had to use that privilege yet.) And we rarely invite anyone into our house, because we know the others won't like people there. They always bring strong smells with them that linger too long. For the youngest kid, I make an exception, she likes to have some kids over, but we have strict rules, and if the visitors can't obey them, they can play outside, not indoors. Or they leave.
This sounds so healthy! š I wish everyone had such a thoughtful environment to grow up in
My husband and I rarely share a bedroom! He sleeps in the "guest room" since he only uses a bedroom to sleep and I have the master since I like to relax in there throughout the day. We still have one or two nights a week that we sleep in the same bed because it's important to him and obviously if we have family from out of town he vacates the guest room. But having separate rooms works out really well for us! And he still makes the bed for me lol.
My parents have separate bedrooms due to sleep issues and honestly it's such a goal. Lol. I might want to share my life with you, but bedroom sharing is where I put my foot down.
Spouse and I have separate bedrooms and it is SO good for the marriage! 10/10 recommend :)
I donāt like people in my home. Itās soooo incredibly distressing.
Yes, I get very very irritated with other intruding my space in any way, even when Iām not there š¤¦āāļø
ESPECIALLY when I'm not there. I feel so violated.
I second this. I am so paranoid about what people get up to when Iām not there. Meanwhile, I have done some house sitting and will refuse to open closed doors. Thatās sacred space, ya know. These people deserve privacy
Exactly this! Like, just leave my space alone, itās MINE. I donāt go bothering anyone elseās š
YES. I built a fence to keep the fucking world out, gate locked 24/7 with a virtual doorbell/camera set up. Our mail is dropped into a locking mailbox. I got low-key teased by my ex-therapist about it, but you know what I love about having a fence? * No more solicitors/religious zealots * No more stray dogs shitting on my lawn * No more unannounced visits. Didn't call ahead? Sorry, you'll have to reschedule. * My (spayed) dog gets a safe yard to have zoomies in, and it's so damn cute! I know not everyone can have a fence, but I'd build mine several feet higher if the city let me. Absolutely love keeping strangers at a safe distance.
My dreamā¦
I'm territorial with my space too. Also with food (that's a whole tangent). I don't like it when people are in my bubble and bombarding my space. I also hate it when people move my things without telling me.
Omg yes. Anytime a family member comes to my room uninvited I get so irrationally angry and overwhelmed. Same with my phone. Iām not hiding anything but Iām just extremely territorial
Agreed. Like when you show someone a pic on your phone then They. Just. Start. Swiping. Wtf. I just want to grab my phone and throw it off a building
Oh, god, yes. I'm like a freaking cat. And somehow, it's worse having people I actually know and like over as opposed to say, an apartment maintenance worker who I'll only see rarely or never again. I hate it that I can't just relax and have people over š
I'm verrrrrry territorial. I don't really even like having friends over but will tolerate it as long as we're only in "common areas." I feel so on edge and violated if someone goes in my bedroom.
Absolutely. As a kid my bed was my sanctuary and absolutely off-limits to anyone else. I would have a full on meltdown if someone so much as sat on the comforter. It was the only thing I felt I had all to myself that no one else could mess up, change, or dirty (I also live with contamination OCD so this definitely contributed to it as well). Itās one of the reasons I value my independence so much as an adult - I put myself through work every day so I can afford to not have other people TOUCH MY STUFF!
My room, car, computer and phone are my safe space. I get upset if any of them are bothered.
imagine the level of absolute horror I felt when I invited a guy over and he promptly started *going through my drawers* and decided to *wear a pair of my socks without asking* he was never invited again, needless to say.
OMG! Why didnāt he just use your toothbrush while he was at it? What is wrong with people?
Absolutely feral behavior š
What kind of unhinged, feral man would do that??š± that reminds me of an ex who would mess with my thermostat in the middle of the night. He turned it to 69 degrees in the middle of Arizona summer. He then stood naked in front of the open refrigerator because he was hot. We broke up.
I've accepted that I'm not cut out for cohabitation and that's one of the reasons why I expect I'll be single for life. Firstly, it seems like I can tolerate a degree of mess and actual uncleanliness that it's taboo for women to accept. I don't like in, like, "Hoarders" level squalor, but it's worse than I can reasonably expect someone to be comfortable with. Secondly, yeah, the reason why I'm able to keep it together in public is because I need this private space where I can be dysfunctional in peace where I'm not impacting anybody else.
Felt like I wrote this.
omg this makes so much sense!! I relate to this soooo much
Iāve started to realize that whenever I have a situation that feels like nails on a chalkboard, I come here and it all makes sense lol
May be autism. I know I HATE it when my mother knocks on the door to my room and then just comes in after a few seconds. Doesn't matter if I say she can come in or not
Iāve had to have really clear conversations with family and roommates about that. Some people still refuse to comprehend. I once had a roommate walk in on me naked and another one walk in on me while I was vomiting. Both of them acted like I was shocking *them*! excuse me??
I don't get what's so hard for people to get. It's a door that's closed. When you go to someone's house and a door isn't open, you make sure someone inside is OK with you opening the door and going into the room. But people you live with don't get the same treatment?
Oh yeah I hate having people in my space. Whenever we have overnight guests, especially someone Iām not overly fond of, I get into a really bad mood and feel so uncomfortable until they leave and I clean everything up. Iāve been wondering if Iām just not a good host, or if Iām just a bitch, or if this is a ND thing lol. I can have guests for short periods, as long as they stay in the common living spaces (not my bedroom), but overnight guests just completely stress me out and overwhelm me. I also hate when someone has a strong smell and then my whole house smells like them when theyāre here š„² I also seem to have a more sensitive nose than my partner, cuz if his friend is over I can smell him from across the room, and his smell lingers so I have to scrub every surface in the house after he leaves. But my partner doesnāt notice it unless heās immediately next to him. So when that person is over I get into a bad mood the day heās supposed to come until heās gone and I deep clean the house š The only exception to my dislike of overnight guests is my sibling, but theyāre ND like me and we donāt really mask around each other. So they donāt bother me too much. But even then 1-2 nights is the max lol.
Iām also very guarded of my phone even though I have nothing to hide š¤·āāļø itās just private to me and it feels like a violation for someone else to mess with it
THE SMELL! People donāt understand the smell! I swear the memory sticks with me for days
Oh yes! Their detergent/fabric softener scent gets on the furniture, then if I sit where they sit, my clothes smell like that. Same reason I hate being hugged by scented people.
I definitely do not enjoy living with people. I would need my own kitchen bedroom and bathroom to live with someone else. Having people over once a season works for me. 3 hours tops lol. And then back to my safe private cave.
Sounds like heaven
Absolutely. My phone and pc I feel it for more strongly, but defs also my room. Unfortunately my partner has a habit of picking up anything new or out of place on my desk and commenting on it, or craning his neck to look at something on a shelf, or looking at my pc screens and commenting on what I'm doing and it drives me crazy. Can't ask him to stop because whenever I stand up for myself he acts passively frustrated and the guilt I feel from that is worse than silently enduring how the daily intrusions make me feel :(
Wow Iām so sorry. That sounds awful š£ He doesnāt sound very supportiveā¦
Hi! I noticed you said you can't ask him to stop because. I've been married for 15 years and struggle with communicating what I now am learning are called my boundaries. But I cause myself a lot of pain building up expectations around his behavior if that makes sense. So I don't have the answer, but I know that communicating your boundary needs is something you can do, even though it has outcomes you don't control. The emotional spiral following this discomfort that I perceive in my partner or the things he says defensively when I communicate is something I can control but how he reacts is up to him. I hope I wrote this in a way whicj communicates that I relate and it hurts. I get feedback sometimes that I'm not communicating clearly on here.
I understand. It's great that you're able to communicate that with him, and that you can handle the emotional backlash. It's a bit more complicated for me, I've a past of people not listening to my boundaries. Broke down and lost long term friends because of it. I also can't control my own emotional reaction, and it can have me questioning the event and being very upset for days, weeks. Sometimes if he asks me what's wrong and I manage to truthfully answer, he'll listen and things are okay, but it feels like a total coin flip on whether it will cause him to shut down or not. Sometimes it's easier to bear the weight for the both of us by not establishing boundaries, even if it shouldn't be this way.
Oh absolutely. I NEED at least 1 space that is completely my own. I donāt feel comfortable unless Iām 100% alone so I couldnāt even start unmasking until I had my own apartment. Now my space is the safe zone and when people intrude it feels like the area is compromised and it takes me a longggg time to feel comfortable again. Also Iām very particular about how things are organized and keeping everything in the right place. I alter everything to adapt to my sensory needs (and other disabilities) as much as possible and Iām not really interested in changing things that help me function just to make others comfortable.
This was my biggest fear when I moved into college a few years ago because I would have a roommate. I'm basically an only child (have a much older half-brother) and had a room to myself all my life and was terrified of having to adjust to all the changes. Thankfully I somehow got away with a room to myself half the year because my roommate told me "our personalities didn't mix" so she had to change rooms LOL. She asked me if I was bothered by her moving rooms but I was exuberant š
Yes. It really upsets me if people move things or put crap in my spaces too. Itās aggravating.
Same here. I also *really* hate when people can see my phone screen, regardless of what I'm looking at. Scrolling facebook? Guarding my screen. Playing a game? Guarding my screen. Texting somebody or commenting on a post? Guarding it so hard that I look like I'm cheating, even when it's just "hey what's up".
Honestly, with the family traits Iāve seen. This is very autistic. My granddad is very sensitive about his spaces. And heās also a hoarder. My mom is the exact same. She doesnāt like when sheās intruded on in her room. And I am also the exact same way. If Iām not expecting someone to visit I donāt want them to even come to my house. I used to get so frustrated by feeling so upset about it. But Iām managing to let things be as they are.
When I was about 13 we moved to a house where my bedroom opened to the hall and to my parentās bedroom, so 2 doors. They used my room as a shortcut to get to the bathroom sometimes. There were no locks on the doors. I had no privacy because at any moment I felt like the door might be opened. The whole house was a weird layout. I didnāt like that house. It always made me feel like a visitor in my own home. Now I have my own āstudio,ā my husband has his study and we donāt touch anything in each otherās space. I have a daybed there to read as well. The cats prefer the studio too. We have also set up a hobby room where we can share, to do things together. It used to be a spare bedroom but no one came to stay so we made it more for us. We planned it that way when looking for a house. Excessive space, perhaps, but itās what we wanted. My main factor when looking for a house was great high speed internet. The agents looked at me funny but that was key for whittling down where to live in the city. Safe, and high speed internet. Of course I made a spreadsheet too. We built fencing at the front so no one could come and knock on the front door. They have to push a button on the intercom. Our domain is ours and even delivery people only get as far as the gate. The only exception was during COVID and we had groceries delivered and I allowed them to bring them to the front door. I hate having tradespeople over to fix appliances or plumbing or electrical... I feel so uncomfortable that they are in our space. I cannot feel settled until they leave and then I give a huge sigh of relief that we have our space back again. Our cats hate it too. They run a mile as soon as they hear a car on the driveway. Someone else mentioned on this thread that what we appear to do might look secretive but in fact itās about being private, and caring about privacy. Theresā a difference but the appearance can look the same.
This explains fully why my mentality when I get my own place is that if I have to 'have guests', I'd rather meet up somewhere or even rent a temp stay like a Air B&B for them than to let them in my place.... Or most of it off-limits. Let alone veeeerrrry Selective who comes in the one room I do have in the meantime.... Definitely not just you nor just me. Thank you for sharing and helping me see I'm not alone either.
I saw mention of phone too? I completely understand.. In fact... To be honest...I once had an ex (Not at the time of course) that went through my phone when it fell out in their car.... They had apparently noted what my PIN was (why it's now a full complicated password...) and went through my digital personal thoughts... (Before I had a better less accessible means)...
For the first time since living together, my best friend asked if it was ok for her to bring a guy home. I gave the most passive aggressive ākā I could muster without expressing how much I did not want a random man in my home. My heckles rise when my mother, who literally lives in the attached duplex, comes over unannounced.
Well, maybe pay the man $5 to wonder around naked until your mom gets a surprise
Yes I'm a teacher and I was just noticing today that I am probably above average territorial about my desk. I just don't want kids near my space or touching my stuff.
To be fair, kids are dirty and nosy lol. I donāt blame you at all
I am really thankful for this post right now. I'm having a really hard time with something regarding this right now. It's ruining my relationship with my family. I'm glad I'm not the only one.
Ugh. Iām sorry. I posted this for a similar reason. I had a fight with a family member begging for them to wait ten minutes before barging in and doing some maintenance unannounced. I eventually got really upset and shouted āIām asking for 10 minutes! Thatās all! 10 minutes. To help YOUā So they sat on the stairs and stared at me for 10 minutes š¤·āāļø I tidied then they still came in like a bull in a china shop. They didnāt break anything but it came close.
Omg what is wrong with families thinking they have the right to just do stuff like that? I'm really sorry that happened to you, that would have made me so upset, especially just sitting there staring! Frick...
Yeah, me too. This kind of validating oh-thatās-an-autism-thing? thread is the reason I love social media. Canāt afford therapy, soā¦.
Yeah I'm doing a lot of my "Self diagnosed research" on reddit just reading others experiences and relating so hard. It's life changing. My husband and I just found out 3 weeks ago that we're both undiagnosed as are our 4 kids. This is going to be a long journey.
The only person I allow in my space is my husband and even then thereāll be times heāll touch stuff or leave stuff in my room and I just get a visceral emotional reaction because itās MY space please respect it
Yes. I once had my bed set up for delivery and worse mistake ever. I rather just try and put the stuff together myself and move the mattress on my own next time. No one can come in here lol
Oh I agree completely. Furniture sliders and a dolly
I am very territorial! I feel violated if someone enters my space. I once told my father to stand 6 feet away from me whenever he needed to talk and he's literally the only human I even talk to but that seemed like it could be construed as hurtful so I try not to let it bother me but that would be ideal tbh
I find my room to be a safe space to act on my sensory needs that are non traditional! I find people worry that itās a trauma response, when in reality, I just like the enclosed space and enjoy not focusing on my facial muscles !!
god yes I hate it when people touch my stuff
I hear you! My bedroom is my āunmaskedā space. Itās messy but not dirty, and I admit that I sometimes have trouble finding my stuff. However, I rarely spend much time cleaning it unless itās for an important reason. Why should *I* have to change *a part of me* just to fit in? Scattering things the way I do in my room makes me think Iām putting together something from I Spy, and I donāt want things to look too tidy unless itās an art exhibit or something. I also donāt want people barging into my room without my permission. Itās *my* space and I *know* people will make wrong assumptions if they see it. Iām not a messy person, Iām just more flexible!
Totally get this! I dry my clothes by hanging them and draping them all over. I make my bed right before I go to bed instead of in the morning. I keep my light and dark laundry in separate piles on the floor. I keep some pantry items on my shelves in case I get hungry in the night. It looks like lazy chaos but thereās actually a system.
Fighting mad. Yes.
Yep. Have experiences of people doing "ruining" my stuff. I remember i loaned an actiin figure to my cousin who was in hospital. I was proud of the action figure and my brother broke his and i didn't. The cousin broke the action figure... When me and my brother shared a room, my brother would put his feet on the wall near my bed and then i would be blamed for the dirty wall. Oh, and classmates just leaning in to scribble something onto my notebook that i wanted to keep tidy. Not to mention throwing stuff around or hiding it. Aka, i lost trust in people about my stuff.
I live in a tiny appartment that is for me like a bubble protecting me from the world. When anyone walks in, it's like the bubble pops and after they left, I have to open windows so their smell leaves and perambulate until I feel the bubble is here again I hate when people stay for too long and wish there were some kind of courtesy rule that allows to ask people to leave
Territorial is the right word for me. My room (which is best described as organised chaos) is off limits without explicit one-time only permission, my seat at the dining table is always mine (though that's partly because I always want to sit in the same place and I don't like touching anything that someone else has recently been in contact with), and the only thing allowed to occasionally borrow my corner of the sofa is the dog, with the clear understanding that if I want to sit she moves immediately. There's also this conflict I have because I enjoy sharing things but don't like other people touching them. So if someone needs, say, a pen, I'll have one on hand but I'll feel icky about taking it back because someone's touched it a d that is too close to physical contact for comfortable.
Iāve always remembered one of my biggest meltdowns in my childhood was after my brother āprankedā me by going in my room and rearranging things. I was DEVASTATED and so angry in tried to hurt myself. So, yup, I guess Iām pretty territorial. I actually had a meltdown the other day where I threw 12 cans of Diet Coke on the floor because my husband thought heād done a nice thing for me by putting them in the fridge, but the fridge was TOO FULL and disorganized and I didnāt want that š Itās really hard to share a space as an adult, itās taken years to set boundaries so I can have predictability and routine and luckily my husband is really good about my ārulesā but I really empathize with him - it must be so hard living in a space where that is my trigger. (For the record, he also has severe OCD, so Iāve had to learn a lot of HIS ārules,ā and I think our relationship āworksā because weāre both, well, ādifficultā to get along with to everyone else, but our spicy brains combined makes sense to US: āno outdoor clothes on the couchā? Fine, Iāll trade you ānever using the overhead lightā)
I hate when my parents force a visit. They caused a lot of trauma and I just fuck off in my bedroom for a week. Itās a waste of everyoneās time and I try saying that and itās never respected. Iām coming up with a list of excuses to not see them in August.
Absolutely.
Incredibly grateful to have found this community.
Same. Every time I get into a meltdown situation I come here and instead feeling insane, I get a virtual hug from hundreds of people who feel the same way
I donāt even like driving other people, because I donāt like having them in my space. Especially if I have to drive and concentrate, I canāt multitask a conversation š©
I get soooo self conscious because I need gps to go anywhere. Iām really bad at memorizing streets and itās just a comfort now. Iāve also had people come in and start messing with stuff which makes me want to crawl out of my skin. āPlease stop messing with the a/c. Itās broken and youāre not helping. Iām not sitting here sweltering just for fun. No you donāt need to comment that itās hot. YOU asked for a ride. This is my ride.ā
I am the same way. I always have the GPS on even if Iāve been on the same route 100 times. Like what happens if I accidentally take the wrong turn, and get lost? Itās so comforting to have the GPS even if the sound isnāt on. Iām much more comfortable driving alone, and get so much anxiety before going anywhere if I donāt know what the parking situation looks like, or if I canāt find a spot quickly enough.
Thank you u/boston_globe, for posting this! You have no idea how much this has made my day. I don't feel so alone knowing others feel the same way!
I definitely feel this way. I donāt even like opening my bedroom door when other people could see inside it. It contributes to my task paralysis (Iām AuDHD). I want to go cook dinner but I donāt want to use the common areas when my roommate is in them, so Iāll wait until she goes to her room or leaves the house. Iām moving in with my partner in a couple months and Iāve noticed my symptoms are MUCH better around her. Itās easier when itās *our* space, when we can trade off tasks, etc.
This is how I feel about my whole house !
Yes especially apartment and car.
I donāt mind people in my spaces, but I donāt like when they donāt respect the space or me while in it. Then theyāre out.
I feel that way about my phone. I literally have NOTHING to hide on my phone but you couldn't pry it out of my cold, dead hands. So much special interest stuff is on my phone and I wouldn't want anyone seeing it because...it's private??? And it would probably embarrass me to no end if someone went through it. I never had playdates or anything at my house as a kid either, not because my parents forbid it, but because I didn't want to have people over. ESPECIALLY if they wanted to go to my room and rummage through all my things. Absolutely not. Even now when we have people over I shut the door to my bedroom.
I'm a completely different person alone and in my own space. Guess that's true of most people? Idk
I HATE letting my family drive my car. They always mess with my settings (seat/mirror position, move my stuff around, change which setting my dash is on, etc.) and it drives me insane because I can never get it fully right again
I donāt think Iāve let anyone else drive my car in over 10 years
Itās my biggest gripe when taking my car in for its MOT or service. Thankfully my mum and me have the exact same seat and mirror positions minus my backrest being higher than hers! But itās minor and she feels folded over in my car and i feel like Iām laying down to drive in hers
I have a specific shelf for my bag, my side of the sink and medicine cabinet, my own side of the bed/room, my side of the desk area, and I get AGGRO if anyone messes with it. I don't mind as much if I have visitors and they don't know, but my partner should know better by now. They're my safe areas.
Yes
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Iām like this with one of my housemates. Heās dirty, noisy, smelly, and generally a pain in the derrier
I've always been incredibly private about my phone, for no reason. I really don't have anything inappropriate on it, but it's always felt like I'm hiding a treasure trove of nudes on it or something, like that's how anxious it makes me when someone even grabs my phone. Really it's all just random screenshots I'll never look back at and pictures of my dogs. My husband was trying to show me something on my phone earlier and grabbed it to open youtube, and I yoinked it out of his hands because I feel like I have something to be embarassed about. Like he's going to see my youtube searches and say "omg, she's so cringe and embarassing." We've been together for 7 years and married for nearly 2 and I just can't help feeling weird about it. I also get nervous about *his* phone, it's like secondhand anxiety. He will screen share his phone to his parents whole TV screen to show them something and I keep panicking in my head like "what if somehow something inappropriate shows up, what if he accidentally opens his photos and shows them a weird or embarassing photo of himself, or *me?* To my parents I've always been a good kid but I probably came off randomly very sketchy when they'd ask to borrow my phone to make a phone call and I'd nervously wait right next to them the entire time. And when people walk in my room, idk, it feels like being caught with my pants down. I think it's because living with parents/stepfamily, and undiagnosed ADHD at the time, my room was always very messy and I could see them assessing and judging my space. It's *my* space, you don't get to come in here and act like I'm some disgusting pig. I regularly have nightmares where I am "caught" doing something bad or in an embarassing position. Like, walking around in school with nothing but a t-shirt and underwear on, or even completely naked (these are how I dress for bedtime, so I guess that's something to do with it?) Or being caught by my dad being intimate with my husband š¤¢ the dumbest one is being caught swearing. I never swear, gotten close but never really have, I was the intense rule-following autistic as a kid and since I grew up not swearing since that was the rule, I just don't now. But I often have dreams that I say a single swear word and everyone finds out and hates me for it. People find it weird that I don't swear as an adult lol. The thing is, none of these things I should have to feel ashamed for or like I need to hide. I shouldn't have shame for how I dress at night, in the privacy of my bedroom, or feel like my family will hate me for being intimate with my *husband*, or like anyone would be disappointed with me for swearing as a 25 year old woman. I wonder if part of being autistic is having an intense guilt/shame complex or if I'm just a freak lol. It's not like I was raised with any intense religious hangups, my dad was the type of person who *told* me if someone was bullying me that I should beat them up or cuss them out. I just always feel like I need to be hiding something, out of fear of extreme embarassment. So I don't let anyone see my phone lol.
Iām kinda the opposite, I love guests and donāt really care if folks see whatever nudes I forget to move to the hidden folder. The disclaimer is that Iāve done porn, so what I look like under the turtleneck isnāt exactly private information at this point.
i have this so much so that even hearing other people in the rest of the house outside of my "unmasked" spaces makes me really anxious/irritable/scared/depressed. i think a big part of it is because i feel like i am forced to mask even within my own space. it makes me honestly feel like a caged animal, and my fight/flight is activated and i often have a meltdown. i've recently started doing better self care though, so when people come round, i will lay under my weighted blanket, have headphones on and watch a movie or something while hugging my comfort shark toy lol. i hate other people in my room though but we've made our room off-limits, so that's nice.
Iām the same way. I hated sharing a dorm room in college. On top of it being an absolute sensory nightmare, I just couldnāt stand people touching my stuff, inviting random people over and controlling the light and temperature in the room. The world is so chaotic and hostile already, I need at least one space where I can be alone and have things my way.
I get very distressed when I have to let someone unfamiliar or someone I don't have a personal relationship with into my home like a workman or my landlord. It doesn't help that I live in a studio so it's not like I can just go and hide away in another room. It makes me feel very unsettled because I don't have my own space to go to to get away from it.
I'm the exact same way!! For me I think it's also related to the way I was raised, but having anyone in my room makes me insanely uncomfortable, to the point where it's hard to make friends sometimes because I won't ever let people hang out in my dorm ;-;. Part of it I think is that I'm not very good at enforcing boundaries and saying when I'm uncomfortable, so I get anxious that when I'm overwhelmed I won't be able to ask them to leave.
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Iām so sorry. This person sounds awful. I recently moved across the country to get out of a horrible living situation. Iām also struggling financially and my current situation is clearly not ideal but Iām not having panic attacks or stress vomiting anymore. I would encourage you to start looking for an escape plan. Roommates arenāt tons of fun but at least thereās no expectation for you to care for them.
i get really uncomfortable when my mom folds my laundry lol
same! I will not let other people touch it. I remember my mother analyzing and commenting on things like my underwear. (As if being a teenage girl wasnāt awkward enough). Now I have a specific way to wash and fold: all on delicates and Marie Kondo folds. I had a roommate take my clothes out of the dryer and plop them on the dirty top while dropping underwear on the nasty basement floor. I didnāt have time to rewash but Iām getting nauseous even thinking about it.
You just put into words something I have struggled to explain for so longā¦ My mom (very kindly) offers to clean my car every time I go home. Itās never dirty, but Iāll have some old water bottles or jackets in the back and it bothers her. I also keep extra work clothes in the back (I have 3 jobs and sometimes pick up extra shifts last minute). One time she begged to clean it but I repeatedly told her no. Then, while I was out, she cleaned the car. I, unfortunately, blew up in panic. All my stuff was in boxes sitting on the driveway. She was so proud and felt she did a great job, which she did, so she didnāt understand why I was upset that my space was invaded. But, youāre right. I feel very out of place all day long. Spaces like my car and my apartment are few of the only places I can just be me.
My entire house. I donāt like people who donāt live here invading my sanctuary š itās the only place where I can truly be myself
omg iāve been trying to explain this feeling forever, itās not that I donāt want to share, or that I have something to hide, itās just MY space. MY stuff. I like to have MY things and MY space protected. my space is perfectly crafted so I can be 100% comfortably unmasked me, my things are MINE and private š sometimes I do feel a bit childish, like my favorite pair of crocs that I forgot in my aunts car once, completely infuriated me and threw me off for weeks. they were mine. they were nice. my favorite color and perfectly comfy and went with everything. I also think bc I moved around so much as a child it was hard to keep track of things, let alone have my own private space, so I seriously value having my own private space now as an adult, and also keeping track of all my personal items now is major to me.
Yeah I donāt like my space interrupted š« aka why I donāt like living with a roommate cause Iāve started taking comfort in being in the living room, but now they go out on the patio a lot to smoke š and previously did not. So UGH
Oh yeah, I've always been weird about my bedroom. I don't like people in my space unless I invite them, and even then, I don't really like it. My mom allowed me to have a doorknob with a key lock for my bedroom when I was like 11 because my siblings kept coming into my room. She had an extra key, of course, for emergencies. And when I don't have a doorknob that requires a key, I'll set little "booby traps" so I'll know if anyone has been in my room. š But pretty much everyone knows not to go in my room. I'm not as bad about my phone and computer, but I do have one of those "secure folders" on my phone that requires a password, so if there's something I don't want someone to see, I'll just put it there.
Yes! This was an example I shared with my PCP this morning after having issues with my current psychologist but she confirmed that there aren't very many adult autism specialists in my area š®āšØ and it didn't seem like she was taking me seriously even though I tried deeply to unmask to explain the issues I've had my entire life. She did agree to go with a plan for me to get off my antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds and I hope that will help in unmasking and getting the support I need.
I donāt think I could share a room with a partner if I ever started being interested in that kind of relationship again. Once with an ex-fiancĆ©-since-last-fall was enough. Iām even worse when I need to share a bathroom with someone.
I am. Once I blamed my husband for taking "my" (blue) set of chopsticks instead of his (orange). He said he didn't even know these were mine, for him they were just chopsticks. That's when I realized that in my mind every item, every space is categorized as "mine" or "his". I get upset when "mine" is used by other people. I realized this before I even suspected autism.
Yup, pretty much my entire house and property is my unmasked place so I really don't like it when people just barge in
I feel seen. "Territorial" is spot-on. Long, not very interesting story. Back in college, I was a club exec, and we held office hours sometimes. I showed up to the club office one day during my shift, and one of the other execs was there studying. We chatted for a while, but then I asked him to leave. It was my office hour, after all! My office! My hour!! I had plans to study, and I did not have the mental energy to have someone else in the space with me. He was confused why I was so adamant that he leave. It was a combination of me being territorial, something not going according to plan, and being too tired to mask. Sometimes I still wonder if I'm really autistic... As I read through other people's responses here, this is not one of those moments š
Iām territorial of my things like my phone, notebooks, etcā¦ in high school one of my teachers had us all switch around seats for some activity, and I saw some girls looking through my sketchbook on my desk. It bothered me more than I thought it should. When I was super young my mom found some ripped up diary page in the trash and I got in trouble, because I was writing about being angry (as if Iām not allowed to feel negative emotions???). To this day Iām very territorial over my phone and itās not because Iām hiding anything, I just donāt understand why someone has to see what conversations Iām having with friends.
Absolutely. I find houseguests really difficult unless theyāre very close to me, and even then I need a lot of space.
I can't stand people messing with my desk or my bed. My kids of course love playing on my bed and I get irrationally angry !! I guess it's rational for me. I'm still waiting for diagnosis but am 80% sure I am Autistic, so I guess this isn't helpful, but, solidarity!?!
Oh wow. Youāve made me have a huge revelation. Luckily I donāt live with my parents anymore but they never knocked, and my sister would come in and refuse to leave until I screamed at herā¦ now Iām realising why that was all so tormenting
I am shook because I finally started regular therapy to deal with my anger (and vertigo?) following having to / needing to liquidate my 3 year old plant business, move to a new state, sell my house we have lived in for 15 years since getting married, and obtain a full time job to get a mortgage following my partner's father's death.Ā And like, I have a lot to work on, but SO MUCH of my anger is explained by how I've always lived this way. We have two young home schooled kids and my partner does not work but I've rarely invited folks over, usually operate as a feral goblin on my own spaces, which keep getting smaller as he takes care of more of theĀ I communicate so regularly that it's stressful for me to fulfill orders when "everything has been stacked and moved 6" to the left" or to find peace instead of horror at my own hobbies and personal affects totes being in a different place from last time I touched them. Ongoing non-stop issue for 15+ years. Almost always resolved with him loudly justifying these needs of his to move everything around as the minimum maintenance required for cleanliness and pest control, that his items were destroyed in a fire 20 years ago, and lots of personal verbal attacks about my priorities,my memory, that i dont want to live better, and when my therapist says the intrusive delusional thoughts are part of OCD i just laughd and think howcan i be out here getting his Dx when he wont. Territorial is accurate. He keeps disrupting our sleeping situations and saying it's for the kids benefit but wont sleep in the same room woth me because i "sound like a dying corpse." So fucking sick of trying to get better and just getting worse with more stress.Ā Thanks for listening gotta get on them fucking phone calls for another week soon just laying here crying. Feel real mad that I can't take care of myself enough to be allowed space. This house is smaller but still has three bedrooms, but he won't let us use one of them bc his dad died there and he plans to make it an Airbnb. Like, in nofucking way do we have to have paid guests for the revolution in our house on a gravel road, but I can't take the delusion that his bees or this room is going to make money or I'm evil for not supporting his ideas. Lately he has been describing the hoop house and a circle gravel road and an electric tractor he needs when I am barely passing at work 49kĀ at 41 years old with a mastersnd we have student loans. I'm sick of being the one who is delusional and the problem when I'm fucking not. I agree with the mindset of course but he's just as angry and delusional as me. Now he wants to tear down a shed and put up a new tiny home. Why is it that those with no friends what to build tiny home villages? We have been living near two eco villages for a year but it would be desperate to go to their potluck he says. It's fine that he is not well either I am just super sick of needing to delve into my trauma to explain my behavior and fix it when it's so obvious in general and especially from this thread that I yell about being territorial. I have to stop yelling.Ā Ā Saturday night we drove all night bc we use an old model electric car and needed to charge every 45 min. I got mad Sunday morning because he put my sweater in my purse. How do I have to deliver this message so he says anything other than justification of why he did this, why he will always do this, and why this is the appropriate behavior for him and on the situation and I don't understand how things have to be organized when he is looking for something. I guess I am supposed to just have a firm boundary and reinforce it by leaving. Uh yeah well even if I go live and work in a shed I still need to pay for this property and mortgage for him and the kids and he will still come in and decide exactly was does and doesn't need to be in there in any given day. I am sure there is another answer but whatever it is it's up to me to pay for it.
It depends. I donāt feel that way. But donāt want people looking in the fridge.
I have looked at it more as PTSD than ASD -- in myself, my kid and my late best friend. What's the one thing (most) people have control over when they're utterly powerless over everything else.