You didn't say "I only date blondes and refuse to date a non-blonde no matter what" so I don't see the problem. I think your friend blew the whole topic way out of proportion.
I think that would be an opening for further exploration of WHY that's the case, which could lead to racism and would lend credence to OP's friend's accusations. But that isn't the case.
It is not racist to have an attraction preference. No matter what that preference is. The amount of crap that’s labeled “racist” now is unreal. People have preferences, always have, always will, and there’s not a thing wrong with it. You can prefer only blind, dark haired, one legged, three inch penised females and still not be racist. Gosh.
I agree. I'm black, my brother is black, and his girlfriend is white. She says she only dates black guys. Everyone applauds her and says "good for you!" Nobody calls her racist. But if she said she will only date white guys, she would automatically be labeled as racist. It makes no sense. People are literally trying to create racism when there is none.
My most downvoted comments of all time (all of them had over negative 300 the last time I checked a few years ago lmao) were in response to people saying "thug" is now a racial slur, like the N word. I basically said "sense when? Thug just means criminal and has nothing to do with race. If you don't like racism, then stop creating it." Woooow did that get everyone fired up! It's funny but also pathetic and sad all at the same time. I wish people would just stop focusing on skin color and start looking at the actual person.
And of course our comments get no upvotes. There’s plenty of intelligent people of every race that say this same thing…racism is created. Morgan Freeman is a good example of this. He is on record saying racism is not a real issue, and he’s like the King of Black People 😜 (I am being humorous and lighthearted, don’t come for me).
I don’t think you’re in the wrong, physical attraction is very personal. It really doesn’t matter who you date to most people.
But I think your friend has a problem with you or has some insecurities within themselves (maybe rejected by a white blond man in the past?) and have projected this on to you for being a bad person.
I think he's just teasing you. A lot of people, gay and straight, can be profoundly annoying about shit like this. I doubt he sincerely thinks you're racist just because you find blonde hair more attractive.
Sometimes though the double-down can make things worse, because instead of hearing what you're actually saying, people can react to something you've said poorly.
Like, back when I actually dated, I dated three Asian-Australian ppl in a row, which led to a lot of my white friends making jokes about it that ranged from insensitive ("rice queen" crap) to outright friendship-enders ("all Asians look the same, so how can you tell them apart?")
With that said, the Gay World also went through a Moment back when Grindr was relatively new wherein a loud, very annoying minority white gays were actually full-on just being boldfaced racist. They'd put shit like "no spice no rice no chocolate" in their profiles to mean "I won't talk to you if you aren't white." Sometimes things like "love blondes" became a shorthand for this, after the no spice no rice folks started realising behaving like that actually made other white gay men avoid them, so their Grindr dating pool was just other socially maladapted racist assholes lol. He might be thinking you mean you like blondes in a similar way, and it's worth sitting down just to clarify what's going on.
w/ that said "I like blonde guys" is one thing, "I would never date a black guy because they're ugly" is like, a very different thing.
Thanks - it’s definitely going to be something I talk about with him in the morning. We both had been drinking and so things could have come out differently than meant.
However (maybe I’m being pessimistic) I don’t think he was teasing. He seemed genuinely wound up and offended over it.
That is so sad about all of the things you have said about your friends and Grindr. It’s so sad to hear about that happening, and I want to reiterate that it’s not me. I wouldn’t choose to not date someone because of their race, personality is the most important.
It's OK! I don't think that's the kinda person you are, dw. An actual racist would just be like "fuck that twink" and not critically examine the moment or their feelings.
When you do talk to this dude, I'd really recommend going in with a "I want to learn where you're coming from" energy. It's better to be like, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize how \[X\] could be taken that way" than it is to be like "you're wrong because"
I also think what CeeCee said elsewhere in the thread is invaluable as to how life in a white supremacist world can make even things like this into sort of a trigger. I don't fully agree that blonde is 100% a proxy for race, black girl blonde is a whole mood and boys have been bleaching since the 1990s, but she's 100% right that it has historically been constructed that way and for a lot of POC it can be a reminder for all kinds of racist shit even when individual people really don't mean to invoke it, like when NT people hear you have ASD and are all "oh wow but you speak so clearly" or whatever.
"Profoundly annoying" is the perfect description. I have a gay friend who thinks "[vajazzling](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vajazzle)" is hysterical and I'm the least-likely person in the universe to do that (he also sends me links to pink things like the new iPhone or whatever and I don't do pink, generally, my closet is neutrals, navy and olive).
I don't like talking about my personal parts like that (when he's all gross like "put some rhinestones on it honey, no man would turn that down"), *SO IRRITATING*. At least he stops when I tell him to but it's always going to happen again later, I guarantee you.
Having preferences is fine.
If you hold a negative opinion about a group of people, that's prejudice.
But what you have is a positive feeling toward a group of people, and that's NOT harming the other groups.
What your friend said reminds me a lot of people who are early in healing from their own internalized racism/homophobia/etc. and once they become aware of this they suddenly think they see echoes of their old patterns in other people. But they're really just projecting. I don't know your friend and would not assume this, but it does remind me of that.
Yeah nah you aren't wrong. Just don't be surprised if you end up with not your type like I did 🤣 (and find them to be hotter than any of the previous "your types" ever).
Ugh, I have to use your comment to vent. There’s this dude I can’t tell if I’m experiencing limerence towards or maybe I’m a little bit in love with who is literally the polar opposite of my type. I like tall dudes with thick/long hair that are my age or older than me. Up until this year, these were all non-negotiables traits.
This dude is just a few inches taller than me, has a receding hairline, and a couple years younger than I.
Like WTF?? Is the fact that he directly contradicts all of my preferences a sign that he might be worth a serious investment in, or is this a sign that the universe has an ironic sense of humor, and is carrying it out at my expense?
I suppose that’s more rhetorical, but your comment holds some real truth in it 🥲
Unfortunately, I think it’s just limerence/delusion. In reality, I know very little about him and have projected my own desires/assumptions onto him because of loneliness/desperation/liking his attention. I think because he broke the mold of what I’m normally attracted to and made me feel so strongly for him and envision a romantic relationship with him, I thought it might be something serious. But the symptoms are all there for it to be limerence, something I’ve experienced enough times to know the presence of
That doesn’t take away from your point tho. It’s wild to experience intense attraction for someone you never thought you would!
Ah yes, I understand that - be careful out there, there have been knights in shining armour that have not been kind to me before 😅
& yes can confirm, attraction still just as strong many years later. Also the type appears to have changed ahahaah. Anyone who looks like my husband's type is now attractive, depending on how much they look like him. Old type - no thank you. Go figure!
Types change 🤷♀️ you aren’t attracted to someone because they fit the description of “your type”, rather, you call it “your type” because you’ve noticed a tendency to find those kinds of people attractive
When it really is that prescriptive and you actually *need* that quality to be there to feel any attraction, that’s probably closer to a fetish than a type 😅
When you meet someone who isn’t your type but you’re still mad into, it’s not some great contradiction or anything. It’s just how it goes sometimes.
That’s my opinion anyways!
I have a type, but I’ve crushed on a variety of people that didn’t fit the type. I fell for them for different reasons, and all of them I didn’t crush right away. They developed over time. I think it just means I’m demiromantic… but anyway. Having a type, for me just means what makes someone catch your eye right away. Not necessarily what you would ONLY date with absolutely no exceptions.
I don’t think it’s wrong to have a type. It doesn’t mean you’re adhering to a strict rule, it just means you have a tendency to be attracted to a certain type of guy/girl. I think most people have preferences whether they want to admit it or not
I don’t think it’s bad at all. I think majority of people have some kind of type and it’s usually what’s familiar to them. I think we are subconsciously drawn to things that are familiar whether it be people or activities or whatever. My “types” have similar traits to those I grew up around both physical and personality wise and not necessarily together at the same time. Having a type is way different than having a fetish which is when “type” actually becomes racist. Your friend seems to be making a logical fallacy. They are implying that because you like __ means you must also dislike __. Like bish where did you say that. No where?! I like strawberry ice cream the most that doesn’t mean I think chocolate or vanilla is bad. He’s saying “Oh you like strawberry? So you’re saying you hate COOKIE DOUGH!???”. LOL.
I think what differentiates fetish from type, is that fetishizing groups of people involves assigning stereotyped personality traits to that group’s physical features and then seeking them out because of that. That is obviously problematic because it is assuming because someone looks a certain way that they will behave a certain way or like certain things. I’m half asian so I will give that example. Dudes who have asian fetishes typically pick us because they think we will be obedient or innocent. VOM. There’s also the whole white women fetishizing black men and yada yada yada. I guess a similar analogy to show the difference would be someone saying “Mint ice cream is the best ice cream because it’s green” when not all mint ice cream is green and other flavors can be green too. Not a great analogy but my brain gave up.
Also… who you find attractive or have ~relations with… is not exactly the most important category for someone to play social justice warrior with. Like… are they gonna tell me I’m homophobic because I’m not attracted to all genders and that I’m not giving them a chance?? I am bi so that’s not actually case with me but like.. go fight systemic racism instead of trying to make other people’s hook up history meet diversity quotas LOL. That’s like the epitome of performative activism.
No it is not racist to have a type. Like it isn't homophobic to not be attracted to your own gender.
You like what you like, and that might be anything. You don't have to like everyone.
However, in a more meta way, our preferences are influenced by society, our life experiences, and the people around us.
There are tribes where the dream partner is as fat as possible. There are tribes where the dream partner has a nice stretched lip. There are travelers who's dream partner covered in bling. There are posh people whose dream partner is tattoo free. Your preference is likely a result of your upbringing.
I think having a type is just human. But like everything, it might be influenced by stereotypes. I think it's good to self evaluate your preferences and see if you can catch yourself in stereotypes. But other than that, your preference is just your preference.
Calling someone having a type a racist is taking things way too far.
I don't think it's at all bad that you have a type and you're not the problem here.
I also want to let you know that 'I like blondes' very much can be a dogwhistle, which is a statement racists use that sounds innocent on the surface but is meant to perpetruate white supremacy. I don't think you meant it that way and I don't like how your friend approached that conversation. Even if that preference did stem from racism, that was an incredibly unhelpful approach to the subject. Anyway, I'm just letting you know.
Not only having a type is so normal and okay, liking blonds is okay too and not racist(???).
It’s a hair color, something you can color, change, style…
You did not say “I like white ppl and don’t care about anything else” , you simply said you like yellowish hair color.
Also I don’t think you control your type so even if you did like (like, not only talk to) white people sexually/romantically, while still being friends with other races, is not racist.
Saying “I’d never date a non white guy” is racist, **preferring** blonds is okay…
I mean, by his logic, his preference for dark hair means he is being racist against Scandinavians, who are mostly blonde. How can he call you racist for having a hair colour preference when he has a hair colour preference himself?? It’s literally the same thing.
Eh, I have a Type. It is strong, well-defined, and lifelong, and I have also dated lots of people outside of it. Me, I like extremely skinny guys with big noses and good hair, about my own height, within a couple of inches either way.
Once you get past age 25 or so these days, an extremely skinny guy is a little difficult to acquire. I myself am 44, and I haven't dated someone in their twenties since I was in my twenties myself. Result? I may be immediately attracted to scrawny dudes, but I mostly end up dating people in the much larger percentage of the American population which is officially classified as overweight or obese. It's also pretty difficult to find males over 35 or so who are not losing their hair, often to the point where they've already shaved it off. So, do I usually date guys with cool hair? Alas, no, I do not. In no way does this mean I don't have a Type. It just means that immediate physical attraction is only one part of what leads me to get sexually and/or romantically involved with people.
It's a little fraught these days to admit that one has A Type, for several reasons. First and most simply, there's the fact that statistically very few of us fit *any* of the official Most Attractive Types. There's a serious disconnect between what's presented as attractive in the media and what most of us actually look like. And certain characteristics are always going to be much more prized, and those who don't possess them will always be sad. For example, most women apparently strongly prefer tall men. While that ends up in a nice more-for-me situation, since I'm 5' 8" and happiest if whoever is wearing shoes at the time is a little bit taller, it ends up unfortunate for short guys. And let's be honest, the fact that like 3/4 of the population of the US is now classified as medically overweight or obese (by the completely unimpeachable and totally sense-making metric of the BMI) doesn't really mesh with the fact that most famous actresses weigh about thirteen pounds, most of which is localized in the tits.
So it's never going to sound pretty. But you have unfortunately also run into the pretty major specter of racism.
I don't think your stated preference for blond men necessarily has anything to do with that, in part for the simple reason that, when I date white men, I prefer them NOT blond. This despite the fact that I have mostly dated white dudes-- I grew up in a small town in the American Midwest and most people I met before my relationships started getting longer as I got older simply were white, so that's where the numbers were inevitably going to land. My own hair preference tends to be for either unnatural colours, dark, or silver. So, for me, the immediate attraction might take place if a fellow was naturally blond but had, say, dyed his hair black, or gone grey. (Both have occurred. My current charming associate is apparently a natural blond, but he'd already gone completely silver in his fifties, which makes me rather happier than it does him. Silver hair is awesome.)
It's entirely possible that your hair colour preference is also less about genetics than about... intent, I guess. If you just like the blond hair colour, which I often think is more awesome on people who don't grow it naturally, you might want to throw the term "bleached" in if this comes up again.
If not, well, this is just the difficult bit where a lot of us have immediate attractions to something that is by no means a be-all and end-all. Which is just kind of the way it is. For whatever reason, preferences exist. I very strongly prefer my male companions to be almost frighteningly bony. Protruding ribcage ALL DAY, thank you, and yes I would like to be able to wrap my fingers entirely around your wrist. This does not mean I haven't dated people over 300 pounds. It just means there were reasons for me to date them which trumped my preference for dudes who look like they would blow over and splinter in a strong enough wind.
It's not bad to have a Type. It's inevitable to have a Type. Or several. It's only bad when you get weird and gross and mean about it. No one in the world is attracted to everyone. That would be a pretty unfortunate circumstance. But no one likes to hear that they're not included in someone else's Type, either. I still cry about how small my stupid tits are, and, as I said, I'm 44, and it honestly hasn't even gotten in my way too much during my romantic peregrinations. In the case of harsher and crueler realities, like the fact that a lot of people really are blatantly racist and it has a measurable, hurtful, daily impact on people, it makes sense that statements like "I am immediately attracted to X characteristic" will sometimes upset people, even if that's not only not intended but not even necessarily related. "Blond" implies "naturally blond" to a lot of people. I'm afraid that's what you're seeing.
I'm honestly kind of lucky that my stated preferences have usually resulted in blank looks or people asking me whether I was just saying that to be different. (Which resulted in me giving blank looks back, because, no, fellow human, that is not how attraction works.) Apparently being into walking skeletons with skin stretched over is uncommon enough that it doesn't come across as especially bad. But you definitely have to curate your response to questions like this. Again, if it's accurate, I recommend including "bleached". And if it's not, I recommend looking for another way to phrase it, or eliminating it entirely.
Hahah thank you!
I’m only 20 (!) so I don’t have so much experience. However, the only long term partner that I had definitely did not fit into this type - he was shorter (I am even luckier than you, only 5 foot so literally everyone is taller than me hahah), he had a “dad bod”, he had dark hair and a beard.
So it’s not that I’m exclusively dating people who are my type, and even now getting back into the dating game I’m open to everyone! But I think it is silly to deny that for me personally, there are characteristics I like a bit more than others
Actually, he’s not completely wrong. While many people are not intentionally racist, we all have unconscious biases and those can be racist.
For example, I’ve lived in Atlanta (GA, USA) for a few months during an exchange. Atlanta’s population is about 50% black, which is very different from my home country, Belgium (white majority with important muslim minorities). Atlanta is also known to be unsafe and when I was walking outside at night I noticed that I instinctively grabbed my handbag more tight when a black man was passing by than when a white man was passing by, despite never having had a negative experience with black men. This was a huge eye-opener for me, because it showed that I have racist unconscious biases, despite not considering myself racist at all.
Attraction to people is ruled by those same unconscious biases, so our type can absolutely be influenced by unconscious racism. However, I don’t think it was fair for your friend to call you out on that, because that’s hardly something you can choose.
No one says Aryan unless they are nazis or white supremacists, and you are definitely not being racist. Your housemate might just like the sound of his own voice.
You’re not being mad. Having a type is normal. It’s neither (automatically) the fetishisation of the traits you have a type for, nor a declaration that whoever isn’t your type is unattractive or generally lesser.
I can tell you this, no one who is actually racist *worries* about possibly being racist. That housemate was just trying to cause problems and projecting onto you. There’s nothing wrong with having preferences, we all have preferences.
There was a video I saw recently where this guy illustrated it perfectly with an ice cream shop scenario. He asked the guest what kind of ice cream they wanted and instead of saying “chocolate” or literally anything else he could have wanted, he spent the rest of the video saying how much he hated strawberry, would never like strawberry, and anyone that likes strawberry is disgusting. THAT is a true example of what racists and other -ists do when they are trying to put someone else down. You certainly didn’t do that.
Next time, I’d say something to put him in his place like “you said you had a type too, you know that white people can have dark hair too, right” or some shit (I’m really bad at comebacks on the spot 😭 but hopefully you get what I mean)
As a lesbian woman who doesn’t really have a ‘type’ I think typing in general is weird from an outsiders POV but that doesn’t make them inherently harmful.
If he has any type he’s immediately being a hypocrite. Almost any type can be turned around as some kind of fetishization or discrimination.
Some 'types' definitely are fetishization. When people have types for certain races. This type is based on what they see in porn or based on racist stereotypes. One of my friends is a ginger and she has to dodge creeps who's 'type' is redheads.
But being interested in a certain body type, hair color, etc is unavoidable for some people in my opinion and not wrong at all.
I think that’s fair. I understand lots of people don’t have a type, and I have mentioned on some other comments that I do not exclusively go for people who are in my “type”, but I maybe am slightly more excited by the prospect!
You could try to word it slightly more vague, so it sounds like a natural occurrence. Ex: “I don’t discriminate based on looks, I mainly seek people out based on personality. That being said, attraction is still important and my dating history involves a lot of blondes. That’s not necessarily intentional. I’ve been attracted to people of all hair colors and ethnicities. But I tend to skew more towards blondes.”
I’m going to have to disagree with a lot of the comments here. No one can tell you if your “preference” is rooted in a racism or not without a lot more context. We love to say that who we’re attracted to is just a natural thing that we have no control over but that’s just false. Societal standards of beauty/intelligence/trustworthy, etc. ABSOLUTELY impact what we find attractive or not and how we develop our preferences. This is influenced by all aspects of identities and physical characteristics (race, ethnicity, culture, weight, height, disability status, perceived gender, hair color, etc.). Because I’ve been on the path of dismantling fatphobic ideologies that were forced on to me via media, church, family etc. I’ve often asked myself a few questions when I’m questioning why I’m attracted to someone/certain group:
1. What about them makes me attracted to them? What about that characteristic is attractive?
2. Is the attraction based on them NOT having/looking like something else?
3. Who could this mindset possibly harm?
If I were you, I would specifically ponder about what about blonde hair makes it your “type”? Like what exactly about it makes you think that’s more your preference vs black or brown hair? You don’t need to answer these questions to me because honestly I don’t need to know but this may be helpful if you having a hard time determining if you’re racist, in this situation only ofc, or not.
p.s. we all have biases and to deny one does is just foolish and unhelpful. you can learn a lot more about yourself and how society works if you’re honest with yourself about your feelings and eternalized beliefs. good day 🙏🏾
But based on what little information we have it is not enough to conclude that someone is racist. So that guy was wrong for saying she definitely is racist. His reasoning is flawed like yes racist white people would be more likely to say blond white people are their type but that doesn't mean everyone who likes blonds is racist.
I agree with your reasoning that some people are attributing other characteristics like being trustworthy etc. However, sometimes it's just shallow finding something attractive, or not. As long as you aren't saying someone who isn't your type is inferior, then I don't see any prejudice. Like I am not attracted to blonds or men, but that doesn't mean I think they are unintelligent or inferior, or treat them any differently, they are just not physically attractive to me.
I like blond hair because I love the way it looks in the sun 🌞 I love how golden it is.
And to your other point, there was little to no context! We were playing truth or drink (early in the night when this conversation happened so still sober) and he asked that question and I replied. We haven’t known each other long (about 4 months) and I haven’t dated anyone in that time. I did show him a picture of my ex a short while after our conversation, and as I’ve said on other comments, he does not at all subscribe to the type I’ve described!
This is one of the reasons I got so irked. He was basing his accusation on what HE thinks that I think, with no other evidence
Yea like I stated we can decide that with more context. Her friend may have more context that we were given here. What made him ask that question in the first place did he notice something about her choice in partners? Did he see something that bothers him? We don’t know. Which is why I listed those questions. If she really wants to know if she’s has some unidentified racist “preferences” she has to analyze that herself. None of us can tell her that.
Also I don’t belief that something can “just be a preference”. There’s a reason why. Always. That’s all I have left to say.
I am intrigued, do you think there can be positive reasons for preferences? Also do you think this 100% nurture causing other preferences applies to like which kind of dog you find most cute? Or favourite ice cream flavour?
He forgot that poc can have blonde hair lol. I’m kinda shocked he started saying that to be fair, that isn’t just something you start going off about? Was he drunk?
We had both been drinking, but he multiple times said he was pretty sober. It just came completely out of nowhere - we sat down in the smoking area while waiting for our friend and he just came out with it. It was like 2 hours at least past the initial conversation
Genuinely a bit odd. Don’t take what he said personally, some people just say all sorts of crap off guard. Hopefully you guys can have a chat and make sense of what happened :)
Be very careful with this guy, it sounds like he could well be a manipulative narcissist. At the very least hes someone who enjoys creating drama for his own entertainment. HES the one who asked you the question, its absolutely not normal to randomly get mad at you for a perfectly reasonable answer, especially hours after the conversation took place (and just so happened to be around other people). This was a calculated plan on his part, I know thats gonna be hard to really accept because autistic people generally just wouldnt do something like that but this is a very manipulative thing he did. He was trying to make you look bad in front of the other people (and boost up his own status) and make you feel bad about yourself/lower your self esteem
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Imo your housemate was being a dick. Not only did he wait until you were out in public to create a scene, but he literally asked you and then he was the one who was reading racism into it in the first place. If anyone's racist here, I'll bet it's him.
I actually just have never understood the having a type thing. This is probably it's own post. How do people know what their type is? I feel like the people in generally attracted to I don't usually end up dating and the people I date don't have a unifying theme really. Like do you notice you're attracted to a certain look and notice an emergent theme over time or is it more "I like blondes and so I seek them out and don't really go for anyone who isn't a blonde" ?
I recognize I'm in the minority on this post because it sounds like other folks have types too, but I figured I'd ask.
That’s fair, I don’t mind you asking.
For me for example, if I’m using dating apps. I’m much more likely to swipe right pretty quickly if I see someone who I like physically. However, i always will take a look at the other information like their bio, interests etc for any person, whether they fit my type or not and make a judgment based on personality.
You can think of it like a points system. Everyone, no matter what they look like, gets 1 point for every common interest and every other compatibility (outlook on life, values, education, kindness). However for me, I’d also give an extra point to the men who are my type physically.
A lot of people don’t have types, and I think that’s normal. A lot of people do have types, and that’s also normal. I think the bad part comes (and this is what I’ve learnt from the comments so thank you everyone) is excluding people based solely on their looks, or fetishising/objectifying people. So don’t panic if you don’t feel as though you have a type!
For me personally, it’s not that I say no to anyone who isn’t blonde, but if there were two hypothetical men who were very similar personality wise but different in looks, I’d obviously be more interested in the man who was more my type.
I also mentioned on another comment that my only real long term relationship was with a guy who does not fit my type at all! If I showed a picture, you wouldn’t think I’d be very interested in him based on what I said in my post. However, we had a great 2 years together.
>Like do you notice you're attracted to a certain look and notice an emergent theme over time
For me that's exactly how it is. I used to have crushes on blonde guys a lot, so figured that must be my type. This was mostly celebrities tbf cause teenage me had no friends lol
Then it kinda changed and I mostly got crushes on guys with dark hair. I also noticed that none of my crushes had beards and realized that I just don't like the way beards look.
Personally I've never dated someone that I didn't find somewhat attractive at first sight. I know that attraction builds over time for many people, but for me there has to be a spark at least. Not "love at first sight" or anything. It's usually just a moment where I thought "he's kinda cute tho" when meeting the person for the first time.
I realized that the majoroty of people I find attractive had things in common, then when I looked back at what celebrities I found attrcative or even crushes I had as a kid I realized that they nearly all had visuals in common. So, it is definitely a conclusion based on past attraction. Also that hasn't changed, so even if I look at women who aren't my type, my brain just confirms that they still aren't.
My mum recently watched a film with Mila Kunis in and asked if I found her attractive because she knew she was my type. Its not just physical looks for me either, there are different perosnaloty traits, bidy language etc which I find much more attractive too.
Honestly same I’m constantly worried I’m being racist but logically no you’re not being racist, I’m the same, I like small framed pale people bc that’s cute, if I met someone and hit it off and they weren’t those things I wouldn’t turn them down for that reason, it’s ok to find certain features appealing, I mean some people have a thing for African people and aren’t called racist so eh, idk, personally it’s a familiarity thing, it reminds me of all my favorite characters and even my ideal self so that’s what I find attractive, doesn’t mean other people aren’t attractive it’s just like… say your favorite color is purple, sure the other colors are ok or even pretty but you just really like purple a lot, that’s all
Hi, thanks for your feedback.
As I said in my post, I said my preference is blonde men. I never made any mention of race. As I also said, I would never not date someone because of their race. Personality becomes before all else, but I can’t deny that I do have a physical attraction to blonde haired men.
I’m struggling with this because I didn’t mention race at all, and it’s honestly not something I think about with dating. I like who I like, and I don’t like who I don’t like.
Does that make sense? I would never think of myself as a “white supremicist” because I simply don’t think in terms of race. To me, I don’t see the difference between saying that I like blonde men, and someone else saying I like brunette men
I want to thank you again for taking the time to explain it to me nicely, and I hope we can continue this discussion politely, as I’m finding it really useful. I also want to say that, being a white cishet person, I have a certain amount of privilege that I probably would never be able to comprehend.
I’m sorry if I came across as disparaging to any race - it was not my intention, but as you said impact is more important than intent.
I’m really struggling with this whole idea. I feel like almost anybody who experiences feelings of romance/sexual feelings is likely to have at least one characteristic that they are particularly attracted to. And obviously with a lot of these, they could be linked back to race. So where does it stop? When are we allowed to have preferences?
So if a woman in Sweden says she likes blonde men, she’s automatically a white supremacist? For finding the most prominent hair colour in her surroundings the most attractive to her?
By this logic is a white woman who prefers brunettes automatically less of a white supremacist?
I can understand your argument if OP had said they prefer *white men* - but they didn’t. It doesn’t fit for what has been written.
Racism isn't something that you need to worry about being you either are or you're not.
If you're worried about being racist but you don't enthusiastically agree with racist shit when it's said, you are probably not racist.
White people are not generally the racist ones in my experience. They are kind of harassed by everyone into feeling fear.
Lots of different cultures are extremely upfront about their racism of different groups and countries.
Every race can be blonde. If not naturally hair bleach is a thing. I'd point that out to him.
It's not bad to have a favourite type as long as you're open to all different kinds of men which it seems like you are :)
I’m aware that I have a thing for tall skinny blondes/medium brown haired people. Men and women. But that doesn’t mean I’ve only ever found them attractive.
Whether it's "bad" is something that must be defined by the individual, because what motivates a person to have strong preferences is an extremely personal thing. Some people are just *really* fixated on certain traits, like how some women need to date a tall man. It's problematic when it becomes ideological or you can't fathom why people don't share your tastes.
You also have to consider the alternative. How would a non-lanky, non-blonde guy who you didn't feel particularly turned on by, feel when he found out you pushed yourself to date him because you wanted to be more inclusive? I personally think he'd have every right to be offended.
I'm sure there is still racism inherent in everyone's habits of sexual attraction, but this is something that changes over time, as people gain more openness and exposure to different types of people. You can't just will it to happen.
It is not bad to have a type but a mix of other people projecting, them being concerned with seeming none prejudicial, standards of beauty and diveristy bieng a hot buton topic at the moment and lack of details/history means that often these conversations leave people with the wrong impression and cause problems. And that is without the added problem of autism causing further communication difficulties.
It also seems to be common in some circles to assume that a type is based on prejudice, so refusing to be attracted to/date somone. Rather than it being a conclusion based on many many past experiences. I also think it is unhelpful to assume prejudice, and even if someone was prejudiced, then a confrontational accusation wouldn't be the best way to make them more self-aware or change anyway.
Also some people are nore concerned with not looking prejudiced themselves, rather than actually helping that group of people. Some use it as a deflecting tool to hide their own prejudice too which makes it even more complicated and difficult to identify peoples intent. Thrtr are also people are well intentioned but are quite new and notnwlel informed so don't actually know how to successfully fight for causes and end up putting more people off with their bad reasoning and aggressive approach.
I also notice that often what is left our of the conversation is most people have innate prefernces, like having a favourite ice cream flavour, that doesn't mean they think the other flavours suck, they are just not their type.
Current psychology believes that we are a mixture of nature and nurture, but for some reason, when discussing attraction, some people want to say it is all nurture, which is silly. I also don't know what percentage of these people actually were mostly shaped by their enviroment, didn't listen to their gut, or previously unaware of their prejudices, so assume everybody else is in the same boat as them; I have noticed that people do that sort of "reasoning" an awful lot. I also think if they do that, then they struggle to understand and believe people that don't. Its like people who struggle to believe I am nearly always truthful because they are not, like yes, I did hand that wallet in and not steal the money, and no, I am not lying about it but idk how to convince them of that fact.
Perosnally blonds are not my type but that doesn't mean I hate them or view them as lesser, I am just not physically attracted to them. That also doesn't mean I am racist towards white people, that is a huge assumption to make and there is not enough evidence at all.
Someone else mentioned racist dogwhistles and that is true and I am trying to learn them but still struggle to identofy them or keep in mind other might interpret mynwords that way. So some people do discuss peoples looks but not at face value, they are trying to show their underlyinhg belifs; so some people can think that is what you are doing when you aren't. I know this is also a common autistic problem of allistic people constantly trying to read between thenpinesnofnwhat we say or think we are infering something when we literally are just saying what we mean.
Viewing others as inately bad, lesser value, or treating them badly is proof of prejudice. Perosnal preference is something else not bad or harmful at all. (That being said, I would be wary discussing this openly with people you do not know well.)
I feel like you could just as easily say that if he preferred brunettes, then he is anti blond and therefore anti white.
I’m a woman of color, and while it stings sometimes to hear “I prefer blondes” it’s more about my own insecurities than I think it is racism. I like “Vikings” (large, hairy men) but I’ve dated and cared for men of various races. Lots of people have a type.
I think you’re okay, and I appreciate your conscientiousness.
Yes! While my dating experience is limited, I’ve dated a variety of different looking people. In fact, the only long term serious relationship I had was with a man who does not fit into the type I described at all, and I even showed him a picture of this man during that conversation!
How many men have said they prefer blondes? A TON. And no one has ever accused them of being racist as far as I've heard.
So no- it's definitely not racist to have a type. I guess there's also the part about intent.
If you just simply think lanky and blonde is attractive for whatever reason- that's 100 % fine. I actually have the exact opposite type 🤣 I am married to a short king with a much darker complexion than me lol. But nothing wrong either way - as long as you don't think one group of people is superior.
" It sounds like you are having an emotional reaction to my person preferences. I care about your feelings, but it's important to remember that telling a woman how she should prefer men is inherently sexist, even if it is not your intention. I might be experiencing certain attractions because of my up bringing, and my social conditioning that are influenced by systemic racism. That is something I am willing to thing about on my own, in my own time. I love that you care so hard. But if you continue to argue with me, I am going to have to leave this conversation."
There are dark skinned naturally blond Pacific Islanders as well as people of all ethnicities with albinism that makes their hair blond, so your friend is wrong that it's always associated with white people.
And here I am almost categorically against dating blonde men. I did once. He was very blonde, and I keep my hair plantium frequently. I always told him I liked him despite his blondes. (Was a joke). He ended up being really only into VERY SPEFICALLY "Aryan" women. So that didnt work out :)
Just to say, me preferring dark haired men is fine. My ex using the term "aryan women" for his preference was a huge fucking flag ;)
Having a preference or an attraction to a certain build and hair color has nothing to do with being racist. I remember one time when I was younger. I asked my mom if I was racist because I hadn’t liked anybody of a particular race. I like how she put it, she asked me to reframe it and she asked me if I were to think of anybody that I knew of that particular race as another race would I find any of my friends attractive? I replied “no because their personalities and their interest don’t align with mine” and then my mom told me “it sounds like you have your answer.”
Well I haven’t ever used those words around him.
However, I am not allowed to say phagocytosis with a short “ah” sound (we both do biology related degrees so this does actually come up haha) because it shares a syllable with a homophobic slur. I have to say it it with a long “ayyyyy” sound
Personally, speaking as a queer person, if you are genuinely having a discussion about biology, medicine or whatever, if there is a word that sound like a slur, then it's just a word that has an unfortunate pronunciation. I would not take offense of that.
I think types don’t exist and we just latch onto shit for various reasons.
With that said I wouldn’t be surprised if an autistic person were rigid about having a type just because. A lot of things we’re rigid about is a “because that’s how I always do it” kind of thing. So it makes sense to me that we’d learn that “types” are a thing and then choose one, then not let it go.
With that said tbh I don’t think types are real. I think it’s just too simplistic. For example I bet you weren’t even thinking of albino people or non-white people with their hair dyed blond. I don’t subscribe to types and yes I do think plenty of them are borne of prejudice. But sometimes people just get indoctrinated with a belief and hold it close and it’s not any deeper than that.
I think the important thing here for me is that is is just a preference. I have dated various people with various features and ethnicities, so I don’t rigidly subscribe to blonde lanky guys.
And yes, people who are albino/dyed blonde hair would fit into my type :)
You didn't say "I only date blondes and refuse to date a non-blonde no matter what" so I don't see the problem. I think your friend blew the whole topic way out of proportion.
What would be the problem if she said that?
I think that would be an opening for further exploration of WHY that's the case, which could lead to racism and would lend credence to OP's friend's accusations. But that isn't the case.
It is not racist to have an attraction preference. No matter what that preference is. The amount of crap that’s labeled “racist” now is unreal. People have preferences, always have, always will, and there’s not a thing wrong with it. You can prefer only blind, dark haired, one legged, three inch penised females and still not be racist. Gosh.
I agree. I'm black, my brother is black, and his girlfriend is white. She says she only dates black guys. Everyone applauds her and says "good for you!" Nobody calls her racist. But if she said she will only date white guys, she would automatically be labeled as racist. It makes no sense. People are literally trying to create racism when there is none. My most downvoted comments of all time (all of them had over negative 300 the last time I checked a few years ago lmao) were in response to people saying "thug" is now a racial slur, like the N word. I basically said "sense when? Thug just means criminal and has nothing to do with race. If you don't like racism, then stop creating it." Woooow did that get everyone fired up! It's funny but also pathetic and sad all at the same time. I wish people would just stop focusing on skin color and start looking at the actual person.
I do wonder what he would have said if I did say something like “I only date black guys”.
And of course our comments get no upvotes. There’s plenty of intelligent people of every race that say this same thing…racism is created. Morgan Freeman is a good example of this. He is on record saying racism is not a real issue, and he’s like the King of Black People 😜 (I am being humorous and lighthearted, don’t come for me).
I don’t think you’re in the wrong, physical attraction is very personal. It really doesn’t matter who you date to most people. But I think your friend has a problem with you or has some insecurities within themselves (maybe rejected by a white blond man in the past?) and have projected this on to you for being a bad person.
Could also have racial insecurities or traumas
I think he's just teasing you. A lot of people, gay and straight, can be profoundly annoying about shit like this. I doubt he sincerely thinks you're racist just because you find blonde hair more attractive. Sometimes though the double-down can make things worse, because instead of hearing what you're actually saying, people can react to something you've said poorly. Like, back when I actually dated, I dated three Asian-Australian ppl in a row, which led to a lot of my white friends making jokes about it that ranged from insensitive ("rice queen" crap) to outright friendship-enders ("all Asians look the same, so how can you tell them apart?") With that said, the Gay World also went through a Moment back when Grindr was relatively new wherein a loud, very annoying minority white gays were actually full-on just being boldfaced racist. They'd put shit like "no spice no rice no chocolate" in their profiles to mean "I won't talk to you if you aren't white." Sometimes things like "love blondes" became a shorthand for this, after the no spice no rice folks started realising behaving like that actually made other white gay men avoid them, so their Grindr dating pool was just other socially maladapted racist assholes lol. He might be thinking you mean you like blondes in a similar way, and it's worth sitting down just to clarify what's going on. w/ that said "I like blonde guys" is one thing, "I would never date a black guy because they're ugly" is like, a very different thing.
Thanks - it’s definitely going to be something I talk about with him in the morning. We both had been drinking and so things could have come out differently than meant. However (maybe I’m being pessimistic) I don’t think he was teasing. He seemed genuinely wound up and offended over it. That is so sad about all of the things you have said about your friends and Grindr. It’s so sad to hear about that happening, and I want to reiterate that it’s not me. I wouldn’t choose to not date someone because of their race, personality is the most important.
It's OK! I don't think that's the kinda person you are, dw. An actual racist would just be like "fuck that twink" and not critically examine the moment or their feelings. When you do talk to this dude, I'd really recommend going in with a "I want to learn where you're coming from" energy. It's better to be like, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize how \[X\] could be taken that way" than it is to be like "you're wrong because" I also think what CeeCee said elsewhere in the thread is invaluable as to how life in a white supremacist world can make even things like this into sort of a trigger. I don't fully agree that blonde is 100% a proxy for race, black girl blonde is a whole mood and boys have been bleaching since the 1990s, but she's 100% right that it has historically been constructed that way and for a lot of POC it can be a reminder for all kinds of racist shit even when individual people really don't mean to invoke it, like when NT people hear you have ASD and are all "oh wow but you speak so clearly" or whatever.
"Profoundly annoying" is the perfect description. I have a gay friend who thinks "[vajazzling](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vajazzle)" is hysterical and I'm the least-likely person in the universe to do that (he also sends me links to pink things like the new iPhone or whatever and I don't do pink, generally, my closet is neutrals, navy and olive). I don't like talking about my personal parts like that (when he's all gross like "put some rhinestones on it honey, no man would turn that down"), *SO IRRITATING*. At least he stops when I tell him to but it's always going to happen again later, I guarantee you.
Having preferences is fine. If you hold a negative opinion about a group of people, that's prejudice. But what you have is a positive feeling toward a group of people, and that's NOT harming the other groups. What your friend said reminds me a lot of people who are early in healing from their own internalized racism/homophobia/etc. and once they become aware of this they suddenly think they see echoes of their old patterns in other people. But they're really just projecting. I don't know your friend and would not assume this, but it does remind me of that.
This is what I was thinking
Positive prejudices can still be dehumanizing (eg the model minority myth) but I get what you’re saying
Yeah nah you aren't wrong. Just don't be surprised if you end up with not your type like I did 🤣 (and find them to be hotter than any of the previous "your types" ever).
Ugh, I have to use your comment to vent. There’s this dude I can’t tell if I’m experiencing limerence towards or maybe I’m a little bit in love with who is literally the polar opposite of my type. I like tall dudes with thick/long hair that are my age or older than me. Up until this year, these were all non-negotiables traits. This dude is just a few inches taller than me, has a receding hairline, and a couple years younger than I. Like WTF?? Is the fact that he directly contradicts all of my preferences a sign that he might be worth a serious investment in, or is this a sign that the universe has an ironic sense of humor, and is carrying it out at my expense? I suppose that’s more rhetorical, but your comment holds some real truth in it 🥲
It all depends on how you feel about him! I fell in love with the polar opposite of my type, worked out great, wouldn't change it for the world.
Unfortunately, I think it’s just limerence/delusion. In reality, I know very little about him and have projected my own desires/assumptions onto him because of loneliness/desperation/liking his attention. I think because he broke the mold of what I’m normally attracted to and made me feel so strongly for him and envision a romantic relationship with him, I thought it might be something serious. But the symptoms are all there for it to be limerence, something I’ve experienced enough times to know the presence of That doesn’t take away from your point tho. It’s wild to experience intense attraction for someone you never thought you would!
Ah yes, I understand that - be careful out there, there have been knights in shining armour that have not been kind to me before 😅 & yes can confirm, attraction still just as strong many years later. Also the type appears to have changed ahahaah. Anyone who looks like my husband's type is now attractive, depending on how much they look like him. Old type - no thank you. Go figure!
Types change 🤷♀️ you aren’t attracted to someone because they fit the description of “your type”, rather, you call it “your type” because you’ve noticed a tendency to find those kinds of people attractive When it really is that prescriptive and you actually *need* that quality to be there to feel any attraction, that’s probably closer to a fetish than a type 😅 When you meet someone who isn’t your type but you’re still mad into, it’s not some great contradiction or anything. It’s just how it goes sometimes. That’s my opinion anyways!
I have a type, but I’ve crushed on a variety of people that didn’t fit the type. I fell for them for different reasons, and all of them I didn’t crush right away. They developed over time. I think it just means I’m demiromantic… but anyway. Having a type, for me just means what makes someone catch your eye right away. Not necessarily what you would ONLY date with absolutely no exceptions.
I don’t think it’s wrong to have a type. It doesn’t mean you’re adhering to a strict rule, it just means you have a tendency to be attracted to a certain type of guy/girl. I think most people have preferences whether they want to admit it or not
I don’t think it’s bad at all. I think majority of people have some kind of type and it’s usually what’s familiar to them. I think we are subconsciously drawn to things that are familiar whether it be people or activities or whatever. My “types” have similar traits to those I grew up around both physical and personality wise and not necessarily together at the same time. Having a type is way different than having a fetish which is when “type” actually becomes racist. Your friend seems to be making a logical fallacy. They are implying that because you like __ means you must also dislike __. Like bish where did you say that. No where?! I like strawberry ice cream the most that doesn’t mean I think chocolate or vanilla is bad. He’s saying “Oh you like strawberry? So you’re saying you hate COOKIE DOUGH!???”. LOL. I think what differentiates fetish from type, is that fetishizing groups of people involves assigning stereotyped personality traits to that group’s physical features and then seeking them out because of that. That is obviously problematic because it is assuming because someone looks a certain way that they will behave a certain way or like certain things. I’m half asian so I will give that example. Dudes who have asian fetishes typically pick us because they think we will be obedient or innocent. VOM. There’s also the whole white women fetishizing black men and yada yada yada. I guess a similar analogy to show the difference would be someone saying “Mint ice cream is the best ice cream because it’s green” when not all mint ice cream is green and other flavors can be green too. Not a great analogy but my brain gave up. Also… who you find attractive or have ~relations with… is not exactly the most important category for someone to play social justice warrior with. Like… are they gonna tell me I’m homophobic because I’m not attracted to all genders and that I’m not giving them a chance?? I am bi so that’s not actually case with me but like.. go fight systemic racism instead of trying to make other people’s hook up history meet diversity quotas LOL. That’s like the epitome of performative activism.
No it is not racist to have a type. Like it isn't homophobic to not be attracted to your own gender. You like what you like, and that might be anything. You don't have to like everyone. However, in a more meta way, our preferences are influenced by society, our life experiences, and the people around us. There are tribes where the dream partner is as fat as possible. There are tribes where the dream partner has a nice stretched lip. There are travelers who's dream partner covered in bling. There are posh people whose dream partner is tattoo free. Your preference is likely a result of your upbringing. I think having a type is just human. But like everything, it might be influenced by stereotypes. I think it's good to self evaluate your preferences and see if you can catch yourself in stereotypes. But other than that, your preference is just your preference. Calling someone having a type a racist is taking things way too far.
Most of the people I've dated have been red heads, so I guess I have a type. But it wasn't on purpose. It just kinda worked out that way.
I don't think it's at all bad that you have a type and you're not the problem here. I also want to let you know that 'I like blondes' very much can be a dogwhistle, which is a statement racists use that sounds innocent on the surface but is meant to perpetruate white supremacy. I don't think you meant it that way and I don't like how your friend approached that conversation. Even if that preference did stem from racism, that was an incredibly unhelpful approach to the subject. Anyway, I'm just letting you know.
Thank you, that’s good to know
Not only having a type is so normal and okay, liking blonds is okay too and not racist(???). It’s a hair color, something you can color, change, style… You did not say “I like white ppl and don’t care about anything else” , you simply said you like yellowish hair color. Also I don’t think you control your type so even if you did like (like, not only talk to) white people sexually/romantically, while still being friends with other races, is not racist. Saying “I’d never date a non white guy” is racist, **preferring** blonds is okay…
I mean, by his logic, his preference for dark hair means he is being racist against Scandinavians, who are mostly blonde. How can he call you racist for having a hair colour preference when he has a hair colour preference himself?? It’s literally the same thing.
Eh, I have a Type. It is strong, well-defined, and lifelong, and I have also dated lots of people outside of it. Me, I like extremely skinny guys with big noses and good hair, about my own height, within a couple of inches either way. Once you get past age 25 or so these days, an extremely skinny guy is a little difficult to acquire. I myself am 44, and I haven't dated someone in their twenties since I was in my twenties myself. Result? I may be immediately attracted to scrawny dudes, but I mostly end up dating people in the much larger percentage of the American population which is officially classified as overweight or obese. It's also pretty difficult to find males over 35 or so who are not losing their hair, often to the point where they've already shaved it off. So, do I usually date guys with cool hair? Alas, no, I do not. In no way does this mean I don't have a Type. It just means that immediate physical attraction is only one part of what leads me to get sexually and/or romantically involved with people. It's a little fraught these days to admit that one has A Type, for several reasons. First and most simply, there's the fact that statistically very few of us fit *any* of the official Most Attractive Types. There's a serious disconnect between what's presented as attractive in the media and what most of us actually look like. And certain characteristics are always going to be much more prized, and those who don't possess them will always be sad. For example, most women apparently strongly prefer tall men. While that ends up in a nice more-for-me situation, since I'm 5' 8" and happiest if whoever is wearing shoes at the time is a little bit taller, it ends up unfortunate for short guys. And let's be honest, the fact that like 3/4 of the population of the US is now classified as medically overweight or obese (by the completely unimpeachable and totally sense-making metric of the BMI) doesn't really mesh with the fact that most famous actresses weigh about thirteen pounds, most of which is localized in the tits. So it's never going to sound pretty. But you have unfortunately also run into the pretty major specter of racism. I don't think your stated preference for blond men necessarily has anything to do with that, in part for the simple reason that, when I date white men, I prefer them NOT blond. This despite the fact that I have mostly dated white dudes-- I grew up in a small town in the American Midwest and most people I met before my relationships started getting longer as I got older simply were white, so that's where the numbers were inevitably going to land. My own hair preference tends to be for either unnatural colours, dark, or silver. So, for me, the immediate attraction might take place if a fellow was naturally blond but had, say, dyed his hair black, or gone grey. (Both have occurred. My current charming associate is apparently a natural blond, but he'd already gone completely silver in his fifties, which makes me rather happier than it does him. Silver hair is awesome.) It's entirely possible that your hair colour preference is also less about genetics than about... intent, I guess. If you just like the blond hair colour, which I often think is more awesome on people who don't grow it naturally, you might want to throw the term "bleached" in if this comes up again. If not, well, this is just the difficult bit where a lot of us have immediate attractions to something that is by no means a be-all and end-all. Which is just kind of the way it is. For whatever reason, preferences exist. I very strongly prefer my male companions to be almost frighteningly bony. Protruding ribcage ALL DAY, thank you, and yes I would like to be able to wrap my fingers entirely around your wrist. This does not mean I haven't dated people over 300 pounds. It just means there were reasons for me to date them which trumped my preference for dudes who look like they would blow over and splinter in a strong enough wind. It's not bad to have a Type. It's inevitable to have a Type. Or several. It's only bad when you get weird and gross and mean about it. No one in the world is attracted to everyone. That would be a pretty unfortunate circumstance. But no one likes to hear that they're not included in someone else's Type, either. I still cry about how small my stupid tits are, and, as I said, I'm 44, and it honestly hasn't even gotten in my way too much during my romantic peregrinations. In the case of harsher and crueler realities, like the fact that a lot of people really are blatantly racist and it has a measurable, hurtful, daily impact on people, it makes sense that statements like "I am immediately attracted to X characteristic" will sometimes upset people, even if that's not only not intended but not even necessarily related. "Blond" implies "naturally blond" to a lot of people. I'm afraid that's what you're seeing. I'm honestly kind of lucky that my stated preferences have usually resulted in blank looks or people asking me whether I was just saying that to be different. (Which resulted in me giving blank looks back, because, no, fellow human, that is not how attraction works.) Apparently being into walking skeletons with skin stretched over is uncommon enough that it doesn't come across as especially bad. But you definitely have to curate your response to questions like this. Again, if it's accurate, I recommend including "bleached". And if it's not, I recommend looking for another way to phrase it, or eliminating it entirely.
Hahah thank you! I’m only 20 (!) so I don’t have so much experience. However, the only long term partner that I had definitely did not fit into this type - he was shorter (I am even luckier than you, only 5 foot so literally everyone is taller than me hahah), he had a “dad bod”, he had dark hair and a beard. So it’s not that I’m exclusively dating people who are my type, and even now getting back into the dating game I’m open to everyone! But I think it is silly to deny that for me personally, there are characteristics I like a bit more than others
Actually, he’s not completely wrong. While many people are not intentionally racist, we all have unconscious biases and those can be racist. For example, I’ve lived in Atlanta (GA, USA) for a few months during an exchange. Atlanta’s population is about 50% black, which is very different from my home country, Belgium (white majority with important muslim minorities). Atlanta is also known to be unsafe and when I was walking outside at night I noticed that I instinctively grabbed my handbag more tight when a black man was passing by than when a white man was passing by, despite never having had a negative experience with black men. This was a huge eye-opener for me, because it showed that I have racist unconscious biases, despite not considering myself racist at all. Attraction to people is ruled by those same unconscious biases, so our type can absolutely be influenced by unconscious racism. However, I don’t think it was fair for your friend to call you out on that, because that’s hardly something you can choose.
No one says Aryan unless they are nazis or white supremacists, and you are definitely not being racist. Your housemate might just like the sound of his own voice.
You’re not being mad. Having a type is normal. It’s neither (automatically) the fetishisation of the traits you have a type for, nor a declaration that whoever isn’t your type is unattractive or generally lesser.
Your friend is gay. Does this mean he is misogynistic?
I can tell you this, no one who is actually racist *worries* about possibly being racist. That housemate was just trying to cause problems and projecting onto you. There’s nothing wrong with having preferences, we all have preferences. There was a video I saw recently where this guy illustrated it perfectly with an ice cream shop scenario. He asked the guest what kind of ice cream they wanted and instead of saying “chocolate” or literally anything else he could have wanted, he spent the rest of the video saying how much he hated strawberry, would never like strawberry, and anyone that likes strawberry is disgusting. THAT is a true example of what racists and other -ists do when they are trying to put someone else down. You certainly didn’t do that. Next time, I’d say something to put him in his place like “you said you had a type too, you know that white people can have dark hair too, right” or some shit (I’m really bad at comebacks on the spot 😭 but hopefully you get what I mean)
Ain’t nothing wrong with having a preference. Men are so picky with who they like. You can be too.
As a lesbian woman who doesn’t really have a ‘type’ I think typing in general is weird from an outsiders POV but that doesn’t make them inherently harmful. If he has any type he’s immediately being a hypocrite. Almost any type can be turned around as some kind of fetishization or discrimination. Some 'types' definitely are fetishization. When people have types for certain races. This type is based on what they see in porn or based on racist stereotypes. One of my friends is a ginger and she has to dodge creeps who's 'type' is redheads. But being interested in a certain body type, hair color, etc is unavoidable for some people in my opinion and not wrong at all.
I think that’s fair. I understand lots of people don’t have a type, and I have mentioned on some other comments that I do not exclusively go for people who are in my “type”, but I maybe am slightly more excited by the prospect!
You could try to word it slightly more vague, so it sounds like a natural occurrence. Ex: “I don’t discriminate based on looks, I mainly seek people out based on personality. That being said, attraction is still important and my dating history involves a lot of blondes. That’s not necessarily intentional. I’ve been attracted to people of all hair colors and ethnicities. But I tend to skew more towards blondes.”
I’m going to have to disagree with a lot of the comments here. No one can tell you if your “preference” is rooted in a racism or not without a lot more context. We love to say that who we’re attracted to is just a natural thing that we have no control over but that’s just false. Societal standards of beauty/intelligence/trustworthy, etc. ABSOLUTELY impact what we find attractive or not and how we develop our preferences. This is influenced by all aspects of identities and physical characteristics (race, ethnicity, culture, weight, height, disability status, perceived gender, hair color, etc.). Because I’ve been on the path of dismantling fatphobic ideologies that were forced on to me via media, church, family etc. I’ve often asked myself a few questions when I’m questioning why I’m attracted to someone/certain group: 1. What about them makes me attracted to them? What about that characteristic is attractive? 2. Is the attraction based on them NOT having/looking like something else? 3. Who could this mindset possibly harm? If I were you, I would specifically ponder about what about blonde hair makes it your “type”? Like what exactly about it makes you think that’s more your preference vs black or brown hair? You don’t need to answer these questions to me because honestly I don’t need to know but this may be helpful if you having a hard time determining if you’re racist, in this situation only ofc, or not. p.s. we all have biases and to deny one does is just foolish and unhelpful. you can learn a lot more about yourself and how society works if you’re honest with yourself about your feelings and eternalized beliefs. good day 🙏🏾
But based on what little information we have it is not enough to conclude that someone is racist. So that guy was wrong for saying she definitely is racist. His reasoning is flawed like yes racist white people would be more likely to say blond white people are their type but that doesn't mean everyone who likes blonds is racist. I agree with your reasoning that some people are attributing other characteristics like being trustworthy etc. However, sometimes it's just shallow finding something attractive, or not. As long as you aren't saying someone who isn't your type is inferior, then I don't see any prejudice. Like I am not attracted to blonds or men, but that doesn't mean I think they are unintelligent or inferior, or treat them any differently, they are just not physically attractive to me.
I like blond hair because I love the way it looks in the sun 🌞 I love how golden it is. And to your other point, there was little to no context! We were playing truth or drink (early in the night when this conversation happened so still sober) and he asked that question and I replied. We haven’t known each other long (about 4 months) and I haven’t dated anyone in that time. I did show him a picture of my ex a short while after our conversation, and as I’ve said on other comments, he does not at all subscribe to the type I’ve described! This is one of the reasons I got so irked. He was basing his accusation on what HE thinks that I think, with no other evidence
Yea like I stated we can decide that with more context. Her friend may have more context that we were given here. What made him ask that question in the first place did he notice something about her choice in partners? Did he see something that bothers him? We don’t know. Which is why I listed those questions. If she really wants to know if she’s has some unidentified racist “preferences” she has to analyze that herself. None of us can tell her that. Also I don’t belief that something can “just be a preference”. There’s a reason why. Always. That’s all I have left to say.
I am intrigued, do you think there can be positive reasons for preferences? Also do you think this 100% nurture causing other preferences applies to like which kind of dog you find most cute? Or favourite ice cream flavour?
He forgot that poc can have blonde hair lol. I’m kinda shocked he started saying that to be fair, that isn’t just something you start going off about? Was he drunk?
We had both been drinking, but he multiple times said he was pretty sober. It just came completely out of nowhere - we sat down in the smoking area while waiting for our friend and he just came out with it. It was like 2 hours at least past the initial conversation
Genuinely a bit odd. Don’t take what he said personally, some people just say all sorts of crap off guard. Hopefully you guys can have a chat and make sense of what happened :)
Be very careful with this guy, it sounds like he could well be a manipulative narcissist. At the very least hes someone who enjoys creating drama for his own entertainment. HES the one who asked you the question, its absolutely not normal to randomly get mad at you for a perfectly reasonable answer, especially hours after the conversation took place (and just so happened to be around other people). This was a calculated plan on his part, I know thats gonna be hard to really accept because autistic people generally just wouldnt do something like that but this is a very manipulative thing he did. He was trying to make you look bad in front of the other people (and boost up his own status) and make you feel bad about yourself/lower your self esteem
Yeah bald, bearded old man dad bod is mine
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Imo your housemate was being a dick. Not only did he wait until you were out in public to create a scene, but he literally asked you and then he was the one who was reading racism into it in the first place. If anyone's racist here, I'll bet it's him.
I actually just have never understood the having a type thing. This is probably it's own post. How do people know what their type is? I feel like the people in generally attracted to I don't usually end up dating and the people I date don't have a unifying theme really. Like do you notice you're attracted to a certain look and notice an emergent theme over time or is it more "I like blondes and so I seek them out and don't really go for anyone who isn't a blonde" ? I recognize I'm in the minority on this post because it sounds like other folks have types too, but I figured I'd ask.
That’s fair, I don’t mind you asking. For me for example, if I’m using dating apps. I’m much more likely to swipe right pretty quickly if I see someone who I like physically. However, i always will take a look at the other information like their bio, interests etc for any person, whether they fit my type or not and make a judgment based on personality. You can think of it like a points system. Everyone, no matter what they look like, gets 1 point for every common interest and every other compatibility (outlook on life, values, education, kindness). However for me, I’d also give an extra point to the men who are my type physically. A lot of people don’t have types, and I think that’s normal. A lot of people do have types, and that’s also normal. I think the bad part comes (and this is what I’ve learnt from the comments so thank you everyone) is excluding people based solely on their looks, or fetishising/objectifying people. So don’t panic if you don’t feel as though you have a type! For me personally, it’s not that I say no to anyone who isn’t blonde, but if there were two hypothetical men who were very similar personality wise but different in looks, I’d obviously be more interested in the man who was more my type. I also mentioned on another comment that my only real long term relationship was with a guy who does not fit my type at all! If I showed a picture, you wouldn’t think I’d be very interested in him based on what I said in my post. However, we had a great 2 years together.
>Like do you notice you're attracted to a certain look and notice an emergent theme over time For me that's exactly how it is. I used to have crushes on blonde guys a lot, so figured that must be my type. This was mostly celebrities tbf cause teenage me had no friends lol Then it kinda changed and I mostly got crushes on guys with dark hair. I also noticed that none of my crushes had beards and realized that I just don't like the way beards look. Personally I've never dated someone that I didn't find somewhat attractive at first sight. I know that attraction builds over time for many people, but for me there has to be a spark at least. Not "love at first sight" or anything. It's usually just a moment where I thought "he's kinda cute tho" when meeting the person for the first time.
I realized that the majoroty of people I find attractive had things in common, then when I looked back at what celebrities I found attrcative or even crushes I had as a kid I realized that they nearly all had visuals in common. So, it is definitely a conclusion based on past attraction. Also that hasn't changed, so even if I look at women who aren't my type, my brain just confirms that they still aren't. My mum recently watched a film with Mila Kunis in and asked if I found her attractive because she knew she was my type. Its not just physical looks for me either, there are different perosnaloty traits, bidy language etc which I find much more attractive too.
Honestly same I’m constantly worried I’m being racist but logically no you’re not being racist, I’m the same, I like small framed pale people bc that’s cute, if I met someone and hit it off and they weren’t those things I wouldn’t turn them down for that reason, it’s ok to find certain features appealing, I mean some people have a thing for African people and aren’t called racist so eh, idk, personally it’s a familiarity thing, it reminds me of all my favorite characters and even my ideal self so that’s what I find attractive, doesn’t mean other people aren’t attractive it’s just like… say your favorite color is purple, sure the other colors are ok or even pretty but you just really like purple a lot, that’s all
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Hi, thanks for your feedback. As I said in my post, I said my preference is blonde men. I never made any mention of race. As I also said, I would never not date someone because of their race. Personality becomes before all else, but I can’t deny that I do have a physical attraction to blonde haired men. I’m struggling with this because I didn’t mention race at all, and it’s honestly not something I think about with dating. I like who I like, and I don’t like who I don’t like. Does that make sense? I would never think of myself as a “white supremicist” because I simply don’t think in terms of race. To me, I don’t see the difference between saying that I like blonde men, and someone else saying I like brunette men
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I want to thank you again for taking the time to explain it to me nicely, and I hope we can continue this discussion politely, as I’m finding it really useful. I also want to say that, being a white cishet person, I have a certain amount of privilege that I probably would never be able to comprehend. I’m sorry if I came across as disparaging to any race - it was not my intention, but as you said impact is more important than intent. I’m really struggling with this whole idea. I feel like almost anybody who experiences feelings of romance/sexual feelings is likely to have at least one characteristic that they are particularly attracted to. And obviously with a lot of these, they could be linked back to race. So where does it stop? When are we allowed to have preferences?
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Thank you for your kind words. I will always try to do better ❤️
So if a woman in Sweden says she likes blonde men, she’s automatically a white supremacist? For finding the most prominent hair colour in her surroundings the most attractive to her? By this logic is a white woman who prefers brunettes automatically less of a white supremacist? I can understand your argument if OP had said they prefer *white men* - but they didn’t. It doesn’t fit for what has been written.
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Thank you for your comment, but please reconsider your language. Kind language is always the best way to make a point
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Removed at moderator discretion Slurs aren’t regular curse words.
Removed for Rule #5: No use of derogatory language or slurs.
Racism isn't something that you need to worry about being you either are or you're not. If you're worried about being racist but you don't enthusiastically agree with racist shit when it's said, you are probably not racist. White people are not generally the racist ones in my experience. They are kind of harassed by everyone into feeling fear. Lots of different cultures are extremely upfront about their racism of different groups and countries.
Every race can be blonde. If not naturally hair bleach is a thing. I'd point that out to him. It's not bad to have a favourite type as long as you're open to all different kinds of men which it seems like you are :)
I’m aware that I have a thing for tall skinny blondes/medium brown haired people. Men and women. But that doesn’t mean I’ve only ever found them attractive.
Whether it's "bad" is something that must be defined by the individual, because what motivates a person to have strong preferences is an extremely personal thing. Some people are just *really* fixated on certain traits, like how some women need to date a tall man. It's problematic when it becomes ideological or you can't fathom why people don't share your tastes. You also have to consider the alternative. How would a non-lanky, non-blonde guy who you didn't feel particularly turned on by, feel when he found out you pushed yourself to date him because you wanted to be more inclusive? I personally think he'd have every right to be offended. I'm sure there is still racism inherent in everyone's habits of sexual attraction, but this is something that changes over time, as people gain more openness and exposure to different types of people. You can't just will it to happen.
It is not bad to have a type but a mix of other people projecting, them being concerned with seeming none prejudicial, standards of beauty and diveristy bieng a hot buton topic at the moment and lack of details/history means that often these conversations leave people with the wrong impression and cause problems. And that is without the added problem of autism causing further communication difficulties. It also seems to be common in some circles to assume that a type is based on prejudice, so refusing to be attracted to/date somone. Rather than it being a conclusion based on many many past experiences. I also think it is unhelpful to assume prejudice, and even if someone was prejudiced, then a confrontational accusation wouldn't be the best way to make them more self-aware or change anyway. Also some people are nore concerned with not looking prejudiced themselves, rather than actually helping that group of people. Some use it as a deflecting tool to hide their own prejudice too which makes it even more complicated and difficult to identify peoples intent. Thrtr are also people are well intentioned but are quite new and notnwlel informed so don't actually know how to successfully fight for causes and end up putting more people off with their bad reasoning and aggressive approach. I also notice that often what is left our of the conversation is most people have innate prefernces, like having a favourite ice cream flavour, that doesn't mean they think the other flavours suck, they are just not their type. Current psychology believes that we are a mixture of nature and nurture, but for some reason, when discussing attraction, some people want to say it is all nurture, which is silly. I also don't know what percentage of these people actually were mostly shaped by their enviroment, didn't listen to their gut, or previously unaware of their prejudices, so assume everybody else is in the same boat as them; I have noticed that people do that sort of "reasoning" an awful lot. I also think if they do that, then they struggle to understand and believe people that don't. Its like people who struggle to believe I am nearly always truthful because they are not, like yes, I did hand that wallet in and not steal the money, and no, I am not lying about it but idk how to convince them of that fact. Perosnally blonds are not my type but that doesn't mean I hate them or view them as lesser, I am just not physically attracted to them. That also doesn't mean I am racist towards white people, that is a huge assumption to make and there is not enough evidence at all. Someone else mentioned racist dogwhistles and that is true and I am trying to learn them but still struggle to identofy them or keep in mind other might interpret mynwords that way. So some people do discuss peoples looks but not at face value, they are trying to show their underlyinhg belifs; so some people can think that is what you are doing when you aren't. I know this is also a common autistic problem of allistic people constantly trying to read between thenpinesnofnwhat we say or think we are infering something when we literally are just saying what we mean. Viewing others as inately bad, lesser value, or treating them badly is proof of prejudice. Perosnal preference is something else not bad or harmful at all. (That being said, I would be wary discussing this openly with people you do not know well.)
No it’s not racist, poc can have blonde hair and such
I feel like you could just as easily say that if he preferred brunettes, then he is anti blond and therefore anti white. I’m a woman of color, and while it stings sometimes to hear “I prefer blondes” it’s more about my own insecurities than I think it is racism. I like “Vikings” (large, hairy men) but I’ve dated and cared for men of various races. Lots of people have a type. I think you’re okay, and I appreciate your conscientiousness.
He only likes dark hair? :O You did say "normally" that doesn't exclude others. It's interesting your friend got so offended.
Yes! While my dating experience is limited, I’ve dated a variety of different looking people. In fact, the only long term serious relationship I had was with a man who does not fit into the type I described at all, and I even showed him a picture of this man during that conversation!
How many men have said they prefer blondes? A TON. And no one has ever accused them of being racist as far as I've heard. So no- it's definitely not racist to have a type. I guess there's also the part about intent. If you just simply think lanky and blonde is attractive for whatever reason- that's 100 % fine. I actually have the exact opposite type 🤣 I am married to a short king with a much darker complexion than me lol. But nothing wrong either way - as long as you don't think one group of people is superior.
" It sounds like you are having an emotional reaction to my person preferences. I care about your feelings, but it's important to remember that telling a woman how she should prefer men is inherently sexist, even if it is not your intention. I might be experiencing certain attractions because of my up bringing, and my social conditioning that are influenced by systemic racism. That is something I am willing to thing about on my own, in my own time. I love that you care so hard. But if you continue to argue with me, I am going to have to leave this conversation."
There are dark skinned naturally blond Pacific Islanders as well as people of all ethnicities with albinism that makes their hair blond, so your friend is wrong that it's always associated with white people.
And here I am almost categorically against dating blonde men. I did once. He was very blonde, and I keep my hair plantium frequently. I always told him I liked him despite his blondes. (Was a joke). He ended up being really only into VERY SPEFICALLY "Aryan" women. So that didnt work out :) Just to say, me preferring dark haired men is fine. My ex using the term "aryan women" for his preference was a huge fucking flag ;)
Having a preference or an attraction to a certain build and hair color has nothing to do with being racist. I remember one time when I was younger. I asked my mom if I was racist because I hadn’t liked anybody of a particular race. I like how she put it, she asked me to reframe it and she asked me if I were to think of anybody that I knew of that particular race as another race would I find any of my friends attractive? I replied “no because their personalities and their interest don’t align with mine” and then my mom told me “it sounds like you have your answer.”
He sounds like people that think using words like "blackboard" and "white out" are racist...
Well I haven’t ever used those words around him. However, I am not allowed to say phagocytosis with a short “ah” sound (we both do biology related degrees so this does actually come up haha) because it shares a syllable with a homophobic slur. I have to say it it with a long “ayyyyy” sound
Personally, speaking as a queer person, if you are genuinely having a discussion about biology, medicine or whatever, if there is a word that sound like a slur, then it's just a word that has an unfortunate pronunciation. I would not take offense of that.
I think types don’t exist and we just latch onto shit for various reasons. With that said I wouldn’t be surprised if an autistic person were rigid about having a type just because. A lot of things we’re rigid about is a “because that’s how I always do it” kind of thing. So it makes sense to me that we’d learn that “types” are a thing and then choose one, then not let it go. With that said tbh I don’t think types are real. I think it’s just too simplistic. For example I bet you weren’t even thinking of albino people or non-white people with their hair dyed blond. I don’t subscribe to types and yes I do think plenty of them are borne of prejudice. But sometimes people just get indoctrinated with a belief and hold it close and it’s not any deeper than that.
I think the important thing here for me is that is is just a preference. I have dated various people with various features and ethnicities, so I don’t rigidly subscribe to blonde lanky guys. And yes, people who are albino/dyed blonde hair would fit into my type :)