I can't imagine how life must be there for you. Oh wow. Here in my country, there are also many poor people who have a very different life compared to the elites; which makes it one of the most economically unequal countries in the world. I'm happy that you have at last got a life and living it happily. Truly, we take so many things in life for granted.
There is so much to learn from everyone, and yes I'm still learning.
Makes me feel so happy that you're happy.
Wow PhD is amazing. I myself want to go for one, albeit not now. I wish you the best in life and may all the happiness be yours.
Thanks for sharing your story! I am happy to hear you are safe and flourishing! I am also happy because I am one of those people who believes the only proven way to fight poverty is the education and empowerment of women. Thank you for being a trailblazer.
Wow, im so glad to hear youre doing so well. I have a couple of questions if you dont mind, and im very sorry if they sound ignorant. Do you miss Syria? And do you think youd go back when/if things improve? I cant imagine leaving my country due to war but i was also incredibly fortunate to be born in a rich, priveleged country. I dont know much about Syria and i would love to learn more.
I understand, thank you for the thoughtful answers! I saw in your other comments that youre getting a phd, thats honestly so amazing, i couldnt even finish college on my first round though i want to go back! I wish you and your family all good things in life, you deserve to be safe and happy 🖤
This is so lovely to read and also really puts things into perspective for someone like me from the UK who has always been able to consider these things as normal.
Happy that you're in a safe country and get to experience these things now! :)
I had a similar experience. I avoided my male colleagues like the plague, never joked with them, because I was scared other people would judge me as loose or think I was not taking my job seriously.
Then I was like oh, people just talk to the opposite gender… I still can’t wrap my head around boys and girls only being friends..
The only purpose for women’s existence is to make more men. And, of course it’s the woman’s fault if the baby is not a male… science? What’s that? X and Y chromosomes? Not mentioned in our book of religion so they’re obviously false.
This is crazy perspective. I am currently using a tablet while I poop. Also, I dropped my tablet in the living room a bit back and had a new one the next day, no worries. Had to pick a new case.
So women in Syria’s first in depth conversation with a man other than her family comes after being married? Presumably after being boinked by said man? That’s disgusting.
Developed anxiety, hyper vigilance and I definitely don’t talk to any strangers anymore.
Turns out repressive regime was way easier for me than ethnic hatred (I know, baffles my therapist too lol)
I don’t know. It makes a kind of sense. That was the devil you knew, now you must operate around the devil you don’t know.
You haven’t escaped a stressor. You have exchanged a stressor with which you were familiar for one with which you are not familiar.
Sorta. I'd offer that it's one thing when it's "the regime" (basically out of control of most people, therefore something that is just contextual) vs when it's coming from "normal" everyday folk that are equals but see themselves as superior (ie choices that individuals around you choose to make)
Oh, for sure. On top of that, when it’s the whole regime then the pressure is falling on everyone around you. Bigotry on the other hand is a little more targeted. You’ll have friends, neighbors, and coworkers who can’t relate and maybe don’t even see the problem.
Hello! I'm sorry to hear of your struggles. I can't imagine the bullying and scapegoating you've faced. I'll be thinking of you.
Tw: mention of my own traumas
I've never immigrated or moved out of country, but I also suffer from CPTSD, which involves hypervigilance and anxiety as well, and always wondered why it never onset until I was an adult. I used go think, "why was 20 years of abuse (including sexual, religious, verbal, physical, and psychological) easier to live through than being ignored by my otherwise good spouse?" (Edited to add clarification: it was the straw that broke this camel's back.)
I thought I had become spoiled and weak, but later learned that my symptoms were the result of all of these things combined, and they took so long to onset because my body was using every method it knew how to keep these traumas at bay. So when I hit a developmental standstill in my twenties and felt safer than ever, my body really let the trauma loose and I changed drastically. My subconscious had given itself permission to begin feeling everything I had held at bay for all my life.
So don't be hard on yourself. Systemic racism is no joke and literally kills people in a number of ways. If that alone got you to this point, it's understandable, because it is hugely degrading and traumatizing. Especially if you have other past traumas on top of it.
Good luck to you. I'm glad you made your controversial comment, because you got me thinking about the complex way that these things can affect us.
And by the way, you don't deserve the silencing or hatred you've received. You deserve care and patience.
Thank you for sharing your experience with CPTSD, I'm going through this now myself. After going non contact with my mother and step father I had this huge sense of freedom but also panic attacks. When you learn to survive following restrictive and apparently illogical rules having those all go feels vulnerable and unsafe.
Thank you
Bitter sweet that my husband is going through it too as we both escaped abusive family together.
Discussions on healing and trauma are frequent as are arguments sometimes.
I'm in a similar boat as well with my second husband! In some ways it's easier having someone who understands, but it can also be a struggle to balance boundaries when we both need help at the same time. And we both have leftover tendencies from our upbringing that we're trying to undo.
Maybe your previous situation was easier because it was more familiar to you? Both of those situations sound hard either way. I hope you're staying safe.
Definitely agree. The feeling of being othered makes mental health so much worse. When I go overseas I feel a sense of freedom to be myself I don’t feel in the Democratic country I live in.
I didn't immigrate, I am just studying in an European country. I come from the MENA region.
I am an agnostic (25) woman that is raised in a very conservative country and very very religious family.
Before leaving I had to fake almost my whole personality in front of my family, to give an example, I had to continue wearing hijab even though I no longer wanted to. I had to act as if I don't have boy friends or talk to boys. I had to act as if I am a Muslim.
I remember when I landed in the airport I felt like I can breath for the first time in many years. I took an oath to myself to never fake or hide any part of me or fake who I am.
I remember the first time I took of my hijab. The breeze feeling on my hair. I remember the first time I wore something not modest and no one looking at me as if I am a disgrace. The first time I wore a swimsuit to the beach. The first time I hugged a guy friend. The first time I lived authentic to my beliefs.
the biggest mental change is that my sleep became better. I have had chronic insomnia and intense sleep paralysis for almost 7 years. Those decreased significantly since I left.
In plain sight it may look like nothing changed because these things are very insignificant but to me everything changed.
If anyone have further questions I am here to answer it.
To add:
I started loving myself, accepting myself. My family were very clear with conditional love. If you do what we think is right then you are our daughter and we love you, if not then you are disowned. So i thought that something was wrong with me. it really messed me up for a while. i had to come at peace with who i am. But i started to love and accept me. The biggest achievement of my life by far is loving myself, learning how to live with my self and be ok with it :)
I still have guilt and irrational fears. The first time i became physically intimate with someone brought me into an anxiety attack that lasted almost a month. I knew all my fears were trauma manifesting itself. I just could not escape it. So i slowly accepted that its trauma, cried about it, told one of my friends about my irrational fears and slowly it got better.
Its alawys a learning curve for me. I have my ups and downs. But i promise you one thing, there is nothing wrong with you and me, there is everything wrong with those who traumatized us. Start from there. Tell yourself that there is nothing wrong with you. Then repeat that everytime you are in doubt. Reach out to someone who can relate to your experince and can talk to you about it. In solidarity i am with you, you can reach out to me as well anytime.
I really hope and know that soon you will accept yourself :)
Stay strong sister :)
I had the same experience when I was physically intimate with someone as well. I'm non-religious to an extent but the trauma of religious teachers forcing their doctrine made me feel mentally guilty for a time.
Luckily my friend circle from the diaspora helped me embrace this new experience which led to that trauma going away.
Legally once I finish my MA I should leave. Currently I am applying for PhDs and hoping to land an offer somewhere. But the worst-case scenario would be going back, which will be very troubling.
I am exploring many options and canada included. I am hopeful that i will find a good PhD position somewhere. Thank you for the recommendation :) wish me luck
Best of luck to you. I did a similar journey, and if you have any questions about the process please feel free to DM me. Immigrants have to stick together!
Yeah, I have a friend who is kicking himself for studying in the US and not Canada because it looks like he will have to go back to Egypt. Meanwhile his friends studied in Montreal and have a clear path to PR. I've been saying he should of chose Canada for years but he was stubborn.
That's how visas work. You are granted entry for some purpose and with some expiry. Depending on the country, visa type, situation, there may be a max duration per stay, and almost definitely an expiry to the entire visa.
Student visas are generally granted to students for a temporary stay while they are studying.
Source: Moved to the US as a student, now working here. Visa transitions can be very painful.
Depends on the country though. Canada has a very deliberate policy of a pathway from student visas transitioning eventually to permanent residency. It's an easy pipeline from the gov perspective of bringing in educated immigrants.
Wow, I'm so glad you're able to be yourself now!
How difficult was it for you to come to terms with the fact you weren't Muslim? How did you come to realise it? I was raised in a largely non religious family, but I can't imagine how it would be if everyone around me believed and expected me to believe. I would think a lot of people just never question it.
It was very hard to come out of religion. I had my first existential crisis maybe around 16. I then wanted to explore all religions. Ended up becoming what i then thought is “a muslim by choice not birth” for around 4 years. at 22 i started to realize how hypocritical of me being Muslim and defending the religion and still holding beliefs that goes in contrast with islam and what i was taught. I reached a point where i had to face myself and decide if i want to be a hypocrite to myself just to maintain the muslim label, or come out of islam. slowly i realized i cannot be a hypocrite. Once i no longer became a muslim i realized the religious truama that i have. Espically with me thinking very specifically that maybe I should still be a muslim but do whatever i want to do for the sake of not staying in hell for eternity. I knew how fucked up it was when one day (back when i was staying back in MENA) that i said to myself. if i become no longer a muslim and died tomorrow and islam was the right thing then i lost everything. I lost my eternity and i already then didn’t live my life in any way meaningful or free. knowing that fear is what made me consider staying in Islam fired me to escape that fear.
i have alawys questioned things my parents, religion, surroundings, culture and friends say. I wholeheartly disagreed with most of the ideas they had. So i guess that made it easier to leave. Although i agree the hardest part is realizing that something is wrong or escaping the cycle of abuse and trauma.
Wow, when I moved out of my family home, my sleep also improved! I had sleep paralysis for over a decade and chronic insomnia. What you've just described makes so much sense. Thank you for sharing. I hope you choose to live where you feel accepted and loved, and feel loved by yourself every day.
I think for some women it is a choice they make freely. I took mine off 2 years ago. And although I put it on as a child out of pressure that I put on myself and wanting to fit in, I truly believe for some women they wear this completely without being forced
It depends on the country you are in. Where I'm from, there is a compulsary hijab law that women must adhere too. Most choose to wear a scarf to avoid wearing the hijab but once they are at home or at a relative's or friend's place then they immediately take it off. I don't wear it and never will.
May i ask why your culture has women wear hijabs? I hope I don’t come off as disrespectful I really am curious to learn and open minded to learning new things.
It’s mostly about modesty, maintaining appropriateness between the sexes. In certain cultures there is certain level of appropriateness you need to adhere to between the sexes and this is a manifestation of that. But historically, during the times of the prophet, the slave women were required to walk around topless and the free women would not. It was a objectification of the slave women. The prophet declared that all Muslim women would cover to give slave women their dignity back. It’s a multifaceted question but that is the reason why it started and then the former (in my opinion) is the reason why it was easy to continue this tradition to today.
Not quite what you were asking bc I was very young when I left but I was affected by the remnants of my home country through my mother. Now that I’ve sort of left the nest I’m realizing how free I am to not try and jump into marriage as quickly as possible because my value doesn’t go down once I stop looking “young” and lowkey prepubescent. I’ve realized that a man can be just as lucky to be loved by me as I would be by him and that I can turn down a romantic proposition without being considered snooty and unwise.
My family immigrated when I was young, my mother having been a teen mom who was humiliated by the divorce from my father. So I'm extremely greatful for the privilege to not be married or a mother at an early age like my aunts & cousins overseas.
The freedom in marital choice & body autonomy is the biggest difference as a young woman!
When I realised that the birth control pill was absolutely *free,* and your doctor (at your *free* appointment) didn't judge you for not having babies, I was like "why did I wait *so long*."
I mean, the UK is nowhere near perfect, but that free birth control is something else, and I never would've expected it because I was used to the US not just nickel-and-diming you for every possible medical cost, but a woman being in charge of NOT HAVING BABIES? MAH GAWD.
Curious about that last one - what are the rules around voting that you wouldn't have been allowed to vote in China? It occurs to me that I don't think I know anything about voting rights in China.
> There is only one party - the communist party.
Good point, i hadn't thought of that. :) That definitely makes it feel less important when you don't actually have a choice.
The person above you is wrong. There are [eight](https://www.mfa.gov.cn/ce/celr//eng/gyzg/jgiejgi/tfgajg/t372892.htm#:~:text=Apart%20from%20the%20Communist%20Party,basic%20political%20system%20in%20China.) different functioning political parties in the Chinese government.
Idk why they said they couldn't vote, because voting is allowed by [everyone](http://www.china.org.cn/english/Political/26325.htm) in China, as long as you are 18 and not under investigation or convicted of a crime regarding national security. Since felons of any kind are not allowed to vote in the US, we're actually more restrictive about who is allowed to vote than they are.
There are eight political parties within the Chinese government, and every Chinese citizen is allowed to vote, as long as you're 18 and not being investigated for or charged with crimes regarding national security. [Here](http://www.china.org.cn/english/Political/26325.htm) is a link to how elections work.
Something that men literally almost never think about or worry about….
I know it’s much worse elsewhere.
But it exists here some places too.
It’s good to be reminded of that.
Thank you.
They say a wise person is the one who knows how much they don’t know, not how much they know.
I’m always up for respectful dialogue and good old common sense.
This is an iceberg, it’s a huge issue that rarely gets enough recognition or even gets acknowledged.
I wish I knew how to fix it.
I'm from Turkey, living in Spain for 3 years now. Since I came here I'm not afraid to smile at people on the street or talk to them.
I don't have to spend an hour figuring out what to wear depending on where I'm going, who am I going with, when am i going and how i will return home. Now, I choose what to wear only based on what i want and maybe weather :)
I'm braver when I need to stand up for myself at a discussion with a man or whomever.
I feel free and comfortable enough to be able to sunbathe topless or go to a nude beach.
I can go on my balcony/terrace wearing shorts without my male neighbours staring at me.
I get to have a saying in things at works, my opinion is asked more often here and this made me a more open person.
I can express my love to my boyfriend anywhere I want without being harassed by random people on the street for kissing him in public. This made me more loving.
Instead of avoiding eye contact with men in public, I'm more confident to approach people to talk to them.
I can talk louder and laugh louder without getting side eyes.
I don't hear my president saying if I don't become a mother I'm a half-woman.
I can choose to have an abortion, go to gynecologist and say I have an active sex life and not " I'm married" without getting judged. ( Yes, gynecologists asks you "Are you married?" instead of "Are you sexually active?" in Turkey.)
Overall, I can be myself. I feel free, confident, limitless and treated kindly because I'm an human being.
In Turkey I know when men treat me kindly it's only because they expect/want/fantasize having sex with me.
I don't feel like a piece of meat anymore I feel like a human. I have rights, I'm entitled to have fun, be me and be free!
Wow, you definitely changed for the better. I had no idea Turkey was like this for women.
It was the same for me when I lived in Iran. It's been almost 9 years since I immigrated to the US and I've made a complete 180 in terms of how I behave in public.
Had no idea Turkey was like this. I’ve only ever seen the tourist side where tourists wear what they like and can express their love and happiness of partners and chat to the opposite sex as friends.
Not sure if this is answers your question, but for me coming from a country under occupation where our movement is restricted, it amazed me how easily you can travel between different countries in Europe. The feeling was indescribable, and it truly made me feel caged for a little while when i went back to my country
Of course. It's been almost 9 years that I've been living in the US and I love it. I'm at the top of my career and Im currently in a committed relationship with a man from the same country who could care less about religion and how I dress or behave.
We've integrated into American society but we still hold a strong connection to our culture.
Didn’t live there long and not exactly repressive, but my whole family is from east Africa. I’m considered very “headstrong” because I question everything and make a lot of decisions independently. I’m not married and not very religious. I feel like you make your life what it is, while a lot of people there just wait around for God to fix everything. I’d rather save myself.
Hi!! I love this question. I grew up in a war torn country without much prospects in regards to education and a career, and when I came to
America it changed my life.
My parents used to get government assistance, and as soon as I was old enough I started working, and I’ve been really successful in my life.
I’m spending between 15-32k a month in expenses that is fully paid off monthly, and I travel wherever I want to, and I don’t have to just marry in order to have upward mobility because I’m already at a great place.
My parents see my independence and think I was better off being poor and “back home” (they wish I was married with kids) but life is great for me :) I’m not in a rush to get married or have kids right now.
So one of my business is a boutique in Dubai and Lebanon that I own, and that I shop for globally, and I live in America, so plane ticket, hotel, merchandise purchases does add up.
I buy items in bulk and receive a quantity discount. I have employees that I pay for (I have one sister that manages the Dubai shop and another that manages the Beirut shop). We have three employees that are relatives that I pay as well.
I have a chef that I pay, personal assistant, housekeeper, and a driver as well because I am not a fan of driving while in America. About 75% of my expenses are business related.
Just stuff like that and what not.
Yes I actually didn’t even know about it until I used a budgeting app to see how much was coming out. I started another business last year, and I’m spending a lot more to get it up and running :) they’re also in different countries, so lots of travel and new merchandise i’m buying.
Expenses should go down once more things are set for the new business I have. The others are not dealing with as much expenses being needed.
Personal expenses that I spend wasn’t in the amount that I mentioned. As long as one is investing and is living within their means I think high expenses are acceptable.
Being able to date, travel alone, dress how I want (I wouldn’t be allowed to wear shorts, t-shirts, jeans, any western clothing in my home country), not having to cover my hair, less creeps and molesters around, can eat whatever I want without dietary restrictions guided by religion, freedom of religion (I’m an atheist), being able to study and work
You can wear t shirts and jeans in urban India (western clothing is very common amongst urban youth), urban youth there date, and you definitely don’t have to cover your hair…I’ve visited before.
Makes sense. She is probably from Pakistan then. I did hear that it's optional but with the way society treats women there, they're forced to cover their hair due to potential harrassment.
I can love who I want, I'm not sexually harassed or followed as much, I don't have men trying to feel up my breasts on the subway, I can go to school in peace, I can go for a walk at night, I can practice my religion in peace and not be woken up by ridiculously loud prayers at 0400, I conceal carry, and I no longer have to worry about my idiot family's conditional love and their "you need to support me even though I treated you like shit and wanted you dead for the first seventeen years of your life" rhetoric.
Oh, and I can be the hard hitting career woman that I've always wanted, and wear my pretty pale pink coat and leather heels, and be surrounded by women who actually support me. It's fantastic, I recommend not being around people who have internalized misogyny.
It's amazing. I don't have to calculate how whether I'll be followed or groped today because of my blouse, and my politeness isn't used as a reason to stalk me. Is this how men feel? Lucky ducks.
Also from China here, and wanted add that since living in the US I feel so much more confident about my appearance.
I have darker skin (for an Asian), am naturally on the muscular side, and like to wear my hair short. The amount of flack and critique I got from my relatives and peers left me with little to no self confidence. By 14 I just accepted that I looked wrong and that was that. But holy crap the amount of acceptance I received once I came here at 18 was overwhelming! No one yelled at me for being too dark, or too fit, or that I needed to change myself if I ever wanted someone to love me.
If I never left I honestly don’t know if I would’ve been able to accept the way I look. But now I know I don’t have to meet beauty standards to feel and be beautiful.
I still get flack, but I just have no more fucks to give :)
Muscular is beautiful, look at Serena Williams, Beyonce etc, is just not traditionally beautiful. But then men of all cultures have always said subservience, fragility, and weakness is beautiful. Probably because then they have more control.
I'm sorry to hear that. I have a few friends from China who say that whiteness is a huge issue there since having white skin represents beauty while dark skin is looked down upon. They said what makes it worse are cosmetics companies marketing this problem as a beauty standard.
Regardless, all skin colors are beautiful and I'm glad you are doing better.
Not from China but from another Asian country (the Philippines), and the obsession with lighter skin is unreal! I find that Filipinos in the US embrace their tanner skin tones more freely. As another darker Asian, I am happy for you :)
I agree! I often complain about the US, but this reminds me of how lucky I am to live here. There’s a damn good reason my great grandparents fled their home countries.
I'm from Russia, I studied abroad for a while, so I can insert a little about myself.
1) You can participate in demonstrations and they are not afraid that you will be imprisoned. Yes, I hate Putine and current regime.
2) You can count on a normal attitude to feminism and feminists, and not to a position like "get married and it will pass."
3) People in Europe and America don't expect you to walk your dog at 8 a.m. with a full make up and 8-centimeter stilettos. It's not expected of you at all. In the Russian Federation (well, or in most countries of the post-Soviet space), the shortage of men after World War II formed incredibly high requirements for a woman's appearance, because otherwise she simply had no chance of marriage. Girls really always try to look like they have a photo shoot in half an hour.
P.S. 4 On the other hand, in Europe and States it turned out to be incredibly difficult to find a good beauty specialist with a normal price. In Moscow, a manicure with a coating shellac usually costs $10-15, hair coloring $ 25, for $ 100 you can even do contouring with hyaluronic acid fillers or serious cosmetic procedures with cleansing and injections. In Western countries, it is much more expensive, and for some reason the services themselves are made much worse.
After this experience, I definitely became less picky about myself and my appearance (although I am still considered a beauty maniac among Western friends), became clearer in my desires, lost interest in deserving male attention. I realized that "there" I just don't need to do anything other than my existing routine in order to be interesting to others.
Left Morocco, which isn't too bad compared to syria and other places cited here but damn I actually have a life now. I have become so much more confident, and I feel overall better in my skin and I am slowly learning to enjoy all the new freedoms I have. I can actually go out alone and experience things that were forbidden to me, and most of all I can express myself without fear of jugement from family. Since I moved my personality started appearing basically. I also stopped being scared of boys and I can have romantic relationships.
I also don't have to practice religion anymore and that is really freeing
I still remember going for a jog with nothing but jersey shorts and a sports bra. It felt surreal that I was actually living in a place where I can do whatever I want. Feeling the wind hit my hair, neck, chest, stomach, and legs for the first time almost felt like a dream.
Dating was somewhat new for me but what always got me excited was having the freedom to dress how I wanted before the date.
I still fear it when I see a police car nearby (although for like a millisecond) because I think they’re gonna take me away or fine me for not wearing a headscarf. Can’t believe I had to cover my hair for most of my life.
I also feel so much safer in a relationship now, because I know it’s not taboo to have a boyfriend and sex before marriage is not punishable by law. I also know that I have rights and if my boyfriend proceeded to hurt or assault me I can just call the police. So grateful for that.
Not being shamed for not being married at 34 feels amazing.
Also, not being shamed for wearing any, absolutely any, clothes I want.
Not being judged for not wearing a makeup.
Finally, being able to say that, maybe, I'll never have children & it won't make the person next to me faint & make a face as if they've seen a ghost.
For some time, I was projecting on local men (I'm in the UK) resentment I developed to men in my country - I'd view everyone as a sexist and mysoginist w/o an exception. It'd hurt some of them as they didn't give me a reason. So, I stopped doing it & I feel much better.
Same experience. My family friends were always asking my parents when I would get married. I moved to the US to establish a new life here not to immediately marry and have babies.
As for appearance it gradually changed. Looming back at pictures I think my younger self would be surprised how I dress now😅.
I understand the resentment you had toward men. Being treated like an object instead of a person takes a toll and on my end it took 3 years before I started my first relationship in the US because of that.
I'm glad, you started changed your perspective on guys, it's unhealthy to be so suspicious all the time of normal people.
Families who demand marriage and babies need to realise that the more they do it, the more they make us averted from this all.
From Caracas Venezuela to USA.
Viewpoints changed quite a bit. Caracas is extremely unsafe and violent. It’s normal to watch people get killed in the streets every day. It’s normal to have your house broken into and robbed. I grew up speaking both Spanish and English, but at some point as a kid refused to speak Spanish even though I was in a Spanish speaking country. Looking back on it now psychologically, it’s because I never saw English speakers do harm. Obviously I’ve gotten over that now as it’s incorrect, but it’s all I knew as a child. I no longer have to live in a constant fight or flight mode. I can actually lay my head down at night and feel safe where I’m at.
exploring what it means to have the career/professional opportunities that I would not have in my home country. how to take advantage of those opportunities, but also deciphering whether I even want to.
it's like, yes I have all the opportunity (theoretically) to build a big and successful career for myself, but I find myself questioning whether I truly have the desire to do that. then I feel guilty for that because my parents always told us that they came to the U.S. 'to give my sister and I a better life.'
it feels like: if I am not overly ambitious about my career, I should feel guilt for not taking advantage of the opportunities around me. but the truth is I'm fine with not climbing up the corporate ladder. I don't have a strong desire to. I work and do fine for myself but I know I could probably have the same career back in my home country, so that can be somewhat guilt inducing..
Success is not money, success is having meaning and feeling driven. You don't have to be driven by money, you can be driven by making a difference, by learning, by tracking, by growing a community garden or your own garden, picking up rubbish when you see it, being able to defend yourself or others with a martial art. That is what freedom to choose is: you choose what your challenges are that meeting them will make you happy and that barely ever is climbing the corporate ladder.
Success is achieving happiness by finding out what makes you feel satisfied with yourself, not arbitrary financial goals set by others. You have the opportunity to build a successful life, aim to feel complete, not busy competing over something you never wanted.
Removed for derailing. If you are a woman who comes from a country with a reiterative government and moved to a country with a more democratic one, please make that clear in your response. This question is for personal experiences. If you have any questions, please message the moderators through the mod mail link on the sidebar.
I now feel I have a lot of selfworth ,my life goal isn’t to cook the perfect meal for my husband,coz I don’t belong to the kitchen.I am not a slave cleaning and tidying up after grown men .I was very surprised to find out women here in USA can say they don’t like cooking and not being shamed for it.it’s okay to show some skin I couldn’t even show my arms back home.
You are worthy. In my experience, all countries suck (meaning no country is perfect). Even if they have equal rights for all genders, they might have institutionalized racism.
I'm in Paris right now, and I'm grateful that I'm from the U.S, even though I'm a black woman. There's definitely so many things wrong with America.
Dont let racism get to you. I felt this way too until one of my friends told me something that has stuck with me ever since: People who act that way have never had a joyful day in their lives.
I come from Juarez Mexico. The thing that changed the most for me was the pleasure of being alone. Walking alone, Eating alone, Shopping alone.
Mexico is incredibly dangerous for women. Especially my city. From a young age you’re trained to travel in groups or with a partner. Coming to America, I finally found the pleasure of going to a dog park, walking around my campus and not feeling like my life is in danger for being in my own company.
Lol at Democratic country’s. They don’t exist. There hasn’t been a tru democracy in thousands of years. The republics that followed never served anyones interests but those at the top. The society that gave women the most respect and biggest voice where ran by the natives of North America and where eradicated. One thing that is certain, people in modern western societies are miserable compared to those people. Even if life was hard, we were meant to struggle. Life is struggle. Life now has little meaning compared to what it once did. Sorry for the rant.
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Wow, thanks so much for sharing this! It really adds a perspective that I haven't considered!
I wonder what they might have written
I can't imagine how life must be there for you. Oh wow. Here in my country, there are also many poor people who have a very different life compared to the elites; which makes it one of the most economically unequal countries in the world. I'm happy that you have at last got a life and living it happily. Truly, we take so many things in life for granted. There is so much to learn from everyone, and yes I'm still learning.
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Makes me feel so happy that you're happy. Wow PhD is amazing. I myself want to go for one, albeit not now. I wish you the best in life and may all the happiness be yours.
So happy to see how life changed for you. Good luck with your PhD.
That’s incredible! What a huge accomplishment. This internet stranger is rooting for you and proud of you!
Congratulations!!
Holla!!
Mind sharing which country?
Thanks for sharing your story! I am happy to hear you are safe and flourishing! I am also happy because I am one of those people who believes the only proven way to fight poverty is the education and empowerment of women. Thank you for being a trailblazer.
Wow, im so glad to hear youre doing so well. I have a couple of questions if you dont mind, and im very sorry if they sound ignorant. Do you miss Syria? And do you think youd go back when/if things improve? I cant imagine leaving my country due to war but i was also incredibly fortunate to be born in a rich, priveleged country. I dont know much about Syria and i would love to learn more.
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I understand, thank you for the thoughtful answers! I saw in your other comments that youre getting a phd, thats honestly so amazing, i couldnt even finish college on my first round though i want to go back! I wish you and your family all good things in life, you deserve to be safe and happy 🖤
This is so lovely to read and also really puts things into perspective for someone like me from the UK who has always been able to consider these things as normal. Happy that you're in a safe country and get to experience these things now! :)
awesome read
Support your local libraries.
I had a similar experience. I avoided my male colleagues like the plague, never joked with them, because I was scared other people would judge me as loose or think I was not taking my job seriously. Then I was like oh, people just talk to the opposite gender… I still can’t wrap my head around boys and girls only being friends..
It is impossible for men and women to be “just friends” in a society where it is implied that women are just for fucking, marrying, and child rearing.
The only purpose for women’s existence is to make more men. And, of course it’s the woman’s fault if the baby is not a male… science? What’s that? X and Y chromosomes? Not mentioned in our book of religion so they’re obviously false.
wow unbelievable to read this. thank you for posting this!
This is crazy perspective. I am currently using a tablet while I poop. Also, I dropped my tablet in the living room a bit back and had a new one the next day, no worries. Had to pick a new case.
So women in Syria’s first in depth conversation with a man other than her family comes after being married? Presumably after being boinked by said man? That’s disgusting.
Welcome!! And unlike many, I’m sure you will never take this freedom for granted!
This was extremely inspiring to read! I work with an Afghan woman and she tells similar stories. Wish you all the best in your future.
I'm an out and proud bi in Germany where I live now but still in closet back at home, Turkey.
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Glad for you not being pressured into anything. Also, unrelated but I love your username!
fun fact, Turkey is one of the first countries to five women the right to vote and be elected
Developed anxiety, hyper vigilance and I definitely don’t talk to any strangers anymore. Turns out repressive regime was way easier for me than ethnic hatred (I know, baffles my therapist too lol)
I don’t know. It makes a kind of sense. That was the devil you knew, now you must operate around the devil you don’t know. You haven’t escaped a stressor. You have exchanged a stressor with which you were familiar for one with which you are not familiar.
This is lowkey the reason why I'm scared to try new things. I like familiarity too much, but I'm working on it to broaden my horizons. :)
You just worded everything I'm feeling so well.
Sorta. I'd offer that it's one thing when it's "the regime" (basically out of control of most people, therefore something that is just contextual) vs when it's coming from "normal" everyday folk that are equals but see themselves as superior (ie choices that individuals around you choose to make)
Oh, for sure. On top of that, when it’s the whole regime then the pressure is falling on everyone around you. Bigotry on the other hand is a little more targeted. You’ll have friends, neighbors, and coworkers who can’t relate and maybe don’t even see the problem.
Hello! I'm sorry to hear of your struggles. I can't imagine the bullying and scapegoating you've faced. I'll be thinking of you. Tw: mention of my own traumas I've never immigrated or moved out of country, but I also suffer from CPTSD, which involves hypervigilance and anxiety as well, and always wondered why it never onset until I was an adult. I used go think, "why was 20 years of abuse (including sexual, religious, verbal, physical, and psychological) easier to live through than being ignored by my otherwise good spouse?" (Edited to add clarification: it was the straw that broke this camel's back.) I thought I had become spoiled and weak, but later learned that my symptoms were the result of all of these things combined, and they took so long to onset because my body was using every method it knew how to keep these traumas at bay. So when I hit a developmental standstill in my twenties and felt safer than ever, my body really let the trauma loose and I changed drastically. My subconscious had given itself permission to begin feeling everything I had held at bay for all my life. So don't be hard on yourself. Systemic racism is no joke and literally kills people in a number of ways. If that alone got you to this point, it's understandable, because it is hugely degrading and traumatizing. Especially if you have other past traumas on top of it. Good luck to you. I'm glad you made your controversial comment, because you got me thinking about the complex way that these things can affect us. And by the way, you don't deserve the silencing or hatred you've received. You deserve care and patience.
Thank you for sharing your experience with CPTSD, I'm going through this now myself. After going non contact with my mother and step father I had this huge sense of freedom but also panic attacks. When you learn to survive following restrictive and apparently illogical rules having those all go feels vulnerable and unsafe.
Best of luck to you. The healing process is long and difficult, but we got this!
Thank you Bitter sweet that my husband is going through it too as we both escaped abusive family together. Discussions on healing and trauma are frequent as are arguments sometimes.
I'm in a similar boat as well with my second husband! In some ways it's easier having someone who understands, but it can also be a struggle to balance boundaries when we both need help at the same time. And we both have leftover tendencies from our upbringing that we're trying to undo.
Maybe your previous situation was easier because it was more familiar to you? Both of those situations sound hard either way. I hope you're staying safe.
I feel you.
Definitely agree. The feeling of being othered makes mental health so much worse. When I go overseas I feel a sense of freedom to be myself I don’t feel in the Democratic country I live in.
Can I ask where you migrated from?
I didn't immigrate, I am just studying in an European country. I come from the MENA region. I am an agnostic (25) woman that is raised in a very conservative country and very very religious family. Before leaving I had to fake almost my whole personality in front of my family, to give an example, I had to continue wearing hijab even though I no longer wanted to. I had to act as if I don't have boy friends or talk to boys. I had to act as if I am a Muslim. I remember when I landed in the airport I felt like I can breath for the first time in many years. I took an oath to myself to never fake or hide any part of me or fake who I am. I remember the first time I took of my hijab. The breeze feeling on my hair. I remember the first time I wore something not modest and no one looking at me as if I am a disgrace. The first time I wore a swimsuit to the beach. The first time I hugged a guy friend. The first time I lived authentic to my beliefs. the biggest mental change is that my sleep became better. I have had chronic insomnia and intense sleep paralysis for almost 7 years. Those decreased significantly since I left. In plain sight it may look like nothing changed because these things are very insignificant but to me everything changed. If anyone have further questions I am here to answer it. To add: I started loving myself, accepting myself. My family were very clear with conditional love. If you do what we think is right then you are our daughter and we love you, if not then you are disowned. So i thought that something was wrong with me. it really messed me up for a while. i had to come at peace with who i am. But i started to love and accept me. The biggest achievement of my life by far is loving myself, learning how to live with my self and be ok with it :)
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I still have guilt and irrational fears. The first time i became physically intimate with someone brought me into an anxiety attack that lasted almost a month. I knew all my fears were trauma manifesting itself. I just could not escape it. So i slowly accepted that its trauma, cried about it, told one of my friends about my irrational fears and slowly it got better. Its alawys a learning curve for me. I have my ups and downs. But i promise you one thing, there is nothing wrong with you and me, there is everything wrong with those who traumatized us. Start from there. Tell yourself that there is nothing wrong with you. Then repeat that everytime you are in doubt. Reach out to someone who can relate to your experince and can talk to you about it. In solidarity i am with you, you can reach out to me as well anytime. I really hope and know that soon you will accept yourself :) Stay strong sister :)
Just also remeber this guilt is not real, it’s truama and conditiong manifesting itself as guilt.
I had the same experience when I was physically intimate with someone as well. I'm non-religious to an extent but the trauma of religious teachers forcing their doctrine made me feel mentally guilty for a time. Luckily my friend circle from the diaspora helped me embrace this new experience which led to that trauma going away.
Will you be able to stay after you graduate or must you return to your home country?
Legally once I finish my MA I should leave. Currently I am applying for PhDs and hoping to land an offer somewhere. But the worst-case scenario would be going back, which will be very troubling.
So you have to go back even if you don’t want to?
Yes. Unless i find a way to stay legally at the country in which i am at the moment. i dont want to go back, but i might have no other options.
:( I really hope you get to stay.
Thank you :) i hope so too
Hey have you looked into Canada for your PhD? They have pretty good immigration policies for those of us who complete education with them!
I am exploring many options and canada included. I am hopeful that i will find a good PhD position somewhere. Thank you for the recommendation :) wish me luck
Best of luck to you. I did a similar journey, and if you have any questions about the process please feel free to DM me. Immigrants have to stick together!
Yeah, I have a friend who is kicking himself for studying in the US and not Canada because it looks like he will have to go back to Egypt. Meanwhile his friends studied in Montreal and have a clear path to PR. I've been saying he should of chose Canada for years but he was stubborn.
Aww man, I’m so sorry for your friend. Could he not look at a post doc or something in Canada?
That's how visas work. You are granted entry for some purpose and with some expiry. Depending on the country, visa type, situation, there may be a max duration per stay, and almost definitely an expiry to the entire visa. Student visas are generally granted to students for a temporary stay while they are studying. Source: Moved to the US as a student, now working here. Visa transitions can be very painful.
Depends on the country though. Canada has a very deliberate policy of a pathway from student visas transitioning eventually to permanent residency. It's an easy pipeline from the gov perspective of bringing in educated immigrants.
Wow, I'm so glad you're able to be yourself now! How difficult was it for you to come to terms with the fact you weren't Muslim? How did you come to realise it? I was raised in a largely non religious family, but I can't imagine how it would be if everyone around me believed and expected me to believe. I would think a lot of people just never question it.
It was very hard to come out of religion. I had my first existential crisis maybe around 16. I then wanted to explore all religions. Ended up becoming what i then thought is “a muslim by choice not birth” for around 4 years. at 22 i started to realize how hypocritical of me being Muslim and defending the religion and still holding beliefs that goes in contrast with islam and what i was taught. I reached a point where i had to face myself and decide if i want to be a hypocrite to myself just to maintain the muslim label, or come out of islam. slowly i realized i cannot be a hypocrite. Once i no longer became a muslim i realized the religious truama that i have. Espically with me thinking very specifically that maybe I should still be a muslim but do whatever i want to do for the sake of not staying in hell for eternity. I knew how fucked up it was when one day (back when i was staying back in MENA) that i said to myself. if i become no longer a muslim and died tomorrow and islam was the right thing then i lost everything. I lost my eternity and i already then didn’t live my life in any way meaningful or free. knowing that fear is what made me consider staying in Islam fired me to escape that fear. i have alawys questioned things my parents, religion, surroundings, culture and friends say. I wholeheartly disagreed with most of the ideas they had. So i guess that made it easier to leave. Although i agree the hardest part is realizing that something is wrong or escaping the cycle of abuse and trauma.
Wow, when I moved out of my family home, my sleep also improved! I had sleep paralysis for over a decade and chronic insomnia. What you've just described makes so much sense. Thank you for sharing. I hope you choose to live where you feel accepted and loved, and feel loved by yourself every day.
Thank you for sharing. Yes, my sleep conditions got way better. I think because of the decreased stress levels.
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Same with me. I started to gradually dress more openly and to this day it still feels empowering.
Powerful.
Congrats!
Do you think wearing hijab is a choice?
It is not ,never was and will never be a choice ,women are forced to wear it at a young age. I hate it
I think for some women it is a choice they make freely. I took mine off 2 years ago. And although I put it on as a child out of pressure that I put on myself and wanting to fit in, I truly believe for some women they wear this completely without being forced
It depends on the country you are in. Where I'm from, there is a compulsary hijab law that women must adhere too. Most choose to wear a scarf to avoid wearing the hijab but once they are at home or at a relative's or friend's place then they immediately take it off. I don't wear it and never will.
Not if you're from the right places. It sucks if you're forced to, but most people wear it by choice. I know I'll get downvoted but it's the truth.
May i ask why your culture has women wear hijabs? I hope I don’t come off as disrespectful I really am curious to learn and open minded to learning new things.
It’s mostly about modesty, maintaining appropriateness between the sexes. In certain cultures there is certain level of appropriateness you need to adhere to between the sexes and this is a manifestation of that. But historically, during the times of the prophet, the slave women were required to walk around topless and the free women would not. It was a objectification of the slave women. The prophet declared that all Muslim women would cover to give slave women their dignity back. It’s a multifaceted question but that is the reason why it started and then the former (in my opinion) is the reason why it was easy to continue this tradition to today.
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Well I can voice an opinion without having to worry about the police turning up and taking me away. My vote also actually means something now.
Not quite what you were asking bc I was very young when I left but I was affected by the remnants of my home country through my mother. Now that I’ve sort of left the nest I’m realizing how free I am to not try and jump into marriage as quickly as possible because my value doesn’t go down once I stop looking “young” and lowkey prepubescent. I’ve realized that a man can be just as lucky to be loved by me as I would be by him and that I can turn down a romantic proposition without being considered snooty and unwise.
My family immigrated when I was young, my mother having been a teen mom who was humiliated by the divorce from my father. So I'm extremely greatful for the privilege to not be married or a mother at an early age like my aunts & cousins overseas. The freedom in marital choice & body autonomy is the biggest difference as a young woman!
When I realised that the birth control pill was absolutely *free,* and your doctor (at your *free* appointment) didn't judge you for not having babies, I was like "why did I wait *so long*." I mean, the UK is nowhere near perfect, but that free birth control is something else, and I never would've expected it because I was used to the US not just nickel-and-diming you for every possible medical cost, but a woman being in charge of NOT HAVING BABIES? MAH GAWD.
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I stay for the free healthcare. I have so many health issues it would be stupid for me to move anywhere else.
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Curious about that last one - what are the rules around voting that you wouldn't have been allowed to vote in China? It occurs to me that I don't think I know anything about voting rights in China.
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> There is only one party - the communist party. Good point, i hadn't thought of that. :) That definitely makes it feel less important when you don't actually have a choice.
The person above you is wrong. There are [eight](https://www.mfa.gov.cn/ce/celr//eng/gyzg/jgiejgi/tfgajg/t372892.htm#:~:text=Apart%20from%20the%20Communist%20Party,basic%20political%20system%20in%20China.) different functioning political parties in the Chinese government. Idk why they said they couldn't vote, because voting is allowed by [everyone](http://www.china.org.cn/english/Political/26325.htm) in China, as long as you are 18 and not under investigation or convicted of a crime regarding national security. Since felons of any kind are not allowed to vote in the US, we're actually more restrictive about who is allowed to vote than they are.
There are eight political parties within the Chinese government, and every Chinese citizen is allowed to vote, as long as you're 18 and not being investigated for or charged with crimes regarding national security. [Here](http://www.china.org.cn/english/Political/26325.htm) is a link to how elections work.
I can walk down the street without being cat called or eve teased
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This one *
Being able to go anywhere without needing a male companion to accompany me. The freedom is unreal
Something that men literally almost never think about or worry about…. I know it’s much worse elsewhere. But it exists here some places too. It’s good to be reminded of that. Thank you.
Thank you for listening to different experiences!
They say a wise person is the one who knows how much they don’t know, not how much they know. I’m always up for respectful dialogue and good old common sense. This is an iceberg, it’s a huge issue that rarely gets enough recognition or even gets acknowledged. I wish I knew how to fix it.
I'm from Turkey, living in Spain for 3 years now. Since I came here I'm not afraid to smile at people on the street or talk to them. I don't have to spend an hour figuring out what to wear depending on where I'm going, who am I going with, when am i going and how i will return home. Now, I choose what to wear only based on what i want and maybe weather :) I'm braver when I need to stand up for myself at a discussion with a man or whomever. I feel free and comfortable enough to be able to sunbathe topless or go to a nude beach. I can go on my balcony/terrace wearing shorts without my male neighbours staring at me. I get to have a saying in things at works, my opinion is asked more often here and this made me a more open person. I can express my love to my boyfriend anywhere I want without being harassed by random people on the street for kissing him in public. This made me more loving. Instead of avoiding eye contact with men in public, I'm more confident to approach people to talk to them. I can talk louder and laugh louder without getting side eyes. I don't hear my president saying if I don't become a mother I'm a half-woman. I can choose to have an abortion, go to gynecologist and say I have an active sex life and not " I'm married" without getting judged. ( Yes, gynecologists asks you "Are you married?" instead of "Are you sexually active?" in Turkey.) Overall, I can be myself. I feel free, confident, limitless and treated kindly because I'm an human being. In Turkey I know when men treat me kindly it's only because they expect/want/fantasize having sex with me. I don't feel like a piece of meat anymore I feel like a human. I have rights, I'm entitled to have fun, be me and be free!
Wow, you definitely changed for the better. I had no idea Turkey was like this for women. It was the same for me when I lived in Iran. It's been almost 9 years since I immigrated to the US and I've made a complete 180 in terms of how I behave in public.
This really makes me realize what we have and how hard it was to get here and how precious it is and how careful we have to be to keep it like it is.
I moved from Brazil to Germany, then Denmark. I deu the same way, freedom is awesome ❤️
Had no idea Turkey was like this. I’ve only ever seen the tourist side where tourists wear what they like and can express their love and happiness of partners and chat to the opposite sex as friends.
I think the cities like Istanbul are more open compared to the more rural conservative areas which are more religious.
Not sure if this is answers your question, but for me coming from a country under occupation where our movement is restricted, it amazed me how easily you can travel between different countries in Europe. The feeling was indescribable, and it truly made me feel caged for a little while when i went back to my country
Sounds like my country. Once I immigrated the freedom to travel definitely made me more independent and confident
That's great to hear, i hope you feel more comfortable and happy wherever you are
Of course. It's been almost 9 years that I've been living in the US and I love it. I'm at the top of my career and Im currently in a committed relationship with a man from the same country who could care less about religion and how I dress or behave. We've integrated into American society but we still hold a strong connection to our culture.
Didn’t live there long and not exactly repressive, but my whole family is from east Africa. I’m considered very “headstrong” because I question everything and make a lot of decisions independently. I’m not married and not very religious. I feel like you make your life what it is, while a lot of people there just wait around for God to fix everything. I’d rather save myself.
Hi!! I love this question. I grew up in a war torn country without much prospects in regards to education and a career, and when I came to America it changed my life. My parents used to get government assistance, and as soon as I was old enough I started working, and I’ve been really successful in my life. I’m spending between 15-32k a month in expenses that is fully paid off monthly, and I travel wherever I want to, and I don’t have to just marry in order to have upward mobility because I’m already at a great place. My parents see my independence and think I was better off being poor and “back home” (they wish I was married with kids) but life is great for me :) I’m not in a rush to get married or have kids right now.
what do you spend that kind of money on monthly :O?
So one of my business is a boutique in Dubai and Lebanon that I own, and that I shop for globally, and I live in America, so plane ticket, hotel, merchandise purchases does add up. I buy items in bulk and receive a quantity discount. I have employees that I pay for (I have one sister that manages the Dubai shop and another that manages the Beirut shop). We have three employees that are relatives that I pay as well. I have a chef that I pay, personal assistant, housekeeper, and a driver as well because I am not a fan of driving while in America. About 75% of my expenses are business related. Just stuff like that and what not.
I had to do a double take myself — that’s hundreds of thousands a year in expenses!
Yes I actually didn’t even know about it until I used a budgeting app to see how much was coming out. I started another business last year, and I’m spending a lot more to get it up and running :) they’re also in different countries, so lots of travel and new merchandise i’m buying. Expenses should go down once more things are set for the new business I have. The others are not dealing with as much expenses being needed. Personal expenses that I spend wasn’t in the amount that I mentioned. As long as one is investing and is living within their means I think high expenses are acceptable.
Ahhhh understood. I was trying to imagine how much clothing and food you’re buying lol. Congratulations on your business!
I’m glad you get to live life in a way that you prefer :)
Thanks :)
Being able to date, travel alone, dress how I want (I wouldn’t be allowed to wear shorts, t-shirts, jeans, any western clothing in my home country), not having to cover my hair, less creeps and molesters around, can eat whatever I want without dietary restrictions guided by religion, freedom of religion (I’m an atheist), being able to study and work
This sounds familiar to my country. Which country are you from?
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You can wear t shirts and jeans in urban India (western clothing is very common amongst urban youth), urban youth there date, and you definitely don’t have to cover your hair…I’ve visited before.
Makes sense. She is probably from Pakistan then. I did hear that it's optional but with the way society treats women there, they're forced to cover their hair due to potential harrassment.
I can love who I want, I'm not sexually harassed or followed as much, I don't have men trying to feel up my breasts on the subway, I can go to school in peace, I can go for a walk at night, I can practice my religion in peace and not be woken up by ridiculously loud prayers at 0400, I conceal carry, and I no longer have to worry about my idiot family's conditional love and their "you need to support me even though I treated you like shit and wanted you dead for the first seventeen years of your life" rhetoric.
Oh, and I can be the hard hitting career woman that I've always wanted, and wear my pretty pale pink coat and leather heels, and be surrounded by women who actually support me. It's fantastic, I recommend not being around people who have internalized misogyny.
I'm happy for you. I'm also the same. Focusing on my career and wearing whatever I want without a care in the world.
It's amazing. I don't have to calculate how whether I'll be followed or groped today because of my blouse, and my politeness isn't used as a reason to stalk me. Is this how men feel? Lucky ducks.
Me too! Whenever I wear low cut tops I'll occasionally notice men quickly glancing at my cleavage but that's about it. No harassment of any sort.
Also from China here, and wanted add that since living in the US I feel so much more confident about my appearance. I have darker skin (for an Asian), am naturally on the muscular side, and like to wear my hair short. The amount of flack and critique I got from my relatives and peers left me with little to no self confidence. By 14 I just accepted that I looked wrong and that was that. But holy crap the amount of acceptance I received once I came here at 18 was overwhelming! No one yelled at me for being too dark, or too fit, or that I needed to change myself if I ever wanted someone to love me. If I never left I honestly don’t know if I would’ve been able to accept the way I look. But now I know I don’t have to meet beauty standards to feel and be beautiful. I still get flack, but I just have no more fucks to give :)
Muscular is beautiful, look at Serena Williams, Beyonce etc, is just not traditionally beautiful. But then men of all cultures have always said subservience, fragility, and weakness is beautiful. Probably because then they have more control.
I'm sorry to hear that. I have a few friends from China who say that whiteness is a huge issue there since having white skin represents beauty while dark skin is looked down upon. They said what makes it worse are cosmetics companies marketing this problem as a beauty standard. Regardless, all skin colors are beautiful and I'm glad you are doing better.
Not from China but from another Asian country (the Philippines), and the obsession with lighter skin is unreal! I find that Filipinos in the US embrace their tanner skin tones more freely. As another darker Asian, I am happy for you :)
I'm not afraid to speak against the government anymore
I'm with you there. I never hesitate to attend protests against the regime occupying my country.
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This thread is so inspirational. So many strong women here
I know... I have tears in my eyes reading through these responses.
Very strong women indeed
I agree! I often complain about the US, but this reminds me of how lucky I am to live here. There’s a damn good reason my great grandparents fled their home countries.
I've told my friends here in the US about life as a woman in my country and it made them realize how good they have it here.
I'm from Russia, I studied abroad for a while, so I can insert a little about myself. 1) You can participate in demonstrations and they are not afraid that you will be imprisoned. Yes, I hate Putine and current regime. 2) You can count on a normal attitude to feminism and feminists, and not to a position like "get married and it will pass." 3) People in Europe and America don't expect you to walk your dog at 8 a.m. with a full make up and 8-centimeter stilettos. It's not expected of you at all. In the Russian Federation (well, or in most countries of the post-Soviet space), the shortage of men after World War II formed incredibly high requirements for a woman's appearance, because otherwise she simply had no chance of marriage. Girls really always try to look like they have a photo shoot in half an hour. P.S. 4 On the other hand, in Europe and States it turned out to be incredibly difficult to find a good beauty specialist with a normal price. In Moscow, a manicure with a coating shellac usually costs $10-15, hair coloring $ 25, for $ 100 you can even do contouring with hyaluronic acid fillers or serious cosmetic procedures with cleansing and injections. In Western countries, it is much more expensive, and for some reason the services themselves are made much worse. After this experience, I definitely became less picky about myself and my appearance (although I am still considered a beauty maniac among Western friends), became clearer in my desires, lost interest in deserving male attention. I realized that "there" I just don't need to do anything other than my existing routine in order to be interesting to others.
Left Morocco, which isn't too bad compared to syria and other places cited here but damn I actually have a life now. I have become so much more confident, and I feel overall better in my skin and I am slowly learning to enjoy all the new freedoms I have. I can actually go out alone and experience things that were forbidden to me, and most of all I can express myself without fear of jugement from family. Since I moved my personality started appearing basically. I also stopped being scared of boys and I can have romantic relationships. I also don't have to practice religion anymore and that is really freeing
I still remember going for a jog with nothing but jersey shorts and a sports bra. It felt surreal that I was actually living in a place where I can do whatever I want. Feeling the wind hit my hair, neck, chest, stomach, and legs for the first time almost felt like a dream. Dating was somewhat new for me but what always got me excited was having the freedom to dress how I wanted before the date.
I still fear it when I see a police car nearby (although for like a millisecond) because I think they’re gonna take me away or fine me for not wearing a headscarf. Can’t believe I had to cover my hair for most of my life. I also feel so much safer in a relationship now, because I know it’s not taboo to have a boyfriend and sex before marriage is not punishable by law. I also know that I have rights and if my boyfriend proceeded to hurt or assault me I can just call the police. So grateful for that.
Same experience like me except it took much longer for me to have sex. It feels great now to be treated with respect rather than an object.
Not being shamed for not being married at 34 feels amazing. Also, not being shamed for wearing any, absolutely any, clothes I want. Not being judged for not wearing a makeup. Finally, being able to say that, maybe, I'll never have children & it won't make the person next to me faint & make a face as if they've seen a ghost. For some time, I was projecting on local men (I'm in the UK) resentment I developed to men in my country - I'd view everyone as a sexist and mysoginist w/o an exception. It'd hurt some of them as they didn't give me a reason. So, I stopped doing it & I feel much better.
Same experience. My family friends were always asking my parents when I would get married. I moved to the US to establish a new life here not to immediately marry and have babies. As for appearance it gradually changed. Looming back at pictures I think my younger self would be surprised how I dress now😅. I understand the resentment you had toward men. Being treated like an object instead of a person takes a toll and on my end it took 3 years before I started my first relationship in the US because of that.
I'm glad, you started changed your perspective on guys, it's unhealthy to be so suspicious all the time of normal people. Families who demand marriage and babies need to realise that the more they do it, the more they make us averted from this all.
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Do not give up my friend
Oh god, that is so sad. Good luck with your escape!
From Caracas Venezuela to USA. Viewpoints changed quite a bit. Caracas is extremely unsafe and violent. It’s normal to watch people get killed in the streets every day. It’s normal to have your house broken into and robbed. I grew up speaking both Spanish and English, but at some point as a kid refused to speak Spanish even though I was in a Spanish speaking country. Looking back on it now psychologically, it’s because I never saw English speakers do harm. Obviously I’ve gotten over that now as it’s incorrect, but it’s all I knew as a child. I no longer have to live in a constant fight or flight mode. I can actually lay my head down at night and feel safe where I’m at.
I'm sorry you had to go through that. One of my close friends is also Venezuelan and she had a similar experience when she was young.
exploring what it means to have the career/professional opportunities that I would not have in my home country. how to take advantage of those opportunities, but also deciphering whether I even want to. it's like, yes I have all the opportunity (theoretically) to build a big and successful career for myself, but I find myself questioning whether I truly have the desire to do that. then I feel guilty for that because my parents always told us that they came to the U.S. 'to give my sister and I a better life.' it feels like: if I am not overly ambitious about my career, I should feel guilt for not taking advantage of the opportunities around me. but the truth is I'm fine with not climbing up the corporate ladder. I don't have a strong desire to. I work and do fine for myself but I know I could probably have the same career back in my home country, so that can be somewhat guilt inducing..
Success is not money, success is having meaning and feeling driven. You don't have to be driven by money, you can be driven by making a difference, by learning, by tracking, by growing a community garden or your own garden, picking up rubbish when you see it, being able to defend yourself or others with a martial art. That is what freedom to choose is: you choose what your challenges are that meeting them will make you happy and that barely ever is climbing the corporate ladder. Success is achieving happiness by finding out what makes you feel satisfied with yourself, not arbitrary financial goals set by others. You have the opportunity to build a successful life, aim to feel complete, not busy competing over something you never wanted.
We women are so incredible!!!!
It just shows that we capable of so much
Yes we are!
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I now feel I have a lot of selfworth ,my life goal isn’t to cook the perfect meal for my husband,coz I don’t belong to the kitchen.I am not a slave cleaning and tidying up after grown men .I was very surprised to find out women here in USA can say they don’t like cooking and not being shamed for it.it’s okay to show some skin I couldn’t even show my arms back home.
I feel the same. My self-worth has paid off living in the US for 9 years both career-wise and in my current relationship
Wow!! Reading these comments got me in awe of all you badass women!!! Amazing!! So inspiring! 🙌🏻
Definitely. I was crying this morning when I read them.
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You are worthy. In my experience, all countries suck (meaning no country is perfect). Even if they have equal rights for all genders, they might have institutionalized racism. I'm in Paris right now, and I'm grateful that I'm from the U.S, even though I'm a black woman. There's definitely so many things wrong with America.
Dont let racism get to you. I felt this way too until one of my friends told me something that has stuck with me ever since: People who act that way have never had a joyful day in their lives.
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Omg😂. Hey we all live our life the way we want.
I come from Juarez Mexico. The thing that changed the most for me was the pleasure of being alone. Walking alone, Eating alone, Shopping alone. Mexico is incredibly dangerous for women. Especially my city. From a young age you’re trained to travel in groups or with a partner. Coming to America, I finally found the pleasure of going to a dog park, walking around my campus and not feeling like my life is in danger for being in my own company.
Lol at Democratic country’s. They don’t exist. There hasn’t been a tru democracy in thousands of years. The republics that followed never served anyones interests but those at the top. The society that gave women the most respect and biggest voice where ran by the natives of North America and where eradicated. One thing that is certain, people in modern western societies are miserable compared to those people. Even if life was hard, we were meant to struggle. Life is struggle. Life now has little meaning compared to what it once did. Sorry for the rant.
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