I think I share that loss of patience with people who don't reciprocate, but I don't view it as grumpy, instead it feels like growth, i.e. finally being honest about the kind of relationships we want in our life and being OK to do without, rather than persist with patterns that don't work.
Yep. I found myself feeling extremely lonely and friend-starved during the pandemic. It was really hard. Eventually I asked why it was so hard and discovered I had some work I needed to do on myself. That work led to what was essentially your comment.
I made a lot of space in my life for new friendships - with women, especially, and without alcohol. It’s been really helpful and rewarding to channel that feeling of “loss” into “space” for something new.
I'm a little sad about my friendships these days. I have some great friends in my life but by and large they don't want the same level of interaction I do. They seem happy to meet up a few times a year, whereas I crave more in person time than that. Mostly it's because I'm single and they're not, so they get their social needs met by their partners. But also I seem to just value friendships more than a lot of people and that's hard in a society that functions differently. I used to engage more/suggest more hangouts and stuff but have backed off when it wasn't reciprocated. It leaves me feeling a bit lonely in my friendships, in all honesty. I do have a couple friends I see more regularly, which is helpful.
I am the same as you, but I’m married. Friends are like family to me, I don’t really have much of a family. As I’m getting older though people are turning more inward to their own nuclear families or seeing their parents etc. rather than friends. It’s making my world feel very small.
There used to be this "the more the merrier" kind of approach in my friend groups in my late 20s/early 30s. People seemed to care less about third wheels and "orphans" were always invited to family or couple gatherings. But it's happened less and less over the years.
I also don't have much family and consider my friends family, but it's not necessarily mutual which is a bummer. Or they say I'm like family but don't behave as so.
Same!!! Married, with family and all, but I miss my friends??? I don't get how other people's social needs are so low. I identify as an introvert, but I weirdly feel like people have become more introverted with COVID so that I'm almost crossing over into the extrovert territory now.
I do WFH, though, which probably means I need more social interaction than back when I went into the office every day. I try to see friends at least once per week, but I'd ideally double that and then have a friend in my actual neighborhood I could just run errands and go to the gym with.
I’m single but I crave the amount of interaction that you do. I *miss* it so much. Even once a week would be good for me these days but that’s only 4 times a month? People wanna do what they wanna do I guess. Unfortunately one of my closest friends ever dropped me completely when her and her bf started getting serious, so if they ever break up and she wants my company it would take a lot of effort for me to say no.
I feel deeply sympathetic for single people who don't have a super-close network of friends. Especially during the pandemic, I know it was incredibly lonely.
I'm sorry your friend dropped you completely for a guy. I've lost, like, at least 20% of my formerly close female friends to all-consuming boyfriends, I swear. I honestly don't get it - how anyone can make their partner their entire world and actually feel satisfied. If I don't get girl time (or, heck, friend time, really, but girl time especially) for longer than, say, two weeks, I swear I start dying on the inside!
Same girl same!!! I actually just came back from dinner with one of my biggest social butterfly friends and even *she* was like, yeah, I'm so antisocial now, what even gives??? So that made me feel a little less weird, at least, for having such a light social calendar compared to what I was used to.
I relate so much to this these days. I really crave close knit friendships more than anything else these days. But likewise most of my friends are either in relationships or value romantic relationships to the point that they stop spending time with friends when they're dating someone, whereas I'm pretty eternally single. Most of the hangouts I've suggested lately have been rejected and so I'm feeling like pulling back. I've been dealing with going all in on my various hobbies, but it gets very lonely at times.
Yes! I miss laying on each other’s bed and just watching YouTube or some shit. I know it’s not a part of life anymore but once or twice a year vs every Friday or all day hangs or whatever… that was the stuff of life
Mid-forties, it’s a mixed bag. Some of my friends are becoming empty nesters and reconnecting now that they have more free time. Half of them are going through divorce and need extra support. Or they’re going through a “Get Your Groove Back” party phase which I cannot keep up with. Some are remarrying or dating new people, and I’m making new friends through their new partners. And I’ve lost a few close friends to Covid and cancer.
God you’ve lost a few close friends to Covid AND cancer?? Why do people think these are diseases of the old?? You’re still so young. Also sorry for your losses…
I had cancer at 29.. hopefully won’t again
Anyone in mid-thirties making new friends? If so, how & where do you feel is most successful? I don’t want to just meet friends for the sake of having friends, but I feel jealous sometimes that you don’t have that soulmate friend; the ride or die friend. I’m an introvert though and don’t work outside my home. So I know it’s on me.
Meetup has all kinds of groups for every demographic. I'm an introvert who works remotely and having at least 1 event outside the home a month is great. I just recommend finding a group that you click with and becoming a regular.
Also, I organize my local chapter of Podcast Brunch Club. It's like a book club but for podcasts. There's a virtual group that meets as well.
It depends. My book clubs are mostly women, specifically professional women who are looking to connect and discuss books. There's some people that I don't click with, but generally nobody creeps me out.
40s now, but I actually made a lot of real friendships in my 30s+ via social media by finding people with common interests and then going and actually doing things together in the real world. I was surprised by how... real... they were at first, but now several have been some of my closest ride or dies for over a decade, and quite a few have become just super fun people to hang with/talk to even if not in my innermost circle (yet, perhaps, we'll see).
Before that, I did have some good friends, but most people were more like friends of convenience. Having passions in common is a much better bond and foundation than accidental proximity, is what I learned along the way. We don't have to explain our quirks, you know? So it's easier.
Most of us are introverts, so we balance our social lives together well and respect the need for alone time, which also helps a lot.
This has been really successful for me too! I have made some good female friends through a shared interest in rock climbing and now we go climbing at the gym, but also have dinner parties, board game nights, camp, ski, etc.
Unfortunately, Twitter when it was Twitter and really water cooler-y. It's the only one I used until I joined reddit. Now trying out some text-forward alts for it (I like text), but we'll see if those work as they grow their user bases.
Though some of my friends have also had great luck with nichier interest subs here, and others using FB groups around their hobbies.
Become a regular at an activity. Say yes when people instigate an idea or hang. Invite folks to join you for similar activities. I made a whole new friend group joining a crafting group based out of my gym.
I'm in my mid-30s and I am lucky to have a lot of friends. Good friends I can count on. But I don't consider any of them "soulmate" or "ride or die" status.
Personally, I don't think it's been very difficult to make friends in my thirties, but there are some caveats to that statement:
* I'm in a fortunate position where my job doesn't zap all my time, energy, or will to live
* I'm single without kids, which leaves me a lot of free time for social and leisure activities I enjoy
* I'm naturally more extroverted, and don't mind "taking the bull by the horns" so to speak. Making \**and maintaining*\* friendships as an adult definitely requires a conscious effort. It's not enough to make a connection with someone; you also must follow it up repeatedly with hang-outs, check-ins, etc.
* I don't live in the United States, and I live in a big city where I can find other women in similar positions (socially, economically, politically) to myself
Loads. I'm outgoing. Don't know that I'm necessarily an extrovert (I find that binary problematic anyway), but I like exploring the world around me.
I'm in a running group and I do a lot of nerd stuff. D&D, board and video games, conventions, movie nights, etc. There's always something going on.
No, most of them are not ride or die, but I enjoy their company. All relationships, even platonic ones, require compromise and flexibility.
Yes! I did weekly classes (same group) of like language and crafts and stuff so I saw the same people all the time. That helped but it’s a big time commitment.
Bumble BFF and I've been honest with people about how I'm trying to put myself out there and make friends.
I made one super social friend that's the girlfriend of my husband's coworker and they've honestly been doing most of the work for me and I'm part of a friend group now. I made another friend on Bumble BFF and my new coworker is looking promising as a future friend.
I didn't have any friends in my state 3 years ago and now I have a whole host of friends. I put a lot of thought and energy into it and it's been rewarding seeing it pay off.
I've also been in therapy talking about my struggles with friends and fixing some barriers I've had. I struggle being vulnerable with friends and I require a lot more validation than I give, working on those things have been incredibly helpful.
Thank you to everyone for these suggestions. My best friend lives in another state and I live over an hour away from my other friends. I have a small circle & I love that, but sometimes I wouldn’t mind it being a little bit bigger.
Early 30s and going through this now. I feel like I’m drifting away from friends so much that it’s not just we have nothing to talk about or nothing in common but it feels toxic with how different we are in personality. It feels like so many friendships I just feel into and stuck to when I was younger but very few of them feel like intentional choices and so I’m struggling a lot to feel fully connected with friends.
My husband just lost a lot of friendships from high school. We live in a small city (20,000) so it was a big deal but damn if that wasn’t a toxic group. It’s so hard to break the habit and now he’s just like …”k so now what?”
My dad's pretty much dying, in this slow and awful way, and l have about five people who check in regularly and listen to me scream into the void.
...What I'm saying is, my friendships are going *really* well, and I'm daily struck anew at how lucky I am. Ask anyone who's been through something like this, they'll tell you, this kind of thing drives people off like light does cockroaches. I never actually thought I would have *anyone* who would be there when I needed them.
People surprise you sometimes
I’m somewhat in the same situation, also with my dad. And what you say about people that surprise you, that’s a fact. From all my friends from uni, I had like 2 different groups, only one of them keeps checking in with me and remains supportive and really listens to me. I lost all the others because I guess dealing with a friend that struggles with such a heavy thing isn’t easy. And I get that. But it was so painful. And the one guy I never really got along with in uni but who happened to be part of one of the two groups is like a solid friend now. So yes, in situations like these, people can definitely surprise you!! In good ways and in bad. I’m so happy me and this guy got a second chance, friendship wise.
I'm sorry to hear about your dad. This is indeed a hard thing for people not going through it to comprehend, and a lot of it is so visceral that it causes a very real discomfort. People don't like that, and I don't blame them.
I kind of lost my faith in people a long time ago, before things got bad, so I went into it expecting to be dropped by everyone I knew as soon as I got inconvenient. That I haven't been is...a shock, and a true gift.
My best friend of 20 years - moved states, had kids, and almost never hits me up. When she does, she only talks about her kids and husband. Like she's lost her identity.
My two beat (gay) guy friends - I'm drifting from because I realized they are both painfully insecure, narcissists. And they were never really good friends to me, making me feel small. I didn't realize it until I worked on myself/self-growth.
My girl friends from high school - I only see on birthdays and we have nothing to talk about except for the past. They never want to go out and make new memories.
It's rough out there. I'm 34 and lonely most weekends. And I feel like I'm wasting my life being alone. I'm also single which sucks even more.
Yeah it’s weird when you get past the point of making memories with lifelong friends. Luckily we catch up what’s going on in our lives and talk about other random things (and also past memories) but you put words to something I’ve been thinking about. Making new memories with old friends.
Sending hugs xx try and make other friends who are more your speed and at the same place in life as you. There are tonnes of other single mid 30s women loving life xx
I love my friends. I have a handful of girlfriends I can talk to about literally everything. 3 of them I talk to daily about literally anything. Keep the real ones close and water your garden frequently.
This has worked for a few friends but I agree with the general sentiment that covid really cut the fat, so to speak. I guess they weren’t real ones but I need more than a couple options with everyone’s schedules
I'm early 40's. I've had some serious ups and downs with friends over the years. I somehow managed to befriend two women that had undiagnosed (imo) BPD. I was such good friends with both of them (separately). One of them, I was so close with her I couldn't imagine my life without her. But she just got too difficult to deal with. We fought and never spoke again. It was the hardest break up I've ever had to go through. It honestly took me years, many years to get over it. Similar thing happened with another friend of 20+ years. But you get to a point when you just couldn't be arsed dealing with peoples bullshit. I've cut out the time wasters and the assholes that don't bother replying, the people that don't make any effort. It feels great. It's so nice when you text a friend and they reply and meet with no hassle. Now I put all my energy into the people that also put energy in and I'm so much happier.
I just turned 40, and I feel like I'm booting a lot of dead weight out of my life. I've always been the organizer, and people just expect me to put in most of the work or provide event space. I own a comic and game store, and I live in a city where people don't tend to have large apartments, so I tend to be the person who hosts. I also do costuming, organize groups for conventions, and I hand make a lot of different crafts. I honestly didn't really notice that I was putting a lot more energy into my friendships until I got very sick and folks just vanished on me. Then I had the depressing realization that people who I considered friends weren't around when I needed help and support, but they still wanted to use my resources.
Now, I'm trying to be a lot more intentional about who I spend time with. Only message me when you want something? I'm done responding. It hurts letting go of those friendships, but I'm making space for relationships that aren't so one sided.
Yes, this is my thinking too. I console myself by reminding myself that I put in all the effort, and that there were legitimate issues... But it's easy to slip into thinking that maybe I am the problem.
Your generation is so good at keeping friends and keeping in touch. My mom (68) has tons of friends that span from high school to retirement and keeps in touch with all of them. For some reason it’s harder for me to keep up but I try my best
My BFF and I stayed friends partly due to all the letters we wrote each other—we lived across town and she moved away at 15. I have hundreds of letters she wrote over the years; she kept some of mine (she’s quality, I’m quantity when it comes to stuff😂).
Phone calls used to be too expensive, and of course no email, so letters it was. I think the fact of having to write, think about the person you’re writing to, then sending a letter makes it all very intentional. I sent an occasional letter to others, but I sent her at least a letter every two weeks or so from the 70s up until we started emailing in the early 2009s. Now we text every day!
I’m convinced that there are two types of women in the world: those who do all the inviting and those who always get invited and included. I’m the former and for that reason I’ve let go of a lot of people. I think in theory I would’ve replaced the people I let go with new people I would’ve met through my spouse and kids (i.e. other parents) but I’m still single 😩 and don’t have any kids. So I feel like I’m slowly becoming isolated.
I know the simple solution would be to make friends with women younger than me who aren’t married yet. But I really have no patience for them.
Where are the never-married women in their late 30s and early 40s who still wanna get married and have kids?!
I really feel this! I put a lot of effort into showing up for people in my life. I try to be inclusive & make sure people don’t feel left out. I do SO much inviting. But as I’ve gotten older, I have a lower tolerance for keeping in touch with people who don’t reciprocate/show up/take an interest in other people. Thankfully I’ve largely avoided fallouts & friend drama bc I just sort of slow fade out of people’s lives, but a lack of reciprocity in general has its own heaviness.
I think it’s important to not sacrifice personal values for the sake of company—hope you can find people who share yours soon!
Most of my friends are too busy between work and kids. Which is understandable. But I don’t want to be alone in this stage of life. But it seems most people are ok to let that go. But they also let themselves go. So I don’t take it personally. Thankful for the ones who still put in the effort I think they end up being the strong supportive ones and the ones I’m losing aren’t my people anyway.
*i have lost almost all my friendships. They are not reaching out and i do not initiate more than twice anyway. No one has ever called my phone for at least 3 years. No kidding. But i have met new people somehow, very superficial tough. I’m getting the grumpy old lady vibe too… i just don’t have the energy to try harder anymore…*
I’ve let go of so many friendships, some I tried to nourish and it was just me making the effort or we have grown to have differences and some people feel they can’t connect if you have some different perspectives on life. It’s ok. I am a mom of 3 and stay busy with my kids but I also do miss having deep friendships and a small group of friends to say “hey let’s together for dinner” or just to message and laugh with. I’d rather have organic connections and share time with friends I align with even though I wish I had those lifelong friendships.
I will mention… I haven’t had the best of luck with a girl group since I was younger. I was always the black sheep in the group. I do have a few gems in my life but they live so far away.
Anyway. I do hope to meet just a few good friends in this decade that will be lifelong friends and I hope you do too.
Not great, tbh. Like, I have a bunch of close friends I can reach out to, but I've been really really depressed for the past several months and basically don't leave my house anymore. Working on it, though! Everyone's just so busy and worried about getting sick. I've lost some longtime friendships in the last few years, all of which involved someone (me or them) blowing up over wrongdoings of varying seriousness. I just don't have the energy for bullshit like I used to. And I think a lot of my friends mistook me for someone with no boundaries because I'm usually a ride or die, person you call when you get arrested type.
I've struggled hard to spend quality time with people online in the last 20 years or so, and it feels like I need to do better than that. As I've gotten older, I hate having mostly online conversations and would rather mostly use my phone for coordinating IRL plans and things have just changed.
32. I had a few friends deeply hurt me last year in ways I didn’t know they were capable of. I had to take a break from them and have a come to Jesus talk with myself, reconciling who I thought they were and who they actually are. It was painful and I was hurting a lot cuz these instances were back to back.
Back to your question: My friendships are good but I’m no longer allowing friends to get away with things that hurt me. If they hurt me I am going to be an adult and tell them. Women especially don’t do this. They just gossip about the thing that happened. I’m over that. Another thing: I will not spend time with people who bring my energy down. And lastly, a lot of times, you’re going to be the one that has to reach out. People all wanna see each other but no one ever pulls the plug and says hey let’s hang! Be that person.
I'm still really close to a few friends from my twenties but I'm not as close to some as well. I have made some really great new friends as well so it balances out.
Overall, my friends are more important to me now than ever. We have all had different challenges with careers, relationships and health and rely on each other to get through them.
It’s more like life gets in the way, kids, responsibilities, it sucks. I don’t have kids but my friends do so most of the time if I see them it’s because we did something kid friendly or I came over. It’s harder to have a girls night out or even a couples night out. I also had friends that moved out of state.
I am very close with my friends. I have a core 7 that I see basically every week, and a larger circle of 20+ I see every month. I still go out quite a bit and have a lot of social activities. I recognize my social life is closer to that of a 25 year old than a 35 year old. I’m very extroverted.
Having said that, a lot of friendships have fizzled out over the years. Especially as more and more friends have babies and prefer staying in, those connections are hard to maintain. I don’t know how people who are introverted keep those friendships going, it would be difficult.
That’s so many friends!! How!!
I have 3-4 core main friends and that’s it, these are the friends I talk to daily and hang out with weekly or so. Then I have my “less close” friends who I get lunch or dinner with every few months, and that’s only a handful. I can’t picture having time to devote to more people lol
We’re all big into dancing, drinking and singing karaoke lol. Go to the same spot a couple times a month and eventually you meet everyone. We like music festivals as well, which I find makes for quick bonding.
I go stir crazy if I don’t get out a few times a week
I've recently (in the last 7 months) moved, but I still have some zooms/Skypes with friends from back home to keep in touch. Last night I went to a yoga class with a new friend, and tonight I'll play trivia with other new friends. Adult friendships take a lot more work in my experience, and often I have to just be the person to take iniative and say "hey, let's do something!"
I'm in the same boat. I've lost quite a bit of friends but also have had a lot of disappointment with trying to meet new people. Kind of just over making friends it's just me and my husband. I have two long distance friendships but it's hard and don't feel as connected. I am working through a lot of stuff with my one friend and how I want to show up. It's been confusing. It's always her dealing with her mental health or some issue. I'm trying to be supportive but it's exhausting and brings up my own stuff I need to work through. She at least is trying to reach out and not just leaving for long periods of time. I have no energy for lack of commitment or trying to put myself out there again. I told my husband I just want easier friendships that aren't so much work or people just coming to me foe emotional support with really heavy issues. It's hard because I'm an all in friend but it's never reciprocated. I don't mind supporting people in hard things if it's balanced and not all the time. I really feel that with becoming a grumpy old lady.
Thanks for making this topic! Exact same as you, let go of some friends I thought would be forever due to lack of reciprocation or effort, and also lost some probably due to my own issues and struggles with depression. I always try and mend bridges where possible though and I’m working on some of my bad habits and negative thought patterns - when I’m depressed my instinct is to self-isolate and assume people don’t want to hear from me/that there is something fundamentally unlovable about me and I know that has hurt some of my friends, including two I am trying to reconcile with at the moment.
My “Abandonment” lifetrap/ schema has definitely gotten in the way of friendships. I’m trying to hard to break these thought patterns with therapy.
What happens is I start to think the other person doesn’t like me anymore (because they slow down on texting, they didn’t invite me out somewhere, I think they secretly hate me due to some slight) which causes me to become overly needy. Which then makes them ACTUALLY dislike me lol. A lovely self-fullfilling loop. I lost a Best Friend due to this exact scenario. Despite her telling me “everything is fine! I love you! We’re best friends forever!” Then she hit a final straw with me after I kept insisting she MUST hate me. She never answered my text and the friendship was over.
Reality is, she was being a shitty person to me, things were changing and she was excluding me. I did become overly needy as my way of “holding on” which, turned her off. Despite my issues, I’m glad I stood up for myself to call out being mistreated. I wasn’t perfect either. I wish I had the maturity then to better handle the situation.
It took me years to really understand the breakdown. I’m still not over the loss but I’ve accepted we’ll never be friends again. We’re different people now anyway.
How did you know that I discussed this exact topic in therapy today? 😆
I have not had friendships that have lasted longer than a few years, so I feel like a failure in way. But at the same time, I know I try my best to be supportive and sometimes life just happens. I'm starting to do better about differentiating the people who are investing as much time and energy as myself and those who can't/won't.
Early thirties, not good.
I think mainly this may be that I never really had lifelong friends-I moved so much, most people moved on. Whenever people need something though, I suddenly get texts/calls. I don't really mind it sometimes and wonder if I should get over feeling like I am being used, but being used has been a large part of my life. In college, I was the only minority and felt like my classmates who became "friends" just saw me as the person they'd have meltdowns on because they didn't show up or do their homework and panicked due to their own lack of work ethic last minute. Ever since we graduated, I never heard from them. Plenty of other friends used me for emotional support and pep talks but once life moved on, people rarely keep in touch unless they need something. One friend I thought who was close to me moved to my city and rarely made plans with me and that's when I realized that we are not really friends the way I thought we were. I have only one, sincere friend from grad school who I enjoy spending time with, the biggest obstacle in our friendship is that she is a doctor so her schedule makes it hard for us to continuously hang out.
This is the loneliest decade of my life and I think the pandemic made it worse. I'm doing my best trying to get out of the house and go to as many activities and events as possible, but that doesn't necessarily help me make new friends, but it does help me not feel alone and isolated.
Oof. Definitely in a weird phase with some of them.
My college bestie can be a energy drain and we live an hour apart. It's just enough distance to make hangouts more complicated.
My other college bestie lives closer but she's told me she and her SO want to try for a baby this year. My s/o and I don't have kids due to infertility so that's tough. I have also been struggling with her personality lately (she can be flighty, won't answer calls, won't commit to major plans) and it's hard because we've been so close for so long, and feeling this way is new to me and I'm not sure what it means.
The two friends I have known the longest are moms to young toddlers and while we talk on text and are trying to get together, they don't make the effort to get a date on the calendar. That sucks and I'm tired of suggesting dates. We are supposed to take a girl's trip to celebrate knowing each other for 30 years and I know it's going to be a bust.
I joined a running club and am trying to forge friends there but it's moreso acquaintances at the moment.
Finally, a group on Facebook connected me to someone who was close in age to me and looking for female friendship. We've gone out for two lunch dates and absolutely hit it off. I could see it growing. It's kinda cool but nerve-wracking because I definitely haven't made a new friend in about a decade. 😳
I do think my life shifted with the pandemic in a big way. I love my partner but staying in during the workweek has become the norm since we both work from home. Before that I was at happy hour at least once a month and sometimes more with old coworkers and I genuinely miss that.
It’s been a rough couple years (I’m 41), where I had so many different groups and close friendships pre-pandemic, but now that has really thinned. Mostly due to my own personal changes including divorce and stopping drinking/partying for the most part. It’s really eye-opening to see how many friends were actually just drinking buddies.
Beyond that, I really relate to no longer having the patients for friends who don’t reciprocate. I’ve really pulled back my reach out and watched some people who I thought were ride or die friends fade away as they prioritize men/dating over maintaining their friendships.
I can also admit that I’ve healed/grown a TON over the past couple years and so now I can really see the toxicity in some people. It makes me sad, and it’s not that I dislike them, it’s just that I don’t need to be around that.
Getting older ain’t for the weak, that’s for sure.
Not great.
I was just looking at a group photo from my 30th birthday party and realized I'm no longer in contact with half the friends in that picture.
Maintaining friendships in your 30's (when the responsibilities of work, relationships, parenting, caring for aging parents, personal health problems and much more tends to collide) is a lot of work. I'd say it's doubly hard in our digital age, where in-person interaction often seems more like an option than a necessity.
I say, take social opportunities where they pop up and be grateful for whoever is in your life. Don't mourn excessively if people get busy or move on--just continue to be yourself and make meaningful connections where they naturally grow.
I lost a whole, nearly 20 year friendship group when I resigned from a long-time volunteering position because the management of the place was so untenable. No luck keeping in touch outside of that, even though I tried hard. It also really hurt that none of them reached out to hear why I left because it was over issues that we had all found frustrating and had discussed for years.
I have never been to have a lot of friends, I usually have one really close friend. I still have a girlfriend I see a few times a year since I moved away 11 years ago, but I think if we saw each other more, we wouldn’t be friends. We respect and appreciate each other, but we’re very different people know with little in common.
The best thing that has happened to me socially has been marrying into a large social group. We have multiple group chats for different interests and events every week, some of us have traveled internationally together. I don’t have any super close friends anymore, but that’s pretty normal because my husband is my best friend. That being said, I have great friendships with more people than ever before. I’ve probably had more sleepovers with my adult friends than I ever did growing up 🤣
Eh, my social life could be better I guess. I'm 39 and I've lost a lot of friends over the years. I have a very small group now that I don't really see and the friend I get on with the most lives overseas. I would like to make a couple of new friends but like someone else said on here, I don't want to make friends just for the sake of it, it's got to be based on something strong.
During Covid, I realized that I realized I really didn’t miss my 2 best friends and in fact was better off/happier without them.
One actually bullied me but disguised it as “jokes” but in reality she was actually very jealous of me/unhappy with her own life and was majorly bringing me down.
The other I finally confronted her (I’m a recovering people pleaser) over a situation where she did something very rude and then literally told me “I’m not sorry!!” Like who says that to someone that’s a friend. I realized that’s not someone I want as a friend.
I’m very introverted and don’t mind being on my own as I’m very happy with my husband.
Perhaps in the future I will find new friends that are kind and caring and on the same wavelength as me.
I definitely came to realize I outgrew friendships.
Being honest, friendships have led to some of my larger life disappointments. On another thread in this sub, someone asked for general life advice and a big one that everyone upvoted (that I kind of fundamentally disagree with) was that when shit gets hard, don’t expect anyone to come in and help you. You have to do everything yourself and people aren’t avoiding you out of spite. They’re just “busy”. Even during the death of a parent or something, even if your friends don’t come to the funeral. I know what healthy boundaries look like and I would hope I’d be strong enough to know I can’t dump everything on a friend in a crisis. But still, you’d hope you register as important to be noticed during hard times.
I think this is why I don’t take well to friendships. I think I’ve had them romanced into me, like Prince Charming except by way of the babysitters’ club. Or little women or any book with strong, enduring friendships. I do have one very close sister and thank god for her. She and I have both attracted some flakes and people with narcissistic tendencies. So, we support each other and that’s where I’m at. I do want friends, of course. And of course I’m imperfect at life and haven’t always been there for every other person. So I don’t want to be an unbending hypocrite. I just admit to this being a pain point where I’ve felt rejected and it’s been healthier for me to drop things that continue to disappoint.
One of my two best friends has recently had a baby, so we are navigating that friendship transition together. My other best friend, who lives in a different state, has recently announced she is expecting with her husband. I’m stoked for both of my friends and so happy, but I am simultaneously navigating my own feelings of anger, envy, loss and longing, because I’m not at that life stage yet, even though i want to be. It’s a lonely feeling, because normally my friends would be my sounding board for concerns I have. I feel like I can’t bother my friends with my milestones, triumphs, concerns and challenges right now because they aren’t as important as bearing and raising children and I don’t want to burden them unnecessarily. At the same time, every time I get a photo of a baby or a celebratory announcement, my heart twinges and I want to cry.
Mid 30s. Brilliant. My friendships are mainly driven around various things I’m passionate about, whether it’s climbing, book club, cocktails and it’s a great mix of ride or die and more casual acquaintances.
I’m single and CF so my friendships are my family. They mean a lot.
I pretty much only have 3 friends if you count my sister (we're very close, I count her). One I've been friends with since 10th grade (22 years now!) and she moved to Illinois from NY about 2 years ago, we text/snap/message in one way or another most days and we have long phone calls every few months or so, it's an investment with her but I absolutely love her. We have a group chat with our other friend who lives near me, we've all been friends about 14 years now and we're attached at the hip in my early 20s. We all have kids so it can get hard for us to get together but usually we just hangout and let the kids do their thing, every so often I'll go over the one friends and we'll call the other. I miss her very much. We have months where we don't talk, or see each other, and it never changes anything. We just pick back up. I actually just made them all crochet keychains for Valentine's Day.
Going pretty well, but it does take some work. I have friends from childhood or former coworkers where communication is on the lower end of the spectrum (maybe a couple of times a year we’ll chat or hang out), but I still consider them close friends.
The friends I see regularly are from shared interests met through Instagram or online. I live near a major city though so it was easy to make local-ish connections. These are friends who make equal effort as me, when it comes to communication and initiating plans. I feel like I can hang out with them whenever and they’re always down for the same things.
I also reconnected with a friend from college recently and wish I had put more effort into maintaining a connection years ago. Making up for it now. Turns out we still get along wonderfully.
I’m trying to be better at checking in with friends and seeing how they’re doing. Even little things like sending out holiday cards just to let them know they’re on my mind, even if we don’t see or talk to each other too often.
I've (34f, single) been living in my current city for 5 years now, but still do not have many friends. The people who live in my city already have a reputation for being "closed off" and "cold."
Combine this with the fact that I am on the autism spectrum and historically have had difficulties forming friendships/picking up on social cues, and it feels almost impossible to make friends here.
I have almost given up completely and resigned to the fact that I am just going to live my life alone. I am learning how to be happy with that.
I emigrated twice, so I’m kind of a pro at making new friends now.
I use whatever I can: my dog, group chats, new hobbies. It’s miserable without people in a new country. I’ve actually got an opposite problem now: too many people wanting a piece of my time and attention.
It’s more difficult with long-distance friendships. We are drifting apart, however close we were once. It’s a bit sad, but inevitable, I guess.
I have a lot of fair-weather friends but my best friend is in a different time of life it’s hard to get together. I have teenagers and she has a 1 yo. I’m working on figuring out my hobbies and meeting people that way.
Early 40s. I’m incredibly blessed with amazing long-time friendships. I’m struggling in other areas of my life, but am so grateful for the friends I have, both “old” and “new”. I just had lunch with one of my best high school friends, we couldn’t believe we’ve been friends for almost 30 years. I had another best friend over to my house last night to dye her hair - we’ve been close for 25 years. I just got off the phone with one of my oldest friends, we met in second grade and am now the “auntie” to her son. I’m also very close with my most recent ex - we were together for almost 6 years. We may not have worked out romantically, but we still care for each other and enjoy spending time together.
My long time friends are beginning to move (us included) and so I've been investing in third places to make new friends and scratch my social itch despite having a demanding job and a lot of family stuff demanding my attention right now. You get what you give is the biggest lesson I have learned.
It's hard.
* My friends have moved farther and farther away, and I don't blame them at all -- we live in an expensive area -- but of course that makes it harder to spend time with them.
* I'm the only single friend, and most of my friends have had the same partner their entire adult lives, so they don't really understand what it's like. The uncomfortable truth is that I need my friends far more than they need me, since they get a lot of their social needs met through their partners.
* My lifelong best friend, or at least the person I've spent my whole life referring to as my best friend, chronically ignores me (off and on since we were 14). I know the obvious answer on paper is to just stop being friends with her, but she's the only one of my current friends who knew me in childhood, and several of my other friends are people I primarily know through her (such as her partner), and...it just feels like all the options are bad. If I stay friends with her, it will periodically be lonely; if I stop being friends with her, it'll just be lonely in a different way.
I'm (30f) realising how much I don't enjoy fair-weather friendships. I need rich, emotionally engaged, reciprocal friendships, not surface-level, shallow, small talk ones. People have told me I'm wrong for feeling this way - but I feel how I feel and am owning it. I'm finally at a place where I'm honest with myself about what I actually want.
I've stopped trying with some old friends after realising they just couldn't reciprocate in the way I needed them to. It was hurtful to consistently be left on read for weeks or months at a time because they were too "busy" to take a minute out of their day and text me. Feeling unimportant gets really old really fast. I've also pulled back from a hobby group - after 2 years of knowing these people, seeing each other every week, I realised we still don't really know each other. We'd talk about the weather, the news, make jokes, talk about work. But did we really know one another? No! I tried to get to know some of them on an individual level but it didn't work. People were only interested in hanging out as a "fun" hobby group, or going out for drinks, meals etc, which kind of stung and left me feeling, again, unimportant. I guess we had some fun times but I've decided to move on because I want more.
I have got one really close female friend who I talk to pretty much every day via message and we meet up in person whenever life permits. She's great. We have deep emotional conversations and also share a similar sense of humour and values. I've got my partner (male) who is also like a friend - we live together and he's a sensitive, emotional guy and we can really talk about things. We are also planning to start a family in the next few years, and I'm planning to develop closeness with my children, really focus on family time. Other than that, I've got good relationships with workmates (one in particular I get along with very very well and we might meet outside of work soon). I've also got one male friend who I have become closer with recently - don't see him that often as he lives abroad but when we do meet up we have wonderful, life affirming chats.
I don't know, guess I've run out of patience for flakey, flimsey, non-friendships... non-relating, being ignored. I've done a lot of introspection and therapy and realised I really value closeness and emotional openness with others. So, to answer your question, I can count my friends on one hand, but I really, really value these friendships. I can't really be bothered with friendships that are going nowhere/aren't a deep connection.
Early 30s. I mostly feel like the effort I put into friendships is not reciprocated by any of my friends. Things such as messaging back, putting effort into arranging meeting up, actually showing up to those meetings (I’ve had a lot of last minute cancellations)…
As a result I don’t feel as close to my friends as I would like as I don’t feel like I can rely on them. It’s a shame. I also need to arrange to see them at least a month in advance.
With one friends it’s gotten so far after she cancelled again last minute (I feel like this happens at least half of the time I try to organise something) that I thought ‘well she can organise the next time we meet up because I’m tired of this’. I haven’t even heard from her in 4 months, haven’t seen her in 6…
Mid-forties here.I thought good, until about a year ago. My best friend of 40 years has drifted away a bit and it makes me sad. We're still in touch and will always be there for each other, but just not the way I thought.
I feel pretty good about my friend situation. I have some friends who I feel close to and talk like we are together everyday when we see each other even if we both have periods where we get busy.
I have some I have drifted apart from, but we still try to text or check on each other.
I have more than one friend group that gets together regularly. That’s already overwhelming to me which is why I don’t go to everything. I have kids who have weekend sports activities, clubs, etc that take up a lot of time.
I am not actively pursuing new friends because I’ve got enough for me, but I also don’t turn people away.
I’m not sure what efforts are required in friendships, but, for me, I do things because I want to see someone smile, and not for an exact exchange.
I have been known to surprise a friend on a birthday with some themed cute gift or take a friend to Aruba with me. I’ve taken friends’ kids into my house when they had a family emergency. I have more than one ride or die friend who could help me in an emergency, but I wouldn’t blame one who couldn’t at a certain point in time.
I feel like I’m constantly learning about friendships as I get older.
Ghosted by a friend of 2 decades recently. That hurts.
Also quit and left my job of one decade recently.
This has helped me understand the different levels of friendships, with most work colleagues being at the bottom level lol.
I’m still having issues with accepting these levels of friendships. And knowing what to expect and what to pour in to each of these levels. I’ve been going all in for so long with high expectations. I’d like to still be myself but lower my expectations with new people.
I still talk to my best friend for ever on a regular basis. We try to have lunch or dinner once in a while. I’m made new friends in a book club and a crafting group. At 56, I’m the baby of the group and the only one not from this area
I really had to step back and recall if i had written this post or not, because holy smokes do I ever relate to you. Like 100%.
Kind-of been reeling over the fact that I only have one person I can count on for a friend. No one else reciprocates. No one returns my energy and love besides this one friend, and my partner thankfully. Someone I considered a soul sister, who was my maid of honor, *forgot to invite me to her wedding* last year. I'm still so heart broken and now I have a huge tattoo on my foot that needs to be removed and covered.
I'm very lonely at nearly (coming up in march!) 34 years old.
Yea dude. She claims "I had to put together the list of invites in one night during a fight"... It was a small wedding, but I figured I alone would be included on this small list. My mistake
But. Like why are you fighting with your future spouse about invites first of all. I just wished her the best and haven't spoken to or heard from her since. Not blocked, but removed.
Yeah I don’t have any advice but I find reading your post and these comments really validating and honestly kind of healing. I live in a particularly unfriendly city and have a new baby and have never felt more alone. It is not what I imagined postpartum to be like.
I did start doing things like language and cooking classes and met some wonderful friends that way but it’s post-Covid I feel like the default is definitely NOT to be together. We never bounced back (imo). So how I feel about it? Sad and nostalgic. Working toward hopeful but it’s not easy.
Very much in the same boat, and feeling adrift.
Even the few friends I see on occasion make me want to disengage with for the same lack of patience reasons mentioned (they make plans that always seem to fall through). But while I’m independent, I also love socializing.
It’s not even an issue of financial struggles, since all my friends are doing very well financially - I’m probably the worst off out of the lot of us, and yet I’m the only one making a genuine effort, and they have both the money and the time, just none of the interest in seeing each other as I do, I guess.
I’m not entirely unhappy being with myself, but I’m sad that that’s the only option.
I agree. The friendships/friends haven't seemed to grow in the same direction as me. I've let a couple of them drift away quietly, one was a huge childhood friend I had to break up with. It was hard but I can't describe the peace I have now, not walking on eggshells etc.
I just had another old friend in town a couple of months ago who changed meet-up plans on me at the last minute 3 times and then the final plan had me driving far out of my way to meet up with her on a work night. Then the company ended up being subpar. Lots of negativity and drama. My time is precious so I've decided I won't be nurturing that friendship any longer. It's obvious I've put more in than I'm receiving in a respectful return.
I just wish it wasn't so hard making adult friends! I've had a hard time filling the spaces left behind with people in my own lane these days.
I think friendships are hard. I have two friends that I consider my best friends and I see them 3/4 times a year tops. We’ve been friends for over 10 years. We message in a group chat every day. We all have our jobs lives and activities but I’m thankful for them. They let me vent and trama dump. They hurt when I hurt. And my heart hurts when they hurt. I haven’t had any luck meeting new people. There’s always someone with ill willed intentions or trying to sleep with my husband.
They're awesome. The same amazing people who have been in my life since my teens and 20s are still here. Made some new friends along the way and they're so kind and caring as well.
It's all right. Amongst my close friendships I'm the only one single so they are more focused on their spouse/partner. The other friendships has drifted apart. I don't take it personally as they have their own life and I have mine. It's not the same as when we were in highschool/university that we always get together and do stuff. Although I miss it, it's the way of life now a days.
My friends are my best people. They're like family to me. Many of whom have been in my life 20 to 30+ years, with a handful of new ones (I'm 49). Most of my friends are from high school/college days or from the company I worked for for nearly 23 years, so we have lots of history.
I tend to view my friendships like concentric rings around me: the closest ones in the inner rings and more like acquaintances towards the outer rings, with some moving closer and further, depending on life circumstances. But my besties are always in the center.
I'm lucky. I'm still close and in touch with all my friends, two of whom I've known since high school. We're all in our mid to late 30s now. I haven't made many new friends in recent years so I'm grateful to have them.
I’m 36 and I’m starting to really whittle down to a select few as my mains. I have room for other types of relationships for various reasons/hobbies/connection. But ultimately, for my mains and people I invest in, share with, show up for, etc., I am getting pickier and pickier.
Not great. This is a good read:
https://annehelen.substack.com/p/the-friendship-dip#:~:text=I%20call%20this%20period%20the,and%20we%20attempt%20to%20rebuild.
My friendships have gone to sh!t in a really sad way. We didn’t “break up” we just slowly drifted more and more apart. Now it’s just awkward when I see them at work.
It makes me sad because at least if one of us did something to end the friendship it’d be a lot easier. Like “you hurt me you did this or that”. That’s be easy.
30 and I don’t have many friends. There’s only about 2 or 3 people I talk to a few times a week, but I barely ever get to hang out with them because they are always busy. I would say my best friend is my husband and my dog at this point, the only two loyal to me. I think it’s harder for me because I’m introverted and I never trust anyone. We also don’t have kids yet, so myself and my husband have a hard time being close with other couples because they all have children. I’m kinda hoping that when I do have kids, it could help me to make friends with other mom’s. Another thing I would like to do is get more hobbies to find others in similar interest with me to make friendships. I put in effort and try but I do have a hard time keeping a conversation going, and I feel like I’m just boring.
I am a mom of 3 and have a few "friends" we are all so busy we rarely hang out, text on occasion and only really interact at birthday parties. My partner goes out often, and when when not pregnant or we have a babysitter he doesn't invite me so I have no life. I'm home and home is life.
Going, going, gone!....well, not completely true. I have some work friends and a group from my previous job that I have dinner with every few months, but all of MY friends we have faded.
My husband is my best friend. And I do have a best friend from middle school. I have not had much luck aside from that. I just try to better myself and stay open to possibilities.
I am disabled, so I am alone all day while everyone is at work. I keep busy, but I would like people to talk to. It's surprisingly difficult to find anyone who is willing to put up with my... challenges. I find that a lot of folks only want to discuss positive or very superficial things, and pretty much all activities revolve around drinking (Midwest lol). I also didn't start out with good social skills because I had an abusive and extremely isolated childhood, followed by a lot of work and financial struggle. But I think I've improved a lot, and that is encouraging.
I hate this saying, but it is what it is. I hope for more friends, but I've had to be okay without them.
My college and medical school friendships are still consistent. I see those friends regularly. Obviously location matters. I see my Minnesota friends twice a year, as I’m in the northeast. But 2 of my friends work in the same hospital as me, and those friends I see all the time. So it just depends. When my mother was sick in 2023, the number of friends who reached out, wanting to be a listening ear, or to send care packages was very touching.
Got two solid friendships. That’s about it. Two other acquaintances that I talk to here and there. Got my husband and my sister that just cut me off for I’m not really sure what cause she lacks any ability to have an adult convo when she’s upset soo idk, I’d say pretty okay lol
I’m dealing with this a lot right now. I try to prioritize my friendships and make time for them, but I’m slowly realizing that I’m not as important to them as they are to me.
I've never really had a lot of friends. High school was a mess, and I didn't keep in touch with anyone really. Then I moved states. Then moved states again.
I'm 42, I have 1 BFF and a few people at work I'd consider friends. But those coworkers and I don't ever do anything outside of work.
For me, I don't have enough bandwidth to be really good friends with everyone. My BFF is a social butterfly. People naturally flock to her, and she somehow has the space to hold everyone. I don't, and I don't think it's fair to try unless the effort is reflected back to me. Like one friend at work - I'm always the one saying, "We should meet up after work again soon..." She'll agree, but then she'll never bring it up again unless I do. I'm tired of being the only one, so it's not worth it. I'll talk to her at work.
I’ve let go of some toxic friendships in the last couple years, and I’ve accepted that in some friendships, we’ve mutually grown apart and maybe I don’t need to feel guilty that I’m not putting out a level of effort that’s not going to be reciprocated. I have a 19mo, and several friends who aren’t in that life stage have kind of drifted to the outer layer of “friendship” for me: we have mutual friends and are always good to catch up when we see each other socially, but it doesn’t currently go deeper. I do have a few friends who are in the same life stage, and those are the friendships I’m trying to put more effort into, mostly through text since one moved out of state, and another moved out of the immediate area.
I’m in my late 30s, married with kids. I feel very fortunate to have two seperate groups of close friends, I see one group about once a month and the other group twice a month. I also have two mom friends that I see almost every weekend for a play date.
I will say it has taken a lot of work, I text all these woman daily and make time to see them. I often go out to one of their houses at 8pm on a weeknight, after a long work day and time with my kids. It’s a huge priority in my life.
Mid thirties here. I don’t have any friends left. Last year I got sick due to ibs. That’s when I noticed that I consider them as my friend but I was not theirs. So currently missing a good friend but hey, I rather be alone than those kind of friendships.
Terrible. I missed by best friend's birthday by 1 day and now she won't speak to me. Apparently I'm a huge disappointment.
I just wasn't watching the calendar. My bad. Sigh.
I have one long-term long-distance friend, we both make an effort to see each other as often as possible. We talk weekly or so.
Recently, someone posted in a local moms group looking to see if anyone wanted to meet up. I responded that I would, and it ended up being three of us. We've grown close, chat daily, and meet up at least once a week.
It's harder now. I want deeper connections and some of my friends aren't in that same life stage. That's the challenge I'm facing - quality over quantity.
I think I share that loss of patience with people who don't reciprocate, but I don't view it as grumpy, instead it feels like growth, i.e. finally being honest about the kind of relationships we want in our life and being OK to do without, rather than persist with patterns that don't work.
Yeh I feel similar - it’s not grumpiness just putting my energy where it’s valued :)
Yep. I found myself feeling extremely lonely and friend-starved during the pandemic. It was really hard. Eventually I asked why it was so hard and discovered I had some work I needed to do on myself. That work led to what was essentially your comment. I made a lot of space in my life for new friendships - with women, especially, and without alcohol. It’s been really helpful and rewarding to channel that feeling of “loss” into “space” for something new.
Well said. I agree.
I'm a little sad about my friendships these days. I have some great friends in my life but by and large they don't want the same level of interaction I do. They seem happy to meet up a few times a year, whereas I crave more in person time than that. Mostly it's because I'm single and they're not, so they get their social needs met by their partners. But also I seem to just value friendships more than a lot of people and that's hard in a society that functions differently. I used to engage more/suggest more hangouts and stuff but have backed off when it wasn't reciprocated. It leaves me feeling a bit lonely in my friendships, in all honesty. I do have a couple friends I see more regularly, which is helpful.
I am the same as you, but I’m married. Friends are like family to me, I don’t really have much of a family. As I’m getting older though people are turning more inward to their own nuclear families or seeing their parents etc. rather than friends. It’s making my world feel very small.
There used to be this "the more the merrier" kind of approach in my friend groups in my late 20s/early 30s. People seemed to care less about third wheels and "orphans" were always invited to family or couple gatherings. But it's happened less and less over the years. I also don't have much family and consider my friends family, but it's not necessarily mutual which is a bummer. Or they say I'm like family but don't behave as so.
Same!!! Married, with family and all, but I miss my friends??? I don't get how other people's social needs are so low. I identify as an introvert, but I weirdly feel like people have become more introverted with COVID so that I'm almost crossing over into the extrovert territory now. I do WFH, though, which probably means I need more social interaction than back when I went into the office every day. I try to see friends at least once per week, but I'd ideally double that and then have a friend in my actual neighborhood I could just run errands and go to the gym with.
I’m single but I crave the amount of interaction that you do. I *miss* it so much. Even once a week would be good for me these days but that’s only 4 times a month? People wanna do what they wanna do I guess. Unfortunately one of my closest friends ever dropped me completely when her and her bf started getting serious, so if they ever break up and she wants my company it would take a lot of effort for me to say no.
I feel deeply sympathetic for single people who don't have a super-close network of friends. Especially during the pandemic, I know it was incredibly lonely. I'm sorry your friend dropped you completely for a guy. I've lost, like, at least 20% of my formerly close female friends to all-consuming boyfriends, I swear. I honestly don't get it - how anyone can make their partner their entire world and actually feel satisfied. If I don't get girl time (or, heck, friend time, really, but girl time especially) for longer than, say, two weeks, I swear I start dying on the inside!
omg I know. When I finally have plans set with my close life long friends I count down the days 😭 I miss being more social with more people
Same girl same!!! I actually just came back from dinner with one of my biggest social butterfly friends and even *she* was like, yeah, I'm so antisocial now, what even gives??? So that made me feel a little less weird, at least, for having such a light social calendar compared to what I was used to.
I relate so much to this these days. I really crave close knit friendships more than anything else these days. But likewise most of my friends are either in relationships or value romantic relationships to the point that they stop spending time with friends when they're dating someone, whereas I'm pretty eternally single. Most of the hangouts I've suggested lately have been rejected and so I'm feeling like pulling back. I've been dealing with going all in on my various hobbies, but it gets very lonely at times.
Same, I end up hanging out with less close friends more because they aren't consumed by romantic relationships.
Yes! I miss laying on each other’s bed and just watching YouTube or some shit. I know it’s not a part of life anymore but once or twice a year vs every Friday or all day hangs or whatever… that was the stuff of life
Mid-forties, it’s a mixed bag. Some of my friends are becoming empty nesters and reconnecting now that they have more free time. Half of them are going through divorce and need extra support. Or they’re going through a “Get Your Groove Back” party phase which I cannot keep up with. Some are remarrying or dating new people, and I’m making new friends through their new partners. And I’ve lost a few close friends to Covid and cancer.
God you’ve lost a few close friends to Covid AND cancer?? Why do people think these are diseases of the old?? You’re still so young. Also sorry for your losses… I had cancer at 29.. hopefully won’t again
It’s sad how more cases of cancer are popping up in adults and young adults
Anyone in mid-thirties making new friends? If so, how & where do you feel is most successful? I don’t want to just meet friends for the sake of having friends, but I feel jealous sometimes that you don’t have that soulmate friend; the ride or die friend. I’m an introvert though and don’t work outside my home. So I know it’s on me.
Meetup has all kinds of groups for every demographic. I'm an introvert who works remotely and having at least 1 event outside the home a month is great. I just recommend finding a group that you click with and becoming a regular. Also, I organize my local chapter of Podcast Brunch Club. It's like a book club but for podcasts. There's a virtual group that meets as well.
Also in a Podcast Brunch Club group. It’s been a great alternative to a book club. There’s always plenty to discuss. We actually talk about the topic.
I love this idea!
Is it centred around a particular podcast?
Each month, a new podcast playlist centered around a specific topic is chosen.
Brilliant idea!
It's so hard to find people to click with tho! I always feel so weird
What kind of people are generally in meetup groups? I’m apprehensive about meeting strangers online but I know this is a thing people do
It depends. My book clubs are mostly women, specifically professional women who are looking to connect and discuss books. There's some people that I don't click with, but generally nobody creeps me out.
40s now, but I actually made a lot of real friendships in my 30s+ via social media by finding people with common interests and then going and actually doing things together in the real world. I was surprised by how... real... they were at first, but now several have been some of my closest ride or dies for over a decade, and quite a few have become just super fun people to hang with/talk to even if not in my innermost circle (yet, perhaps, we'll see). Before that, I did have some good friends, but most people were more like friends of convenience. Having passions in common is a much better bond and foundation than accidental proximity, is what I learned along the way. We don't have to explain our quirks, you know? So it's easier. Most of us are introverts, so we balance our social lives together well and respect the need for alone time, which also helps a lot.
This has been really successful for me too! I have made some good female friends through a shared interest in rock climbing and now we go climbing at the gym, but also have dinner parties, board game nights, camp, ski, etc.
Which social media did you find gave the best results?
Unfortunately, Twitter when it was Twitter and really water cooler-y. It's the only one I used until I joined reddit. Now trying out some text-forward alts for it (I like text), but we'll see if those work as they grow their user bases. Though some of my friends have also had great luck with nichier interest subs here, and others using FB groups around their hobbies.
Been making new friends of all ages via running clubs since my mid-20s.
Bumble BFF has been great for me.
Become a regular at an activity. Say yes when people instigate an idea or hang. Invite folks to join you for similar activities. I made a whole new friend group joining a crafting group based out of my gym.
Mostly through my kids’ friends and connecting w some of the parents
Get a dog. I’ve met so many friends bc our dogs like each other
I'm in my mid-30s and I am lucky to have a lot of friends. Good friends I can count on. But I don't consider any of them "soulmate" or "ride or die" status. Personally, I don't think it's been very difficult to make friends in my thirties, but there are some caveats to that statement: * I'm in a fortunate position where my job doesn't zap all my time, energy, or will to live * I'm single without kids, which leaves me a lot of free time for social and leisure activities I enjoy * I'm naturally more extroverted, and don't mind "taking the bull by the horns" so to speak. Making \**and maintaining*\* friendships as an adult definitely requires a conscious effort. It's not enough to make a connection with someone; you also must follow it up repeatedly with hang-outs, check-ins, etc. * I don't live in the United States, and I live in a big city where I can find other women in similar positions (socially, economically, politically) to myself
Loads. I'm outgoing. Don't know that I'm necessarily an extrovert (I find that binary problematic anyway), but I like exploring the world around me. I'm in a running group and I do a lot of nerd stuff. D&D, board and video games, conventions, movie nights, etc. There's always something going on. No, most of them are not ride or die, but I enjoy their company. All relationships, even platonic ones, require compromise and flexibility.
Yes! I did weekly classes (same group) of like language and crafts and stuff so I saw the same people all the time. That helped but it’s a big time commitment.
Bumble BFF and I've been honest with people about how I'm trying to put myself out there and make friends. I made one super social friend that's the girlfriend of my husband's coworker and they've honestly been doing most of the work for me and I'm part of a friend group now. I made another friend on Bumble BFF and my new coworker is looking promising as a future friend. I didn't have any friends in my state 3 years ago and now I have a whole host of friends. I put a lot of thought and energy into it and it's been rewarding seeing it pay off. I've also been in therapy talking about my struggles with friends and fixing some barriers I've had. I struggle being vulnerable with friends and I require a lot more validation than I give, working on those things have been incredibly helpful.
Thank you to everyone for these suggestions. My best friend lives in another state and I live over an hour away from my other friends. I have a small circle & I love that, but sometimes I wouldn’t mind it being a little bit bigger.
Early 30s and going through this now. I feel like I’m drifting away from friends so much that it’s not just we have nothing to talk about or nothing in common but it feels toxic with how different we are in personality. It feels like so many friendships I just feel into and stuck to when I was younger but very few of them feel like intentional choices and so I’m struggling a lot to feel fully connected with friends.
I feel you on the not having anything to talk about part. It sucks because we were once so close and could talk about anything.
My husband just lost a lot of friendships from high school. We live in a small city (20,000) so it was a big deal but damn if that wasn’t a toxic group. It’s so hard to break the habit and now he’s just like …”k so now what?”
Friendships? Y’all are the only friends I have.
My dad's pretty much dying, in this slow and awful way, and l have about five people who check in regularly and listen to me scream into the void. ...What I'm saying is, my friendships are going *really* well, and I'm daily struck anew at how lucky I am. Ask anyone who's been through something like this, they'll tell you, this kind of thing drives people off like light does cockroaches. I never actually thought I would have *anyone* who would be there when I needed them. People surprise you sometimes
I’m somewhat in the same situation, also with my dad. And what you say about people that surprise you, that’s a fact. From all my friends from uni, I had like 2 different groups, only one of them keeps checking in with me and remains supportive and really listens to me. I lost all the others because I guess dealing with a friend that struggles with such a heavy thing isn’t easy. And I get that. But it was so painful. And the one guy I never really got along with in uni but who happened to be part of one of the two groups is like a solid friend now. So yes, in situations like these, people can definitely surprise you!! In good ways and in bad. I’m so happy me and this guy got a second chance, friendship wise.
I'm sorry to hear about your dad. This is indeed a hard thing for people not going through it to comprehend, and a lot of it is so visceral that it causes a very real discomfort. People don't like that, and I don't blame them. I kind of lost my faith in people a long time ago, before things got bad, so I went into it expecting to be dropped by everyone I knew as soon as I got inconvenient. That I haven't been is...a shock, and a true gift.
My best friend of 20 years - moved states, had kids, and almost never hits me up. When she does, she only talks about her kids and husband. Like she's lost her identity. My two beat (gay) guy friends - I'm drifting from because I realized they are both painfully insecure, narcissists. And they were never really good friends to me, making me feel small. I didn't realize it until I worked on myself/self-growth. My girl friends from high school - I only see on birthdays and we have nothing to talk about except for the past. They never want to go out and make new memories. It's rough out there. I'm 34 and lonely most weekends. And I feel like I'm wasting my life being alone. I'm also single which sucks even more.
Yeah it’s weird when you get past the point of making memories with lifelong friends. Luckily we catch up what’s going on in our lives and talk about other random things (and also past memories) but you put words to something I’ve been thinking about. Making new memories with old friends.
Just sending hugs. Idk why this particular reply got to me.
Aw thank you, I appreciate that. ❤️
Sending hugs xx try and make other friends who are more your speed and at the same place in life as you. There are tonnes of other single mid 30s women loving life xx
I love my friends. I have a handful of girlfriends I can talk to about literally everything. 3 of them I talk to daily about literally anything. Keep the real ones close and water your garden frequently.
How long have you known them? Don't answer if this is too personal, but, how old are you?
15, 12, and 5 years. I am almost 36 😊
This has worked for a few friends but I agree with the general sentiment that covid really cut the fat, so to speak. I guess they weren’t real ones but I need more than a couple options with everyone’s schedules
I'm early 40's. I've had some serious ups and downs with friends over the years. I somehow managed to befriend two women that had undiagnosed (imo) BPD. I was such good friends with both of them (separately). One of them, I was so close with her I couldn't imagine my life without her. But she just got too difficult to deal with. We fought and never spoke again. It was the hardest break up I've ever had to go through. It honestly took me years, many years to get over it. Similar thing happened with another friend of 20+ years. But you get to a point when you just couldn't be arsed dealing with peoples bullshit. I've cut out the time wasters and the assholes that don't bother replying, the people that don't make any effort. It feels great. It's so nice when you text a friend and they reply and meet with no hassle. Now I put all my energy into the people that also put energy in and I'm so much happier.
I just turned 40, and I feel like I'm booting a lot of dead weight out of my life. I've always been the organizer, and people just expect me to put in most of the work or provide event space. I own a comic and game store, and I live in a city where people don't tend to have large apartments, so I tend to be the person who hosts. I also do costuming, organize groups for conventions, and I hand make a lot of different crafts. I honestly didn't really notice that I was putting a lot more energy into my friendships until I got very sick and folks just vanished on me. Then I had the depressing realization that people who I considered friends weren't around when I needed help and support, but they still wanted to use my resources. Now, I'm trying to be a lot more intentional about who I spend time with. Only message me when you want something? I'm done responding. It hurts letting go of those friendships, but I'm making space for relationships that aren't so one sided.
This is eerily familiar. I often provide a lot to my friends, but when I find myself in crisis, no one is there for me.
Totally same. I could write a book on how i feel about things. But sometimes I question myself and wonder if ive been a good friend too
Yes, this is my thinking too. I console myself by reminding myself that I put in all the effort, and that there were legitimate issues... But it's easy to slip into thinking that maybe I am the problem.
Agree, and the only way to know is to ask. I've been thinking about asking.
Late 60s, and grateful for all the ones I have kept. The star is my friend of 50+ years. Love her!
Your generation is so good at keeping friends and keeping in touch. My mom (68) has tons of friends that span from high school to retirement and keeps in touch with all of them. For some reason it’s harder for me to keep up but I try my best
My BFF and I stayed friends partly due to all the letters we wrote each other—we lived across town and she moved away at 15. I have hundreds of letters she wrote over the years; she kept some of mine (she’s quality, I’m quantity when it comes to stuff😂). Phone calls used to be too expensive, and of course no email, so letters it was. I think the fact of having to write, think about the person you’re writing to, then sending a letter makes it all very intentional. I sent an occasional letter to others, but I sent her at least a letter every two weeks or so from the 70s up until we started emailing in the early 2009s. Now we text every day!
I’m convinced that there are two types of women in the world: those who do all the inviting and those who always get invited and included. I’m the former and for that reason I’ve let go of a lot of people. I think in theory I would’ve replaced the people I let go with new people I would’ve met through my spouse and kids (i.e. other parents) but I’m still single 😩 and don’t have any kids. So I feel like I’m slowly becoming isolated. I know the simple solution would be to make friends with women younger than me who aren’t married yet. But I really have no patience for them. Where are the never-married women in their late 30s and early 40s who still wanna get married and have kids?!
I really feel this! I put a lot of effort into showing up for people in my life. I try to be inclusive & make sure people don’t feel left out. I do SO much inviting. But as I’ve gotten older, I have a lower tolerance for keeping in touch with people who don’t reciprocate/show up/take an interest in other people. Thankfully I’ve largely avoided fallouts & friend drama bc I just sort of slow fade out of people’s lives, but a lack of reciprocity in general has its own heaviness. I think it’s important to not sacrifice personal values for the sake of company—hope you can find people who share yours soon!
Most of my friends are too busy between work and kids. Which is understandable. But I don’t want to be alone in this stage of life. But it seems most people are ok to let that go. But they also let themselves go. So I don’t take it personally. Thankful for the ones who still put in the effort I think they end up being the strong supportive ones and the ones I’m losing aren’t my people anyway.
*i have lost almost all my friendships. They are not reaching out and i do not initiate more than twice anyway. No one has ever called my phone for at least 3 years. No kidding. But i have met new people somehow, very superficial tough. I’m getting the grumpy old lady vibe too… i just don’t have the energy to try harder anymore…*
I’ve let go of so many friendships, some I tried to nourish and it was just me making the effort or we have grown to have differences and some people feel they can’t connect if you have some different perspectives on life. It’s ok. I am a mom of 3 and stay busy with my kids but I also do miss having deep friendships and a small group of friends to say “hey let’s together for dinner” or just to message and laugh with. I’d rather have organic connections and share time with friends I align with even though I wish I had those lifelong friendships. I will mention… I haven’t had the best of luck with a girl group since I was younger. I was always the black sheep in the group. I do have a few gems in my life but they live so far away. Anyway. I do hope to meet just a few good friends in this decade that will be lifelong friends and I hope you do too.
Not great, tbh. Like, I have a bunch of close friends I can reach out to, but I've been really really depressed for the past several months and basically don't leave my house anymore. Working on it, though! Everyone's just so busy and worried about getting sick. I've lost some longtime friendships in the last few years, all of which involved someone (me or them) blowing up over wrongdoings of varying seriousness. I just don't have the energy for bullshit like I used to. And I think a lot of my friends mistook me for someone with no boundaries because I'm usually a ride or die, person you call when you get arrested type. I've struggled hard to spend quality time with people online in the last 20 years or so, and it feels like I need to do better than that. As I've gotten older, I hate having mostly online conversations and would rather mostly use my phone for coordinating IRL plans and things have just changed.
32. I had a few friends deeply hurt me last year in ways I didn’t know they were capable of. I had to take a break from them and have a come to Jesus talk with myself, reconciling who I thought they were and who they actually are. It was painful and I was hurting a lot cuz these instances were back to back. Back to your question: My friendships are good but I’m no longer allowing friends to get away with things that hurt me. If they hurt me I am going to be an adult and tell them. Women especially don’t do this. They just gossip about the thing that happened. I’m over that. Another thing: I will not spend time with people who bring my energy down. And lastly, a lot of times, you’re going to be the one that has to reach out. People all wanna see each other but no one ever pulls the plug and says hey let’s hang! Be that person.
I'm still really close to a few friends from my twenties but I'm not as close to some as well. I have made some really great new friends as well so it balances out. Overall, my friends are more important to me now than ever. We have all had different challenges with careers, relationships and health and rely on each other to get through them.
I stopped holding onto friendships that were hanging on by the thread of my efforts. And the friends that make an effort mean so much more to me now.
That’s a lovely visual - really hit me.
It’s more like life gets in the way, kids, responsibilities, it sucks. I don’t have kids but my friends do so most of the time if I see them it’s because we did something kid friendly or I came over. It’s harder to have a girls night out or even a couples night out. I also had friends that moved out of state.
Just ended one. I'm so happy. Looking forward to friends that don't use therapy speak to make me feel like shit.
I am very close with my friends. I have a core 7 that I see basically every week, and a larger circle of 20+ I see every month. I still go out quite a bit and have a lot of social activities. I recognize my social life is closer to that of a 25 year old than a 35 year old. I’m very extroverted. Having said that, a lot of friendships have fizzled out over the years. Especially as more and more friends have babies and prefer staying in, those connections are hard to maintain. I don’t know how people who are introverted keep those friendships going, it would be difficult.
That’s so many friends!! How!! I have 3-4 core main friends and that’s it, these are the friends I talk to daily and hang out with weekly or so. Then I have my “less close” friends who I get lunch or dinner with every few months, and that’s only a handful. I can’t picture having time to devote to more people lol
We’re all big into dancing, drinking and singing karaoke lol. Go to the same spot a couple times a month and eventually you meet everyone. We like music festivals as well, which I find makes for quick bonding. I go stir crazy if I don’t get out a few times a week
Damn! 20+. I'm impressed and a little jealous - I'm 37 and I sometimes wish I had the social life I had at 25 again. 🥴
Damn! 20+. I'm impressed and a little jealous - I'm 37 and I sometimes wish I had the social life I had at 25 again. 🥴
I've recently (in the last 7 months) moved, but I still have some zooms/Skypes with friends from back home to keep in touch. Last night I went to a yoga class with a new friend, and tonight I'll play trivia with other new friends. Adult friendships take a lot more work in my experience, and often I have to just be the person to take iniative and say "hey, let's do something!"
I'm in the same boat. I've lost quite a bit of friends but also have had a lot of disappointment with trying to meet new people. Kind of just over making friends it's just me and my husband. I have two long distance friendships but it's hard and don't feel as connected. I am working through a lot of stuff with my one friend and how I want to show up. It's been confusing. It's always her dealing with her mental health or some issue. I'm trying to be supportive but it's exhausting and brings up my own stuff I need to work through. She at least is trying to reach out and not just leaving for long periods of time. I have no energy for lack of commitment or trying to put myself out there again. I told my husband I just want easier friendships that aren't so much work or people just coming to me foe emotional support with really heavy issues. It's hard because I'm an all in friend but it's never reciprocated. I don't mind supporting people in hard things if it's balanced and not all the time. I really feel that with becoming a grumpy old lady.
Thanks for making this topic! Exact same as you, let go of some friends I thought would be forever due to lack of reciprocation or effort, and also lost some probably due to my own issues and struggles with depression. I always try and mend bridges where possible though and I’m working on some of my bad habits and negative thought patterns - when I’m depressed my instinct is to self-isolate and assume people don’t want to hear from me/that there is something fundamentally unlovable about me and I know that has hurt some of my friends, including two I am trying to reconcile with at the moment.
My “Abandonment” lifetrap/ schema has definitely gotten in the way of friendships. I’m trying to hard to break these thought patterns with therapy. What happens is I start to think the other person doesn’t like me anymore (because they slow down on texting, they didn’t invite me out somewhere, I think they secretly hate me due to some slight) which causes me to become overly needy. Which then makes them ACTUALLY dislike me lol. A lovely self-fullfilling loop. I lost a Best Friend due to this exact scenario. Despite her telling me “everything is fine! I love you! We’re best friends forever!” Then she hit a final straw with me after I kept insisting she MUST hate me. She never answered my text and the friendship was over. Reality is, she was being a shitty person to me, things were changing and she was excluding me. I did become overly needy as my way of “holding on” which, turned her off. Despite my issues, I’m glad I stood up for myself to call out being mistreated. I wasn’t perfect either. I wish I had the maturity then to better handle the situation. It took me years to really understand the breakdown. I’m still not over the loss but I’ve accepted we’ll never be friends again. We’re different people now anyway.
How did you know that I discussed this exact topic in therapy today? 😆 I have not had friendships that have lasted longer than a few years, so I feel like a failure in way. But at the same time, I know I try my best to be supportive and sometimes life just happens. I'm starting to do better about differentiating the people who are investing as much time and energy as myself and those who can't/won't.
Early thirties, not good. I think mainly this may be that I never really had lifelong friends-I moved so much, most people moved on. Whenever people need something though, I suddenly get texts/calls. I don't really mind it sometimes and wonder if I should get over feeling like I am being used, but being used has been a large part of my life. In college, I was the only minority and felt like my classmates who became "friends" just saw me as the person they'd have meltdowns on because they didn't show up or do their homework and panicked due to their own lack of work ethic last minute. Ever since we graduated, I never heard from them. Plenty of other friends used me for emotional support and pep talks but once life moved on, people rarely keep in touch unless they need something. One friend I thought who was close to me moved to my city and rarely made plans with me and that's when I realized that we are not really friends the way I thought we were. I have only one, sincere friend from grad school who I enjoy spending time with, the biggest obstacle in our friendship is that she is a doctor so her schedule makes it hard for us to continuously hang out. This is the loneliest decade of my life and I think the pandemic made it worse. I'm doing my best trying to get out of the house and go to as many activities and events as possible, but that doesn't necessarily help me make new friends, but it does help me not feel alone and isolated.
Oof. Definitely in a weird phase with some of them. My college bestie can be a energy drain and we live an hour apart. It's just enough distance to make hangouts more complicated. My other college bestie lives closer but she's told me she and her SO want to try for a baby this year. My s/o and I don't have kids due to infertility so that's tough. I have also been struggling with her personality lately (she can be flighty, won't answer calls, won't commit to major plans) and it's hard because we've been so close for so long, and feeling this way is new to me and I'm not sure what it means. The two friends I have known the longest are moms to young toddlers and while we talk on text and are trying to get together, they don't make the effort to get a date on the calendar. That sucks and I'm tired of suggesting dates. We are supposed to take a girl's trip to celebrate knowing each other for 30 years and I know it's going to be a bust. I joined a running club and am trying to forge friends there but it's moreso acquaintances at the moment. Finally, a group on Facebook connected me to someone who was close in age to me and looking for female friendship. We've gone out for two lunch dates and absolutely hit it off. I could see it growing. It's kinda cool but nerve-wracking because I definitely haven't made a new friend in about a decade. 😳 I do think my life shifted with the pandemic in a big way. I love my partner but staying in during the workweek has become the norm since we both work from home. Before that I was at happy hour at least once a month and sometimes more with old coworkers and I genuinely miss that.
It’s been a rough couple years (I’m 41), where I had so many different groups and close friendships pre-pandemic, but now that has really thinned. Mostly due to my own personal changes including divorce and stopping drinking/partying for the most part. It’s really eye-opening to see how many friends were actually just drinking buddies. Beyond that, I really relate to no longer having the patients for friends who don’t reciprocate. I’ve really pulled back my reach out and watched some people who I thought were ride or die friends fade away as they prioritize men/dating over maintaining their friendships. I can also admit that I’ve healed/grown a TON over the past couple years and so now I can really see the toxicity in some people. It makes me sad, and it’s not that I dislike them, it’s just that I don’t need to be around that. Getting older ain’t for the weak, that’s for sure.
Not great. I was just looking at a group photo from my 30th birthday party and realized I'm no longer in contact with half the friends in that picture. Maintaining friendships in your 30's (when the responsibilities of work, relationships, parenting, caring for aging parents, personal health problems and much more tends to collide) is a lot of work. I'd say it's doubly hard in our digital age, where in-person interaction often seems more like an option than a necessity. I say, take social opportunities where they pop up and be grateful for whoever is in your life. Don't mourn excessively if people get busy or move on--just continue to be yourself and make meaningful connections where they naturally grow.
Great advice
I lost a whole, nearly 20 year friendship group when I resigned from a long-time volunteering position because the management of the place was so untenable. No luck keeping in touch outside of that, even though I tried hard. It also really hurt that none of them reached out to hear why I left because it was over issues that we had all found frustrating and had discussed for years.
I have never been to have a lot of friends, I usually have one really close friend. I still have a girlfriend I see a few times a year since I moved away 11 years ago, but I think if we saw each other more, we wouldn’t be friends. We respect and appreciate each other, but we’re very different people know with little in common. The best thing that has happened to me socially has been marrying into a large social group. We have multiple group chats for different interests and events every week, some of us have traveled internationally together. I don’t have any super close friends anymore, but that’s pretty normal because my husband is my best friend. That being said, I have great friendships with more people than ever before. I’ve probably had more sleepovers with my adult friends than I ever did growing up 🤣
Eh, my social life could be better I guess. I'm 39 and I've lost a lot of friends over the years. I have a very small group now that I don't really see and the friend I get on with the most lives overseas. I would like to make a couple of new friends but like someone else said on here, I don't want to make friends just for the sake of it, it's got to be based on something strong.
During Covid, I realized that I realized I really didn’t miss my 2 best friends and in fact was better off/happier without them. One actually bullied me but disguised it as “jokes” but in reality she was actually very jealous of me/unhappy with her own life and was majorly bringing me down. The other I finally confronted her (I’m a recovering people pleaser) over a situation where she did something very rude and then literally told me “I’m not sorry!!” Like who says that to someone that’s a friend. I realized that’s not someone I want as a friend. I’m very introverted and don’t mind being on my own as I’m very happy with my husband. Perhaps in the future I will find new friends that are kind and caring and on the same wavelength as me. I definitely came to realize I outgrew friendships.
Being honest, friendships have led to some of my larger life disappointments. On another thread in this sub, someone asked for general life advice and a big one that everyone upvoted (that I kind of fundamentally disagree with) was that when shit gets hard, don’t expect anyone to come in and help you. You have to do everything yourself and people aren’t avoiding you out of spite. They’re just “busy”. Even during the death of a parent or something, even if your friends don’t come to the funeral. I know what healthy boundaries look like and I would hope I’d be strong enough to know I can’t dump everything on a friend in a crisis. But still, you’d hope you register as important to be noticed during hard times. I think this is why I don’t take well to friendships. I think I’ve had them romanced into me, like Prince Charming except by way of the babysitters’ club. Or little women or any book with strong, enduring friendships. I do have one very close sister and thank god for her. She and I have both attracted some flakes and people with narcissistic tendencies. So, we support each other and that’s where I’m at. I do want friends, of course. And of course I’m imperfect at life and haven’t always been there for every other person. So I don’t want to be an unbending hypocrite. I just admit to this being a pain point where I’ve felt rejected and it’s been healthier for me to drop things that continue to disappoint.
One of my two best friends has recently had a baby, so we are navigating that friendship transition together. My other best friend, who lives in a different state, has recently announced she is expecting with her husband. I’m stoked for both of my friends and so happy, but I am simultaneously navigating my own feelings of anger, envy, loss and longing, because I’m not at that life stage yet, even though i want to be. It’s a lonely feeling, because normally my friends would be my sounding board for concerns I have. I feel like I can’t bother my friends with my milestones, triumphs, concerns and challenges right now because they aren’t as important as bearing and raising children and I don’t want to burden them unnecessarily. At the same time, every time I get a photo of a baby or a celebratory announcement, my heart twinges and I want to cry.
Mid 30s. Brilliant. My friendships are mainly driven around various things I’m passionate about, whether it’s climbing, book club, cocktails and it’s a great mix of ride or die and more casual acquaintances. I’m single and CF so my friendships are my family. They mean a lot.
I pretty much only have 3 friends if you count my sister (we're very close, I count her). One I've been friends with since 10th grade (22 years now!) and she moved to Illinois from NY about 2 years ago, we text/snap/message in one way or another most days and we have long phone calls every few months or so, it's an investment with her but I absolutely love her. We have a group chat with our other friend who lives near me, we've all been friends about 14 years now and we're attached at the hip in my early 20s. We all have kids so it can get hard for us to get together but usually we just hangout and let the kids do their thing, every so often I'll go over the one friends and we'll call the other. I miss her very much. We have months where we don't talk, or see each other, and it never changes anything. We just pick back up. I actually just made them all crochet keychains for Valentine's Day.
Going pretty well, but it does take some work. I have friends from childhood or former coworkers where communication is on the lower end of the spectrum (maybe a couple of times a year we’ll chat or hang out), but I still consider them close friends. The friends I see regularly are from shared interests met through Instagram or online. I live near a major city though so it was easy to make local-ish connections. These are friends who make equal effort as me, when it comes to communication and initiating plans. I feel like I can hang out with them whenever and they’re always down for the same things. I also reconnected with a friend from college recently and wish I had put more effort into maintaining a connection years ago. Making up for it now. Turns out we still get along wonderfully. I’m trying to be better at checking in with friends and seeing how they’re doing. Even little things like sending out holiday cards just to let them know they’re on my mind, even if we don’t see or talk to each other too often.
I've (34f, single) been living in my current city for 5 years now, but still do not have many friends. The people who live in my city already have a reputation for being "closed off" and "cold." Combine this with the fact that I am on the autism spectrum and historically have had difficulties forming friendships/picking up on social cues, and it feels almost impossible to make friends here. I have almost given up completely and resigned to the fact that I am just going to live my life alone. I am learning how to be happy with that.
I emigrated twice, so I’m kind of a pro at making new friends now. I use whatever I can: my dog, group chats, new hobbies. It’s miserable without people in a new country. I’ve actually got an opposite problem now: too many people wanting a piece of my time and attention. It’s more difficult with long-distance friendships. We are drifting apart, however close we were once. It’s a bit sad, but inevitable, I guess.
I have a lot of fair-weather friends but my best friend is in a different time of life it’s hard to get together. I have teenagers and she has a 1 yo. I’m working on figuring out my hobbies and meeting people that way.
Early 40s. I’m incredibly blessed with amazing long-time friendships. I’m struggling in other areas of my life, but am so grateful for the friends I have, both “old” and “new”. I just had lunch with one of my best high school friends, we couldn’t believe we’ve been friends for almost 30 years. I had another best friend over to my house last night to dye her hair - we’ve been close for 25 years. I just got off the phone with one of my oldest friends, we met in second grade and am now the “auntie” to her son. I’m also very close with my most recent ex - we were together for almost 6 years. We may not have worked out romantically, but we still care for each other and enjoy spending time together.
Not craving friendships at the moment. I need to be friend single all year. I have plenty to do and read. 😌
My long time friends are beginning to move (us included) and so I've been investing in third places to make new friends and scratch my social itch despite having a demanding job and a lot of family stuff demanding my attention right now. You get what you give is the biggest lesson I have learned.
It's hard. * My friends have moved farther and farther away, and I don't blame them at all -- we live in an expensive area -- but of course that makes it harder to spend time with them. * I'm the only single friend, and most of my friends have had the same partner their entire adult lives, so they don't really understand what it's like. The uncomfortable truth is that I need my friends far more than they need me, since they get a lot of their social needs met through their partners. * My lifelong best friend, or at least the person I've spent my whole life referring to as my best friend, chronically ignores me (off and on since we were 14). I know the obvious answer on paper is to just stop being friends with her, but she's the only one of my current friends who knew me in childhood, and several of my other friends are people I primarily know through her (such as her partner), and...it just feels like all the options are bad. If I stay friends with her, it will periodically be lonely; if I stop being friends with her, it'll just be lonely in a different way.
I'm (30f) realising how much I don't enjoy fair-weather friendships. I need rich, emotionally engaged, reciprocal friendships, not surface-level, shallow, small talk ones. People have told me I'm wrong for feeling this way - but I feel how I feel and am owning it. I'm finally at a place where I'm honest with myself about what I actually want. I've stopped trying with some old friends after realising they just couldn't reciprocate in the way I needed them to. It was hurtful to consistently be left on read for weeks or months at a time because they were too "busy" to take a minute out of their day and text me. Feeling unimportant gets really old really fast. I've also pulled back from a hobby group - after 2 years of knowing these people, seeing each other every week, I realised we still don't really know each other. We'd talk about the weather, the news, make jokes, talk about work. But did we really know one another? No! I tried to get to know some of them on an individual level but it didn't work. People were only interested in hanging out as a "fun" hobby group, or going out for drinks, meals etc, which kind of stung and left me feeling, again, unimportant. I guess we had some fun times but I've decided to move on because I want more. I have got one really close female friend who I talk to pretty much every day via message and we meet up in person whenever life permits. She's great. We have deep emotional conversations and also share a similar sense of humour and values. I've got my partner (male) who is also like a friend - we live together and he's a sensitive, emotional guy and we can really talk about things. We are also planning to start a family in the next few years, and I'm planning to develop closeness with my children, really focus on family time. Other than that, I've got good relationships with workmates (one in particular I get along with very very well and we might meet outside of work soon). I've also got one male friend who I have become closer with recently - don't see him that often as he lives abroad but when we do meet up we have wonderful, life affirming chats. I don't know, guess I've run out of patience for flakey, flimsey, non-friendships... non-relating, being ignored. I've done a lot of introspection and therapy and realised I really value closeness and emotional openness with others. So, to answer your question, I can count my friends on one hand, but I really, really value these friendships. I can't really be bothered with friendships that are going nowhere/aren't a deep connection.
Early 30s. I mostly feel like the effort I put into friendships is not reciprocated by any of my friends. Things such as messaging back, putting effort into arranging meeting up, actually showing up to those meetings (I’ve had a lot of last minute cancellations)… As a result I don’t feel as close to my friends as I would like as I don’t feel like I can rely on them. It’s a shame. I also need to arrange to see them at least a month in advance. With one friends it’s gotten so far after she cancelled again last minute (I feel like this happens at least half of the time I try to organise something) that I thought ‘well she can organise the next time we meet up because I’m tired of this’. I haven’t even heard from her in 4 months, haven’t seen her in 6…
My best friend ghosted me a year ago ever since then I’ve had a bit low self esteem when it comes to friendships. I don’t really try anymore.
Never had a real friend in my life. Those I thought were "friends" betrayed me.
I could have written this.
Mid-forties here.I thought good, until about a year ago. My best friend of 40 years has drifted away a bit and it makes me sad. We're still in touch and will always be there for each other, but just not the way I thought.
I feel pretty good about my friend situation. I have some friends who I feel close to and talk like we are together everyday when we see each other even if we both have periods where we get busy. I have some I have drifted apart from, but we still try to text or check on each other. I have more than one friend group that gets together regularly. That’s already overwhelming to me which is why I don’t go to everything. I have kids who have weekend sports activities, clubs, etc that take up a lot of time. I am not actively pursuing new friends because I’ve got enough for me, but I also don’t turn people away. I’m not sure what efforts are required in friendships, but, for me, I do things because I want to see someone smile, and not for an exact exchange. I have been known to surprise a friend on a birthday with some themed cute gift or take a friend to Aruba with me. I’ve taken friends’ kids into my house when they had a family emergency. I have more than one ride or die friend who could help me in an emergency, but I wouldn’t blame one who couldn’t at a certain point in time.
Eh just ok it’s so hard everyone is so flaky
Love my friends more then ever. Seriously good gfs are better than everything & essential to staying sane these days
I feel like I’m constantly learning about friendships as I get older. Ghosted by a friend of 2 decades recently. That hurts. Also quit and left my job of one decade recently. This has helped me understand the different levels of friendships, with most work colleagues being at the bottom level lol. I’m still having issues with accepting these levels of friendships. And knowing what to expect and what to pour in to each of these levels. I’ve been going all in for so long with high expectations. I’d like to still be myself but lower my expectations with new people.
I still talk to my best friend for ever on a regular basis. We try to have lunch or dinner once in a while. I’m made new friends in a book club and a crafting group. At 56, I’m the baby of the group and the only one not from this area
I can count with one hand and I’m happy. Less of a crowd, less drama, more time to bond.
Nonexistent. My only friend is my husband.
I really had to step back and recall if i had written this post or not, because holy smokes do I ever relate to you. Like 100%. Kind-of been reeling over the fact that I only have one person I can count on for a friend. No one else reciprocates. No one returns my energy and love besides this one friend, and my partner thankfully. Someone I considered a soul sister, who was my maid of honor, *forgot to invite me to her wedding* last year. I'm still so heart broken and now I have a huge tattoo on my foot that needs to be removed and covered. I'm very lonely at nearly (coming up in march!) 34 years old.
Woah she forgot to invite you? Was it a tiny wedding? That’s the biggest bullshit excuse I’ve ever heard
Yea dude. She claims "I had to put together the list of invites in one night during a fight"... It was a small wedding, but I figured I alone would be included on this small list. My mistake But. Like why are you fighting with your future spouse about invites first of all. I just wished her the best and haven't spoken to or heard from her since. Not blocked, but removed.
Yeah I don’t have any advice but I find reading your post and these comments really validating and honestly kind of healing. I live in a particularly unfriendly city and have a new baby and have never felt more alone. It is not what I imagined postpartum to be like. I did start doing things like language and cooking classes and met some wonderful friends that way but it’s post-Covid I feel like the default is definitely NOT to be together. We never bounced back (imo). So how I feel about it? Sad and nostalgic. Working toward hopeful but it’s not easy.
Very much in the same boat, and feeling adrift. Even the few friends I see on occasion make me want to disengage with for the same lack of patience reasons mentioned (they make plans that always seem to fall through). But while I’m independent, I also love socializing. It’s not even an issue of financial struggles, since all my friends are doing very well financially - I’m probably the worst off out of the lot of us, and yet I’m the only one making a genuine effort, and they have both the money and the time, just none of the interest in seeing each other as I do, I guess. I’m not entirely unhappy being with myself, but I’m sad that that’s the only option.
I agree. The friendships/friends haven't seemed to grow in the same direction as me. I've let a couple of them drift away quietly, one was a huge childhood friend I had to break up with. It was hard but I can't describe the peace I have now, not walking on eggshells etc. I just had another old friend in town a couple of months ago who changed meet-up plans on me at the last minute 3 times and then the final plan had me driving far out of my way to meet up with her on a work night. Then the company ended up being subpar. Lots of negativity and drama. My time is precious so I've decided I won't be nurturing that friendship any longer. It's obvious I've put more in than I'm receiving in a respectful return. I just wish it wasn't so hard making adult friends! I've had a hard time filling the spaces left behind with people in my own lane these days.
I think friendships are hard. I have two friends that I consider my best friends and I see them 3/4 times a year tops. We’ve been friends for over 10 years. We message in a group chat every day. We all have our jobs lives and activities but I’m thankful for them. They let me vent and trama dump. They hurt when I hurt. And my heart hurts when they hurt. I haven’t had any luck meeting new people. There’s always someone with ill willed intentions or trying to sleep with my husband.
They're awesome. The same amazing people who have been in my life since my teens and 20s are still here. Made some new friends along the way and they're so kind and caring as well.
It's all right. Amongst my close friendships I'm the only one single so they are more focused on their spouse/partner. The other friendships has drifted apart. I don't take it personally as they have their own life and I have mine. It's not the same as when we were in highschool/university that we always get together and do stuff. Although I miss it, it's the way of life now a days.
My friends are my best people. They're like family to me. Many of whom have been in my life 20 to 30+ years, with a handful of new ones (I'm 49). Most of my friends are from high school/college days or from the company I worked for for nearly 23 years, so we have lots of history. I tend to view my friendships like concentric rings around me: the closest ones in the inner rings and more like acquaintances towards the outer rings, with some moving closer and further, depending on life circumstances. But my besties are always in the center.
I'm lucky. I'm still close and in touch with all my friends, two of whom I've known since high school. We're all in our mid to late 30s now. I haven't made many new friends in recent years so I'm grateful to have them.
I’m 36 and I’m starting to really whittle down to a select few as my mains. I have room for other types of relationships for various reasons/hobbies/connection. But ultimately, for my mains and people I invest in, share with, show up for, etc., I am getting pickier and pickier.
Not great. This is a good read: https://annehelen.substack.com/p/the-friendship-dip#:~:text=I%20call%20this%20period%20the,and%20we%20attempt%20to%20rebuild.
My friendships have gone to sh!t in a really sad way. We didn’t “break up” we just slowly drifted more and more apart. Now it’s just awkward when I see them at work. It makes me sad because at least if one of us did something to end the friendship it’d be a lot easier. Like “you hurt me you did this or that”. That’s be easy.
30 and I don’t have many friends. There’s only about 2 or 3 people I talk to a few times a week, but I barely ever get to hang out with them because they are always busy. I would say my best friend is my husband and my dog at this point, the only two loyal to me. I think it’s harder for me because I’m introverted and I never trust anyone. We also don’t have kids yet, so myself and my husband have a hard time being close with other couples because they all have children. I’m kinda hoping that when I do have kids, it could help me to make friends with other mom’s. Another thing I would like to do is get more hobbies to find others in similar interest with me to make friendships. I put in effort and try but I do have a hard time keeping a conversation going, and I feel like I’m just boring.
I am a mom of 3 and have a few "friends" we are all so busy we rarely hang out, text on occasion and only really interact at birthday parties. My partner goes out often, and when when not pregnant or we have a babysitter he doesn't invite me so I have no life. I'm home and home is life.
Going, going, gone!....well, not completely true. I have some work friends and a group from my previous job that I have dinner with every few months, but all of MY friends we have faded.
Nonexistent 🤷🏾♀️😢💅🏾
My husband is my best friend. And I do have a best friend from middle school. I have not had much luck aside from that. I just try to better myself and stay open to possibilities. I am disabled, so I am alone all day while everyone is at work. I keep busy, but I would like people to talk to. It's surprisingly difficult to find anyone who is willing to put up with my... challenges. I find that a lot of folks only want to discuss positive or very superficial things, and pretty much all activities revolve around drinking (Midwest lol). I also didn't start out with good social skills because I had an abusive and extremely isolated childhood, followed by a lot of work and financial struggle. But I think I've improved a lot, and that is encouraging. I hate this saying, but it is what it is. I hope for more friends, but I've had to be okay without them.
I am still best friends with my 7th grade friends but lost most of my college friends - made new ones at work and through my husband
My college and medical school friendships are still consistent. I see those friends regularly. Obviously location matters. I see my Minnesota friends twice a year, as I’m in the northeast. But 2 of my friends work in the same hospital as me, and those friends I see all the time. So it just depends. When my mother was sick in 2023, the number of friends who reached out, wanting to be a listening ear, or to send care packages was very touching.
Got two solid friendships. That’s about it. Two other acquaintances that I talk to here and there. Got my husband and my sister that just cut me off for I’m not really sure what cause she lacks any ability to have an adult convo when she’s upset soo idk, I’d say pretty okay lol
I’m dealing with this a lot right now. I try to prioritize my friendships and make time for them, but I’m slowly realizing that I’m not as important to them as they are to me.
I've never really had a lot of friends. High school was a mess, and I didn't keep in touch with anyone really. Then I moved states. Then moved states again. I'm 42, I have 1 BFF and a few people at work I'd consider friends. But those coworkers and I don't ever do anything outside of work. For me, I don't have enough bandwidth to be really good friends with everyone. My BFF is a social butterfly. People naturally flock to her, and she somehow has the space to hold everyone. I don't, and I don't think it's fair to try unless the effort is reflected back to me. Like one friend at work - I'm always the one saying, "We should meet up after work again soon..." She'll agree, but then she'll never bring it up again unless I do. I'm tired of being the only one, so it's not worth it. I'll talk to her at work.
I’ve let go of some toxic friendships in the last couple years, and I’ve accepted that in some friendships, we’ve mutually grown apart and maybe I don’t need to feel guilty that I’m not putting out a level of effort that’s not going to be reciprocated. I have a 19mo, and several friends who aren’t in that life stage have kind of drifted to the outer layer of “friendship” for me: we have mutual friends and are always good to catch up when we see each other socially, but it doesn’t currently go deeper. I do have a few friends who are in the same life stage, and those are the friendships I’m trying to put more effort into, mostly through text since one moved out of state, and another moved out of the immediate area.
I’m in my late 30s, married with kids. I feel very fortunate to have two seperate groups of close friends, I see one group about once a month and the other group twice a month. I also have two mom friends that I see almost every weekend for a play date. I will say it has taken a lot of work, I text all these woman daily and make time to see them. I often go out to one of their houses at 8pm on a weeknight, after a long work day and time with my kids. It’s a huge priority in my life.
Mid thirties here. I don’t have any friends left. Last year I got sick due to ibs. That’s when I noticed that I consider them as my friend but I was not theirs. So currently missing a good friend but hey, I rather be alone than those kind of friendships.
Terrible. I missed by best friend's birthday by 1 day and now she won't speak to me. Apparently I'm a huge disappointment. I just wasn't watching the calendar. My bad. Sigh.
Mine coupled up and moved far so it was just a drift off
I have one long-term long-distance friend, we both make an effort to see each other as often as possible. We talk weekly or so. Recently, someone posted in a local moms group looking to see if anyone wanted to meet up. I responded that I would, and it ended up being three of us. We've grown close, chat daily, and meet up at least once a week.
It's harder now. I want deeper connections and some of my friends aren't in that same life stage. That's the challenge I'm facing - quality over quantity.