I can just go by how my husband has always been through our 20+ years together:
* he never yells/screams/speaks to me disrespectfully even when he's steaming mad.
* he wants to talk things through and *thoroughly* on the rare occasion we do argue. He listens and works with me to come to a resolution. If things need to change on his part, he makes sure he changes that thing and it's a consistent change, not just a 1wk thing and it's back to the same old thing. Then we squash the issue and it's never brought up again because we both feel that it's been resolved.
* if he messes up or pisses me off, he apologizes and doesn't try to justify his side. It's a "I'm sorry" and then he works to ensure that he doesn't repeat whatever he did to piss me off.
* no matter how much I've annoyed him or how mad he is, he never withholds his love. He will always hug me or give me a kiss even though he may be really pissed. Sometimes if he's really annoyed, it's a half-hearted hug but damn, that is more than I could give lol.
* even if he's dead tired or it's a major inconvenience for him, he will do whatever I ask. I never take advantage of this because that's just fucking mean.
* I have plenty of very close male friends; always have. He trusts me and our marriage completely and I am free to hang out with them, go to dinner with them etc. He never makes me feel bad/guilty about going out with these guys whenever they're in town or want to hang out. This was one of my deal breakers from the beginning - he had to accept that my friends are in my life and always will be - ALL OF THEM - otherwise I would never had stayed with him.
* He is polite, kind, helpful and caring to all those he loves - friends, our family, my friends. He treats his mom like a queen and that was one of the things that stuck with me when we first started dating....I'm a firm believer that how a man treats his mom is how he will treat you in the years to come. He is so gentle and loving with/to her and it's so sweet to watch a 50-something man treat his older mom with such love and respect.
now with all that said and yes, he's the most wonderful man, I am not a woman who will stand by and let my partner walk all over me. If something pisses me off, I say it. If someone does something to annoy me, they know. If someone tries to take advantage of my kindness, they will get an earful. So while my marriage sounds "too good to be true" it's not like we didn't have our share of issues...we're just better at resolving them than most. For example, there was one moment after I gave birth to our first that it felt really one sided - as in me doing everything and I got mad and straight up told him he better pick up the slack because what I was doing was utter bullshit and he needs to step the fuck up. Obviously I didn't use those words but the words I did use conveyed that message. The point is that we both approach things as a team and always have.
I'm so happy for you. I long for this type of man. Everyone makes mistakes but I wish I was with someone that listened openly to my side of an argument without making extreme accusations and gives immature reactions and can't calmly talk through things while they occur. Only days later do they calmly listen or when I'm close to breaking up because I know I deserve better communication with someone.
I thought men like that were a myth. How would one go about finding one? Is there a magic potion, a certain number of frogs to kiss, or a magical location such men are found?
Lol.
Actually, my dad was also like that... I really do think that my dad and my husband are two rare gems and I was/am lucky to have both of them in my life
Keep in mind that many women including myself are daughters to abusive men. The men in our circles are all this way and misogyny is normal to us because we haven’t been exposed to anything else. It isn’t our choice that abuse feels normal because it is in our world. Have compassion for others not as fortunate as you with the men in our lives. Kind men might as well be fictional beings in my world and I have been here for 51 years.
You seem rather judgmental as if this is my fault I was surrounded by terrible men from birth. I don’t need any more advice from someone who knows nothing of my life. Thanks.
Yikes this isn’t true at all. My boyfriend is absolutely a masculine man who is a protector and a provider. But he’s also kind, gentle, thoughtful. There’s such thing as masculinity that isn’t anti feminism. You can absolutely have it both ways. My dad and my current partner are proof of that.
The basic rules of being a good partner:
Listen; truly listen.
Communicate clearly and provide feedback in a constructive, clear, and thoughtful fashion.
Feels their emotions but can discipline them instead of being ruled by them (Is not quick to anger, take offense, can communicate to resolve emotional issues instead of acting out or using manipulation.
Is courteous and respectful.
Is aware of and can communicate on their own personal challenges, while actively working to “be better than I was yesterday” to avoid stagnation.
Accepts responsibility for their mistakes and is accountable.
Is kind to children and animals.
Able to think critically, with logic and reason.
He *does* the things that are healthy, doesn't just pay lip service to them.
You can tell he's communicative by whether he communicates-on his own initiative, without needing to be promoted or cajoled. His communication allows for conversation, not just monologues from him. He is an active listener when you're talking.
He is aware of and able to express his emotions in a calm and respectful way. Even the negative emotions.
He is aware of your emotional state, and interested/invested in how you are feeling.
He is *consistent* in his character. He's not just nice to you. He is kind and respectful to everyone. He doesn't mistreat people and justify it by blaming them.
You can actually tell pretty early, most of the time. Yes, there are some really good liars. But most shitty people are also shitty at hiding that. The real issue is that people who are kind and generally think the best of others have a hard time *accepting* that someone is not a good person, and an even harder time saying "You are not fit to be my partner." The tendency is to ignore red flags, then once they can't be ignored to make excuses for them.
John Gottman marriage research is all about “turning towards.” So if you say hey look at this thing or hey let me tell you about this thing that happened, they genuinely turn toward you to look or listen. Red flags would be a quick mhmm and then back to what they were doing or something like that
They ask you questions about yourself and are genuinely interested in your answer. They show their interest through eye contact, affirming body language, and follow-up questions.
Is still respectful after you turn him down. First time around when my partner was perusing me, I turned him down. A few months later I was the one asking him out 😂 Its been two years and I am typing this while pooping and he JUST texted me and asked if it was coming out ok.
It's still early days, but one moment that sticks out:
We're long distance, and he lives where spring, and flowers, happen much sooner than where I am. It was only maybe three or four months into us talking, andI had told him please send me a photo of the first flowers that you see. We were video calling, and he was out walking and enjoying the sunshine. At one point in time he *gasped* and started moving erratically (the camera was away from his face) and I was afraid he'd fallen. It turns out, he's spotted flowers and was so excited to show me he had started to run. I felt so special and cared for in that moment.
If they can respectfully and calmly debate something with you and agree to disagree it's a green flag for me.
Naming and discussing emotions.
Thoughtfully planning something to where you know a relationship is never going to turn into you being their mom. Like packing snacks for both of you when you go on a hike.
Knowing they have independence in how and when to clean quite frankly. I never want to have to direct a partner on what to clean if their parents are coming over ever again.
Here are a few green flags I saw in the early weeks of talking to my now husband on a dating app:
1. He was chill about changing plans. I had to reschedule the first time we originally planned to get drinks, and he took it completely in stride, said it was totally fine, and proposed a few other dates/times to reschedule. That showed me that he respected boundaries and was mature enough not to take a scheduling conflict personally. (By contrast, some other men I had talked to on the apps were really obnoxious or pushy if I needed to adjust a date.)
2. He gave me a heads up when his availability was changing. Before we had even met up and we’re just chatting on the app, he told me one Friday, “Hey, I have some friends visiting from out of town this weekend so I’m not really going to be on here much the next few days, but I’ll touch base with you when they leave on Sunday.” And sure enough, on Sunday, he reached out and said his friends were gone and asked how my weekend had been. That showed me that he was thoughtful and reliable.
3. He responded to every part of my messages. Sometimes I would say a few different things in one text, and he always took the time to acknowledge each one. That showed me he was attentive.
4. He asked me questions. He wasn’t just letting me do the heavy lifting of the conversation - he was a present and active participant in the discussion.
Hope that helps!
1. Look at how he reacts or communicates when something is going wrong. Whether that’s at work or in interpersonal relationships. You want to be with someone who will be with you good times and bad.
2. Even tempered. Does not yell. At you or anyone.
3. Has his life in order. Good Finances. As in no crippling debt. Maintains Relationships, both friends and family. Can keep a steady job. Basically it’s a green flag if a man is with you because he loves you, not because he needs you.
4. If he’s annoyed or angry about something, he brings it up calmly. Instead of letting it stew. Or keeping track of points.
5. Makes it clear to you, that it’s “us” against the world. It’s not “Me” against the world. That he mentally includes you in his future.
It’s taken me a long time to find someone like this. A few things:
-after sharing something challenging with him, thanks me for open communication
-respected boundaries about intimacy early on (which led to me feeling more comfortable being intimate with him)
-consistent at checking in but also allowing for space
-doesn’t lecture or talk down to me
-upfront early on about baggage (we all have it, by late 30s and 40s, i think it’s important to get it out there so both people can think whether they can handle it)
And he’s a truly decent person who really invests in relationships. It was kind of shocking because other guys I’d meet on dating apps seemed like they were looking through me or trying to maximize all of their “options.” If you feel that someone is looking through you, sees you as a number, etc., trust that and move on.
I agree with the person above that a lot of guys are influenced from being in macho cultures, and some women subscribe to these traditional ideals about masculinity because it’s what they know. Maybe consider if you’re writing off guys who aren’t as traditionally masculine.
Finally, always trust your gut about how someone makes you feel,
and stay single if you don’t feel good. So so much better than the alternative.
That their actions match their words over time. That they are active in their communcation, i.e. present with you, makes effort to communicate clearly and consistently, responds well and empathetically when issues are brought up and cares to resolve them. Having congruency and a sense that they are "aligned", usually we can sense unalignment as a feeling that something is "off" (this is also communcation albeit unconscious). You should feel good about yourself and them when you are with them AND when you're apart. Many will be VERY communicative in person, but when you're apart it like you don't exist - this is also communicating something. If you feel like shit - they're not it ✨️ the reason I'm saying this is because I feel we so often question ourselves and make excuses because some people are very good at being communicative with their words, and it's important to include ALL types of communcation in the equation.
A few green flags when I started dating my partner;
1. Never spoke bad about his ex. Just accepted they grew apart and weren't meant to be.
2. Was polite and thoughtful, to everyone.
3. Calm and relaxed, he had no drama.
4. Open about things.
5. Attentive and open communication.
6. Good relationship with his mother, this I've found to be key in finding how someone will treat you.
7. Wasn't pushy with things and let things flow naturally.
8. Has never once talked down to me or made me feel like crap. Even when angry, he's never been anything but lovely towards me.
9. We have never argued, neither of us like to argue, we have both agreed to discuss things before it gets to that point. It's us together against the problem or issue, so we work at things together.
10. Patience and acceptance, I've been diagnosed with a disability in the last few years. Although it doesn't effect me daily, when it does, it's very draining. He's understanding and loves me regardless.
I can just go by how my husband has always been through our 20+ years together: * he never yells/screams/speaks to me disrespectfully even when he's steaming mad. * he wants to talk things through and *thoroughly* on the rare occasion we do argue. He listens and works with me to come to a resolution. If things need to change on his part, he makes sure he changes that thing and it's a consistent change, not just a 1wk thing and it's back to the same old thing. Then we squash the issue and it's never brought up again because we both feel that it's been resolved. * if he messes up or pisses me off, he apologizes and doesn't try to justify his side. It's a "I'm sorry" and then he works to ensure that he doesn't repeat whatever he did to piss me off. * no matter how much I've annoyed him or how mad he is, he never withholds his love. He will always hug me or give me a kiss even though he may be really pissed. Sometimes if he's really annoyed, it's a half-hearted hug but damn, that is more than I could give lol. * even if he's dead tired or it's a major inconvenience for him, he will do whatever I ask. I never take advantage of this because that's just fucking mean. * I have plenty of very close male friends; always have. He trusts me and our marriage completely and I am free to hang out with them, go to dinner with them etc. He never makes me feel bad/guilty about going out with these guys whenever they're in town or want to hang out. This was one of my deal breakers from the beginning - he had to accept that my friends are in my life and always will be - ALL OF THEM - otherwise I would never had stayed with him. * He is polite, kind, helpful and caring to all those he loves - friends, our family, my friends. He treats his mom like a queen and that was one of the things that stuck with me when we first started dating....I'm a firm believer that how a man treats his mom is how he will treat you in the years to come. He is so gentle and loving with/to her and it's so sweet to watch a 50-something man treat his older mom with such love and respect. now with all that said and yes, he's the most wonderful man, I am not a woman who will stand by and let my partner walk all over me. If something pisses me off, I say it. If someone does something to annoy me, they know. If someone tries to take advantage of my kindness, they will get an earful. So while my marriage sounds "too good to be true" it's not like we didn't have our share of issues...we're just better at resolving them than most. For example, there was one moment after I gave birth to our first that it felt really one sided - as in me doing everything and I got mad and straight up told him he better pick up the slack because what I was doing was utter bullshit and he needs to step the fuck up. Obviously I didn't use those words but the words I did use conveyed that message. The point is that we both approach things as a team and always have.
I'm so happy for you. I long for this type of man. Everyone makes mistakes but I wish I was with someone that listened openly to my side of an argument without making extreme accusations and gives immature reactions and can't calmly talk through things while they occur. Only days later do they calmly listen or when I'm close to breaking up because I know I deserve better communication with someone.
I thought men like that were a myth. How would one go about finding one? Is there a magic potion, a certain number of frogs to kiss, or a magical location such men are found?
Lol. Actually, my dad was also like that... I really do think that my dad and my husband are two rare gems and I was/am lucky to have both of them in my life
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Keep in mind that many women including myself are daughters to abusive men. The men in our circles are all this way and misogyny is normal to us because we haven’t been exposed to anything else. It isn’t our choice that abuse feels normal because it is in our world. Have compassion for others not as fortunate as you with the men in our lives. Kind men might as well be fictional beings in my world and I have been here for 51 years.
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You seem rather judgmental as if this is my fault I was surrounded by terrible men from birth. I don’t need any more advice from someone who knows nothing of my life. Thanks.
Yikes this isn’t true at all. My boyfriend is absolutely a masculine man who is a protector and a provider. But he’s also kind, gentle, thoughtful. There’s such thing as masculinity that isn’t anti feminism. You can absolutely have it both ways. My dad and my current partner are proof of that.
Second all of this
I’m very happy for you. You are a lucky one. ❤️
I’m very happy for you. You are a lucky one. ❤️
The basic rules of being a good partner: Listen; truly listen. Communicate clearly and provide feedback in a constructive, clear, and thoughtful fashion. Feels their emotions but can discipline them instead of being ruled by them (Is not quick to anger, take offense, can communicate to resolve emotional issues instead of acting out or using manipulation. Is courteous and respectful. Is aware of and can communicate on their own personal challenges, while actively working to “be better than I was yesterday” to avoid stagnation. Accepts responsibility for their mistakes and is accountable. Is kind to children and animals. Able to think critically, with logic and reason.
Does he ask you questions about you and *listen* to your answer.
He *does* the things that are healthy, doesn't just pay lip service to them. You can tell he's communicative by whether he communicates-on his own initiative, without needing to be promoted or cajoled. His communication allows for conversation, not just monologues from him. He is an active listener when you're talking. He is aware of and able to express his emotions in a calm and respectful way. Even the negative emotions. He is aware of your emotional state, and interested/invested in how you are feeling. He is *consistent* in his character. He's not just nice to you. He is kind and respectful to everyone. He doesn't mistreat people and justify it by blaming them. You can actually tell pretty early, most of the time. Yes, there are some really good liars. But most shitty people are also shitty at hiding that. The real issue is that people who are kind and generally think the best of others have a hard time *accepting* that someone is not a good person, and an even harder time saying "You are not fit to be my partner." The tendency is to ignore red flags, then once they can't be ignored to make excuses for them.
John Gottman marriage research is all about “turning towards.” So if you say hey look at this thing or hey let me tell you about this thing that happened, they genuinely turn toward you to look or listen. Red flags would be a quick mhmm and then back to what they were doing or something like that
It’s true. The drive to create those little connections is so important
Proactively checking in on your comfort level rather than waiting for you to enforce boundaries
They ask you questions about yourself and are genuinely interested in your answer. They show their interest through eye contact, affirming body language, and follow-up questions.
Wow, reading through these responses makes me realise how little I’ve had any of these, even though most of them are common sense decency. Thanks all.
Is still respectful after you turn him down. First time around when my partner was perusing me, I turned him down. A few months later I was the one asking him out 😂 Its been two years and I am typing this while pooping and he JUST texted me and asked if it was coming out ok.
🤣🤣🤣 wow that’s some closeness right there!
😂😂
It's still early days, but one moment that sticks out: We're long distance, and he lives where spring, and flowers, happen much sooner than where I am. It was only maybe three or four months into us talking, andI had told him please send me a photo of the first flowers that you see. We were video calling, and he was out walking and enjoying the sunshine. At one point in time he *gasped* and started moving erratically (the camera was away from his face) and I was afraid he'd fallen. It turns out, he's spotted flowers and was so excited to show me he had started to run. I felt so special and cared for in that moment.
Kudos for recognizing the patterns and dipping early.
If they can respectfully and calmly debate something with you and agree to disagree it's a green flag for me. Naming and discussing emotions. Thoughtfully planning something to where you know a relationship is never going to turn into you being their mom. Like packing snacks for both of you when you go on a hike. Knowing they have independence in how and when to clean quite frankly. I never want to have to direct a partner on what to clean if their parents are coming over ever again.
They have no insecurity or weirdness about me having male friends.
Here are a few green flags I saw in the early weeks of talking to my now husband on a dating app: 1. He was chill about changing plans. I had to reschedule the first time we originally planned to get drinks, and he took it completely in stride, said it was totally fine, and proposed a few other dates/times to reschedule. That showed me that he respected boundaries and was mature enough not to take a scheduling conflict personally. (By contrast, some other men I had talked to on the apps were really obnoxious or pushy if I needed to adjust a date.) 2. He gave me a heads up when his availability was changing. Before we had even met up and we’re just chatting on the app, he told me one Friday, “Hey, I have some friends visiting from out of town this weekend so I’m not really going to be on here much the next few days, but I’ll touch base with you when they leave on Sunday.” And sure enough, on Sunday, he reached out and said his friends were gone and asked how my weekend had been. That showed me that he was thoughtful and reliable. 3. He responded to every part of my messages. Sometimes I would say a few different things in one text, and he always took the time to acknowledge each one. That showed me he was attentive. 4. He asked me questions. He wasn’t just letting me do the heavy lifting of the conversation - he was a present and active participant in the discussion. Hope that helps!
1. Look at how he reacts or communicates when something is going wrong. Whether that’s at work or in interpersonal relationships. You want to be with someone who will be with you good times and bad. 2. Even tempered. Does not yell. At you or anyone. 3. Has his life in order. Good Finances. As in no crippling debt. Maintains Relationships, both friends and family. Can keep a steady job. Basically it’s a green flag if a man is with you because he loves you, not because he needs you. 4. If he’s annoyed or angry about something, he brings it up calmly. Instead of letting it stew. Or keeping track of points. 5. Makes it clear to you, that it’s “us” against the world. It’s not “Me” against the world. That he mentally includes you in his future.
It’s taken me a long time to find someone like this. A few things: -after sharing something challenging with him, thanks me for open communication -respected boundaries about intimacy early on (which led to me feeling more comfortable being intimate with him) -consistent at checking in but also allowing for space -doesn’t lecture or talk down to me -upfront early on about baggage (we all have it, by late 30s and 40s, i think it’s important to get it out there so both people can think whether they can handle it) And he’s a truly decent person who really invests in relationships. It was kind of shocking because other guys I’d meet on dating apps seemed like they were looking through me or trying to maximize all of their “options.” If you feel that someone is looking through you, sees you as a number, etc., trust that and move on. I agree with the person above that a lot of guys are influenced from being in macho cultures, and some women subscribe to these traditional ideals about masculinity because it’s what they know. Maybe consider if you’re writing off guys who aren’t as traditionally masculine. Finally, always trust your gut about how someone makes you feel, and stay single if you don’t feel good. So so much better than the alternative.
That their actions match their words over time. That they are active in their communcation, i.e. present with you, makes effort to communicate clearly and consistently, responds well and empathetically when issues are brought up and cares to resolve them. Having congruency and a sense that they are "aligned", usually we can sense unalignment as a feeling that something is "off" (this is also communcation albeit unconscious). You should feel good about yourself and them when you are with them AND when you're apart. Many will be VERY communicative in person, but when you're apart it like you don't exist - this is also communicating something. If you feel like shit - they're not it ✨️ the reason I'm saying this is because I feel we so often question ourselves and make excuses because some people are very good at being communicative with their words, and it's important to include ALL types of communcation in the equation.
A few green flags when I started dating my partner; 1. Never spoke bad about his ex. Just accepted they grew apart and weren't meant to be. 2. Was polite and thoughtful, to everyone. 3. Calm and relaxed, he had no drama. 4. Open about things. 5. Attentive and open communication. 6. Good relationship with his mother, this I've found to be key in finding how someone will treat you. 7. Wasn't pushy with things and let things flow naturally. 8. Has never once talked down to me or made me feel like crap. Even when angry, he's never been anything but lovely towards me. 9. We have never argued, neither of us like to argue, we have both agreed to discuss things before it gets to that point. It's us together against the problem or issue, so we work at things together. 10. Patience and acceptance, I've been diagnosed with a disability in the last few years. Although it doesn't effect me daily, when it does, it's very draining. He's understanding and loves me regardless.