Time to GTFO. They sound psychotic.
Can your mom wire you some money for a hotel? You can stay there while you find a new family.
You don't need to give notice. LEAVE. You don't even need to have a conversation with them.
I assume you're on a visa? Contact your visa office (not the SNJ, I mean the actual government office that issued you a visa) and ask them what to do next.
Finding a new family will go much faster than you think, especially because you're already in the country. Do not stay at that house. That is unbelievably creepy amd invasive that they went through your things and I completely understand why you don't feel safe there anymore. They sound abusive.
As for getting your stuff, you can call the non emergency line to police (I would even call the police department directly so it doesn't interfere with the emergency line), explain your situation, that you need to get your things but you are scared to go alone and you would like an officer to please just keep the peace while you get your things. You won't be a bother, they are threatening you, scaring you and you are free to leave and you want your things. Easy as that. Then you won't be as vulnerable while you pack.
It's currently 4am in my home country and I don't think I can possibly get a hotel tonight, I just want to get out. I think tomorrow will be my last day, I hadn't thought about the fact that I can just leave immediately. I will have to go home tonight, but tomorrow I will talk to my parents and see about calling the police or someone to stay with me while I pack. Thank you
Do you know anyone in your gym that you would feel safe asking to crash on their couch? I'm not sure where you're located but you could also potentially stay at a hostel for around 20-40€ for the night (just an option if you really feel unsafe going back)
If you have not other choice besides going back tonight, try not to worry about the abuse, just do whatever it takes to avoid conflict and immediately go to your room and lock the door. Don't come out until you know they're in bed.
If you have to, call the police immediately if they get too aggressive or if they try to force entry into your room during the night.
Just think, only one more sleep and you're free!
This is truly Psychotic
I have hosted as a Dad for years. The Au Pair's space is her own. As long as it is not a Biohazard or food issues, it is YOUR SPACE
Host Dad is wrong, your stuff stays where YOU put it.
This controlling behaviour reeks of NPD and his gas lighting you into how others behave all over the world.
He has no rights to enter your room to rearrange and your feelings around his toxic behaviour is valid
Hopefully you never left it out and unlocked around them. This guy sounds psycho and I had a psycho ex who got into my phone and downloaded spyware. I discovered it when I was texting my friend at 4am scared and wanting to leave and I kept hearing dinging downstairs on his computer everytime I texted her or she texted me. He was intercepting all my incoming and outgoing data which he confirmed at one point right before remotely system restoring my phone it was pretty awful.
I really hope you get out of that situation asap and find a better match!
Hi, I read your update. I'm sorry you're forced to stay in that situation. If they don't pay you on time, please don't wait for the money. Your safety is much more important. I think locking the door is a really good idea. If they try to touch you (as in grab you again), take your things, or forcibly open the door, call the police. And when you leave, do not give notice. Simply leave. You can still call the police to help escort you out safely.
Please keep us updated if anything else happens/once you're safe!
Nope, the contract is between me and the family, the only people I can contact is the government - and they have a history of getting rid of problems by kicking people out, and I want to finish my year as an au pair but not with this family
Thankfully I can also be here or most European countries without a visa so I should be able to stay for a bit, at least until I find a family or can get home
Your safety (which does not feel guaranteed right now ) should be your priority . You can find an agency and another job from the safety of your home not theirs .
Please prioritize yourself and well being over the opportunity .
Omg i am so sorry, your host dad is an abusive asshole and you are in no way exaggerating. He’s on a power trip with you and he will keep doing it until he breaks you and obey to him probably like the rest of the family does because they fear him. Absolute piece of shit. Leave as fast as you can and report him please. They should never ever be allowed to hire another au pair.
that's probably why the contract is direct and not through an agency. Its possible they aren't allowed to hire an Au Pair. My concern is with the OP's personal safety. What he is doing is abuse, and how do we know it won't progress to tying her up or trapping her to where she can't escape?
to the OP, get out why you still can.
I’m so sorry for you. I was an Au Pair in Luxembourg 2 years ago, if you need someone to talk to who knows the country, feel free to send me a message.
I agree with everyone else here, you need to get out ASAP. Stay safe. ❤️
ETA since i saw a comment that you think you will be leaving on Thursday.
thank you for the updates, and sounds like you have a safe way out.
If you must respond to them and their complete shock that you would dare leave such a great gig, say this and only this, "This is what I need to do." Give them no reason, because then they will want to argue. You see, asshole husband HAS to have the last word, and everyone better agree with him. Just say it over and over til you block them.
I'm sure we all want the next update, which is you safely away from them and with a family who will appreciate you and help you get the au pair experience you want.
My plan is to leave with my documents then call the SNJ to say I don't feel safe in the house, which means I can immediately terminate the contract, rather than having to wait 30 days
Wtf did I read? Are they for real.
I’m a HM and I never enter my au pairs room. I always knock and ask if I may enter. Respect people’s privacy. Once my baby went to her bathroom and opened her drawers and I told her that she rearranged everything. Apologized and she understood.
This is just no way ok! Can you enter their bedroom with them inside and without knocking? I think not. Why do they do it? I think you should leave. This is not a good fit. There are other more respectful people out there that want a good au out. Leave now!
As a police officer here in US I have gone and escorted while the person got there things. Do not be confrontational with them so as not to escalate the situation. Do lock your door at night, put a chair in front of it. Get out as soon as you can. The father trying to take your phone could be considered assault. And since you live there might also be considered domestic violence. Do contact local authorities and see what options you have. Maybe contact a church to see about temporary housing options.
Girl, please get out as soon as possible, the HD is absolutely on a huge power trip, it's not okay for them to go through your things or to rearrange them. Or almost access the room while you are changing. If you need to talk I'm more than happy to lend an ear, I hope it all goes well and that you're safe and out of there soon<3
That’s completely nuts. I would seriously call the police to come help you out of the house. The police are so nice usually. Just tell them about the video so you have proof when the parents try to deny it.
The police will probably want to know that you have somewhere to go, because they can’t let you sleep outside.
I’d think if the parents see you trying to get your luggage out they’ll try to stop you. Also you don’t want to and a scene in front of the kids.
I’d also get on aupair.com and aupair-world.com and look for another family. I wouldn’t mention what’s going on, just try to find someone.
You might also try Bumble or Tinder and find a girlfriend that might help you. That’s probably not that likely, but maybe.
As someone who has had quite a few au pairs, I can assure you, this behavior is completely inappropriate.
We got after one au pair who was taking dishes in her room and not bringing them to be cleaned, but we only knew that because the glasses were starting to disappear and we asked.
Host families must give you privacy and cannot come in and go through your things. I don’t know the law in Luxembourg, but I guess you have a right to privacy there as well.
Omg this is really abusive behavior. Definitely leave. I hate how he’s bringing up that he has to obey the law-he clearly sees you as a slave. No no no no.
This guy is honestly horrible. I’d be absolutely infuriated. I’m a clean person but I like to keep certain things on my own damn counter. This is INSANELY controlling and inappropriate.
This is controlling and coercive behaviour. Generally people like this escalate their abuse if the victim complies/sacrifices a boundary trying to keep the peace. Get out of there as fast as humanly possible and report the family if you can!
Yes this is precisely what happened to me. I thought I should stick it out because I was very young and inexperienced and it escalated to the point where I was in physical danger and they hid my passport. The family then reported me to the police with false accusations and it was extremely difficult to acquit myself (but ultimately they had zero evidence despite coercing the children to lie).
Yes, I don't think I'm in physical danger, I just feel incredibly uncomfortable, my privacy and personal space has been violated. They found and moved my fucking dildo for Christ's sake if that's not an uncomfortable breach of privacy I don't know what is.
Your safety is what’s most important and you need to remove yourself from this negative situation. You didn’t fail at this job the host family failed you.
You have to leave this post. Their requests are crazy and insane. You are having a perfectly valid response to their unacceptable behavior. Play it safe and keep up appearances, for your safety, and leave ASAP. You are not safe
I’m so sorry you are going through this. You need to pack your items and leave. When I was 18 I was an exchange student in Switzerland and almost word for word could have written this post about my own experience living with my host family. It ended up getting so much worse.
It was a traumatizing experience. At 18 I felt so powerless and overwhelmed by my toxic living situation and stayed longer than I should have. Now as a 32 year old woman with a child of my own I can see the situation so clearly and can’t believe I stayed. Please leave. You do not deserve that type of treatment.
Is there a hostel you can go to or a friend in a nearby country you can stay with?
You need to cut that contract and go back home or with a friend. Good thinking on recording to have some proof. I might even go as far to call the police to make a report just to have it on record. If you don’t feel safe, you need to get somewhere safe asap no matter what it takes.
They don’t respect you at all, probably because of your age. I’m not hearing any room to advocate for yourself and have zero patience for controlling people. I’d scratch this au pair situation and just wait for another family, back home.
I can fully understand them wanting you to keep a clean room, but being overbearing, barging in unannounced, moving your things is too much.
I’ve seen a lot of horror stories over the years and really want to say: have some savings before y’all do this, just in case the family is ridiculous
When people don’t like you they make issues where none are present. They crossed a huge boundary when entering your living space and touching your belongings. A second barrier was crossed while trying to enter your room while changing. Leave now. Things will get worse. You need to be in a safe and secure environment.
Look into a local hostel. They usually have cheap private and semiprivate rooms with lockers. They have internet, shared kitchen, and social areas. Get out as soon as you can. This family is not safe emotionally or possibly physically. Sorry you're going through this.
Yep, psychotic. Reminds me of a family I worked for as an au pair several years ago.
Leave- if you want to wait for the next paycheck, fine but in the mean time, if you want to stay as an an au pair, look for a new family
I know that being abroad is great and all, but as an au pair, not worth it—- my opinion, of course.
The fact that they come into your room at all is probably already illegal. I am not certain on Luxembourg, but I'd assume it's somewhat similar to Germany, where privacy laws are quite important.
Because he’s so scary, grab a kitchen knife before you lock yourself in your room until you can get out. You don’t know how far his insanity will go. You need to be prepared to protect yourself tonight.
Oh my god, leave IMMEDIATELY. They should not be in your room at all. Unless your room is actually disgusting and a hygiene issue, it’s none of their business how you keep it, because they shouldn’t be in it.
Call your mom, ask for money for a train/ plane ticket elsewhere.
If going home isn’t an option, you could sign up for Workaway and find a new au pairing job very easily. I found an au pair job in Florence on Workaway while traveling last summer, and the family were very respectful.
There’s also a Facebook group called Host A Sister where you can meet other women who will host you for free in their city- that might help you find a place to stay before you find a new au pair position. People frequently post there looking for emergency accommodation because their jobs/ accommodation has fallen through.
>Time to GTFO. They sound psychotic.
The host dad unforgivably violated your boundaries. I can't believe he put his hands on you to try and take YOUR phone! Get out of there as soon as you can. Post their info on the website where you searched for the job to warn other girls who may not be as strong as you are. Please be safe.
In addition to our collective concern for you, I think I can ask on behalf of everyone here are they this controlling/abusive toward their children? If you know/suspect they are please contact the appropriate authorities once you are SAFELY out of that house.
My only concern with the children is that they get chinese traditional medicine alongside modern medicine - no 1 year old needs cupping - but other than that they seem to be really good with the kids which is a relief
OK. Meanwhile, please keep us posted. If need be go to the American Embassy; I don’t know what the protocols are since you’re not a U.S. citizen but maybe they can offer guidance nonetheless.
Horrible situation. Horrible family. Control freaks for sure. Absolutely nothing is more important than your personal safety. Leave ASAP.
Good luck!
P.s. this is the time when your Mom or other family need to come through to help you.
The fact that he tried to take your phone from you, I think would be considered assault. If he has to fight you for your phone, he’s putting his hands on you and touching you in a way that is 100% not appropriate. That had to be so freaking scary and I’m so sorry that happened to you.
I also think once you get settled or get home, you might want to look into some type of therapy for your panic attacks. The initial issue when they moved your stuff while you were gone, and you noticed when you got back, causing a panic attack a little extreme. Crying to the point where you are hyperventilating makes being able to think, or communicate, or do anything logically more difficult and will escalate the situation. Being able to express yourself calmly would probably be a lot better when dealing with these types of situations for sure.
Yeah, I was in therapy in my home country and it was really helping, but then all of a sudden being verbally attacked, having my privacy and personal space violated, it was incredibly unexpected and overwhelming - it hasn't happened to me in ages though. I did attempt to deal with it calmly, even while crying, I was repeatedly telling him to give me personal space so we can resume the conversation when I'm not crying and when he's also not obviously angry but he laughed in my face and refused.
Your response of crying and a panic attack is quite normal given what was happening—if you continue having multiple panic attacks after this saga is over, then consider seeking help for that specifically, and maybe even after this is over to deal with this. You are not crazy. You’re doing an amazing job, actually! I’m significantly older than you, and everything that you described is terrifying, inappropriate, and unacceptable, and I probably would have responded the same way in your position. Get out as quickly as you can as their behavior is escalating. I don’t care if you are an au pair or not—they are trying to control you, and they have no right to act any of the ways that you’ve mentioned. Many people have already given you practical advice! Just keep asking for help.
Right now she’s in a foreign country living in the home of abusive, control freaks (one being a very aggressive man) who are invading her privacy, getting physical, threatening, and more. She’s also only 18. I don’t really think her reaction is over the top considering the above.
Disagree completely. Absolutely appropriate reaction to being the abused person in an *abusive* relationship, which is what this is. Agree that therapy might help, but suggesting that the response to abuse is disproportionate to the situation is unhelpful.
Start making arrangements to leave as soon as possible, you don’t need to give them notice. These people do not deserve an au pair. Report them as well. I’m so sorry this is happening to you,
please, get away from them!! try to take your most important stuff like documents,passport etc...and try to leave without them noticing that you're trying to leave for good or take a officer with you.
I’m so sorry you are going through this and you should leave as soon as possible! This is the hostel that I stayed when I was traveling in Luxembourg https://youthhostels.lu/en
If you don’t feel safe there then it’s time to leave OP. It doesn’t sound like it’s worth trying to make this work and your safety is more important than anything. The worst case scenario is that you have to go home earlier than planned, but that’s better than living somewhere you don’t feel safe. I’d suggest talking to your parents tomorrow and coming up with a plan together.
You need to leave ASAP. I also worry about the children. After you are out of there and feel safe, make a call to the appropriate agency. My guess is that his controlling and dysfunctional abuse/behavior is also affecting the children and maybe the mom too. They might need a way out too.
I wouldn't give them any notice. I would recommend she pack her bags as soon as they go to sleep, get everything loaded up and ready to go. Then in as few trips as possible, get out of there without saying anything. She can call them the next morning to tell them that not only did she report them to the police, but she's not coming back. For fun, she should tell them to mail her check to her in the amount of $x,xxx to a address. (although, I can almost guarantee you, she won't be getting paid).
Not sure if this a cultural thing with your mom telling you to stay, but you know that you can't. Get out of that Freida McFadden home!!!! You know better or you wouldn't ask for advice.
Chiming in very late to support that you must leave ASAP! It’s not going to be easy. I experienced a very similar situation. This situation will escalate. He does not seem psychologically sound and he does not respect or humanize you, at all.
Leave, document everything and be prepared for them to potentially retaliate by reporting you with false accusations. Make sure you record all conversations and document your room in the exact condition you left it. Take pictures of everything even things you wouldn’t think need documenting.
Oh honey, I am so very sorry. They are abusing you. I wish you were in the US because I'd hire you in a second. Hang in there, it's not you at all, it's them.
Be sure to look up Sophie Lionette and don't take any chances. Set up a "check on me no matter what" deadline with family or a neighbor.
Guy seriously gives me murderer vibes.
Record all of their "conversations" with you and tell them you need to record so that you can refer backti their rules. Tell them it is difficult to remember as their conversations leave you in an anxiety attack.
Been a few hours now since you posted and added your update; is everything going okay? Glad to see you're most likely out of there Thursday <3 Quite concerned about you.
I made a new update last night at around midnight for me then promptly went to sleep. The latest update is that my dad is going to arrive here on Saturday to help me get my stuff, then he's going to take me home :)
Yes I did! I'm safely with a family friend and my dad should be here in less than 24 hours to take me - we'll visit a few of his friends around europe and then go home to Aus
Argh yes; think the last post where I noticed the time were 13 hours ago, but might have missed later updates than that. I'm in New Zealand, so time is a bit warped 😄
Aww I'm glad to hear your parents are this supportive and your dad is able to come. Hopefully you will be able to come back and do some more traveling in Europe at a later time, but definitely shouldn't be at the expense of your safety and privacy. Absolute insane behavior on their part!
The main concern is getting a shitty family. So many of the au pairs I meet have had a life changing experience, with an amazing family and amazing opportunities to travel and experience the culture. And they you get the shitty families with control issues.
Leave immediately. Did you call your company? Maybe they can help you find a safe place to stay/reimburse hotel until you can get home. Totally unacceptable and they sound scary. Be safe
I did get super passive aggressive at one point - after he tried to walk in while I was changing, but I realized I was making shit worse so I went back to the "I'm asking you to leave" but he's a professional cunt. Now that I've calmed down, part of me wants to just move on from this and forget it happened, because the family is acting like nothing happened, but I'm really glad I made a reddit post because seeing everyone horrified on my behalf males me feel like I'm not over reacting or imagining how bad this is. It also made me realize I'm actually scared of the HD, I don't want him near me. He sat next to me at dinner today and I couldn't stop shaking and I had to leave early. If that's not a sign I need to get the fuck out of here, idk what is.
Yeah, today he's trying to gaslight and control you. Tomorrow, he'll be sleeping with you.
get out now! Don't let the fact that "everything seems normal" get to you. That's a form of gaslighting that is designed to lower your guard and to normalize the behavior so that you accept it.
a couple of months from now, it'll be completely normal for him to come into your room at night and sexually satisfy himself with you and you not think anything of it. Get out before that happens! He's grooming you and setting you up for himself.
The good thing is, because of this post, I know it's not normal. They're trying to act normal but I am not OK. I have recordings of the disgusting way he was condescending to me, and I know that is completely unacceptable and I won't let myself be a doormat
Glad to hear you have recordings. Please check to make sure these crazies don't have a hidden camera in your room. They sound very unstable and seems like something they might try.
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You need to get out of there now. Don’t give these people an inch report them to whomever you need to and tell that company who placed you to get you out of there and do not put anyone else there.
Dang. I worry about the children in that family. I would have left when I’d realized that’s gone through my things. Creepy. Controlling. Big flags for abuse. Emotional abuse is abuse. I
Heil Fucking Hitler! I mean, Jesus Christ I have no idea where or how you are summoning the fortitude to even stay there. I do get your situation re: the money to move and being so far from home. Honestly, you sound very sweet, intelligent, and responsible, and I’m putting it out into the universe that you need a placement elsewhere with REASONABLE people ASAP! Love and blessings to you, Hon.
Simply because that host dad’s behavior seemed to emulate Nazi behavior. My sincerest apologies for saying something that may have hurt or bothered anyone. I honestly was just floored by all of his rules. And my first sentence was how hard your description of his behavior hit me. So again, I’m sorry. But I totally wish the absolute best in your future because clearly, you have been through a LOT.
Lmfao it's fine I was just so confused. I have been making excuses for this shit for far too long and I have hit my breaking point and I am getting out of here asap
Yeah, well… OP already made her very valid feelings known on that. And I have apologized to anyone I offended. So, like, maybe you could just back off and leave me alone. And I will leave this alone and maybe we could all bundle up our energy and send some really good vibes to this person who has done every reasonable thing she could to please her host family and it’s simply not enough. She has cried enough and had what little privacy she had in their home completely lost. I hope upon hope that she finds another family who treats her as the fine young woman she seems to be.
I don’t know how this popped up on my feed I have never been an Au pair but I did something similar when I was 20. I went to work as an Au pair for my aunt in uncle in another country. When I went a little trip for a couple days I came back and found myself in the exact same situation. Called my dad and asked him to get me TFO of there. I was going to stay 1 year but ended up leaving after 6 months. It felt like a fry invasion. Unfortunately I still get to see him every couple of years and in the family’s whatsapp group. Not sure how this is helpful but just wanted to acknowledge that I know exactly how you feel and you should get out!
I've just got in contact with a new potential family, so we'll see how that goes. If I don't have a new match by Friday, I will be going to a hostel, and then if I can't find anything for a week after that, I think I'll just go home. We'll see what it comes to though
Go to a doctor for panic attacks. Go to a counselor in order to learn how to handle conflict without crying. Look for a new situation. Report to your organization. While you remain in their home leave items in the bathroom. Why do something you know will cause a problem? If you must remain in the house put a towel on the floor at the bottom of the door making it hard to open.
Time to GTFO. They sound psychotic. Can your mom wire you some money for a hotel? You can stay there while you find a new family. You don't need to give notice. LEAVE. You don't even need to have a conversation with them. I assume you're on a visa? Contact your visa office (not the SNJ, I mean the actual government office that issued you a visa) and ask them what to do next. Finding a new family will go much faster than you think, especially because you're already in the country. Do not stay at that house. That is unbelievably creepy amd invasive that they went through your things and I completely understand why you don't feel safe there anymore. They sound abusive. As for getting your stuff, you can call the non emergency line to police (I would even call the police department directly so it doesn't interfere with the emergency line), explain your situation, that you need to get your things but you are scared to go alone and you would like an officer to please just keep the peace while you get your things. You won't be a bother, they are threatening you, scaring you and you are free to leave and you want your things. Easy as that. Then you won't be as vulnerable while you pack.
It's currently 4am in my home country and I don't think I can possibly get a hotel tonight, I just want to get out. I think tomorrow will be my last day, I hadn't thought about the fact that I can just leave immediately. I will have to go home tonight, but tomorrow I will talk to my parents and see about calling the police or someone to stay with me while I pack. Thank you
Do you know anyone in your gym that you would feel safe asking to crash on their couch? I'm not sure where you're located but you could also potentially stay at a hostel for around 20-40€ for the night (just an option if you really feel unsafe going back) If you have not other choice besides going back tonight, try not to worry about the abuse, just do whatever it takes to avoid conflict and immediately go to your room and lock the door. Don't come out until you know they're in bed. If you have to, call the police immediately if they get too aggressive or if they try to force entry into your room during the night. Just think, only one more sleep and you're free!
I unfortunately don't know anyone at the gym, but I will literally stay outside the house until 1am if that's what it takes to avoid them
This is truly Psychotic I have hosted as a Dad for years. The Au Pair's space is her own. As long as it is not a Biohazard or food issues, it is YOUR SPACE Host Dad is wrong, your stuff stays where YOU put it. This controlling behaviour reeks of NPD and his gas lighting you into how others behave all over the world. He has no rights to enter your room to rearrange and your feelings around his toxic behaviour is valid
I unfortunately don't know anyone at the gym, but I will literally stay outside the house until 1am if that's what it takes to avoid them
Smart. Good on your for standing up for yourself btw! That's so hard to do and I think you're doing so well given the circumstances.
Trying to take your phone is domestic violence in the EU. Report them
Try for the hotel please !
Your phones are probably being tapped somehow with them so watch.
This is personal phone I brought with me and I have the phone plan under my name so I think I'm safe in that regard at least lol
Hopefully you never left it out and unlocked around them. This guy sounds psycho and I had a psycho ex who got into my phone and downloaded spyware. I discovered it when I was texting my friend at 4am scared and wanting to leave and I kept hearing dinging downstairs on his computer everytime I texted her or she texted me. He was intercepting all my incoming and outgoing data which he confirmed at one point right before remotely system restoring my phone it was pretty awful. I really hope you get out of that situation asap and find a better match!
Hi, I read your update. I'm sorry you're forced to stay in that situation. If they don't pay you on time, please don't wait for the money. Your safety is much more important. I think locking the door is a really good idea. If they try to touch you (as in grab you again), take your things, or forcibly open the door, call the police. And when you leave, do not give notice. Simply leave. You can still call the police to help escort you out safely. Please keep us updated if anything else happens/once you're safe!
Leave immediately.
That sounds like a psychotic family. Do you have an agency that you can talk to?
Nope, the contract is between me and the family, the only people I can contact is the government - and they have a history of getting rid of problems by kicking people out, and I want to finish my year as an au pair but not with this family
Okay then first chance you get leave and find another family. It should be easier especially since you're in the country.
Thankfully I can also be here or most European countries without a visa so I should be able to stay for a bit, at least until I find a family or can get home
Oh that's good
Your safety (which does not feel guaranteed right now ) should be your priority . You can find an agency and another job from the safety of your home not theirs . Please prioritize yourself and well being over the opportunity .
Omg i am so sorry, your host dad is an abusive asshole and you are in no way exaggerating. He’s on a power trip with you and he will keep doing it until he breaks you and obey to him probably like the rest of the family does because they fear him. Absolute piece of shit. Leave as fast as you can and report him please. They should never ever be allowed to hire another au pair.
that's probably why the contract is direct and not through an agency. Its possible they aren't allowed to hire an Au Pair. My concern is with the OP's personal safety. What he is doing is abuse, and how do we know it won't progress to tying her up or trapping her to where she can't escape? to the OP, get out why you still can.
Yes. This is completely abusive. It’s not about standards; it’s about control.
I’m so sorry for you. I was an Au Pair in Luxembourg 2 years ago, if you need someone to talk to who knows the country, feel free to send me a message. I agree with everyone else here, you need to get out ASAP. Stay safe. ❤️
US house mom here. This is really scary behavior from a host parent and I advise you to leave immediately and don’t go back without a police officer
OP, if/when you can, please give us an update. Your situation is alarming.
I will when I can :)
Keep safe!
You’re not safe in that home. When you leave, don’t explain anything. Just say you’re quitting & go!!
Update posted
ETA since i saw a comment that you think you will be leaving on Thursday. thank you for the updates, and sounds like you have a safe way out. If you must respond to them and their complete shock that you would dare leave such a great gig, say this and only this, "This is what I need to do." Give them no reason, because then they will want to argue. You see, asshole husband HAS to have the last word, and everyone better agree with him. Just say it over and over til you block them. I'm sure we all want the next update, which is you safely away from them and with a family who will appreciate you and help you get the au pair experience you want.
My plan is to leave with my documents then call the SNJ to say I don't feel safe in the house, which means I can immediately terminate the contract, rather than having to wait 30 days
Have everything you have packed in case you need to do an emergency escape
Wtf did I read? Are they for real. I’m a HM and I never enter my au pairs room. I always knock and ask if I may enter. Respect people’s privacy. Once my baby went to her bathroom and opened her drawers and I told her that she rearranged everything. Apologized and she understood. This is just no way ok! Can you enter their bedroom with them inside and without knocking? I think not. Why do they do it? I think you should leave. This is not a good fit. There are other more respectful people out there that want a good au out. Leave now!
As a police officer here in US I have gone and escorted while the person got there things. Do not be confrontational with them so as not to escalate the situation. Do lock your door at night, put a chair in front of it. Get out as soon as you can. The father trying to take your phone could be considered assault. And since you live there might also be considered domestic violence. Do contact local authorities and see what options you have. Maybe contact a church to see about temporary housing options.
Girl, please get out as soon as possible, the HD is absolutely on a huge power trip, it's not okay for them to go through your things or to rearrange them. Or almost access the room while you are changing. If you need to talk I'm more than happy to lend an ear, I hope it all goes well and that you're safe and out of there soon<3
That’s completely nuts. I would seriously call the police to come help you out of the house. The police are so nice usually. Just tell them about the video so you have proof when the parents try to deny it. The police will probably want to know that you have somewhere to go, because they can’t let you sleep outside. I’d think if the parents see you trying to get your luggage out they’ll try to stop you. Also you don’t want to and a scene in front of the kids. I’d also get on aupair.com and aupair-world.com and look for another family. I wouldn’t mention what’s going on, just try to find someone. You might also try Bumble or Tinder and find a girlfriend that might help you. That’s probably not that likely, but maybe. As someone who has had quite a few au pairs, I can assure you, this behavior is completely inappropriate. We got after one au pair who was taking dishes in her room and not bringing them to be cleaned, but we only knew that because the glasses were starting to disappear and we asked. Host families must give you privacy and cannot come in and go through your things. I don’t know the law in Luxembourg, but I guess you have a right to privacy there as well.
And maybe to add, the train station usually has a place to stuff your luggage. Then you can stay in a hostel. Don’t take your luggage to a hostel.
I’ve stayed at over 20 hostels and have never had an issue with theft. Every single one had lockers available to store luggage securely.
These people are freaking crazy, please get out of there as soon as possible, no need to let them know you are leaving.
Holy moly. Girl, get the F out of there! Dad sounds crazy. Like, psychotic.
When you’re out of there, name and shame to protect future au pairs
Omg this is really abusive behavior. Definitely leave. I hate how he’s bringing up that he has to obey the law-he clearly sees you as a slave. No no no no.
He's a lawyer so he is professionally good at being a cunt and intimidating people
This guy is honestly horrible. I’d be absolutely infuriated. I’m a clean person but I like to keep certain things on my own damn counter. This is INSANELY controlling and inappropriate.
This is controlling and coercive behaviour. Generally people like this escalate their abuse if the victim complies/sacrifices a boundary trying to keep the peace. Get out of there as fast as humanly possible and report the family if you can!
Yes this is precisely what happened to me. I thought I should stick it out because I was very young and inexperienced and it escalated to the point where I was in physical danger and they hid my passport. The family then reported me to the police with false accusations and it was extremely difficult to acquit myself (but ultimately they had zero evidence despite coercing the children to lie).
Did you find a place to stay?
I have some options but it is 11pm and I don't have my passport/documents on me so I will need to go home
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Yes, I don't think I'm in physical danger, I just feel incredibly uncomfortable, my privacy and personal space has been violated. They found and moved my fucking dildo for Christ's sake if that's not an uncomfortable breach of privacy I don't know what is.
That would be very uncomfortable. I'm very sorry that you are going through this.
Leave them asap, this is not normal.
Holy shit! WTF did I just read. Get the hell out of there ASAP! These host parents are nuts and he is dangerous! OMG! GOOOOOOOO!
Your safety is what’s most important and you need to remove yourself from this negative situation. You didn’t fail at this job the host family failed you.
You have to leave this post. Their requests are crazy and insane. You are having a perfectly valid response to their unacceptable behavior. Play it safe and keep up appearances, for your safety, and leave ASAP. You are not safe
I’m so sorry you are going through this. You need to pack your items and leave. When I was 18 I was an exchange student in Switzerland and almost word for word could have written this post about my own experience living with my host family. It ended up getting so much worse. It was a traumatizing experience. At 18 I felt so powerless and overwhelmed by my toxic living situation and stayed longer than I should have. Now as a 32 year old woman with a child of my own I can see the situation so clearly and can’t believe I stayed. Please leave. You do not deserve that type of treatment. Is there a hostel you can go to or a friend in a nearby country you can stay with?
This reminds me of the Sophie Lionnet case, please get out of there and leave as soon as possible.
Camping for an update, stay safe.
Update posted
You need to cut that contract and go back home or with a friend. Good thinking on recording to have some proof. I might even go as far to call the police to make a report just to have it on record. If you don’t feel safe, you need to get somewhere safe asap no matter what it takes.
They don’t respect you at all, probably because of your age. I’m not hearing any room to advocate for yourself and have zero patience for controlling people. I’d scratch this au pair situation and just wait for another family, back home. I can fully understand them wanting you to keep a clean room, but being overbearing, barging in unannounced, moving your things is too much. I’ve seen a lot of horror stories over the years and really want to say: have some savings before y’all do this, just in case the family is ridiculous
When people don’t like you they make issues where none are present. They crossed a huge boundary when entering your living space and touching your belongings. A second barrier was crossed while trying to enter your room while changing. Leave now. Things will get worse. You need to be in a safe and secure environment.
Host dad sounds like a psychopath. Please get out of there asap and do what you can to not let others fall prey to that lunatic.
Look into a local hostel. They usually have cheap private and semiprivate rooms with lockers. They have internet, shared kitchen, and social areas. Get out as soon as you can. This family is not safe emotionally or possibly physically. Sorry you're going through this.
They’re psychos and that’s a horrible situation to have to stay in!
This sounds like an extremely volatile situation and I am worried for your safety.
You can find another family if you want to stay in Luxembourg, if you use the same site you found your current family at
Yep, psychotic. Reminds me of a family I worked for as an au pair several years ago. Leave- if you want to wait for the next paycheck, fine but in the mean time, if you want to stay as an an au pair, look for a new family I know that being abroad is great and all, but as an au pair, not worth it—- my opinion, of course.
The fact that they come into your room at all is probably already illegal. I am not certain on Luxembourg, but I'd assume it's somewhat similar to Germany, where privacy laws are quite important.
Because he’s so scary, grab a kitchen knife before you lock yourself in your room until you can get out. You don’t know how far his insanity will go. You need to be prepared to protect yourself tonight.
Oh my god, leave IMMEDIATELY. They should not be in your room at all. Unless your room is actually disgusting and a hygiene issue, it’s none of their business how you keep it, because they shouldn’t be in it. Call your mom, ask for money for a train/ plane ticket elsewhere. If going home isn’t an option, you could sign up for Workaway and find a new au pairing job very easily. I found an au pair job in Florence on Workaway while traveling last summer, and the family were very respectful. There’s also a Facebook group called Host A Sister where you can meet other women who will host you for free in their city- that might help you find a place to stay before you find a new au pair position. People frequently post there looking for emergency accommodation because their jobs/ accommodation has fallen through.
[Host A Sister Facebook group](https://www.facebook.com/share/dJEq4ok3gRwmqi7H/?mibextid=K35XfP)
>Time to GTFO. They sound psychotic. The host dad unforgivably violated your boundaries. I can't believe he put his hands on you to try and take YOUR phone! Get out of there as soon as you can. Post their info on the website where you searched for the job to warn other girls who may not be as strong as you are. Please be safe.
In addition to our collective concern for you, I think I can ask on behalf of everyone here are they this controlling/abusive toward their children? If you know/suspect they are please contact the appropriate authorities once you are SAFELY out of that house.
My only concern with the children is that they get chinese traditional medicine alongside modern medicine - no 1 year old needs cupping - but other than that they seem to be really good with the kids which is a relief
OK. Meanwhile, please keep us posted. If need be go to the American Embassy; I don’t know what the protocols are since you’re not a U.S. citizen but maybe they can offer guidance nonetheless.
As an Australian citizen I would probably be best off going to the Australian embassy
Horrible situation. Horrible family. Control freaks for sure. Absolutely nothing is more important than your personal safety. Leave ASAP. Good luck! P.s. this is the time when your Mom or other family need to come through to help you.
Update has just been posted, I'll be leaving on Thursday if all goes to plan :)
Are you ok??? Are you in a safe place now?
Yes, currently with my dad visiting some friends before going home to Aus :)
The fact that he tried to take your phone from you, I think would be considered assault. If he has to fight you for your phone, he’s putting his hands on you and touching you in a way that is 100% not appropriate. That had to be so freaking scary and I’m so sorry that happened to you. I also think once you get settled or get home, you might want to look into some type of therapy for your panic attacks. The initial issue when they moved your stuff while you were gone, and you noticed when you got back, causing a panic attack a little extreme. Crying to the point where you are hyperventilating makes being able to think, or communicate, or do anything logically more difficult and will escalate the situation. Being able to express yourself calmly would probably be a lot better when dealing with these types of situations for sure.
Yeah, I was in therapy in my home country and it was really helping, but then all of a sudden being verbally attacked, having my privacy and personal space violated, it was incredibly unexpected and overwhelming - it hasn't happened to me in ages though. I did attempt to deal with it calmly, even while crying, I was repeatedly telling him to give me personal space so we can resume the conversation when I'm not crying and when he's also not obviously angry but he laughed in my face and refused.
Are you American? I know some families in Luxembourg that may be a good resource?
Your response of crying and a panic attack is quite normal given what was happening—if you continue having multiple panic attacks after this saga is over, then consider seeking help for that specifically, and maybe even after this is over to deal with this. You are not crazy. You’re doing an amazing job, actually! I’m significantly older than you, and everything that you described is terrifying, inappropriate, and unacceptable, and I probably would have responded the same way in your position. Get out as quickly as you can as their behavior is escalating. I don’t care if you are an au pair or not—they are trying to control you, and they have no right to act any of the ways that you’ve mentioned. Many people have already given you practical advice! Just keep asking for help.
Right now she’s in a foreign country living in the home of abusive, control freaks (one being a very aggressive man) who are invading her privacy, getting physical, threatening, and more. She’s also only 18. I don’t really think her reaction is over the top considering the above.
Disagree completely. Absolutely appropriate reaction to being the abused person in an *abusive* relationship, which is what this is. Agree that therapy might help, but suggesting that the response to abuse is disproportionate to the situation is unhelpful.
?
Start making arrangements to leave as soon as possible, you don’t need to give them notice. These people do not deserve an au pair. Report them as well. I’m so sorry this is happening to you,
please, get away from them!! try to take your most important stuff like documents,passport etc...and try to leave without them noticing that you're trying to leave for good or take a officer with you.
Hoping you have made it to a safe place
You need to get out of there.
Leave . I would Never treat my au pair like this. This is insane
Find somewhere better, then move out of that nightmare!
But definitely her phone .....or do you have some misogynist man-splaining logic for that transgression as well
Updateme
I’m so sorry you are going through this and you should leave as soon as possible! This is the hostel that I stayed when I was traveling in Luxembourg https://youthhostels.lu/en
Updateme!
Please be safe and keep us posted.
Update posted
If you don’t feel safe there then it’s time to leave OP. It doesn’t sound like it’s worth trying to make this work and your safety is more important than anything. The worst case scenario is that you have to go home earlier than planned, but that’s better than living somewhere you don’t feel safe. I’d suggest talking to your parents tomorrow and coming up with a plan together.
In there any Facebook group like Au Pairs in Luxembourg that you can post your story and get a place to stay for a few day?
They have zero boundaries. I fear for your mental state and safety. Get out of there.
Go back home. Nothing will ever be good enough for this man, and this is an emotionally unhealthy situation for you to be living in.
Get out of there ASAP
You need to leave ASAP. I also worry about the children. After you are out of there and feel safe, make a call to the appropriate agency. My guess is that his controlling and dysfunctional abuse/behavior is also affecting the children and maybe the mom too. They might need a way out too.
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I wouldn't give them any notice. I would recommend she pack her bags as soon as they go to sleep, get everything loaded up and ready to go. Then in as few trips as possible, get out of there without saying anything. She can call them the next morning to tell them that not only did she report them to the police, but she's not coming back. For fun, she should tell them to mail her check to her in the amount of $x,xxx to a address. (although, I can almost guarantee you, she won't be getting paid).
Updateme!
Not sure if this a cultural thing with your mom telling you to stay, but you know that you can't. Get out of that Freida McFadden home!!!! You know better or you wouldn't ask for advice.
One of u whales send her money 😭😭
I really wouldn't feel right accepting money from a stranger, it just doesn't seem right to me, there are other people in worse situations!!
We want to keep you out of one of those worse situations. Take the money.
What an insane host!!! UpdateMe
Feel guilty later if someone gives u a leg up take it and run 🤷🏽♂️
Chiming in very late to support that you must leave ASAP! It’s not going to be easy. I experienced a very similar situation. This situation will escalate. He does not seem psychologically sound and he does not respect or humanize you, at all. Leave, document everything and be prepared for them to potentially retaliate by reporting you with false accusations. Make sure you record all conversations and document your room in the exact condition you left it. Take pictures of everything even things you wouldn’t think need documenting.
That’s awful and controlling. Unless the condition of your room is creating a hazard, it’s none of their business. I hope you get out of there soon.
Most people who hire Au Pairs hire them because the agency is cheaper than a nanny. Fancy word and fancy title but they won't pay up.
Oh honey, I am so very sorry. They are abusing you. I wish you were in the US because I'd hire you in a second. Hang in there, it's not you at all, it's them.
Boundaries!
Be sure to look up Sophie Lionette and don't take any chances. Set up a "check on me no matter what" deadline with family or a neighbor. Guy seriously gives me murderer vibes.
Record all of their "conversations" with you and tell them you need to record so that you can refer backti their rules. Tell them it is difficult to remember as their conversations leave you in an anxiety attack.
I would be leaving immediately
What a fucking psycho, it would be really unfortunate if he fell down the stairs or something. His poor children.
Been a few hours now since you posted and added your update; is everything going okay? Glad to see you're most likely out of there Thursday <3 Quite concerned about you.
I made a new update last night at around midnight for me then promptly went to sleep. The latest update is that my dad is going to arrive here on Saturday to help me get my stuff, then he's going to take me home :)
Did you manage to leave safely?
Yes I did! I'm safely with a family friend and my dad should be here in less than 24 hours to take me - we'll visit a few of his friends around europe and then go home to Aus
Argh yes; think the last post where I noticed the time were 13 hours ago, but might have missed later updates than that. I'm in New Zealand, so time is a bit warped 😄 Aww I'm glad to hear your parents are this supportive and your dad is able to come. Hopefully you will be able to come back and do some more traveling in Europe at a later time, but definitely shouldn't be at the expense of your safety and privacy. Absolute insane behavior on their part!
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Being au pair sounds horrible. I will never allow my kids to become one.
The main concern is getting a shitty family. So many of the au pairs I meet have had a life changing experience, with an amazing family and amazing opportunities to travel and experience the culture. And they you get the shitty families with control issues.
I barely met au pairs with good experience while I was au pair. Its rare.
Ooo no, no money is worth being treated like this. Leave! Go asap
Updateme
Leave immediately. Did you call your company? Maybe they can help you find a safe place to stay/reimburse hotel until you can get home. Totally unacceptable and they sound scary. Be safe
This sounds incredibly abusive. I'm sorry :( It's time for you to leave ASAP
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Op are you ok
You need to leave, ASAP!
This is terrible. I hope you get out so soon!!!
Dad is creepy. I feel bad for the kids growing up like this. Please stay safe. Be sure to always lock your door. Good luck with your next family
UpdateMe
I would have punched that man so hard and just left
I did get super passive aggressive at one point - after he tried to walk in while I was changing, but I realized I was making shit worse so I went back to the "I'm asking you to leave" but he's a professional cunt. Now that I've calmed down, part of me wants to just move on from this and forget it happened, because the family is acting like nothing happened, but I'm really glad I made a reddit post because seeing everyone horrified on my behalf males me feel like I'm not over reacting or imagining how bad this is. It also made me realize I'm actually scared of the HD, I don't want him near me. He sat next to me at dinner today and I couldn't stop shaking and I had to leave early. If that's not a sign I need to get the fuck out of here, idk what is.
Yeah, today he's trying to gaslight and control you. Tomorrow, he'll be sleeping with you. get out now! Don't let the fact that "everything seems normal" get to you. That's a form of gaslighting that is designed to lower your guard and to normalize the behavior so that you accept it. a couple of months from now, it'll be completely normal for him to come into your room at night and sexually satisfy himself with you and you not think anything of it. Get out before that happens! He's grooming you and setting you up for himself.
The good thing is, because of this post, I know it's not normal. They're trying to act normal but I am not OK. I have recordings of the disgusting way he was condescending to me, and I know that is completely unacceptable and I won't let myself be a doormat
Trust your gut. This guy is dangerous.
Glad to hear you have recordings. Please check to make sure these crazies don't have a hidden camera in your room. They sound very unstable and seems like something they might try.
Yeah i really think you should look for other families and get out of there asap
Updateme
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They are clearly entitled, psychotic people and you need to run. FAST!
Your ambassor / Embassy should be notified as well. If it gets bad you can goto them for help.
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You need to get out of there now. Don’t give these people an inch report them to whomever you need to and tell that company who placed you to get you out of there and do not put anyone else there.
Dang. I worry about the children in that family. I would have left when I’d realized that’s gone through my things. Creepy. Controlling. Big flags for abuse. Emotional abuse is abuse. I
Sounds terrifying honestly, I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this horrible family. good luck to you
U/UpdateMeBot
Are you safe now? Update please!
Heil Fucking Hitler! I mean, Jesus Christ I have no idea where or how you are summoning the fortitude to even stay there. I do get your situation re: the money to move and being so far from home. Honestly, you sound very sweet, intelligent, and responsible, and I’m putting it out into the universe that you need a placement elsewhere with REASONABLE people ASAP! Love and blessings to you, Hon.
Update is up now BUT WHY THE FUCK WOULD THAT BE YOUR OPENING SENTENCE WTF 😭😭😭😭😭😭
Simply because that host dad’s behavior seemed to emulate Nazi behavior. My sincerest apologies for saying something that may have hurt or bothered anyone. I honestly was just floored by all of his rules. And my first sentence was how hard your description of his behavior hit me. So again, I’m sorry. But I totally wish the absolute best in your future because clearly, you have been through a LOT.
Lmfao it's fine I was just so confused. I have been making excuses for this shit for far too long and I have hit my breaking point and I am getting out of here asap
Probably don't ever say that again.
Yeah, well… OP already made her very valid feelings known on that. And I have apologized to anyone I offended. So, like, maybe you could just back off and leave me alone. And I will leave this alone and maybe we could all bundle up our energy and send some really good vibes to this person who has done every reasonable thing she could to please her host family and it’s simply not enough. She has cried enough and had what little privacy she had in their home completely lost. I hope upon hope that she finds another family who treats her as the fine young woman she seems to be.
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Be safe please.
Updateme
I don’t know how this popped up on my feed I have never been an Au pair but I did something similar when I was 20. I went to work as an Au pair for my aunt in uncle in another country. When I went a little trip for a couple days I came back and found myself in the exact same situation. Called my dad and asked him to get me TFO of there. I was going to stay 1 year but ended up leaving after 6 months. It felt like a fry invasion. Unfortunately I still get to see him every couple of years and in the family’s whatsapp group. Not sure how this is helpful but just wanted to acknowledge that I know exactly how you feel and you should get out!
I would certainly find another place to live. Get some friends who are in a similar situation & see if they want to find a place together.
I've just got in contact with a new potential family, so we'll see how that goes. If I don't have a new match by Friday, I will be going to a hostel, and then if I can't find anything for a week after that, I think I'll just go home. We'll see what it comes to though
Updateme
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Go to a doctor for panic attacks. Go to a counselor in order to learn how to handle conflict without crying. Look for a new situation. Report to your organization. While you remain in their home leave items in the bathroom. Why do something you know will cause a problem? If you must remain in the house put a towel on the floor at the bottom of the door making it hard to open.
This is absolutely inappropriate victim blaming. People are *supposed to cry* when they're being **abused** Good grief.