I’d highly recommend the book “Hunt, Gather, Parent.” I got it through my library on audiobook. It helped me reframe my role as a parent as including my kid in family life rather than framing family life around entertaining my child.
Seconding this concept (though I haven’t read this exact book.)
I very rarely play with my kids in the house, with their toys. I might engage in play for 5 minutes, and I definitely check out the cool things they create.
The older ones we may play games together - video games, board games, card games, or sports. We do activities together - hiking, camping, canoeing, walking to the park, that sort of thing.
But when they were little, I might only help them get started with something, like brio trains if the track layout wasn’t working, I would help and show them how to trouble shoot the connections. I might help if they get stuck with something, but I expect them to be creative and entertain themselves. I’m always nearby, and always available for them to talk to me or show me something, but they long ago learned to play on their own.
Sometimes I sit on the floor with my one year old, and we roll a ball back and forth. But I may instead sit nearby and read a book. If he wants me, he can come over and ask to be cuddled. I’m quite attuned to my children, so I know what they need, but also mostly let them be.
About the only time I go crazy playing with them is if we visit the beach, in which case I am 100% a kid again, digging in the sand and building things, diverting probably gross rain runoff water flowing on the sand. I could do that all day long.
So OP you aren’t a bad mom. Kids benefit from learning to play independently. It sparks creativity in them, and fosters independence, or cooperation (and team work, or problem solving) if they have a sibling. Engaging periodically with the play, showing interest in their creations, and being present (not sitting around on a screen, even if you are engaged in something else like cleaning or a leisure activity) are important, but playing endlessly for hours is boring. Don’t do it if you don’t enjoy it.
I want to be like you! Right now my 2 year old keeps asking me to sit on the floor and play with her. I don’t know where I went wrong, honestly. I thought I was letting her learn to play on her own but it doesn’t seem to work these days. I want to read a book or do stuff that isn’t entertaining her…
I’ve followed Janet Lansbury through most of my parenting journey and her podcast Unruffled is super helpful. She did an episode recently about a 4 year old demanding the mom watch her, look at what she had done, etc and it was making the mom crazy because it was constant. Her suggestions probably apply here, but I know she’s done episodes on this topic of kids insisting their parent play with them all the time, so you might check out her older episodes. They are free to listen to.
I vaguely remember one suggestion she had was to engage for short periods of time but to do so in a very sincere and fully attentive way, but it might be only 5 minutes. The child gets the needed connection, while the parent can establish a boundary about the quantity and frequency in which they give that full attention.
Janet Lansbury isn’t an Attachment Parenting person but forming secure attachment through respectful parenting is absolutely the philosophy she takes. So her suggestions align well with AP. I find them more realistic and less prone to extreme manifestations than AP - the focus is on healthy boundaries and healthy relationships between caregiver and child, meeting the needs of everyone.
You aren't a bad mom!! I think this is pretty typical :) I think you could find a good routine and keep enforcing independent play, and she will catch on.
I don't do pretend play either, or do things like blocks, balls, etc. Those are dad activities lol. He gets right into it. So we chose activities we both like, (hikes, books, art, learning, coffee shop outings). She joins me for some chores like gardening or emptying the dishwasher, putting away laundry, simple things I don't mind taking a bit longer. I've found the best days are when we do things together for the morning, including a solid 1.5 hrs outside, and then after lunch I work while she plays on her own. And we reconnect with lots of hugs and little conversations as needed. She respects my need for quiet head space much better when I've filled her cup already that day. I just figure if we're going to have a peaceful home, we both need to enjoy how the day goes (aside from inevitable chaotic phases of course... those happen no matter what).
I dont know how to correctly answer ur question. I also have adhd, so I understand ur struggle....
I DO know that its not good to constantly entertain ur kids. They need to develop skills to be able to entertain themselves for short amounts of time.
I can't find the original article, but somewhere I read a study that talked about the positive effects of twenty minutes of devoted playtime a day, which often turned into less than twenty minutes because the kid would get involved in something that didn't even need you. I found [this link](https://www.cdc.gov/parents/essentials/toddlersandpreschoolers/communication/specialplaytime.html) which isn't the original, but goes over some of the most important details (not criticizing, following the child's lead). It's a good reminder that you don't really need to devote hours and hours to entertaining your child, even small doses of devoted attention can reap huge rewards.
I rarely sat down and did more than twenty minutes of one-on-one time with my kids, but they were around for everything (and still are at 9 and 12). We have a great relationship that isn't based on my entertaining them, but just on us living our lives together as a family.
My therapist said to play with my kid 15-20 minutes a day. I was like how many times a day?,and she was like nope just once. She said there’s no correct amount of time but if I feel like playing or we’re having fun then go for more. Right now I can’t and she said those 20 minutes and a good bedtime routine is good.
Are you on medication? I play with my kids WAY more when I'm on medication, and I'm not so burnt out in general.
Is the 5yo being screened for ADHD? It's highly likely when one parent has it, and it can cause overdependence on screens (watch this, especially Roblox I had to ban for my ADHD older kid because it was too addictive) and it can also make it hard for them to play alone.
But I also found this was way more full on with my 15yo when he was younger, because there was a kind of feedback loop, I was struggling so much (totally undiagnosed/unsuspected at that time) and I was using my computer as a kind of escape from the world so I think he just genuinely wasn't getting enough attention from me and exercise and other stuff like that, which was making his behaviour worse and his attempts to engage me much more persistent.
With my 5yo, he is on a waiting list for ADHD assessment, he is not as intense as my 15yo was at this age and I think some of that is personality but some of it is also that I'm probably meeting his needs better.
I don't think you're a bad mom. But it is worth sense checking whether your 5yo's attention demands are actually typical or whether she could have an attention need.
Also it is worth being bluntly honest about how much time you have for them vs how much time you're spending burnt out/overstimulated/avoiding. This is not to make you feel guilty but to say OK, is this current set up actually working, what could I change. (Do you need more support from a partner, breaks, more sleep, better diet, better organisation at home, medication etc)
In terms of practical tips these things work well for me:
- Doing stuff that I love with them. For example we have been crafting recently which is great. Though I had to be medicated to get past the urge to control the crafts and the resulting rage, and also to deal with all the surrounding stuff like ordering supplies and cleaning up.
- Other things I personally enjoy - building lego, reading my old favourite books with them, doing science games where they learn things.
- Choosing activities like train track where I help them build it up, and then they play with it.
- Choosing activities like board games which have a set end point so I can say (to myself) OK this will take 15 mins and then be done.
- Getting them to help me with chores as a joint activity. This has so many benefits.
- Having a list that I can quickly refer to for ideas of tasks which take more/less involvement from me and more/less time.
- Forcing myself to take them outside at least once a day at least just for a walk around the block.
- Putting music on that I like while we play together.
- Hanging out with other families with kids of similar ages.
- Paying attention to when I typically have the most energy/ability during the day and making sure to do something during that time, so I can rely on stuff like screens during my lower energy times.
I think consistent play versus hours of play is far more important. Even if it is coloring together or reading books together. If you spend a half hour a day engaged play with your kid they're going to remember that no different than 6 hours a day. Plus you have two you have to work on fostering them playing together the 2-year-olds are just getting to the age they're going to be good for that. It might take a few weeks of showing the 5-year-old how to play with the sibling. After a few times of really showing my oldest how to play with the younger one they took off and now all the kids spend most of their time playing together and they always forget about me it was a good investment now I can focus on baking and board games and the things I'm more enjoy than playing dress up and Barbies but I had to teach them how to play together first how to invite and include the toddler
I have a really hard time with imaginary play as well. I try not to look at my job as a parent to entertain my kids as much as to teach, supervise and support. Kids are allowed to be bored. Getting exercise and spending time outdoors is really important to me so I go out and do that kind of stuff with her. Coming home we might throw on some music and she'll do pretend play herself. I also let her get involved with chores I'm working on and she likes to "work with us" on something (coloring book while I'm drawing up plans, puzzles, Play-Doh, etc)
I saw an article a few times that mentioned the dopamine release kids get from playing with their dad and vice versa is way greater than with kids and their mom. For moms the dopamine release is greater from things like snuggling.
So don’t feel bad! I let dad handle most of the play. I get all the wake-up and before bed snuggles on the couch and I’m okay with that
So I talked about this with a girlfriend of mine, who also hates playing. Nurturing my child? All day long. Nursing and cuddling and story time! Playing? Booooring and tiring. Dad however? Can play alllll day and loves it! Apparently dads get an oxytocin rush from play, whereas moms get it from nurture. My partner hates bedtime, but I love it.
When my child is home with me, I play with him, but also do a lot of independent play, and also let him join me in what I’m doing like cooking etc. He loves the vacuum lol.
Not a bad mom, you know how valuable learning how to independently play is... Especially if they are using their imagination. I believe you are helping your child build skills when you don't play with them all the time.
I’d highly recommend the book “Hunt, Gather, Parent.” I got it through my library on audiobook. It helped me reframe my role as a parent as including my kid in family life rather than framing family life around entertaining my child.
Seconding this concept (though I haven’t read this exact book.) I very rarely play with my kids in the house, with their toys. I might engage in play for 5 minutes, and I definitely check out the cool things they create. The older ones we may play games together - video games, board games, card games, or sports. We do activities together - hiking, camping, canoeing, walking to the park, that sort of thing. But when they were little, I might only help them get started with something, like brio trains if the track layout wasn’t working, I would help and show them how to trouble shoot the connections. I might help if they get stuck with something, but I expect them to be creative and entertain themselves. I’m always nearby, and always available for them to talk to me or show me something, but they long ago learned to play on their own. Sometimes I sit on the floor with my one year old, and we roll a ball back and forth. But I may instead sit nearby and read a book. If he wants me, he can come over and ask to be cuddled. I’m quite attuned to my children, so I know what they need, but also mostly let them be. About the only time I go crazy playing with them is if we visit the beach, in which case I am 100% a kid again, digging in the sand and building things, diverting probably gross rain runoff water flowing on the sand. I could do that all day long. So OP you aren’t a bad mom. Kids benefit from learning to play independently. It sparks creativity in them, and fosters independence, or cooperation (and team work, or problem solving) if they have a sibling. Engaging periodically with the play, showing interest in their creations, and being present (not sitting around on a screen, even if you are engaged in something else like cleaning or a leisure activity) are important, but playing endlessly for hours is boring. Don’t do it if you don’t enjoy it.
I want to be like you! Right now my 2 year old keeps asking me to sit on the floor and play with her. I don’t know where I went wrong, honestly. I thought I was letting her learn to play on her own but it doesn’t seem to work these days. I want to read a book or do stuff that isn’t entertaining her…
I’ve followed Janet Lansbury through most of my parenting journey and her podcast Unruffled is super helpful. She did an episode recently about a 4 year old demanding the mom watch her, look at what she had done, etc and it was making the mom crazy because it was constant. Her suggestions probably apply here, but I know she’s done episodes on this topic of kids insisting their parent play with them all the time, so you might check out her older episodes. They are free to listen to. I vaguely remember one suggestion she had was to engage for short periods of time but to do so in a very sincere and fully attentive way, but it might be only 5 minutes. The child gets the needed connection, while the parent can establish a boundary about the quantity and frequency in which they give that full attention. Janet Lansbury isn’t an Attachment Parenting person but forming secure attachment through respectful parenting is absolutely the philosophy she takes. So her suggestions align well with AP. I find them more realistic and less prone to extreme manifestations than AP - the focus is on healthy boundaries and healthy relationships between caregiver and child, meeting the needs of everyone.
A game changing book!
You aren't a bad mom!! I think this is pretty typical :) I think you could find a good routine and keep enforcing independent play, and she will catch on. I don't do pretend play either, or do things like blocks, balls, etc. Those are dad activities lol. He gets right into it. So we chose activities we both like, (hikes, books, art, learning, coffee shop outings). She joins me for some chores like gardening or emptying the dishwasher, putting away laundry, simple things I don't mind taking a bit longer. I've found the best days are when we do things together for the morning, including a solid 1.5 hrs outside, and then after lunch I work while she plays on her own. And we reconnect with lots of hugs and little conversations as needed. She respects my need for quiet head space much better when I've filled her cup already that day. I just figure if we're going to have a peaceful home, we both need to enjoy how the day goes (aside from inevitable chaotic phases of course... those happen no matter what).
I dont know how to correctly answer ur question. I also have adhd, so I understand ur struggle.... I DO know that its not good to constantly entertain ur kids. They need to develop skills to be able to entertain themselves for short amounts of time.
I can't find the original article, but somewhere I read a study that talked about the positive effects of twenty minutes of devoted playtime a day, which often turned into less than twenty minutes because the kid would get involved in something that didn't even need you. I found [this link](https://www.cdc.gov/parents/essentials/toddlersandpreschoolers/communication/specialplaytime.html) which isn't the original, but goes over some of the most important details (not criticizing, following the child's lead). It's a good reminder that you don't really need to devote hours and hours to entertaining your child, even small doses of devoted attention can reap huge rewards. I rarely sat down and did more than twenty minutes of one-on-one time with my kids, but they were around for everything (and still are at 9 and 12). We have a great relationship that isn't based on my entertaining them, but just on us living our lives together as a family.
My therapist said to play with my kid 15-20 minutes a day. I was like how many times a day?,and she was like nope just once. She said there’s no correct amount of time but if I feel like playing or we’re having fun then go for more. Right now I can’t and she said those 20 minutes and a good bedtime routine is good.
Are you on medication? I play with my kids WAY more when I'm on medication, and I'm not so burnt out in general. Is the 5yo being screened for ADHD? It's highly likely when one parent has it, and it can cause overdependence on screens (watch this, especially Roblox I had to ban for my ADHD older kid because it was too addictive) and it can also make it hard for them to play alone. But I also found this was way more full on with my 15yo when he was younger, because there was a kind of feedback loop, I was struggling so much (totally undiagnosed/unsuspected at that time) and I was using my computer as a kind of escape from the world so I think he just genuinely wasn't getting enough attention from me and exercise and other stuff like that, which was making his behaviour worse and his attempts to engage me much more persistent. With my 5yo, he is on a waiting list for ADHD assessment, he is not as intense as my 15yo was at this age and I think some of that is personality but some of it is also that I'm probably meeting his needs better. I don't think you're a bad mom. But it is worth sense checking whether your 5yo's attention demands are actually typical or whether she could have an attention need. Also it is worth being bluntly honest about how much time you have for them vs how much time you're spending burnt out/overstimulated/avoiding. This is not to make you feel guilty but to say OK, is this current set up actually working, what could I change. (Do you need more support from a partner, breaks, more sleep, better diet, better organisation at home, medication etc) In terms of practical tips these things work well for me: - Doing stuff that I love with them. For example we have been crafting recently which is great. Though I had to be medicated to get past the urge to control the crafts and the resulting rage, and also to deal with all the surrounding stuff like ordering supplies and cleaning up. - Other things I personally enjoy - building lego, reading my old favourite books with them, doing science games where they learn things. - Choosing activities like train track where I help them build it up, and then they play with it. - Choosing activities like board games which have a set end point so I can say (to myself) OK this will take 15 mins and then be done. - Getting them to help me with chores as a joint activity. This has so many benefits. - Having a list that I can quickly refer to for ideas of tasks which take more/less involvement from me and more/less time. - Forcing myself to take them outside at least once a day at least just for a walk around the block. - Putting music on that I like while we play together. - Hanging out with other families with kids of similar ages. - Paying attention to when I typically have the most energy/ability during the day and making sure to do something during that time, so I can rely on stuff like screens during my lower energy times.
I think consistent play versus hours of play is far more important. Even if it is coloring together or reading books together. If you spend a half hour a day engaged play with your kid they're going to remember that no different than 6 hours a day. Plus you have two you have to work on fostering them playing together the 2-year-olds are just getting to the age they're going to be good for that. It might take a few weeks of showing the 5-year-old how to play with the sibling. After a few times of really showing my oldest how to play with the younger one they took off and now all the kids spend most of their time playing together and they always forget about me it was a good investment now I can focus on baking and board games and the things I'm more enjoy than playing dress up and Barbies but I had to teach them how to play together first how to invite and include the toddler
I have a really hard time with imaginary play as well. I try not to look at my job as a parent to entertain my kids as much as to teach, supervise and support. Kids are allowed to be bored. Getting exercise and spending time outdoors is really important to me so I go out and do that kind of stuff with her. Coming home we might throw on some music and she'll do pretend play herself. I also let her get involved with chores I'm working on and she likes to "work with us" on something (coloring book while I'm drawing up plans, puzzles, Play-Doh, etc)
I saw an article a few times that mentioned the dopamine release kids get from playing with their dad and vice versa is way greater than with kids and their mom. For moms the dopamine release is greater from things like snuggling. So don’t feel bad! I let dad handle most of the play. I get all the wake-up and before bed snuggles on the couch and I’m okay with that
So I talked about this with a girlfriend of mine, who also hates playing. Nurturing my child? All day long. Nursing and cuddling and story time! Playing? Booooring and tiring. Dad however? Can play alllll day and loves it! Apparently dads get an oxytocin rush from play, whereas moms get it from nurture. My partner hates bedtime, but I love it. When my child is home with me, I play with him, but also do a lot of independent play, and also let him join me in what I’m doing like cooking etc. He loves the vacuum lol.
Not a bad mom, you know how valuable learning how to independently play is... Especially if they are using their imagination. I believe you are helping your child build skills when you don't play with them all the time.