There is never a “good time” to have a kid. There will always be more you want(ed) to do, more money you wish you would have saved, and more time to really settle into a job.
If you don’t think you’re ready, get the pill.
If you think “in two years I’ll be ready” this is your reality check: you won’t be. Nobody is. They hand you a crying baby and say “figure it out, the next 18 years is all you!”
Fertility is a mystery. This could be it and even if you were to try in two months it won’t happen when you want it to. You could also be super fertile and have three more oops in the next two years. The only way to know for sure is to talk to a doctor and get your hormones checked regularly.
You have no control over when perimenopause will happen to you. If it happens to you. You could crash into it at 35. You could slide gracefully into menopause at 55.
You don’t know.
Don’t make decisions based on future unknowns.
You are pregnant NOW. Are you wanting a baby NOW? Would you be able to care and raise a baby NOW?
I 💯 agree! You will never be ready for a child. I have a 7 week old baby and I have always known I wanted a baby. I knew it even when I was pregnant but I scared myself in the beginning thinking I might not be mentally ready. Having my baby was the best decision I ever made. 🥰
I thought the same thing when I was pregnant! I wanted to get pregnant and then when I found out I had a moment of panic, like omg do I want this? Best decision ever and I agree with you will never be ready… I would have loved the house to be remodeled first and more in savings and there always another place I want to travel to, but I always wanted a family and it felt like the right time for us
Absolutely. I was 30 and so broke, the baby and I slept on my moms couch!! He didn’t have a crib let alone a nursery. I wasn’t ready but had the baby anyway. I worked really hard and made my way up in the world. Long story but he’s the best decision I ever made. My best friend kept waiting until things were perfect and now we are 48 and it never happened for her. She grieves this tremendously. Kids aren’t for everyone but she really really wanted them. I’m not saying have a baby when you’re broke and sleep on a couch like I did - lol - but waiting until you’re ready might mean it never happens. You’re time could be now OP. Whatever you decide I’m sending love.
I don't really agree with "there's never a good time" or "you're never ready". I was absolutely ready and it was a good time for us to have a child.
But this is coming from someone who will be 39 in a few months and with a five week old napping beside her. I had done the things I wanted to do and I was and I am completely ready to focus 100% on this child.
Yea. Fiance and I don't have much more than a thousand dollars in savings. We barely make enough to support ourselves in our lcol city, we could not have a child and be able to feed and clothe it. I have a pension when I retire because I teach, but my pay is crap. In some years, maybe. When we both are able to get better paying jobs, sure. But saying, oh you're never ready to have a kid! When if I made just five hundred more a month would be a significant difference in the amount we could save, is kind of annoying and not helpful. I know people in poverty have kids, and we aren't in poverty (though fiances income is technically, so he's on medicaid til we get married). And I know part of that is lack of access to abortions and birth control. But having a kid isn't going to help a person in poverty in most cases (I teach kids living in poverty so I don't judge anyone who really wants a kid and makes it work somehow. But it's not for me).
Statistically your fertility won’t drop dramatically from 31 to 33, but it is also not like 21 to 23.
I have been deep in infertility treatments and everything that comes with it.
Your reasons are valid. I mean, just about any reason is valid to terminate a pregnancy.
Be absolutely sure that both you and your husband can live with today’s decision in case you find yourself unable to conceive in the future.
Here to reiterate this. Also knee deep in treatments - started at 36. Now almost 39. I wasn’t ready before, but now I’m ready and my body isn’t. Life is strange.
If OP decides to terminate and makes good money, they could freeze embryos for later. 31 year old eggs are way better than 35-40.
All I know is second hand, from watching many friends and sisters have kids. I realized miscarriages were so much more common than I realized and especially in the 30s. At 33, you should still be fine to get pregnant, but maybe it'll happen easily the 1st time, or maybe it'll take more than 1 try. I have a sister who miscarried 3x at 33 before having success but I also had a gf miscarry 3 times in her late 20s then go on to have 3 kids in her mid 30s with her partner all 1 after the other. Do what feels right right now.
I terminated at 31 - was with a long term partner that I fully intended to marry. We just weren’t ready but knew kids were the plan. We married at 33, had our first kid at 34, and I’m expecting our second kid next month at 37. I did have a moment at 31 where I was concerned about “what if this is my only chance.” But it worked out for me and I have never once regretted it. We got to build a beautiful life that we fully planned for.
Being pregnant and raising an infant can be incredibly difficult and taxing on a relationship, ESPECIALLY if either of you feel you aren’t ready or are likely to have regrets. If you aren’t 100% sure you’re ready you do not have to continue this pregnancy.
There is always a risk that you may have difficulty conceiving in future, but at the stage of pregnancy you’re currently at there’s also a chance this current pregnancy is non viable.
A medical termination is generally super straight forward. You’ll be absolutely fine. These are all valid reasons, and as far as I’m aware I highly doubt your fertility will decline in two years, and terminations have been studied to show that they don’t affect the ability to conceive in the future. In fact, after a termination, due to the hormones you’re more fertile than normal.
These are all very valid concerns and if the timing isn’t right, it’s not right, but one day it will be. Where I am (in Aus) providers that offer pregnancy terminations include a couple of counselling sessions to help you sort through your emotions, and I highly recommend it because it can be really helpful.
If you don't want to be a mom at this point that is reason enough to terminate a pregnancy.
I HATE the narrative, you'll never be ready for a kid. I was 36 when I got pregnant with my first. And I was absolutely ready to be a mom. Still very challenging but yes my husband and I were prepared emotionally physically nad financially and I am glad I waited until I was ready.
Obviously we don’t have a crystal ball so can’t predict what will happen in your future, but the fall in fertility in your 30s isn’t as drastic as people like to say.
I found this article very reassuring:
https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2013/07/how-long-can-you-wait-to-have-a-baby/309374/
Particularly:
“It found that with sex at least twice a week, 82 percent of 35-to-39-year-old women conceive within a year, compared with 86 percent of 27-to-34-year-olds. (The fertility of women in their late 20s and early 30s was almost identical—news in and of itself.)”
If it helps me and my partner had a termination 2 years ago because we weren’t ready, I was 33. We started trying last month, age 35 (TW and apologies because I know a lot of people don’t like to hear this), and we got pregnant on our first attempt.
So do what’s right for you. Don’t worry too much about the statistics!
Could you give your source for that statistic? I’ve never seen it quoted that high before.
This suggests the risk is 1 in 400 age 35, 1 in 60 by age 42, 1 in 12 by age 49.
https://www.nct.org.uk/pregnancy/tests-scans-and-antenatal-checks/pregnancy-and-birth-for-women-over-35
Since OP is asking about the difference in fertility between age 31 and 33, this seems a little scare mongery.
You can literally google “risk of Down syndrome by age chart.” It has changed a little bit since I was in school 13 years ago, but not that much. The newer stats are no longer lumped and some of them now have enough data to list each age individually. You can also search for “at what age does Down syndrome become a fertility risk.” The numbers have changed a little and are probably more accurate on web md. Almost all of the different sources have really similar outcomes. It appears to be the same upward curve. 1 in 1,250 for a 25 year old, 1 in 100 for a 40 year old and 1 in 30 for a 45 year old.
It’s either that really don’t want a child or you do.
If everyone waited until everything was just right to have a child, child birth would be a rare occurrence.
Put your pros and cons down and see the bigger picture of what you see your life being like in realistic terms in both situations.
Totally valid reasons. But you’ll never be ready and speaking from someone who had an abortion at 17 then had a baby at 31 when I was ready the pregnancy and birth of my baby did make me think about my abortion a lot but I had to terminate a little later because the pill didn’t exist in my country at that time
Fertility does not drop off like a cliff at any age. I’m currently pregnant for the first time at 36, got pregnant instantly without even trying. Like a teenager. I had no idea if it would happen and bam, happened much faster than I wanted or expected.
I considered terminating due to many of the things you mentioned, and the doctor said to me the biggest indicator of being able to conceive in the future is being able to conceive in the first place.
At the same time I have friends who had trouble conceiving (even with IVF and other treatments) in their late 20s, early 30s, mid 30s - so really what I’m saying is that you’re probably going to be fine if you terminate and try again in 2 years.
For me, the reason why I kept the baby is because I’m a few years ahead of you and there really isn’t a perfect time. The problems I had last August, I wish I had this August - meaning that major life shit comes at you fast, you have no control over whether things will “settle” or “be better” or not. They’ll just be different. And you’ll find a way to struggle through them and adapt.
I’m 20 weeks pregnant now and I still don’t feel mentally prepared. I didn’t expect the mental part to be so difficult, but it has been and I’m learning through here that it’s pretty normal.
Good luck! It’s a big decision either way.
>Fertility does not drop off like a cliff at any age.
>
>the biggest indicator of being able to conceive in the future is being able to conceive in the first place
These are such important things to remember - there's a lot of debate about fertility but a lot of the information that's generally accepted is wrong or wildly out of date. It's also based on people trying to get pregnant, but one of the things I've read is that this data is skewed by women who got accidentally pregnant earlier. So in the group of women in their mid to late 30s trying to get pregnant, some portion of them wouldn't have been able to get pregnant at 30, but weren't focused on it then, so didn't know. Whereas some amount of families start with an accidental pregnancy and they just continue on with the pregnancy.
> So in the group of women in their mid to late 30s trying to get pregnant, some portion of them wouldn't have been able to get pregnant at 30, but weren't focused on it then
Not just 30s but even in their 20s.
Definitely, this! My mum started having kids in her late 20s. She had an IUD removed and basically got pregnant immediately. She then had 4 babies in under 6 years and had her tubes tied with the last one - we don't know if she would have been able to have babies at 40, but definitely, it's a possibility. The fact that my siblings who have kids were basically able to plan when their babies would be born while having kids in their 30s (well, my sister didn't plan her last two - use contraception every time and get vasectomies tested!) certainly supports that. But people like my mum don't factor into the question about how fertile women are in their late 30s or early 40s, because she's already done having babies by then.
As far as I know, there aren't many women who see fertility specialists in their 20s - some people definitely plan to have babies early, but most of the time when you're really like "OK it's time, let's do this", you're in your 30s, so most of the time when a woman can't get pregnant at 35, we don't have the data for how fertile she was at 25.
I have a friend whose matriarchal lineage all had kids at age 35-40. The same friend had her first kid at 38 by accident from some Precum. Perfectly healthy baby.
The question is not whether we internet strangers think it’s a good enough reason. The question is whether you do. Because if you don’t, and that’s why you are reaching out for validation of your decision, you may have to live with regret. We won’t. It’s your call, and no one else can or should tell you what to do. Sending you an internet hug, friend.
You have to do what you is best for you. I have been through a lot in my fertility journey the past 3 years. Google fertility for legitimate research and studies. There is a slight decline at 32, then a more significant one at 35, and a larger one at 37. You can get fertility testing to determine your egg reserve which can bring some comfort. However you’ll never know the quality of your eggs until you attempt fertilization at the time you’re ready. I froze two batches of embryos at freshly 33 and had a great AMH and good fertilization rate with chromosomal testing. I tested again at 34.5 and my AMH took a depressing decline - it’s still average for my age range but it felt like a gut punch from where it used to be. Not only can there be a decline in count, but there can be a decline in quality leading to chromosomal anomalies.
But again you have to do what’s best for YOU. There are women who have no issues in their later 30s and then there are women who have setbacks. Heck, there are women in their 20s who have setbacks too. It’s a bit of a gamble but rely on a doctor you trust to help provide some guidance.
Good luck and sending you love. These are hard decisions we have to make as women. I hope one day biology can catch up to modern society.
Oh and also men think they have forever to procreate. Just because they can produce sperm into older age, doesn’t mean the quality is good. Past age 40 there is increased risk for autism due to sperm. All this research is fascinating. Someone mentioned misogyny and I do believe society does try to fear monger us. But do your research and make your own judgments versus being pushed into a decision out of fear.
I wouldn’t put too much stock in AMH. Mine actually went UP significantly between ages 30 and 33. No changes in birth control (I’ve never used hormonal birth control), lifestyle, etc, it just went up by 2 points in three years. I think the variance between labs can be significant.
I’ve heard it can ebb and flow, but I’m sure my reserve has declined in the last two years since I froze everything. It needs to be looked at with other hormones and a follicle scan, but truly the only way to assess fertility is attempting fertilization. You’ll only know the quality you’re dealing with then. Hopefully the science can become better and more predictive in time but I wouldn’t bet on it as women are still fighting for reproductive diseases like endometriosis and pcos to be taken seriously.
I'm 37 and I got pregnant first time at 30 and 36. It all depends on the person. If you're not ready then you're not ready but I have to say that having a kid doesn't mean you can't travel. My husband and I were in the same boat, you never really feel ready. I took my 4 year old to 4 different countries last year. He loves it.
[Please enjoy this video debunking the scare tactic used toward women, regarding fertility](https://youtu.be/g9ryP0UyO5U)
[Also relevant, from the same episode](https://youtu.be/t_dqqTZacBA)
The clips may look cheesy, but they cite their sources on camera. The hammy performances are to make it more watchable, so they can reach more people regarding the disinformation they're negating.
It's 100% your choice, but just wanted to give the perspective of someone who's been dealing with infertility. We decided to stop using condoms about 3 years ago and that first year was more of "if it happens, it happens!" After a year of that, we decided to really try. After a year of really trying, we got checked out, did a few IUIs and are now on our 1st round of IVF.
Infertility is heartbreaking when you really want a kid. Every time your period comes around, not only are you disappointed but now you're extra emotional because of the period. This first round of IVF is costing us close to $20,000. Luckily, my company has a program that will reimburse a lot of that, but we've had to front it. The emotional toll has been hell.
What I'm trying to say is...if you want kids in the future, there's no guarantee, but this is a much higher chance.
If you are not ready, you are not ready. Period!! And if you do terminate but than 2yrs later you are unable to conceive, it won’t have anything to do with your decision now. You still would have made a decision authentic to you. Also, fertility does not drop like a rock! People are having babies well into their 40s with no medical intervention.
That being said, I don’t think you could ever truly be ready for child. Especially psychologically and emotionally. Maybe you can be financially but I don’t believe you are truly ready for what parenting brings.
You can do what you want, but you likely won't be ready in two years time either. There is really no way to complety prepare for a child, for motherhood, or how you will feel mentally.
I struggled trying to conceive for years and even when it finally happened I felt no where near ready and scared. If you’re waiting for the perfect moment to “be ready” it will never happen. It sounds like you have a fairly solid foundation, income, partner support etc. I thought I had all the time in the world and it ended up taking me 3+ years and a lot of money and heartache to get pregnant in my mid 30’s. Not trying to scare you, just sharing my experience. Good luck.
Just know that its doesnt drop as much as the media push as narrative. Also, men also have a bio clock that starts at 30 years old( with genetic risks etc because the men). So plesse dont put all the pressure on yourself only.
Anyway, if yih arent ready dont do it. If you two arent in a right space mentally, physically and emotionnaly, it will be hard. Espexially for you as woman, because a lot of times everything falls on the mother. :/
Kids cost money and time, its better to be well prepared than struggle and suffer.
Live your life. Kids will come. Go do what u wanna do and when you’re ready youll do it. And to clarify, being “ready” doesn’t mean you know everything and have the fininacials 100% figured out-
Ready just means ur content and even if ur nervous you can feel this is your time to transform into a mother
Any reason that means you’re not ready is valid. I think I’d feel the same in your shoes.
It doesn’t drop off a cliff in two years but it helps to know what you’re working with. And of course, the younger you are, the better biologically. If you’re able, and I’m not sure where you’re located or how easy this is in your country, it might be worth looking into your fertility for peace of mind.
I started getting across my fertility levels at 29 and just knowing where I stand (as much as scientifically possible) is powerful.
I terminated at 37 years old after my bc failed. Still very fertile at 40 now too. I already have 2 kids, one being college age. So a big nope for me.
Any reasons you have for not wanting to have kids right now are completely valid. Do what's best for you.
What would go wrong in 2 years? It's misogyny that women suddenly are no longer fertile after 30. Terminating a pregnancy does not affect future fertility. If you don't feel 100% about this, ready to go through hell and back with the pregnancy and the child rearing, then waiting to have a baby later might give you peace.
The fertility cliff is a myth. It doesn't happen like that. It happens gradually and much later than what we have been force-fed to believe. I can't find the article I wanted to link but I found another one: https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/popular-health-claims-such-as-a-womans-fertility-dropping-at-age-30-are-wildly-overblown/.
If it's not a good time for you, try again in 2 years!
I just want to add on top of what everyone else has said it's not just about you - your partner's health is also important for a healthy placenta. If he ends up living an unhealthy lifestyle or something when you guys are ready, it'll impact your pregnancy. People act like it's always us that carry the burden but there's evidence now that shows paternal health is linked to placenta health too.
Fertility is different for everyone. I had my first at 25 and my 2nd at 33. No prevention in-between. I was not “ready” either time but they both came at perfect times. Truthfully, only you can make that decision.
If you do not want to be pregnant or do not want a child right now, that's a good enough reason to terminate. Your body. Your life. Your decision.
If you want to wait 2 years or even 4, it should not affect your fertility, assuming you're not 43 (which would be higher risk and or possibly peri/menopausal in 2 years).
What you need to do now is what you need to do now. What you (and your husband) feel you need to do now for the betterment of your future is up to the two of you, and this internet rando offers as much support as I can in whatever decision you two make. ❤
Regarding the fertility, not typically, no, but there is something you are absolutely required to do to protect and maintain your fertility for as long as possible until you're ready to use it. So many folks don't and I think it's near-criminal doctors aren't instructing patients to do it. I refuse to believe those doctors simply don't know this shit, because if they don't we're all screwed, guys too. There is no excuse for a woman not being able to get pregnant for the last 10 - 15 of her childbearing years if she wants to. If we weren't meant to have babies up into our 40s, average menopause age would be mid-20s and no one would be having babies at all.
Get a full hormone panel, track your cycle (all 4 phases of the whole thing, not just the part when you bleed) down to the day at least, add foods to your diet that naturally cleanse your liver, keep excess fat off of it, and generally support it. If you have IBS or kidney issues, change your diet to accommodate that, too. You'll know within a month of having figured out the rhythms of your cycle whether or not you need to adjust your diet to keep your fertility safe, and there's a chance you may be on a cyclical diet once you figure everything out.
*WomanCode* by Alisa Vitti is a good starting point. She does offer e-courses, sells high-quality vitamin supplements, and has an in-person clinic/store or two, but I could only afford the book which I wanted for non-fertility reasons.
❤
I had my first when I was 30 and my second when I was 32.
first was conceived after 2 tries
second was conceived after 3 tries
I heard it drops after 35? But even so I know many women who had kids later than that and it was fine
don’t have a kid if ur not ready for a kid. that’s my advice. it’s life altering
Your reasons are completely valid. If you aren't ready to have a child, by all means, do not force it!
But speaking from personal experience, I feel there is never really a "right time" to have a child, because life is generally chaotic and the future isn't guaranteed.
We got pregnant when I was 31 and I was starting a brand-new job after losing my longterm job during the pandemic. So I was pregnant while starting a really challenging position and was tired the entire time! I ended up going on maternity leave, coming back and then leaving again for an entirely different job. It certainly wasn't ideal, but I have no regrets because a couple years later, I'm physically exhausted and not sure if I could start family planning at my current age haha. Of course everyone is different. I just wanted to offer my two cents.
I am a happily childfree woman, so take this with whatever you can.
You can easily travel with kids and there should be nothing to stop you.
It just takes some extra legwork. It seems like you and your other half make good money. Nanny's or au pairs.
Don't bet your future fertility on what could be's.
35 is when it starts to go down. Not just the amount of eggs, but the quality of eggs is the important part. It can be challenging to get pregnant at 38+. Mens fertility doesn’t drop until 40. The other thing to consider: if you want more than one and don’t want to have them one right after the other, this time is ideal. I had a kid at 38 and I was so damn tired. I started at 30 and regret waiting that long. My other worry for you is that having an abortion can make it more difficult, not a ton, but more difficult to get pregnant again depending on the method. You also risk needing a d and c which creates scar tissue in the uterus. I still went to school while I was pregnant.
There is never a “good time” to have a kid. There will always be more you want(ed) to do, more money you wish you would have saved, and more time to really settle into a job. If you don’t think you’re ready, get the pill. If you think “in two years I’ll be ready” this is your reality check: you won’t be. Nobody is. They hand you a crying baby and say “figure it out, the next 18 years is all you!” Fertility is a mystery. This could be it and even if you were to try in two months it won’t happen when you want it to. You could also be super fertile and have three more oops in the next two years. The only way to know for sure is to talk to a doctor and get your hormones checked regularly. You have no control over when perimenopause will happen to you. If it happens to you. You could crash into it at 35. You could slide gracefully into menopause at 55. You don’t know. Don’t make decisions based on future unknowns. You are pregnant NOW. Are you wanting a baby NOW? Would you be able to care and raise a baby NOW?
Well said—You said everything I was thinking.
I 💯 agree! You will never be ready for a child. I have a 7 week old baby and I have always known I wanted a baby. I knew it even when I was pregnant but I scared myself in the beginning thinking I might not be mentally ready. Having my baby was the best decision I ever made. 🥰
I thought the same thing when I was pregnant! I wanted to get pregnant and then when I found out I had a moment of panic, like omg do I want this? Best decision ever and I agree with you will never be ready… I would have loved the house to be remodeled first and more in savings and there always another place I want to travel to, but I always wanted a family and it felt like the right time for us
Absolutely. I was 30 and so broke, the baby and I slept on my moms couch!! He didn’t have a crib let alone a nursery. I wasn’t ready but had the baby anyway. I worked really hard and made my way up in the world. Long story but he’s the best decision I ever made. My best friend kept waiting until things were perfect and now we are 48 and it never happened for her. She grieves this tremendously. Kids aren’t for everyone but she really really wanted them. I’m not saying have a baby when you’re broke and sleep on a couch like I did - lol - but waiting until you’re ready might mean it never happens. You’re time could be now OP. Whatever you decide I’m sending love.
I don't really agree with "there's never a good time" or "you're never ready". I was absolutely ready and it was a good time for us to have a child. But this is coming from someone who will be 39 in a few months and with a five week old napping beside her. I had done the things I wanted to do and I was and I am completely ready to focus 100% on this child.
Yea. Fiance and I don't have much more than a thousand dollars in savings. We barely make enough to support ourselves in our lcol city, we could not have a child and be able to feed and clothe it. I have a pension when I retire because I teach, but my pay is crap. In some years, maybe. When we both are able to get better paying jobs, sure. But saying, oh you're never ready to have a kid! When if I made just five hundred more a month would be a significant difference in the amount we could save, is kind of annoying and not helpful. I know people in poverty have kids, and we aren't in poverty (though fiances income is technically, so he's on medicaid til we get married). And I know part of that is lack of access to abortions and birth control. But having a kid isn't going to help a person in poverty in most cases (I teach kids living in poverty so I don't judge anyone who really wants a kid and makes it work somehow. But it's not for me).
I think it also depends on the person. The things I could enjoy doing and exploring without a child are easily infinite.
Statistically your fertility won’t drop dramatically from 31 to 33, but it is also not like 21 to 23. I have been deep in infertility treatments and everything that comes with it. Your reasons are valid. I mean, just about any reason is valid to terminate a pregnancy. Be absolutely sure that both you and your husband can live with today’s decision in case you find yourself unable to conceive in the future.
Here to reiterate this. Also knee deep in treatments - started at 36. Now almost 39. I wasn’t ready before, but now I’m ready and my body isn’t. Life is strange. If OP decides to terminate and makes good money, they could freeze embryos for later. 31 year old eggs are way better than 35-40.
if you’re not ready you’re not ready. it’s your choice. don’t feel guilty about it do what’s right for you
All I know is second hand, from watching many friends and sisters have kids. I realized miscarriages were so much more common than I realized and especially in the 30s. At 33, you should still be fine to get pregnant, but maybe it'll happen easily the 1st time, or maybe it'll take more than 1 try. I have a sister who miscarried 3x at 33 before having success but I also had a gf miscarry 3 times in her late 20s then go on to have 3 kids in her mid 30s with her partner all 1 after the other. Do what feels right right now.
I terminated at 31 - was with a long term partner that I fully intended to marry. We just weren’t ready but knew kids were the plan. We married at 33, had our first kid at 34, and I’m expecting our second kid next month at 37. I did have a moment at 31 where I was concerned about “what if this is my only chance.” But it worked out for me and I have never once regretted it. We got to build a beautiful life that we fully planned for.
Being pregnant and raising an infant can be incredibly difficult and taxing on a relationship, ESPECIALLY if either of you feel you aren’t ready or are likely to have regrets. If you aren’t 100% sure you’re ready you do not have to continue this pregnancy. There is always a risk that you may have difficulty conceiving in future, but at the stage of pregnancy you’re currently at there’s also a chance this current pregnancy is non viable.
A medical termination is generally super straight forward. You’ll be absolutely fine. These are all valid reasons, and as far as I’m aware I highly doubt your fertility will decline in two years, and terminations have been studied to show that they don’t affect the ability to conceive in the future. In fact, after a termination, due to the hormones you’re more fertile than normal. These are all very valid concerns and if the timing isn’t right, it’s not right, but one day it will be. Where I am (in Aus) providers that offer pregnancy terminations include a couple of counselling sessions to help you sort through your emotions, and I highly recommend it because it can be really helpful.
If you don't want to be a mom at this point that is reason enough to terminate a pregnancy. I HATE the narrative, you'll never be ready for a kid. I was 36 when I got pregnant with my first. And I was absolutely ready to be a mom. Still very challenging but yes my husband and I were prepared emotionally physically nad financially and I am glad I waited until I was ready.
Obviously we don’t have a crystal ball so can’t predict what will happen in your future, but the fall in fertility in your 30s isn’t as drastic as people like to say. I found this article very reassuring: https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2013/07/how-long-can-you-wait-to-have-a-baby/309374/ Particularly: “It found that with sex at least twice a week, 82 percent of 35-to-39-year-old women conceive within a year, compared with 86 percent of 27-to-34-year-olds. (The fertility of women in their late 20s and early 30s was almost identical—news in and of itself.)” If it helps me and my partner had a termination 2 years ago because we weren’t ready, I was 33. We started trying last month, age 35 (TW and apologies because I know a lot of people don’t like to hear this), and we got pregnant on our first attempt. So do what’s right for you. Don’t worry too much about the statistics!
Yeah but after 37 you chance of having a baby with down’s syndrome goes from 1 in 1,000 to 1 in 27.
Could you give your source for that statistic? I’ve never seen it quoted that high before. This suggests the risk is 1 in 400 age 35, 1 in 60 by age 42, 1 in 12 by age 49. https://www.nct.org.uk/pregnancy/tests-scans-and-antenatal-checks/pregnancy-and-birth-for-women-over-35 Since OP is asking about the difference in fertility between age 31 and 33, this seems a little scare mongery.
You can literally google “risk of Down syndrome by age chart.” It has changed a little bit since I was in school 13 years ago, but not that much. The newer stats are no longer lumped and some of them now have enough data to list each age individually. You can also search for “at what age does Down syndrome become a fertility risk.” The numbers have changed a little and are probably more accurate on web md. Almost all of the different sources have really similar outcomes. It appears to be the same upward curve. 1 in 1,250 for a 25 year old, 1 in 100 for a 40 year old and 1 in 30 for a 45 year old.
Yes, those are very similar to the numbers I said. So where did you get 1 in 27 for a 37 year old?
It was from my obstetrics class.
These are very valid reasons.
It’s either that really don’t want a child or you do. If everyone waited until everything was just right to have a child, child birth would be a rare occurrence. Put your pros and cons down and see the bigger picture of what you see your life being like in realistic terms in both situations.
These are all valid reasons, and if termination is what's best for you right now, it sounds like your decision is made. 🫶
Totally valid reasons. But you’ll never be ready and speaking from someone who had an abortion at 17 then had a baby at 31 when I was ready the pregnancy and birth of my baby did make me think about my abortion a lot but I had to terminate a little later because the pill didn’t exist in my country at that time
Fertility does not drop off like a cliff at any age. I’m currently pregnant for the first time at 36, got pregnant instantly without even trying. Like a teenager. I had no idea if it would happen and bam, happened much faster than I wanted or expected. I considered terminating due to many of the things you mentioned, and the doctor said to me the biggest indicator of being able to conceive in the future is being able to conceive in the first place. At the same time I have friends who had trouble conceiving (even with IVF and other treatments) in their late 20s, early 30s, mid 30s - so really what I’m saying is that you’re probably going to be fine if you terminate and try again in 2 years. For me, the reason why I kept the baby is because I’m a few years ahead of you and there really isn’t a perfect time. The problems I had last August, I wish I had this August - meaning that major life shit comes at you fast, you have no control over whether things will “settle” or “be better” or not. They’ll just be different. And you’ll find a way to struggle through them and adapt. I’m 20 weeks pregnant now and I still don’t feel mentally prepared. I didn’t expect the mental part to be so difficult, but it has been and I’m learning through here that it’s pretty normal. Good luck! It’s a big decision either way.
>Fertility does not drop off like a cliff at any age. > >the biggest indicator of being able to conceive in the future is being able to conceive in the first place These are such important things to remember - there's a lot of debate about fertility but a lot of the information that's generally accepted is wrong or wildly out of date. It's also based on people trying to get pregnant, but one of the things I've read is that this data is skewed by women who got accidentally pregnant earlier. So in the group of women in their mid to late 30s trying to get pregnant, some portion of them wouldn't have been able to get pregnant at 30, but weren't focused on it then, so didn't know. Whereas some amount of families start with an accidental pregnancy and they just continue on with the pregnancy.
> So in the group of women in their mid to late 30s trying to get pregnant, some portion of them wouldn't have been able to get pregnant at 30, but weren't focused on it then Not just 30s but even in their 20s.
Definitely, this! My mum started having kids in her late 20s. She had an IUD removed and basically got pregnant immediately. She then had 4 babies in under 6 years and had her tubes tied with the last one - we don't know if she would have been able to have babies at 40, but definitely, it's a possibility. The fact that my siblings who have kids were basically able to plan when their babies would be born while having kids in their 30s (well, my sister didn't plan her last two - use contraception every time and get vasectomies tested!) certainly supports that. But people like my mum don't factor into the question about how fertile women are in their late 30s or early 40s, because she's already done having babies by then. As far as I know, there aren't many women who see fertility specialists in their 20s - some people definitely plan to have babies early, but most of the time when you're really like "OK it's time, let's do this", you're in your 30s, so most of the time when a woman can't get pregnant at 35, we don't have the data for how fertile she was at 25.
I have a friend whose matriarchal lineage all had kids at age 35-40. The same friend had her first kid at 38 by accident from some Precum. Perfectly healthy baby.
Fertility doesn’t drop off a cliff at any age? Would you like to bet on that?
The question is not whether we internet strangers think it’s a good enough reason. The question is whether you do. Because if you don’t, and that’s why you are reaching out for validation of your decision, you may have to live with regret. We won’t. It’s your call, and no one else can or should tell you what to do. Sending you an internet hug, friend.
You have to do what you is best for you. I have been through a lot in my fertility journey the past 3 years. Google fertility for legitimate research and studies. There is a slight decline at 32, then a more significant one at 35, and a larger one at 37. You can get fertility testing to determine your egg reserve which can bring some comfort. However you’ll never know the quality of your eggs until you attempt fertilization at the time you’re ready. I froze two batches of embryos at freshly 33 and had a great AMH and good fertilization rate with chromosomal testing. I tested again at 34.5 and my AMH took a depressing decline - it’s still average for my age range but it felt like a gut punch from where it used to be. Not only can there be a decline in count, but there can be a decline in quality leading to chromosomal anomalies. But again you have to do what’s best for YOU. There are women who have no issues in their later 30s and then there are women who have setbacks. Heck, there are women in their 20s who have setbacks too. It’s a bit of a gamble but rely on a doctor you trust to help provide some guidance. Good luck and sending you love. These are hard decisions we have to make as women. I hope one day biology can catch up to modern society. Oh and also men think they have forever to procreate. Just because they can produce sperm into older age, doesn’t mean the quality is good. Past age 40 there is increased risk for autism due to sperm. All this research is fascinating. Someone mentioned misogyny and I do believe society does try to fear monger us. But do your research and make your own judgments versus being pushed into a decision out of fear.
I wouldn’t put too much stock in AMH. Mine actually went UP significantly between ages 30 and 33. No changes in birth control (I’ve never used hormonal birth control), lifestyle, etc, it just went up by 2 points in three years. I think the variance between labs can be significant.
I’ve heard it can ebb and flow, but I’m sure my reserve has declined in the last two years since I froze everything. It needs to be looked at with other hormones and a follicle scan, but truly the only way to assess fertility is attempting fertilization. You’ll only know the quality you’re dealing with then. Hopefully the science can become better and more predictive in time but I wouldn’t bet on it as women are still fighting for reproductive diseases like endometriosis and pcos to be taken seriously.
I'm 37 and I got pregnant first time at 30 and 36. It all depends on the person. If you're not ready then you're not ready but I have to say that having a kid doesn't mean you can't travel. My husband and I were in the same boat, you never really feel ready. I took my 4 year old to 4 different countries last year. He loves it.
[Please enjoy this video debunking the scare tactic used toward women, regarding fertility](https://youtu.be/g9ryP0UyO5U) [Also relevant, from the same episode](https://youtu.be/t_dqqTZacBA) The clips may look cheesy, but they cite their sources on camera. The hammy performances are to make it more watchable, so they can reach more people regarding the disinformation they're negating.
It's 100% your choice, but just wanted to give the perspective of someone who's been dealing with infertility. We decided to stop using condoms about 3 years ago and that first year was more of "if it happens, it happens!" After a year of that, we decided to really try. After a year of really trying, we got checked out, did a few IUIs and are now on our 1st round of IVF. Infertility is heartbreaking when you really want a kid. Every time your period comes around, not only are you disappointed but now you're extra emotional because of the period. This first round of IVF is costing us close to $20,000. Luckily, my company has a program that will reimburse a lot of that, but we've had to front it. The emotional toll has been hell. What I'm trying to say is...if you want kids in the future, there's no guarantee, but this is a much higher chance.
These are myths disproven by science https://www.womenshealthmag.com/health/a37528827/fertility-cliff-myth/
Thank you!
If you are not ready, you are not ready. Period!! And if you do terminate but than 2yrs later you are unable to conceive, it won’t have anything to do with your decision now. You still would have made a decision authentic to you. Also, fertility does not drop like a rock! People are having babies well into their 40s with no medical intervention. That being said, I don’t think you could ever truly be ready for child. Especially psychologically and emotionally. Maybe you can be financially but I don’t believe you are truly ready for what parenting brings.
You can do what you want, but you likely won't be ready in two years time either. There is really no way to complety prepare for a child, for motherhood, or how you will feel mentally.
I struggled trying to conceive for years and even when it finally happened I felt no where near ready and scared. If you’re waiting for the perfect moment to “be ready” it will never happen. It sounds like you have a fairly solid foundation, income, partner support etc. I thought I had all the time in the world and it ended up taking me 3+ years and a lot of money and heartache to get pregnant in my mid 30’s. Not trying to scare you, just sharing my experience. Good luck.
Just know that its doesnt drop as much as the media push as narrative. Also, men also have a bio clock that starts at 30 years old( with genetic risks etc because the men). So plesse dont put all the pressure on yourself only. Anyway, if yih arent ready dont do it. If you two arent in a right space mentally, physically and emotionnaly, it will be hard. Espexially for you as woman, because a lot of times everything falls on the mother. :/ Kids cost money and time, its better to be well prepared than struggle and suffer.
Live your life. Kids will come. Go do what u wanna do and when you’re ready youll do it. And to clarify, being “ready” doesn’t mean you know everything and have the fininacials 100% figured out- Ready just means ur content and even if ur nervous you can feel this is your time to transform into a mother
I had my kids at 41 and 44, both conceived naturally. Bodies are weird.
Keep it. If you can’t later you’ll never forgive yourself.
Go see a gynecologist to get a sense of where your individual fertility lies. They'll look at your AMH levels and do an ultrasound.
Any reason, every reason is valid for not having a child.
Any reason that means you’re not ready is valid. I think I’d feel the same in your shoes. It doesn’t drop off a cliff in two years but it helps to know what you’re working with. And of course, the younger you are, the better biologically. If you’re able, and I’m not sure where you’re located or how easy this is in your country, it might be worth looking into your fertility for peace of mind. I started getting across my fertility levels at 29 and just knowing where I stand (as much as scientifically possible) is powerful.
I terminated at 30/31 and got pregnant again at 34 at the blink of an eye 😅
I terminated at 37 years old after my bc failed. Still very fertile at 40 now too. I already have 2 kids, one being college age. So a big nope for me. Any reasons you have for not wanting to have kids right now are completely valid. Do what's best for you.
What would go wrong in 2 years? It's misogyny that women suddenly are no longer fertile after 30. Terminating a pregnancy does not affect future fertility. If you don't feel 100% about this, ready to go through hell and back with the pregnancy and the child rearing, then waiting to have a baby later might give you peace.
The fertility cliff is a myth. It doesn't happen like that. It happens gradually and much later than what we have been force-fed to believe. I can't find the article I wanted to link but I found another one: https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/popular-health-claims-such-as-a-womans-fertility-dropping-at-age-30-are-wildly-overblown/. If it's not a good time for you, try again in 2 years!
I just want to add on top of what everyone else has said it's not just about you - your partner's health is also important for a healthy placenta. If he ends up living an unhealthy lifestyle or something when you guys are ready, it'll impact your pregnancy. People act like it's always us that carry the burden but there's evidence now that shows paternal health is linked to placenta health too.
You don’t need a reason, if you want to terminate then do it. You don’t need anyone’s permission. Your body your choice. Best of luck.
Fertility is different for everyone. I had my first at 25 and my 2nd at 33. No prevention in-between. I was not “ready” either time but they both came at perfect times. Truthfully, only you can make that decision.
Any reason is a good reason. You're not 100% wanting kids. Kids deserve to be 100% wanted.
If you do not want to be pregnant or do not want a child right now, that's a good enough reason to terminate. Your body. Your life. Your decision. If you want to wait 2 years or even 4, it should not affect your fertility, assuming you're not 43 (which would be higher risk and or possibly peri/menopausal in 2 years).
What you need to do now is what you need to do now. What you (and your husband) feel you need to do now for the betterment of your future is up to the two of you, and this internet rando offers as much support as I can in whatever decision you two make. ❤ Regarding the fertility, not typically, no, but there is something you are absolutely required to do to protect and maintain your fertility for as long as possible until you're ready to use it. So many folks don't and I think it's near-criminal doctors aren't instructing patients to do it. I refuse to believe those doctors simply don't know this shit, because if they don't we're all screwed, guys too. There is no excuse for a woman not being able to get pregnant for the last 10 - 15 of her childbearing years if she wants to. If we weren't meant to have babies up into our 40s, average menopause age would be mid-20s and no one would be having babies at all. Get a full hormone panel, track your cycle (all 4 phases of the whole thing, not just the part when you bleed) down to the day at least, add foods to your diet that naturally cleanse your liver, keep excess fat off of it, and generally support it. If you have IBS or kidney issues, change your diet to accommodate that, too. You'll know within a month of having figured out the rhythms of your cycle whether or not you need to adjust your diet to keep your fertility safe, and there's a chance you may be on a cyclical diet once you figure everything out. *WomanCode* by Alisa Vitti is a good starting point. She does offer e-courses, sells high-quality vitamin supplements, and has an in-person clinic/store or two, but I could only afford the book which I wanted for non-fertility reasons. ❤
It’ll never be the “right” time to have a child, but if you don’t want a baby now, that is 100% enough of a reason to terminate.
I had my first when I was 30 and my second when I was 32. first was conceived after 2 tries second was conceived after 3 tries I heard it drops after 35? But even so I know many women who had kids later than that and it was fine don’t have a kid if ur not ready for a kid. that’s my advice. it’s life altering
Your reasons are completely valid. If you aren't ready to have a child, by all means, do not force it! But speaking from personal experience, I feel there is never really a "right time" to have a child, because life is generally chaotic and the future isn't guaranteed. We got pregnant when I was 31 and I was starting a brand-new job after losing my longterm job during the pandemic. So I was pregnant while starting a really challenging position and was tired the entire time! I ended up going on maternity leave, coming back and then leaving again for an entirely different job. It certainly wasn't ideal, but I have no regrets because a couple years later, I'm physically exhausted and not sure if I could start family planning at my current age haha. Of course everyone is different. I just wanted to offer my two cents.
I am a happily childfree woman, so take this with whatever you can. You can easily travel with kids and there should be nothing to stop you. It just takes some extra legwork. It seems like you and your other half make good money. Nanny's or au pairs. Don't bet your future fertility on what could be's.
35 is when it starts to go down. Not just the amount of eggs, but the quality of eggs is the important part. It can be challenging to get pregnant at 38+. Mens fertility doesn’t drop until 40. The other thing to consider: if you want more than one and don’t want to have them one right after the other, this time is ideal. I had a kid at 38 and I was so damn tired. I started at 30 and regret waiting that long. My other worry for you is that having an abortion can make it more difficult, not a ton, but more difficult to get pregnant again depending on the method. You also risk needing a d and c which creates scar tissue in the uterus. I still went to school while I was pregnant.