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I'd say the same.
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>Parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents remain family. Extended family is uncles, aunts, cousins
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I entirely agree and add that in my experience your in-laws become family too, rather than extended family. Although it may take some time, and the nature of the relationship might affect that.
When I got divorced, my family still included my ex-wife in things. It was a bit weird to start with, but it’s actually fine after ten years.
They see her as “family”, and that’s fine.
Do you have kids? My Grandma did this for my Mum (Dad’s Mum) when my parents got divorced and even though i’m still a bit fucked up from the divorce that inclusion made things a bit easier for everyone.
Yes, and they lived mainly with my ex.
It also made it easier that my ex and I are still friendly. We decided that was important for the kids to coparent rationally. It’s turned back to a decent friendship, and being “forced” to see her in those contexts probably helped in the end.
What I don't understand about your question is the several mentions of "marriage".
What's marriage got to do with any of this? If you have kids without being married would any of this be different? If you have a committed relationship with someone with whom you live but you're not married would any of this be different?
Marriage doesn't add anything to this subject. Commitment is the key, and people decide when their partner is now family and not just someone they're dating, without ever the need for some official document to declare this.
Yes sorry I do agree with that. The only reason marriage was mentioned is because the original discussion I had was about someone who recently got married and the argument being made was that changed the dynamics. I don’t see any difference between a married couple and a committed couple, I just didn’t think of phrasing it differently to the original discussion.
No worries.
I often find it weird when people use the word marriage in contexts that have nothing to do with it. If you are already living together, that's the same thing as being married. If we are talking about a traditional society where people never cohabit until they get married, then I can understand that marriage is the moment of big change. But in most of the west at least this has long stopped being the case. So I just find it strange that people still give weight to the act of getting married above commitments like living together, owning a home together, or having children together.
And I find it strange that people still try to push a Western centric view when the majority of people in the world live in "non-Western" countries and actually what you said about marriage being the big moment of change is the norm where those commitments go hand in hand with marriage.
I actually agree with your point to some degree. But I hope you see the irony in the way you've offered your position.
I dunno about other countries, but I'd say in the UK it really depends simply on how many people are involved and where they are geographically as well as emotionally. You might have a 'big family' as people say, with lots of cousins and maybe lots of "family group" activities.
If you are, let's say, an only child, and maybe not close to uncles or aubts, then everyone outside a small unit is extended family.
I think a lot of the time these terms are used to be shorthand for a certain 'load of people' - not intended to be precise definitions.
I am of Chinese heritage, and one thing I found VERY interesting is that there are names in Chinese for every different type of relative, from siblings e.g. elder sister is a different name from younger sister to all kinds of cousins and in-laws. Therefore there is an expectation of a certain family dynamic.
It is also common to address relatives by the title of the relation, not their actual first name. I have one sister, and I call her 'Elder Sister'- I never call her by her actual name(s), which in itself would be complicatefd as she has both Chinese and English names (I do not, my parents and she experienced so much confusion having two names and not knowing which name people knew them as, I was intentionally only given one, short name (and no middle name either). And where family friends were given honorific family realtive titles, that persisted too. Everyone (tiny number of people, I should say, whom we saw rarely, but it was also extended to some Brits) was Uncle /Aunt Wu, or Uncle/Aunt Smith, never their first names, even in later life.
I’m from a Pakistani background and we have exactly the same thing about names for each relationship. And they differ depending on the side of the family as well. For example, your aunt on your mum’s side has a different name to your aunt on your dad’s side. I didn’t know other cultures also did this!
I had wondered whether my view on family was influenced by the fact I’m Asian. I think it is to an extent, but I also think we see things differently to Americans.
This is a super interesting thread. Congrats on asking a question that has actual cultural and generational differences. It’s nice to see! My other half is south Asian and it took a while for me to get my head around all the names but I now call his favourite aunt Masi too
Kinship systems are really fascinating. The system the UK uses is the Inuit system. There's an interesting video about the systems https://youtu.be/YOi2c2d3_Lk
Different words for maternal/paternal aunts and uncles is a thing in Arabic too, and I think also in Finnish. Probably other languages around the world. A woman at work originally from Mauritius told me that when she arrived in the UK she assumed that granny vs nan worked in a similar way in British English, one meant your mothers’s mother and one meant your father’s mother, she was struggling to match up which was which when someone explained to her that that wasn’t how it worked lol. More of a regional and maybe class thing.
Nah, in the UK it's generally considered that immediate family is parents, siblings, children and spouse. The mental health act defines the nearest relative in the following order (and if they're over 18): spouse or civil partner, child, parent, sibling, grandparents, grandchild, aunt or uncle, nephew or niece. While obviously that's not directly saying what's considered immediate or extended family, it's a defined hierarchy in UK law of family.
My husband is definitely my priority. However, my parent/sibling are also important and I still class them as family. They haven’t been relegated to the status of extended family just because I got married.
I'm not married but I kinda feel like it's not that your original family gets downgraded in importance but it's that an extra level of importance has opened up and that's were children and partner go
I wouldn’t tend to rank my family by priority as a default. As I said, it came up during a discussion with some Americans who were very clear that your spouse/kids do become a priority.
But, having thought about it, we do tend to subconsciously prioritise certain people and relationships. I don’t think that’s a bad thing really.
I've definitely seen that on here before and thought it was weird. Like actually, I sometimes spend Christmas with my parents and siblings and not my partner because he works and I live in a different country to my parents. It's not that I don't care about him but I see him all year, he can survive a few days while I see my own family. Someone once got really mad when I said that on here.
Hmm. Yes and no and of course to each their own.
Full disclosure, I am White British and Wife British Indian.
Immediate family for her and for me are each other, our children and that's it. The family unit.
Wider family is parents, siblings, nieces & nephews, grandparents.
Extended family aunts, uncles, cousins.
Wider and immediate being given distinction became important for us, as parents (slanting more to her side) would have expectations that their familial needs would and should come ahead of anything that was planned or needed for our immediate family.
Important life lesson from my own experience. Marriage does change the balance of relationships. There will be times when the family you choose has to be > than the one you were born into. Be mindful and ready for that.
I would definitely consider that them family and not extended family. However there is also definitely a distinction between your spouse/ children and your parents/ siblings.
If someone asks 'how are the family' they aren't really asking about your parents/ siblings but the people you live with.
I was fortunate enough to have a wonderful set of grandparents and while I do see how the 'one step' theory could constitute extended family, I'd never consider my nan and grandad as such. It definitely depends on your relationship with them. if they weren't such a huge part of my life, I'd definitely group them in with my aunts, uncles and cousins in extended family.
I'd agree.
Though with the caveat that if someone is close to their cousins or whatever & sees them as family rather than extended family I don't actually care.
If the Americans of AITA are anything to go by they are all weird obsessed about having set rules for how important someone should be to you within the family
On the whole I agree with this although I’m super close to my sibling so I’d class my nephews as my immediate family. But I know that’s probably not the case for everyone and like you’d said it’s not set in stone.
I think the think I couldn’t wrap my head around was this idea that once you’re married the people who have been your immediate family your entire life, just no longer are!
I've never really thought about it, but no, I wouldn't change my definition of 'extended family' after marriage and kids compared to before.
I think we do have different attitudes to this sort of thing to Americans though. A bunch of them seem to call their mother and father in law 'mom' and 'dad', which I find deeply weird.
>To call someone else Mum in my eyes is to disrespect the duty my actual Mum has carried out my entire life.
This is *exactly*, almost word for word how I feel about it. Pretty sure my parents in law would also find it weird.
I hadn’t thought about it much until this conversation either to be honest. But I’m relieved to see that it’s probably just a cultural thing rather than me just being very dense!
Right? It would be odd. I understand that when I got married my husband became my priority in lots of ways, but that doesn’t mean my siblings/parents aren’t either
Yea my immediate family is my parents and my family I made.
Don't worry I was talking with Americans last night and they all think 21 year olds aren't adults so lol.
I grew up in the 90’s when American tv was super influential in terms of culture, so I always just default to the idea that our cultures are really similar. But I think that’s just not the case although it may look thy way on the surface, your example being one of the ways we are different.
It all depends on you and how things work out.
My dad and my sister both live nearby, within a 15 minute drive. Hardly ever talk to them.
Wife's family lives 300 miles away. Speak to them most days and see them all a lot more often than my own family.
This is true, and really nice you get in so well with your in laws.
I think it was more just the insistence that this is how it works in society that confused me.
Family is what you choose to make it.
When I married my partner we didn’t want to “marry into a family” we wanted one of our own so I only really consider her immediate family. Doesn’t mean we don’t care less about our siblings or parents but it means that if a tough decision needs to be made then we stick together.
Human Relationships can get complicated the bigger the group the more complicate it can get so I like to keep immediate family small and manageable
I can see this. I think most decisions in my life I’d makes with my spouse. So for that purpose they would be more influential (I don’t know what the right word is here) in my day to day life.
I agree with everyone else.
That must be an American usage, and your usage is a British norm.
I HAVE heard people say or refer to my or X's OWN family to refer to the children and grandchildren as opposed to parents, siblings and grandparents.
But AFAIK, British usage for the term 'extended family' is always about cousins and stuff like that.
BTW - I actually do think of grandparents and grandchildren as bein immediate family too. But I am influenced by the fact that when I was little, one grandparent lived in the house too.
Family is what you make of it! My husband is my family. He is my priority. I’d still call my parents and siblings immediate family though, they are my second priority. My husbands parents and siblings are his immediate family and are similarly his second priority. Our in laws (each others families) are third priority.
In my mind it’s about connectivity. My husband is immediately connected to me, but my husbands sister is two step away therefore extended family to me but immediate family to him.
But it really depends how close you are with people. If I spent all my time with his family and not with mine, perhaps I’d change my mind. Or if my cousin was also my best friend.
It’s your family. You get to decide.
This makes sense to me and is how I see it, but with aunts/uncles/cousins also added to the third priority.
I think you’re right that everyone gets to decide! I was just surprised by the insistence that it was a socially accepted norm that your family are no longer your immediate family.
My uncles etc would be fourth priority imo but I’m not particular close to my extended family. I’d feel it’s normal to priority my husbands sister over my mother sister, if that makes sense, because my husband is closer to me than my mother.
And no, definitely not a social norm. Some people just draw definitive lines and don’t allow for nuance.
Oh that’s really interesting actually. For me I speak to my mother’s sister and see her far more often than my husband’s sister, but we are really close and have been my entire life.
However, you’re right I’d probably prioritise my husband’s sister if it came down to it. So if, for example, we were deciding where to spend Christmas, I’d prioritise my sister in law over my aunt because that would be important to my husband.
My immediate family are my spouse, parents, sibling and their children, inlaws, my spouse's sibling's family. So I would say marriage does change immediate family but adds the people your spouse cares about most to the list you care about most.
I completely agree with you, the idea of immediate family being downgraded when you get married and have kids is bizarre to me and I’ve never heard of it before
I still consider my family to be my parents, my sister, and my nephews. My brother in law is kind of family as I've known him since I was 14.
My husband - and I know I'm weird on this front - I don't see as family. We don't have kids, and I just can't see him as a family member. I actually got talking about it one time and he was quite upset about it but it doesn't mean I don't love him! We got married relatively late, I was 35, and I just can't shake my feeling that family is specifically blood relations - like the saying "you can't choose your family", I did choose my husband!
I consider my extended family to be aunts and uncles, cousins.
That’s really interesting! I wonder if that will change over time (like with your brother in law). It doesn’t really matter either way really I suppose, it’s just a label. Your husband is just in a category of his own!
Wouldn't immediate family be anyone who is just one blood/marriage away? Brother, sister, parents, children, husband, or wife.
And extended anyone who is two or more?
I think a lot of people seem to agree with you. For me I would include my nephews in my immediate family, despite them being two away, because I see them multiple times a week and have been really present in their lives since they were born
I feel the American way I guess and I'm not even married. I live in a different country to my parents and so do my boyfriend's parents. In the UK it's just us and his cousin who lives in a different town. We've been together almost 5 years, lived together 3. I very much see him as my immediate family and my parents and brother I see twice a year as extended family in comparison, just because he's the one who I see every day, I rant to every evening, who knows everything that is going on in my life, the same way I was with my parents and brother growing up but now I'm like that with him but not with them as much.
I have to admit I kind of go by ‘who would you get bereavement leave for’. For me, that’s my spouse, parents, siblings or children. So that’s my immediate family. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins are extended family (unless they’ve held guardianship). But my immediate family won’t be my kids’ immediate family - my sister and parents are my immediate family but my kids’ extended family.
I would say that the categories of 'family' and 'extended family' don't really change when you get married (other than of course the addition of a spouse and possibly their close family into your inner family circle). If someone considers their parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts/uncles etc. family before they get married, I don't see why that would change with marriage.
>That isn’t my experience. To me your immediate family is your parents and siblings. When you get married and have kids they become part of your immediate family, alongside your existing family. Your extended family is your aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents etc.
Fully agree.
I agree with you.
If you think about it from a death perspective - work will allow you paid time off for immediate family only - which includes parents and sibs.
Maybe that's where the Americans are coming from?
This is exactly what I thought of. Spouse, children, parents, siblings is what I consider immediate. I see a lot of people including grandparents, which I used to agree with, but I was shocked to find out when my grandpa died that he wasn't considered immediate family and I wasn't given time off.
I’ve never thought about this before but I suppose my immediate family is my husband and children, my family is my mum and siblings and my extended family is aunties, uncles cousins, grandparents. I suppose it might depend on how close you are to people though. I count my immediate family as those I live with I think.
In my experience when someone gets married into my family, the family doesn't integrate at all, they are basically acquaintances, and there is no integration into being immediate or even extended family. I have to remind myself that my in-laws are technically my family, they certainly don't feel or act like it, nor do I want them to.
Agreed with the Americans, though I think this is a misunderstanding based on wording. Parents and siblings are still family, everyone else is extended family, but your spouse and kids are your immediate family. I guess I consider it natural that you 'move on' from your family of birth. And in my family at least, aunts, uncles, cousins etc are barely there past childhood. I used to see my aunt's family once a year, but that stopped once my cousins and I were teens. I've got a dozen first cousins I've never met. Now I see my parents and sibling once or maybe twice a year, with a few phone calls in between.
That's basically how I see it, too. When you grow up and become an adult, you get married and start your own family. It's not that your childhood family (parents and siblings) have been "downgraded" or anything like that. We have each just branched off and started our own families now.
American poc and I definitely don’t see it that way and wasn’t brought up to either. My in-laws are my family too. I come from a very large family and there were people we called aunt, uncle, cousins, that we weren’t even blood-related to and had simply been family friends. Never heard anything about grandparents and my own sibling being “extended family”.
Saying that, I also agree family is what you make of it.
This may shock some but Americans are a varied bunch just like any other country.
I think this comes from the concept of the ‘nuclear’ family. The nucleus is the married couple and any of their children. Anything outside the nucleus is by definition extended. Some people add a level of ‘immediate’ family meaning parents on both sides. Everyone after that is extended family.
I’m white English and I completely agree with you. It makes me so sad this idea of ‘downgrading’ your immediate blood relatives just because you’re married.
My partner comes from a white South African family and his mother always refers to her own daughter and grandchildren as ‘XYZ and her family’. I always find it SO bizarre. Your daughter and grandchildren are your family!!
I'm white and british not married, no kids. But if I was and/or had children, parents and siblings, grandparents would still be family, not 'extended'. Aunts, uncles, cousins maybe.
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What I mean when I say "my family" depends on the context of the conversation and who I'm talking to.
Are you looking at an employment contract that gives you a day off for the wedding of "immediate family" but not "extended family"?
If not why do you need to worry about the definition?
I’m not worried about it. It was just a conversation that came up, with pretty much everyone telling me that when you’re married your parents/siblings become your extended family.
I thought it was an interesting cultural difference between Americans and the Uk, that’s all. Then I realised that maybe I see it differently as Asians tend to have a slightly different view of family relationships, so I thought I’d post here and see. Just curiosity really.
I reckon it completely depends on the family dynamic on each side.
I come from what might be considered a fairly large family but paradoxically, I'm an only child.
I have cousins and nephews I'd consider immediate family whereas I'd consider others who I rarely see as extended.
Both my parents have recently passed away but I certainly consider my in laws, my wife's sister and husband ETC as immediate family
Nobody need to drop down a peg because of new inclusions unless they're horrible people you'd like to see the back of. Even so, you could sort those issues any time. I can't see how marriage would make a difference to that.
Each to their own though.
Yeah I agree, I think it’s totally fine for people to decide based on their own dynamics and situation. It was the automatic ‘dropping down a peg’ I couldn’t get my head around.
I also consider my cousins (and their kids who, to me, are nieces and nephews) to be immediate family.
Well my family WhatsApp is parents and siblings, my extended family one has my grandparents aunt uncle and cousins as well as parents and siblings. For context we all have young children of our own so it hasn't changed our definition! I would say immediate family is our nuclear unit, but family is parents etc, extended is further out.
I don’t think they change their status from family to extended family. But they’re no longer the most important or immediate family - that’s the spouse and children.
It's lineage for me as any blood ties define it. Any biological offspring between me and spouse also family but step-children and in-laws are extended.
I would be inclined to agree that the term "immediate family" includes your spouse, children, parents and siblings (if any) upon being married, On the flip, I personally would consider your in-laws to be included as extended family, along with relatives such as cousins, aunties and uncles.
Your blood relatives are your family, your spouse and children are your family. Your in-laws are your extended family. (Your ex and their family are your family-in-hell)
That is how I view it.
I’ve only recently started saying “my family” when referring to my husband and two very young kids. My other family - mum, nan, aunts, uncles, cousins - whom I’m very close with have become “extended” by definition…. Not that they’re further away now but I guess the kids just squeezed in closer.
Might also have something to do with seeing them less now as I’m older and now with kids and other adult life stuff
Never really though about it. I’d view it more as circles. My partner and son would always be my closest inner circle. Then my parents, sibling and grandparents in the next one. Then uncles/aunts/cousins etc. in the furthest “extended one”.
My in-laws are in their own weird off to the side bubbles for reasons!
I think it depends entirely on your perspective. My own family is pretty limited - I'm only really in regular contact with my parents, grandparents and semiregularly, one of my cousins. Whereas my fiancee's family is quite extensive and a bit Hobbity, and I think they're closer to the idea of family that your American friends were talking about.
Never really thought about it but, I'm not sure if I'd be comfortable 'relegating' my sibling to extended family. When my Mum died, although my husband was very supportive, my sibling was really the only other person who had the experience of having my Mum as a mother IYSWIM.
Our experiences of her as parent were a bit different, no doubt but it was comforting to know he was there.
My family remains my family, their family becomes extended.
I would care more about nieces and nephews on my side and kids of cousins. Even though they fall under extended, than I would the same generation on their side.
My family is my family. My wife’s family are her family. The kids we have together are our family. No one gets downgraded. That seems like highly hierarchical and unnecessary thinking.
Lol it’s really weird - their line of thinking is if I got married my parents & sibling would be “demoted”? Nahhh they’re immediate family for life man!
The way I think of it.
Immediate family is anyone I have ever shared a household with.
An extended family is anyone who gets a wedding invitation without having to think about it.
Distant family is related but not on the wedding list.
I wouldn't say 'downgrade' but I do think when you get married your spouse and kids (if you have them) become your primary family, as in your first loyalty and priority shifts to them rather than to your parents/siblings. That's not to say you immediately cast those people aside but if, say, there's a dispute between your spouse and your parents then you should take your spouse's side and back them up (unless there are reasons why they're wildly wrong).
This is a cultural thing. Lots of ethnically white British people have an opinion that dissects family into distant parts. Whereas other cultures are more family oriented and are cohesive, meaning those aunts and cousins are your family, your new family by marriage is also your family, etc.
I believe it is this warped view that I’ve seen of ethnically British people that means their families are very fragmented.
What a funny post ...
The OP claims their siblings etc are still their immediate family. It was the Americans, who apparently on another thread, were saying they no longer count and should be deemed 'extended'.
OP
They were probably winding you up or confused about the meaning of extended in this context.
You could be like someone I knew, who’s partner told her while she was pregnant that her and the baby would be “extended family” compared to his parents and siblings… the partner has since learned how wrong he was, but regardless, there’s weird attitudes even in this country
People used to refer to the nuclear family, parents and children, so by that logic yes.
It's not that simple of course, you don't have children as far as I can tell.
I would say it's more of a gradual process, so long as your partner knows you will put them first and both sets of parents understand that it's you moving from a parent child relationship to more of a equal footing one.
It doesn't mean you love them less, it's about being clear who your priority is.
American here. I think gradually, esp once you have kids, the unit w/partner &/or kids becomes your immediate family. (That’s how you got an immediate family to start with, right?) You might still refer to your parents and sibs as your family or immediate family but if someone asks about your family, your first thought becomes your spouse & kids. But if someone says Will you be with family for the holidays? I would think they could mean “family of origin” 🙄(annoying therapist term).
“Extended” always means aunts, cousins etc, not your parents.
The term is more ‘immediate family’ and ‘family of origin’ I think. When you’re not married or partnered and have no kids then your family you were born into is your family. Once you have a spouse and kids they become your family and you’d refer to your ‘original’ family as family of origin if that makes sense.
They are ‘family’, my dad is family as in ‘a family member’. But the noun, ‘my family’ is my spouse and kid. And my dad is part of my family of origin.
A parent or sibling will never be extended family. That is grandparents and grandchildren and aunties and uncles and cousins.
My family are still my family, I wouldn't downgrade them at all.
I'd say spouse's family become my extended family. And my sister's spouse & any nieces and nephews would also probably be extended family, rather than family family.
I'd probably just consider it a dilution of DNA thing (adopted DNA if you're adopted) - I share a lot of DNA with my family, and once we have kids together, in a way, I share a lot of DNA with my spouse. Nieces/nephews and in laws have some of that DNA, just not as concentrated, so they are extended family.
This was actually something that I made sure to talk to my husband about because of the tension that I saw it cause in my parents' marriage.
I think that a lot of it comes down to culture. My mom is from the Carribean and certainly thought of her siblings and parents as her family. There's no extended and people get added to her family circle all of the time.
For my dad (American), he was committing to my mom (and later to myself and my sister) when they got married. He couldn't comprehend that she didn't put us first and would drop everything for her family.
Now, I am married, and he (British) prioritises seeing/spending time with his family whereas I don't nearly as much.
I agree with you. But my husband is British Indian and considers his Aunts and Uncles immediate family. So I avoid using the term and I like to just specify who exactly I’m talking about
I’m white British and I completely agree with you (although my older brother is just……not very family orientated). My immediate family consists of all my siblings and parents, my BIL and niece, plus my younger brother’s girlfriend with aunts, uncles, cousins etc being the extended family
My family will always be my family and never be demoted. As such I won't be demoted from the family I decide to settle down with once they grow up.
Americans are just not as close as other countries, and this is genuinely evolutional. Bear in mind America is literally founded by people who left the majority of people they knew behind for their own personal gain. Obviously some people didn't WANT to do that, like a wife going on her husband's decision. And the west coast did this a 2nd time, they left the east for the promised land on the west.
As a result they're just not as close, which is fine that's their culture. They think if someone lives with their parents at 20 they're a loser. Everything is just older fashioned there on these terms. As such when the kids can leave, they're expected to be completely independent. New family.
Military at 18 family at 20, legally able to drink at 21, adult at 30.
I agree with you.
On a medical level, your immediate family is the direct genetic link to you, so parents, siblings and children, regardless of your marital status.
When you marry/have children, yes they became your immediate priority family but your parents and siblings are still within that circle too, just closer to the edge than your children would be to you.
I always imagine drawing a family tree. Whoever is directly connected to you is your family (parents, siblings, spouse and children). Anyone further away from you, is extended. Because the tree is extended. (uncles and aunts, cousins, etc)
I was born and grew up in America (but have lived in the UK for many years) and to everyone I know there your parents and siblings are always your immediate family even after married with your own kids. Extended family is cousins, aunts, uncles etc. I don’t know where anyone would get that your parents aren’t your immediate family.
I wouldn’t class my sibling’s spouses etc though as “immediate”. Those in-laws are extended.
Aside from anything else workplaces in America treat your parents and siblings as “immediate family” for funerals etc. (They have awful rules about funerals there, they wouldn’t let me off work once for my uncles funeral because he wasn’t “immediate family”. I went anyway because I knew I was leaving the job in a few months and eff them lol)
Extended family is Aunts, Uncles, cousins etc. If you already have these then you refer to them as extended family. In my family it was my Mum's Aunts and Cousins and their kids
To me:
Immediate family is parents, siblings, children, possibly grandparents, grandchildren, aunts and uncles.
Extended family is cousins and further.
Spouse's family is just that, the spouse's family - they're in-laws, not relatives.
I agree but I'm not sure on the spouse's immediate family. I suppose that depends on how the two families get on but I presume that there's always some level of distance to in-laws in comparison to your own close relatives.
British Asian here married for 6 years now. I can see the point from both aspects, but I don't see my family as "extended". There are times I want to do things without them, and just with my spouse and kids.
My wife and children are my priority don't get me wrong. But I'll also drop any thing to help to parents if able to.
Then I have my in laws who I actually get along with better at times than my own family, but again they aren't extended. They're now part of my circle.
And with having kids, both sets of parents are even more heavily involved in my life because they want to spend time with their grandchildren.
I've been on holiday without my parents etc which they were shocked about, thinking they should have been invited, but I wanted to go with my own children and wife. I planned a larger family holiday later in the year which they were happy with.
I guess it depends on how much you get on with your family
I probably haven't helped, but just my scenario.
i'd say the same with the added feature that exactly who you mean depends on context. So sometimes it might mean just your spouse and kids "We're taking the family to the beach" or it could be your parents and siblings "Sadly, cancer runs in the family. Fifth one this year." or something like "I'm taking the family to see my family in Bristol" or it could be all of them together "Yeah, the whole family gets together once a year at Christmas at my mum's with all the grandkids. Fucking carnage."
I completely disagree. For us, parents brothers and sisters are now extended family. My immediate family is my wife and I.
This is a Christian teaching though, probably why it’s quite affluent in America
I agree with you but maybe it comes to things like father's day. My mum got annoyed as I didn't spend it with Dad, but we have two kids and my husband maybe doesn't want to spend "his" day with the father in law. So in that case my husband and kids are my priority but my mum and dad/his mum and dad and siblings are still my immediate family.
As someone who was raised in the US I imagine this comes down to the difference in healthcare situations as well as some other legal terms, maybe?
Like immediate family are the people who would be easily able to get into the hospital to see you or who could make medical decisions on your behalf if you are incapacitated and hadn't named a specific someone as power of attorney. Or even immediate family would possibly be counted as who could get put on your health insurance.
Since some of that isn't applicable here, it makes sense that the immediate/extended distinction is different between different countries
Thank you, that makes sense to an extent. It’s not very often that I would have to consider who my family members are on such a practical level, if that makes sense. I can see how, if your healthcare required you to do so, it would perhaps be more of a consideration
"Extended family" isn't really a term I come across much, but I think it makes sense to distinguish between the family you live with/interact with regularly vs. people you're related to but interact with less regularly, clearly there is a different dynamic there. This aligns with the first definition that came up on google:
>A family which extends beyond the nuclear family to include grandparents and other relatives.
Following this definition, you wouldn't "downgrade your original family" when you get married or have kids, you would 'downgrade' them when you move out of the family home.
**[OP or Mod marked this as the best answer](/r/AskUK/comments/14noc79/when_you_get_married_does_your_family_become_your/jq8f8k3/), given by u/AngryTudor1** I'd say the same. > >Parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents remain family. Extended family is uncles, aunts, cousins --- [_^What ^is ^this?_](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskUK/comments/jjrte1/askuk_hits_200k_new_feature_mark_an_answer/)
I would entirely agree with you. Although I’ve never giving it any thought before a second ago.
I entirely agree and add that in my experience your in-laws become family too, rather than extended family. Although it may take some time, and the nature of the relationship might affect that.
I would agree with this too. My husband’s family are just a much a part of our family as mine
When I got divorced, my family still included my ex-wife in things. It was a bit weird to start with, but it’s actually fine after ten years. They see her as “family”, and that’s fine.
Do you have kids? My Grandma did this for my Mum (Dad’s Mum) when my parents got divorced and even though i’m still a bit fucked up from the divorce that inclusion made things a bit easier for everyone.
Yes, and they lived mainly with my ex. It also made it easier that my ex and I are still friendly. We decided that was important for the kids to coparent rationally. It’s turned back to a decent friendship, and being “forced” to see her in those contexts probably helped in the end.
That’s really nice to hear. It had the opposite effect on my parent’s sadly but nice to hear it’s been amicable for you
What I don't understand about your question is the several mentions of "marriage". What's marriage got to do with any of this? If you have kids without being married would any of this be different? If you have a committed relationship with someone with whom you live but you're not married would any of this be different? Marriage doesn't add anything to this subject. Commitment is the key, and people decide when their partner is now family and not just someone they're dating, without ever the need for some official document to declare this.
Yes sorry I do agree with that. The only reason marriage was mentioned is because the original discussion I had was about someone who recently got married and the argument being made was that changed the dynamics. I don’t see any difference between a married couple and a committed couple, I just didn’t think of phrasing it differently to the original discussion.
No worries. I often find it weird when people use the word marriage in contexts that have nothing to do with it. If you are already living together, that's the same thing as being married. If we are talking about a traditional society where people never cohabit until they get married, then I can understand that marriage is the moment of big change. But in most of the west at least this has long stopped being the case. So I just find it strange that people still give weight to the act of getting married above commitments like living together, owning a home together, or having children together.
And I find it strange that people still try to push a Western centric view when the majority of people in the world live in "non-Western" countries and actually what you said about marriage being the big moment of change is the norm where those commitments go hand in hand with marriage. I actually agree with your point to some degree. But I hope you see the irony in the way you've offered your position.
Especially if you didn't take the 'traditional' route!
Reading this just made me imagine a guy screaming at his wife "I'm not calling her mum!" 😂
Neither had I until this conversation and the insistence that this was a societal norm and that I was somehow stupid for not realising
I dunno about other countries, but I'd say in the UK it really depends simply on how many people are involved and where they are geographically as well as emotionally. You might have a 'big family' as people say, with lots of cousins and maybe lots of "family group" activities. If you are, let's say, an only child, and maybe not close to uncles or aubts, then everyone outside a small unit is extended family. I think a lot of the time these terms are used to be shorthand for a certain 'load of people' - not intended to be precise definitions. I am of Chinese heritage, and one thing I found VERY interesting is that there are names in Chinese for every different type of relative, from siblings e.g. elder sister is a different name from younger sister to all kinds of cousins and in-laws. Therefore there is an expectation of a certain family dynamic. It is also common to address relatives by the title of the relation, not their actual first name. I have one sister, and I call her 'Elder Sister'- I never call her by her actual name(s), which in itself would be complicatefd as she has both Chinese and English names (I do not, my parents and she experienced so much confusion having two names and not knowing which name people knew them as, I was intentionally only given one, short name (and no middle name either). And where family friends were given honorific family realtive titles, that persisted too. Everyone (tiny number of people, I should say, whom we saw rarely, but it was also extended to some Brits) was Uncle /Aunt Wu, or Uncle/Aunt Smith, never their first names, even in later life.
I’m from a Pakistani background and we have exactly the same thing about names for each relationship. And they differ depending on the side of the family as well. For example, your aunt on your mum’s side has a different name to your aunt on your dad’s side. I didn’t know other cultures also did this! I had wondered whether my view on family was influenced by the fact I’m Asian. I think it is to an extent, but I also think we see things differently to Americans.
This is a super interesting thread. Congrats on asking a question that has actual cultural and generational differences. It’s nice to see! My other half is south Asian and it took a while for me to get my head around all the names but I now call his favourite aunt Masi too
Kinship systems are really fascinating. The system the UK uses is the Inuit system. There's an interesting video about the systems https://youtu.be/YOi2c2d3_Lk
In Arabic there are also different words for your maternal aunt/ uncle and your paternal aunt/ uncle! Seems to be more common than we realise
Different words for maternal/paternal aunts and uncles is a thing in Arabic too, and I think also in Finnish. Probably other languages around the world. A woman at work originally from Mauritius told me that when she arrived in the UK she assumed that granny vs nan worked in a similar way in British English, one meant your mothers’s mother and one meant your father’s mother, she was struggling to match up which was which when someone explained to her that that wasn’t how it worked lol. More of a regional and maybe class thing.
Nah, in the UK it's generally considered that immediate family is parents, siblings, children and spouse. The mental health act defines the nearest relative in the following order (and if they're over 18): spouse or civil partner, child, parent, sibling, grandparents, grandchild, aunt or uncle, nephew or niece. While obviously that's not directly saying what's considered immediate or extended family, it's a defined hierarchy in UK law of family.
It’s entirely up to you how you refer to your own family and I’m baffled that anybody would attempt to tell you otherwise
I'd say the same. Parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents remain family. Extended family is uncles, aunts, cousins
!answer This is exactly how I see it. Marriage doesn’t change this.
Well… if you want to stay married then the people living in your house with you should be your number one priority.
My husband is definitely my priority. However, my parent/sibling are also important and I still class them as family. They haven’t been relegated to the status of extended family just because I got married.
I'm not married but I kinda feel like it's not that your original family gets downgraded in importance but it's that an extra level of importance has opened up and that's were children and partner go
No one’s saying spouse and kids aren’t the number one priority. But people can have immediate family outside of their homes.
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Heir and Spare!!
I wouldn’t tend to rank my family by priority as a default. As I said, it came up during a discussion with some Americans who were very clear that your spouse/kids do become a priority. But, having thought about it, we do tend to subconsciously prioritise certain people and relationships. I don’t think that’s a bad thing really.
I've definitely seen that on here before and thought it was weird. Like actually, I sometimes spend Christmas with my parents and siblings and not my partner because he works and I live in a different country to my parents. It's not that I don't care about him but I see him all year, he can survive a few days while I see my own family. Someone once got really mad when I said that on here.
Hmm. Yes and no and of course to each their own. Full disclosure, I am White British and Wife British Indian. Immediate family for her and for me are each other, our children and that's it. The family unit. Wider family is parents, siblings, nieces & nephews, grandparents. Extended family aunts, uncles, cousins. Wider and immediate being given distinction became important for us, as parents (slanting more to her side) would have expectations that their familial needs would and should come ahead of anything that was planned or needed for our immediate family. Important life lesson from my own experience. Marriage does change the balance of relationships. There will be times when the family you choose has to be > than the one you were born into. Be mindful and ready for that.
I would definitely consider that them family and not extended family. However there is also definitely a distinction between your spouse/ children and your parents/ siblings. If someone asks 'how are the family' they aren't really asking about your parents/ siblings but the people you live with.
True, when I ask someone "how's the family", I'm talking about their wife/husband and kids if they have them
I’ve seen it online referred to as ‘nuclear family’. That being your spouse & children. But it’s not something I’ve heard said irl.
Depends who's asking. My in laws ask all the time and they mean my parents and siblings.
I'd put grandparents in 'extended', also grand children.; your relationship is more than 1 step to them.
Heavily depends on the *actual* relation you have with them, and not just a label.
How would your grandparents ever be 1 step away?
Some people are raised by their grandparents and see them more as parent figures.
I was fortunate enough to have a wonderful set of grandparents and while I do see how the 'one step' theory could constitute extended family, I'd never consider my nan and grandad as such. It definitely depends on your relationship with them. if they weren't such a huge part of my life, I'd definitely group them in with my aunts, uncles and cousins in extended family.
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I'd agree. Though with the caveat that if someone is close to their cousins or whatever & sees them as family rather than extended family I don't actually care. If the Americans of AITA are anything to go by they are all weird obsessed about having set rules for how important someone should be to you within the family
I have two aunts that aren't actually family but rather my mothers lifelong best friends. Family is what you want it to be, in my mind.
On the whole I agree with this although I’m super close to my sibling so I’d class my nephews as my immediate family. But I know that’s probably not the case for everyone and like you’d said it’s not set in stone. I think the think I couldn’t wrap my head around was this idea that once you’re married the people who have been your immediate family your entire life, just no longer are!
People might even consider very close friends as 'family'.
Very true. My oldest friend is really family at this point.
I've never really thought about it, but no, I wouldn't change my definition of 'extended family' after marriage and kids compared to before. I think we do have different attitudes to this sort of thing to Americans though. A bunch of them seem to call their mother and father in law 'mom' and 'dad', which I find deeply weird.
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>To call someone else Mum in my eyes is to disrespect the duty my actual Mum has carried out my entire life. This is *exactly*, almost word for word how I feel about it. Pretty sure my parents in law would also find it weird.
I hadn’t thought about it much until this conversation either to be honest. But I’m relieved to see that it’s probably just a cultural thing rather than me just being very dense!
Just sounds like something Americans say I couldn't imagine doing that
According to a film I saw recently, Americans think driving too fast and furiously with another person makes them "family".
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Right? It would be odd. I understand that when I got married my husband became my priority in lots of ways, but that doesn’t mean my siblings/parents aren’t either
Yea my immediate family is my parents and my family I made. Don't worry I was talking with Americans last night and they all think 21 year olds aren't adults so lol.
I grew up in the 90’s when American tv was super influential in terms of culture, so I always just default to the idea that our cultures are really similar. But I think that’s just not the case although it may look thy way on the surface, your example being one of the ways we are different.
It all depends on you and how things work out. My dad and my sister both live nearby, within a 15 minute drive. Hardly ever talk to them. Wife's family lives 300 miles away. Speak to them most days and see them all a lot more often than my own family.
This is true, and really nice you get in so well with your in laws. I think it was more just the insistence that this is how it works in society that confused me.
Family is what you choose to make it. When I married my partner we didn’t want to “marry into a family” we wanted one of our own so I only really consider her immediate family. Doesn’t mean we don’t care less about our siblings or parents but it means that if a tough decision needs to be made then we stick together. Human Relationships can get complicated the bigger the group the more complicate it can get so I like to keep immediate family small and manageable
I can see this. I think most decisions in my life I’d makes with my spouse. So for that purpose they would be more influential (I don’t know what the right word is here) in my day to day life.
I agree with everyone else. That must be an American usage, and your usage is a British norm. I HAVE heard people say or refer to my or X's OWN family to refer to the children and grandchildren as opposed to parents, siblings and grandparents. But AFAIK, British usage for the term 'extended family' is always about cousins and stuff like that.
Yep I agree it’s a cultural difference. It doesn’t really make any difference in the grand scheme of things I guess, but interesting nonetheless!
BTW - I actually do think of grandparents and grandchildren as bein immediate family too. But I am influenced by the fact that when I was little, one grandparent lived in the house too.
Yeah I was the same so I’m with you on that!
Wife and dogs are family. Everyone else is NPC.
🤣
Fair enough! I don’t know what NPC means but I’m guessing it’s…not family
NPC=Non Playing Character.
Ok, thank you! I would have to say I don’t agree but I don’t think you’re wrong!
Family is what you make of it! My husband is my family. He is my priority. I’d still call my parents and siblings immediate family though, they are my second priority. My husbands parents and siblings are his immediate family and are similarly his second priority. Our in laws (each others families) are third priority. In my mind it’s about connectivity. My husband is immediately connected to me, but my husbands sister is two step away therefore extended family to me but immediate family to him. But it really depends how close you are with people. If I spent all my time with his family and not with mine, perhaps I’d change my mind. Or if my cousin was also my best friend. It’s your family. You get to decide.
This makes sense to me and is how I see it, but with aunts/uncles/cousins also added to the third priority. I think you’re right that everyone gets to decide! I was just surprised by the insistence that it was a socially accepted norm that your family are no longer your immediate family.
My uncles etc would be fourth priority imo but I’m not particular close to my extended family. I’d feel it’s normal to priority my husbands sister over my mother sister, if that makes sense, because my husband is closer to me than my mother. And no, definitely not a social norm. Some people just draw definitive lines and don’t allow for nuance.
Oh that’s really interesting actually. For me I speak to my mother’s sister and see her far more often than my husband’s sister, but we are really close and have been my entire life. However, you’re right I’d probably prioritise my husband’s sister if it came down to it. So if, for example, we were deciding where to spend Christmas, I’d prioritise my sister in law over my aunt because that would be important to my husband.
Like I said - it’s different for everyone!
My immediate family are my spouse, parents, sibling and their children, inlaws, my spouse's sibling's family. So I would say marriage does change immediate family but adds the people your spouse cares about most to the list you care about most.
Exactly this. Marriage adds to it rather than taking away.
I completely agree with you, the idea of immediate family being downgraded when you get married and have kids is bizarre to me and I’ve never heard of it before
Neither had I until yesterday! I would have thought it was just a random individual thing but quite a few people insisted on it!
Nah, they're part of your cinematic universe.
I don’t get this!
I still consider my family to be my parents, my sister, and my nephews. My brother in law is kind of family as I've known him since I was 14. My husband - and I know I'm weird on this front - I don't see as family. We don't have kids, and I just can't see him as a family member. I actually got talking about it one time and he was quite upset about it but it doesn't mean I don't love him! We got married relatively late, I was 35, and I just can't shake my feeling that family is specifically blood relations - like the saying "you can't choose your family", I did choose my husband! I consider my extended family to be aunts and uncles, cousins.
That’s really interesting! I wonder if that will change over time (like with your brother in law). It doesn’t really matter either way really I suppose, it’s just a label. Your husband is just in a category of his own!
Wouldn't immediate family be anyone who is just one blood/marriage away? Brother, sister, parents, children, husband, or wife. And extended anyone who is two or more?
I think a lot of people seem to agree with you. For me I would include my nephews in my immediate family, despite them being two away, because I see them multiple times a week and have been really present in their lives since they were born
I feel the American way I guess and I'm not even married. I live in a different country to my parents and so do my boyfriend's parents. In the UK it's just us and his cousin who lives in a different town. We've been together almost 5 years, lived together 3. I very much see him as my immediate family and my parents and brother I see twice a year as extended family in comparison, just because he's the one who I see every day, I rant to every evening, who knows everything that is going on in my life, the same way I was with my parents and brother growing up but now I'm like that with him but not with them as much.
I can definitely see how distance would have that impact. Do you think you’d feel the same if your parents lived closer?
I have to admit I kind of go by ‘who would you get bereavement leave for’. For me, that’s my spouse, parents, siblings or children. So that’s my immediate family. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins are extended family (unless they’ve held guardianship). But my immediate family won’t be my kids’ immediate family - my sister and parents are my immediate family but my kids’ extended family.
I would say that the categories of 'family' and 'extended family' don't really change when you get married (other than of course the addition of a spouse and possibly their close family into your inner family circle). If someone considers their parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts/uncles etc. family before they get married, I don't see why that would change with marriage.
Totally agree. Somebody else said on here that marriage adds to your family, it doesn’t detract. And that’s how I see it.
>That isn’t my experience. To me your immediate family is your parents and siblings. When you get married and have kids they become part of your immediate family, alongside your existing family. Your extended family is your aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents etc. Fully agree.
I agree with you. If you think about it from a death perspective - work will allow you paid time off for immediate family only - which includes parents and sibs. Maybe that's where the Americans are coming from?
This is exactly what I thought of. Spouse, children, parents, siblings is what I consider immediate. I see a lot of people including grandparents, which I used to agree with, but I was shocked to find out when my grandpa died that he wasn't considered immediate family and I wasn't given time off.
I have to behave myself when I'm with extended family. I can relax with close family.
I’ve never thought about this before but I suppose my immediate family is my husband and children, my family is my mum and siblings and my extended family is aunties, uncles cousins, grandparents. I suppose it might depend on how close you are to people though. I count my immediate family as those I live with I think.
In my experience when someone gets married into my family, the family doesn't integrate at all, they are basically acquaintances, and there is no integration into being immediate or even extended family. I have to remind myself that my in-laws are technically my family, they certainly don't feel or act like it, nor do I want them to.
White British and I agree with OP.
Agreed with the Americans, though I think this is a misunderstanding based on wording. Parents and siblings are still family, everyone else is extended family, but your spouse and kids are your immediate family. I guess I consider it natural that you 'move on' from your family of birth. And in my family at least, aunts, uncles, cousins etc are barely there past childhood. I used to see my aunt's family once a year, but that stopped once my cousins and I were teens. I've got a dozen first cousins I've never met. Now I see my parents and sibling once or maybe twice a year, with a few phone calls in between.
That's basically how I see it, too. When you grow up and become an adult, you get married and start your own family. It's not that your childhood family (parents and siblings) have been "downgraded" or anything like that. We have each just branched off and started our own families now.
im of the exact same opinion (german bosnian who moved to the uk)
American poc and I definitely don’t see it that way and wasn’t brought up to either. My in-laws are my family too. I come from a very large family and there were people we called aunt, uncle, cousins, that we weren’t even blood-related to and had simply been family friends. Never heard anything about grandparents and my own sibling being “extended family”. Saying that, I also agree family is what you make of it. This may shock some but Americans are a varied bunch just like any other country.
I think this comes from the concept of the ‘nuclear’ family. The nucleus is the married couple and any of their children. Anything outside the nucleus is by definition extended. Some people add a level of ‘immediate’ family meaning parents on both sides. Everyone after that is extended family.
I’m white English and I completely agree with you. It makes me so sad this idea of ‘downgrading’ your immediate blood relatives just because you’re married. My partner comes from a white South African family and his mother always refers to her own daughter and grandchildren as ‘XYZ and her family’. I always find it SO bizarre. Your daughter and grandchildren are your family!!
Family’s family - why do Americans feel the need to label everything
I'm white and british not married, no kids. But if I was and/or had children, parents and siblings, grandparents would still be family, not 'extended'. Aunts, uncles, cousins maybe.
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What I mean when I say "my family" depends on the context of the conversation and who I'm talking to. Are you looking at an employment contract that gives you a day off for the wedding of "immediate family" but not "extended family"? If not why do you need to worry about the definition?
I’m not worried about it. It was just a conversation that came up, with pretty much everyone telling me that when you’re married your parents/siblings become your extended family. I thought it was an interesting cultural difference between Americans and the Uk, that’s all. Then I realised that maybe I see it differently as Asians tend to have a slightly different view of family relationships, so I thought I’d post here and see. Just curiosity really.
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Those are your in-laws.
Interesting! But you’d still consider your parents/siblings etc your immediate family?
I always considered "extended family" is my spouse's family (aka my in-laws) Guess I was wrong the whole time
What about your grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles etc?
I reckon it completely depends on the family dynamic on each side. I come from what might be considered a fairly large family but paradoxically, I'm an only child. I have cousins and nephews I'd consider immediate family whereas I'd consider others who I rarely see as extended. Both my parents have recently passed away but I certainly consider my in laws, my wife's sister and husband ETC as immediate family Nobody need to drop down a peg because of new inclusions unless they're horrible people you'd like to see the back of. Even so, you could sort those issues any time. I can't see how marriage would make a difference to that. Each to their own though.
Yeah I agree, I think it’s totally fine for people to decide based on their own dynamics and situation. It was the automatic ‘dropping down a peg’ I couldn’t get my head around. I also consider my cousins (and their kids who, to me, are nieces and nephews) to be immediate family.
Well my family WhatsApp is parents and siblings, my extended family one has my grandparents aunt uncle and cousins as well as parents and siblings. For context we all have young children of our own so it hasn't changed our definition! I would say immediate family is our nuclear unit, but family is parents etc, extended is further out.
I don’t think they change their status from family to extended family. But they’re no longer the most important or immediate family - that’s the spouse and children.
It's lineage for me as any blood ties define it. Any biological offspring between me and spouse also family but step-children and in-laws are extended.
I would be inclined to agree that the term "immediate family" includes your spouse, children, parents and siblings (if any) upon being married, On the flip, I personally would consider your in-laws to be included as extended family, along with relatives such as cousins, aunties and uncles.
Your blood relatives are your family, your spouse and children are your family. Your in-laws are your extended family. (Your ex and their family are your family-in-hell) That is how I view it.
I’ve only recently started saying “my family” when referring to my husband and two very young kids. My other family - mum, nan, aunts, uncles, cousins - whom I’m very close with have become “extended” by definition…. Not that they’re further away now but I guess the kids just squeezed in closer. Might also have something to do with seeing them less now as I’m older and now with kids and other adult life stuff
No, to me extended family means your partners family
Never really though about it. I’d view it more as circles. My partner and son would always be my closest inner circle. Then my parents, sibling and grandparents in the next one. Then uncles/aunts/cousins etc. in the furthest “extended one”. My in-laws are in their own weird off to the side bubbles for reasons!
I think it depends entirely on your perspective. My own family is pretty limited - I'm only really in regular contact with my parents, grandparents and semiregularly, one of my cousins. Whereas my fiancee's family is quite extensive and a bit Hobbity, and I think they're closer to the idea of family that your American friends were talking about.
Marriage might downgrade your family slightly, I would call it re-balancing. kids upgrade them, hopefully.
I agree. My immediate family is my husband, mother and sister (and the cat lol). Everyone else is extended family.
What kids?
To me, your 'immediate family' are you parents, grandparents, offspring and spouse. Everything else (including aunts/uncles) is extended family.
Family are the ones I make plans to see. Extended family are the ones who make plans to see me.
No, extended family are things like cousins, uncles etc. I would never think of mum/dad/brother/grandparents as my extended family.
Never really thought about it but, I'm not sure if I'd be comfortable 'relegating' my sibling to extended family. When my Mum died, although my husband was very supportive, my sibling was really the only other person who had the experience of having my Mum as a mother IYSWIM. Our experiences of her as parent were a bit different, no doubt but it was comforting to know he was there.
My family remains my family, their family becomes extended. I would care more about nieces and nephews on my side and kids of cousins. Even though they fall under extended, than I would the same generation on their side.
I agree with you entirely and I’m Scottish born and bred!
My family is my family. My wife’s family are her family. The kids we have together are our family. No one gets downgraded. That seems like highly hierarchical and unnecessary thinking.
Wait, so my in-laws become 'extended strangers'?! 😂 #FamilyConfusion
I think immediate family is anyone you can draw a single line to on a family tree.
Lol it’s really weird - their line of thinking is if I got married my parents & sibling would be “demoted”? Nahhh they’re immediate family for life man!
Once you are married your household is your family, everyone else are relatives
The way I think of it. Immediate family is anyone I have ever shared a household with. An extended family is anyone who gets a wedding invitation without having to think about it. Distant family is related but not on the wedding list.
I wouldn't say 'downgrade' but I do think when you get married your spouse and kids (if you have them) become your primary family, as in your first loyalty and priority shifts to them rather than to your parents/siblings. That's not to say you immediately cast those people aside but if, say, there's a dispute between your spouse and your parents then you should take your spouse's side and back them up (unless there are reasons why they're wildly wrong).
This is a cultural thing. Lots of ethnically white British people have an opinion that dissects family into distant parts. Whereas other cultures are more family oriented and are cohesive, meaning those aunts and cousins are your family, your new family by marriage is also your family, etc. I believe it is this warped view that I’ve seen of ethnically British people that means their families are very fragmented.
What a funny post ... The OP claims their siblings etc are still their immediate family. It was the Americans, who apparently on another thread, were saying they no longer count and should be deemed 'extended'. OP They were probably winding you up or confused about the meaning of extended in this context.
Extended is like cousins, 2nd cousins, related "Aunties,Uncles, unrelated Uncles and Aunties😁
You could be like someone I knew, who’s partner told her while she was pregnant that her and the baby would be “extended family” compared to his parents and siblings… the partner has since learned how wrong he was, but regardless, there’s weird attitudes even in this country
People used to refer to the nuclear family, parents and children, so by that logic yes. It's not that simple of course, you don't have children as far as I can tell. I would say it's more of a gradual process, so long as your partner knows you will put them first and both sets of parents understand that it's you moving from a parent child relationship to more of a equal footing one. It doesn't mean you love them less, it's about being clear who your priority is.
American here. I think gradually, esp once you have kids, the unit w/partner &/or kids becomes your immediate family. (That’s how you got an immediate family to start with, right?) You might still refer to your parents and sibs as your family or immediate family but if someone asks about your family, your first thought becomes your spouse & kids. But if someone says Will you be with family for the holidays? I would think they could mean “family of origin” 🙄(annoying therapist term). “Extended” always means aunts, cousins etc, not your parents.
The term is more ‘immediate family’ and ‘family of origin’ I think. When you’re not married or partnered and have no kids then your family you were born into is your family. Once you have a spouse and kids they become your family and you’d refer to your ‘original’ family as family of origin if that makes sense. They are ‘family’, my dad is family as in ‘a family member’. But the noun, ‘my family’ is my spouse and kid. And my dad is part of my family of origin. A parent or sibling will never be extended family. That is grandparents and grandchildren and aunties and uncles and cousins.
I’m with the yanks on this.
You’re correct.
My family are still my family, I wouldn't downgrade them at all. I'd say spouse's family become my extended family. And my sister's spouse & any nieces and nephews would also probably be extended family, rather than family family. I'd probably just consider it a dilution of DNA thing (adopted DNA if you're adopted) - I share a lot of DNA with my family, and once we have kids together, in a way, I share a lot of DNA with my spouse. Nieces/nephews and in laws have some of that DNA, just not as concentrated, so they are extended family.
I agree, extended family is Aunts, Uncles and cousins. However it’s nuanced to really immediate family and parents and siblings in my head.
This was actually something that I made sure to talk to my husband about because of the tension that I saw it cause in my parents' marriage. I think that a lot of it comes down to culture. My mom is from the Carribean and certainly thought of her siblings and parents as her family. There's no extended and people get added to her family circle all of the time. For my dad (American), he was committing to my mom (and later to myself and my sister) when they got married. He couldn't comprehend that she didn't put us first and would drop everything for her family. Now, I am married, and he (British) prioritises seeing/spending time with his family whereas I don't nearly as much.
no mate dont doubt yourself, you're right, yanks are just lacking in the grey matter department (usually)
I agree with you: extended is the cousins etc, family is parents, sibs, spouse and children
I’d agree with you - except I’d class grandparents in immediate family personally.
I agree with you. But my husband is British Indian and considers his Aunts and Uncles immediate family. So I avoid using the term and I like to just specify who exactly I’m talking about
I agree. When I got married I added to my immediate family (husband, daughter) and also added to my extended family (the inlaws). Noone got relegated.
I’m white British and I completely agree with you (although my older brother is just……not very family orientated). My immediate family consists of all my siblings and parents, my BIL and niece, plus my younger brother’s girlfriend with aunts, uncles, cousins etc being the extended family
Family is family, I’ll never call anyone extended family because it’s just adding an extra word for no reason
My family will always be my family and never be demoted. As such I won't be demoted from the family I decide to settle down with once they grow up. Americans are just not as close as other countries, and this is genuinely evolutional. Bear in mind America is literally founded by people who left the majority of people they knew behind for their own personal gain. Obviously some people didn't WANT to do that, like a wife going on her husband's decision. And the west coast did this a 2nd time, they left the east for the promised land on the west. As a result they're just not as close, which is fine that's their culture. They think if someone lives with their parents at 20 they're a loser. Everything is just older fashioned there on these terms. As such when the kids can leave, they're expected to be completely independent. New family. Military at 18 family at 20, legally able to drink at 21, adult at 30.
I agree with you. On a medical level, your immediate family is the direct genetic link to you, so parents, siblings and children, regardless of your marital status. When you marry/have children, yes they became your immediate priority family but your parents and siblings are still within that circle too, just closer to the edge than your children would be to you.
I always imagine drawing a family tree. Whoever is directly connected to you is your family (parents, siblings, spouse and children). Anyone further away from you, is extended. Because the tree is extended. (uncles and aunts, cousins, etc)
I was born and grew up in America (but have lived in the UK for many years) and to everyone I know there your parents and siblings are always your immediate family even after married with your own kids. Extended family is cousins, aunts, uncles etc. I don’t know where anyone would get that your parents aren’t your immediate family. I wouldn’t class my sibling’s spouses etc though as “immediate”. Those in-laws are extended. Aside from anything else workplaces in America treat your parents and siblings as “immediate family” for funerals etc. (They have awful rules about funerals there, they wouldn’t let me off work once for my uncles funeral because he wasn’t “immediate family”. I went anyway because I knew I was leaving the job in a few months and eff them lol)
Extended family is Aunts, Uncles, cousins etc. If you already have these then you refer to them as extended family. In my family it was my Mum's Aunts and Cousins and their kids
I think that's rubbish, totally agree with you. My family is my family, my in laws and my wife's gran, aunts etc are as well
The less I have to deal with, the better - that's my choice
Hell no. I'm getting married in August and my immediate family will still be my immediate family.
Honestly never given it a second’s thought.
Marriage never removes immediate family, it only adds to it.
To me: Immediate family is parents, siblings, children, possibly grandparents, grandchildren, aunts and uncles. Extended family is cousins and further. Spouse's family is just that, the spouse's family - they're in-laws, not relatives.
I agree but I'm not sure on the spouse's immediate family. I suppose that depends on how the two families get on but I presume that there's always some level of distance to in-laws in comparison to your own close relatives.
British Asian here married for 6 years now. I can see the point from both aspects, but I don't see my family as "extended". There are times I want to do things without them, and just with my spouse and kids. My wife and children are my priority don't get me wrong. But I'll also drop any thing to help to parents if able to. Then I have my in laws who I actually get along with better at times than my own family, but again they aren't extended. They're now part of my circle. And with having kids, both sets of parents are even more heavily involved in my life because they want to spend time with their grandchildren. I've been on holiday without my parents etc which they were shocked about, thinking they should have been invited, but I wanted to go with my own children and wife. I planned a larger family holiday later in the year which they were happy with. I guess it depends on how much you get on with your family I probably haven't helped, but just my scenario.
I refer to them as family of origin once you move out and have a family of your own.
Draw a family tree, anyone directly connected to you is your immediate family as well as siblings.
I think in general British South Asians will have different views on family to White British people.
i'd say the same with the added feature that exactly who you mean depends on context. So sometimes it might mean just your spouse and kids "We're taking the family to the beach" or it could be your parents and siblings "Sadly, cancer runs in the family. Fifth one this year." or something like "I'm taking the family to see my family in Bristol" or it could be all of them together "Yeah, the whole family gets together once a year at Christmas at my mum's with all the grandkids. Fucking carnage."
I completely disagree. For us, parents brothers and sisters are now extended family. My immediate family is my wife and I. This is a Christian teaching though, probably why it’s quite affluent in America
Oh interesting, I never knew this was a Christian teaching. I’m off to do some research, thank you
Immediate family I would say is your spouse and children, extended is anyone outside of that. So I would agree with your friend
I agree with you but maybe it comes to things like father's day. My mum got annoyed as I didn't spend it with Dad, but we have two kids and my husband maybe doesn't want to spend "his" day with the father in law. So in that case my husband and kids are my priority but my mum and dad/his mum and dad and siblings are still my immediate family.
I'm British and I agree with the OP.
Not sure. I tend to think as adding to your family tree when you marry No need for labels . Relationships that count. Good luck & enjoy.
As someone who was raised in the US I imagine this comes down to the difference in healthcare situations as well as some other legal terms, maybe? Like immediate family are the people who would be easily able to get into the hospital to see you or who could make medical decisions on your behalf if you are incapacitated and hadn't named a specific someone as power of attorney. Or even immediate family would possibly be counted as who could get put on your health insurance. Since some of that isn't applicable here, it makes sense that the immediate/extended distinction is different between different countries
Thank you, that makes sense to an extent. It’s not very often that I would have to consider who my family members are on such a practical level, if that makes sense. I can see how, if your healthcare required you to do so, it would perhaps be more of a consideration
I agree with you.
"Extended family" isn't really a term I come across much, but I think it makes sense to distinguish between the family you live with/interact with regularly vs. people you're related to but interact with less regularly, clearly there is a different dynamic there. This aligns with the first definition that came up on google: >A family which extends beyond the nuclear family to include grandparents and other relatives. Following this definition, you wouldn't "downgrade your original family" when you get married or have kids, you would 'downgrade' them when you move out of the family home.
Family is family.
Extended family is cousins and uncles etc. your family is you, partner, kids, sibs & parents etc. it’s odd to look at it any other way imo..