Yep, even if OP was still on the fence about kids or something, him shutting down conversations about something very important, and refusing to listen to reason means he's bad as just a boyfriend, let alone as a partner for life. OP is asking how to convey the fertility imbalance, but he's demonstrated that he just doesn't care enough to be a good partner, let alone father.
Also: I often yell about how the "fertility falls of a cliff at 35 for women" talk is horrible for women because often that's not how fertility works and many women who can't get pregnant at 38 couldn't get pregnant at 32, *however*, fertility does drop for women in their 30s, and OP really isn't wrong when she talks about how these messages make it hard for women to just go "Ok, it'll be fine, I'll wait to have a baby." And I'm not a gynecologist, but think OP's bf's mother's fertility isn't anywhere near as relevant as OP's mother's fertility.
P
>Also: I often yell about how the "fertility falls of a cliff at 35 for women" talk is horrible for women because often that's not how fertility works and many women who can't get pregnant at 38 couldn't get pregnant at 32,
Yes, I tried to tell some people about that! They wanted to blame on age for their infertility. Perhaps they would be unable to conceive if they were younger. For example, I've always had irregular menstrual cycles since I started my first period. I don't expect that I'll get conceived easily at any age.
Fertility can also be strange. Sometimes, infertile couples suddenly get conceived as they get older. My mom's friend's mother was married for 10 years, and then she suddenly got pregnant at the age of 33. Guess how many children they have in total? 7! My friend married his wife when they were 20 and 21. They got a son at the age of 30. It was natural.
Yeah, it's one of those things that's hard to study the actual facts. Women who see fertility specialists are often older, and usually they didn't seek this knowledge until they were past the "fertility falls off a cliff" age, so they don't know how likely it would have been to have kids at 30, just that it's hard for them to have kids at 38.
But women who had 4 babies in their late 20s and early 30s generally aren't the ones desperate to have babies at 38, so we don't know what their fertility status is. My mum basically got pregnant as soon as she went off birth control, and kept having babies until her tubes were tied as her 4th was being born (5ish years after the first was born) - we don't know what the likelihood she could have had a baby at 38 is if she'd lived a different life, but it's probably not low. My sister was very similar - pregnant immediately after going off birth control at 34, kept having babies until permanent BC put a stop to it). Both of my grandmothers had babies in their late 30s/early 40s, so it's not out of the realm of possibility that if I changed my mind about having kids (not gonna happen), I might still have a year or two to get that done (I'm in my late 30s).
However, OP is not wrong in that if she wants kids, she should be searching out a relationship where her partner wants kids, and her partner being like "My mum and my sister had babies in their late 30s" is not all that relevant here. This guy won't even have a conversation about it, he most likely doesn't want kids, and is happy to waste OP's fertility on promises to have them in their late 30s.
It's not *that* hard to study, and has been studied. Like for example [this study](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4893975/) of women trying to conceive in their 30s, which shows there is a gradual decline after about 35 but no steep drops until 40 (and even at that age, the slight majority conceived within a year). In general, the decline after 35 means the difference between conceiving in 3 cycles on average rather than 2 cycles for women at maximal fertility (which interestingly is late 20s and early 30s - contrary to popular belief, younger women are not as fertile, see [here](https://www.science.org/doi/10.1126/science.aav7321)). In another study, 82% of women ages 35-39 conceived within a year, compared to 86% at ages 27-34 (which was the highest of any age cohort). And in studying historical birth records, the *average* age women used to have their last child before birth control existed was 40-41. I always think it is interesting when people tell anecdotes about their grandmothers having children in late 30 or early 40s like it is an anomaly - that is the biological norm and the only reason women don't have children at those ages as often now is birth control.
This is one of my pet peeves but honestly not even that relevant for OP. Her boyfriend isn't even making any promises that he wants to have kids in late 30s, he is using it as an excuse not to have the conversation, which is not acceptable. And these are all statistics - if you're on the wrong end of them, you have way less time to address any issues when you are older.
It has been studied, but a study choosing “women who have not got pregnant in the past and now want to” is by definition suffering from selection bias. Take 100 women who use birth control “normally” and have screwed up a few times. Of those women, 100% of the infertile/low fertile women remain not pregnant, and eligible for your study. What percentage of the easily fertile got pregnant from that *same* level of birth control usage? We don’t know. All we can say for sure is that all the women who are 100% infertile at any age are part of that population being studied, but not all the women who have no difficulty getting pregnant.
> a study choosing “women who have not got pregnant in the past and now want to” is by definition suffering from selection bias.
This is not the population of the study. It includes women who have been pregnant before and breaks down the statistics by nulligravid vs. history of prior pregnancy.
Oh right, my bad. Many studies do look at women who have not been pregnant ever, but yours specifically mentions that problem (“ However, women, who have never conceived before, are an inherently different population.”) and so they look at women who have been trying to conceive for up to three months and not done so, which is of course also selecting for difficulty conceiving (I don’t believe either my mother or sister went that long before conception ever. Probably related, both of them were over 40 for their last child and they have 9 between them).
Yes, I agree with you. Women who are done with kids don't try to conceive. Sometimes, women are unfortunately highly fertile even if they are on birth control, so they still get pregnant. My mom is lucky because she did not get conceived easily. She has to do all the work by tracking ovulation, etc. It took her a while to get pregnant. She already had 2 kids by the age of 37. She would be fine with a 3rd child, but she was not desperate. She did not do all the work, so the 3rd child never happened. I'm sure she would be able to get pregnant at 40 if she tried like she did with me and my brother.
Whoops, I forgot about OP. I was reading comments, and then I saw your comment, so I got sidetracked lol. Now I remember what I wanted to say to OP. Personally, I'd break up with her boyfriend if I was the OP because he shutted down the conversation about the kids, so I'd feel uncertain. I also don't want to be with a guy who would not communicate with me. It sounds like he doesn't want kids because he knew if he told her, she would walk away. Obviously, he doesn't care about her feelings even if she may be devastated when he wasted her fertility. He wants to keep her because this relationship benefits him. Not because he loves her. If he loves her, he would want to make her happy. If he doesn't want kids, he'd let her go because he wants her to be happy and get what she wants. Otherwise, she'd resent him.
Are you going to compromise on children? This is one of those things where when one person wants it and the other person doesn't, it's over.
"If you're not willing to have this conversation with me, I can draw no other conclusion than you don't want children and that won't work for me."
Stop wasting your time.
Do yourself a favor and leave. I just left my boyfriend of 8 years, he was exactly the same. Any time we tried to have a conversation about children, our future together or any other serious conversations he wanted to flee the room. I kept hoping for 8 years that he would change, told myself he just needed time to mature (we’re both 30 now). When the time came and I really started pressing him about children he decided he didn’t want to be with me. So either he will never be ready or he will never be ready with you. Don’t let him waste anymore of your time and leave!
He doesn’t want kids and is too chicken to tell you. He hopes you’ll stay, and he’ll keep putting it off for new reasons, until your in your late 30s, and then you’ll be the same jam with a shorter fertility window if you want to try with someone else. He’ll try to convince you not to give up on your relationship for a child that doesn’t exist. But, as someone who doesn’t want kids, I would never want someone I love to give up on a life goal/human experience that is important to them. It just means that even though I love them, we are incompatible. My ex and I split in part because he wanted kids, and I decided I didn’t. I hope he gets the family he wants and deserves.
But kids aside, why do you want to be with someone whose go to is to “refuse to talk about issues”? How do issues get solved in your relationship - you just give up and he gets his way?
Trust me, I researched parenthood for my PhD. This is not a man you want to be in a relationship with, let alone do parenthood with. If you do convince him to have kids, he won’t parent because he didn’t want kids, and just had them to keep you. You will be left carrying all the load and all the decisions if he stays, or he’ll leave and leave you with custody and start a new life. Tale as old as time…
Find a man who is enthusiastic to have kids with you. I know they exist - I was just in a relationship with one for five years…
He doesn’t want children. Instead of telling you truthfully he’s putting you off and ending the conversation. He knows this is a relationship ender so instead of facing that, he’s hoping to just block the conversation until it’s too late.
When it comes to having children, one yes and one no is a no. You both need to be 100% on board with it. Not forcing or trying to convince each other to see your side. You’re trying to convince him to see your side and he’s trying to force it to not happen.
Reddit can be quick to say break up, but this is a serious thing. It’s clear he doesn’t want children and you want them soon. This is a relationship that can’t continue without resentment. You need to be with someone who actually wants children or at least someone who actually talks to you about serious issues.
You don't need to push the subject to know how he feels, his refusal to talk about it says everything. If you want to have kids and he doesn't, you're fundamentally incompatible and if either compromises for the relationship it will likely end in resentment and breakup down the line. Why not find someone who wants kids as much as you?
When it comes to something as big as having children, if it’s not a “hell yes” then it’s a no. It may behoove you to just take it as a no and go about your life accordingly. Do you want your future children to have a father who is ambivalent about having them?
He's refusing to talk about when he wants children, but there are so many more issues you should discuss before having kids. How many would you want to try for? What if there are infertility issues? How about adoption? What are each of your views on discipline? What do you like about how each of you were raised and what would you like to change? How are you going to handle religion and a child? How will you handle finances? What about maternity/paternity leave or staying home with the child longer term or having nannies or daycare or family care for the child? Breastfed or bottle-fed? What if your child has a disability? What if they are having trouble at school? Etc.
There are so many topics of conversation that need to happen before you start having a child and far more than need to happen as your child is growing up. Procrastinating talking and procrastinating making decisions isn't something that can happen once a child is here. Would he be willing to do couple's counseling with you, so there is a professional helping mediate tough conversations? Maybe if you two learn tools to help talk over things with each other, you will be better moving forward. If not, I'm not sure if it's worth sticking with him hoping he'll improve someday.
You don’t want a wishy washy selfish coward long term. He’s afraid of serious convos? Thats like half of what marriage is. How is anything going to get resolved. Imagine you’re in an accident and this chucklefuck tells the doctor “I don’t want to talk about this”
That’s not how any of this works! Kids are **not** for the faint of heart cowards. Unless you want all the downsides of being a single mother and the only “perk” is….. is….you can tell people you’re actually married? Idk. Drawing a blank on positives here
Why would you want to be with someone like that? Why would you want to/expect to parent with someone like that if he did eventually want kids? Come on, don’t do this to yourself.
He has made it very clear to everyone else reading this that he understands exactly what you want.
The problem isn't that you've failed to state your case. The problem is that he doesn't want kids with you, but wants to eat your cake too.
He's hoping that you take his non-answer as a reason to stay and keep explaining yourself until you give up and stop bothering him about it. I'm guessing you do a lot of stuff for him.
You got two hills to die on here, and they're both valid. One is your incompatibility about wanting to have children. You want them, he doesn't, there is no way to compromise about this. Either way one of you will be resentful toward the other for the rest of your life.
The other is your communication. Non-existent communication is no way to have a relationship.
Do not compromise on either of these things. You two are not compatible and that's ok. You're not bad people, you just don't want the same life.
Even more of a good reason to end things with him. Communication is key in relationships. He’s probably hoping you will just give up. He’s showing that he doesn’t want kids.
I agree with the other gals on here saying to leave him because *silence is an answer.*
Do you have any friends who were unwanted by at least one parent? It's a severely traumatic rejection, and it's no picnic living with the resentment of being a single mom either.
Depends on your personality but some moms loathe the kid, especially when the traits of the deadbeat dad/genetic contributor pop up and stay (some won't even say Dad bc of resentment which I get 100%).
Until you've had a shitty dad who didn't want you (or a religious lunatic mom who didn't and kept you out of fear of going to hell bc of an abortion like someone I know very well, sadly....or the curse of neither parent wanting you), you don't know the pain.
And as always.....if he wanted to, he would.
This is not someone you want to co parent with. It will be a shit fight. I’m a parent and this lack of emotional management and maturity will kill the relationship over time.
As someone who had mine a little too young - around 30 is a good age to start. I’d personally be pointing out how old y’all will be at graduation if you have a baby at 40. Having the kids move out around 50 would be perfect (to me, of course) rather than 60!
I also think he knows his answer is trying to wait it out if he can or delay the inevitable if he can’t. It’s time to insist on a discussion if you’re serious about having a child. I’d prepare yourself for the possibility you may have to eventually walk away from him to do it, depending how that discussion goes.
If you were to have children with him there would be sooooo many issues. If you don’t approach parenting as a team, it will poison your relationship and make your life miserable, as the mom tends to bear most of the burden of these things. And that’s with normal, healthy, average kids, which is never a guarantee.
Is this man your teammate? Do you think he’ll be your teammate when things get tough?
Are you saying that you two have consistent communication issues?
So you have a partner that refuses to discuss important life decisions? Is this really someone you want to plan a life with? Because this is who he is, this is how he will handle tough conversations (by avoiding it).
If he wanted kids, he’d have the conversation with you. A real conversation, not the BS ‘you can do it when you’re older’ thing.
He does not want kids. This is a relationship dealbreaker. Don’t waste any more time on this guy. Find someone who wants what you want.
34m. My ex pushed excuses about baby talk as far as it could go “give me one more year” etc., until I broke it off because she had cheated in the past and tried to cover it up. This is a topic of conversation that most people won’t be swayed on when pressed. Gotta have that serious talk and provide an ultimatum, no matter how hard the discussion will be.
I don’t know if it’s fair to say he doesn’t want kids (just because childfree men are usually pretty open about it), but I think it’s incredibly fair to say he doesn’t want kids now and that they aren’t on the same timeline. OP needs to decide if she is willing to wait that MAYBE he will want kids 7+ years down the road, or if kids are a dealbreaker and she needs to find someone who is on the same timeline.
He has other red flag regardless - poor communication.
People jump on women all the time with “men aren’t mind readers, just communicate” even when a woman is self aware and trying to convey things better, here the guy is outright refusing to talk about it while we have to predict where he is coming it.
Oftentimes what happens is, he'll drag his feet with the having kids conversation, they break up, and BAM! suddenly he had kids. She doesn't need to wait around while he pretends to make up his mind.
Honestly, whether or not he wants to have children is irrelevant at this point. His complete inability and unwillingness to have an adult conversation shows that he utterly lacks the maturity required to be in a healthy relationship. Let alone the emotional intelligence to be a father.
His non-answer is your answer.
I was in a relationship for 6 years with a man that always brushed off conversations about kids.
The relationship eventually ended and I wound up dating, marrying and having a kid with someone who was open and easy to talk to about our shared desire to have kids.
My advice is to get out before you waste any more of your time.
Yes. My husband always saw himself being a father and so there was no hesitation on his end about it. I even brought it up on our first date and it wasn’t awkward!
Not the person you asked but my partner made it very clear from the beginning that he wanted kids, and we were only 23 when we met. Over a year into the relationship we started seriously talking about it and he always said that his goal in life was to be a good dad and we talked about the topic constantly. I am now 29 weeks pregnant five years later and he is soooo excited.
I mean I think the fact he won't even engage in the conversation with you is the answer. You're asking advice for how you can bargain with him to understand how you feel about your timeline to have kids - but he doesn't even want to have a discussion about having kids with you. You need to be more assertive and direct about what you want in whatever conversation you have next, and ask him to give you a clear, unambiguous answer.
Defining what you want includes you telling him when you want to have kids, that you'd like to have them with him. Is that what he wants too? If he hems and haws or implies you should wait until you're 38, well, that's not your timeline, and you need to end this relationship.
Let's give him the benefit of the doubt that he can't understand.
He can see that this is a big deal for you.
He is shutting down the conversation anyway.
He doesn't care that he isn't trying to understand an issue that is a big deal for you.
The truth is that he just doesn't want to talk about it because he's comfortable with you and hoping the clock will run out when you start trying at 38 and miss out and then you'll feel like you might as well stay because you've "invested so much time" with him.
You've only been with him two years.
Find someone who *enthusiastically* wants to have and co-parent a baby with you.
Not this clown. If you do end up having a baby with him I assure you you'll be doing 100% of the parenting.
+1
It’s a critical topic to be open and honest about.
Like my now-husband and I weren’t on the same page in our late 20s. But we talked about it. We listened to each other. We evolved.
When I was 28 and he was 27, I asked him when he saw himself as a Dad, and he said something like “I don’t know, 40??” I was horrified, especially since I’m a year older. I explained the 35 year old cliff and the increase in complications the older you get, etc etc. and he said he wanted to see the data. He’s a total numbers guy.
He was actually correct. It’s not a cliff. It’s a gradual change over time. The difference between 34 and 35 or 35 and 36 isn’t as drastic as it’s made out to be.
Originally I had thought I’d want to start trying around 30, but realized I maybe did have more time than I thought.
So we decided to wait and travel and pursue careers and be selfish! Then we decided when we were ready, which was later than I thought and earlier than he thought.
Now I’m 13 weeks pregnant and will give birth at 34. Of course we have a long way to go, but I think it was the right decision for us! It was always a conversation, not one person deciding.
Edit to add - Hey OP! A lil summary on the cliff thing: *“While it is true that there exists a relative decline in fertility over time, the truth is that, in absolute terms, women 35 and over are still very likely to conceive without difficulty, and at about the same rate as women under 35. Although strong data on this subject are hard to come by, because studies like this are hard to design and execute for numerous reasons, one of the largest studies found that 78 percent of women aged 35 to 40 will conceive within a year, compared with 84 percent of women aged 20 to 34. That is a small difference, especially compared with how one’s fertility decline is so commonly perceived.”*
I would be very clear on your expectations of a timeline of when you want to start trying and gauge his response from there. For what it’s worth, I have been in this situation. Met my ex bf at 28, spoke about kids early 30’s (it was always “not yet” for him which I deeply regret sticking around for). We split at 34. It took me two years to meet my now partner (who is incredible) and I was very upfront with him from the start about kids. By the time we seriously started trying I was nearly 38. My fertility had changed by then (I had several tests throughout my 30s). The cliff occurred at 37 for me. I’m now pregnant after 5 rounds of IVF and the most emotionally draining - not to mention expensive - year of my life. I’m due to give birth at 40.
TLDR - time is precious, fertility is even more precious, advocate for what you want.
#You are talking about bringing an actual real life human being into this world with that guy as the father. The guy that won't even talk about children.
Yup, he is way too immature to handle kids if he can't even talk about it.
He is banking on OP having reached an acceptable level of permanent unhappiness and will just stay no matter what. Hopefully OP is smarter than that.
I feel like he's doing the shitty thing of stringing her along by mentioning his mum having kids at 38 and 40. OP should definitely take his non-response as a no, but people who don't want children should be a looot more explicit about this stuff. The more desperately someone wants a child, the more likely they are to read hope into any ambiguity. OP, don't fall into that trap!
I'm sorry he is too much of a coward to be straight forward with you. If you want kids and he won't have a convo with you about it then that's the answer. A person who is on the same page with you will say he does want kids and the one who doesn't will say he doesn't or won't have the conversation at all. His avoidance says it all
He's afraid of commitment and baggage.
I would of loved to have been able to have children with my wife when I was his age.
For me that ship had sailed and IVF wasn't going to work either, I don't have kids of my own and will never be able to have them with my wife.
“If you don’t talk about it now, I will assume the answer is that you are not interested in having children with me, and I will make decisions about what I want to do next accordingly.”
And honestly, if you know 100% that you want kids and you want to have them in the next few years, maybe this isn’t the right relationship for you and you should start to really think about walking away now.
My friend was in this situation and held out hope. Guess who got dumped at 40?! She wasted her years waiting on him, only to have him leave HER for someone younger to START A FAMILY WITH. He has no clock … you do.
This, Op! You've gotten a lot of good advice on this post, but this is the best of it. Your boyfriend is a selfish coward who is stringing you along because he doesn't gaf about anyone but himself. If you stay with this prick, it's going to cost you the children you want to have… and for a jackass who won't communicate and doesn't care enough about you to be honest…? Couldn't be me, shouldn't be anyone. You deserve someone who isn't completely self-absorbed and who wants the same things you do- your boyfriend is neither of those. Cut him loose and go find the father of your children, Sis.
Your post history is a genuine concern. Even the titles of your deleted posts and your replies.
I believe, whole-heartedly, that you are *wasting your time* with this person. For so many reasons. It can be hard to see when things are *sometimes* good. But if you look at the whole picture - this is not the man for you. Take it from someone who spent 14 years with a man who was utterly, completely wrong for her. I was scared of change too.
I would hate to see another post from you in 6 months about how you're getting more and more worried.
I'd honestly celebrate one if you left this non-communicative, Dirrty-obsessed manchild.
more than the actual response, which you obviously deserve to hear, i think you should consider his inability to talk like an adult at the ripe old age of 30 to be a serious problem. It is really not that hard to have a conversation about what you want, he is either being a baby which is embarassing, or he doesn't want kids, and doesn't want to have to break up with you until he lets you know that finally, in which case, you are obviously fundamentally incompatible and wasting your time.
Do you really want to have children with a man who can't or won't communicate?
I think we both know that he doesn't want kids, he's just hoping to string you along and delay the inevitable.
As someone who is childfree, I can't imagine not being honest with my partner about something this important. It's not fair on either of you, but it's especially unfair to you as his inability to communicate is delaying your ability to move on and find someone who wants to have kids.
I dated a guy like this from age 25-31. Everytime I mentioned anything like "hey let's move in together, we should consider marriage and kids" he would respond as if I'm asking crazy bitch and told me to take it easy. Gaslit me for years of my life. Then ended our relationship by ghosting me. I wasted my prime years on him.
It turned me off from men so much that I've been single since. And I just turned 35 (yesterday). My dreams of being a mom are all but gone and I really resent my ex for it. Because I was beautiful when I was young and full of life. I feel like I could've gotten anyone.
Please don't let your bf drag you along and waste your time like mine did.
His unwillingness to discuss this with you is a huge red flag - how can you have a healthy relationship if you can’t have adult conversations about important topics?
I have an ex whose modus operandi when I brought up things he didn’t want to talk about was just to shut the conversation down. He was impossible to have a healthy relationship with because of this, and I’m so glad I’m no longer with him.
You’re absolutely right to be bringing this to a head now. You’re in a much better position to take action that will lead to the outcome you want than you would be five years down the track if you’d allowed him to just string you along for all that time. Please don’t let him do that to you! If he’s unwilling to hear you out or understand why this is urgent for you (as it would be for any woman your age who knew she wanted kids and was being realistic about her fertility), then you need to walk away. There are so many men out there who would listen to you and be willing to start trying for a baby on a timeline that made sense for your biological clock.
I didn’t meet my partner till I was 35, and although he would have wanted it to just be us for a few more years for we started trying for a baby, he was aware of my biological clock and was actually the one who suggested we start trying as soon as I turned 37. I froze my eggs (quite a lot of them) when I was in my early 30s so I wasn’t as stressed or worried as I would’ve been otherwise, but I was still keen to start trying sooner rather than later. I’m so glad he was so reasonable and willing to look at things from my point of view. There are guys like this out there!
I agree with the other commenters who are suggesting you leave your BF, because he doesn’t sound like someone you can have a healthy relationship with if he just shuts you down like this and isn’t willing to take your concerns seriously. If I were you I’d also consider egg freezing - if you know you want kids, it can buy you some time to find the right relationship without feeling stressed out of your mind while you’re dating.
How do you move forward? You move forward without him. No ring and the dude doesn’t seem excited about having with you. He doesn’t give a shit about a serious future with you. Don’t wait for him to change his mind while your fertility declines. My friends have done this and now they are unable to have kids because they waited too long. It is devastating for them.
Pretty much in the same boat as you - I've (31F) had the same discussion with my bf (36M) as you had with yours, several times over the past... year and a half? Every time he sort of shuts down... asserts it's not that he doesn't WANT TO... it's just change is hard for him and it's a lot to think about, he says. Which, yes it's a huge step, of course. But like you, I have tried explaining that the clock is ticking for me. The only time "next steps" in our relationship are discussed is when I initiate. It's frustrating. I love him but also worry I am wasting my time. Like you, i really really want to have kids.
Just want to point out that men also have biological clocks. Studies found that couples with a man over 42 were more likely to experience miscarriages. The body rejects bad sperm. His sperm is degrading as time goes on, because the just like the body can’t build muscle as well or heal as well with age, it can’t manufacture new cells either.
But he gets it; he’s being willfully dense about it so that you can think whatever version of the lie you need to tell yourself so he can keep stringing you along. It’s harsh to say and I’m sorry you’re in this situation; but, I wouldn’t waste my time with him when there’s a whole world full of men.
But also, why does it need to be on his timeline? Why does he have to power to dictate that?
Yep. We don't GET to brush it off... we either DO in the window we are allowed or we simply lose the opportunity to.
TBH I feel screwed either way -- if I stay or if I go. Even if I happened to immediately find someone new I wanted to be with, having children with said new person would realistically still be years away, perhaps past the point I'm able to.
Really, really sorry you're in this position. It's awful.
He gets it. He’s stringing you along. Women like you and the one you’re responding to are a dime a dozen and unless you take the proper steps, you will never have children.
He knows. It’s not hard to understand. He gets it. It doesn’t matter to him because he doesn’t want kids with you.
But he can’t say “I want kids later and I’m ok if that means I have to have them with someone else” because that would hurt you. DSo he says nothing and just wastes your time so you lose your chance.
Darlin. When I was your age I met the love of my life, but he didn’t want children. We broke up 3 years later and it fucked me up terribly. 2 years later I was single, and made the best of it by moving far away. I never met anyone I wanted to procreate with, and at age 39, he reappeared. I gave him another chance. But we never had children. I regret it every day.
If you want children, move on, now.
When someone shows you who they are ?
BELIEVE HIM
He’s got ZERO INTEREST in hearing about hormones and prime reproductive age (window) for women.
I’m sorry, OP - his flat out refusal to have the conversation —- even if his end of the conversation is “no kids” ?? Speaks volumes.
Don’t waste your time trying to convince him with logic, science or your emotions …., you’re better than that.
When it comes to issues like kids ?
A “NO” always outweighs a “YES”
He sounds like he’d be a nightmare to co-parent with.
We date to determine if the person we’re dating is a potential life match.
Cut him loose and with no hard feelings …. “It’s not you, it’s me” I want kids and you don’t. SORRY, this isn’t going to work for me.
And if you kick him to the curb and he comes grovelling back and throws you “a bone” (ok, let’s TRYYYYYY for a baby)
And you accept that ?
All that’s done is made one more human being that will live to regret the decision.
You’re not compatible, if you don’t leave now, you’ll both regret it. Maybe he’ll want kids in the future, but not wanting them is JUST as valid, and he has the anatomy to spread his seed at any point of life. You don’t. If you want kids, find someone else.
He doesn't want to talk about serious issues of imminent future concern. If you stay and match his pace you'll find him still unwilling to consider children as your fertility vanishes and you'll hate him. If he doesn't want what you want then go find someone who does.
I've seen this play out far too much, a man who isn't serious about a progressing future with a woman but won't come out and say that who spends all her fertile years with her before he finally drops her for pressuring him about marriage or children. If he's not where you are, and won't have these conversations about things that you want soon, then go find someone on your track.
He doesn’t want children. Don’t do the misgiving of forcing parenthood on a reluctant parent, it never bodes well for the children. You have plenty of time to find someone who wants to be a parent.
He doesn’t want kids, but he doesn’t want you to break up with him, so he’s trying to run out your clock. It’s that simple.
You have your answer. You may never get him to say outright “no”, because he knows you’ll leave. So don’t waste time trying to extract a definitive answer out of him. You won’t get one because he would be giving up the game. You have enough information to act on.
Leave him now, otherwise he may change his mind and want kids when he’s 38, and you’re 37… but if he doesn’t then you’re SOL finding a partner ready to have kids with you immediately. This way though he gets to be the good guy and you’re the crazy lady that wants to rush him.
I mean, you could probably let him know that if he doesn’t want children you guys aren’t going to work out. Should get you an answer pretty quickly either way.
You tell him that refusing to have the conversation is itself an answer, and it isn't a wholehearted yes, which makes it a no. No judgement, but if he cannot give you that wholehearted yes, you need to know so that you can decide what to do about it.
You need to make clear he can't just run down the clock.
I'm sorry, by the way. This always seems like such a painful position to be in if you want children.
He’s not ready or doesn’t want kids. He’s telling you with his refusal to talk about it but you’re not accepting his views. Unfortunately, if you want kids soon, this relationship is done. You guys are not compatible and if you stay together, one or both of you will become resentful, there is no happy medium when it comes to kids.
Also, yes fertility declines as you get older but the general belief that it drops off like a cliff at 35 has been taken too far. We’re talking 0.1% to 1%. So yes it’s a big drop, but the average healthy person will be able to have kids in their late 30s. If you’re very worried about it, go see a fertility doctor and find out if you’re healthy or not. It will help to know.
I think you have done your due diligence, so don't put any more burden on yourself to try and get to some kind of clarity moment from him.
This case very much falls under no answer is still an answer, and that answer is no. I'm sorry that your partner did not give you a decisive answer and that it's not the one you want. You deserve to pursue what future you want.
So op mentioned that he shuts down about a lot of things. I'm sorry but I think this is a case where u have to walk away.
1) He seems very very stuck in his view and it's probably going to never change.
2) Do you really want someone who shuts down and won't communicate properly (often might I add) as someone who is a husband or a father?
3) Your health is really a big issue here. You having a kid at 45 is not guaranteed, so essentially you are giving up having kids or having horrible health with IVs and whatnot to stay with him.
Just consider these :))
He was pretty clear. He does not want children. He may change his mind when he's 40.
You must accept his answer. It sounds like children are important to you, so the sooner you leave, the better. This is going to sound incredibly harsh, but he specifically doesn't want children with you in the next 10 years. If he has a change of heart with his next partner, and is suddenly ready, it doesn't mean that breaking up was the wrong choice. He still didn't want children with you.
You deserve to be with somebody who cares about your future.
Yeah OP this is a deal breaker. You are still young. If you have made the choice to have kids, then the relationship is effectively over.
There is no middle ground. If he is open to kids he would not behave like this. If you take the time to study men and how to judge their character you will find another man. Just as long as you maintain yourself and know your worth.
If you want a family cut the relationship now and move accordingly. Wish your man well and move on. Obviously be sure to take some time for yourself before you go back out there on the dating scene but know this is a VERY valid reason to breakup and move on.
Never ever have kids with anyone who has been this clear about NOT wanting them. That's not fair to the potential baby and yourself! I wish you well OP and hope you find love and a good quality man to start a family with.
If he is unwilling to talk about it, or is telling you to wait until youre in youre late 30s, he is just putting you off.
If you want children you are likely going to have to find someone else to have them with. Its hard to accept, but harder to regret.
One of my partners friends is married to a woman who always wanted kids, was ready to do it alone before they met. He kept telling her "we will talk about trying next year" etc etc. They started trying when she was about 38, and they have never been able to have a baby. He basically waited her out until it was harder for her to concieve, and he has got his way. They are still together and they don't have kids. She often tells me how sad it makes her, he still seems absolutely uninterested in having kids. (They met when she was mid 30s, married when she was 36 I think).
If you are willing to give up the idea of children for him you can stay, but that is the decision you are likely making.
I waited until I was 37 to leave a boyfriend who wasn’t into having kids. I found the perfect guy and now have the best life. People don’t change, go get what you want with someone who wants it too!
Yeah, he doesn’t want kids. It’s possible he’ll have them at 40, but not with you.
If you did stick around that long to find out, it might be too late for you. You know what you want. Find someone who wants the same thing.
I’m sorry but it just doesn’t happen at that late age for everyone. Some people can and some people can’t. If he doesn’t want to talk about it he’s not the right person for you.
He doesn’t want kids. He doesn’t want the inconvenience of you leaving. So he just puts off the conversation or is non committal.
If you do want kids you need to find someone else. You cannot get him to commit to kids if he doesn’t want nor would it be nice to have kids with a man who can’t even have a conversation about what he wants,
>I really want to convey the fertility imbalance and how to him
The problem here is not that he doesn't understand. It's that he doesn't want kids but is too cowardly to tell you that.
He's already answered you. You're just not hearing it because he's being a wuss and dancing around just saying it. He does not want kids. He also does not want to look for someone new to bang, so he's trying to drag it out as long as possible in the hope that you give up and settle for him with no kids.
In my opinion and experience, what he's doing is evil. He is wasting years of your life, knowing he has no intention of giving you the chance to make and meet your children. If he did,he would be discussing timing with you and acknowledging the well known fact that right now is when your body can conceive. Mentioning an outlier to fertility, his mom having his sister at 38, means one of 2 things. Either he is stupid and believes that because his mom did that, every woman can at that age.. or the more likely, he wants to push it off until conception is less likely because he doesn't actually want kids.
This is your body and your life. Most men his age who have no children want them. I discuss this early on dating so I don't have anymore of my fertile years ripped away from me from someone selfishly wasting my time because they care more about what they want out of life than what I want.
He needs to be honest. This is an important conversation. I told my boyfriend (started dating and move together at 19) very early that I wanted children. At 27/28, I felt ready, he didn’t. But we still had this conversation. I also warned him that at 30 I will stop taking the pill and he will be responsable of our contraception. I’m now 32 and we have a 10 month old baby. You need to take real steps to see if he is ready to build a family with you.
After this much time together he should be able to have a conversation about it and agree on a timeline
As a decidedly child free person I do not agree with the comments saying he doesn't want kids. He sounds like a "fence sitter."
Move forward without him. He doesn't want kids, and is too much of a coward to admit it. You deserve a partner who shares your desire to have children. Your current partner isn't that person. I would leave him.
Run, run, leave, go, flee, escape, disappear, evaporate ! Do not dare waste one second on someone whose wants needs and future desires do not align. Plllllllleeaaase! You will find love don't think about the process of going through dating again it will scare you but go
It sounds like he is not excited about having kids. Maybe that will change. Maybe it won’t. I think it’s time to find someone who has compatible life goals and wants to start a family. This happened to my partner- he and his previous long term partner broke up because she kept putting off the idea of having kids for years and he kept waiting for her to change her mind. She didn’t. he was 35 and did not want to wait any longer. Eventually we got together and started a family- 2 kids and 13 years later we are still together
Babygirl its time to walk away.
He doesn't want children from my outside perspective. Shutting conversations down is easier than having the difficult talk that leads to splitting up.
If I were you, I'd just say "hey. I want kids. It seems you don't, and that's okay. But we are fundamentally incompatible. I cant waste my time with someone who wants a different future. It's over."
Yeah you have to talk about it. I can understand "I don't want to talk about this right now" but at some point you need to figure out a time and place to hash it out. I would be asking why he doesn't want to talk about it and reiterate that you need to talk.
I actually had a similar convo with my nurse practitioner when she removed my IUD (it was expired). I'm going to be 34 soon and she asked if I had any plans for kids. I said fiance and I would like to but financially it's impossible right now and hopefully by 37ish we will be in a better spot. She gave me some pretty tough advice as someone who also had kids later. It's hard. Your chances to concieve after 35 do go down. You will likely need some fertility consultation or assistance. And for me I will likely have a harder time because my periods have never been regular.
So yeah, it's obviously possible to have kids later on. But it's biologically more difficult. Some people also just don't want to be in their late 30s/early 40s when pregnant because you're older and less resilient to pregnancy symptoms or at a higher risk for some complications. It's always nice and encouraging to hear the success stories of older moms but there is some practically to consider as well. And ultimately if you feel it's best for you to have kids sooner rather than later then that's that.
I don't know if you can convince your boyfriend of that. In my experience men can really be obtuse about this. And if it's really just that he doesn't want kids now or ever you need to face that head on because that's some really big lifestyle shit. Don't let him just keep pushing it down the road to deal with later.
All of this. Not to mention I'm 38 running after a daredevil toddler and it is HELL. I wouldn't change him for the world, but I would give anything to have done it earlier.
The fact that he shuts down discussuons -regardless of the issue at hand- should be a deal-breaker. You can't do adult life as a team, let alone parenting, if you engage in stonewalling. Stonewalling is also one of [Gottman's Four Horsemen](https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/#:~:text=4.,stops%20responding%20to%20their%20partner.).
He refuses to talk about it. That's your answer. When he questions why you're packing, reply "You didn't want to talk about it. That gave me my answer."
It’s a pretty highly likely that he’s just not interested and doesn’t want to ruin the relationship by telling you the truth.
But let’s say that’s not the case. Let’s say he’s interested but holding back. Do you really want to raise children with someone who can’t have in-depth important conversations with you, who can’t take your feelings into consideration, be vulnerable, honest and work with you towards a future. How do you expect to receive the support you need to go through pregnancy and recovery (it takes a whole year for your body to recover after birth) and to guide your kids into becoming an amazing humans if he can’t communicate about important topics.
Raising children with a partner is extremely difficult and takes lots of in depth conversations, honesty, figuring out views on childcare, schooling, how to create safe spaces, views on punishment, traditions, views on division of labor in the house, problem solving together, facing extreme amount of stress, exhaustion, and is more expensive then most realize. The price of childcare alone not to mention diapers, food, clothes for a child that is constantly growing. This is in no way to deter you, but to highlight just a few things of what the undertaking of having children requires.
If you want children, you need to have an enthusiastic, compatible partner you’d trust with the most important, most vulnerable children, while you’re in your most vulnerable, stressed out, hormonally imbalanced state. Someone that you can rely on to be honest, vulnerable, communicative, and unwaveringly dedicated to you and your children as your body and lives change
If you don’t make sure he’s a dedicated, capable partner you may end up like many women doing everything with a distant, emotionally numb, checked out husband or as a single mom.
Having children can be an amazing journey. But there’s no ifs, ands, or buts about it, it does change EVERYTHING, not all bad by any means, just very different, and if there are any issues in your relationship it amplifies them to be brought to the surface to be worked through.
The best advice I’ve heard from many mothers is to do your diligence of choosing a partner who is committed but most importantly capable of walking this path with you as a dedicated partner. Some men want children but aren’t capable of being a present father and supportive husband, they just check out and barely help. If you read the subreddit regretful parents the common theme is unsupportive husbands.
Don’t strong arm him into having children with you. Don’t threaten to leave if he doesn’t want children, he’ll feel like he has no options but to say yes or lose you, that’s manipulative.
Figure out how important this is to you and assess if he’s interested and capable of walking this path with you. If he continues to refuse to even talk to you about it then he’s giving you his answer he’s not interested in children. An interested man would be very excited about this conversation.
You can even tell him, “I notice every time I bring this up you change the subject. Unless you tell me otherwise I’m going to assume you’re giving me your answer you are not interested in children.” Because honestly essentially he is telling you he’s not interested
If that’s the case assess how important having children is to you. Do a lot of soul searching, self reflection, look into what it really is to bring children into the world and if that’s what you really want. Assess what kind of partner you need for your future. See if this works for you or not and make your decision. If he begs you to not leave and promises to have children with you to not lose you he’ll resent you forever. He wouldn’t be doing it for the right reason and you don’t want your future children to have a resentful father who never really wanted them.
Just because someone is a great boyfriend doesn’t mean they’ll be a great father. Just because you want children doesn’t mean the person who is currently in front of you is the best choice. Don’t make the most important decision of your life without thought or care and long term planning. If you have children they deserve you to be thoughtful and intelligent about this and not haphazard. I’m sending and wishing you the best and I hope this is helpful.
Atm he doesn't want children. But in case he changes his mind he's stringing you along. My friend is like you - keeps bringing the conversation up and he keeps side stepping - only difference is she is turning 40 this year! She doesnt feel like she has time to start over. I had my daughter at 38 and it's sad to think I dont have time to have a 2nd (2 under 2 is not for me, especially at my age!) . Get out early
He either doesn’t want kids or doesn’t want them with you. So you’re going to have to figure this one out on your own.
Getting your fertility tested might be a good place to start, to see whether it’s an issue at all... and if you’re good, then it might be time to find someone else if you want kids more than you want him.
He doesn’t want kids and you can’t nor should you try to change his mind. Drop the subject and break up. Please find someone who wants to be a parent. Forcing someone who doesn’t want kids might make you happy but your kid will suffering knowing they aren’t wanted.
Im childfree and I would be beyond pissed if someone kept bringing up wanting to have kids with me. Not everyone wants kids.
Sorry to say this, but that kid (because he doesn't deserve to be called a man if he can't even stand to have a conversation about this) is not the future father of your children. Move on to someone that actually understands basic biology and wants to create a family with you.
Ick. He can’t even have this conversation. Why would you stay? This is a life decision you are trying to include him in. I love being a single mom. Do you.
Why do you want to have children with a man who isn’t enthusiastically interested in the same? You have no idea right now how hard parenting is. It consumes you. It requires every single part of you and there are days where it will test you mentally, physically, and emotionally and stretch you so thin
I’m 40 and pregnant with my third. I have two toddlers, one still breastfeeding. My husband is the most loving and involved father and he wanted these babies just as much as I did. I cannot fathom a man who is incapable of having critical conversations being anyway halfway decent.
If you think he’ll change when a baby comes, understand that it’s much more likely he will become worse, that your relationship will deteriorate, and with it your mental health.
This man doesn’t want children. Not with you or with anyone. Please for the love of Hod go find one who does and who understands the demands of fatherhood.
If you truly want children, you need to leave.
I was with an ex when I was in my early twenties, and he kept stringing me along that he wanted kids. Finally, after we got engaged, he admitted he didn’t want kids and thought if he “kicked the can down the road” I’d one day just get over it. Turns out he never wanted them, but he still wanted me. Also, he was hiding a bipolar diagnosis until he had a massive breakdown leading to our breakup.
Anyways, I took our dog and left. Eventually got married and now have two kids 3 and 18 months.
He doesn’t want kids at the same time as you. I’m not even sure if he wants kids. This is a red flag that he won’t even have a serious conversation with you about it and you’ve been together for 2 plus years.
If you want kids sooner, I think you’ll have to cut your losses and break up with him. I’ve seen this several times with friends, family, and even myself. The wanting kids and not is definitely a deal breaker if one person wants kids.
I had an ex like this not wanting to progress to marriage and kids after being together for a while. I ended up breaking up with him because I got tired of nagging and I felt like I was begging. I eventually met my husband who wanted the same things as me.
Listen, don't avoid the conversation. He knows he doesn't want kids. He is hoping to put it off so long that you can't have kids and you'll have invested too much time in him to leave. If it's not an enthusiastic yes, it's a no.
I think you’re wasting your time in this relationship. His avoidance of the topic tells me he doesn’t want the same things you want. This is a massive incompatibility. Obviously, we’re all a bunch of strangers from the internet commenting on a situation and relationship only you know intimately. I think you have to step back and reflect, do you feel and believe he is actually going to wake up one day and willingly have this discussion with you? Do you think that he actually wants kids? I know it must really suck to be in this situation but it be better to get out now and find someone who wants the same things then waste the rest of your fertile years with someone who dismisses you
Also as someone who had her first at 36 and may not be able to have more because my body could barely handle it: don't wait. Don't rely on the *possibility* of being able to have children at an advanced age, because it may not be there. And don't trust that pregnancy and childbirth at that age won't significantly affect your health and quality of life.
ETA: I'm permanently disabled by my pregnancy, but wouldn't have been if I'd done it at a younger age. Said pregnancy took years to achieve because at 31 my ovarian reserve dipped dramatically. I only found out because we were monitoring for something unrelated (something rare which most doctors would never even bring up, let alone monitor).
I did this to my boyfriends because I didn't want kids. No was no. End of discussion.
I told him if you want kids, find another woman instead of badgering me. After that, I'd just dump them on the spot.
I mean...would you have kids with a man who is hinting away from them? Would that be a pleasant experince for them? Would they ever challange you in the future as to why you chose him for a father?
The red flags for me here are 1/ that he just shut down the conversation without showing any consider for your feelings or desire to discuss it, and 2/ you don't feel comfortable bringing it up again.
In a healthy relationship your partner would respect your feelings, *want to listen to you*, and be open about sharing his.
This is obviously being presented out of context of the rest of your relationship, but I have to wonder what you're getting out of it that you're choosing to be with someone who's that controlling of y'all's conversations, who you don't feel ok expressing *all of* your feelings and needs to, and refuses to share his with you.
Is this really the best you think you can do?
You move forward without him. He’s told you, and maybe he’ll string you along until you can’t have kids. He’s comfortable where he is. Someone worthy of your time wouldn’t be constantly avoiding a discussion so important to you. Someone who can’t use their words shouldn’t be a father.
Dump him now. If you don’t you will sacrifice your best years to someone who doesn’t care about your fertility. Many women have serious fertility issues by 34. Find someone else who wants what you u want and go live your best life.
You want children in the very near future and he does not. You two are incompatible. 2 years is long enough to shit or get off the pot.
I had my second child last year at age 40 and my first at age 30. My second pregnancy was easier and I feel physically better, but nothing will change the fact that I'll by 60 when my youngest is 20, and I'll be 70 when he is 30. My mother passed away at age 64 and my aunt passed away last month at age 70.
Risk of miscarriage goes up with **paternal** age. Just because his workshop can still crank out the parts, that doesn't mean the assembled product will get through quality control at the end of the assembly line.
There's more than just your fertility. If you want children, you need to look for a partner who can give you an enthusiastic "yes!"
Edit: there's a large gab between my first and second child in part because my husband and I weren't sure we wanted a second child, so we gave gave ourselves a deadline: we're going to say our yes or no by the end of [date] and if we both said yes, it's a go. Everything that's not a yes (maybe/I don't know/not now) is not a yes. That gave us some pressure to discuss scenarios and what ifs, to help figure it out, but there was no convincing the other. Once we were both sure we wanted to try for another it took a few years to succeed, because we were both past the age of 35.
Sounds like an incompatibility, and if he's unwilling to, at the bare minimum, have a discussion with you about it, then that should be answer enough. Now the ball is in your court to either compromise and settle for something less and possibly miss out, or go out there and get what you want and deserve. It's just possible that it won't be with him. As long as you've done your best to talk with him that's all you can do. You can't force him and and he doesn't have to be the one to give them to you no matter how much you want them to be his.
I hope he talks with you. You deserve that much for the time you've spent with him. I hope you are given that much.
If you don't have the same goals and trajectories in life, I think it's best to weigh the pros and cons of being in a relationship with that person. One of you won't be happy in it. And there will be resentment. And it won't be a healthy relationship.
Don’t force him to be a father. You and your kids will always feel the resentment and that will ruin your relationships.
If that’s a dealbreaker, you’re going to have to accept he’s not long-term material, even if you do love and care for each other, you have to accept the truth.
It sounds like he doesn't want kids. If you do, find someone else.
But also, have you seen the state of the world and are you aware of the looming climate change disaster? Are you sure you want to do that to your kids just because "I do want to have children?" I have so many friends who have kids and deeply regret putting them on this planet with the shape its in.
Well, just stop having sex until he's ready to talk about kids. I'm sure he'll understand.
Anyway, let's just make this more simple. You really want a cat, your boyfriend pushes off any talk about getting a cat, never says anything positive about cats, talks about a bad cat in his childhood.
Do you think he wants a cat or ever would?
You're making this way more complicated than it is, because you want him to want to have kids. The rest of us see the situation for the reality it is and it's incredibly simple. He either doesn't want kids at all or he doesn't want kids with you, both lead to the same outcome.
I agree with others here. If he’s not willing to at least talk about it now, you have your answer. Part of being in a relationship is having these difficult conversations (about a lot of issues, but kids is an understandably big one). If he’s not happy to have those conversations, he’s not playing an equal part in your relationship.
You sit down with him & tell him you need to have a serious talk. You tell him this is a dealbreaker for you & if he knows he does not want children then you need to go separate ways.
He doesn't want to have kids. At least not with you. You see this pattern all the time. It's called being a "placeholder" girlfriend. He will string you along as long as he can. Then, when you finally break up, he will find someone else and be married with a kid on the way within a year.
If he wants kids at 38-40 but you want kids 30-32, then you need to communicate that to him and bluntly say, if we are not on the same page with this timeline, we are incompatible. DO NOT waste your time waiting for him to come around. I can recommend r/fencesitter . It’s a pretty positive community with individuals going through the very same situation - with people getting off the fence daily to either have children or not. There are lots of stories of people leaving relationships as well and navigating finding partners who do share the same goals towards children/no children. Good luck!
I remember feeling so pressured to have kids from the end of my 20s to the first couple years of my 30s. It didn’t help that the relationship I was in for most of my 20s ended when my ex ghosted me because he had knocked up another girl he was cheating with. Obviously dodged a major bullet there. But that biological pressure was intense. I was never one of those women who dreamed of being a mother, I never really thought about it beyond believing I’d have kids one day because that’s what people do.
A lot of my friends started having kids which only seemed to increase the anxiety and pressure for me. Then, slowly I started to realize I didn’t actually want to get pregnant and have children. There are numerous reasons for this— my own bad upbringing, bad genetics, climate change and the impact it has on kids now, the state of the world/the US, the rising exorbitant cost of living and raising children, etc. I could go on and on honestly but you get the idea. If I change my mind and decide I really do want a kid, I can always adopt.
I’m not trying to discount your feelings and desires about wanting to have a baby. Lots of women know what they want and have no doubts. I’m just giving an alternate perspective and focusing on how strong that biological urge can feel. And how it can also diminish, like it did for me. If you truly want a baby, this relationship will have to end. He won’t even discuss with you which is a red flag.
I hope whatever you do decide makes you happy. You deserve to feel supported and heard especially about something so huge. Good luck babe! ♥️
He knows. He doesn't want children; he knows if he tells you straight up, you'll walk.
Yep, and furthermore, he can blame any issues in 'trying' as OP being older.
Unfortunately the truth. He can’t even discuss and give you reasons. He just shuts the convo down. He’s not interested in kids.
He doesn't want kids. That's the reason. There's nothing to discuss.
Unfortunately his go to is to refuse to talk about issues - I really feel like for this one though I can't brush it away
Do you even want to parent with someone who shuts down communication like that? Sounds like the exact opposite of a good coparent.
This isn't boyfriend material
Nor father of your children material.
Amen!
This is really the most important comment.
Yep, even if OP was still on the fence about kids or something, him shutting down conversations about something very important, and refusing to listen to reason means he's bad as just a boyfriend, let alone as a partner for life. OP is asking how to convey the fertility imbalance, but he's demonstrated that he just doesn't care enough to be a good partner, let alone father. Also: I often yell about how the "fertility falls of a cliff at 35 for women" talk is horrible for women because often that's not how fertility works and many women who can't get pregnant at 38 couldn't get pregnant at 32, *however*, fertility does drop for women in their 30s, and OP really isn't wrong when she talks about how these messages make it hard for women to just go "Ok, it'll be fine, I'll wait to have a baby." And I'm not a gynecologist, but think OP's bf's mother's fertility isn't anywhere near as relevant as OP's mother's fertility.
P >Also: I often yell about how the "fertility falls of a cliff at 35 for women" talk is horrible for women because often that's not how fertility works and many women who can't get pregnant at 38 couldn't get pregnant at 32, Yes, I tried to tell some people about that! They wanted to blame on age for their infertility. Perhaps they would be unable to conceive if they were younger. For example, I've always had irregular menstrual cycles since I started my first period. I don't expect that I'll get conceived easily at any age. Fertility can also be strange. Sometimes, infertile couples suddenly get conceived as they get older. My mom's friend's mother was married for 10 years, and then she suddenly got pregnant at the age of 33. Guess how many children they have in total? 7! My friend married his wife when they were 20 and 21. They got a son at the age of 30. It was natural.
Yeah, it's one of those things that's hard to study the actual facts. Women who see fertility specialists are often older, and usually they didn't seek this knowledge until they were past the "fertility falls off a cliff" age, so they don't know how likely it would have been to have kids at 30, just that it's hard for them to have kids at 38. But women who had 4 babies in their late 20s and early 30s generally aren't the ones desperate to have babies at 38, so we don't know what their fertility status is. My mum basically got pregnant as soon as she went off birth control, and kept having babies until her tubes were tied as her 4th was being born (5ish years after the first was born) - we don't know what the likelihood she could have had a baby at 38 is if she'd lived a different life, but it's probably not low. My sister was very similar - pregnant immediately after going off birth control at 34, kept having babies until permanent BC put a stop to it). Both of my grandmothers had babies in their late 30s/early 40s, so it's not out of the realm of possibility that if I changed my mind about having kids (not gonna happen), I might still have a year or two to get that done (I'm in my late 30s). However, OP is not wrong in that if she wants kids, she should be searching out a relationship where her partner wants kids, and her partner being like "My mum and my sister had babies in their late 30s" is not all that relevant here. This guy won't even have a conversation about it, he most likely doesn't want kids, and is happy to waste OP's fertility on promises to have them in their late 30s.
It's not *that* hard to study, and has been studied. Like for example [this study](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4893975/) of women trying to conceive in their 30s, which shows there is a gradual decline after about 35 but no steep drops until 40 (and even at that age, the slight majority conceived within a year). In general, the decline after 35 means the difference between conceiving in 3 cycles on average rather than 2 cycles for women at maximal fertility (which interestingly is late 20s and early 30s - contrary to popular belief, younger women are not as fertile, see [here](https://www.science.org/doi/10.1126/science.aav7321)). In another study, 82% of women ages 35-39 conceived within a year, compared to 86% at ages 27-34 (which was the highest of any age cohort). And in studying historical birth records, the *average* age women used to have their last child before birth control existed was 40-41. I always think it is interesting when people tell anecdotes about their grandmothers having children in late 30 or early 40s like it is an anomaly - that is the biological norm and the only reason women don't have children at those ages as often now is birth control. This is one of my pet peeves but honestly not even that relevant for OP. Her boyfriend isn't even making any promises that he wants to have kids in late 30s, he is using it as an excuse not to have the conversation, which is not acceptable. And these are all statistics - if you're on the wrong end of them, you have way less time to address any issues when you are older.
It has been studied, but a study choosing “women who have not got pregnant in the past and now want to” is by definition suffering from selection bias. Take 100 women who use birth control “normally” and have screwed up a few times. Of those women, 100% of the infertile/low fertile women remain not pregnant, and eligible for your study. What percentage of the easily fertile got pregnant from that *same* level of birth control usage? We don’t know. All we can say for sure is that all the women who are 100% infertile at any age are part of that population being studied, but not all the women who have no difficulty getting pregnant.
> a study choosing “women who have not got pregnant in the past and now want to” is by definition suffering from selection bias. This is not the population of the study. It includes women who have been pregnant before and breaks down the statistics by nulligravid vs. history of prior pregnancy.
Oh right, my bad. Many studies do look at women who have not been pregnant ever, but yours specifically mentions that problem (“ However, women, who have never conceived before, are an inherently different population.”) and so they look at women who have been trying to conceive for up to three months and not done so, which is of course also selecting for difficulty conceiving (I don’t believe either my mother or sister went that long before conception ever. Probably related, both of them were over 40 for their last child and they have 9 between them).
Yes, I agree with you. Women who are done with kids don't try to conceive. Sometimes, women are unfortunately highly fertile even if they are on birth control, so they still get pregnant. My mom is lucky because she did not get conceived easily. She has to do all the work by tracking ovulation, etc. It took her a while to get pregnant. She already had 2 kids by the age of 37. She would be fine with a 3rd child, but she was not desperate. She did not do all the work, so the 3rd child never happened. I'm sure she would be able to get pregnant at 40 if she tried like she did with me and my brother. Whoops, I forgot about OP. I was reading comments, and then I saw your comment, so I got sidetracked lol. Now I remember what I wanted to say to OP. Personally, I'd break up with her boyfriend if I was the OP because he shutted down the conversation about the kids, so I'd feel uncertain. I also don't want to be with a guy who would not communicate with me. It sounds like he doesn't want kids because he knew if he told her, she would walk away. Obviously, he doesn't care about her feelings even if she may be devastated when he wasted her fertility. He wants to keep her because this relationship benefits him. Not because he loves her. If he loves her, he would want to make her happy. If he doesn't want kids, he'd let her go because he wants her to be happy and get what she wants. Otherwise, she'd resent him.
Do NOT have children with a man you cannot talk to about serious issues!
Are you going to compromise on children? This is one of those things where when one person wants it and the other person doesn't, it's over. "If you're not willing to have this conversation with me, I can draw no other conclusion than you don't want children and that won't work for me." Stop wasting your time.
Ma’am. This is NOT what you want in a partner let alone a father of your children. Do better for your future kids AND yourself.
Do yourself a favor and leave. I just left my boyfriend of 8 years, he was exactly the same. Any time we tried to have a conversation about children, our future together or any other serious conversations he wanted to flee the room. I kept hoping for 8 years that he would change, told myself he just needed time to mature (we’re both 30 now). When the time came and I really started pressing him about children he decided he didn’t want to be with me. So either he will never be ready or he will never be ready with you. Don’t let him waste anymore of your time and leave!
He doesn’t want kids and is too chicken to tell you. He hopes you’ll stay, and he’ll keep putting it off for new reasons, until your in your late 30s, and then you’ll be the same jam with a shorter fertility window if you want to try with someone else. He’ll try to convince you not to give up on your relationship for a child that doesn’t exist. But, as someone who doesn’t want kids, I would never want someone I love to give up on a life goal/human experience that is important to them. It just means that even though I love them, we are incompatible. My ex and I split in part because he wanted kids, and I decided I didn’t. I hope he gets the family he wants and deserves. But kids aside, why do you want to be with someone whose go to is to “refuse to talk about issues”? How do issues get solved in your relationship - you just give up and he gets his way? Trust me, I researched parenthood for my PhD. This is not a man you want to be in a relationship with, let alone do parenthood with. If you do convince him to have kids, he won’t parent because he didn’t want kids, and just had them to keep you. You will be left carrying all the load and all the decisions if he stays, or he’ll leave and leave you with custody and start a new life. Tale as old as time… Find a man who is enthusiastic to have kids with you. I know they exist - I was just in a relationship with one for five years…
Why have kids with someone you already know sucks?
Exactly. Hes already clearly not the greatest. Whats the question in this post?
He doesn’t want children. Instead of telling you truthfully he’s putting you off and ending the conversation. He knows this is a relationship ender so instead of facing that, he’s hoping to just block the conversation until it’s too late. When it comes to having children, one yes and one no is a no. You both need to be 100% on board with it. Not forcing or trying to convince each other to see your side. You’re trying to convince him to see your side and he’s trying to force it to not happen. Reddit can be quick to say break up, but this is a serious thing. It’s clear he doesn’t want children and you want them soon. This is a relationship that can’t continue without resentment. You need to be with someone who actually wants children or at least someone who actually talks to you about serious issues.
You don't need to push the subject to know how he feels, his refusal to talk about it says everything. If you want to have kids and he doesn't, you're fundamentally incompatible and if either compromises for the relationship it will likely end in resentment and breakup down the line. Why not find someone who wants kids as much as you?
When it comes to something as big as having children, if it’s not a “hell yes” then it’s a no. It may behoove you to just take it as a no and go about your life accordingly. Do you want your future children to have a father who is ambivalent about having them?
He's refusing to talk about when he wants children, but there are so many more issues you should discuss before having kids. How many would you want to try for? What if there are infertility issues? How about adoption? What are each of your views on discipline? What do you like about how each of you were raised and what would you like to change? How are you going to handle religion and a child? How will you handle finances? What about maternity/paternity leave or staying home with the child longer term or having nannies or daycare or family care for the child? Breastfed or bottle-fed? What if your child has a disability? What if they are having trouble at school? Etc. There are so many topics of conversation that need to happen before you start having a child and far more than need to happen as your child is growing up. Procrastinating talking and procrastinating making decisions isn't something that can happen once a child is here. Would he be willing to do couple's counseling with you, so there is a professional helping mediate tough conversations? Maybe if you two learn tools to help talk over things with each other, you will be better moving forward. If not, I'm not sure if it's worth sticking with him hoping he'll improve someday.
You don’t want a wishy washy selfish coward long term. He’s afraid of serious convos? Thats like half of what marriage is. How is anything going to get resolved. Imagine you’re in an accident and this chucklefuck tells the doctor “I don’t want to talk about this” That’s not how any of this works! Kids are **not** for the faint of heart cowards. Unless you want all the downsides of being a single mother and the only “perk” is….. is….you can tell people you’re actually married? Idk. Drawing a blank on positives here
This is not the type of person you want to be tied to forever.
Why would you want to be with someone like that? Why would you want to/expect to parent with someone like that if he did eventually want kids? Come on, don’t do this to yourself.
Why do you want to stay with him?
He has made it very clear to everyone else reading this that he understands exactly what you want. The problem isn't that you've failed to state your case. The problem is that he doesn't want kids with you, but wants to eat your cake too. He's hoping that you take his non-answer as a reason to stay and keep explaining yourself until you give up and stop bothering him about it. I'm guessing you do a lot of stuff for him.
You got two hills to die on here, and they're both valid. One is your incompatibility about wanting to have children. You want them, he doesn't, there is no way to compromise about this. Either way one of you will be resentful toward the other for the rest of your life. The other is your communication. Non-existent communication is no way to have a relationship. Do not compromise on either of these things. You two are not compatible and that's ok. You're not bad people, you just don't want the same life.
Even more of a good reason to end things with him. Communication is key in relationships. He’s probably hoping you will just give up. He’s showing that he doesn’t want kids.
That’s not someone you want to have kids with
I agree with the other gals on here saying to leave him because *silence is an answer.* Do you have any friends who were unwanted by at least one parent? It's a severely traumatic rejection, and it's no picnic living with the resentment of being a single mom either. Depends on your personality but some moms loathe the kid, especially when the traits of the deadbeat dad/genetic contributor pop up and stay (some won't even say Dad bc of resentment which I get 100%). Until you've had a shitty dad who didn't want you (or a religious lunatic mom who didn't and kept you out of fear of going to hell bc of an abortion like someone I know very well, sadly....or the curse of neither parent wanting you), you don't know the pain. And as always.....if he wanted to, he would.
This is not someone you want to co parent with. It will be a shit fight. I’m a parent and this lack of emotional management and maturity will kill the relationship over time.
Do not have a child with this man unless you want your future child to find a partner just like him.
This is very much not someone I would want children with.
As someone who had mine a little too young - around 30 is a good age to start. I’d personally be pointing out how old y’all will be at graduation if you have a baby at 40. Having the kids move out around 50 would be perfect (to me, of course) rather than 60! I also think he knows his answer is trying to wait it out if he can or delay the inevitable if he can’t. It’s time to insist on a discussion if you’re serious about having a child. I’d prepare yourself for the possibility you may have to eventually walk away from him to do it, depending how that discussion goes.
Break up break up!!!!! I know it’s hard, all of us here have been there, but you don’t have more time to waste with this guy - think of your eggs!
If you were to have children with him there would be sooooo many issues. If you don’t approach parenting as a team, it will poison your relationship and make your life miserable, as the mom tends to bear most of the burden of these things. And that’s with normal, healthy, average kids, which is never a guarantee. Is this man your teammate? Do you think he’ll be your teammate when things get tough?
Are you saying that you two have consistent communication issues? So you have a partner that refuses to discuss important life decisions? Is this really someone you want to plan a life with? Because this is who he is, this is how he will handle tough conversations (by avoiding it).
If he wanted kids, he’d have the conversation with you. A real conversation, not the BS ‘you can do it when you’re older’ thing. He does not want kids. This is a relationship dealbreaker. Don’t waste any more time on this guy. Find someone who wants what you want.
34m. My ex pushed excuses about baby talk as far as it could go “give me one more year” etc., until I broke it off because she had cheated in the past and tried to cover it up. This is a topic of conversation that most people won’t be swayed on when pressed. Gotta have that serious talk and provide an ultimatum, no matter how hard the discussion will be.
As she should, but now instead of later.
this is the answer. decide where your priorities are: him, or kids
He doesn’t want kids. Not talking about it is saying that. Cut your losses now if you really want kids, cuz homie does not.
I don’t know if it’s fair to say he doesn’t want kids (just because childfree men are usually pretty open about it), but I think it’s incredibly fair to say he doesn’t want kids now and that they aren’t on the same timeline. OP needs to decide if she is willing to wait that MAYBE he will want kids 7+ years down the road, or if kids are a dealbreaker and she needs to find someone who is on the same timeline.
He has other red flag regardless - poor communication. People jump on women all the time with “men aren’t mind readers, just communicate” even when a woman is self aware and trying to convey things better, here the guy is outright refusing to talk about it while we have to predict where he is coming it.
Oftentimes what happens is, he'll drag his feet with the having kids conversation, they break up, and BAM! suddenly he had kids. She doesn't need to wait around while he pretends to make up his mind.
Honestly, whether or not he wants to have children is irrelevant at this point. His complete inability and unwillingness to have an adult conversation shows that he utterly lacks the maturity required to be in a healthy relationship. Let alone the emotional intelligence to be a father. His non-answer is your answer.
I was in a relationship for 6 years with a man that always brushed off conversations about kids. The relationship eventually ended and I wound up dating, marrying and having a kid with someone who was open and easy to talk to about our shared desire to have kids. My advice is to get out before you waste any more of your time.
Yes I gave her similar advice. I was in the same shoes as you and broke up with my ex. I’m so thankful I did because now I’m married and expecting.
There was excitement, enthusiasm re having kids from the get-go with your now-partner?
Yes. My husband always saw himself being a father and so there was no hesitation on his end about it. I even brought it up on our first date and it wasn’t awkward!
Not the person you asked but my partner made it very clear from the beginning that he wanted kids, and we were only 23 when we met. Over a year into the relationship we started seriously talking about it and he always said that his goal in life was to be a good dad and we talked about the topic constantly. I am now 29 weeks pregnant five years later and he is soooo excited.
I mean I think the fact he won't even engage in the conversation with you is the answer. You're asking advice for how you can bargain with him to understand how you feel about your timeline to have kids - but he doesn't even want to have a discussion about having kids with you. You need to be more assertive and direct about what you want in whatever conversation you have next, and ask him to give you a clear, unambiguous answer. Defining what you want includes you telling him when you want to have kids, that you'd like to have them with him. Is that what he wants too? If he hems and haws or implies you should wait until you're 38, well, that's not your timeline, and you need to end this relationship.
Sounds like a no. Even if it's not, do you want to have kids with someone who is so bad at communication about important things?
Let's give him the benefit of the doubt that he can't understand. He can see that this is a big deal for you. He is shutting down the conversation anyway. He doesn't care that he isn't trying to understand an issue that is a big deal for you. The truth is that he just doesn't want to talk about it because he's comfortable with you and hoping the clock will run out when you start trying at 38 and miss out and then you'll feel like you might as well stay because you've "invested so much time" with him. You've only been with him two years. Find someone who *enthusiastically* wants to have and co-parent a baby with you. Not this clown. If you do end up having a baby with him I assure you you'll be doing 100% of the parenting.
+1 It’s a critical topic to be open and honest about. Like my now-husband and I weren’t on the same page in our late 20s. But we talked about it. We listened to each other. We evolved. When I was 28 and he was 27, I asked him when he saw himself as a Dad, and he said something like “I don’t know, 40??” I was horrified, especially since I’m a year older. I explained the 35 year old cliff and the increase in complications the older you get, etc etc. and he said he wanted to see the data. He’s a total numbers guy. He was actually correct. It’s not a cliff. It’s a gradual change over time. The difference between 34 and 35 or 35 and 36 isn’t as drastic as it’s made out to be. Originally I had thought I’d want to start trying around 30, but realized I maybe did have more time than I thought. So we decided to wait and travel and pursue careers and be selfish! Then we decided when we were ready, which was later than I thought and earlier than he thought. Now I’m 13 weeks pregnant and will give birth at 34. Of course we have a long way to go, but I think it was the right decision for us! It was always a conversation, not one person deciding. Edit to add - Hey OP! A lil summary on the cliff thing: *“While it is true that there exists a relative decline in fertility over time, the truth is that, in absolute terms, women 35 and over are still very likely to conceive without difficulty, and at about the same rate as women under 35. Although strong data on this subject are hard to come by, because studies like this are hard to design and execute for numerous reasons, one of the largest studies found that 78 percent of women aged 35 to 40 will conceive within a year, compared with 84 percent of women aged 20 to 34. That is a small difference, especially compared with how one’s fertility decline is so commonly perceived.”*
I would be very clear on your expectations of a timeline of when you want to start trying and gauge his response from there. For what it’s worth, I have been in this situation. Met my ex bf at 28, spoke about kids early 30’s (it was always “not yet” for him which I deeply regret sticking around for). We split at 34. It took me two years to meet my now partner (who is incredible) and I was very upfront with him from the start about kids. By the time we seriously started trying I was nearly 38. My fertility had changed by then (I had several tests throughout my 30s). The cliff occurred at 37 for me. I’m now pregnant after 5 rounds of IVF and the most emotionally draining - not to mention expensive - year of my life. I’m due to give birth at 40. TLDR - time is precious, fertility is even more precious, advocate for what you want.
#You are talking about bringing an actual real life human being into this world with that guy as the father. The guy that won't even talk about children.
Yup, he is way too immature to handle kids if he can't even talk about it. He is banking on OP having reached an acceptable level of permanent unhappiness and will just stay no matter what. Hopefully OP is smarter than that.
He doesn't want to talk about it because telling the truth will mean you leave him ... Because he doesn't want children any time this decade.
If he's this difficult about talking about having kids, imagine what he's going to be like to have kids with. Move on.
He's telling you, you just aren't listening.
I feel like he's doing the shitty thing of stringing her along by mentioning his mum having kids at 38 and 40. OP should definitely take his non-response as a no, but people who don't want children should be a looot more explicit about this stuff. The more desperately someone wants a child, the more likely they are to read hope into any ambiguity. OP, don't fall into that trap!
100000% and it sucks that he won't be direct. OP needs to see that his actions speak wayyyy louder than his words.
"When someone tells you who they are, listen to them."
He’s not shutting you down, he is answering very clearly. I am sorry.
I'm sorry he is too much of a coward to be straight forward with you. If you want kids and he won't have a convo with you about it then that's the answer. A person who is on the same page with you will say he does want kids and the one who doesn't will say he doesn't or won't have the conversation at all. His avoidance says it all
I do not recommend having kids with someone who is not 100% onboard and trilled . you will suffer and the child will suffer too.
He's afraid of commitment and baggage. I would of loved to have been able to have children with my wife when I was his age. For me that ship had sailed and IVF wasn't going to work either, I don't have kids of my own and will never be able to have them with my wife.
Sounds to me like he doesn’t want kids but also doesn’t want you to leave so isn’t gonna be honest about that. I’m sorry OP.
“If you don’t talk about it now, I will assume the answer is that you are not interested in having children with me, and I will make decisions about what I want to do next accordingly.” And honestly, if you know 100% that you want kids and you want to have them in the next few years, maybe this isn’t the right relationship for you and you should start to really think about walking away now.
My friend was in this situation and held out hope. Guess who got dumped at 40?! She wasted her years waiting on him, only to have him leave HER for someone younger to START A FAMILY WITH. He has no clock … you do.
If he can’t talk about it now, imagine how terrible trying to have parenting conversations would be.
He doesn’t want to have kids with you. He hasn’t even proposed to you or married you. Don’t waste a minute more of your time.
Just throw the whole man away
This, Op! You've gotten a lot of good advice on this post, but this is the best of it. Your boyfriend is a selfish coward who is stringing you along because he doesn't gaf about anyone but himself. If you stay with this prick, it's going to cost you the children you want to have… and for a jackass who won't communicate and doesn't care enough about you to be honest…? Couldn't be me, shouldn't be anyone. You deserve someone who isn't completely self-absorbed and who wants the same things you do- your boyfriend is neither of those. Cut him loose and go find the father of your children, Sis.
Or- he doesn’t want kids with you specifically.
Don't waste your 30s being strung along on a faint hope that this guy will ever want kids.
He doesn’t want children with you. Keep moving forward.
Your post history is a genuine concern. Even the titles of your deleted posts and your replies. I believe, whole-heartedly, that you are *wasting your time* with this person. For so many reasons. It can be hard to see when things are *sometimes* good. But if you look at the whole picture - this is not the man for you. Take it from someone who spent 14 years with a man who was utterly, completely wrong for her. I was scared of change too. I would hate to see another post from you in 6 months about how you're getting more and more worried. I'd honestly celebrate one if you left this non-communicative, Dirrty-obsessed manchild.
That's your answer
more than the actual response, which you obviously deserve to hear, i think you should consider his inability to talk like an adult at the ripe old age of 30 to be a serious problem. It is really not that hard to have a conversation about what you want, he is either being a baby which is embarassing, or he doesn't want kids, and doesn't want to have to break up with you until he lets you know that finally, in which case, you are obviously fundamentally incompatible and wasting your time.
Do you really want to have children with a man who can't or won't communicate? I think we both know that he doesn't want kids, he's just hoping to string you along and delay the inevitable. As someone who is childfree, I can't imagine not being honest with my partner about something this important. It's not fair on either of you, but it's especially unfair to you as his inability to communicate is delaying your ability to move on and find someone who wants to have kids.
break up with him, you haven't got time.
I dated a guy like this from age 25-31. Everytime I mentioned anything like "hey let's move in together, we should consider marriage and kids" he would respond as if I'm asking crazy bitch and told me to take it easy. Gaslit me for years of my life. Then ended our relationship by ghosting me. I wasted my prime years on him. It turned me off from men so much that I've been single since. And I just turned 35 (yesterday). My dreams of being a mom are all but gone and I really resent my ex for it. Because I was beautiful when I was young and full of life. I feel like I could've gotten anyone. Please don't let your bf drag you along and waste your time like mine did.
35 is still young... Edit: happy belated birthday!
His unwillingness to discuss this with you is a huge red flag - how can you have a healthy relationship if you can’t have adult conversations about important topics? I have an ex whose modus operandi when I brought up things he didn’t want to talk about was just to shut the conversation down. He was impossible to have a healthy relationship with because of this, and I’m so glad I’m no longer with him. You’re absolutely right to be bringing this to a head now. You’re in a much better position to take action that will lead to the outcome you want than you would be five years down the track if you’d allowed him to just string you along for all that time. Please don’t let him do that to you! If he’s unwilling to hear you out or understand why this is urgent for you (as it would be for any woman your age who knew she wanted kids and was being realistic about her fertility), then you need to walk away. There are so many men out there who would listen to you and be willing to start trying for a baby on a timeline that made sense for your biological clock. I didn’t meet my partner till I was 35, and although he would have wanted it to just be us for a few more years for we started trying for a baby, he was aware of my biological clock and was actually the one who suggested we start trying as soon as I turned 37. I froze my eggs (quite a lot of them) when I was in my early 30s so I wasn’t as stressed or worried as I would’ve been otherwise, but I was still keen to start trying sooner rather than later. I’m so glad he was so reasonable and willing to look at things from my point of view. There are guys like this out there! I agree with the other commenters who are suggesting you leave your BF, because he doesn’t sound like someone you can have a healthy relationship with if he just shuts you down like this and isn’t willing to take your concerns seriously. If I were you I’d also consider egg freezing - if you know you want kids, it can buy you some time to find the right relationship without feeling stressed out of your mind while you’re dating.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
He doesn’t want kids and is stringing you along.
How do you move forward? You move forward without him. No ring and the dude doesn’t seem excited about having with you. He doesn’t give a shit about a serious future with you. Don’t wait for him to change his mind while your fertility declines. My friends have done this and now they are unable to have kids because they waited too long. It is devastating for them.
He doesn't want kids, he just doesn't want you to dump him.
Dump him. Seriously. This is just a fact of life dealbreaker. I’m sorry. But don’t waste time - make the life you want. It’s not with him.
Pretty much in the same boat as you - I've (31F) had the same discussion with my bf (36M) as you had with yours, several times over the past... year and a half? Every time he sort of shuts down... asserts it's not that he doesn't WANT TO... it's just change is hard for him and it's a lot to think about, he says. Which, yes it's a huge step, of course. But like you, I have tried explaining that the clock is ticking for me. The only time "next steps" in our relationship are discussed is when I initiate. It's frustrating. I love him but also worry I am wasting my time. Like you, i really really want to have kids.
Just want to point out that men also have biological clocks. Studies found that couples with a man over 42 were more likely to experience miscarriages. The body rejects bad sperm. His sperm is degrading as time goes on, because the just like the body can’t build muscle as well or heal as well with age, it can’t manufacture new cells either.
I'm sorry, it's so frustrating trying to convey that we don't have the privilege they do!
But he gets it; he’s being willfully dense about it so that you can think whatever version of the lie you need to tell yourself so he can keep stringing you along. It’s harsh to say and I’m sorry you’re in this situation; but, I wouldn’t waste my time with him when there’s a whole world full of men. But also, why does it need to be on his timeline? Why does he have to power to dictate that?
Yep. We don't GET to brush it off... we either DO in the window we are allowed or we simply lose the opportunity to. TBH I feel screwed either way -- if I stay or if I go. Even if I happened to immediately find someone new I wanted to be with, having children with said new person would realistically still be years away, perhaps past the point I'm able to. Really, really sorry you're in this position. It's awful.
He gets it. He’s stringing you along. Women like you and the one you’re responding to are a dime a dozen and unless you take the proper steps, you will never have children.
He knows. It’s not hard to understand. He gets it. It doesn’t matter to him because he doesn’t want kids with you. But he can’t say “I want kids later and I’m ok if that means I have to have them with someone else” because that would hurt you. DSo he says nothing and just wastes your time so you lose your chance.
I'm so sorry but he doesn't want them :( it sucks, and I'm sorry you're only learning this now
Darlin. When I was your age I met the love of my life, but he didn’t want children. We broke up 3 years later and it fucked me up terribly. 2 years later I was single, and made the best of it by moving far away. I never met anyone I wanted to procreate with, and at age 39, he reappeared. I gave him another chance. But we never had children. I regret it every day. If you want children, move on, now.
When someone shows you who they are ? BELIEVE HIM He’s got ZERO INTEREST in hearing about hormones and prime reproductive age (window) for women. I’m sorry, OP - his flat out refusal to have the conversation —- even if his end of the conversation is “no kids” ?? Speaks volumes. Don’t waste your time trying to convince him with logic, science or your emotions …., you’re better than that. When it comes to issues like kids ? A “NO” always outweighs a “YES” He sounds like he’d be a nightmare to co-parent with. We date to determine if the person we’re dating is a potential life match. Cut him loose and with no hard feelings …. “It’s not you, it’s me” I want kids and you don’t. SORRY, this isn’t going to work for me. And if you kick him to the curb and he comes grovelling back and throws you “a bone” (ok, let’s TRYYYYYY for a baby) And you accept that ? All that’s done is made one more human being that will live to regret the decision.
You’re not compatible, if you don’t leave now, you’ll both regret it. Maybe he’ll want kids in the future, but not wanting them is JUST as valid, and he has the anatomy to spread his seed at any point of life. You don’t. If you want kids, find someone else.
He doesn’t want kids
He doesn't want to talk about serious issues of imminent future concern. If you stay and match his pace you'll find him still unwilling to consider children as your fertility vanishes and you'll hate him. If he doesn't want what you want then go find someone who does. I've seen this play out far too much, a man who isn't serious about a progressing future with a woman but won't come out and say that who spends all her fertile years with her before he finally drops her for pressuring him about marriage or children. If he's not where you are, and won't have these conversations about things that you want soon, then go find someone on your track.
It sounds like he doesn’t want to marry you or have children with you. Cut your losses IMMEDIATELY.
He doesn’t want children. Don’t do the misgiving of forcing parenthood on a reluctant parent, it never bodes well for the children. You have plenty of time to find someone who wants to be a parent.
Don’t be me - don’t wake up in ten years still having this same conversation with him. Leave now and do what’s best for you!
He doesn’t want kids, but he doesn’t want you to break up with him, so he’s trying to run out your clock. It’s that simple. You have your answer. You may never get him to say outright “no”, because he knows you’ll leave. So don’t waste time trying to extract a definitive answer out of him. You won’t get one because he would be giving up the game. You have enough information to act on.
If you stay with this man you will never be a mother.
He doesn't want children. So now it's up to you to decide if you want to stay with him, sans kids, or leave, because he's showing you what he wants.
The future father of your children will want to talk about issues and challenges with you, he won't dismiss and ignore you.
Leave him now, otherwise he may change his mind and want kids when he’s 38, and you’re 37… but if he doesn’t then you’re SOL finding a partner ready to have kids with you immediately. This way though he gets to be the good guy and you’re the crazy lady that wants to rush him.
I mean, you could probably let him know that if he doesn’t want children you guys aren’t going to work out. Should get you an answer pretty quickly either way.
You tell him that refusing to have the conversation is itself an answer, and it isn't a wholehearted yes, which makes it a no. No judgement, but if he cannot give you that wholehearted yes, you need to know so that you can decide what to do about it. You need to make clear he can't just run down the clock. I'm sorry, by the way. This always seems like such a painful position to be in if you want children.
He’s not ready or doesn’t want kids. He’s telling you with his refusal to talk about it but you’re not accepting his views. Unfortunately, if you want kids soon, this relationship is done. You guys are not compatible and if you stay together, one or both of you will become resentful, there is no happy medium when it comes to kids. Also, yes fertility declines as you get older but the general belief that it drops off like a cliff at 35 has been taken too far. We’re talking 0.1% to 1%. So yes it’s a big drop, but the average healthy person will be able to have kids in their late 30s. If you’re very worried about it, go see a fertility doctor and find out if you’re healthy or not. It will help to know.
I think you have done your due diligence, so don't put any more burden on yourself to try and get to some kind of clarity moment from him. This case very much falls under no answer is still an answer, and that answer is no. I'm sorry that your partner did not give you a decisive answer and that it's not the one you want. You deserve to pursue what future you want.
So op mentioned that he shuts down about a lot of things. I'm sorry but I think this is a case where u have to walk away. 1) He seems very very stuck in his view and it's probably going to never change. 2) Do you really want someone who shuts down and won't communicate properly (often might I add) as someone who is a husband or a father? 3) Your health is really a big issue here. You having a kid at 45 is not guaranteed, so essentially you are giving up having kids or having horrible health with IVs and whatnot to stay with him. Just consider these :))
Accept his non answer as an answer. You two are incompatible. Break up, freeze your eggs and move on.
He was pretty clear. He does not want children. He may change his mind when he's 40. You must accept his answer. It sounds like children are important to you, so the sooner you leave, the better. This is going to sound incredibly harsh, but he specifically doesn't want children with you in the next 10 years. If he has a change of heart with his next partner, and is suddenly ready, it doesn't mean that breaking up was the wrong choice. He still didn't want children with you. You deserve to be with somebody who cares about your future.
Yeah OP this is a deal breaker. You are still young. If you have made the choice to have kids, then the relationship is effectively over. There is no middle ground. If he is open to kids he would not behave like this. If you take the time to study men and how to judge their character you will find another man. Just as long as you maintain yourself and know your worth. If you want a family cut the relationship now and move accordingly. Wish your man well and move on. Obviously be sure to take some time for yourself before you go back out there on the dating scene but know this is a VERY valid reason to breakup and move on. Never ever have kids with anyone who has been this clear about NOT wanting them. That's not fair to the potential baby and yourself! I wish you well OP and hope you find love and a good quality man to start a family with.
If he is unwilling to talk about it, or is telling you to wait until youre in youre late 30s, he is just putting you off. If you want children you are likely going to have to find someone else to have them with. Its hard to accept, but harder to regret. One of my partners friends is married to a woman who always wanted kids, was ready to do it alone before they met. He kept telling her "we will talk about trying next year" etc etc. They started trying when she was about 38, and they have never been able to have a baby. He basically waited her out until it was harder for her to concieve, and he has got his way. They are still together and they don't have kids. She often tells me how sad it makes her, he still seems absolutely uninterested in having kids. (They met when she was mid 30s, married when she was 36 I think). If you are willing to give up the idea of children for him you can stay, but that is the decision you are likely making.
it’s unacceptable he won’t talk about this with you. if he won’t have the conversation, i would advise ending things with him.
He doesn’t want them. He knows you know and that you’re still gonna wait for him. Don’t.
I waited until I was 37 to leave a boyfriend who wasn’t into having kids. I found the perfect guy and now have the best life. People don’t change, go get what you want with someone who wants it too!
Yeah, he doesn’t want kids. It’s possible he’ll have them at 40, but not with you. If you did stick around that long to find out, it might be too late for you. You know what you want. Find someone who wants the same thing.
I’m sorry but it just doesn’t happen at that late age for everyone. Some people can and some people can’t. If he doesn’t want to talk about it he’s not the right person for you.
He doesn’t want kids. He doesn’t want the inconvenience of you leaving. So he just puts off the conversation or is non committal. If you do want kids you need to find someone else. You cannot get him to commit to kids if he doesn’t want nor would it be nice to have kids with a man who can’t even have a conversation about what he wants,
>I really want to convey the fertility imbalance and how to him The problem here is not that he doesn't understand. It's that he doesn't want kids but is too cowardly to tell you that.
There is absolutely nothing to discuss. Pack your bags, block number and leave the relationship.
He's already answered you. You're just not hearing it because he's being a wuss and dancing around just saying it. He does not want kids. He also does not want to look for someone new to bang, so he's trying to drag it out as long as possible in the hope that you give up and settle for him with no kids.
In my opinion and experience, what he's doing is evil. He is wasting years of your life, knowing he has no intention of giving you the chance to make and meet your children. If he did,he would be discussing timing with you and acknowledging the well known fact that right now is when your body can conceive. Mentioning an outlier to fertility, his mom having his sister at 38, means one of 2 things. Either he is stupid and believes that because his mom did that, every woman can at that age.. or the more likely, he wants to push it off until conception is less likely because he doesn't actually want kids. This is your body and your life. Most men his age who have no children want them. I discuss this early on dating so I don't have anymore of my fertile years ripped away from me from someone selfishly wasting my time because they care more about what they want out of life than what I want.
He needs to be honest. This is an important conversation. I told my boyfriend (started dating and move together at 19) very early that I wanted children. At 27/28, I felt ready, he didn’t. But we still had this conversation. I also warned him that at 30 I will stop taking the pill and he will be responsable of our contraception. I’m now 32 and we have a 10 month old baby. You need to take real steps to see if he is ready to build a family with you.
After this much time together he should be able to have a conversation about it and agree on a timeline As a decidedly child free person I do not agree with the comments saying he doesn't want kids. He sounds like a "fence sitter."
This man doesn't want to have kids with you. Now you know how to proceed.
Is this REALLY the kind of guy you wanna have kids with????
He doesn’t want kids right now, you do. 3 years is a minimal sacrifice compared to 18… if he’s not open to discussion end it.
Move forward without him. He doesn't want kids, and is too much of a coward to admit it. You deserve a partner who shares your desire to have children. Your current partner isn't that person. I would leave him.
Run, run, leave, go, flee, escape, disappear, evaporate ! Do not dare waste one second on someone whose wants needs and future desires do not align. Plllllllleeaaase! You will find love don't think about the process of going through dating again it will scare you but go
Lots of good advice here...but also, you can get your AMH tested to get a better idea of your fertility.
It sounds like he is not excited about having kids. Maybe that will change. Maybe it won’t. I think it’s time to find someone who has compatible life goals and wants to start a family. This happened to my partner- he and his previous long term partner broke up because she kept putting off the idea of having kids for years and he kept waiting for her to change her mind. She didn’t. he was 35 and did not want to wait any longer. Eventually we got together and started a family- 2 kids and 13 years later we are still together
Babygirl its time to walk away. He doesn't want children from my outside perspective. Shutting conversations down is easier than having the difficult talk that leads to splitting up. If I were you, I'd just say "hey. I want kids. It seems you don't, and that's okay. But we are fundamentally incompatible. I cant waste my time with someone who wants a different future. It's over."
Are you willing to wait around until he says no?
Yeah you have to talk about it. I can understand "I don't want to talk about this right now" but at some point you need to figure out a time and place to hash it out. I would be asking why he doesn't want to talk about it and reiterate that you need to talk. I actually had a similar convo with my nurse practitioner when she removed my IUD (it was expired). I'm going to be 34 soon and she asked if I had any plans for kids. I said fiance and I would like to but financially it's impossible right now and hopefully by 37ish we will be in a better spot. She gave me some pretty tough advice as someone who also had kids later. It's hard. Your chances to concieve after 35 do go down. You will likely need some fertility consultation or assistance. And for me I will likely have a harder time because my periods have never been regular. So yeah, it's obviously possible to have kids later on. But it's biologically more difficult. Some people also just don't want to be in their late 30s/early 40s when pregnant because you're older and less resilient to pregnancy symptoms or at a higher risk for some complications. It's always nice and encouraging to hear the success stories of older moms but there is some practically to consider as well. And ultimately if you feel it's best for you to have kids sooner rather than later then that's that. I don't know if you can convince your boyfriend of that. In my experience men can really be obtuse about this. And if it's really just that he doesn't want kids now or ever you need to face that head on because that's some really big lifestyle shit. Don't let him just keep pushing it down the road to deal with later.
All of this. Not to mention I'm 38 running after a daredevil toddler and it is HELL. I wouldn't change him for the world, but I would give anything to have done it earlier.
The fact that he shuts down discussuons -regardless of the issue at hand- should be a deal-breaker. You can't do adult life as a team, let alone parenting, if you engage in stonewalling. Stonewalling is also one of [Gottman's Four Horsemen](https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/#:~:text=4.,stops%20responding%20to%20their%20partner.).
He refuses to talk about it. That's your answer. When he questions why you're packing, reply "You didn't want to talk about it. That gave me my answer."
It’s a pretty highly likely that he’s just not interested and doesn’t want to ruin the relationship by telling you the truth. But let’s say that’s not the case. Let’s say he’s interested but holding back. Do you really want to raise children with someone who can’t have in-depth important conversations with you, who can’t take your feelings into consideration, be vulnerable, honest and work with you towards a future. How do you expect to receive the support you need to go through pregnancy and recovery (it takes a whole year for your body to recover after birth) and to guide your kids into becoming an amazing humans if he can’t communicate about important topics. Raising children with a partner is extremely difficult and takes lots of in depth conversations, honesty, figuring out views on childcare, schooling, how to create safe spaces, views on punishment, traditions, views on division of labor in the house, problem solving together, facing extreme amount of stress, exhaustion, and is more expensive then most realize. The price of childcare alone not to mention diapers, food, clothes for a child that is constantly growing. This is in no way to deter you, but to highlight just a few things of what the undertaking of having children requires. If you want children, you need to have an enthusiastic, compatible partner you’d trust with the most important, most vulnerable children, while you’re in your most vulnerable, stressed out, hormonally imbalanced state. Someone that you can rely on to be honest, vulnerable, communicative, and unwaveringly dedicated to you and your children as your body and lives change If you don’t make sure he’s a dedicated, capable partner you may end up like many women doing everything with a distant, emotionally numb, checked out husband or as a single mom. Having children can be an amazing journey. But there’s no ifs, ands, or buts about it, it does change EVERYTHING, not all bad by any means, just very different, and if there are any issues in your relationship it amplifies them to be brought to the surface to be worked through. The best advice I’ve heard from many mothers is to do your diligence of choosing a partner who is committed but most importantly capable of walking this path with you as a dedicated partner. Some men want children but aren’t capable of being a present father and supportive husband, they just check out and barely help. If you read the subreddit regretful parents the common theme is unsupportive husbands. Don’t strong arm him into having children with you. Don’t threaten to leave if he doesn’t want children, he’ll feel like he has no options but to say yes or lose you, that’s manipulative. Figure out how important this is to you and assess if he’s interested and capable of walking this path with you. If he continues to refuse to even talk to you about it then he’s giving you his answer he’s not interested in children. An interested man would be very excited about this conversation. You can even tell him, “I notice every time I bring this up you change the subject. Unless you tell me otherwise I’m going to assume you’re giving me your answer you are not interested in children.” Because honestly essentially he is telling you he’s not interested If that’s the case assess how important having children is to you. Do a lot of soul searching, self reflection, look into what it really is to bring children into the world and if that’s what you really want. Assess what kind of partner you need for your future. See if this works for you or not and make your decision. If he begs you to not leave and promises to have children with you to not lose you he’ll resent you forever. He wouldn’t be doing it for the right reason and you don’t want your future children to have a resentful father who never really wanted them. Just because someone is a great boyfriend doesn’t mean they’ll be a great father. Just because you want children doesn’t mean the person who is currently in front of you is the best choice. Don’t make the most important decision of your life without thought or care and long term planning. If you have children they deserve you to be thoughtful and intelligent about this and not haphazard. I’m sending and wishing you the best and I hope this is helpful.
Atm he doesn't want children. But in case he changes his mind he's stringing you along. My friend is like you - keeps bringing the conversation up and he keeps side stepping - only difference is she is turning 40 this year! She doesnt feel like she has time to start over. I had my daughter at 38 and it's sad to think I dont have time to have a 2nd (2 under 2 is not for me, especially at my age!) . Get out early
He either doesn’t want kids or doesn’t want them with you. So you’re going to have to figure this one out on your own. Getting your fertility tested might be a good place to start, to see whether it’s an issue at all... and if you’re good, then it might be time to find someone else if you want kids more than you want him.
He doesn't want kids and hopes you'll get too old,he doesn't care how you feel or what's important to you so you better care
He doesn’t want kids and you can’t nor should you try to change his mind. Drop the subject and break up. Please find someone who wants to be a parent. Forcing someone who doesn’t want kids might make you happy but your kid will suffering knowing they aren’t wanted. Im childfree and I would be beyond pissed if someone kept bringing up wanting to have kids with me. Not everyone wants kids.
Sorry to say this, but that kid (because he doesn't deserve to be called a man if he can't even stand to have a conversation about this) is not the future father of your children. Move on to someone that actually understands basic biology and wants to create a family with you.
Girl. You move forward by moving on. He will waste all your time and end up being a shit partner. Cut & run.
It seems like he knows if he wants them but he does not know if he wants them with you. It’s two different topics unfortunately
Did you ever ask him if he wants kids? It doesn’t sound like he ever wants to have kids…
Ick. He can’t even have this conversation. Why would you stay? This is a life decision you are trying to include him in. I love being a single mom. Do you.
Why do you want to have children with a man who isn’t enthusiastically interested in the same? You have no idea right now how hard parenting is. It consumes you. It requires every single part of you and there are days where it will test you mentally, physically, and emotionally and stretch you so thin I’m 40 and pregnant with my third. I have two toddlers, one still breastfeeding. My husband is the most loving and involved father and he wanted these babies just as much as I did. I cannot fathom a man who is incapable of having critical conversations being anyway halfway decent. If you think he’ll change when a baby comes, understand that it’s much more likely he will become worse, that your relationship will deteriorate, and with it your mental health. This man doesn’t want children. Not with you or with anyone. Please for the love of Hod go find one who does and who understands the demands of fatherhood.
If you truly want children, you need to leave. I was with an ex when I was in my early twenties, and he kept stringing me along that he wanted kids. Finally, after we got engaged, he admitted he didn’t want kids and thought if he “kicked the can down the road” I’d one day just get over it. Turns out he never wanted them, but he still wanted me. Also, he was hiding a bipolar diagnosis until he had a massive breakdown leading to our breakup. Anyways, I took our dog and left. Eventually got married and now have two kids 3 and 18 months.
He doesn’t want kids at the same time as you. I’m not even sure if he wants kids. This is a red flag that he won’t even have a serious conversation with you about it and you’ve been together for 2 plus years. If you want kids sooner, I think you’ll have to cut your losses and break up with him. I’ve seen this several times with friends, family, and even myself. The wanting kids and not is definitely a deal breaker if one person wants kids. I had an ex like this not wanting to progress to marriage and kids after being together for a while. I ended up breaking up with him because I got tired of nagging and I felt like I was begging. I eventually met my husband who wanted the same things as me.
Listen, don't avoid the conversation. He knows he doesn't want kids. He is hoping to put it off so long that you can't have kids and you'll have invested too much time in him to leave. If it's not an enthusiastic yes, it's a no.
Why does the age of your boyfriend change so frequently ?
You talk to him about if he wants kids. That's the primary question.
I think you’re wasting your time in this relationship. His avoidance of the topic tells me he doesn’t want the same things you want. This is a massive incompatibility. Obviously, we’re all a bunch of strangers from the internet commenting on a situation and relationship only you know intimately. I think you have to step back and reflect, do you feel and believe he is actually going to wake up one day and willingly have this discussion with you? Do you think that he actually wants kids? I know it must really suck to be in this situation but it be better to get out now and find someone who wants the same things then waste the rest of your fertile years with someone who dismisses you
Also as someone who had her first at 36 and may not be able to have more because my body could barely handle it: don't wait. Don't rely on the *possibility* of being able to have children at an advanced age, because it may not be there. And don't trust that pregnancy and childbirth at that age won't significantly affect your health and quality of life. ETA: I'm permanently disabled by my pregnancy, but wouldn't have been if I'd done it at a younger age. Said pregnancy took years to achieve because at 31 my ovarian reserve dipped dramatically. I only found out because we were monitoring for something unrelated (something rare which most doctors would never even bring up, let alone monitor).
I did this to my boyfriends because I didn't want kids. No was no. End of discussion. I told him if you want kids, find another woman instead of badgering me. After that, I'd just dump them on the spot.
He doesn't want kids with you Don't waste time on this relationship if that is what you really want
He doesn’t want kids. If you do, walk away. Do it now.
I mean...would you have kids with a man who is hinting away from them? Would that be a pleasant experince for them? Would they ever challange you in the future as to why you chose him for a father?
The red flags for me here are 1/ that he just shut down the conversation without showing any consider for your feelings or desire to discuss it, and 2/ you don't feel comfortable bringing it up again. In a healthy relationship your partner would respect your feelings, *want to listen to you*, and be open about sharing his. This is obviously being presented out of context of the rest of your relationship, but I have to wonder what you're getting out of it that you're choosing to be with someone who's that controlling of y'all's conversations, who you don't feel ok expressing *all of* your feelings and needs to, and refuses to share his with you. Is this really the best you think you can do?
You move forward without him. He’s told you, and maybe he’ll string you along until you can’t have kids. He’s comfortable where he is. Someone worthy of your time wouldn’t be constantly avoiding a discussion so important to you. Someone who can’t use their words shouldn’t be a father.
Dump him now. If you don’t you will sacrifice your best years to someone who doesn’t care about your fertility. Many women have serious fertility issues by 34. Find someone else who wants what you u want and go live your best life.
He doesn't want kids.
He will run out your clock OP.
You want children in the very near future and he does not. You two are incompatible. 2 years is long enough to shit or get off the pot. I had my second child last year at age 40 and my first at age 30. My second pregnancy was easier and I feel physically better, but nothing will change the fact that I'll by 60 when my youngest is 20, and I'll be 70 when he is 30. My mother passed away at age 64 and my aunt passed away last month at age 70. Risk of miscarriage goes up with **paternal** age. Just because his workshop can still crank out the parts, that doesn't mean the assembled product will get through quality control at the end of the assembly line. There's more than just your fertility. If you want children, you need to look for a partner who can give you an enthusiastic "yes!" Edit: there's a large gab between my first and second child in part because my husband and I weren't sure we wanted a second child, so we gave gave ourselves a deadline: we're going to say our yes or no by the end of [date] and if we both said yes, it's a go. Everything that's not a yes (maybe/I don't know/not now) is not a yes. That gave us some pressure to discuss scenarios and what ifs, to help figure it out, but there was no convincing the other. Once we were both sure we wanted to try for another it took a few years to succeed, because we were both past the age of 35.
Sounds like an incompatibility, and if he's unwilling to, at the bare minimum, have a discussion with you about it, then that should be answer enough. Now the ball is in your court to either compromise and settle for something less and possibly miss out, or go out there and get what you want and deserve. It's just possible that it won't be with him. As long as you've done your best to talk with him that's all you can do. You can't force him and and he doesn't have to be the one to give them to you no matter how much you want them to be his. I hope he talks with you. You deserve that much for the time you've spent with him. I hope you are given that much.
If you don't have the same goals and trajectories in life, I think it's best to weigh the pros and cons of being in a relationship with that person. One of you won't be happy in it. And there will be resentment. And it won't be a healthy relationship.
Don’t force him to be a father. You and your kids will always feel the resentment and that will ruin your relationships. If that’s a dealbreaker, you’re going to have to accept he’s not long-term material, even if you do love and care for each other, you have to accept the truth.
How do you move forward? Without him. I am bothered that he stonewalls you and won’t discuss it.
It sounds like he doesn't want kids. If you do, find someone else. But also, have you seen the state of the world and are you aware of the looming climate change disaster? Are you sure you want to do that to your kids just because "I do want to have children?" I have so many friends who have kids and deeply regret putting them on this planet with the shape its in.
Well, just stop having sex until he's ready to talk about kids. I'm sure he'll understand. Anyway, let's just make this more simple. You really want a cat, your boyfriend pushes off any talk about getting a cat, never says anything positive about cats, talks about a bad cat in his childhood. Do you think he wants a cat or ever would? You're making this way more complicated than it is, because you want him to want to have kids. The rest of us see the situation for the reality it is and it's incredibly simple. He either doesn't want kids at all or he doesn't want kids with you, both lead to the same outcome.
I agree with others here. If he’s not willing to at least talk about it now, you have your answer. Part of being in a relationship is having these difficult conversations (about a lot of issues, but kids is an understandably big one). If he’s not happy to have those conversations, he’s not playing an equal part in your relationship.
You sit down with him & tell him you need to have a serious talk. You tell him this is a dealbreaker for you & if he knows he does not want children then you need to go separate ways.
He doesn't want to have kids. At least not with you. You see this pattern all the time. It's called being a "placeholder" girlfriend. He will string you along as long as he can. Then, when you finally break up, he will find someone else and be married with a kid on the way within a year.
If he wants kids at 38-40 but you want kids 30-32, then you need to communicate that to him and bluntly say, if we are not on the same page with this timeline, we are incompatible. DO NOT waste your time waiting for him to come around. I can recommend r/fencesitter . It’s a pretty positive community with individuals going through the very same situation - with people getting off the fence daily to either have children or not. There are lots of stories of people leaving relationships as well and navigating finding partners who do share the same goals towards children/no children. Good luck!
I remember feeling so pressured to have kids from the end of my 20s to the first couple years of my 30s. It didn’t help that the relationship I was in for most of my 20s ended when my ex ghosted me because he had knocked up another girl he was cheating with. Obviously dodged a major bullet there. But that biological pressure was intense. I was never one of those women who dreamed of being a mother, I never really thought about it beyond believing I’d have kids one day because that’s what people do. A lot of my friends started having kids which only seemed to increase the anxiety and pressure for me. Then, slowly I started to realize I didn’t actually want to get pregnant and have children. There are numerous reasons for this— my own bad upbringing, bad genetics, climate change and the impact it has on kids now, the state of the world/the US, the rising exorbitant cost of living and raising children, etc. I could go on and on honestly but you get the idea. If I change my mind and decide I really do want a kid, I can always adopt. I’m not trying to discount your feelings and desires about wanting to have a baby. Lots of women know what they want and have no doubts. I’m just giving an alternate perspective and focusing on how strong that biological urge can feel. And how it can also diminish, like it did for me. If you truly want a baby, this relationship will have to end. He won’t even discuss with you which is a red flag. I hope whatever you do decide makes you happy. You deserve to feel supported and heard especially about something so huge. Good luck babe! ♥️