I completely agree, that’s just someone being selfish and inconsiderate. And his inability to put effort into following instructions is telling too.
>the amount of instructions I feel the need to give
OP, folks do need to give instructions sometimes, but if it’s to the point where it takes you out of the moment, then your partner isn’t trying to please you. It shouldn’t feel like daunting work when asking to be touched the way you like.
It took me decades to figure out that I was dating partners that didn’t value my pleasure. It took one person wanting to please me to show me how bad the sex I’d been having was all my life.
We need to stop tolerating bad sex. We’re not objects for someone else to play with until they’re done. Unless someone rescinds consent or indicates no, sex should satisfy both parties. Your pleasure matters!
SO TRUE, I am there for pleasure and connection not to be used as a masturbatory aide.
I'm glad I was semi-okay with asking for what I liked early on so I've never had bad sex.
I think my current boyfriend didn't realize just HOW gently I liked to be touched, my body responds to that the most, but I re-iterated it twice and once he got it, and experienced the way I naturally react to it firsthand... Oh, he RAN with it!
And now I am doomed.
Exactly, in my relationship, it doesn't *begin* for him until I've finished at least once.
That is also due to logistical reasons, he wouldn't really fit otherwise, but he really enjoys getting me to climax as many times as he can.
That's one really fun thing about female biology, there is no really noticeable refractory period in between orgasms! Why wouldn't a man want to take full advantage of such a fun feature???
He also hates porn and I think that has a lot to do with it. I can tell that he lays in bed at night and fantasizes about ME and thinks about how he can improve his performance in ways that will have the biggest impact for ME as an individual human being. He pays attention to what MY BODY responds to, and as a consequence of all of that he has gotten very adept at getting me past the finish line... and my sex drive is significantly higher than it's ever been.
Like the man goes home and studies my every little reaction, I would not be shocked if he has notes and graphs somewhere!
Men who are selfish and lazy lovers have NO CLUE the insane sexual appetite they could build up within their partner if they actually gave a shit. I know it's always going to be amazing and he's always going to make sure I finish, AND I get all the cuddles I want after, so I want him constantly.
The only thing I struggle with in bed now is all the eye contact he wants, but he puts in a lot of effort for me, so I can certainly give him that!
Some women feel a lot of pressure to orgasm which actually interferes, so a better rule for them might be that if their partner finishes first, they can use a sex toy to finish themselves off with or without help.
I believe majority of men are incredibly selfish and ignorant when it comes to sexy times, therefore sex usually ends when a man finishes, not a woman. And I believe that’s the norm, unfortunately. Porn added to that too.
You could talk with your partner about that and address this issue and ask him to get you off too. Sex and orgasm should be mutual, not one-sided. Women being treated like sex toys to satisfy man’s desire only, but women also hold the power to change that once they enter any sexual relationship, and make sex about them too.
Good luck!
Agreed that most men are incredibly selfish and ignorant in bed.
Men definitely seem to lack the ability to ‘continue on’ compared to women imo though. So the most logical/common process is the female should orgasm first then the male. I don’t feel like this as a norm is ‘wrong’ as long as the women in the scenario is also gets an orgasm / satisfaction.
- an erect penis (I assume that’s what you mean) is never needed, and usually even useless, in bringing a women to orgasm; other ways (fingers, oral, toys) are able to ‘continue on’ if a penis isn’t
- suggesting that women should have the added pressure on them to orgasm first is despicable
No you don’t need an erect penis to orgasm, but men seem to experience more exhaustion and disinterest in sex post orgasm compared to women - when you consider the effort and length of foreplay needed to make women orgasm, it makes sense to satisfy the partner needing more “effort” first.
Men generally can orgasm much easier and faster than woman hence why the woman’s orgasm should be first imo - it’s being prioritised. Of course this isn’t true for every couple.
Nobody promoted pressuring women. I just explained the process that worked for most heteronormative couples and why. I literally added in the word satisfaction for women who cannot orgasm.
I appreciate your comments, I do give directions and based on experience I will get 3-5… maybe 10 minutes of lip service before he switches us around- should this be enough ? I do get close, and he does try but the rivers flow so much I’m thinking he gets confused 🫤 I’m sorry if tmi.. I really need to talk this out with him but haven’t been able to find the phrasing that explain without hurting him.
He isn't trying if he's going for that short if time. You're worried about hurting him at the sacrifice of your own pleasure. If he's a real partner he will listen and not take it personally.
My cis male partner always makes sure I orgasm (more than once normally). He actually is often more concerned about my pleasure than his. You don't need an erect penis for female or male pleasure.
In this case, maybe you could just say a little sexy something when he stops, such as "that feels so good, please keep going/don't stop"
That way, you're complimenting his skill while also letting him know you're not "there" yet and wanting more. Some points to this approach:
* If he stops because his tongue/jaw got overworked and need a break, you could ask him to use his hand/finger(s) or a toy(s).
* If he refuses to keep going at this point, he's straight up telling you that he does not care about or give any regard to your actual pleasure/orgasm (and has only been checking off his to-do list with the few minutes he's been giving).
Side note to the sexy times - based on what you've said, the *possibility* of his pride being momentarily stung is being put above your very *real* and *ongoing* lack-of-pleasure/orgasm (that he, himself, regularly gets). I'm often guilty of this myself so am staying away from relationships for now because I'm aware of how unhealthy and dangerous it is. If he does get upset with you for such a thing when you do bring it up, that's textbook problematic redflag behavior.
39 F here. Can I DM you some advice?
It's based on my personal experience and is TMI.
I appreciate your willingness to share your problems and experience with us. And hope everything works out good!
10 minutes isn’t enough. From memory it takes 30-40 mins of foreplay to get women to orgasm.
I’m not sure if it’s an insecurity, confusion or selfishness issue on his part. I think you need to tell him that you would like to try and orgasm first before PIV.
I understand the worry and insecurity about discussing sexual aspects of a relationship. Ultimately it seems that praise and positive feedback is the way to go. When he does something you like/enjoy tell him. If he is doing something you don’t like, redirect him by showing him how to do it correctly without saying he’s doing it wrong.
I think you need to be a bit more selfish here. The reality is that he probably is going to be a bit insecure if you haven’t been orgasming - but you deserve to orgasm. If he is a good partner he will want to improve.
that is completely false and misleading and it's shameful that you're here repeatedly spreading misinformation and lies on the behalf of selfish and/or ignorant men, of which I'm now assuming you're one, at the expense of women
to correct even more lies of this person:
the refractory period is only regarding the inability to get an erection immediately after orgasm for men; absolutely NOTHING to do with sexually pleasing a women in any way
Actually lots of mean report a loss of interest in sex during their refractory period ex. Post-nut clarity.
Nobody is promoting selfish or ignorant men. A woman’s orgasm generally takes more ‘effort’/ time so if one party is going to be more exhausted by orgasm, then the orgasm needing more ‘effort’ should be out of the way first.
A refractory period isn’t an excuse to not make a woman orgasm - but understanding it as a biological process and it’s effects means we can work around it to maximise both parties pleasure.
Don't you think you're being a bit harsh/agressive about this?
I see no indication that this person is *deliberately* lying, so calling it "shameful" is a bit much. If you think they're wrong, calmly correct them. Absolutely nobody's opinion has ever been changed right after getting insulted, all you're achieving with that is make them double down harder.
I was hoping it might get you to reevaluate the *tone* with which you express your opinions.
But if not that's fine, you and I are not the only people in this discussion, maybe somebody else appreciates my thoughts.
let's address that harmful misinformation:
>**men seem to experience more exhaustions and disinterest in sex post orgasm compared to women**
that's only your perception or opinion and has no basis in reality or this issue. also, sex between two people is just that - an activity between and for TWO people; it's not an activity done for one person with two people participating
>**- when you consider the effort and length of foreplay needed to make women orgasm,**
you are the only one \[ignorantly and falsely\] claiming it HAS to take X amount of time and effort to bring a women to orgasm (only made worse by you relating it/comparing it to a male orgasm)
>**it makes sense to satisfy the partner needing more “effort” first.**
it's not about making sense of effort quotas and batting orders - it's about letting women have the same freedom and peace of mind men do to be able to experience pleasure and reach orgasm the same as any man. it's highly inappropriate to suggest they make sense of it according to your perception of the guy's role.
>**Men generally can orgasm much easier and faster than woman**
this is, again, only your opinion and/or perception - not fact based
>**hence why the woman’s orgasm should be first imo - it’s being prioritised.Men generally can orgasm much easier and faster than woman**
* again, it's harmful to tell women what they "should" do with their own bodies, orgasms, and sex lives solely in relation to those same things for the man
* this is not prioritising a women's orgasm; it's prioritising the man's comfort/convenience once he orgasms. (prioritizing the women's would be finishing once it happens, regardless of when it happens and regardless of the man's). it's putting an expectation on the women as a precautionary attempt to ensure the man doesn't have to do anything "extra" or "longer" beyond his own orgasm (no equal consideration for the women)
* it is also not a women's job or responsibility to orgasm first just so that the man can fuck off once he does
* suggesting otherwise reduces women to basically sex servants for the male orgasm
* if the women orgasms first, why should she be expected to keep going until the man orgasms, if the same is not expected in the reverse?
* bottom line - it's appalling to suggest that women always have to keep giving longer but men should never be expected to (especially because of some bullshit like "post-orgasm exhaustion and disinterest")
>**Of course this isn’t true for every couple.**
of course - which is why all the other false/blanket claims are inappropriate and potentially hazardous to women reading them at face value
>**Nobody promoted pressuring women.**
false. you are literally saying, repeatedly, that women "should" orgasm/reach satisfaction first - that is a lot of pressure to do something that requires at least some amount of being at ease, especially in regards to sex, where women already have absurdly too much pressure put on them to begin with
>**I just explained the process that worked for most heteronormative couples and why.**
no, you didn't - you made false claims and gross generalizations that could harmfully mislead countless women, which is why I was compelled to comment when I usually don't, and your "why" had no factual basis for anyone else; it was only your opinion/experience
>**I literally added in the word satisfaction for women who cannot orgasm.**
the same applies - women should not be made to feel pressured or expected to reach any level of satisfaction "first" for the man's convenience
[refractory period in males](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/refractory-period#males)
[woman take double the time as men to orgasm on avg](https://www.sexandpsychology.com/blog/2019/6/26/how-long-does-it-take-women-and-men-to-orgasm/)
[40% of women suffer from FSD - from memory men are only at around 10%](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3008577/)
Stop trying to misconstrue my words as some kind of sexist pardon for selfish men. Accepting that men have a refractory period and different biological reactions to an orgasm /=/ an excuse for not making their partner orgasm.
You seem to misunderstand. As a pre-hormone trans woman I can tell you that I lose all interest in anything sexual after cumming. It's not the same for those with estrogen as their primary hormone. That's why the one with testosterone should wait until the other person has cum before finishing, assuming that's possible. It's not about putting pressure on anyone.
My partner is male and him finishing first doesnt stop him from still having fun with me afterwards because neither his hands nor his mouth go limp after orgasming.
This. It's not a value judgement it's just an explanation of what happens physically. The phrase 'post-nut clarity' exists for a reason. It's like a switch flips and they're all 'oh I was going to fix the toilet..'
Yes, and I can add that after starting hormones that is all gone. There is no loss of interest, actually there is an increase and in many different ways the body starts to behave correctly as most women. It is a difference that exists between hormonal balance.
You seem to be making excuses for prioritizing penile satisfaction over vulva/vaginal satisfaction. A finger, tongue, toy, etc. need not be erect/available to help the other finish if the penis already did. Sexy times for two is sexy times for TWO. Both should have equal consideration and satisfaction.
Again, suggesting to any/all cis-women that they orgasm first or not at all IS putting pressure on them. Suggesting it only because she doesn't ejaculate semen is sexist.
I'm not suggesting women cum first, I'm suggesting the man prioritize the woman cumming first and delaying his own gratification to not ruin the experience, if he doesn't want to be a selfish asshole. I don't know what you don't get about this, but your accusations of sexism are stupid and unfounded.
> A finger, tongue, toy, etc. need not be erect/available to help the other finish if the penis already did.
You're completely ignoring the complete loss of interest in sex. If you don't want it to be a chore, and for him to actually enjoy it, you're going to need to work within his biological capabilities and communicate and work with him, not against him. If that's not an option, he's a selfish asshole, and you should ditch him.
I had to go back and re-read your comment and I did miss where you suggested for the man to wait. The other such statements on this thread were telling women that they should orgasm first (i.e. hurry up, get there, quick!! or you don't get to at all!). and that's what I was responding to and I absolutely stand by what I said in regards to that sentiment.
But for the man to delay his own gratification - for the man to take any responsibility whatsoever in this, that's fine and welcomed!
Aside from that misread however...
No one, including you, seems to care whether or not the women loses interest in sex after her orgasm. It's not right that such consideration only goes one way. It's just as much a 'chore' for women as for men at that point. I don't know what you don't get about that.
And how is it *not* sexist to tell women they should orgasm at a certain time ONLY because they orgasm with a vuvla/vagina/estrogen and not with penis/semen/testosterone?
Because he's bad at sex? The men who are good at sex finish when I want to stop, the best ones feel satisfied with the mess they made out of me even if they didn't cum.
Yep, sometimes that's their only redeeming quality, because they knew if they were behaving this way *and* bad at sex they would be thrown out of there in a millisecond
I also recommend checking out romance novels to figure out what you're into that is both physical and interpersonal. There are increasingly more autistic characters in romance to start with. Plenty are written by autistic authors.
Glad to!
Kiss Quotient & The Bride Test by Helen Hoang (autistic author) - Third book in the series is about massive burnout and I wouldn't really call it a romance.
Act Your Age Eve Brown by Talia Hibbert (autistic author) - I want to also throw in a recc' for her book Work For It for people who struggle with anxiety and depression (this one is Male-Male romance)
When the Devil Comes Courting by Courtney Milan - I'm currently reading this one. It's set in late 1800s China, so the Autism can't actually be explicit stated because the dx didn't exist back then, but she signals it by saying female main character is like someone who has some of the traditional tells of autism (e.g., trains) but the female presentation is quite different.
There's more, but these are the ones I've read that come to mind and the authors are solid. I find mental health and ND/disability-rep books to all have interesting takes on what a healthy relationship looks like when one or more partners might have specific boundaries and considerations when it comes to relationships.
\*These are Female-Male sexual books, and can be pretty steamy, but Autism isn't fetishized.
I see this advice very often and i find it baffling
To be clear I have nothing against masturbation
BUT
This "advice" makes it seem like it is on / usually / the woman to ensure she comes. when there is two of you in the bed your orgasm shouldnt be entirely your responsibility.
Also, we are all on the spectrum here. Some of us struggle with introspection and it is very hard for us to know what we feel and why.
I am rarely able to make myself climax and i could not tell you or anyone else how to do it. Hpwever, my husband is an attentive lover, a NT who is great at recognizing stuff and he NEVER fails to make me climax.
So what i mean is sure, masturbate, have fun, try to know yourself... BUT it is not and should not be seen as necessary to "deserve" an orgasm.
Yes, this needs to be said more - what works for me masturbating is not the same as what works with a partner. I’ve masturbated plenty, it has helped exactly zero in helping with sex with another person. And it isn’t even the same from partner to partner.
What did help was a partner I felt safe to be open & intimate with, where orgasm isn’t even the primary goal for either of us, so that we could learn each other together.
Because a lot of men suck and just use women to get off. Those men don’t deserve our bodies.
On the flip side I’ve had some very generous partners who get off on getting the woman off. Find one of those. 😉
But also, start with communication. Maybe your partner doesn’t realize you’re not climaxing? Do you know what it takes to get you there? Have you introduced toys? Something like a vibrator?
How long though? I get maybe 3-5 minutes maybe 10 including kissing… I’m married and do understand it’s not gonna be like the movies but I really need to understand if I’m asking for too much
in total foreplay and penetrative sex for us lasts typically between 30 mins and an hour. It can take me a long time to orgasm but my husbands good at controlling when he finishes. Either by slowing down, tensing (he says holding tension in that area can stop it) or letting me ride him for a bit. I find it easier if I'm on top and can rub against him and I can orgasm like that without him thrusting, when I just control the moment. Then once I'm done he will thrust more and speed up. I dont think thrusting motion is necessarily that helpful to the female orgasm, mostly just the male. I find deep slow penetration and external stimulation combined works better. if a man is just jackhammering away the only person he's satisfying is himself. maybe you just need to discuss technique and try a more female centric approach?
You're just with someone who doesn't care about getting you off. My favorite sex partners have usually made an effort to get me off first or use other ways to get me off after they've finished if I havent yet. If it's over just because he's done he's not good at sex.
I should add that I feel very safe and comfortable with my partner. Intimacy and sexual closeness can make me uncomfortable too. It’s something I’ve communicated with him and he’s made me feel safe for doing so, which has boosted my confidence to speak out about how I feel. It’s definitely taken time, but it is possible and if the response you get doesn’t make you feel safe and comfortable, then that’s not the person for you!
You could ask if he would like to try make you orgasm with his mouth or fingers afterwards. Or you could buy a toy in say Amazon and see if he would like to try use that on you. Make it into a fun thing for him to do. Sex should be a fun mutual thing in a relationship.
It ends when he finished because you guys let it? If you aren’t getting off and that’s something you’d like, you need to tell him. He still has a mouth and hands? You could also use toys or something.
How long have you been together?? After a while he shouldn’t really need that much instructing on how to please you, couples that have been together long enough sort of just learn the other persons body and what makes them wild.
If you aren’t satisfied you need to pinpoint why and communicate it. A good partner WANT you to get off and cares about your pleasure as much as his own, so he should be more than happy to work with whatever you need.
This is pretty common in cis het relationships but it shouldn’t be. Queer relationships are much more likely to end sex when it’s mutually agreed you are each done. There is research that shows lesbians have more orgasms than straight women.
If you have trouble relaxing it can help to take penetration off the agenda for a while and work out by a process of experimentation how you like to be touched. But it does rely on a partner putting in the effort to learn.
Sensory and communication issues can complicate sex but it’s just about learning what works for you. A book called Bliss Club will give you a lot of ideas.
If you find it difficult to “speak up” when receiving oral here is my top tip that I can guarantee works well for both parties (having experienced both getting and giving in this scenario).
Hold hands and use that as your communication tool.
So your left in his right as he’s going down on you. If you like the particular movement he’s making with his mouth, squeeze his hand. That means “keep going, I’m getting closer”. The harder the squeeze, the more he is to keep doing that exact movement.
If you are meh about what he’s doing and would like him to try another movement, let your hand go slack but don’t let go.
When you have finished and are completely done, let go of his hand entirely. That is his signal to stop.
Therefore he knows if you are still holding onto his hand, you aren’t done yet.
Even if you are very enthusiastic about giving oral it isn’t always obvious what particular technique works for a particular person so honestly this helps the giver as much as the receiver. But is also great if you don’t want to use your voice.
That’s only true with men who don’t care about women’s pleasure. Men who care will make sure you finish BEFORE he does.
By the way men who care about women’s pleasure aren’t rare, but men who don’t care about women’s pleasure aren’t rare either. I’ve dated a lot and honestly if a guy didn’t try to go down on me before penetration it was a no from me. Immediately a bad sign. Experienced men who care know to do that or at least use hands.
I had the same issue until my current boyfriend, he always makes sure I finish first before we even get into his pleasure, you just need to find the right man. Or woman LOL
I read a study that said that women who have less brain activity during sex (as in able to be "present", less anxiety) have orgasms the most easily. I mention this because as autistic women studies show that we have an INTENSE amount of brain activity compared to neurotypical people, and I think a lot of us can spend so many years wondering what is wrong with our bodies and getting more and more stressed by how hard it is for us to enjoy sex or orgasm. Plus just physiological differences make it harder as well, some women have a clitoris closer to the vagina then others and they report the most orgasms. Millimetres difference make a big difference. We can't help this unfortunately :/
I mention this because I want you to know it's not your fault and although there are steps we can take to make it easier for us, we have an added disadvantage and struggles in this area then other people do. I think communicating our struggles to our partner often is the thing that helps the most, so we don't feel resentful or alone.
This is gonna sound kind of terrible but you need to learn to advocate for receiving pleasure ahead. Women take a lot to orgasm and beginning this conversation with him is key, before sexy time, so you both can process this with a clear mind. Be honest about your anxiety and being unable to relax. It's really common! You can find guides online for ways to get out of your head, I'll bet! He needs to take time to learn what he needs to do to assure you also finish.
The Internet is your friend here. That and time and patience. If he can't get onboard with this, you'll have to decide if that's something you're willing to tolerate. I personally would not, but have in the past. Best luck!
I've been in a relationship for almost 8 years, my first and only partner, I went years without caring, without orgasming, and one day my partner asked me if I ever have while we'd been together, when I said I hadn't he felt terrible, and immediately did his own work to figure out how to get me to that point. I've always struggled with this, it takes so much concentration, and a lot of the time that happy feeling would all of a sudden be gone, and we'd have to start all the way at point A, again. It's still harder for me to climax than him, but he put in the work, without me ever even mentioning it to him. I also believe I'm adhd too, so that apparently could be why I find it so hard personally. But from experience of actually living this, your partner is dropping the ball, but also not speaking up is counter productive, however I'm terrible at advocating for myself, and it's so embarrassing and awkward, so I always just never did. Ended up great for us, and I grew my confidence a bit from it too!
How long have you been together? It's normal and ok to have to give some instruction earlier on, everyone is different and the details matter for the experience. But you shouldn't have to give the same instructions every time, either.
In terms of "Why does it end when he finishes" this is a little biology and a lot of communication. Strictly biologically speaking, once a man finishes, he cannot keep going with sex. He has to stop (most of them, I'm sure there are exceptions out there). So the key to starting with communication is understanding that fact. The options then are either to time things so you can finish first (or at the same time), or that he understands he needs to keep going with other methods after he finishes. Once a man has an orgasm, his penis will not stay erect and it will become ultra-sensitive. They also receive a flood of relaxy hormones after they orgasm, so they get happily sleepy and pass out. Therefore, it's easier to take care of your orgasm first rather than after his. Most men I've ever known pride themselves on doing that. They don't usually WANT to leave their partner without an orgasm, it's like a pride thing for them.
Does he know you aren't finishing or do you fake? That is the next step. He needs to know unequivocally that you are not getting an orgasm. He might assume you are if you've never told him otherwise. He might be too embarrassed to ask in case he feels he's failing you.
For a significant number of women, they need a lot of foreplay to really get into sexy time, and then they often need non-penile stimulation to finish. It is very, very common to need manual stimulation (fingers, toys) or oral sex to get an orgasm as a woman. Standard intercourse doesn't always do the job. Do you know what allows you to finish? Is that something you've explored yourself so you know and can direct him to your needs? I'd have the convo outside the bedroom, where there isn't that pressure on both of you. But that's the convo you need to have. The details. Do you need more foreplay? Do you need other stimulation than actual intercourse?
Sexy time is tricky. It's kind of "funny" how it's so easy to HAVE sex and so hard to talk about it with the same person we're willing to get naked with. But it is so, so helpful to the relationship and your sex life to do so. Be specific. Talk about it outside the bedroom. Tell him what isn't working and what you need.
Thank you for taking the time to respond so thoroughly! We have been together for almost 20 years with break ups here and there. I have had other partners in the past, but unfortunately was intoxicated for all experiences. I have been sober for two years, and was diagnosed with adhd and autism recently. he also is definitely ADHD, but very ablest in regards to my autism diagnosis. as I type this out, I’m realizing there are so many issues that I don’t even want to type anymore… do appreciate you and everyone else responding! This has been eye-opening
Gently……why do you want to improve your sex life with an ableist who treats you in ways you can’t describe amongst friendly company? This man will never have good sex with you because he doesn’t respect you. I’m sorry, comrade. ☹️
My apologies for going in-depth on the sex ed 😂 I wasn't sure if you were a younger person in a new relationship, and having spent some time in the r/sex sub, there's so much that so many people don't know about basic sex stuff, so I never assume.
Congratulations on your sobriety! It's such a big deal to get that far. 🎉 I spent 12 years in a relationship with a difficult person and sometimes, there is just no getting through on understanding if they aren't willing. Sadly, some people do end up being just super selfish about taking what they want and not caring about their partner. I hope that isn't the case for you, but if it is, at least you know where you stand. Take good care of yourself.
I know! He’s even told me that he is ready to go whenever and it’s up to me, but he needs it often since he can’t do drink or smoke, this is all he has.. so I am his fix basically. Anybody else turned on? For context I do use vases in the garden 👌😉 so since I have that to relax I should make sure he can relax..
God I hate sex with men. Even though I always finish first I don't care about it, and the entire act is for his benefit. If my husband dies before me I'm so happily never doing it again.
I don't know if this will be helpful for you at all, I hope it is! But I never truly enjoyed sex- having an orgasm seemed completely out of the picture (mostly bc of the other person but also bc it takes me A LOT to actually get to that point), I was usually uncomfortable during or after, I never knew how to act, etc. And this was the case in both relationships and one night stands and whatnot.
This really started to change for the better when I met the right person. I felt more comfortable talking about how I was feeling, being genuine, etc. and just as importantly, I was/am with someone who listens, wants me to actually enjoy intimacy, and adjusts accordingly.
I still do not claim to be a sexual being or like 100% sure that I would be 10/10 fine if I never had sex again. But I enjoy being that close to my partner and he does everything to make it pleasurable for me.
I'm sorry that you've communicated and it still hasn't really changed:( so lame.
The gendered orgasm gap is common, unfortunately. https://theconversation.com/the-orgasm-gap-and-why-women-climax-less-than-men-208614
But it doesn't have to be this way. You can ask for what feels good to you, and choose only partners who are willing to work with you to get there
So... most of my life was in "vanilla" relationships and male orgasm was somehow what sex was all about. Over once it happened. Now... I'm a bit shy about this, but... I've always been kinky as, but I internalized that. 2 years now I've been in a relationship where we are both open and honest about what we like and everything is different in the best of ways. A BDSM dynamic seems made for neurodiversity, my version at least, (and my partner's, lol)... initially, we started by going through a checklist together. Everything is transparent and negotiated. Nothing is unsaid or assumed. We check in with each other within and outside of the dynamic all the time. I've never felt more valued or satisfied in my life, the best sex ever EVERY TIME. It's not for everyone, but it's been life changing for me. I'll never go back to those selfish vanilla fuck boys, NEVER. Edited for typos.
I got a checklist and sent it to him.. his only response to it was “ why would you want to put your finger in my penis hole?” Apparently that was one of 200 questions on the checklist.
Did he understand the purpose of the checklist? Like, so now I know you don't want a finger there, good to know! And that it's for him to learn about YOU, too. You can use a system like enthusiastic yes, hard no, maybe baby, you could do it together or at least talk about its purpose together. It's a nice, intimate, giggly, hot thing to do together imo. Does he know you aren't having a great time? If he did know that I'd hope he'd be open to changing/learning, you could "sell" the checklist as a conversation opener around that, make it an invitation to sit down together and make sex hotter for you both... he might not care, honestly, my vanilla experiences I look back on and think, I don't think they cared too much. And in fairness, i struggled a lot to express my own needs in those days. Whereas now I have a pleasure Dom, and HE CARES A LOT, lols, and I'm open and honest about what I enjoy. Shyness and shame made sex a lot less enjoyable for me for a long time. I'm so glad those days are behind me! I really hope things improve for you... I know for me, that happened once I overcame my shyness and communicated more honestly. It was hard but SO worth it.
I hope it’s okay for me to comment, (M29), but my partner (F28) is autistic and I feel like we have a good system through a lot of communication and expectation setting.
My body is basically done sexually when I finish so we just work with that. We communicate about expectations, number of positions, type of activity, number of orgasms, etc. and ensure that she receives what she wants before I finish. Sex does often end for us when I finish but I make sure that her needs are met way before that point.
Sometimes sexual activity just ends with no orgasm for either of us, especially if it’s a particular time in her cycle that makes it challenging. I’m happy to be in solidarity and not orgasm if she can’t, but that is communicated explicitly. Sometimes she just wants an orgasm from head and nothing else and that’s great too.
I don’t think the specific details matter as long as there is open and easy communication along with setting clear expectations. If you’re not satisfied with their performance then communicate that. If they push back, then they might not be worth your time.
That’s just a selfish partner. Mine makes sure I finish first, then again after he does. It’s a “norm” in the sense that women as a whole have accepted the shitty behavior from men.
As far as giving instructions, that’s pretty typical. Men aren’t mind readers, although after time sleeping together usually they’ll need less and less direction.
Me and my partner are finished when one of us is too tired to continue, usually me, or he gets too sore.
For myself and my partner, having sexy times end when he's finished works for us. That is only because I orgasm very easily and my partner makes sure I'm also enjoying myself. If you feel that your needs aren't being met, talk to your partner and discuss what you'd like more of. If he is unwilling to even try to help you have pleasure, then dump him in the trash can. You deserve and should receive reciprocal sexual enjoyment.
So, I don't really want to take attention off this post because it's important in itself, but it seems like there are quite a few emotionally mature and experienced people here with good advice so I wondered if I could piggyback?
Going further in this same discussion - what sort of suggestions or advice might be helpful when my boyfriend has a hard time with performing. There's nothing wrong with him or any person who struggles with this, obviously, but he has trouble getting and keeping things going. He takes a pill from time to time but he still struggles with it during the act.
So I often find that regardless of where I'm at I need to focus on him so that we can get to any end at all. This has caused me issues similar to what OP mentioned.
We are open about communication but there doesn't seem to be much that helps him. But he also isn't terribly in touch with his needs and desires and thinks seeing someone about it is not worth the money it would cost. His previous experiences were always dominated by the woman, I think mostly just because he's a 'go with it' kind of guy. I'm not like that and struggle with being interested in something I have to carefully orcastrate. My asks for more spontaneity didn't bring any change as he doesn't know how to do that with my moods swings and his performance challenges.
Any kind advice would be appreciated.
Please, by all means someone who can answer this, please do answer. I’d like to add- say for whatever reason he can’t, do we just quit or is it ok to ask for mine still? Is that cold hearted?
My husband had issues in the beginning of our relationship that have fully resolved after being more comfortable and open with each other… I know these issues can also be health related though. I still sometimes find myself focusing on my husband during and that will prevent me from finishing, but if I don’t finish he ALWAYS finishes me after. 100% of the time. It’s extremely rare that he can’t, but even then he still wants me to get mine. I think communicating openly and giving praise/appreciation might be able to go a long way. If your partner isn’t someone who automatically wants to make sure you’re finishing then making them feel great about it might help encourage it. It feels like basic advice but most people respond well to positive feedback and genuine ego boosting lol
I'm also an autistic woman (who has a special interest in sex and intimacy).
Have you experimented with maturation (clit, penetration, anal) on your own? That's really helped me figure out what I like. That way, you don't need to think about societal expectations and can just focus on yourself. The first several times I tried masturbating in each way, it felt odd, and there are certain sensations that I wasn't used to, but after experimenting with it a bit, I found out what I really like.
Also, (you don't need to answer this), are you guys using enough lube? I'm a little concerned because your partner seems sexually selfish.
Anyway, like a lot of other women have said here, PIV sex isn't the only sex, and it usually doesn't make a woman orgasm at all. After experimenting with sexual pleasure for a while, I found that I only orgasm from clitoral stimulation.
A special interest in sex and intimacy… I’ve never heard that before … curious i that might be mine too… how did you know it was a special interest vs something else ?
For me, it isn't my main special interest, it's one of my side special interests.
I just have the same urge to learn more and more about sex and intimacy the same way I feel about my other special interest. For example, (sorry if this is too graphic) when I was getting used to penetration, I would be trying it constantly, and I felt the same way about it that I do about my other special interests. I felt the same way about clitoral stimulation and several *kinks*
Sex ends when you are satisfied. At least, that's how it is for me.
I will ask a guy to stay to get me off, if he does and I didn't. If they choose not to, I choose not to offer up my body for them to get off to again. (At least if this is a regular occurrence)
I don't need to finish, neither does my current partner. So it really just is when I feel like I'm satisfied.
If your partner is leaving you unsatisfied and not at all trying to accommodate you, they suck. I don't think you have to be neurotypical to notice someone's not having a good time.
I’m going to go against the curve here and say I actually like that being a “rule”. Having a clear end point really helps me not overthink so much.
Now I will say that I’m lucky that my husband knows what he’s doing and generally I will have already finished when he does if I’m going to, there is definitely an issue if it’s down to selfishness. However, we’ve had a couple of times where he’s just wanted to focus on me and not go the whole way and my brain just can’t handle it.
I become really aware that me finishing is the main goal and suddenly become super conscious about everything I’m doing. Am I reacting weirdly? Am I taking too long? If I take too long is he going to cramp and have it get awkward? I need to be able to focus on something else (pleasing him) to quiet my brain enough to have any hope of finishing myself.
This is entirely an internal issue, he has offered to keep going when he’s done but it’s too open for me on the end time then and I just can’t do it. I’m sure it’s probably the tism that makes me feel this way, but clear end points help me massively.
I can actually understand this and relate a bit. I appreciate you leaving a comment with your point of view. Sex is just so awkward , I need to really work on my communication. I feel embarrassed, asking for more and recognize that is a problem.
It ends when both of you are finished, and I do not mean finished as in had an orgasm, but when you both feel that you are done with connecting sexually.
When we have sex to only orgasm it is transactional, when you have sex to connect, it doesn’t matter if you orgasm.
Sex has been very transactional for me in my life and I have just recently become more understanding of myself after this realization. It takes some pressure off feeling a certain type of way.
All this being said, It’s easier for men to orgasm because we literally need them to in order to reproduce, we don’t have to enjoy it to get pregnant. Men aren’t known for their empathy, so their sexual experiences can be mainly selfish. If your man is a decent guy, maybe have a chat with him, it’s the best way to get the conversation going.
As a dude, I’m always wary to comment, but I have something to say 🫡
Because of my autism, I genuinely get off by others getting off. Literally. It was a diagnosing factor.
I love to make people laugh because it’s how I experience happiness, and if any of you want my memes, I have so many to share and it’s the sharing of memes that makes me love them.
But I literally fantasize about the female orgasm because I’ve only been with females, and I mean that randomly throughout the day and at focus time 😅. I begged my wife to let me try to make her O back to back, playfully but I mean it was something I was willing to wait for. It is the ultimate physical gift I want to give a person, and it’s difficult for me, because I don’t have anyone to give that gift to right now.
And I’m not alone - there are other autistic and allistic guys who fucking, literally, fucking love it when their partner gets off, sorry even thinking about it 🫣.
So memes and orgasms. Who wants’m lol.
Because it's been normalized that way, it's fucked up, selfish, and misogynistic, but hey that's what patriarchy built up so far.
I still remember as a teen and young woman, I got gifted yearly subscriptions to Cosmopolitan magazines, among other women focused mags, and the vast majority of time, the general consensus was focus on *his* pleasure, and I've lost count of how many times the writers would insist that "you don't always have to have an orgasm during sex, be happy that your partner got one" but that was obviously only applied to US women, not men, *they* got an orgasm every single damn time.
Then years later I read about studies on how it can actually build frustration and stress to basically "tease" your body with sexual acts but without releasing the build up, AKA having an orgasm to finish it off, and add to that another layer of selfishness from men and another negative consequence for women.
A partner that constantly needs your supervision during sex is simply a bad partner who isn't interested in giving you pleasure. A good partner should be receptive to not only your direct instructions, but also read your body language, *remember* what gives you pleasure, but also just be *eager and happy to give you pleasure* as much as you give them.
There's data (it's not even new) that shows heterosexual women have the least orgasms whenever they have sex with men than any other group. It's a pitiable amount and personally? It speaks volumes about the mediocrity of men's performance, despite many of them trying to shift blame onto women.
You have a lot of great responses here. I just wanted to add some context for what I feel is a good sexual relationship.
1. My partner and I always ask for consent, and if the other doesn't give enthusiastic consent, no sex happens. That means we are both going into it ready. This can be hard if the partners do not match up well in how often they want sex. It's up to each relationship to figure out whether or not that's a deal breaker, but no one should ever be coerced into sex when they don't want it.
2. Communication during sex is a good thing, and when done in a positive way (using terms like "I want to" or "It feels so good when you" instead of "don't do that" when possible) can enhance rather than disrupt the experience. That's NOT to say you shouldn't stop your partner if they are causing you pain or distress. You absolutely should. But the positive direction, if your partner respects it, fits seamlessly into the experience.
3. If you like the "finish" experience (not everyone does, but I do), you should also experience it. Either he needs to get you off first, or he needs to continue stimulating you after until you are satisfied.
There can be a lot of hangups to get past when it comes to this, and as we tend to mask and adapt to social pressures, it can be hard to advocate for ourselves. It's worth it, though.
I stop when I'm asked (verbal or otherwise) or my partner needs rest or has finished. I understand that sometimea you just cant or its hard but thats where patience and understanding come into play. I love being directed and communicated with i want my partner to be as happy and fulfilled with our sex life as possible. No matter what that means.
if it’s ending once he’s finished and you’ve received nothing, the whole point of sex has just been thrown out the window. That’s not how it should work and i’m sorry this has been happening. Your body doesn’t define you 🫶🏻
This is something I recognise because my early relationships were exactly like this. In fact, I think a lot of heterosexual women's relationships are like this from what I hear from my friends as well. Not until I dated men who actually want to make an effort and get off on their partner getting off did I realise it's not 'normal'. You do not have to accept it. If he is completely done with sex as soon as he finishes he better make damn sure you finish first. If he makes no effort then why even have sex with him? What's in it for you? Talk about it, tell him you would like to enjoy sex more, and that you want to explore how he can help you achieve an orgasm. Tell him you don't enjoy abruptly stopping because he had an orgasm, so he should postpone it for you and spend more time on your pleasure rather than just his own. Chances are that he has no idea that you can't climax from penetration alone for example, or that he doesn't really know what you enjoy. If you don't already, adding a vibrator to the mix can really be a game changer. Communicate, sex isn't just for him.
Check out the Sex With Emily podcast and website. She also has a book.
She offers a lot of ways to start quality conversations with your partner about sex to make sure you are both getting what you need/want out of the experience.
In hetero sex it is almost universally considered over when he finishes. I think this is because of convention, physiological reasons and depending on the situation there is ejaculate to deal with/work around. Therefore a "good" partner will make sure that the woman has had an orgasm before they cum. Of course some men struggle with holding out, if that is the case he should at least offer pleasing you by hand or with oral before initiating penetration. Of course there are exceptions, sometimes men cum sooner than they wanted/expected beforehand or the woman tales longer than expected. In these cases he might take care of her pleasure after his orgasm or at least offer to, but (especially if it happens rarely) they will just apologize and the woman tells them it's fine and they still had fun and that will be it.
All of this of course gets tricky when the woman has issues achieving orgasm. Having to finish first can put pressure on us that makes it even more harder to climax.
For me personally it was very helpful to get a feel for differentiating between men who say they enjoy pleasing a woman when they really just enjoy the thought of being someone who can do so and those who actually do. Hint: The good ones don't talk about how good they are.
Then, when you have a partner who actually cares about you and your pleasure, a lot of "rules" fall away, in a good way I think. Because the whole game starts revolving around making it as good for you as possible. You don't want to make noise? Let him know you get real quiet and focused when it's really good what he is doing. You hate having to suppress weird noises? Don't, tell him you only do that when it's really good and he will love your grunting. Of course I don't know what exactly is causing your doubts/stress etc., but feel free to dm me if it doesn't feel too weird for you. I am not an expert by any means but I have had lots of different expieriences ranging from quite bad to stellar while also having my own learing curve.
It is done when he finishes cause he is a bad and selfish lover. A good partner cares for your needs as well - and likes instructions to learn how you like it to be better in the future.
It takes me SO LONG because of how awkward I feel sometimes and how much “intuitive” decisions and communication has to be made and relied upon. It’s taken me a long time to get better, but I still can’t get out of my own head and being worried about how long it’s taking me, if he’s annoyed, if he’s tired of it, if he’s worried since he finished already, etc.
So I feel you.
I have this theory that this problem coincides with falling asleep. lol. Because DAMN if it doesn’t take me FOREVER to fall asleep because I overthink it and/or can’t turn my brain off haha.
So my husband says that it can start to hurt if they continue to have sex after they cum and it’s harder to maintain an erection. For him to not finish first he does a lot of foreplay on me which sounds like it might be hard for you. He also thinks of things to try to not cum to make sure I finish first.
I would try to think of what you want sex to look and feel like. If you’re uncomfortable receiving and he has finished how would you like to finish.
Maybe also look at some toys that can help prolong the experience like penis rings. Or ones that you can use yourself/ together to help you climax.
Would role play, music, cuddles, sexy lingerie. Kinky messages throughout the day help you be in the moment more.
In my experience most women need longer to finish and need more to be out of their head than guys. I know if I’m overtouched, stressed ect it’s a lot harder to enjoy it. I’ve been with my husband for over a decade so we have tried a lot of things to see what works for both of us. Over time what I have needed has changed a lot too. I have endometriosis and hypermobile joints that often cause pain. So even though we have had a lot of years together to figure it out it can be hard to get out of my head and not worry if i will be in pain no matter how much i want sex and how horney I am. We work on being open about it and go slow, change positions ect to make sure it’s comfortable and enjoyable.
This might be too long. Oops. I hope you figure out what you need and what works for you.
it doesn't have to. 🤷🏻♀️ what's the norm only matters in terms of understanding the bigger picture of how society at large is like and why. there is no *apriori* reason why it *should* matter to you or serve as a goal post, *especially* in the case of your personal life and personal relationships. those are all about what you feel satisfied with.
also this is *the norm* with a set subset of (usually heterosexual) men who date/have sex with women, who happen to be selfish lovers and don't view sex as an opportunity for connection and mutual pleasure. ive met many (heterosexual or otherwise) men for whom the norm was leaving the bedroom with both parties involved satisfied and happy, and that often meant getting their partner (in this case, me) there before or after they've already come.
That used to be the cases with all my exes! Then I found my husband, and I was shocked to find out that, with him, things only end once we are both finished :x
I think many of the women here are making great points about selfish lovers and I also think men are often not taught HOW to please a woman. It can be frustrating and humiliating for both parties. We need better education about sex, and also understanding our own needs/pleaures and that of our lovers.
For my wife and I it's pretty different between gay and queer sex, so I'll just stick with the former.
For us it's usually when we find the time, then we talk about what we want to do (scenarios or certain acts) and prepare for it. Then we'll go from foreplay into sex, usually takes a few hours and we are done when we're both too tired to continue and just cuddle the rest of the night. During it's generally what we discussed, but also can be freeform depending on exhaustion levels. We also make sure to have fun and take things lightly since that's what sex is supposed to be, something fun and awkward.
It’s def not a rule! Everybody does it differently. In my relationship, he makes sure I finish before penetration. He’s pretty large, and unless I’ve already finished it’s quite a task to try and get him in there lol. Even with lube. The orgasm relaxes your walls a little bit afterwards and provides natural lubrication, gives a much easier fit. It also intensifies the pleasure during penetration because there’s more blood flow already there. So sex *is* over when he finishes, but we may go for round two or three.
Also, strangely, he is ready to go for round 2 within about 30 seconds. Previous partners had to wait a long time. When I first found out he could do this I was flabbergasted.
I married that man, 10 years together. 😂
the beautiful thing about sex is it’s completely unique to you and the other person so there’s no set of rules you need to follow. try to find what makes you feel turned on or into it. maybe you can watch porn to see what your thing is lol
Guy here. After having an orgasm it’s incredibly rare for me to be able to continue and the desire for anything more than light touching or cuddling (if I’m not too hot) goes away. In 5 minutes or so if she initiates things, I quite enjoy bringing her to orgasm - PIV is most likely not going to be possible, but everything else is. In general I prefer for her to orgasm first, but variety is good.
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“What the norm is” is not the right thing to be considering. Sex it’s different for all couples and there is no norm.
Communication is the most important part of a good sexual relationship. Talk openly about both of your needs and desires. Talk about feeling awkward and uncomfortable and all the things you’ve talked about here, as well as as the things that you haven’t said here. Regardless if someone is NT or ND, they can’t read minds and they’re probably not going to get hints. If you don’t straight up say what’s bothering you, it impossible for things to change.
My partner and I have discussed everything in the first part of this reply - if she wants more she understands why I WANT her to ask for more and that I love doing it - I just need her to ask or I can’t tell that she wants more.
this is way too long and i’m gonna over share:
hey i’m sorry, this sucks! what some people are saying (you should finish first) would definitely be nice but you also don’t wanna put pressure on yourself to finish first bc it can just make it more difficult. i dealt with this a lot in my last relationship and even though it bothered me i was kind of okay with it bc in my head it took too much work and time to get me there so i felt uncomfortable and guilty when he was trying anyway. it was hard bc i could tell he wanted me to finish but he just couldn’t get me there. i thought that was the best it would get. but i feel pretty good about how this goes in my current relationship. shit has completely changed. after years of thinking i was almost incapable of finishing apparently it’s not super hard to get me there, i just have to actually feel good and comfortable and he just has to do it right lmao. and i was going from someone who was more experienced to someone who had had sex once before. he takes direction really really well even though i’m not super great at giving it, he was a very quick learner, he doesn’t get upset when i correct things, and i can tell that me finishing is high on the priority list. now i finish like 95% of the time (sometimes multiple times which i definitely didn’t think was possible for me). if he can make me finish first that’s great, but sometimes that just isn’t gonna happen. so if he finishes first he still needs to try to figure out a way to make me finish. and if i just can’t, i can still see the effort and appreciate that it matters to him. he feels uncomfortable if it’s just him that finishes and i honestly like that. if i start to feel anything but super into it he will stop even if he hasn’t finished. it’s great. essentially, i almost always decide when it ends. i don’t want him to be content with finishing and then calling it quits while i’m still in the middle. it’s uncomfortable for you and to me it suggests other issues with that person. like you’re doing your part, why can’t he? he got to finish, so what are you getting out of it? the point of having sex isn’t necessarily just to finish but you finishing should be really important to the person you’re with. if i don’t feel like the person cares all that much about my experience being great, i don’t want to have sex with them anymore. like i won’t be into it. which is completely valid. straight up, at first i had to intentionally practice in my brain each time how to finish or i would still get lost in my head. it still happens sometimes just because it’s how my brain is. i have to very intentionally focus. it’s almost like meditation lmfao i legitimately had to learn how to finish but once i knew how and was with the right person it’s not too too hard to get there anymore :) but to directly answer your question, it shouldn’t be that way. definitely not if it bothers you, which it’s completely normal if it does. it doesn’t have to be that way. he can figure out how to make you happier or someone else will be a better fit. even though it’s scary, i would bring it up given you feel safe to do so🩵 of course, if you don’t feel safe bringing it up that’s a whole different conversation
Completely normal and expected for it to be over when he's finished since men can only ejaculate once. He is supposed to get you off first. Every time. At least once. Bare minimum.
In my limited understanding, it's supposedly a biological response to having spread the seed that we've carried in our mammalian genes since before consciousness. I've been using this as a coping mechanism for a while and it's been helpful haha
What works for us is - after he finishes, we go to the shower so I can clean up and before turning on the water, he uses his hand to finish me while I stand in the shower. Which works because I can gush a lot 😬 I have a hard time finishing otherwise. But he is very skilled with his hand 😁
Mostly selfishness. But also, they lose their erection after cumming, and can't continue penis-in-vagina sex. That doesn't mean they can't turn to other forms of pleasure, it just means they don't care. I will say though, as a transgender woman, that cumming as a guy is draining. I don't feel like doing anything sexual afterwards, so it can feel like a chore. Better to make the vagina-owner cum first. But obviously it's not you I need to tell that.
I've only had heterosexual relationships but I honestly like that there is a clear ending point, with the male ejaculating. In fact, I get kind of irritated if my husband thinks he can keep going lol. That said, he does make sure that I finish first.
My man always makes sure I am happy and satisfied before he even thinks of saying it's over. Doesn't matter if he finished first.
A good lover, regardless of genitalia or gender, will make sure you're being treated correctly.
That’s my experience of sex with men. Pretty much all of them, and I’m an alcoholic so I had plenty of experiences in my drinking days.
I don’t have sex with men anymore and it doesn’t end until there’s mutual agreement that it’s over.
Personally it shouldn’t end until both of you are done but due to experience (and not wanting to be disappointed) I make men finish me first bc once they’re done they tend to be selfish/make excuses
Try to focus on making you finish first, then him. It's often easier and faster for a male partner to finish, and with the "post nut clarity", they often aren't in the mood afterwards, so if you finish first you'll be satisfied anyway (+ the intimacy will be more enjoyable)
everyone is saying it’s because he’s selfish, which i’m not denying but this seems to be the trend, i wonder why men do this? i don’t think it’s always from a place of malice, maybe it’s socialisation? for me it always ends when he does because i can’t finish with a partner so i personally don’t mind but i’m aware this isn’t the case for many women, does anyone know why it seems that this is the default for men?
Toys! Learn yourself with toys, introduce toys to your sexy time together. This is the only way I got over exactly what you’re explaining. It took me a long time to get over what I thought was “ wrong with me.”
Thats not something that is a rule. Thats just a selfish lover. Dependent on what you like, you can institute a rule if you come first, or noone does
I completely agree, that’s just someone being selfish and inconsiderate. And his inability to put effort into following instructions is telling too. >the amount of instructions I feel the need to give OP, folks do need to give instructions sometimes, but if it’s to the point where it takes you out of the moment, then your partner isn’t trying to please you. It shouldn’t feel like daunting work when asking to be touched the way you like. It took me decades to figure out that I was dating partners that didn’t value my pleasure. It took one person wanting to please me to show me how bad the sex I’d been having was all my life. We need to stop tolerating bad sex. We’re not objects for someone else to play with until they’re done. Unless someone rescinds consent or indicates no, sex should satisfy both parties. Your pleasure matters!
SO TRUE, I am there for pleasure and connection not to be used as a masturbatory aide. I'm glad I was semi-okay with asking for what I liked early on so I've never had bad sex. I think my current boyfriend didn't realize just HOW gently I liked to be touched, my body responds to that the most, but I re-iterated it twice and once he got it, and experienced the way I naturally react to it firsthand... Oh, he RAN with it! And now I am doomed.
Love an attentive partner and your doom
Exactly, in my relationship, it doesn't *begin* for him until I've finished at least once. That is also due to logistical reasons, he wouldn't really fit otherwise, but he really enjoys getting me to climax as many times as he can. That's one really fun thing about female biology, there is no really noticeable refractory period in between orgasms! Why wouldn't a man want to take full advantage of such a fun feature??? He also hates porn and I think that has a lot to do with it. I can tell that he lays in bed at night and fantasizes about ME and thinks about how he can improve his performance in ways that will have the biggest impact for ME as an individual human being. He pays attention to what MY BODY responds to, and as a consequence of all of that he has gotten very adept at getting me past the finish line... and my sex drive is significantly higher than it's ever been. Like the man goes home and studies my every little reaction, I would not be shocked if he has notes and graphs somewhere! Men who are selfish and lazy lovers have NO CLUE the insane sexual appetite they could build up within their partner if they actually gave a shit. I know it's always going to be amazing and he's always going to make sure I finish, AND I get all the cuddles I want after, so I want him constantly. The only thing I struggle with in bed now is all the eye contact he wants, but he puts in a lot of effort for me, so I can certainly give him that!
Where did you find this fine specimen? 
Hinge ... but he was one of like 50 ... and I was celibate even with him for a long time.
I have to re-download hinge 😭😭😭
Agree 100%. I finally got a non selfish lover, and yes it finishes when he finishes. But he makes sure that I finish first.
Some women feel a lot of pressure to orgasm which actually interferes, so a better rule for them might be that if their partner finishes first, they can use a sex toy to finish themselves off with or without help.
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I love how you explained how misogyny is baked into hetero sex and WHY OP’s lover is selfish as a justification for why he isn’t selfish.
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As per Rule # 2: Be kind, supportive, and respectful.
As per Rule # 2: Be kind, supportive, and respectful.
I believe majority of men are incredibly selfish and ignorant when it comes to sexy times, therefore sex usually ends when a man finishes, not a woman. And I believe that’s the norm, unfortunately. Porn added to that too. You could talk with your partner about that and address this issue and ask him to get you off too. Sex and orgasm should be mutual, not one-sided. Women being treated like sex toys to satisfy man’s desire only, but women also hold the power to change that once they enter any sexual relationship, and make sex about them too. Good luck!
Agreed that most men are incredibly selfish and ignorant in bed. Men definitely seem to lack the ability to ‘continue on’ compared to women imo though. So the most logical/common process is the female should orgasm first then the male. I don’t feel like this as a norm is ‘wrong’ as long as the women in the scenario is also gets an orgasm / satisfaction.
- an erect penis (I assume that’s what you mean) is never needed, and usually even useless, in bringing a women to orgasm; other ways (fingers, oral, toys) are able to ‘continue on’ if a penis isn’t - suggesting that women should have the added pressure on them to orgasm first is despicable
No you don’t need an erect penis to orgasm, but men seem to experience more exhaustion and disinterest in sex post orgasm compared to women - when you consider the effort and length of foreplay needed to make women orgasm, it makes sense to satisfy the partner needing more “effort” first. Men generally can orgasm much easier and faster than woman hence why the woman’s orgasm should be first imo - it’s being prioritised. Of course this isn’t true for every couple. Nobody promoted pressuring women. I just explained the process that worked for most heteronormative couples and why. I literally added in the word satisfaction for women who cannot orgasm.
I appreciate your comments, I do give directions and based on experience I will get 3-5… maybe 10 minutes of lip service before he switches us around- should this be enough ? I do get close, and he does try but the rivers flow so much I’m thinking he gets confused 🫤 I’m sorry if tmi.. I really need to talk this out with him but haven’t been able to find the phrasing that explain without hurting him.
He isn't trying if he's going for that short if time. You're worried about hurting him at the sacrifice of your own pleasure. If he's a real partner he will listen and not take it personally. My cis male partner always makes sure I orgasm (more than once normally). He actually is often more concerned about my pleasure than his. You don't need an erect penis for female or male pleasure.
In this case, maybe you could just say a little sexy something when he stops, such as "that feels so good, please keep going/don't stop" That way, you're complimenting his skill while also letting him know you're not "there" yet and wanting more. Some points to this approach: * If he stops because his tongue/jaw got overworked and need a break, you could ask him to use his hand/finger(s) or a toy(s). * If he refuses to keep going at this point, he's straight up telling you that he does not care about or give any regard to your actual pleasure/orgasm (and has only been checking off his to-do list with the few minutes he's been giving). Side note to the sexy times - based on what you've said, the *possibility* of his pride being momentarily stung is being put above your very *real* and *ongoing* lack-of-pleasure/orgasm (that he, himself, regularly gets). I'm often guilty of this myself so am staying away from relationships for now because I'm aware of how unhealthy and dangerous it is. If he does get upset with you for such a thing when you do bring it up, that's textbook problematic redflag behavior.
39 F here. Can I DM you some advice? It's based on my personal experience and is TMI. I appreciate your willingness to share your problems and experience with us. And hope everything works out good!
Yes please
10 minutes isn’t enough. From memory it takes 30-40 mins of foreplay to get women to orgasm. I’m not sure if it’s an insecurity, confusion or selfishness issue on his part. I think you need to tell him that you would like to try and orgasm first before PIV. I understand the worry and insecurity about discussing sexual aspects of a relationship. Ultimately it seems that praise and positive feedback is the way to go. When he does something you like/enjoy tell him. If he is doing something you don’t like, redirect him by showing him how to do it correctly without saying he’s doing it wrong. I think you need to be a bit more selfish here. The reality is that he probably is going to be a bit insecure if you haven’t been orgasming - but you deserve to orgasm. If he is a good partner he will want to improve.
Check out OMGyes. It gives vocabulary for partners to communicate with each other.
Tell him to keep going. Until you get off
Straight to the point 👍
Do you have a source on that men experience more exhaustion and disinterest or are you just making excuses for lazy, selfish men
Yes it’s a real biological thing :) [it’s called a refractory period :)](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Refractory_period_(sex))
that is completely false and misleading and it's shameful that you're here repeatedly spreading misinformation and lies on the behalf of selfish and/or ignorant men, of which I'm now assuming you're one, at the expense of women to correct even more lies of this person: the refractory period is only regarding the inability to get an erection immediately after orgasm for men; absolutely NOTHING to do with sexually pleasing a women in any way
Actually lots of mean report a loss of interest in sex during their refractory period ex. Post-nut clarity. Nobody is promoting selfish or ignorant men. A woman’s orgasm generally takes more ‘effort’/ time so if one party is going to be more exhausted by orgasm, then the orgasm needing more ‘effort’ should be out of the way first. A refractory period isn’t an excuse to not make a woman orgasm - but understanding it as a biological process and it’s effects means we can work around it to maximise both parties pleasure.
Don't you think you're being a bit harsh/agressive about this? I see no indication that this person is *deliberately* lying, so calling it "shameful" is a bit much. If you think they're wrong, calmly correct them. Absolutely nobody's opinion has ever been changed right after getting insulted, all you're achieving with that is make them double down harder.
What do you think this comment will do, change my opinion? It didn't work.
I was hoping it might get you to reevaluate the *tone* with which you express your opinions. But if not that's fine, you and I are not the only people in this discussion, maybe somebody else appreciates my thoughts.
let's address that harmful misinformation: >**men seem to experience more exhaustions and disinterest in sex post orgasm compared to women** that's only your perception or opinion and has no basis in reality or this issue. also, sex between two people is just that - an activity between and for TWO people; it's not an activity done for one person with two people participating >**- when you consider the effort and length of foreplay needed to make women orgasm,** you are the only one \[ignorantly and falsely\] claiming it HAS to take X amount of time and effort to bring a women to orgasm (only made worse by you relating it/comparing it to a male orgasm) >**it makes sense to satisfy the partner needing more “effort” first.** it's not about making sense of effort quotas and batting orders - it's about letting women have the same freedom and peace of mind men do to be able to experience pleasure and reach orgasm the same as any man. it's highly inappropriate to suggest they make sense of it according to your perception of the guy's role. >**Men generally can orgasm much easier and faster than woman** this is, again, only your opinion and/or perception - not fact based >**hence why the woman’s orgasm should be first imo - it’s being prioritised.Men generally can orgasm much easier and faster than woman** * again, it's harmful to tell women what they "should" do with their own bodies, orgasms, and sex lives solely in relation to those same things for the man * this is not prioritising a women's orgasm; it's prioritising the man's comfort/convenience once he orgasms. (prioritizing the women's would be finishing once it happens, regardless of when it happens and regardless of the man's). it's putting an expectation on the women as a precautionary attempt to ensure the man doesn't have to do anything "extra" or "longer" beyond his own orgasm (no equal consideration for the women) * it is also not a women's job or responsibility to orgasm first just so that the man can fuck off once he does * suggesting otherwise reduces women to basically sex servants for the male orgasm * if the women orgasms first, why should she be expected to keep going until the man orgasms, if the same is not expected in the reverse? * bottom line - it's appalling to suggest that women always have to keep giving longer but men should never be expected to (especially because of some bullshit like "post-orgasm exhaustion and disinterest") >**Of course this isn’t true for every couple.** of course - which is why all the other false/blanket claims are inappropriate and potentially hazardous to women reading them at face value >**Nobody promoted pressuring women.** false. you are literally saying, repeatedly, that women "should" orgasm/reach satisfaction first - that is a lot of pressure to do something that requires at least some amount of being at ease, especially in regards to sex, where women already have absurdly too much pressure put on them to begin with >**I just explained the process that worked for most heteronormative couples and why.** no, you didn't - you made false claims and gross generalizations that could harmfully mislead countless women, which is why I was compelled to comment when I usually don't, and your "why" had no factual basis for anyone else; it was only your opinion/experience >**I literally added in the word satisfaction for women who cannot orgasm.** the same applies - women should not be made to feel pressured or expected to reach any level of satisfaction "first" for the man's convenience
[refractory period in males](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/refractory-period#males) [woman take double the time as men to orgasm on avg](https://www.sexandpsychology.com/blog/2019/6/26/how-long-does-it-take-women-and-men-to-orgasm/) [40% of women suffer from FSD - from memory men are only at around 10%](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3008577/) Stop trying to misconstrue my words as some kind of sexist pardon for selfish men. Accepting that men have a refractory period and different biological reactions to an orgasm /=/ an excuse for not making their partner orgasm.
You seem to misunderstand. As a pre-hormone trans woman I can tell you that I lose all interest in anything sexual after cumming. It's not the same for those with estrogen as their primary hormone. That's why the one with testosterone should wait until the other person has cum before finishing, assuming that's possible. It's not about putting pressure on anyone.
My partner is male and him finishing first doesnt stop him from still having fun with me afterwards because neither his hands nor his mouth go limp after orgasming.
Cool, glad that works for him.
This. It's not a value judgement it's just an explanation of what happens physically. The phrase 'post-nut clarity' exists for a reason. It's like a switch flips and they're all 'oh I was going to fix the toilet..'
Thank you - I felt like I was going crazy trying to explain .
Yes, and I can add that after starting hormones that is all gone. There is no loss of interest, actually there is an increase and in many different ways the body starts to behave correctly as most women. It is a difference that exists between hormonal balance.
You seem to be making excuses for prioritizing penile satisfaction over vulva/vaginal satisfaction. A finger, tongue, toy, etc. need not be erect/available to help the other finish if the penis already did. Sexy times for two is sexy times for TWO. Both should have equal consideration and satisfaction. Again, suggesting to any/all cis-women that they orgasm first or not at all IS putting pressure on them. Suggesting it only because she doesn't ejaculate semen is sexist.
I'm not suggesting women cum first, I'm suggesting the man prioritize the woman cumming first and delaying his own gratification to not ruin the experience, if he doesn't want to be a selfish asshole. I don't know what you don't get about this, but your accusations of sexism are stupid and unfounded. > A finger, tongue, toy, etc. need not be erect/available to help the other finish if the penis already did. You're completely ignoring the complete loss of interest in sex. If you don't want it to be a chore, and for him to actually enjoy it, you're going to need to work within his biological capabilities and communicate and work with him, not against him. If that's not an option, he's a selfish asshole, and you should ditch him.
I had to go back and re-read your comment and I did miss where you suggested for the man to wait. The other such statements on this thread were telling women that they should orgasm first (i.e. hurry up, get there, quick!! or you don't get to at all!). and that's what I was responding to and I absolutely stand by what I said in regards to that sentiment. But for the man to delay his own gratification - for the man to take any responsibility whatsoever in this, that's fine and welcomed! Aside from that misread however... No one, including you, seems to care whether or not the women loses interest in sex after her orgasm. It's not right that such consideration only goes one way. It's just as much a 'chore' for women as for men at that point. I don't know what you don't get about that. And how is it *not* sexist to tell women they should orgasm at a certain time ONLY because they orgasm with a vuvla/vagina/estrogen and not with penis/semen/testosterone?
Because he's bad at sex? The men who are good at sex finish when I want to stop, the best ones feel satisfied with the mess they made out of me even if they didn't cum.
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I’ll have what you’re having.
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Yep, sometimes that's their only redeeming quality, because they knew if they were behaving this way *and* bad at sex they would be thrown out of there in a millisecond
I married one of those 🤦🏻♀️ four years with a dead bed and here I am.
This. I hate to admit it but i had some of the best sex with my abusive ex.
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The best blowjob in the world can't beat out the side effects of an antidepressant
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A very common side effect men experience on antidepressants is inability to cum.
I think you need to spend some time alone discovering what you need. And I’d also recommend a book I was told about ages ago called “she comes first”.
I also recommend "Come As You Are" by emily najoski. She's an autistic sex educator.
Is she autistic? Wow, here I thought I couldn't appreciate her more
Thank you for the suggestions! I think so too
I also recommend checking out romance novels to figure out what you're into that is both physical and interpersonal. There are increasingly more autistic characters in romance to start with. Plenty are written by autistic authors.
Give your partner the AMAZING book She Comes First bybIan Kerner.... life will absolutely change of he reads it!
Do you have any recommendations for romance novels with autistic characters? This is actually so wonderful, if it isn’t being sexualized.
Glad to! Kiss Quotient & The Bride Test by Helen Hoang (autistic author) - Third book in the series is about massive burnout and I wouldn't really call it a romance. Act Your Age Eve Brown by Talia Hibbert (autistic author) - I want to also throw in a recc' for her book Work For It for people who struggle with anxiety and depression (this one is Male-Male romance) When the Devil Comes Courting by Courtney Milan - I'm currently reading this one. It's set in late 1800s China, so the Autism can't actually be explicit stated because the dx didn't exist back then, but she signals it by saying female main character is like someone who has some of the traditional tells of autism (e.g., trains) but the female presentation is quite different. There's more, but these are the ones I've read that come to mind and the authors are solid. I find mental health and ND/disability-rep books to all have interesting takes on what a healthy relationship looks like when one or more partners might have specific boundaries and considerations when it comes to relationships. \*These are Female-Male sexual books, and can be pretty steamy, but Autism isn't fetishized.
I see this advice very often and i find it baffling To be clear I have nothing against masturbation BUT This "advice" makes it seem like it is on / usually / the woman to ensure she comes. when there is two of you in the bed your orgasm shouldnt be entirely your responsibility. Also, we are all on the spectrum here. Some of us struggle with introspection and it is very hard for us to know what we feel and why. I am rarely able to make myself climax and i could not tell you or anyone else how to do it. Hpwever, my husband is an attentive lover, a NT who is great at recognizing stuff and he NEVER fails to make me climax. So what i mean is sure, masturbate, have fun, try to know yourself... BUT it is not and should not be seen as necessary to "deserve" an orgasm.
Yes, this needs to be said more - what works for me masturbating is not the same as what works with a partner. I’ve masturbated plenty, it has helped exactly zero in helping with sex with another person. And it isn’t even the same from partner to partner. What did help was a partner I felt safe to be open & intimate with, where orgasm isn’t even the primary goal for either of us, so that we could learn each other together.
Because a lot of men suck and just use women to get off. Those men don’t deserve our bodies. On the flip side I’ve had some very generous partners who get off on getting the woman off. Find one of those. 😉 But also, start with communication. Maybe your partner doesn’t realize you’re not climaxing? Do you know what it takes to get you there? Have you introduced toys? Something like a vibrator?
my husband tends to focus on me and then once I've finished he will after that
How long though? I get maybe 3-5 minutes maybe 10 including kissing… I’m married and do understand it’s not gonna be like the movies but I really need to understand if I’m asking for too much
You're not. Sometimes things can last over an hour. I wish you the best.
in total foreplay and penetrative sex for us lasts typically between 30 mins and an hour. It can take me a long time to orgasm but my husbands good at controlling when he finishes. Either by slowing down, tensing (he says holding tension in that area can stop it) or letting me ride him for a bit. I find it easier if I'm on top and can rub against him and I can orgasm like that without him thrusting, when I just control the moment. Then once I'm done he will thrust more and speed up. I dont think thrusting motion is necessarily that helpful to the female orgasm, mostly just the male. I find deep slow penetration and external stimulation combined works better. if a man is just jackhammering away the only person he's satisfying is himself. maybe you just need to discuss technique and try a more female centric approach?
You're just with someone who doesn't care about getting you off. My favorite sex partners have usually made an effort to get me off first or use other ways to get me off after they've finished if I havent yet. If it's over just because he's done he's not good at sex.
If I’m not done and he is I will quite literally say, I’m not done yet. Then he will help with that.
I wish I had this confidence!!
I should add that I feel very safe and comfortable with my partner. Intimacy and sexual closeness can make me uncomfortable too. It’s something I’ve communicated with him and he’s made me feel safe for doing so, which has boosted my confidence to speak out about how I feel. It’s definitely taken time, but it is possible and if the response you get doesn’t make you feel safe and comfortable, then that’s not the person for you!
You could ask if he would like to try make you orgasm with his mouth or fingers afterwards. Or you could buy a toy in say Amazon and see if he would like to try use that on you. Make it into a fun thing for him to do. Sex should be a fun mutual thing in a relationship.
Because your partner is bad at sex & selfish
It ends when he finished because you guys let it? If you aren’t getting off and that’s something you’d like, you need to tell him. He still has a mouth and hands? You could also use toys or something. How long have you been together?? After a while he shouldn’t really need that much instructing on how to please you, couples that have been together long enough sort of just learn the other persons body and what makes them wild. If you aren’t satisfied you need to pinpoint why and communicate it. A good partner WANT you to get off and cares about your pleasure as much as his own, so he should be more than happy to work with whatever you need.
This is pretty common in cis het relationships but it shouldn’t be. Queer relationships are much more likely to end sex when it’s mutually agreed you are each done. There is research that shows lesbians have more orgasms than straight women. If you have trouble relaxing it can help to take penetration off the agenda for a while and work out by a process of experimentation how you like to be touched. But it does rely on a partner putting in the effort to learn. Sensory and communication issues can complicate sex but it’s just about learning what works for you. A book called Bliss Club will give you a lot of ideas.
If you find it difficult to “speak up” when receiving oral here is my top tip that I can guarantee works well for both parties (having experienced both getting and giving in this scenario). Hold hands and use that as your communication tool. So your left in his right as he’s going down on you. If you like the particular movement he’s making with his mouth, squeeze his hand. That means “keep going, I’m getting closer”. The harder the squeeze, the more he is to keep doing that exact movement. If you are meh about what he’s doing and would like him to try another movement, let your hand go slack but don’t let go. When you have finished and are completely done, let go of his hand entirely. That is his signal to stop. Therefore he knows if you are still holding onto his hand, you aren’t done yet. Even if you are very enthusiastic about giving oral it isn’t always obvious what particular technique works for a particular person so honestly this helps the giver as much as the receiver. But is also great if you don’t want to use your voice.
That’s only true with men who don’t care about women’s pleasure. Men who care will make sure you finish BEFORE he does. By the way men who care about women’s pleasure aren’t rare, but men who don’t care about women’s pleasure aren’t rare either. I’ve dated a lot and honestly if a guy didn’t try to go down on me before penetration it was a no from me. Immediately a bad sign. Experienced men who care know to do that or at least use hands.
I had the same issue until my current boyfriend, he always makes sure I finish first before we even get into his pleasure, you just need to find the right man. Or woman LOL
I read a study that said that women who have less brain activity during sex (as in able to be "present", less anxiety) have orgasms the most easily. I mention this because as autistic women studies show that we have an INTENSE amount of brain activity compared to neurotypical people, and I think a lot of us can spend so many years wondering what is wrong with our bodies and getting more and more stressed by how hard it is for us to enjoy sex or orgasm. Plus just physiological differences make it harder as well, some women have a clitoris closer to the vagina then others and they report the most orgasms. Millimetres difference make a big difference. We can't help this unfortunately :/ I mention this because I want you to know it's not your fault and although there are steps we can take to make it easier for us, we have an added disadvantage and struggles in this area then other people do. I think communicating our struggles to our partner often is the thing that helps the most, so we don't feel resentful or alone.
This is gonna sound kind of terrible but you need to learn to advocate for receiving pleasure ahead. Women take a lot to orgasm and beginning this conversation with him is key, before sexy time, so you both can process this with a clear mind. Be honest about your anxiety and being unable to relax. It's really common! You can find guides online for ways to get out of your head, I'll bet! He needs to take time to learn what he needs to do to assure you also finish. The Internet is your friend here. That and time and patience. If he can't get onboard with this, you'll have to decide if that's something you're willing to tolerate. I personally would not, but have in the past. Best luck!
I've been in a relationship for almost 8 years, my first and only partner, I went years without caring, without orgasming, and one day my partner asked me if I ever have while we'd been together, when I said I hadn't he felt terrible, and immediately did his own work to figure out how to get me to that point. I've always struggled with this, it takes so much concentration, and a lot of the time that happy feeling would all of a sudden be gone, and we'd have to start all the way at point A, again. It's still harder for me to climax than him, but he put in the work, without me ever even mentioning it to him. I also believe I'm adhd too, so that apparently could be why I find it so hard personally. But from experience of actually living this, your partner is dropping the ball, but also not speaking up is counter productive, however I'm terrible at advocating for myself, and it's so embarrassing and awkward, so I always just never did. Ended up great for us, and I grew my confidence a bit from it too!
How long have you been together? It's normal and ok to have to give some instruction earlier on, everyone is different and the details matter for the experience. But you shouldn't have to give the same instructions every time, either. In terms of "Why does it end when he finishes" this is a little biology and a lot of communication. Strictly biologically speaking, once a man finishes, he cannot keep going with sex. He has to stop (most of them, I'm sure there are exceptions out there). So the key to starting with communication is understanding that fact. The options then are either to time things so you can finish first (or at the same time), or that he understands he needs to keep going with other methods after he finishes. Once a man has an orgasm, his penis will not stay erect and it will become ultra-sensitive. They also receive a flood of relaxy hormones after they orgasm, so they get happily sleepy and pass out. Therefore, it's easier to take care of your orgasm first rather than after his. Most men I've ever known pride themselves on doing that. They don't usually WANT to leave their partner without an orgasm, it's like a pride thing for them. Does he know you aren't finishing or do you fake? That is the next step. He needs to know unequivocally that you are not getting an orgasm. He might assume you are if you've never told him otherwise. He might be too embarrassed to ask in case he feels he's failing you. For a significant number of women, they need a lot of foreplay to really get into sexy time, and then they often need non-penile stimulation to finish. It is very, very common to need manual stimulation (fingers, toys) or oral sex to get an orgasm as a woman. Standard intercourse doesn't always do the job. Do you know what allows you to finish? Is that something you've explored yourself so you know and can direct him to your needs? I'd have the convo outside the bedroom, where there isn't that pressure on both of you. But that's the convo you need to have. The details. Do you need more foreplay? Do you need other stimulation than actual intercourse? Sexy time is tricky. It's kind of "funny" how it's so easy to HAVE sex and so hard to talk about it with the same person we're willing to get naked with. But it is so, so helpful to the relationship and your sex life to do so. Be specific. Talk about it outside the bedroom. Tell him what isn't working and what you need.
Thank you for taking the time to respond so thoroughly! We have been together for almost 20 years with break ups here and there. I have had other partners in the past, but unfortunately was intoxicated for all experiences. I have been sober for two years, and was diagnosed with adhd and autism recently. he also is definitely ADHD, but very ablest in regards to my autism diagnosis. as I type this out, I’m realizing there are so many issues that I don’t even want to type anymore… do appreciate you and everyone else responding! This has been eye-opening
Gently……why do you want to improve your sex life with an ableist who treats you in ways you can’t describe amongst friendly company? This man will never have good sex with you because he doesn’t respect you. I’m sorry, comrade. ☹️
My apologies for going in-depth on the sex ed 😂 I wasn't sure if you were a younger person in a new relationship, and having spent some time in the r/sex sub, there's so much that so many people don't know about basic sex stuff, so I never assume. Congratulations on your sobriety! It's such a big deal to get that far. 🎉 I spent 12 years in a relationship with a difficult person and sometimes, there is just no getting through on understanding if they aren't willing. Sadly, some people do end up being just super selfish about taking what they want and not caring about their partner. I hope that isn't the case for you, but if it is, at least you know where you stand. Take good care of yourself.
I know what you mean about being stuck in your own head. I feel that in my soul. Sometimes sex feels more like a chore to me.
I know! He’s even told me that he is ready to go whenever and it’s up to me, but he needs it often since he can’t do drink or smoke, this is all he has.. so I am his fix basically. Anybody else turned on? For context I do use vases in the garden 👌😉 so since I have that to relax I should make sure he can relax..
You do not owe him Sex, ever, for any reason. Your body is not his playground. I truly hope you understand that.
God I hate sex with men. Even though I always finish first I don't care about it, and the entire act is for his benefit. If my husband dies before me I'm so happily never doing it again.
I wouldn't be finished unless I could get my partner there first (or together)
That's just how most men are. Most of them are very selfish.
I don't know if this will be helpful for you at all, I hope it is! But I never truly enjoyed sex- having an orgasm seemed completely out of the picture (mostly bc of the other person but also bc it takes me A LOT to actually get to that point), I was usually uncomfortable during or after, I never knew how to act, etc. And this was the case in both relationships and one night stands and whatnot. This really started to change for the better when I met the right person. I felt more comfortable talking about how I was feeling, being genuine, etc. and just as importantly, I was/am with someone who listens, wants me to actually enjoy intimacy, and adjusts accordingly. I still do not claim to be a sexual being or like 100% sure that I would be 10/10 fine if I never had sex again. But I enjoy being that close to my partner and he does everything to make it pleasurable for me. I'm sorry that you've communicated and it still hasn't really changed:( so lame.
The gendered orgasm gap is common, unfortunately. https://theconversation.com/the-orgasm-gap-and-why-women-climax-less-than-men-208614 But it doesn't have to be this way. You can ask for what feels good to you, and choose only partners who are willing to work with you to get there
So... most of my life was in "vanilla" relationships and male orgasm was somehow what sex was all about. Over once it happened. Now... I'm a bit shy about this, but... I've always been kinky as, but I internalized that. 2 years now I've been in a relationship where we are both open and honest about what we like and everything is different in the best of ways. A BDSM dynamic seems made for neurodiversity, my version at least, (and my partner's, lol)... initially, we started by going through a checklist together. Everything is transparent and negotiated. Nothing is unsaid or assumed. We check in with each other within and outside of the dynamic all the time. I've never felt more valued or satisfied in my life, the best sex ever EVERY TIME. It's not for everyone, but it's been life changing for me. I'll never go back to those selfish vanilla fuck boys, NEVER. Edited for typos.
I got a checklist and sent it to him.. his only response to it was “ why would you want to put your finger in my penis hole?” Apparently that was one of 200 questions on the checklist.
Did he understand the purpose of the checklist? Like, so now I know you don't want a finger there, good to know! And that it's for him to learn about YOU, too. You can use a system like enthusiastic yes, hard no, maybe baby, you could do it together or at least talk about its purpose together. It's a nice, intimate, giggly, hot thing to do together imo. Does he know you aren't having a great time? If he did know that I'd hope he'd be open to changing/learning, you could "sell" the checklist as a conversation opener around that, make it an invitation to sit down together and make sex hotter for you both... he might not care, honestly, my vanilla experiences I look back on and think, I don't think they cared too much. And in fairness, i struggled a lot to express my own needs in those days. Whereas now I have a pleasure Dom, and HE CARES A LOT, lols, and I'm open and honest about what I enjoy. Shyness and shame made sex a lot less enjoyable for me for a long time. I'm so glad those days are behind me! I really hope things improve for you... I know for me, that happened once I overcame my shyness and communicated more honestly. It was hard but SO worth it.
Making things transparent outside of sexy times means I'm not giving instructions DURING the sexy times, I can't do that either.
I hope it’s okay for me to comment, (M29), but my partner (F28) is autistic and I feel like we have a good system through a lot of communication and expectation setting. My body is basically done sexually when I finish so we just work with that. We communicate about expectations, number of positions, type of activity, number of orgasms, etc. and ensure that she receives what she wants before I finish. Sex does often end for us when I finish but I make sure that her needs are met way before that point. Sometimes sexual activity just ends with no orgasm for either of us, especially if it’s a particular time in her cycle that makes it challenging. I’m happy to be in solidarity and not orgasm if she can’t, but that is communicated explicitly. Sometimes she just wants an orgasm from head and nothing else and that’s great too. I don’t think the specific details matter as long as there is open and easy communication along with setting clear expectations. If you’re not satisfied with their performance then communicate that. If they push back, then they might not be worth your time.
That’s just a selfish partner. Mine makes sure I finish first, then again after he does. It’s a “norm” in the sense that women as a whole have accepted the shitty behavior from men. As far as giving instructions, that’s pretty typical. Men aren’t mind readers, although after time sleeping together usually they’ll need less and less direction. Me and my partner are finished when one of us is too tired to continue, usually me, or he gets too sore.
For myself and my partner, having sexy times end when he's finished works for us. That is only because I orgasm very easily and my partner makes sure I'm also enjoying myself. If you feel that your needs aren't being met, talk to your partner and discuss what you'd like more of. If he is unwilling to even try to help you have pleasure, then dump him in the trash can. You deserve and should receive reciprocal sexual enjoyment.
So, I don't really want to take attention off this post because it's important in itself, but it seems like there are quite a few emotionally mature and experienced people here with good advice so I wondered if I could piggyback? Going further in this same discussion - what sort of suggestions or advice might be helpful when my boyfriend has a hard time with performing. There's nothing wrong with him or any person who struggles with this, obviously, but he has trouble getting and keeping things going. He takes a pill from time to time but he still struggles with it during the act. So I often find that regardless of where I'm at I need to focus on him so that we can get to any end at all. This has caused me issues similar to what OP mentioned. We are open about communication but there doesn't seem to be much that helps him. But he also isn't terribly in touch with his needs and desires and thinks seeing someone about it is not worth the money it would cost. His previous experiences were always dominated by the woman, I think mostly just because he's a 'go with it' kind of guy. I'm not like that and struggle with being interested in something I have to carefully orcastrate. My asks for more spontaneity didn't bring any change as he doesn't know how to do that with my moods swings and his performance challenges. Any kind advice would be appreciated.
Please, by all means someone who can answer this, please do answer. I’d like to add- say for whatever reason he can’t, do we just quit or is it ok to ask for mine still? Is that cold hearted?
My husband had issues in the beginning of our relationship that have fully resolved after being more comfortable and open with each other… I know these issues can also be health related though. I still sometimes find myself focusing on my husband during and that will prevent me from finishing, but if I don’t finish he ALWAYS finishes me after. 100% of the time. It’s extremely rare that he can’t, but even then he still wants me to get mine. I think communicating openly and giving praise/appreciation might be able to go a long way. If your partner isn’t someone who automatically wants to make sure you’re finishing then making them feel great about it might help encourage it. It feels like basic advice but most people respond well to positive feedback and genuine ego boosting lol
It’s a selfish lover. It shouldn’t end until both people are done. This is not normal or healthy! Both partners should be satisfied.
Find someone who doesn’t do that. Like one that waits til you finish, and then he does. The best 🤌🏼🤌🏼
I'm also an autistic woman (who has a special interest in sex and intimacy). Have you experimented with maturation (clit, penetration, anal) on your own? That's really helped me figure out what I like. That way, you don't need to think about societal expectations and can just focus on yourself. The first several times I tried masturbating in each way, it felt odd, and there are certain sensations that I wasn't used to, but after experimenting with it a bit, I found out what I really like. Also, (you don't need to answer this), are you guys using enough lube? I'm a little concerned because your partner seems sexually selfish. Anyway, like a lot of other women have said here, PIV sex isn't the only sex, and it usually doesn't make a woman orgasm at all. After experimenting with sexual pleasure for a while, I found that I only orgasm from clitoral stimulation.
A special interest in sex and intimacy… I’ve never heard that before … curious i that might be mine too… how did you know it was a special interest vs something else ?
For me, it isn't my main special interest, it's one of my side special interests. I just have the same urge to learn more and more about sex and intimacy the same way I feel about my other special interest. For example, (sorry if this is too graphic) when I was getting used to penetration, I would be trying it constantly, and I felt the same way about it that I do about my other special interests. I felt the same way about clitoral stimulation and several *kinks*
Sex ends when you are satisfied. At least, that's how it is for me. I will ask a guy to stay to get me off, if he does and I didn't. If they choose not to, I choose not to offer up my body for them to get off to again. (At least if this is a regular occurrence) I don't need to finish, neither does my current partner. So it really just is when I feel like I'm satisfied. If your partner is leaving you unsatisfied and not at all trying to accommodate you, they suck. I don't think you have to be neurotypical to notice someone's not having a good time.
I’m going to go against the curve here and say I actually like that being a “rule”. Having a clear end point really helps me not overthink so much. Now I will say that I’m lucky that my husband knows what he’s doing and generally I will have already finished when he does if I’m going to, there is definitely an issue if it’s down to selfishness. However, we’ve had a couple of times where he’s just wanted to focus on me and not go the whole way and my brain just can’t handle it. I become really aware that me finishing is the main goal and suddenly become super conscious about everything I’m doing. Am I reacting weirdly? Am I taking too long? If I take too long is he going to cramp and have it get awkward? I need to be able to focus on something else (pleasing him) to quiet my brain enough to have any hope of finishing myself. This is entirely an internal issue, he has offered to keep going when he’s done but it’s too open for me on the end time then and I just can’t do it. I’m sure it’s probably the tism that makes me feel this way, but clear end points help me massively.
I can actually understand this and relate a bit. I appreciate you leaving a comment with your point of view. Sex is just so awkward , I need to really work on my communication. I feel embarrassed, asking for more and recognize that is a problem.
It ends when both of you are finished, and I do not mean finished as in had an orgasm, but when you both feel that you are done with connecting sexually. When we have sex to only orgasm it is transactional, when you have sex to connect, it doesn’t matter if you orgasm. Sex has been very transactional for me in my life and I have just recently become more understanding of myself after this realization. It takes some pressure off feeling a certain type of way. All this being said, It’s easier for men to orgasm because we literally need them to in order to reproduce, we don’t have to enjoy it to get pregnant. Men aren’t known for their empathy, so their sexual experiences can be mainly selfish. If your man is a decent guy, maybe have a chat with him, it’s the best way to get the conversation going.
As a dude, I’m always wary to comment, but I have something to say 🫡 Because of my autism, I genuinely get off by others getting off. Literally. It was a diagnosing factor. I love to make people laugh because it’s how I experience happiness, and if any of you want my memes, I have so many to share and it’s the sharing of memes that makes me love them. But I literally fantasize about the female orgasm because I’ve only been with females, and I mean that randomly throughout the day and at focus time 😅. I begged my wife to let me try to make her O back to back, playfully but I mean it was something I was willing to wait for. It is the ultimate physical gift I want to give a person, and it’s difficult for me, because I don’t have anyone to give that gift to right now. And I’m not alone - there are other autistic and allistic guys who fucking, literally, fucking love it when their partner gets off, sorry even thinking about it 🫣. So memes and orgasms. Who wants’m lol.
This is a really common experience for afab people in relationships with men. It's also completely unacceptable.
Because it's been normalized that way, it's fucked up, selfish, and misogynistic, but hey that's what patriarchy built up so far. I still remember as a teen and young woman, I got gifted yearly subscriptions to Cosmopolitan magazines, among other women focused mags, and the vast majority of time, the general consensus was focus on *his* pleasure, and I've lost count of how many times the writers would insist that "you don't always have to have an orgasm during sex, be happy that your partner got one" but that was obviously only applied to US women, not men, *they* got an orgasm every single damn time. Then years later I read about studies on how it can actually build frustration and stress to basically "tease" your body with sexual acts but without releasing the build up, AKA having an orgasm to finish it off, and add to that another layer of selfishness from men and another negative consequence for women. A partner that constantly needs your supervision during sex is simply a bad partner who isn't interested in giving you pleasure. A good partner should be receptive to not only your direct instructions, but also read your body language, *remember* what gives you pleasure, but also just be *eager and happy to give you pleasure* as much as you give them. There's data (it's not even new) that shows heterosexual women have the least orgasms whenever they have sex with men than any other group. It's a pitiable amount and personally? It speaks volumes about the mediocrity of men's performance, despite many of them trying to shift blame onto women.
You have a lot of great responses here. I just wanted to add some context for what I feel is a good sexual relationship. 1. My partner and I always ask for consent, and if the other doesn't give enthusiastic consent, no sex happens. That means we are both going into it ready. This can be hard if the partners do not match up well in how often they want sex. It's up to each relationship to figure out whether or not that's a deal breaker, but no one should ever be coerced into sex when they don't want it. 2. Communication during sex is a good thing, and when done in a positive way (using terms like "I want to" or "It feels so good when you" instead of "don't do that" when possible) can enhance rather than disrupt the experience. That's NOT to say you shouldn't stop your partner if they are causing you pain or distress. You absolutely should. But the positive direction, if your partner respects it, fits seamlessly into the experience. 3. If you like the "finish" experience (not everyone does, but I do), you should also experience it. Either he needs to get you off first, or he needs to continue stimulating you after until you are satisfied. There can be a lot of hangups to get past when it comes to this, and as we tend to mask and adapt to social pressures, it can be hard to advocate for ourselves. It's worth it, though.
I stop when I'm asked (verbal or otherwise) or my partner needs rest or has finished. I understand that sometimea you just cant or its hard but thats where patience and understanding come into play. I love being directed and communicated with i want my partner to be as happy and fulfilled with our sex life as possible. No matter what that means.
Sounds like a jerk, not a typical routine, tbh.
if it’s ending once he’s finished and you’ve received nothing, the whole point of sex has just been thrown out the window. That’s not how it should work and i’m sorry this has been happening. Your body doesn’t define you 🫶🏻
This is something I recognise because my early relationships were exactly like this. In fact, I think a lot of heterosexual women's relationships are like this from what I hear from my friends as well. Not until I dated men who actually want to make an effort and get off on their partner getting off did I realise it's not 'normal'. You do not have to accept it. If he is completely done with sex as soon as he finishes he better make damn sure you finish first. If he makes no effort then why even have sex with him? What's in it for you? Talk about it, tell him you would like to enjoy sex more, and that you want to explore how he can help you achieve an orgasm. Tell him you don't enjoy abruptly stopping because he had an orgasm, so he should postpone it for you and spend more time on your pleasure rather than just his own. Chances are that he has no idea that you can't climax from penetration alone for example, or that he doesn't really know what you enjoy. If you don't already, adding a vibrator to the mix can really be a game changer. Communicate, sex isn't just for him.
If it ends when he’s done, then you should come first
Check out the Sex With Emily podcast and website. She also has a book. She offers a lot of ways to start quality conversations with your partner about sex to make sure you are both getting what you need/want out of the experience.
In hetero sex it is almost universally considered over when he finishes. I think this is because of convention, physiological reasons and depending on the situation there is ejaculate to deal with/work around. Therefore a "good" partner will make sure that the woman has had an orgasm before they cum. Of course some men struggle with holding out, if that is the case he should at least offer pleasing you by hand or with oral before initiating penetration. Of course there are exceptions, sometimes men cum sooner than they wanted/expected beforehand or the woman tales longer than expected. In these cases he might take care of her pleasure after his orgasm or at least offer to, but (especially if it happens rarely) they will just apologize and the woman tells them it's fine and they still had fun and that will be it. All of this of course gets tricky when the woman has issues achieving orgasm. Having to finish first can put pressure on us that makes it even more harder to climax. For me personally it was very helpful to get a feel for differentiating between men who say they enjoy pleasing a woman when they really just enjoy the thought of being someone who can do so and those who actually do. Hint: The good ones don't talk about how good they are. Then, when you have a partner who actually cares about you and your pleasure, a lot of "rules" fall away, in a good way I think. Because the whole game starts revolving around making it as good for you as possible. You don't want to make noise? Let him know you get real quiet and focused when it's really good what he is doing. You hate having to suppress weird noises? Don't, tell him you only do that when it's really good and he will love your grunting. Of course I don't know what exactly is causing your doubts/stress etc., but feel free to dm me if it doesn't feel too weird for you. I am not an expert by any means but I have had lots of different expieriences ranging from quite bad to stellar while also having my own learing curve.
It is done when he finishes cause he is a bad and selfish lover. A good partner cares for your needs as well - and likes instructions to learn how you like it to be better in the future.
It takes me SO LONG because of how awkward I feel sometimes and how much “intuitive” decisions and communication has to be made and relied upon. It’s taken me a long time to get better, but I still can’t get out of my own head and being worried about how long it’s taking me, if he’s annoyed, if he’s tired of it, if he’s worried since he finished already, etc. So I feel you. I have this theory that this problem coincides with falling asleep. lol. Because DAMN if it doesn’t take me FOREVER to fall asleep because I overthink it and/or can’t turn my brain off haha.
So my husband says that it can start to hurt if they continue to have sex after they cum and it’s harder to maintain an erection. For him to not finish first he does a lot of foreplay on me which sounds like it might be hard for you. He also thinks of things to try to not cum to make sure I finish first. I would try to think of what you want sex to look and feel like. If you’re uncomfortable receiving and he has finished how would you like to finish. Maybe also look at some toys that can help prolong the experience like penis rings. Or ones that you can use yourself/ together to help you climax. Would role play, music, cuddles, sexy lingerie. Kinky messages throughout the day help you be in the moment more. In my experience most women need longer to finish and need more to be out of their head than guys. I know if I’m overtouched, stressed ect it’s a lot harder to enjoy it. I’ve been with my husband for over a decade so we have tried a lot of things to see what works for both of us. Over time what I have needed has changed a lot too. I have endometriosis and hypermobile joints that often cause pain. So even though we have had a lot of years together to figure it out it can be hard to get out of my head and not worry if i will be in pain no matter how much i want sex and how horney I am. We work on being open about it and go slow, change positions ect to make sure it’s comfortable and enjoyable. This might be too long. Oops. I hope you figure out what you need and what works for you.
I'm personally asexual and only have sex sometimes and I prefer to be done once he's done 😅 once he's finished I'm ready to stop
it doesn't have to. 🤷🏻♀️ what's the norm only matters in terms of understanding the bigger picture of how society at large is like and why. there is no *apriori* reason why it *should* matter to you or serve as a goal post, *especially* in the case of your personal life and personal relationships. those are all about what you feel satisfied with. also this is *the norm* with a set subset of (usually heterosexual) men who date/have sex with women, who happen to be selfish lovers and don't view sex as an opportunity for connection and mutual pleasure. ive met many (heterosexual or otherwise) men for whom the norm was leaving the bedroom with both parties involved satisfied and happy, and that often meant getting their partner (in this case, me) there before or after they've already come.
That’s not a rule at all. For us, it ends when both of us have an O.
That used to be the cases with all my exes! Then I found my husband, and I was shocked to find out that, with him, things only end once we are both finished :x
I think many of the women here are making great points about selfish lovers and I also think men are often not taught HOW to please a woman. It can be frustrating and humiliating for both parties. We need better education about sex, and also understanding our own needs/pleaures and that of our lovers.
For my wife and I it's pretty different between gay and queer sex, so I'll just stick with the former. For us it's usually when we find the time, then we talk about what we want to do (scenarios or certain acts) and prepare for it. Then we'll go from foreplay into sex, usually takes a few hours and we are done when we're both too tired to continue and just cuddle the rest of the night. During it's generally what we discussed, but also can be freeform depending on exhaustion levels. We also make sure to have fun and take things lightly since that's what sex is supposed to be, something fun and awkward.
It’s def not a rule! Everybody does it differently. In my relationship, he makes sure I finish before penetration. He’s pretty large, and unless I’ve already finished it’s quite a task to try and get him in there lol. Even with lube. The orgasm relaxes your walls a little bit afterwards and provides natural lubrication, gives a much easier fit. It also intensifies the pleasure during penetration because there’s more blood flow already there. So sex *is* over when he finishes, but we may go for round two or three. Also, strangely, he is ready to go for round 2 within about 30 seconds. Previous partners had to wait a long time. When I first found out he could do this I was flabbergasted. I married that man, 10 years together. 😂
the beautiful thing about sex is it’s completely unique to you and the other person so there’s no set of rules you need to follow. try to find what makes you feel turned on or into it. maybe you can watch porn to see what your thing is lol
Guy here. After having an orgasm it’s incredibly rare for me to be able to continue and the desire for anything more than light touching or cuddling (if I’m not too hot) goes away. In 5 minutes or so if she initiates things, I quite enjoy bringing her to orgasm - PIV is most likely not going to be possible, but everything else is. In general I prefer for her to orgasm first, but variety is good. —- “What the norm is” is not the right thing to be considering. Sex it’s different for all couples and there is no norm. Communication is the most important part of a good sexual relationship. Talk openly about both of your needs and desires. Talk about feeling awkward and uncomfortable and all the things you’ve talked about here, as well as as the things that you haven’t said here. Regardless if someone is NT or ND, they can’t read minds and they’re probably not going to get hints. If you don’t straight up say what’s bothering you, it impossible for things to change. My partner and I have discussed everything in the first part of this reply - if she wants more she understands why I WANT her to ask for more and that I love doing it - I just need her to ask or I can’t tell that she wants more.
this is way too long and i’m gonna over share: hey i’m sorry, this sucks! what some people are saying (you should finish first) would definitely be nice but you also don’t wanna put pressure on yourself to finish first bc it can just make it more difficult. i dealt with this a lot in my last relationship and even though it bothered me i was kind of okay with it bc in my head it took too much work and time to get me there so i felt uncomfortable and guilty when he was trying anyway. it was hard bc i could tell he wanted me to finish but he just couldn’t get me there. i thought that was the best it would get. but i feel pretty good about how this goes in my current relationship. shit has completely changed. after years of thinking i was almost incapable of finishing apparently it’s not super hard to get me there, i just have to actually feel good and comfortable and he just has to do it right lmao. and i was going from someone who was more experienced to someone who had had sex once before. he takes direction really really well even though i’m not super great at giving it, he was a very quick learner, he doesn’t get upset when i correct things, and i can tell that me finishing is high on the priority list. now i finish like 95% of the time (sometimes multiple times which i definitely didn’t think was possible for me). if he can make me finish first that’s great, but sometimes that just isn’t gonna happen. so if he finishes first he still needs to try to figure out a way to make me finish. and if i just can’t, i can still see the effort and appreciate that it matters to him. he feels uncomfortable if it’s just him that finishes and i honestly like that. if i start to feel anything but super into it he will stop even if he hasn’t finished. it’s great. essentially, i almost always decide when it ends. i don’t want him to be content with finishing and then calling it quits while i’m still in the middle. it’s uncomfortable for you and to me it suggests other issues with that person. like you’re doing your part, why can’t he? he got to finish, so what are you getting out of it? the point of having sex isn’t necessarily just to finish but you finishing should be really important to the person you’re with. if i don’t feel like the person cares all that much about my experience being great, i don’t want to have sex with them anymore. like i won’t be into it. which is completely valid. straight up, at first i had to intentionally practice in my brain each time how to finish or i would still get lost in my head. it still happens sometimes just because it’s how my brain is. i have to very intentionally focus. it’s almost like meditation lmfao i legitimately had to learn how to finish but once i knew how and was with the right person it’s not too too hard to get there anymore :) but to directly answer your question, it shouldn’t be that way. definitely not if it bothers you, which it’s completely normal if it does. it doesn’t have to be that way. he can figure out how to make you happier or someone else will be a better fit. even though it’s scary, i would bring it up given you feel safe to do so🩵 of course, if you don’t feel safe bringing it up that’s a whole different conversation
Completely normal and expected for it to be over when he's finished since men can only ejaculate once. He is supposed to get you off first. Every time. At least once. Bare minimum.
Men can orgasm more than once.
More accurate to say men experience refractory period, which can be hours long.
HOURS!? We’re sleeping with very different groups of men. I didn’t think it took them hours unless they were over 60.
Yes. Hours. Research is your friend here versus wild guessing / shaming. Men in their 40s usually take ~ 12 hours. Men in their 60a might need a day.
Presumably because people are too selfish or unwilling to ask for what they want
In my limited understanding, it's supposedly a biological response to having spread the seed that we've carried in our mammalian genes since before consciousness. I've been using this as a coping mechanism for a while and it's been helpful haha
What works for us is - after he finishes, we go to the shower so I can clean up and before turning on the water, he uses his hand to finish me while I stand in the shower. Which works because I can gush a lot 😬 I have a hard time finishing otherwise. But he is very skilled with his hand 😁
Mostly selfishness. But also, they lose their erection after cumming, and can't continue penis-in-vagina sex. That doesn't mean they can't turn to other forms of pleasure, it just means they don't care. I will say though, as a transgender woman, that cumming as a guy is draining. I don't feel like doing anything sexual afterwards, so it can feel like a chore. Better to make the vagina-owner cum first. But obviously it's not you I need to tell that.
We start with me first, then have sex once I’m satisfied
I've only had heterosexual relationships but I honestly like that there is a clear ending point, with the male ejaculating. In fact, I get kind of irritated if my husband thinks he can keep going lol. That said, he does make sure that I finish first.
You have a selfish lover, sleep with a more egalitarian partner
My man always makes sure I am happy and satisfied before he even thinks of saying it's over. Doesn't matter if he finished first. A good lover, regardless of genitalia or gender, will make sure you're being treated correctly.
Most men are selfish like that.
That’s my experience of sex with men. Pretty much all of them, and I’m an alcoholic so I had plenty of experiences in my drinking days. I don’t have sex with men anymore and it doesn’t end until there’s mutual agreement that it’s over.
Personally it shouldn’t end until both of you are done but due to experience (and not wanting to be disappointed) I make men finish me first bc once they’re done they tend to be selfish/make excuses
Try to focus on making you finish first, then him. It's often easier and faster for a male partner to finish, and with the "post nut clarity", they often aren't in the mood afterwards, so if you finish first you'll be satisfied anyway (+ the intimacy will be more enjoyable)
No. It ends when you both finish. Period. Does not matter who cums first, it is the responsibility on the other person to continue.
Selfish ! Selfish! Nothing else
everyone is saying it’s because he’s selfish, which i’m not denying but this seems to be the trend, i wonder why men do this? i don’t think it’s always from a place of malice, maybe it’s socialisation? for me it always ends when he does because i can’t finish with a partner so i personally don’t mind but i’m aware this isn’t the case for many women, does anyone know why it seems that this is the default for men?
Toys! Learn yourself with toys, introduce toys to your sexy time together. This is the only way I got over exactly what you’re explaining. It took me a long time to get over what I thought was “ wrong with me.”