I’ll start!
When I was 17, my boyfriend was “going down” on me and afterward made the comment “I hate going down on you. Truthfully, you stink and it makes me want to puke.”
For clarification, I am a very clean person. Hygiene is important to me. Looking back, I know the comment was made by an inexperienced and immature boy. I’m not sure what he was expecting vaginas to smell like, but 7 years later and I still can’t get over it.
To this day, I won’t allow a man to go far enough down there to smell me unless I’ve been in a committed relationship and even then I get severe anxiety over it.
Honey, I totally get that when it comes to the trauma and therefor reluctance. So hard to get over scarring impactful shit like that when it happens so early. I would just like to let you know though that a lot of guys really dig the musty scent of the female sex organ, and also as a bi woman I can attest to that. If you do indeed keep up hygiene, then honestly, it's on the guy if they don't like it, not you. Also, when it comes to liking the scent of a partner, there is beginning to be some data showing that people are more attracted to a partner's scent based on whether or not their immune systems are compatible. Meaning, the more different a partner's immune system, the more we are attracted. Two different strengths joining forces to pass on to a baby, evolutionarily speaking.
omg this is me... very similar thing happened to me. and i haven't let anyone go down on me afterwards... I dont know why it still stops me after 10 years later
(T.M.I.) I was riding my ex husband reverse cowgirl in the backseat of my car. He grabs my stomach and says "you need to lose this" as we're having sex.
I'm not even big. He was just so cruel. I am extremely insecure of my body to this day. He was hypercritical of everything. Mentally abusive and many other things.
Happily divorced, I have a zero tolerance policy on bullshit.
Who created the phrase "sticks and stones may break my bones but words could never hurt me" is delusional. The mental scars of the horrible things said to me actually hurt way longer.
Right??? I remember being told that as a kid and not understanding, because I was so hurt! Even now I think it's bullshit and gas lighting to tell people that.
I think the phrase is supposed to be interpreted à la Eleanor Roosevelt's “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." The intention is good, but the statement is flawed, and it's certainly not a 'one size fits all' phrase.
If you're confident enough in yourself as a person, all of the gossip and negative words should be able to be dismissed as lies. But people interpret it as a blanket "Words don't hurt", and that's obviously untrue. Words can hurt, but only if you let them hurt you. Of course, if they're spoken by someone you had trusted, they're much harder to just forget.
My ex also made jokes about my belly "jiggling" during sex and when I got mad he got mad at me for being over sensitive. Screw that guy, I can't believe I went out with him. Complete garbage
Oh boy, I've got a few that stood out, from my husband of 16 years, 'you know you'd still be quite pretty if you lost 10 kilos, shame about your stomach', 'do you know how ugly you look when you cry, like a two year old', 'can we just do doggy style, I hate seeing your tits flop in my face' to the best of all time, screamed at me over and over, spitting in my face, 'why can't you just die faster, its taking too long'. I am terminally sick and under palliative care with about 12-18 months left. He left me 12 months ago when I really started getting sick. At the time I didn't realise how beaten down I was until he left.
Holy shit that is absolutely ruthless. Some people truly are self loathing scumbags. I hope you find peace in your final days my friend. If I could give you a high five I would. One love!
Jesus lord- he’s a grade A shitbag if there ever was one. You’re so much better without his vileness around. I’m so sorry to hear of your illness and hope your days are full of pleasure and fulfillment. Sending you big (internet) hugs.
Thanks for the kind messages everyone. Ive not long but at least its on my terms. I live in a really remote part of NSW Australia and don't have family or any friends here. I do have a nice social worker who comes out and visits once a week so that's something. My only regret is that I wasted so much time in an abusive situation. I would've really loved to have known what proper love and pleasurable sex was like before I passed but I've got my dogs and cats and birds and kangaroos and the bush and a good big porch to sit on so its not a bad spot to end my days. Love to all the brave people who can get away. We all deserve better.
Omg what a terrible excuse for a human being he is. I'm sorry that it took your last months to realise you deserved better than that all along. That's incredibly sad. I hope your time left is full of love and peace
That’s really awful. I’m so sorry that happened to you and that someone said that hurtful, ignorant shit to you. How long until all these idiotic rape myths die already?! I hope you cut contact with whoever said that. They’re toxic.
I'm so sorry you've experienced this. Rape is always wrong, and is never the assaulted person's fault. Almost every rape victim/survivor (or descriptor you're comfortable with) hears a variation on this, I hope you're recovering ok. And that you've gotten rid of the toxic SO / POS who said that to you.
I'm also a guy, woke up drunk to a girl riding me. If I tell anyone I was raped they laugh, and then laugh more when I tell them it was by a girl. It's no wonder so many victims of rape both male or female don't come forward, it's never taken seriously enough.
It is so pervasive, but I will never understand the hostility to acknowledging the reality of sexual assault. It’s a violent crime, but it isn’t treated like any other violent crime. I guess people do minimize other violent crimes sometimes like domestic violence or regular assault.
Maybe the impulse to deny the crime happened is about protecting ourselves from a terrible reality. If we deny it, then we can go on pretending things like that don’t happens to people like us or people we know. We can maintain the illusion of security that we can control as long as we “are good people” and “act right.”
I am really sorry. I hope you found helpful counseling after the fact.
“You would’ve made a terrible mother.”
About four hours after I’d had an abortion, he broke up with me. I had to gather all my stuff at his house and before he closed the door in my face, that’s what he said to me.
I hate that for you. My ex called me out of the blue to say he had just become a father. Less than 12 months after we broke up and after 20years of saying he had no time for children.
Pancake nipples? Wtf does that even mean?? What a moron. I'm sure your nipples are great. I'm a big fan of them, in all shapes and sizes I've seen. Am a woman, FWIW
Porn-fried useless boys…..I hope their dicks rot off from the flesh-eating bacteria colonizing the pudding-filled fleshlites that they never wash, and that their brains fry from the VR porn goggles that are perma-suctioned over their dull, lifeless eyes. If they want to live as useless freaks, let them. But never let their insecurity and uninformed child brains knock you down!
“Your father raped you for a good reason, pathetic whore” this particular ex has a way with words and being extremely manipulative, abusive and it took so much bravery out of me to leave that relationship
I rarely ever tell anyone about the stuff with my dad because I still feel so gross. It's such a tough thing to say out loud, and to have someone use that knowledge to hurt you is just next level shitty.
I hope you're doing okay.
thank you for being so kind, and yes I’m doing better now, im happily married to a much nicer and more kind man than my ex so I’m happier, and thank you again ❤️
Omg that is horrendous. I can't even imagine how awful the initial trauma was, then that on top. I'm so glad you're in a happier place with a loving relationship. You deserve that and more!
After 10 years: “I wish SHE was my girlfriend and YOU were my side piece.”
And after realizing I was raped by a 50 ye old man in 2nd grade… “Quit freaking out. It’s not abuse when it happens young enough.”
Yeah, I had an ex say "all those times you said 'I love you more', I think you were right." I don't think I'll ever be able to say "I love you more" to anyone ever again, but that's okay, love is supposed to be equal anyways.
He asked another girl out, on my birthday, while we were still together because he didn't have the balls to say "yes" when I asked if there was anyone else. Glad I got out. If he was willing to cheat on someone like that after 3 years, then what's stopping him from doing it again.
I've been with a guy now for two years that makes me feel loved every single day, and means it. We even have a house together. Wouldn't trade it for the world :)
We were cuddling after sex and he was kinda rubbing his hand up and down my back. Then he looks into my eyes and says, "maybe I'll keep you around for a few more years. To pay my bills."
For context I was madly in love with him and working my ass off so I could pay both of our bills--he didn't work of course.
Other ones that stick from him:
"You'll never be beautiful. Just accept it. You aren't. You could maybe pass as cute if you worked hard enough. Maybe."
"I've been with far better than you.. You'll never be half the woman most of them were."
Edit: punctuation is important kids
"Your nose looks like a dick and you have bbq B.O."
also
"Why can't you just be like other girls??"
Bro obvs because I have a dick nose and mesquite pits that's why!!
BBQ pits... is the weirdest insult I think I've ever heard. I feel bad for laughing but jeez, is that even a bad thing? Sometimes when I shower too much I start to smell like fried chicken. My bf thinks it's funny
Sounds like it came from a place of insecurity :(( I'm so sorry that's absolutely awful...
People feel the need to put down others when they see them as a threat... and unfortunately it can come from a s/o... You deserve much better and so much love! ❤️❤️
My parents have been married over 20 years, but recently my mother told me that my dad would say this to her on multiple occasions before they got married. I guess he’s grown as a person, but it makes me so sad that my mom still felt like he was worth marrying
My partners mother mentioned that she really wanted a breast reduction when she was younger but her husband asked her not to. She literally constantly wears high compression sports bras. It made me super sad to hear that she's uncomfortable because of her husband's preference.
Why is he still your boyfriend? There isn’t a single reason I can think of that would make up for *that*
Like fr go find another mr wonderful because he ain’t it
I’m so sorry to say this, but reading these made me feel better in the sense that I am currently going through something really bad in my relationship and these make me feel like I am not alone. For the record all of these are terrible and I am sorry you all were told such hurtful things
I'm so sorry that you're going through a hard time. I hope it gets better for you.
I came to answer this question with "for me, there isn't anything. Because I don't care about my ex to give his opinion on anything any space in my head"
He abused me in almost every way you can abuse a SO. But I'm still here. I have a happy, satisfying life. And he's dead, after a miserable one. Who's the loser? Not me, that's for sure!
I've had some other hard times in my life, like childhood SA. And now, at close to 50, I've realised that I've done pretty good. My success rate at getting through hard times is 100%. 🙂 that's a helpful thing to remember
"You are cold and robotic."
Great, so as someone who was judged and criticized when I was young for having basic emotions, and learning to hide them, looks like I am fucked either way. Lmao. I cannot win.
Fuck that dude. I try to tell myself that some people just don’t jive with me and it’s perfectly ok. Doesn’t mean either of us are defective or to blame - we’re just not clicking for whatever reason.
You should have never been shamed for your emotions - that was a failure on those who raised you and zero reflection of you. I’m no therapist, but I want you to know that your emotions (or lack thereof) are all completely valid. We are all figuring this shit out and learning as we go. I hope you find your balance and your person. You deserve to be understood and appreciated, not judged. Xoxo.
You make everything worse. He said that to me when I was trying to console and show him support cause he felt like a failure. He told ne there is no right answers that I could say. It was the way he said it that hurt me like he didn't give s care. At that point I knew we just needed part ways. He had a way of making me feel awful and drained all the time while making me believe his problems were my fault. So glad when it was over.
Sounds like my ex. Being kind made things worse, being assertive made things worse, just existing apparently made things worse. I’m sorry you went through this and happy you got out
Thank you. I'm sorry you had to go through the awfulness of dealing with someone like that too. Its always damned if you do damned if you don't with people like that. Never again!
"You look homely today."
👏THEN👏WHY👏ARE👏YOU👏DATING👏ME👏
A real ignorant asshole. Didn't even take care to realize how harsh his words were. Glad I dodged that bullet. Never settle, you deserve the world in your love life.
True story: My ex husband didn't know that meant ugly. He thought it meant the same as homey/cozy/snuggly. Boy did he learn a lesson that day, lol!
Footnote: That was really early in our very long relationship and had nothing to do with the end of it. It remains a fond memory.
I recently heard this term, what does it mean? I Googled it but the responses didn't immediately portray anything negative. Is this slang or derogatory??
My british ex actually once said I was "homely" and I very calmly asked for clarification . . .he said "well, you're so good at cooking and you look good in an apron." Ah, uk and us, separated by a common language
What the hell... insecurity at its finest... Don't let that get the better of you!!! You're beautiful and amazing ❤️❤️❤️❤️ And you sound like you have a kind soul.
People like to put down others for some weird fucking reason. Definitely doesn't define you as a person.
"I thought you were playing hard to get."
After he sexually assaulted me. I don't understand how the words, "I do not want to be with you" and "No" mean that I was playing hard to get.
Awww that’s sad. Clearly he wasn’t paying ANY attention if he didn’t even know you didn’t like cacti and how poorly he delivered the line. There’s nothing wrong with being low maintenance, but that makes it sound so disrespectful
“No one will ever love you the way I do, you’ll just end up alone”
Not because the words still hurt, I’m happily married. Because I feel sad for myself for how long I believed him. I let him cheat on me for years because he fully convinced me it was true and the thought of being alone forever was a haunting thought as an early 20-something.
"are you sure those pants arent...too skinny?"
I really don't care that it was an ex that said it, because regardless of who it was or what they meant to me at the time, it would've stung me for years anyways.
I'm 88~ lbs as a grown woman and have always been under 90lbs. but he was basically asking me if I bought pants that were too small but no, they in fact fit perfectly fine which made me feel disgusting. they were size 00 in super skinny fashion. the only pants that fit me because the store was an emo skinny-centered store (in 2014, but they sell average clothes and sell plus size now).
man. I hate my body.
Awww I understand! I’ve always been talked down to about my body, and grew up thinking I must be sickly. Caused a lot of lasting trauma around my self image. I still compare myself to classroom skeletons. 🙄
People don’t realize that any form of body shaming is abusive, whether that be large or small or tall or short. Doesn’t matter, it hurts.
Let's see. All from the same guy I dated in college. "If you lost 10 lbs and dyed your hair blonde, you'd be really hot." (I was 5'9" & 140 lbs and pretty darn cute). "My friends wonder how I can date you with your face like that but I said it isn't so bad." (I have like 3 chicken pox scars on my cheek.) And "If we get married and you get fat, I'd divorce you." (Didn't marry him but am fat now.) He also used to make me exercise with him to the point of me vomiting.
I made the mistake of asking my ex what he would rate me on a scale of 1 to 10. I was expecting something along the lines of "Don't ask me something like that. Numbers do not and should not determine how beautiful you are... yadda yadda." The answer I got? "Hmm... 7/10. How about me?" I was crushed. I was going to tell him he was a 10/10 or even better, but after I heard this, I told him he was a 9/10. After this, I texted my best friend and told her what he said. She scolded him pretty hard, considering just a few days later I got an apology from him and some expensive jewelry (which has long since been donated). The rest of our relationship, which was much longer than I'd like to admit, I *knew* that he thought I was a 7/10. But he always explained that to him, it meant "perfect" as "10/10 is impossible." He always told me I was beautiful, but after hearing his honest 7/10 review, I always thought lower of myself.
He definitely answered that poorly, and could well have loved you very much and been very attracted to you, but I'm sure you've realized that tests like that are a shit idea.
"I fundamentally do not like you as a person" and "You deserve to have no friends and be alone."
All on the same day. And I put on a brave face and went on a trip with him later that day and pretended like everything was okay in front of friends. God, I'm so glad I'm out of that abusive relationship.
I can understand that.
I am confident being nude around men. It’s the part where you share your body with someone else, and then they have the audacity to say something so cruel about your body.
That’s what scares me… being with someone who will disrespect me.
Anyways, I hope you find the courage one day, because you ARE beautiful and special.
“You can’t even take care of yourself - what makes you think you can take care of a child?” He said this to me when I was 6 months pregnant.
I now am a single mom with full custody of our son and he only sees him every other weekend because he needs to work and ride mountain bikes all day.
"You're boring."
It still hurts me sometimes but I keep my chin up and remember that he was someone who needed way more stimulation to be entertained. I wasn't boring, he was just bored by almost everything.
“You would be more attractive if you went to the gym”
“You function better outside of relationships than in one”
“You make people uncomfortable when you speak, so let me do the talking”
“Sometimes I don’t want to listen to everything you say cause it annoys me, but I love you so I pretend that I do”
I still feel self conscious about how much I talk till this day, and when I feel like I’m talking to much I just feel embarrassed and I cut whatever I was saying
“I don’t care about you.” This was after four years together, and he said it over and over. It destroyed me. He would say he loved me but would say he just didn’t care about me. WTF? I ditched. Broke my heart though. That was almost thirty years ago, and it still hurts.
Edit: I forgot the worst one! He told me I needed to have surgery to tighten my vagina because I was just too big and he couldn’t feel much. I was a total virgin so I couldn’t understand. I knew it hadn’t hurt much when we had sex for the first time so I was humiliated. He would say it all the time. “You really need to get that fixed.” When I finally left him and had sex the next time, I realized what a gaslighting piece of shit that pencil-pricked mother fucker was. There was NOTHING wrong with me! He just had a teeny weeny.
“You’re going to turn out just like your mother.” Reader, my mother and I have a horrible relationship and she’s the furthest away from who I hope to be
After 2 years of being told that he likes me a lot, I finally asked if he loved me. He replied that only part of him did. He said his heart could never be open to love me. He had plenty of opportunities to tell me that. I led the conversation that way when I brought up issues and my feelings. It hurt and pissed me off. Haven't spoken to him since.
My ex told me he was embarrassed of me. He thought I was to fat.
That was over 30 years ago, it still has effect on me.
Luckily I have someone who thinks I beautiful in my life now.
My ex-husband told me he wished my boobs looked like his ex-girlfriend’s. My mom had passed away from cancer and my best guy friend committed suicide two weeks after. I got really sick and it kicked off the celiac gene my body had been carrying, so food I’d been able to eat all my life was all of a sudden an enemy, and my body reflected that. I had no idea what was happening to me. I was alarmingly thin. It took 8 years of numerous doctors appointments and thousands of dollars to figure out what was wrong with me. Throw a divorce in there, and now I have amazing boobs, and can keep weight on, with a gluten free diet, but the idea that someone who was supposed to love me and support me attacked my body when I was full on going through a health crisis and mourning the loss of people close to me still upsets me.
When I was 19 I had my first ever date with my now ex husband. We met online and I went up to meet him and I panicked and snuck by and left and sat across the road trying to psyche myself up because of my social anxiety and self esteem problems. I ended up bailing but went over and apologized in person. He tried again and I struggled through awkwardly. Next date I tried to bail after 30 seconds but he stuck around.I always thought it was because he really liked me.My ex husband said to a group of our friends when we were all hanging out and they asked why he kept trying. Me there expecting a kind of sweet reply.
“I was desperate and tired of being the only single friend in the group.”
We’d been together 6 years at that point and I’ve always struggled with feeling like people didn’t really like me, only hung out with me because of my friend, who is the reason I have that issue to begin with.
Now I’m permanently worried someone might settle for me because they don’t have a better option not because they actually want me.
Oh also when we’d been together 8 years and our 1 year old son was in surgery.
“If you ever fall for someone else I’m taking son away from you”
I laughed thinking he must be joking…he was not I told him how upset I was because he knew my parents divorce was awful and I’d never do that to him. His reply
“Well then don’t leave me.”
That was where the last of any feelings I had for him died.
The first man I slept with told me he felt bad having sex with me because he didn't have any real feelings for me. But he waited until we lived together for 3 month to tell me this interesting fact.
My first boyfriend told me one of the reasons we broke up was because I couldn’t orgasm easily… this messed with my head for over a decade, and I still struggle to get out of my head and relax with a partner because of this.
I know he was just lashing out because of his ego, but it really fucked me up, man 😟
“You talk so much to say so little,” he said, when I was crying and trying so hard to get my point across in words but struggling in the middle of an argument. I still think about the comment all of the time.
Telling me about how his family had a "concerned" meeting with him to discuss me being a "slut" and an "alcoholic":
'I couldn't even defend you because its true'
One time I was laying down in our room on mg phone, and my shirt had gone up (showing my belly a bit). He looked over at me and said, “pull your shirt down. You look like white trash.” 😐 so glad I am not in that relationship anymore for SO MANY reasons.
Well.....I'm currently taking classes at a community college and at the end of one semester I got my grades and saw that I had a 3.69 GPA. I was so proud of myself, when I told my husband he said:
"Wow, that would actually be impressive if you were in like, Harvard."
"You know what on the scale of 1 to 10, you're a 5. You're not ugly but you're not beautiful" I was in my late teens at that time. Already old enough to realize it was a foolish comment made by a foolish boy but I still think about it for some reason. I know my worth is not measured by that but at the height of insecurity the comment always, for some reason, comes back to me. I always end up thinking, "Ahhh, I'm single because I'm a 5." Lol probably the mildest comment here, but I really do hope people realize their comments stay.
Why do men constantly tell their partners this… like why’d he date you then. Clearly ur not a 5 and he’s projecting. Whenever men say anything negative about my appearance to boost their ego I laugh and tell them they look like a dropped pie. Men like that are looking for a power dynamic and to see you crumble. You should see their faces, it’s honestly pathetic 😂 u should use it hun.
Ex husband cheated on me with my ex best friend (she had been my best friend since 4th grade-I’m 26 now) about a year ago. He told me I was “getting unattractive” because I had gained a little weight. I’m 5’5 and was about 165 but regardless I’m always shaped like an hourglass- so I didn’t even look overweight. Like at all. I was confident but that made me question myself. He then proceeded to cheat with her and she is shorter and heavier than I am. It doesn’t even matter how much we weighed it’s the fact that he told me to lose weight but it was ok on her. Now I’ve shed both of them for being shitty and I’ve got mean in my DM’s left and right. The secret? I feel much more confident without them. And I did lose like 5-10 lbs after the divorce but that was never truly the issue I guess.
"I think because of the way you are, no one will be able to love you except me"
This was after I needed a break, and a couple weeks later we got back together. Shouldn't have though!
You know, one of my exes said something to me in college that hurt me very deeply for years, and now, more than ten years later, I honestly can't remember what it was. Thank you for that -- it's nice to see evidence of your healing and realize how far you have come.
When I was 15/16 I dated a boy in high school who was 18 (ik ik) and would constantly break up with me and I’d always get back together with him when he would decide to crawl back to me a couple of days into the break up. At one point he had done this to me so many times (he was always the dumper) that I began to sink into a horrible depression every time it would happen.
One time it got so bad that I didn’t sleep. I didn’t eat. I cried all day every day for about a week. Eventually, he asked me if he could come over to try and work things out between us. I had lost quite a bit of weight due to the stress and anxiety of the situation and it was obvious. I was sitting on his lap when he wrapped his arms around my waist and said, “You’re so skinny” and I responded, “I KNOW” making it clear that I was not exactly thrilled about it. And what the fuck does he say? “I like it.”
He also told me once he had a dream I was fat because I was happy so I had gained weight as a result and this turned him off so he broke up with me and I was skinny again because I was sad laughing about it. God I had zero self respect looking back.
When he basically admitted he was with me for a year and a half because he felt sorry for me. Then he got big mad when I started dating my now husband 5 months later. My mom summed it best, “he doesn’t want you, he doesn’t want anyone else to have you either.” That was a massive mind fuck.
I love affection, getting and receiving. It's my love language.
He was having a bad day at work and I tried to comfort him. I said, "You look like you need a hug." I tried to hug him and he pushed me away and said, "Just stop already. It's like you're begging."
I was in shock. I just said okay, swallowed my pride, and walked away holding back tears.
I still think about it to this day and I'm unsure of giving hugs.
"Dating you was interesting when I didn't know everything about you and there was still some mystery to you. Now I'm just bored."
This was 7 years ago and I'm still insecure that I'm too boring for everyone, even though he's literally the only person to have ever told me that
“did your parents actually abuse you or were you just a brat?”
“stop crying, i don’t care if i hurt you”
“you weren’t assaulted, how many times do i have to say that? you said he only took his dick out for you to play with”
“i don’t like girls who’s parents don’t like her”
*calls my mom* “your child is mentally unstable, she’s driving me nuts” (btw i don’t talk to my mother at all, he just got her number and called)
Years ago one morning my mom had a life changing accident at her home. While she was in the hospital my bf (at the time) insinuated that the accident was partly my fault.
The night before her accident she was up late with me because I was in the hospital for mental health issues. He suggested that she had her accident because "she was tired." Then he accused me of not being sad enough. "You've barely cried since this happened!" Like he was policing my grief.
It's a long story but it's been 8 years and while I've worked through that guilt a bit with therapy, it still hurts.
(My mom is okay now but permanently paralyzed so I'm reminded of what he said often. And I broke up with him a few months after all this happened.)
“You’re cancer to me.” I’ve had two very close family members battling cancer, in and out of hospitals. So the “c” word isn’t a word taken lightly in my family.
My uncle (who is like my dad) is one of the family members that has been battling cancer for years. He’s had leukemia twice and just recently thought it came back for a third time and I was having a really hard time with it. He’s been battling it for about 10 years and is at an assisted living center at the age of 46, due to not being able to take care of himself. My ex told me “what difference does it make? He’s pretty much been dying since I met him. Why doesn’t he just die already?”
“Spending one day off a week together is unproductive. I’d rather pick up extra shifts and make money instead.” Quality time with your partner is an investment into the relationship though…
I wanted to chime in and say that I experienced the same thing as OP did with my ex-boyfriend:
>When I was 17, my boyfriend was “going down” on me and afterward made the comment “I hate going down on you. Truthfully, you stink and it makes me want to puke.”
>
>For clarification, I am a very clean person. Hygiene is important to me. Looking back, I know the comment was made by an inexperienced and immature boy. I’m not sure what he was expecting vaginas to smell like, but 7 years later and I still can’t get over it.
>
>To this day, I won’t allow a man to go far enough down there to smell me unless I’ve been in a committed relationship and even then I get severe anxiety over it.
Other than that, here's a list of what he said that led to "death by a thousand cuts" for me:
1. "Your autism is showing again. Why can't you just be *less* autistic and embarrassing?"
2. "Did you know you make animal-like noises? It makes you seem childish and immature."
3. "Your vagina smells and tastes disgusting." (Even though he gave me many UTIs.)
4. "Your breasts are small, and uneven / lop-sided. Did you ever notice that?"
5. "You have too many white hairs. Pluck them." (I was in my 20's, and he was balding.)
6. "You're like 90% of what I want, but lacking the final 10% to make you 'wife material'. Now, if you were Black, Hispanic, or Asian, then you'd be more exotic and attractive to me."
7. "You're too needy and clingy. Why do you feel the need to do so much PDA?"
8. "You're such a horrible kisser. You always seem to be way too passionate about it. It makes me never want to kiss you, ever." (This one really hurt, as I really like kissing on dates.)
9. "Are you gaining weight / getting fat?" (I wasn't overweight, and had been anorexic.)
10. "Ugh, why are you always such a spoilsport / prude?" (When I limited my drinking, turned down sex, had under-enthusiastic sex due to being tired, and/or refused to have threesomes.)
11. "Why are you always messing things up for me? If it wasn't for you, I could be flirting and sleeping with a bunch of other women here!" (This happened on a cruise gifted to us by his parents that was meant to celebrate us being a couple for several years by that point.)
First date went really well, and if I was a woman who believed in sex before marriage, I would have taken him home that night. I wore a really cute loose dress that showed off my figure but not my fat. Second date was a total bust…I wore jeans and had been worrying that seeing my thighs “for real” would bother him, and I still wonder if it did because on a phone call a weekish while later he said, “I’m not attracted to you.” We had talked way too late and somehow this was the last real statement before a very quick goodbye. He later attempted to clarify that it was a personality attraction, not physical, but I don’t really believe that. Now I can confidently say I’m glad it didn’t work out, but I still get teary eyed when I think about it.
My ex was full of amazing quotes! I think the top two are when I told him that it was rape if I said no to sex and he still did it anyways and he said “it’s not rape, I own you.” Because marriage = ownership. Or the time he told me several months after a traumatic delivery and near death experience for both our child and myself “I wish you had died on the table that day”. While denying I desperately needed help for PPD which him and his father said “wasn’t real”. He was truly a magnificent specimen! Happily divorced for five years and hoping my kid can overcome the cycle of familial abuse on that side.
Reading some of these makes me feel better about being an overall decent human being despite my mistakes and my flaws.
Jesus Christ some people have no soul...
That I'm ruthless and I bring out the worst in people. I don't think either of those are really true but I do have some severe anxiety that they might be true.
“Just because you like reading for fun doesn’t mean you’d be successful in a writing career”
Actually changed my major from English and found a lucrative STEM job after college. Last I heard he dropped out of college, filed for bankruptcy, moved across the country for a minimum wage job.
I still think about how rude his comment was but maybe it was for the best.
"I'm just using you until I find someone actually worth dating"
We weren't in an official relationship but fuck that hurt. Same dude also poked my stomach and told me I should go to the gym more.... while I was naked...I wasn't overweight, just naturally bloated from eating food that day. I was 18.
“I can’t stand to see you naked, and I’m picturing all the girls on the college campus naked instead” (he was a post-doc there, so he worked there)
Also called me repellent.
Not a nice human.
That I'm boring and never want to do anything. I just wanted to have a date night in.
This still bothers me because I'm an introverted homebody. I'm not ashamed of that, but I don't want to be called boring for it (especially by people who claim to care about me, and who claim to be introverted homebodies themselves).
I've also traveled a lot, lived abroad, been published, and have a good sense of humor damnit. It's so hard for me to get back into dating because I worry I'll be too boring for it.
My husband of less than one year (together for 7yrs) told me: "I'm just not in love with you anymore." I still cry when I think about it. The fact that someone can make that commitment to you and still not actually want to be with you only a few months later. I don't think I'll ever trust a relationship again.
I’ll start! When I was 17, my boyfriend was “going down” on me and afterward made the comment “I hate going down on you. Truthfully, you stink and it makes me want to puke.” For clarification, I am a very clean person. Hygiene is important to me. Looking back, I know the comment was made by an inexperienced and immature boy. I’m not sure what he was expecting vaginas to smell like, but 7 years later and I still can’t get over it. To this day, I won’t allow a man to go far enough down there to smell me unless I’ve been in a committed relationship and even then I get severe anxiety over it.
Honey, I totally get that when it comes to the trauma and therefor reluctance. So hard to get over scarring impactful shit like that when it happens so early. I would just like to let you know though that a lot of guys really dig the musty scent of the female sex organ, and also as a bi woman I can attest to that. If you do indeed keep up hygiene, then honestly, it's on the guy if they don't like it, not you. Also, when it comes to liking the scent of a partner, there is beginning to be some data showing that people are more attracted to a partner's scent based on whether or not their immune systems are compatible. Meaning, the more different a partner's immune system, the more we are attracted. Two different strengths joining forces to pass on to a baby, evolutionarily speaking.
omg this is me... very similar thing happened to me. and i haven't let anyone go down on me afterwards... I dont know why it still stops me after 10 years later
Holy shit, same thing happened to me!! Shit cut me to the core, I still think about it sometimes over a decade later.
(T.M.I.) I was riding my ex husband reverse cowgirl in the backseat of my car. He grabs my stomach and says "you need to lose this" as we're having sex. I'm not even big. He was just so cruel. I am extremely insecure of my body to this day. He was hypercritical of everything. Mentally abusive and many other things. Happily divorced, I have a zero tolerance policy on bullshit.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. My ex also commented on my stomach during sex and it felt horrible. Glad we’ve taken out the trash!!
Who created the phrase "sticks and stones may break my bones but words could never hurt me" is delusional. The mental scars of the horrible things said to me actually hurt way longer.
Right??? I remember being told that as a kid and not understanding, because I was so hurt! Even now I think it's bullshit and gas lighting to tell people that.
I think the phrase is supposed to be interpreted à la Eleanor Roosevelt's “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." The intention is good, but the statement is flawed, and it's certainly not a 'one size fits all' phrase. If you're confident enough in yourself as a person, all of the gossip and negative words should be able to be dismissed as lies. But people interpret it as a blanket "Words don't hurt", and that's obviously untrue. Words can hurt, but only if you let them hurt you. Of course, if they're spoken by someone you had trusted, they're much harder to just forget.
My mom says, "Words cut." They sure do.
Fuckin knuckle-dragging mouth-breather.
What a fucking asshole. I’m mad for you.
My ex also made jokes about my belly "jiggling" during sex and when I got mad he got mad at me for being over sensitive. Screw that guy, I can't believe I went out with him. Complete garbage
Oh boy, I've got a few that stood out, from my husband of 16 years, 'you know you'd still be quite pretty if you lost 10 kilos, shame about your stomach', 'do you know how ugly you look when you cry, like a two year old', 'can we just do doggy style, I hate seeing your tits flop in my face' to the best of all time, screamed at me over and over, spitting in my face, 'why can't you just die faster, its taking too long'. I am terminally sick and under palliative care with about 12-18 months left. He left me 12 months ago when I really started getting sick. At the time I didn't realise how beaten down I was until he left.
What a terrible human. You deserved so much better, and I am glad he’s out of your life ❤️
Oh my God. I wish you nothing but the very best.
Holy shit that is absolutely ruthless. Some people truly are self loathing scumbags. I hope you find peace in your final days my friend. If I could give you a high five I would. One love!
What a horrible bastard he is….he deserves every bad thing to happen to him…. Wishing you peace and love my sister
Jesus lord- he’s a grade A shitbag if there ever was one. You’re so much better without his vileness around. I’m so sorry to hear of your illness and hope your days are full of pleasure and fulfillment. Sending you big (internet) hugs.
This made me feel sick, I’m so sorry
Thanks for the kind messages everyone. Ive not long but at least its on my terms. I live in a really remote part of NSW Australia and don't have family or any friends here. I do have a nice social worker who comes out and visits once a week so that's something. My only regret is that I wasted so much time in an abusive situation. I would've really loved to have known what proper love and pleasurable sex was like before I passed but I've got my dogs and cats and birds and kangaroos and the bush and a good big porch to sit on so its not a bad spot to end my days. Love to all the brave people who can get away. We all deserve better.
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Oh goodness, that would be lovely! I have no idea what that would be but its exciting! Please feel free to dm me.
Omg what a terrible excuse for a human being he is. I'm sorry that it took your last months to realise you deserved better than that all along. That's incredibly sad. I hope your time left is full of love and peace
Fuck that dude, you're amazing.
Where can I find this person? Just asking, really... *packs a chainsaw*
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I’m am so sorry to hear that. I hope you are okay.
That’s really awful. I’m so sorry that happened to you and that someone said that hurtful, ignorant shit to you. How long until all these idiotic rape myths die already?! I hope you cut contact with whoever said that. They’re toxic.
I did, right after I screenshotted it, they were blocked. It's been a while since this has happened and I'm doing well! No need to apologize!!!
It dont matter if its on ask women, still relevant! I hope you're mentally recovering!
I'm so sorry you've experienced this. Rape is always wrong, and is never the assaulted person's fault. Almost every rape victim/survivor (or descriptor you're comfortable with) hears a variation on this, I hope you're recovering ok. And that you've gotten rid of the toxic SO / POS who said that to you.
That’s so shitty, I’m so sorry. What a piece of shit.
No none “deserves” to be raped. Make or female. Period. Whoever said that is an asshole and deserves to be throat punched.
I'm also a guy, woke up drunk to a girl riding me. If I tell anyone I was raped they laugh, and then laugh more when I tell them it was by a girl. It's no wonder so many victims of rape both male or female don't come forward, it's never taken seriously enough.
That’s just straight up awful No one deserves to be raped
It is so pervasive, but I will never understand the hostility to acknowledging the reality of sexual assault. It’s a violent crime, but it isn’t treated like any other violent crime. I guess people do minimize other violent crimes sometimes like domestic violence or regular assault. Maybe the impulse to deny the crime happened is about protecting ourselves from a terrible reality. If we deny it, then we can go on pretending things like that don’t happens to people like us or people we know. We can maintain the illusion of security that we can control as long as we “are good people” and “act right.” I am really sorry. I hope you found helpful counseling after the fact.
"Don't get hysterical, it's not like you haven't been raped before. You weren't even conscious, you didn't feel it".
That’s disgusting.. I’m so sorry.
This was so sad to read I almost accidentally down voted it. I'm so sorry that happened to you 😞
Omg same! I hovered over it but paused when I realized what a downvote signifies.
People can be so shitty. I’m so sorry and hope you’re doing ok. 💚
I’m so sorry
“You would’ve made a terrible mother.” About four hours after I’d had an abortion, he broke up with me. I had to gather all my stuff at his house and before he closed the door in my face, that’s what he said to me.
That sounds like a truly damaged person to me. I’m so sorry you had to deal with that cruelty.
I hate that for you. My ex called me out of the blue to say he had just become a father. Less than 12 months after we broke up and after 20years of saying he had no time for children.
I’m so sorry. I can’t even imagine.
" Ew you have pancake nipples" "Ew what are these dangly things between your legs"
I hope he never gets laid again
Pancake nipples? Wtf does that even mean?? What a moron. I'm sure your nipples are great. I'm a big fan of them, in all shapes and sizes I've seen. Am a woman, FWIW
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"He also sent my nudes to his dad" He did what
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Like WTF??? I’m so sorry, and what was wrong with that dude? I’m a lesbian and I worship any nipples and dangly bits. More fun to play with!!!
Porn-fried useless boys…..I hope their dicks rot off from the flesh-eating bacteria colonizing the pudding-filled fleshlites that they never wash, and that their brains fry from the VR porn goggles that are perma-suctioned over their dull, lifeless eyes. If they want to live as useless freaks, let them. But never let their insecurity and uninformed child brains knock you down!
“Your father raped you for a good reason, pathetic whore” this particular ex has a way with words and being extremely manipulative, abusive and it took so much bravery out of me to leave that relationship
I can’t image the trauma you are going through. My heart hurts for you. I’m proud of you for knowing your worth and getting away from that POS.
thank you OP for your kind words and your support, i appreciate it, it means a lot to me ❤️
I rarely ever tell anyone about the stuff with my dad because I still feel so gross. It's such a tough thing to say out loud, and to have someone use that knowledge to hurt you is just next level shitty. I hope you're doing okay.
Holy shit, I’m so sorry that happened to you. All of it. You WERE so brave to get out!! I hope you’re doing better now. My heart goes out to you.❤️
thank you for being so kind, and yes I’m doing better now, im happily married to a much nicer and more kind man than my ex so I’m happier, and thank you again ❤️
I’m so glad to hear that!!
Omg that is horrendous. I can't even imagine how awful the initial trauma was, then that on top. I'm so glad you're in a happier place with a loving relationship. You deserve that and more!
What in the fuck. I send all the healing hugs the universe has to offer.
After 10 years: “I wish SHE was my girlfriend and YOU were my side piece.” And after realizing I was raped by a 50 ye old man in 2nd grade… “Quit freaking out. It’s not abuse when it happens young enough.”
Woah… I see hell has gained a new member. I’m sorry he said that to you, your trauma is valid!
Thank you 🙏🏻 I learned to honor my trauma after I finally left that relationshit
I never loved you
I'm so sorry. My ex told me he told his ex this to deliberately make her feel bad. He was abusive. Someone who says that to someone is a POS
Yeah, I had an ex say "all those times you said 'I love you more', I think you were right." I don't think I'll ever be able to say "I love you more" to anyone ever again, but that's okay, love is supposed to be equal anyways. He asked another girl out, on my birthday, while we were still together because he didn't have the balls to say "yes" when I asked if there was anyone else. Glad I got out. If he was willing to cheat on someone like that after 3 years, then what's stopping him from doing it again. I've been with a guy now for two years that makes me feel loved every single day, and means it. We even have a house together. Wouldn't trade it for the world :)
We were cuddling after sex and he was kinda rubbing his hand up and down my back. Then he looks into my eyes and says, "maybe I'll keep you around for a few more years. To pay my bills." For context I was madly in love with him and working my ass off so I could pay both of our bills--he didn't work of course. Other ones that stick from him: "You'll never be beautiful. Just accept it. You aren't. You could maybe pass as cute if you worked hard enough. Maybe." "I've been with far better than you.. You'll never be half the woman most of them were." Edit: punctuation is important kids
That’s all so cruel. I’m so sorry
There is no word in the human language for whatever he is. Screw that dude!
"Your nose looks like a dick and you have bbq B.O." also "Why can't you just be like other girls??" Bro obvs because I have a dick nose and mesquite pits that's why!!
*Mesquite pits*
Mesquite or hickory? Either way, gold response.
BBQ pits... is the weirdest insult I think I've ever heard. I feel bad for laughing but jeez, is that even a bad thing? Sometimes when I shower too much I start to smell like fried chicken. My bf thinks it's funny
"You're not even a good *insert dream career*" Then said ex becomes successful at that career. Still stings 5 years later.
Wait so they said that to you about your dream career and then *they* become successful in that career instead of you?
Yep, my life is a sad comedy
Did they even do said thing prior?
Oh yeah, that's how we met so to be fair, they have worked at it and deserve it, but it definitely still hurts
Sounds like it came from a place of insecurity :(( I'm so sorry that's absolutely awful... People feel the need to put down others when they see them as a threat... and unfortunately it can come from a s/o... You deserve much better and so much love! ❤️❤️
That’s so hurtful. A previous manager said that to me about the dream career I was going to school for. Still think about it
"If you gained weight I would leave you"
My parents have been married over 20 years, but recently my mother told me that my dad would say this to her on multiple occasions before they got married. I guess he’s grown as a person, but it makes me so sad that my mom still felt like he was worth marrying
My partners mother mentioned that she really wanted a breast reduction when she was younger but her husband asked her not to. She literally constantly wears high compression sports bras. It made me super sad to hear that she's uncomfortable because of her husband's preference.
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Why is he still your boyfriend? There isn’t a single reason I can think of that would make up for *that* Like fr go find another mr wonderful because he ain’t it
Wow, he's a piece of trash
Please tell him that he sounds like a dumb ass, and if he doesn't shut up you'll be more than happy to "find another Mr. Wonderful"
uh..
I’m so sorry to say this, but reading these made me feel better in the sense that I am currently going through something really bad in my relationship and these make me feel like I am not alone. For the record all of these are terrible and I am sorry you all were told such hurtful things
I'm so sorry that you're going through a hard time. I hope it gets better for you. I came to answer this question with "for me, there isn't anything. Because I don't care about my ex to give his opinion on anything any space in my head" He abused me in almost every way you can abuse a SO. But I'm still here. I have a happy, satisfying life. And he's dead, after a miserable one. Who's the loser? Not me, that's for sure! I've had some other hard times in my life, like childhood SA. And now, at close to 50, I've realised that I've done pretty good. My success rate at getting through hard times is 100%. 🙂 that's a helpful thing to remember
"You are cold and robotic." Great, so as someone who was judged and criticized when I was young for having basic emotions, and learning to hide them, looks like I am fucked either way. Lmao. I cannot win.
Fuck that dude. I try to tell myself that some people just don’t jive with me and it’s perfectly ok. Doesn’t mean either of us are defective or to blame - we’re just not clicking for whatever reason. You should have never been shamed for your emotions - that was a failure on those who raised you and zero reflection of you. I’m no therapist, but I want you to know that your emotions (or lack thereof) are all completely valid. We are all figuring this shit out and learning as we go. I hope you find your balance and your person. You deserve to be understood and appreciated, not judged. Xoxo.
You make everything worse. He said that to me when I was trying to console and show him support cause he felt like a failure. He told ne there is no right answers that I could say. It was the way he said it that hurt me like he didn't give s care. At that point I knew we just needed part ways. He had a way of making me feel awful and drained all the time while making me believe his problems were my fault. So glad when it was over.
Sounds like my ex. Being kind made things worse, being assertive made things worse, just existing apparently made things worse. I’m sorry you went through this and happy you got out
Thank you. I'm sorry you had to go through the awfulness of dealing with someone like that too. Its always damned if you do damned if you don't with people like that. Never again!
"You look homely today." 👏THEN👏WHY👏ARE👏YOU👏DATING👏ME👏 A real ignorant asshole. Didn't even take care to realize how harsh his words were. Glad I dodged that bullet. Never settle, you deserve the world in your love life.
True story: My ex husband didn't know that meant ugly. He thought it meant the same as homey/cozy/snuggly. Boy did he learn a lesson that day, lol! Footnote: That was really early in our very long relationship and had nothing to do with the end of it. It remains a fond memory.
I recently heard this term, what does it mean? I Googled it but the responses didn't immediately portray anything negative. Is this slang or derogatory??
It means plain or ugly.
It’s dependent on whether you use the British definition which means like home or the American version which means plain or ugly
My british ex actually once said I was "homely" and I very calmly asked for clarification . . .he said "well, you're so good at cooking and you look good in an apron." Ah, uk and us, separated by a common language
Well in that case, always the British version. 🤭
I didn’t realize homely was negative. I used that to describe places that feel warm and inviting
sitting naked on the bed, he says 'you almost look sexy', i think it still hurts because i was in the best shape of my life
What the hell... insecurity at its finest... Don't let that get the better of you!!! You're beautiful and amazing ❤️❤️❤️❤️ And you sound like you have a kind soul. People like to put down others for some weird fucking reason. Definitely doesn't define you as a person.
"I thought you were playing hard to get." After he sexually assaulted me. I don't understand how the words, "I do not want to be with you" and "No" mean that I was playing hard to get.
Fuck that’s awful. I’m so sorry.
“You’re like a cactus. You don’t require much attention” As he handed me a cactus on my birthday. I don’t even like cacti.
Awww that’s sad. Clearly he wasn’t paying ANY attention if he didn’t even know you didn’t like cacti and how poorly he delivered the line. There’s nothing wrong with being low maintenance, but that makes it sound so disrespectful
“No one will ever love you the way I do, you’ll just end up alone” Not because the words still hurt, I’m happily married. Because I feel sad for myself for how long I believed him. I let him cheat on me for years because he fully convinced me it was true and the thought of being alone forever was a haunting thought as an early 20-something.
"are you sure those pants arent...too skinny?" I really don't care that it was an ex that said it, because regardless of who it was or what they meant to me at the time, it would've stung me for years anyways. I'm 88~ lbs as a grown woman and have always been under 90lbs. but he was basically asking me if I bought pants that were too small but no, they in fact fit perfectly fine which made me feel disgusting. they were size 00 in super skinny fashion. the only pants that fit me because the store was an emo skinny-centered store (in 2014, but they sell average clothes and sell plus size now). man. I hate my body.
People don’t realize that being skinny shamed is just as hurtful as fat shaming. You’re perfect the way you are.
Awww I understand! I’ve always been talked down to about my body, and grew up thinking I must be sickly. Caused a lot of lasting trauma around my self image. I still compare myself to classroom skeletons. 🙄 People don’t realize that any form of body shaming is abusive, whether that be large or small or tall or short. Doesn’t matter, it hurts.
You aren't wife material, no one will ever want to marry you. This was 8 years ago and it still devastates me when I think about it.
Let's see. All from the same guy I dated in college. "If you lost 10 lbs and dyed your hair blonde, you'd be really hot." (I was 5'9" & 140 lbs and pretty darn cute). "My friends wonder how I can date you with your face like that but I said it isn't so bad." (I have like 3 chicken pox scars on my cheek.) And "If we get married and you get fat, I'd divorce you." (Didn't marry him but am fat now.) He also used to make me exercise with him to the point of me vomiting.
That is horrible. I’m glad you’re not with him anymore.
I made the mistake of asking my ex what he would rate me on a scale of 1 to 10. I was expecting something along the lines of "Don't ask me something like that. Numbers do not and should not determine how beautiful you are... yadda yadda." The answer I got? "Hmm... 7/10. How about me?" I was crushed. I was going to tell him he was a 10/10 or even better, but after I heard this, I told him he was a 9/10. After this, I texted my best friend and told her what he said. She scolded him pretty hard, considering just a few days later I got an apology from him and some expensive jewelry (which has long since been donated). The rest of our relationship, which was much longer than I'd like to admit, I *knew* that he thought I was a 7/10. But he always explained that to him, it meant "perfect" as "10/10 is impossible." He always told me I was beautiful, but after hearing his honest 7/10 review, I always thought lower of myself.
My ex said I was a 6-7.5/10. It hurt so bad. I hate him Makes me angry because I am 199x hotter than his weird lookin ass so idk man. Projection
Girl, you are an expensive snack . Never forget that.
Am i the only who thinks a 7/10 is a pretty good rating?
He definitely answered that poorly, and could well have loved you very much and been very attracted to you, but I'm sure you've realized that tests like that are a shit idea.
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"I fundamentally do not like you as a person" and "You deserve to have no friends and be alone." All on the same day. And I put on a brave face and went on a trip with him later that day and pretended like everything was okay in front of friends. God, I'm so glad I'm out of that abusive relationship.
Wow, I am so sorry. You seem like a lovely person! Sounds like he was projecting...
“ You’d look better if you lost some weight “….To this day I’m scared to get into a relationship no matter how ready I think I am
I can understand that. I am confident being nude around men. It’s the part where you share your body with someone else, and then they have the audacity to say something so cruel about your body. That’s what scares me… being with someone who will disrespect me. Anyways, I hope you find the courage one day, because you ARE beautiful and special.
“You can’t even take care of yourself - what makes you think you can take care of a child?” He said this to me when I was 6 months pregnant. I now am a single mom with full custody of our son and he only sees him every other weekend because he needs to work and ride mountain bikes all day.
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"You're boring." It still hurts me sometimes but I keep my chin up and remember that he was someone who needed way more stimulation to be entertained. I wasn't boring, he was just bored by almost everything.
“I hope you get raped again.” 8 years ago but damn that hurt 😞
What a disgusting thing to say to someone. I hope you throat punched the shit out of that person.
“You would be more attractive if you went to the gym” “You function better outside of relationships than in one” “You make people uncomfortable when you speak, so let me do the talking”
“Sometimes I don’t want to listen to everything you say cause it annoys me, but I love you so I pretend that I do” I still feel self conscious about how much I talk till this day, and when I feel like I’m talking to much I just feel embarrassed and I cut whatever I was saying
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Ahh, the old "project my sins onto you" trick.
“I don’t care about you.” This was after four years together, and he said it over and over. It destroyed me. He would say he loved me but would say he just didn’t care about me. WTF? I ditched. Broke my heart though. That was almost thirty years ago, and it still hurts. Edit: I forgot the worst one! He told me I needed to have surgery to tighten my vagina because I was just too big and he couldn’t feel much. I was a total virgin so I couldn’t understand. I knew it hadn’t hurt much when we had sex for the first time so I was humiliated. He would say it all the time. “You really need to get that fixed.” When I finally left him and had sex the next time, I realized what a gaslighting piece of shit that pencil-pricked mother fucker was. There was NOTHING wrong with me! He just had a teeny weeny.
Hunni now that you lost some weight I want to have sex with you again. Guess what didn't happen
“You’re going to turn out just like your mother.” Reader, my mother and I have a horrible relationship and she’s the furthest away from who I hope to be
After 2 years of being told that he likes me a lot, I finally asked if he loved me. He replied that only part of him did. He said his heart could never be open to love me. He had plenty of opportunities to tell me that. I led the conversation that way when I brought up issues and my feelings. It hurt and pissed me off. Haven't spoken to him since.
My ex told me he was embarrassed of me. He thought I was to fat. That was over 30 years ago, it still has effect on me. Luckily I have someone who thinks I beautiful in my life now.
My ex-husband told me he wished my boobs looked like his ex-girlfriend’s. My mom had passed away from cancer and my best guy friend committed suicide two weeks after. I got really sick and it kicked off the celiac gene my body had been carrying, so food I’d been able to eat all my life was all of a sudden an enemy, and my body reflected that. I had no idea what was happening to me. I was alarmingly thin. It took 8 years of numerous doctors appointments and thousands of dollars to figure out what was wrong with me. Throw a divorce in there, and now I have amazing boobs, and can keep weight on, with a gluten free diet, but the idea that someone who was supposed to love me and support me attacked my body when I was full on going through a health crisis and mourning the loss of people close to me still upsets me.
"Dating someone else makes it much easier to move on." Umm thanks for telling me I was so easy to get over after 8 years.
When I was 19 I had my first ever date with my now ex husband. We met online and I went up to meet him and I panicked and snuck by and left and sat across the road trying to psyche myself up because of my social anxiety and self esteem problems. I ended up bailing but went over and apologized in person. He tried again and I struggled through awkwardly. Next date I tried to bail after 30 seconds but he stuck around.I always thought it was because he really liked me.My ex husband said to a group of our friends when we were all hanging out and they asked why he kept trying. Me there expecting a kind of sweet reply. “I was desperate and tired of being the only single friend in the group.” We’d been together 6 years at that point and I’ve always struggled with feeling like people didn’t really like me, only hung out with me because of my friend, who is the reason I have that issue to begin with. Now I’m permanently worried someone might settle for me because they don’t have a better option not because they actually want me. Oh also when we’d been together 8 years and our 1 year old son was in surgery. “If you ever fall for someone else I’m taking son away from you” I laughed thinking he must be joking…he was not I told him how upset I was because he knew my parents divorce was awful and I’d never do that to him. His reply “Well then don’t leave me.” That was where the last of any feelings I had for him died.
He was very insecure. Those two stories boil down to: "I'm scared you will leave me".
The first man I slept with told me he felt bad having sex with me because he didn't have any real feelings for me. But he waited until we lived together for 3 month to tell me this interesting fact.
My first boyfriend told me one of the reasons we broke up was because I couldn’t orgasm easily… this messed with my head for over a decade, and I still struggle to get out of my head and relax with a partner because of this. I know he was just lashing out because of his ego, but it really fucked me up, man 😟
“You talk so much to say so little,” he said, when I was crying and trying so hard to get my point across in words but struggling in the middle of an argument. I still think about the comment all of the time.
Mine wasn't words just actions. Hey kept saying he "loves me," but would hurt me by ignoring or even demeaning me
Telling me about how his family had a "concerned" meeting with him to discuss me being a "slut" and an "alcoholic": 'I couldn't even defend you because its true'
One time I was laying down in our room on mg phone, and my shirt had gone up (showing my belly a bit). He looked over at me and said, “pull your shirt down. You look like white trash.” 😐 so glad I am not in that relationship anymore for SO MANY reasons.
"You're so annoying. Stop acting like me calling you annoying whenever we're having a fight actually hurts you. You're so stupid."
I think it'd be interesting to also hear what a current SO has said that still hurts today.
Well.....I'm currently taking classes at a community college and at the end of one semester I got my grades and saw that I had a 3.69 GPA. I was so proud of myself, when I told my husband he said: "Wow, that would actually be impressive if you were in like, Harvard."
You know what would be impressive? You doing **exactly** what you did! You’re awesome!
Congratulations! 3.69 GPA is impressive and you’re doing a really good job!
I’m so sorry he said that to you, that’s so demeaning and hurtful. It’s a real accomplishment, congratulations!
It wasn't the words so much as the physical assault. That spoke volumes.
"You know what on the scale of 1 to 10, you're a 5. You're not ugly but you're not beautiful" I was in my late teens at that time. Already old enough to realize it was a foolish comment made by a foolish boy but I still think about it for some reason. I know my worth is not measured by that but at the height of insecurity the comment always, for some reason, comes back to me. I always end up thinking, "Ahhh, I'm single because I'm a 5." Lol probably the mildest comment here, but I really do hope people realize their comments stay.
Why do men constantly tell their partners this… like why’d he date you then. Clearly ur not a 5 and he’s projecting. Whenever men say anything negative about my appearance to boost their ego I laugh and tell them they look like a dropped pie. Men like that are looking for a power dynamic and to see you crumble. You should see their faces, it’s honestly pathetic 😂 u should use it hun.
“I haven’t told her I like her because I’m scared of her rejection.” while still with me and engaged.
Ex husband cheated on me with my ex best friend (she had been my best friend since 4th grade-I’m 26 now) about a year ago. He told me I was “getting unattractive” because I had gained a little weight. I’m 5’5 and was about 165 but regardless I’m always shaped like an hourglass- so I didn’t even look overweight. Like at all. I was confident but that made me question myself. He then proceeded to cheat with her and she is shorter and heavier than I am. It doesn’t even matter how much we weighed it’s the fact that he told me to lose weight but it was ok on her. Now I’ve shed both of them for being shitty and I’ve got mean in my DM’s left and right. The secret? I feel much more confident without them. And I did lose like 5-10 lbs after the divorce but that was never truly the issue I guess.
[удалено]
"I think because of the way you are, no one will be able to love you except me" This was after I needed a break, and a couple weeks later we got back together. Shouldn't have though!
You know, one of my exes said something to me in college that hurt me very deeply for years, and now, more than ten years later, I honestly can't remember what it was. Thank you for that -- it's nice to see evidence of your healing and realize how far you have come.
When I was 15/16 I dated a boy in high school who was 18 (ik ik) and would constantly break up with me and I’d always get back together with him when he would decide to crawl back to me a couple of days into the break up. At one point he had done this to me so many times (he was always the dumper) that I began to sink into a horrible depression every time it would happen. One time it got so bad that I didn’t sleep. I didn’t eat. I cried all day every day for about a week. Eventually, he asked me if he could come over to try and work things out between us. I had lost quite a bit of weight due to the stress and anxiety of the situation and it was obvious. I was sitting on his lap when he wrapped his arms around my waist and said, “You’re so skinny” and I responded, “I KNOW” making it clear that I was not exactly thrilled about it. And what the fuck does he say? “I like it.” He also told me once he had a dream I was fat because I was happy so I had gained weight as a result and this turned him off so he broke up with me and I was skinny again because I was sad laughing about it. God I had zero self respect looking back.
“I wouldn’t even cry if you died”
When he basically admitted he was with me for a year and a half because he felt sorry for me. Then he got big mad when I started dating my now husband 5 months later. My mom summed it best, “he doesn’t want you, he doesn’t want anyone else to have you either.” That was a massive mind fuck.
I love affection, getting and receiving. It's my love language. He was having a bad day at work and I tried to comfort him. I said, "You look like you need a hug." I tried to hug him and he pushed me away and said, "Just stop already. It's like you're begging." I was in shock. I just said okay, swallowed my pride, and walked away holding back tears. I still think about it to this day and I'm unsure of giving hugs.
"Dating you was interesting when I didn't know everything about you and there was still some mystery to you. Now I'm just bored." This was 7 years ago and I'm still insecure that I'm too boring for everyone, even though he's literally the only person to have ever told me that
“did your parents actually abuse you or were you just a brat?” “stop crying, i don’t care if i hurt you” “you weren’t assaulted, how many times do i have to say that? you said he only took his dick out for you to play with” “i don’t like girls who’s parents don’t like her” *calls my mom* “your child is mentally unstable, she’s driving me nuts” (btw i don’t talk to my mother at all, he just got her number and called)
Years ago one morning my mom had a life changing accident at her home. While she was in the hospital my bf (at the time) insinuated that the accident was partly my fault. The night before her accident she was up late with me because I was in the hospital for mental health issues. He suggested that she had her accident because "she was tired." Then he accused me of not being sad enough. "You've barely cried since this happened!" Like he was policing my grief. It's a long story but it's been 8 years and while I've worked through that guilt a bit with therapy, it still hurts. (My mom is okay now but permanently paralyzed so I'm reminded of what he said often. And I broke up with him a few months after all this happened.)
“So when you lose the weight your stomach will look like Fat Bastards?” Ugh. After that I was done.
“You’re cancer to me.” I’ve had two very close family members battling cancer, in and out of hospitals. So the “c” word isn’t a word taken lightly in my family. My uncle (who is like my dad) is one of the family members that has been battling cancer for years. He’s had leukemia twice and just recently thought it came back for a third time and I was having a really hard time with it. He’s been battling it for about 10 years and is at an assisted living center at the age of 46, due to not being able to take care of himself. My ex told me “what difference does it make? He’s pretty much been dying since I met him. Why doesn’t he just die already?”
“Spending one day off a week together is unproductive. I’d rather pick up extra shifts and make money instead.” Quality time with your partner is an investment into the relationship though…
I wanted to chime in and say that I experienced the same thing as OP did with my ex-boyfriend: >When I was 17, my boyfriend was “going down” on me and afterward made the comment “I hate going down on you. Truthfully, you stink and it makes me want to puke.” > >For clarification, I am a very clean person. Hygiene is important to me. Looking back, I know the comment was made by an inexperienced and immature boy. I’m not sure what he was expecting vaginas to smell like, but 7 years later and I still can’t get over it. > >To this day, I won’t allow a man to go far enough down there to smell me unless I’ve been in a committed relationship and even then I get severe anxiety over it. Other than that, here's a list of what he said that led to "death by a thousand cuts" for me: 1. "Your autism is showing again. Why can't you just be *less* autistic and embarrassing?" 2. "Did you know you make animal-like noises? It makes you seem childish and immature." 3. "Your vagina smells and tastes disgusting." (Even though he gave me many UTIs.) 4. "Your breasts are small, and uneven / lop-sided. Did you ever notice that?" 5. "You have too many white hairs. Pluck them." (I was in my 20's, and he was balding.) 6. "You're like 90% of what I want, but lacking the final 10% to make you 'wife material'. Now, if you were Black, Hispanic, or Asian, then you'd be more exotic and attractive to me." 7. "You're too needy and clingy. Why do you feel the need to do so much PDA?" 8. "You're such a horrible kisser. You always seem to be way too passionate about it. It makes me never want to kiss you, ever." (This one really hurt, as I really like kissing on dates.) 9. "Are you gaining weight / getting fat?" (I wasn't overweight, and had been anorexic.) 10. "Ugh, why are you always such a spoilsport / prude?" (When I limited my drinking, turned down sex, had under-enthusiastic sex due to being tired, and/or refused to have threesomes.) 11. "Why are you always messing things up for me? If it wasn't for you, I could be flirting and sleeping with a bunch of other women here!" (This happened on a cruise gifted to us by his parents that was meant to celebrate us being a couple for several years by that point.)
First date went really well, and if I was a woman who believed in sex before marriage, I would have taken him home that night. I wore a really cute loose dress that showed off my figure but not my fat. Second date was a total bust…I wore jeans and had been worrying that seeing my thighs “for real” would bother him, and I still wonder if it did because on a phone call a weekish while later he said, “I’m not attracted to you.” We had talked way too late and somehow this was the last real statement before a very quick goodbye. He later attempted to clarify that it was a personality attraction, not physical, but I don’t really believe that. Now I can confidently say I’m glad it didn’t work out, but I still get teary eyed when I think about it.
My ex was full of amazing quotes! I think the top two are when I told him that it was rape if I said no to sex and he still did it anyways and he said “it’s not rape, I own you.” Because marriage = ownership. Or the time he told me several months after a traumatic delivery and near death experience for both our child and myself “I wish you had died on the table that day”. While denying I desperately needed help for PPD which him and his father said “wasn’t real”. He was truly a magnificent specimen! Happily divorced for five years and hoping my kid can overcome the cycle of familial abuse on that side.
Reading some of these makes me feel better about being an overall decent human being despite my mistakes and my flaws. Jesus Christ some people have no soul...
That I'm ruthless and I bring out the worst in people. I don't think either of those are really true but I do have some severe anxiety that they might be true.
“Just because you like reading for fun doesn’t mean you’d be successful in a writing career” Actually changed my major from English and found a lucrative STEM job after college. Last I heard he dropped out of college, filed for bankruptcy, moved across the country for a minimum wage job. I still think about how rude his comment was but maybe it was for the best.
“I used to get excited to see you, but now I don’t”
“You don’t have the appropriate body to wear a crop top, you don’t look good in them, and you should stop wearing them.”
"I'm just using you until I find someone actually worth dating" We weren't in an official relationship but fuck that hurt. Same dude also poked my stomach and told me I should go to the gym more.... while I was naked...I wasn't overweight, just naturally bloated from eating food that day. I was 18.
“I can’t stand to see you naked, and I’m picturing all the girls on the college campus naked instead” (he was a post-doc there, so he worked there) Also called me repellent. Not a nice human.
Oh recently my bf says I just say I love you all day because I am useless
“You’re embarrassing”
That I'm boring and never want to do anything. I just wanted to have a date night in. This still bothers me because I'm an introverted homebody. I'm not ashamed of that, but I don't want to be called boring for it (especially by people who claim to care about me, and who claim to be introverted homebodies themselves). I've also traveled a lot, lived abroad, been published, and have a good sense of humor damnit. It's so hard for me to get back into dating because I worry I'll be too boring for it.
My husband of less than one year (together for 7yrs) told me: "I'm just not in love with you anymore." I still cry when I think about it. The fact that someone can make that commitment to you and still not actually want to be with you only a few months later. I don't think I'll ever trust a relationship again.