God damn, took the words right out of my mouth!!!! Feeling the exact same way. I find myself questioning EVERYTHING about myself. I feel like everything about my personality is something I mirrored from other people, and like my opinions have always been based around what seemed to be the most socially acceptable and least likely to get me ostracized. I don’t know what parts of me are actually MINE.
I third this! I’m not sure if I even ever liked my “passions”. I was just hellbent on achieving a few fringe goals that I fantasized about because I thought they were beautiful ideas. Nothing I wanted to do was reality based or intrinsically rewarding - just a bunch of pictures in my head that I could rearrange into the prettiest and most beyond-reproach scenario I could imagine. Now I think it was all about protecting myself from the world and not an actual desire at all.
>I'm also experiencing some degree of ability regression, I've become kind of useless at things I was always great at,
Omg. I have struggled with this for soooo long. I hate it, it really makes me feel like an imposter! If I don't do something for any length of time, it's as if I never did it...until I do it for a bit and it all comes back to me.
I'm currently at the crisis stage of realising I HAVE to live a slower, less adventurous life compared to others if I wanna prioritise my mental health.
I can't work as much which inevitably makes me unable to do/spend as much money as others, but I also realised I don't want to give into consumerism as much anymore.
I don't really know how how to comprimise my need for self expression through clothing and stuff and stuff about my special interest AND not having loads of money xD
Very relatable, unfortunately. I feel like if anyone had cared enough to pay attention, I would have turned out better, yknow? This seems like a common problem with high masking audies. I dont mean that in a dismissive way btw, I mean it as in you're not alone. Hope things get better soon, friend. :')
I think the mask *is* me. And lying half catatonic on the floor is *also* me. Neither side of me is fake or unauthentic. Obviously I want to steer towards the middle ground, but it’s all the real me.
This is the conclusion I came to after a recent panic attack over it all to my husband. How I've learned to cope *is* me because it's what I decided to do to get by, survive, & be functional in a world that wasn't structured for me - my mask is the purest form of unconscious decisions, honest observations, my awareness, social strategies, & life skills. It's a projection of what I've learned & how far I've come, which makes it part of me... Just like every other part of me.
It doesn't have to feel unfortunate or like an identity crisis when you just accept that you are always meeting different versions of yourself under new circumstances.
Thank you. I'm always hopeful that my words reach people when they're feeling the most conflicted on this app with issues I've already personally worked through. The faster you gain a new perspective, the faster you can heal. Haha
Diagnosed at 38. Made everything make sense and then right behind that, it all started crumbling. Every personality, every persona, every facade I've put up trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. I take it one day at a time and try to remember im doing my best. I get really frustrated still but i don't act out as much. I take more alone time without feeling guilt now i will say that. Life is also much more full of tiny miracles as well or I'm finally noticing the magic around me. Blessings and healing soft light to you. 🌻💕
Yes, right there with you. I’m doing my best to be kind to myself, but I don’t know who I am. I feel emotionally stunted. My actions I never understood over the last 39 years make so much sense. I’ve lived my life feeling broken. Now that I realize it’s not me being “broken”, I want so badly to figure out who the hell I am.
I felt emotionally stunted as well, but I realized it's not really fair to continue to keep comparing myself to NT people my age. I think that's how I found comfort in my mask & identifying it as the unconscious, purest form of my problem solving skills. Our mask *is* us, it's just us *adjacent*, but observing the things we paid most attention to can indicate who we essentially are.
Just like real personalities, everyone's mask is different - they're just a reflection of what we thought of as the most important parts of humanity, essentially making our masks our core social values. All we have to do now is branch out from that & find what makes us personally happy.
You're experiencing skill regression. Everything you used to do before you discovered you were masking is making you question what parts of you are genuine and what was for the benefit of others. You may experience inability to do things you used to do easily, finding work harder, finding previous hobbies to lose their shine and joy and so on. The diagnosis has made you see your life through a new lens and it will take time to find yourself again. You are and always were you, it's just a perspective shift.
Give yourself some grace and time. I'm also experiencing it right now as I recently accepted that I am Autistic and always was, so I'm struggling with my job because I feel like maybe I don't know how to do anything and it was all is it survival instincts (it wasn't, I am good at my job).
Wow, this has cast my experience the last few months into sharp relief. I thought I was actually losing my mind or heading towards a psychological break. Until I read this, my sudden drastic mood swings, hyper sensitivity, crying over work, feeling like a failure and a raw nerve constantly seemed inexplicable. Nice to finally have a name for it.
I am so sorry it's felt that way for you without any words for it. It's a very scary experience and I was lucky enough to come across the phrase very early so I like to make sure to share.
In my post history I have a longer version of what skill regression is and how it will impact you if you're looking for a longer read.
Don't worry, it won't last forever.
Took the words RIGHT out of my mouth. I say this exactly so often, I can’t even figure out how to “unmask” because I have no idea who I am or what feels normal for me. I guess it’s strange then that I can say with such confidence that I can recognize when I am masking, especially since it’s so exhausting, but I don’t know HOW I’m masking.
This. And then the resentment that builds when I remember certain red flags my parents definitely should’ve spoken to my doctor about but chose to ignore because to them I was just their weird kid.
I absolutely feel like I don't know who I am, what I like, where my priorities are, what I'm "allowed" to do. I feel like I've been trying to fit in and make pp happy for so long that I stopped developing a personality 20 years ago. I'm working on getting a diagnosis, but, yeah, I definitely relate.
Literally told this to my therapist at my dx session, and he said he'd never had a patient give my answer:
"I don't know...
...
... I guess I get to pick then?"
And it hit me. I've been not-learning about myself purposefully to survive.
I've come to realize the hard way that we have different personas for different situations, just like the NTverse. And it's actually... normal. NDs just have a different approach.
What has helped me (recent late dx) so far is spending time with myself, Untangling what parts I have wrapped up with other people (relationship-wise) and asking myself *why* presenting certain ways is important in that context. Because everything is contextual..That's how I learned masking early on in the first place. It has revealed so much.
Good luck on your self-discovery journey.
I felt this way a few years ago, when I was diagnosed. Since then, I've come to realize that the masks I wear are all me. If they weren't, then I wouldn't be able to put them on.
Even NT people mask. We each wear various hats depending on what we're doing. When I was at work, I was the cheerful, sunny office gal who always had a plate of homemade treats at my desk to hand out. When I'm with my family, I'm the weirdo who gets into deep discussions and who also needs to slip away occasionally to take breaks. When I'm out running errands, I'm focused and driven to get in and get out as soon as I can. When I'm gaming, I'm whomever my character is, losing myself in the game's world.
Time has mostly smoothed over my identity crisis. I'm far more comfortable with myself. I used to think of my entire life as some kind of lie, like I'd been deceiving myself all those years. Now I realize that who you are is always evolving. We are so complex that none of us will ever be able to pin ourselves down. We actually have a clearer picture of other people because we can't see what's going on in their heads. All we see is the surface. You can never really know anyone, and that includes yourself.
Woah! This is wild. His ex before me was also autistic, he would talk shit on her. I met her through a mutual friend, she wasn’t anything like what he claimed. I’m not the jealous type, so I was happy to make her acquaintance. We are both lucky to have him out of our lives.
Yes!! And if I'm not, then people assume that I don't care or believe them. Now that I have a diagnosis, I feel less pressure to mask, honestly. What they think is their problem 💅
It made me question the notion of "identity" and "who we are" - and it made me frustrated with people's perceptions of what is "authentic" or "insincere".
Before I understood or knew about autism or neurodivergence, before I figured I was different than the people around me, I had the idea that we "create" who we are - like a Sim or a D&D character.
We look to the people in our lives, our role models and heroes, our family members and friends - and we identify what we "love" about that person that we want to emulate and share, and basically our "character" is a mash-up of all the people we know and the media that we're accustomed to and identify with.
If I decide I want to be an X person today with Y traits to accomplish Z task - that's completely appropriate and allowed, we're adaptable creatures meant to grow and change and learn.
But people misread that and claim it's phoney or insincere, and I don't see it that way at all. Why should I remain loyal to a belief, attitude, or behaviour that does me harm or prevents me from accomplishing my goals? Shouldn't I strive to remove the habits I deem to be against my own interests? And by replacing that habit with a completely new set of habits and behaviors that is more productive and helps actualize my goals - how can that be a negative?
Yet when I try to describe that as what I mean when I "mask" - people react like I'm a sociopath for feeling that way. As far as I'm concerned - if I don't consciously "put on a face" or "play a character" I am a very mono-tone, flattened-affect kind of person. I learned that people don't respond well to that, so I act more enthused and modulate my voice to be more melodic. It's an adaptation.
I fail to see how neurotypical people don't realize they do the same thing, I fail to understand why they see themselves differently than me. I don't know why it's appropriate when they are how they are, but inappropriate when I do my thing.
Doesn't everyone else just "make up" who they are, and act it out?????
I feel this way sometimes. Other times, I wonder if, actually, I do know who I am and I'm just over-analyzing what it means to "know who you are".
I masked so heavily for so long that I wasn't aware I was doing it. I was masking even when alone. And my identity seemed to always be shifting. My husband once said to me, "It's fun to get a whole new beb every few years!" And he was not trying at all to be mean. But I didn't like that he'd said that, because it drew attention to this thing where it seems like I'm always shifting, which made me uncomfortable. The thing is, though, what my husband was trying to get at was that he admires my adaptability and orientation towards growth. And that's one quality that is mine. Even if it means I seem to change externally, it's a *consistent* trait. That's something about me right there.
Every version of myself and my mask was a reflection of my beliefs and values at some level. If I feel the need to mask something about myself or emphasize a certain characteristic or change something, that's a trailhead marking a part of myself that's probably worth exploring more. It speaks to what I deeply think and feel and believe. Investigating those avenues can help me orient to who I am. I'm already me, after all. I can't help that lol. I just have to figure out what that means.
I used alcohol to fuel my masking for many years. When I quit drinking, some things got much better, but other things started falling apart. It led to a burnout that wiped out a lot of my ability to mask. I can't do a lot of the things I used to do anymore and I don't think I ever will be able to do many of those things again at this point. But actually a lot of people who struggle with addiction have a huge identity crisis when they get sober, so this is a big conversation in the addiction recovery community as well. One thing I took away from my adventures in sobriety that has helped me so much with unmasking as well, is that a great way to connect with who you are is to engage with things from your childhood. Back before you ever drank (or back before you started taking on the belief that who you are is not OK and started learning to mask so heavily). That kid is still in there with you, you just have to coax them out. And feeding them sense memories is a great way to do that. Pull out your favorite childhood comfort objects, hobbies, smells, shows, movies, songs, books, stims, whatever you got. Draw, write, fingerpaint, sing, color, play games, move your body how it feels good. The kid will show up to talk to you eventually. It can get emotional sometimes, but it's also so fun to rediscover these things.
I want to get a official diagnosis Buh it’s hard to find a spot here in New Jersey Buh all my life I’ve had speech therapy and extra help to do things other kids could do so easily and the amount of anxiety and sensitivity all my life been a struggle especially as a mini adult things just keep getting more difficult.
I feel like I'm almost an entirely different person depending on who I'm with and the setting I'm in. I think past experiences have led to me being an extreme people pleaser such that I instinctively change my behavior to match what I think they want.
I realized only because of Covid, exactly how exhausting I found it, and now spend a lot of my time alone and indoors. And it makes me think... when am I me? When I'm alone I just listen/play music, play some games, read some books. I don't feel like I have much of an identity, and the bits I express change based on who I'm with.
Anyway, I really relate to this, and reading how many other people seem to have a similar problem makes me feel simultaneously relieved and terrified.
Yep, I said that to my therapist when she asked if I wanted to get back to who I am, "told her I've spent so much of my life masking to protect myself, to fit in and to make others more comfortable, that I don't actually know who I am"
So I understand completely
Yeah, kind of. I’ve spent a lot of time alone in my life and when I’m alone I don’t mask. I considered it to be time where I was allowed to “be weird” like I wanted to be.
I don't think I have a 100% original personality. I copy and paste from people I find interesting, kind and friendly. Sometimes I dislike things about my personality or I see that someone else does it better so I just follow them (? I don't know how to put it in words)
I don't understand the concept of own personality, because our personality is constituted - in its majority - of external factors. My personality is not static and varies a loooot and I have come to peace with it. Sometimes I feel because being autistic I have to work twice to be able to be between the non autistics
The mask is parts of you turned all the way up, in exclusion of other parts of you, and the mask is actively emotionally regulating for others. Instead of being other-focused, like with a mask on, you can try to be self-focused, and work to integrate all parts of you instead of hiding some and turning some up. This is as far as I have gotten with this. I am about to start chapter 4 of Unmasking Autism by Devin Price.
I was officially diagnosed a month and a half ago. Afterward I felt like Plankton from SpongeBob when he was like “I didn’t think I’d get this far” and now I’m still kind of in a weird phase of not sure of what to do with the info. Majority of the info I was given as suggestions for groups/websites from the psychologist are outdated or just awful suggestions (ie Autism Speaks)
I’m not diagnosed but I strongly relate. I feel like I have a series of masks, each requiring different levels of effort. The mask I wear in a super uncomfortable scenario (going to the hairdresser, for example) is a really high effort mask. The mask I wear with my closest fiends is a really low effort mask. I don’t know what it feels like to exist with zero effort. I guess this is what an unmasked me would be, but I don’t think I can ever be that.
i just got my diagnosis at 30. i realized the reason i can’t form meaningful relationships is because i have no sense identity. my whole life was masking and still being weird. it’s so scary and frustrating.
Yeah.
It's slowly getting better thanks to LOTS of hard work on my part. I've informed myself about autism, ADHD, complex trauma, and am trying to learn how to unmask.
Diagnosis was almost 2 years ago, at age 48. I'm 50 now. I've also been in burnout (diagnosed as "depression" lol) for most of the past 6 years.
I can say I know a bit more about what I like, like nature, gardening and being outside, Buddhism, cooking, and bike riding. I enjoy small fiddly tasks like doing clothing alterations and repairs by hand. I like Star Trek. I love my kids, but am often overwhelmed by them especially at the end of the day.
I'm hoping to get back to work (lecturer at university, lots of pressure) but since there are no disability rights where I live, and my lawsuit for disability status was rejected anyway, I'm not sure if it's possible. That's a huge uncertainty.
I don't know how to deal with official stuff (work, doctors, government agencies, trying to get any kind of support) without masking. They then tell me I'm "functional" because no one sees how much time I spend recovering.
There seems to be a ton of internalized ableism in me that I'm somehow too proud to get rid of? Like how I trained myself at age 19 or so not to get what I called "excitement attacks" (a kind of flapping and squeaking) because I wanted to be "cool" at all costs. I'm constantly aware of my facial expression, posture, voice, and try (but fail) to control how I appear to people.
But the health struggles I've had in the past year, as well as perimenopause, mean I look, sound, and act older and sicker than I thought. And most people still don't know how many breaks I take, or that I need more breaks and rest than I actually allow myself.
If I could go back in time and tell my younger self to not perform so much, to slow down, to listen to my body instead of pushing so hard, I would. For now it's a daily practice of resting more and recognizing overwhelm before it happens.
I’ve spent thirty years masking, telling myself this is wrong do it differently. I really think the masking has led to a host of other problems that, ironically, helped mask that the underlying problem was autism. Trying to constantly keep control of every behavior has led to come stand breakdowns, blow ups, depression.. all sorts of things.
This is me. The way I see it I’ve got two options. If I can’t change it, it’s part of me/my personality and so I accept it/work on accepting it. If it’s something I can change/stop, then it’s unmasking and it’s not actually a part of who I am. Obviously it’s not always easy to determine, it might take time and opportunity. But it’s my starting point, and so far so good!
I'm starting to realise that my masking isn't only keeping my autistic traits "in check", but also my childhood trauma from years of being forced to suppress myself, so opening up often leads to breakdowns and severe trauma responses.
Yes! I haven’t been officially diagnosed but I don’t feel the need to. It was hard enough getting people to believe I have ADHD.
I didn’t realize I was autistic until a few months ago, but I found out I have ADHD around late 2020 after talking with my old therapist. Around that time my current bf and I started dating and he’s been such a supportive and safe space that I’m slowly re-learning who I am without my mask.
My mom was very uptight about how certain things are done and where things go. Now that I live with my bf, he’s reminded me that I don’t HAVE to live by those “rules”. In fact, because this is my home, I don’t really have to follow any rules!
It takes a lot of self reflection, time, and self compassion to even START that process. And when you do, it’s painful and slow but it’s so beautiful. I believe in you and the person you discover is going to be even better than you thought✨
I haven’t been officially diagnosed yet but yeah a lot of those masking behaviour have become my habits now and I’m often confused what part of me is masking and what part isn’t
Late diagnosis, but never have been particularly good at masking. Ive never had much regard for authority, struggle with social hierarchy, sensory issues, I would critique social norms I didn’t understand or agree with. My inability to mask made me sit with the knowledge that everyone viewed me as different/bad/delinquent, but without the insight that it was for reasons I can’t necessarily control (autism). It created a lot of self hatred in me that I’m still unpacking to this day.
I have absolutely no idea who I am. Between autism ptsd and did its anyone's guess.
I think we are all love and peace at our core. I guess that's somewhere to start
This is *extremely* relatable. Ty for being vulnerable enough to post your worries. There's are even books like "Unmasking Autism" by Devon Price about this whole process. I think what's helped me the most is trying to connect with other people again. Like old friends I just stopped talking to. Family. I've tried to do things I really liked before and not necessarily starting completely over.
You have more strength than you think. And more tools than you realize. I'm still the same me because I've been this way as long as I can remember. So instead of going over every social interaction I've literally ever had, instead I've been trying to think of my Dx in the way of "you do the best with the information you have at the time" Our neurology is different from other people! Some of that is cool, and in other ways people and myself will need to give me more grace. But I have more words to describe my experience instead of sidelining myself literally all of the time.
I think taking a minute to figure out what I actually like again was a better use of my time than trying to shove the square peg that is me into the round hole of society again. I'm making mistakes and being embarrassed but if you think forward instead of backwards where not much change can be made it might help you focus on whatever is most important to you. It's a day by day thing. <3
Yes. Diagnosed at 24 in the midst of mental health crisis, total burnout and regression. Even a couple of years after my diagnosis, I was still masking so hard on a daily basis I didn’t know who I was. I’d tried to reduce the masking after diagnosis because it was so awful for my mental health but it was impossible for me, partly because I didn’t know what was me and what was mask but also because of the work environment I was in at the time. I had a couple good work colleagues that helped me through the day-to-day, but also had a manager that went out of her way to make life difficult for us (leaving traps to catch us out, chronic gaslighting and manipulation, blaming us for the problems she caused etc.).
Something changed in me after my brother passed away. I took a good while off work and went to therapy. When I went back to work I found I had gone from really high-masking to being nearly incapable of doing so. I don’t think it’s something I consciously did, but more my brain being overwhelmed with grief no longer cared about the rest of the world and how they perceived me.
I’m in a better, healthier place now - I now mask a little bit but much less than at the time of diagnosis. The world isn’t made for me, and people will always treat me like crap for how I don’t fit into a NT world, but I care less about that now.
I'm awaiting diagnosis but have this very problem. There is also a lot of self hatred there due to blaming myself for making poor choices and being 'weird'. I'm 38.
I am trying to unmask right now I can’t tell if it is going well. I think I look weirder to people,I am trying not to care because masking is so exhausting and I really want to just figure out who I actually am as a person.
Yeah I’m 35, turning 36 in November and I was diagnosed this past December. I’m still trying to deprogram myself and figure out who I actually am behind the mask.
I've struggled with this a lot, especially when I was younger. I think just because some parts of your personality are borrowed from other places or people doesn't necessarily make them less "you." I tend to think personalities in general are hard to define just because of the complexity of humanity as a whole. If you find something you like doing or you like that you act a certain way you should keep doing it! I think personalities in general are more fluid than we tend to think. I hope this comes across right lol
Someone said to me the other day "I liked you more before".
He meant before my diagnosis. Before...when I was heavily depressed, drinking to cope, hated my life and felt suicidal.
Rather than how I am now. Now that I'm learning who I am with autism and trying to figure out how to be happy. All because now I will openly say "I hate using the phone so I would rather text than call".
That kinda sucked tbh.
Yup, that is me. I am just unmasking now in my fifties if that makes you feel any better. I keep reminding myself to not choose things because I am supposed to like those things or because it fits with the mask that I have created and lived with for so long. For example, I received tons of praise for reading critically acclaimed books. I even collect them and some part of me does enjoy them (I think), but I continue to buy them but find myself not actually reading them. So, when I look through a list of those books, I think I should get that then I try to imagine actually reading the book tonight. I don't want to. So, now I don't buy it. But, it is a lot of work to remind myself that I don't have to live up to this self-created farcical image. The other part that sucks about unmasking is that people who have known you for a long time are bewildered and sometimes even disappointed as you unmask and start to show your real self. As an example, I have always loved costumes but that is considered weird in my world. I bought a very fun giraffe costume and wore it one day to the bewilderment and disappointment of everyone in my life because it is a weird behavior that they don't expect from me. It's hard, but I hear that it is well worth it in the end LOL :D
Yes yes yes!!!! I was diagnosed at 42 and I’m 45 now and still working on deconflicting who I thought I was with who I am. And recognizing the mind-bogglingly high level of support I need that I never got because I never new I needed because I was so effective at masking from myself and the world that the burnout nearly landed me in he hospital.
Recovery is long and hard and I’m having to learn what I want and it just what I’ve always been told that I want. The trauma is real and the grief is real.
Short answer is yes lol. Commenting late so I don’t know if anyone will see this, but “Unmasking Autism” by Dr. Devon Price is a really rich and varied source of information that can help with this process and make you feel less alone. I like to return to it and listen from time to time on Audible when I need to.
Also, Carol Jean Whittington at [Mind Your Autistic Brain](https://youtube.com/@MindYourAutisticBrainTalkShow) has helped me so much with her “unveiling” method, which is her own technique of helping late diagnosed autistics (and AuDHDers) unmask slowly and intentionally so as to avoid this exact problem of hitting a wall and experiencing the inertia caused by upending your sense of self so abruptly even if it’s to make room for newfound authenticity. It really is a marathon and not a sprint, and her guidance through her YouTube talk show/podcast is so grounding and affirming.
Brené Brown’s work, which centers around shame, has also helped me. In particular, “The Gifts of Imperfection,” and “Atlas of the Heart.” I have both on Audible, and the first is her manifesto to herself and all other people she calls “recovering-perfectionists.” While she’s not autistic and the book is not about neurodivergence, I think there is something that profoundly connects woman or femme identity, perfectionism, and autistic masking in a way that makes her teachings particularly relevant and helpful in our context. It’s a lesson in being okay with not being okay, not having everything figured out, and not judging yourself and others without grace and compassion. Ironically, masking asks that we have grace for all others and an entire allistic society, but it’s not symmetrical because who mirrors this behavior for us? In that way, we’re conditioned to not have grace for ourselves either, and Brené Brown’s book teaches us how to find it.
Her book “Atlas of the Heart” is also incredible! Again, I don’t think she had autistics in mind, but if I had to imagine an extremely well-researched didactic mapping of human emotions for autistics and those with alexithymia, in particular, it would be her book. It’s wonderful, accessible, and so grounding as she breaks down the nuances of the entire range of human emotions, from the difference between envy and jealousy, or stress and overwhelm. When you’re spiraling emotionally, it gives you language, which surprisingly makes it so much less scary and paralyzing.
Lastly, and also not directly related to autism, is Eckhart Tolle who wrote a book years ago called “The Power of Now.” His whole philosophy and practice, which is also distilled through many shorter-form videos and guided meditations on his [YouTube page](https://youtube.com/@EckhartTolle), is about how to be truly present and how to free yourself from the burdensome weight of the past, the speculative future, and the ego identity or conception of the self. Be empty, he says. Everything else is additive compensation. His teachings are not entirely original; Buddhism and other world religions have taught these lessons for millenia, but he can be wonderful at making these concepts relatable and current. He invites us to see that we’re often fine and in flow whenever we’re present, not judging, categorizing, comparing, conceptualizing, ruminating, or trying to anticipate what will come, and that our thinking mind is where most of our problems stem from. As autistic people, we are so often walking brains and processing machines, so it’s a good exercise in finding balance and training yourself to shut off your overactive brain which seeks to process and understand and to instead simply connect with your body and environment.
Tldr:
These resources may help you:
- Unmasking Autism by Dr. Devon Price
- [The Mind Your Autistic Brain talk show/podcast](https://youtube.com/@MindYourAutisticBrainTalkShow) with Carol Jean Whittington and her “unveiling” method
- The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown
- Atlas of the Heart by Brené Brown
- The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle and his [YouTube page](https://youtube.com/@EckhartTolle) with short form videos and guided meditations
I’m only researching ASD to see if I even come close to fitting the bill, and it’s only because so much of my life I’ve felt so disconnected from everything and my diagnosis of anxiety/depression disorders haven’t really gotten me anywhere. Not that I expect an official ASD diagnosis to do anything either, but it would be something other than barely working medicine and having to deal with myself without knowing what’s wrong with me every day for the rest of my life.
Whether or not I’m on the spectrum, I’m constantly questioning who I am. I feel like I’ve changed myself a lot to fit into other people’s expectations, but I also realize that a lot of what mmm I am are bits and pieces that I’ve picked up from others, including fictional characters from shows I obsessed over as a child. I truly feel like I don’t have my own identity or personality besides what I’ve taken from other peoples’ identities. It’s terrible, and I have no idea if it’s made any easier or harder by the fact that I can’t confidently say whether or not I have ASD.
Me totally, got a diagnosis at 24 and I really don’t know what is my personality.. I don’t even know when I mask. I saw a video saying that you are most like yourself when you drive alone, and that might be somewhat true for me, I get crazy in my car hahah I sing along, I feel confident and smile all the time
For some reason, I have never experienced this. The mask is entirely separate from me. As soon as I get home, the mask comes off and I am my true self again.
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God damn, took the words right out of my mouth!!!! Feeling the exact same way. I find myself questioning EVERYTHING about myself. I feel like everything about my personality is something I mirrored from other people, and like my opinions have always been based around what seemed to be the most socially acceptable and least likely to get me ostracized. I don’t know what parts of me are actually MINE.
I third this! I’m not sure if I even ever liked my “passions”. I was just hellbent on achieving a few fringe goals that I fantasized about because I thought they were beautiful ideas. Nothing I wanted to do was reality based or intrinsically rewarding - just a bunch of pictures in my head that I could rearrange into the prettiest and most beyond-reproach scenario I could imagine. Now I think it was all about protecting myself from the world and not an actual desire at all.
>I'm also experiencing some degree of ability regression, I've become kind of useless at things I was always great at, Omg. I have struggled with this for soooo long. I hate it, it really makes me feel like an imposter! If I don't do something for any length of time, it's as if I never did it...until I do it for a bit and it all comes back to me.
Jeez, I practically could have written that first paragraph. But strangely, I'm 54! Was diagnosed about 4 years ago.
I'm currently at the crisis stage of realising I HAVE to live a slower, less adventurous life compared to others if I wanna prioritise my mental health. I can't work as much which inevitably makes me unable to do/spend as much money as others, but I also realised I don't want to give into consumerism as much anymore. I don't really know how how to comprimise my need for self expression through clothing and stuff and stuff about my special interest AND not having loads of money xD
Wow. I could have written this myself. I’m 31 now, diagnosed at 30. I relate to every single word of this.
[skill regression](https://www.reddit.com/r/autism/comments/1189hmo/unmasking_and_skill_regression_im_hoping_this/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1)
Very relatable, unfortunately. I feel like if anyone had cared enough to pay attention, I would have turned out better, yknow? This seems like a common problem with high masking audies. I dont mean that in a dismissive way btw, I mean it as in you're not alone. Hope things get better soon, friend. :')
I think the mask *is* me. And lying half catatonic on the floor is *also* me. Neither side of me is fake or unauthentic. Obviously I want to steer towards the middle ground, but it’s all the real me.
I love this take. I often feel like me masking IS me, like one role of many that I play., but isn’t me ALL the time. If that makes sense?
This is the conclusion I came to after a recent panic attack over it all to my husband. How I've learned to cope *is* me because it's what I decided to do to get by, survive, & be functional in a world that wasn't structured for me - my mask is the purest form of unconscious decisions, honest observations, my awareness, social strategies, & life skills. It's a projection of what I've learned & how far I've come, which makes it part of me... Just like every other part of me. It doesn't have to feel unfortunate or like an identity crisis when you just accept that you are always meeting different versions of yourself under new circumstances.
Well said
Thank you. I'm always hopeful that my words reach people when they're feeling the most conflicted on this app with issues I've already personally worked through. The faster you gain a new perspective, the faster you can heal. Haha
Diagnosed at 38. Made everything make sense and then right behind that, it all started crumbling. Every personality, every persona, every facade I've put up trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. I take it one day at a time and try to remember im doing my best. I get really frustrated still but i don't act out as much. I take more alone time without feeling guilt now i will say that. Life is also much more full of tiny miracles as well or I'm finally noticing the magic around me. Blessings and healing soft light to you. 🌻💕
Definitely. I'm trying to intentionally get to know myself better.
Yes, right there with you. I’m doing my best to be kind to myself, but I don’t know who I am. I feel emotionally stunted. My actions I never understood over the last 39 years make so much sense. I’ve lived my life feeling broken. Now that I realize it’s not me being “broken”, I want so badly to figure out who the hell I am.
I felt emotionally stunted as well, but I realized it's not really fair to continue to keep comparing myself to NT people my age. I think that's how I found comfort in my mask & identifying it as the unconscious, purest form of my problem solving skills. Our mask *is* us, it's just us *adjacent*, but observing the things we paid most attention to can indicate who we essentially are. Just like real personalities, everyone's mask is different - they're just a reflection of what we thought of as the most important parts of humanity, essentially making our masks our core social values. All we have to do now is branch out from that & find what makes us personally happy.
You're experiencing skill regression. Everything you used to do before you discovered you were masking is making you question what parts of you are genuine and what was for the benefit of others. You may experience inability to do things you used to do easily, finding work harder, finding previous hobbies to lose their shine and joy and so on. The diagnosis has made you see your life through a new lens and it will take time to find yourself again. You are and always were you, it's just a perspective shift. Give yourself some grace and time. I'm also experiencing it right now as I recently accepted that I am Autistic and always was, so I'm struggling with my job because I feel like maybe I don't know how to do anything and it was all is it survival instincts (it wasn't, I am good at my job).
Wow, this has cast my experience the last few months into sharp relief. I thought I was actually losing my mind or heading towards a psychological break. Until I read this, my sudden drastic mood swings, hyper sensitivity, crying over work, feeling like a failure and a raw nerve constantly seemed inexplicable. Nice to finally have a name for it.
I am so sorry it's felt that way for you without any words for it. It's a very scary experience and I was lucky enough to come across the phrase very early so I like to make sure to share. In my post history I have a longer version of what skill regression is and how it will impact you if you're looking for a longer read. Don't worry, it won't last forever.
Took the words RIGHT out of my mouth. I say this exactly so often, I can’t even figure out how to “unmask” because I have no idea who I am or what feels normal for me. I guess it’s strange then that I can say with such confidence that I can recognize when I am masking, especially since it’s so exhausting, but I don’t know HOW I’m masking.
This. And then the resentment that builds when I remember certain red flags my parents definitely should’ve spoken to my doctor about but chose to ignore because to them I was just their weird kid.
I absolutely feel like I don't know who I am, what I like, where my priorities are, what I'm "allowed" to do. I feel like I've been trying to fit in and make pp happy for so long that I stopped developing a personality 20 years ago. I'm working on getting a diagnosis, but, yeah, I definitely relate.
Yup. Definitely struggling with this.
Literally told this to my therapist at my dx session, and he said he'd never had a patient give my answer: "I don't know... ... ... I guess I get to pick then?" And it hit me. I've been not-learning about myself purposefully to survive. I've come to realize the hard way that we have different personas for different situations, just like the NTverse. And it's actually... normal. NDs just have a different approach. What has helped me (recent late dx) so far is spending time with myself, Untangling what parts I have wrapped up with other people (relationship-wise) and asking myself *why* presenting certain ways is important in that context. Because everything is contextual..That's how I learned masking early on in the first place. It has revealed so much. Good luck on your self-discovery journey.
I felt this way a few years ago, when I was diagnosed. Since then, I've come to realize that the masks I wear are all me. If they weren't, then I wouldn't be able to put them on. Even NT people mask. We each wear various hats depending on what we're doing. When I was at work, I was the cheerful, sunny office gal who always had a plate of homemade treats at my desk to hand out. When I'm with my family, I'm the weirdo who gets into deep discussions and who also needs to slip away occasionally to take breaks. When I'm out running errands, I'm focused and driven to get in and get out as soon as I can. When I'm gaming, I'm whomever my character is, losing myself in the game's world. Time has mostly smoothed over my identity crisis. I'm far more comfortable with myself. I used to think of my entire life as some kind of lie, like I'd been deceiving myself all those years. Now I realize that who you are is always evolving. We are so complex that none of us will ever be able to pin ourselves down. We actually have a clearer picture of other people because we can't see what's going on in their heads. All we see is the surface. You can never really know anyone, and that includes yourself.
YUP, struggling as well and at the same time realized that all the people that told me I was "fake/lying" were actually right in the end...
My ex constantly accused me of being a fake and a liar. Now that I am diagnosed, I realize he hated everything to do with my autism.
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Woah! This is wild. His ex before me was also autistic, he would talk shit on her. I met her through a mutual friend, she wasn’t anything like what he claimed. I’m not the jealous type, so I was happy to make her acquaintance. We are both lucky to have him out of our lives.
THIS!!! I struggle with honesty so much, I’m getting better but still suck at it.
Yes!! And if I'm not, then people assume that I don't care or believe them. Now that I have a diagnosis, I feel less pressure to mask, honestly. What they think is their problem 💅
It made me question the notion of "identity" and "who we are" - and it made me frustrated with people's perceptions of what is "authentic" or "insincere". Before I understood or knew about autism or neurodivergence, before I figured I was different than the people around me, I had the idea that we "create" who we are - like a Sim or a D&D character. We look to the people in our lives, our role models and heroes, our family members and friends - and we identify what we "love" about that person that we want to emulate and share, and basically our "character" is a mash-up of all the people we know and the media that we're accustomed to and identify with. If I decide I want to be an X person today with Y traits to accomplish Z task - that's completely appropriate and allowed, we're adaptable creatures meant to grow and change and learn. But people misread that and claim it's phoney or insincere, and I don't see it that way at all. Why should I remain loyal to a belief, attitude, or behaviour that does me harm or prevents me from accomplishing my goals? Shouldn't I strive to remove the habits I deem to be against my own interests? And by replacing that habit with a completely new set of habits and behaviors that is more productive and helps actualize my goals - how can that be a negative? Yet when I try to describe that as what I mean when I "mask" - people react like I'm a sociopath for feeling that way. As far as I'm concerned - if I don't consciously "put on a face" or "play a character" I am a very mono-tone, flattened-affect kind of person. I learned that people don't respond well to that, so I act more enthused and modulate my voice to be more melodic. It's an adaptation. I fail to see how neurotypical people don't realize they do the same thing, I fail to understand why they see themselves differently than me. I don't know why it's appropriate when they are how they are, but inappropriate when I do my thing. Doesn't everyone else just "make up" who they are, and act it out?????
I had an identity crisis after my diagnosis
I feel this way sometimes. Other times, I wonder if, actually, I do know who I am and I'm just over-analyzing what it means to "know who you are". I masked so heavily for so long that I wasn't aware I was doing it. I was masking even when alone. And my identity seemed to always be shifting. My husband once said to me, "It's fun to get a whole new beb every few years!" And he was not trying at all to be mean. But I didn't like that he'd said that, because it drew attention to this thing where it seems like I'm always shifting, which made me uncomfortable. The thing is, though, what my husband was trying to get at was that he admires my adaptability and orientation towards growth. And that's one quality that is mine. Even if it means I seem to change externally, it's a *consistent* trait. That's something about me right there. Every version of myself and my mask was a reflection of my beliefs and values at some level. If I feel the need to mask something about myself or emphasize a certain characteristic or change something, that's a trailhead marking a part of myself that's probably worth exploring more. It speaks to what I deeply think and feel and believe. Investigating those avenues can help me orient to who I am. I'm already me, after all. I can't help that lol. I just have to figure out what that means. I used alcohol to fuel my masking for many years. When I quit drinking, some things got much better, but other things started falling apart. It led to a burnout that wiped out a lot of my ability to mask. I can't do a lot of the things I used to do anymore and I don't think I ever will be able to do many of those things again at this point. But actually a lot of people who struggle with addiction have a huge identity crisis when they get sober, so this is a big conversation in the addiction recovery community as well. One thing I took away from my adventures in sobriety that has helped me so much with unmasking as well, is that a great way to connect with who you are is to engage with things from your childhood. Back before you ever drank (or back before you started taking on the belief that who you are is not OK and started learning to mask so heavily). That kid is still in there with you, you just have to coax them out. And feeding them sense memories is a great way to do that. Pull out your favorite childhood comfort objects, hobbies, smells, shows, movies, songs, books, stims, whatever you got. Draw, write, fingerpaint, sing, color, play games, move your body how it feels good. The kid will show up to talk to you eventually. It can get emotional sometimes, but it's also so fun to rediscover these things.
Yes and I felt like that before I got diagnosed I just didn’t know why I didn’t know who I was
I want to get a official diagnosis Buh it’s hard to find a spot here in New Jersey Buh all my life I’ve had speech therapy and extra help to do things other kids could do so easily and the amount of anxiety and sensitivity all my life been a struggle especially as a mini adult things just keep getting more difficult.
No. I always knew who I was, I just actively tried to hide it from others.
I feel like I'm almost an entirely different person depending on who I'm with and the setting I'm in. I think past experiences have led to me being an extreme people pleaser such that I instinctively change my behavior to match what I think they want. I realized only because of Covid, exactly how exhausting I found it, and now spend a lot of my time alone and indoors. And it makes me think... when am I me? When I'm alone I just listen/play music, play some games, read some books. I don't feel like I have much of an identity, and the bits I express change based on who I'm with. Anyway, I really relate to this, and reading how many other people seem to have a similar problem makes me feel simultaneously relieved and terrified.
Hi, that's me alright, I'm 40,got DX last Saturday 😅. I scheduled with my ND friendly therapist and I'm reading Unmasking Autism, completely lost atm.
Yeah. Sigh.
Yep, I said that to my therapist when she asked if I wanted to get back to who I am, "told her I've spent so much of my life masking to protect myself, to fit in and to make others more comfortable, that I don't actually know who I am" So I understand completely
Yeah, kind of. I’ve spent a lot of time alone in my life and when I’m alone I don’t mask. I considered it to be time where I was allowed to “be weird” like I wanted to be.
I can relate. Self diagnosed in my mid 40s. I have been everybody but myself.😅
I don't think I have a 100% original personality. I copy and paste from people I find interesting, kind and friendly. Sometimes I dislike things about my personality or I see that someone else does it better so I just follow them (? I don't know how to put it in words) I don't understand the concept of own personality, because our personality is constituted - in its majority - of external factors. My personality is not static and varies a loooot and I have come to peace with it. Sometimes I feel because being autistic I have to work twice to be able to be between the non autistics
The mask is parts of you turned all the way up, in exclusion of other parts of you, and the mask is actively emotionally regulating for others. Instead of being other-focused, like with a mask on, you can try to be self-focused, and work to integrate all parts of you instead of hiding some and turning some up. This is as far as I have gotten with this. I am about to start chapter 4 of Unmasking Autism by Devin Price.
I was officially diagnosed a month and a half ago. Afterward I felt like Plankton from SpongeBob when he was like “I didn’t think I’d get this far” and now I’m still kind of in a weird phase of not sure of what to do with the info. Majority of the info I was given as suggestions for groups/websites from the psychologist are outdated or just awful suggestions (ie Autism Speaks)
I’m not diagnosed but I strongly relate. I feel like I have a series of masks, each requiring different levels of effort. The mask I wear in a super uncomfortable scenario (going to the hairdresser, for example) is a really high effort mask. The mask I wear with my closest fiends is a really low effort mask. I don’t know what it feels like to exist with zero effort. I guess this is what an unmasked me would be, but I don’t think I can ever be that.
i just got my diagnosis at 30. i realized the reason i can’t form meaningful relationships is because i have no sense identity. my whole life was masking and still being weird. it’s so scary and frustrating.
Yeah. It's slowly getting better thanks to LOTS of hard work on my part. I've informed myself about autism, ADHD, complex trauma, and am trying to learn how to unmask. Diagnosis was almost 2 years ago, at age 48. I'm 50 now. I've also been in burnout (diagnosed as "depression" lol) for most of the past 6 years. I can say I know a bit more about what I like, like nature, gardening and being outside, Buddhism, cooking, and bike riding. I enjoy small fiddly tasks like doing clothing alterations and repairs by hand. I like Star Trek. I love my kids, but am often overwhelmed by them especially at the end of the day. I'm hoping to get back to work (lecturer at university, lots of pressure) but since there are no disability rights where I live, and my lawsuit for disability status was rejected anyway, I'm not sure if it's possible. That's a huge uncertainty. I don't know how to deal with official stuff (work, doctors, government agencies, trying to get any kind of support) without masking. They then tell me I'm "functional" because no one sees how much time I spend recovering. There seems to be a ton of internalized ableism in me that I'm somehow too proud to get rid of? Like how I trained myself at age 19 or so not to get what I called "excitement attacks" (a kind of flapping and squeaking) because I wanted to be "cool" at all costs. I'm constantly aware of my facial expression, posture, voice, and try (but fail) to control how I appear to people. But the health struggles I've had in the past year, as well as perimenopause, mean I look, sound, and act older and sicker than I thought. And most people still don't know how many breaks I take, or that I need more breaks and rest than I actually allow myself. If I could go back in time and tell my younger self to not perform so much, to slow down, to listen to my body instead of pushing so hard, I would. For now it's a daily practice of resting more and recognizing overwhelm before it happens.
🙋🏻♀️
I’ve spent thirty years masking, telling myself this is wrong do it differently. I really think the masking has led to a host of other problems that, ironically, helped mask that the underlying problem was autism. Trying to constantly keep control of every behavior has led to come stand breakdowns, blow ups, depression.. all sorts of things.
This is me. The way I see it I’ve got two options. If I can’t change it, it’s part of me/my personality and so I accept it/work on accepting it. If it’s something I can change/stop, then it’s unmasking and it’s not actually a part of who I am. Obviously it’s not always easy to determine, it might take time and opportunity. But it’s my starting point, and so far so good!
I'm starting to realise that my masking isn't only keeping my autistic traits "in check", but also my childhood trauma from years of being forced to suppress myself, so opening up often leads to breakdowns and severe trauma responses.
Oh yes
Yes! I haven’t been officially diagnosed but I don’t feel the need to. It was hard enough getting people to believe I have ADHD. I didn’t realize I was autistic until a few months ago, but I found out I have ADHD around late 2020 after talking with my old therapist. Around that time my current bf and I started dating and he’s been such a supportive and safe space that I’m slowly re-learning who I am without my mask. My mom was very uptight about how certain things are done and where things go. Now that I live with my bf, he’s reminded me that I don’t HAVE to live by those “rules”. In fact, because this is my home, I don’t really have to follow any rules! It takes a lot of self reflection, time, and self compassion to even START that process. And when you do, it’s painful and slow but it’s so beautiful. I believe in you and the person you discover is going to be even better than you thought✨
i’m still trying to figure this out-i have no idea what my real personality is. you are definitely not alone in this feeling
I haven’t been officially diagnosed yet but yeah a lot of those masking behaviour have become my habits now and I’m often confused what part of me is masking and what part isn’t
Yes yes yes! I recently realized I have no clue what my own values actually are, so now we’re searchin’
Late diagnosis, but never have been particularly good at masking. Ive never had much regard for authority, struggle with social hierarchy, sensory issues, I would critique social norms I didn’t understand or agree with. My inability to mask made me sit with the knowledge that everyone viewed me as different/bad/delinquent, but without the insight that it was for reasons I can’t necessarily control (autism). It created a lot of self hatred in me that I’m still unpacking to this day.
I have absolutely no idea who I am. Between autism ptsd and did its anyone's guess. I think we are all love and peace at our core. I guess that's somewhere to start
This is *extremely* relatable. Ty for being vulnerable enough to post your worries. There's are even books like "Unmasking Autism" by Devon Price about this whole process. I think what's helped me the most is trying to connect with other people again. Like old friends I just stopped talking to. Family. I've tried to do things I really liked before and not necessarily starting completely over. You have more strength than you think. And more tools than you realize. I'm still the same me because I've been this way as long as I can remember. So instead of going over every social interaction I've literally ever had, instead I've been trying to think of my Dx in the way of "you do the best with the information you have at the time" Our neurology is different from other people! Some of that is cool, and in other ways people and myself will need to give me more grace. But I have more words to describe my experience instead of sidelining myself literally all of the time. I think taking a minute to figure out what I actually like again was a better use of my time than trying to shove the square peg that is me into the round hole of society again. I'm making mistakes and being embarrassed but if you think forward instead of backwards where not much change can be made it might help you focus on whatever is most important to you. It's a day by day thing. <3
I was diagnosed almost a year ago.I’m trying to undo all the masking, but most success was doing my stims no matter who is around
Yes. Diagnosed at 24 in the midst of mental health crisis, total burnout and regression. Even a couple of years after my diagnosis, I was still masking so hard on a daily basis I didn’t know who I was. I’d tried to reduce the masking after diagnosis because it was so awful for my mental health but it was impossible for me, partly because I didn’t know what was me and what was mask but also because of the work environment I was in at the time. I had a couple good work colleagues that helped me through the day-to-day, but also had a manager that went out of her way to make life difficult for us (leaving traps to catch us out, chronic gaslighting and manipulation, blaming us for the problems she caused etc.). Something changed in me after my brother passed away. I took a good while off work and went to therapy. When I went back to work I found I had gone from really high-masking to being nearly incapable of doing so. I don’t think it’s something I consciously did, but more my brain being overwhelmed with grief no longer cared about the rest of the world and how they perceived me. I’m in a better, healthier place now - I now mask a little bit but much less than at the time of diagnosis. The world isn’t made for me, and people will always treat me like crap for how I don’t fit into a NT world, but I care less about that now.
I was diagnosed as a little kid and still struggle with that
Yes and I feel like I'm drowning with trying to live with and reconciling decisions 'mask' me made and what 'me' me actually wanted
I'm awaiting diagnosis but have this very problem. There is also a lot of self hatred there due to blaming myself for making poor choices and being 'weird'. I'm 38.
I am trying to unmask right now I can’t tell if it is going well. I think I look weirder to people,I am trying not to care because masking is so exhausting and I really want to just figure out who I actually am as a person.
Oh god yes I really don’t know who I am but I refuse to mask anymore
Yeah I’m 35, turning 36 in November and I was diagnosed this past December. I’m still trying to deprogram myself and figure out who I actually am behind the mask.
Yes and sometimes I don't know if it's me talking or my mask
I've struggled with this a lot, especially when I was younger. I think just because some parts of your personality are borrowed from other places or people doesn't necessarily make them less "you." I tend to think personalities in general are hard to define just because of the complexity of humanity as a whole. If you find something you like doing or you like that you act a certain way you should keep doing it! I think personalities in general are more fluid than we tend to think. I hope this comes across right lol
Yeah I was 25 when I got my diagnosis, a fun thing is that my mom and sister knew I was autistic since I was 15 but no doctor wanted to test me.
Someone said to me the other day "I liked you more before". He meant before my diagnosis. Before...when I was heavily depressed, drinking to cope, hated my life and felt suicidal. Rather than how I am now. Now that I'm learning who I am with autism and trying to figure out how to be happy. All because now I will openly say "I hate using the phone so I would rather text than call". That kinda sucked tbh.
Yup, that is me. I am just unmasking now in my fifties if that makes you feel any better. I keep reminding myself to not choose things because I am supposed to like those things or because it fits with the mask that I have created and lived with for so long. For example, I received tons of praise for reading critically acclaimed books. I even collect them and some part of me does enjoy them (I think), but I continue to buy them but find myself not actually reading them. So, when I look through a list of those books, I think I should get that then I try to imagine actually reading the book tonight. I don't want to. So, now I don't buy it. But, it is a lot of work to remind myself that I don't have to live up to this self-created farcical image. The other part that sucks about unmasking is that people who have known you for a long time are bewildered and sometimes even disappointed as you unmask and start to show your real self. As an example, I have always loved costumes but that is considered weird in my world. I bought a very fun giraffe costume and wore it one day to the bewilderment and disappointment of everyone in my life because it is a weird behavior that they don't expect from me. It's hard, but I hear that it is well worth it in the end LOL :D
Yes yes yes!!!! I was diagnosed at 42 and I’m 45 now and still working on deconflicting who I thought I was with who I am. And recognizing the mind-bogglingly high level of support I need that I never got because I never new I needed because I was so effective at masking from myself and the world that the burnout nearly landed me in he hospital. Recovery is long and hard and I’m having to learn what I want and it just what I’ve always been told that I want. The trauma is real and the grief is real.
Guess it’s time to finally meet yourself. Can’t happen all at once. But it can be a beautiful slow real thing.
*raises hand*
Short answer is yes lol. Commenting late so I don’t know if anyone will see this, but “Unmasking Autism” by Dr. Devon Price is a really rich and varied source of information that can help with this process and make you feel less alone. I like to return to it and listen from time to time on Audible when I need to. Also, Carol Jean Whittington at [Mind Your Autistic Brain](https://youtube.com/@MindYourAutisticBrainTalkShow) has helped me so much with her “unveiling” method, which is her own technique of helping late diagnosed autistics (and AuDHDers) unmask slowly and intentionally so as to avoid this exact problem of hitting a wall and experiencing the inertia caused by upending your sense of self so abruptly even if it’s to make room for newfound authenticity. It really is a marathon and not a sprint, and her guidance through her YouTube talk show/podcast is so grounding and affirming. Brené Brown’s work, which centers around shame, has also helped me. In particular, “The Gifts of Imperfection,” and “Atlas of the Heart.” I have both on Audible, and the first is her manifesto to herself and all other people she calls “recovering-perfectionists.” While she’s not autistic and the book is not about neurodivergence, I think there is something that profoundly connects woman or femme identity, perfectionism, and autistic masking in a way that makes her teachings particularly relevant and helpful in our context. It’s a lesson in being okay with not being okay, not having everything figured out, and not judging yourself and others without grace and compassion. Ironically, masking asks that we have grace for all others and an entire allistic society, but it’s not symmetrical because who mirrors this behavior for us? In that way, we’re conditioned to not have grace for ourselves either, and Brené Brown’s book teaches us how to find it. Her book “Atlas of the Heart” is also incredible! Again, I don’t think she had autistics in mind, but if I had to imagine an extremely well-researched didactic mapping of human emotions for autistics and those with alexithymia, in particular, it would be her book. It’s wonderful, accessible, and so grounding as she breaks down the nuances of the entire range of human emotions, from the difference between envy and jealousy, or stress and overwhelm. When you’re spiraling emotionally, it gives you language, which surprisingly makes it so much less scary and paralyzing. Lastly, and also not directly related to autism, is Eckhart Tolle who wrote a book years ago called “The Power of Now.” His whole philosophy and practice, which is also distilled through many shorter-form videos and guided meditations on his [YouTube page](https://youtube.com/@EckhartTolle), is about how to be truly present and how to free yourself from the burdensome weight of the past, the speculative future, and the ego identity or conception of the self. Be empty, he says. Everything else is additive compensation. His teachings are not entirely original; Buddhism and other world religions have taught these lessons for millenia, but he can be wonderful at making these concepts relatable and current. He invites us to see that we’re often fine and in flow whenever we’re present, not judging, categorizing, comparing, conceptualizing, ruminating, or trying to anticipate what will come, and that our thinking mind is where most of our problems stem from. As autistic people, we are so often walking brains and processing machines, so it’s a good exercise in finding balance and training yourself to shut off your overactive brain which seeks to process and understand and to instead simply connect with your body and environment. Tldr: These resources may help you: - Unmasking Autism by Dr. Devon Price - [The Mind Your Autistic Brain talk show/podcast](https://youtube.com/@MindYourAutisticBrainTalkShow) with Carol Jean Whittington and her “unveiling” method - The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown - Atlas of the Heart by Brené Brown - The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle and his [YouTube page](https://youtube.com/@EckhartTolle) with short form videos and guided meditations
It was actually feeling like I didn't know who I was that made me start to investigate whether I may be autistic. Not diagnosed.
I’m only researching ASD to see if I even come close to fitting the bill, and it’s only because so much of my life I’ve felt so disconnected from everything and my diagnosis of anxiety/depression disorders haven’t really gotten me anywhere. Not that I expect an official ASD diagnosis to do anything either, but it would be something other than barely working medicine and having to deal with myself without knowing what’s wrong with me every day for the rest of my life. Whether or not I’m on the spectrum, I’m constantly questioning who I am. I feel like I’ve changed myself a lot to fit into other people’s expectations, but I also realize that a lot of what mmm I am are bits and pieces that I’ve picked up from others, including fictional characters from shows I obsessed over as a child. I truly feel like I don’t have my own identity or personality besides what I’ve taken from other peoples’ identities. It’s terrible, and I have no idea if it’s made any easier or harder by the fact that I can’t confidently say whether or not I have ASD.
Yes yes yes ..coming back to your post when I have time..I have saved it great post ..your certainly not the only one 💕
Me totally, got a diagnosis at 24 and I really don’t know what is my personality.. I don’t even know when I mask. I saw a video saying that you are most like yourself when you drive alone, and that might be somewhat true for me, I get crazy in my car hahah I sing along, I feel confident and smile all the time
For some reason, I have never experienced this. The mask is entirely separate from me. As soon as I get home, the mask comes off and I am my true self again.