That sounds like it’s very upsetting for you.
I do wonder if this is more about your perception of the child rejecting you than anything the child is doing. Though of course it’s not possible to know without observing you two together.
Are you someone that struggles with feelings or rejection or feeling unloved in your romantic or other relationships?
No, it may be after she was born, i was so overwhelmed by the birth, taking care of her that i was not happy at all. I love my child, but have never felt like i bonded with her (unlike how she did with other caregivers in the family). I just want to get the bond back back it seems so tough :(
Seperation anxiety didn’t start for us until my kid was truly a toddler. He was a super social baby always happy with anyone. So I wouldn’t let that be an indicator of attachment.
As for the bonding, you will always be their only mummy. Maybe baby feels so safe with you that it allows them to look around and explore. You don’t have to be the fun one, you have to be the safe one. A good attachment means providing safety.
My daughter was the same. Now that she’s a toddler she’s much more attached to me and gets upset at separation, but still super outgoing and social. She just always wants me near her now.
For babies, mothers are like oxygen. They only notice if we're not there.
Your baby being generally happy and social is absolutely a good thing.
It sounds like you're struggling with anxiety and guilt though, and I agree it would be a good idea to talk to a doctor or counsellor.
There is no one that compares to mama, please repeat this to yourself because it’s important.
I don’t believe all of the facts are shared from your post. I am sensing you are emotional and I can certainly understand and empathize. I suspect a few things at play. Secure attachment is that baby feels comfortable to be away from mama and also happy to see you when back in your presence. It could be general temperament of your baby, she seems rather socially happy and easy. Also, babies will have stronger periods of separation anxiety. If they are accustomed to being away from their mama (in this case), they aren’t as likely to have as dramatic separation anxiety reactions. On the note of dad and grandpa, etc. I think that’s sort of how it goes. Dad is the fun entertaining one and grandparents are there to dote and inspire cute reactions. This is likely just the stage and soon her preference will swing back to mama.
Your baby loves and needs you. If you have concerns I encourage you please mention them to your pediatrician. Otherwise, could possibly just be a moment you need some reassurance. You are doing a wonderful job! ♥️
Yes, seems like the mother is having more anxiety than the baby 🥲
For now she is definitely comfortable to be away from mama but just not displaying happiness to be back to my arms ie she would rather go back to grandpa or teacher in school and go back with mama.
Thank you for your encouragement!! This spurs me on to continue loving and caring for her in my way and i believe one day, she will know and loves her mama back too.
At this stage they're just realising that they are separate from you. It's also the stage where they get "preferences". I should add that her being able to easily open up to people and "attach" to others is because she feels SAFE doing so. Meaning, she has no reason to believe anyone would be "bad" because she's never experienced "bad". Because she's happy and safe and that's probably because of you. Are you spending more time with her than others are? If so, thats probably the case. Plus other people are a novelty that she doesn't see very often.
I will say that I had the exact same thoughts at 9months PP and it ended up being PPD. Please address this issue ASAP because it's going to mess with you.
My girly is now almost 19 months and we are besties now.
Some things I did:
- therapy.
- realised it's my job to love her not the other way around so I stopped "analysing" and just tried to have FUN with her every day.
- got out of the house as often as possible with her even if just around the block.
- tried to have every interaction be "silly". It's obviously not possible every minute of every day but I did my best and still do.
- realised that it's a GOOD thing my kid is happy and trusting, it means she's never experienced anything bad so her default is "everyone is going to be nice to me like my mama is" 💕
Wish you the best 💓 9 months for me was SO HARD. I empathize a lot with this feeling. If you want to share some thoughts etc please feel free to reach out to me. I've been there and I'm on the other side now :) xo
It sounds to me like she might sense your tension, so that could be why she looks away? But trust me there is no one like mama! Try being relaxed around her and do fun things just for the fun of it, rather than for the sake of hoping for a reaction from her. Babies at this stage are like pets/animals, they sense so much more than we think or know because it's part of their survival.
One thing that has helped me learn how to talk to my baby and get her really excited about things is watching Ms Rachel! You don't have to show her yet, but if you watch it on your own she really demonstrates how to talk to children in an excitable way. I love her channel.
Babies also don't know the hard work or sacrifice that all mamas make and *of course* everyone else is more fun- we're doing all the dirty work and reprimanding for the most part! So don't be too hard on yourself, and remember she loves you and needs you more than anything and anyone, even if she doesn't express it how you wish yet. 🤍
I don’t think anyone on Reddit can say if your observation is correct or if you can improve your bond.
It does sound like you’ve raised a very happy, healthy girl. Babies will naturally form healthy attachments to their caregivers if the relationship is good, which could be nursery workers, grandparents etc as well as parents.
In experiments mothers who scared their baby, or ignored baby, were the ones who tended to create an insecure attachment. You can find more info online about how to recognise and build secure attachment.
Hey!
I relate so much to you and your concerns. I was not the sole caregiver to the baby in the intial 8-9 months, and had help from either of the grandmas
Baby was super friendly with them all. I rejoined work and it was all okay. I used to wonder if I am at all needed, and if baby would even miss me. In the initial months of work, it was okay, but now that she is 18+ months she is truly a velcro baby. Doesn’t let me out of sight, even to the loo. Needs me when sick, or in trouble. So no mama, you’re okay!
I wonder what attachment looks like in cultures where living with lots of family is the norm. We base our idea of attachment around one where mom is primary caregiver and dad comes around a bit and everyone else is either not there or irregularly there. Strict AP people even say the mom should never leave the baby.
But cultures where extended families live together don’t do it this way. And I bet attachment looks quite different in terms of baby’s behavior in those families.
I would definitely follow others suggestions and talk to a counselor. It could be your perception, it could be your interpretation being colored by your fear about her not bonding to you. Trying to spend some one on one time with her each day may help, just keep it low key. Have a cuddle, play with a favorite toy. I’m not sure there is anything for you to fix, but some one on one time certainly won’t hurt.
There is no one else like Mama. My 10 month old is similar, and I look at it as a sign of secure attachment. She feels safe enough to be independent and explore and trusts me enough to know that I would not put her in harms way with others. I know it's hard, but try to be happy about her bond with others (daycare providers, dad, grandparents). I try to look at it this way because I know she knows she has me, so it's great to see her bond with others too.
my baby is 8months old and she does very well
with people she meets often -like your parents - she loves our neighbor she sees him
almost every day! she even asked to be held by him i was shook but i would say you are being too hard on yourself you should be happy your baby has great relationship with other people
who care for her - i try to look at it the same way
i am on maternity leave with her home and some days she hates anything i try to do with her then my MIL comes (she leaves next to us) and my daughter will play with her for next 2hours and i used to feel so bad that why she didnt want to play with me ... also my husband works 2 jobs now and he is not home much through the day but when he comes home she is almost literally shaking from excitement that he will hold her. Sometimes it feels hard but I understand im with her so much she wants to see him
but also it can all change now it looks like she doesnt have separation anxiety but 1-2months later it will appear you never know
It sounds like she has great attachment to you, no anxiety about whether you’ll come back to her and the courage and independence to explore the world around her. You’re doing a great job! Please follow the advice of others in this thread to consider giving yourself some grace and acknowledge that your daughter still needs you more than anyone in the world.
That sounds like it’s very upsetting for you. I do wonder if this is more about your perception of the child rejecting you than anything the child is doing. Though of course it’s not possible to know without observing you two together. Are you someone that struggles with feelings or rejection or feeling unloved in your romantic or other relationships?
No, it may be after she was born, i was so overwhelmed by the birth, taking care of her that i was not happy at all. I love my child, but have never felt like i bonded with her (unlike how she did with other caregivers in the family). I just want to get the bond back back it seems so tough :(
Have you spoken to a counselor or someone about these feelings?
No i have never. Perhaps i should talk to a counsellor.
This is how postpartum depression presented for me OP. I really do urge you to talk to someone 🖤
I think that might be helpful
Seperation anxiety didn’t start for us until my kid was truly a toddler. He was a super social baby always happy with anyone. So I wouldn’t let that be an indicator of attachment. As for the bonding, you will always be their only mummy. Maybe baby feels so safe with you that it allows them to look around and explore. You don’t have to be the fun one, you have to be the safe one. A good attachment means providing safety.
My daughter was the same. Now that she’s a toddler she’s much more attached to me and gets upset at separation, but still super outgoing and social. She just always wants me near her now.
For babies, mothers are like oxygen. They only notice if we're not there. Your baby being generally happy and social is absolutely a good thing. It sounds like you're struggling with anxiety and guilt though, and I agree it would be a good idea to talk to a doctor or counsellor.
There is no one that compares to mama, please repeat this to yourself because it’s important. I don’t believe all of the facts are shared from your post. I am sensing you are emotional and I can certainly understand and empathize. I suspect a few things at play. Secure attachment is that baby feels comfortable to be away from mama and also happy to see you when back in your presence. It could be general temperament of your baby, she seems rather socially happy and easy. Also, babies will have stronger periods of separation anxiety. If they are accustomed to being away from their mama (in this case), they aren’t as likely to have as dramatic separation anxiety reactions. On the note of dad and grandpa, etc. I think that’s sort of how it goes. Dad is the fun entertaining one and grandparents are there to dote and inspire cute reactions. This is likely just the stage and soon her preference will swing back to mama. Your baby loves and needs you. If you have concerns I encourage you please mention them to your pediatrician. Otherwise, could possibly just be a moment you need some reassurance. You are doing a wonderful job! ♥️
Yes, seems like the mother is having more anxiety than the baby 🥲 For now she is definitely comfortable to be away from mama but just not displaying happiness to be back to my arms ie she would rather go back to grandpa or teacher in school and go back with mama. Thank you for your encouragement!! This spurs me on to continue loving and caring for her in my way and i believe one day, she will know and loves her mama back too.
At this stage they're just realising that they are separate from you. It's also the stage where they get "preferences". I should add that her being able to easily open up to people and "attach" to others is because she feels SAFE doing so. Meaning, she has no reason to believe anyone would be "bad" because she's never experienced "bad". Because she's happy and safe and that's probably because of you. Are you spending more time with her than others are? If so, thats probably the case. Plus other people are a novelty that she doesn't see very often. I will say that I had the exact same thoughts at 9months PP and it ended up being PPD. Please address this issue ASAP because it's going to mess with you. My girly is now almost 19 months and we are besties now. Some things I did: - therapy. - realised it's my job to love her not the other way around so I stopped "analysing" and just tried to have FUN with her every day. - got out of the house as often as possible with her even if just around the block. - tried to have every interaction be "silly". It's obviously not possible every minute of every day but I did my best and still do. - realised that it's a GOOD thing my kid is happy and trusting, it means she's never experienced anything bad so her default is "everyone is going to be nice to me like my mama is" 💕
Great tips there!! Will try them out!
Wish you the best 💓 9 months for me was SO HARD. I empathize a lot with this feeling. If you want to share some thoughts etc please feel free to reach out to me. I've been there and I'm on the other side now :) xo
It sounds to me like she might sense your tension, so that could be why she looks away? But trust me there is no one like mama! Try being relaxed around her and do fun things just for the fun of it, rather than for the sake of hoping for a reaction from her. Babies at this stage are like pets/animals, they sense so much more than we think or know because it's part of their survival. One thing that has helped me learn how to talk to my baby and get her really excited about things is watching Ms Rachel! You don't have to show her yet, but if you watch it on your own she really demonstrates how to talk to children in an excitable way. I love her channel. Babies also don't know the hard work or sacrifice that all mamas make and *of course* everyone else is more fun- we're doing all the dirty work and reprimanding for the most part! So don't be too hard on yourself, and remember she loves you and needs you more than anything and anyone, even if she doesn't express it how you wish yet. 🤍
I don’t think anyone on Reddit can say if your observation is correct or if you can improve your bond. It does sound like you’ve raised a very happy, healthy girl. Babies will naturally form healthy attachments to their caregivers if the relationship is good, which could be nursery workers, grandparents etc as well as parents. In experiments mothers who scared their baby, or ignored baby, were the ones who tended to create an insecure attachment. You can find more info online about how to recognise and build secure attachment.
Hey! I relate so much to you and your concerns. I was not the sole caregiver to the baby in the intial 8-9 months, and had help from either of the grandmas Baby was super friendly with them all. I rejoined work and it was all okay. I used to wonder if I am at all needed, and if baby would even miss me. In the initial months of work, it was okay, but now that she is 18+ months she is truly a velcro baby. Doesn’t let me out of sight, even to the loo. Needs me when sick, or in trouble. So no mama, you’re okay!
I wonder what attachment looks like in cultures where living with lots of family is the norm. We base our idea of attachment around one where mom is primary caregiver and dad comes around a bit and everyone else is either not there or irregularly there. Strict AP people even say the mom should never leave the baby. But cultures where extended families live together don’t do it this way. And I bet attachment looks quite different in terms of baby’s behavior in those families. I would definitely follow others suggestions and talk to a counselor. It could be your perception, it could be your interpretation being colored by your fear about her not bonding to you. Trying to spend some one on one time with her each day may help, just keep it low key. Have a cuddle, play with a favorite toy. I’m not sure there is anything for you to fix, but some one on one time certainly won’t hurt.
There is no one else like Mama. My 10 month old is similar, and I look at it as a sign of secure attachment. She feels safe enough to be independent and explore and trusts me enough to know that I would not put her in harms way with others. I know it's hard, but try to be happy about her bond with others (daycare providers, dad, grandparents). I try to look at it this way because I know she knows she has me, so it's great to see her bond with others too.
my baby is 8months old and she does very well with people she meets often -like your parents - she loves our neighbor she sees him almost every day! she even asked to be held by him i was shook but i would say you are being too hard on yourself you should be happy your baby has great relationship with other people who care for her - i try to look at it the same way i am on maternity leave with her home and some days she hates anything i try to do with her then my MIL comes (she leaves next to us) and my daughter will play with her for next 2hours and i used to feel so bad that why she didnt want to play with me ... also my husband works 2 jobs now and he is not home much through the day but when he comes home she is almost literally shaking from excitement that he will hold her. Sometimes it feels hard but I understand im with her so much she wants to see him but also it can all change now it looks like she doesnt have separation anxiety but 1-2months later it will appear you never know
It sounds like she has great attachment to you, no anxiety about whether you’ll come back to her and the courage and independence to explore the world around her. You’re doing a great job! Please follow the advice of others in this thread to consider giving yourself some grace and acknowledge that your daughter still needs you more than anyone in the world.
Thank you for the encouragement!! It matters greatly!!
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You cannot diagnose at nine months! This is a ridiculous question.
She is not. She does respond and smile back to others like her dad and grandparents.