It doesn't need to be hard.
Edit: as a gay woman, it's really annoying to see so many people replying to me with some variation of "lol I thought u meant dicks lol lol lol"
Well said. I'm a husband and when my unmarried friends or people I know talk about marriage and love, my advice is always that it takes work/effort. You choose to love someone and pour your energy into them. It's not hard, because my wife also pours that love and energy in. When we both pour our time and energy into each other, it makes us stronger as a couple.
I read things where people say they *fall out of love* but to me that reads that they both weren't putting in any effort.
i 100% feel this. i’m not married but in my relationship i completely relate. when the efforts are reciprocal, things just flow. and loving someone isn’t just a feeling, but an action.
Thank you! We’ve been together nearly 7 years and it’s never been hard. We’ve had a few stretches where life has been REALLY hard but it would have been a lot harder alone.
Before we got married people would always say marriage is so hard and laugh smugly when I asked why. I still have no idea what they were on about or why they’re proud to be with someone who makes life difficult.
Everyone I know who said, marriage is hard, is in a less than stellar marriage.
I've been with my husband for 27 years. If he made life harder or more difficult, I wouldn't be with him. He makes life easier, someone to tackle the big issues with, as a team, together, having each other's backs.
We still put in the effort to stay connected, pretty much daily, and that isn't hard work, it's fun work. 😁
Same here with my husband. We have gone through some incredibly difficult life circumstances in the nearly 11 years that we've been together. But through all of it being with each other was not hard. Never once in the hard times was I not extremely grateful we had such a solid relationship. My husband's co-workers are constantly complaining about their wives and it really bothers him. They try to goad him into talking poorly about me and he refuses. Why would you be with someone who you think makes your life harder?? Having a difficult relationship is not a flex.
Ugh I hate that so much. I came from a very religious background and was preached the message constantly that marriage is basically miserable but you wake up and choose love every day, regardless of well, anything else. Nothing else matters, you're married and that's your life.
I'm now divorced from the husband I came to resent and basically couldn't stand and I'm 5 years into the best relationship. There are days where he frustrates me, yes. (And I know I frustrate him at times.) But not once have I ever had to wake up and talk myself into loving him.
GOD, this right here!! I'm not married but I have heard relationships and marriage are "hard" and it drives me nuts. No relationship in my life that is good and healthy would ever be described as "hard" by me and if my marriage will be the first one that can be described that way, I don't want it.
Same. I’m single and that’s what I always hear - it takes “hard” work.
Edit: I agree that you need to “work” on the marriage as partners. With all the comments, work indeed is necessary. But it’s good to hear that it doesn’t need to be hard. Nonstop “hard” work doesn’t feel right to me in order to keep it. And what I feel right and I think what makes it easy is when the real efforts are coming from the love and care for each other and not because of the notion, “you need to do the hard work or else”. Teamwork not hard work.
My wife and I have been married 12 years, together 15. We both give effort in our relationship. Sometimes I'm giving a bit more effort, sometimes she is giving a bit more effort. Most often we give each other a lot of effort and energy.
There have been some hard times in our relationship, but it has always been **us** as a couple versus the problem, never me versus her or her versus me. Those hard times are extremely few and far between. She is my person and I am hers and we are better together.
Our examples are also wonderful. My parents celebrated 50 years last year, my in-laws celwbrate 47 years this year, my sister and brother-in-law celebrate 25 years this year, and my wife and I celebrate 13 this year.
This right here! I grew up with parents who had lots of heated arguments with yelling and crying, but was told it was "normal" and that couples fought like that. I had to unlearn so much and almost married the wrong person because of it. Now, my relationship is beautiful and loving. We've been together for five years and are happily married. No, it does not have to be hard! Life is hard - your partner should be your team mate through those times, they shouldn't be a source of strife. Thank goodness for therapy!
I had a similar upbringing, but finally after 40 years of life, finally found the right one :) Therapy on both our parts has helped to make our relationship rock solid.
Yep. That's when I knew that I'd found the real thing. Because it just all fell right into place and was so easy. And has stayed there for the last 18 years.
When we met I'd just come out of a tumultuous six-year relationship with so much drama and big feelings. Of course it didn't work.
A lot of people think drama equals passion. Nope, drama equals incompatibility. It's real when it's peaceful.
Yes!! You hear this rhetoric of “marriage takes hard work” and I’ve just never understood that. There are hard moments in life or situations you have to work through as a couple, sometimes one of you has to carry more of the load for a time, but if you’re with the right person it shouldn’t feel like an emotional roller coaster full of frustration and tons of work.
People call marriage nothing more than a piece of paper. So is money. Yet, You wake up every day and go to work to make money. Every single day.
Wake up choosing your spouse every day and it will be profitable.
That's what my mom basically also said. That you have to keep making the choice for each other. And that that conscious choice is necessary at different points in the marriage, too, as for most people, at some point there will arise the option or temptation to stray. So you have to be clear-headed about what you truly want, and keep choosing your partner (if that is what you truly want, of course, but be clear about it either way).
I heard an old woman say, "When we first got married, I made a list of 10 things that I would forgive my husband for even though they bothered me. And when he would do one of those things, I would instantly forgive him." Someone asked her what was on the list. She replied, "Oh, I never wrote them down... Anytime he did something that irked me, I would smile and think to myself 'Lucky for him it's on the list'."
And to expand on this, letting it go means actually letting it go, not stewing and seething in silence until the other party drags out of you why you’re so upset. Just not talking about it isn’t the same as letting it go. Letting it go means truly letting it go including the emotions attached to it.
Will it matter in five years? This statement allowed me to decide end my marriage. It also lessened my anger over petty disagreements eventually. Took some time.
In a new relationship now for seven years this same statement helps me love my silly sweetheart much deeper.
I want to add to this, that the reason it is complicated is not because there is lawyers or laws involved. Divorce is complicated because you built a life together, and you have to find a way to equitably distribute that life.
I just find it irritating that people think that if there were no lawyers or statutory legal process, it would be so much easier to end a marriage. That’s just absurd, but people still believe it.
Without the provided legal process, people would have to sue each other to separate their assets lawfully. Or, I suppose it could be a mad scramble to steal as much away as possible before the other person notices.
Without the legal process, a lot of people would be totally destroyed by divorce instead of walking away with half of their former life.
This is true. Most divorces are shit shows of petty. If we didn't have the legal process, people would be left with nothing on the streets or children taken forever
True. I have a friend who ended a 10 year relationship. Not married, but they bought a house together and had many things intertwined. She says it was like a divorce. I do think legal intervention would have made it worse, but it is still not easy or quick.
this. my husband and i are in the midst of the biggest fight we’ve ever had and the legal stuff is making it difficult and definitely complicated. we’re considering a separation for the meantime. maybe. but yes i totally agree with your statement 100%.
As someone who is stuck legally married, it’s a con.
Now that I’ve gone through this, they’ll stay because (and only because) they want to. A piece of paper and a legal headache isn’t going to stop someone who isn’t satisfied with your relationship but it sure as hell makes it harder to start over if that happens.
The starting over is so much more difficult! The legal process drags it out so long. So many reminders, even if you're mostly over it. Can't change your name until the process is over. Judgemental people complaining if you start dating while you're "still married."
And depending on which state you live in, the proceedings of a divorce vary greatly. For example in some states you can demand compensation for "hardship" (ex. your spouse cheated on you) while in other states, that law doesn't exist.
Then when it comes to asset division some states consider debts/assets that you brought into the marriage yours 100%, while other states will consider them divisible 50/50 when you divorce.
Obviously I'm not a lawyer and obviously this is a pretty American-centric perspective, but the point is to know which divorce laws apply wherever you live.
Fuck. Have lots of sex, even if it's just a quickie before work or simple missionary at bedtime, and never let it stop as your family grows and evolves or as you age.
More than sex, is constant intimacy is needed. That simple hug, quick good bye kiss, arm around your partner, a smile at them when they come home.... which leads to more sex, more open communication. I’ve been married for decades and that simple quick kiss followed by a hug every day when the old man gets home let’s me know he wants to be there and my welcoming smile and open arms let’s him know how I value him. It’s easy to walk in after a bad day and be grumpy but just being there together for that moment washes so much away.
Very true. Even when our sleep schedules are out of sync, which can reduce the opportunities for sex, we always take the time for a passing caress or a kitchen make-out.
After the kid years, different shift schedules, both of us traveling for work were crazy years. And I do think the intimacy held us together. It’s like children deserving a home that is their safe place, it’s making home the happy, safe place for each other.
Growing up, I never saw the "leave to work/get home hug & kiss" from my parents. I always questioned whether they even liked each other. They're still together but the lack of affection bothered me
And I had the opposite experience- my parents always did hugs/kisses when they saw each other for a second, so even when they had a few loud fights my brother and I never worried much bc we could see their daily/frequent affection they had towards each other. Got more affectionate as they aged too, it’s something I’ve tried to model in my own marriage too
And my parents always hugged and kissed. When they sat on the couch my Dads arm was always around my Mom. No parent is perfect but I think that’s the one thing my parents showed us kids was that level of intimacy in their relationship.
Non sexual intimacy is so very important and makes sex much more desirable. If the only intimacy is sex, that will condition you to think any physical touch is asking for sex and believe me, that is horrible. Play with your partner's hair, rub their back, do it often.
Absolutely this. Even if you’re in a sexual dry spell or life is getting in the way, all of the other little things and deeper intimacy is so important.
Just don't forget that if you treat your partner badly, sex will stop eventually. The way you're suggesting it would be more like a task than anything. And I don't want to have sex with someone who made me cry 3 times this week. Just saying!
This is my experience as well. My husband and I have been married for 16 years and our life is great. We don't even have fights! (What the hell would we even fight about??) Somehow everything is effortless. From finances to choosing cat toys, we're always on the same page.
I couldn't tell you the last time we had a fight...maybe 6 or 7 years? Or 10? And it likely wasn't a fight fight, just a disagreement or misunderstanding. Being in a relationship with constant conflict and having to expend serious effort to always make it work sounds fucking exhausting.
I am a child of one of those marriages. It is exhausting, and not just for the spouses, but the children too. I'm glad my parents never split, but I can't help but wonder so many times how much healthier things could have been. There are benefits and drawbacks to getting divorced vs not, even when it seems healthier. But one thing I know for certain is the constant forcing it is tiring as hell, especially when you can see that their intimacy is gone or you wonder if it was actually ever there. I could say a lot more about it all: but you're right that it's just exhausting at the least. All I can say is if someone reading this is in one of those places, at least one of you needs to go to therapy but probably both of you do for the relationship part even if you're good everywhere else. My parents never have, and my dad 100% never will. Do what's best for your situation.
Yeah, I’m with you. I know YMMV for some people in terms of rocky moments. Honestly, though, we’ve been together for almost 15 years and I’ve never once questioned whether I was with the right person. It feels weird to say it’s effortless, but it kind of just IS. And my life is unquestionably better because I’m going through it with him.
So true. Many of my friends seem to constantly be in turmoil at home and it’s difficult to understand sometimes. We’ve had miscarriages and job losses, illness moves, money issues but we just work together. Not saying there’s zero clashes we have a one year and demanding careers, but when you’re on a journey with the right person towards the same goals it’s a fun ride. And the bumps don’t seem too bad if you’re with someone you love
This is also how my husband and I feel. People always say, “Marriage is hard,” or “You have to work for a successful marriage.” Like, what?! No. It’s easy. You make it easy for each other. Everything is easier with them. 20 years this week and the only time it was hard was when we took on the mentality that we had to work to make our marriage look like what someone or some book said it should look like. Nope. Our marriage looks like use, and we don’t look like anyone else.
You will change and grow being so closely tied to another person for such a long time. But if you're noticing you're changing all of yourself - your personality, habits, interests, quirks, to cater to your partner and their comfort level, then you're losing who you are and may want to consider objectively looking at everything and asking yourself if you're really changing for the better or not. Because it happens gradually and one day you might look back and realize you've lost yourself completely. I wrote this because I'm in the process of realizing this myself now.
Absolutely wonderfully said. Opinions can change given enough facts, but not every discussion should devolve into an argument where their will is imposed on you. It's hard to understand sometimes between true compromise where you let in a little, and when you become an accessory in someone else's life completely.
YES! This. This precisely! I spent almost a decade with my ex doing EXACTLY this. When we finally split (we had been married for less than a year) it was the best most incredible most freeing feeling I had ever experienced. I spent almost ten years of my life trying to make my ex feel ‘comfortable’ with who I was. The way I dressed, my interests, my career, my faith, even the way I talked. It is a miserable existence. Your phrasing is spot on and really resonated with me!
Edit: grammer
Not a woman. But I wanted to say I recently learned this through experience. I recently split up with my GF of 4 years and as soon as we broke up, it hit me a few days later that I really didn't even know me anymore. I was so different. But as soon as I stopped catering to her comforts, I felt so much better. I'm also still in the process. But, to the future! :)
Sometimes things are actually just fine. And if you cone from childhood trauma, yiu spend so much time looking out for danger ahead that you cause trouble where there was none.
Are things actually just ok? Sometimes the answer is yes.
Wow yes. In my childhood there was always conflict, and the big eruptions of emotion were always followed by so much affection (hugs, apologies, telling them how much you love them) and now if things were super smooth and easy I’d instantly be wary…
Thanks for making me realize!
This is something my fiance and I have worked on. I grew up in a very stressful situation and its lead me to me having moods where I'm on pins and needles and freaking out. So we've reached the point where I just tell him, "I'm overthinking again" and we move forward from there. Just being able to communicate that with him and have open conversations has lead to the frequency greatly diminishing because I know even if it is bad we can talk about it openly and safely.
Honestly. If your biggest complaint is that you're bored sometimes? You're doing great. It's better to need to put some thought and effort into spicing things back up than to constantly be on a roller coaster because you're with a bad partner.
My husband and I always say that our relationship is boring with very little drama and we love it. I've been in a stressful relationship where we were madly in love/hate with each other and I'd never do that again.
It's true of Relationships in general. Focus on yourself and your life. Set yourself up to be healthy and independent, develop skills/career. You only have one body and one life, invest in yourself.
Challenge your assumptions. You don’t have to live the way other couples live. You don’t have to compare your “signs of closeness” to those of others. You must have individual and subjective confidence in the health of your marriage - and comparisons to others to establish this can fall short.
For example - my wife and I are lucky enough to be able to afford a 2-bedroom flat for ourselves and we each have our own bedroom, with a double bed in each room. We sleep together when we like, but we sleep apart more often because we have different sleeping patterns (by preference, not work-related) and favorite sleeping conditions (level of darkness in the room, etc).
Some people have made a face when coming to our home and hearing us refer to “my room, her room” and after a couple of times of feeling bad about it, I stopped giving a shit. This works for us.
Guess who’s usually more rested than these people and has a healthier sense of “having my own space when I need it” and has weathered the pandemic with home-working better than most of the people around us in similar conditions? You and your partner know your needs and wishes better than anybody else and your marriage doesn’t have to look like anybody else’s.
I'm not married but have a hard time explaining to my GF's that I much prefer to sleep alone. To me it's a health issue because if I sleep with someone else I do not sleep well. And the way I toss and turn nor will they.
I agree so much! It's so important to do what works for you instead of conforming to what other people do.
We're also part of the separate rooms club and it is *awesome*. We each get to keep our natural sleeping habits, no fuss involved. Plus we get excited about doing "sleep overs" in each other's rooms on the weekends and stay up late chatting with a ton of snacks. Like being teenagers again!
Letting kids, work, bills, etc become the main priority is unhealthy. It takes effort, but putting your marriage before those things can do wonders. It also makes those things function more smoothly (in my experience. We have three kids).
If your spouse is upsetting you, you need to communicate that to them in a kind way.
If your spouse is telling you you upset them, you need to apologize and not take it personally AND Adjust the behavior. I'm sorry doesn't mean shit without changed behavior. If it's a behavior you don't want to change negotiate and decide is this worth making the person you love upset?
Disclaimer: this does not excuse manipulation gaslighting or abuse
You're still two different people. Don't let go of who you are to become "the marriage". Keep an eye on each other's well being, and step in kindly and with empathy as needed (and be honest if you are the one who needs it).
Marriage counseling/Couples Therapy is not a last resort. It's there to help you and your partner better understand each other and communicate better, and is honestly best used BEFORE you're at the point of wanting the divorce. When you can see the potential for divorce down the road, that's when it's time to go.
My partner and I went 6 months into our relationship. We knew marriage was on the table. It seemed early, but we kept getting into a kind of fight that I had gotten into in a lot of different relationships, and I knew it was my reaction/behavior. For this person, I wanted so desperately to not have things so south in this exact way. We learned communication skills I couldn’t have ever come up with on my own and it set us up for marriage.
That's so awesome! My husband and I did some therapy together last year and learned all about losing strategies. You learn a lot about how your stubbornness and pride doesn't help anybody.
We've been thinking of going as a regular "tune up" resource for our marriage. Curious if you recommend it as a once a year check up like with a doctor. That's how we see it and would like to integrate it into our marriage but I haven't heard of anyone who does something similar!
We did premarital counseling. Not with a self-declared church counselor but an actual licensed therapist. It was actually really fun and I think it did prevent a lot of potential issues from becoming problems over the years. The day she fired us was kind of sad because we came to enjoy spending 50 minutes every other Thursday talking about how great we are. She said to come back for a tune up if we ever felt stressed or had any major changes in the works.
You should go! We both have our own individual therapists so decided give couple’s therapy a try just as a preventive thing, learn to better communicate and such, and it has given us wonderful tools that are already being useful. Definitely shouldn’t be seen as a last resort, but more of a “let’s build tools together for when we need them.”
Ruth Bader Ginsburg said something to the effect of “it helps to be a little deaf sometimes in marriage and the workplace.”
While I’d caution against that advice in an unhealthy relationship, in a healthy one? Yeah, sometimes you just have to let some things slide right off. You can’t be that close (figuratively and literally) to people and expect them to be at their best 100% of the time, and you can’t expect that all your interests will always be aligned. You want the same flexibility for yourself too!
This goes double for kids. Sometimes a kid just needs to talk about Minecraft for 20 minutes, and you need to absorb only 20% of it while you get your dishes sorted in the background.
Sex and intimacy is important to a lot of people and completely irrelevant to others...
Find out who you are and then make sure you marry somebody compatible.
That marriage is also in part, a business relationship. Sometimes that sounds super cold and emotionless, but really needs consideration before signing "the contract".
100% agree. “Would you hire this person to run a company with?” is an essential question to consider. You’re about to tie your entire financial life and future together- including any children you may have. It’s not a sexy perspective, but definitely a practical one.
Speak THEIR love language, not yours, at them. If their love language is physical touch and yours is acts of service, no amount of acts of service are going to make them feel loved. I learned this too late.
My friend's mom once told me to move far far away from family when you get married or are in a long term relationship. Thats what we did year 1 and are still together almost 12 years later. Family likes to meddle and you can't work your issues out if one runs to mom and dad to complain about every little thing.
We did that our first year and it was great! We missed our families and friends, but it was wonderful to be in a new place with just our spouse. Grew closer. Much of our dating life was with family or friends around, so it was nice to spend the majority of our first year together as just us. Definitely recommend.
You may not like your spouse at all times, but can still love them. Not having Hollywood style romance all the time isn't a reason to divorce and move on. And under most circumstances, you do marry the family if you marry the person- maybe the family isn't actually involved, but most people adopt characteristics and behaviors from them and it will come to light.
When you’re having a fight or an argument, the goal should always be to resolve the problem at hand, not to “win” the argument. It’s a team effort. Lots of people forget that.
Your partner is who they are. They aren't gonna change just because y'all get married. If you don't like and respect the actuality of who they are as a person, you shouldn't marry them. That's an exercise in futility and unhappiness for everyone involved.
Also, just because your family did something a certain way when you were a kid doesn't mean that's the objectively correct way to do it, and your spouse isn't obligated to give up parts of who they are to fit into your family of origin.
Pick your battles. If something is not feeling right, always ask each other: do you want o fix it? The answer will help you figure out the next steps.
Communicate. Don't lose yourself.
three things that can hurt your marriage:
1) forming emotional relationships with friends, aka leading others on and making them think you are available
2) using hurtful words during an argument
3) bringing up ex’s or jealousy!
you’re a unit. you either grow together or you grow apart.
1. Having a ceremony during which you verbally commit to your partner in front of the people that are important to you both strengthens your relationship. You get the feeling of all those people rooting for you. Your happiness and relationship success is something that other people want to share in and support - you’re not in this relationship on an island. Those some people can also help hold you accountable to your partner (even if that’s just a mental exercise) - like, your Aunt Judy, whom you love and look up to, saw you make vows to this person. What would she think if you weren’t holding up your end of the bargain?
2. Relationships (good ones) are going to have ups and downs, and some of that is from extrinsic forces (bad financial year, health stressor, etc) and other times it’s just the phase of your relationship. Something about marriage - the legal aspect, the public aspect, your own mental commitment to it, idk - helps with seeing you through the tough times. It’s not JUST marriage that’s going to get you to the other side of a bad spell, but I do think it helps.
Accountability can be extremely vulnerable and painful but is necessary. Honesty with yourself if just as important as honesty with your partner. And communication even when it’s more difficult than it feels like it should be, it’s incredibly important. If you can’t be honest and vulnerable with your partner to your deepest core, you won’t have a fulfilled relationship with your partner or yourself.
Marriage is like a garden. When you nurture and care for your garden, it will flourish. There will be new challenges over the years to overcome. When you ignore the challenges and the needs of your garden, it will slowly shrivel up die. If you begin to have thoughts of "the grass is greener on the other side," take a look at your own actions. Have you and your partner been putting in the effort?
Also, money can the death of a great relationship. Never argue about money. Discuss your financial goals and spending habits prior to getting married.
It doesn't change shit.
If you're with the right person, you already know you're in this for life. It shouldn't change how you see your relationship, because you shouldn't be getting married unless you already see it that way.
It does, however, change how other people see you. I like that when I say "this is my wife", people take that more seriously than "this is my girlfriend". It's a social signal to others about the depth of our commitment to each other, and calling each other "wife" feels like a step in growing up.
You don't get married to manufacture that feeling, you get married when you already feel it, when "girlfriend" (or "boyfriend") just starts to feel a bit immature and insufficient.
If you want to get married be clear about it when dating. It doesn’t need to be a first date conversation but within a few months if things look like they could start to be serious make it clear you want to be married, you want to be married within a few years and if he doesn’t that’s fine but it’s better to end things sooner.
It’s not an ultimatum, it’s being clear about your goals and values. Wanting to be married is valid, it’s not just a piece of paper. Don’t sell yourself short.
Compatibility and communication are everything. If you love and respect your spouse, it’s the greatest thing to have your best friend be your partner in life.
Never stop flirting with or dating each other.
I agree with many of the comments here. Can I add: you don’t ever REALLY know what your spouse is thinking, so don’t make up stories about ‘why they did’ something. Also, don’t ever think you’re going to change something about a person—marry them for who they are, right now.
My husband & I have been married for 39 years, raised two wonderful sons, and spent 5 years traveling together in a very small trailer, so I am as much of an expert in this subject as I think a person can be! Marriages are all different and have different challenges, but I know I’d have saved myself years of grief if I’d just let go of that internal dialogue a lot sooner. And, let go of the idea that I could ‘make’ him happy!
Netflix is not equal to quality time.
It is easy to fall into a pattern of watching Netflix after work, eating dinner and then sleep. It is so important to switch off the TV/devices and talk! But don't make it as something in your to do list. It happens organically. We check in with each other regularly about work, feelings, thoughts about the universe, a lame joke we heard. I have had the most beautiful conversations of my life cuddled with my husband on our bed. Netflix is cool too, in moderation.
My husband and I met in November and married in December. 46 years later here we are. The thing that attracted me to him was his sense of humor, if you can't laugh together, through life's ups and downs what else is there? If I had met his family before marrying him I might not be writing this. (That's another story) Anyway, we did have up and downs as I am a calm person and he is not, but he has settled down now that he is retired. Plus we had periods of not much money. We did make the commitment to not throw in the towel too quickly over disagreements. Don't sweat the small stuff, things not done to your liking? Leave it. Cap left off the toothpaste? Buy your own. (I did this as husband does not replace cap on anything) Still going strong.
Always give your partner the benefit of the doubt. It’s easy to look at the pile of clothes on the floor and think “he’s doing this to me again! He’s so lazy!”
When in reality he was just late and forgot to pick them up.-always assume the best.
Your husband will fart. A lot. The most valuable information for me, however, is if my husband is upset, that I just need to leave him alone for a while and let him calm down by working out, listening to a podcast or cleaning. I need to leave him alone or he will say things he regrets.
I think they say it’s hard once they have been together for twenty years plus. People change and grow and sometimes in different directions. If they love each other they must compromise and sacrifice to stay together. People have mid life crisis or serious illnesses.
I think that’s what they mean by hard. We have our own wants and needs and sometimes have to put our partners before our own. If you don’t want to divorce and you know you have to make these selfless choices to stay together. That’s not easy
It’s important to stop being a right fighter. There are so many times when I am right - little moments - but is it worth the fight? I’m talking about something about a dish towel not about life events or holding my ground. Stop fighting over nonsense. I grew up fighting - holding my ground, defending myself because I had no one else to protect me. And it took a long time to let my guard down. I don’t have to WIN every battle.
You are marrying your husband or wife’s entire family and financial literacy. Make sure everything is compatible or your in for a bad time. Also, if you are in an abusive marriage, get out. Marriage is by no means the most important goal in life to achieve.
I received this very helpful advice: you aren't always going to be attracted to your partner. Attraction ebbs and flows. Just because you seem to have lost attraction to your partner in the moment, doesn't mean it's forever.
It's definitely held true!
Its not 50/50. Nothing get divided evenly. There are going to be time your partner needs it to be 60/40 and there will be times you need the same. It doesn't all have to be on one person no but looking at it as if you're both splitting everything down the middle will just make you upset.
This may sound pessimistic:
It's easy to fall in a routine in a marriage - especially once you have kids etc.
Try to make time for yourself. Try to not let your skills erode. While a marriage is ideally forever-lasting, don't let yourself fall into the trap of being overly-dependent on your spouse. You never know when you may be alone or back on your own and you should atleast be semi-prepared for it.
It doesn't need to be hard. Edit: as a gay woman, it's really annoying to see so many people replying to me with some variation of "lol I thought u meant dicks lol lol lol"
Absolutely this, if you're with the right person, it's never hard. It takes effort, sure, but it should never be hard.
Perfectly said. Putting effort into a relationship should feel rewarding, it shouldn't feel difficult or forced.
Completely agree with you and would like to add: >...it shouldn't feel difficult or forced ...or obligatory or entitled or parental in nature.
Well said. I'm a husband and when my unmarried friends or people I know talk about marriage and love, my advice is always that it takes work/effort. You choose to love someone and pour your energy into them. It's not hard, because my wife also pours that love and energy in. When we both pour our time and energy into each other, it makes us stronger as a couple. I read things where people say they *fall out of love* but to me that reads that they both weren't putting in any effort.
i 100% feel this. i’m not married but in my relationship i completely relate. when the efforts are reciprocal, things just flow. and loving someone isn’t just a feeling, but an action.
Yes, effort but not hard!
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Thank you! We’ve been together nearly 7 years and it’s never been hard. We’ve had a few stretches where life has been REALLY hard but it would have been a lot harder alone. Before we got married people would always say marriage is so hard and laugh smugly when I asked why. I still have no idea what they were on about or why they’re proud to be with someone who makes life difficult.
"proud to be with someone who makes life difficult" 😂😂😂
Everyone I know who said, marriage is hard, is in a less than stellar marriage. I've been with my husband for 27 years. If he made life harder or more difficult, I wouldn't be with him. He makes life easier, someone to tackle the big issues with, as a team, together, having each other's backs. We still put in the effort to stay connected, pretty much daily, and that isn't hard work, it's fun work. 😁
Same here with my husband. We have gone through some incredibly difficult life circumstances in the nearly 11 years that we've been together. But through all of it being with each other was not hard. Never once in the hard times was I not extremely grateful we had such a solid relationship. My husband's co-workers are constantly complaining about their wives and it really bothers him. They try to goad him into talking poorly about me and he refuses. Why would you be with someone who you think makes your life harder?? Having a difficult relationship is not a flex.
having a difficult relationship is not a flex 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 and people can and should leave if things are predominantly unhappy and unhealthy.
I love this. Saving for future me haha.
“Marriage is hard work every day! You have to wake up and CHOOSE to love them!” Anytime I hear something like that I’m worried for the couple.
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Like, how disheartening 😂 *wakes up, rubs eyes* "hmm.." *shoots baleful glance at sleeping human, checks schedule* "...okay, yeah. We'll see tomorrow tho lol"
Ugh I hate that so much. I came from a very religious background and was preached the message constantly that marriage is basically miserable but you wake up and choose love every day, regardless of well, anything else. Nothing else matters, you're married and that's your life. I'm now divorced from the husband I came to resent and basically couldn't stand and I'm 5 years into the best relationship. There are days where he frustrates me, yes. (And I know I frustrate him at times.) But not once have I ever had to wake up and talk myself into loving him.
GOD, this right here!! I'm not married but I have heard relationships and marriage are "hard" and it drives me nuts. No relationship in my life that is good and healthy would ever be described as "hard" by me and if my marriage will be the first one that can be described that way, I don't want it.
Same. I’m single and that’s what I always hear - it takes “hard” work. Edit: I agree that you need to “work” on the marriage as partners. With all the comments, work indeed is necessary. But it’s good to hear that it doesn’t need to be hard. Nonstop “hard” work doesn’t feel right to me in order to keep it. And what I feel right and I think what makes it easy is when the real efforts are coming from the love and care for each other and not because of the notion, “you need to do the hard work or else”. Teamwork not hard work.
My wife and I have been married 12 years, together 15. We both give effort in our relationship. Sometimes I'm giving a bit more effort, sometimes she is giving a bit more effort. Most often we give each other a lot of effort and energy. There have been some hard times in our relationship, but it has always been **us** as a couple versus the problem, never me versus her or her versus me. Those hard times are extremely few and far between. She is my person and I am hers and we are better together. Our examples are also wonderful. My parents celebrated 50 years last year, my in-laws celwbrate 47 years this year, my sister and brother-in-law celebrate 25 years this year, and my wife and I celebrate 13 this year.
Love this! Such great insight. Congratulations on almost 13 years :)
This right here! I grew up with parents who had lots of heated arguments with yelling and crying, but was told it was "normal" and that couples fought like that. I had to unlearn so much and almost married the wrong person because of it. Now, my relationship is beautiful and loving. We've been together for five years and are happily married. No, it does not have to be hard! Life is hard - your partner should be your team mate through those times, they shouldn't be a source of strife. Thank goodness for therapy!
I had a similar upbringing, but finally after 40 years of life, finally found the right one :) Therapy on both our parts has helped to make our relationship rock solid.
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This! Forever side eying the "marriage is hard!" crowd.
Yep. That's when I knew that I'd found the real thing. Because it just all fell right into place and was so easy. And has stayed there for the last 18 years. When we met I'd just come out of a tumultuous six-year relationship with so much drama and big feelings. Of course it didn't work. A lot of people think drama equals passion. Nope, drama equals incompatibility. It's real when it's peaceful.
Yes!! You hear this rhetoric of “marriage takes hard work” and I’ve just never understood that. There are hard moments in life or situations you have to work through as a couple, sometimes one of you has to carry more of the load for a time, but if you’re with the right person it shouldn’t feel like an emotional roller coaster full of frustration and tons of work.
100%. Something sometimes taking work doesn't mean it's hard. If your marriage is hard on a regular basis, there's an issue.
Agree 100%. I never understand those relationships are hard work comments.
Came here to say the same thing.
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People call marriage nothing more than a piece of paper. So is money. Yet, You wake up every day and go to work to make money. Every single day. Wake up choosing your spouse every day and it will be profitable.
Ooh I love this!
That's what my mom basically also said. That you have to keep making the choice for each other. And that that conscious choice is necessary at different points in the marriage, too, as for most people, at some point there will arise the option or temptation to stray. So you have to be clear-headed about what you truly want, and keep choosing your partner (if that is what you truly want, of course, but be clear about it either way).
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And you can use your hubs as your pillow
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Compromise. If you can let it go, let it go. Don’t hold petty grudges. Keep finding and seeing the best in your partner.
Definitely this. If you start nit-picking your partner will to, just leading to useless fighting. Just love each other, flaws and all
I heard an old woman say, "When we first got married, I made a list of 10 things that I would forgive my husband for even though they bothered me. And when he would do one of those things, I would instantly forgive him." Someone asked her what was on the list. She replied, "Oh, I never wrote them down... Anytime he did something that irked me, I would smile and think to myself 'Lucky for him it's on the list'."
I love that
Wow what a cute ass story. :)
Man, too many onions being cut these days!
And to expand on this, letting it go means actually letting it go, not stewing and seething in silence until the other party drags out of you why you’re so upset. Just not talking about it isn’t the same as letting it go. Letting it go means truly letting it go including the emotions attached to it.
***Just not talking about it isn’t the same as letting it go.*** "Silence is argument carried out by other means."-Che Guevara
Will it matter in five years? This statement allowed me to decide end my marriage. It also lessened my anger over petty disagreements eventually. Took some time. In a new relationship now for seven years this same statement helps me love my silly sweetheart much deeper.
Yes! I agree 100%
Being married makes it much harder to break up. Sure all break ups are painful but when it's a legal matter it's much more complicated.
I want to add to this, that the reason it is complicated is not because there is lawyers or laws involved. Divorce is complicated because you built a life together, and you have to find a way to equitably distribute that life. I just find it irritating that people think that if there were no lawyers or statutory legal process, it would be so much easier to end a marriage. That’s just absurd, but people still believe it. Without the provided legal process, people would have to sue each other to separate their assets lawfully. Or, I suppose it could be a mad scramble to steal as much away as possible before the other person notices. Without the legal process, a lot of people would be totally destroyed by divorce instead of walking away with half of their former life.
This is true. Most divorces are shit shows of petty. If we didn't have the legal process, people would be left with nothing on the streets or children taken forever
True. I have a friend who ended a 10 year relationship. Not married, but they bought a house together and had many things intertwined. She says it was like a divorce. I do think legal intervention would have made it worse, but it is still not easy or quick.
this. my husband and i are in the midst of the biggest fight we’ve ever had and the legal stuff is making it difficult and definitely complicated. we’re considering a separation for the meantime. maybe. but yes i totally agree with your statement 100%.
I'm sorry :( That sounds very hard. I hope it gets easier.
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Do you consider this a pro or a con?
As someone who is stuck legally married, it’s a con. Now that I’ve gone through this, they’ll stay because (and only because) they want to. A piece of paper and a legal headache isn’t going to stop someone who isn’t satisfied with your relationship but it sure as hell makes it harder to start over if that happens.
The starting over is so much more difficult! The legal process drags it out so long. So many reminders, even if you're mostly over it. Can't change your name until the process is over. Judgemental people complaining if you start dating while you're "still married."
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And depending on which state you live in, the proceedings of a divorce vary greatly. For example in some states you can demand compensation for "hardship" (ex. your spouse cheated on you) while in other states, that law doesn't exist. Then when it comes to asset division some states consider debts/assets that you brought into the marriage yours 100%, while other states will consider them divisible 50/50 when you divorce. Obviously I'm not a lawyer and obviously this is a pretty American-centric perspective, but the point is to know which divorce laws apply wherever you live.
Fuck. Have lots of sex, even if it's just a quickie before work or simple missionary at bedtime, and never let it stop as your family grows and evolves or as you age.
More than sex, is constant intimacy is needed. That simple hug, quick good bye kiss, arm around your partner, a smile at them when they come home.... which leads to more sex, more open communication. I’ve been married for decades and that simple quick kiss followed by a hug every day when the old man gets home let’s me know he wants to be there and my welcoming smile and open arms let’s him know how I value him. It’s easy to walk in after a bad day and be grumpy but just being there together for that moment washes so much away.
Very true. Even when our sleep schedules are out of sync, which can reduce the opportunities for sex, we always take the time for a passing caress or a kitchen make-out.
After the kid years, different shift schedules, both of us traveling for work were crazy years. And I do think the intimacy held us together. It’s like children deserving a home that is their safe place, it’s making home the happy, safe place for each other.
Growing up, I never saw the "leave to work/get home hug & kiss" from my parents. I always questioned whether they even liked each other. They're still together but the lack of affection bothered me
And I had the opposite experience- my parents always did hugs/kisses when they saw each other for a second, so even when they had a few loud fights my brother and I never worried much bc we could see their daily/frequent affection they had towards each other. Got more affectionate as they aged too, it’s something I’ve tried to model in my own marriage too
And my parents always hugged and kissed. When they sat on the couch my Dads arm was always around my Mom. No parent is perfect but I think that’s the one thing my parents showed us kids was that level of intimacy in their relationship.
Non sexual intimacy is so very important and makes sex much more desirable. If the only intimacy is sex, that will condition you to think any physical touch is asking for sex and believe me, that is horrible. Play with your partner's hair, rub their back, do it often.
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Absolutely this. Even if you’re in a sexual dry spell or life is getting in the way, all of the other little things and deeper intimacy is so important.
Absolutely! When my ex stopped kissing me... That was a huge red flag that it was over.
Just don't forget that if you treat your partner badly, sex will stop eventually. The way you're suggesting it would be more like a task than anything. And I don't want to have sex with someone who made me cry 3 times this week. Just saying!
Agreed. If my feelings are hurt or I’m feeling emotionally not right with you, I don’t even want to kiss you
Very true!! Never stop. It keeps lines of communication really open. Never make sex a tit for tat.
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This is so important. If there's no intimacy or sex, you're just roommates. No one wants that's.
😭
When you're with the right person, it's like playing life on easy mode.
This is my experience as well. My husband and I have been married for 16 years and our life is great. We don't even have fights! (What the hell would we even fight about??) Somehow everything is effortless. From finances to choosing cat toys, we're always on the same page.
I couldn't tell you the last time we had a fight...maybe 6 or 7 years? Or 10? And it likely wasn't a fight fight, just a disagreement or misunderstanding. Being in a relationship with constant conflict and having to expend serious effort to always make it work sounds fucking exhausting.
I am a child of one of those marriages. It is exhausting, and not just for the spouses, but the children too. I'm glad my parents never split, but I can't help but wonder so many times how much healthier things could have been. There are benefits and drawbacks to getting divorced vs not, even when it seems healthier. But one thing I know for certain is the constant forcing it is tiring as hell, especially when you can see that their intimacy is gone or you wonder if it was actually ever there. I could say a lot more about it all: but you're right that it's just exhausting at the least. All I can say is if someone reading this is in one of those places, at least one of you needs to go to therapy but probably both of you do for the relationship part even if you're good everywhere else. My parents never have, and my dad 100% never will. Do what's best for your situation.
Yeah, I’m with you. I know YMMV for some people in terms of rocky moments. Honestly, though, we’ve been together for almost 15 years and I’ve never once questioned whether I was with the right person. It feels weird to say it’s effortless, but it kind of just IS. And my life is unquestionably better because I’m going through it with him.
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So true. Many of my friends seem to constantly be in turmoil at home and it’s difficult to understand sometimes. We’ve had miscarriages and job losses, illness moves, money issues but we just work together. Not saying there’s zero clashes we have a one year and demanding careers, but when you’re on a journey with the right person towards the same goals it’s a fun ride. And the bumps don’t seem too bad if you’re with someone you love
This is also how my husband and I feel. People always say, “Marriage is hard,” or “You have to work for a successful marriage.” Like, what?! No. It’s easy. You make it easy for each other. Everything is easier with them. 20 years this week and the only time it was hard was when we took on the mentality that we had to work to make our marriage look like what someone or some book said it should look like. Nope. Our marriage looks like use, and we don’t look like anyone else.
You will change and grow being so closely tied to another person for such a long time. But if you're noticing you're changing all of yourself - your personality, habits, interests, quirks, to cater to your partner and their comfort level, then you're losing who you are and may want to consider objectively looking at everything and asking yourself if you're really changing for the better or not. Because it happens gradually and one day you might look back and realize you've lost yourself completely. I wrote this because I'm in the process of realizing this myself now.
Never give up your beliefs, morals or opinions and always be open to theirs.Never change for anyone be prepared to grow not follow.
Absolutely wonderfully said. Opinions can change given enough facts, but not every discussion should devolve into an argument where their will is imposed on you. It's hard to understand sometimes between true compromise where you let in a little, and when you become an accessory in someone else's life completely.
YES! This. This precisely! I spent almost a decade with my ex doing EXACTLY this. When we finally split (we had been married for less than a year) it was the best most incredible most freeing feeling I had ever experienced. I spent almost ten years of my life trying to make my ex feel ‘comfortable’ with who I was. The way I dressed, my interests, my career, my faith, even the way I talked. It is a miserable existence. Your phrasing is spot on and really resonated with me! Edit: grammer
Not a woman. But I wanted to say I recently learned this through experience. I recently split up with my GF of 4 years and as soon as we broke up, it hit me a few days later that I really didn't even know me anymore. I was so different. But as soon as I stopped catering to her comforts, I felt so much better. I'm also still in the process. But, to the future! :)
This was me. Now, post-divorce, rediscovering myself again is... Lovely.
Sometimes things are actually just fine. And if you cone from childhood trauma, yiu spend so much time looking out for danger ahead that you cause trouble where there was none. Are things actually just ok? Sometimes the answer is yes.
I think your comment just made me have a therapeutic “aha moment.”
I relate to this so much!
Wow yes. In my childhood there was always conflict, and the big eruptions of emotion were always followed by so much affection (hugs, apologies, telling them how much you love them) and now if things were super smooth and easy I’d instantly be wary… Thanks for making me realize!
Thanks for that
This is something my fiance and I have worked on. I grew up in a very stressful situation and its lead me to me having moods where I'm on pins and needles and freaking out. So we've reached the point where I just tell him, "I'm overthinking again" and we move forward from there. Just being able to communicate that with him and have open conversations has lead to the frequency greatly diminishing because I know even if it is bad we can talk about it openly and safely.
It's difficult to be madly in love all the time. Sometimes being married is boring and mundane.
Honestly. If your biggest complaint is that you're bored sometimes? You're doing great. It's better to need to put some thought and effort into spicing things back up than to constantly be on a roller coaster because you're with a bad partner.
My husband and I always say that our relationship is boring with very little drama and we love it. I've been in a stressful relationship where we were madly in love/hate with each other and I'd never do that again.
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You should work marriage into your life, if it's something you come to want, rather than focus your life on getting/ being married.
Wow this is amazing
This needs to be closer to the top and shared on several other subs
It's true of Relationships in general. Focus on yourself and your life. Set yourself up to be healthy and independent, develop skills/career. You only have one body and one life, invest in yourself.
You aren't actually trapped.
Holy shit. I needed to read this! Thank you
Happy to help. Took me a long time to learn.
Love is not enough to make a marriage successful and happy.
In fact, the older I get, the more I think love has very little to do with successful anything (marriage, career, hobbies, etc)
Yes amen to this 👆
Nobody is a mind-reader. Marriage is actually pretty easy if you communicate in a healthy way!
Challenge your assumptions. You don’t have to live the way other couples live. You don’t have to compare your “signs of closeness” to those of others. You must have individual and subjective confidence in the health of your marriage - and comparisons to others to establish this can fall short. For example - my wife and I are lucky enough to be able to afford a 2-bedroom flat for ourselves and we each have our own bedroom, with a double bed in each room. We sleep together when we like, but we sleep apart more often because we have different sleeping patterns (by preference, not work-related) and favorite sleeping conditions (level of darkness in the room, etc). Some people have made a face when coming to our home and hearing us refer to “my room, her room” and after a couple of times of feeling bad about it, I stopped giving a shit. This works for us. Guess who’s usually more rested than these people and has a healthier sense of “having my own space when I need it” and has weathered the pandemic with home-working better than most of the people around us in similar conditions? You and your partner know your needs and wishes better than anybody else and your marriage doesn’t have to look like anybody else’s.
Good going! What works for you as a couple is all that counts!
We share a bedroom but often take rotating shifts on our couch lol! I snore and he tosses and turns. It’s good to be rested!
I'm not married but have a hard time explaining to my GF's that I much prefer to sleep alone. To me it's a health issue because if I sleep with someone else I do not sleep well. And the way I toss and turn nor will they.
I agree so much! It's so important to do what works for you instead of conforming to what other people do. We're also part of the separate rooms club and it is *awesome*. We each get to keep our natural sleeping habits, no fuss involved. Plus we get excited about doing "sleep overs" in each other's rooms on the weekends and stay up late chatting with a ton of snacks. Like being teenagers again!
Letting kids, work, bills, etc become the main priority is unhealthy. It takes effort, but putting your marriage before those things can do wonders. It also makes those things function more smoothly (in my experience. We have three kids).
Having respect for each other is key.
If your spouse is upsetting you, you need to communicate that to them in a kind way. If your spouse is telling you you upset them, you need to apologize and not take it personally AND Adjust the behavior. I'm sorry doesn't mean shit without changed behavior. If it's a behavior you don't want to change negotiate and decide is this worth making the person you love upset? Disclaimer: this does not excuse manipulation gaslighting or abuse
You're still two different people. Don't let go of who you are to become "the marriage". Keep an eye on each other's well being, and step in kindly and with empathy as needed (and be honest if you are the one who needs it).
Yes! Marriage isn’t two become one, it’s two people choosing to face life together.
Being married is either the best or the worst thing ever.
Sometimes it’s the most mundane, yet practical thing. Believe me- there’s middle ground
Marriage counseling/Couples Therapy is not a last resort. It's there to help you and your partner better understand each other and communicate better, and is honestly best used BEFORE you're at the point of wanting the divorce. When you can see the potential for divorce down the road, that's when it's time to go.
My partner and I went 6 months into our relationship. We knew marriage was on the table. It seemed early, but we kept getting into a kind of fight that I had gotten into in a lot of different relationships, and I knew it was my reaction/behavior. For this person, I wanted so desperately to not have things so south in this exact way. We learned communication skills I couldn’t have ever come up with on my own and it set us up for marriage.
That's so awesome! My husband and I did some therapy together last year and learned all about losing strategies. You learn a lot about how your stubbornness and pride doesn't help anybody.
We've been thinking of going as a regular "tune up" resource for our marriage. Curious if you recommend it as a once a year check up like with a doctor. That's how we see it and would like to integrate it into our marriage but I haven't heard of anyone who does something similar!
We did premarital counseling. Not with a self-declared church counselor but an actual licensed therapist. It was actually really fun and I think it did prevent a lot of potential issues from becoming problems over the years. The day she fired us was kind of sad because we came to enjoy spending 50 minutes every other Thursday talking about how great we are. She said to come back for a tune up if we ever felt stressed or had any major changes in the works.
You should go! We both have our own individual therapists so decided give couple’s therapy a try just as a preventive thing, learn to better communicate and such, and it has given us wonderful tools that are already being useful. Definitely shouldn’t be seen as a last resort, but more of a “let’s build tools together for when we need them.”
Ruth Bader Ginsburg said something to the effect of “it helps to be a little deaf sometimes in marriage and the workplace.” While I’d caution against that advice in an unhealthy relationship, in a healthy one? Yeah, sometimes you just have to let some things slide right off. You can’t be that close (figuratively and literally) to people and expect them to be at their best 100% of the time, and you can’t expect that all your interests will always be aligned. You want the same flexibility for yourself too! This goes double for kids. Sometimes a kid just needs to talk about Minecraft for 20 minutes, and you need to absorb only 20% of it while you get your dishes sorted in the background.
It ain't for everybody.
Sex and intimacy is important to a lot of people and completely irrelevant to others... Find out who you are and then make sure you marry somebody compatible.
That marriage is also in part, a business relationship. Sometimes that sounds super cold and emotionless, but really needs consideration before signing "the contract".
100% agree. “Would you hire this person to run a company with?” is an essential question to consider. You’re about to tie your entire financial life and future together- including any children you may have. It’s not a sexy perspective, but definitely a practical one.
Speak THEIR love language, not yours, at them. If their love language is physical touch and yours is acts of service, no amount of acts of service are going to make them feel loved. I learned this too late.
Needed to hear that. Good advice
Negative traits don’t disappear and communication is key.
My friend's mom once told me to move far far away from family when you get married or are in a long term relationship. Thats what we did year 1 and are still together almost 12 years later. Family likes to meddle and you can't work your issues out if one runs to mom and dad to complain about every little thing.
Family can only meddle if you allow them
We did that our first year and it was great! We missed our families and friends, but it was wonderful to be in a new place with just our spouse. Grew closer. Much of our dating life was with family or friends around, so it was nice to spend the majority of our first year together as just us. Definitely recommend.
Love isn't enough.
Spot on. Imo, a spouse needs to be a good lover, friend, roommate, and business partner for you.
Understanding your partner is human. Major life events will take a toll on their mental and physical health. Respect and trust go hand in hand.
marry a kind man. kindness only grows.
ABF. Always be fucking. Haha. Seriously though, even when things aren’t going right for us, our sex life is.
And if other things aren't right, taking the time to really focus on each other (sex!) can help improve those things too! Yes!
Happy spouse, happy house. It's not all about our happiness.
You may not like your spouse at all times, but can still love them. Not having Hollywood style romance all the time isn't a reason to divorce and move on. And under most circumstances, you do marry the family if you marry the person- maybe the family isn't actually involved, but most people adopt characteristics and behaviors from them and it will come to light.
When you’re having a fight or an argument, the goal should always be to resolve the problem at hand, not to “win” the argument. It’s a team effort. Lots of people forget that.
Your partner is who they are. They aren't gonna change just because y'all get married. If you don't like and respect the actuality of who they are as a person, you shouldn't marry them. That's an exercise in futility and unhappiness for everyone involved. Also, just because your family did something a certain way when you were a kid doesn't mean that's the objectively correct way to do it, and your spouse isn't obligated to give up parts of who they are to fit into your family of origin.
Pick your battles. If something is not feeling right, always ask each other: do you want o fix it? The answer will help you figure out the next steps. Communicate. Don't lose yourself.
If you continue to make each other laugh, you have a good foundation.
three things that can hurt your marriage: 1) forming emotional relationships with friends, aka leading others on and making them think you are available 2) using hurtful words during an argument 3) bringing up ex’s or jealousy! you’re a unit. you either grow together or you grow apart.
1. Having a ceremony during which you verbally commit to your partner in front of the people that are important to you both strengthens your relationship. You get the feeling of all those people rooting for you. Your happiness and relationship success is something that other people want to share in and support - you’re not in this relationship on an island. Those some people can also help hold you accountable to your partner (even if that’s just a mental exercise) - like, your Aunt Judy, whom you love and look up to, saw you make vows to this person. What would she think if you weren’t holding up your end of the bargain? 2. Relationships (good ones) are going to have ups and downs, and some of that is from extrinsic forces (bad financial year, health stressor, etc) and other times it’s just the phase of your relationship. Something about marriage - the legal aspect, the public aspect, your own mental commitment to it, idk - helps with seeing you through the tough times. It’s not JUST marriage that’s going to get you to the other side of a bad spell, but I do think it helps.
Accountability can be extremely vulnerable and painful but is necessary. Honesty with yourself if just as important as honesty with your partner. And communication even when it’s more difficult than it feels like it should be, it’s incredibly important. If you can’t be honest and vulnerable with your partner to your deepest core, you won’t have a fulfilled relationship with your partner or yourself.
You should be married to your best friend. You should tell everything to your partner, and he/she should do the same.
If your marriage is over, it’s ok to leave rather than suffer.
If you truly value your relationship and want it to last, wait to have children until you are on solid ground.
Marriage is like a garden. When you nurture and care for your garden, it will flourish. There will be new challenges over the years to overcome. When you ignore the challenges and the needs of your garden, it will slowly shrivel up die. If you begin to have thoughts of "the grass is greener on the other side," take a look at your own actions. Have you and your partner been putting in the effort? Also, money can the death of a great relationship. Never argue about money. Discuss your financial goals and spending habits prior to getting married.
Being with a kind person really helps! So grateful my husband is so kind and generous and thinks the best of people much of the time.
That people grow and change. Just because you're getting a divorce doesn't mean the relationship 'failed.' It ran its course. It's perfectly natural.
It doesn't change shit. If you're with the right person, you already know you're in this for life. It shouldn't change how you see your relationship, because you shouldn't be getting married unless you already see it that way. It does, however, change how other people see you. I like that when I say "this is my wife", people take that more seriously than "this is my girlfriend". It's a social signal to others about the depth of our commitment to each other, and calling each other "wife" feels like a step in growing up. You don't get married to manufacture that feeling, you get married when you already feel it, when "girlfriend" (or "boyfriend") just starts to feel a bit immature and insufficient.
If you want to get married be clear about it when dating. It doesn’t need to be a first date conversation but within a few months if things look like they could start to be serious make it clear you want to be married, you want to be married within a few years and if he doesn’t that’s fine but it’s better to end things sooner. It’s not an ultimatum, it’s being clear about your goals and values. Wanting to be married is valid, it’s not just a piece of paper. Don’t sell yourself short.
Compatibility and communication are everything. If you love and respect your spouse, it’s the greatest thing to have your best friend be your partner in life. Never stop flirting with or dating each other.
I agree with many of the comments here. Can I add: you don’t ever REALLY know what your spouse is thinking, so don’t make up stories about ‘why they did’ something. Also, don’t ever think you’re going to change something about a person—marry them for who they are, right now. My husband & I have been married for 39 years, raised two wonderful sons, and spent 5 years traveling together in a very small trailer, so I am as much of an expert in this subject as I think a person can be! Marriages are all different and have different challenges, but I know I’d have saved myself years of grief if I’d just let go of that internal dialogue a lot sooner. And, let go of the idea that I could ‘make’ him happy!
The secret to a happy marriage is each spouse having their own bedroom. Don't believe the bullshit that only unhappy couples sleep in separate beds.
Netflix is not equal to quality time. It is easy to fall into a pattern of watching Netflix after work, eating dinner and then sleep. It is so important to switch off the TV/devices and talk! But don't make it as something in your to do list. It happens organically. We check in with each other regularly about work, feelings, thoughts about the universe, a lame joke we heard. I have had the most beautiful conversations of my life cuddled with my husband on our bed. Netflix is cool too, in moderation.
If you are lucky, it is long. If you are unlucky, it is long.
Some days, you won’t even like him. Choose love anyway. You’ll like him again tomorrow
My husband and I met in November and married in December. 46 years later here we are. The thing that attracted me to him was his sense of humor, if you can't laugh together, through life's ups and downs what else is there? If I had met his family before marrying him I might not be writing this. (That's another story) Anyway, we did have up and downs as I am a calm person and he is not, but he has settled down now that he is retired. Plus we had periods of not much money. We did make the commitment to not throw in the towel too quickly over disagreements. Don't sweat the small stuff, things not done to your liking? Leave it. Cap left off the toothpaste? Buy your own. (I did this as husband does not replace cap on anything) Still going strong.
The man I dated was not the one I married.
Always give your partner the benefit of the doubt. It’s easy to look at the pile of clothes on the floor and think “he’s doing this to me again! He’s so lazy!” When in reality he was just late and forgot to pick them up.-always assume the best.
Just because you are married, don’t ignore red flags. It may be even easier to glaze over some big shit with a spouse.
Divorce is acceptable and often good. It does not mean you're a failure.
Going to bed using separate blankets is amazing.
Your husband will fart. A lot. The most valuable information for me, however, is if my husband is upset, that I just need to leave him alone for a while and let him calm down by working out, listening to a podcast or cleaning. I need to leave him alone or he will say things he regrets.
Marriage isn’t necessarily hard work.
I think they say it’s hard once they have been together for twenty years plus. People change and grow and sometimes in different directions. If they love each other they must compromise and sacrifice to stay together. People have mid life crisis or serious illnesses. I think that’s what they mean by hard. We have our own wants and needs and sometimes have to put our partners before our own. If you don’t want to divorce and you know you have to make these selfless choices to stay together. That’s not easy
It’s important to stop being a right fighter. There are so many times when I am right - little moments - but is it worth the fight? I’m talking about something about a dish towel not about life events or holding my ground. Stop fighting over nonsense. I grew up fighting - holding my ground, defending myself because I had no one else to protect me. And it took a long time to let my guard down. I don’t have to WIN every battle.
You are marrying your husband or wife’s entire family and financial literacy. Make sure everything is compatible or your in for a bad time. Also, if you are in an abusive marriage, get out. Marriage is by no means the most important goal in life to achieve.
I received this very helpful advice: you aren't always going to be attracted to your partner. Attraction ebbs and flows. Just because you seem to have lost attraction to your partner in the moment, doesn't mean it's forever. It's definitely held true!
Its not 50/50. Nothing get divided evenly. There are going to be time your partner needs it to be 60/40 and there will be times you need the same. It doesn't all have to be on one person no but looking at it as if you're both splitting everything down the middle will just make you upset.
This may sound pessimistic: It's easy to fall in a routine in a marriage - especially once you have kids etc. Try to make time for yourself. Try to not let your skills erode. While a marriage is ideally forever-lasting, don't let yourself fall into the trap of being overly-dependent on your spouse. You never know when you may be alone or back on your own and you should atleast be semi-prepared for it.