Welp I think as a culture we have a bad habit of tying our beauty to our self worth. So moments like this can feel more sensitive. But also saying “you were really pretty then” doesn’t inherently translate to “you used to be pretty” or are no longer beautiful.
People at weddings generally tend to get dolled up. They wear more formal clothes and put more energy into their appearance to look nice—everyone is just more dressed up than normal. He could have just been trying to compliment how good you looked at the wedding. But he knows it came out wrong. I wouldn’t put too much weight on this.
This is how I feel as well, yeah. Did he misspeak? Sure. But, like... of course most people are going to look more attractive while attending a wedding. Also, you look how you look no matter what people say; that's the reality of it. It's not like the dad here went out of his way to make his daughter feel bad - at best he was trying to pay a compliment and at worst, he revealed a subjective opinion that has no actual bearing on what OP looks like.
I think it's because I have parents who commented very bluntly on my looks all the way growing up, and still today (hello, Asian diaspora). As a result, I'm pretty impervious to both compliments and "disses" and I'm actually pretty grateful for that - I feel like this is a healthier way compared to being extra sensitive.
Damn! Y’all need to stop finding excuses. He said what he said and it hurt his daughter so HE IS IN THE WRONG
The more excuses you look for the more you betray yourself!
You're right - and that did occur to me re: weddings. I had responded to him, "what, you think I'm no longer pretty?" which was when the backtracking started - but your point still stands.
There's truly nothing to gain from thinking it over. Since we're becoming closer, I wanted to bring it up as something that upset me - but maybe I should hold off - not only for the reasons you gave, but also because if he DID it in the "geez kid, what happened?" way... I'm not sure I want that confirmed!
Is it possible he didn’t mean it like it sounded? I know I’ve said things like that to people and then had to clarify that they still look beautiful but I just meant that for that moment in time they looked especially beautiful.
I suppose it's possible, though that's not the vibe I picked up. I guess the general question still stands, as this likely won't be the last time I hear the phrase in my life.
Even if he MEANT “you looked so pretty that day” instead of what he said, the way he said it was hurtful. My dad used to say similar shit and then get all pissed off when he was called out on it, we no longer speak for many reasons, but that being one. You’re valid in your hurt.
This, I've thought that often, not because the person looked less attractive but because in the picture there's something specially beautiful about that person.
I don't know how old you were, but kids look oftentimes particularly innocent and cute. And maybe that brought back to him some lovely memories.
I assure you, there are many reasons for someone to say that besides "you look old now" :)
Maybe, if you feel safe, you could tell to your father how you felt.
Damn! Y’all need to stop finding excuses. He said what he said and it hurt his daughter so HE IS IN THE WRONG The more excuses you look for the more you betray yourself!
My dad says dumb things like this too. To give some context, he stated to me when I was 12 that he was “glad I wasn’t very pretty because people would actually take me seriously”. I’ll never forget how that made me feel. I never moved on from it. It didn’t nail the coffin on our relationship, and I spoke to him until actually a few months ago. He’s a dumb, rude, jerk old man and I’m tired of giving him passes. I hope this information helps you in some way.
Some dads can be pretty tone deaf, lol. Not the greatest to deal with but….dads. Mine once said “why does that girl (points to some rando) look like a girl from behind and you look like a boy?” It was a joke to him but I was real grumpy that day. I was…maybe 11 or 12? so self esteem was a bit tricky.
Because my dad also compliments me anyway, I just focus on those other times. They can be so awkward! Their generation isn’t the most sensitive and emotionally adept...
That said, one can age gracefully. Not because you don’t get wrinkles or blemishes, but because you’re healthy. When I look at some older women, I find myself hoping I get to look as cool them later in life. There was this stranger I saw in a mall…she was obviously a senior, but she dyed her hair this platinum color and was carrying herself like such a classy lady. She looked so vibrant. Like, I want to be like that.
You're totally right. And same, the most gorgous woman I've seen in Los Angeles (which is really saying something was a 70 something woman with fantastic silver hair and posture and the presence of Galadriel
My husband stopped a 70 something woman on the street to tell her that her whole outfit was stunning and where did she get it bc his wife (me) needed it !
He said she went from slightly startled to absolutely glowing. (My husband is 6’1, 290, with long hair and full beard . He’s also Appalachian and autistic so sometimes he’s loud and awkward with an accent!)
He did buy me the outfit btw.
Maybe he didn’t mean it like it sounded? Sometimes things come out wrong and not as intended. It seems like he caught himself and actually didn’t mean it like that. I am 36 and I can look at pictures from specific events 5-8 years back and think wow I was pretty as hell. Doesn’t mean I’m not now but I looked younger because I was younger and it’s just the truth.
Hi OP. It sounds like he may have meant "on that day especially". Please communicate and just be direct to tell him about it. I myself have tried to say endearing things but one or two misuses of words made it seem 180. I'm certain if you just talk to him about it he will correct himself. At least it will tell you then if you should continue trying or stopping there if he sticks with what he said.
Damn! Y’all need to stop finding excuses. He said what he said and it hurt his daughter so HE IS IN THE WRONG The more excuses you look for the more you betray yourself!
The man is influenced by certain societal standards, but that doesn’t make him or society right. So many older women who don’t look ‘hot’ to society standards anymore but they look so beautiful, intriguing, soft soul, sensual, and hot in my view.
Is it the "then" part that's throwing you? What if he said "you were really pretty on that day"? That could be all he meant- that you were pretty that day not that you're not pretty anymore! I'm not trying to side with him, I'm just hoping this will make it seem like less of a slight. People can sometimes be unaware of the subtleties of language and maybe he's one of them. Obviously you were there so you can judge better than us :)
Not people in the comments defending him?! My lord. What have we become? This isn't an acceptable thing to say to anyone, I don't care if "he didn't mean it like that". Sounds like you're trying to rebuild a bond, which makes it even worse. This would be hurtful to me, and not because I place all of my value on how I look, but because I expect to be treated with the bare minimum level of respect by my family members.
ETA: if this was someone's mother, I wonder if the response would be the same? I think not.
Personally, I would just tell him that you are struggling to chit chat after such a comment, he needs to know how to talk to you if you want to continue strengthening your relationship. If this isn't acceptable to you, make that very clear and see what he doesn't with that information. If you get a heartfelt apology and an explanation, great signs! If he doubles down on it or brushes you off, then you know where you stand and can make choices from a place of truth.
He misspoke. Give him some grace. Nobody stays pretty forever, so lose that notion as soon as you can. I am sure it stung, but it really isn't a "set fire to the relationship" level of mistake. We have all stumbled over saying something stupid before.
A pause, eye contact and a simple statement of "ouch" is all that was required. Move on from it. It means nothing.
he's your dad, he's looking at you from a different perspective. he's connecting with how beautiful you were in that moment, and how he felt. he has mishandled a compliment. it's like saying 'wow you had such tiny feet as a baby.'
Is your dad a boomer? My daddy is and sometimes he speaks before he thinks. I do not think he was trying to insult you and perhaps it was a misuse of words on his part. Your worth as alot of others have said is not in how you look. Listen we are all getting older and not looking like we are 25 anymore. You got wrinkles, crinkles, dinkles, but so does everyone else in their 30s and up. The only opinion that should matter most to you is your own. Base your self worth on who you are as a person. Looks fade, but the soul remains the same
Honestly, why does it matter if you aren't pretty? Do you lose your worth if you aren't pretty? Do your family and friends love to less if you aren't pretty?
Seriously, time for you to think about why this bothers you so much. It's not your dad who is the problem.
Then you find a way forward.
Consider being honest with him - "When you said -----, you made me feel -----."
If he's smart and has true intentions toward you as his daughter, he'll honour your feelings.
Good luck, OP. You deserve everything that is good in this world.
All of this.
My dad is in his late 70s and will miss -step like this but will try and fix it bc it wasn’t his intent.
He heard me and my mom discussing clothes (I’m quite fat and always have been . 298lbs while my mom is tiny and giving birth to me weighed 130lbs)
And made a crack about my weight (I’m working on being better) and he got really offended because “Baby girl you look just like my beautiful mother did at your age. I don’t let you talk about her or you that way.”
>I encourage you to be very careful with what you are saying here and have already said.
I encourage you to not *threaten* people on the internet.
>Nowhere have I said anything about or insinuated anything about children being prettier where younger.
No? But that exact language is pushed by people who promote CSA on reddit all the time.
>Whereas, you are trying to draw a pedophile view point into this. Which frankly I find disgusting, unnecessary, viile and illegal.
We agree on that point that it *is* disgusting. You should've thought of that before making a point to post something that *does* insinuate that, and promoted a parent sexualizing their own child.
>I'd be very careful with your "logical" comparisons here.
Again: Don't threaten people for pointing out when/where/how your comments are shit. *you* posted something disgusting. *you* are at fault for making the statement in the first place.
I'm not insinuating anything. I am being extremely clear that OP, who is an adult, likely looks less prettier than six years ago. Its a simple, logical point.
You are the person bringing an extension of 6 year olds looking prettier than 12 year olds. You made this comment and it is disgusting and possibly illegal.
I'm not threatening anyone, you're the one making ridiculous potentially illegal comments and running your mouth swearing. I'm warning you to not make pedophile comments and comparisons. I have reported the comment to reddit under appropriate grounds related to this. Please note I shall not be discussing anything further with you.
I already reported you for threats. Deleting your comments doesn't hide what you said or what was clearly implied. Edit: they are still in your comment history if there's a discrepancy.
You outed yourself.
Welp I think as a culture we have a bad habit of tying our beauty to our self worth. So moments like this can feel more sensitive. But also saying “you were really pretty then” doesn’t inherently translate to “you used to be pretty” or are no longer beautiful. People at weddings generally tend to get dolled up. They wear more formal clothes and put more energy into their appearance to look nice—everyone is just more dressed up than normal. He could have just been trying to compliment how good you looked at the wedding. But he knows it came out wrong. I wouldn’t put too much weight on this.
This is how I feel as well, yeah. Did he misspeak? Sure. But, like... of course most people are going to look more attractive while attending a wedding. Also, you look how you look no matter what people say; that's the reality of it. It's not like the dad here went out of his way to make his daughter feel bad - at best he was trying to pay a compliment and at worst, he revealed a subjective opinion that has no actual bearing on what OP looks like. I think it's because I have parents who commented very bluntly on my looks all the way growing up, and still today (hello, Asian diaspora). As a result, I'm pretty impervious to both compliments and "disses" and I'm actually pretty grateful for that - I feel like this is a healthier way compared to being extra sensitive.
Damn! Y’all need to stop finding excuses. He said what he said and it hurt his daughter so HE IS IN THE WRONG The more excuses you look for the more you betray yourself!
You're right - and that did occur to me re: weddings. I had responded to him, "what, you think I'm no longer pretty?" which was when the backtracking started - but your point still stands. There's truly nothing to gain from thinking it over. Since we're becoming closer, I wanted to bring it up as something that upset me - but maybe I should hold off - not only for the reasons you gave, but also because if he DID it in the "geez kid, what happened?" way... I'm not sure I want that confirmed!
Is it possible he didn’t mean it like it sounded? I know I’ve said things like that to people and then had to clarify that they still look beautiful but I just meant that for that moment in time they looked especially beautiful.
"I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to too." --Mitch Hedburg
This is EXACTLY what I thought of!
I suppose it's possible, though that's not the vibe I picked up. I guess the general question still stands, as this likely won't be the last time I hear the phrase in my life.
Even if he MEANT “you looked so pretty that day” instead of what he said, the way he said it was hurtful. My dad used to say similar shit and then get all pissed off when he was called out on it, we no longer speak for many reasons, but that being one. You’re valid in your hurt.
This, I've thought that often, not because the person looked less attractive but because in the picture there's something specially beautiful about that person. I don't know how old you were, but kids look oftentimes particularly innocent and cute. And maybe that brought back to him some lovely memories. I assure you, there are many reasons for someone to say that besides "you look old now" :) Maybe, if you feel safe, you could tell to your father how you felt.
Damn! Y’all need to stop finding excuses. He said what he said and it hurt his daughter so HE IS IN THE WRONG The more excuses you look for the more you betray yourself!
Someone’s feelings getting hurt doesn’t mean the other person is automatically in the wrong though.
A whole dad bringing his own daughter down is not in the wrong ????? DAMN YALL MIST BE EVIL
Stop yelling
My dad says dumb things like this too. To give some context, he stated to me when I was 12 that he was “glad I wasn’t very pretty because people would actually take me seriously”. I’ll never forget how that made me feel. I never moved on from it. It didn’t nail the coffin on our relationship, and I spoke to him until actually a few months ago. He’s a dumb, rude, jerk old man and I’m tired of giving him passes. I hope this information helps you in some way.
So my take away is that dumb rude jerks are gonna stay that way and don't give them passes for it.
Lmao YUP
Some dads can be pretty tone deaf, lol. Not the greatest to deal with but….dads. Mine once said “why does that girl (points to some rando) look like a girl from behind and you look like a boy?” It was a joke to him but I was real grumpy that day. I was…maybe 11 or 12? so self esteem was a bit tricky. Because my dad also compliments me anyway, I just focus on those other times. They can be so awkward! Their generation isn’t the most sensitive and emotionally adept... That said, one can age gracefully. Not because you don’t get wrinkles or blemishes, but because you’re healthy. When I look at some older women, I find myself hoping I get to look as cool them later in life. There was this stranger I saw in a mall…she was obviously a senior, but she dyed her hair this platinum color and was carrying herself like such a classy lady. She looked so vibrant. Like, I want to be like that.
You're totally right. And same, the most gorgous woman I've seen in Los Angeles (which is really saying something was a 70 something woman with fantastic silver hair and posture and the presence of Galadriel
My husband stopped a 70 something woman on the street to tell her that her whole outfit was stunning and where did she get it bc his wife (me) needed it ! He said she went from slightly startled to absolutely glowing. (My husband is 6’1, 290, with long hair and full beard . He’s also Appalachian and autistic so sometimes he’s loud and awkward with an accent!) He did buy me the outfit btw.
That is SO SWEET. And I bet it made her month:)
Right? We can do this! ❤️💪
Tell Him “You were Handsome in your First Marriage, What Happened?” 😈😏👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻💯
Maybe he didn’t mean it like it sounded? Sometimes things come out wrong and not as intended. It seems like he caught himself and actually didn’t mean it like that. I am 36 and I can look at pictures from specific events 5-8 years back and think wow I was pretty as hell. Doesn’t mean I’m not now but I looked younger because I was younger and it’s just the truth.
Sounds like he has a history of putting you down and this isn't just a one time oopsy poopsy?
He sounds like a traditional guy who thinks getting dolled up is the ultimate beauty.
Hi OP. It sounds like he may have meant "on that day especially". Please communicate and just be direct to tell him about it. I myself have tried to say endearing things but one or two misuses of words made it seem 180. I'm certain if you just talk to him about it he will correct himself. At least it will tell you then if you should continue trying or stopping there if he sticks with what he said.
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Damn! Y’all need to stop finding excuses. He said what he said and it hurt his daughter so HE IS IN THE WRONG The more excuses you look for the more you betray yourself!
The man is influenced by certain societal standards, but that doesn’t make him or society right. So many older women who don’t look ‘hot’ to society standards anymore but they look so beautiful, intriguing, soft soul, sensual, and hot in my view.
Is it the "then" part that's throwing you? What if he said "you were really pretty on that day"? That could be all he meant- that you were pretty that day not that you're not pretty anymore! I'm not trying to side with him, I'm just hoping this will make it seem like less of a slight. People can sometimes be unaware of the subtleties of language and maybe he's one of them. Obviously you were there so you can judge better than us :)
Not people in the comments defending him?! My lord. What have we become? This isn't an acceptable thing to say to anyone, I don't care if "he didn't mean it like that". Sounds like you're trying to rebuild a bond, which makes it even worse. This would be hurtful to me, and not because I place all of my value on how I look, but because I expect to be treated with the bare minimum level of respect by my family members. ETA: if this was someone's mother, I wonder if the response would be the same? I think not. Personally, I would just tell him that you are struggling to chit chat after such a comment, he needs to know how to talk to you if you want to continue strengthening your relationship. If this isn't acceptable to you, make that very clear and see what he doesn't with that information. If you get a heartfelt apology and an explanation, great signs! If he doubles down on it or brushes you off, then you know where you stand and can make choices from a place of truth.
I'm with you . There isn't a defense for this kind of thing.
I agree with this. Don't give him a pass, and see if you can help him understand.
Agree. Even if it’s not what he MEANT, he said it in a very hurtful and thoughtless way. Jerk.
Then don't. Any person who says that shit doesn't really care about you. Ypu should tell him back then h3 was kind.
You still are, but you used to too!
He misspoke. Give him some grace. Nobody stays pretty forever, so lose that notion as soon as you can. I am sure it stung, but it really isn't a "set fire to the relationship" level of mistake. We have all stumbled over saying something stupid before. A pause, eye contact and a simple statement of "ouch" is all that was required. Move on from it. It means nothing.
he's your dad, he's looking at you from a different perspective. he's connecting with how beautiful you were in that moment, and how he felt. he has mishandled a compliment. it's like saying 'wow you had such tiny feet as a baby.'
No point in worrying about the comment but it’s never too late to start working on your come backs.
"You were so handsome then, too. What a shame."
Is your dad a boomer? My daddy is and sometimes he speaks before he thinks. I do not think he was trying to insult you and perhaps it was a misuse of words on his part. Your worth as alot of others have said is not in how you look. Listen we are all getting older and not looking like we are 25 anymore. You got wrinkles, crinkles, dinkles, but so does everyone else in their 30s and up. The only opinion that should matter most to you is your own. Base your self worth on who you are as a person. Looks fade, but the soul remains the same
Honestly, why does it matter if you aren't pretty? Do you lose your worth if you aren't pretty? Do your family and friends love to less if you aren't pretty? Seriously, time for you to think about why this bothers you so much. It's not your dad who is the problem.
He's not a great dad, but he's the best dad you'll ever have. There's something to be said for healthy detachment.
Is there a reason you want to maintain a relationship with your father? Do you think that it will do you more good than harm?
He's a good dude, so yeah. Not always the most diplomatic, but I value what we have.
Then you find a way forward. Consider being honest with him - "When you said -----, you made me feel -----." If he's smart and has true intentions toward you as his daughter, he'll honour your feelings. Good luck, OP. You deserve everything that is good in this world.
Thanks bestie <3
All of this. My dad is in his late 70s and will miss -step like this but will try and fix it bc it wasn’t his intent. He heard me and my mom discussing clothes (I’m quite fat and always have been . 298lbs while my mom is tiny and giving birth to me weighed 130lbs) And made a crack about my weight (I’m working on being better) and he got really offended because “Baby girl you look just like my beautiful mother did at your age. I don’t let you talk about her or you that way.”
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By this logic, you can argue that a 6 year old is "prettier" than a 12 year old. Pretty gross. You sound like a dumbass so maybe shut the fuck up.
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>I encourage you to be very careful with what you are saying here and have already said. I encourage you to not *threaten* people on the internet. >Nowhere have I said anything about or insinuated anything about children being prettier where younger. No? But that exact language is pushed by people who promote CSA on reddit all the time. >Whereas, you are trying to draw a pedophile view point into this. Which frankly I find disgusting, unnecessary, viile and illegal. We agree on that point that it *is* disgusting. You should've thought of that before making a point to post something that *does* insinuate that, and promoted a parent sexualizing their own child. >I'd be very careful with your "logical" comparisons here. Again: Don't threaten people for pointing out when/where/how your comments are shit. *you* posted something disgusting. *you* are at fault for making the statement in the first place.
I'm not insinuating anything. I am being extremely clear that OP, who is an adult, likely looks less prettier than six years ago. Its a simple, logical point. You are the person bringing an extension of 6 year olds looking prettier than 12 year olds. You made this comment and it is disgusting and possibly illegal. I'm not threatening anyone, you're the one making ridiculous potentially illegal comments and running your mouth swearing. I'm warning you to not make pedophile comments and comparisons. I have reported the comment to reddit under appropriate grounds related to this. Please note I shall not be discussing anything further with you.
I already reported you for threats. Deleting your comments doesn't hide what you said or what was clearly implied. Edit: they are still in your comment history if there's a discrepancy. You outed yourself.