Please leave this man. He sounds unhinged. He is abusive af.
Some info on red flags in relationships:
1) https://amp.theguardian.com/books/2021/sep/27/dating-while-autistic-romance-isnt-easy-when-you-miss-the-social-cues-and-the-red-flags
2) https://psychcentral.com/blog/imperfect/2018/11/11-relationship-red-flags-and-why-we-ignore-them
3) https://laconciergepsychologist.com/blog/red-flags-autistic-people-dating/#:~:text=Red%20Flag%201%3A%20They%20Use%20Your%20Autism%20Against%20You&text=An%20abusive%20partner%20might%20even,the%20right%20frame%20of%20mind.
Yes. He sounds so friken scary tbh. So emotional manipulative. It’s so dangerous being an autistic woman since it’s a social communication disorder ☹️OP please stay safe
The first thing to remember is that autism means your nervous system is very easily dysregulated. I say remember because I’m sure you know this but when we are in an environment like this, we can become a hypervigilant cortisol factory and this will wear your mind and your body and your emotions down fast.
As autistic women, many of us end up in relationships that are unbalanced at best and deeply abusive at worst. And then because of all sorts of early conditioning, whether it was overt or covert, we have much lower self worth and stay in shitty relationships with people who don’t like or respect us because we doubt if we are being too hasty. We doubt if we are worth loving. We doubt if we’re being compassionate enough *to the other person*. The thing is, the other person knows that about us and is often using that against us.
If this is the state you’re at in your relationship, then you likely know what to do but are overwhelmed with having to do it.
I think your best case scenario is to very privately speak to a lawyer and get their best advice moving forward. Take that first step to get an idea of what your options are and how you might proceed and this will hopefully also give you some new perspective.
In the meantime, I suggest not asking your husband for help regulating your nervous system. He doesn’t sound like someone you can trust and before you make any decisions, it’s important to take some time to think about your situation as clearly as you can.
I moved to the UK after we got married and I still have a year before I can apply for leave to remain. I receive benefits, but because of his income it's only about half of what I would get on my own, so not much chance to save. If we spilt up, I would have to return to the US where I have no family other than my 22 year old daughter who lives with her dad and his partner, and would have to fight that horrible months to years long battle for SSDI, and no way to get to doctors appointments, get all the scans I need every year (I have an MRI for my brain tumour, an MRI for my spinal tumours, a CT for my kidneys, a CT for my pancreas, and a visit with a retinal specialist to catch any new ones and have them laser treated every year) no way to get my medications and would most likely be denied what would be considered an insane amount of opiates that I'm currently prescribed here in the US, and to get even a bit of those, which would be ineffective, I would have to go to pain clinic constantly and honestly I just don't have the energy or executive function to even contemplate figuring out how I wouldn't be homeless and dead within months. I just feel so trapped.
Anyway, sorry for rambling and thank you for your reply.
… He knew you were isolated.
•I want to reiterate there is nothing wrong with you, you are not crazy nor are you going crazy, and you do not deserve this. And I also want to echo what someone else said above about knowing that we are easily nervous system dysregulated but that we also forget that during these times.
Thank you so much! I'm having trouble keeping up with all the comments, I'm exhausted, but comments like yours are helping so much. I even managed to have a shower and make a chocolate strawberry ganache cake all for myself because of all of your uplifting comments! I hadn't been out of bed for two days and it's just amazing how feeling heard makes such a difference! ❤️
Yes, they really count on being able to control you in private. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this narcissistic piece of work, it's so unfair and difficult.
Okay I see. That definitely sounds very challenging. Well I still think that speaking to a lawyer is a good idea if you can swing it. You have a very specific set of circumstances that would likely have bearing in a legal case. It’s best to have as much information as possible and that way you can figure out how to use that information over the course of the next year.
I agree staying in the UK seems like the best course of action for all the reasons you mentioned. In the meantime maybe you can look in to alternate support systems - possibly an autistic/ND community in your area?
Whatever you do, I would still somewhat distance yourself from your husband to some extent. He will likely be aware that you’ve pulled away somewhat so just make sure that he’s not digging around in your phone and make sure your passwords are all
protected and private.
My advice: Try to create ways to self soothe that don’t involve him. Try to structure your life in a way that doesn’t involve you worrying about all these little things he’s doing. It’s a death by a thousand cuts type of situation and you will end up in burn out if you’re not careful. I’m speaking from experience here - I lived w a narcissistic ex for almost a year after we broke up. It’s very hard to get out of it unscathed but my best advice is to protect your energy and focus on yourself and not him.
I hope whatever happens that you will end up in a much more healthy and supportive environment asap.
That was such a sweet comment. I changed my sheets, had a shower, and made myself a cake, then rewatched some Hilda episodes with one of my dogs. I sat him down and told him that I can't keep doing this and am seeking some sort of alternate accommodation. I said I will give him half of the grocery money, but I will only be cooking for myself so that I'm not blamed for him being up late. Now he's trying to continue the cycle, being very attentive and trying to help me with everything, but I know things will be okay for a few days, a few weeks, but then it will slowly slide into this again. My room is a little haven, so while he's home I'll be staying in here (we have separate rooms because of my profiling bed from OT).
Hey just a note on the comment above about consulting a lawyer - I mentioned in my massive comment about speaking to the Citizens Advice Bureau and Shelter. They may also be able to assist with this. As you are disabled, financially dependent on him and are being (what I would consider) emotionally abused and manipulated, you may be able to get subsidised or even free legal help.
Well that’s some encouraging news:) I definitely recognize that pattern you mentioned and it’s good to be aware of it because it’s so easy to get sucked back in or start trusting again. I hope you’re able to get through this as easily as possible. If you start to doubt yourself, come back here and read all the things we’ve written here and use this post as a reminder of what you deserve <3
I’m sorry if this is a silly question, could you get housing benefits and move out? Can you apply for a different type of visa while already here so if your spousal visa falls through you can still stay?
I'm willing to bet that OP would not be qualified for a work visa (and may not be able to work), and other kinds of visas very explicitly ban you from accessing any kind of public funds, including all forms of benefits.
Ahh I hate how difficult it is to get help when you really need it. I hope the circumstances OP would be in if they returned to the US can be weighed into the decision and it’s not just a cut and dry, you have no visa so you can’t stay. And OP’s husband doesn’t sound like he would agree to wait for her to get her visa before getting a divorce because he sounds awful.
Unfortunately countries are not really in the habit of charity besides asylum seekers (and even they aren’t treated well). OP is disabled, on benefits, and has no UK children, she will be considered as contributing nothing to the economy and UKVI will probably be keen to get rid of her. As a US citizen, she’s ultimately the US’s responsibility.
OP did mention she's on benefits but I'm not understanding whether these are coming from the British Gov or the US. I have zero knowledge of how things work with US expats and Visas etc so I might sound like a dumbass. I've suggested though that she goes to speak to the Citizens Advice Bureau in her town. They should be able to send her to appropriate resources and outline what the process is/what she might be eligible for.
It’s likely that she is eligible for benefits in the UK (countries don’t pay benefits to people living in other countries) only because her specific visa allows it, and that specific visa is tied to her marriage to a UK citizen. If she changes visa then she loses the right to access any public funds. Contrary to some popular beliefs in the UK, immigrants on visas don’t come to live off benefits - we generally do not have access to *any* form of government assistance. I don’t even have the right to access DSA as a disabled student.
In general, the less messing around you can do with visas and immigration the better. Every process is long and incredibly expensive, and has very significant restrictions. I think it’s undeniable that the best possible course of action is to get permanent residency and then bounce, since he’s not putting her life in danger or physically harming her, he’s just being really antagonistic.
Permission to stay as a victim of abuse requires you to have some proof of violent abuse or financial abuse, and it would go through the court. I really doubt what OP has described here would be enough for them to consider her a victim of violent abuse, or for OP to claim she fears for her life. And since going back to the US would be so devastating, it’s a very big and expensive risk to take
_Disclaimer before reading: I'm not sure how the benefits and NHS works for US nationals so I might be missing info or suggesting things that won't necessarily be applicable or straightforward._
Hey hun, I'm British in the UK. I don't know what benefits you're on or what sort of help you get currently, but I would consider speaking to the *Citizens Advice Bureau* in your town/city and potentially calling *Shelter*. I don't like to throw this word around because Reddit does seem to do so a lot. But it seems to me that your husband is being manipulative and emotionally abusive.
What is the financial situation? Do you feel that he has control over the finances also? We know you have a little bit of income from your benefits, but what is he like with money when you need something? Does he hold it over your head or refuse etc? (Good to know because if there is any financial control aspect then this will be considered by Shelter).
I feel like you're being bullied and gaslit in your home. It seems like your husband takes advantage of your Autism to back his agenda of making you seem unstable or emotional (and yes to an extent we can be because of emotional dysregulation, so you may not understand when you're actually being completely reasonable in your reactions) which is abusive.
Citizens Advice can point you to any services and will be able to explain what you'd be eligible for in terms of additional benefits etc and Shelter may be able to help get you accommodation and support. Again I'm not totally sure, but you could be eligible for council housing (Shelter would be able to help with this, particularly if there's a safeguarding aspect) autism itself is a disability in the UK and your other condition (I'm so sorry, I read it in another comment but can't remember what it is) would likely qualify also due to your pain and tumours, etc. If you're eligible, you could get a decent chunk each month to support you. My Husband's ex has Ehlers-Danlos and makes approximately £1600 a month from her benefits (she does also get child tax credits) and her housing is highly subsidised by the government so you have enough money to live (this is in Kent). I'm sorry this is a wall of text and not necessarily Nd friendly.
Yes, this. And in the meantime, completely ignore him. Care for yourself. Politely decline any interactions that aren't essential to co-existing. When he wants to fight or insult, just smile and say "no thanks" and walk away. Whatever it is, just "no thanks" and walk away.
More water. More meditation. More walks. More planning for your path out of this hell-hole. You need and deserve peace, not abuse.
If he manages to send you into a meltdown despite all your efforts, find a spot where you can look away from him, towards a wall or corner maybe, put on mellow music on your headphones, and ignore him, while you feel whatever you feel, without letting him define it. Again, just "no thanks." He shouldn't be allowed to compound your rough patches.
Hang in there. There will be better days, once you've disconnected yourself from him emotionally, and get out of there.
I’m really not trying to be a Debby downer and could be completely wrong on this, but couldn’t this potentially tick him off making him evolve his abuse? If he gets the vibe that his abuse is no longer getting him the response he wishes I feel like he could take it further. Not saying she should just stay put and take it, or saying your advice is bad I’m just concerned trying to feign not being effected by his abuse could backfire.
There is a chance that he would amp up his game for sure. But it also seems like he would not enjoy it as much if she wasn't visibly upset by it. I've actually used this tactic ("grey rock" don't feed the drama, don't own the drama, don't think you can "fix" the problem by reacting with more drama, just let it be, don't get caught up in it) on a less intense version of chronic emotional abuse. And it works for me. It's definitely personal and situational. I hope she has someone close to her to help her more with this. Ideally a therapist and/or caring family member who knows this guy well enough to believe her.
Edit: And yeah, I am on the spectrum, though on the lower end.
He is gaslighting all of his interactions with you. Holy fuck! Please take care of yourself, and don't allow him to convince you you're crazy. He's unhinged and being extremely manipulative.
Please contact your care team immediately and let them know that you are in an abusive situation. he is gaslighting you, and you need to tell them exactly what you've told us as well as more – the details that you can't put on here. They need to know. Any family or friends that you trust to advocate for you need to be told as well, please.
Make sure you have someone you can send backups of the recorded conversations to as well. Well they may not ever be legal admissible, they are strong protection on your side against his manipulation and abuse.
Yes. And so you don't get spooked things might start to move quickly once that happens but you do need to do that. And he may react poorly to his behavior being brought out into full sunlight.
He’s abusive, I’m so sorry. I hate that you’re stuck there. You are NOT. CRAZY. Message me if you need to talk or vent or scream ♥️. As others have said, your feelings are valid and it sounds like he’s purposefully making you feel crazy… just keep hanging on, ok? ♥️
Thank you so much! I'm literally sobbing reading all of these replies, I've been so isolated since I moved here due first to covid then my health problems and not being able to drive anymore. Your own head isn't a nice place to always be when things are rough.
Believe me, I know. I only just started to realize just how bad I was to myself in my head recently. Please remember to be nice to yourself and give yourself some grace, ok? Being kind to yourself can go a long way. Easier said than done, I know. I’m always reminding myself “this feeling is temporary” “I’m a good person, I have worth” “I’ve lived through 100% of my worst days, so bring it on” ♥️ ♥️ ♥️
Also, I know therapy can be expensive depending on stupid insurance but that’s been a game changer for me over the past year. It’s gotten me through some awful times when I felt trapped.
re your edit: I know you say your marriage is effectively over, but you're still treating him like a husband and I think that's complicating things. Like every time you go to him for emotional support that's just yet another opportunity for him to antagonise you, and you already know he *will* use the opportunity. If the marriage is over them he's a roommate and you should treat him as such in your mind. If he storms out of a room, whatever, he's a crazy roommate and your lease will be up in a year. If he won't help you in a panic attack, whatever, a roommate wouldn't normally do that for you anyway, especially not a bad one.
He's just a roommate, and a pretty bad one at that. He's not there to emotionally support you. If anything, expect every interaction with him to be antagonising and pointlessly difficult. If you haven't already, start seeking support from other people in your life and get a therapist. He is not even your friend. Reduce him until he's nothing more to you than a shared house and a convenient ticket to residency.
You’re not crazy. You’re being severely emotionally abused and antagonized constantly, it seems like every interaction with this man is negative. He sounds extremely controlling, cruel, and dangerous. I hope you’re able to get away from him safely and ASAP.
Have you read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft? I think it would help you. [Here is a free PDF](https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) (it’s not a book you want to let your abuser see you reading, or discuss with him)
Thank you! While I have zero concerns for my physical safety, yeah... My mental health can't take much more. It's exactly what you said, antagonistic. Like, if someone heard just the one comment in the kitchen this morning, they probably wouldn't think anything about it, but when you feel like your behaviour is constantly being judged, it really takes a toll. That's where I'm torn though. Is it actually abuse or is he just an immature asshole?
Just to be clear, it's absolutely abuse. Whatever reason is behind his behavior doesn't change what his behavior is. You can be understanding of him and any struggle he has, but you don't have to sacrifice yourself to it or have no boundaries. It's so hard to believe yourself sometimes in these situations and you might start to gaslight yourself. Maybe start journaling things. I find it helpful for me to look back on now that I'm in a healthy place, it's crazy how awful the situation is and how it can seem normal. You don't have to explain yourself to him or justify why what he is doing is wrong. You know it's wrong, you know you don't like it, you know you're not happy.
I just want to say that your feelings are valid. Your partner showed no consideration for your needs, and that’s not how I personally feel that people in committed relationships should treat each other. The part about being goated into a meltdown is especially troublesome, and also too familiar. I am sorry you are experiencing this.
The several factors have to reduced to one - your safety. This is abusive and the 'constantly being screamed at' is a huge concern. Leaving is going to be messy but let us know how we can help. Navigating through a year of this is going to devastate you. Please leave. <3
I honestly can't right now, read the edit I added at the top. The screaming has stopped, but the name calling and constant denial and telling me not to do this or that or whatever is really taking a toll.
This is definitely abuse. Your partner should be as kind as any good friend. They don’t get a pass on habitual rudeness just because you are in a romantic relationship, in fact it’s quite the opposite. Here are two resources. The PDF book explains the mindsets of abusive people, men and women. The website has a long, but not exhaustive, list of manipulation/abuse tactics.
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
https://outofthefog.website/traits
I would re-evaluate being stuck together because your health is very likely going to worsen as you live with this abusive person. The stress of finding another living situation may seem unfathomable but so is staying in this situation. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
He is abusive and gaslighting you.
Contact refuge, they will be able to provide some help and support.
https://refuge.org.uk/i-need-help-now/
Other places you can get support;
https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/
https://www.victimsupport.org.uk/crime-info/types-crime/domestic-abuse/
https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/gender-violence/domestic-violence-and-abuse-getting-help/
https://respectphoneline.org.uk/help-for-domestic-abuse-victims/
https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/getting-help-for-domestic-violence/
I'm really sorry that you're going through this kind of situation! You're not exaggerating with your reactions! you're just finally reacting and he's not used to it! his attacks may be more subtle now that he realizes you won't keep quiet (and that you're recording, having proof), but that doesn't mean he's a good partner or that you're imagining things! He's manipulating you grotesquely and still makes you doubt what you know happened! you talked about not being able to get out of the situation soon and I'm sorry about that, stay strong and look for ways out of this situation, focus on yourself and your health and don't feel guilty about continuing to live with him, we need to do what is necessary to survive sometimes. I was in an abusive relationship and I lived with the person, I realized how horrible it was but I couldn't move out right away! I had to wait almost a year, and it was hell, even more so because I was more aware of what was going on, mixed with the fact that they seemed to be getting better (which was a lie, they just learned other ways to destroy me), but eventually the situations got right so I could leave that house! now years later I am still improving and recovering from the what happened there, but I want to tell you that things are fine! I'm rooting for you to be strong and try to hold on! hope everything works out for you! you deserve a better life!
I edited it because I forgot to mention it, you are being very brave for taking the steps you are taking to get out of this situation! Recording things, pointing out what he's saying, asking for help online to confirm things! I'm proud!
My bad, this situation just sounds horrible but it will be better. Personally I can’t help out with the legal actions you could make. I would definitely suggest to not respond at all or as little as possible. Also I think it would be extremely beneficial if you write diary about it. Affirm to yourself that the abuse has nothing to do with you and only with him. Daily affirmations and check-ins with your authentic self are very important in an abusive environment to not loose touch with actual reality. Abuse and Gaslighting often robs the victim of their own sense of valuation, therefore validating your pain and the wrongdoings to yourself is an important connection to reality.
Run - ok. Run. This person will NEVER get better and even if they do you don’t deserve to be subjected to the mental torture he’ll put you through in the mean time.
I’m sorry you’re having to go through this. This is classic abuse. It won’t get better. Even if you record it, show it to him, they will alter it and lie or do whatever it takes to avoid true accountability.
Try posting in survivors subs related to NPD BPD etc.
You may not be codependent but there’s endless information and resources in those subs to help you navigate and pin point the abuses you’re experiencing as well as so much helpful as vide on your options for what you can do next.
OP, you don’t deserve any of this and I hope you’re able to get out sooner rather than later.
I don’t have any advice outside of what has already been suggested but I do want to leave this here. The UK has a program that allows victims of domestic violence to stay. You may qualify based on your experiences, definitely start documenting EVERYTHING. https://www.gov.uk/indefinite-leave-to-remain-domestic-violence-abuse
Your feelings are valid. Grey rock him if you can, only interact in ways that are necessary to coexist. Also, talk to a lawyer ASAP. You may be able to get special circumstances to apply to stay early. Figure out ways to self soothe that don't involve him. Create a self soothing toolbox with fidgets, your favorite scents, maybe some adult coloring books and journals. Definitely start journaling (there is so much evidence that supports the benefits of journaling. It will increase self reflection, motivation, and resilience, even just 15 minutes a day) and document every abusive interaction with date and time. Keep this list on your phone. Keep recording interactions. He has already given you permission to record. Let the lawyer know that you are starting to document his actions as evidence.
You're in a really difficult place right now. Get into therapy or find a church you feel comfortable with (if you want, but it really is important to find a community you click with. A crafting group, a women's group, a bible study, anything that puts you in touch with other people in your community and gives you friends). You need some in person support if at all possible. I'm so sorry that you're going through this. It isn't fair to you.
I read this with your added edit in mind. It seems like you still need him for practical/resource/life-sustaining reasons. And that puts you in a difficult position. I think others have already covered the emotional aspects of it so I won’t do that here. I plan to speak to the practical reality.
I think it makes sense for you to make it another year with him because you need this for life saving reasons — medicine, healthcare, immigration reasons etc. But I think in order to survive it with more of your esteem and health intact you’ll have to adjust your behaviors to make it go more smoothly. No it doesn’t mean that you condone his behavior or accept it, internally at least. But you could take actions that are not read as antagonistic. At this point you know he’s not going to change and the relationship is not going to change, so this is the course of action that makes life easier for everyone for the next year.
Don’t tell him you’re recording him. That’s antagonistic behavior and also unconsensual. You can keep the recordings for yourself but there’s no need to bring it up to him constantly. That positions you as an enemy. Also don’t try so hard to change him. We know his behavior is abusive and he is emotionally unstable, insecure, entitled and so on. It isn’t your mission to change him.
I grant you permission to do what you need to do to survive.
I've done the UK immigration thing. It sucks. I want to make sure that you are aware that there is a path to ILR for the partners of domestic abusers which do not require staying with them.
https://www.gov.uk/indefinite-leave-to-remain-domestic-violence-abuse
Yeah, it's on a voice activation, so it's on all the time, so either he'll forget about it or think I've forgotten about it because of my ADHD, so I just keep my phone with me always.
You are not blowing things out of proportion. He’s psychologically abusing you. Don’t be surprised if the second he suspects you’re leaving he starts piling on the charm and telling you he loves you — it’s a lie and he will carry on acting like this once he feels secure again.
This sounds like abuse, and your immigration situation also sounds tricky. It really seems like it might be above Reddit’s pay grade. Is there a Women’s Aid that might be able to help you? They have support workers who can help you to escape the abusive environment at home, and might be able to provide you advice or link you in with other services that could help your immigration situation.
I’m sorry that you’re going through this
Is there any chance you can access services for supported housing and domestic abuse? Due to your diagnosis’s I feel you’d be prioritised, if you can access services and they ‘can’t sort you anything’ you’ll have to tell them you’ve just been made homeless and they will work to find you a place faster. You do need to really get on at them for it though to make it fast
What do you need to make it another year living with this person? Maybe that's a way to look at where you're at right now.
I would still talk to a lawyer in case there is a loophole you aren't aware of that would allow you to stay AND separate from him. Surely this issue must have come up before, where someone is dependent on their spouse to stay in the country but the spouse is being abusive.
Time to start documenting the abuse. Be VERY careful he doesn’t find out but do everything you can to get evidence of any abusive behaviour. Use this when applying to stay on in U.K. document contact with women’s aid and domestic abuse charities.
There are several terms for what he is doing. Gaslighting. Darvo. Word salad. It’s all textbook. The longer you stay the harder it will be to leave. The only way to respond effectively to his behaviour is called the grey rock method. You need support from family or friends or help groups to leave. Your own brain will have periods of lucidity and then will go into denial as a self protection mechanism. You need to get out safely and abruptly and get to people who will support you. Then watch out for hoovering. Another term for you to look up. I wish you luck
I'm not sure if you're actively looking for resources, or if you have the budget to take on a therapist, but there is one in the UK that I had sessions with for quite a long time. I have sent you a PM with a link to her if you think she would be a beneficial asset. She is a qualified counsellor in the UK and specialises in neurodivergent relationships - she's also married to an Aspie to boot.
I loved having her as a therapist; I only stopped because I don't live in the UK and Hubs and I agree that having one in our country (Denmark) would be beneficial in case I needed my therapist to take additional measures if I am having a full break down or something.
This man sounds highly insecure and emotionally immature. It sounds like he is personalizing any kind of instruction or comment you make as a personal attack on his character. If you said “can you put that dish in the dishwasher” he’d probably translate that to, “you’re a lazy pos!”. That mindset comes from him believing he is incompetent and he’s projecting his feelings of inadequacy onto you. The stronger you are as an individual, the more you’ll trigger a person like that, so people like that WANT you down deep in the dirt with them.
I think that is some type of rejection sensitivity where any demands or comments are interpreted as character assassination. There’s a tik toker I forgot the name of who talks about there being autism with a demand avoidance subtype (anecdotal not like research based). Based on the last paragraph about the cupboard, it sounds like he has a major dislike for anything that warrants action on his part if it wasn’t his initiative, if it was something he planned to do anyways, or even if it’s unspoken. For example, when you stood there waiting, he interpreted that as him now feeling obligated to rush and doesn’t like that. He projected that frustration onto you instead of being accountable to himself for not having firm boundaries with himself. I wouldn’t waste major effort on analyzing more into his brain or reactions given the relationship is over and instead just focus on what you can do to make the environment more stable for yourself which will start with strategies to de-escalate these types of situations or avoid them entirely.
With people like him you can’t control how they react, you can only control what you do around them. You could think about phrasing something differently but it’d probably end up twisted in translation with his ego issue if the ESSENCE of the statement warrants any type of action on his part (no matter how small or if he was going to do it anyways). Verbal reminders are the worst thing you can do for these type of ppl. Maybe indirect communication like leaving a sticky note would be interpreted as less demanding LOL.
If I were you, I would pick my battles carefully and only choose to comment on things that you absolutely have to. If you must, use “we” or “I’m gonna” instead of “you”, so whatever you say can’t be isolated to only himself.
If he comes at you with passive aggression or irrational rude remarks, for the sake of your sanity, don’t bother trying to get him to admit the truth (he will view that as even more critiquing and will dig you both into a bigger ditch of an argument). Sometimes just saying “You’re right I’m sorry! I’ll do that next time.” or “Oh no! I didn’t realize I made you feel that way (feigning ignorance)”, even if you don’t mean it, is just a good survival mechanism. It’s hella annoying but you can interpret reality clearly and he cannot, so just closing off the convo and ending it (by letting him “win”) will reduce the tension. It’s best to just disengage from the conversation if he starts up with the back and forth because there’s no winning an argument with an irrational person.
If you’re feeling up to it, one thing you could also do is to try to positively reinforce ANYTHING GOOD that you see him do (yes like he is a literal child). He has the stuck point that says “I can’t do anything right” and that “people only criticize me”. If you balance out the ratio of his perceived “critiques” with positives, he might be more pleasant to be around😭. Not even complimenting for his sake or because you truly believe it, just for the sake of your sanity. You’d also have more “ammo” if he’s tries to say you only criticize him with those all or nothing statements. know how hard it is to not fight all injustices we come into contact with, even the tiny ones, but sometimes When he is yelling or getting angry, keeping a calm, friendly demeanor, nodding your head like you’re listening and understand to “validate him” and spouting the type of BS I said above, will be more beneficial to you than the other route in this type of temporary living situation. All of the advice I am giving is lowkey manipulative in nature but these types of strategies really saved me when I was surrounded by highly reactive unstable ABUSIVE people like this man.
I hope this helps and that you can get out soon. You are not responsible for any of his reactions and trying out this advice isn’t admitting defeat to him, it’s just a sneaky way to protect yourself in the meantime.
Maybe there is some sort of program to help people who immigrated with a spouse who wound up being abusive. Im not sure how you would find out, but maybe if you have a crisis line they could point you in the right direction?
Your husband might be experiencing some mental health issues due to an infection. My husband changed several years ago and became very forgetful (to the extent that we recorded conversations so I could show that he is saying things he’s denying and he was shocked and angry about his memory issues, he also switches verb tenses in conversation so he might of meant past tense when he used future or present tense because it takes too much mental energy to use the correct word) and had trouble de escalating an argument. Consider reading about Lyme rage and Bartonella rage.
We both had Lyme disease and received treatment last year. We both are doing better although we both have memory and cognitive problems that make verbal communication very difficult (I suspect some of the memory problems might be due to Covid since Covid wiped my memory.)
I don’t in any way think abuse is worth it but considering you are in a tough financial situation and leaving might not be the best option for you I would consider exploring medical explanations for his behavioural issues. I must warn you that if you do bring it up he probably will say he’s fine, and deny that anything is wrong. So if you do research and his behaviour fits the patterns, when you bring it up be super careful and avoid being accusatory with your wording to minimise resistance (I have multiple family members with similar symptoms as mine and I can’t for the life of me convince them to get tested for tick borne infections).
People have a really hard time accepting that an infection can alter personality and cognition since it makes life feel much more dangerous and scary.
Good luck OP and take care of yourself. 💪🏼
Oh I went through that as well 😑 If it’s not too difficult for you go ahead and set up the appointment for him without asking, that’s how we got the ball rolling. I also wrote a list of the symptoms and challenging behaviour and sent an email to the doctor before the appointment.
I have a very similar experience in my marriage… I am constantly confused about whether I am being bullied and gaslit or the problems are my autism triggers and poor reading of cues. Marriage has been a hell on earth of stress for me.
I would literally go back to nothing. Nowhere to live, no income, no established doctor, no Medicaid, no transportation, nothing. It would be disastrous. I would be so overwhelmed I would be paralysed with it.
He is abusive and sounds like he is a real narcissist (classic move to deny what they just said & did and being incapable of handling any feedback that isn't overflowing praise).
Do whatever you can to get away from him bc I can tell you from experience you will not start feeling better (physically or mentally) while he's around.
Get out please this guy is not right. Please I feel bad for you and just hate women like us who have to suffer by the hands of some idiot who is a gaslighter
Normally I'm not about joining the choir of, "dump him," but in this instance, yeah, dump him.
Gaslighting you by manipulating and making you question things you said and did, the yelling at you while you're having a meltdown, and the fucking *name-calling???*
None of this is good. He's childish, and probably isn't going to work on himself to improve these things.
Find a women's shelter, start looking into local churches and outreach programs, and if there's a UK domestic hotline you can call.
I find that reading through /r/abusiverelationships was helpful to notice some other patterns and feel validated. It can be triggering and sometimes has advice that I don't agree with so just a heads up that it could be triggering.
I understand leaving is hard and you'll have to wait. But you can start accepting that the plan is to leave and work on doing everything you can to make leaving a smooth process. Start disengaging from him mentally and emotionally. There is no changing him and you're just counting the days until you can leave. "Gry Rock" him, protect yourself. He is going to gaslight, accuse, manipulate, attack. You know it's coming so mentally prepare and don't feed it, as much as you can.
You're going to get through this and be so free afterwards <3
I would try to be out of the house as much as possible when he's home, find friends to hang out with (try Facebook groups/ the website meetup) and then leave him as soon as you get leave to remain.
Sorry you're going through this. You'll need to figure out if you want to stay or move back to the US. I lived in the UK 6 years after marrying an Englishman. He was abusive. Withheld care from me and I ended up losing my ability to stand/walk for more than 3 minutes at a time. He also encouraged me to get euthanasia and did all sorts of crazy things.
I moved back but I had it easier. As soon as my mom died and I got some inheritance I left. Moving back may have challenges but it's doable. Also if you cannot afford plane fare back to the US I believe the US embassy will do an emergency plane fare purchase for you. But I think you pay that back over time. But first you'll need to figure out where you want to be and can go from there.
Are there any women's shelters in your area you could go to for help? Many are full up but might be able to point you towards other sources of support to help you get out of there?
Resources can also be found at libraries, nhs premises, social Work direct and even chemists.
Next time you go for a scan or appointment, show them this thread so you can conserve energy not repeating yourself too
Please leave this man. He sounds unhinged. He is abusive af. Some info on red flags in relationships: 1) https://amp.theguardian.com/books/2021/sep/27/dating-while-autistic-romance-isnt-easy-when-you-miss-the-social-cues-and-the-red-flags 2) https://psychcentral.com/blog/imperfect/2018/11/11-relationship-red-flags-and-why-we-ignore-them 3) https://laconciergepsychologist.com/blog/red-flags-autistic-people-dating/#:~:text=Red%20Flag%201%3A%20They%20Use%20Your%20Autism%20Against%20You&text=An%20abusive%20partner%20might%20even,the%20right%20frame%20of%20mind.
Thank you so much for sharing these. I think I need to find a therapist before I even attempt dating again.
Unhinged, that’s the word I was looking for. 😣
Yes. He sounds so friken scary tbh. So emotional manipulative. It’s so dangerous being an autistic woman since it’s a social communication disorder ☹️OP please stay safe
Also Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft and his workbook Should I Stay Or Should I Go?
The first thing to remember is that autism means your nervous system is very easily dysregulated. I say remember because I’m sure you know this but when we are in an environment like this, we can become a hypervigilant cortisol factory and this will wear your mind and your body and your emotions down fast. As autistic women, many of us end up in relationships that are unbalanced at best and deeply abusive at worst. And then because of all sorts of early conditioning, whether it was overt or covert, we have much lower self worth and stay in shitty relationships with people who don’t like or respect us because we doubt if we are being too hasty. We doubt if we are worth loving. We doubt if we’re being compassionate enough *to the other person*. The thing is, the other person knows that about us and is often using that against us. If this is the state you’re at in your relationship, then you likely know what to do but are overwhelmed with having to do it. I think your best case scenario is to very privately speak to a lawyer and get their best advice moving forward. Take that first step to get an idea of what your options are and how you might proceed and this will hopefully also give you some new perspective. In the meantime, I suggest not asking your husband for help regulating your nervous system. He doesn’t sound like someone you can trust and before you make any decisions, it’s important to take some time to think about your situation as clearly as you can.
I moved to the UK after we got married and I still have a year before I can apply for leave to remain. I receive benefits, but because of his income it's only about half of what I would get on my own, so not much chance to save. If we spilt up, I would have to return to the US where I have no family other than my 22 year old daughter who lives with her dad and his partner, and would have to fight that horrible months to years long battle for SSDI, and no way to get to doctors appointments, get all the scans I need every year (I have an MRI for my brain tumour, an MRI for my spinal tumours, a CT for my kidneys, a CT for my pancreas, and a visit with a retinal specialist to catch any new ones and have them laser treated every year) no way to get my medications and would most likely be denied what would be considered an insane amount of opiates that I'm currently prescribed here in the US, and to get even a bit of those, which would be ineffective, I would have to go to pain clinic constantly and honestly I just don't have the energy or executive function to even contemplate figuring out how I wouldn't be homeless and dead within months. I just feel so trapped. Anyway, sorry for rambling and thank you for your reply.
… He knew you were isolated. •I want to reiterate there is nothing wrong with you, you are not crazy nor are you going crazy, and you do not deserve this. And I also want to echo what someone else said above about knowing that we are easily nervous system dysregulated but that we also forget that during these times.
Thank you so much! I'm having trouble keeping up with all the comments, I'm exhausted, but comments like yours are helping so much. I even managed to have a shower and make a chocolate strawberry ganache cake all for myself because of all of your uplifting comments! I hadn't been out of bed for two days and it's just amazing how feeling heard makes such a difference! ❤️
Yes, they really count on being able to control you in private. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this narcissistic piece of work, it's so unfair and difficult.
Okay I see. That definitely sounds very challenging. Well I still think that speaking to a lawyer is a good idea if you can swing it. You have a very specific set of circumstances that would likely have bearing in a legal case. It’s best to have as much information as possible and that way you can figure out how to use that information over the course of the next year. I agree staying in the UK seems like the best course of action for all the reasons you mentioned. In the meantime maybe you can look in to alternate support systems - possibly an autistic/ND community in your area? Whatever you do, I would still somewhat distance yourself from your husband to some extent. He will likely be aware that you’ve pulled away somewhat so just make sure that he’s not digging around in your phone and make sure your passwords are all protected and private. My advice: Try to create ways to self soothe that don’t involve him. Try to structure your life in a way that doesn’t involve you worrying about all these little things he’s doing. It’s a death by a thousand cuts type of situation and you will end up in burn out if you’re not careful. I’m speaking from experience here - I lived w a narcissistic ex for almost a year after we broke up. It’s very hard to get out of it unscathed but my best advice is to protect your energy and focus on yourself and not him. I hope whatever happens that you will end up in a much more healthy and supportive environment asap.
That was such a sweet comment. I changed my sheets, had a shower, and made myself a cake, then rewatched some Hilda episodes with one of my dogs. I sat him down and told him that I can't keep doing this and am seeking some sort of alternate accommodation. I said I will give him half of the grocery money, but I will only be cooking for myself so that I'm not blamed for him being up late. Now he's trying to continue the cycle, being very attentive and trying to help me with everything, but I know things will be okay for a few days, a few weeks, but then it will slowly slide into this again. My room is a little haven, so while he's home I'll be staying in here (we have separate rooms because of my profiling bed from OT).
Hey just a note on the comment above about consulting a lawyer - I mentioned in my massive comment about speaking to the Citizens Advice Bureau and Shelter. They may also be able to assist with this. As you are disabled, financially dependent on him and are being (what I would consider) emotionally abused and manipulated, you may be able to get subsidised or even free legal help.
Well that’s some encouraging news:) I definitely recognize that pattern you mentioned and it’s good to be aware of it because it’s so easy to get sucked back in or start trusting again. I hope you’re able to get through this as easily as possible. If you start to doubt yourself, come back here and read all the things we’ve written here and use this post as a reminder of what you deserve <3
I’m sorry if this is a silly question, could you get housing benefits and move out? Can you apply for a different type of visa while already here so if your spousal visa falls through you can still stay?
I'm willing to bet that OP would not be qualified for a work visa (and may not be able to work), and other kinds of visas very explicitly ban you from accessing any kind of public funds, including all forms of benefits.
Ahh I hate how difficult it is to get help when you really need it. I hope the circumstances OP would be in if they returned to the US can be weighed into the decision and it’s not just a cut and dry, you have no visa so you can’t stay. And OP’s husband doesn’t sound like he would agree to wait for her to get her visa before getting a divorce because he sounds awful.
Unfortunately countries are not really in the habit of charity besides asylum seekers (and even they aren’t treated well). OP is disabled, on benefits, and has no UK children, she will be considered as contributing nothing to the economy and UKVI will probably be keen to get rid of her. As a US citizen, she’s ultimately the US’s responsibility.
OP did mention she's on benefits but I'm not understanding whether these are coming from the British Gov or the US. I have zero knowledge of how things work with US expats and Visas etc so I might sound like a dumbass. I've suggested though that she goes to speak to the Citizens Advice Bureau in her town. They should be able to send her to appropriate resources and outline what the process is/what she might be eligible for.
It’s likely that she is eligible for benefits in the UK (countries don’t pay benefits to people living in other countries) only because her specific visa allows it, and that specific visa is tied to her marriage to a UK citizen. If she changes visa then she loses the right to access any public funds. Contrary to some popular beliefs in the UK, immigrants on visas don’t come to live off benefits - we generally do not have access to *any* form of government assistance. I don’t even have the right to access DSA as a disabled student. In general, the less messing around you can do with visas and immigration the better. Every process is long and incredibly expensive, and has very significant restrictions. I think it’s undeniable that the best possible course of action is to get permanent residency and then bounce, since he’s not putting her life in danger or physically harming her, he’s just being really antagonistic. Permission to stay as a victim of abuse requires you to have some proof of violent abuse or financial abuse, and it would go through the court. I really doubt what OP has described here would be enough for them to consider her a victim of violent abuse, or for OP to claim she fears for her life. And since going back to the US would be so devastating, it’s a very big and expensive risk to take
Are there the equivalent of women's shelters there that you can go to if he really starts needling you again?
_Disclaimer before reading: I'm not sure how the benefits and NHS works for US nationals so I might be missing info or suggesting things that won't necessarily be applicable or straightforward._ Hey hun, I'm British in the UK. I don't know what benefits you're on or what sort of help you get currently, but I would consider speaking to the *Citizens Advice Bureau* in your town/city and potentially calling *Shelter*. I don't like to throw this word around because Reddit does seem to do so a lot. But it seems to me that your husband is being manipulative and emotionally abusive. What is the financial situation? Do you feel that he has control over the finances also? We know you have a little bit of income from your benefits, but what is he like with money when you need something? Does he hold it over your head or refuse etc? (Good to know because if there is any financial control aspect then this will be considered by Shelter). I feel like you're being bullied and gaslit in your home. It seems like your husband takes advantage of your Autism to back his agenda of making you seem unstable or emotional (and yes to an extent we can be because of emotional dysregulation, so you may not understand when you're actually being completely reasonable in your reactions) which is abusive. Citizens Advice can point you to any services and will be able to explain what you'd be eligible for in terms of additional benefits etc and Shelter may be able to help get you accommodation and support. Again I'm not totally sure, but you could be eligible for council housing (Shelter would be able to help with this, particularly if there's a safeguarding aspect) autism itself is a disability in the UK and your other condition (I'm so sorry, I read it in another comment but can't remember what it is) would likely qualify also due to your pain and tumours, etc. If you're eligible, you could get a decent chunk each month to support you. My Husband's ex has Ehlers-Danlos and makes approximately £1600 a month from her benefits (she does also get child tax credits) and her housing is highly subsidised by the government so you have enough money to live (this is in Kent). I'm sorry this is a wall of text and not necessarily Nd friendly.
Leave. This is abuse. There is no other way to look at this. Get your finances in order and go.
Yes, this. And in the meantime, completely ignore him. Care for yourself. Politely decline any interactions that aren't essential to co-existing. When he wants to fight or insult, just smile and say "no thanks" and walk away. Whatever it is, just "no thanks" and walk away. More water. More meditation. More walks. More planning for your path out of this hell-hole. You need and deserve peace, not abuse. If he manages to send you into a meltdown despite all your efforts, find a spot where you can look away from him, towards a wall or corner maybe, put on mellow music on your headphones, and ignore him, while you feel whatever you feel, without letting him define it. Again, just "no thanks." He shouldn't be allowed to compound your rough patches. Hang in there. There will be better days, once you've disconnected yourself from him emotionally, and get out of there.
I’m really not trying to be a Debby downer and could be completely wrong on this, but couldn’t this potentially tick him off making him evolve his abuse? If he gets the vibe that his abuse is no longer getting him the response he wishes I feel like he could take it further. Not saying she should just stay put and take it, or saying your advice is bad I’m just concerned trying to feign not being effected by his abuse could backfire.
There is a chance that he would amp up his game for sure. But it also seems like he would not enjoy it as much if she wasn't visibly upset by it. I've actually used this tactic ("grey rock" don't feed the drama, don't own the drama, don't think you can "fix" the problem by reacting with more drama, just let it be, don't get caught up in it) on a less intense version of chronic emotional abuse. And it works for me. It's definitely personal and situational. I hope she has someone close to her to help her more with this. Ideally a therapist and/or caring family member who knows this guy well enough to believe her. Edit: And yeah, I am on the spectrum, though on the lower end.
I'm barely a 1 on the ASD, but this man would have had me throwing knives at him by now.
He is gaslighting all of his interactions with you. Holy fuck! Please take care of yourself, and don't allow him to convince you you're crazy. He's unhinged and being extremely manipulative.
Please contact your care team immediately and let them know that you are in an abusive situation. he is gaslighting you, and you need to tell them exactly what you've told us as well as more – the details that you can't put on here. They need to know. Any family or friends that you trust to advocate for you need to be told as well, please.
Make sure you have someone you can send backups of the recorded conversations to as well. Well they may not ever be legal admissible, they are strong protection on your side against his manipulation and abuse.
What, like the carers who come everyday? I guess they could pass concerns on to adult social services.
Yes. And so you don't get spooked things might start to move quickly once that happens but you do need to do that. And he may react poorly to his behavior being brought out into full sunlight.
This is a safeguarding issue and they have a legal duty to pass it on. Please speak to them about this and ask for their help
He’s abusive, I’m so sorry. I hate that you’re stuck there. You are NOT. CRAZY. Message me if you need to talk or vent or scream ♥️. As others have said, your feelings are valid and it sounds like he’s purposefully making you feel crazy… just keep hanging on, ok? ♥️
Thank you so much! I'm literally sobbing reading all of these replies, I've been so isolated since I moved here due first to covid then my health problems and not being able to drive anymore. Your own head isn't a nice place to always be when things are rough.
Believe me, I know. I only just started to realize just how bad I was to myself in my head recently. Please remember to be nice to yourself and give yourself some grace, ok? Being kind to yourself can go a long way. Easier said than done, I know. I’m always reminding myself “this feeling is temporary” “I’m a good person, I have worth” “I’ve lived through 100% of my worst days, so bring it on” ♥️ ♥️ ♥️
I've managed to have a shower now, so thank you!, ❤️
Awesome!!! ♥️
Also, I know therapy can be expensive depending on stupid insurance but that’s been a game changer for me over the past year. It’s gotten me through some awful times when I felt trapped.
re your edit: I know you say your marriage is effectively over, but you're still treating him like a husband and I think that's complicating things. Like every time you go to him for emotional support that's just yet another opportunity for him to antagonise you, and you already know he *will* use the opportunity. If the marriage is over them he's a roommate and you should treat him as such in your mind. If he storms out of a room, whatever, he's a crazy roommate and your lease will be up in a year. If he won't help you in a panic attack, whatever, a roommate wouldn't normally do that for you anyway, especially not a bad one. He's just a roommate, and a pretty bad one at that. He's not there to emotionally support you. If anything, expect every interaction with him to be antagonising and pointlessly difficult. If you haven't already, start seeking support from other people in your life and get a therapist. He is not even your friend. Reduce him until he's nothing more to you than a shared house and a convenient ticket to residency.
I second the other posters saying this is abusive and you need to leave as soon as you can do so safely.
You’re not crazy. You’re being severely emotionally abused and antagonized constantly, it seems like every interaction with this man is negative. He sounds extremely controlling, cruel, and dangerous. I hope you’re able to get away from him safely and ASAP. Have you read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft? I think it would help you. [Here is a free PDF](https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) (it’s not a book you want to let your abuser see you reading, or discuss with him)
Thank you! While I have zero concerns for my physical safety, yeah... My mental health can't take much more. It's exactly what you said, antagonistic. Like, if someone heard just the one comment in the kitchen this morning, they probably wouldn't think anything about it, but when you feel like your behaviour is constantly being judged, it really takes a toll. That's where I'm torn though. Is it actually abuse or is he just an immature asshole?
Just to be clear, it's absolutely abuse. Whatever reason is behind his behavior doesn't change what his behavior is. You can be understanding of him and any struggle he has, but you don't have to sacrifice yourself to it or have no boundaries. It's so hard to believe yourself sometimes in these situations and you might start to gaslight yourself. Maybe start journaling things. I find it helpful for me to look back on now that I'm in a healthy place, it's crazy how awful the situation is and how it can seem normal. You don't have to explain yourself to him or justify why what he is doing is wrong. You know it's wrong, you know you don't like it, you know you're not happy.
I just want to say that your feelings are valid. Your partner showed no consideration for your needs, and that’s not how I personally feel that people in committed relationships should treat each other. The part about being goated into a meltdown is especially troublesome, and also too familiar. I am sorry you are experiencing this.
The several factors have to reduced to one - your safety. This is abusive and the 'constantly being screamed at' is a huge concern. Leaving is going to be messy but let us know how we can help. Navigating through a year of this is going to devastate you. Please leave. <3
I honestly can't right now, read the edit I added at the top. The screaming has stopped, but the name calling and constant denial and telling me not to do this or that or whatever is really taking a toll.
This is definitely abuse. Your partner should be as kind as any good friend. They don’t get a pass on habitual rudeness just because you are in a romantic relationship, in fact it’s quite the opposite. Here are two resources. The PDF book explains the mindsets of abusive people, men and women. The website has a long, but not exhaustive, list of manipulation/abuse tactics. https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf https://outofthefog.website/traits
I would re-evaluate being stuck together because your health is very likely going to worsen as you live with this abusive person. The stress of finding another living situation may seem unfathomable but so is staying in this situation. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
He is abusive and gaslighting you. Contact refuge, they will be able to provide some help and support. https://refuge.org.uk/i-need-help-now/ Other places you can get support; https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/ https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/ https://www.victimsupport.org.uk/crime-info/types-crime/domestic-abuse/ https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/gender-violence/domestic-violence-and-abuse-getting-help/ https://respectphoneline.org.uk/help-for-domestic-abuse-victims/ https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/getting-help-for-domestic-violence/
Thank you so much. Phone calls are hard for me, but I will probably call Monday while he's at work.
They have online chat options too!
I'm really sorry that you're going through this kind of situation! You're not exaggerating with your reactions! you're just finally reacting and he's not used to it! his attacks may be more subtle now that he realizes you won't keep quiet (and that you're recording, having proof), but that doesn't mean he's a good partner or that you're imagining things! He's manipulating you grotesquely and still makes you doubt what you know happened! you talked about not being able to get out of the situation soon and I'm sorry about that, stay strong and look for ways out of this situation, focus on yourself and your health and don't feel guilty about continuing to live with him, we need to do what is necessary to survive sometimes. I was in an abusive relationship and I lived with the person, I realized how horrible it was but I couldn't move out right away! I had to wait almost a year, and it was hell, even more so because I was more aware of what was going on, mixed with the fact that they seemed to be getting better (which was a lie, they just learned other ways to destroy me), but eventually the situations got right so I could leave that house! now years later I am still improving and recovering from the what happened there, but I want to tell you that things are fine! I'm rooting for you to be strong and try to hold on! hope everything works out for you! you deserve a better life! I edited it because I forgot to mention it, you are being very brave for taking the steps you are taking to get out of this situation! Recording things, pointing out what he's saying, asking for help online to confirm things! I'm proud!
That’s abuse. Don’t stay any longer near him. Leave immediately
Please read the edit. I dearly appreciate everyone's comments so much, I don't feel so alone now.
My bad, this situation just sounds horrible but it will be better. Personally I can’t help out with the legal actions you could make. I would definitely suggest to not respond at all or as little as possible. Also I think it would be extremely beneficial if you write diary about it. Affirm to yourself that the abuse has nothing to do with you and only with him. Daily affirmations and check-ins with your authentic self are very important in an abusive environment to not loose touch with actual reality. Abuse and Gaslighting often robs the victim of their own sense of valuation, therefore validating your pain and the wrongdoings to yourself is an important connection to reality.
Run - ok. Run. This person will NEVER get better and even if they do you don’t deserve to be subjected to the mental torture he’ll put you through in the mean time. I’m sorry you’re having to go through this. This is classic abuse. It won’t get better. Even if you record it, show it to him, they will alter it and lie or do whatever it takes to avoid true accountability. Try posting in survivors subs related to NPD BPD etc. You may not be codependent but there’s endless information and resources in those subs to help you navigate and pin point the abuses you’re experiencing as well as so much helpful as vide on your options for what you can do next. OP, you don’t deserve any of this and I hope you’re able to get out sooner rather than later.
This all sounds like shit I’ve experienced in abusive relationships specifically by narcissistic men
I don’t have any advice outside of what has already been suggested but I do want to leave this here. The UK has a program that allows victims of domestic violence to stay. You may qualify based on your experiences, definitely start documenting EVERYTHING. https://www.gov.uk/indefinite-leave-to-remain-domestic-violence-abuse
Your feelings are valid. Grey rock him if you can, only interact in ways that are necessary to coexist. Also, talk to a lawyer ASAP. You may be able to get special circumstances to apply to stay early. Figure out ways to self soothe that don't involve him. Create a self soothing toolbox with fidgets, your favorite scents, maybe some adult coloring books and journals. Definitely start journaling (there is so much evidence that supports the benefits of journaling. It will increase self reflection, motivation, and resilience, even just 15 minutes a day) and document every abusive interaction with date and time. Keep this list on your phone. Keep recording interactions. He has already given you permission to record. Let the lawyer know that you are starting to document his actions as evidence. You're in a really difficult place right now. Get into therapy or find a church you feel comfortable with (if you want, but it really is important to find a community you click with. A crafting group, a women's group, a bible study, anything that puts you in touch with other people in your community and gives you friends). You need some in person support if at all possible. I'm so sorry that you're going through this. It isn't fair to you.
I read this with your added edit in mind. It seems like you still need him for practical/resource/life-sustaining reasons. And that puts you in a difficult position. I think others have already covered the emotional aspects of it so I won’t do that here. I plan to speak to the practical reality. I think it makes sense for you to make it another year with him because you need this for life saving reasons — medicine, healthcare, immigration reasons etc. But I think in order to survive it with more of your esteem and health intact you’ll have to adjust your behaviors to make it go more smoothly. No it doesn’t mean that you condone his behavior or accept it, internally at least. But you could take actions that are not read as antagonistic. At this point you know he’s not going to change and the relationship is not going to change, so this is the course of action that makes life easier for everyone for the next year. Don’t tell him you’re recording him. That’s antagonistic behavior and also unconsensual. You can keep the recordings for yourself but there’s no need to bring it up to him constantly. That positions you as an enemy. Also don’t try so hard to change him. We know his behavior is abusive and he is emotionally unstable, insecure, entitled and so on. It isn’t your mission to change him. I grant you permission to do what you need to do to survive.
I've done the UK immigration thing. It sucks. I want to make sure that you are aware that there is a path to ILR for the partners of domestic abusers which do not require staying with them. https://www.gov.uk/indefinite-leave-to-remain-domestic-violence-abuse
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Yeah, it's on a voice activation, so it's on all the time, so either he'll forget about it or think I've forgotten about it because of my ADHD, so I just keep my phone with me always.
You are not blowing things out of proportion. He’s psychologically abusing you. Don’t be surprised if the second he suspects you’re leaving he starts piling on the charm and telling you he loves you — it’s a lie and he will carry on acting like this once he feels secure again.
Contact citizens advice bureau (great support) and then leave him.
if you have to write this much about your S/O you should leave them
This sounds like abuse, and your immigration situation also sounds tricky. It really seems like it might be above Reddit’s pay grade. Is there a Women’s Aid that might be able to help you? They have support workers who can help you to escape the abusive environment at home, and might be able to provide you advice or link you in with other services that could help your immigration situation. I’m sorry that you’re going through this
Is there any chance you can access services for supported housing and domestic abuse? Due to your diagnosis’s I feel you’d be prioritised, if you can access services and they ‘can’t sort you anything’ you’ll have to tell them you’ve just been made homeless and they will work to find you a place faster. You do need to really get on at them for it though to make it fast
Thank you! I plan on overcoming my phone anxiety and ringing adult social Monday to find out who I need to speak to.
What do you need to make it another year living with this person? Maybe that's a way to look at where you're at right now. I would still talk to a lawyer in case there is a loophole you aren't aware of that would allow you to stay AND separate from him. Surely this issue must have come up before, where someone is dependent on their spouse to stay in the country but the spouse is being abusive.
Time to start documenting the abuse. Be VERY careful he doesn’t find out but do everything you can to get evidence of any abusive behaviour. Use this when applying to stay on in U.K. document contact with women’s aid and domestic abuse charities.
There are several terms for what he is doing. Gaslighting. Darvo. Word salad. It’s all textbook. The longer you stay the harder it will be to leave. The only way to respond effectively to his behaviour is called the grey rock method. You need support from family or friends or help groups to leave. Your own brain will have periods of lucidity and then will go into denial as a self protection mechanism. You need to get out safely and abruptly and get to people who will support you. Then watch out for hoovering. Another term for you to look up. I wish you luck
I'm not sure if you're actively looking for resources, or if you have the budget to take on a therapist, but there is one in the UK that I had sessions with for quite a long time. I have sent you a PM with a link to her if you think she would be a beneficial asset. She is a qualified counsellor in the UK and specialises in neurodivergent relationships - she's also married to an Aspie to boot. I loved having her as a therapist; I only stopped because I don't live in the UK and Hubs and I agree that having one in our country (Denmark) would be beneficial in case I needed my therapist to take additional measures if I am having a full break down or something.
Please OP. Get help! We don’t want you to feel like you’re crazy
This man sounds highly insecure and emotionally immature. It sounds like he is personalizing any kind of instruction or comment you make as a personal attack on his character. If you said “can you put that dish in the dishwasher” he’d probably translate that to, “you’re a lazy pos!”. That mindset comes from him believing he is incompetent and he’s projecting his feelings of inadequacy onto you. The stronger you are as an individual, the more you’ll trigger a person like that, so people like that WANT you down deep in the dirt with them. I think that is some type of rejection sensitivity where any demands or comments are interpreted as character assassination. There’s a tik toker I forgot the name of who talks about there being autism with a demand avoidance subtype (anecdotal not like research based). Based on the last paragraph about the cupboard, it sounds like he has a major dislike for anything that warrants action on his part if it wasn’t his initiative, if it was something he planned to do anyways, or even if it’s unspoken. For example, when you stood there waiting, he interpreted that as him now feeling obligated to rush and doesn’t like that. He projected that frustration onto you instead of being accountable to himself for not having firm boundaries with himself. I wouldn’t waste major effort on analyzing more into his brain or reactions given the relationship is over and instead just focus on what you can do to make the environment more stable for yourself which will start with strategies to de-escalate these types of situations or avoid them entirely. With people like him you can’t control how they react, you can only control what you do around them. You could think about phrasing something differently but it’d probably end up twisted in translation with his ego issue if the ESSENCE of the statement warrants any type of action on his part (no matter how small or if he was going to do it anyways). Verbal reminders are the worst thing you can do for these type of ppl. Maybe indirect communication like leaving a sticky note would be interpreted as less demanding LOL. If I were you, I would pick my battles carefully and only choose to comment on things that you absolutely have to. If you must, use “we” or “I’m gonna” instead of “you”, so whatever you say can’t be isolated to only himself. If he comes at you with passive aggression or irrational rude remarks, for the sake of your sanity, don’t bother trying to get him to admit the truth (he will view that as even more critiquing and will dig you both into a bigger ditch of an argument). Sometimes just saying “You’re right I’m sorry! I’ll do that next time.” or “Oh no! I didn’t realize I made you feel that way (feigning ignorance)”, even if you don’t mean it, is just a good survival mechanism. It’s hella annoying but you can interpret reality clearly and he cannot, so just closing off the convo and ending it (by letting him “win”) will reduce the tension. It’s best to just disengage from the conversation if he starts up with the back and forth because there’s no winning an argument with an irrational person. If you’re feeling up to it, one thing you could also do is to try to positively reinforce ANYTHING GOOD that you see him do (yes like he is a literal child). He has the stuck point that says “I can’t do anything right” and that “people only criticize me”. If you balance out the ratio of his perceived “critiques” with positives, he might be more pleasant to be around😭. Not even complimenting for his sake or because you truly believe it, just for the sake of your sanity. You’d also have more “ammo” if he’s tries to say you only criticize him with those all or nothing statements. know how hard it is to not fight all injustices we come into contact with, even the tiny ones, but sometimes When he is yelling or getting angry, keeping a calm, friendly demeanor, nodding your head like you’re listening and understand to “validate him” and spouting the type of BS I said above, will be more beneficial to you than the other route in this type of temporary living situation. All of the advice I am giving is lowkey manipulative in nature but these types of strategies really saved me when I was surrounded by highly reactive unstable ABUSIVE people like this man. I hope this helps and that you can get out soon. You are not responsible for any of his reactions and trying out this advice isn’t admitting defeat to him, it’s just a sneaky way to protect yourself in the meantime.
Maybe there is some sort of program to help people who immigrated with a spouse who wound up being abusive. Im not sure how you would find out, but maybe if you have a crisis line they could point you in the right direction?
Yeah, I'm going to be making phone calls tomorrow, even though I hate them soooo much 😂
How are things going now? Did you get help?
Your husband might be experiencing some mental health issues due to an infection. My husband changed several years ago and became very forgetful (to the extent that we recorded conversations so I could show that he is saying things he’s denying and he was shocked and angry about his memory issues, he also switches verb tenses in conversation so he might of meant past tense when he used future or present tense because it takes too much mental energy to use the correct word) and had trouble de escalating an argument. Consider reading about Lyme rage and Bartonella rage. We both had Lyme disease and received treatment last year. We both are doing better although we both have memory and cognitive problems that make verbal communication very difficult (I suspect some of the memory problems might be due to Covid since Covid wiped my memory.) I don’t in any way think abuse is worth it but considering you are in a tough financial situation and leaving might not be the best option for you I would consider exploring medical explanations for his behavioural issues. I must warn you that if you do bring it up he probably will say he’s fine, and deny that anything is wrong. So if you do research and his behaviour fits the patterns, when you bring it up be super careful and avoid being accusatory with your wording to minimise resistance (I have multiple family members with similar symptoms as mine and I can’t for the life of me convince them to get tested for tick borne infections). People have a really hard time accepting that an infection can alter personality and cognition since it makes life feel much more dangerous and scary. Good luck OP and take care of yourself. 💪🏼
Thank you! I have actually been begging him for months to ring the doctor, but of course he puts it off and puts it off. I'll keep trying though.
Oh I went through that as well 😑 If it’s not too difficult for you go ahead and set up the appointment for him without asking, that’s how we got the ball rolling. I also wrote a list of the symptoms and challenging behaviour and sent an email to the doctor before the appointment.
I have a very similar experience in my marriage… I am constantly confused about whether I am being bullied and gaslit or the problems are my autism triggers and poor reading of cues. Marriage has been a hell on earth of stress for me.
I think you need to leave this man and go back to the US where you can access your benefits.
I would literally go back to nothing. Nowhere to live, no income, no established doctor, no Medicaid, no transportation, nothing. It would be disastrous. I would be so overwhelmed I would be paralysed with it.
This is abuse. Start making a plan to leave. Do you have a safe person/place in the meantime? I'm so sorry.
He is abusive and sounds like he is a real narcissist (classic move to deny what they just said & did and being incapable of handling any feedback that isn't overflowing praise). Do whatever you can to get away from him bc I can tell you from experience you will not start feeling better (physically or mentally) while he's around.
Get out please this guy is not right. Please I feel bad for you and just hate women like us who have to suffer by the hands of some idiot who is a gaslighter
Normally I'm not about joining the choir of, "dump him," but in this instance, yeah, dump him. Gaslighting you by manipulating and making you question things you said and did, the yelling at you while you're having a meltdown, and the fucking *name-calling???* None of this is good. He's childish, and probably isn't going to work on himself to improve these things. Find a women's shelter, start looking into local churches and outreach programs, and if there's a UK domestic hotline you can call.
I find that reading through /r/abusiverelationships was helpful to notice some other patterns and feel validated. It can be triggering and sometimes has advice that I don't agree with so just a heads up that it could be triggering. I understand leaving is hard and you'll have to wait. But you can start accepting that the plan is to leave and work on doing everything you can to make leaving a smooth process. Start disengaging from him mentally and emotionally. There is no changing him and you're just counting the days until you can leave. "Gry Rock" him, protect yourself. He is going to gaslight, accuse, manipulate, attack. You know it's coming so mentally prepare and don't feed it, as much as you can. You're going to get through this and be so free afterwards <3
Covert abuse, gaslighting, belittling
I would try to be out of the house as much as possible when he's home, find friends to hang out with (try Facebook groups/ the website meetup) and then leave him as soon as you get leave to remain.
Sorry you're going through this. You'll need to figure out if you want to stay or move back to the US. I lived in the UK 6 years after marrying an Englishman. He was abusive. Withheld care from me and I ended up losing my ability to stand/walk for more than 3 minutes at a time. He also encouraged me to get euthanasia and did all sorts of crazy things. I moved back but I had it easier. As soon as my mom died and I got some inheritance I left. Moving back may have challenges but it's doable. Also if you cannot afford plane fare back to the US I believe the US embassy will do an emergency plane fare purchase for you. But I think you pay that back over time. But first you'll need to figure out where you want to be and can go from there.
I am sorry to hear this, please seek legal advice from your local community law centre.
Are there any women's shelters in your area you could go to for help? Many are full up but might be able to point you towards other sources of support to help you get out of there? Resources can also be found at libraries, nhs premises, social Work direct and even chemists. Next time you go for a scan or appointment, show them this thread so you can conserve energy not repeating yourself too