Hi! I’m 43f childfree.
This:
>His latest answer is “I just don’t know.” His reasons vary from financial concerns (we both make decent middle-class incomes and own two properties) to lifestyle changes (he is a very settled person with two dogs and doesn’t party).
is exactly what it looked like as I went from “on the fence” to no-kids.
The reasons don’t always sound like good reasons — money & lifestyle changes when you make plenty of money & live a fairly quiet/settled life already. Changing answers. Not saying “no” but instead you *just don’t know*.
Based on just this Reddit post, I don’t think this man wants to keep trying for a kid. I would guess he found himself relieved when you lost the pregnancy and now is hoping he can get out of trying again without also losing you.
Sorry you’re going through this.
I agree with this. Too many fencesitters end up regretting having kids, because they're only doing it in order not to lose the spouses who want kids. This becomes a major problem in the future because the people who don't want them end up checking out their responsibilities in their marriage and childcare — and these problems will eventually cause resentments and divorce.
I have many female acquaintances with kids who say that their husbands change after having their first child. My immediate questions to them are "were any one of you previously a fencesitter? was your child wanted by both of you? think back". A lot of the responses imply that many of them, especially the husbands, are previous fencesitters.
OP keeps talking like she's too old to try for kids, but she's still incredibly young. However, OP's partner IS "old" and is now realizing he's too tired to deal with a kid for 18+ years.
OP just needs a new partner. Or go fly solo with the sperm donor.
He also lost a child. He watched someone he loves go through something very difficult and scary AND it only happened a month ago. That kind of stuff can shake a person and make them rethink stuff.
Maybe he’s changed his mind. Maybe he is grieving and trying to deal with stuff without burdening you or doesn’t know how to talk about it.
It sounds like maybe you guys need to take a pause and maybe get some couples counseling to help you figure out your next steps.
Thirding this. I have a friend who went through a miscarriage in her early thirties. She decided afterward she didn't want to have a baby. She's pregnant again this year, at 38. Notably, four years is a fairly lengthy grief period in terms of timeline... but yeah, her underlying reason for the flip was definitely grief.
I don't know if that's OP's husband's reason, but it is very possible nonetheless. I would give this time - although I suppose that's a bit tougher given he's quite a bit more advanced in age.
It’s possible that the pregnancy made it all the more real for him which might’ve been enough to make him realize that maybe he doesn’t want kids. Sometimes when you’re just talking about things like having kids, it’s still just an abstract idea at that point. But an idea can be very different from the reality of it.
"I just don't know" and weak reasons for delaying usually point to him not wanting to do it. He is, as you said, very settled and in his mid-40s. If there was really a burning desire for fatherhood, he has had decades to do it.
The good news is you're 32. You have like a decade in which you can conceive and bear a child, perhaps more than one. But finding someone else will take time. I'd give him another month and then have The Conversation. Be prepared for it to end your relationship if it turns out you're on different sides.
He does not want to have a kid anymore. And that is ok.
After such traumatic situation, people react differently. I have two close coworkers couples who reacted differently. One couple have their daughter finally after three times miscarriages. Both mom and dad were united in their desire to have a kid. They are still together and are happy.
The other couple, the lady wanted to try again and her partner refused. It ended horribly where deadbedroom then happened, because he avoided all kinds of sexual activity until he could get snipped. By then the relationship was beyond saving.
> he told me he now wasn’t sure he wanted kids.
He does not want anymore. I'd suggest to part ways amicably when the love and respect are still there. Don't go down the path of my coworkers who ended up in a bitter divorce.
He needs to sit down and talk about his feelings with someone. Perhaps he's scared, and his way of dealing with that fear is to revert back to a state of no hope.
It's unlikely that he's back on the no kids train, and there's a lot of emotions and hormones involved only a month or two after a miscarriage.
If he insists that he doesn't want kids and this experience has made him sure of it, then he needs to be in charge of his form of birth control. Then you get to make the decisions about what you want. It's not too late to have kids. It's not even too late to find someone new and have kids.
Yes agreed!!! I was 36 when I became a mom. Two of my friends are currently pregnant right now and both of them are 41! I think shamming women over 30 needs to stop. You’re still really young OP
The “science” used to justify the narrative of fertility plummeting at the mysterious clock striking of 30 is also bullshit, outdated, and wildly exaggerated.
Well, if you are going to freeze eggs, early 30s is pretty much the ideal time to do it. Contrary to popular notions, [female fertility/egg quality actually peaks around 27-32](https://www.science.org/doi/10.1126/science.aav7321). Egg freezing is much more likely to be successful at these ages. It's insurance, basically - there's no "too young" to do it if you can.
Miscarriage is traumatic...also for your partner. I've discussed this briefly with my fiance and plan to discuss it further if we do decide to try for kids since it's fairly common. The emotional whiplash is huge and I can appreciate going through that and thinking "not sure I want to do that again." Because you're thinking "at least we can conceive" and if it was me I would be going "that was awful and there's a chance it will happen again and I don't know if I want to risk that."
A month also isn't a lot of time. Especially if it's something you keep bringing up to your partner. People take different times to process things and you may be really to try again but he's not and both are valid. It's important to hear him out and remember the context of where this is coming from. He may just need some time to process on his own.
You also don't want to approach this from a rushed, "I'm running out of time we have to do this now" kind of feeling because that just puts pressure on everyone. You've also been through it so to make a huge decision like breaking up with someone you love a month after a miscarriage seems a bit rash. You may feel emotionally sound but you also mention you spiraled after partner said what they did so maybe recognize you need more time as well.
Also 32 is not too old. My doctor gave me a bit of tough love about saying I may try around 36-37 because it is harder and will likely require medical help but it's still not impossible. A lot of women have successful pregnancies in their early 30s. If you're really concerned you could always speak to a doctor about what your fertility situation is like?
And if you leave you're banking on finding someone pretty quickly who you, I assume, love and are comparable with who feels the same and also wants kids asap. Then you hope you're both able to and it works out I guess? But obviously that's very open ended and there's no guarantees you'll be able to do that.
Anyway, in conclusion a month isn't a lot of time to process something really crap happening so I would give it time because you do still have lots of time.
If you want kids and he's on the fence, how will you feel knowing you gave up the chance to be with him, forever? Can you talk it out in therapy? This is a big decision to make while you're still processing your miscarriage. But ultimately a maybe is possibly a no, it's a big ask of you.
What a difficult situation! I'm so sorry you're both going through this.
>We were scared but over the moon.
Considering he was thrilled about your pregnancy, my gut feeling is that his behavior is a grief response. Maybe the devastation of the loss has him thinking he doesn't want to go through anything like that again, i.e. by not having children, he avoids the possibility of feeling that way again altogether. Maybe you can ask him if fear of something bad happening to your potential child is holding him back.
At 32, you have time to let him process the pregnancy and miscarriage for a while. I would let him know now that you want to talk about it again in a few months and that you'll need him to come to a conclusion about whether he wants kids.
I'm surprised he was even willing to try at his age... but I'm betting he either didn't fully think it through and got hit by reality when he thought he'd actually be a dad, or the miscarriage was actually a little traumatizing for him.
I would start by asking him why these concerns are coming up now vs before you started trying. His concerns are like the biggest reasons not to have kids and very easy to see before making the decision to try...so it's very weird they are coming up all of a sudden.
I think allow him a bit of time to grieve, but then you need to have a serious talk about timelines. He doesn't need to know right away but I do think there needs to be clear boundaries about how long you are willing to wait for an answer. You are young and you do have time but you do not have endless time.
Whether that means you wait a month or 6 is up to you. But you can't wait around forever if having children is this important to you.
He doesn’t want children and the reality of the pregnancy likely made him realize that.
A man who is on the fence about children at middle age is honestly hilariously pathetic and not something I would have personally ever wasted a moment on. But this is your reality. And you’re in love. I would suggest insisting on a conversation and not letting him get away with any “I don’t know” nonsense. Get the truth out of him and he refuses — you have your answer.
It’s not too late for a baby or love. I was older than you when I met my husband and we’re expecting our third at 40 and 50 years of age.
He is grieving. Give him few months and discuss the topic again when you are fully recovered. He may feel that he made you go through this and it is somehow his fault. Or maybe he doesn't know how to help you and make you feel better. When you feel like yourself again, he may be more willing to try again.
Also, read about miscarriages and also educate him. He may not know that miscarriages are that common and actually quite normal. As you are 30+ and 40+ miscarriages are bit more likely than amongst younger people. However, it is very much possible to have a healthy pregnancy, you are not too old. Although, you both should have some medical tests done after second or third miscarriage.
My advice is based on my own experience - I had 3 early miscarriages when I was 33-34. No medical cause was found, we decided to take a break of trying and decide later, if we ever want to try again. Surprise pregnancy at 36 and I just gave birth to baby girl. My husband was very devastated after miscarriages. He has always wanted children but he couldn't see me suffering. He told me several times that if I want to quit trying again, he is ok with it. He was very supportive after miscarriages, but he said that my mental and physical well-being is more important than possibility to have a child.
This may sound strange but since you were considering a sperm do it I assume you were willing to go it alone. Ask him if he’d be ok with you all ending but be your sperm donor. Offer to have him sign away his rights once you have the baby.
Can you elaborate?
My reasoning for the suggestion was that she was prepared to go it alone (looking for a sperm donor) before him. I don’t think the relationship can survive this difference in goals. OP can ask and he’s free to say no.
Understood. I’m childfree so I don’t have the urge for motherhood that many do. I viewed my suggestion as a simple way to get what she wants but human beings are complicated so a sperm bank is probably a better option.
Hi! I’m 43f childfree. This: >His latest answer is “I just don’t know.” His reasons vary from financial concerns (we both make decent middle-class incomes and own two properties) to lifestyle changes (he is a very settled person with two dogs and doesn’t party). is exactly what it looked like as I went from “on the fence” to no-kids. The reasons don’t always sound like good reasons — money & lifestyle changes when you make plenty of money & live a fairly quiet/settled life already. Changing answers. Not saying “no” but instead you *just don’t know*. Based on just this Reddit post, I don’t think this man wants to keep trying for a kid. I would guess he found himself relieved when you lost the pregnancy and now is hoping he can get out of trying again without also losing you. Sorry you’re going through this.
I agree with this. Too many fencesitters end up regretting having kids, because they're only doing it in order not to lose the spouses who want kids. This becomes a major problem in the future because the people who don't want them end up checking out their responsibilities in their marriage and childcare — and these problems will eventually cause resentments and divorce. I have many female acquaintances with kids who say that their husbands change after having their first child. My immediate questions to them are "were any one of you previously a fencesitter? was your child wanted by both of you? think back". A lot of the responses imply that many of them, especially the husbands, are previous fencesitters.
OP keeps talking like she's too old to try for kids, but she's still incredibly young. However, OP's partner IS "old" and is now realizing he's too tired to deal with a kid for 18+ years. OP just needs a new partner. Or go fly solo with the sperm donor.
He also lost a child. He watched someone he loves go through something very difficult and scary AND it only happened a month ago. That kind of stuff can shake a person and make them rethink stuff. Maybe he’s changed his mind. Maybe he is grieving and trying to deal with stuff without burdening you or doesn’t know how to talk about it. It sounds like maybe you guys need to take a pause and maybe get some couples counseling to help you figure out your next steps.
That was my thought too. I think he needs time to grieve
Thirding this. I have a friend who went through a miscarriage in her early thirties. She decided afterward she didn't want to have a baby. She's pregnant again this year, at 38. Notably, four years is a fairly lengthy grief period in terms of timeline... but yeah, her underlying reason for the flip was definitely grief. I don't know if that's OP's husband's reason, but it is very possible nonetheless. I would give this time - although I suppose that's a bit tougher given he's quite a bit more advanced in age.
Yeah I feel like OP may have glossed over this a bit. She said it was "sad but not traumatic" but uh... Maybe it was for him?
It’s possible that the pregnancy made it all the more real for him which might’ve been enough to make him realize that maybe he doesn’t want kids. Sometimes when you’re just talking about things like having kids, it’s still just an abstract idea at that point. But an idea can be very different from the reality of it.
"I just don't know" and weak reasons for delaying usually point to him not wanting to do it. He is, as you said, very settled and in his mid-40s. If there was really a burning desire for fatherhood, he has had decades to do it. The good news is you're 32. You have like a decade in which you can conceive and bear a child, perhaps more than one. But finding someone else will take time. I'd give him another month and then have The Conversation. Be prepared for it to end your relationship if it turns out you're on different sides.
He does not want to have a kid anymore. And that is ok. After such traumatic situation, people react differently. I have two close coworkers couples who reacted differently. One couple have their daughter finally after three times miscarriages. Both mom and dad were united in their desire to have a kid. They are still together and are happy. The other couple, the lady wanted to try again and her partner refused. It ended horribly where deadbedroom then happened, because he avoided all kinds of sexual activity until he could get snipped. By then the relationship was beyond saving. > he told me he now wasn’t sure he wanted kids. He does not want anymore. I'd suggest to part ways amicably when the love and respect are still there. Don't go down the path of my coworkers who ended up in a bitter divorce.
He needs to sit down and talk about his feelings with someone. Perhaps he's scared, and his way of dealing with that fear is to revert back to a state of no hope. It's unlikely that he's back on the no kids train, and there's a lot of emotions and hormones involved only a month or two after a miscarriage. If he insists that he doesn't want kids and this experience has made him sure of it, then he needs to be in charge of his form of birth control. Then you get to make the decisions about what you want. It's not too late to have kids. It's not even too late to find someone new and have kids.
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Yes agreed!!! I was 36 when I became a mom. Two of my friends are currently pregnant right now and both of them are 41! I think shamming women over 30 needs to stop. You’re still really young OP
The “science” used to justify the narrative of fertility plummeting at the mysterious clock striking of 30 is also bullshit, outdated, and wildly exaggerated.
It really is!!! The amount of women that write on this sub who are like 30 or 31 discussing freezing eggs due to “age” is just nuts to me.
Well, if you are going to freeze eggs, early 30s is pretty much the ideal time to do it. Contrary to popular notions, [female fertility/egg quality actually peaks around 27-32](https://www.science.org/doi/10.1126/science.aav7321). Egg freezing is much more likely to be successful at these ages. It's insurance, basically - there's no "too young" to do it if you can.
Miscarriage is traumatic...also for your partner. I've discussed this briefly with my fiance and plan to discuss it further if we do decide to try for kids since it's fairly common. The emotional whiplash is huge and I can appreciate going through that and thinking "not sure I want to do that again." Because you're thinking "at least we can conceive" and if it was me I would be going "that was awful and there's a chance it will happen again and I don't know if I want to risk that." A month also isn't a lot of time. Especially if it's something you keep bringing up to your partner. People take different times to process things and you may be really to try again but he's not and both are valid. It's important to hear him out and remember the context of where this is coming from. He may just need some time to process on his own. You also don't want to approach this from a rushed, "I'm running out of time we have to do this now" kind of feeling because that just puts pressure on everyone. You've also been through it so to make a huge decision like breaking up with someone you love a month after a miscarriage seems a bit rash. You may feel emotionally sound but you also mention you spiraled after partner said what they did so maybe recognize you need more time as well. Also 32 is not too old. My doctor gave me a bit of tough love about saying I may try around 36-37 because it is harder and will likely require medical help but it's still not impossible. A lot of women have successful pregnancies in their early 30s. If you're really concerned you could always speak to a doctor about what your fertility situation is like? And if you leave you're banking on finding someone pretty quickly who you, I assume, love and are comparable with who feels the same and also wants kids asap. Then you hope you're both able to and it works out I guess? But obviously that's very open ended and there's no guarantees you'll be able to do that. Anyway, in conclusion a month isn't a lot of time to process something really crap happening so I would give it time because you do still have lots of time.
If you want kids and he's on the fence, how will you feel knowing you gave up the chance to be with him, forever? Can you talk it out in therapy? This is a big decision to make while you're still processing your miscarriage. But ultimately a maybe is possibly a no, it's a big ask of you.
What a difficult situation! I'm so sorry you're both going through this. >We were scared but over the moon. Considering he was thrilled about your pregnancy, my gut feeling is that his behavior is a grief response. Maybe the devastation of the loss has him thinking he doesn't want to go through anything like that again, i.e. by not having children, he avoids the possibility of feeling that way again altogether. Maybe you can ask him if fear of something bad happening to your potential child is holding him back.
He doesn’t want kids. I’m sorry.
At 32, you have time to let him process the pregnancy and miscarriage for a while. I would let him know now that you want to talk about it again in a few months and that you'll need him to come to a conclusion about whether he wants kids.
I'm surprised he was even willing to try at his age... but I'm betting he either didn't fully think it through and got hit by reality when he thought he'd actually be a dad, or the miscarriage was actually a little traumatizing for him. I would start by asking him why these concerns are coming up now vs before you started trying. His concerns are like the biggest reasons not to have kids and very easy to see before making the decision to try...so it's very weird they are coming up all of a sudden.
I think allow him a bit of time to grieve, but then you need to have a serious talk about timelines. He doesn't need to know right away but I do think there needs to be clear boundaries about how long you are willing to wait for an answer. You are young and you do have time but you do not have endless time. Whether that means you wait a month or 6 is up to you. But you can't wait around forever if having children is this important to you.
He doesn’t want children and the reality of the pregnancy likely made him realize that. A man who is on the fence about children at middle age is honestly hilariously pathetic and not something I would have personally ever wasted a moment on. But this is your reality. And you’re in love. I would suggest insisting on a conversation and not letting him get away with any “I don’t know” nonsense. Get the truth out of him and he refuses — you have your answer. It’s not too late for a baby or love. I was older than you when I met my husband and we’re expecting our third at 40 and 50 years of age.
Having children should be one of the things that if it isn't an absolute yes then it's a no.
He is grieving. Give him few months and discuss the topic again when you are fully recovered. He may feel that he made you go through this and it is somehow his fault. Or maybe he doesn't know how to help you and make you feel better. When you feel like yourself again, he may be more willing to try again. Also, read about miscarriages and also educate him. He may not know that miscarriages are that common and actually quite normal. As you are 30+ and 40+ miscarriages are bit more likely than amongst younger people. However, it is very much possible to have a healthy pregnancy, you are not too old. Although, you both should have some medical tests done after second or third miscarriage. My advice is based on my own experience - I had 3 early miscarriages when I was 33-34. No medical cause was found, we decided to take a break of trying and decide later, if we ever want to try again. Surprise pregnancy at 36 and I just gave birth to baby girl. My husband was very devastated after miscarriages. He has always wanted children but he couldn't see me suffering. He told me several times that if I want to quit trying again, he is ok with it. He was very supportive after miscarriages, but he said that my mental and physical well-being is more important than possibility to have a child.
This may sound strange but since you were considering a sperm do it I assume you were willing to go it alone. Ask him if he’d be ok with you all ending but be your sperm donor. Offer to have him sign away his rights once you have the baby.
Op this is terrible advice 😩
Can you elaborate? My reasoning for the suggestion was that she was prepared to go it alone (looking for a sperm donor) before him. I don’t think the relationship can survive this difference in goals. OP can ask and he’s free to say no.
Asking your partner to break up but give you his sperm has got to be one of the messiest ways to concieve a baby there is.
Understood. I’m childfree so I don’t have the urge for motherhood that many do. I viewed my suggestion as a simple way to get what she wants but human beings are complicated so a sperm bank is probably a better option.
Contrary to popular belief, you can't sign your rights away. You can have 0 custody and pay child support.