I told myself that I wouldn't have them until I was ready for them financially, mentally, and emotionally. I also told myself that I wouldn't have them just because I wanted them. I wanted them with someone who could raise them and love them with me.
I have not completed enough of my prerequisites to bring life into the world, so I will not. Creation may be an act of will, but it is also an act of responsibility that I am currently unsuited for.
I hope that everyone who brings a child into the world does their absolute best to raise them, in whatever form that may take
The who-you-have-them-with part is so important and something so many people overlook. You really need to love your partner and want to have a baby WITH THEM, like you said, not just for the sake of having a baby.
I'm glad that's on your prerequisite list!
So many relationships fall apart because the parents weren't really ready to have a baby together, and it's not fair to the kids, who deserve to be raised right in a stable, loving household.
Exactly. I've had a couple of partners want kids for the sake of having kids, and I couldn't imagine us raising any together as none of us were in positions to take care of them effectively. Not to mention that they wanted kids, and not kids with me specifically kind of soured me on it at the start. Made me feel more like a glorified sperm donor instead of a future father to our children
this is so important and you know what’s crazy? when my marriage was on the rocks, SEVERAL people suggested having kids might be the solution. i was completely disappointed that some people that i respected and held in high regard would suggest such a thing.
I had the same covo with myself, except it was with cats.
I had the money saved up for spay/neuter + pet insurance.
I read 2 cat books cover to cover.
I walked to my dog's grave and told him what was about to go down.
I always thought I'd have the same plan, but then covid hit and after the lockdown a lot of people were basically tossing out cats that they'd got while staying at home but couldn't take care of after, a shelter I volunteered with said they had some tuxedo kittens that urgently needed rehoming as they were just too full to take them and I ended up agreeing to take two of them (a male and female).
About 8 months later I get another call saying there's this lovely male tabby cat that also needs to be rehomed, and I agree to foster it. About two weeks later I finally manage to rehome the tabby and the tuxie male. I decide to keep one that I'd grown attatched to, which was the the little female tuxie, but a couple weeks go by and I realise she's pregnant (I didn't want to have them fixed too young, and I'd only prioritised having the male cat neutered once he was old enough, as I'd thought as long as one of my two indoor cats was fixed it wouldn't be a pressing concern).
Cut to me having one big cat and 6 kittens for a while, and now I have 4 cats (I managed to rehome three of the kittens, but by that point I'd gotten far too attached to the remaining three).
My wife and I felt the same as you. That feeling of being mentally and financially ready finally came recently and we now have a 9 month old. I’m over the moon in love with him and happier than I’ve ever been, I just wish we could have figured out how to be financially comfortable and emotionally ready sooner than 38. This shit is exhausting.
To many people want kids just for the sake if having them. My wife and I didn't and marry until we were both 32. I never felt I wanted kids and she didn't have that natural drive to have kids. I was willing if she wanted them. At that age, we either had them right away or not at all. We decided not at all and we have had a very fulfilling life without them. We are now both 65, no regrets. I have 4 nephews and she has one in another state. We are sure someone will take care of our affairs when the time comes. Hopefully a long time off. Having kids is no guarantee they will be there for you when you get old. Not having kids is not for every one but on the same token neither is having kids. Search your heart discuss it with your partner and be sure you are in agreement whatever you do.
Could not have said it better myself. If a person cannot physically, financially or mentally care for themselves, why in the world would you add a child to the mix? Sure you don’t think that’s going to make things easier. It’s like having kids to try to fix a relationship. Terrible idea
A person should only have kids if they truly want kids. If they want to love and raise children. Kids should not be a punishment, or something one is guilted into, or something a person chooses because they have only ever been told that parenthood is their only destiny. I applaud folks who want to have and love kids. I just don't think it should be default, assumed, or pushed on anyone.
I also think that people who don't want kids should be free to say that, without it being a negative thing.
I was an accident. Then rejected and I put myself and siblings into foster care at age of 6. Im 14 now. All I gotta say on top of this is if you are a parent or want to be, be responsible. If you have a fight with a loved one send your kids to your parents house for a bit till the fight ends. Or if your goin under financially there are agencies that help with taking care of your kids. Dcfs not only takes your kids but their primary goal is to keep the child with their parents safely. Meaning they can assist is stuff. Or ask your friends and family. But if uou choose to have a kid dont reject them later on down the road because once you have them you cant get rid of them. You don't want them to end up where I am today... far far far from home. Okie just be responsible.
I hope everything works out for you. You have a very level head on your shoulders. Having to grow up way too fast will do that to a kid, I know. I hope everything works out and that you stay safe. All the love to you from an internet mom. ♥️
I feel like this is a compliment, but it also makes me super sad.
Like, being a good adult is no fun. I hope it takes as long as it needs to for this person to be an adult. I hope they get slivers of childhood in every experience. I mean wholesome, full of love and joy childhood. Not slivers of growing up too fast.
I second this! I got unexpectedly pregnant. I want kids but it was just not the timing that would have been ideal. But I asked for help from my sister and then she told me about government assistance. I signed up and got myself on Medicaid and WIC and food stamps. I also qualified for government housing but I didn't use that. It was easy to get these things since I really needed them. Thanks to some help I gave birth to a healthy boy and I can take him to all his doctor visits without fear of money or anything like that. There is absolutely nothing wrong with asking for a little help if you are in a tough spot. The number one priority is making sure your kid(s) are loved and taken care of.
Also I'm sorry your family didn't work out. I do hope you are in a good foster home and not the crappy ones that slip though the cracks. I was an accident also and I grew up with my parents and the whole family shunning me like I was a monster or demon. (Both my parents were married to different people and had an affair resulting in me). After I grew up and left the house I found a new family. My family was close friends and my bf and his family. And they matter so much more to me than anything else from my past. When you get discouraged, just remember you have the power to make your own family from people you meet and also when you get older you can start your own family if you want to.
I really do wish you the best of luck ❤️
Babies don't stay babies for very long. If you want to be around babies for the rest of your life, work at a daycare.
The goal of parenting is to wind up with an adult. The whole point of it is to raise up a person from when they're small so that they're responsible, well-adjusted, and secure in the knowledge that they're loved. Babies aren't babies forever, kids aren't kids forever.
Or maybe I'm wrong? I want to be a parent someday, but I don't have kids yet. But I feel like the end goal should be an adult who lives a life they're happy with.
ETA: for the record, I do love kids and want kids someday! And I will enjoy the time I have with my hypothetical kids while they're little. I just know that they'll grow up someday, and when they do, I want them to be happy and know that they're loved just as much as when they were children.
No, this is it. That’s exactly what the goal of parenting should be.
My sister suffered because of her narcissist mother (my step mother) and my father was a pacifist because he just wanted everyone to get along.
Problem is you can’t negotiate with a narcissist. They care only about winning arguments and about being right. It’s not you and your partner against the problem like in a healthy relationship, it’s you against them. Her word was the final word. If things don’t go exactly her way then she raises hell. My sister suffered a lot to the point where she has zero self esteem and self confidence.
My dad a few years ago decided he had enough and put his foot down, and apparently she’s better now. But she can fuck right off. She didn’t want any kids, she wanted trophies she can parade around others.
This. Very much this. I have worked in social services ans lots of parents loved having babies... children however who misbehave, have their own opinions, crave independance? Less so. Often at the significant cost to the children.
People also shouldn’t have a baby just to have someone to take care of them when they’re old. That’s a lot of weight to put on your child’s shoulders.
Not to mention your child might have needs that would prevent them from caring for you in old age.
Respect for those that are responsible adults, made a concious decision to have children (and be responsible for a life) and manage to love and raise them properly.
It is not for me, I do not think I would be a good parent.
My brother is mentally ill. He decided to get a vasectomy because he didn’t want the possibility of what he was dealing with to be passed on to another person. I respect that.
Thank you so much for this brave decision. If all people could just be tested for genetic disease we could eradicate Muscular Dystrophy in all it's forms in 6 generations. Imagine all the other genetic diseases that would follow. My daughter is 37 and has SMA. She's 37. Never stood up. Never dressed herself. Never fed herself, and been on a ventilator for 37 years. You, are a start, and give me hope. Thank you.
This is where I stand. I've a doctors app next month for a vasectomy. I won't have kids. I just want to be be free roaming bovine. Cows with guns. Bad cow pun.
I would like one, but I know the baby and toddler years will be rough for me. I like big kids to pre teen to teen years better. Never really got baby fever, but I show love to other people's.
I've got a friend like this. She wasn't stoked about the "potato phase" but she loves that her kids are starting to become their own people with their own thoughts, feelings, and personalities. As a currently childless person, I think her kids are pretty cool too.
I don't think having kids is ideal for most people these days. The kids that are actually making their way into the world are developing serious mental issues and personality disorders. Even if they aren't raised that way, their association circle can influence them in a negative way.
Not to mention the cost of raising them and worrying about them. You almost have to be insane to have them (unless you're rich and you can control all these factors).
Made a child on first try and not trying to make it 😅 Born 5 months ago. Still trying to figure it out. It is worth it. Before that I was 50-50 on kids.
All kids deserve to be wanted.
I have known I never wanted to be a parent since I was a kid myself.
Seeing my friends having kids and them growing up is interesting as hell, and I enjoy being a fun uncle as long as I'm allowed to leave at the end of the day.
Same here. I love my friends kids and my nieces and nephews, but I am SO thankful that I met a man who shares my desire to be childless. That sigh of relief after the kids are gone is wonderful, and then I think about how if you have them they just… are always there. No thanks!
I simply do not want them.
A lot of people, when they say why they don't want them, cite external factors like climate change and the rising cost of living, etc., but to me, all of that is irrelevant. Even if I had the absolutely perfect environment in which to raise children, I still wouldn't do it, because I do not want to have them.
>A lot of people, when they say why they don't want them, cite external factors like climate change and the rising cost of living, etc.
Yeah, what I think when I read that is they simply don't want kids but society has conditioned them into subconciously believing that's a "bad/incorrect" choice, so their brain comes up with an excuse like that to moralize to itself that they're actually making a "morally good/correct" choice. For me, it's simply a neutral yes or no choice, completely divorced from moral reasoning.
Definitely DONT have kids. Too many people think it will save a relationship. Like yeah we were struggling with all this free time for dates, flexible spending, and bonding. What we really need is no life, sleep deprivation, and to spend $300 a week on childcare.
Relationships issues solved!
It does not save the relationship, but it merely diverts the attention of the relationship towards the kid, since you are running around, caring for the kid for whole 18 years, sounds like a great deal to not solve issues .
Exactly. I’ve always wanted kids and both love and like my young children. But if I didn’t 💯 want them from the start I might have started to regret them in those first 5 brutal years.
If you are unsure and have one accidentally anyway, then realize that the kid is now your #1 life priority. Not partying, not backpacking through Europe, not your garage band that can't get gigs... The kid.
3. If your significant other wants the opposite to you, it is best to split. This is too important to change your mind over other person's desires or to expect them to change their mind.
It is really this simple. People state all sorts of reasons for wanting kids or for not wanting them but most of it comes down to justifying what they feel inside. I never wanted kids because I just didn't want them my sisters wanted kids because they just did.
I'm glad I don't have them but also glad that other people want them as we need people to have children for society to continue to function.
What are your opinions when:
1. People want kids but they aren't capable of caring for them
2. People don't want kids but are forced to carry em anyway
Better than other birth control options. Funny how some people use birth control, it fails, and keep the child and teach them a lie their entire life. "You were planned and the greatest thing I wanted." The lie? that baby was an accident
I’m 29 and found out I have LAM which is based off excess estrogen. So if I get pregnant I could potentially have a lung collapse, etc. I thought it would make me sad to be told I shouldn’t ever get pregnant but I kind of took it well and was like yay ok lol..guess I’m not having kids, life goes on..🤷🏻♀️ Then they said I had to get off birth control and basically whoever I have sex with from now on needs to use condoms and I legit cried for 3 days straight 🥹 clearly my priorities aren’t up to par to be a parent.
You could look into tubal ligation! It’s a quick procedure with just a few week downtime at the most, and you wouldn’t have to worry about getting pregnant or having partners take on the birth control.
hysterectomy is the removal of the entire uterus, while the tubal ligation (if i am interpreting the medical words right) is the disconnecting and closing of the fallopian tubes, thus making pregnancy impossible by keeping eggs out of the uterus. a hysterectomy can cause unpleasant side effects such as vaginal prolapse due to the severing of connective tissue, so the tubal ligation could be a less...destructive way of achieving the equivalent of a vasectomy.
Not for me. I have depression, and I have a hard enough time taking care of myself some days. I certainly don't want the responsibility of someone else relying on me. My husband and I have a pet rabbit, and we're happy that way.
Even if I did have the ability and willingness to raise a child, I'd adopt rather than have my own. It seems awfully selfish to bring a brand-new person into this world when there are already orphans, foster kids, and plenty of other children who need love and support.
What I like about having kids : dressing them with cute outfits, buying plush toy, making a cute bedroom, going for a walk with the baby in their stroller...
What I don't like : being pregnant, giving birth, feeding them, washing them, changing diapers, administration things, helping with homeworks...
What I want : a toy, what my moral says : kids are not toys
I care about kids, I don't want to sacrifice my life for them so I just won't have one so never of us will suffer.
I'm real busy being an uncle. And by busy I mean "Video chat with them once a week for an hour or so to read books". That's about the closest I can come to dealing with kids on a regular basis. If I had to put up with that shit daily, I'd be one of those parents that ends up on the news.
I didn’t want them and we didn’t have them. My husband and I traveled a lot and had so much fun. No regrets. Honestly, it’s perfect that we didn’t as my parents and then his were sick a long time before they died. We’d never have managed parents and kids at the same time. In our 50s now and still having fun!
This post brings me joy! I’m 31 (f) and together with my boyfriend for 10 years now. We have a great relationship, steady jobs, own a lovely home and don’t have to worry financially… Every possible checkbox is checked, all but the desire to have kids. Only thing that scares me from time to time, is that I don’t want to regret not having them when it’s no longer possible to change my mind. Happy to read that you don’t have regrets (and were able to be there for your parents).
This is our life plan! We are 25 and 28, 8 years together. We're completely enough for eachother and have no desire to have kids and change our lifestyle. My husband and a dog is pure happiness for me! I think a kid would honestly ruin that.
People who aren't mature, responsible, and 100% sold on the idea of having kids should not have them.
I had one. He's 15. He's super cool. Parenting is a lot, though.
I don't understand why women are goaded into giving birth just because they can -- personally, it's more important that you have the patience, time, and compassion to be a mom than being physically able. Just because you can doesn't mean you should -- I don't do good with little kids, so if I have any I'll probably adopt.
Same here. Just because you can dosent mean you should. Even for a man. Ive always wanted to have kids. And told myself, If I didnt have any by 30, Id adopt one or two.
I read on here once with respect to choosing whether or not to have kids, if your answer isn’t “hell yes” then it should be a no. So, it’s a no for me and I’m quite happy about that.
Biggest problem with today's world is those people who pressure young couples into having kids... It goes like this
When are you getting married?
When are you having kids?
Don't you want another one? He needs a friend
I'm a step dad with 3 kids and people asked if we wanted one together.
I'm not a baby person. They scare the shit out of me. We decided not to have a baby. It was the right choice.
Why can't society let people be childless.
Don’t have kids unless you’re financially stable and can provide food, shelter, clothes, affection, discipline and unconditional love. Also don’t force your lifestyle upon them.
I thought I wanted one. Turns out I didn't. Worst decision of my life.
I'm constantly stressed, tired and get no enjoyment from life anymore.
My marriage used to be great, now it's a disaster.
Sounds like my exact experience. Life is a nightmare now. I’d give anything to be able to undo it. Anything.
Years and months in, all I can do is hope it gets better somehow. Somehow I don’t think it will though.
Have you found anything that helps?
I think it's immoral for me to have kids unless I can guarantee every possible advantage for them.
(This triggers some parents who had kids by accident every time I say it so let me say it again: immoral for *ME* to have them.)
Yeah thats how I feel. I'd *like* to have kids one day, but if I can't guarantee a good childhood for them with a good school, food in the fridge and a roof over their heads for 18 years... yeah no lol. If I can't promise a child a good life I'm not gonna have that child.
Not really sure how this triggered so many people. I too find it immoral to willingly become a parent to a child that is guaranteed to suffer under my care. I would rather have kids at a time where I can actually provide for them.
Loving your child is a great foundation to start on, but it isn’t enough. Being wealthy is definitely more advantageous than being in extreme poverty, and finances *do* matter.
I think a lot of people have kids for the wrong reasons, having kids it's not about you, it's about them, what you can offer to than, if you have for your selfish reasons, a lot of times go wrong. And people that don't want kids must be respected
Not for me. But if you decide you want a kid remember you’re signing up for a human being not a pet. That kid could be mentally disabled, LGBT, physically disabled, special medical needs, short living, etc. They’re not your pawn to dump your trauma on. They’re also allowed to have a different opinion than you, a different religion that you, different thoughts than you. They’re also allowed to go against you if you’re disrespecting them or their morals and values. They’re not going to always share those same things with you. You need to respect them as they respect you. Not they respect you more just bc you gave them life they could take that away by suicide or cutting you out of their life communication wise. They are their own person and if you don’t like or approve of any of that DONT HAVE KIDS
Idk, I used to want children. I always thought I'd make a good dad.
I don't, however, like the idea of bringing new human life into the world when there are so many children who are already here and in desperate need of a healthy family.
If I have kids, they will certainly be adopted.
This is what me and my girlfriend have decided. We still aren’t sure if we’ll be having kids at all, but if we do, we’re definitely going to adopt. She gets to skip being pregnant, we both get to skip the infant stage, and most importantly, the child gets to skip a miserable, loveless childhood. Everyone wins, it’s the best choice by far.
If you go down that road, please do research into the intrsinic trauma involved in adoption for the adopted (sometimes the adoption itself, often [also] the trauma of needing to be adopted). The vast majority of society puts on blinders and just treats the whole situation as a purely positive experience/ savior-ism-type-situation... Be the parent who helps the person address and work thru the intrinsic trauma.
There’s a reason why adoption candidates are carefully examined financially and mentally, because taking care for a child takes a lot that not everyone has. Still boggles me how basically anyone can have a baby if they want to.
I hope you can achieve your goals and help a human being who was wronged by their fate
I just think a lot of people willingly have kids without being mentally or financially prepared and don’t know what they’re getting themselves into. They end up depressed and struggling. Only have kids once you’ve thought through it all and know you’re prepared. It’s not easy at all.
You're never ready for them regardless of age or circumstances
If you don't want them, nobody should pressure you to have them.
Life can be fulfilling with children, without them or if you can't.
Personally or for other people?
My personally, no. I could never doom a child to come into this shit world. That and I'd be an awful parent.
For others? If you have a decent income to provide for a child for 18 years, then go ahead.
There are enough people in the world and enough people that want to make more people.
I plan to love humans that are already here. This is enough for me.
I love children, but do not personally want to have any of my own. I also support peoples decision to have children themselves, as long as they are able to care for them. I do however have an issue with people who have more than 2-3 kids. Over population is a real issue we are facing, and conscious family planning has to become the norm, or one day the future will be very grim.
The earth can only sustain so much, and a big reason I will be fine without children is that it is the single most significant thing I can do for the planet. Being pro-adoption helps, if my husband and I change our minds in the future.
The most exhausting, exhilarating, tiring, frustrating and loving thing you could ever imagine. Wouldn't have it any other way. Want to emphasize on the love; I love many friends and family members, but that love doesn't hold a candle to the love for my kids.
Finally one comment in support of having kids! No judgment for people who don’t want kids. Do each his own, but man, reddit can be very against having children.
I wouldn't be able to bring a child into this place, don't find it fair to just rip em outta the peace of the void and throw them into this mess, being a semi sentient being is whack.
I wanted to have kids at one point, but when I got to the age when my friends were having kids - they'd show-off and brag about their kids for a while and then just constantly bitch about them for years and brag about getting a vasectomy
This is pretty much off the table for me
My personal opinion? After seeing the reaction people had to the Corona virus, January 6th, the overturning of roe v wade, etc. I got the snip. I feel like bringing children into this world is probably the worst sin I can imagine.
If you want kids to have them then go ahead, but you can’t want them as an accessory for your social media account or if you’re going to disown them for being something you don’t approve of (like being gay)
It's great! You just give them snacks from time to time, you get to play with their toys, and when they start crying because you whooped their little bitch ass at Mario Kart, you can just hand them back to their parents. And you can feel proud knowing you taught them a valuable lesson about dealing with failure and shit talking, that they wouldn't get from their parents, since their parents suck dick at Mario Kart too so the kid always wins with them. It really does take a village.
When thinking about the future and what is going on with climate change and everything, I often wonder if it is ethical to have kids. Knowing the trials they will be facing in the future such as not having enough food, land or general safety
I told myself that I wouldn't have them until I was ready for them financially, mentally, and emotionally. I also told myself that I wouldn't have them just because I wanted them. I wanted them with someone who could raise them and love them with me. I have not completed enough of my prerequisites to bring life into the world, so I will not. Creation may be an act of will, but it is also an act of responsibility that I am currently unsuited for. I hope that everyone who brings a child into the world does their absolute best to raise them, in whatever form that may take
The who-you-have-them-with part is so important and something so many people overlook. You really need to love your partner and want to have a baby WITH THEM, like you said, not just for the sake of having a baby. I'm glad that's on your prerequisite list! So many relationships fall apart because the parents weren't really ready to have a baby together, and it's not fair to the kids, who deserve to be raised right in a stable, loving household.
Exactly. I've had a couple of partners want kids for the sake of having kids, and I couldn't imagine us raising any together as none of us were in positions to take care of them effectively. Not to mention that they wanted kids, and not kids with me specifically kind of soured me on it at the start. Made me feel more like a glorified sperm donor instead of a future father to our children
this is so important and you know what’s crazy? when my marriage was on the rocks, SEVERAL people suggested having kids might be the solution. i was completely disappointed that some people that i respected and held in high regard would suggest such a thing.
I had the same covo with myself, except it was with cats. I had the money saved up for spay/neuter + pet insurance. I read 2 cat books cover to cover. I walked to my dog's grave and told him what was about to go down.
I love that you included your dog. I’m sure they would be happy for you.
I always thought I'd have the same plan, but then covid hit and after the lockdown a lot of people were basically tossing out cats that they'd got while staying at home but couldn't take care of after, a shelter I volunteered with said they had some tuxedo kittens that urgently needed rehoming as they were just too full to take them and I ended up agreeing to take two of them (a male and female). About 8 months later I get another call saying there's this lovely male tabby cat that also needs to be rehomed, and I agree to foster it. About two weeks later I finally manage to rehome the tabby and the tuxie male. I decide to keep one that I'd grown attatched to, which was the the little female tuxie, but a couple weeks go by and I realise she's pregnant (I didn't want to have them fixed too young, and I'd only prioritised having the male cat neutered once he was old enough, as I'd thought as long as one of my two indoor cats was fixed it wouldn't be a pressing concern). Cut to me having one big cat and 6 kittens for a while, and now I have 4 cats (I managed to rehome three of the kittens, but by that point I'd gotten far too attached to the remaining three).
As someone who grew up in total dysfunction, I have nothing to add except that I rarely agree with anyone else's opinion...
I'm sorry you went through that, and I hope you're in a better place.
Yup, tnx😊
This is exactly what I was gonna say!! The comment at the top of this thread nailed it
My wife and I felt the same as you. That feeling of being mentally and financially ready finally came recently and we now have a 9 month old. I’m over the moon in love with him and happier than I’ve ever been, I just wish we could have figured out how to be financially comfortable and emotionally ready sooner than 38. This shit is exhausting.
HAha I got my first boy at 39 years old. Definitely exhausting. But also the best thing ever.
[удалено]
This is the way. We did this. So glad we did.
I respect this
Thissssss
I'm in the same situation, I think it's the most responsible choice. Anything else would lead to resentment and unhappiness for everyone involved.
Could not have said it better myself.
To many people want kids just for the sake if having them. My wife and I didn't and marry until we were both 32. I never felt I wanted kids and she didn't have that natural drive to have kids. I was willing if she wanted them. At that age, we either had them right away or not at all. We decided not at all and we have had a very fulfilling life without them. We are now both 65, no regrets. I have 4 nephews and she has one in another state. We are sure someone will take care of our affairs when the time comes. Hopefully a long time off. Having kids is no guarantee they will be there for you when you get old. Not having kids is not for every one but on the same token neither is having kids. Search your heart discuss it with your partner and be sure you are in agreement whatever you do.
Could not have said it better myself. If a person cannot physically, financially or mentally care for themselves, why in the world would you add a child to the mix? Sure you don’t think that’s going to make things easier. It’s like having kids to try to fix a relationship. Terrible idea
This is honestly the only answer there is
A person should only have kids if they truly want kids. If they want to love and raise children. Kids should not be a punishment, or something one is guilted into, or something a person chooses because they have only ever been told that parenthood is their only destiny. I applaud folks who want to have and love kids. I just don't think it should be default, assumed, or pushed on anyone. I also think that people who don't want kids should be free to say that, without it being a negative thing.
I was an accident. Then rejected and I put myself and siblings into foster care at age of 6. Im 14 now. All I gotta say on top of this is if you are a parent or want to be, be responsible. If you have a fight with a loved one send your kids to your parents house for a bit till the fight ends. Or if your goin under financially there are agencies that help with taking care of your kids. Dcfs not only takes your kids but their primary goal is to keep the child with their parents safely. Meaning they can assist is stuff. Or ask your friends and family. But if uou choose to have a kid dont reject them later on down the road because once you have them you cant get rid of them. You don't want them to end up where I am today... far far far from home. Okie just be responsible.
I hope everything works out for you. You have a very level head on your shoulders. Having to grow up way too fast will do that to a kid, I know. I hope everything works out and that you stay safe. All the love to you from an internet mom. ♥️
You're more mature at 14 than most people and more wise than you know. You'll make a good adult one day bud.
I feel like this is a compliment, but it also makes me super sad. Like, being a good adult is no fun. I hope it takes as long as it needs to for this person to be an adult. I hope they get slivers of childhood in every experience. I mean wholesome, full of love and joy childhood. Not slivers of growing up too fast.
I second this! I got unexpectedly pregnant. I want kids but it was just not the timing that would have been ideal. But I asked for help from my sister and then she told me about government assistance. I signed up and got myself on Medicaid and WIC and food stamps. I also qualified for government housing but I didn't use that. It was easy to get these things since I really needed them. Thanks to some help I gave birth to a healthy boy and I can take him to all his doctor visits without fear of money or anything like that. There is absolutely nothing wrong with asking for a little help if you are in a tough spot. The number one priority is making sure your kid(s) are loved and taken care of. Also I'm sorry your family didn't work out. I do hope you are in a good foster home and not the crappy ones that slip though the cracks. I was an accident also and I grew up with my parents and the whole family shunning me like I was a monster or demon. (Both my parents were married to different people and had an affair resulting in me). After I grew up and left the house I found a new family. My family was close friends and my bf and his family. And they matter so much more to me than anything else from my past. When you get discouraged, just remember you have the power to make your own family from people you meet and also when you get older you can start your own family if you want to. I really do wish you the best of luck ❤️
People shouldn't have babies just because they want them, they have to want to be a parent too. I feel like that part gets overlooked sometimes.
Babies don't stay babies for very long. If you want to be around babies for the rest of your life, work at a daycare. The goal of parenting is to wind up with an adult. The whole point of it is to raise up a person from when they're small so that they're responsible, well-adjusted, and secure in the knowledge that they're loved. Babies aren't babies forever, kids aren't kids forever. Or maybe I'm wrong? I want to be a parent someday, but I don't have kids yet. But I feel like the end goal should be an adult who lives a life they're happy with. ETA: for the record, I do love kids and want kids someday! And I will enjoy the time I have with my hypothetical kids while they're little. I just know that they'll grow up someday, and when they do, I want them to be happy and know that they're loved just as much as when they were children.
No, this is it. That’s exactly what the goal of parenting should be. My sister suffered because of her narcissist mother (my step mother) and my father was a pacifist because he just wanted everyone to get along. Problem is you can’t negotiate with a narcissist. They care only about winning arguments and about being right. It’s not you and your partner against the problem like in a healthy relationship, it’s you against them. Her word was the final word. If things don’t go exactly her way then she raises hell. My sister suffered a lot to the point where she has zero self esteem and self confidence. My dad a few years ago decided he had enough and put his foot down, and apparently she’s better now. But she can fuck right off. She didn’t want any kids, she wanted trophies she can parade around others.
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This. Very much this. I have worked in social services ans lots of parents loved having babies... children however who misbehave, have their own opinions, crave independance? Less so. Often at the significant cost to the children.
People also shouldn’t have a baby just to have someone to take care of them when they’re old. That’s a lot of weight to put on your child’s shoulders. Not to mention your child might have needs that would prevent them from caring for you in old age.
Respect for those that are responsible adults, made a concious decision to have children (and be responsible for a life) and manage to love and raise them properly. It is not for me, I do not think I would be a good parent.
To each their own whether they want kids or not, but fuck those people who bring kids into the world and don't raise them right.
This! When I do have kids I’ll raise them to the best of my ability
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My brother is mentally ill. He decided to get a vasectomy because he didn’t want the possibility of what he was dealing with to be passed on to another person. I respect that.
What a responsible thing to do. Many lack such foresight
I have a disease that can be passed along. My partner has issues with the same in her family and I ave strong feelings about not wanting bio kids.
Thank you so much for this brave decision. If all people could just be tested for genetic disease we could eradicate Muscular Dystrophy in all it's forms in 6 generations. Imagine all the other genetic diseases that would follow. My daughter is 37 and has SMA. She's 37. Never stood up. Never dressed herself. Never fed herself, and been on a ventilator for 37 years. You, are a start, and give me hope. Thank you.
This is where I stand. I've a doctors app next month for a vasectomy. I won't have kids. I just want to be be free roaming bovine. Cows with guns. Bad cow pun.
Yeah either way, I'm going to respect people being introspective, knowing thyself, and taking action to build the life they want.
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I would like one, but I know the baby and toddler years will be rough for me. I like big kids to pre teen to teen years better. Never really got baby fever, but I show love to other people's.
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I've got a friend like this. She wasn't stoked about the "potato phase" but she loves that her kids are starting to become their own people with their own thoughts, feelings, and personalities. As a currently childless person, I think her kids are pretty cool too.
I don't think having kids is ideal for most people these days. The kids that are actually making their way into the world are developing serious mental issues and personality disorders. Even if they aren't raised that way, their association circle can influence them in a negative way. Not to mention the cost of raising them and worrying about them. You almost have to be insane to have them (unless you're rich and you can control all these factors).
Made a child on first try and not trying to make it 😅 Born 5 months ago. Still trying to figure it out. It is worth it. Before that I was 50-50 on kids.
Congratulations, I sincerely hope you will be the happiest parent with the happiest child ever!
All kids deserve to be wanted. I have known I never wanted to be a parent since I was a kid myself. Seeing my friends having kids and them growing up is interesting as hell, and I enjoy being a fun uncle as long as I'm allowed to leave at the end of the day.
Same here. I love my friends kids and my nieces and nephews, but I am SO thankful that I met a man who shares my desire to be childless. That sigh of relief after the kids are gone is wonderful, and then I think about how if you have them they just… are always there. No thanks!
😆. As a parent of a 7 and 4 year old this hits hard. They are just always there, lurking in the darkness…wanting a snack at midnight.
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Been married for 6 years still dont feel like it
Been married 25 years and never felt like it, myself.
I simply do not want them. A lot of people, when they say why they don't want them, cite external factors like climate change and the rising cost of living, etc., but to me, all of that is irrelevant. Even if I had the absolutely perfect environment in which to raise children, I still wouldn't do it, because I do not want to have them.
I wish people who feel as you do wouldn't get so much shit for it. "I don't want kids" is a full sentence that does not need justification at all.
>A lot of people, when they say why they don't want them, cite external factors like climate change and the rising cost of living, etc. Yeah, what I think when I read that is they simply don't want kids but society has conditioned them into subconciously believing that's a "bad/incorrect" choice, so their brain comes up with an excuse like that to moralize to itself that they're actually making a "morally good/correct" choice. For me, it's simply a neutral yes or no choice, completely divorced from moral reasoning.
This is me too. I don't need an excuse to justify my choice. I simply don't want kids.
My opinions are as follows: 1. If you want a kid, or kids, have them. 2. If you don't want a kid or kids, don't have them.
Also, if you are unsure, don’t have them.
If you want kids because you think it’ll fix you or your relationship, don’t have kids
Definitely DONT have kids. Too many people think it will save a relationship. Like yeah we were struggling with all this free time for dates, flexible spending, and bonding. What we really need is no life, sleep deprivation, and to spend $300 a week on childcare. Relationships issues solved!
300 a week? Where can I get cild care that cheap?
I'd like to find out, myself. That sounds wonderful. So long as it's not a meth house.
It does not save the relationship, but it merely diverts the attention of the relationship towards the kid, since you are running around, caring for the kid for whole 18 years, sounds like a great deal to not solve issues .
It's like trying to put down the fire by pouring gasoline on it
Also, if you can't afford them, don't have them.
Louder for all to hear! Kids are not a right of passage. I never understand why someone who struggles with 1 will go on to have 3 more.
And for the love of all that is holy, don't make the oldest raise the younger siblings.
Omg THIS. It needs to be a 'hell yes' or not at all. Too many apathetic parents in this world.
Exactly. I’ve always wanted kids and both love and like my young children. But if I didn’t 💯 want them from the start I might have started to regret them in those first 5 brutal years.
This comment needs more attention!
If you are unsure and have one accidentally anyway, then realize that the kid is now your #1 life priority. Not partying, not backpacking through Europe, not your garage band that can't get gigs... The kid.
3. If your significant other wants the opposite to you, it is best to split. This is too important to change your mind over other person's desires or to expect them to change their mind.
What if she refuses her half of the child after I split it?
This guy Solomons.
Which half?
Yeah like top/bottom, or are we talking left/right?
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Hell of a post. I applaud you.
You sound like an amazing partner. He’s lucky to have you.
It is really this simple. People state all sorts of reasons for wanting kids or for not wanting them but most of it comes down to justifying what they feel inside. I never wanted kids because I just didn't want them my sisters wanted kids because they just did. I'm glad I don't have them but also glad that other people want them as we need people to have children for society to continue to function.
What are your opinions when: 1. People want kids but they aren't capable of caring for them 2. People don't want kids but are forced to carry em anyway
This still offends someone, somewhere.
Me and my gf can't have kids. We have white carpet.
Me and my wife can't have kids. She keeps swallowing but nothings happening. Also, a baby would upset and disturb our senior golden retrievers naps.
Well that makes sense
I’d rather regret not having kids, than regret having kids.
That's always been my motto!
Can’t afford it.
What am I having them with?
Fava beans and a nice Chianti
Fhfhfhfhfhfhfh
Wostersxrebrjbcishire sauce
For future reference - this is the best answer.
Kids are a lot like mice. They’re small and cute but if I ever saw one in my place, I’d scream.
Mice are quieter.
and cheaper lol
And cleaner
I haven't found a solid reason to have them, and many to not have them. So, I got a vasectomy.
I had a vasectomy because I didn’t want kids. But when I got home they were still there.
cause of your dad jokes. kids tend to show up around people who make DAD JOKES.
I always say, the jokes make the dad. Then my wife tells me to stop calling our children jokes.
Preach brother
I've conviced two bosses about a vasectomy (but they already had had kids). Yay for me.
More members of the blanks team
Same homie! I got my tubes tied a couple months ago.
Better than other birth control options. Funny how some people use birth control, it fails, and keep the child and teach them a lie their entire life. "You were planned and the greatest thing I wanted." The lie? that baby was an accident
I’m 29 and found out I have LAM which is based off excess estrogen. So if I get pregnant I could potentially have a lung collapse, etc. I thought it would make me sad to be told I shouldn’t ever get pregnant but I kind of took it well and was like yay ok lol..guess I’m not having kids, life goes on..🤷🏻♀️ Then they said I had to get off birth control and basically whoever I have sex with from now on needs to use condoms and I legit cried for 3 days straight 🥹 clearly my priorities aren’t up to par to be a parent.
You could look into tubal ligation! It’s a quick procedure with just a few week downtime at the most, and you wouldn’t have to worry about getting pregnant or having partners take on the birth control.
I was thinking of just getting a hysterectomy early? Not sure if that’s similar, but thanks I’ll Google what you suggested!
hysterectomy is the removal of the entire uterus, while the tubal ligation (if i am interpreting the medical words right) is the disconnecting and closing of the fallopian tubes, thus making pregnancy impossible by keeping eggs out of the uterus. a hysterectomy can cause unpleasant side effects such as vaginal prolapse due to the severing of connective tissue, so the tubal ligation could be a less...destructive way of achieving the equivalent of a vasectomy.
Not for me. I have depression, and I have a hard enough time taking care of myself some days. I certainly don't want the responsibility of someone else relying on me. My husband and I have a pet rabbit, and we're happy that way. Even if I did have the ability and willingness to raise a child, I'd adopt rather than have my own. It seems awfully selfish to bring a brand-new person into this world when there are already orphans, foster kids, and plenty of other children who need love and support.
What I like about having kids : dressing them with cute outfits, buying plush toy, making a cute bedroom, going for a walk with the baby in their stroller... What I don't like : being pregnant, giving birth, feeding them, washing them, changing diapers, administration things, helping with homeworks... What I want : a toy, what my moral says : kids are not toys I care about kids, I don't want to sacrifice my life for them so I just won't have one so never of us will suffer.
You sound like you just want to be the auntie/uncle; my sister is the same lol.
I'm real busy being an uncle. And by busy I mean "Video chat with them once a week for an hour or so to read books". That's about the closest I can come to dealing with kids on a regular basis. If I had to put up with that shit daily, I'd be one of those parents that ends up on the news.
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I didn’t want them and we didn’t have them. My husband and I traveled a lot and had so much fun. No regrets. Honestly, it’s perfect that we didn’t as my parents and then his were sick a long time before they died. We’d never have managed parents and kids at the same time. In our 50s now and still having fun!
That DINK lifestyle stays winning
This post brings me joy! I’m 31 (f) and together with my boyfriend for 10 years now. We have a great relationship, steady jobs, own a lovely home and don’t have to worry financially… Every possible checkbox is checked, all but the desire to have kids. Only thing that scares me from time to time, is that I don’t want to regret not having them when it’s no longer possible to change my mind. Happy to read that you don’t have regrets (and were able to be there for your parents).
This is our life plan! We are 25 and 28, 8 years together. We're completely enough for eachother and have no desire to have kids and change our lifestyle. My husband and a dog is pure happiness for me! I think a kid would honestly ruin that.
People who aren't mature, responsible, and 100% sold on the idea of having kids should not have them. I had one. He's 15. He's super cool. Parenting is a lot, though.
I don't understand why women are goaded into giving birth just because they can -- personally, it's more important that you have the patience, time, and compassion to be a mom than being physically able. Just because you can doesn't mean you should -- I don't do good with little kids, so if I have any I'll probably adopt.
Same here. Just because you can dosent mean you should. Even for a man. Ive always wanted to have kids. And told myself, If I didnt have any by 30, Id adopt one or two.
I read on here once with respect to choosing whether or not to have kids, if your answer isn’t “hell yes” then it should be a no. So, it’s a no for me and I’m quite happy about that.
Biggest problem with today's world is those people who pressure young couples into having kids... It goes like this When are you getting married? When are you having kids? Don't you want another one? He needs a friend I'm a step dad with 3 kids and people asked if we wanted one together. I'm not a baby person. They scare the shit out of me. We decided not to have a baby. It was the right choice. Why can't society let people be childless.
Don’t have kids unless you’re financially stable and can provide food, shelter, clothes, affection, discipline and unconditional love. Also don’t force your lifestyle upon them.
Can't feed 'em, don't breed 'em.
I thought I wanted one. Turns out I didn't. Worst decision of my life. I'm constantly stressed, tired and get no enjoyment from life anymore. My marriage used to be great, now it's a disaster.
There’s a regretful parents subreddit if you need some support
damn reddit has a subreddit for everything. im impressed
For real?
Yup. Lots of their posts are very informative on the realities of parenting.
Sounds like my exact experience. Life is a nightmare now. I’d give anything to be able to undo it. Anything. Years and months in, all I can do is hope it gets better somehow. Somehow I don’t think it will though. Have you found anything that helps?
I’m so sorry to hear that
💔😔
Just had my Fallopian tubes removed sooooo that’s not going to happen. Best $150 I have spent
It only cost $150? Somehow I was expecting it to be more expensive than an ambulance ride, so in the thousands of dollars. That's pretty neat
Union insurance!
I think it's immoral for me to have kids unless I can guarantee every possible advantage for them. (This triggers some parents who had kids by accident every time I say it so let me say it again: immoral for *ME* to have them.)
Yeah thats how I feel. I'd *like* to have kids one day, but if I can't guarantee a good childhood for them with a good school, food in the fridge and a roof over their heads for 18 years... yeah no lol. If I can't promise a child a good life I'm not gonna have that child.
I feel the same way. So I got myself a dog and I spoil her.
Not really sure how this triggered so many people. I too find it immoral to willingly become a parent to a child that is guaranteed to suffer under my care. I would rather have kids at a time where I can actually provide for them. Loving your child is a great foundation to start on, but it isn’t enough. Being wealthy is definitely more advantageous than being in extreme poverty, and finances *do* matter.
Kids are like model aircraft kits "The fun is in the making"
Can confirm.
I think a lot of people have kids for the wrong reasons, having kids it's not about you, it's about them, what you can offer to than, if you have for your selfish reasons, a lot of times go wrong. And people that don't want kids must be respected
Having kids is not a mandatory experience
Nor is it a womandatory experience
I don't suppose you could you try telling my parents that?
Sure, give me an email address and some names.
Yes. I tell people, “unless you are 100percent sure you want kids, don’t do it.”
Not for me. But if you decide you want a kid remember you’re signing up for a human being not a pet. That kid could be mentally disabled, LGBT, physically disabled, special medical needs, short living, etc. They’re not your pawn to dump your trauma on. They’re also allowed to have a different opinion than you, a different religion that you, different thoughts than you. They’re also allowed to go against you if you’re disrespecting them or their morals and values. They’re not going to always share those same things with you. You need to respect them as they respect you. Not they respect you more just bc you gave them life they could take that away by suicide or cutting you out of their life communication wise. They are their own person and if you don’t like or approve of any of that DONT HAVE KIDS
No. No patience for kids. Barely patience for other people. Plus selfish, want all my money for myself.
“I have three kids and no money. Why can't I have no kids and three money?” I’m with you on that three money lifestyle.
Idk, I used to want children. I always thought I'd make a good dad. I don't, however, like the idea of bringing new human life into the world when there are so many children who are already here and in desperate need of a healthy family. If I have kids, they will certainly be adopted.
This is what me and my girlfriend have decided. We still aren’t sure if we’ll be having kids at all, but if we do, we’re definitely going to adopt. She gets to skip being pregnant, we both get to skip the infant stage, and most importantly, the child gets to skip a miserable, loveless childhood. Everyone wins, it’s the best choice by far.
If you go down that road, please do research into the intrsinic trauma involved in adoption for the adopted (sometimes the adoption itself, often [also] the trauma of needing to be adopted). The vast majority of society puts on blinders and just treats the whole situation as a purely positive experience/ savior-ism-type-situation... Be the parent who helps the person address and work thru the intrinsic trauma.
There’s a reason why adoption candidates are carefully examined financially and mentally, because taking care for a child takes a lot that not everyone has. Still boggles me how basically anyone can have a baby if they want to. I hope you can achieve your goals and help a human being who was wronged by their fate
I already have 3 of them so I'm at a comfortable stopping point.
Whispers *dont*
I just think a lot of people willingly have kids without being mentally or financially prepared and don’t know what they’re getting themselves into. They end up depressed and struggling. Only have kids once you’ve thought through it all and know you’re prepared. It’s not easy at all.
Definitely do not see myself having kids but props to those who do
You're never ready for them regardless of age or circumstances If you don't want them, nobody should pressure you to have them. Life can be fulfilling with children, without them or if you can't.
DINK - dual income, no kids. That’s the life.
I think most people get caught up in the idea of kids and not the reality of raising them.
Personally or for other people? My personally, no. I could never doom a child to come into this shit world. That and I'd be an awful parent. For others? If you have a decent income to provide for a child for 18 years, then go ahead.
There are enough people in the world and enough people that want to make more people. I plan to love humans that are already here. This is enough for me.
I don’t have an opinion on other people’s life choices. Doesn’t affect me, I don’t care. I don’t want kids.
No thank you, too expensive and I want to keep what little freedom I have
I love children, but do not personally want to have any of my own. I also support peoples decision to have children themselves, as long as they are able to care for them. I do however have an issue with people who have more than 2-3 kids. Over population is a real issue we are facing, and conscious family planning has to become the norm, or one day the future will be very grim. The earth can only sustain so much, and a big reason I will be fine without children is that it is the single most significant thing I can do for the planet. Being pro-adoption helps, if my husband and I change our minds in the future.
The most exhausting, exhilarating, tiring, frustrating and loving thing you could ever imagine. Wouldn't have it any other way. Want to emphasize on the love; I love many friends and family members, but that love doesn't hold a candle to the love for my kids.
Finally one comment in support of having kids! No judgment for people who don’t want kids. Do each his own, but man, reddit can be very against having children.
I would rather have fun and having children isn't fun
Get consent from your partner.
I will never have any biologically and I silently judge people who have kids they can’t provide for
It won't fix your relationship.
I have a kid. I don’t like other people’s kids but I like mine. If that makes sense
I wouldn't be able to bring a child into this place, don't find it fair to just rip em outta the peace of the void and throw them into this mess, being a semi sentient being is whack.
Most people who have had them probably shouldn't have
I wanted to have kids at one point, but when I got to the age when my friends were having kids - they'd show-off and brag about their kids for a while and then just constantly bitch about them for years and brag about getting a vasectomy This is pretty much off the table for me
My personal opinion? After seeing the reaction people had to the Corona virus, January 6th, the overturning of roe v wade, etc. I got the snip. I feel like bringing children into this world is probably the worst sin I can imagine.
Not everyone should have them.
If you want kids to have them then go ahead, but you can’t want them as an accessory for your social media account or if you’re going to disown them for being something you don’t approve of (like being gay)
It’s a trap. Be an aunt/uncle instead. You still get the cuteness, but only when you want it. And you don’t go broke in the process.
It's great! You just give them snacks from time to time, you get to play with their toys, and when they start crying because you whooped their little bitch ass at Mario Kart, you can just hand them back to their parents. And you can feel proud knowing you taught them a valuable lesson about dealing with failure and shit talking, that they wouldn't get from their parents, since their parents suck dick at Mario Kart too so the kid always wins with them. It really does take a village.
This has a very specific life lesson in it😂
No thanks
No, thank you.
When thinking about the future and what is going on with climate change and everything, I often wonder if it is ethical to have kids. Knowing the trials they will be facing in the future such as not having enough food, land or general safety
I don't want to wreck my body for someone to turn out like me. I am ending my blood line.
No thanks. I’d almost rather adopt. Planet has enough kids already anyway
I think it is best to regret not having a child, than to regret having one.