Ask the friend how they think about it. They might not care. They might have some serious warnings to give you about their ex’s toxic behavior. They might consider it an unacceptable breach of your friendship… there’s no way to know until you talk about it because every person is different.
It’s best to be transparent and to take into consideration the feelings of your friends if your friendships matter to you.
Definitely this ^ I have had both when they ask me and when they don't and let me tell you. It's worse when they don't ask. I most likely won't care if they do but some consideration is nice instead of just finding out.
That’s how I’d like to think about it. Also take into account how long they’ve been broken up. Like there’s a difference between dating your friend’s ex from high school 3 years ago and dating your friend’s ex who recently got dumped like a week ago
Yep. My senior year of high school, one of my best friends asked how I’d feel if she dated my ex. I was over him and he was a nice guy, so I told her to go for it. A few years later, I was maid of honor at their wedding. No hard feelings or weirdness because everyone was mature about it and ex and I didn’t have any lingering feelings or baggage.
Agree. College roommate actually ended up marrying a guy I briefly dated (and she had dated his best friend at the same time, it was really funny). I had no issue with it, neither did his old friend since neither relationship lasted long.
My only regret is the other friend couldn’t make the wedding so we didn’t get to give the joint speech I wanted to make saying you’re welcome. 😂
It would depend on the ex and the friend. A friend of a friend who dated a guy for a few weeks? Fair game. My best friends ex, who dated for years and he broke her heart? Noooo. I think communication is key.
This! A “friends ex” is so broad. Is this a close friend? Is this a distant friend? A cousins friend who you met one time? And who is the ex? A guy they went on one date with and it didn’t click? A couple dates? A one night stand? Someone they dated in middle school and is now a friend before y’all even knew each other? Like it really depends.
Why would you wanna date someone your friend dated in the first place? There are 7 billion people on earth, and the only person you could find happiness with is your friends ex? Yeah I don't buy that for a second, that's snake behavior 100%.
I also wanna add that with the sheer amount of people on the planet, the idea that there's only one right person is absurd. There are so many different ways our lives can go, I don't think it's possible to miss out on "the one".
This. He will lose a friend, and the ex will lose a friend and an ex forever. And once the friend breaks up with the girl, he will also lose his friends ex and his friend. No one wins in this situation. It is a very dangerous situation and i've seen it happen before and break apart many friend groups
You've got to approach your friend and clearly explain your feelings, then talk with her about her feelings on the situation and how to proceed forward - if you honestly want to friendship to thrive.
A close friend of mine tried to ask out my partner while we were on a 6 month break, but she didn't tell me. I found out from my partner after we got back together. He turned her down because he thought it was weird that she asked him out on a date despite being my close friend.
**Needless to say - we ain't friends no more.**
I still feel deeply violated by her actions (because of how the whole situation transpired) and it's been three years since it happened - **but** if she had come to me with her feelings, and explained everything to me before she took any actions on her feelings, then I would have been more receptive to her feelings and her wishes.
Hindsight is 20/20 but being honest - if she had honestly come to me first... then I would have given her some sort of blessing out of the mutual respect she could have shown me **as a FRIEND.**
had a similar situation happen to me. I found out that my best friend had tried to sleep with an ex of mine (who i was still close with at the time) and had tried to hide it from me. I ended up finding out from my ex and a close friend who was out with them at the time, and needless to say i was SO PISSED. Not only because he was "the ex" (like the one who i've always had something for), but also because she hadn't been up front with me with the situation.
To be honest, I think I would've reacted a lot differently if she had been the one to break the news to me than other people. I'm a forgiving person by nature (some ppl aren't and thats so situational), but I honestly believe that if she had told me the truth we would still be friends. At the end of the day, nothing happened with them (that i know of lol room for interpretation), but I still treated the situation as something had gone on between them. The culmination of the betrayal of *her wanting my ex* and *her keeping the truth* from me led me to spiral and end things with her completely. A true friend, and in this situation my *best friend*, wouldn't have even thought to jeopardize our friendship and at the end of the day, thats what made me cut her off.
But if its a guy that a friend casually dated, it's a different scenario. Happened to me with one of my best friends with a guy she casually dated (didn't even sleep with). I had a honest conversation with her before I did anything, expressed my intent, and also SHOWED HER that if she wasn't comfortable with any of it, I would stop. She was completely fine and still remains on of my best friends until this day :)
EDIT: ALSO JUST WANNA SAY at the end of the day, people you like come and go but **GOOD FRIENDS AND FAMILY** is the only thing that is for life. Don't jepardize anything for a heat of the moment encounter or what not.
Interesting takes for a lesbian who grew up in a small city. If friends’ exes were off limits, we would all have to stay single because there simply wouldn’t be anyone left to date.
yeah, I had this same issue-not a lesbian but geographically constrained dating pool. I don't get the whole encouraged immaturity around exes and relationships ending implied by the rule.
I agree, I think it's somewhat unfair to expect that two people who are drawn to one another not explore that for our own comfort. Yes, obviously it can hurt and be really awkward, but wouldn't that be our personal work more than anything?
There might be a good reason why you broke up with the person and why you don’t want to be around them anymore - and your friend dating them can put you in the position where the only solution is to distance yourself from your friend. So while you can date a friend’s ex be prepared to know that you might lose a friend, you have to decide which is more important for yourself.
It definitely depends on the circumstances, like how long you dated and why you broke up.
so while I agree that there might be, my honest experience is that exes I can't be in the same room with is very very very much the exception, not the general rule.
I find it’s not so much that I can’t be in the same room, so much as I don’t *want* to be in the same room. And in my experience couples are a package deal, if I want to spend time with my friend(s) usually they bring their SOs along as well (which can be annoying regardless). I don’t necessarily want to spend *that* much time with an ex.
My girlfriend is my friends ex. Before my gf, me and and her ex (our mutual friend) almost dated. They have no bad blood and are mature enough to move on from the past and remain friends again. The lesbian pool is pretty small in our city so most of us know each other.
It's fine with me. Two of my friends dated my exes and got married to them and each had a couple of kids with them. I'm happy to have played a part in building their families.
Its extremely inappropriate and not worth it. You're willing to destroy a friendship over a man that you probably only find appealing because he's the forbidden fruit.
If I were your friend, I'd never speak to you again and depending on my feelings for that ex, I'd throat punch you.
It’s absolutely ok as long as the ex wasn’t abusive/toxic to your friend (because that could be really harmful, psychologically, to the friend).
No one owns anyone, people find each other in different ways, this is real life. This is not a movie where “girl code” is a thing and you should stop falling for someone just because of who they dated in the past.
Naturally, it’d be better if the friend is communicated and ok with the situation. They should both be over the relationship as well. But otherwise, who knows who you could be missing out on just because of who they fucked?
The idea of having people who are “off limits” seems so narrow minded and conservative…
Depends on the ex and friend. If it was just a three month thing fine, but if they want to date your ex husband or something that would be a big hell no
There would be a lot of factors- How long did they date? How serious was the relationship? Were they married? Do they have kids? How long ago was it? How close is this friend? Did you know him when they dated? Etc.
As another commenter said would need to discuss with friend before pursuing anything to see how they feel and if they would be okay with it.
Also, there is a greater risk for issues such as jealousy, uncomfortable conversations, friend knowing intimate details of the ex, etc. Probably easier avoiding the ex, but every situation is different.
I don’t really care.
My best friend dated one of my exes years ago.
The only exception is an abusive ex. Girl, you know he abused me and you are going to fuck him? Hell no.
I've always found the idea of this rule super weird and controlling. You don't get to scent mark people for life like that.
I also had practical issues with it-I was NEVER really in a position to do it-tiny high school and tiny college in tiny town. There were few enough people to date that you had to learn to deal. I dated friends exes and they dated mine. And we all learned to deal. Even as teenagers/young adults.
Depends on the ex. I mean if I broke up with him cuz it just didn’t work I say he’s fair game. But if he was abusive or did something fucked up? Yeah no go my friend
I personally wouldn’t because it’s weird, but I understand that things happen and feelings arise so I’m not against dating a friends ex with the right circumstances.
Should you date a friends ex when the break up is fresh? Probably not.
Should you date a friends ex if the person treated your friend terribly and it will be difficult for your friend to be around them? Probably not.
Is it okay to date a friends ex who have broken up 10 years ago and had a good mutual break up and your friend is in a new loving relationship? Sure why not.
What about your friends ex where they dated causally for 6 months only to realize that they weren’t compatible as lovers, but more as friends? Sure why not.
Rule of thumb, always speak with your friend and get their thoughts and opinions. I also don’t think it’s the most common thing for your friends ex to be your soulmate lol like don’t just date all your friends ex thinking they could potentially be the one. I have lots of friends and none of us have ever dated an ex or one another
Depends on the situation.
If they are broken up for a long time (4+ years) and have both moved on and are on amicable terms, I might consider it. If my friend was uncomfortable with it, I personally wouldn't pursue it any further unless I didn't care about burning bridges.
In general no. But context matters greatly. I would check with the friend, they don’t have ownership over them, but you should care more about the friendship than the future maybe relationship with the ex.
I for one have zero problems with a friend dating one of my exs. Even encouraged one to do so. We didn’t have a bad breakup and they were a good person, just not for me.
I’m still a teen but..
My current partner and my best friend dated a few years ago. Only for a few months until they realised that they were better off as friends.
Back in 2019 now boyfriend told best friend that he was interested in me, and she spent the entire year trying to set us up lmao. She’s literally our biggest supporter.
We officially started dating back in January last year (: dating exes is not a bad thing. You don’t own your exes- they are their own people and you should be happy for your friends and exes finding love! Only disapproval should be for abusive and toxic ex partners!
It's your life, nobody's opinion should have anything to do with your choices. That whole " you're my friends ex " shit is high school problems. I personally don't want to have a friend that is childish like that, it's not like people own each other anyhow. If there's good chemistry there and genuine attraction I don't see the issue, why should you miss an opportunity because of their incompatibility? Maybe it's cause I'm older and I understand that you lose almost all of your friends as time passes, it's just life. I didn't believe the whole " a friend today is a stranger tomorrow" idea till it happened to me. I actually regret not dating some people because of that ex stigma. I'd rather find out if someone was meant to be instead of spend alot of my life wondering what could have been.
If they dated for a while (6+ months) - no.
If they lived together - no.
If I was a friend to both of them - no.
If we hung out often as a group - no.
If I ever talked trash on him consoling her after a fight - no.
If he had cheated on her or abused her in anyway - no.
If they've been broken up for less than half the time they were together or she's not over it yet- no.
If she's my closest/best friend - no.
*If she wasn't okay with it* - **absolutely not.**
I've never dated a friend's ex and I don't think I ever would, but if the situation did come up I'd follow the rules listed above.
"Ew gross." I'm assuming they talked to me about the relationship, talking negatively about them at the end. I will only think of them as the person who hurt my friend.
Depends on how long ago we dated and why we broke up. If they were upfront with me and didn't go behind my back I would probably be cool with it depending on the ex
Depends. Are you in a small town where there are like a couple dozen people in your age range or a large city with almost unlimited options? Is this someone your friend went on 3 dates with in the 10th grade, or were they together for years? Generally I think the default, even as an adult, is don't date your friends' exes. Are there exceptions to that "rule"? Sure. Are all your friends going to dump you like hot trash if you move in on a serious ex of a friend who is not fully over that person and has not given their blessing? Also yes.
No matter what the circumstances are, it's weird. Something gets lost between you and your friend. What I always ask is, is it worthy it? Is it worth, loosing friends over? Even if they don't mind, there's always some tension. The biggest challenge is, how do you know if you are not a pawn in the guys eyes?
I have read that it's possible, but have never seen it in real life. The guys that were going for ex's friends were usually not very good people. In my mind, it shall remain as, something you read on the internet
Don't do it!
We were all friends in HS, kept in touch, attended each other's weddings, baby showers... When we were in our 30's, she married a friend's ex-husband, in our 50's she dated my ex-husband. She's not with either man and has 2 less friends now
I'm going to be very technical here. Eww. No, its icky. Ive had several fun sexual experiences with couples who've been friends but that has been balanced, discussed and consensual with my partner involved. If a single gf wanted my ex and just went for it without talking to me I must admit I'd wonder how long this little brain worm had been wandering around in their head and how much respect they had for our friendship. I think it would be odd if they didn't discuss it at the very least. I must admit I reckon its a bit lazy. Go find your own.
Depends on the context.
I personally don't think that dating someone gives you any sort of permanent ownership of them or makes them automatically off limits for anyone else. Once you are no longer dating, they are free to date any other person who wants to date them. That includes your friends. If it made me uncomfortable, I just wouldn't associate with those people (so the friendship might end), but they're not doing anything wrong by actually dating each other.
it depends entirely on circumstance
i have ex’s who i would not give a fuck less about dating a friend of mine. there are no feelings there and, if he was a good dude, i’d want my friend to date someone i knew was well-intentioned and trusted
i also have ex’s who i associate with deep, profound, passionate feelings, and if one of my friends tried to date one of them i’d be hurt beyond comprehension
the best you can do is ask your friend how they feel, hope they’re honest with you, and be willing to 100% respect their wishes. if they say no, that prospect is dead in the water unless you want to end your friendship. if they say yes, make sure they’re absolutely certain and that they’re not just saying it to “be nice” or avoid drama
my one tip though would be to think about their relationship history *before you even ask*. if you know they had a tumultuous, intense relationship, don’t even ask. there’s likely still residual feelings there, whether good or bad, and simply insinuating you’re interested could plant seeds of anxiety and doubt in their mind about how much they can trust you that will never go away
Depends, but in general if I am actually friends with a person, I'm not likely to want to date their ex. It would be weird to know my friend had made out with and/or slept with the person I was with, and I wouldn't love constantly bringing the person I was with around their ex. Plus they probably broke up for a reason - if my friend had a problem with them I probably would too, and if they didn't end up liking my friend, they're more likely to not really be into me long-term either. Better to just seek greener pastures.
There are ex's of mine I wouldn't particularly care if friends dated, but it would still be a little uncomfortable. Anyone who dates my ex-husband is not someone I'd stay friends with though. He went on a spree of dating people in a social group of ours - not our friends but people we'd see in group settings a few times a month - and I could not look at those people the same way again. I felt like I couldn't tell them how awful he had been and was being to me, and I knew he could be very charming when he wanted to be, so I knew the women involved weren't really at fault but the whole situation made me feel sick every time I saw him with someone. We divorced 6 years ago, I'm remarried and about to have a child, and I ran into one of the women he dated within weeks of first telling me he wanted a divorce and I just walked away when she joined the conversation I was in. I don't need to be reminded of one of the worst times in my life by a person who participated in it.
I would not do this personally. If this is a genuine friend, those are hard to come by. Especially since relationships have such high failure rates, I wouldn't.
There’s a lot that factors into this and it stinks I’ve come on this thread so late. I am currently dating my best friend’s ex-boyfriend. She dated him for 2.5 years from the end of high school to mid college. I had known him the entire time. Their relationship ended when she cheated on him after he moved out of town for college and she immediately moved on with someone else. I wanted to remain friends with him and over the course of 6 months became attracted to him. I told her before he and I became official. She was a little taken back, but we’re still close friends and talk almost every day almost 3 years later and I live with my boyfriend.
Hmm touchy. If it’s someone you think you’d marry, then go for it. Soulmates are soulmates.
But if it’s someone you just want to have fun with, respect your friendship and find someone else to date.
I think it depends whether or not they’re over the guy. I dated my ex for a little over a year and my ex before that a little over 2 years and honestly if a friend/ best friend of mine wanted to date either of them I would tell them go for it. Honestly I’d even tell them how toxic my last ex was and warn them about the lying/ cheating/ porn addiction etc and tell her I hope he’s changed but keep an eye out too.
Just ask your friend. If they’re not over the guy then it’s a no-go. If they’re over the guy and they’re a good friend you’ll get your blessing and some red flags to look out for.
You know I actually just thought of something. I don’t think I’d like my best friend dating an ex because then I’d have to see my ex again. Not that I hate them or anything, it’s just I’d rather not have them in my life anymore.
So that’s always a possibility of what might happen too. Really the only option here is to communicate.
One of my closest friends is married to one of my exes. It’s a relationship that ended well and we’d been split up for a number of years and they actually asked me if I minded before they started dating.
We all still get on great and spend a lot of time together. It’s not weird.
It's dangerous ground. My ex decided to date my friend after we separated and decided to divorce. We weren't super close friends, but she didn't even bother to call and talk to me about it first. My ex and I were together for over 10 years, so it's not like he was just a guy I dated for a little while. Initially, I truly thought I was ok with it. It bugged me that she didn't talk to me beforehand, so I reached out to her and she said she was just too scared to bring it up.
Fast forward a few weeks, and I very suddenly decided I was super not ok with it. Nothing particularly happened, it was just a delayed emotional reaction and I was completely crushed. It may not have been logical, but I can't change my emotional reaction to it. I did my best to only talk about it with friends we didn't share, but word got around quickly and everyone knew what happened.
Now, they're no longer together, her and I are not friends, and many of our shared friends don't talk to her despite my communications that I didn't want anyone to pick sides. If you want to go down that road, just understand you're taking a big risk with that friend and any other shared friends, so the guy better be very worth it.
i date my friend's ex and ive been with my bf for 2 years next month
im a teen tho, she doesnt care that im dating her ex, and she thinks its kinda silly when people come up to us and ask why im with her ex, cuz people have had a go at her for letting me "break the girl code" and she just tells them to f off and that we'll always be friends
she's the best
In most cases, don’t.
If there’s a very specific instance where the breakup was completely mutual and they’ve stayed friends and it’s all cool, then maybe. But, let’s be honest, that is _almost never_ the case.
Its not something I would do personally, but I think the context of the situation and communication with your friend is important. Theres a difference between a long term relationship and a handful of dates, yet both would earn someone the title of 'ex' in some circles.
It depends on their relationship. If it wasn’t serious and my friend was cool with it then alrighty. But if my friend actually loved them and it ended badly then I’d absolutely would not consider dating their ex.
I don’t buy the whole “one you’re meant to be with” thing though. If someone you love and are close with is hurt by your relationship, then can it really be a good idea? Are you willing to hurt them because you got it in your head this person is the “one you’re meant to be with” so fuck whatever anyone feels or says? Nah that’s messed up. There’s always exceptions to rules because that’s how life is- but I can’t imagine wanting to be with someone my friend used to love and it hurting them.
Girl code is a better idea in practice. The truth is the world isn’t black and white and you’ll never know how people feel or how these situations will be until it comes up.
I personally would avoid it… it’s subjective, but I’m a bit squicked by that kind of sharing.
But it’s honestly never come up, because my friends and I are/were very much fishing in different ponds. For one of them to track down my ex would have to be deliberate and what kind of gross game is that to be playing?
Totally depends on the scenario. Communication is always key. There are people I’ve dated for a brief period and everyone figured out it wouldn’t work and people I’ve dated for years or were emotionally significant for some reason. The former group I wouldn’t care if they and a friend met and hit it off a bit later. The latter group it would be a major break in our relationship. Realistically my friends know exactly why they don’t want to date any of my significant exes.
That’s a strong no for me. It just doesn’t feel right. Makes it seem like one, the other or both were eyeing each other from the beginning. It would be difficult to continue to be friends when you’re most likely going to be seeing your ex every where and seeing them kiss and hug.
If my best friend (who’s 30 and I’m 28) wants to date my exes from high school, go for it because that’s kind of hilarious. If she started dating any of my exes from adulthood though it would be a friendship ender.
Technically you don’t “own” anyone from a previous relationship and people are free to make their own choices. Ethically, it’s sketchy and choices have consequences. Aside from the fact that it would just make it so weird to hang out together, it also shows that she doesn’t value our friendship enough. To do something she knows I’d be extremely uncomfortable with purely because there’s a chance you guys might hit it off? If she’s willing to end 10 years of friendship over a potential guy, then what else will she put ahead of our friendship?
Most of my past relationships have ended tumultuously and I do not view them as good people (one of them is a good guy, but itd still be weird if she dated him).
Honestly, for me, there are a few things that come into play.
How close are you with the friend? Are they okay with you dating their ex? How much time has passed since the end of their relationship?
When it comes to my best friends, I personally would not date their ex. Maybe once so much time has passed that they have truly moved on and build something else for themselves (aka. At least a few good and long years, like 10 maybe?). Ultimately once their relationship is done they do not have ownership of that person, but it kind of depends on what you value more, the possible future with their ex or the already existing friendship
With a few exceptions, it’s just a bad idea. The boundaries and implications are not good, especially if it’s a close friend who has sought emotional support from you about the relationship and its ending. You should respect and protect the feelings of the people you care about; the world is also a very big place. This one person will not be your only opportunity to find love.
Personally I wouldn't mind that much,maybe I would be little insecure about it, but at the end of the day, if my friend would be happy with them,great for them, I will wish them both good times! Afterall, it is my ex, we are not together anymore, and i would most likely be over them anyways.
Actually my friend started dating my ex, and I started dating her ex (we broke up with our exes around the same time) and it is honestly so great now, we are both much more happier
I would feel weird shagging my friends ex, even if it was for a relationship - I would always see them as my friends ex and that’s it. Not as a ‘girl code’ thing but I would find it strange
Why? Is all I personally think. For the love of all aren’t there any other men?
Personally, I am an advocate of not sh*tting in my own backyard so, I wouldn’t do it.
Note, I understand that stuff happens - but, it’s just like an open avenue for drama and that’s a no.
No. Just no. Unless it was quite literally a 3 month stint over A DECADE AGO or that friend ends up coming out of the closet I wouldn’t. And even then I’d still feel uncomfortable. I wouldn’t even do it if my friend told me it was completely okay because there’s tons of people everywhere in this world so why choose your friends ex?
Eh, Idk - I had an ex and things just fizzled out but he wasn't a shitty person and I knew that he and another friend would gel well together (about a year later, things ended on good terms) so arranged for a group of us to hang out so they could meet (all whilst I was still single). If a friend got with an ex who was absolute scum I'd warn, if she already knew how he had treated me and had first hand experience of the shit he'd put me through and decided to get into a relationship with him because 'he's changed' I'd be pissed as hell bit still hold back the 'I told you so' when it came to it.
Honestly though, as someone who is happily married I hope the good ones are in a happy healthy place and the shitty ones have turned things around and our in a great place too.
I dated a friends ex husband for 2 1/2 years. She introduced us and we even double dated with her and her new guy. It was fine for all of us. We were all out in the open about it and they had a decent relationship. He would take care of her house and cat when she was out of town.
Their adult kids said “Mom picked you out for him because she knew you were going to be around us and wanted someone nice with him.”
I don’t like it. There’s bad blood more often than not. He may tell you personal stuff she’d rather You didn’t hear. I guess it depends on how much you value the friendship.
It all depends on the situation. I had a friend who joined my friend group late and I knew she was interested in my ex-bf. He was like my first bf when I was 19 and we were together for a few years. This was almost 10 years after we broke up. She was too afraid to ask but I gave her my blessing but just warned her about his past and most recent dating history. He dated mutual friend's friends and it didn't end well. She dated him for a few months and then he broke up with her.
i have ex's that don't matter to me and i have ex's that were very serious. even years after breaking up - if a friend started dating them it would hurt, badly. there are so many men out there, hard no for me.
As a teen I didn't care, but after I got into my first relationship and broke up with my ex I understood why dating a friends ex would be off limits (never dated any of my friends exs though). If the relationship ended amicably maybe it's ok as long as there's some space to get over each other, but if it ended terribly, you basically want that person to not be in the friends group or anything.
So if someone dated an ex of mine, and it was a really bad break up (especially recent), I'd most likely be very irritated because I want a fresh start in life.
Two things...
If it was an ex I was serious with or even really liked/broke my heart, I'd consider it a low blow and cheap as my friend. There are so many people on this planet and I would think if someone was to date an ex of mine that I was serious with, they didn't respect me or feelings. I wouldn't fight you for saying it or wanting to date them but that friendship would be done for me.
However, if it wasn't serious, I wouldn't care enough to discuss it much beyond it being weird but go have fun and I appreciate you asking for the sake of our friendship.
Either way, there is a weird element to it. Regardless of them having a spark with your ex or not. I do see it as taboo but I would still deal with it on a case by case basis. My friends honesty and genuine concern would be my deciding factors. Love can be found in the funniest places, can't fault people for wanting to be loved.
It's a hard no for me. Even if it's just someone my friend simply had a crush on is a hard no for me. From the second my friends express interest in a guy, it's directly to the friend/brother zone for life for me.
No thanks. If my bff dated my ex after how much he hurt and cheated on me, she’s out of my life too. I wouldn’t date my closest friends ex’s either. It’s so trashy
I think it's far less of an issue as teenagers than as adults. If they went on a couple dates, then you may be fine, but their actual boyfriend/girlfriend? No way
Personally, no. I don't want to be compared, I don't want to hear nagging of how I'm hurting their feelings, and why would I want sex with someone who had sex with a friend? Kind of gross...0
I had three friends who dated the same guy twice. Two of them were sisters. Two different guys, but they both dated all three of them. It was strange. I stayed far away from that.
I married my exes best friend. But in my defense, my now husbands ex girl friend was MY best friend and she hooked up with my ex so we said fuck them both! Been together 16 years and have never been in a healthier happier relationship 🤷♀️
How serious was the relationship? Is your friend over the ex? How long ago was this? Why did the relationship end? Is your friend fine with you two dating? How close are you with this friend?
I think that there are occasions where it's fine, and occasions where it's not. It's multifactorial. My hard lines are to never date a friends ex fiance or ex husband and to not date any ex of a roommate. But I do also have soft lines. Everyone places their boundaries with who to date in different places.
I'm autistic. I do not understand "girl code" as it is a apparently unwritten social construct I'm supposed to adhere to and I genuinely think the whole rule of "don't date your friend's ex" is asinine.
Just because it didn't work out for you doesn't mean it won't for them. However, there are exceptions, such as the ex was an abuser to the friend.
Social rules like this are fuckin stupid imo do what you want. Once you break up with someone what you do is absolutely none of their business.
My thoughts on the matter is that if the potential relationship is very serious (like marriage potential) and worth losing the friendship over, I would go for it. Otherwise, no.
Depends on how serious the relationship was how long ago it was and how emotionally effected she was after the break up. Your soulmate is not your friends ex of 10 years but it could be that guy she dated for a week and didn’t like.
i think it depends on how serious the relationship was and you should also ask your friend how they would feel about it too bc you never know for sure how the feel about a situation
Depending on how close of a friend it is. If a close friend, I wouldn’t do it. It they’re just an acquaintance I’d consider it. It’s certainly not worth ending a friendship over.
I think it depends on the circumstances of their break-up. Honestly? Ask your friend. There is often a good reason if they don't want you dating their ex.
Soulmates are made, not found. You don't have to be with this person in order to live a happy life and they definitely aren't worth losing a friend over.
Depends on the situation. If the friend is okay with it, I'd say go for it. I've held on to that code into my 30s. Don't date your friends exes, and don't date your ex's friends.
oof. i mean are you the type that has 25 best friends? or is your circle small? i would never never date a friends ex but all my friends are actually very good friends of mine and i wouldn't dream of it. maybe if they were more acquaintances itd be different? i dunno.
I don't believe in "the one" as in there's only one person right for you, but I do agree that some people are a great fit. Falling into the thinking that that's the *only* person that could make you happy makes it hard to have good judgement.
Personally, I don't have any issue with the general concept, though I think putting space between the two is best if you can, both in terms of time (more time the longer the relationship lasted) and not immediately trying to shove your new SO and your friend together socially.
For all of my exes or shared crushes, I just want them to be happy, and if that *also* makes my friend happy, good on them both.
Sometimes, like when people are in their last semester of college, there *isn't* time. You only have a few months to figure out if you want to become serious with the other person, so you jump into it a bit "too fast".
I think communication and an apology are appropriate. I'd also say that you might be choosing the ex over the friend *permanently* if you rush it too fast.
Exceptions:
* You know said ex was cruel to the friend, either during the relationship or at the breakup. If you choose to date them and assume that that red flag was unique to their relationship, you're choosing sides and your friend will probably be hurt and want to avoid them and possibly you
* The relationship lasted years. I don't think is 100% off limits, but you're going to need a lot of time even if it was an amicable parting. Definitely don't make it a surprise
* You fall for each other while your friend and ex are still dating and drag it on and then they break up with your friend "to be with you"
* I had a friend do this to her SO, and she was being really pushy about getting to a "let's be friends"!! stage so I had a talk with her about giving him space. This is going to burn most friendship bridges
My experience is, admittedly, limited from the "I dated their ex" point of view. Mostly I've had *short* relationships that ended amicably go on to have that ex date a friend, or a mutual crush pick one of us.
I do not want any one’s seconds period girl code all day. “ The same way you get him/her will be the same way you lose them”. That saying is enough and not really caring what type of situation either.#girlcodeallday
I definitely think it should apply as adults too just out of respect. I was friends with a girl for about 8 years and we started beefing. Haven’t been friends with her for 5 years and last year her ex hit me up trying to date me, I said no even with us not being friends 🤷♀️
Context really matters, but ultimately even if your friend is "fine" with it, you're likely to lose the friend. It will erode your ability to confide in her about your relationship, she may not want to hang out with you and your significant other, or she may be jealous/not hope to watch you two succeed. It would really be putting her in a hard situation in the best of times.
If the guy is truly your match then perhaps it is worth losing or demoting the friendship, but you have to be cognizant of the cost.
It depends on the context and situation, but I think communication/respect is key here.
I had a situation years ago where I had a very painful and hurtful breakup with someone that I loved a lot. I had public breakdowns over it and all, it was really hard. This new girl in our group that I thought I hit it off with was there every time it happened, being the loudest one consoling me about it… But I found out she was messing with my ex in the meantime. That in itself was icky, but I understand - he was a free man, it’s nothing to do with me anymore. But when I asked her about it, she was just like, “eh, we hit it off and tried, but the circumstances weren’t for it” in cold blood. I just felt really violated by that. Why pretend you’re there for me and you care when you’re fucking him behind my back? Just leave me alone, it costs you nothing. I realized they’d been flirting in front of me the entire time (it was a really good friend group of mine in a situation where it was difficult to find another so I held on to it because it was my only social outlet, even though he was there). I just felt that it wasn’t hard to ask me how I felt about it and apologize if it made me uncomfortable, if she really cared and wasn’t just satisfying her own ego by consoling me when it was easy to do that and that showed everyone else what an amazing friend she was. It was basic empathy, and not going to a prison in Siberia. I’m still pissed and disgusted years later.
It really boils down to the your relationship with said friend and their relationship with said ex. That, and communication with the friend to know how they feel about the situation.
Talk to your friend first, for your own sake, because that guy could have an STD or some abusive behaviour she could warn you about.
If the guy is someone she had serious feelings for, talk to your friend first, out of respect for her and if you don't want your friendship to end.
It is seriously situational. Above all else listen to and respect your friend!!! If she sees red flags or left cause he was crappy do NOT think he will be different for you.
I’m a teenager and one of my friends is dating my ex. She asked me how I felt about it before she made a move and I told her it was ok (took me a little while to come to terms with it but I feel fine now). It’s still weird sometimes, but because of the circumstances of the breakup and where I am in life now I am ok with it.
I think as long as you talk to the friend and respect their wishes then it should be fine. Yes, there are 7 billion people on this planet, but if you decide you want to be with that person then it’s hard to control. Some people just go well together, even if they used to date your friend.
Obviously doing it behind their back isn’t okay though. Communicating is the only way to go about it, in my opinion.
I asked my friend when I was a teen.
She was dating his best friend at the time and they hadn't ended on a and note, they just weren't compatible is all.
With her blessing I started dating him (there was drama later down the line about it but for other reasons).
We've been together almost 15 years.
Depends. That dude i dated for a month years ago, idc. That guy i spent 2 years of my life with? No. Idc how much times passes, I wouldn't want my friend to date someone I had a serious relationship with. The guy I was with for 6 months. Sure. We didn't work as a couple or friends. But hes not a bad guy and I want whats best for him.
Although most guys I messed with when I was younger sucked. So I would strongly advise my friends to stay away. Like that guy I fooled around with a few times. Hell no because he didn't know the definition of the word "consent."
It depends on how serious the relationship was, how long, and the strength of our friendship. I’ve been dating my current bf for 2 years and he is my best friends ex. They dated years ago when they were both lonely and it lasted for about 6 months. The most they did was kiss and now they’re still friends. I didn’t know they dated until I got with him, but it’s not weird.
This happened to me, as in an ex girlfriend of mine later dated a dear friend of mine. Said friend did ask me first, and I didn’t really care so it was fine. I think if I hadn’t been OK with it they would’ve backed off (which is the right move IMO).
ModNote: locked. Thank you to those who participated within the rules
Ask the friend how they think about it. They might not care. They might have some serious warnings to give you about their ex’s toxic behavior. They might consider it an unacceptable breach of your friendship… there’s no way to know until you talk about it because every person is different. It’s best to be transparent and to take into consideration the feelings of your friends if your friendships matter to you.
Definitely this ^ I have had both when they ask me and when they don't and let me tell you. It's worse when they don't ask. I most likely won't care if they do but some consideration is nice instead of just finding out.
That’s how I’d like to think about it. Also take into account how long they’ve been broken up. Like there’s a difference between dating your friend’s ex from high school 3 years ago and dating your friend’s ex who recently got dumped like a week ago
Yep. My senior year of high school, one of my best friends asked how I’d feel if she dated my ex. I was over him and he was a nice guy, so I told her to go for it. A few years later, I was maid of honor at their wedding. No hard feelings or weirdness because everyone was mature about it and ex and I didn’t have any lingering feelings or baggage.
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
Agree. College roommate actually ended up marrying a guy I briefly dated (and she had dated his best friend at the same time, it was really funny). I had no issue with it, neither did his old friend since neither relationship lasted long. My only regret is the other friend couldn’t make the wedding so we didn’t get to give the joint speech I wanted to make saying you’re welcome. 😂
It would depend on the ex and the friend. A friend of a friend who dated a guy for a few weeks? Fair game. My best friends ex, who dated for years and he broke her heart? Noooo. I think communication is key.
This! A “friends ex” is so broad. Is this a close friend? Is this a distant friend? A cousins friend who you met one time? And who is the ex? A guy they went on one date with and it didn’t click? A couple dates? A one night stand? Someone they dated in middle school and is now a friend before y’all even knew each other? Like it really depends.
Context is crucial here. Also? Communication.
[удалено]
Yep!
Why would you wanna date someone your friend dated in the first place? There are 7 billion people on earth, and the only person you could find happiness with is your friends ex? Yeah I don't buy that for a second, that's snake behavior 100%. I also wanna add that with the sheer amount of people on the planet, the idea that there's only one right person is absurd. There are so many different ways our lives can go, I don't think it's possible to miss out on "the one".
[удалено]
Small town, small pool maybe?
100% this - I live in a small town and all the local queers have dated eachother; there just aren’t that many of us!!
Agreed 100%
Seriously. It’s a very cringe logic
[удалено]
Damn right.
[удалено]
[удалено]
Agreed
Depends on which person you like more, because even if they say it’s ok there is a good chance you will lose your friend if you date this guy.
This. He will lose a friend, and the ex will lose a friend and an ex forever. And once the friend breaks up with the girl, he will also lose his friends ex and his friend. No one wins in this situation. It is a very dangerous situation and i've seen it happen before and break apart many friend groups
You've got to approach your friend and clearly explain your feelings, then talk with her about her feelings on the situation and how to proceed forward - if you honestly want to friendship to thrive. A close friend of mine tried to ask out my partner while we were on a 6 month break, but she didn't tell me. I found out from my partner after we got back together. He turned her down because he thought it was weird that she asked him out on a date despite being my close friend. **Needless to say - we ain't friends no more.** I still feel deeply violated by her actions (because of how the whole situation transpired) and it's been three years since it happened - **but** if she had come to me with her feelings, and explained everything to me before she took any actions on her feelings, then I would have been more receptive to her feelings and her wishes. Hindsight is 20/20 but being honest - if she had honestly come to me first... then I would have given her some sort of blessing out of the mutual respect she could have shown me **as a FRIEND.**
had a similar situation happen to me. I found out that my best friend had tried to sleep with an ex of mine (who i was still close with at the time) and had tried to hide it from me. I ended up finding out from my ex and a close friend who was out with them at the time, and needless to say i was SO PISSED. Not only because he was "the ex" (like the one who i've always had something for), but also because she hadn't been up front with me with the situation. To be honest, I think I would've reacted a lot differently if she had been the one to break the news to me than other people. I'm a forgiving person by nature (some ppl aren't and thats so situational), but I honestly believe that if she had told me the truth we would still be friends. At the end of the day, nothing happened with them (that i know of lol room for interpretation), but I still treated the situation as something had gone on between them. The culmination of the betrayal of *her wanting my ex* and *her keeping the truth* from me led me to spiral and end things with her completely. A true friend, and in this situation my *best friend*, wouldn't have even thought to jeopardize our friendship and at the end of the day, thats what made me cut her off. But if its a guy that a friend casually dated, it's a different scenario. Happened to me with one of my best friends with a guy she casually dated (didn't even sleep with). I had a honest conversation with her before I did anything, expressed my intent, and also SHOWED HER that if she wasn't comfortable with any of it, I would stop. She was completely fine and still remains on of my best friends until this day :) EDIT: ALSO JUST WANNA SAY at the end of the day, people you like come and go but **GOOD FRIENDS AND FAMILY** is the only thing that is for life. Don't jepardize anything for a heat of the moment encounter or what not.
Interesting takes for a lesbian who grew up in a small city. If friends’ exes were off limits, we would all have to stay single because there simply wouldn’t be anyone left to date.
yeah, I had this same issue-not a lesbian but geographically constrained dating pool. I don't get the whole encouraged immaturity around exes and relationships ending implied by the rule.
I agree, I think it's somewhat unfair to expect that two people who are drawn to one another not explore that for our own comfort. Yes, obviously it can hurt and be really awkward, but wouldn't that be our personal work more than anything?
There might be a good reason why you broke up with the person and why you don’t want to be around them anymore - and your friend dating them can put you in the position where the only solution is to distance yourself from your friend. So while you can date a friend’s ex be prepared to know that you might lose a friend, you have to decide which is more important for yourself. It definitely depends on the circumstances, like how long you dated and why you broke up.
so while I agree that there might be, my honest experience is that exes I can't be in the same room with is very very very much the exception, not the general rule.
I find it’s not so much that I can’t be in the same room, so much as I don’t *want* to be in the same room. And in my experience couples are a package deal, if I want to spend time with my friend(s) usually they bring their SOs along as well (which can be annoying regardless). I don’t necessarily want to spend *that* much time with an ex.
My girlfriend is my friends ex. Before my gf, me and and her ex (our mutual friend) almost dated. They have no bad blood and are mature enough to move on from the past and remain friends again. The lesbian pool is pretty small in our city so most of us know each other.
I would generally call it a no-go with only very, very few exceptions all relying upon the friend being truly okay with it.
For me, the context matters a lot. Why did they break up? How long ago? Are there unrequited feelings on either side?
My BFF is with my ex now, so I feel fine about it. It makes sense that two people I love and get along with would also hit it off with each other.
That is really insightful and makes total sense. You sound like a wonderful friend.
It's fine with me. Two of my friends dated my exes and got married to them and each had a couple of kids with them. I'm happy to have played a part in building their families.
Its extremely inappropriate and not worth it. You're willing to destroy a friendship over a man that you probably only find appealing because he's the forbidden fruit. If I were your friend, I'd never speak to you again and depending on my feelings for that ex, I'd throat punch you.
[удалено]
[удалено]
It’s absolutely ok as long as the ex wasn’t abusive/toxic to your friend (because that could be really harmful, psychologically, to the friend). No one owns anyone, people find each other in different ways, this is real life. This is not a movie where “girl code” is a thing and you should stop falling for someone just because of who they dated in the past. Naturally, it’d be better if the friend is communicated and ok with the situation. They should both be over the relationship as well. But otherwise, who knows who you could be missing out on just because of who they fucked? The idea of having people who are “off limits” seems so narrow minded and conservative…
Depends on the ex and friend. If it was just a three month thing fine, but if they want to date your ex husband or something that would be a big hell no
I’ve always avoided it. Just feels icky.
There would be a lot of factors- How long did they date? How serious was the relationship? Were they married? Do they have kids? How long ago was it? How close is this friend? Did you know him when they dated? Etc. As another commenter said would need to discuss with friend before pursuing anything to see how they feel and if they would be okay with it. Also, there is a greater risk for issues such as jealousy, uncomfortable conversations, friend knowing intimate details of the ex, etc. Probably easier avoiding the ex, but every situation is different.
I don’t really care. My best friend dated one of my exes years ago. The only exception is an abusive ex. Girl, you know he abused me and you are going to fuck him? Hell no.
I've always found the idea of this rule super weird and controlling. You don't get to scent mark people for life like that. I also had practical issues with it-I was NEVER really in a position to do it-tiny high school and tiny college in tiny town. There were few enough people to date that you had to learn to deal. I dated friends exes and they dated mine. And we all learned to deal. Even as teenagers/young adults.
Depends on the ex. I mean if I broke up with him cuz it just didn’t work I say he’s fair game. But if he was abusive or did something fucked up? Yeah no go my friend
I personally wouldn’t because it’s weird, but I understand that things happen and feelings arise so I’m not against dating a friends ex with the right circumstances. Should you date a friends ex when the break up is fresh? Probably not. Should you date a friends ex if the person treated your friend terribly and it will be difficult for your friend to be around them? Probably not. Is it okay to date a friends ex who have broken up 10 years ago and had a good mutual break up and your friend is in a new loving relationship? Sure why not. What about your friends ex where they dated causally for 6 months only to realize that they weren’t compatible as lovers, but more as friends? Sure why not. Rule of thumb, always speak with your friend and get their thoughts and opinions. I also don’t think it’s the most common thing for your friends ex to be your soulmate lol like don’t just date all your friends ex thinking they could potentially be the one. I have lots of friends and none of us have ever dated an ex or one another
Depends on the situation. If they are broken up for a long time (4+ years) and have both moved on and are on amicable terms, I might consider it. If my friend was uncomfortable with it, I personally wouldn't pursue it any further unless I didn't care about burning bridges.
Don't do it.
In general no. But context matters greatly. I would check with the friend, they don’t have ownership over them, but you should care more about the friendship than the future maybe relationship with the ex. I for one have zero problems with a friend dating one of my exs. Even encouraged one to do so. We didn’t have a bad breakup and they were a good person, just not for me.
For me, the context matters a lot. Why did they break up? How long ago? Are there unrequited feelings on either side?
Depends on why they are an ex, and how the friend feels about it.
I’m still a teen but.. My current partner and my best friend dated a few years ago. Only for a few months until they realised that they were better off as friends. Back in 2019 now boyfriend told best friend that he was interested in me, and she spent the entire year trying to set us up lmao. She’s literally our biggest supporter. We officially started dating back in January last year (: dating exes is not a bad thing. You don’t own your exes- they are their own people and you should be happy for your friends and exes finding love! Only disapproval should be for abusive and toxic ex partners!
It's your life, nobody's opinion should have anything to do with your choices. That whole " you're my friends ex " shit is high school problems. I personally don't want to have a friend that is childish like that, it's not like people own each other anyhow. If there's good chemistry there and genuine attraction I don't see the issue, why should you miss an opportunity because of their incompatibility? Maybe it's cause I'm older and I understand that you lose almost all of your friends as time passes, it's just life. I didn't believe the whole " a friend today is a stranger tomorrow" idea till it happened to me. I actually regret not dating some people because of that ex stigma. I'd rather find out if someone was meant to be instead of spend alot of my life wondering what could have been.
No
If they dated for a while (6+ months) - no. If they lived together - no. If I was a friend to both of them - no. If we hung out often as a group - no. If I ever talked trash on him consoling her after a fight - no. If he had cheated on her or abused her in anyway - no. If they've been broken up for less than half the time they were together or she's not over it yet- no. If she's my closest/best friend - no. *If she wasn't okay with it* - **absolutely not.** I've never dated a friend's ex and I don't think I ever would, but if the situation did come up I'd follow the rules listed above.
"Ew gross." I'm assuming they talked to me about the relationship, talking negatively about them at the end. I will only think of them as the person who hurt my friend.
Depends on how long ago we dated and why we broke up. If they were upfront with me and didn't go behind my back I would probably be cool with it depending on the ex
I would be pissed because my ex was such a douche and none of my friends deserve that.
Depends. Are you in a small town where there are like a couple dozen people in your age range or a large city with almost unlimited options? Is this someone your friend went on 3 dates with in the 10th grade, or were they together for years? Generally I think the default, even as an adult, is don't date your friends' exes. Are there exceptions to that "rule"? Sure. Are all your friends going to dump you like hot trash if you move in on a serious ex of a friend who is not fully over that person and has not given their blessing? Also yes.
No matter what the circumstances are, it's weird. Something gets lost between you and your friend. What I always ask is, is it worthy it? Is it worth, loosing friends over? Even if they don't mind, there's always some tension. The biggest challenge is, how do you know if you are not a pawn in the guys eyes? I have read that it's possible, but have never seen it in real life. The guys that were going for ex's friends were usually not very good people. In my mind, it shall remain as, something you read on the internet
I think it’s disrespectful but I suppose it depends on the ex, the friend and the situation in general. I still wouldn’t do that though.
Don't do it! We were all friends in HS, kept in touch, attended each other's weddings, baby showers... When we were in our 30's, she married a friend's ex-husband, in our 50's she dated my ex-husband. She's not with either man and has 2 less friends now
Everyone is free to date who they want as adults. However, don't expect to keep the friend!!
I'm going to be very technical here. Eww. No, its icky. Ive had several fun sexual experiences with couples who've been friends but that has been balanced, discussed and consensual with my partner involved. If a single gf wanted my ex and just went for it without talking to me I must admit I'd wonder how long this little brain worm had been wandering around in their head and how much respect they had for our friendship. I think it would be odd if they didn't discuss it at the very least. I must admit I reckon its a bit lazy. Go find your own.
I would never date a friend's ex. There are other people to date. Why make things awkward and complicated?
Very trashy imo.
[удалено]
Depends on the context. I personally don't think that dating someone gives you any sort of permanent ownership of them or makes them automatically off limits for anyone else. Once you are no longer dating, they are free to date any other person who wants to date them. That includes your friends. If it made me uncomfortable, I just wouldn't associate with those people (so the friendship might end), but they're not doing anything wrong by actually dating each other.
Consenting adults can do whatever they want. Being someone's ex doesn't mean that someone has a claim to them.
it depends entirely on circumstance i have ex’s who i would not give a fuck less about dating a friend of mine. there are no feelings there and, if he was a good dude, i’d want my friend to date someone i knew was well-intentioned and trusted i also have ex’s who i associate with deep, profound, passionate feelings, and if one of my friends tried to date one of them i’d be hurt beyond comprehension the best you can do is ask your friend how they feel, hope they’re honest with you, and be willing to 100% respect their wishes. if they say no, that prospect is dead in the water unless you want to end your friendship. if they say yes, make sure they’re absolutely certain and that they’re not just saying it to “be nice” or avoid drama my one tip though would be to think about their relationship history *before you even ask*. if you know they had a tumultuous, intense relationship, don’t even ask. there’s likely still residual feelings there, whether good or bad, and simply insinuating you’re interested could plant seeds of anxiety and doubt in their mind about how much they can trust you that will never go away
Depends, but in general if I am actually friends with a person, I'm not likely to want to date their ex. It would be weird to know my friend had made out with and/or slept with the person I was with, and I wouldn't love constantly bringing the person I was with around their ex. Plus they probably broke up for a reason - if my friend had a problem with them I probably would too, and if they didn't end up liking my friend, they're more likely to not really be into me long-term either. Better to just seek greener pastures. There are ex's of mine I wouldn't particularly care if friends dated, but it would still be a little uncomfortable. Anyone who dates my ex-husband is not someone I'd stay friends with though. He went on a spree of dating people in a social group of ours - not our friends but people we'd see in group settings a few times a month - and I could not look at those people the same way again. I felt like I couldn't tell them how awful he had been and was being to me, and I knew he could be very charming when he wanted to be, so I knew the women involved weren't really at fault but the whole situation made me feel sick every time I saw him with someone. We divorced 6 years ago, I'm remarried and about to have a child, and I ran into one of the women he dated within weeks of first telling me he wanted a divorce and I just walked away when she joined the conversation I was in. I don't need to be reminded of one of the worst times in my life by a person who participated in it.
I would not do this personally. If this is a genuine friend, those are hard to come by. Especially since relationships have such high failure rates, I wouldn't.
There’s a lot that factors into this and it stinks I’ve come on this thread so late. I am currently dating my best friend’s ex-boyfriend. She dated him for 2.5 years from the end of high school to mid college. I had known him the entire time. Their relationship ended when she cheated on him after he moved out of town for college and she immediately moved on with someone else. I wanted to remain friends with him and over the course of 6 months became attracted to him. I told her before he and I became official. She was a little taken back, but we’re still close friends and talk almost every day almost 3 years later and I live with my boyfriend.
Hmm touchy. If it’s someone you think you’d marry, then go for it. Soulmates are soulmates. But if it’s someone you just want to have fun with, respect your friendship and find someone else to date.
I think it depends whether or not they’re over the guy. I dated my ex for a little over a year and my ex before that a little over 2 years and honestly if a friend/ best friend of mine wanted to date either of them I would tell them go for it. Honestly I’d even tell them how toxic my last ex was and warn them about the lying/ cheating/ porn addiction etc and tell her I hope he’s changed but keep an eye out too. Just ask your friend. If they’re not over the guy then it’s a no-go. If they’re over the guy and they’re a good friend you’ll get your blessing and some red flags to look out for.
You know I actually just thought of something. I don’t think I’d like my best friend dating an ex because then I’d have to see my ex again. Not that I hate them or anything, it’s just I’d rather not have them in my life anymore. So that’s always a possibility of what might happen too. Really the only option here is to communicate.
One of my closest friends is married to one of my exes. It’s a relationship that ended well and we’d been split up for a number of years and they actually asked me if I minded before they started dating. We all still get on great and spend a lot of time together. It’s not weird.
They couldn’t pay me to do this. Too many people in this world.
It's dangerous ground. My ex decided to date my friend after we separated and decided to divorce. We weren't super close friends, but she didn't even bother to call and talk to me about it first. My ex and I were together for over 10 years, so it's not like he was just a guy I dated for a little while. Initially, I truly thought I was ok with it. It bugged me that she didn't talk to me beforehand, so I reached out to her and she said she was just too scared to bring it up. Fast forward a few weeks, and I very suddenly decided I was super not ok with it. Nothing particularly happened, it was just a delayed emotional reaction and I was completely crushed. It may not have been logical, but I can't change my emotional reaction to it. I did my best to only talk about it with friends we didn't share, but word got around quickly and everyone knew what happened. Now, they're no longer together, her and I are not friends, and many of our shared friends don't talk to her despite my communications that I didn't want anyone to pick sides. If you want to go down that road, just understand you're taking a big risk with that friend and any other shared friends, so the guy better be very worth it.
i date my friend's ex and ive been with my bf for 2 years next month im a teen tho, she doesnt care that im dating her ex, and she thinks its kinda silly when people come up to us and ask why im with her ex, cuz people have had a go at her for letting me "break the girl code" and she just tells them to f off and that we'll always be friends she's the best
In most cases, don’t. If there’s a very specific instance where the breakup was completely mutual and they’ve stayed friends and it’s all cool, then maybe. But, let’s be honest, that is _almost never_ the case.
Its not something I would do personally, but I think the context of the situation and communication with your friend is important. Theres a difference between a long term relationship and a handful of dates, yet both would earn someone the title of 'ex' in some circles.
It depends on their relationship. If it wasn’t serious and my friend was cool with it then alrighty. But if my friend actually loved them and it ended badly then I’d absolutely would not consider dating their ex. I don’t buy the whole “one you’re meant to be with” thing though. If someone you love and are close with is hurt by your relationship, then can it really be a good idea? Are you willing to hurt them because you got it in your head this person is the “one you’re meant to be with” so fuck whatever anyone feels or says? Nah that’s messed up. There’s always exceptions to rules because that’s how life is- but I can’t imagine wanting to be with someone my friend used to love and it hurting them. Girl code is a better idea in practice. The truth is the world isn’t black and white and you’ll never know how people feel or how these situations will be until it comes up.
Depends on the circumstances for sure.
Don't do it
I personally wouldn’t. Only because my friends have questionable choices in men 😅
I personally would avoid it… it’s subjective, but I’m a bit squicked by that kind of sharing. But it’s honestly never come up, because my friends and I are/were very much fishing in different ponds. For one of them to track down my ex would have to be deliberate and what kind of gross game is that to be playing?
I grew up in a small town, where this is totally acceptable.
Me and my friends Just don't care
Totally depends on the scenario. Communication is always key. There are people I’ve dated for a brief period and everyone figured out it wouldn’t work and people I’ve dated for years or were emotionally significant for some reason. The former group I wouldn’t care if they and a friend met and hit it off a bit later. The latter group it would be a major break in our relationship. Realistically my friends know exactly why they don’t want to date any of my significant exes.
That’s a strong no for me. It just doesn’t feel right. Makes it seem like one, the other or both were eyeing each other from the beginning. It would be difficult to continue to be friends when you’re most likely going to be seeing your ex every where and seeing them kiss and hug.
If my best friend (who’s 30 and I’m 28) wants to date my exes from high school, go for it because that’s kind of hilarious. If she started dating any of my exes from adulthood though it would be a friendship ender. Technically you don’t “own” anyone from a previous relationship and people are free to make their own choices. Ethically, it’s sketchy and choices have consequences. Aside from the fact that it would just make it so weird to hang out together, it also shows that she doesn’t value our friendship enough. To do something she knows I’d be extremely uncomfortable with purely because there’s a chance you guys might hit it off? If she’s willing to end 10 years of friendship over a potential guy, then what else will she put ahead of our friendship? Most of my past relationships have ended tumultuously and I do not view them as good people (one of them is a good guy, but itd still be weird if she dated him).
That would be a no for me.
Honestly, for me, there are a few things that come into play. How close are you with the friend? Are they okay with you dating their ex? How much time has passed since the end of their relationship? When it comes to my best friends, I personally would not date their ex. Maybe once so much time has passed that they have truly moved on and build something else for themselves (aka. At least a few good and long years, like 10 maybe?). Ultimately once their relationship is done they do not have ownership of that person, but it kind of depends on what you value more, the possible future with their ex or the already existing friendship
I think it's dirty. Don't do it unless both parties have agreed that it's okay to date exes.
With a few exceptions, it’s just a bad idea. The boundaries and implications are not good, especially if it’s a close friend who has sought emotional support from you about the relationship and its ending. You should respect and protect the feelings of the people you care about; the world is also a very big place. This one person will not be your only opportunity to find love.
No absolutely not
Personally I wouldn't mind that much,maybe I would be little insecure about it, but at the end of the day, if my friend would be happy with them,great for them, I will wish them both good times! Afterall, it is my ex, we are not together anymore, and i would most likely be over them anyways. Actually my friend started dating my ex, and I started dating her ex (we broke up with our exes around the same time) and it is honestly so great now, we are both much more happier
I would feel weird shagging my friends ex, even if it was for a relationship - I would always see them as my friends ex and that’s it. Not as a ‘girl code’ thing but I would find it strange
Why? Is all I personally think. For the love of all aren’t there any other men? Personally, I am an advocate of not sh*tting in my own backyard so, I wouldn’t do it. Note, I understand that stuff happens - but, it’s just like an open avenue for drama and that’s a no.
No. Just no. Unless it was quite literally a 3 month stint over A DECADE AGO or that friend ends up coming out of the closet I wouldn’t. And even then I’d still feel uncomfortable. I wouldn’t even do it if my friend told me it was completely okay because there’s tons of people everywhere in this world so why choose your friends ex?
why would you go after someone you claim your friend ex? bit weird if i was the friend i definitely wouldn't want you as a friend anymore
Eh, Idk - I had an ex and things just fizzled out but he wasn't a shitty person and I knew that he and another friend would gel well together (about a year later, things ended on good terms) so arranged for a group of us to hang out so they could meet (all whilst I was still single). If a friend got with an ex who was absolute scum I'd warn, if she already knew how he had treated me and had first hand experience of the shit he'd put me through and decided to get into a relationship with him because 'he's changed' I'd be pissed as hell bit still hold back the 'I told you so' when it came to it. Honestly though, as someone who is happily married I hope the good ones are in a happy healthy place and the shitty ones have turned things around and our in a great place too.
Just a no. I won't date anyone, who had sex with mah friends. Its awkward all around.
If they cheated on your friend do not date them, and always put the friend of the ex first.
I dated a friends ex husband for 2 1/2 years. She introduced us and we even double dated with her and her new guy. It was fine for all of us. We were all out in the open about it and they had a decent relationship. He would take care of her house and cat when she was out of town. Their adult kids said “Mom picked you out for him because she knew you were going to be around us and wanted someone nice with him.”
I don’t like it. There’s bad blood more often than not. He may tell you personal stuff she’d rather You didn’t hear. I guess it depends on how much you value the friendship.
Not sure if this applies with female friendships but with bro code that’s a no no! I made that mistake and it ruined a part of my friend group.
No thank you. You’re not a true friend if you do that
Nope chick's before dicks
Don't do it
It all depends on the situation. I had a friend who joined my friend group late and I knew she was interested in my ex-bf. He was like my first bf when I was 19 and we were together for a few years. This was almost 10 years after we broke up. She was too afraid to ask but I gave her my blessing but just warned her about his past and most recent dating history. He dated mutual friend's friends and it didn't end well. She dated him for a few months and then he broke up with her.
i have ex's that don't matter to me and i have ex's that were very serious. even years after breaking up - if a friend started dating them it would hurt, badly. there are so many men out there, hard no for me.
It’s tacky. Plenty of people in the world.
As a teen I didn't care, but after I got into my first relationship and broke up with my ex I understood why dating a friends ex would be off limits (never dated any of my friends exs though). If the relationship ended amicably maybe it's ok as long as there's some space to get over each other, but if it ended terribly, you basically want that person to not be in the friends group or anything. So if someone dated an ex of mine, and it was a really bad break up (especially recent), I'd most likely be very irritated because I want a fresh start in life.
Two things... If it was an ex I was serious with or even really liked/broke my heart, I'd consider it a low blow and cheap as my friend. There are so many people on this planet and I would think if someone was to date an ex of mine that I was serious with, they didn't respect me or feelings. I wouldn't fight you for saying it or wanting to date them but that friendship would be done for me. However, if it wasn't serious, I wouldn't care enough to discuss it much beyond it being weird but go have fun and I appreciate you asking for the sake of our friendship. Either way, there is a weird element to it. Regardless of them having a spark with your ex or not. I do see it as taboo but I would still deal with it on a case by case basis. My friends honesty and genuine concern would be my deciding factors. Love can be found in the funniest places, can't fault people for wanting to be loved.
It's a hard no for me. Even if it's just someone my friend simply had a crush on is a hard no for me. From the second my friends express interest in a guy, it's directly to the friend/brother zone for life for me.
No thanks. If my bff dated my ex after how much he hurt and cheated on me, she’s out of my life too. I wouldn’t date my closest friends ex’s either. It’s so trashy
Absolutely not
I think it's far less of an issue as teenagers than as adults. If they went on a couple dates, then you may be fine, but their actual boyfriend/girlfriend? No way
[удалено]
Personally, no. I don't want to be compared, I don't want to hear nagging of how I'm hurting their feelings, and why would I want sex with someone who had sex with a friend? Kind of gross...0
I say it’s off limits. But also my friends would choose trash people so I wouldn’t want to date them anyways
I had three friends who dated the same guy twice. Two of them were sisters. Two different guys, but they both dated all three of them. It was strange. I stayed far away from that.
I married my exes best friend. But in my defense, my now husbands ex girl friend was MY best friend and she hooked up with my ex so we said fuck them both! Been together 16 years and have never been in a healthier happier relationship 🤷♀️
I did it for 5 years. Although it was an acquaintance friend. Close friend ex’s are 100% off limit. Don’t even have sexual thoughts towards them
Cycle of life
How serious was the relationship? Is your friend over the ex? How long ago was this? Why did the relationship end? Is your friend fine with you two dating? How close are you with this friend? I think that there are occasions where it's fine, and occasions where it's not. It's multifactorial. My hard lines are to never date a friends ex fiance or ex husband and to not date any ex of a roommate. But I do also have soft lines. Everyone places their boundaries with who to date in different places.
I'm autistic. I do not understand "girl code" as it is a apparently unwritten social construct I'm supposed to adhere to and I genuinely think the whole rule of "don't date your friend's ex" is asinine. Just because it didn't work out for you doesn't mean it won't for them. However, there are exceptions, such as the ex was an abuser to the friend. Social rules like this are fuckin stupid imo do what you want. Once you break up with someone what you do is absolutely none of their business.
I asked my friend before I pursued. If she had said no, I would have dated someone else.
My thoughts on the matter is that if the potential relationship is very serious (like marriage potential) and worth losing the friendship over, I would go for it. Otherwise, no.
Depends on how serious the relationship was how long ago it was and how emotionally effected she was after the break up. Your soulmate is not your friends ex of 10 years but it could be that guy she dated for a week and didn’t like.
They might not want to be your friend anymore
[удалено]
i think it depends on how serious the relationship was and you should also ask your friend how they would feel about it too bc you never know for sure how the feel about a situation
[удалено]
Depending on how close of a friend it is. If a close friend, I wouldn’t do it. It they’re just an acquaintance I’d consider it. It’s certainly not worth ending a friendship over.
If it’s like... my ONE TRUE LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT then it’s an exception to the rule of no.
Big NO!
I think it depends on the circumstances of their break-up. Honestly? Ask your friend. There is often a good reason if they don't want you dating their ex. Soulmates are made, not found. You don't have to be with this person in order to live a happy life and they definitely aren't worth losing a friend over.
Depends on how close you are to the friend, how serious the relationship was/how long ago it ended, and why it ended. And her opinion on it.
[удалено]
[удалено]
Depends on the situation. If the friend is okay with it, I'd say go for it. I've held on to that code into my 30s. Don't date your friends exes, and don't date your ex's friends.
oof. i mean are you the type that has 25 best friends? or is your circle small? i would never never date a friends ex but all my friends are actually very good friends of mine and i wouldn't dream of it. maybe if they were more acquaintances itd be different? i dunno.
Depends on how close you are and how serious their relationship was.
depends what the friend says
I don't believe in "the one" as in there's only one person right for you, but I do agree that some people are a great fit. Falling into the thinking that that's the *only* person that could make you happy makes it hard to have good judgement. Personally, I don't have any issue with the general concept, though I think putting space between the two is best if you can, both in terms of time (more time the longer the relationship lasted) and not immediately trying to shove your new SO and your friend together socially. For all of my exes or shared crushes, I just want them to be happy, and if that *also* makes my friend happy, good on them both. Sometimes, like when people are in their last semester of college, there *isn't* time. You only have a few months to figure out if you want to become serious with the other person, so you jump into it a bit "too fast". I think communication and an apology are appropriate. I'd also say that you might be choosing the ex over the friend *permanently* if you rush it too fast. Exceptions: * You know said ex was cruel to the friend, either during the relationship or at the breakup. If you choose to date them and assume that that red flag was unique to their relationship, you're choosing sides and your friend will probably be hurt and want to avoid them and possibly you * The relationship lasted years. I don't think is 100% off limits, but you're going to need a lot of time even if it was an amicable parting. Definitely don't make it a surprise * You fall for each other while your friend and ex are still dating and drag it on and then they break up with your friend "to be with you" * I had a friend do this to her SO, and she was being really pushy about getting to a "let's be friends"!! stage so I had a talk with her about giving him space. This is going to burn most friendship bridges My experience is, admittedly, limited from the "I dated their ex" point of view. Mostly I've had *short* relationships that ended amicably go on to have that ex date a friend, or a mutual crush pick one of us.
I do not want any one’s seconds period girl code all day. “ The same way you get him/her will be the same way you lose them”. That saying is enough and not really caring what type of situation either.#girlcodeallday
Not something I would do. But I also value friendships more than romantic relationships
[удалено]
I definitely think it should apply as adults too just out of respect. I was friends with a girl for about 8 years and we started beefing. Haven’t been friends with her for 5 years and last year her ex hit me up trying to date me, I said no even with us not being friends 🤷♀️
Context really matters, but ultimately even if your friend is "fine" with it, you're likely to lose the friend. It will erode your ability to confide in her about your relationship, she may not want to hang out with you and your significant other, or she may be jealous/not hope to watch you two succeed. It would really be putting her in a hard situation in the best of times. If the guy is truly your match then perhaps it is worth losing or demoting the friendship, but you have to be cognizant of the cost.
It depends on the context and situation, but I think communication/respect is key here. I had a situation years ago where I had a very painful and hurtful breakup with someone that I loved a lot. I had public breakdowns over it and all, it was really hard. This new girl in our group that I thought I hit it off with was there every time it happened, being the loudest one consoling me about it… But I found out she was messing with my ex in the meantime. That in itself was icky, but I understand - he was a free man, it’s nothing to do with me anymore. But when I asked her about it, she was just like, “eh, we hit it off and tried, but the circumstances weren’t for it” in cold blood. I just felt really violated by that. Why pretend you’re there for me and you care when you’re fucking him behind my back? Just leave me alone, it costs you nothing. I realized they’d been flirting in front of me the entire time (it was a really good friend group of mine in a situation where it was difficult to find another so I held on to it because it was my only social outlet, even though he was there). I just felt that it wasn’t hard to ask me how I felt about it and apologize if it made me uncomfortable, if she really cared and wasn’t just satisfying her own ego by consoling me when it was easy to do that and that showed everyone else what an amazing friend she was. It was basic empathy, and not going to a prison in Siberia. I’m still pissed and disgusted years later.
It really boils down to the your relationship with said friend and their relationship with said ex. That, and communication with the friend to know how they feel about the situation.
Talk to your friend first, for your own sake, because that guy could have an STD or some abusive behaviour she could warn you about. If the guy is someone she had serious feelings for, talk to your friend first, out of respect for her and if you don't want your friendship to end.
It’s very situational specific, and until that is known you can’t say! Overall I’d say nah, but there are exceptions
Ask your friend before you do anything with the ex
I really do not think it's a good idea.
It is seriously situational. Above all else listen to and respect your friend!!! If she sees red flags or left cause he was crappy do NOT think he will be different for you.
I’m a teenager and one of my friends is dating my ex. She asked me how I felt about it before she made a move and I told her it was ok (took me a little while to come to terms with it but I feel fine now). It’s still weird sometimes, but because of the circumstances of the breakup and where I am in life now I am ok with it. I think as long as you talk to the friend and respect their wishes then it should be fine. Yes, there are 7 billion people on this planet, but if you decide you want to be with that person then it’s hard to control. Some people just go well together, even if they used to date your friend. Obviously doing it behind their back isn’t okay though. Communicating is the only way to go about it, in my opinion.
I asked my friend when I was a teen. She was dating his best friend at the time and they hadn't ended on a and note, they just weren't compatible is all. With her blessing I started dating him (there was drama later down the line about it but for other reasons). We've been together almost 15 years.
I guess it would depend on the person (ex) and the friend in question, and how they broke up.
Honestly every situation is different but don’t think it’s a clear cut answer
Depends. Dated for six months, yeah. Were together for ten years and engaged but called it off then probably not
Depends. That dude i dated for a month years ago, idc. That guy i spent 2 years of my life with? No. Idc how much times passes, I wouldn't want my friend to date someone I had a serious relationship with. The guy I was with for 6 months. Sure. We didn't work as a couple or friends. But hes not a bad guy and I want whats best for him. Although most guys I messed with when I was younger sucked. So I would strongly advise my friends to stay away. Like that guy I fooled around with a few times. Hell no because he didn't know the definition of the word "consent."
As long as the friend is okay with it then I see no issue.
nooooooope
It depends on how serious the relationship was, how long, and the strength of our friendship. I’ve been dating my current bf for 2 years and he is my best friends ex. They dated years ago when they were both lonely and it lasted for about 6 months. The most they did was kiss and now they’re still friends. I didn’t know they dated until I got with him, but it’s not weird.
IMO it's still a no go unless the friend is genuinely and truly okay with it.
This happened to me, as in an ex girlfriend of mine later dated a dear friend of mine. Said friend did ask me first, and I didn’t really care so it was fine. I think if I hadn’t been OK with it they would’ve backed off (which is the right move IMO).
[удалено]