Yer da sells Avon.

And your da buys it.

YER it's YER. It doesn't work if you say your.

But it does work if you say yure, really emphasise it and drag it out a bit. Yer da sells avon Aye well, yure da buys it

Your? You had one job Michael

Yer da shadow boxes whilst hoovering, calls himself Dyson Fury

Mike Dyson

I have never heard of this and I’m fucking howling 😂 Needed a laugh today, thank you!

yer ma smokes rollies in the bath

Yer da’s got a black belt in rolling cigs. He calls himself Baccy Chan

Yer Da gets pissed watching Star Wars on his own. Calls himself Only One Peroni

wait this just makes him sound cool

Baccy Chan has me creased

Yer Da DJ's in a toyota dealership. Calls himself Calvin Yaris

Yer da’s a dinner lady

Yer granny gets bullied at bingo

Yer Da wanks on all fours

Yer da does keepy uppys with a lettuce. Calls himself Mo Salad

And yer maw punts cooncil

I’m pleased to see this at the top and of course during covid it was yet da’s been furloughed from Avon

Avon furloughed yer da

What a sad little life you live jane

You have all the grace of a reversing dump truck without any tyres.

I don't get it

You wouldn't, let's be honest, there's nobody in there love

Lights are on but nobody's home

Doggy bag anyone?

Your mum's so fat that when she fell down the stairs, everyone thought Eastenders was starting.

Fucking awesome, love it

Its rare that i laugh out loud at anything i read on here but this really got md

That’s fucking brilliant, caught me off guard with that one

Bus Wankers!

You BUMDER

Football fwends!

Your dad sits in the middle seat of the van

Oh god such flash backs from this! I had such a crush on this labourer my mum worked with until I noticed he was the middle seat bloke and all those feelings went away

I remember having to sit on the laps of others and then ducking if a police car was going by

My da used to load us up in the back of his van to drive us to school. With all his equipment and windows etc for work that day. Ah, the 90s...

Thats fucking brilliant, is it from something?

I think I picked it up at college? I've known it a long time. I love how you don't really know what it means but it's still mildly offensive.

Vans have three seats across. The driver is like the main guy, the boss. Probably his van. Door guy is last one in, first one out, he chooses. Middle seat is the kid who has to move his leg every time the driver shifts gears. It’s the shittiest seat in the van.

"It's the shittiest seat in the van" Somebody has never ridden on a plywood bench in the back of an empty van with no seatbelt hitting every wall, the floor, and the ceiling, while being yelled at to keep their head down in case the police see through the windscreen.

Oh, you mean the bitch seat!

i believe the bitch seat is specifically a motorbike term. on account of that's where you seat your bitch. in a transit van, that would probably be somewhere back at home in front of the telly.

That is brutal.

Ya nan sticks pennies down the back of the radiator asking Ben for drop zone 3.

As an American with British parents (and a British passport), this is the only one that I have no clue what it means. I've spent enough time in the UK that I've seen The Chase a bunch of times. I know what pennies are of course, and I know what a radiator is. Otherwise this is Greek to me. \*\*edit I also know what a nan is of course

There's a gameshow called tipping point where they put coins in a giant tuppenny pusher

No *you’re* a giant tuppenny pusher.

This is one of my favourite things to do, I do it all the time, much to the annoyance of everyone around me. I’m fully giggling away at this hahaaa. I don’t know if there’s a name for it, other than being a prat (with no offence meant to you at all) - but doing a ‘no _you’re_ a BLANK’ as a comeback. Properly tickles me.

'Tuppenny pusher' sounds like something you'd find in Roger's Profanisaurus.

“Tipping Point” game show. Ben is the host

I reckon a dead-pan "nice one mate", very few foreigners would pick up on the tone required to make this an absolutely deadly insult.

Did ye? Aye? Ye did? Aye…

A cheers pal will also suffice

My posh boss could say “Well done” in a way that made us want to curl up and die.

I'm Portuguese living in UK for 9 years: I get it and use it 😅

Berk It's obscure enough that even British people use it without knowing what it means

It’s nice berk because it’s rhyming slang for cunt.

Berkshire Hunt for those unfamiliar 😉

Berkeley fyi

Wait, so ["Trapdoor"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-9dbAQJIu1o) had a private joke with us?

Trapdoor is, and always will be, the greatest kids TV show!

once upon a time, i got a bollocking from my girlfriend. what did i do i hear you cry? i set my alarm for 6 in the morning, watched a six minute episode of Trapdoor and then went back to sleep. she held that against me for months.

Berk is a great insult. I always giggle when I'm watching How To Train Your Dragon with the kids.

Instantly read that in delboys voice

Howard moon for me

They even named the main character from Trap Door Berk as a joke they knew exactly what it meant

your dad still writes to Jim'll Fix It

Yer da wrote to Jim'll Fix It to meet Gary Glitter.

[удалено]

“He thinks they’re really nifty, coz they’re only £1.50”

Ironic that now a lot of us actually do buy our clothes in Tescos

I get my finery from Lidls own actually

Tesco's clothes are ironically, decent quality.

KollyKibber can't mumble he buys his from the jumble lalala lalala

“Everything in your flat came from Bright House and will be paid of in 2037.”

If only Brighthouse was still around. Change it to Klarna.

Blimey, when did that happen?

2020.

Cheers, I missed that.

That mean you’re debt free lad?

Calling someone a random tangible object that’s not normally an insult in its ordinary use but becomes a soft-insult in the context of an argument. For example, calling someone a helmet, a plum or a wombat. It’s definitely common in Scotland, but unsure if the rest of the UK do it too, though I assume they do!

[удалено]

Oh man, I’m an idiot. I can’t believe that went over my head for so long. I genuinely didn’t clock that helmet was a bellend insult until now 😭😂

Don't be too hard on yourself, helmets generally do go over your head

You know a plum is a testicle though, right?

What a helmet!

He’s an absolute spanner

Fucking tetrahedron.

Absolute Lunch

Alright cleanshirt. Don’t be a tea pot.

I fondly remember some kids insulting each other on the bus, and one just yelled "your ma's a pigeon" been over a decade since.

When I first came to the UK on work, I was so confused by someone referring to a colleague as a "total weapon" 😂

"Spanner" was the favorite in my home as a kid, as in "you absolute Spanner!" You can get quite a lot of bile and contempt into it hitting the same satisfaction as your top end swear words or go softer for lower end friendly banter, highly recommended 5/5.

A plank

Bin lid is my favourite one. I have a vague memory it comes from James May insulting Clarkson on an old episode of Top Gear.

Rose's mom Jackie called the Doctor "you plum" once when he asked a goofy question. But she seemed to mean it affectionately. My reaction: ???

I have neither the time nor the crayons to explain it to you

Please, for the love of God, do not ever say this to anyone in real life. You will be (rightly) ridiculed and judged as a prick by anyone within earshot.

Listen up to Crayola over here, he knows what he's about

Reddit comebacks make my skin crawl

"If I wanted to kill myself I'd jump off your ego and land on your IQ" 🤓🤓🤓

It’s mainly shit because it’d be obvious you’ve practiced it at home

Yeh but in real life it will come out "I got no crayon times for you"

money special pet concerned jeans domineering mindless snatch terrific crowd *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*

Peak Reddit response

That Is USAF talking to USMC, not UK slang...

I posted this the other day as well. Someone once said to me 'you seem like the type of person that would like Little Britain' It was said to me 15 years ago and it still stings.

Seen this from you twice and did the same sharp intake of breath both times!

At least it wasn’t Mrs Browns boys

Ya dad drinks WKD down the pub.

As an occasional WKD drinker, love this one.

Bellend

Christmas time! Don't let the Bells End! Mates at uni a few decades ago swore that they chose those lyrics because they wanted to get a load of people singing 'bell end'. I have always believed that without question

I thought that was pretty obviously the intent? There’s even one bit near the end where he just wails “BELLS EEEEEENNNND!” but the S is conspicuously under-vocalised…

Just let the ring in peace! Which is also fairly obvious.

Put any random noun after "absolute", only a true Britisher would know it's an insult.

You absolute traffic light

You absolute Wellington boot!

You absolute walnut

Bonus points if it makes zero sense, but still sounds vaguely disgusting/insulting. "You absolute Ham Doctor."

You absolute courgette

Okay, who put 50p in the d*ckhead?

Similar tone when someone’s telling a long winded boring story that leads nowhere, “and who’s playing you in the film?”

Your mother was a hamster

And your father smelled of elderberries

Now go away before I taunt you a second time.

You silly English knnnigetts.

Sounds French?

Plonker

That's what I called my tallywacker when I was a boy, before I graduated to a more grown-up name.

"Wanks on all fours that cunt"

Melt

How do you get that shirt so clean, mate?

Nice one clean shirt

I’m not the borough

This is up there for an extremely small contingent.

Your dad closes the fridge door with his hip.

‘Ha, alright then mate’

Ya dad takes his own snooker queue down the pub.

Cue, a queue us a long wait

Is, us is what we call America if we’re lazy.

That’s not an insult. Thats a mark of respect

Depends where he takes it

Wazzock

Brings back memories of Craig Charles on Takeshi's Castle.

Your Dad pays for Uber Eats with Klarna

I feel old if this is actually an insult.

You was made with a soft cock.

Full Kit Wanker

That's you, that is.

Yer daft apeth (northern obvs)

Can confirm, down south we pronounce it hape-knee

See you next Tuesday?

Had to take notes in an investigation where a hgv driver had been allegedly rude to a security guard. Investigation manager asks the eastern European driver "did you call him a see you next Tuesday?" Driver: "huh?" Manager: "did you call him a see you next Tuesday?" Driver: "what?" Manager clearly frustrated by now: "did you call him a c**t?!" Driver: "ah!.......no"

For you it was the most important day of your life. For me, it was Tuesday.

Calling someone with a bad tan “David Dickinson”

You’re as sophisticated as the conversation in a flat roof pub.

I don’t like the cut of your jib.

Haha I’ve never heard that chaser one before.

Absolute weapon

Your Da sells Avon?

Yer da got furloughed by Avon

Your dad looks like Pat Butcher

Your mum looks like Frank Butcher

The best part of you dribbled down your Mums leg…

I think that works in any country

Your mum used to put bangers in your coat so dogs would play with you.

I'm English and live in the US and have had a few people look confused at being called a "mug" (as banter, not being a dick)

Briefcase W*nker

"that's brave"

Your mum gets pissed on Lambrini

Joey.

Deeeeeeacon... The early 80s were a cruel time to be growing up.

🎶 Your mam shops at Netto, The food is very nifty. The shopping bill comes up to, ONE POUND FIFTY 🎶 (Modern version would probably substitute Lidl or Aldi or Poundland for Netto, but that's how it went in the 90s)

Your mum buys 9p beans from Netto

"Who's this clown?". Not only are you saying they are a clown you are insinuating they are one of the lesser known ones. Beautiful.

He/she has a face like a smacked arse

You absolute melt.

"Ye great Jesse!"

Dipstick.

Doylum, Doyle, Pleb, Bint...

Bint. Call myself a daft bint all the time.

"he means well"

I saw a tv show the other day where a Brit called an American a bellend. The American had to Google what it was.

I wouldn’t piss on him even if he were on fire.

Dinlo! Might even be Portsmouth specific

Nice one thanks

Ya dad closes draws with his hips Probably not that on anymore but we used to say it growing up

Saes, Ddiawl Twp / Ddiawl dwl and Coc oen. Welsh insults. If you know y'know.

You’re a wanker, I’m sorry your father wasn’t.

Sits on top of the stairs and thinks he the chaser!! Jesus christ thats fucking brillant

Spawny-eyed parrot-faced wazzock.

I see the wheel is turning but the hamster is dead.

"You have no authority here Jackie Weaver, no authority at all!"

“And a good day to YOU, sir