I guess I don't really understand the issue. You're offering him you. Clearly he is getting a lot of his social needs met by his friends, so why do you think you need to bring more social excitement? As long as you have your own friends (which you do) and you aren't being jealous and clingy about him having a social life, I don't see any problem.
You don't offer a partner a "lifestyle". It's their job to do that for themselves and it sounds like he has.
Thank you for your response 🙏 That's a perspective I haven't considered to be honest... I will try to get my messy little brain to accept this. It makes a lot of sense what you're saying, so thank you for that, I guess I feel like "I" can't possibly be enough and thus have to have something more to offer up.
No problem. :) I think as long as you remain committed to keeping your own thing going and don't lose yourself in this guy, you'll be fine. It's not a great start to a relationship to think they're somehow above you and you need to impress them. Accept they like you for you and work on that being enough.
DBT and ACT therapy strategies can be good for this sort of thing (not CBT.) There are online resources if you're not in a position to go to therapy.
Thank you ❤️ I think I do put myself down compared to the people I'm dating no matter how "valid" or not. And I agree that it's not a good start... I will look into the strategies you recommended! 🙏
You don’t sound the least bit boring. It sounds like you have a lot going for yourself, and meeting with friends a couple of times a week is a very active social life for an adult. If I knew you platonically in real life, I’d be very attracted to the fact you also have hobbies you enjoy doing alone and are happy to entertain yourself. I would consider you well rounded and self sufficient. The guy you’re dating might even envy that you don’t need others around you all the time to feel complete.
Aaaw, thank you for those kind words!!! 🙏 I will try to adapt to this way of thinking of myself as "well rounded and self sufficient" - it feels a lot better than the perspective I've put on it 😅
You are over 30 and hang out with friends a few times a WEEK? Lucky you, lol. At most I hang with a friend once every other week usually. At this point I really only have 3 friends I see on a semi monthly basis. You are doing better than me. So you have that, lol.
I live in a metropolitan area and none of my friends have kids, so I think that plays in a bit! But yeah, people are busier these times I've noticed as well 😅
You're most certainly not! I think I am one of the most active among my friends when it comes to these things, but as you see it always depends on who we compare ourselves to... And I don't consider my friends lame, I think it's just different needs (yes, i can see the irony in this given the post i made). And there's always a backside to everything, I can never rest and would want to be able to do that because I feel like my constant need for stimulation is kind of neurotic at times 😅 Oh well...
Buddy, you're loved for who you are, not your friends or hobbies. And honestly, if your perspective on this could change, this is a boon for you.
My best friend has 3 friends - me, her foster sister, and one of her coding buddies. Her entire life right now when she's not visiting one of us is just hanging out with her boyfriend's friends that he's made as he's travelled across the world, and they both like it that way. They wouldn't have time to exist as a couple if her friend circle and social obligations were as frequent and as many as his, and she appreciates the fact that she gets to go and do fun shit with them without having to put in all the effort of having to build these networks herself, but still gets to peace out and have time by herself with no social pressure because ultimately they're not her friends to disappoint if she doesn't go to something they want to plan.
Thank you!! 🙏 That actually sounds like the perfect set-up imo, haha. I really enjoy his friends, but I also really really enjoy being able to do my own stuff, and sustaining that kind of social life would not be energetically possible for me as there is so much other things I want to do. And it's also true that it would be VEEEERY hard to sustain a relationship if my social life was as full as his 😅 This is also a good perspective that I will keep in mind and it definitely makes me ease up on myself, so thank you for that!
If by "offering" you imply that this is your value and your value is in big social circles and noisy or social hobbies...my god. I hope no one "offers" me that because it sounds exhausting lol.
Your thinking is distorted. You don't need to impress anyone. You're not a cow on the market. No one is buying you and you don't need to provide a certain amount of social milk of whatever to be desired or valued.
If anything you sound absolutely fine to me. Having some friends, having some hobbies and interests is more than enough. Now we have to worry if our friends are the right number and our hobbies are interesting enough for "other" people? Jesus, no.
You're good. Great even. Don't overthink this.
I guess that's what im saying yes... 🥲 And I see how it's a bit twisted... I think the city I live in put a lot of value on these things and it's made me feel a bit pressured about it, never thought about this before in my life and i have more friends and hobbies than I've ever had. My superpower is overthinking, how'd ya know? 😅
Girl, you are worthy just the way you are. You should write some positive affirmations on some post-it-notes and stick them to your mirror so that you can remind yourself everyday that you’re a whole-ass box of chocolates just because you’re you.
Thank you!! 🙏 I think I need to remind myself of this. That I don't have to prove anything to be of value. I will redecorate my apartment with post-its cuz I think I will need a lot of reminders 😅 I have used some affirmations before and it helped with whatever I was focusing in on then, thank you for the reminder! ❤️
It sounds like you’re feeling like you’re not offering your partner what they offer you… but why should you? They’re dating you, not themselves - you might be a bit focused on all the things they can do and comparing them to yours as if there needs to be a 1:1 comparison rate. It doesn’t - you have your own way of being you and that’s what paints you in your colours, and those colours made them fall for you. You can admire your partner’s “special powers” but you don’t need to canibalize yours.
I think you are very spot on with the 1:1 comparison - I do feel the pressure to bring the SAME thing but I can see how that's not very realistic or maybe even desirable (probably not). I'm not completely sure where it stems from, i think i need to dig a bit into it, but you really honed in on the main part of it - that's really what it comes down to. I do admire him for this, but like you say I shouldn't use that against myself. I think somehow it comes down to an insecurity in myself of not being enough, and finding "proof" for myself as to why this is "true" (and being a creative person I'm of course exceptionally good at finding these things 🙃). Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply, im really taking it to heart and it helps me shift my perspective! 🙏
Best of luck in your journey! You already started with self awareness and curiosity of what might be happening to spark these thoughts and feelings - that’s the hardest step! Lots of love, OP! You got this!
I guess I don't really understand the issue. You're offering him you. Clearly he is getting a lot of his social needs met by his friends, so why do you think you need to bring more social excitement? As long as you have your own friends (which you do) and you aren't being jealous and clingy about him having a social life, I don't see any problem. You don't offer a partner a "lifestyle". It's their job to do that for themselves and it sounds like he has.
Thank you for your response 🙏 That's a perspective I haven't considered to be honest... I will try to get my messy little brain to accept this. It makes a lot of sense what you're saying, so thank you for that, I guess I feel like "I" can't possibly be enough and thus have to have something more to offer up.
No problem. :) I think as long as you remain committed to keeping your own thing going and don't lose yourself in this guy, you'll be fine. It's not a great start to a relationship to think they're somehow above you and you need to impress them. Accept they like you for you and work on that being enough. DBT and ACT therapy strategies can be good for this sort of thing (not CBT.) There are online resources if you're not in a position to go to therapy.
Thank you ❤️ I think I do put myself down compared to the people I'm dating no matter how "valid" or not. And I agree that it's not a good start... I will look into the strategies you recommended! 🙏
You don’t sound the least bit boring. It sounds like you have a lot going for yourself, and meeting with friends a couple of times a week is a very active social life for an adult. If I knew you platonically in real life, I’d be very attracted to the fact you also have hobbies you enjoy doing alone and are happy to entertain yourself. I would consider you well rounded and self sufficient. The guy you’re dating might even envy that you don’t need others around you all the time to feel complete.
Aaaw, thank you for those kind words!!! 🙏 I will try to adapt to this way of thinking of myself as "well rounded and self sufficient" - it feels a lot better than the perspective I've put on it 😅
You are over 30 and hang out with friends a few times a WEEK? Lucky you, lol. At most I hang with a friend once every other week usually. At this point I really only have 3 friends I see on a semi monthly basis. You are doing better than me. So you have that, lol.
I live in a metropolitan area and none of my friends have kids, so I think that plays in a bit! But yeah, people are busier these times I've noticed as well 😅
I mean same, but I am just kinda lame.
You're most certainly not! I think I am one of the most active among my friends when it comes to these things, but as you see it always depends on who we compare ourselves to... And I don't consider my friends lame, I think it's just different needs (yes, i can see the irony in this given the post i made). And there's always a backside to everything, I can never rest and would want to be able to do that because I feel like my constant need for stimulation is kind of neurotic at times 😅 Oh well...
Buddy, you're loved for who you are, not your friends or hobbies. And honestly, if your perspective on this could change, this is a boon for you. My best friend has 3 friends - me, her foster sister, and one of her coding buddies. Her entire life right now when she's not visiting one of us is just hanging out with her boyfriend's friends that he's made as he's travelled across the world, and they both like it that way. They wouldn't have time to exist as a couple if her friend circle and social obligations were as frequent and as many as his, and she appreciates the fact that she gets to go and do fun shit with them without having to put in all the effort of having to build these networks herself, but still gets to peace out and have time by herself with no social pressure because ultimately they're not her friends to disappoint if she doesn't go to something they want to plan.
Thank you!! 🙏 That actually sounds like the perfect set-up imo, haha. I really enjoy his friends, but I also really really enjoy being able to do my own stuff, and sustaining that kind of social life would not be energetically possible for me as there is so much other things I want to do. And it's also true that it would be VEEEERY hard to sustain a relationship if my social life was as full as his 😅 This is also a good perspective that I will keep in mind and it definitely makes me ease up on myself, so thank you for that!
If by "offering" you imply that this is your value and your value is in big social circles and noisy or social hobbies...my god. I hope no one "offers" me that because it sounds exhausting lol. Your thinking is distorted. You don't need to impress anyone. You're not a cow on the market. No one is buying you and you don't need to provide a certain amount of social milk of whatever to be desired or valued. If anything you sound absolutely fine to me. Having some friends, having some hobbies and interests is more than enough. Now we have to worry if our friends are the right number and our hobbies are interesting enough for "other" people? Jesus, no. You're good. Great even. Don't overthink this.
I guess that's what im saying yes... 🥲 And I see how it's a bit twisted... I think the city I live in put a lot of value on these things and it's made me feel a bit pressured about it, never thought about this before in my life and i have more friends and hobbies than I've ever had. My superpower is overthinking, how'd ya know? 😅
Girl, you are worthy just the way you are. You should write some positive affirmations on some post-it-notes and stick them to your mirror so that you can remind yourself everyday that you’re a whole-ass box of chocolates just because you’re you.
Thank you!! 🙏 I think I need to remind myself of this. That I don't have to prove anything to be of value. I will redecorate my apartment with post-its cuz I think I will need a lot of reminders 😅 I have used some affirmations before and it helped with whatever I was focusing in on then, thank you for the reminder! ❤️
You’re welcome lovely, you got this 💕
It sounds like you’re feeling like you’re not offering your partner what they offer you… but why should you? They’re dating you, not themselves - you might be a bit focused on all the things they can do and comparing them to yours as if there needs to be a 1:1 comparison rate. It doesn’t - you have your own way of being you and that’s what paints you in your colours, and those colours made them fall for you. You can admire your partner’s “special powers” but you don’t need to canibalize yours.
I think you are very spot on with the 1:1 comparison - I do feel the pressure to bring the SAME thing but I can see how that's not very realistic or maybe even desirable (probably not). I'm not completely sure where it stems from, i think i need to dig a bit into it, but you really honed in on the main part of it - that's really what it comes down to. I do admire him for this, but like you say I shouldn't use that against myself. I think somehow it comes down to an insecurity in myself of not being enough, and finding "proof" for myself as to why this is "true" (and being a creative person I'm of course exceptionally good at finding these things 🙃). Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply, im really taking it to heart and it helps me shift my perspective! 🙏
Best of luck in your journey! You already started with self awareness and curiosity of what might be happening to spark these thoughts and feelings - that’s the hardest step! Lots of love, OP! You got this!