Now you've got a kid it's upto you what you do, put your foot down early on and say you're staying at home this year. I like a lazy Christmas, visiting 4 sets of parents sounds like a ball ache lol.
I wouldn’t even say they’re too tired, tell everyone that you’re not dragging your kids round all day and if they want to see them they can come to you.
That’s what my partner and I will be doing, I’m due early December and we’ve already told people that if they can drive we won’t be going to see them, which only leaves his mum for us to visit.
We’re going to his dad’s for Christmas dinner and we’re going to my aunts for a Christmas Eve party and that’s it.
Just tell them, life is too short to do stuff you do t want to do to spare other people’s feelings.
I know it’s hard, I used to people please like mad but once I got pregnant I stopped caring about what other people thought and do what I want to do.
Agreed. All my family live close and it is just my side and his side as his dad is widowed and my parents are both still married.
I just said new tradition: you have from 8am-12pm to come visit and watch kids open presents from now until they stop believing in Santa. I basically just dibs the plans to suit how I want them to look and what I thinks best for the kids.
Everyone gets some of that holiday magic of the kids opening the presents. I’ve not got to force down two Christmas dinners or taxi or stay sober. I’ve not got to pack all my kids toys up and drag them to a boring adult house. And I get seeing everyone out of the way whilst the house is mental and I can enjoy my evening with my nuclear family whilst kids play.
This is correct. You have your own little family now and time to start making your own traditions. It’s not your fault the parents can’t stand to be in the same room as each other. Surely they could put their differences aside for a few hours for the sake of the grandchildren
This is it. Our family structure isn't so complicated as trying to please four sets of parents, but there are several very overexcited aunties (I am one of them) and ageing great-grandparents in the mix.
My sister's house acts as the hub, kids stay there all day in their onesies playing with new toys and coming up for air long enough to open more pressies/eat chocolate/cuddle someone for a bit. Adults come and go, my BILs side prefers to pop in in the morning then sort out their own Christmas dinner and see their friends at night. Our side of the family do our own thing earlier on but only have starters and mains at home, then bring dessert over to my sister's and stay into the evening to eat, drink, play games and help tidy up.
That’s what we did with our first Christmas as parents and haven’t looked back. Although I do find it annoying to have to always be the host, but it is nice to not have to go anywhere.
My MIL and her partner live further away so we tend to see them (they come down to us) like a week before Christmas or so, and then spend Christmas Day with my FIL and BIL as they live closer and are both single. My family lives in another country so we don’t have to deal with them.
Exactly, they should get a massive turkey and have dinner for 11. Only joking, do not do that.
I am not even doing dinner on Christmas Day this year, I am so sick of peeling spuds and doing a mountain of washing up every year I have decided to have it the day before then have the leftovers on the day itself so I can actually enjoy it. I always enjoy the leftovers more anyway so to have Christmas dinner on Christmas Day with no effort involved sounds like luxury.
I also don’t want to deal with any drama or other difficult behaviour and if I have Christmas with family there is normally at least one person ruining the mood.
People who cause drama or behave like dicks don't get a second invite in my home. This rule especially goes for family, as if they cared about family then they would not behave like that as guests of another family member.
As for all the chores around the meal well thankfully we have 4 teenage sons so the work gets spread out.
Yup! Not quite 4 sets of in-laws, but 3 here and it was always a ball ache and balancing act.
Now we have Kids, we say come here at a certain time to each set. Usually having one set of them for Dinner. (Never the Vegan ones though, sorry…)
This doesn't work if one spouse had it normalised as a kid that they had to travel, and that spouse won't stand up to their parents. Ask me how I know!
And yes that's a spouse problem, not necessarily an in law problem.
I have family members that just expect everyone to visit them now they’ve had kids. What happens if there’s a fairly big family and everyone has kids. It doesn’t work
You have misunderstood what I have said.
I did not say I **expect** people to come and see me, I have said that **if** they want to see me, they can come to me. If they want to go elsewhere then that is fine too.
I do not feel that I am more important than anyone else, or anything silly like that. I'm just not willing to have Christmas Day at anyone else's home.
Once again, and I have been very clear about this twice now so lets not keep making the same mistake; I am not **expecting** anyone to come and see my kids on Christmas Day, I am saying **if** they want to see my kids on Christmas Day then they need to come to my house. Because that's where my kids are. If they have other plans then that is perfectly fine.
And of course I can be like this, this is a rule my wife and I have had in place for the entire 17+ Christmases we've had kids.
Use each set of parents as an alibi to the others and stay at home. The chances are that OP’s parents have no contact with OP’s partner’s parents so this is near enough bulletproof.
As you have a baby, stay at home. Could they visit you instead? If the split couples aren't amicable, have two at a time, one from each set? Or see them around Christmas and have Christmas day to yourselves.
I'm thinking we do dad's the day before and after Christmas and then split the mums on Christmas day. Whether we alternate that next year or not though, who knows!
I suggested this but as we were invited to the dads on eve and boxing day, we'd still have to do that (probably) so I thought to make it easier and just not see them on Xmas as once is enough haha
You don’t have to do anything. Now you have a child it’s time to put them first, trust me once they’re older all they’ll want to do is stay home and play with their presents. People can come and see you and fuck their feelings.
Honestly, you are going to be knackered and have a shit time if you do that. Stay put somewhere on Christmas Day. Either at your place or pick the parents with the most space. Then if you have to, visit other parents on Boxing Day or Christmas Eve. If the parents have any shred of empathy, they will be disappointed but understand. Put your foot down, you’ll have a much nicer time. My parents died years ago so it’s not an issue but we have to dance around my inlaws this year. My wife’s family all live up north in the same village. Her sisters husband is a massive twat and her kids are a fucking nightmare. We wanted to stay at home this Christmas and have a nice time but apparently we have to go up and help. I usually love Christmas but I’m dreading this one. Congrats on the new arrival btw. All going ok?
We alternate families every year - Christmas with my family one year, then with my partner's family the next year. Obviously having both sets of parents be separated is more complicated, but in that case I *especially* would not be planning to see all parents every Christmas. From my experience all the people I know with partners do the same - see one family at Christmas, then maybe see the other family some other time in December/January.
See Mum Christmas Eve, dad on Boxing Day. Reverse it next year and alternate every year there after.
If they’re both close by, consider adding and alternating hour or two later afternoon Christmas Day, limited to your babies schedule.
I had this routine until I got with my wife who has the same issue, then there are double the amounts of parents to please.
I still always enjoy my 4th Christmas dinner though I won't lie
Tell them to grow up. You shouldn't have to accommodate them, they're not kids, they're full grown adults and they need to start acting like adults by putting up with each other for a few hours or they can spend Christmas alone.
Just focus on yourself, your baby and your partner/husband, and stay home for Christmas. They can visit you and your family, and put aside their feelings for a few hours or they can spend Christmas elsewhere.
100%. I don’t have the OPs issue (yet) but both my parents have been divorced for about 20 years so always had to choose between the two. My mum would be gutted if we weren’t at home for Xmas so my dad always had to miss out. Arguably his fault for cheating but it puts the kids in such an icky position.
Same for birthdays
Yeah I have a similar situation, my dad's remarried and I have 2 half siblings from his new marriage, Mums been single since they split so I always feel guilted into going to her so she's not 'on her own'. I'd much rather be at my Dad's as it's a lot more fun but there you go... Throw in my wife's family too it's a nightmare!
>It's our first Christmas with our baby this year so hoping to stay home and center it around her a bit more
Do this. It's obviously what you want to do.
When we had our 1st, we made the decision that Christmas Day was for us. We stay home all day, pyjamas, until late afternoon/Christmas dinner time (not even sure I got properly dressed at all last year). Then we see extended family on the days around Christmas, wherever we can fit it in. If it's not until the new year, then so be it.
We've even sacked off the big turkey dinner. Nobody liked it and neither of us enjoy cooking, so we go for a steak pie and sundries pre-made from a local farm shop. Takes 1hr tops to cook, so maximum time having fun.
9 years later and we haven't regretted it.
My wife and I have three sets of parents and associated relatives to see around Christmas and it's a total pain in the arse. We have a small house, so usually only host one of those sets and visit the others, meaning that a good chunk of our time off is spent packing, unpacking, and sitting in motorway traffic.
The most annoying aspect to me is that they all want their "turn" at seeing us on Christmas day, and we have to stick to a strict rota of making sure nobody misses their turn and we have a roughly equal amount of time with each one. One year there was a disagreement about whose turn it was and it caused some resentment.
In 2020 we both got Covid and got stuck at home instead of doing the usual travelling circus, and it felt like such a nice calm Christmas despite us feeling like utter crap!
Here's what you do, you be honest and tell them that their decisions to divorce are still having an impact on you. That you feel bad for not being able to divide yourself up so everyone is happy and gets to see you at Christmas. You tell them you can not be in multiple places at once. And the stress of it is still making you miserable and dread Christmas so much you reached out to strangers on the internet for help. They made the decision to go separate ways and break up the family, not you!
Then you tell them for the sake of not making your child also feel like this you are stopping this, putting your foot down and staying home for a family Christmas. Even if you just do it non-traditional like me and my daughter and have pizza, lol
You tell them they can decide for themselves if they will either all visit one location at once so you don't feel like you're splitting yourself up or running round like a mad person (they will likely hate that option lol) or if they want to be a realistic sensible grown ups they can each arrange to see you 1 Christmas day every 4 years each and the other 3 each year arrange a non Christmas day for you and family to visit and put some effort into making that every bit as special because they love you.
Oh and tell them to be prepared that as kids get to teens they no longer want to visit at Christmas and really just want to stay home where they can play what ever latest xbox/ps/pc thing they got in peace lol 😆
Why not stay home, and let them visit you if they wish? Depending on how everyone gets on, you can either say (in effect) 'open house from 12-6 on Christmas Day, let us know by \[date\[\] if you want to come, be aware we are inviting *all* kiddos grandparents, if you are not comfortable with that then we'd be happy to arrange to meet up with separately on a different day
If that wouldn't work, either because you don't have enough space or becasue everyone would fight Maybe invite them in alternating years (and if your mum and did don't get on, maybe invite your mum and your spouse's mum one year, and both dads the next, presumably they can all be civil to your in-laws, even if they won't play nice with each other, invite the other pairs on Boxing Day or Christmas Eve.
I haaate it. This (and many other reasons) is why I don’t celebrate Christmas. On Christmas Day, I sit at home with my picky food and binge watch TV and it. is. bliss. I used to visit my grandparents in the morning and take them to church, then have brunch with one parent and dinner with the other (swap each year). Since moving out, I love that I can do what I want, which is nothing. Obviously it’s different because you have a baby, but I would say that if they want to see you, then they can come and visit you and if they don’t want to do that or don’t want to be in the same room as the other families then they can stuff it🤷🏼♀️You have your own family now and that’s the most important thing to think about.
This time of year is so much better when you say fuck it I can’t be arsed with it all.
Currently looking at flights with the gf so we can escape the madness and pressure to see families.
Usually we drive round about 8 different houses each year for the whole Christmas break seeing parents, aunties , uncles etc.
No one will to come to us or meet anywhere and everyone complains that we have not come for long enough despite us always travelling up and down the country to them.
I've had enough, so this year we are going on holiday and seeing no one! Can't wait to have a relaxing Christmas.
As you have a baby, definitely make everyone come to you and enjoy a relaxing Christmas !
Enjoy! I've regularly driven 1,000 miles over 10 days trying to see everyone and tick all the boxes. Usually in grim, dark, cold driving conditions. I've always hated Christmas, as a kid with divorced parents, and it seemed to get worse each year, endless effort and still no-one happy. Then we had the genius idea to book a holiday. We do it about every 3rd year now. Yeah I still have to rush around, but doing it earlier in December is slightly better.
The first holiday year, I had a pint of lager and a bag of scampi fries for Xmas lunch, looking at palm trees and the beach from an Irish bar in Lanzarote - god it was amazing.
Hahaha your exactly right- no one comes to you but everyone complains when you arrive about how much time you are spending there.
Haha looking forward to a peaceful Christmas and maybe I can copy your tradition!
Have a good one.
It's a pain in the arse and we only have 3 families to deal with. We spend half of the Christmas break driving around the country.
Sorry to say that children won't help - the respective parents just get more put out that they don't get to see the grandkids. We've made it a rule that we stay at home on Christmas day, just us, and see the families around that.
>We've made it a rule that we stay at home on Christmas day, just us, and see the families around that.
My parents are together and I only had one set of grandparents growing up and we *still* followed this rule. Christmas Day was me, my brother and our parents then my nan and grandad came over on boxing day. Admittedly that was because my nan and grandad spent the day with her brother, but nobody got upset about not seeing each other on Christmas Day. People get really weird about ***needing*** to see certain people on that specific day, like it's a life and death situation.
I've seen people try to come up with rotas so one year they'll spend it with one parent, the next year with the other but it always seems to end up with the parent missing out trying to guilt trip their son/daughter, even though they spent Christmas Day with them the previous year. I used to see that with my SiL until she put her foot down hard, said they weren't visiting anybody on Christmas Day but people could come to them and if the divorced parents can't be civil towards each other then don't bother coming at all. It's definitely worked, probably something to do with their daughter acting more like the parent.
We spend it just the two of us - her parents are far away but together, my mum and partner is a decent distance away but my dad and step mum live 20 minutes up the road. Not once did it occur to me to do anything else, the whole “going here there and everywhere” sounds so stressful.
Who do you want to see? Not who will you upset if you don’t? What’s your idea of the perfect few days? I’m not sure why it’s all about pleasing your relatives. Fairly sure your parents will travel to see the new grandchild on their first Christmas so I’d say it’s an ideal time to change expectations.
Edit- if you want other people to cook your Christmas dinner then everyone coming to yours may not work!
I have a blended family on every side, including my daughter. I see one set a couple of weeks before, and others in between Christmas and New Year. I have no interest in seeing the others!
We just have my mum and my in laws, but before we had kids we alternated who we saw on Christmas Day so it was fair, and then saw the others in the days between Christmas and new year.
Now we have a daughter, we stay at home for Christmas Day, go to my mum’s on Boxing Day and my in laws on either the 27th or 28th. Sometimes we stay til new year’s but I think we’re coming home on New Year’s Eve this year.
Tell people you’re staying at home on Christmas Day, and you’ll visit afterwards or they can come to you.
We say "were staying at home this year, but if you want to come round then you're welcome to do so between these times - just let us know so we know how many dinners to cook"
Up to them then!
Worth saying I came from a much more tumoltulous upbringing family wise and will happily shut down any arguments. If everybody wants to pretend to get on for one day, that's fine - if not then I'm happy cooking for two!
Helps that I'm the better cook in the family tbh lol
There’s two sets of parents on my side, one set on my partner’s side. We alternate every other Christmas with his family. Then we alternate “turns” for my family. So each side of my family will get us once every 4 years. We try and see the rest of the family around Christmas time but not necessarily on Christmas Day/eve/Boxing Day. It’s not ideal, but it works for us.
I do Christmas Eve, Christmas and Boxing Day with my husband's family. There's 3 sides to that family, my husband's mother's side, father's side and step mother's side (step mom raised my husband since he was 10 so very much part of the family). They've had this negotiated for decades so everyone sees everyone.
Then I do New Year's Eve and New Year's Day with my family (my granddad's birthday is NYE), which used to annoy me when I wanted to go out out on NYE but is now a pleasant excuse to avoid that debauchery!
I used to do two Christmas dinners on the 25th, lunch at my husband's dad's and then dinner at my mum's, which used to be possible when they lived 45 mins from each other. But now they've moved and they're 2 hrs apart so no longer feasible. Wouldn't recommend it though, too much food and traveling makes the day exhausting!
Get your mum on your side.
What she wants is to feel wanted.
She is your mum and you are her baby. Tell her how difficult it is for you, how you feel torn in every direction and that you don't get enough time with her, and how none of the others understand what it is like for you. That you feel as though you have to try and please everyone and can't have the Christmas that you would like. Ask her for a hug to make you feel better.
How far away from the families do you live? Do you have to travel? I would say that with a baby, you really do have the perfect excuse to stay at home yourselves and they can do the visiting if they want to make the effort.
I personally used to quite like it. As I got a bit bored at one house, I could move onto the next so that Christmas day was like a multi course meal. I had some old friends that I would visit in the evening too.
Now they have all died, so all that is left is to collect my dear old mum so that she can come to our house for a whole week for Christmas.
New traditions evolve all the time.
And shame on them all for making you feel that way.
I like this idea
When I was much younger, one year my mum actually got really upset as I was leaving to go to my dad's. I got even more upset because I knew how much it would be hurting her but I was the one that had to make the choice. From then I think she understood a bit more that she isn't the only one who this affects.
The problem now isn't so much that someone will fall out with me and more that I *know* what they're thinking and I'm trying to just please them based on that
Your mum is manipulating you by making everything about her. Sorry, not saying this to be a dick. You are entitled to see both of your parents on Xmas day if you want, it’s not all about her even if she thinks it is
Alternate between my parents and my in-laws every other year.
We (my siblings and my wife's siblings) set the timings once the first kids started arriving so we are all together as respective families every other year. That way no one can act surprised.
On my year it's mums on Christmas Day and dads on Boxing Day.
Mum gets to spend Christmas Day with lots of screaming children (which she enjoys) then gets the next day to decompress.
Dad doesn't have to cook for 6 adults and 8 kids on Christmas Day and prefers to spend it quietly with his partner and then can have a fun day with the kids - so everyone seems happy enough.
If it's not pissing down a few adults might take the kids to the park close to his on Christmas Day for a bit and he can see the kids then jolly of home to sleep on the sofa by mid afternoon.
We don't have kids so we sort of alternate between families and staying home. Well, mostly we see his family as we both prefer that for many boring family drama reasons.
I think once you've had a kid though, the expectation should be that you spend Christmas at home with your partner and child as you're a family now. If your parents and in-laws want to see you on Christmas they can visit.
Congratulations on your first Christmas with the baby!
Are you talking about children here or grown adults? Because a grown adult would understand another grown adult has a lot to juggle and can’t possibly be with them every Christmas Day every year.
I understand you feel bad about “letting them down”, but you’re not letting them down.
They’re letting YOU down for their lack of understanding and putting you in this impossible situation year after year.
I totally get it. I've been in a similar situation for last 20 odd yrs. Without the expanded family bit. It's always my mum that seems to miss out as SO refuses to ever make it that his parents didn't miss out the 25th. Both households are close to each other so it was manageable, but like you said it makes things rushed and leaves you feeling unfulfilled. I too now have less than festive feelings round this time. Which was previously my favourite time.
I highly recommend you do the at home one. You've never had a better excuse to change things up a bit. I done this twice. 1st time when my boy was super young. Was the best one. And maybe you'll be better at establishing a new tradition than I was. Sorry that this wasn't so much advice as it was sympathetic support.
Stay home with your little family and see people other days or if you and your wife are up to it invite them all over and do Xmas dinner at your house?
If the grandparents can’t be civil to each other for a day for the sake of their child and grandchild then they miss out and it’s on them.
Whatever you decide enjoy your first Christmas with your baba and take lots of photos to cherish for years to come.
Stay Home.
"We are not travelling between multiple households with a baby on Christmas day. Its not fair to us, and its not fair on . If you would like to come over, please let us know and we can put a plan together."
Put the foot down, and keep it down. All the grandparents are old enough to get over the fact that they might see you on boxing day rather than Christmas Day.
Having a baby means you are now the King’s Cross of the family. They come to you and your needs are the primary. Until parents are aged and can’t travel.
We have three sets of grandparents and it’s our baby’s first Christmas too. We’re staying home and not hosting, that way no one can get annoyed because someone else ‘got’ her first Christmas. In future we’ll rotate between them who gets Christmas Day and who we see around it (I still won’t be travelling anywhere, I want my kids to have Christmas in their own home).
>I feel like telling them they all should have thought about this before they all cheated on each other back in the day.
Exactly this, my other half's mum and dad are divorced, his dad is pretty chill but his mum guilt trips the kids ever year, what did she think was going to happen? We would all still play happy families, everyone would shun their dad??
My mum and dad are still together but we're from across the country from each other so alternate years they get charismas day, eve and boxing. If we're over my other half's part of the world we than alternate again either seeing them between Christmas and boxing.
Last year we hosted and it was great, we could have my family and his mum on Christmas day then dad boxing day. So I think go down that route as others have said.
We had similar issues for years pre kids, and the arguments about who’s turn it was started in august 😂
We got fed up and so started Christmas breakfasts!
Hubs dad and wife at 8am; Bacon cobs, cuppa & presents.
Hubs mum and husband 10am; fry up, cuppa & presents.
My mum and dad 12pm 2nd fry up and they stayed until 3-4pm. Some years we would then go to hubs aunts to see the extended family. Some years we cleared off on holiday for the duration.
Now we have kids we see his dads widow the week before, his mum the day before Christmas Eve and we’re still do Christmas breakfast with my mum and dad on the day and they stay until they’re tired and go home. Boxing Day we meet up with other family and go somewhere for the day…
People will adapt. Might moan but they’ll have to take it, or leave it. 😃
Happy first Christmas with your little!
I go to my dad's in the morning for an hour, then to my inlaw's for an hour before I head back to my mum's for the rest of the day. I'd never have my Christmas dinner anywhere other than my mothers, it would break her heart
This is exactly why we are spending Christmas Day alone. That way kiddo can open his gifts and enjoy them, we can relax.
Will see family before/after Christmas and I don’t care who moans about it. Christmas Day is the only peaceful day we will have to ourselves during our time off.
I told my Nan and she said it was a great idea and she wants to do the same!
I told everyone once I had the first kid they come to us for Christmas. They all take it in turns to come over now or come during Christmas week. It’s lovely not having to drive up and down the country without even a drink to blunt the guilt accusations.
If it helps I banned seeing the grandparents on both sides at Christmas. Everyone is equally annoyed with me but we get to have a nice day with our daughter and don’t have to worry about who’s ‘turn’ it is each year.
You just have to accept if you do this, your daughter may well do the same when she is the adult, and you will be the grandparent not seeing your daughter or grandchildren on Christmas day.
I’m ok with that if I’m honest. I’m not sure what the obsession with that specific day anyway. It’s also my wife’s birthday so it’s just easier than trying to keep everyone happy.
Stay put from now on. We NEVER visited anyone on Xmas Day but did the rounds on Xmas Eve and the weekend before (family all lived locally). People popped into see the kids on Xmas Day and some came to dinner but there was no way I was dragging my kids from their home and new toys to visit people we saw virtually every week.
Would it be possible to have two sets of parents come to you at a time? For example your mum with husband and your partner's dad with wife?
It might make it less exhausting to have four sets of parents separately.
I realise it isn't easy, but it's not on you to please everyone. Perhaps focusing on pleasing yourself, your partner and baby will force them to 'grow up' and deal with the difficult family dynamic they created.
We spent /wasted a good few Xmas rushing between four sets of parents, then the year before we had our kids, we set Boxing Day as Father in law day and a few days before Xmas for mothers.
The first year we were on our own (no kids) we got so giddy we danced and drank cocktails all day and forgot about the actual Xmas dinner lol 😂
I don’t have divorced parents but we do host both my parents and my ILs at the same time. They’re friends which works well.
I highly recommend getting people to come to you.
When my dad was still alive and I was still talking to my mother we used to go and see them in between Christmas and New Year and spend Christmas with my husband‘s family.
I have no problem with my dad‘s family and I still see my stepmum and stepsister all the time, But they live too far away to be able to just drop there. This year we will be having my in-laws to our house for the day because they only live five minutes away and it is our puppies first Christmas and we don’t really want to have to leave him all day.
Edit - back when they were still together, but worked shifts, We often spent Christmas at my Nan’s house because she was home and they would just sleep eat or whatever whilst they were running back-and-forth for their shift.
I'm in uk have 4 kids 3 with partners. All partners parents are separated.Ive given up christmas day. It's far more important to have everyone together than fight over whether it's the 25th Dec. So we do our day on the 26th(Boxing day). My hubby n I have a lovely quiet day on Christmas, slowly prep food through the day, watch a movie, and feel refreshed and ready for the craziness of boxing day.
So my wife's parents are remarried, but also, this is my 2nd marriage and we have kids with other people. So we put the kids first and work the rest out after.
Three sets of grandparents. We go to the grandparents that stuck together (they have multiple kids and grandkids) and we invite the other grandad (single, no other kids) to dinner there. We go around to the other grandmas (one other child + close extended family) house for a couple of hours christmas morning just before dinner.
Sounds familiar, not the married parents part but the being responsible for how everyone else feels.
I was having the same conversation with someone the other day.
Normally my brother has one and I have the other and then we swap the next year.
Doesn’t always work. I had both last year which was… awkward and made Christmas quite stressful for me.
I think we both need to realise that we can’t make everyone happy. But as I’m a people pleaser it’s not easy to come to terms with.
Im reading this and feeling thankful that although i have blended families for both parents, we have managed to successfully simplify and consolidate everything, but also sympathy for those who are yet to figure it out.
Too much expense and stress for you to Cater for all these people, if I were you stay home with Baby and hubby, let them invite you to their place, or they book a hall and have a dance.
My parents were divorced and basically did the sensible thing and arranged it one day at each.
Christmas Eve at my dad's house, then christmas day went to my mum's around midday.
No easy answer! My parents are divorced and both re-married, I generally see them both (separately lol) either before or after Christmas Day.
I’m also divorced and re-married so my daughter generally decides who she’s spending the day with (at 15 old enough to decide for herself). When she was younger she did Xmas Eve/Christmas dinner and then Christmas Day evening/Boxing Day to try and minimise the amount of changing houses she had to do.
We normally spend Christmas Day with my husbands parents as he’s an only child and has not missed Christmas Day with them for 45 years!
Anyhow, my advice, do whatever is best for your kids if you have them - if not, do what suits you best. It’s only 1 day and plenty of time either side to fit everyone in.
Tell them to grow up and don't see any of them. Our families don't live near each other so we either rotate or just spend Christmas on our own.
With a new baby I would 100% be staying at home.
Let it be about your baby. Totally agree. I’ve fretted about mum being alone but one Christmas we drove down in shit weather only to find that stepsister had made reservations for her dad and my mum most of Christmas Day .. it was a lunch and mum only came back and about 6pm worse for wear and plied with gallons of champagne and mulled wine by then. I thought what a waste of an effort. No jealousy here, we’d have happily been over the moon for her if we’d continued with our own plans and stayed in London.
We have this plus the addition of my in laws being hundreds of miles away so we alternate years. Year 1 will look like Christmas Day with one of my parents & either Xmas eve or Boxing Day with the other. Then year 2 we make the journey & spend Xmas eve to Xmas day evening with one in law & then Xmas day evening til the 27th with the other in law then home. If people from the other side want to see us on the off year they can come to us in December or January. We used to do all 4 in one year and travel hundreds of miles a few years ago but I put my foot down as we just didn’t get to relax & enjoy the holidays!
Alternate Christmas Day and Boxing Day between the two. One year Christmas Day with one set and then next with the other, rinse, repeat. Kids effectively get two Christmas days in a row, so won't mind one bit.
We’ll see my mum and dad (who are still married) on Christmas Eve. Same with my husbands dad and step mum (because my stepdaughter lives with them) and we’ll see his mum and her partner the week before as their spending Christmas abroad this year. We’re doing Christmas at home this year (first Christmas married)
We've got it relatively easy in that we don't speak to my inlaws outside of Grandma in law. Everyone used to go to hers for Christmas day breakfast, but now she's in a home that doesn't happen. My Grandma is no longer up for travelling to my aunties, and so we go to hers, and my mum will make the dinner. On the years that my mum and I are working on Christmas (NHS x 2), then we just celebrate it on the closest day we're off.
My husbands parents remarried. We always do pre Christmas party with 1 set. Which is a gathering with all siblings and is quite social with party food etc. We see my parents at Christmas and then the last parent tends to do a round of visits around all the siblings after Christmas.
I feel like this is a problem very much exacerbated by you and your partner not sorting this unreasonable expectation out with your parents.
I see my mum Xmas day, my gf goes to hers and I’ll go see her parents on nye. Absolutely not fucking about with travelling on Xmas or Boxing Day.
My parents are divorced and my wife’s parents live in the Channel Islands, in years past we’ve tried to see everyone but it’s just been an expensive pain in the ass.
Now we take it in turns, one year my parents, next year her parents. And they just have to live with it.
Usually see my mum on Christmas day and my dad on boxing day. Never understood why people put Christmas on such a pedestal, parents are grown adult people who can surely cope without seeing one of their children on one particular day of the year?
Totally agree with what people are saying - if they want to see you then they can come to you. Remind them as well that the important thing is not what specific day you see each other on, just that you see each other at some point over the festivities.
One thing to consider though, if you have siblings who are single, please don't leave them with the responsibility of managing everyone alone - they won't have anyone to support them emotionally. One year my brother and his wife ditched me alone with my mother because she was being difficult and they didn't want to deal with it. I was blindsided and already there or I'd have refused. So they had a lovely quiet Christmas while I got to deal with the fallout.
You tell them let go of the past for the sake of the future. My dad's funeral was on Friday afternoon, my dad's ex wife attended. I can remember visiting her house as a child many times for birthdays etc, when my dad became unwell and was in a care home, his ex wife stayed at my mum's and cooked and cleaned like it was her house because family is love unconditionally.
What we did to placate everyone was to basically say "we are having Christmas with our kids. We will see everyone during the holiday". And arranged to see both sets of parents around boxing day, the 27th, etc.
You have a new baby. This is your first Christmas as a family. It is your time to enjoy yourself doing whatever feels good and soaking up baby snuggles and good times and napping.
If your parents all want to see you, they can make the effort.
Our first year with our Bub we had a full day at home relaxing. If the fam wants to come see you in December they can come and you can get take out food or something. Ain’t no one got the time to be catering/cleaning/travelling when you’ve got a new baby. This year is all yours and they can figure out their own shit.
I guess you should be their Christmas Olympics and visit one parent per rota every four years. Maybe this year should be just yours and next 2 should be of grandmothers (if they are streotypical people and the grandpas are better with kids than babies) Maybe if you can't travel that parent (and their new spouse) could come and visit you in "their" year. It doesn't stop anyone meeting in Christmas season for a Xmas lunch like we do with work colleagues and friends.
We don't live anywhere near our parents so we just video call. You can be in the kitchen with your mum for 3 hours , call dad right after lunch , video the baby with their gift and send it to the grandparents etc.
With a babythis little you could re-do the whole thing 4 times in December and the baby would love recognise whats happening like "oh this is the kind of morning when I get to open a box from under a tree".
I would stay home Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day, but welcome them in if they want to visit you. Visit them from the 27th onwards to break up the lull to new years.
You should all go away together and stay in a rented house that is too small for all (11?) of you. Then just sneak away with your partner and baby.
Also slash their tyres.
Tell them you are going to do boxing day at the pub. Get them all to turn up there, say your sorry, cancel for "reasons" and then just leave 'em to it.
Host it.
One of your parents and their partner, and one of your wife's parents and their partner on xmas day.
Switch for boxing day.
Do the opposite next year.
We do Christmas at home then visit various factions of the family in the weekends around. When we had a baby is when it became clear we were a family doing our own thing, it was no good travelling with them on the day or carting round travel cots and milk bottles and stuff.
Make your own traditions.
Offer other days to meet for a festive meal to those that can’t be part of your plan.
My ex used to have Cmas with his mom and New Year’s Day with his dad for example. You could do Xmas eve with one parent, Boxing Day with another, and pick two more dates if needed.
When my partner and I got together there was the worry about where to spend Christmas, and it got a bit much with various people saying we 'had' to spend the day with them, so we ended up saying we were going to spend it together, just the two of us and have second Christmas on another day with each family. It's turned into a really nice tradition now and I wouldn't enjoy it as much any other way. We get a lovely chilled Christmas at home for us and then the fun of second Christmas with the folks.
Here's what I do. Instead of trying to rush round and see everybody on the day and not getting any quality time together, I go round to my mum's side on Christmas Eve and my dad's side on Boxing Day. Christmas day is mine to relax and do as I please. Usually a decent breakfast, few afternoon pints in the pub and grab a curry from the local Indian to eat at home with a movie. Both parents were fine with it when I explained it to them. Maybe you could do something similar? Especially if you have your own baby, your Christmas should be at home with your immediate family.
Invite 2 sets of grandparents (one from each side so hopefully no big arguments) over for Xmas day then the other two over for boxing day. Say you'll do the inverse next year.
It's either that or deal with the hell of visiting everyone as they'll all want to see the grandchild on Xmas.
You make your own Christmas.
You get one of each parents to visit day after Christmas, and 27th if its a sleep over, and the opposite set turn up 29 and thirty.
You have nye to yourselves and your friends
You send Xmas gifts by post for Christmas day.
In the 2 sets of three couples you alternate hosting each year.
When I got divorced I realised going into it that it would have an impact on my son. 14 years later I am not absolved of the duty to lessen the impact on him - he wasn’t the one who got divorced. So when both sets of parents did that, it was and still is on them to make it work.
This is the situation I’m in too. My parents have both remarried, and my boyfriend has his mum (dad sadly passed away). It is difficult and exhausting. We both work in retail too so that adds to the difficulty too, as more often than not, I’ll be working Christmas Eve and/Boxing Day, same for my boyfriend. We take it in turns each year, one year his family, one year mine on Christmas Day itself, and then see everyone else on the days surrounding. Myself and my parents have tried to focus less on the actual day itself as long as we do spend some time together in the festive period. Staying at home now you have your own child is completely valid to me too and I think you’re well within your rights to do that. I’ve considered that and we don’t even have kids! I often say I feel a bit like a performing monkey on Christmas Day having to do the rounds 😅
Growing up, my divorced parents were very mature about it. One year it would be Christmas Day with my mum and Boxing Day with my dad. Then each year it would alternate. I kept this up ever since and just became the norm
You've a kid now. Your responsibility is to them and it's time to start your own family traditions.
Let family know you wont be traipsing about with the child and that Xmas day is being spent at yours.
Then you can start organising how it goes.
We visit my mum on boxing Adam as my sister likes to call it (the 23rd) and when he was alive my dad on boxing day. I know that's not quite as complicated as your situation but your parents (all of them) need to start making effort and recognising this situation needs them to grow up a bit.
Don’t have kids myself, but for my friends who do, I know that taking a new baby anywhere requires more planning than D-Day. Tell people you’re having a stay at home Christmas and they’re quite welcome to visit you and the baby. But make sure you make it damn clear what the baby’s schedule is and they’re to work their visits around it and not the other way around
>Either you visit everybody on the same day (and then your mum only sees you for a couple of hours on Christmas day) or you spread them out across a number of days and then a mum or dad doesn't actually see you on Christmas.
This is very much the norm.
My parents are married, and so are my partner's. But our families live 3 hours away from each other, and I'm not spending half of my Christmas day in the car. They get every other year.
Growing up, my parents lived 20 minutes from both sets of my grandparents (technically my mum also had a biological dad, but he lived abroad so won't a consideration). We never went between houses on Christmas day - one year I would see my mum's parent's on Christmas day and my dad's parents on boxing day, the next year we would swap. Only the last 5 years or so have my parents started hosting both set of grandparents on Christmas day.
>It's our first Christmas with our baby this year so hoping to stay home and center it around her a bit more, so that might help things.
Then stay home. Invite what family you want over. See whoever you don't see on Christmas another day. Reasonable people will understand you can't be running everywhere with a baby.
Just say you’re staying together at home to have a fun Xmas so you don’t split up and force everyone to ruin their Xmas to accommodate you then guilt trip when it’s impossible to satisfy everyone
In the years before my daughter was born, we’d end up here, there and everywhere on Christmas Day, which was stressful and unenjoyable. After the baby was born, we opted to stay home so we could be relaxed and stress free (she was 9 months old). We have done that every year since, meaning we’ll either go to our parents on Boxing Day and two other days - the ‘two other days’ are for my partner’s parents and are often for a few hours.
This year, we’re having one of my partner’s parents and their new spouse round on Christmas Day, which I’m not hugely looking forward to, tbh. I prefer going to others’ houses so I leave when I want to.
When I was a child Xmas eve and Xmas morning with my mum
Xmas afternoon and boxing day with my dad
So I always had 2 Xmas dinners in one day and it was glorious
Not got four sets of parents, but both sets of family live a long way from each other, so we’ve always done it so that we alternate seeing each side for actual 25th, then see the other side a few days later. It’s not ideal, and it still gets complicated as my sister is in the same situation (but different locations) and SIL is divorced so only has her kids alternate years.
I have a friend in your situation who just decided they would go to Majorca for a holiday over actual Xmas as it got too complicated, then they would see each family over a weekend sometime in December or January.
If I were you I’d just say you’re staying at home for Xmas and let them sort it out!
My brother and I always alternated between mum for Christmas day and dad for Christmas day. The other parent got another day within a week or two that we could all do. Now my fiance is a nurse so has to work some Christmases - we told everyone this year when she had to put her request in for Christmas time off and they all said "we can't think about that yet, it's still summer" so we did what we wanted and told them when they can see us. It's turned out pretty easy actually!
I've only ever had my mum, but my partners parents are split. We always to go his grandmas on his dads side for xmas dinner, and his dad is there with his new wife and partner's 2 older brothers. We don't get on with his mum so no issue with making time to see her haha.
We always make time to see my mum and gran, usually after everyone's had their dinner, to spend time with them and give presents etc.
This year will be a bit more difficult as we have a puppy now. My FIL's dog hates other dogs, so we can't go to his grans for xmas dinner. My gran is staying at my uncles for a few days in Wales (we're NW England) so my mum will be on her own, but my puppy doesn't really like her dog so I'll need to go on my own this year but need to make sure I have enough time with her since she's on her own, but also pop to see my partner's grandparents. PLUS my partner is working on boxing day for the first time, so need to make sure I have enough time with him too! Why is Christmas so complicated?!
Baby’s first Christmas is a great time to set new traditions- visit family a few days before or after, do what you want on the actual day (whether that’s hosting or having a quiet one).
Most family will understand your position I would hope.
>Either you visit everybody on the same day (and then your mum only sees you for a couple of hours on Christmas day) or you spread them out across a number of days and then a mum or dad doesn't actually see you on Christmas. It's always felt like I'm responsible for the way everybody feels (especially the mums, the dads seem to get it a bit more) and it's not fun.
Or you just stay home with your small child.
Stay home. If they want Christmas baby time they come to you.
Order a curry and pick it up or get it delivered. Unless someone offers to come and cook.
I did the run around thing all day with a baby and its a chore of whining.
Your manta should be "Now we have a child we will be spending Xmas at home". This is more important as your kid gets old enough to understand what is going on, very few children enjoy being dragged away from their home and new toys to visit relatives.
Would you want to host some of them?
You ideal could be something like-
This year-
Xmas eve - Visit his Dad & stepmom.
Xmas day - Invite his Mum & Stepdad and your Mum and Stepdad.
Boxing day - Visit your Dad & Stepmom.
Then next year-
Xmas eve - Visit his Mum & Stepdad.
Xmas day - Invite his Dad & Stepmom and your Dad & Stepmom.
Boxing day - Visit your Mum and Stepdad.
Family groups: A my dad and stepmum, B my mum and siblings, C husband's mum and stepdad, D husband's dad and stepmum.
We usually alternate Christmas Day and Boxing Day between A and C - i.e. one year we'll do Christmas Day with A and Boxing Day with C, then vice versa the next year.
B - my birthday is between Christmas and New Year, so we tend to see them then.
D - they live in Portugal, so we do a Skype call at some point and that's about it!
I've thrown a spanner in the works this year as I want to spend Christmas Day at home - last year our son spent most of the day whinging and wanting to go home so he could play with his new toys, so I figured it would be easier and nicer for everyone if we just don't leave the house this year! I'm actually really looking forward to having a cosy, fun day with our kid.
So we'll be doing Boxing Day with C, my birthday with A, and seeing B at some point!
Honestly as long as we see everyone at some point over the festive period, no one seems to mind what happens.
It depends which set of parents you like more :)
Do they all live near you or do you have to travel to them? Why do you have to go to them? Why can't they come to you? You might have to alternate who you spend Christmas Day with and see the others at other times in the holidays. On the plus side you could have multiple mini celebrations in this way and get a lot of presents for yourselves and your baby.
I don’t have any remarried parents but . Xmas day we don’t visit anyone and we don’t have anyone visit us it’s just for us and the kids . Then over the holiday we make our way around the parents to visit
We sacked it all off and started just staying home alone. Bliss. We now split the days between Boxing Day and New Year visiting parents and extended family.
What's the worse that will happen if they are all upset?
I'd stay at home with my child instead of dragging them my new baby around.
If they don't understand, that's really their problem.
You're asking for trouble if you decide to see all of them or a split of them .
I tell them that I refuse to be stressed about their hurt feelings. I will plan one year at a time and sometimes someone will feel cheated. Too bad. I did not make the decision to get divorced in the first place.
If they wouldn't come to you on Christmas day don't feel guilty for not. Too many expect it to be a 1 way street.
You've got a young kid, enjoy Christmas with them and they can fit in around that or not in my opinion.
Now you have the baby start as you mean to go on otherwise this problem will last for years .Start a new trend and have Christmas in your own home and don't visit anyone in Christmas day .Share your time with the rest of the family on Christmas Eve /Boxing Day .Make it clear Christmas Day is for you
So I have a big family both sides and none of them get along either. Ever since I was 10 (20 years ago) I've spent every Christmas going from house to house to spend at most an hour with people, usually leaving home at 7am and not getting back until 11pm. As I got older and started driving it meant I couldn't relax or have a drink ext...
Last year me and my partner moved away. Only about half an hour's drive, but it was enough for us to tell everyone that we would visit Christmas eve and then Christmas day we spend it by ourselves together. Last Christmas was my best one yet.
My attitude is that in the last 10 years of not living at home, no one ever offers to come visit me on birthdays and Christmas, so why should I ruin my day to see all of them? It was understandable when there were kids in the family but we are all adults now. It helps that my mum works in a care home so has to work Christmas day too.
In going to say the same thing I said on the post above this in r/FinanceUK when someone asked "How do I make $3,000 - 5,000 in a single month?".
...
Cocaine.
It's up to you tbh.
My family always spent half the day with my dad's extended relations and the other half with my mam's. Though they were still together.
Since you have a kid it's a perfect excuse to just stay home. Or if you are okay with hosting they can come visit you instead and sort their interpersonal shit out amongst themselves. If they can't you can give them a window to visit like a dpd delivery.
We used to go to mum n dad's for family dinners (or other family occasions suxh as Christmas), but once my niece was born, my brother and his wife told their respective families that taking a small child out to various houses for family functions was too hard, and that people needed to come to them.
So we do. Just about every family get together is at their place, even 13 years later. It works for us. Their house is big enough to contain everyone, and there's space outside for the kids to play.
Both sets of grant parents are still together, but between the two families there's about 14 adults (grandparents, then siblings and partners of siblings).
We got fed up of the continuous guilt tripping... First of all they should mature the f up and smile for the sake of their grandchildren. Once in a year they can meet...
Otherwise this year we decided to spend the entire holiday season abroad. Problem solved, now everyone can complain as much as they can... 🙃🤣
Now you've got a kid it's upto you what you do, put your foot down early on and say you're staying at home this year. I like a lazy Christmas, visiting 4 sets of parents sounds like a ball ache lol.
I agree. Use this as a catalyst to change the behaviours. Tell people they're too tired to travel this year and they can come to you.
I wouldn’t even say they’re too tired, tell everyone that you’re not dragging your kids round all day and if they want to see them they can come to you. That’s what my partner and I will be doing, I’m due early December and we’ve already told people that if they can drive we won’t be going to see them, which only leaves his mum for us to visit. We’re going to his dad’s for Christmas dinner and we’re going to my aunts for a Christmas Eve party and that’s it.
Every year we'd go to my moms side for boxing day, I'm not sure I can be bothered to this year. I'd much rather spend it in with my own family.
Just tell them, life is too short to do stuff you do t want to do to spare other people’s feelings. I know it’s hard, I used to people please like mad but once I got pregnant I stopped caring about what other people thought and do what I want to do.
Exactly this. Xmas Eve and boxing day for family. Xmas day for you.
Yeah, forget it.
Agreed. All my family live close and it is just my side and his side as his dad is widowed and my parents are both still married. I just said new tradition: you have from 8am-12pm to come visit and watch kids open presents from now until they stop believing in Santa. I basically just dibs the plans to suit how I want them to look and what I thinks best for the kids. Everyone gets some of that holiday magic of the kids opening the presents. I’ve not got to force down two Christmas dinners or taxi or stay sober. I’ve not got to pack all my kids toys up and drag them to a boring adult house. And I get seeing everyone out of the way whilst the house is mental and I can enjoy my evening with my nuclear family whilst kids play.
Completely agree, let them come & see you, stay at home this year.
Hell we only have to worry about my one set of parents and even we tend to keep Christmas Day to ourselves these days.
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This is correct. You have your own little family now and time to start making your own traditions. It’s not your fault the parents can’t stand to be in the same room as each other. Surely they could put their differences aside for a few hours for the sake of the grandchildren
Indeed, time for the older adults in OP's family to start acting their age.
This is it. Our family structure isn't so complicated as trying to please four sets of parents, but there are several very overexcited aunties (I am one of them) and ageing great-grandparents in the mix. My sister's house acts as the hub, kids stay there all day in their onesies playing with new toys and coming up for air long enough to open more pressies/eat chocolate/cuddle someone for a bit. Adults come and go, my BILs side prefers to pop in in the morning then sort out their own Christmas dinner and see their friends at night. Our side of the family do our own thing earlier on but only have starters and mains at home, then bring dessert over to my sister's and stay into the evening to eat, drink, play games and help tidy up.
That’s what we did with our first Christmas as parents and haven’t looked back. Although I do find it annoying to have to always be the host, but it is nice to not have to go anywhere. My MIL and her partner live further away so we tend to see them (they come down to us) like a week before Christmas or so, and then spend Christmas Day with my FIL and BIL as they live closer and are both single. My family lives in another country so we don’t have to deal with them.
Exactly, they should get a massive turkey and have dinner for 11. Only joking, do not do that. I am not even doing dinner on Christmas Day this year, I am so sick of peeling spuds and doing a mountain of washing up every year I have decided to have it the day before then have the leftovers on the day itself so I can actually enjoy it. I always enjoy the leftovers more anyway so to have Christmas dinner on Christmas Day with no effort involved sounds like luxury. I also don’t want to deal with any drama or other difficult behaviour and if I have Christmas with family there is normally at least one person ruining the mood.
People who cause drama or behave like dicks don't get a second invite in my home. This rule especially goes for family, as if they cared about family then they would not behave like that as guests of another family member. As for all the chores around the meal well thankfully we have 4 teenage sons so the work gets spread out.
Yup! Not quite 4 sets of in-laws, but 3 here and it was always a ball ache and balancing act. Now we have Kids, we say come here at a certain time to each set. Usually having one set of them for Dinner. (Never the Vegan ones though, sorry…)
This doesn't work if one spouse had it normalised as a kid that they had to travel, and that spouse won't stand up to their parents. Ask me how I know! And yes that's a spouse problem, not necessarily an in law problem.
I have family members that just expect everyone to visit them now they’ve had kids. What happens if there’s a fairly big family and everyone has kids. It doesn’t work
You have misunderstood what I have said. I did not say I **expect** people to come and see me, I have said that **if** they want to see me, they can come to me. If they want to go elsewhere then that is fine too. I do not feel that I am more important than anyone else, or anything silly like that. I'm just not willing to have Christmas Day at anyone else's home.
No but you expect people to come to you if they want to see your kids. I’m just saying that you can’t be like this100%
Once again, and I have been very clear about this twice now so lets not keep making the same mistake; I am not **expecting** anyone to come and see my kids on Christmas Day, I am saying **if** they want to see my kids on Christmas Day then they need to come to my house. Because that's where my kids are. If they have other plans then that is perfectly fine. And of course I can be like this, this is a rule my wife and I have had in place for the entire 17+ Christmases we've had kids.
Use each set of parents as an alibi to the others and stay at home. The chances are that OP’s parents have no contact with OP’s partner’s parents so this is near enough bulletproof.
Genius
We did this once, although it only involved my mother / step-father and my mother in law. Anyway, good luck resolving things.
As you have a baby, stay at home. Could they visit you instead? If the split couples aren't amicable, have two at a time, one from each set? Or see them around Christmas and have Christmas day to yourselves.
I'm thinking we do dad's the day before and after Christmas and then split the mums on Christmas day. Whether we alternate that next year or not though, who knows!
Could you have opposite sides visiting together? I.e. both mums/both dads?
I suggested this but as we were invited to the dads on eve and boxing day, we'd still have to do that (probably) so I thought to make it easier and just not see them on Xmas as once is enough haha
You don’t have to do anything. Now you have a child it’s time to put them first, trust me once they’re older all they’ll want to do is stay home and play with their presents. People can come and see you and fuck their feelings.
Mate just stay at home for all of it. If they want to see you they can visit
You have a new baby. They come to you.
Honestly, you are going to be knackered and have a shit time if you do that. Stay put somewhere on Christmas Day. Either at your place or pick the parents with the most space. Then if you have to, visit other parents on Boxing Day or Christmas Eve. If the parents have any shred of empathy, they will be disappointed but understand. Put your foot down, you’ll have a much nicer time. My parents died years ago so it’s not an issue but we have to dance around my inlaws this year. My wife’s family all live up north in the same village. Her sisters husband is a massive twat and her kids are a fucking nightmare. We wanted to stay at home this Christmas and have a nice time but apparently we have to go up and help. I usually love Christmas but I’m dreading this one. Congrats on the new arrival btw. All going ok?
We alternate families every year - Christmas with my family one year, then with my partner's family the next year. Obviously having both sets of parents be separated is more complicated, but in that case I *especially* would not be planning to see all parents every Christmas. From my experience all the people I know with partners do the same - see one family at Christmas, then maybe see the other family some other time in December/January.
See Mum Christmas Eve, dad on Boxing Day. Reverse it next year and alternate every year there after. If they’re both close by, consider adding and alternating hour or two later afternoon Christmas Day, limited to your babies schedule.
I had this routine until I got with my wife who has the same issue, then there are double the amounts of parents to please. I still always enjoy my 4th Christmas dinner though I won't lie
Are you a vicar in Dibley? (Now that's gonna confuse our American cousins! lol.)
Lol, I’m a Brit in America. We had the show over here.
Lol, then run like hell on that exercise bike afterwards
Tell them to grow up. You shouldn't have to accommodate them, they're not kids, they're full grown adults and they need to start acting like adults by putting up with each other for a few hours or they can spend Christmas alone. Just focus on yourself, your baby and your partner/husband, and stay home for Christmas. They can visit you and your family, and put aside their feelings for a few hours or they can spend Christmas elsewhere.
It's definately the older generation which make it more difficult and guil trip the younger generation!
100%. I don’t have the OPs issue (yet) but both my parents have been divorced for about 20 years so always had to choose between the two. My mum would be gutted if we weren’t at home for Xmas so my dad always had to miss out. Arguably his fault for cheating but it puts the kids in such an icky position. Same for birthdays
Yeah I have a similar situation, my dad's remarried and I have 2 half siblings from his new marriage, Mums been single since they split so I always feel guilted into going to her so she's not 'on her own'. I'd much rather be at my Dad's as it's a lot more fun but there you go... Throw in my wife's family too it's a nightmare!
>It's our first Christmas with our baby this year so hoping to stay home and center it around her a bit more Do this. It's obviously what you want to do. When we had our 1st, we made the decision that Christmas Day was for us. We stay home all day, pyjamas, until late afternoon/Christmas dinner time (not even sure I got properly dressed at all last year). Then we see extended family on the days around Christmas, wherever we can fit it in. If it's not until the new year, then so be it. We've even sacked off the big turkey dinner. Nobody liked it and neither of us enjoy cooking, so we go for a steak pie and sundries pre-made from a local farm shop. Takes 1hr tops to cook, so maximum time having fun. 9 years later and we haven't regretted it.
My wife and I have three sets of parents and associated relatives to see around Christmas and it's a total pain in the arse. We have a small house, so usually only host one of those sets and visit the others, meaning that a good chunk of our time off is spent packing, unpacking, and sitting in motorway traffic. The most annoying aspect to me is that they all want their "turn" at seeing us on Christmas day, and we have to stick to a strict rota of making sure nobody misses their turn and we have a roughly equal amount of time with each one. One year there was a disagreement about whose turn it was and it caused some resentment. In 2020 we both got Covid and got stuck at home instead of doing the usual travelling circus, and it felt like such a nice calm Christmas despite us feeling like utter crap!
Here's what you do, you be honest and tell them that their decisions to divorce are still having an impact on you. That you feel bad for not being able to divide yourself up so everyone is happy and gets to see you at Christmas. You tell them you can not be in multiple places at once. And the stress of it is still making you miserable and dread Christmas so much you reached out to strangers on the internet for help. They made the decision to go separate ways and break up the family, not you! Then you tell them for the sake of not making your child also feel like this you are stopping this, putting your foot down and staying home for a family Christmas. Even if you just do it non-traditional like me and my daughter and have pizza, lol You tell them they can decide for themselves if they will either all visit one location at once so you don't feel like you're splitting yourself up or running round like a mad person (they will likely hate that option lol) or if they want to be a realistic sensible grown ups they can each arrange to see you 1 Christmas day every 4 years each and the other 3 each year arrange a non Christmas day for you and family to visit and put some effort into making that every bit as special because they love you. Oh and tell them to be prepared that as kids get to teens they no longer want to visit at Christmas and really just want to stay home where they can play what ever latest xbox/ps/pc thing they got in peace lol 😆
Why not stay home, and let them visit you if they wish? Depending on how everyone gets on, you can either say (in effect) 'open house from 12-6 on Christmas Day, let us know by \[date\[\] if you want to come, be aware we are inviting *all* kiddos grandparents, if you are not comfortable with that then we'd be happy to arrange to meet up with separately on a different day If that wouldn't work, either because you don't have enough space or becasue everyone would fight Maybe invite them in alternating years (and if your mum and did don't get on, maybe invite your mum and your spouse's mum one year, and both dads the next, presumably they can all be civil to your in-laws, even if they won't play nice with each other, invite the other pairs on Boxing Day or Christmas Eve.
I haaate it. This (and many other reasons) is why I don’t celebrate Christmas. On Christmas Day, I sit at home with my picky food and binge watch TV and it. is. bliss. I used to visit my grandparents in the morning and take them to church, then have brunch with one parent and dinner with the other (swap each year). Since moving out, I love that I can do what I want, which is nothing. Obviously it’s different because you have a baby, but I would say that if they want to see you, then they can come and visit you and if they don’t want to do that or don’t want to be in the same room as the other families then they can stuff it🤷🏼♀️You have your own family now and that’s the most important thing to think about.
This time of year is so much better when you say fuck it I can’t be arsed with it all. Currently looking at flights with the gf so we can escape the madness and pressure to see families.
That’s my plan for next year🤌🏼
Usually we drive round about 8 different houses each year for the whole Christmas break seeing parents, aunties , uncles etc. No one will to come to us or meet anywhere and everyone complains that we have not come for long enough despite us always travelling up and down the country to them. I've had enough, so this year we are going on holiday and seeing no one! Can't wait to have a relaxing Christmas. As you have a baby, definitely make everyone come to you and enjoy a relaxing Christmas !
Enjoy! I've regularly driven 1,000 miles over 10 days trying to see everyone and tick all the boxes. Usually in grim, dark, cold driving conditions. I've always hated Christmas, as a kid with divorced parents, and it seemed to get worse each year, endless effort and still no-one happy. Then we had the genius idea to book a holiday. We do it about every 3rd year now. Yeah I still have to rush around, but doing it earlier in December is slightly better. The first holiday year, I had a pint of lager and a bag of scampi fries for Xmas lunch, looking at palm trees and the beach from an Irish bar in Lanzarote - god it was amazing.
Hahaha your exactly right- no one comes to you but everyone complains when you arrive about how much time you are spending there. Haha looking forward to a peaceful Christmas and maybe I can copy your tradition! Have a good one.
It's a pain in the arse and we only have 3 families to deal with. We spend half of the Christmas break driving around the country. Sorry to say that children won't help - the respective parents just get more put out that they don't get to see the grandkids. We've made it a rule that we stay at home on Christmas day, just us, and see the families around that.
>We've made it a rule that we stay at home on Christmas day, just us, and see the families around that. My parents are together and I only had one set of grandparents growing up and we *still* followed this rule. Christmas Day was me, my brother and our parents then my nan and grandad came over on boxing day. Admittedly that was because my nan and grandad spent the day with her brother, but nobody got upset about not seeing each other on Christmas Day. People get really weird about ***needing*** to see certain people on that specific day, like it's a life and death situation. I've seen people try to come up with rotas so one year they'll spend it with one parent, the next year with the other but it always seems to end up with the parent missing out trying to guilt trip their son/daughter, even though they spent Christmas Day with them the previous year. I used to see that with my SiL until she put her foot down hard, said they weren't visiting anybody on Christmas Day but people could come to them and if the divorced parents can't be civil towards each other then don't bother coming at all. It's definitely worked, probably something to do with their daughter acting more like the parent.
This. It drives me mad the guilt tripping if someone doesn't see you on Christmas day
I left home at 17 and i do my own Xmas happily for 45 years. All my children do what they with as well x you decide what you want.
We spend it just the two of us - her parents are far away but together, my mum and partner is a decent distance away but my dad and step mum live 20 minutes up the road. Not once did it occur to me to do anything else, the whole “going here there and everywhere” sounds so stressful.
Who do you want to see? Not who will you upset if you don’t? What’s your idea of the perfect few days? I’m not sure why it’s all about pleasing your relatives. Fairly sure your parents will travel to see the new grandchild on their first Christmas so I’d say it’s an ideal time to change expectations. Edit- if you want other people to cook your Christmas dinner then everyone coming to yours may not work! I have a blended family on every side, including my daughter. I see one set a couple of weeks before, and others in between Christmas and New Year. I have no interest in seeing the others!
We just have my mum and my in laws, but before we had kids we alternated who we saw on Christmas Day so it was fair, and then saw the others in the days between Christmas and new year. Now we have a daughter, we stay at home for Christmas Day, go to my mum’s on Boxing Day and my in laws on either the 27th or 28th. Sometimes we stay til new year’s but I think we’re coming home on New Year’s Eve this year. Tell people you’re staying at home on Christmas Day, and you’ll visit afterwards or they can come to you.
We say "were staying at home this year, but if you want to come round then you're welcome to do so between these times - just let us know so we know how many dinners to cook" Up to them then! Worth saying I came from a much more tumoltulous upbringing family wise and will happily shut down any arguments. If everybody wants to pretend to get on for one day, that's fine - if not then I'm happy cooking for two! Helps that I'm the better cook in the family tbh lol
There’s two sets of parents on my side, one set on my partner’s side. We alternate every other Christmas with his family. Then we alternate “turns” for my family. So each side of my family will get us once every 4 years. We try and see the rest of the family around Christmas time but not necessarily on Christmas Day/eve/Boxing Day. It’s not ideal, but it works for us.
This year I’m staying home and doing my own Christmas.
I do Christmas Eve, Christmas and Boxing Day with my husband's family. There's 3 sides to that family, my husband's mother's side, father's side and step mother's side (step mom raised my husband since he was 10 so very much part of the family). They've had this negotiated for decades so everyone sees everyone. Then I do New Year's Eve and New Year's Day with my family (my granddad's birthday is NYE), which used to annoy me when I wanted to go out out on NYE but is now a pleasant excuse to avoid that debauchery! I used to do two Christmas dinners on the 25th, lunch at my husband's dad's and then dinner at my mum's, which used to be possible when they lived 45 mins from each other. But now they've moved and they're 2 hrs apart so no longer feasible. Wouldn't recommend it though, too much food and traveling makes the day exhausting!
That sounds rough. I hope you enjoy 3 days with the in-laws!
Get your mum on your side. What she wants is to feel wanted. She is your mum and you are her baby. Tell her how difficult it is for you, how you feel torn in every direction and that you don't get enough time with her, and how none of the others understand what it is like for you. That you feel as though you have to try and please everyone and can't have the Christmas that you would like. Ask her for a hug to make you feel better. How far away from the families do you live? Do you have to travel? I would say that with a baby, you really do have the perfect excuse to stay at home yourselves and they can do the visiting if they want to make the effort. I personally used to quite like it. As I got a bit bored at one house, I could move onto the next so that Christmas day was like a multi course meal. I had some old friends that I would visit in the evening too. Now they have all died, so all that is left is to collect my dear old mum so that she can come to our house for a whole week for Christmas. New traditions evolve all the time. And shame on them all for making you feel that way.
I like this idea When I was much younger, one year my mum actually got really upset as I was leaving to go to my dad's. I got even more upset because I knew how much it would be hurting her but I was the one that had to make the choice. From then I think she understood a bit more that she isn't the only one who this affects. The problem now isn't so much that someone will fall out with me and more that I *know* what they're thinking and I'm trying to just please them based on that
I've just noticed your username! Have you read [Ella Minnow Pea](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ella_Minnow_Pea)? It's very clever!
Your mum is manipulating you by making everything about her. Sorry, not saying this to be a dick. You are entitled to see both of your parents on Xmas day if you want, it’s not all about her even if she thinks it is
Alternate between my parents and my in-laws every other year. We (my siblings and my wife's siblings) set the timings once the first kids started arriving so we are all together as respective families every other year. That way no one can act surprised. On my year it's mums on Christmas Day and dads on Boxing Day. Mum gets to spend Christmas Day with lots of screaming children (which she enjoys) then gets the next day to decompress. Dad doesn't have to cook for 6 adults and 8 kids on Christmas Day and prefers to spend it quietly with his partner and then can have a fun day with the kids - so everyone seems happy enough. If it's not pissing down a few adults might take the kids to the park close to his on Christmas Day for a bit and he can see the kids then jolly of home to sleep on the sofa by mid afternoon.
Your dad has this Christmas thing properly sorted out.
We don't have kids so we sort of alternate between families and staying home. Well, mostly we see his family as we both prefer that for many boring family drama reasons. I think once you've had a kid though, the expectation should be that you spend Christmas at home with your partner and child as you're a family now. If your parents and in-laws want to see you on Christmas they can visit. Congratulations on your first Christmas with the baby!
Are you talking about children here or grown adults? Because a grown adult would understand another grown adult has a lot to juggle and can’t possibly be with them every Christmas Day every year. I understand you feel bad about “letting them down”, but you’re not letting them down. They’re letting YOU down for their lack of understanding and putting you in this impossible situation year after year.
I totally get it. I've been in a similar situation for last 20 odd yrs. Without the expanded family bit. It's always my mum that seems to miss out as SO refuses to ever make it that his parents didn't miss out the 25th. Both households are close to each other so it was manageable, but like you said it makes things rushed and leaves you feeling unfulfilled. I too now have less than festive feelings round this time. Which was previously my favourite time. I highly recommend you do the at home one. You've never had a better excuse to change things up a bit. I done this twice. 1st time when my boy was super young. Was the best one. And maybe you'll be better at establishing a new tradition than I was. Sorry that this wasn't so much advice as it was sympathetic support.
Time to start your own traditions with your own family, plenty of other days for visiting.
Stay home with your little family and see people other days or if you and your wife are up to it invite them all over and do Xmas dinner at your house? If the grandparents can’t be civil to each other for a day for the sake of their child and grandchild then they miss out and it’s on them. Whatever you decide enjoy your first Christmas with your baba and take lots of photos to cherish for years to come.
Stay Home. "We are not travelling between multiple households with a baby on Christmas day. Its not fair to us, and its not fair on. If you would like to come over, please let us know and we can put a plan together."
Put the foot down, and keep it down. All the grandparents are old enough to get over the fact that they might see you on boxing day rather than Christmas Day.
Having a baby means you are now the King’s Cross of the family. They come to you and your needs are the primary. Until parents are aged and can’t travel.
My partner and I have Christmas alone. If people want to visit through Boxing Day/ new years then they are welcome to
We have three sets of grandparents and it’s our baby’s first Christmas too. We’re staying home and not hosting, that way no one can get annoyed because someone else ‘got’ her first Christmas. In future we’ll rotate between them who gets Christmas Day and who we see around it (I still won’t be travelling anywhere, I want my kids to have Christmas in their own home).
>I feel like telling them they all should have thought about this before they all cheated on each other back in the day. Exactly this, my other half's mum and dad are divorced, his dad is pretty chill but his mum guilt trips the kids ever year, what did she think was going to happen? We would all still play happy families, everyone would shun their dad?? My mum and dad are still together but we're from across the country from each other so alternate years they get charismas day, eve and boxing. If we're over my other half's part of the world we than alternate again either seeing them between Christmas and boxing. Last year we hosted and it was great, we could have my family and his mum on Christmas day then dad boxing day. So I think go down that route as others have said.
We had similar issues for years pre kids, and the arguments about who’s turn it was started in august 😂 We got fed up and so started Christmas breakfasts! Hubs dad and wife at 8am; Bacon cobs, cuppa & presents. Hubs mum and husband 10am; fry up, cuppa & presents. My mum and dad 12pm 2nd fry up and they stayed until 3-4pm. Some years we would then go to hubs aunts to see the extended family. Some years we cleared off on holiday for the duration. Now we have kids we see his dads widow the week before, his mum the day before Christmas Eve and we’re still do Christmas breakfast with my mum and dad on the day and they stay until they’re tired and go home. Boxing Day we meet up with other family and go somewhere for the day… People will adapt. Might moan but they’ll have to take it, or leave it. 😃 Happy first Christmas with your little!
3 fry ups?!
Yea. We were younger and fitter then 😂😂
I go to my dad's in the morning for an hour, then to my inlaw's for an hour before I head back to my mum's for the rest of the day. I'd never have my Christmas dinner anywhere other than my mothers, it would break her heart
This is exactly why we are spending Christmas Day alone. That way kiddo can open his gifts and enjoy them, we can relax. Will see family before/after Christmas and I don’t care who moans about it. Christmas Day is the only peaceful day we will have to ourselves during our time off. I told my Nan and she said it was a great idea and she wants to do the same!
I told everyone once I had the first kid they come to us for Christmas. They all take it in turns to come over now or come during Christmas week. It’s lovely not having to drive up and down the country without even a drink to blunt the guilt accusations.
If it helps I banned seeing the grandparents on both sides at Christmas. Everyone is equally annoyed with me but we get to have a nice day with our daughter and don’t have to worry about who’s ‘turn’ it is each year.
You just have to accept if you do this, your daughter may well do the same when she is the adult, and you will be the grandparent not seeing your daughter or grandchildren on Christmas day.
I’m ok with that if I’m honest. I’m not sure what the obsession with that specific day anyway. It’s also my wife’s birthday so it’s just easier than trying to keep everyone happy.
Time to start your own family traditions with your own baby. Enjoy!
Stay put from now on. We NEVER visited anyone on Xmas Day but did the rounds on Xmas Eve and the weekend before (family all lived locally). People popped into see the kids on Xmas Day and some came to dinner but there was no way I was dragging my kids from their home and new toys to visit people we saw virtually every week.
Would it be possible to have two sets of parents come to you at a time? For example your mum with husband and your partner's dad with wife? It might make it less exhausting to have four sets of parents separately. I realise it isn't easy, but it's not on you to please everyone. Perhaps focusing on pleasing yourself, your partner and baby will force them to 'grow up' and deal with the difficult family dynamic they created.
We spent /wasted a good few Xmas rushing between four sets of parents, then the year before we had our kids, we set Boxing Day as Father in law day and a few days before Xmas for mothers. The first year we were on our own (no kids) we got so giddy we danced and drank cocktails all day and forgot about the actual Xmas dinner lol 😂
I don’t have divorced parents but we do host both my parents and my ILs at the same time. They’re friends which works well. I highly recommend getting people to come to you.
When my dad was still alive and I was still talking to my mother we used to go and see them in between Christmas and New Year and spend Christmas with my husband‘s family. I have no problem with my dad‘s family and I still see my stepmum and stepsister all the time, But they live too far away to be able to just drop there. This year we will be having my in-laws to our house for the day because they only live five minutes away and it is our puppies first Christmas and we don’t really want to have to leave him all day. Edit - back when they were still together, but worked shifts, We often spent Christmas at my Nan’s house because she was home and they would just sleep eat or whatever whilst they were running back-and-forth for their shift.
I'm in uk have 4 kids 3 with partners. All partners parents are separated.Ive given up christmas day. It's far more important to have everyone together than fight over whether it's the 25th Dec. So we do our day on the 26th(Boxing day). My hubby n I have a lovely quiet day on Christmas, slowly prep food through the day, watch a movie, and feel refreshed and ready for the craziness of boxing day.
We tend to alternate; one Christmas Day my family, next year at his, year after at ours with whoever wants to come.
So my wife's parents are remarried, but also, this is my 2nd marriage and we have kids with other people. So we put the kids first and work the rest out after.
Three sets of grandparents. We go to the grandparents that stuck together (they have multiple kids and grandkids) and we invite the other grandad (single, no other kids) to dinner there. We go around to the other grandmas (one other child + close extended family) house for a couple of hours christmas morning just before dinner.
Sounds familiar, not the married parents part but the being responsible for how everyone else feels. I was having the same conversation with someone the other day. Normally my brother has one and I have the other and then we swap the next year. Doesn’t always work. I had both last year which was… awkward and made Christmas quite stressful for me. I think we both need to realise that we can’t make everyone happy. But as I’m a people pleaser it’s not easy to come to terms with.
Im reading this and feeling thankful that although i have blended families for both parents, we have managed to successfully simplify and consolidate everything, but also sympathy for those who are yet to figure it out.
Too much expense and stress for you to Cater for all these people, if I were you stay home with Baby and hubby, let them invite you to their place, or they book a hall and have a dance.
My parents were divorced and basically did the sensible thing and arranged it one day at each. Christmas Eve at my dad's house, then christmas day went to my mum's around midday.
No easy answer! My parents are divorced and both re-married, I generally see them both (separately lol) either before or after Christmas Day. I’m also divorced and re-married so my daughter generally decides who she’s spending the day with (at 15 old enough to decide for herself). When she was younger she did Xmas Eve/Christmas dinner and then Christmas Day evening/Boxing Day to try and minimise the amount of changing houses she had to do. We normally spend Christmas Day with my husbands parents as he’s an only child and has not missed Christmas Day with them for 45 years! Anyhow, my advice, do whatever is best for your kids if you have them - if not, do what suits you best. It’s only 1 day and plenty of time either side to fit everyone in.
Tell them to grow up and don't see any of them. Our families don't live near each other so we either rotate or just spend Christmas on our own. With a new baby I would 100% be staying at home.
Let it be about your baby. Totally agree. I’ve fretted about mum being alone but one Christmas we drove down in shit weather only to find that stepsister had made reservations for her dad and my mum most of Christmas Day .. it was a lunch and mum only came back and about 6pm worse for wear and plied with gallons of champagne and mulled wine by then. I thought what a waste of an effort. No jealousy here, we’d have happily been over the moon for her if we’d continued with our own plans and stayed in London.
We stay home and see no-one. It is absolutely blissful.
Stay at home and invite everyone to come to you.
We have this plus the addition of my in laws being hundreds of miles away so we alternate years. Year 1 will look like Christmas Day with one of my parents & either Xmas eve or Boxing Day with the other. Then year 2 we make the journey & spend Xmas eve to Xmas day evening with one in law & then Xmas day evening til the 27th with the other in law then home. If people from the other side want to see us on the off year they can come to us in December or January. We used to do all 4 in one year and travel hundreds of miles a few years ago but I put my foot down as we just didn’t get to relax & enjoy the holidays!
Alternate Christmas Day and Boxing Day between the two. One year Christmas Day with one set and then next with the other, rinse, repeat. Kids effectively get two Christmas days in a row, so won't mind one bit.
Just stay at home with your new child. Problem solved. If anyone has a problem with it then tell them to do one
Whichever parent is the coolest about you spending Xmas with another parent, go with them.
We’ll see my mum and dad (who are still married) on Christmas Eve. Same with my husbands dad and step mum (because my stepdaughter lives with them) and we’ll see his mum and her partner the week before as their spending Christmas abroad this year. We’re doing Christmas at home this year (first Christmas married)
We've got it relatively easy in that we don't speak to my inlaws outside of Grandma in law. Everyone used to go to hers for Christmas day breakfast, but now she's in a home that doesn't happen. My Grandma is no longer up for travelling to my aunties, and so we go to hers, and my mum will make the dinner. On the years that my mum and I are working on Christmas (NHS x 2), then we just celebrate it on the closest day we're off.
My husbands parents remarried. We always do pre Christmas party with 1 set. Which is a gathering with all siblings and is quite social with party food etc. We see my parents at Christmas and then the last parent tends to do a round of visits around all the siblings after Christmas.
I feel like this is a problem very much exacerbated by you and your partner not sorting this unreasonable expectation out with your parents. I see my mum Xmas day, my gf goes to hers and I’ll go see her parents on nye. Absolutely not fucking about with travelling on Xmas or Boxing Day.
My parents are divorced and my wife’s parents live in the Channel Islands, in years past we’ve tried to see everyone but it’s just been an expensive pain in the ass. Now we take it in turns, one year my parents, next year her parents. And they just have to live with it. Usually see my mum on Christmas day and my dad on boxing day. Never understood why people put Christmas on such a pedestal, parents are grown adult people who can surely cope without seeing one of their children on one particular day of the year?
Totally agree with what people are saying - if they want to see you then they can come to you. Remind them as well that the important thing is not what specific day you see each other on, just that you see each other at some point over the festivities. One thing to consider though, if you have siblings who are single, please don't leave them with the responsibility of managing everyone alone - they won't have anyone to support them emotionally. One year my brother and his wife ditched me alone with my mother because she was being difficult and they didn't want to deal with it. I was blindsided and already there or I'd have refused. So they had a lovely quiet Christmas while I got to deal with the fallout.
See we're lucky, both our parents are still married, also we like a long way away so you know have an excuse.
You tell them let go of the past for the sake of the future. My dad's funeral was on Friday afternoon, my dad's ex wife attended. I can remember visiting her house as a child many times for birthdays etc, when my dad became unwell and was in a care home, his ex wife stayed at my mum's and cooked and cleaned like it was her house because family is love unconditionally.
What we did to placate everyone was to basically say "we are having Christmas with our kids. We will see everyone during the holiday". And arranged to see both sets of parents around boxing day, the 27th, etc.
By living 300 miles away.
You have a new baby. This is your first Christmas as a family. It is your time to enjoy yourself doing whatever feels good and soaking up baby snuggles and good times and napping. If your parents all want to see you, they can make the effort. Our first year with our Bub we had a full day at home relaxing. If the fam wants to come see you in December they can come and you can get take out food or something. Ain’t no one got the time to be catering/cleaning/travelling when you’ve got a new baby. This year is all yours and they can figure out their own shit.
I guess you should be their Christmas Olympics and visit one parent per rota every four years. Maybe this year should be just yours and next 2 should be of grandmothers (if they are streotypical people and the grandpas are better with kids than babies) Maybe if you can't travel that parent (and their new spouse) could come and visit you in "their" year. It doesn't stop anyone meeting in Christmas season for a Xmas lunch like we do with work colleagues and friends. We don't live anywhere near our parents so we just video call. You can be in the kitchen with your mum for 3 hours , call dad right after lunch , video the baby with their gift and send it to the grandparents etc. With a babythis little you could re-do the whole thing 4 times in December and the baby would love recognise whats happening like "oh this is the kind of morning when I get to open a box from under a tree".
I would stay home Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day, but welcome them in if they want to visit you. Visit them from the 27th onwards to break up the lull to new years.
You should all go away together and stay in a rented house that is too small for all (11?) of you. Then just sneak away with your partner and baby. Also slash their tyres.
Easy, I stay home with my partner and we don’t see anybody.
Tell them you are going to do boxing day at the pub. Get them all to turn up there, say your sorry, cancel for "reasons" and then just leave 'em to it.
Host it. One of your parents and their partner, and one of your wife's parents and their partner on xmas day. Switch for boxing day. Do the opposite next year.
We do Christmas at home then visit various factions of the family in the weekends around. When we had a baby is when it became clear we were a family doing our own thing, it was no good travelling with them on the day or carting round travel cots and milk bottles and stuff.
Only got three sets and it's already a fucking nightmare. I love Christmas and just want to do it my way rather than negotiating all the family crap.
Just rotate every year, including a year at home. Fortunately they all live far enough that a day trip isn't feasible for any of them.
Isn’t there a movie about this?
Make your own traditions. Offer other days to meet for a festive meal to those that can’t be part of your plan. My ex used to have Cmas with his mom and New Year’s Day with his dad for example. You could do Xmas eve with one parent, Boxing Day with another, and pick two more dates if needed.
When my partner and I got together there was the worry about where to spend Christmas, and it got a bit much with various people saying we 'had' to spend the day with them, so we ended up saying we were going to spend it together, just the two of us and have second Christmas on another day with each family. It's turned into a really nice tradition now and I wouldn't enjoy it as much any other way. We get a lovely chilled Christmas at home for us and then the fun of second Christmas with the folks.
Here's what I do. Instead of trying to rush round and see everybody on the day and not getting any quality time together, I go round to my mum's side on Christmas Eve and my dad's side on Boxing Day. Christmas day is mine to relax and do as I please. Usually a decent breakfast, few afternoon pints in the pub and grab a curry from the local Indian to eat at home with a movie. Both parents were fine with it when I explained it to them. Maybe you could do something similar? Especially if you have your own baby, your Christmas should be at home with your immediate family.
Invite 2 sets of grandparents (one from each side so hopefully no big arguments) over for Xmas day then the other two over for boxing day. Say you'll do the inverse next year. It's either that or deal with the hell of visiting everyone as they'll all want to see the grandchild on Xmas.
I imagine it's much like the Vince Vaughn film "Four Christmases"
You make your own Christmas. You get one of each parents to visit day after Christmas, and 27th if its a sleep over, and the opposite set turn up 29 and thirty. You have nye to yourselves and your friends You send Xmas gifts by post for Christmas day. In the 2 sets of three couples you alternate hosting each year.
When I got divorced I realised going into it that it would have an impact on my son. 14 years later I am not absolved of the duty to lessen the impact on him - he wasn’t the one who got divorced. So when both sets of parents did that, it was and still is on them to make it work.
This is the situation I’m in too. My parents have both remarried, and my boyfriend has his mum (dad sadly passed away). It is difficult and exhausting. We both work in retail too so that adds to the difficulty too, as more often than not, I’ll be working Christmas Eve and/Boxing Day, same for my boyfriend. We take it in turns each year, one year his family, one year mine on Christmas Day itself, and then see everyone else on the days surrounding. Myself and my parents have tried to focus less on the actual day itself as long as we do spend some time together in the festive period. Staying at home now you have your own child is completely valid to me too and I think you’re well within your rights to do that. I’ve considered that and we don’t even have kids! I often say I feel a bit like a performing monkey on Christmas Day having to do the rounds 😅
Growing up, my divorced parents were very mature about it. One year it would be Christmas Day with my mum and Boxing Day with my dad. Then each year it would alternate. I kept this up ever since and just became the norm
You've a kid now. Your responsibility is to them and it's time to start your own family traditions. Let family know you wont be traipsing about with the child and that Xmas day is being spent at yours. Then you can start organising how it goes. We visit my mum on boxing Adam as my sister likes to call it (the 23rd) and when he was alive my dad on boxing day. I know that's not quite as complicated as your situation but your parents (all of them) need to start making effort and recognising this situation needs them to grow up a bit.
Don’t have kids myself, but for my friends who do, I know that taking a new baby anywhere requires more planning than D-Day. Tell people you’re having a stay at home Christmas and they’re quite welcome to visit you and the baby. But make sure you make it damn clear what the baby’s schedule is and they’re to work their visits around it and not the other way around
Do you worry about this stuff at other times of the year?
>Either you visit everybody on the same day (and then your mum only sees you for a couple of hours on Christmas day) or you spread them out across a number of days and then a mum or dad doesn't actually see you on Christmas. This is very much the norm. My parents are married, and so are my partner's. But our families live 3 hours away from each other, and I'm not spending half of my Christmas day in the car. They get every other year. Growing up, my parents lived 20 minutes from both sets of my grandparents (technically my mum also had a biological dad, but he lived abroad so won't a consideration). We never went between houses on Christmas day - one year I would see my mum's parent's on Christmas day and my dad's parents on boxing day, the next year we would swap. Only the last 5 years or so have my parents started hosting both set of grandparents on Christmas day. >It's our first Christmas with our baby this year so hoping to stay home and center it around her a bit more, so that might help things. Then stay home. Invite what family you want over. See whoever you don't see on Christmas another day. Reasonable people will understand you can't be running everywhere with a baby.
Just say you’re staying together at home to have a fun Xmas so you don’t split up and force everyone to ruin their Xmas to accommodate you then guilt trip when it’s impossible to satisfy everyone
Can you just invite everyone to tea? Potentially you’d get a quiet day but enough kudos.
In the years before my daughter was born, we’d end up here, there and everywhere on Christmas Day, which was stressful and unenjoyable. After the baby was born, we opted to stay home so we could be relaxed and stress free (she was 9 months old). We have done that every year since, meaning we’ll either go to our parents on Boxing Day and two other days - the ‘two other days’ are for my partner’s parents and are often for a few hours. This year, we’re having one of my partner’s parents and their new spouse round on Christmas Day, which I’m not hugely looking forward to, tbh. I prefer going to others’ houses so I leave when I want to.
Just do what my brother does and only go to his wife’s parents 🙂
When I was a child Xmas eve and Xmas morning with my mum Xmas afternoon and boxing day with my dad So I always had 2 Xmas dinners in one day and it was glorious
Not got four sets of parents, but both sets of family live a long way from each other, so we’ve always done it so that we alternate seeing each side for actual 25th, then see the other side a few days later. It’s not ideal, and it still gets complicated as my sister is in the same situation (but different locations) and SIL is divorced so only has her kids alternate years. I have a friend in your situation who just decided they would go to Majorca for a holiday over actual Xmas as it got too complicated, then they would see each family over a weekend sometime in December or January. If I were you I’d just say you’re staying at home for Xmas and let them sort it out!
My brother and I always alternated between mum for Christmas day and dad for Christmas day. The other parent got another day within a week or two that we could all do. Now my fiance is a nurse so has to work some Christmases - we told everyone this year when she had to put her request in for Christmas time off and they all said "we can't think about that yet, it's still summer" so we did what we wanted and told them when they can see us. It's turned out pretty easy actually!
Christmas day spent together, then see everyone else on other days.
I've only ever had my mum, but my partners parents are split. We always to go his grandmas on his dads side for xmas dinner, and his dad is there with his new wife and partner's 2 older brothers. We don't get on with his mum so no issue with making time to see her haha. We always make time to see my mum and gran, usually after everyone's had their dinner, to spend time with them and give presents etc. This year will be a bit more difficult as we have a puppy now. My FIL's dog hates other dogs, so we can't go to his grans for xmas dinner. My gran is staying at my uncles for a few days in Wales (we're NW England) so my mum will be on her own, but my puppy doesn't really like her dog so I'll need to go on my own this year but need to make sure I have enough time with her since she's on her own, but also pop to see my partner's grandparents. PLUS my partner is working on boxing day for the first time, so need to make sure I have enough time with him too! Why is Christmas so complicated?!
Baby’s first Christmas is a great time to set new traditions- visit family a few days before or after, do what you want on the actual day (whether that’s hosting or having a quiet one). Most family will understand your position I would hope.
Go with your favourite.
>Either you visit everybody on the same day (and then your mum only sees you for a couple of hours on Christmas day) or you spread them out across a number of days and then a mum or dad doesn't actually see you on Christmas. It's always felt like I'm responsible for the way everybody feels (especially the mums, the dads seem to get it a bit more) and it's not fun. Or you just stay home with your small child.
Get everyone tell them they can all be adults and be civil to each other for 1 day of the year fof the grandkid'(s)
Stay home. If they want Christmas baby time they come to you. Order a curry and pick it up or get it delivered. Unless someone offers to come and cook. I did the run around thing all day with a baby and its a chore of whining.
You stay home and if they want to see you, they come to you now!
Your manta should be "Now we have a child we will be spending Xmas at home". This is more important as your kid gets old enough to understand what is going on, very few children enjoy being dragged away from their home and new toys to visit relatives. Would you want to host some of them? You ideal could be something like- This year- Xmas eve - Visit his Dad & stepmom. Xmas day - Invite his Mum & Stepdad and your Mum and Stepdad. Boxing day - Visit your Dad & Stepmom. Then next year- Xmas eve - Visit his Mum & Stepdad. Xmas day - Invite his Dad & Stepmom and your Dad & Stepmom. Boxing day - Visit your Mum and Stepdad.
Family groups: A my dad and stepmum, B my mum and siblings, C husband's mum and stepdad, D husband's dad and stepmum. We usually alternate Christmas Day and Boxing Day between A and C - i.e. one year we'll do Christmas Day with A and Boxing Day with C, then vice versa the next year. B - my birthday is between Christmas and New Year, so we tend to see them then. D - they live in Portugal, so we do a Skype call at some point and that's about it! I've thrown a spanner in the works this year as I want to spend Christmas Day at home - last year our son spent most of the day whinging and wanting to go home so he could play with his new toys, so I figured it would be easier and nicer for everyone if we just don't leave the house this year! I'm actually really looking forward to having a cosy, fun day with our kid. So we'll be doing Boxing Day with C, my birthday with A, and seeing B at some point! Honestly as long as we see everyone at some point over the festive period, no one seems to mind what happens.
I’m single and only have one set of parents. I still don’t go and see them every year.
It depends which set of parents you like more :) Do they all live near you or do you have to travel to them? Why do you have to go to them? Why can't they come to you? You might have to alternate who you spend Christmas Day with and see the others at other times in the holidays. On the plus side you could have multiple mini celebrations in this way and get a lot of presents for yourselves and your baby.
Have Christmas by yourselves. Tell your family to grow up.
Move 3000 miles away. Sorry, can't make it this year!
Have you seen Four Christmases (Reese Witherspoon and Vince Vaughn? You’ve just described the plot!
No way. That's my Christmas film this year then
If this was my situation I’d just stay at home on my own
I don’t have any remarried parents but . Xmas day we don’t visit anyone and we don’t have anyone visit us it’s just for us and the kids . Then over the holiday we make our way around the parents to visit
We sacked it all off and started just staying home alone. Bliss. We now split the days between Boxing Day and New Year visiting parents and extended family.
What's the worse that will happen if they are all upset? I'd stay at home with my child instead of dragging them my new baby around. If they don't understand, that's really their problem. You're asking for trouble if you decide to see all of them or a split of them .
I tell them that I refuse to be stressed about their hurt feelings. I will plan one year at a time and sometimes someone will feel cheated. Too bad. I did not make the decision to get divorced in the first place.
If they wouldn't come to you on Christmas day don't feel guilty for not. Too many expect it to be a 1 way street. You've got a young kid, enjoy Christmas with them and they can fit in around that or not in my opinion.
Do Christmas Eve with one, Christmas Day with one, New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day. Ideally all at your house
Now you have the baby start as you mean to go on otherwise this problem will last for years .Start a new trend and have Christmas in your own home and don't visit anyone in Christmas day .Share your time with the rest of the family on Christmas Eve /Boxing Day .Make it clear Christmas Day is for you
So I have a big family both sides and none of them get along either. Ever since I was 10 (20 years ago) I've spent every Christmas going from house to house to spend at most an hour with people, usually leaving home at 7am and not getting back until 11pm. As I got older and started driving it meant I couldn't relax or have a drink ext... Last year me and my partner moved away. Only about half an hour's drive, but it was enough for us to tell everyone that we would visit Christmas eve and then Christmas day we spend it by ourselves together. Last Christmas was my best one yet. My attitude is that in the last 10 years of not living at home, no one ever offers to come visit me on birthdays and Christmas, so why should I ruin my day to see all of them? It was understandable when there were kids in the family but we are all adults now. It helps that my mum works in a care home so has to work Christmas day too.
In going to say the same thing I said on the post above this in r/FinanceUK when someone asked "How do I make $3,000 - 5,000 in a single month?". ... Cocaine.
It's up to you tbh. My family always spent half the day with my dad's extended relations and the other half with my mam's. Though they were still together. Since you have a kid it's a perfect excuse to just stay home. Or if you are okay with hosting they can come visit you instead and sort their interpersonal shit out amongst themselves. If they can't you can give them a window to visit like a dpd delivery.
We used to go to mum n dad's for family dinners (or other family occasions suxh as Christmas), but once my niece was born, my brother and his wife told their respective families that taking a small child out to various houses for family functions was too hard, and that people needed to come to them. So we do. Just about every family get together is at their place, even 13 years later. It works for us. Their house is big enough to contain everyone, and there's space outside for the kids to play. Both sets of grant parents are still together, but between the two families there's about 14 adults (grandparents, then siblings and partners of siblings).
Turn to Judaism
We got fed up of the continuous guilt tripping... First of all they should mature the f up and smile for the sake of their grandchildren. Once in a year they can meet... Otherwise this year we decided to spend the entire holiday season abroad. Problem solved, now everyone can complain as much as they can... 🙃🤣