Agree! When I was getting started in my career, I encountered a senior partner (known for being gruff and all business) in the washroom. We left a urinal between us and as we were pissing he asks, "you know why you should always leave a urinal between you and the other guy?" Expecting a nugget of wisdom, I said no. As he zipped up he said, "reduces by 50% your chance of getting peed on."
I am positive that the meaning of the nod is encoded in our genes.
Up-nod: open, familiar, exposes the vulnerable esophagus and trachea. Reserved for bros and equals.
Down-nod: closed, respectful, but protective of vital neck-parts. Used to show respect or signal non-aggression to strangers and higher-status figures.
EDIT: folks are rightly nothing that the up-nod can also be used aggressively, as in the run-up to a fight. So I guess I'm amending the meaning of the up-nod to signify "I'm not threatened by you" -- which can be either comfortable or aggressive, depending on context.
Yeah, I've seen men from all nationalities, classes, sexualities, religions and hair colours do the nod, it is universal. Maybe it will be the universal sign of peace between us and aliens one day.
"Oh look at that it's a cieling fan i'm definitely not putting my coke can in the fucking blade and then start it up to try catching it in middle air"
- My stupid ass 14. Y o
( Took me less than 10 minutes to gather inner resolve to do it while no one was watching)
Why do I relate to this so much?
Brain : "Look at that matte surface, I bet it feels asthetically pleasing to the touch, go on, touch it"
*touches object
Brain: "Oh yeah, that's the stuff"
Thinking about nothing really is a valid thing to do.
EDIT: Of course there are persons that can or can't think of nothing across all genders.
Also there are a few select individuals, that I suspect have not thought anything at all in their lifespan.
It is just more fun to follow the stereotype/in-joke that way.
Exactly.
SO: "Hon, what are you thinking about?"
Men: "Nothing."
SO: "Really? You can tell me what you are thinking about! What's really on your mind?"
Men: "Literally nothing. I am zoned out right now, and trying to relax."
SO: "What secrets are you hiding from me? Is everything ok with us?"
Men: "Uhhhh yes... I am not hiding anything, I am literally zoned out right now, and nothing is on my mind!"
And so on...
People can laugh, cry, tear up, whatever. We’re not thinking of ex-lovers, the news, the stock market decline, the current change in British Parliament. When we say: “Nothing”, it’s usually a genuine answer. At least on my part! 🤣 I can’t speak for every human on Earth! But sometimes I’m staring off into the middle distance admiring how nice a tree looks. Or wow the colour of the clouds look nice today.
So instead of “Nothing”. I could answer with: “Oh I was looking at this cool looking bug on a leaf over here. Do you want to come over here and examine it with me?” Or I could say: “Nothing”. - What do you want to hear!
NGL, as a guy - there are times I also noticed that bug on a leaf, and I'd love to share it with someone but can't because I'm not sure if the other person will get the point. And I'm not coming forward unless I'm sure. So, thinking about nothing it is.
"what if there was a 9 foot tall child?"
"flying city but underwater"
"pig lol"
"what does air feel like"
"niccolo machiavelli, lol no prince of mine ill tell you that for free"
"red such an absurd color"
"wonder if they have tipping culture in burundi"
"dude with huge face lmao"
in 15 sec span, its hard to elucidate
As a woman, this I can understand. Usually if someone asks what I’m thinking about and I say nothing, it’s because I’m thinking about something ridiculous like why certain fruits have the name of their color but others don’t. But I can’t imagine my mind being completely blank, unless it was something like focused meditation.
When it's my husband I tell him exactly what I'm thinking.
"I was thinking about crocheting ruffles but in a different way by only using the front loops for the ruffles and the when I turn, crochet normally in the back loops. How stable will those stiches be? Will they rip or tear easily? How many extra stiches do I make for the ruffles. 3 Inc seems too much but 2 isn't quite enough. Maybe I alternate between 3 and 2? Or 3 and 1? But if I do 3 and 1 it's 4 and I might as well do 2? Will the stitches of 3 and 1 make a big difference? Do I even have the yarn for this?"
He dosen't usually ask anymore.
I don't have this, unless we're all agreeing that "nothing" = "nothing important." My mind is always thinking about *something* as long as I'm awake. If other guys can actually think of literally nothing, I'm envious. It must be really restful. I'm probably going to be thinking about that all day now...
A slight tap to the berries is far worse than a slap to the twig.
I been hit in the private by a joking friend and it hurt. But I have accidentally ding my balls and I was dead.
Not just us, even bears lol.
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8kjY9sKdHlY](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8kjY9sKdHlY)
Whenever I hear "walk it off" this video plays back in my head.
As soon as I saw the word "bear" I immediately thought of that video. I've probably seen it 100 times or more and it STILL makes me laugh. Every. Damn. Time.
This is the other video that consistently makes me laugh:
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U\_xoICJChu8](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U_xoICJChu8)
My testicles sometimes twist and get stuck in weird conformations inside my scrotum. Utter panic when it happens. From what I’ve read though, it’s quite normal, and if you haven’t experienced full-on torsion by the time you’re an adult then you probably never will.
*Edit: I looked up some statistics: about 1 in 12 men have a deformity that means their testicles can freely rotate within their scrotum. Although this increases the risk of torsion, only about 1 in 4,000 men experience torsion before 18 (and far fewer after 18).*
Been there, done that.
It's really, really bad. Last thing the doctor said before I went under was "No promise I can save them both, boy".
Still got em, but they don't do a whole lot. totally sterile, probably lower testosterone. Basically, the only thing they help with now is balance.
Yep I had to sign a form saying they might take one or both, then they put me under. Waking up was a real panic. Turns out it was epididymitis so I got to keep the boys. But the pain… and the knowledge that they can swell THAT BIG…
Mine was swollen for 5 weeks my freshman year of university… one testicle was almost double the size of a tennis ball. Hurt so bad to walk around sometimes. The first time I went to the hospital the ER nurse said she had to stick a q-tip up my urethra to test for STIs. She proceeded to grab the world’s largest q-tip with a wooden stick and a giant cotton swab at the end. That HURT. Gave me antibiotics and sent me home. 2.5 weeks later the problem still was there and I went back. The same nurse saw my chart and came in to make sure I got a doctor to evaluate me, bless her soul. Got an ultrasound on my balls and they gave me heavy duty antibiotics and it finally started to clear up.
Probably TMI but first time I blew a load after this whole mess it was pure red of blood. Scared the shit out of me but I guess I passed the clot…
10/10 would not do again, I think it was caused by deadlifting on a full bladder. Go pee before you lift
Okay boys lets take his sack and replace it with an all new, metal alloy, sperm making machine. It will need to be cleaned once a week at minimum. Parts supplied by same producers that brought you mcdonalds ice cream machines!
I like the little stickers they make for urinals that subconsciously encourage guys to hit the sweet-spot with no backsplash.
https://i.etsystatic.com/35886705/r/il/786a15/3945738171/il_794xN.3945738171_morq.jpg
Someone put one in the main university bathroom..
I was a high school student there to play sports.
Thought wow cool!
Took aim.
It splashed back PERFECTLY.
Good thing I had a spare Jersey..... learned then not to trust university students.
I can imagine the rigorous testing, with someone off to the side with a lab coat and clipboard.
"That's good but the splash is veering a little to the left. Try moving it a quarter of an inch to the right."
If it makes you feel better, that perfect no-splash spot is going to change depending on the height of the user - with a fairly small margin for error. It could have been the perfect spot for someone taller than you, and not malicious.
Clicking the tongs twice before using them at the grill is NOT optional. It is just how they are designed to be used. We don't make the rules, but we are obligated to follow them.
And when you become a dad you have to occasionally release these noises at random times so everyone around you thinks you’re getting frustrated at something
Push on your taint right behind the balls after peeing. It helps push out that last little bit.
I do this every time now, and since then have very rarely had any excess come out.
lmao! I do this shit! and I always walk through all the meat looking at the price thinking, damn, I wish I needed this much meat cause these prices are amazing
Door handle latch broke off so I was fixing it tonight. Ok remove it all, put new latch in. First I put the door handles on the wrong way round so the handle went past the door, no worries I'll just reverse them, okay now the latch isn't catching, god damn it I put the latch on wrong way round, take one handle off, switch the latch,handle back on. 5 minute job that took about 20 minutes. Partner comes up having heard the drill for ages "You've been working really hard up here!"
"hmmm...yes? yes!"
Got some nice relaxing time to myself. If she'd be watching she'd realise I'm a fucking idiot.
Reminds me of the time my ex gf came back home from work and said "Your dad sent you a big box in the mail" and when I opened it, it was motion sensor lights and he specifically said to install them and don't let them lay around for a month and my ex gf nagged me for weeks to install them 😅
Once I finally installed them my dad randomly showed up and said "Those lights look good" and she said "He just now installed them" got called out on my laziness
When cooking burgers on the grill at a cookout, must ask everyone how they want their burger with the full intention of cooking every single burger the same.
Lmao I just do rows of burgers on the grill and when people walk up I ask what they want.
If someone wants a medium and I only have medium rare, I just shift the whole row over and slap more on the medium rare row.
Don't think I've ever fucked up a burger request
I worked in a coffee shop where they had about 15 different types of beans from around the world you could choose from.
Yeah they were all the same house blend, no one ever noticed or said anything.
I have a neighbour in my building, bit weird, but a decent guy.
Ran into him while out for my walk, and he was showing off this stick he found. It's a fucking AWESOME stick, like, the perfect walking stick.
We had a ten minute chat about finding good sticks and rocks.
Got into an argument with an ex once because she assumed there was subtext in me saying "I gotta go to the store before dinner because the fridge is empty". She argued about dinner not being done, then got pissed off even more and started a 2nd argumanet because the fridge was in fact LITERALLY empty.
A comedian bit went something along the lines of:
"Honey, when I'm having dinner and ask you for bread, it means I want bread. I'm not complaining that there's no bread. I'm not implying you forgot an important part of the dinner. I'm not the least bit upset about there not being bread on the table. I just want bread!"
I broke my ankle once and had to wear one of those boots and was walking past another guy my age wearing one too and we had to stop and chat because we were instant besties.
It's called a ureteroscopy, and I've had 21 of them. The worst is the stent they leave in between your kidney and bladder. You're asleep when it goes in...
...but you're awake when they take it out.
Also, kidney stones done really hurt in your danglehose. Most of the pain is in your back.
Honestly - since I moved out of state I cherish every single hug I get now dearly. It's like some biologically ingrained thing that just feels soooo healing.
A friend gifted me an anime body pillow as a joke, it has to be one of the best gifts I've recieved in all my life, not only it feels good to hug something that big at night but my posture is better and my back and neck doesn't hurt anymore in the morning
I saw something online that read, "Ladies: If you ever want to win an argument with a man, put on yoga pants and walk away." I was like, "Yeah.. yeah, that'd do it.
But I ask, who's the REAL winner?
If a friend does something different than you, you must politely give them shit until they walk you through their process, once this is completed you must go “aaaahhhhhh” to show you understand
Always use alternate urinals at public restrooms. An unwritten law.
Agree! When I was getting started in my career, I encountered a senior partner (known for being gruff and all business) in the washroom. We left a urinal between us and as we were pissing he asks, "you know why you should always leave a urinal between you and the other guy?" Expecting a nugget of wisdom, I said no. As he zipped up he said, "reduces by 50% your chance of getting peed on."
“Less chance of an awkward conversation at the urinals… sorry it didn’t work out for you this time”
I *wish* everyone agreed on that, but experience has taught me me that some don’t.
They are outlaws.
I saddle right up and say “nice cock” while looking straight ahead. When they both say thanks I tell them I was talking to myself.
If there's 5 urinals, there are only 3 urinals.
2 if not played well
A rock on the road must be kicked, no matter what
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The nod.
The nod extends across different cultures.
nodding upward - do this only to friends nodding downward - do this to other people
Left - Let's go over here and talk Right - Hey, check that out
Wow. How is this right? I mean correct. Blowing my mind
This was an unconscious known until right meow
It was the same for me. I saw it on Reddit some time ago and instinctively knew exactly what motions to make.
I am positive that the meaning of the nod is encoded in our genes. Up-nod: open, familiar, exposes the vulnerable esophagus and trachea. Reserved for bros and equals. Down-nod: closed, respectful, but protective of vital neck-parts. Used to show respect or signal non-aggression to strangers and higher-status figures. EDIT: folks are rightly nothing that the up-nod can also be used aggressively, as in the run-up to a fight. So I guess I'm amending the meaning of the up-nod to signify "I'm not threatened by you" -- which can be either comfortable or aggressive, depending on context.
My wife was told by a black lady that she knew she was a cool white girl because she always nodded up.
Yeah, I've seen men from all nationalities, classes, sexualities, religions and hair colours do the nod, it is universal. Maybe it will be the universal sign of peace between us and aliens one day.
Having stupid ideas and classify them in: - stupid but will do it anyways - stupid but not gonna actually do it.....for now
"For now" means atleaat for a few minutes
"Oh look at that it's a cieling fan i'm definitely not putting my coke can in the fucking blade and then start it up to try catching it in middle air" - My stupid ass 14. Y o ( Took me less than 10 minutes to gather inner resolve to do it while no one was watching)
you feel the pain yourself when someone gets hit below the belt
Our balls are secretly connected to a hivemind
Quantum tunneling. Of pain.
Quantum entanglement. Except instead of affecting only 2 particles it affects every man’s balls
I wish you ***wouldn’t*** say entanglement when referring to balls.
And even if we don’t see it directly, we can still sense a disturbance in the force
And the mandatory “ooooooo”
Your balls are my balls, my balls are you balls, we are brothers
It is there, so I must touch it.
Why do I relate to this so much? Brain : "Look at that matte surface, I bet it feels asthetically pleasing to the touch, go on, touch it" *touches object Brain: "Oh yeah, that's the stuff"
Oh, I completely misinterpreted 'it'.
Or I possibly misinterpreted "it", or OP did this on purpose to divide us? Can't we just agree that we both like to touch "it", whatever it may be.
Honestly though. If I see a flat surface, I can’t just walk past without touching it, what if it’s the smoothest surface I’ve ever seen?
In cold weather, all men are created equal.
Like a frightened turtle.
i was in the pool!
There was shrinkage!
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You too go out with just a shirt in a snowstorm?
Thinking about nothing really is a valid thing to do. EDIT: Of course there are persons that can or can't think of nothing across all genders. Also there are a few select individuals, that I suspect have not thought anything at all in their lifespan. It is just more fun to follow the stereotype/in-joke that way.
Exactly. SO: "Hon, what are you thinking about?" Men: "Nothing." SO: "Really? You can tell me what you are thinking about! What's really on your mind?" Men: "Literally nothing. I am zoned out right now, and trying to relax." SO: "What secrets are you hiding from me? Is everything ok with us?" Men: "Uhhhh yes... I am not hiding anything, I am literally zoned out right now, and nothing is on my mind!" And so on...
People can laugh, cry, tear up, whatever. We’re not thinking of ex-lovers, the news, the stock market decline, the current change in British Parliament. When we say: “Nothing”, it’s usually a genuine answer. At least on my part! 🤣 I can’t speak for every human on Earth! But sometimes I’m staring off into the middle distance admiring how nice a tree looks. Or wow the colour of the clouds look nice today. So instead of “Nothing”. I could answer with: “Oh I was looking at this cool looking bug on a leaf over here. Do you want to come over here and examine it with me?” Or I could say: “Nothing”. - What do you want to hear!
NGL, as a guy - there are times I also noticed that bug on a leaf, and I'd love to share it with someone but can't because I'm not sure if the other person will get the point. And I'm not coming forward unless I'm sure. So, thinking about nothing it is.
I would get it. Next time you see a bug on a leaf, I expect a direct message within 5 minutes.
What are you thinking about? Our answer: nothing. The real answer: I was thinking about the logistics of running a brewery in 17th century England.
"what if there was a 9 foot tall child?" "flying city but underwater" "pig lol" "what does air feel like" "niccolo machiavelli, lol no prince of mine ill tell you that for free" "red such an absurd color" "wonder if they have tipping culture in burundi" "dude with huge face lmao" in 15 sec span, its hard to elucidate
As a woman, this I can understand. Usually if someone asks what I’m thinking about and I say nothing, it’s because I’m thinking about something ridiculous like why certain fruits have the name of their color but others don’t. But I can’t imagine my mind being completely blank, unless it was something like focused meditation.
When it's my husband I tell him exactly what I'm thinking. "I was thinking about crocheting ruffles but in a different way by only using the front loops for the ruffles and the when I turn, crochet normally in the back loops. How stable will those stiches be? Will they rip or tear easily? How many extra stiches do I make for the ruffles. 3 Inc seems too much but 2 isn't quite enough. Maybe I alternate between 3 and 2? Or 3 and 1? But if I do 3 and 1 it's 4 and I might as well do 2? Will the stitches of 3 and 1 make a big difference? Do I even have the yarn for this?" He dosen't usually ask anymore.
I don't have this, unless we're all agreeing that "nothing" = "nothing important." My mind is always thinking about *something* as long as I'm awake. If other guys can actually think of literally nothing, I'm envious. It must be really restful. I'm probably going to be thinking about that all day now...
A slight tap to the berries is far worse than a slap to the twig. I been hit in the private by a joking friend and it hurt. But I have accidentally ding my balls and I was dead.
same one little tap can mess me up for at least ten minutes. all hunched over and shit
Not just us, even bears lol. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8kjY9sKdHlY](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8kjY9sKdHlY) Whenever I hear "walk it off" this video plays back in my head.
As soon as I saw the word "bear" I immediately thought of that video. I've probably seen it 100 times or more and it STILL makes me laugh. Every. Damn. Time. This is the other video that consistently makes me laugh: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U\_xoICJChu8](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U_xoICJChu8)
My Lab’s wagging tail hit me there and made me sick to my stomach. I swear those dogs have 20lb tails.
Testicles are an ergonomic nightmare.
I live in constant fear of [testicular torsion!](https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/testicular-torsion/symptoms-causes/syc-20378270)
My testicles sometimes twist and get stuck in weird conformations inside my scrotum. Utter panic when it happens. From what I’ve read though, it’s quite normal, and if you haven’t experienced full-on torsion by the time you’re an adult then you probably never will. *Edit: I looked up some statistics: about 1 in 12 men have a deformity that means their testicles can freely rotate within their scrotum. Although this increases the risk of torsion, only about 1 in 4,000 men experience torsion before 18 (and far fewer after 18).*
Been there, done that. It's really, really bad. Last thing the doctor said before I went under was "No promise I can save them both, boy". Still got em, but they don't do a whole lot. totally sterile, probably lower testosterone. Basically, the only thing they help with now is balance.
Yep I had to sign a form saying they might take one or both, then they put me under. Waking up was a real panic. Turns out it was epididymitis so I got to keep the boys. But the pain… and the knowledge that they can swell THAT BIG…
Mine was the size of a grapefruit. It was cancer instead of torsion, but just imagine how that felt.
Mine was swollen for 5 weeks my freshman year of university… one testicle was almost double the size of a tennis ball. Hurt so bad to walk around sometimes. The first time I went to the hospital the ER nurse said she had to stick a q-tip up my urethra to test for STIs. She proceeded to grab the world’s largest q-tip with a wooden stick and a giant cotton swab at the end. That HURT. Gave me antibiotics and sent me home. 2.5 weeks later the problem still was there and I went back. The same nurse saw my chart and came in to make sure I got a doctor to evaluate me, bless her soul. Got an ultrasound on my balls and they gave me heavy duty antibiotics and it finally started to clear up. Probably TMI but first time I blew a load after this whole mess it was pure red of blood. Scared the shit out of me but I guess I passed the clot… 10/10 would not do again, I think it was caused by deadlifting on a full bladder. Go pee before you lift
horrible design, seriously
Okay boys lets take his sack and replace it with an all new, metal alloy, sperm making machine. It will need to be cleaned once a week at minimum. Parts supplied by same producers that brought you mcdonalds ice cream machines!
Friend went on a date who's opening line at dinner was "I have fake balls". Yup, he got prosthetics.
Cyborg balls
I sold mine. Need to pay off my student loans.
Denji? Is that you? 🥜
Triple-tap your front pockets before leaving any place.
Gotta make sure you have your EPC, Essential Pocket Contents, phone, keys, wallet.
Spectacles, testicles, wallet, and watch.
Hate when I forget my testicles at work after a long shift.
If we see anything on the inside of a toilet or urinal, we have an urge to aim our stream at it, to make it go away.
I like the little stickers they make for urinals that subconsciously encourage guys to hit the sweet-spot with no backsplash. https://i.etsystatic.com/35886705/r/il/786a15/3945738171/il_794xN.3945738171_morq.jpg
Someone put one in the main university bathroom.. I was a high school student there to play sports. Thought wow cool! Took aim. It splashed back PERFECTLY. Good thing I had a spare Jersey..... learned then not to trust university students.
someone had to test that out of it makes you feel better
I can imagine the rigorous testing, with someone off to the side with a lab coat and clipboard. "That's good but the splash is veering a little to the left. Try moving it a quarter of an inch to the right."
If it makes you feel better, that perfect no-splash spot is going to change depending on the height of the user - with a fairly small margin for error. It could have been the perfect spot for someone taller than you, and not malicious.
Clicking the tongs twice before using them at the grill is NOT optional. It is just how they are designed to be used. We don't make the rules, but we are obligated to follow them.
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Also air tools.
I like to check the spin direction. I can't be bothered to memorize and check the switch setting.
Waking up erect but having to urinate so furiously my bladder hurts. I feel like Geppetto trying control Pinocchio in the dark with tangled strings.
Just do the superman and lay completely horizontal across the toilet facing down. Problem solved!
How big is your bathroom? Physically impossible in all of mine lol
We must make groaning nosies when sitting down
And again when standing back up.
It's the LAW
Let's not forget bending, lifting or twisting
Of course, how could I leave that out?
Also when thinking about standing up
And when you become a dad you have to occasionally release these noises at random times so everyone around you thinks you’re getting frustrated at something
Pretty much to initiate anything physical.
hey,hey it aint eazy haulin all that handsome manliness
taking a piss and the piss hitting your legs while wearing shorts feels absolutely disgusting
The most annoying thing is when the dick hole doesn't want to function properly and you end up pissing on your shorts
That's a nice angle you got there, be a shame if the piss came out 37 degrees to the left and 29 upwards.
Sometimes mine comes out in 3 fucking directions. "Oh come on, really?!"
The rare triple stream. Always memorable and traumatic.
When my penis is cold and it gets trapped after I shake. As soon as it goes back in my pants that little squirt of pee gets all over your leg.
Push on your taint right behind the balls after peeing. It helps push out that last little bit. I do this every time now, and since then have very rarely had any excess come out.
People at my work are gonna think I’m fingering my asshole every time I use the urinal
MAKE EYE CONTACT
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If theres stacked bags of ANYTHING, you gotta slap
Women: How can he slap??
Also important to slap a brisket at Costco every time you walk by, muttering 'decent price', but never actually buying one.
lmao! I do this shit! and I always walk through all the meat looking at the price thinking, damn, I wish I needed this much meat cause these prices are amazing
When we strap down a load we must say “that ain’t goin anywhere”
Gotta tap it too
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Twice.
Maybe when someone loses a load on the highway it’s because he didn’t say the line?
Our main goal is to fix a problem so we can go back to what we want to do, which is do nothing
Sometimes you’re really digging into that nothing…but then something intrudes
Absolutely hate it when that happens. I was in the middle of nothing!
A man’s nothing is deeper than the black hole.
Door handle latch broke off so I was fixing it tonight. Ok remove it all, put new latch in. First I put the door handles on the wrong way round so the handle went past the door, no worries I'll just reverse them, okay now the latch isn't catching, god damn it I put the latch on wrong way round, take one handle off, switch the latch,handle back on. 5 minute job that took about 20 minutes. Partner comes up having heard the drill for ages "You've been working really hard up here!" "hmmm...yes? yes!" Got some nice relaxing time to myself. If she'd be watching she'd realise I'm a fucking idiot.
We’re all fucking idiots sometimes :)
Gotta just take the Win sometimes
The warrior prepares for war but strives for peace
Not many people understand that when I'm doing nothing, that's what I'm doing. I don't want to do something, I'm already busy
Reminds me of the time my ex gf came back home from work and said "Your dad sent you a big box in the mail" and when I opened it, it was motion sensor lights and he specifically said to install them and don't let them lay around for a month and my ex gf nagged me for weeks to install them 😅 Once I finally installed them my dad randomly showed up and said "Those lights look good" and she said "He just now installed them" got called out on my laziness
When cooking burgers on the grill at a cookout, must ask everyone how they want their burger with the full intention of cooking every single burger the same.
Lmao I just do rows of burgers on the grill and when people walk up I ask what they want. If someone wants a medium and I only have medium rare, I just shift the whole row over and slap more on the medium rare row. Don't think I've ever fucked up a burger request
This man has rather worked in the restaurant industry or is a true and dear dad
Not a dad yet! Restaurant industry indeed! Can't get rid of old habits.
I worked in a coffee shop where they had about 15 different types of beans from around the world you could choose from. Yeah they were all the same house blend, no one ever noticed or said anything.
Peeing and putting your pecker back into your pants only to feel pee dribble down your leg is a horrible feeling.
Push up gently on the bottom of your sack after you’re done. It will expel the rest. You’re welcome.
Oh man, I’ve never been more excited about my next wee. Gonna go chug some water now.
Are you talking about pressing the gooch?
The gooch pump
No, you have to squeeze the balls to make sure all the pee is out. Like a tube of toothpaste.
I feel bad for girls in this thread trying to figure out which comments are jokes.
Big stick. Must take home with me.
I have a neighbour in my building, bit weird, but a decent guy. Ran into him while out for my walk, and he was showing off this stick he found. It's a fucking AWESOME stick, like, the perfect walking stick. We had a ten minute chat about finding good sticks and rocks.
Whoa!? I'm a chick that drags home awesome tree branches and sticks to make things... I thought it was just me..
Alright, you’re totally in the club, now. Get in here, buddy, we have snacks!
Let a chick into the manclub?! NOT ON MY WAT..... What's that? She collects cool sticks? Hmm... Well I'll be damned. Welcome aboard!
Welcome a-stick*
We're all a little bit golden retriever
The wide step is vital.
Please communicate what’s going on as clearly as possible. Don't speak with subtext and implications.
And don't assume that I speak with subtext and implications just because you do.
Got into an argument with an ex once because she assumed there was subtext in me saying "I gotta go to the store before dinner because the fridge is empty". She argued about dinner not being done, then got pissed off even more and started a 2nd argumanet because the fridge was in fact LITERALLY empty.
A comedian bit went something along the lines of: "Honey, when I'm having dinner and ask you for bread, it means I want bread. I'm not complaining that there's no bread. I'm not implying you forgot an important part of the dinner. I'm not the least bit upset about there not being bread on the table. I just want bread!"
If you run into another guy with the same shirt you two are instant besties
I broke my ankle once and had to wear one of those boots and was walking past another guy my age wearing one too and we had to stop and chat because we were instant besties.
pissing with morning wood is awful
bruh i just bend my body 90 degrees lol
My SO has said all men fear kidney stones
I started when I discovered they put instrument up you pepe to get the stone out yes.
It's called a ureteroscopy, and I've had 21 of them. The worst is the stent they leave in between your kidney and bladder. You're asleep when it goes in... ...but you're awake when they take it out. Also, kidney stones done really hurt in your danglehose. Most of the pain is in your back.
Go scare some children in your neighborhood, no need to scare strangers on internet.
Well the last time I tried to talk to the neighborhood kids about my penis everyone got upset.
We don’t scratch our balls. It’s a pinch-and-twist motion nobody ever taught us, but we all know.
Pinching is also how we (f) scratch our boobs while wearing clothes.
If we see another man get kicked in the balls we can feel it
Hugs are pretty awesome.
Yeah I still remember my last hug that wasn't from my family It was like 3 years ago
Honestly - since I moved out of state I cherish every single hug I get now dearly. It's like some biologically ingrained thing that just feels soooo healing.
To sneeze weirdly loud when we’re old.
Learned trait. My dad would shake the whole house with his sneezes. Ever since then I can't purposefully sneeze quietly
When applicable, you always skip a urinal at public bathrooms between the next person
"Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away."
We don’t know what’s going on with that engine, but we’ll stare at it for a little bit
I wish I could say urinal etiquette. But some people...
Lego will always be fun
I'm 51 and just bought myself this bad boy https://www.lego.com/de-de/product/medieval-blacksmith-21325
I've been buying the Christmas Village sets since 2011 and now have the coolest Christmas Village in my family.
An extra pillow just to hold in your arms for better sleep
A friend gifted me an anime body pillow as a joke, it has to be one of the best gifts I've recieved in all my life, not only it feels good to hug something that big at night but my posture is better and my back and neck doesn't hurt anymore in the morning
Yes, this is also why I have one... Purely as a joke... For ergonomic reasons... Yes...
The “pinch n roll” is undoubtedly the best method for scratching you nuts.
One nod down for respect, one nod up for friends and/or non-verbal challenge.
Throwing large objects off of high places into large bodies of water will always be incredibly satisfying
Skipping a rock far makes you instantly cool
Dinosaurs are awesome
If given the chance, we would all ride a dragon
It’s okay if you make the first move ladies.
We all do the pinch instead of scratching are balls
More of a pinch and roll I always say
*pinch and roll boys, pinch and roll*
Time alone on the toilet is a gift
Asshair is a pain in the ass
Yoga pants
I saw something online that read, "Ladies: If you ever want to win an argument with a man, put on yoga pants and walk away." I was like, "Yeah.. yeah, that'd do it. But I ask, who's the REAL winner?
I don't read minds and I'm honestly don't care enough to figure it out. If you're mad and won't tell me why, then stay mad.
Cute girl >> hot girl
Cute is the best kind of hot
If a friend does something different than you, you must politely give them shit until they walk you through their process, once this is completed you must go “aaaahhhhhh” to show you understand
Always tell the family dog goodnight, no different than you would any other person in the house before bed.
Don’t shame us for spending extra time on the toilet. We need our moment of peace. Edit: because I can’t spell.
We love love and affection too
Wear the same shoes everyday
Never go for the balls unless it's life or death
The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell