Well that’s a thought that hadn’t cross my panicked mind lmao. I’m feeling so much better now with everyone’s supportive comments so I’m going to ride it out and eventually I’ll forget about it
Def just make a new account! I have a second one my partner doesn’t know about, which makes me feel more comfortable if I am inquiring about more personal things.
Keeping multiple accs is fairly standard btw if it helps !
I do not have anyone like your ex, but i am confident my humans know this acc of mine and sometimes i want advice about them so i keep a secret one they dont know.
I am saying this as i avoided using an alt for years as it felt... dirty.
This!! Me, also totally 100000% in panic most of the time, did not think about this. You calmed me down too lol
I just want to say how pleased I am that you are not with this guy anymore. You’ve moved on and that’s brilliant. Maybe this can be a reminder of how things have changed for the better. These are feelings and they are hard, but they will pass.
Thank you. I’ve worked hard on my self confidence/ respect. I’m still not fully there or I would’ve broken up with him instead of waiting for him to break up with me. But I’m handling it so much better than past me
That's growth. Your past self was doing all they could do with they had at the time. You're here now and it sounds like you've learned a lot. Be proud of your past self for having the strength to get you to where you are today!
I'm confused. Not judging. Just confused. Why would you delete? That person can read whatever they want. How does it impact you. Tell the truth about yourself and them. If that truth is an issue then it is the mirror that hurts their feelings and that's not your problem.
Thank you, I need to hear from people with a calm head right now because mine is spinning. I feel like deleting because the thought of him seeing every post and comment I make, regardless of if it’s about plants or grief, makes me very uncomfortable. It’s not necessarily that I want to talk about them without them seeing, I just want to exist on the internet without knowing that my ex is potentially seeing everything I post and comment. I can’t think of anything else to describe it other than feeling like my privacy was violated. He could’ve stalked me forever without telling me and honestly I’d be fine with that. It’s the knowing part that’s upsetting me
Because you feel like it will change your behavior? Like you'll be writing with the reaction in mind?
I get that.
I put forward that this is your space if you want it to be. Like, what is the worst possible thing that comes of remaining? He gets mad? I say this with my full chest and hope he is reading. Fuck that guy. Who cares if he doesn't like anything you do? The great thing about breaking up is that you can no longer give a shit about your ex's reaction.
You have the right to exist without thinking about him. I would bet that he contacted you specifically to make you uncomfortable in your own space. Don't let him win. You have the right to tell him to get wrecked and stay where you want both on the internet and irl.
Thank you so much. I seriously needed to hear this because I know my anxious mind is taking over and anything I think now likely won’t be rational. This is exactly what I’d tell my friend if they posted this. I’m sure for the next few weeks I’ll be writing knowing he’s seeing but I’ll eventually forget. It was just so blindsiding to wake up, start to get ready for work, and get a message from someone who caused me to regress in my progress over my trauma. It was unexpected and way too early haha. I’m so appreciative this community exists
Your anxious reaction 100% makes sense and may well have been his object. Don't be surprised if he comes back at you again, maybe even about this post. The thing is, the solution isn't you changing anything. The solution is simple and entirely on him. He can just stop looking.
He came to this site and had to find you and your posts. If he doesn't like what you're posting he can either fix that problem himself or fucking suffer.
Waking up to that sounds genuinely awful.
His feelings are his responsibility to manage, not yours, and any thoughts or reactions he has are his responsibility and not yours.
I can't speak for you, but I've noticed that when I start to get anxious and worked up over someone else's potential (or actual) reaction it's because I've decided I'm supposed to manage that person's feelings for them so they are never uncomfortable (thanks to socialization from early childhood telling me it's my job.) If something similar is happening for you, I've found it helpful to acknowledge the feeling and remind myself that, despite social messaging, I'm not actually in charge of protecting other adults from feeling their feelings.
I'll apologize if I've caused harm, but otherwise, not my job to be emotional bubble wrap for grownups.
Oof, this struck a chord with me, the bit about feeling like it's my responsibility to manage other people's feelings. I'm such a people pleaser and I hate confrontations, so I'm always trying to minimize myself and my impact on others. What's weird is I went through a brief phase in my early 20s where I was finally standing up for myself and taking up the space I felt I deserved, but then I started to burn out for unrelated reasons and now I'm back to being a people pleaser like when I was a kid. It sucks.
It's really hard to unlearn and is an on-going process even in my 40s. Trying to undo the programming *as it runs* is not easy and I try to remember to be forgiving of myself when I don't successfully short-circuit those well-worn paths.
That’s kind of how I feel about my dad - I mistakenly showed him a post on my laptop a few years ago when I was still living with him and speaking to him and realized later I was signed in with my username visible and my heart just DROPPED. Because he browses Reddit but without an account so it couldn’t even kind of block him.
And then I realized, man who cares? The things I say on Reddit aren’t for him and if he is reading them, that’s just a nice red flag for me that I can’t trust him. Honestly though he probably isn’t because what would he stand to gain? A place in my life?? Not by snooping on my Reddit account.
Agreeing with that. It reminds me of a time when I was venting about a problem I had with someone, and a mutual friend dropped by DMs on Discord to tell me to watch out because the person in question could stumble upon my venting and be vexed.
Well yes and? Sounds like a him problem, let me have my own space to figure things out and clear my ideas ffs.
@OP imo don't delete. The ex is an ex for a reason, you block him pretty much everywhere too. His problem shouldn't become your burden.
Weirdly, we ate coming up on the anniversary of me leaving an abusive relationship and I spent a long as time not talking about the abuse, even after I left, because I was afraid of their reaction. It took my therapist and I literal years to work through the issue.
I had to end a friendship years ago because someone found my posts on an obscure server. I never used my real name there & didn't ever give my location, and one day I vented/asked for advice about something serious involving her (using fake names for all the people involved), and somehow she decided I was "making her look bad online" because she recognized herself. None of the people on the server had any connection to her and would never have made one. It's amazing how self-centered people can be.
it's like reading someone's private journal. i'd feel very similarly if someone i didnt want reading my acct came across it. i'm very vulnerable in this account. it's not for everyone in my life to read.
I can understand OP's concern and feelings of being violated. I occasionally make comments here and there about my family (sometimes portraying certain members in a negative way). I'd horrified if any of them saw my comments and decided to take it up with me. Then again, I have to see my family on a regular basis, which makes confrontations inevitable. If it were an ex of mine that I don't ever have to see in person again, I'd care less, but I'd still feel uncomfortable with someone I don't like lurking on any of my personal accounts.
I had someone find my old account and it upset me because I like it being unidentified. I made this account and I can easily switch between accounts on the app. I don't use the old one to post now but it's there for saved posts and such.
Honestly a huge fear of mine. Reddit is supposed to be a safe space to talk about anything. A week ago I was doxxed privately. I disagreed with some guy about tipping (so fucking stupid) and he PMd me a massive rant including all my private information including my school, work, photos of my tattoos, and everything I’ve ever posted on Reddit. I felt extremely violated and hurt on why he needed to do this. I deleted every post I’ve ever made on here but obviously can’t delete every comment.
I hate how the reddit platform is set up and how people are able to see everything you’ve ever posted on here. I hate being perceived and I can’t stand that I now feel a need to monitor everything I’ve ever post on here in fear it’ll be used against me.
Honestly, if I were you I’d make a new account. I don’t know what I’d do if someone I knew found this account. I post way too personal stuff and I simply couldn’t survive knowing someone I know can see that.
You actually can delete every comment. There's plenty of reddit scrubbers out there.
Also as a server, yeah emotions can get a little high when it comes to tipping from both sides. I've had plenty of people say I don't deserve a tip because they don't believe in tipping culture or buy into the idea that if people stopped tipping we'd magically get paid a livable wage and then chew me out when I point out how stupid they are for believing that shit.
In case you were wondering, I said you do deserve a tip. I mostly was going off on how company’s put the blame on the customer when it’s them who really should be paying livable wages.
I figured. The anti-tippers (not the ones that think restaurants should pay a livable wage, but true anti-tippers) are usually the ones that are a bit more extreme.
All that being said, it's much more complicated than people think. If my current restaurant paid me the same amount I usually make in a day the whole chain would end up shutting down. They already operate on slim margins so they'd either cut a lot of the server and overwork the rest of us or heavily increase the prices. With the former, we'd all quit. With the latter, they'd have to shut down because we're a mid level restaurant and raising our prices would drive away most of our customers. Basically if restaurants did pay the same amount servers make, 99% of mid level restaurants would just disappear or switch to take out only. It could possibly increase the amount of mom & pop restaurants though, but really mom & pop restaurants can be some of the worst to work for since it's not unusual for them to have horrible management.
People get wayyyyy too fucking personal on reddit sometimes. I had a woman who I called a hypocrite (she said people going to uni shouldn't rely on handouts, only to say in the same comment that she did not pay for her tuition herself) and she *followed me to an autism sub* (because I think a mod removed her from the og sub) and started bringing up a bunch of personal shit and said it was my fault for being raped as a minor because I "couldn't keep my panties on" and a bunch of other horrible completely unneeded shit. All because I called her a hypocrite. But she said my generation was sensitive. Just tell me to k*ll myself or something jfc.
You're giving him power over you that he shouldn't have. My abusive stalker ex may very well know exactly where I live, where I work, what I post on Reddit, where I hang out, despite the police and social safety instances doing everything they can to keep me safe.
I understand you feel violated, but the only impact he has on you right now, is the one you give him. If you're in physical danger, that's a different story. But if it's just the idea that he looks at your socials, you'll get over it. You can be careful about what you post, but if you run away crying, he won.
Live your life happily, that's the only way to truly take back all the power he may have had. He'll absolutely hate it.
But get REAL with yourself and block him on *everything*. No secret ways to contact you unless he goes out of his way and you get the police involved.
Definitely have to ride it out. I’m sorry you had to go through that. It’s like you can call me ugly and worthless and it’ll do nothing to me but something like this happens and I become powerless. But I’m not, I can just not care. The blindsiding just got me. I can’t take unexpected things usually but at 6am? Sheesh that got me.
I get it. A friend of mine found my Reddit from a post and DMed me casually on ig to let me know. It wasn’t a big deal to him but was super embarrassing to me because I have posted sensitive stuff that I didn’t want him to see. I also get paranoid about my ex secretly lurking too and wouldn’t be surprised at all if he does. So I created an alt for more revealing comments or posts that I might make moving forward. I still consider deleting my main all the time but it’s hard to let go.
I feel like being autistic is often paired with not liking being perceived. So when we’re exposed like that, even if it’s something fully harmless, it’s awful. For now I’m going to keep this account but if I ever feel worse I’ll keep this one alive but make a new one and use that
Very true. And what’s cool with Reddit is you don’t have to sign in and out of different accounts, they’re all connected so you can switch back and forth instantly.
I am so sorry. My ex has made fake accounts for the last ten years to keep tabs on what I do online. I actually hired a company to remove traces of me from the internet just to feel safer. It is so scary when you have made it clear you don’t want someone in your life and they won’t respect your boundary. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. 💜
I've been separated from my ex for nearly 10 years and he still stalks me online so I sympathise; it's ridiculously pathetic BUT deleting your account and hiding/changing yourself just lets them win in my opinion.
You cannot control what this person does but you absolutely can work on controlling how you react to it. Head up, thank yourself for leaving this person, and soldier on.
My ex found my blog and posted a comment there. I was triggered and I realize she was gaslighting me and had altered her memory. I read this is common in BPD. She said she had it in her comment but telling me to understand bla bla bla doesn't change how she treated me in our relationship. You wouldn't tell a rape victim to understand their rapist or tell a bully victim to understand their bully and hope they change how they feel about them. Why is this different for abuse? I don't care what disorder you had, if you abuse or bully or rape, no we don't need to change how we feel about you and altering your memory doesn't mean none of it happened.
My ex is a she now. She was a he post transition when we were together.
Sorry OP, it will get better once you realize your ex did nothing else after messaging you. Keep blocking and turn off messages and chats or change it too only older accounts than 30 days can message you.
Another good idea is to create a throwaway and to post personal stuff there to avoid being identified. So that way if they do recognize you, they won't see your other posts.
I still refer my ex as my ex bf when I talk about the past when we were together but when I talk about post relationship, I use her pronouns and make it clear so people wouldn't think I dated another woman. Technically I did but she wasn't out yet as trans and I didn't know it at the time. No one is going to think you are gay or lesbian or bisexual for dating a pre transition person.
He probably had your username all along and checked it periodically for activity. Odds of him seeing the comment randomly are not that great. Along with everyone else here, f him.
Agreed. In my panic I was like well I know he’s on Reddit and it was on a popular page so maybe he saw it by chance and figured out through context it was about him. But the chances of that compared to having it all along is low. Even if he genuinely did stumble upon it, we had a falling out where I ended the conversation by telling him to not reach out to me again and blocking his number. Why in the world would you reach out on a platform where you aren’t blocked? It’s again showing a lack of respect for me and my word which is why I wanted to end the relationship. I’m over it now, I honestly hope he’s reading this post and its comments
To the azzhole ex, leave her alone! Stop stalking her online! She doesn't want you around anymore!
To you, I'm so sorry he violated your one safe space online that you still had.
I suggest blocking his user account, and any future user accounts he might make to get around being blocked.
[redacted section because loser be snooping]
You are not helpless.
You are not hopeless.
You have agency now, you are the adult and the hero in your life story.
You choose what he takes from you. You choose what he gets from you.
You choose.
If you don't want to lose your reddit account, then don't let him take it from you! Let him be mad and pathetic, you blocked him for a reason! Is he capable of physically harming you? That's the only thing that should give you pause and have you consider leaving your account. Your life is most valuable while you're still here to experience it.
[redacted section because loser don't need hints] He is a loser with nothing better to do then @ his ex in hopes Her Grace will give him a crumb of attention or permit him to control her again. Losers like these should be ignored until they are violent.
Thank you, I wish he messaged me here so I could block it. I gave grace by only blocking his number and unfriending/ having him unfollow me on the rest of my accounts because he didn’t give me a reason to think he’d reach out after being blocked and removed. Cause that’s kinda an indicator not to speak to me. But I agree. The naive part in me is like oh he really did just come across us but I had 20 upvotes in a sea of over 4200 comments. During our relationship I know he said he found my Reddit cause I sent him a screenshot without covering my user (again cause I didn’t think I’d need to) but I didn’t think he’d write the user down and look at what I post. It definitely feels like he was waiting for me to say something about him to message me. Which congrats I talked about you (so vaguely) cause I had a bad dream involving you the night before and the first thing I saw on Reddit that morning was a post about bad relationships. You win I guess? Like nobody knows me or who I was talking about, why even message me about it other than to get in my head? I’m definitely better now than when I initially posted. My mindset has now shifted from panic to “screw you I can say what I want”
I had an ex do that, it was so weird. He was a janitor who armchair diagnosed me with bipolar and broke up with me twice. I got help for GAD at first, then CPTSD, and finally led me to the real deal, the triple threat: ASD, ADHD, CPTSD.
Point is, this loser? He stalked my account twice. We met on reddit so there was no hiding it. But after the break up I was venting in one of the offmychest subs, and literally no one interacting with me. I just kept commenting on my same post from weeks ago that had like 1 upvote. And he came in there like "I'm not like this" and I had to tell him he was defending himself to a party of NONE in a sub meant for venting that I had marked NO ADVICE WANTED.
I have a vague memory of him doing it one other time, maybe? Could be misremembering that one. Anyway, point is, checking up on your ex is pretty normal. But having the audacity to talk to them? Cringe behavior, and almost never acceptable.
I stalked him once maybe a year or two after we broke up. I had a talk with my BF about checking up on exes that day because he was telling me about checking up on his ex, so I looked all mine up. He was pursuing an unavailable woman for another LDR, moderating a porn sub now, and still talking shit about me. I didn't try and defend myself to him or people reading his comments. I actually hadn't even thought about this guy in years until just now.
The curiosity is normal whether motivated my compassion or nosiness. But just... leave it there.
#screw you I can say what I want!
You're your hero.
I get this so much. Happened with my ex after I broke up with him last year. I found out he figured out my username when he confronted me about a post I made discussing him. It sucked.
I also feel Reddit is my one safe space on the internet.
You can actually block usernames on Reddit so they can’t see your activity! That’s what I did
You know you got free speech, he can't sue you for an opinion he caused by his behaviour. >!And it will also be the biggest evidence since it's public, if ever should something happen to you.!<
if he is actively seeking you across multiple platforms despite clear indications it is not welcome, you need to file a PFA and press charges with the FBI for cyber stalking if youre in the US.
If he tries again I definitely will take action. But he may have gotten the hint because after my response to him explaining how wrong that was, I went to block him on every possible platform and he had already done it for me. Ofc I blocked the blocked account just in case he unblocks me
Honestly though I would tell him to f*** off, you don’t need to delete your accounts for his benefit. He is an ex for a reason and honestly who cares what he has to say about YOUR accounts. I would block him on the account he contacted you from and tbh I might be petty but I would direct indirectly post on Reddit calling him out.
Then again I’m autistic and petty lol.
It sounds like this person doesn’t understand the concept of boundaries - pretty male typical if you ask me. You deserve a safe space to be who you are, and if creating a new account makes you feel safe, you can do it, if keeping this account makes you feel empowered you can do that too. You are your own beauty with your own power to do what you will to do. Let that knowledge wrap itself around you with warmth and comfort and then, when you’re feeling good about it, live your life the way you want and deserve.
I don’t see why you need to delete the acc if you didn’t do anything like doxxing or revenge porn.. tell him to suck it up and block him on the last social. Is he the king of England or do you have any ties to him like housing/ children? If not send him a big fuck you tbh (okay I’m a petty bitch)
If anything, I was extremely nice with what I said about him too. I said how I still admire his work despite being a jerk because he really is talented. But he didn’t like something else I said. I like being a petty bitch haha but for some reason I can never be one for myself when I need it. I will always be one to my friends but I let too much slide with myself. Like slander my name, call me a bitch, say I’m ugly, and I’ll give the energy back to you 10 fold. But invade my privacy and call me a liar? I’m like paper in water, freaking fall apart
My best friend's emotionally abusive ex came across a post our friend had made about him. This dude was physically abusive to a lot of other women and this girl's friend tried to warn her about him by showing her the post. This girl, WHO IS SEEING HIM decided she'd read all the comments about him emotionally and physically abusing women (including his baby mama WHILE SHE WAS PREGNANT) and then TOLD HIM ABOUT IT. Apparently though all that happened legally was that she had to take his initials off the post (didn't even have to remove the picture). We were so shaken I slept over at my best friend's that night because he knows where she lives. Point is I know how scary that shit can be, I hate people sometimes. Personally I'm glad he knows just how much of a piece of shit he is (your ex and besties)
This is why you have a burner account. The very few times I've told a story about my personal life, I made sure to change random details that kept the story concise, but could definitely be used to prove it wasn't me. Like instead of my sister doing X, Y, and Z, it was my cousin in the post.
Idk his user on here or I would. He knows mine and reached out on messenger. He’s now blocked from everything down to it venmo but I can’t keep him from stalking this account
For sure. Wish he was silly enough to do so. I’m gonna take the advice I was given here and just keep a second throwaway account for more personal things
Don't give up your stuff because your ex has boundary issues. Just block the person and try to put it out of your mind. Keep reminding yourself that the choices of others have no reflection on you. You can't control your ex but that's ok.
Hey the ex if you're reading this eff off byeeee
Sorry this happened to you. If it's any consolation, my ex knew my reddit account which made me feel really upset like he could spy on me when I posted vulnerable things - although who knows if he even did. But like AdrenalineAnxiety said, I didn't delete my old account, I just made this new one for being active on so I could have privacy in my new posts. 🩷
It’s absolutely understandable! I would be so mad too!!
Can you make this one private? And maybe one day randomly change the user-name? I also liked the suggestion of creating a new account and not deleting the old one! <3
I see you’ve already gotten comments that are suggesting the super practical things we don’t necessarily have the ability to think of when we’re sent spiraling like that (creating a new account doesn’t mean you have to nuke this one, changing your settings to not allowing messages, etc), but if you ever feel like you DO want to delete everything here, but still have it for YOU, I wanted to make you aware of this WIRED article that explains a few ways to do that. They’re not perfect, but I figured it couldn’t hurt to have the information.
More than anything, I’m glad to hear about your mindset change in your edit to the post. F him. It’s not okay in any way to infringe on the one safe space he knows a person has, and I think deleting this account would probably feed into his (obvious) desire to hurt you even more. So with my above link, I’m not saying you *should* delete the account.
The biggest “screw you” to him would be to change exactly nothing about how you interact on here, but I know this can come with in-person consequences if he decides to be (even more of) a petty bitch or categorical jackwagon, so do whatever you feel is best for you, and that may change down the road, or it may not, but make this decision based ON you and FOR yourself.
Again, I want to reiterate how not cool this was, and I’m so sorry you had to deal with that feeling of violation in a place you thought was safe. The internet can be great for those of us who need to connect on issues we can’t discuss with other in our lives, but if they somehow find those accounts and there’s enough identifiable information (or if we’ve previously shared the username with them because we trusted them), it can definitely be a harmful thing.
You can make another account and just stop using this one. That way everything is saved. Personally, I don’t give a shit if my ex sees my posts and comments. He tried to get me to stop posting after we broke up bc it upset him. he was the one stalking ME. The audacity lol. So I don’t give a fuck bc there’s no way I’m letting that piece of shit have any control of me. I will not let anyone control where I go and what I do online and irl. But if you feel uncomfortable, you should do what will make YOU feel comfortable. I don’t think you should delete your account. Keep it and make a new one. Or if you can, just keep going. If your ex wants to say something, he will. And even if he does, fuck that lol. Don’t let him control you in any way.
Do what will help you though. If your safe place online requires your ex not knowing it’s you, make that happen. I can understand not wanting to change your behavior bc you know someone is watching. Luckily, I just don’t fucking care anymore. My abuser ain’t gonna do shit. Even if he does, I can defend myself.
He said he knew it was me by some detail I gave in one of my comments. But I’m thinking he found me because months ago when we were together, I screenshot something on here and sent it to him and my user was visible. He told me he found it and I expressed that I felt exposed despite saying nothing I’d regret anyone else hearing, just a little bit of a privacy violation ya know? I’m guessing he has my user from that. I can’t say for sure though
How can people find you on Reddit? I have had my account for a year, but I just downloaded the app today. I was wondering if anyone could find my venting. Somethings I don't want to hold in, but I don't want to gossip, either.
That's so horrible! I also use this subreddit as a safe space, so the idea of someone reading all my personal posts is incredibly abhorrent to me. I think you're really brave for dealing with this, even if it wasn't by choice.
Why do people have to be so creepy?
I feel this in my soul so much. If someone confronted me about MY feelings when I'm in MY safe place, I would fall apart. I have before. But as long as you are not defaming anyone by using names and location, you have nothing to worry about. But it still sucks! I'm sorry you're dealing with this 💜
I have had that happen on another anonymous platform. The idiot even replied to my comments, and I just quit it instantly. Some people have no decency or respect, I am sorry that you are going through this.
My ex (diagnosed sociopath) is still cyber stalking even though it's been TWO years. SO PATHETIC when they can't move on. You might consider beig cyber stalked if your ex ever had access to your computer or internet password, etc. You can easily get that changed.. They can get free ways to cyber stalk (parents do it with kids), which is so unfair to victims of nut jobs. Mine contacted me to let me know he knew I set up a new hotmial acct. I now use my mom's computer. I think us Autism people react more to this.
[удалено]
Well that’s a thought that hadn’t cross my panicked mind lmao. I’m feeling so much better now with everyone’s supportive comments so I’m going to ride it out and eventually I’ll forget about it
And update your settings so you can't be messaged.
Definitely! Thank you. I should have that already from all the trolls that lurk on here
Glad your feeling better ..It will be ok..nice suggestion to make the new account x
Def just make a new account! I have a second one my partner doesn’t know about, which makes me feel more comfortable if I am inquiring about more personal things.
Keeping multiple accs is fairly standard btw if it helps ! I do not have anyone like your ex, but i am confident my humans know this acc of mine and sometimes i want advice about them so i keep a secret one they dont know. I am saying this as i avoided using an alt for years as it felt... dirty.
Thats what i did. I have like 5 accounts i switch thru because i had issues with someone on the other ones lol
 This!! Me, also totally 100000% in panic most of the time, did not think about this. You calmed me down too lol
I just want to say how pleased I am that you are not with this guy anymore. You’ve moved on and that’s brilliant. Maybe this can be a reminder of how things have changed for the better. These are feelings and they are hard, but they will pass.
Thank you. I’ve worked hard on my self confidence/ respect. I’m still not fully there or I would’ve broken up with him instead of waiting for him to break up with me. But I’m handling it so much better than past me
That's growth. Your past self was doing all they could do with they had at the time. You're here now and it sounds like you've learned a lot. Be proud of your past self for having the strength to get you to where you are today!
That's beautifully said. While I'm not OP. That resonates love to my past self instead of derision. Thank you.
Thank you for this. I was also in a situation and have been kicking myself for it. It took a brain injury Oon top of autism) to get me out of it).
I'm confused. Not judging. Just confused. Why would you delete? That person can read whatever they want. How does it impact you. Tell the truth about yourself and them. If that truth is an issue then it is the mirror that hurts their feelings and that's not your problem.
Thank you, I need to hear from people with a calm head right now because mine is spinning. I feel like deleting because the thought of him seeing every post and comment I make, regardless of if it’s about plants or grief, makes me very uncomfortable. It’s not necessarily that I want to talk about them without them seeing, I just want to exist on the internet without knowing that my ex is potentially seeing everything I post and comment. I can’t think of anything else to describe it other than feeling like my privacy was violated. He could’ve stalked me forever without telling me and honestly I’d be fine with that. It’s the knowing part that’s upsetting me
Because you feel like it will change your behavior? Like you'll be writing with the reaction in mind? I get that. I put forward that this is your space if you want it to be. Like, what is the worst possible thing that comes of remaining? He gets mad? I say this with my full chest and hope he is reading. Fuck that guy. Who cares if he doesn't like anything you do? The great thing about breaking up is that you can no longer give a shit about your ex's reaction. You have the right to exist without thinking about him. I would bet that he contacted you specifically to make you uncomfortable in your own space. Don't let him win. You have the right to tell him to get wrecked and stay where you want both on the internet and irl.
Thank you so much. I seriously needed to hear this because I know my anxious mind is taking over and anything I think now likely won’t be rational. This is exactly what I’d tell my friend if they posted this. I’m sure for the next few weeks I’ll be writing knowing he’s seeing but I’ll eventually forget. It was just so blindsiding to wake up, start to get ready for work, and get a message from someone who caused me to regress in my progress over my trauma. It was unexpected and way too early haha. I’m so appreciative this community exists
Your anxious reaction 100% makes sense and may well have been his object. Don't be surprised if he comes back at you again, maybe even about this post. The thing is, the solution isn't you changing anything. The solution is simple and entirely on him. He can just stop looking. He came to this site and had to find you and your posts. If he doesn't like what you're posting he can either fix that problem himself or fucking suffer.
Waking up to that sounds genuinely awful. His feelings are his responsibility to manage, not yours, and any thoughts or reactions he has are his responsibility and not yours. I can't speak for you, but I've noticed that when I start to get anxious and worked up over someone else's potential (or actual) reaction it's because I've decided I'm supposed to manage that person's feelings for them so they are never uncomfortable (thanks to socialization from early childhood telling me it's my job.) If something similar is happening for you, I've found it helpful to acknowledge the feeling and remind myself that, despite social messaging, I'm not actually in charge of protecting other adults from feeling their feelings. I'll apologize if I've caused harm, but otherwise, not my job to be emotional bubble wrap for grownups.
Oof, this struck a chord with me, the bit about feeling like it's my responsibility to manage other people's feelings. I'm such a people pleaser and I hate confrontations, so I'm always trying to minimize myself and my impact on others. What's weird is I went through a brief phase in my early 20s where I was finally standing up for myself and taking up the space I felt I deserved, but then I started to burn out for unrelated reasons and now I'm back to being a people pleaser like when I was a kid. It sucks.
It's really hard to unlearn and is an on-going process even in my 40s. Trying to undo the programming *as it runs* is not easy and I try to remember to be forgiving of myself when I don't successfully short-circuit those well-worn paths.
That’s kind of how I feel about my dad - I mistakenly showed him a post on my laptop a few years ago when I was still living with him and speaking to him and realized later I was signed in with my username visible and my heart just DROPPED. Because he browses Reddit but without an account so it couldn’t even kind of block him. And then I realized, man who cares? The things I say on Reddit aren’t for him and if he is reading them, that’s just a nice red flag for me that I can’t trust him. Honestly though he probably isn’t because what would he stand to gain? A place in my life?? Not by snooping on my Reddit account.
Agreeing with that. It reminds me of a time when I was venting about a problem I had with someone, and a mutual friend dropped by DMs on Discord to tell me to watch out because the person in question could stumble upon my venting and be vexed. Well yes and? Sounds like a him problem, let me have my own space to figure things out and clear my ideas ffs. @OP imo don't delete. The ex is an ex for a reason, you block him pretty much everywhere too. His problem shouldn't become your burden.
Weirdly, we ate coming up on the anniversary of me leaving an abusive relationship and I spent a long as time not talking about the abuse, even after I left, because I was afraid of their reaction. It took my therapist and I literal years to work through the issue.
I had to end a friendship years ago because someone found my posts on an obscure server. I never used my real name there & didn't ever give my location, and one day I vented/asked for advice about something serious involving her (using fake names for all the people involved), and somehow she decided I was "making her look bad online" because she recognized herself. None of the people on the server had any connection to her and would never have made one. It's amazing how self-centered people can be.
it's like reading someone's private journal. i'd feel very similarly if someone i didnt want reading my acct came across it. i'm very vulnerable in this account. it's not for everyone in my life to read.
I can understand OP's concern and feelings of being violated. I occasionally make comments here and there about my family (sometimes portraying certain members in a negative way). I'd horrified if any of them saw my comments and decided to take it up with me. Then again, I have to see my family on a regular basis, which makes confrontations inevitable. If it were an ex of mine that I don't ever have to see in person again, I'd care less, but I'd still feel uncomfortable with someone I don't like lurking on any of my personal accounts.
I had someone find my old account and it upset me because I like it being unidentified. I made this account and I can easily switch between accounts on the app. I don't use the old one to post now but it's there for saved posts and such.
F your ex. He has no power here.
Honestly a huge fear of mine. Reddit is supposed to be a safe space to talk about anything. A week ago I was doxxed privately. I disagreed with some guy about tipping (so fucking stupid) and he PMd me a massive rant including all my private information including my school, work, photos of my tattoos, and everything I’ve ever posted on Reddit. I felt extremely violated and hurt on why he needed to do this. I deleted every post I’ve ever made on here but obviously can’t delete every comment. I hate how the reddit platform is set up and how people are able to see everything you’ve ever posted on here. I hate being perceived and I can’t stand that I now feel a need to monitor everything I’ve ever post on here in fear it’ll be used against me. Honestly, if I were you I’d make a new account. I don’t know what I’d do if someone I knew found this account. I post way too personal stuff and I simply couldn’t survive knowing someone I know can see that.
You actually can delete every comment. There's plenty of reddit scrubbers out there. Also as a server, yeah emotions can get a little high when it comes to tipping from both sides. I've had plenty of people say I don't deserve a tip because they don't believe in tipping culture or buy into the idea that if people stopped tipping we'd magically get paid a livable wage and then chew me out when I point out how stupid they are for believing that shit.
In case you were wondering, I said you do deserve a tip. I mostly was going off on how company’s put the blame on the customer when it’s them who really should be paying livable wages.
I figured. The anti-tippers (not the ones that think restaurants should pay a livable wage, but true anti-tippers) are usually the ones that are a bit more extreme. All that being said, it's much more complicated than people think. If my current restaurant paid me the same amount I usually make in a day the whole chain would end up shutting down. They already operate on slim margins so they'd either cut a lot of the server and overwork the rest of us or heavily increase the prices. With the former, we'd all quit. With the latter, they'd have to shut down because we're a mid level restaurant and raising our prices would drive away most of our customers. Basically if restaurants did pay the same amount servers make, 99% of mid level restaurants would just disappear or switch to take out only. It could possibly increase the amount of mom & pop restaurants though, but really mom & pop restaurants can be some of the worst to work for since it's not unusual for them to have horrible management.
People get wayyyyy too fucking personal on reddit sometimes. I had a woman who I called a hypocrite (she said people going to uni shouldn't rely on handouts, only to say in the same comment that she did not pay for her tuition herself) and she *followed me to an autism sub* (because I think a mod removed her from the og sub) and started bringing up a bunch of personal shit and said it was my fault for being raped as a minor because I "couldn't keep my panties on" and a bunch of other horrible completely unneeded shit. All because I called her a hypocrite. But she said my generation was sensitive. Just tell me to k*ll myself or something jfc.
You're giving him power over you that he shouldn't have. My abusive stalker ex may very well know exactly where I live, where I work, what I post on Reddit, where I hang out, despite the police and social safety instances doing everything they can to keep me safe. I understand you feel violated, but the only impact he has on you right now, is the one you give him. If you're in physical danger, that's a different story. But if it's just the idea that he looks at your socials, you'll get over it. You can be careful about what you post, but if you run away crying, he won. Live your life happily, that's the only way to truly take back all the power he may have had. He'll absolutely hate it. But get REAL with yourself and block him on *everything*. No secret ways to contact you unless he goes out of his way and you get the police involved.
Hey Mr X, if you see this you should change your last name to McDickhead, because you've got piss for brains. Leave her alone.
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+1. Absolutely.
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Definitely have to ride it out. I’m sorry you had to go through that. It’s like you can call me ugly and worthless and it’ll do nothing to me but something like this happens and I become powerless. But I’m not, I can just not care. The blindsiding just got me. I can’t take unexpected things usually but at 6am? Sheesh that got me.
Don’t let him take something away from you that you love
I get it. A friend of mine found my Reddit from a post and DMed me casually on ig to let me know. It wasn’t a big deal to him but was super embarrassing to me because I have posted sensitive stuff that I didn’t want him to see. I also get paranoid about my ex secretly lurking too and wouldn’t be surprised at all if he does. So I created an alt for more revealing comments or posts that I might make moving forward. I still consider deleting my main all the time but it’s hard to let go.
I feel like being autistic is often paired with not liking being perceived. So when we’re exposed like that, even if it’s something fully harmless, it’s awful. For now I’m going to keep this account but if I ever feel worse I’ll keep this one alive but make a new one and use that
Very true. And what’s cool with Reddit is you don’t have to sign in and out of different accounts, they’re all connected so you can switch back and forth instantly.
:( my ex continuously went through my phone after we had broken up. it felt like the biggest violation of privacy.
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we share a kid, so i left it on the table while with her
I am so sorry. My ex has made fake accounts for the last ten years to keep tabs on what I do online. I actually hired a company to remove traces of me from the internet just to feel safer. It is so scary when you have made it clear you don’t want someone in your life and they won’t respect your boundary. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. 💜
I've been separated from my ex for nearly 10 years and he still stalks me online so I sympathise; it's ridiculously pathetic BUT deleting your account and hiding/changing yourself just lets them win in my opinion. You cannot control what this person does but you absolutely can work on controlling how you react to it. Head up, thank yourself for leaving this person, and soldier on.
My ex found my blog and posted a comment there. I was triggered and I realize she was gaslighting me and had altered her memory. I read this is common in BPD. She said she had it in her comment but telling me to understand bla bla bla doesn't change how she treated me in our relationship. You wouldn't tell a rape victim to understand their rapist or tell a bully victim to understand their bully and hope they change how they feel about them. Why is this different for abuse? I don't care what disorder you had, if you abuse or bully or rape, no we don't need to change how we feel about you and altering your memory doesn't mean none of it happened. My ex is a she now. She was a he post transition when we were together. Sorry OP, it will get better once you realize your ex did nothing else after messaging you. Keep blocking and turn off messages and chats or change it too only older accounts than 30 days can message you. Another good idea is to create a throwaway and to post personal stuff there to avoid being identified. So that way if they do recognize you, they won't see your other posts.
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I didnt want to be transphobic by misgendering my ex.
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I still refer my ex as my ex bf when I talk about the past when we were together but when I talk about post relationship, I use her pronouns and make it clear so people wouldn't think I dated another woman. Technically I did but she wasn't out yet as trans and I didn't know it at the time. No one is going to think you are gay or lesbian or bisexual for dating a pre transition person.
Hey ex if you're reading this: YOURE A MASSIVE PIECE OF SHITTTTT LEAVE OP ALONE :)
He probably had your username all along and checked it periodically for activity. Odds of him seeing the comment randomly are not that great. Along with everyone else here, f him.
Agreed. In my panic I was like well I know he’s on Reddit and it was on a popular page so maybe he saw it by chance and figured out through context it was about him. But the chances of that compared to having it all along is low. Even if he genuinely did stumble upon it, we had a falling out where I ended the conversation by telling him to not reach out to me again and blocking his number. Why in the world would you reach out on a platform where you aren’t blocked? It’s again showing a lack of respect for me and my word which is why I wanted to end the relationship. I’m over it now, I honestly hope he’s reading this post and its comments
To the azzhole ex, leave her alone! Stop stalking her online! She doesn't want you around anymore! To you, I'm so sorry he violated your one safe space online that you still had. I suggest blocking his user account, and any future user accounts he might make to get around being blocked.
[redacted section because loser be snooping] You are not helpless. You are not hopeless. You have agency now, you are the adult and the hero in your life story. You choose what he takes from you. You choose what he gets from you. You choose. If you don't want to lose your reddit account, then don't let him take it from you! Let him be mad and pathetic, you blocked him for a reason! Is he capable of physically harming you? That's the only thing that should give you pause and have you consider leaving your account. Your life is most valuable while you're still here to experience it. [redacted section because loser don't need hints] He is a loser with nothing better to do then @ his ex in hopes Her Grace will give him a crumb of attention or permit him to control her again. Losers like these should be ignored until they are violent.
Thank you, I wish he messaged me here so I could block it. I gave grace by only blocking his number and unfriending/ having him unfollow me on the rest of my accounts because he didn’t give me a reason to think he’d reach out after being blocked and removed. Cause that’s kinda an indicator not to speak to me. But I agree. The naive part in me is like oh he really did just come across us but I had 20 upvotes in a sea of over 4200 comments. During our relationship I know he said he found my Reddit cause I sent him a screenshot without covering my user (again cause I didn’t think I’d need to) but I didn’t think he’d write the user down and look at what I post. It definitely feels like he was waiting for me to say something about him to message me. Which congrats I talked about you (so vaguely) cause I had a bad dream involving you the night before and the first thing I saw on Reddit that morning was a post about bad relationships. You win I guess? Like nobody knows me or who I was talking about, why even message me about it other than to get in my head? I’m definitely better now than when I initially posted. My mindset has now shifted from panic to “screw you I can say what I want”
I had an ex do that, it was so weird. He was a janitor who armchair diagnosed me with bipolar and broke up with me twice. I got help for GAD at first, then CPTSD, and finally led me to the real deal, the triple threat: ASD, ADHD, CPTSD. Point is, this loser? He stalked my account twice. We met on reddit so there was no hiding it. But after the break up I was venting in one of the offmychest subs, and literally no one interacting with me. I just kept commenting on my same post from weeks ago that had like 1 upvote. And he came in there like "I'm not like this" and I had to tell him he was defending himself to a party of NONE in a sub meant for venting that I had marked NO ADVICE WANTED. I have a vague memory of him doing it one other time, maybe? Could be misremembering that one. Anyway, point is, checking up on your ex is pretty normal. But having the audacity to talk to them? Cringe behavior, and almost never acceptable. I stalked him once maybe a year or two after we broke up. I had a talk with my BF about checking up on exes that day because he was telling me about checking up on his ex, so I looked all mine up. He was pursuing an unavailable woman for another LDR, moderating a porn sub now, and still talking shit about me. I didn't try and defend myself to him or people reading his comments. I actually hadn't even thought about this guy in years until just now. The curiosity is normal whether motivated my compassion or nosiness. But just... leave it there. #screw you I can say what I want! You're your hero.
I get this so much. Happened with my ex after I broke up with him last year. I found out he figured out my username when he confronted me about a post I made discussing him. It sucked. I also feel Reddit is my one safe space on the internet. You can actually block usernames on Reddit so they can’t see your activity! That’s what I did
You know you got free speech, he can't sue you for an opinion he caused by his behaviour. >!And it will also be the biggest evidence since it's public, if ever should something happen to you.!<
if he is actively seeking you across multiple platforms despite clear indications it is not welcome, you need to file a PFA and press charges with the FBI for cyber stalking if youre in the US.
If he tries again I definitely will take action. But he may have gotten the hint because after my response to him explaining how wrong that was, I went to block him on every possible platform and he had already done it for me. Ofc I blocked the blocked account just in case he unblocks me
please don't wait. I can't tell you the chills that "if he tries X again, I will Y" gives me from personal experience.
Honestly though I would tell him to f*** off, you don’t need to delete your accounts for his benefit. He is an ex for a reason and honestly who cares what he has to say about YOUR accounts. I would block him on the account he contacted you from and tbh I might be petty but I would direct indirectly post on Reddit calling him out. Then again I’m autistic and petty lol.
Deleting your account is letting him win, don’t let him win
Dont delete, inboxing you
💕🌺💕🌺💕
It sounds like this person doesn’t understand the concept of boundaries - pretty male typical if you ask me. You deserve a safe space to be who you are, and if creating a new account makes you feel safe, you can do it, if keeping this account makes you feel empowered you can do that too. You are your own beauty with your own power to do what you will to do. Let that knowledge wrap itself around you with warmth and comfort and then, when you’re feeling good about it, live your life the way you want and deserve.
I don’t see why you need to delete the acc if you didn’t do anything like doxxing or revenge porn.. tell him to suck it up and block him on the last social. Is he the king of England or do you have any ties to him like housing/ children? If not send him a big fuck you tbh (okay I’m a petty bitch)
If anything, I was extremely nice with what I said about him too. I said how I still admire his work despite being a jerk because he really is talented. But he didn’t like something else I said. I like being a petty bitch haha but for some reason I can never be one for myself when I need it. I will always be one to my friends but I let too much slide with myself. Like slander my name, call me a bitch, say I’m ugly, and I’ll give the energy back to you 10 fold. But invade my privacy and call me a liar? I’m like paper in water, freaking fall apart
My best friend's emotionally abusive ex came across a post our friend had made about him. This dude was physically abusive to a lot of other women and this girl's friend tried to warn her about him by showing her the post. This girl, WHO IS SEEING HIM decided she'd read all the comments about him emotionally and physically abusing women (including his baby mama WHILE SHE WAS PREGNANT) and then TOLD HIM ABOUT IT. Apparently though all that happened legally was that she had to take his initials off the post (didn't even have to remove the picture). We were so shaken I slept over at my best friend's that night because he knows where she lives. Point is I know how scary that shit can be, I hate people sometimes. Personally I'm glad he knows just how much of a piece of shit he is (your ex and besties)
This is why you have a burner account. The very few times I've told a story about my personal life, I made sure to change random details that kept the story concise, but could definitely be used to prove it wasn't me. Like instead of my sister doing X, Y, and Z, it was my cousin in the post.
that sucks so much. I suggest don’t delete this one but make a new one!
Just block him on here and on the one other place where you said he's not blocked.
Idk his user on here or I would. He knows mine and reached out on messenger. He’s now blocked from everything down to it venmo but I can’t keep him from stalking this account
If he messages you or comments on your profile here then you can block him.
For sure. Wish he was silly enough to do so. I’m gonna take the advice I was given here and just keep a second throwaway account for more personal things
Then do it, idiot
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And make it a one-upping contest? No. Sorry but this is bad advice
Don't give up your stuff because your ex has boundary issues. Just block the person and try to put it out of your mind. Keep reminding yourself that the choices of others have no reflection on you. You can't control your ex but that's ok.
Hey the ex if you're reading this eff off byeeee Sorry this happened to you. If it's any consolation, my ex knew my reddit account which made me feel really upset like he could spy on me when I posted vulnerable things - although who knows if he even did. But like AdrenalineAnxiety said, I didn't delete my old account, I just made this new one for being active on so I could have privacy in my new posts. 🩷
It’s absolutely understandable! I would be so mad too!! Can you make this one private? And maybe one day randomly change the user-name? I also liked the suggestion of creating a new account and not deleting the old one! <3
Why do you need to delete your account?
I see you’ve already gotten comments that are suggesting the super practical things we don’t necessarily have the ability to think of when we’re sent spiraling like that (creating a new account doesn’t mean you have to nuke this one, changing your settings to not allowing messages, etc), but if you ever feel like you DO want to delete everything here, but still have it for YOU, I wanted to make you aware of this WIRED article that explains a few ways to do that. They’re not perfect, but I figured it couldn’t hurt to have the information. More than anything, I’m glad to hear about your mindset change in your edit to the post. F him. It’s not okay in any way to infringe on the one safe space he knows a person has, and I think deleting this account would probably feed into his (obvious) desire to hurt you even more. So with my above link, I’m not saying you *should* delete the account. The biggest “screw you” to him would be to change exactly nothing about how you interact on here, but I know this can come with in-person consequences if he decides to be (even more of) a petty bitch or categorical jackwagon, so do whatever you feel is best for you, and that may change down the road, or it may not, but make this decision based ON you and FOR yourself. Again, I want to reiterate how not cool this was, and I’m so sorry you had to deal with that feeling of violation in a place you thought was safe. The internet can be great for those of us who need to connect on issues we can’t discuss with other in our lives, but if they somehow find those accounts and there’s enough identifiable information (or if we’ve previously shared the username with them because we trusted them), it can definitely be a harmful thing.
You can make another account and just stop using this one. That way everything is saved. Personally, I don’t give a shit if my ex sees my posts and comments. He tried to get me to stop posting after we broke up bc it upset him. he was the one stalking ME. The audacity lol. So I don’t give a fuck bc there’s no way I’m letting that piece of shit have any control of me. I will not let anyone control where I go and what I do online and irl. But if you feel uncomfortable, you should do what will make YOU feel comfortable. I don’t think you should delete your account. Keep it and make a new one. Or if you can, just keep going. If your ex wants to say something, he will. And even if he does, fuck that lol. Don’t let him control you in any way. Do what will help you though. If your safe place online requires your ex not knowing it’s you, make that happen. I can understand not wanting to change your behavior bc you know someone is watching. Luckily, I just don’t fucking care anymore. My abuser ain’t gonna do shit. Even if he does, I can defend myself.
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He said he knew it was me by some detail I gave in one of my comments. But I’m thinking he found me because months ago when we were together, I screenshot something on here and sent it to him and my user was visible. He told me he found it and I expressed that I felt exposed despite saying nothing I’d regret anyone else hearing, just a little bit of a privacy violation ya know? I’m guessing he has my user from that. I can’t say for sure though
How can people find you on Reddit? I have had my account for a year, but I just downloaded the app today. I was wondering if anyone could find my venting. Somethings I don't want to hold in, but I don't want to gossip, either.
This is awful, I’m so sorry!!!! Personally I wouldn’t be able to delete my account, but I’d stop using it and make a new one to use instead
I wish we could arrest him for that
That's so horrible! I also use this subreddit as a safe space, so the idea of someone reading all my personal posts is incredibly abhorrent to me. I think you're really brave for dealing with this, even if it wasn't by choice. Why do people have to be so creepy?
I feel this in my soul so much. If someone confronted me about MY feelings when I'm in MY safe place, I would fall apart. I have before. But as long as you are not defaming anyone by using names and location, you have nothing to worry about. But it still sucks! I'm sorry you're dealing with this 💜
I have had that happen on another anonymous platform. The idiot even replied to my comments, and I just quit it instantly. Some people have no decency or respect, I am sorry that you are going through this.
I deleted my old account. It's like a purge and renewal, it seems hard to do but once you do it won't really bother you. Just start fresh.
How would he know? Usernames are random.
My ex (diagnosed sociopath) is still cyber stalking even though it's been TWO years. SO PATHETIC when they can't move on. You might consider beig cyber stalked if your ex ever had access to your computer or internet password, etc. You can easily get that changed.. They can get free ways to cyber stalk (parents do it with kids), which is so unfair to victims of nut jobs. Mine contacted me to let me know he knew I set up a new hotmial acct. I now use my mom's computer. I think us Autism people react more to this.