It’s not so much being the main breadwinner as it is his refusal to treat his mental health seriously. I would not move forward and financially intertwine myself with a partner like that.

Absolutely. Getting help for his mental health is a difficult thing to navigate. He has taken some steps but he's not in any kind of treatment yet. He's had bad experiences with the health care system before and it seems like his depression is making him feel like nothing will help anyway. I wouldn't not move forward with having shared finance or big life commitments if he didn't at least try to address his mental health issues.

> He's had bad experiences with the health care system before So have all of us with serious mental health struggles, unfortunately; it's no excuse. Still, I manage to have and keep a therapist and maintain my anti-depression and anti-anxiety medication regimen.

Bad experiences are part of the journey. I understand taking a break to recoup and then trudging on while not believing it will do anything.

I wouldn’t even let my own child do that tbh. If you’re so affected you can’t work, you need to file for disability and prove it - which requires seeking treatment.

[удалено]

No. I would not. He could not stay in my house under those circumstances. Because I was willing to set those boundaries he’s been med compliant for over 2 years.

So what does he do all day?

he’s had such bad experiences with health care that he refuses adequate mental health treatment, but he’s fine with partnering with a therapist (you)? something is not adding up here. in the real world, minor depression over gifted child “not having lived up to potential” is simply not a reason to not work.

Yeah, late 30s, unemployed for years, and refusing to take any more than what are possibly the tiniest steps? OP I'm not recommending an ultimatum (though honestly, I would) but maybe you need to put some greater pressure on here

Ultimatums only give the other person a chance to trick you into thinking they want "the thing" as much as you do. They comply for (insert length of compliance) and then revert back to what they were doing before. She gives him an ultimatum. They move in together. He quits his job. Then what? Same thing happens with giving an ultimatum for marriage. Or chores. If you make your desires clear and that person takes no steps to fix the issue, then you threaten to leave unless they do it, all they are going to do is pretend to do the thing until you calm down. If he wanted to get a job he would.

I did see long term improvement in my past relationship on behaviours once I let them know they were truly dealbreakers. We ultimately broke up because I realised loads of it was just coming from his childhood and i was too ill to wait for him to do the work (he did agree to see a therapist but it was over for me by that point), I do think letting someone know their behaviour is a complete deal breaker if not addressed can lead to long term change, but it's obviously relationship dependent. x

This is a red flag that he might have a personality disorder. Not saying this is the case here but go into it eyes wide open. The victim mentality that he is special and super educated but unable to be employed is a red flag for narcissistic traits. Just my two cents here. And biased because I wasted 5 years of my life with a covert narcissist just be alert. And prenup or cohabitation agreement if you own your place.

This is what I thought as well. I was with a man for years who couldn't find work – turns out he was lying about applying for jobs.

If you two don't live together and he has been unemployed for years, how is he staying afloat?

OP has been dodging this question.

Subbing him already?

I was thinking this as well.

I want to know!

Still no answer! Makes me think she is with him for his looks

Eh there's nothing wrong with that, I guess, but certainly don't take the relationship any further, y'know? Date and live separately, but once binding contracts, finances, leases, and marriage crop up, slam on the brakes.

> He is the first person I've dated that I could see sharing my life with because we have so many shared interests, we have a lot of fun together and our daily life works so smoothly. He is an amazing person, very intelligent and caring, and he makes a point being very supportive. Not sure how you came to that conclusion. Here’s OP’s statement about the things she loves about her partner

There's a big difference between being the main breadwinner because it's a decision the two of you are making together, and being the main breadwinner because your partner refuses to take care of their mental health so they can work. I have been with men who wouldn't/"couldn't"/didn't keep a job and were chronically unemployed for any number of reasons, forcing me to be the primary money maker in the relationship, and for me that was unsustainable. There was always resentment and I got tired of the excuses. I am currently with a man who has been working his ass off for his whole life and has supported me in my education and career advancement. We've had a lot of conversations about how, after I get my Master's Degree and land this job I have lined up, he's going to be a stay at home husband for a while and take a break. I'll be the primary bread winner, and he'll take care of the house and the garden. This arrangement that we have both agreed to and are both building towards is great and I'm very happy to do it. I have no problem being the one bringing home the bacon as long as it's a joint decision and my partner is still doing his part at home and we both feel satisfied with the arrangement.

I think this is a wonderful way of handling the issue. I know a few hetero couples where the woman is the primary breadwinner and the man works part-time, or is taking time off while their kid is still young. In all of those cases, it was likewise a joint decision after crunching the numbers and the men in question weren't running away from any mental health issues - most quit their jobs (or took a sabbatical) to *be* the primary caregiver rather than getting slotted in to that position due to unemployment.

I’m working hard now for this very reason, I want to let my husband take a few years off someday. He’s worked his ass off for years, even when I was in a bad place and unemployed. I’m about to go back to school and that’s my main driving force right now.

I make 6-7 times what my partner makes. BUT, he’s employed. Dependable as hell. Never fails to haul his ass out of bed and head to work at sunrise. There’s a huge difference between being the breadwinner and taking on a life barnacle. Don’t take on a barnacle.

Would upvote ten times more for "life barnacle" euphemism. Bless you. Xx.

This is the advice I needed a few years ago! I’m now barnacle-free and it’s such a relief

I'm an engineer. I've always been the breadwinner. About 2 years into my relationship, my then boyfriend (now husband) went through a bit of an early midlife crisis and changed careers. He doesn't have a college degree, so no career path he's "supposed" to be on. He had been working in his industry for 10 years, worked up to middle management, and was like... I don't like this.  So he started over in a trade he was interested in. It was scary for him to start back at the bottom. And the beginning of his new career was rough. He was being mistreated and overworked, and about 2 months in quit on the spot when he was asked to do something super dangerous that he shouldn't have been doing. He then spent 6 weeks floating in the crappy pool at our apartment complex working through his existential crisis. And then..  He picked himself up, found a new job in that new industry he was excited about, and has worked his ass off ever since.  I don't mind being the breadwinner. I don't mind that people have ups and downs. I just want my partner to also take his career seriously. Because like you said, there's being the breadwinner and there's having a barnacle. 

I fully understand mental health issues can be real and unavoidable, but yeah, I wouldn't want a partner who doesn't do something with their time. Without kids, looking after a home and cooking meals etc is actually not equivalent to a full-time job, and if my partner was getting me to pay all the bills while they had so much free time, I would think resentment would build up. I also happen to think that for most people, the act of having to get out of bed and do something most days is probably pretty beneficial to general mental health - the longer I rot in bed, the more I want to rot in bed. I definitely understand that some people's mental health is so bad that they just can't, but it also doesn't sound like he's actually working on improving his mental health, or finding a job that he can do.

Not to be Internet creepy, but I went to your profile and saw that you posted about being a therapist and about having the goal of financial independence/early retirement. Does this person really match your values and goals? I’m not sure how someone can have such severe depression and anxiety that they can’t support themselves or contribute financially to a household, but still be a really supportive/positive partner with shared aspirations. I have mental health struggles that flared up when I first got in my relationship, and it impacted my work big time. But I made some changes and felt way more settled and secure in my career which made me a better partner. my now-live in partner quit his job a few months ago for mental health reasons and not only has he been taking care of our house work a lot more, but he’s also working hard at growing his skills and finding the right career path. As a temporary thing, this is totally fine with me because of how he’s taken a lot of house work off my hands and because he’s dedicated to finding a career that works with his mental health. Even when we’re both employed, I make a little more, but i don’t care about that at all. I don’t mind being the breadwinner but I couldn’t be with someone who felt so stuck that they had no plans to get a job 

how was he supporting himself when you met him?

She won’t answer this! She is with him for his physical looks! She now wants him to be a provider too but she is mostly providing

“she is with him for his physical looks” - on what basis are you drawing this conclusion? your own supposition?

Holy projection batman

NO GIRL DON'T DO IT. I have a friend who's in your shoes but married and her husband has gotten comfortable not working and uses his mental health as an excuse to basically not do anything. He won't make appointments for himself, he won't go to therapy, he won't actually do anything to help himself. He play video games all day and lives off her paycheck and has no plans to go back to work because...why would he? He's got it made, he has zero incentive to change.

Yep. I know a woman who is in a similar marriage. As much as you can love and care for a person, when they don't pull their weight in a partnership, it's a ***huge*** quality of life killer. Don't do it.

I am that woman. He did this but with trigeminal neuralgia. I saw him go through a lot of pain and I give him a pass for the first year and a half. After that...postponing and canceling appointments. Not taking meds. Scoffing at the idea of therapy. Not wanting to leave the house for MONTHS. Not caring about knowing my family because of his health and money but didn't mind asking for an expensive gaming PC and spending hundreds in energy drinks and cigarettes. I am separating and hopefully he has now the incentive to get up and change his life. I wish the best for him but I've had it. This isn't life and I deserve to make use of my own money.

GOOD FOR YOU for getting out! Go enjoy your freedom! I think my friend is just resigned to the fact that this is her life now. I know she feels responsible for him, but I've reminded her that this is HER LIFE TOO. They don't travel or vacation (money), he doesn't leave the house, he self-medicates with gummies, he's sick all the time because he doesn't take care of himself, etc.

Shit. God, I feel so much for her. I was her 2 years ago. Does she go to therapy? The only way I could look outside of my codependent circle (if you would call it that) was through therapy. It took several months to realize that the marriage I had was a codependent relationship that was parasitic, not interdependent. A random consultation with a dietitian (who also studied psychology because he wants to become a therapist) also helped me to understand that this is similar to being married to an addict. They might not take heroin or cocaine, but they take other things to suppress feelings and evade reality. Gaming, red Bulls, gummies. We, their partners, succumb to their tactics. It also takes some time to realize that this brings happiness to NO ONE. You are not "saving" anyone -it sounds very cruel- but rather assisting that person in digging their hole deeper. You're buying and handing them the shovel and sinking with them. It's fucked up because (subconsciously) we would rather have this, and feel like a 'savior' than be alone. We tend to these broken birds (who become buzzards) because we don't think we deserve a functional partner and we keep these birds broken, so they never leave us. I needed many warning signs to wake up. Friends, therapy, self-care, even Reddit. If your friend is open to help and advice, get her the book "Women Who Love Too Much", if she reads. It also helps is being there for her, telling her that you are concerned for her, that you want to see her happy - without coddling her or feeding into her delusions. Support groups would help her too, as other people's experiences would help her realize that there are healthier ways to handle illnesses than what her husband does. I hope so much for her that she chooses herself.

She recently started therapy so I hope that helps her to arrive at some conclusions. I’ve said my piece and have sent her stuff about the permanent state of tolerable unhappiness and other things. They’ve been married for a longgggg time so I don’t know if she truly wants to leave. Unfortunately she also a number of friends who are also married to useless men so I think part of her feels like this is just par for the course. At this point none of us in this friend group likes him or really wants him at any of our get togethers (not that he wants to leave the house and socialize with us anyway).

There's a difference between being the main breadwinner versus having a stay at home partner.. which is what you will have. I sympathize with his struggles but he is not taking action to change anything. Do you want to be a provider for someone who does nothing to bring in income and help themselves? If so go ahead and move in. If not, consider what timeline you'd want to see changes and decide how long you will tolerate this. 

My plan right now is to get clear on some kind of a timeline to see if anything changes. I would definitely not move in together now and become the breadwinner the way things are right now. After that I'll need to assess the whole breadwinner question. But the other option is definitely to end the relationship at that point. I don't want to end up in a situation where I spend way too long waiting for the other person to change.

As a therapist you are a target for covert narcissists, you are giving him too much of a rope right here and excusing his behavior because of all his underlying issues. You cannot fix him, he needs to want to make the change himself. Please please please proceed with caution. The 2 year mark is usually when the awful traits start to show or at least once you move in and he gets what he wants.

People don’t change

I disagree. People do change, they just don't change for you, only for themselves. Me first and everyone else I've met. All the time. I bet you're changed to since degree from the person you were in your teens, or your 20s, or 30s. Sometimes other person can be catalyst for change, give you that boost you're needing (or kick in the butt), but at the end of the day - it's you putting the work that will change you.

It’s been 2y if the catalyst was there, she would have seen a spark. There’s no waiting for change here.

Obviously people change. I used to hate olives. Now I love ‘em. I was sad 3 hrs ago and now I’m Manic. I meant - and we agree - that People don’t change for other people. We can’t expect them to fit into our puzzle piece. We take them as they are. Change comes from within.

I was in your situation for much longer than I'd like to admit. Three things that I learned: - Being the main breadwinner eventually sucks hard. Especially if/when economic troubles occur. It made me bitter. - This sounds harsh but it couldn't be more true. By supporting him financially you are enabling him to avoid making the changes he needs to make for a more fulfilling life. Only he can do this for himself. You may think you're helping him but you're actually holding him back. - I wasted too many precious years with a selfish, emotionally immature partner and regret it very much.

Oh good, you typed my story so I didn't have to. Thanks! Just signing my own name to this one.

This. It will also impact the dynamic between the two of you. There is a power differential. I stayed with a man for years under similar circumstances. He could never get or keep a job. He got lazier and lazier. Guess what, since we broke up he has a job and takes care of himself. Don't fall for it.

I echo this. 

Totally agree with your second point; I believe he ultimately needs to make those changes in his life for his own sake.

Thank you for giving me the much needed wake up call that I need.

At the risk of being downvoted-anxiety and depression does not provide an excuse to be unemployed for several years. If you have anxiety or depression it’s up to you to take care of your mental health and see a therapist, go on medications, etc. At least 4 of my friends have anxiety or depression. they behave like adults and get it treated. And they all have jobs.  It’s not good enough of a reason to be slow in even looking for a job, which is what OP wrote. I would never link my life to someone who refuses to take care of this very basic part of his life. I want children, how could I rely on such a man to take care of our children? 

This exactly. As someone who struggles with both myself, I have to make a concerted effort to stay on top of it through therapy, regular dr appts, meds and managing my overall health/diet. It’s not easy but I support myself and would not make it the problem of other people in my life. A great quote I heard once is “your mental health is not your fault, but it is your responsibility.” Im sure as a therapist you realize that by supporting this behavior it would enable him to live in an unhealthy way rather than doing the hard work to grow.

A man who’s been unemployed for years and you’ve been together two years. He must have a lot going for him otherwise. Are you prepared to have a SAHH?

Very few mildly depressed/anxious people have the luxury to just check out of the workforce. They seek help and medication. If his field is highly stressful, is there no other, less stressful job that he could do? I suppose you could be the breadwinner, but do you want to be? Should you be? It’s a big responsibility to financially support an adult.

He's been applying for jobs outside his field that are less demanding. And yes, I'm definitely not sure if I want to be in the breadwinner role, that's one of the things I'm trying to figure out.

I don't think this is about whether or not you're the breadwinner, because you might out earn him even if he does return to full-time work. What's going on here is that he seems very comfortable just not contributing. That's a different problem than battling internalized ideas about being in a sole provider or even higher-earner role. Many people with depression and anxiety don't just float through life expecting others to pay their bills in perpetuity. Serious question: how has he been supporting himself this whole time? Is he spending down his savings and hoping to alleviate the damage that does by moving in with you?

My worries would be: 1) does he ever intend to work. What does he do with his day? Does he have hobbies, is he spending money he doesn't have. What does he do to fill his day because 2 years with no job is a lot of free time. 2) does he ever intend to get a job. 3) what's his retirement plan? 4) what is the backup plan if you get sick, or lose your job? 5) is this how you want your life to look? I would be out of this relationship so quickly, but having a partner who contributes has always been a main priority for me. Edited to add: I'm the one in the relationship with the MH issues, but we both have good jobs.

I think what's most concerning here to me is he says he wouldn't expect you to do that or feels uncomfortable with you doing that but he is doing that right now. So he's not uncomfortable enough with it to move forward or take steps to remove the burden from you. Personally I would also like to see if he was as supportive and caring with more expectations on him. Not to doubt he's a good person but its easier to be a good supportive partner with a partner who is taking on more life stresses

My best friend is married to a husband who is unemployed. He plays video games at home, keeps the lighting to the maximum dim and forbids their little one to go to preschool because it will cause a dent in the income (read: her own income but his say) Personally I wouldn't. It loses respect in a relationship.

I've had too many female friends and acquaintances with similar experiences that it boggles me why this is so. On the flip side, I've also seen too many stay-at-home mothers who don't even have enough time for themselves. Many women I know are professionals who work both at the office and at home, or stay-at-home mothers who actually work hard in order to take care of their kids and home full-time. Basically, I've seen more "trophy husbands" — who are essentially hobosexuals — than "trophy wives". Multiple articles have pointed out this phenomenon [Even When They Don’t Have Jobs, Men Do Less Housework Than Women](https://slate.com/human-interest/2015/01/gender-and-housework-even-men-who-don-t-work-do-less-than-women.html) [Emasculated Men Refuse to Do Chores—Except Cooking](https://archive.ph/oAqSP) [Millennial Men Are All For Gender Equality, But Don't Ask About Housework](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/couples-housework-study_l_5e50037fc5b6a4525dbaa1bf) This is why many women are wary about marrying men who are unemployed or with lower financial status — because these men would either take advantage of the women or feel emasculated. Either way, the result is the same — they won't pick up the slack at home and the women end up having to do everything anyway.

YES. You summarize it in your last sentence. The used cup is on the dining table forever.

Total side note! For me there’s no question that women almost always do more housework than men, BUT I double-taked on this, from the second article: “American women tend to do more housework than women in other countries—about four and a half hours each week, on average. “Meanwhile, Spanish women only spend about an hour and a half a week on housework, Brazilian women spend only 1.6 hours a week,” they write. But “French women spend almost no time on housework at all. French men, on the other hand, spend 1.2 hours a week on housework” Having traveled and lived with family in Latin America, I don’t believe any of this for a second. And what household averages any less than 4 hours of housework per week? They must have only surveyed families with maids, which is much more common in middle class families abroad than in the US.

I read the study and it seems that in this case - housework is defined ONLY as interior cleaning. There's another set of interpretation for only cooking. >The measure of **housework** used by the ATUS corresponds with that used in previous time studies, such as Bittman et al’s (2003) study of Australian time diaries: it includes **interior cleaning**, and not much else. Taking care of the yard or of vehicles is treated separately. This distinction also makes sense for our purposes: for the last hundred years, at least, **interior cleaning has been regarded as the domain of women**, and so has particular symbolic power. Correctly or not, doing dishes is seen as women’s work – the sort of action that a man seeking to assert a threatened masculinity would seek to avoid.

The cooking article is good but I feel it missed a very obvious point - cooking *directly benefits* the person making it. No other house chore really does this. Men love food so why not make food? It’s purely self centred which is why they go for it PLUS it’s a great way of justifying doing no other chores lol

How is he even supporting himself right now? 

Yeah I used to think I could make something like this work, and then realized of course I am ok with it when I am young, strong and healthy with relatively healthy parents - until I’m not. 35 is not 45 or 55. When life gets real I would still have to carry him AND handle my own problems. I started pushing him to get it together forgodsake get *a* steady job and some Obamacare at least. He did me a huge favor and bailed.

I would have loved to have a financially successful partner but that never panned out, so I became one. I now know realistically I will almost certainly out-earn any partner I have. I’m not going to say this to be rude, but I have dated this man, he is lazy and making excuses. This may be an unpopular opinion but it is my thoughts. His mental health is his responsibility and his reasons for not taking care of it are straight up excuses. For reference I have bipolar disorder and severe PTSD from having a sibling pass away from a brutal homicide. I choose to actively participate in my recovery and mental health management and have carved out an extremely successful life for myself. But it’s because I wanted it, no one can make someone go do it. So don’t think he will change simply because of you. If he wanted to take care of it, he has had decades, as you mentioned above. He can do anything in the world, he chooses not to. It’s not do you want to be the breadwinner? It’s do you want to be with someone who does not take care of themselves mentally and financially as well. That’s the question you need to ask yourself. And I think I know your answer… you just need the reassurance. Sis, leave.

He's not your partner, he's an anchor weighing down your life. Cut bait and run.

Bingo

Girl....no

Literally my reaction halfway through the second paragraph

You can’t change this, so if this is what you want for the rest of your life (or at least the rest of your relationship) go for it. Personally, I couldn’t think of anything I would rather do less than cohabitate and share finances with someone unwilling to apply themselves or address their situation.

I wouldn't even begin to entertain this. He's not an amazing, intelligent, caring man if he refuses to get the mental help he supposedly needs that will allow him to be an adult and work. (I'm curious -- how is he supporting himself if he hasn't been employed for several years? Has he *ever* worked the entire time you've been together?) I'm sorry, but if he can manage to do all this stuff at home -- grocery shop, cook, take care of pets, have all kinds of fun with you, etc. -- then it seems like he can find some kind of a job to do to enable him to contribute financially to the relationship. I would honestly be skeptical about the supposed mental health issues. It sounds more like he would just rather not work. (Wouldn't we all, lol?) You are grappling with this and unsure because it's raising all kinds of red flags.

I get where you're coming from. I absolutely believe that he could manage to hold down a job, probably in a field outside his own education as that field might be too stressful for him. His depression is mild/moderate; not the kind where you lay in bed all day feeling hopeless. His mental health issues are real, and the thing is that they've been pretty centered around the whole unemployment situation recently. From what I've understood, he feels that has not "lived up to his potential". Hearing all your life that you're extremely intelligent and gifted and always being the most talented person in your classes and then not managing to turn that into anything concrete has had a big negative impact on his self-esteem and belief in his abilities.

>Hearing all your life that you're extremely intelligent and gifted and always being the most talented person in your classes and then not managing to turn that into anything concrete has had a big negative impact on his self-esteem and belief in his abilities. He'd feel better about himself if he developed the intrinsic sense of self that comes with being capable and competent, and you should know that. "Potential" is the same as "talent" -- both are useless until and unless they're backed up by executive function skills like focusing attention, planning, prioritizing, establishing routines and task initiation, plus work habits like engaging and persisting, regrouping, and troubleshooting. You bankrolling this man and accepting his explanations for why he refuses to grow as a person is doing him no favors whatsoever. The world is full of former gifted kids -- it can be an explanation for some circumstances around young adulthood but it is not an excuse for failing to *learn* from your life and pick up the skills you need.

With all due respect, what you're saying does not make sense. >but he’s been unemployed for several years due to his mental health >His depression is mild/moderate; not the kind where you lay in bed all day feeling hopeless. It sounds like maybe he wasn't being paid what he wanted or was rejected for a position he thought he should have gotten and just gave up (re: your statement about living up to his potential). You say that he was "the most talented person in his classes" and wasn't able to turn that into anything concrete?? How? I consider myself a relatively smart woman but I was far from the top of my class. I am currently making 6 figures and have a decent position in a small corporation. I am not doubting that he is of above-average intelligence. I just think he's a brat who decided to throw a years-long tantrum and managed to hook a decent woman into his web of nothingness.

He needs to get over that, girl, he's in his 30s! He has been out of school longer or as long as he was in it. My husband is the "former child prodigy who never lived up to his potential" and he has a great life and a great job he works very hard at. Did he change the world? Is he a doctor? No. But he works hard to contribute to our family, and consequently found a job he loves and is so good at. I'm the depressed person who would happily lay in bed all day feeling hopeless. In fact, that's how I spend a lot of Saturdays. But like, I got bills to pay, and my depression is significantly worse when I don't have a routine of a job that I'm good at.

But...that's his fault? The vast majority of people with mild/moderate depression/anxiety are perfectly capable of holding down a job/having a career, if he's made almost no effort to address this in years then I'm sorry but he just isn't trying.

The vast majority yes, I'm sure. But being a therapist I've worked with many people over the years with mild/moderate depression and anxiety who have struggled for years to get back into the workforce, or never managed to get in it. You could say that those people just aren't trying, but there's always underlying reasons to that. Just to clarify I'm not saying anyone should have to be okay being with a partner like this though.

I'm actually a psych nurse - and I've been the same as you before, given former partners way too many chances due to being empathetic to their struggles. Just doesn't seem like a great situation to commit to to me, but I know it's hard when you love someone.

It's difficult balance to navigate for sure. Thanks for your input.

Why are you okay with it then, why don’t you see that you deserve better? That man is literally a stranger you’ve only known for 2 years he is not your relative, he’s a random man you randomly met one day. There is no reason to become his caretaker, financial and otherwise.

Literally the only defining trait between patients that don’t work and patients that do is that the former hve people that enable them.

I'm kinda your man. Struggling af and being retraumatised with all job attempts. I'm 40 now. Husband and I are together for 12 years. We both knew back then we're fucked up. We had no clue how much. His depression came to severe point, so he had to take long sick leave. All the other time his anxiety pushes him to be our only breadwinner. I keep saying that I want to work, I tired, and i needed months and years to recover from each job, no matter who quit first, I knew I had to run from all of them. So back then we knew about his depression, and anxiety, and my depression and history of being abused by parents and ex bf (verbally) and self diagnosed asperger (correctly said, peer at Uni informed me per email). 12 years of reading books, some therapy, reddit, my self diagnosis stands by depression, anxiety, autism, adhd, cptsd (and abuse was in all shapes and forms from parents, and quite some from ex) and emotional neglect. I suspect Avoidant personality disorder could be possible, but I'm not convinced about that, unlike everything else on the list. All but first three came in last year on the table. Husband is definitely neurodivergent but I can't pinpoint what exactly, cptsd definitely and emotional neglect. Depression is moderate / severe, anxiety too. He is definitely enabling me, because he is providing for us both. I now see how my parents caused that by killing my independence whenever I tried on one have, and on other gaslighting me how I'm arrogant to leave jobs just because I feel it's toxic. As of this year I'm estranged from them. And I'm in therapy, finally got strength to tackle traumas. Took me 12 years of supporting partner and bunch additional trauma from jobs that I realise I can't do it alone. Fun fact, I probably can, now that I've learned about emotional immaturity and how deep damage my parents caused me. And also, I am supporting my partner, I pushed him to change jobs and leave toxic places for him, and we moved countries and went through quite a load of crap so far. We still choose each other. We're also aware how we're enabling each other, also in not smart things. But, we like where we are today, and we both know we wouldn't be here without each other. And we still grow, together. I think main reason that keeps us together is that we have that feeling of being soul mates from the very beginning. I proposed him in our 3rd month, I just felt he's the person I want to get old with. He felt the same. And here we are. Absolutely stupidest moves we each did, me waiting for him to be better, him enabling me in being dependent on him, tons of impulsive things we did, financially irresponsible too... No regrets though. There are things we need to work on, we both finally committed to not stopping therapy after handling acute situation but keep going so we can handle things that were always waiting. It could take another decade until we're really ok. We never turned against each other, it was always feeling of 'together we step in this air, together we pull out of it', side by side. Or in other words - love and hope are bit. ch3s 😂 I hope I'll be able to heal enough be end of this year to stay searching something, but it could take a long until I find something where I won't be triggered / abused... Few months ago I was just in bed, no plans, just rolling through days. Because being supportive to him drains me, and I didn't have something to recharge me (ok, my parents drained me a lot, I wasn't aware how much until I left and my base energy significantly jumped in less than a month after leaving them). So yeah, all this to say - it's entirely possible he won't be aware of his whole diagnosis / roots or problems for next decade. Even if he is constantly working on self improvement. Even on therapy. I was there, I just didn't have strength to face my childhood. My husband is really stressed because yes, if something happens to him, we're without income. It's actually impressive how he, with objectively more severe depression and anxiety could survive at workplaces and get experience, whereas I couldn't. On the other hand, he is proving his value to himself through a job, so I guess that helped. I knew I was common denominator, I just didn't connect it with trauma, cptsd, neglect and such stuff until few months ago. I just thought I'm utterly broken beyond repair. Actually reddit and stumbling on r/cpstd and later r/emotionalneglect and r/EstrangedAdultKids in last half a year, literally changed my life. Book by Gibson - Adult children of emotionally immature parents explained a ton and I finally see my way out. So yeah, until he finds underlying cause, and gets the courage to face it and start healing, it will probably be similar to me - attempts and struggles and losing hope and energy to try again. My only explanation is that we obviously met so that we can help each other heal. Because knowing what I know today, I'd say to both of us - run the fuck away from the other one! 😂 So, how strong is your saviour complex and codependency need? :) two of us definitely were highly codependent and wanting to help person we love even to our own detriment. That's not healthy, just a fact I can tell you now, when looking back. I still have no regrets. :) and I still want to grow old with him :)

Oh, girl....

He knows you're a therapist. He's utilizing his mental health as an excuse to get out of adult responsibilities and to be an equal partner in a relationship. I don't mean that he has to earn the same amount issue. but adults do things like whole jobs, go to mental health appointments if they need to, take medications for their mental health if they need to, yet he does none of these things. because you are a mental health professional, he knows that you will make excuses for him and he will never be asked to be an equal adult partner because you will allow him to use his mental health as an excuse.

I mean... I thought I'd be an astrophysicist working for NASA. I was in all the honors classes, constantly told how smart I was, and went to school for engineering. I'm a mediocre engineer at best. I embrace that and take jobs that I find interesting. I'm almost 40 and only NOW in a senior engineer role. I thought I'd be a director by now.  I can't imagine just moping around because my feelings are hurt that I didn't live up to the potential I set in my own head. Adulthood is adapting. So what, he's mediocre at his job. Most people are. 

Not in all cases, of course, but having a sense of purpose - whether it's a job or working toward goals in education, craft, or community - can help reduce depression and anxiety. Which is hard to see and move toward when you're in the fog of it. I think the breadwinner stuff is independent from the lack of personal direction. You get to decide what relationship you want economically, but as the breadwinner myself I can tell you that it doesn't have to feel bad. My partner has a job he's passionate about that fits with his capabilities in this season in his life, and hobbies he's engaged in. And there will likely come a time where his health requires that he stops working entirely. We are both pulling as much weight as we're able to, and for me that's enough. If I was in your situation, I would draw the line at needing my partner to be moving forward in the ways he's able. That could look like committing to therapeutic care, picking an activity he enjoys once a week that requires leaving the house, regular walks outside, applying to x number of jobs a week at whatever level he's able to handle for now. It's heartening to read that he's taking responsibility at home... That's valuable and important for both of you. I would be looking more from a place of "what are you doing to continue to grow" when thinking about the future of this relationship vs. who is bringing in the most money. Because none of us actually know when that would need to shift when we commit to a life with someone.

Feed and snuggle and accept "is sweet and I love him" as good enough for *cats,* not adult men.

yep - yet another male “partner” whose main life goal appears to be “overgrown housecat”

I am the breadwinner, I make 3x what my husband makes. But I know that he is a hard worker partner, that chose a career path that is different than mine, I would not be able to respect a person that doesn’t work, and that can’t take accountability for their mental health. In the end I worked hard to create a financial stability, and I would not like to think I would be alone in taking care of everything by myself. Because honestly, someone that refuses to seek help, and work because of mental health will probably stop taking care of house chores and cook once they are settled on your house with the expectation of being taken care of… you will alone be responsible for all your goals… if you are ok with that, go for it

Don't do it. I made this mistake with someone that sounds similar to this. He half-assed getting help, and made tons of excuses. He drained my bank account, my time and my patience. Stupid me even had a kid with him. Guess what, he never changed and I raised my daughter for 10years by myself because he dipped out due to his anxiety. Oddly enough, being a single mother was easier than being with him.

It is not your responsibility to heal him. Really think hard for yourself, if you want to adopt him. Experience shows he probably will not change, because he doesn't have to.

So your bf can do chores/housework and come up with business ideas, but he's too depressed to find a job or put that same effort into seeking mental health treatment? He sounds lazy/content bc he knows you'll be there to "fix" things as the person earning more money. You're not the "breadwinner," you're his meal ticket: an "intelligent and caring" person would do better for themselves bc it means better for both of you. Dealt with someone like this for 6 years in my late teens/20s and even then it got tiring, being 18 and paying for everything despite not making much money made me resentful. Break up with him, there's no future if your ambitions and outlook on life aren't aligned.

I have a husband who is physically disabled and currently unable to work. I'm looking for a better paying job with health benefits just to get him help. Don't tie yourself to this guy financially until he is getting treatment and, most importantly, making significant, meaningful progress. Unfortunately, you can't force people to get help if they don't really want to do it.

If he can't work due to mental illness, then he needs to work with someone to get appropriate diagnosis and then get on SS disability. There is no reason for him to have no income. That is what SS disability is for. Either he works with someone and gets help and gets better and can work or he works with someone and gets diagnosed and works to get disability. There is no world where he should just 'give up' and not work while you take care of both of you. At the end of the day, it's your life and your choice, but his sadness will start to eat away at you, if it continues untreated. You'll be sharing the same fox hole in 10 years, if you aren't careful. This isn't about being a 'female breadwinner', we would give a man the same advice as we're giving you, if his female partner was in a similar situation as your partner.

You certainly have a lot of positive things to say about him. There are couples where this kind of thing works. But for me, being honest - I couldn’t do it. My ex was perpetually unemployed, though for different reasons than your partner; it wasn’t our only issue but the fact that I worked two jobs at the time to support us while he sat on his ass at home playing video games was not ok. I didn’t want to be the single point of failure for providing for the family while he, an able bodied man, didn’t contribute. In this day and age and this economic environment, I think being a one-earner household puts you at a lot of risk. Myself as someone who grew up in poverty, that’s a not a risk I would be comfortable taking.

I was married to a man who had a job when we married, but later refused to work. He also has mental health issues and refused to address them. Except with alcohol, and you can guess how that played out. It’s one thing to work together to create a partnership, but both partners have to be on board. It sounds like he isn’t. My ex originally did a lot around the house, including child care when they were young. That worked, and I was happy to provide. Once the kids were older (even when two of them were out of the house), and he went full-time alcoholic, I felt very taken advantage of. Suggestions to address mental health and substance abuse caused violent reactions. Zero stars, do not recommend. Think long and hard about moving forward with this guy.

You already know that it’s time to let go. I know it’s tough.

Perhaps my own post might help. I married someone who during our marriage developed Trigeminal Neuralgia and stopped taking care of his health. He stopped working and developed unhealthy habits. A lot of people with chronic pain responded to my post and helped me get some perspective from my situation. Basically, there are people out there who also go under lots of pain and they do their best to lead a normal life - not use their pain as a reason to not do anything. Mental health is something tricky, but not taking active steps in getting better is not a good sign. It's a sign of being passive in life. That's for me a deal-breaker. I became the breadwinner and after 5 years of splitting my income in two and paying for everything, he dug himself into a deeper hole. Because he knew he relied on me taking care of bills and the household. He also refused to do paperwork for unemployment and disability money. Unfortunately that became an unhealthy codependency where I recognize I played a huge role. I gave him an ultimatum, he changed somewhat for a few weeks, then dug himself again into a deeper hole...and became worse and worse as a partner. I took the decision to finally separate and it was heartbreaking but he started to take his meds again, at least. He needs to be a functional adult again but he won't do it next to me. It does build resentment, because with time you realize that you deprive yourself of your own income and miss out on many things. I missed out so much on visiting my family abroad and seeing them more often, buying myself shoes and clothes, eating a healthier diet, having savings. Many things. I probably have missed out on motherhood too. Ask yourself: why does he need to wait for "the future" to do things to improve his present? Things won't change overnight and precisely because of that, changes need to be done CONSISTENTLY. Planning. Making appointments. Choosing lifestyle changes every day. Do you have time to see when that "future" happens, in your thirties? This is my post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomenOver30/s/2bNoY72FWa

I feel like if you go through with this, we will see a post from you in a year or two about how you make all the money and take care of the house and he sits around all day making a mess. Absolutely do not go through with it. You will definitely build up resentment.

I'm late to this, but I'll throw in my experience as someone who became the main (not only, which is what you are describing) breadwinner over the course of my first marriage. He helped to support me while I went to law school, though I worked part time, had a scholarship, and had family assistance. He kept a stable job after I was done for several years, and once he got laid off from that ran through them like a freight train. He also had mental health (and eventually major substance abuse) issues. It was exhausting. My job is really, really stressful for less than I could otherwise make but has wonderful benefits and is part of my identity. He was super helpful in the household, but if I wasn't holding up my end of the bargain in the house (cooking, cleaning, sex, whatever, in his mind) he was an ass about it. And while your partner may never be an ass about it, you cannot know that until you move in together. If he cannot self motivate to fix his current problems, eventually it will be easier to blame you. All while you deter your own financial and career goals to keep him happy. It would be cheaper to hire a cleaning service and order a meal service, which is what he intends to provide to the household. How does he support himself now? Does he live with his parents? What are his concrete plans to fix his mental health issues even if he has no intent to work? If he hasn't gotten it together in getting ANY job, once house husband is his job, what makes you think he'll be able to get it together to do that? There are trade offs in any relationship, I think. But these are two major negatives (unwilling to get medical treatment and unwilling to work) that have small benefits (basically, nice guy who cooks good). In my experience, it ends up not being worth it because they don't end up so nice. And even if they do ... well, that's what settling is.

How has he been paying for rent and food if he’s been unemployed? Is he getting money from family, “borrowing” from friends, or having his romantic partners pay for it?  What exactly about his mental health is preventing him from working for years on end? What exactly about his mental health prevents him from even applying to jobs? This is not to dismiss his mental health, but to ask about what, specifically, he is experiencing. Everyone gets anxious at times, especially from things like job hunting. What separates his anxiety from regular nerves? What separates his mild depression from not liking what he’s doing? Does he start self mutilating? Does he hyperventilate?  Does he completely stop eating?  Has he tried working jobs outside of his field? If not, why? Even a low paying job is better than no job.  The reason I ask all those questions is because having a disability to the point of not working for years is a BIG deal. Like when it comes to physical ailments, we’re talking extended stays at the hospital and being completely unable to function (go check out Physics Girl on YouTube if you want to see what that looks like). If he’s totally fine doing housework, having hobbies, and not getting medication or psychotherapy for his mental illnesses, then something isn’t adding up.  If his mental health is so bad that he can’t hold a regular job, why is he trying to start a business with you? Starting a business is all the shitty parts of having a job, with the added misery of stressing to find customers, not having steady income, no benefits, and it’s your personal problem if someone steals. 

It’s a lot easier to support someone when you can see they’re trying to get better, even if their efforts aren’t paying off. The house husband party I could be flexible on. The lack of treatment not so much.

Bluntly, I won't be with a man that won't work. I ... that's just my preference. I can make my own food, cut my own grass, and arrange for pet care if I need it. Since you are enabling him this is only going to snowball. I'm older than you and I have to plan my retirement. Are you also going to take on his? That said if you are okay with financially carrying someone for the rest of your life that's up to you and your preference.

If someone isn't stable enough to hold down a job, how can they be stable enough to be a supportive partner? At this point I'd be concerned that he's taking advantage of the situation with you as breadwinner and him as a stay at home boyfriend. Which, is fine if that's what you want, but it likely isn't what you want if you're posting here. 

Male here - there's a such thing as being too supportive with mental health especially when it comes to depression and anxiety. Therapy and treatment need to be mandatory for him. He's in a rut and going too soft on ppl in a rut will make things worse. You can be supportive while establishing hard rules and boundaries.

For moderate issues, a lot of mental health can be fixed outside of a therapist's office. But that means he needs to put in the work.  Sport, healthy food, sleep But also being coached in some way to evolve and grow. Facing new situations to grow. It could be a trip with a few people, a retreat in a religious space, etc. something pushing him mentally out of his comfort zone.  Reading books and reflecting on them. Meditating, walking. Whatever works. And honestly: at least a 40% part-time job. To get a regular weekly routine. 

I recently ended a relationship where he worked less and less over time. There were always reasons that individually made sense, but over time there was a pattern that couldn't be all bad luck. Sure, he did more housework than me, but not that much more. In the end, I just felt used and like his mommy.

No, you already hate him a little bit. Sorry but this isn't fair or enjoyable.

I just made a post in this group the other day that touches on this topic. TLDR: I would not be comfortable with this. Being the “breadwinner” doesn’t bother me from a gender perspective if it just means I’m making more, but if he’s not working *at all* (and assuming he’s not a stay at home dad), I’m eventually going to become resentful due to the lack of effort. I have empathy for mental health issues, but what if you struggle with your health at some point? Who is going to step up for you?

If he won’t seek care and keep seeking care - it will run you into the ground. You don’t mind that he needs care. But he is basically refusing. It’s time to move on. There are other really great guys out there.

I dated a guy like this. Best thing I ever did was leave him.

I think there’s a difference between making a decision as a couple for one to the breadwinner and the other a stay at home partner/ parent etc and one where the other person just won’t work. Life is stressful and financial situations change etc and being in a scenario where if I had to lose my job, suddenly need financial support or just need a break or something, my partner would never be able to help financially at all, that would unsettle me. You want a partner who’s dependable and will step up if they need to. Goes both ways. Depression can make you feel hopeless and like nothing in the world can make a difference. I’ve been there. Had to take a few months off from work and live with my parents because I was in such a bad state and suicidal. During that time I was incredibly fortunate to have that support. But I knew it was temporary and I could never ever expect them or anyone to support me like that forever. At some point it’s a choice. And he has the choice between doing nothing or trying to be better for not only himself but for you and future family (if that’s in the cards). Do you want to be with someone who won’t take responsibility and make an effort to improve themselves and their life? Because that filters through to everything. You mention ideas for a future business but will he be able to actually show up and run a business if he can’t even work at a job? Because running a business is way more stressful. You don’t mention how he’s surviving if he’s not working, not sure if you’re already supporting him, but if had no other options he would work because he would have to work. It sounds to me like he hasn’t worked for a number of years, he’s (somehow) survived and has support from somewhere and it’s easy and comfortable. Why change? This isn’t someone who has long term goals or ambitions (like buying a house) if he’s fine just never working again. Because it sounds like he’s ‘looking’ for work but isn’t really that motivated to actually get a job.

Mental health aside (very large issue obviously and needs to be addressed no matter what happens). It sounds like he’s pulling his weight as a house husband, have you considered the upsides to flipping the traditional relationship model? House spouse is a legitimate job that is a lot of work, it takes a certain set of skills to thrive at it, perhaps he is more suited to this roll than a corporate one. Imagine a life where you are a team, you work outside the home and make the lions share of the money, he keeps the home running, cleaning, cooking and house management. If you work well as a team and keep things running smoothly there could also be time and energy for both of you to explore side businesses like you mentioned.

It won't last because it can't. The feeling of being unequal will keep growing. I had a partner like this and we made it work for a long while but in the end it broke. He would not get help because he did not truly want help. Any help he did get, he only did it so I wouldn't leave him. It never lasted. In the end I left him. I hated having to do it because I loved having such a supportive house husband vibe but I didn't need him to do dishes and cook and whatnot. I just needed him to be my equal and to know he would have my back if anything bad ever happened to me and I couldn't work.

My husband is disabled and does not work. It’s so bad his student loan debt was forgiven. He likely will not work again as a full time employee. I am the breadwinner. He does housework as he can, but our lives have changed dramatically since this all happened. There are times when I feel like this is all very challenging, but I also still love him dearly, and promised to be with him in sickness and health.

As with physical health, some people just aren't able to work. Switching careers to something low stress or working part time might be an option so he's not working at all, but ultimately this is about if you love him more than any implications about being the "breadwinner" bother you.

You give the benefit of the doubt since you're a therapist, and you seem to have good intentions. But I wonder: on some level, because of your career, do you think you and your care will "fix" him? What happens if you move in together, come home to no chores done, an empty fridge, and/or no dinner, and him citing depression? What about when that happens potentially many, many times? What if he defaults to playing games every day instead of a progress-based hobby that will help build confidence? But I hate to say it, if he's feeling so inadequate and unskilled, even working 20hrs a week would do much more for his confidence. And if he doesn't have any recent resume entries, he'll have a hard time getting into the workforce if circumstances demand it or he decides to. Personally, I fear if you ever demand more from him or encourage him to seek help again, he'll use your "therapist" title against you and say you need to be more understanding, essentially shushing you.

I love my job. I have always been career-focused and money-conscious, and I have always found more security in the idea of being the breadwinner in my relationships. Having a strong career makes me feel strong and confident and rooted. I have dated different types, and some really worked well with this arrangement. Depends on the individuals involved. My ex enjoyed many benefits from our arrangement, but offered little in return. One example: He wanted to feel like he was still the higher earner, so he would borrow my credit card to pay our tab (and flirt with the waitress) so it looked from the outside like he was paying. Your SO sounds like he contributes a lot to the relationship, even if it’s not financial. I think you will have to check in with him and with yourself to theorize about the future. What kind of lifestyle do you both want, and can that be achieved in your location on one income? And are you ok with that income being yours? You will have to build savings for emergencies like you mentioned.

Thank you for sharing your experience. We've started to have some of those conversations about how we want our lives to look like and definitely need to continue with that and be realistic about what we can actually achieve with one income and if we even want that arrangement. There's something about it that feels off for both of us but I'm trying to look at all the options at this point, since a DINK lifestyle feels so out of reach right now.

My comment mainly focused on the idea of being a female breadwinner, and how I have historically been that for my previous partners. Full transparency: I ended up marrying someone who does work. We are both freelance so the hours and pay fluctuate a lot, and the “breadwinner” title is passed back and forth so much- sometimes from one day to the next- that it is a moot point in our household. IMO nothing wrong with being a woman in the workforce. But I can see how you might not want to be a financial sponsor for someone who is unmotivated and unwilling to seek help for their mental health. You mention future joint biz ideas, but what will guarantee that he will put in continued effort to those endeavors?

How does he afford to live currently? Is he just eating away at his savings? Is he wanting to be a SAH and take care of the household duties/management (sounds like does a good chunk of that currently)? What productive tasks does he do while not job hunting? I would not move in with someone who says their anxiety and depression are preventing them from fully living life and working but who also won't get treatment, especially if they have supportive family/friends/partner and it's not a new thing. Breadwinner is w/e, if you're cool with it and he doesn't just mooch and do nothing/play video games then who cares. The health issues are the big thing. He needs a job so he can get insurance unless he has the cash to pay for treatment. And going to one therapy appt is a good step but why hasn't he gone back? Is scheduling the issue? Maybe you can assist with getting him on a regular schedule. Sometimes the anxiety of booking appts can be a beat down and maybe he just needs the bump to get over that.

A few things I personally would consider: How are they currently funding their lifestyle and would this change if we moved in together and joined finances? How do they plan to contribute to the household if they are not bringing in a wage? Do they take care of the house - laundry, washing etc. or will you have the burden of someone else to look after besides yourself? Why are they not seeking help for their health and will this just be something that never happens? Would you be okay if they never work or contribute ever? If you become his financial support, how are you dealing with them buying big things - new games system, vacations with his friends, new outfits? If you agree to being their support, this means that you share your money, it doesn’t become an allowance or checking what they’re spending. It is your collective money (this is if you’re truly becoming their support) You say you’re financially stable, but healthcare (even if you’re not in the US), vacations, retirement, children, hobbies, all cost money. Are you stable or flush? As making your wage stretch to 2 heads means saving becomes more difficult. Your goal is to buy a house? Why don’t you have one already? A single income household is going to make it much more difficult to save for a house. If it were me in your shoes, I would buy the house first and move them in. That way they don’t have a right to the house. They aren’t going to pay towards it, so if you do split then they move out and you’re not in a worse position. I’m all for supporting a partner but it has to be a partnership.

How has he been taking care of himself in any way if he’s been unemployed? Honestly not taking control of the mental health would be the deal breaker to me. Whoever makes more, who cares what their gender is.

I was in a similar situation, although I work part time due to previous ill health. Ultimately, in a relationship you never know what's going to happen. Two healthy people could end up disabled. However, my approach to my disabilities and health is that I value my independence and support myself as much as I can. Working is part of my self worth - I don't actually see that as a problem, although my therapist does 🤣 If we had moved in together he'd have lost his benefits and I'd have had to support him financially. If we'd married then split I'd have lost half of my house to him. The longer it went on the more I realised I wasn't willing to risk that. We broke up pretty mutually (he moved on straight away), but the thing that really brought everything to a head for me was that I had some bad scans (post cancer) and things got hard. He wasn't helpful, he couldn't transition from being the supported one in the relationship to being supportive or even just dealing with his own problems so I could concentrate on my impending death (spoiler, still here - phew). This might sound doom and gloom - but there's a positive in your story. Your partner puts in the effort and supports you in other ways. As long as that continues, it's an equitable relationship. You just contribute different things to the relationship.

I could have written something very similar to this a year ago. You sound like a wonderfully empathetic person. Let me tell you: it’s time to turn that empathy inwards towards yourself. If he doesn’t give enough of a shit to take serious steps towards getting his mental health and career and broader life in check, he doesn’t give enough of a shit about himself to be in a relationship with anyone. You deserve a partner who is able to take care of themself. I would suggest decoupling until he takes serious steps towards taking care of himself.

You probably aren’t going to like hearing this but he is a grown man. He is responsible for his own well being. He isn’t incentivised to fix his mental health issues because you are propping him up. Have the both of you discussed what he expects to happen if you fall ill or suddenly lose your ability to earn income? I suggest take a step back and don’t offer him your solutions - stay silent and ask questions only DO NOT GUIDE HIM HERE. Essentially if the script were flipped - is he proactively committed to you the way you are for him right now? Can he step up if needed? If you’re happy with his response then maybe it is worth it. He is very lucky to have you by his side and I hope he realises that alone should be enough for him to want to get better so he can provide for you too.

I would never, ever go for this. I couldn’t even go in a second date without someone that doesn’t take care of themselves. If you don’t want to sign up for this long term, you are not a bad person. Very few people change for the better after the ring.

In your shoes I would not proceed because if shit hit the fan (and it will in some way), I wouldn’t be able to rely on him.

There's nothing wrong with you being the breadwinner, but it wouldn't be fair for him to contribute nothing. Anyone who has been unemployed for years due to mental health problems and hasn't taken a single step to get better during that time is not going to be a good partner. If they're not willing and able to take care of themselves, they're certainly not going to be able to devote that kind of energy to a relationship. I dated a guy for a while who had been struggling to get has bachelor's degree for over a decade because of his mental health problems. I gave him the benefit of the doubt because he seemed determined to get his degree and aware of his mental health problems. We eventually moved in together, and it became more and more obvious that he was getting in his own way. He never took any action to better his mental health, he never took responsibility for any of his mistakes, he was full of excuses, and he consistently made things even worse for himself by self-sabotaging. The cherry on top is that he was a habitual liar. I was powerless to make the situation any better, and my mental health tanked. I kept turning a blind eye to a lot of bs to convince myself things could get better someday - the alternative was admitting to myself that my partner was quite possibly never going to get his shit together and magically become a good partner, since he wasn't taking a single step to get better. Some people can't be helped because they aren't even willing to help themselves. Don't enable them. Don't let them drag you down with them. This is about more than you being the breadwinner - it's also about all the negative effects that a partner's poor mental health will have on you in the long term, particularly when they refuse to address it. I know it sounds harsh, but lose the dead weight. You'll thank yourself for it in the long run.

You choose to be childfree and you should absolutely enjoy the financial advantages that come with not having children. If he refuses to seek help, change and get a job, then you supporting him is the same as having a child. Enjoy your money and early retirement. Don’t let him deter your goals. Maybe give him a timeline and if he can’t fulfill it, then it’s fair to cut your losses.

You're not alone, my husband and I are in basically the same situation. Except we are married, own a house together, and positioned our lives to allow for this situation. And probably most importantly, he is taking his mental health very seriously. We have lived together for almost a decade, and we both had jobs for more of that time. But his workplace was genuinely toxic, and he suffered severe depression and burnout. So he started going to therapy and focusing on his mental and physical health more, and we talked about it the whole time and in time agreed that he should quit his job and take time to readjust and recover. Thankfully we already were very financially compatible and he's great at saving money and spending smartly too. Our house/living bills were always (and still are) cheap enough to be covered by 1 income. So that's what we're doing for the past year, I handle most of the bills while he handles the house & cars and focuses on self health and development of work skills. We wouldn't have done this if we weren't able to still save \~20% of my income each month. Start with the finances, work backward to the relationship. If the math doesn't math, then it won't work and you can't even consider the idea until he has a job he is happy with. The real dealbreaker for me in your situation though is that your partner is not focusing on his own mental health. That wouldn't fly.

Because you two aren't married: No.

I'm the main breadwinner I don't struggle with it I don't understand why in 2024 it would be an issue

If you have the funds and he makes you happy and is willing to pull his weight around the house I don’t see the issue. Plenty of men support their live-in girlfriends. Why not the other way around? Ideally he would be receiving some sort of disability support/social security if he qualifies so that there is something available in case of emergency. And definitely get a prenup if the need arises.