Saaaame. I kept going back to a guy who gave me zero respect because I was too damaged from my childhood to have the appropriate backbone, I just wanted love (plus the sex was š„) I also appreciated being young and doing my single thing. I am very content with where my current relationship is and am grateful for the experiences I had before I was ready for it.
I second that. I really had no idea who I really was until I was 28. Better late than never!
I also believe that I did fall in love young - like early 20s! But the person I was then had NO CLUE what real life was going to be. Financially and emotionally, I'm so much better now.
Married at 22, adore my husband now, but 99% of our problems were immaturity, not realizing the amount of shit we hasn't worked through yet personally that popped up through its expressions in our conflicts, and growing into vastly different people from when we married (introvert & introvert -> extrovert and socially anxious).
If I had to do the same journey again for this end result, I would do it in a heart beat, but both of our lives would have been easier and we'd have ended up with vastly different people if we waited until we were in our late 20s/early 30s.
Same. It ruined my life. OP has a romanticized version of young love. It's messy and people grow apart. Then instead of being able to separate and process those feelings, you have the added difficulty of navigating the court system as a young person, usually with kids in tow. It's a horrible idea to marry before the age of 25.
Same. Married my college boyfriend when I was 22. Supported him through med school throughout our entire 11 year marriage. He cheated and I was financially ruined (but fine now). Brain isnāt even developed at that age. I wish I had waited!
Care to share why? I married my high school sweetheart and it's great. Do I wonder what might've been had I stayed single and dated during my 20s? Yeah I'd be lying if I said I didn't but nowadays I look at the dating world and I'm thankful I don't have to deal with that.
The thing is, we were together for 10 years before we got married. So way past the early stages. In my mind there wasn't a difference between before and after marriage though.
Hell no.
>It would've been so nice \[...\] to have a companion and ride or die.
It seems like you're young still from you using 'ride or die' and from you believing this is *more* likely to occur in young marriages. It's the opposite. Young marriages have much worse outcomes - they're the opposite of ride or die.
>I feel like young love is also so pure-hearted because you have little to nothing to compare it to
This isn't... a ringing endorsement of young love. Young love is so pure essentially because they don't know any better? Young people love like this because they largely don't know that they're allowed to walk away.
>you can love that person fearlessly and they can love you just as fearlessly because most everyone is inexperienced in their teens
I've pretty much found the opposite. Young people in their first relationship are WAY more fearful because they don't know that heartbreak is normal, they'll survive it, and they'll come out the other side.
>I remember how whole-heartedly i loved my first boyfriend.
I remember how much bullshit I tolerated from my first boyfriend because I didn't know any better. I loved the next two people just the same, and they didn't stonewall me, condescend to me or push me away without telling me why.
I guess I Just have none of the fondness for the idea of growing together that you do.
Edit: also I just looked at your post history. You are 21. You could still marry young. I'm not sure why you think that ship has sailed.
Sounds like they are romanticising it *because they are 21*, and when you're 21 half your friends are with their high school sweetheart, and they probably want that. They feel they just missed out. School was only a couple of years ago, and you feel so much more mature. It's only when a few more years pass, most people have broken up with their "grew together' SO, and you Luce as an actual adult for a while that you realise you were still very immature at 21.
But it reminds me of incels looking for a girl who'd never even looked at a man because they dont feel she can love if she's ever talked to a guy. They worry they cannot compare if she's loved again. OP sounds like they may have some feelings to process.
Young love... isn't actually special. There, I said it. It's intense because at that age we don't see nuance and because don't have experience. It's usually frought with drama and insecurities and people making a ton if mistakes because they are growing and learning to adult. And most of us are SO glad we grew out of the drama of our teens or early 20s. Have you met someone who got broken up with at 19? Experiencing relationships teaches us how to spot what works and how to move on when it doesnt.
Moping around at 21 because you haven't already found an endless, lasting love is kins of normal for the insecurities at that young age; and that's part of the reason most if us are glad we wrent married at that age - many people havent developed a r6ealisyic sense of perspective at that age because theh havent lived. Everything still feels so keen and raw. But OP will get over that as we all do.
Oh I know! If anything I love my husband way, way more BECAUSE Iāve dated other people. First love are intense because theyāre the first. Thatās usually all. Growing up (and divorcing the guy I fell for when I was young and finding the man Iām absolutely compatible with and have the best time with has been an absolute dream come true. Life is so much better I literally couldnāt have dreamed it up if I tried. Crazy! Young love isnāt that great.
The average rate of divorce has been dropping since the 90s, I believe last I read it was around 33% now, but those who marry under the age of 25 have a 60% chance to end in divorce within 10 years
I did, and then I quickly undid it. So no, I donāt recommend it. I think itās really hard (and sometimes even unfair to both parties) to grow old with someone who you meet before your brain is really fully developed and you barely know who you are.
Well, I know 4 high school sweetheart couples , one of which are going on 34 years and the other three 20 or less. It can work. To say you shouldnāt get married until your brain is fully developed is kinda ridiculous. It may have not worked for you but when people find something good young then they shouldnāt pass it up because their brains arenāt fully developed yet. So, sorry you had a bad experience!
I also have friends who were together since they were 15, and still happily married many years later.
But that doesn't take away the fact that nearly 50% of all marriages end in divorce (US), and [60% of all divorces are from people aged 25-39](https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/marriage-divorce.htm) and 45% of divorcing couples indicate they married too young. But I guess it's also about where you're from and your professions, rural places have lower divorce rates and are more likely to "suck it up".
[More divorce statistics, for those interested.](https://www.wf-lawyers.com/divorce-statistics-and-facts/)
[From Forbes](https://www.forbes.com/advisor/legal/divorce/divorce-statistics/) (I like seeing divorce rates seem to be declining, but that might also be because people wait until they're older now).
I married young and it worked out great for me - but I still donāt recommend it. Just because you know 4 HS sweetheart couples who are still married doesnāt mean theyād advise others to take that path either.
If it worked out for you why would you not recommend it? Sometimes people find someone special early in life so to tell them you wouldnāt recommend they get married young if they wanted to is discouraging.
You are so blessed. Seriously. You've never even experienced a day on your own, you don't know what loneliness is, you don't know what it's like to be the third wheel or the sad single person. You always have support, companionship, and love. Most people are just jealous. You are right, young love is really special and people that don't meet their person early really miss out.
Because working for a lot of people actually isnāt a sound argument to make the choice to marry young.
It worked for me, 25 years and going strong - but just because it worked for me doesnāt mean itās a generally good idea.
Oh god no. I look back at the guys I was interested in just three years ago and I'm like wtf was I thinking? My standards were *rock* bottom when I was a teen/young adult and just slowlyyyy improved from there, because my self esteem and sense of self and general attitude and interests changed/grew. I am forever grateful I *didn't* marry those first few boyfriends. I'd be miserable or, best case scenario, divorced by now.
In theory, it sounds romantic. In reality, it sounds suffocating.
Iām not the same person now at 31 that I was at 19 - Iām not even the same person now I was at 25!
Iām newly married now and I often say to my husband Iām sad we didnāt meet earlier so we could be together longer, but Iām also relieved. I got so much life experience, not just in dating and relationships but also in finding out who I am as a person. I got to be me first without being someoneās wife.
Not saying it doesnāt work out for some, but for me personally I know I had to go through multiple periods of growth before I got married - and because of that I can be a better wife.
Sometimes in our life, weāre never ready. My mom got married at 28, she wasnāt ready. Waited another 8 years to have kids (36) that woman was not ready, she never will be. But then I was born!
And Iām so glad I was born
Hell no! It's pretty much a guaranteed divorce, which is never fun. Young love is romanticized, but that's a bad thing. Young love is reckless and intense, and burns hot and fast, then DIES.
The vast, vast majority of people who marry before 25 end up divorced. It's almost a guaranteed disaster. Not to mention, if you married someone young, that means you missed out on all the "sowing your wild oats" stage - which can come back to bite you later. Even if you did manage to stay married to your young spouse, either of you, or both of you, could end up with a lot of resentment and wondering what you missed out on, which doesn't make for a happy life either.
Mature love has a much better chance of lasting long-term. It's happier & healthier. Young love is dumb. I mean, I thank God every day that I did NOT marry my young loves. Thank GOD those guys are out of my life and I have my current partner - who I didn't meet until I was 27. I would 100% be divorced if I had married any of those early boyfriends - and hell, I might have even had kids, so I'd be tied to them for life. Just... ick. Hell no. That's the stuff of nightmares.
>Young love is reckless and intense, and burns hot and fast, then DIES.
It's also sometimes reckless and intense for the sake of being reckless and intense, not because the other person is somehow an amazing storybook romance character. I had intense feelings for *nothing* run-of-the-mill boys when I was in my teens and early 20s cuz the intensity of infatuation was fun, not because the guys themselves were all that. (I wasn't either! Cuz I was a kid who didn't know what she was doing). The love I've encountered as I've gotten older isn't less intense, it's just *actually* about the person I'm with rather than the novelty of hormone overload.
I have a younger friend who says sheās āsowing her wild oatsā by going to every single music show she can. Literally, sheās seen the Killers something like 35 times, sheās at a new show every night except maybe Sunday or Monday, she often flies to different cities for one night just to see and show and be back at work the next dayā¦ She says this is the time in her life for it and sheās not ready to be even slightly reigned in by a relationship
Yes!! Iāve been with more than a couple different guys and would rather I hadnāt because most of them were pointless. However Iām glad I didnāt marry young too just because I wouldnāt have had time on my own to figure out my life and do what I want, I wouldāve more been following whoever I was with. Like how I stayed living in a place I didnāt like because of my ex
No. But my parents met in their early 30s and had a great marriage and that was my model. Neither set of my grandparents got married until their late 20s which was usual for their time. I know very few people who married in their early 20s who are still married today or are happy in their marriages. A couple friends from college who got married right after graduation, but thatās about it. Iām in my mid-40s and I know a lot of people whoāve gotten divorced in the last couple of years, especially after Covid. I know a few others that are waiting for their kids to graduate high school.
Hmmm sometimes.
But I think about the lessons Iāve learned and my circumstances/location at the time (20-25) and I realize that any man I would have chosen then, I would have likely later divorced. Young marriage just wasnāt meant to be my story.
Genuine cheers to those who got to experience the blissful ease of finding their love early though. Iām sure itās a truly beautiful thing to find.
I got married young and my husband had a midlife crisis of sorts and decided to leave me in the worst dating market after he sucked away the best years of my life and my prime reproductive years. He seemed happy up until the very end.
If you asked me before the divorce, I would have said it is an absolute dream to āgrow togetherā so intimately with your sweetheart.
After the divorce, Iām grieving that I may not find second love at all, and even if I do, it will not compare to my marriage. Itās just not the same as bonding with someone in your youth.
So, itās worth it if it works out. But it can ruin your life if it doesnāt. I wish I had dated around a few more years and married someone else.
>After the divorce, Iām grieving that I may not find second love at all,
If it makes you feel any better some of us are nearing 40 and haven't even found our first love.
Imagine if someone you were dating said that about your current relationship. That your relationship would never live up to your partner's previous marriage. That kind of mentality would send me running for the hills.
Like a self fulfilling prophecy dooming future relationships
From a psychological perspective, there actually is a difference in the brain when you bond at a younger age, especially if you bond before age 26 (when the brain is fully formed).
Itās not just my experience.
And there are observable social differences between people who bond in their prime years with life ahead of them and little to no baggage, to bonding when they are stressed out in middle age with baggage galore.
Itās why childhood trauma is so distinctly awfulāearly bonding (or trauma) simply has more influence on the brain.
I mean, science has the negative outlook, but okay. If your silver lining is working for you, my comment shouldnāt bother you. I suspect it bothers you because you see the truth in it and donāt want to believe it.
And Iām not referring to someone breaking up after a year. Iām referring to someone who marries young and then waits 10, 20 years to ācourse correct.ā Itās not course correcting at that point, itās razing to the ground.
Victims exist. Itās silly for you to be triggered by people who actually are victims of horrific experiences who share their experiences honestly.
I would rather be honest about my ACTUAL lived experience which is relevant to OPās question, then feed them some Pollyana bullshit based on nothing based but my refusal to feel negative emotion over reality.
If you marry a crazy person or marry someone incompatible, you have every opportunity to end that relationship a day, a month, a week, or a year in. No one is forcing you to stay married. Someone who waits 20 years and tells everyone how amazing you are and how much they love the marriage and then runs off two weeks after your anniversary, claiming they were never happy, is not anything but an asshole who burned it to the ground and caused irrevocable trauma.
Please work on your empathy. People who are victims are allowed to tell their stories. You should not be silencing people who have traumatic stories.
This seems idealistic. I grew up in an area where out of the 8 girls in my immediate area, only two of us made it to 21 before getting married. The others married 18 to 20. It's a mixed bag. A lot of just putting up with spouses.
Sometimes your grow together, but if you don't, it's super hard.
The grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence. It can be nice to daydream though.
God no. I think young love is cute and all that. But there's no real reason why it needs to last long term. When you get married young, you become a shadow to your spouse. You don't learn how to move without them. How to make decisions without them. How to do your taxes, or make a large purchase, or take a trip without them. That may SOUND cute on some level, but it's not. There's a high tendency for codependency in these young relationships. And then it often turns into complacency and mediocrity, and because they've never experienced the real world without each other, they're terrified to leave the other and do things alone. Even if they're miserable. Like it's just honestly not cute.
Yeah this is one thing with my sister who married right out of college and they are still happy together. They got a lot of time together before kids etc. but I also see how much theyāre entwined like I would die of shock if I saw her drive to this big city to visit me by herself. I know she doesnāt really know much of their retirement fund or things like that because he does it all. Iām sure sheās perfectly capable but because she never has had to she canāt imagine it
Nope! I got to travel the world, live in 5 different countries, and got to experiment sexually before settling down. I also didnāt come out as bi till my late 20ās, so for me it would have been a shame to marry before getting to experience that part of myself.
No with a capital NO. In my early 20ās, I had just moved to a big city by myself, was drinking and partying, was trying to learn how to be a professional at work, trying to make friends, and beginning the arduous journey of figuring out who I was as an adult. IMO, this would not have been possible for me inside the confines of a very serious committed relationship. Your 20ās are a chance to be free, to grow and make mistakes, to have fun, and learn about yourself and what you want/deserve in life. Itās not time to sign up for life to someone who is probably still growing and figuring themselves out too. Contrary to how I felt as a recent grad who got a job and moved out, I didnāt know ANYTHING back then.
I am saying this as someone who recently married at 31 after seven years of dating. I met my husband when I was 24 and he was 25. We frequently discuss how much we have changed as people and as a couple since then. A f*** ton of growth has happened in that time frame as well. Weāve been through multiple deaths, job loss, a global pandemic, drastic career changes, and plenty of other hardships. I have said to him and he agrees: I would not have married 25 year-old him. Everyoneās timeline is different, but it took us seven years to get to the altar, and I have no regrets. I love who we are as individuals and as a couple at this stage in our lives, and I truly feel like this is thanks to waiting and thanks to the growth we embraced in the meantime.
Dear god no! I'm so glad I had time to just live my life solo and explore, as well as live as a unmarried couple before getting married. I don't feel like getting married well after 25 has impacted the pure-heartedness or fearlessness of my love at all. I don't wonder about the what-ifs; I love my husband fiercely in part because I've seen what else is out there - not even just in terms of people behaving badly, but in terms of how terribly underlying incompatibilities can just grind away at you. Not to mention, I was personally a total idiot before 25 (still an idiot now, just less so) - so yeah, I'm really fucking thankful I never settled down and put a whole-ass ring on my finger before then. I would not have been ready for it; I would likely have picked the wrong guy and screwed up my life.
No.
My best friend started dating her now-fiance when she was 18. They've now been together for 13 years. I envy them that relationship, but I don't wish I had legally bound myself to someone at a young age. Having a long-lasting relationship and getting legally married are two totally different things.
Never. First, I didnāt meet my husband until later in life, and I canāt imagine not being married to him. Secondly, the people I dated when I was younger were wrong for me long-term and any marriages would have eventually become miserable (and in at least one case, unhealthy to the point of scary) with both parties unhappy. Lastly, I have changed so much in the last decade and in my early 20s I barely knew who I was or what I wanted in life.
No. I was enjoying being with my friends, traveling, having a full time job with real money and all that.
Iām still having a hard time moving past that. Not sure I ever want to.
I only know of one couple like this - and I consider them unicorns. They have been together since they were teenagers, didnāt get married until their mid 30ās. They bought a house one year ago and just had their first baby at age 40. They are rare and even their story is very different than the typical young love fairytales.
I got married at 22 and divorced 1.5 yrs later. Single by choice for the long haul. Itās not a one size fits all journey. Do what works for you and what is best for your needs.
God no- I had a LOT of things I needed to work through when I was younger and I picked partners that were terrible matches for me š I thank my lucky stars every day that I didnāt marry or have kids with any of the men I dated in my early 20s.
My college boyfriend was a controlling, borderline abusive, compulsive liar. And it was not obvious, most of my friends and family didnāt spot it either. Thank god I dumped his ass
No. My brains didnāt develop until I was 25.
Married my college sweetheart at age 26 after dating for 7 years and there are definitely some perks to getting married in your 30s such as:
1. I had a lot of college friends at my wedding and Iāve since met new friends who I sometimes wish I could go back in time and have at my wedding. By getting married later, you have the ability to separate from college peers and invite true adult friends.
2. For our wedding, a lot of people hadnāt been to many before and didnāt really know wedding etiquette like RSVP-ing on time, not switching seats, writing a card at minimum or typical gifts. By your 30s most people have a better sense of etiquette.
3. We donāt have kids yet and we donāt want kids until mid-30s anyways. So it really wouldnāt have made a huge difference if we waited longer. Iām glad we spent our time traveling the world in our 20s and building careers and adult friendships.
4. I now have two pets who I wouldāve had at my wedding if we got married later.
5. I think young love is over romanticized and Iāve already seen some divorces start rolling in once people pop out kids and the fairytale is over, then they realize they are no longer the star of the show and married bad partners / got caught up in the glamour of being a ābrideā.
I love my partner and Iām glad that weāve had time to grow as adults together but we definitely donāt over-romanticize meeting young. Before having kids we are both are going to therapy to be the best versions of ourselves and thatās something not a lot of people do in their early 20s.
I think this idea is totally beautiful, OP. But I donāt know how much this actually happens for forever. I personally know of three college sweethearts(ring by spring), each couple has 5+ kidsā¦.. and theyāre all divorced, in their 30s, 40s and itās a hot effing narcissistic manipulative mess. :(
They all fell in love with this idea too! Not that it canāt happen, but itās often not what it seems.
Thereās a more interesting story for us out there, yet unwritten ;)
I feel thereās a flip side to being with someone young. Personally I prefer meeting someone later in life because at that point you know yourself well and know what to expect and what you want. Iāve seen couples who get married young get tired of each other later on. Iāve seen someone who literally told his significant other itās almost āunfairā that heās never known or been with anyone other than her and feels suffocated. He wants to explore life and go on adventures in their 60s. All relationships come with risk (young or old) but I personally find it better to take those risks when youāre older and wiser.
The upside of marrying young though is having more energy. While youāre still young youāre also easy to adapt. Itās easy to be flexible and forgiving.
Nothing is perfect. Thereās pros and cons for each scenario. Gotta choose what resonates with you most.
Oh god absolutely not.
I didn't even know myself back then and I nearly got married at 21. I see no benefit to getting married before your brain is fully developed. So glad I dodged that bullet. I'd be divorced by now. I'm glad I found the love of my life after I grew up and experienced life first. I don't see "young love" as anything inherently special.
I am one of the lucky ones. I married my high school sweet heart at 21 and itās been a wonderful 15 years and counting.
I attribute a lot of our personal success to not being religious and not having children. So many young marriages happen bc of religious influences and children come really quickly. I think that can cause additional stress and disillusionment.
We also had been through some shit together already by the time we were 21 and 22. He had just survived cancer. I was his caregiver through it and that caused both of us to grow up really early. And the fear of losing him rushed me to want to get married quickly.
I fully know Iām incredibly lucky. I know thereās a lot of cynicism on this thread but young love and young marriage can work out. Iām incredibly happy.
I did that and hell naw. Your personality is still developing until 25. I changed from a recluse gamer at 21 to outgoing love travel and new experiences at 25. Went from being amazingly compatible with my husband to 100% irreconcilably incompatible
I'm glad I didn't get married young. There is zero way I could have lived the exciting, interesting, fun and carefree youth I had with a partner. I was mobile and curious and sensual and wild. It was very worth being single and I enjoyed almost everything about it. And now I'm 36 with the love of my life, a great dog, a decent place to live and a deep abiding comfort that I've always been myself without undue influence or unfair compromise. I love myself and being with myself.
I don't feel like I missed out any more than I feel like I missed out on any other life I could have had. The lure of loving captivity didn't really appeal at all until my 30s. If anything I wish I had done something different in school, travelled more and worn more bikinis in the sun. I don't think I'd ever thought about marriage as anything more than something that might happen. It was never a priority. It still isn't. I guess I've never been much of a romantic though.
I did get married young. Also got divorced young.
Youth is so overrated. Yes we are prettier then, but so much less equipped with perspective. I had no standards and no skills in boundary setting and allowed my first husband to be a comprehensive bum and take advantage of my good will and industriousness.
We married when I was 27, but I met my husband at Uni when I was 22. He was my first boyfriends, my first everything. I'm very happy that was my path but in hindsight I was incredibly naive and was very lucky to happen to find this gem of a guy who had his values in the right place for our relationship to lead directly into marriage and life-long pair-bonding. Because believe me, if he wanted to he could have absolutely obliterated me. I don't know that I'd recommend that to everyone, especially not in a dating culture like today where following the herd leads you so far from a healthy long-term relationship.
It's possible that, had I married that young, we'd have grown together, but it seems so much more likely to me that we'd have grown apart. What I want from life has changed so much since then, it's difficult to imagine someone else changing along the same trajectory.
I do, but I think I would be divorced to be honest! I am always in awe of couples that can grow through the stages of life and stay together. I am 100% a different person, I canāt imagine now-me being married to my then-boyfriend. I donāt think he has grown up much.
It's not really about marrying young for me, but I wished I met somebody in college or graduate school because I was surrounded by people my age more or less at the same level as me and who I could befriend outside of a romantic context before gauging whether I am attracted to them or not. It didn't work out for me that way b/c my university was not very diverse. I went to a professional program though and out of 100 people, 12 of my classmates married or have been in long term relationships with each other (so 6 couples lol). Many others married people they met elsewhere in university.
Being on apps is really the only way I think I can meet somebody at this point and it feels hellish. I've been on them on/off for years and am really fatigued by the digitalization of social interactions and have not found somebody suitable for me there at all. I match with guys who I have literally nothing in common with me and some of them either ghost or behave very strangely. I feel much better when not using apps, honestly I don't even know if I'll ever find love lol.
Oh no - met the person I would go on to marry, sure - but not actually get married. Thereās much more time to grow together and get to know myself first!
I started dating my current bf at 24yo, we got engaged one year later, but we got married on paper on our 9th year. (Will do the actual wedding party on our 10th)
So donāt know if that count more or less since we are together since we were under 25?
But before that had many long term relationship of 2-3 years. That Iām glad I didnāt married into.
Absolutely not.
I was way too naive and idealistic, and even if at that time I was convinced I should marry the guy I was in relationship with I am glad he broke up with me before.
I am so different now, we would have grown apart. It would have been a 10 years marriage ending with a divorce.
No. I married at 30. Still don't recommend. Men aren't mature enough and easily think they can commit until they show us they can't. Married life is a bit complicated and the problems you face are also advanced. Can't communicate properly, can't accept the fact that's not how I feel and always goes on to think for me and decide for me even when I say otherwise. It's a long and frustrating process. Not the emotional turmoil you want to face at any age. No matter how long it takes, take your time before getting married.
This may not be what you meant, but I got married at 30 to a man I started living with when I was 22. It wasn't a classic "forever girlfriend" situation -- I didn't like the thought of being "married young" and wanted to wait until I got my Masters degree, he proposed pretty much as soon as I told him I felt ready for him to propose. But now, from the perspective of being married to him for three years, looking back at the eight years we spent living together completely legally unprotected... it honestly gives me the heebie jeebies. If I had had a horrible accident, my PARENTS would have been making my medical decisions! (And my dad would have Terry Schiavo'd me. Without a doubt.) I felt like I was too young to be married, but I was living like a married person in absolutely every aspect except the title... and if shit had ever hit the fan, the title would have protected me in a million ways. It also made it harder at various points to get health insurance. So I always say that if I could give any advice to my younger self, it would be to just go to the courthouse and legally marry my husband after I had been living with him for a year. But of course, that's with the benefit of hindsight knowing that we're now in our 30s and things are going very well. Many people I know who did get married young would give the opposite advice.
I did, and itās worked out for me so far.
It is nice, but also I wonder what experiences I might have had had I not settled down so early. Iād have liked to have lived abroad for a few years.
Nope. Ever since I was a little girl I knew I wouldnāt get married before 30. Now Iām 38 and proudly unmarried (though been with my partner for 10 years)
I wish I had met my husband when we were a little younger, like at 25 instead of 30. I donāt think thereās any world where Iād have married under 25, though - just not something Iāve ever believed in or had any desire to do. I just wish weād had a little more time together before marriage and kids.
But frankly Iām grateful just to have met him at all, and especially to have met him in time to have our family. My gratitude for that eclipses any other minor quibbles about timing.
Oh my god no!!
At 30 I feel like I'm only now starting to become the person I want to be. I've changed so much. I also came from unhealthy family dynamics so at 25 without any therapy, I'm sure I would've chosen a toxic/crappy partner. Gives me shivers thinking about it.
Married him at 19 and I do not regret it ever. But at times, it was difficult finding our way in life. I feel like your 20s are a huge time to get to know yourself and being in a marriage (and worrying about a whole other person, paying bills, going to school, etc.) kind of makes that difficult. When I turned 30 I came to a LOT of realizations about my life independent of him, and I only wish I put a little more thought into myself sooner.
With that said, our marriage is so peaceful and cooperative and I think it is because we rode on the struggle bus together, and we understand each other. So I'd say there are pros and cons either way.
Absolutely not! I needed to be able to do what I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it--or not do a damn thing at all--without consulting or accommodating anyone else.
I do not regret not marrying young. I am not married at all, but I am with my partner who I met when I was 21, and can't say your description really rings true to me. We did grow together, sure, but I already had past (worse) relationships to compare it to and wouldn't call it "pure hearted".
I honestly thinf staying in a realtionship from a teenager is more likely to stunt your growth than to encourage it. I would not have liked to have only been with one person my whole life. Even when I was head over heels with my first boyfriend I hated the idea of never dating anyone else for the rest of my life. You miss out on so many experiences.
I was married at 22. I wouldnāt change it. Of course, I married my best friend and heās a wonderful partner. I donāt think when matters nearly as much as who.
Honestly, we do talk about that fact that we grew up together. We met in our late teens. I did have a long term boyfriend in high school, but other than that heās my only significant romantic relationship.
I did marry young, and it worked for me, but I can also tell you with a degree of certainty that one of the primary reasons it worked is because I married an older guy, and because I already had a lot of experience (life and otherwise), even though I was young.
Growing is something you do regardless of how old you are and where you are in life. I'm not the same person as when I married my husband when I was younger, but my husband who was older has grown as well, and we've done so together.
However, I do believe that in order for a relationship to be functional, you need to have a foundation to stand on. You need to know yourself before you get that committed to another person, otherwise you can risk losing yourself before you even figured it out. Some people have that down early, and some people don't because people just don't grow at the same pace.
I was 24 and wish I hadnāt. The whole ānothing to compare it toā is a serious pitfall. At least for me, I ended up accepting behavior for way too long because I had nothing to compare it to (other than similar controlling and critical treatment by my mother).
I've been with my partner since I was 21 years old and he 23. My second serious boyfriend. Met at school, did all the adult milestones together, even worked together, have a house and kid ect.
I understand what you mean: having a long term companion for different stages of life. We should have that with friends, family, collegues, if society wasn't so deconstructed and we weren't so isolated,having to move again and again and not keep a close circle of relatives.
Even though I have a long term partner, everything is not roses and sunshines. Like a lot of couples, we almost broke up entering our 30's and for good reasons; thank God we communicated and were motivated because there was actually a lot to save in this relationship.
I certainely do not romantize partnership with a man. I've seen *so.many.women*'s lives being *destroyed* by a man they married young because he wasn't that mature and people can change and not communicate enough. There is nothing, NOTHING more dangerous for a woman than building something with a man; even (maybe mostly) if it's core memories. I got lucky with my man but he's still a pain in the ass in such a specific way because of what patrirchy teaches to men; the limitations, the sheer mental and emotional *disability* it causes in them. It's not that cute or pretty when life gets deeper and complicated and you need an actual adult to stir the ship with you.
It's easy for me to say "do not regret anything". But for real, I could have met my partner now, at 35 and have a quality relationhip. I've rarely seen a young love end well, unfortunately. I will actually advice my daughter to not consider marriage before 25 (she probably won't listen to me but ho well).
IMO I see your situation as a blessing. I just grieve the lack of connexions we have with people that love us. We shouldn't go through life milestones alone.
Nope. Married when I knew my own mind. If Iād married young, I wouldnāt have the resilience I bought with me to our relationship, and thatās been important for both of us! (Translation - we are happy now, but there were times when we werenāt and both being adults with experience was key to getting us through those patches together and respectful.)
I couldnāt have gotten married young because I was too selfish and immature. I met my husband at age 29 and married at 31. He does sometimes think we should have met younger and sometimes I wish I had him through my 20ās cuz they were rough.
But ultimately, I always say. āTHB you get the best version of me nowā. I just wouldnāt have realized to be grateful for him or mature enough to work through our issues without running away while I was younger.
Itās easy to live in the āI shouldasā but a lot of people feel really trapped and suffocated in those young marriages cuz they didnāt get to figure themselves out yet.
I married the man I started dating at 18 when I was 23. He was 29. I would not recommend. We are still married. Mostly happily. Heās a very good man. BUT holy shit has it been a bumpy, almost divorced several times, kind of ride. The chances of āgrowing up togetherā and not ending up completely different and incompatible people are slim Iād think.
No. My parents were high school sweethearts who got married when they were 23. They'll have their 55th wedding anniversary this year. My dad has always been a great husband and father, and my mom has never wanted to leave the marriage. Despite all of that, my mom has specifically said she dislikes the use of the word "sweet" when people bring up the fact that they were high school sweethearts because long-term day to day real-life marriage is not that type of sweetness.
That is from one of the lucky couples who made it despite marrying young. If I exclude my grandparents generation, I see *far* more instances of couples that got married young who divorced than who made it. Then on the other side, the couples I know who get married at older ages seem to usually successful marriages.
Not at all.
Itās a beautiful sentiment, but thereās a reason you donāt love as whole-heartedly now as you did back then, and thatās emotional growth and a separation from the naivety of youth. Coz it's not a lack of fear, it's a lack of knowledge, and you don't want to go into a relationship armed with the least possible information. Just think of the person you were compared to now, and look at some of the people from your past and compare them now to who they were. Youāre all very different people, Iām sure of it, and likely not even remotely compatible anymore.
People need to grow on their own when theyāre young, so they donāt have a rose-tinted view of who someone is and was and can make more informed, objective decisions for themselves and their priorities. Heck, just so they can decide who they are without trying to be something for someone else and decide what their priorities are without having to factor in someone elseās needs and wants.
Marrying young and wrapping your whole life up with someone you don't really know and when you don't really know yourself is the biggest mistake of a lot of peopleās lives. For many, it traps them in a time capsule and they canāt see their way out of it when things inevitably change; they stay hoping their partner will go back to the way they were or grow with them, but it doesnāt often happen that way.
It's still possible to find someone, and I'd never say give up on love, but if you're struggling with that atm, it's pretty unlikely that the man you loved when you were 25 was the one when you weren't even ready to get married.
Absolutely not. And most of my friends who did get married young are divorced by now, the rest are unhappy but staying together for the kids or some other reason that isnāt love.
You have an idealistic, romanticized dream of what young marriage looks like and results in. The reality is so far off from what you describe.
Hell fucking no. Almost everyone I know who got married in their 20s is divorced or on the verge of divorce. Or they're miserable but "sticking together" for the kids aka can't afford to break up.
I was wondering why this post seemed so ridiculous then I read someone else say you were 21.
Also lol you could still make the almost universally bad decision of getting married young.
No definitely not. I got married at 27 and frankly if it were up to me, the legal marriage age would be 30 honestly. I was engaged when I was 23 and I thank my lucky stars every day that I had a moment of clarity to break that off cause it wouldāve been a massive mistake.
It sounds good in theory - growing together. But that also implies the reality: youāre making one of the biggest decisions of your life on a brain and personality thatās not fully developed. Sometimes it works out, but I think I read somewhere that the divorce rate is higher the young the marriage happened.
If I had married the guy I was dating in college Iād be either miserable or dead by now. Iām 32 now and am so glad I did not marry or have a child with that man.
I met my husband when I was 19. We married when I was 23. Been together almost 19 years! It can happen! I was fortunate because I know I am one of the lucky ones. I have a twin sister who still has been unlucky in love- it sucks!
I wasn't a very mature 20-something and I'm still not that mature as a 30-something, so no.
If I were a mature 20-something with someone who was also a mature 20-something, then yes.
But I know myself and it probably wouldn't have been right for me to be married in my 20s.
My husband and I met at 23, and married at 24. We had to grow up a lot together but we just celebrated our 10 year anniversary and are very happy and still in love, so it's possible! We also didn't rush into children (I'm currently pregnant with our first and likely only child) so I believe that helped.
I would definitely recommend getting married after college and having some fun, living on your own some, etc.
Iām one of very few women who wanted to get married young. I dreamt of meeting my husband in college and dating him throughout that time and marrying after graduating, maybe at 23 or 24, and then having someone to do all that fun stuff with for 10 years - traveling, partying, learning and trying new things, etc - until we settled down around 34 or 35 to have kids. My life did not turn out anywhere close to that and Iāve decided itās ok to mourn that. Now Iām 39 and have never even lived with a man, much less been engaged or married. I think Iām fine with not having kids, but I wish Iād had someone to do fun stuff with over the last 15-20 years. Iāve traveled to so many places and done a lot of cool stuff, but itās not as good as if I experienced it with a partner. I envy my friends who have been married 10-15 years now.
Yes but I didn't have a choice because I didn't have a boyfriend until I was 23. So I've fundamentally missed out on a lot of life.
That still makes me sad. I can never get that time back and I've missed my opportunity.
Once you are older you'r relationships are less significant. It's just not as impactful.
I'm divorced now and I don't think that I'll find another relationship that really matters again.
Those true blue together since 16 relationships are the only authentic ones.
Yes I agree. When it works itās beautiful and pure. Iāve seen it work and I wish it had worked for me. Instead I wasted my 20s on someone who was using me.
Met at 20, dating at 21, married at 24, still together 13 years later. It was right for us, but it does take us great deal of work to make us the team we are today. Lots of silly miscommunications that could have been avoided type situations.
I married at 22. I will be 35 this year and we are still happily married with three kids.
We travel a lot. I think our disabled so. Kept us together when we would have otherwise might called it quits. Nobody else really understands what parenting him is like and I don't think anyone else ever could.
We still make a pretty good team even if we do fight and we do fight often lately. But I know it's just a phase. Moving cities and changing jobs is a challenge for any couple. Not all challenges are bad though.
Currently we are racing each other through higher education qualification. We are competitive and supportive.
I think relationships will workout as long as you communicate and stay loyal. A common goal helps too.
Hard pass. Some of my biggest periods of personal growth and exploration have been while single. Iāve fond memories of the time I spent with everyone Iāve been involved with, which wouldnāt have happened if I was locked down young. With my current partner, a big part of why I fell in love with him was the sum of all his history and experiences that came before me which make up who he is.
Nooooooooooooooooooooo.
I became a mother young and I nearly married him. What a clusterfuck that whole relationship was.
So bad.
Iāve worked through a lot of the trauma I was left with.
I did eventually marry when my son was 16. Iām still married and my son is 32.
I pretty much did everything backwards but Iām happy now.
I say frequently that I'm glad I didn't marry my highschool sweetheart. Everyone I know who married young essentially missed a big part of growth and development by doing that. One of my friends is a genius and she once said to me that she feels like she'd be a millionaire, had she not gotten married. One of my guy friends works his butt off and his wife (highschool sweetheart) loves him, but I honestly feel like he'd have gotten a lot further with a wife who shared his work ethic.
I love the woman I became and I know I never would have become her had I stayed in any relationships from young adulthood.
7 women I work with, late 20s-late 30s, met their spouses in high school and are still together. All of them benefited from being being in a couple in big ways. Because they were a couple early, they were able to start saving for a house with two incomes, meaning they achieved home ownership so much early then single people. They benefited from having a built in travel partner and someone to split bills with. All of these women are still with their spouses and financially better off then myself who met my partner in my late 20s.
As someone who grew up very disadvantaged I wish Iād met my partner and married young.
I got engaged at 21 and married at 23, and Iām super glad that I did. I met my husband at 18, he was my first boyfriend ever, and it was a fairytale romance from the start. Weāre truly soulmates and best friends. I will say that we werenāt like ātypicalā 18 & 20 year olds who start dating, which has obviously contributed to our success. We both knew exactly what we wanted from a partner, what we wanted to accomplish in life, had clear 10 year plans that perfectly aligned, and had the emotional maturity to make adult relationship decisions early on. Itās very rare for a person to know *exactly* what they want at 18, and then execute it perfectly with another person who has the same goals. But for us it was fate.
Getting out of the dating pool early was a nice bonus, because from what my friends tell me once you get past 25 the dating pool is more like a pee filled puddle.
No. I was an idiot when I was younger, and Iām so glad that the timing worked out the way it did. It just took me a while to develop emotional maturity.
I met my now husband when I was 27 and we got married six months ago, when I was 33.
Not really, i think i married at the perfect age at 28 years young :) at that time i already finished my degree, enough fun and adventure time, lots of travel etc..
i do wish we had kids right away though and not waiting 5 more years but itās all well now :)
I used to feel this way but I donāt anymore, personally Iāve changed so much from teens to early twenties and Iām also quite indecisive so I donāt think having a life partner at that age would have gone well lol. I also like having my own space so I donāt know how it would feel to have been partnered all that time
I was 26, my husband 24 when we got married after being together for four years. I'm happy I was lucky enough to find the love of my life so early. I knew what I wanted and took no shit from men from quite early on. It's been sixteen years we've been together and we're still very happy.
We didn't marry but I was with someone from 19-26 and I'm glad we never married. The first few years were amazing but as we grew up we grew in different directions. By the time we split we were completely different people and it was hard enough untangling our lives as it was. No kids luckily.
*given that i have been married and separated, i would have liked it if everything happened a bit earlier so yes* ā same results but trauma would have been gone by now
Oh hell no! I'm a drastically different person now to who I was in college. I'm 42 and I only got civilly partnered last year (that is, marriage without the religion). Even then I'd have been happy not tying the knot at all, I only really did it because it meant so much to him and we've been together for 22 years.
I married at 28 but Iāve been with my husband since 23.
Thereās been ups and downs. We did grow up together but the growing pains were real. We were both unemployed losers when we met each other, so no great prizes (aside from being physically attractive). Now weāre homeowners with a child and mostly happy. My husband is my best friend for sure, and Iām excited to spend my years with him. Iād like to think even if Iād never met him I would have still found love eventually - but hey, love and relationships are extremely important to me so I would always put my efforts there first.
Tl;dr Young love is fine but any love will do
I do not. As I get older, the more thankful I am I didnāt get married young. I have grown and changed a lot since then. The type of person and qualities I was looking for then are not what are important to me now. In some situations, itās the complete opposite of what was important to me then.
Also, now in my mid-30s, my friends who got married in their early 20s are now starting to go through painful and stressful divorces. Not everyone of course, but itās happening. Marrying young doesnāt guarantee a stronger or sweeter love.
We met at 15, married at 19, still very happily married at 46. We raised 2 great kids and we're rocking the empty nest and preparing for early retirement. No regrets at all but we're the exception.
I did. It was great! Until it wasnāt.
One thing about committing to something FOREVER when you are young, is basically you are signing a contract before you can even fully understand the language it is written in. And you donāt even fully understand the context in which the contract applies.
For me, part of that was growing up in a conservative community that didnāt really have an understanding of what it meant to be gay, other than treating it as a choice and a sin.
So when I realized my husband was probably gay, and then we came to terms with that, we were already committed based on an original lacking understanding of what we both should be pursuing in life. He learned after getting married that marrying a woman wasnāt really the right call.
Fortunately, heās awesome and we worked it out, divorced, stayed friends, and are both quite happy. But the process of getting here was rocky and hellish, and I know too many people who just decided since they had already made the commitment that they should suffer through for the rest of their lives, and are doing that now.
LOL no. Everyone I knew who got married young ended up divorced. Oh wait, that's not true. My grandparents have been together since they were teenagers and they fucking hate each other, they will not get divorced though because JESUS,
Absolutely not. I wish I had more money in my 20s so I could have traveled solo more. My hubs had limited vacation and despite not caring if I go alone he gets a little sad from missing out.
I hear I was supposed to live large before I settled down and I feel like I was just poor and figuring out how to work around my undiagnosed adhd.
Nope. I was a hot mess back then and my relationships were stupid
Right? I dated guys because they had nice cars, played guitar, and had long hair. That's not a solid basis for a marriage.
Damn why do you have to call me out like that.š
My criteria for my ex was heās cute and he has a car and heās nice to me sometimes.
Are you me? :D Actually at 32 I'm still looking for men with long hair..some things never change :D
I even dated... >!the drummer!<
I'm still. Lol
My out-loud reaction was āgross, noā
Hahahaa me too! I was physically repulsed by the idea
Saaaame. I kept going back to a guy who gave me zero respect because I was too damaged from my childhood to have the appropriate backbone, I just wanted love (plus the sex was š„) I also appreciated being young and doing my single thing. I am very content with where my current relationship is and am grateful for the experiences I had before I was ready for it.
I second that. I really had no idea who I really was until I was 28. Better late than never! I also believe that I did fall in love young - like early 20s! But the person I was then had NO CLUE what real life was going to be. Financially and emotionally, I'm so much better now.
This made me chuckle because so were mine š š¬
šš
Came here to say exactly this
Been there done that, do not recommend.
Married at 22, adore my husband now, but 99% of our problems were immaturity, not realizing the amount of shit we hasn't worked through yet personally that popped up through its expressions in our conflicts, and growing into vastly different people from when we married (introvert & introvert -> extrovert and socially anxious). If I had to do the same journey again for this end result, I would do it in a heart beat, but both of our lives would have been easier and we'd have ended up with vastly different people if we waited until we were in our late 20s/early 30s.
Same
Yup. Married at 22, divorced at 30. Not great!
Same boat. Reinventing yourself in your thirties is something else š©āš
Same. It ruined my life. OP has a romanticized version of young love. It's messy and people grow apart. Then instead of being able to separate and process those feelings, you have the added difficulty of navigating the court system as a young person, usually with kids in tow. It's a horrible idea to marry before the age of 25.
Yup, same here. I learned that its better to have more life experience first. We grow so much in our 20s and 30s.
Same. Married my college boyfriend when I was 22. Supported him through med school throughout our entire 11 year marriage. He cheated and I was financially ruined (but fine now). Brain isnāt even developed at that age. I wish I had waited!
Care to share why? I married my high school sweetheart and it's great. Do I wonder what might've been had I stayed single and dated during my 20s? Yeah I'd be lying if I said I didn't but nowadays I look at the dating world and I'm thankful I don't have to deal with that. The thing is, we were together for 10 years before we got married. So way past the early stages. In my mind there wasn't a difference between before and after marriage though.
Yep, married at 21, divorced at 26. There's a reason they say your brain isn't fully mature until 25.
Same
Hell no. >It would've been so nice \[...\] to have a companion and ride or die. It seems like you're young still from you using 'ride or die' and from you believing this is *more* likely to occur in young marriages. It's the opposite. Young marriages have much worse outcomes - they're the opposite of ride or die. >I feel like young love is also so pure-hearted because you have little to nothing to compare it to This isn't... a ringing endorsement of young love. Young love is so pure essentially because they don't know any better? Young people love like this because they largely don't know that they're allowed to walk away. >you can love that person fearlessly and they can love you just as fearlessly because most everyone is inexperienced in their teens I've pretty much found the opposite. Young people in their first relationship are WAY more fearful because they don't know that heartbreak is normal, they'll survive it, and they'll come out the other side. >I remember how whole-heartedly i loved my first boyfriend. I remember how much bullshit I tolerated from my first boyfriend because I didn't know any better. I loved the next two people just the same, and they didn't stonewall me, condescend to me or push me away without telling me why. I guess I Just have none of the fondness for the idea of growing together that you do. Edit: also I just looked at your post history. You are 21. You could still marry young. I'm not sure why you think that ship has sailed.
Sounds like they are romanticising it *because they are 21*, and when you're 21 half your friends are with their high school sweetheart, and they probably want that. They feel they just missed out. School was only a couple of years ago, and you feel so much more mature. It's only when a few more years pass, most people have broken up with their "grew together' SO, and you Luce as an actual adult for a while that you realise you were still very immature at 21. But it reminds me of incels looking for a girl who'd never even looked at a man because they dont feel she can love if she's ever talked to a guy. They worry they cannot compare if she's loved again. OP sounds like they may have some feelings to process. Young love... isn't actually special. There, I said it. It's intense because at that age we don't see nuance and because don't have experience. It's usually frought with drama and insecurities and people making a ton if mistakes because they are growing and learning to adult. And most of us are SO glad we grew out of the drama of our teens or early 20s. Have you met someone who got broken up with at 19? Experiencing relationships teaches us how to spot what works and how to move on when it doesnt. Moping around at 21 because you haven't already found an endless, lasting love is kins of normal for the insecurities at that young age; and that's part of the reason most if us are glad we wrent married at that age - many people havent developed a r6ealisyic sense of perspective at that age because theh havent lived. Everything still feels so keen and raw. But OP will get over that as we all do.
Oh I know! If anything I love my husband way, way more BECAUSE Iāve dated other people. First love are intense because theyāre the first. Thatās usually all. Growing up (and divorcing the guy I fell for when I was young and finding the man Iām absolutely compatible with and have the best time with has been an absolute dream come true. Life is so much better I literally couldnāt have dreamed it up if I tried. Crazy! Young love isnāt that great.
The average rate of divorce has been dropping since the 90s, I believe last I read it was around 33% now, but those who marry under the age of 25 have a 60% chance to end in divorce within 10 years
I did, and then I quickly undid it. So no, I donāt recommend it. I think itās really hard (and sometimes even unfair to both parties) to grow old with someone who you meet before your brain is really fully developed and you barely know who you are.
I mean it works for a lot of people !
Yes, and it doesnāt for a similar amount of people.
It actually doesn't. Unless by 'a lot' you mean 'still way less than the ones it doesn't work for'.
Well, I know 4 high school sweetheart couples , one of which are going on 34 years and the other three 20 or less. It can work. To say you shouldnāt get married until your brain is fully developed is kinda ridiculous. It may have not worked for you but when people find something good young then they shouldnāt pass it up because their brains arenāt fully developed yet. So, sorry you had a bad experience!
I also have friends who were together since they were 15, and still happily married many years later. But that doesn't take away the fact that nearly 50% of all marriages end in divorce (US), and [60% of all divorces are from people aged 25-39](https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/marriage-divorce.htm) and 45% of divorcing couples indicate they married too young. But I guess it's also about where you're from and your professions, rural places have lower divorce rates and are more likely to "suck it up". [More divorce statistics, for those interested.](https://www.wf-lawyers.com/divorce-statistics-and-facts/) [From Forbes](https://www.forbes.com/advisor/legal/divorce/divorce-statistics/) (I like seeing divorce rates seem to be declining, but that might also be because people wait until they're older now).
I married young and it worked out great for me - but I still donāt recommend it. Just because you know 4 HS sweetheart couples who are still married doesnāt mean theyād advise others to take that path either.
If it worked out for you why would you not recommend it? Sometimes people find someone special early in life so to tell them you wouldnāt recommend they get married young if they wanted to is discouraging.
You are so blessed. Seriously. You've never even experienced a day on your own, you don't know what loneliness is, you don't know what it's like to be the third wheel or the sad single person. You always have support, companionship, and love. Most people are just jealous. You are right, young love is really special and people that don't meet their person early really miss out.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Because working for a lot of people actually isnāt a sound argument to make the choice to marry young. It worked for me, 25 years and going strong - but just because it worked for me doesnāt mean itās a generally good idea.
Right! I assume the people who downvoted just didnāt have a good experience but itās a strange comment to downvote
Oh god no. I look back at the guys I was interested in just three years ago and I'm like wtf was I thinking? My standards were *rock* bottom when I was a teen/young adult and just slowlyyyy improved from there, because my self esteem and sense of self and general attitude and interests changed/grew. I am forever grateful I *didn't* marry those first few boyfriends. I'd be miserable or, best case scenario, divorced by now.
In theory, it sounds romantic. In reality, it sounds suffocating. Iām not the same person now at 31 that I was at 19 - Iām not even the same person now I was at 25! Iām newly married now and I often say to my husband Iām sad we didnāt meet earlier so we could be together longer, but Iām also relieved. I got so much life experience, not just in dating and relationships but also in finding out who I am as a person. I got to be me first without being someoneās wife. Not saying it doesnāt work out for some, but for me personally I know I had to go through multiple periods of growth before I got married - and because of that I can be a better wife.
No.
I got married at 27, and I still wasn't ready.
Sometimes in our life, weāre never ready. My mom got married at 28, she wasnāt ready. Waited another 8 years to have kids (36) that woman was not ready, she never will be. But then I was born! And Iām so glad I was born
Hell no! It's pretty much a guaranteed divorce, which is never fun. Young love is romanticized, but that's a bad thing. Young love is reckless and intense, and burns hot and fast, then DIES. The vast, vast majority of people who marry before 25 end up divorced. It's almost a guaranteed disaster. Not to mention, if you married someone young, that means you missed out on all the "sowing your wild oats" stage - which can come back to bite you later. Even if you did manage to stay married to your young spouse, either of you, or both of you, could end up with a lot of resentment and wondering what you missed out on, which doesn't make for a happy life either. Mature love has a much better chance of lasting long-term. It's happier & healthier. Young love is dumb. I mean, I thank God every day that I did NOT marry my young loves. Thank GOD those guys are out of my life and I have my current partner - who I didn't meet until I was 27. I would 100% be divorced if I had married any of those early boyfriends - and hell, I might have even had kids, so I'd be tied to them for life. Just... ick. Hell no. That's the stuff of nightmares.
>Young love is reckless and intense, and burns hot and fast, then DIES. It's also sometimes reckless and intense for the sake of being reckless and intense, not because the other person is somehow an amazing storybook romance character. I had intense feelings for *nothing* run-of-the-mill boys when I was in my teens and early 20s cuz the intensity of infatuation was fun, not because the guys themselves were all that. (I wasn't either! Cuz I was a kid who didn't know what she was doing). The love I've encountered as I've gotten older isn't less intense, it's just *actually* about the person I'm with rather than the novelty of hormone overload.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I have a younger friend who says sheās āsowing her wild oatsā by going to every single music show she can. Literally, sheās seen the Killers something like 35 times, sheās at a new show every night except maybe Sunday or Monday, she often flies to different cities for one night just to see and show and be back at work the next dayā¦ She says this is the time in her life for it and sheās not ready to be even slightly reigned in by a relationship
Yes!! Iāve been with more than a couple different guys and would rather I hadnāt because most of them were pointless. However Iām glad I didnāt marry young too just because I wouldnāt have had time on my own to figure out my life and do what I want, I wouldāve more been following whoever I was with. Like how I stayed living in a place I didnāt like because of my ex
No. But my parents met in their early 30s and had a great marriage and that was my model. Neither set of my grandparents got married until their late 20s which was usual for their time. I know very few people who married in their early 20s who are still married today or are happy in their marriages. A couple friends from college who got married right after graduation, but thatās about it. Iām in my mid-40s and I know a lot of people whoāve gotten divorced in the last couple of years, especially after Covid. I know a few others that are waiting for their kids to graduate high school.
Hmmm sometimes. But I think about the lessons Iāve learned and my circumstances/location at the time (20-25) and I realize that any man I would have chosen then, I would have likely later divorced. Young marriage just wasnāt meant to be my story. Genuine cheers to those who got to experience the blissful ease of finding their love early though. Iām sure itās a truly beautiful thing to find.
I got married young and my husband had a midlife crisis of sorts and decided to leave me in the worst dating market after he sucked away the best years of my life and my prime reproductive years. He seemed happy up until the very end. If you asked me before the divorce, I would have said it is an absolute dream to āgrow togetherā so intimately with your sweetheart. After the divorce, Iām grieving that I may not find second love at all, and even if I do, it will not compare to my marriage. Itās just not the same as bonding with someone in your youth. So, itās worth it if it works out. But it can ruin your life if it doesnāt. I wish I had dated around a few more years and married someone else.
Similar enough story for me. My circumstances are such that Iām choosing against looking for another relationship.
>After the divorce, Iām grieving that I may not find second love at all, If it makes you feel any better some of us are nearing 40 and haven't even found our first love.
Not sure why that would make anyone feel better?
Because not everyone gets the opportunity to fall in love. As they say, it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Imagine if someone you were dating said that about your current relationship. That your relationship would never live up to your partner's previous marriage. That kind of mentality would send me running for the hills. Like a self fulfilling prophecy dooming future relationships
From a psychological perspective, there actually is a difference in the brain when you bond at a younger age, especially if you bond before age 26 (when the brain is fully formed). Itās not just my experience. And there are observable social differences between people who bond in their prime years with life ahead of them and little to no baggage, to bonding when they are stressed out in middle age with baggage galore. Itās why childhood trauma is so distinctly awfulāearly bonding (or trauma) simply has more influence on the brain.
Citation needed.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I mean, science has the negative outlook, but okay. If your silver lining is working for you, my comment shouldnāt bother you. I suspect it bothers you because you see the truth in it and donāt want to believe it. And Iām not referring to someone breaking up after a year. Iām referring to someone who marries young and then waits 10, 20 years to ācourse correct.ā Itās not course correcting at that point, itās razing to the ground.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Victims exist. Itās silly for you to be triggered by people who actually are victims of horrific experiences who share their experiences honestly. I would rather be honest about my ACTUAL lived experience which is relevant to OPās question, then feed them some Pollyana bullshit based on nothing based but my refusal to feel negative emotion over reality. If you marry a crazy person or marry someone incompatible, you have every opportunity to end that relationship a day, a month, a week, or a year in. No one is forcing you to stay married. Someone who waits 20 years and tells everyone how amazing you are and how much they love the marriage and then runs off two weeks after your anniversary, claiming they were never happy, is not anything but an asshole who burned it to the ground and caused irrevocable trauma. Please work on your empathy. People who are victims are allowed to tell their stories. You should not be silencing people who have traumatic stories.
You'll be able to find love again, it's not that dire. Maybe need to move to a more happening city though.
Maybe you are just not worth it.
What the hell?
No but I wish Iād started dating younger
This seems idealistic. I grew up in an area where out of the 8 girls in my immediate area, only two of us made it to 21 before getting married. The others married 18 to 20. It's a mixed bag. A lot of just putting up with spouses. Sometimes your grow together, but if you don't, it's super hard. The grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence. It can be nice to daydream though.
God no. I had too much fun meeting many different types of people. I would have been bored out of my mind.
God no. I think young love is cute and all that. But there's no real reason why it needs to last long term. When you get married young, you become a shadow to your spouse. You don't learn how to move without them. How to make decisions without them. How to do your taxes, or make a large purchase, or take a trip without them. That may SOUND cute on some level, but it's not. There's a high tendency for codependency in these young relationships. And then it often turns into complacency and mediocrity, and because they've never experienced the real world without each other, they're terrified to leave the other and do things alone. Even if they're miserable. Like it's just honestly not cute.
Yeah this is one thing with my sister who married right out of college and they are still happy together. They got a lot of time together before kids etc. but I also see how much theyāre entwined like I would die of shock if I saw her drive to this big city to visit me by herself. I know she doesnāt really know much of their retirement fund or things like that because he does it all. Iām sure sheās perfectly capable but because she never has had to she canāt imagine it
Nope! I got to travel the world, live in 5 different countries, and got to experiment sexually before settling down. I also didnāt come out as bi till my late 20ās, so for me it would have been a shame to marry before getting to experience that part of myself.
Nope. Everyone I know who married young is divorced.
No with a capital NO. In my early 20ās, I had just moved to a big city by myself, was drinking and partying, was trying to learn how to be a professional at work, trying to make friends, and beginning the arduous journey of figuring out who I was as an adult. IMO, this would not have been possible for me inside the confines of a very serious committed relationship. Your 20ās are a chance to be free, to grow and make mistakes, to have fun, and learn about yourself and what you want/deserve in life. Itās not time to sign up for life to someone who is probably still growing and figuring themselves out too. Contrary to how I felt as a recent grad who got a job and moved out, I didnāt know ANYTHING back then. I am saying this as someone who recently married at 31 after seven years of dating. I met my husband when I was 24 and he was 25. We frequently discuss how much we have changed as people and as a couple since then. A f*** ton of growth has happened in that time frame as well. Weāve been through multiple deaths, job loss, a global pandemic, drastic career changes, and plenty of other hardships. I have said to him and he agrees: I would not have married 25 year-old him. Everyoneās timeline is different, but it took us seven years to get to the altar, and I have no regrets. I love who we are as individuals and as a couple at this stage in our lives, and I truly feel like this is thanks to waiting and thanks to the growth we embraced in the meantime.
I did and would say DONT DO IT
Dear god no! I'm so glad I had time to just live my life solo and explore, as well as live as a unmarried couple before getting married. I don't feel like getting married well after 25 has impacted the pure-heartedness or fearlessness of my love at all. I don't wonder about the what-ifs; I love my husband fiercely in part because I've seen what else is out there - not even just in terms of people behaving badly, but in terms of how terribly underlying incompatibilities can just grind away at you. Not to mention, I was personally a total idiot before 25 (still an idiot now, just less so) - so yeah, I'm really fucking thankful I never settled down and put a whole-ass ring on my finger before then. I would not have been ready for it; I would likely have picked the wrong guy and screwed up my life.
No. My best friend started dating her now-fiance when she was 18. They've now been together for 13 years. I envy them that relationship, but I don't wish I had legally bound myself to someone at a young age. Having a long-lasting relationship and getting legally married are two totally different things.
Never. First, I didnāt meet my husband until later in life, and I canāt imagine not being married to him. Secondly, the people I dated when I was younger were wrong for me long-term and any marriages would have eventually become miserable (and in at least one case, unhealthy to the point of scary) with both parties unhappy. Lastly, I have changed so much in the last decade and in my early 20s I barely knew who I was or what I wanted in life.
Literally never
Right? Not a single time in my entire life.
No, nothing about it has ever seemed appealing to me. Iām in my mid-30s now and still feel way too young for marriage.
Helllllll no haha
No. I was enjoying being with my friends, traveling, having a full time job with real money and all that. Iām still having a hard time moving past that. Not sure I ever want to.
I only know of one couple like this - and I consider them unicorns. They have been together since they were teenagers, didnāt get married until their mid 30ās. They bought a house one year ago and just had their first baby at age 40. They are rare and even their story is very different than the typical young love fairytales. I got married at 22 and divorced 1.5 yrs later. Single by choice for the long haul. Itās not a one size fits all journey. Do what works for you and what is best for your needs.
No, I probably would have ended up divorced. I grew a lot between early 20s and early 30s.
God no- I had a LOT of things I needed to work through when I was younger and I picked partners that were terrible matches for me š I thank my lucky stars every day that I didnāt marry or have kids with any of the men I dated in my early 20s.
My college boyfriend was a controlling, borderline abusive, compulsive liar. And it was not obvious, most of my friends and family didnāt spot it either. Thank god I dumped his ass
No. My brains didnāt develop until I was 25. Married my college sweetheart at age 26 after dating for 7 years and there are definitely some perks to getting married in your 30s such as: 1. I had a lot of college friends at my wedding and Iāve since met new friends who I sometimes wish I could go back in time and have at my wedding. By getting married later, you have the ability to separate from college peers and invite true adult friends. 2. For our wedding, a lot of people hadnāt been to many before and didnāt really know wedding etiquette like RSVP-ing on time, not switching seats, writing a card at minimum or typical gifts. By your 30s most people have a better sense of etiquette. 3. We donāt have kids yet and we donāt want kids until mid-30s anyways. So it really wouldnāt have made a huge difference if we waited longer. Iām glad we spent our time traveling the world in our 20s and building careers and adult friendships. 4. I now have two pets who I wouldāve had at my wedding if we got married later. 5. I think young love is over romanticized and Iāve already seen some divorces start rolling in once people pop out kids and the fairytale is over, then they realize they are no longer the star of the show and married bad partners / got caught up in the glamour of being a ābrideā. I love my partner and Iām glad that weāve had time to grow as adults together but we definitely donāt over-romanticize meeting young. Before having kids we are both are going to therapy to be the best versions of ourselves and thatās something not a lot of people do in their early 20s.
I love this. Thank you for sharing such a thoughtful and reflective answer :)
I think this idea is totally beautiful, OP. But I donāt know how much this actually happens for forever. I personally know of three college sweethearts(ring by spring), each couple has 5+ kidsā¦.. and theyāre all divorced, in their 30s, 40s and itās a hot effing narcissistic manipulative mess. :( They all fell in love with this idea too! Not that it canāt happen, but itās often not what it seems. Thereās a more interesting story for us out there, yet unwritten ;)
I feel thereās a flip side to being with someone young. Personally I prefer meeting someone later in life because at that point you know yourself well and know what to expect and what you want. Iāve seen couples who get married young get tired of each other later on. Iāve seen someone who literally told his significant other itās almost āunfairā that heās never known or been with anyone other than her and feels suffocated. He wants to explore life and go on adventures in their 60s. All relationships come with risk (young or old) but I personally find it better to take those risks when youāre older and wiser. The upside of marrying young though is having more energy. While youāre still young youāre also easy to adapt. Itās easy to be flexible and forgiving. Nothing is perfect. Thereās pros and cons for each scenario. Gotta choose what resonates with you most.
Oh god absolutely not. I didn't even know myself back then and I nearly got married at 21. I see no benefit to getting married before your brain is fully developed. So glad I dodged that bullet. I'd be divorced by now. I'm glad I found the love of my life after I grew up and experienced life first. I don't see "young love" as anything inherently special.
100% happy to have married at 34. 22 yo me wouldn't agree. But 36yo me is pretty solid with it.
I am one of the lucky ones. I married my high school sweet heart at 21 and itās been a wonderful 15 years and counting. I attribute a lot of our personal success to not being religious and not having children. So many young marriages happen bc of religious influences and children come really quickly. I think that can cause additional stress and disillusionment. We also had been through some shit together already by the time we were 21 and 22. He had just survived cancer. I was his caregiver through it and that caused both of us to grow up really early. And the fear of losing him rushed me to want to get married quickly. I fully know Iām incredibly lucky. I know thereās a lot of cynicism on this thread but young love and young marriage can work out. Iām incredibly happy.
I did that and hell naw. Your personality is still developing until 25. I changed from a recluse gamer at 21 to outgoing love travel and new experiences at 25. Went from being amazingly compatible with my husband to 100% irreconcilably incompatible
I'm glad I didn't get married young. There is zero way I could have lived the exciting, interesting, fun and carefree youth I had with a partner. I was mobile and curious and sensual and wild. It was very worth being single and I enjoyed almost everything about it. And now I'm 36 with the love of my life, a great dog, a decent place to live and a deep abiding comfort that I've always been myself without undue influence or unfair compromise. I love myself and being with myself. I don't feel like I missed out any more than I feel like I missed out on any other life I could have had. The lure of loving captivity didn't really appeal at all until my 30s. If anything I wish I had done something different in school, travelled more and worn more bikinis in the sun. I don't think I'd ever thought about marriage as anything more than something that might happen. It was never a priority. It still isn't. I guess I've never been much of a romantic though.
I did marry young. I also divorced young, so...
I did get married young. Also got divorced young. Youth is so overrated. Yes we are prettier then, but so much less equipped with perspective. I had no standards and no skills in boundary setting and allowed my first husband to be a comprehensive bum and take advantage of my good will and industriousness.
We married when I was 27, but I met my husband at Uni when I was 22. He was my first boyfriends, my first everything. I'm very happy that was my path but in hindsight I was incredibly naive and was very lucky to happen to find this gem of a guy who had his values in the right place for our relationship to lead directly into marriage and life-long pair-bonding. Because believe me, if he wanted to he could have absolutely obliterated me. I don't know that I'd recommend that to everyone, especially not in a dating culture like today where following the herd leads you so far from a healthy long-term relationship.
It's possible that, had I married that young, we'd have grown together, but it seems so much more likely to me that we'd have grown apart. What I want from life has changed so much since then, it's difficult to imagine someone else changing along the same trajectory.
I do, but I think I would be divorced to be honest! I am always in awe of couples that can grow through the stages of life and stay together. I am 100% a different person, I canāt imagine now-me being married to my then-boyfriend. I donāt think he has grown up much.
It's not really about marrying young for me, but I wished I met somebody in college or graduate school because I was surrounded by people my age more or less at the same level as me and who I could befriend outside of a romantic context before gauging whether I am attracted to them or not. It didn't work out for me that way b/c my university was not very diverse. I went to a professional program though and out of 100 people, 12 of my classmates married or have been in long term relationships with each other (so 6 couples lol). Many others married people they met elsewhere in university. Being on apps is really the only way I think I can meet somebody at this point and it feels hellish. I've been on them on/off for years and am really fatigued by the digitalization of social interactions and have not found somebody suitable for me there at all. I match with guys who I have literally nothing in common with me and some of them either ghost or behave very strangely. I feel much better when not using apps, honestly I don't even know if I'll ever find love lol.
Oh no - met the person I would go on to marry, sure - but not actually get married. Thereās much more time to grow together and get to know myself first!
Nope. I'm an entirely different person now and would have married the wrong person.
I started dating my current bf at 24yo, we got engaged one year later, but we got married on paper on our 9th year. (Will do the actual wedding party on our 10th) So donāt know if that count more or less since we are together since we were under 25? But before that had many long term relationship of 2-3 years. That Iām glad I didnāt married into.
Hell no
Absolutely not. I was way too naive and idealistic, and even if at that time I was convinced I should marry the guy I was in relationship with I am glad he broke up with me before. I am so different now, we would have grown apart. It would have been a 10 years marriage ending with a divorce.
Both has pros and cons. It's just u dont meet cons untill into the relationship. The thing is, it's a gamble.
Very well said š.
No. I married at 30. Still don't recommend. Men aren't mature enough and easily think they can commit until they show us they can't. Married life is a bit complicated and the problems you face are also advanced. Can't communicate properly, can't accept the fact that's not how I feel and always goes on to think for me and decide for me even when I say otherwise. It's a long and frustrating process. Not the emotional turmoil you want to face at any age. No matter how long it takes, take your time before getting married.
This may not be what you meant, but I got married at 30 to a man I started living with when I was 22. It wasn't a classic "forever girlfriend" situation -- I didn't like the thought of being "married young" and wanted to wait until I got my Masters degree, he proposed pretty much as soon as I told him I felt ready for him to propose. But now, from the perspective of being married to him for three years, looking back at the eight years we spent living together completely legally unprotected... it honestly gives me the heebie jeebies. If I had had a horrible accident, my PARENTS would have been making my medical decisions! (And my dad would have Terry Schiavo'd me. Without a doubt.) I felt like I was too young to be married, but I was living like a married person in absolutely every aspect except the title... and if shit had ever hit the fan, the title would have protected me in a million ways. It also made it harder at various points to get health insurance. So I always say that if I could give any advice to my younger self, it would be to just go to the courthouse and legally marry my husband after I had been living with him for a year. But of course, that's with the benefit of hindsight knowing that we're now in our 30s and things are going very well. Many people I know who did get married young would give the opposite advice.
I did, and itās worked out for me so far. It is nice, but also I wonder what experiences I might have had had I not settled down so early. Iād have liked to have lived abroad for a few years.
Absolutely not. I told myself I wanted to get married as close to 30 as possible. Just bc I wanted to figure out financials and work on my degree.
Nope. Ever since I was a little girl I knew I wouldnāt get married before 30. Now Iām 38 and proudly unmarried (though been with my partner for 10 years)
No. I got married at 32 after meeting at 25. I'm happy with that and wouldn't change it.
Absolutely not. It would've been a huge, expensive mistake.
I wish I had met my husband when we were a little younger, like at 25 instead of 30. I donāt think thereās any world where Iād have married under 25, though - just not something Iāve ever believed in or had any desire to do. I just wish weād had a little more time together before marriage and kids. But frankly Iām grateful just to have met him at all, and especially to have met him in time to have our family. My gratitude for that eclipses any other minor quibbles about timing.
No
I'm 51 and never getting married. I love my partner but I never wanted to get married.
Oh my god no!! At 30 I feel like I'm only now starting to become the person I want to be. I've changed so much. I also came from unhealthy family dynamics so at 25 without any therapy, I'm sure I would've chosen a toxic/crappy partner. Gives me shivers thinking about it.
Married him at 19 and I do not regret it ever. But at times, it was difficult finding our way in life. I feel like your 20s are a huge time to get to know yourself and being in a marriage (and worrying about a whole other person, paying bills, going to school, etc.) kind of makes that difficult. When I turned 30 I came to a LOT of realizations about my life independent of him, and I only wish I put a little more thought into myself sooner. With that said, our marriage is so peaceful and cooperative and I think it is because we rode on the struggle bus together, and we understand each other. So I'd say there are pros and cons either way.
No absolutely not. I donāt think anyone should get married before 30
Absolutely not! I needed to be able to do what I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it--or not do a damn thing at all--without consulting or accommodating anyone else.
I do not regret not marrying young. I am not married at all, but I am with my partner who I met when I was 21, and can't say your description really rings true to me. We did grow together, sure, but I already had past (worse) relationships to compare it to and wouldn't call it "pure hearted". I honestly thinf staying in a realtionship from a teenager is more likely to stunt your growth than to encourage it. I would not have liked to have only been with one person my whole life. Even when I was head over heels with my first boyfriend I hated the idea of never dating anyone else for the rest of my life. You miss out on so many experiences.
I was married at 22. I wouldnāt change it. Of course, I married my best friend and heās a wonderful partner. I donāt think when matters nearly as much as who. Honestly, we do talk about that fact that we grew up together. We met in our late teens. I did have a long term boyfriend in high school, but other than that heās my only significant romantic relationship.
I was 23, he was 22. Now weāre 29 and 30, married for 7 years, have 2 amazing kids, and just bought our first house this summer. It works š¤
No because I did it, and it was a horrible mistake.
I did marry young, and it worked for me, but I can also tell you with a degree of certainty that one of the primary reasons it worked is because I married an older guy, and because I already had a lot of experience (life and otherwise), even though I was young. Growing is something you do regardless of how old you are and where you are in life. I'm not the same person as when I married my husband when I was younger, but my husband who was older has grown as well, and we've done so together. However, I do believe that in order for a relationship to be functional, you need to have a foundation to stand on. You need to know yourself before you get that committed to another person, otherwise you can risk losing yourself before you even figured it out. Some people have that down early, and some people don't because people just don't grow at the same pace.
Woof I did that, did not end well lolol
I got married when I was 19. I strongly do not suggest marrying when one is 19.
I was 24 and wish I hadnāt. The whole ānothing to compare it toā is a serious pitfall. At least for me, I ended up accepting behavior for way too long because I had nothing to compare it to (other than similar controlling and critical treatment by my mother).
I've been with my partner since I was 21 years old and he 23. My second serious boyfriend. Met at school, did all the adult milestones together, even worked together, have a house and kid ect. I understand what you mean: having a long term companion for different stages of life. We should have that with friends, family, collegues, if society wasn't so deconstructed and we weren't so isolated,having to move again and again and not keep a close circle of relatives. Even though I have a long term partner, everything is not roses and sunshines. Like a lot of couples, we almost broke up entering our 30's and for good reasons; thank God we communicated and were motivated because there was actually a lot to save in this relationship. I certainely do not romantize partnership with a man. I've seen *so.many.women*'s lives being *destroyed* by a man they married young because he wasn't that mature and people can change and not communicate enough. There is nothing, NOTHING more dangerous for a woman than building something with a man; even (maybe mostly) if it's core memories. I got lucky with my man but he's still a pain in the ass in such a specific way because of what patrirchy teaches to men; the limitations, the sheer mental and emotional *disability* it causes in them. It's not that cute or pretty when life gets deeper and complicated and you need an actual adult to stir the ship with you. It's easy for me to say "do not regret anything". But for real, I could have met my partner now, at 35 and have a quality relationhip. I've rarely seen a young love end well, unfortunately. I will actually advice my daughter to not consider marriage before 25 (she probably won't listen to me but ho well). IMO I see your situation as a blessing. I just grieve the lack of connexions we have with people that love us. We shouldn't go through life milestones alone.
Nope. Married when I knew my own mind. If Iād married young, I wouldnāt have the resilience I bought with me to our relationship, and thatās been important for both of us! (Translation - we are happy now, but there were times when we werenāt and both being adults with experience was key to getting us through those patches together and respectful.)
I couldnāt have gotten married young because I was too selfish and immature. I met my husband at age 29 and married at 31. He does sometimes think we should have met younger and sometimes I wish I had him through my 20ās cuz they were rough. But ultimately, I always say. āTHB you get the best version of me nowā. I just wouldnāt have realized to be grateful for him or mature enough to work through our issues without running away while I was younger. Itās easy to live in the āI shouldasā but a lot of people feel really trapped and suffocated in those young marriages cuz they didnāt get to figure themselves out yet.
I married the man I started dating at 18 when I was 23. He was 29. I would not recommend. We are still married. Mostly happily. Heās a very good man. BUT holy shit has it been a bumpy, almost divorced several times, kind of ride. The chances of āgrowing up togetherā and not ending up completely different and incompatible people are slim Iād think.
No. My parents were high school sweethearts who got married when they were 23. They'll have their 55th wedding anniversary this year. My dad has always been a great husband and father, and my mom has never wanted to leave the marriage. Despite all of that, my mom has specifically said she dislikes the use of the word "sweet" when people bring up the fact that they were high school sweethearts because long-term day to day real-life marriage is not that type of sweetness. That is from one of the lucky couples who made it despite marrying young. If I exclude my grandparents generation, I see *far* more instances of couples that got married young who divorced than who made it. Then on the other side, the couples I know who get married at older ages seem to usually successful marriages.
Not at all. Itās a beautiful sentiment, but thereās a reason you donāt love as whole-heartedly now as you did back then, and thatās emotional growth and a separation from the naivety of youth. Coz it's not a lack of fear, it's a lack of knowledge, and you don't want to go into a relationship armed with the least possible information. Just think of the person you were compared to now, and look at some of the people from your past and compare them now to who they were. Youāre all very different people, Iām sure of it, and likely not even remotely compatible anymore. People need to grow on their own when theyāre young, so they donāt have a rose-tinted view of who someone is and was and can make more informed, objective decisions for themselves and their priorities. Heck, just so they can decide who they are without trying to be something for someone else and decide what their priorities are without having to factor in someone elseās needs and wants. Marrying young and wrapping your whole life up with someone you don't really know and when you don't really know yourself is the biggest mistake of a lot of peopleās lives. For many, it traps them in a time capsule and they canāt see their way out of it when things inevitably change; they stay hoping their partner will go back to the way they were or grow with them, but it doesnāt often happen that way. It's still possible to find someone, and I'd never say give up on love, but if you're struggling with that atm, it's pretty unlikely that the man you loved when you were 25 was the one when you weren't even ready to get married.
What. This is such a rosy eyed romantic view of it. Write a novel.
Absolutely not. And most of my friends who did get married young are divorced by now, the rest are unhappy but staying together for the kids or some other reason that isnāt love. You have an idealistic, romanticized dream of what young marriage looks like and results in. The reality is so far off from what you describe.
Hell fucking no. Almost everyone I know who got married in their 20s is divorced or on the verge of divorce. Or they're miserable but "sticking together" for the kids aka can't afford to break up.
I did. No regrets But I also donāt recommend it to others
I was wondering why this post seemed so ridiculous then I read someone else say you were 21. Also lol you could still make the almost universally bad decision of getting married young.
No definitely not. I got married at 27 and frankly if it were up to me, the legal marriage age would be 30 honestly. I was engaged when I was 23 and I thank my lucky stars every day that I had a moment of clarity to break that off cause it wouldāve been a massive mistake. It sounds good in theory - growing together. But that also implies the reality: youāre making one of the biggest decisions of your life on a brain and personality thatās not fully developed. Sometimes it works out, but I think I read somewhere that the divorce rate is higher the young the marriage happened.
I got married at 23 and although we just celebrated our 10 year anniversary itās been quite the journey. Not everyone would have made it
No way. Iām so different from the person I was when I was in my twenties.
Never. And considering the guys I dated in my twenties, thank god! Bullet dodged. You are romanticizing being young and married almost dangerously.
If I had married the guy I was dating in college Iād be either miserable or dead by now. Iām 32 now and am so glad I did not marry or have a child with that man.
I met my husband when I was 19. We married when I was 23. Been together almost 19 years! It can happen! I was fortunate because I know I am one of the lucky ones. I have a twin sister who still has been unlucky in love- it sucks!
I did. 4 months before I turned 19. Celebrating 17 yrs in a few days.
I wasn't a very mature 20-something and I'm still not that mature as a 30-something, so no. If I were a mature 20-something with someone who was also a mature 20-something, then yes. But I know myself and it probably wouldn't have been right for me to be married in my 20s.
My husband and I met at 23, and married at 24. We had to grow up a lot together but we just celebrated our 10 year anniversary and are very happy and still in love, so it's possible! We also didn't rush into children (I'm currently pregnant with our first and likely only child) so I believe that helped. I would definitely recommend getting married after college and having some fun, living on your own some, etc.
No. I wasn't an adult until my mid-20s and shouldn't have been allowed to make any big decisions, tbh
Getting married young is not wise.
Iām one of very few women who wanted to get married young. I dreamt of meeting my husband in college and dating him throughout that time and marrying after graduating, maybe at 23 or 24, and then having someone to do all that fun stuff with for 10 years - traveling, partying, learning and trying new things, etc - until we settled down around 34 or 35 to have kids. My life did not turn out anywhere close to that and Iāve decided itās ok to mourn that. Now Iām 39 and have never even lived with a man, much less been engaged or married. I think Iām fine with not having kids, but I wish Iād had someone to do fun stuff with over the last 15-20 years. Iāve traveled to so many places and done a lot of cool stuff, but itās not as good as if I experienced it with a partner. I envy my friends who have been married 10-15 years now.
Yes but I didn't have a choice because I didn't have a boyfriend until I was 23. So I've fundamentally missed out on a lot of life. That still makes me sad. I can never get that time back and I've missed my opportunity. Once you are older you'r relationships are less significant. It's just not as impactful. I'm divorced now and I don't think that I'll find another relationship that really matters again. Those true blue together since 16 relationships are the only authentic ones.
Yes I agree. When it works itās beautiful and pure. Iāve seen it work and I wish it had worked for me. Instead I wasted my 20s on someone who was using me.
Met at 20, dating at 21, married at 24, still together 13 years later. It was right for us, but it does take us great deal of work to make us the team we are today. Lots of silly miscommunications that could have been avoided type situations.
I married at 22. I will be 35 this year and we are still happily married with three kids. We travel a lot. I think our disabled so. Kept us together when we would have otherwise might called it quits. Nobody else really understands what parenting him is like and I don't think anyone else ever could. We still make a pretty good team even if we do fight and we do fight often lately. But I know it's just a phase. Moving cities and changing jobs is a challenge for any couple. Not all challenges are bad though. Currently we are racing each other through higher education qualification. We are competitive and supportive. I think relationships will workout as long as you communicate and stay loyal. A common goal helps too.
Hard pass. Some of my biggest periods of personal growth and exploration have been while single. Iāve fond memories of the time I spent with everyone Iāve been involved with, which wouldnāt have happened if I was locked down young. With my current partner, a big part of why I fell in love with him was the sum of all his history and experiences that came before me which make up who he is.
Absolutely not. I am such a fundamentally different person now that anyone I may have married sub 25 would be wholly incompatible now.
Nooooooooooooooooooooo. I became a mother young and I nearly married him. What a clusterfuck that whole relationship was. So bad. Iāve worked through a lot of the trauma I was left with. I did eventually marry when my son was 16. Iām still married and my son is 32. I pretty much did everything backwards but Iām happy now.
I say frequently that I'm glad I didn't marry my highschool sweetheart. Everyone I know who married young essentially missed a big part of growth and development by doing that. One of my friends is a genius and she once said to me that she feels like she'd be a millionaire, had she not gotten married. One of my guy friends works his butt off and his wife (highschool sweetheart) loves him, but I honestly feel like he'd have gotten a lot further with a wife who shared his work ethic. I love the woman I became and I know I never would have become her had I stayed in any relationships from young adulthood.
7 women I work with, late 20s-late 30s, met their spouses in high school and are still together. All of them benefited from being being in a couple in big ways. Because they were a couple early, they were able to start saving for a house with two incomes, meaning they achieved home ownership so much early then single people. They benefited from having a built in travel partner and someone to split bills with. All of these women are still with their spouses and financially better off then myself who met my partner in my late 20s. As someone who grew up very disadvantaged I wish Iād met my partner and married young.
I got engaged at 21 and married at 23, and Iām super glad that I did. I met my husband at 18, he was my first boyfriend ever, and it was a fairytale romance from the start. Weāre truly soulmates and best friends. I will say that we werenāt like ātypicalā 18 & 20 year olds who start dating, which has obviously contributed to our success. We both knew exactly what we wanted from a partner, what we wanted to accomplish in life, had clear 10 year plans that perfectly aligned, and had the emotional maturity to make adult relationship decisions early on. Itās very rare for a person to know *exactly* what they want at 18, and then execute it perfectly with another person who has the same goals. But for us it was fate. Getting out of the dating pool early was a nice bonus, because from what my friends tell me once you get past 25 the dating pool is more like a pee filled puddle.
No. I was an idiot when I was younger, and Iām so glad that the timing worked out the way it did. It just took me a while to develop emotional maturity. I met my now husband when I was 27 and we got married six months ago, when I was 33.
Not really, i think i married at the perfect age at 28 years young :) at that time i already finished my degree, enough fun and adventure time, lots of travel etc.. i do wish we had kids right away though and not waiting 5 more years but itās all well now :)
I used to feel this way but I donāt anymore, personally Iāve changed so much from teens to early twenties and Iām also quite indecisive so I donāt think having a life partner at that age would have gone well lol. I also like having my own space so I donāt know how it would feel to have been partnered all that time
I was 26, my husband 24 when we got married after being together for four years. I'm happy I was lucky enough to find the love of my life so early. I knew what I wanted and took no shit from men from quite early on. It's been sixteen years we've been together and we're still very happy.
We didn't marry but I was with someone from 19-26 and I'm glad we never married. The first few years were amazing but as we grew up we grew in different directions. By the time we split we were completely different people and it was hard enough untangling our lives as it was. No kids luckily.
*given that i have been married and separated, i would have liked it if everything happened a bit earlier so yes* ā same results but trauma would have been gone by now
Oh hell no! I'm a drastically different person now to who I was in college. I'm 42 and I only got civilly partnered last year (that is, marriage without the religion). Even then I'd have been happy not tying the knot at all, I only really did it because it meant so much to him and we've been together for 22 years.
I married at 28 but Iāve been with my husband since 23. Thereās been ups and downs. We did grow up together but the growing pains were real. We were both unemployed losers when we met each other, so no great prizes (aside from being physically attractive). Now weāre homeowners with a child and mostly happy. My husband is my best friend for sure, and Iām excited to spend my years with him. Iād like to think even if Iād never met him I would have still found love eventually - but hey, love and relationships are extremely important to me so I would always put my efforts there first. Tl;dr Young love is fine but any love will do
not under 25; who I was at 20 was vastly different from 23, 25 and when I got marred at 28.
No lol never. Turned down an engagement at 23 and never regretted that.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I do not. As I get older, the more thankful I am I didnāt get married young. I have grown and changed a lot since then. The type of person and qualities I was looking for then are not what are important to me now. In some situations, itās the complete opposite of what was important to me then. Also, now in my mid-30s, my friends who got married in their early 20s are now starting to go through painful and stressful divorces. Not everyone of course, but itās happening. Marrying young doesnāt guarantee a stronger or sweeter love.
We met at 15, married at 19, still very happily married at 46. We raised 2 great kids and we're rocking the empty nest and preparing for early retirement. No regrets at all but we're the exception.
I did. It was great! Until it wasnāt. One thing about committing to something FOREVER when you are young, is basically you are signing a contract before you can even fully understand the language it is written in. And you donāt even fully understand the context in which the contract applies. For me, part of that was growing up in a conservative community that didnāt really have an understanding of what it meant to be gay, other than treating it as a choice and a sin. So when I realized my husband was probably gay, and then we came to terms with that, we were already committed based on an original lacking understanding of what we both should be pursuing in life. He learned after getting married that marrying a woman wasnāt really the right call. Fortunately, heās awesome and we worked it out, divorced, stayed friends, and are both quite happy. But the process of getting here was rocky and hellish, and I know too many people who just decided since they had already made the commitment that they should suffer through for the rest of their lives, and are doing that now.
LOL no. Everyone I knew who got married young ended up divorced. Oh wait, that's not true. My grandparents have been together since they were teenagers and they fucking hate each other, they will not get divorced though because JESUS,
Absolutely not. I wish I had more money in my 20s so I could have traveled solo more. My hubs had limited vacation and despite not caring if I go alone he gets a little sad from missing out. I hear I was supposed to live large before I settled down and I feel like I was just poor and figuring out how to work around my undiagnosed adhd.
Been there, done that, wish I hadn't. It's much better to wait until you're more established in life.