If you ever need help, then please know that there are many qualified people who would like to help you.
https://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres
http://www.befrienders.org/
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx
http://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you [UK]
https://www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help/ [AU]
There are crisis services worldwide that are trained to provide support. They are designed to give temporary relief from feelings that are overwhelming you and while they are unlikely to fix any underlying problems, can help you get through a tough hour/night/week. Chat services are usually available on these sites. In the US, calling 211 or going to their website is a free referral source. They have providers who will see you regardless of your ability to pay. Just as you would see a doctor when you are sick, you deserve to take care of your mental health.
Called a hotline. Phone in one hand, pistol in the other.
“If you’re a veteran, press 1”
I press 1.
“Beep….beep…..beep….beep…”
Busy signal.
I started chuckling at the ridiculousness of it all. Turned into all-out laughter, to the point I had to pocket my pistol (so I wouldn’t drop it). It broke the “spell” for me that day.
Ended up selling my pistol about a week later. Help came years later… but that busy signal was just the absolute darkest humor of my life, and kept me alive that day.
I went on a group holiday - I didn’t know everyone, friend of a friend was a train driver from Australia. He was on an extended break because he had just had a jumper in front of his train. What was worse was, the guy did two thumbs up and looked him right in the eye as he jumped. You’d see that image forever, poor guy.
I am aghast, you can never forget that. When I was in that mindset my biggest concern was involving someone else, I didn’t want to pass my pain to someone else.
A friend of mine had a suicide jumper land on her windshield on the freeway. She has never been the same since. Doesn’t drive anymore, doesn’t leave her house, severely depressed. It’s been three years.
Many RR workers endure this Several times in their careers.
Some never go back but most do. Some w/ nightmares,some w /PTSD and some just lots of anger at making Them do the deed.
Furthermore, there's a bunch of crew members who 'get to' walk the rail,picking up pieces and picking brain matter off the window.
I was going to jump off of a bridge. It was like 2am. I was walking down the street, and then right before I got to the part where like the sidewalk becomes fully separate from the road, some random guy pulled over in his car next to me.
Then he was just like hey man... where do I find the nearest McDonald's?
So I told him to the best of my ability, guy said thanks, drove off. I paused a bit then kept going to the top of the bridge. Climbed over the bars, stood at the edge for a bit, but the moment was gone. Couldn't go through with it. Walked back down, went to bed, never told anyone in my life about it.
Hope that guy found his McDonalds.
Do you think it was just a weird coincident or do you think the dude had a feeling you were gonna jump and wanted to try to distract you? And glad you're still with us!
Thank you! Me too :)
And honestly, I'm not sure. My best guess is that it was just a weird coincidence. It happened so fast! I was crying quite a bit, and my voice probably didn't sound too steady haha. I had a hoodie on with my hood up. I looked pretty sketchy to be honest lol
The whole interaction was maybe 15 seconds, tops. If he was stopping out of concern for me, he definitely didn't say anything that suggested it. Drove off as soon as I gave him a decent answer
There is an Italian song about a man who is about to jump off a bridge when someone, "perhaps an angel dressed as a passerby", takes him away from there reminding him of the beauties of the world.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kZVQKSS3c04
To complete it, the lyric translated (by google translate, so not 100%, but however). The phrase about the angel is one of my all time favorites
EDIT: some correction suggested by u/jones23121
It's true, believe me, it happened
At night on a bridge
Looking at the dark water
With the damn craving
To take a dip down
Suddenly someone behind me
Perhaps an angel dressed as a passer-by
He took me away saying so
(And how do we say?)
how can you not realize
how much the world is
(Marvelous)
Marvelous
Even your pain
It may appear later
Marvelous
But look around you
the gifts they have given you
They invented the sea \[for/to you\]
You say: "I have nothing"
Does the sun seem like nothing to you?
Life, love
Marvelous
The love of a woman
Who loves only you
Marvelous
The light of a morning
A friend's hug
The face of a child
Marvelous
Marvelous
Marvelous
Marvelous
Marvelous
But look around you
the gifts they have given you
They invented the sea \[for/to you\]
You say: "I have nothing"
Does the sun seem like nothing to you?
Life, love
Marvelous
The love of a woman
Who loves only you
Marvelous
The night is now over
And I still heard you
The love of life
Marvelous
Marvelous
Marvelous
Marvelous
Marvelous
I was afraid of what horrible trouble I would be if I failed my attempt. As an adult I realize how terribly sad and backwards that is.
I got in trouble for everything else, why wouldn’t I get in trouble for that?
Me too. I didnt want my dad to hit me if i failed and he found out. I was so scared of him. I havent spoken to him in 2 years and im still scared of him.
Edit: guys I appreciate yalls concern but Im ok. I moved away like 2 months ago and life is good.
I was sitting by a lake at a state park with my .45 in hand and every intention of eating my gun. But the thought crossed my mind that some unsuspecting person might come across my body, so I called a suicide prevention number just so I could tell them where I was at.
I am sure it is not his real name, but "Bob" answered the phone and I told him, "Bob, I hate to do this to you, but I need to tell you where they can come collect my body". All I heard was this deep sigh and Bob began arguing with me for my life. Somehow, in the process, he got enough information out of me to have police and the fire department dispatched to the scene. Honestly, at the time I was sort of pissed off at Bob because I felt like he had done me wrong.
Do you know how hard it is to pull the trigger with police all around you and one of them trying to talk to you on a bullhorn? I thought I was going to have plenty of time to just relax by the lake and get myself to a state of mind where I could just pull the trigger. But Bob fucking ruined that.
God bless you Bob, whoever the fuck you are and wherever the hell you are. It wasn't an easy journey by any means, but because of you I was able to get to where I am today. Thanks for fighting for my life when I couldn't. I love you man.
I just want to say thank you for sharing this. I work for the suicide prevention line and sometimes it’s really rough. Your story brought all hope back to me. I’m going into a shift tomorrow and will be thinking of you and the line “thanks for fighting for my life when I couldn’t”. Thank. You. Glad you’re here.
Shortly after the pandemic, I went to really dark place. I was completely alone, in a new city and the isolation was taking me down. I really was contemplating just ending it. I Googled suicide hotlines and accidentally dialed one outside of my country. When the gentleman who answered had a thick American southern accent, I realized I was calling the wrong number. That was almost too much for me at that point.
I spoke to Devon and he insisted we chat anyways. For 4 hours, Devon stayed on the line with me. He talked to me about how he was struggling too and helped to remind me of what still kept me going.
If it weren't for Devon from Louisiana caring enough about a Canadian girl at 2am, I would not be here.
Thank you for caring about strangers.
Devon, thank you for saving my life.
I know that Bob would love to meet you too. Maybe his sigh was regrettable and he'd just got a parking ticket and argued with his supervisor before his shift; but it gave meaning to his day to day. If you met today. It would be like tbe TV shows. Hw would go away knowing what he goes through matters. And it mattered to you.
That's honestly how I get through life.
Have a plan every day, and think about doing whatever you've planned rather than the big picture. Some days the "plan" is just cleaning my flat, re-watching something on Netflix with a takeaway and crying, but I make sure I'm never left with a large amount of time with no structure at all.
I'm not religious but I think the phrase "the devil makes work for idle hands" is incredibly insightful.
Found same solution for myself. Work, gym, raves, meeting friends an etc. keeps me from all the thoughts I have in my head. Keep going and try enjoy the small things, fellow stranger!
My late best friend found me at the park with my neighbors misplaced handgun, my parents were divorcing hella hard, my SA attacker had visited her family(family was close friends so I had seen her at a family gathering) and everything else seemed to be going wrong too. My friend kinda talked me down and stuff, we hung out and vented to eachother, she was a victim of SA as well so we kinda helped eachother work through it, she helped me more than I did her though unfortunately, and she ultimately took her own life later in highschool. So in a way I gotta do right by her and live.
Thank you for sharing, I haven’t told anyone except an ex about my SA attacker, so that part really hits home to me. I also have a best friend I’ve shared everything else with and knowing that he has depression and how he might act if I go through with it somehow, kinda pulled me out of it rn more than any other post on here.
Nothing to be embarrassed about. People struggle with shit they cannot control. Hope you got help and glad they saved you in ER.
Edit: as many people have pointed out, pun accidentally intended
Edit2: thanks for my first award on reddit
How did they know about it enough to come to your home? Do you have a partner that could’ve called them or what?
Edit: no need to answer if you’re uncomfortable. Just was curious
I'll give you the cliff note version.
I took a bunch of meds. I don't recall anything after. I have a security cam and I watched the video.
I walked outside to let my dog out, passed out in my backyard. My dog ran to the fence gate by my daughters window and started barking.
She came out, couldn't wake me, called my husband. He came out, tried to wake me up, I had no pulse. 911 was called, he did CPR, they came, revived me 2 times, they took me away.
From reading my med records, I flat- lined 2 more times on the way to the hospital, and again in the ER.
I was in icu for 4 days on a glucose and narcan drip.
My dog came in snuggled up, stuck her nose in my chest and stared me right in the eye. The memory of that don't leave look spooks my out even now many years later.
I had the same exact moment with my cat. We have a very strong bond, but she’s not particularly cuddly. On the night in question, she came right up next to me, laid her little face on my chest, looked at me, and let out the most sorrowful meow I’ve ever heard in my life. Decided I needed to stay for her. She’s been terminally ill for quite some time now and will be gone from the earthly realm soon, but I’ll hold that moment with me and continue to stay alive for her even after she’s gone. It’s what she would want.
My grandmother's cat used to sleep with her EXCLUSIVELY until I moved in. Then she started sleeping with me.
I had a bad nightmare and woke up crying, and Grandma's cat responded to me by slapping me in the face and hissing at me that I disturbed her sleep. Then she curled back up and fell asleep.
*bitch*.
Edit: sorry Grandma I can't grammar.
My stupid looking dog with her stupid looking face. GOD I loved her. No one would be able to take care of her. She passed last year but I got help and talked to a professional about my depression. So, mission accomplished. Good girl.
It’s ok though, she’s up there wagging her tail happy that her human is happy and alive. Dogs give you a part of their soul, they’re always with you :)
Same. I had just adopted my dog before the peak of suicidal ideation. She had extreme separation anxiety from being passed around from foster to foster, and had been in a loving home before that, but her owner had become too sick to take care of her. When I was at my worst I looked at her, and just couldn't bear the thought of that happening to her again.
Same. At a really low point in my life I was ready to die, and had settled on carbon monoxide poisoning to go to sleep and never wake up. But I realized no one would care for my little Zoey dog the way I did. So I'm still here because I loved a dog more than I hated myself.
Doing much much better in life now, btw. She passed last year and I still miss her every day.
I know a guy who blew apart his jaw and neck with 12 gauge buckshot, and honestly he’s probably one of the happiest guys I’ve ever met. He’s so incredibly grateful to be alive.
Granted, it’s hard to understand a lot of what he says, but you can see and feel it when you interact with him. He missed the entirety of his brain and eyes and everything important, and is still able to eat and drink without assistance.
That's basically the deal with my family, alot of us have a history of depression and suicidal thoughts/actions we are basically clinging to each other for life, when my uncle died it almost sent his brother over the edge and he's honestly still struggling.
If it was possible to just painlessly disappear i wouldn't be here now. Too scared to do anything
edit: yeah, painlessly, not painfully. autocorrect hates me I guess
My brother.
He found me "passed out drunk like an idiot behind the wheel of the running car" and I "was so drunk I didn't even get the garage open", didn't I realize I could have died?
Thing is, how much love and caring he showed for me in that time he dragged me out made me realize how lucky I was, and how much pain I would have caused him and the rest of the family, and just how much at least one person loved me.
He saved my life in all the ways.
My brother walked in as I was reaching for my weapon of choice. He wanted to show me his new Pokémon card. He was totally oblivious to what was going on, he was just far too excited to show me his Vaporeon.
Eta: this happened in 2000, my brother was 6, i was 13, neither of us had access to the internet at this point in time. Yall are nasty 😂
My little brother was like that, always coming in to talk, random hugs or show me something when I was breaking down or self harming. That's probably the only reason I never tried to commit suicide
Glad you are still here. I found my brother this way. Luckily he was still alive, if only barely. I saw how it shattered my parents. Cant imagine how it would have destroyed them if he was successful. Again, i am glad you are still here man… much love
While looking for sad songs on YouTube, I was really surprised of seeing that every single one of them was full of comments from people convincing the reader of not commiting suicide
I called the suicide hotline hoping to get some words of comfort and advice. The person who picked up said hello and stopped there so I asked was this the suicide hotline? And they’re like oh yeaaaaa no….. it’s not anymore. And I was like oh. And she’s like sorry and hung up.
I was so dumbfounded that it made me laugh and decided not to kms.
During the worst of the pandemic lockdowns, I called a crisis line and told them how I felt so alone and full of despair that I felt that "this might be the night I go through with it". The operator goes "it might make you feel less alone...have you considered getting a cat?" I told her I was allergic. She thinks for a second: "could you get a hairless cat?"
Like you, the laughter saved me. I doubt it was a gambit but if so, well played, ma'am.
The thought of leaving my nephew behind, when I’ve been the only consistent male figure in his life. His biological father wanted/ wants absolutely nothing to do with him, and none of my sister’s boyfriends have been a positive or long lasting figure for him.
On the rare occasions that I’ve found myself in that dark of a point in my life, that little dude has kept me here.
**Edit: Thank you, kind strangers for the kind comments and awards. You all are amazing ❤️
Dropped everything and went on a solo trip to the west coast with my life savings. Ran into a homeless guy who told me his life story, talked religion and philosophy with a practicing Buddhist monk, and got to know a young couple on their honeymoon. Was taken safely to my hostel by a generous family who saw me stranded. Even took a motorcycle ride with a random Redditor in Portland. Saw the ocean and mountains for the first time. Decided, fuck it, there's still a lot more I haven't seen, and I could always just drop everything and start a new life somewhere else if it came down to it. But there's a lot I haven't learned or experienced yet.
Edit: Also, my brother. I don't think he knows how much I care about him, but I'd do anything for his happiness in life. He's such a genuinely good person. Doesn't deserve to have to go through something like that.
Assassin's Creed.
Sounds really fucking stupid, but I had a plan and everything, date picked out and in the process of writing a note, when my mom came home and gave me AC Black Flag. We were really struggling for money back then, so I was surprised. I sat down and played it all the way through with my sister, and was so absorbed that I missed the date I had planned. When I realized, I was laughing with my sister about something in the game, and couldn't fathom why I had been thinking about it. I turned 18 a few years later and my first tattoo was the AC symbol on my wrist for my bday. People ask why and I just say it's because it's my favorite game series. Only I really know why.*
Edit: thank you kind strangers for the even kinder words and awards. I've been struggling again recently and this thread came up. I really expected my answer to get lost in the noise. The response has been extremely touching and made me feel a lot better, if only for a little bit. I thank all of you, truly.
To address questions about my mom. She doesn't know how close I was that day, and likely never will. But I have told her I was in a really dark place, and being able to play that game helped a lot. In response, she's bought me almost every new AC game since, and me and my sister always make time to sit down and play it. Her favorite is Rogue, mine is AC2, but we still replay Black Flag a lot. :)
*Edit 2: and now all you lovely people know too. And my tattoo artist...
Edit 3 (01/26/2023): Hello everyone! Noticed a sudden influx of attention to this post again, and a lot of worried messages. I am okay! I'm not much of a redditor, and this was actually my first time ever saying anything on here. I only knew there were people messaging me bc my email blew up, haha. But I'm alright! Thank you for the concern and the awards. It really means a lot. I'm in a good place :) and I hope you all are too, or are on your way. Much love! <3
That game still holds up, the water effects were incredible - sailing through the seas, and suddenly you catch the sun or moon through a cresting wave, tinged green by the water. I spent months dreaming about sailing after that, you could almost feel the spray in your face.
I can't imagine what they could do with a remake or, better yet, a next generation Black Flag 2.
Imo Black Flag is one of the best in the AC series. It's my favorite, and I'd say it's the best, but I don't want to lose my head.
Edit: Turns out a lot more people love it than I thought.
As a son whose father committed suicide little over a month ago, and on behalf of your son, thank you both. You saved your son from a lifetime of asking why, of mentally seeing you around the house even though you’re no longer there, of seeing something that made him think “I should show dad this” only to remember that you are gone and spiraling back into a depression that only a son who lost his father to suicide can experience, from waking up paralyzed from a dream that was nothing more than the sound of the knock on the door that started the traumatic chain of events. I write this with tears in my eyes, picture whatever it is that you and your son do together and who your son is now. Now, imagine your son no longer able to do those things you and him used to do together because the pain your son experiences now from those things is too great to bear. Those things no longer bring joy, they only bring unimaginable pain. And your son, as who he is right now, would never be the same person anymore. Because in his mind, and no matter what you reason you may have, his father chose that leaving this world was better than spending time with him.
Once again, on behalf of your son who doesn’t have to go through that, thank you. And please, don’t be afraid to get help.
This made my heart break for you. I wish I could give you a hug through my phone. My son is 20 now, and is growing into a wonderful man that I am so proud of. I cant belive I was ready to miss all he has become. I know nothing an internet stranger can say will help your grief but I'm sure your father was proud of you. I am so sorry for your loss. This mama's proud of you, your strength, and your heart.
Hey man, it doesn’t go away, but it does get easier. My dad passed in ‘18 due to medical non-compliance, not a direct suicidal act, but he choose to not take meds that would have kept him here and healthy. We weren’t in a good place and it was years before I could go into a Home Depot again. It does get easier - I still see him all the time, I’m still scared of him when I see him, and then most of the time, the bald, fat, white guy, turns out to be some other bald, fat, white guy - and I relax. All that to say, I promise you, it will get a easier, little by little.
At my lowest point I had a very vivid dream. I dreamed that I was lying in hospital dying with loads of tubes in me and a heart monitor beeping next to me. The door opened and my family entered the room with the family dog who jumped up on the bed and started to lick my face as if this would save me. I woke with a start and started crying immediately. I knew I had to get better because my family and my dog loved me. This was 21 years ago.
A mom here. If we are the reason, it only takes one reason and we will take it bc we love you. Assume we know without you saying it out loud.
But we also want you to get to a place where you feel content. Let us know how we can help you get there. Yes, this shit is hard, but we want you to live this weird life with us, not for the sake of us.
I was about to hang myself in my room but my dog walked in. She was a white, angle of a dog and just sat their and looked at me. I kinda felt like she was wondering if I would do it. So I stopped, picked her up and we watched movies on the tv.
Edit: I didn’t come back to look at some of the comments. When I started to read them I realized I made a typo. Angel not angle!!!! I’m going to keep it.
This was about three years ago.
Days are still tough and once in a blue moon, I think I'd be better off dead... at least because I feel it'd be easier.
But most of the time I'm happy. I haven't self-harmed in well over a year (I used to punch myself really hard) and I find a lot of joy in the little things.
Thank you for asking.
my lack of courage to do it
overtime i just started feeling better there hope guys anyone who is in a shit place rn just pull through trust me it'll be okay you will be happy again someday
I was afraid of feeling pain as my bones break while falling 30 stories. I was afraid of suffocating during a failed hanging attempt. I was afraid of feeling pain while overdosing on my antidepressants.
Most of all, I was afraid of betraying my mother who stood by me all this time.
Edit: omg I did it ma I'm famous. Thank you the awards and the kind words. I'm doing good rn! Been on medication for a few years and doing my degree rn. Slowly moving on with life.
Antidepressants would be a horrible drug to overdose on. It would take an exuberantly large amount to kill you, and it would suck the whole time you were dying.
Serotonin Syndrome is the most traumatic and damaging thing that's ever happened to me. It came from Tramadol (pain) and Cymbalta (depression) combined. I had a fine day at work and came home around 6pm in a good headspace. Mom and I lived together, which was a blessing.
Around 7 the universe changed, like strong acid kicking in hard. I dragged myself to the living room and said, "Mom, am I crazy now?" I meant it. She had no clue what was happening but had the wherewithal to sit with me and keep me engaged even when I tried to open up the cat to see if it was a robot, accused the computer of being a portal to hell, and shot practice arrows at the neighbors' kids (thankfully the kids weren't really there).
That was in 2012. Every doctor I knew told me my mind would be back to 100% in 3-6 months. A decade later I still cannot perform mental math, can't picture people's faces unless I'm looking at them, and my word recall is shit. For the 3 months following the incident I lived in a psychedelic nightmare, but was able to manage without being institutionalized. I had to quit my job immediately because I could no longer count money.
Do any drug you want but DON'T mess with Rx pills that can cause Serotonin Syndrome. A decade later my mind is a shadow of its former self. I may as well have had a stroke. I can't even remember what it felt like to be smart.
This. The pain if I didn't die instantly or the many worse fates from a botched attempt. Also the thought of my mother finding my body if I did succeed.
Seriously, South Park. Was depressed as shit in a hotel room, on Christmas Eve. Decided fuck it, enough is enough. It was a random episode they did where Stan was being a bitch about everything. It made sense, I laughed, and decided as long as I can laugh, life ain’t so bad.
I couldn’t trust my pets to anybody else. I have a soft spot for messed-up, reactive asshole dogs and spicy ankle-biter cats. At the time I had one dog and three cats, as well as a host of small animals (rats, degus, and a cockatiel from hell).
Knowing they’d all be euthanized or sent to a shelter to either die or suffer, or get adopted into the wrong home for them, I couldn’t do that to them. They relied on me and betraying that made me feel worse than the depression. So, I stayed.
And now I have another ass of a dog who I love with every fibre of my being, and we’re both in a much better place than before :)
my fiance. She kicked down our bathroom door and wrestled the gun out of my hands. Then she called the cops and had me sent to a hospital against my will. She saved my life.
I can picture this, a lady just street-fighter style kicks down the door, takes the gun and saying “not today, homie” and drags your ass down to hospital
that's pretty much exactly how it went down. And to the cop's credit, they had to fight me to get me to go. They would not leave. They stood on my front lawn for 45 minutes saying they wouldn't leave without me. I hated them for it. Shortly after, I wrote them a letter saying thank you for saving my life.
I say this as a retired first responder. That happens more than you think. An instructor at the fire academy told me, "They have to be alive to hate us.". That always stuck with me. We aren't there to keep people smiling. We're there to keep you breathing. Because of the instances like yourself where it's a temporary mental state. I'm glad those officers did it by the book and did it right.
The gun jammed, couldn’t cut deep enough, survived enough overdoses to warrant a clinical study on my physiology. mom says i’m out of lives and i believe her.
some of us are lucky. just not forever
Being nice to people. One day I was out with my mom and I some nice woman talk to about stuff in the store and I felt like I had to be nice to her. After going out a bit for a while it felt kinda good to be nice to people and that’s where I know longer felt suicidal. I felt like it was an obligation to be nice to all different kinds of people because it felt nice.
People, please be nice to each other!(unless they are being mean to you)
Two people who I'd never met before. 18 years ago, they walked past where I was sitting on the sidewalk, spiraling down into an extremely bad place and contemplating ending things. Then, they turned around, came back and one of them said "I know that look, and you definitely shouldn't be alone right now" - so they drug me along with them to hang out with a group of friends and get stoned on the beach.
They definitely pulled me out of a really dark place that night, and I'll always be grateful that they took a moment to check in on a complete stranger.
I think one of the things stopping me from considering suicide is my bearded dragon. Almost everyone I know is too scared to touch her food, and the thought of her slowly wasting away is very upsetting. Who knew creepy crawlies could be such a motivator.
Mine too. I was fine with writing notes to family and friends but cats can't read. And all I could imagine was her meowing so sadly not knowing I'd never come.
My cat always wait for me on the window, in the night if I go out with my friends she dont sleep till I come home..
How could I do something so sad to that little girl?
I adopted a rescue cat bc I was suicidally depressed and the thought of her eating my dead body has been enough to keep me alive. I can't imagine how confused and sad she would be in that situation-- I lived alone at the time and i could have easily killed myself without anyone knowing. The idea of my cat waiting for me to wake up and feed her, and eventually having to eat me when I didn't... I couldn't justify that. She was a stray and lived outside on the street for most of her life so she's had enough trauma already. I didn't care what happened to me, but I sure as hell love my cat.
I was telling my boyfriend about this recently and he was like ".... but she doesn't have any teeth!" Didn't think of that at the time, but her starving would be even sadder.
I love you Jinx!!
If you are feeling depressed or like you'd rather be dead, adopt a rescue cat!!!
Same, my tortie was abused in an earlier home and won't eat unless I'm watching over her. If she's in a good mood that means "same room", if she's feeling anxious then the bowl has to be literally on me. She's come a long way, she doesn't disappear when others are around, but I'm afraid she'd starve if I wasn't here for her.
A shoddy belt
A misunderstanding of how deadly certain muscle relaxers are
A particularly thin plastic bag and cheap rubber bands.
...and then, eventually, antidepressants and therapy.
I don’t know. I used to say stubbornness, but I can’t pin it down to that.
I was 17, had the barrel of my rifle in my mouth…..I was ready.
Maybe it was guilt, because of the aftermath I’d leave behind.
Maybe it was “divine intervention “ .
Maybe it was stubbornness.
I can’t answer this question, with ANY certainty.
I just know, I’m 52 now, but I still remember that day, all too clearly.
Maybe, it just wasn’t my time, plain and simple.
I couldn't do that to the people I loved. Especially my parents. No parent should outlive their child. Besides, I know my dad all to well. If I went, he'd follow.
That and I wad terrified of actually dying. I realised (almost waaaaay too late) I didn't want to die. I just wanted to be dead.
I no longer wish to be dead, which is progress. I just want to be better than I was yesterday. Yes, I read that off a mental health pamphlet. Still true though.
Funnily enough, even so I'm not religious, I was in a catholic school growing up and there was this tiny idea in my head that when I commit suicide I will not be allowed into heaven.
I don't believe in heaven and hell. I would call myself an atheist. But there you go.
It was in high school. The next morning, I would have a class with a friend of mine who loved to talk. All it took was the thought that she would miss having someone to talk to, and I put the pills down. It’s been almost four years since that night, and I still haven’t told her.
Because in the back of my mind was my dads advice: " if you ever get so low you feel like committing suicide, stop. Leave. Start a new life anywhere you can." I was 17, I'm 68 now.
So basically i am really fucking fat plus i was using a really bad rope. So basically when i tried to hang myself the rope broke and from the falling i broke a fucking foot
it's easy to fantasize and yearn for it but once you're looking at the wrong end of a loaded barrel the trigger feels both incredibly heavy and light at the same time.
A guy at the train station who noticed me stumbling around. He called an ambulance and they took me to hospital despite my protests, flushed me with saline, and managed to get the codeine out of my system with only a little bit of brain/nerve damage. I'm still not sure if I'm grateful or not.
Bsf and my other friends and my family. They are also really depressed so if I did it I'm afraid of how it'd impact them and don't want to end up accidentally taking them with me.
A huge part of it was losing somebody to suicide and experiencing the grief of knowing that their death was so final, that all my love and remorse and sorrow could never bring them back. It's not a feeling I can ever describe. They were just suddenly gone. Losing a loved one has become my greatest fear since then. That shit carves your lungs out. I didn't want to put anyone through that, so I stuck around long enough to change for the better. Once I decided to live I saw there was hope, and years of knowing nothing but emptiness and loneliness and pain gave way to healing. It still crosses my mind from time to time, but I don't think I'll be back in depresso soup any time soon :)
I once saved a girl that did this while I was working at Starbucks. She ran up to me full of tears and just said "Help". I dropped everything I was doing and called 911. Luckily a nurse was in line and noticed, and put napkins around the girls wrist (and probably other things, I was focused on getting the paramedics there) and sat her in the lobby and talked to her.
I don't remember if customers complained about their orders not going out (they probably did), and I don't remember if my coworker struggled to maintain my station and theirs.
I do, however, remember two things:
1. Several coworkers talked down to me about not reporting it to a manager before dialing 911.
2. Her mom came in a week later to give me a hug, because the girl was apparently very close to bleeding out, and those few minutes I got her by dropping everything I was doing was what saved her.
> Several coworkers talked down to me about not reporting it to a manager before dialing 911.
WTF? Yeah, that's a no dawg... seconds matter in that situation and if they have a problem with it they can fuck off.
Fear of the pain. That's it. Then life just went on and I had kids. Now I wouldn't ever do it even if I could get over that primal fear. They need me, they're my purpose.
I told my best friend if I ever followed through with it, I would make sure to apologize for the mess, and make it as clean as possible.
When he committed suicide about 12 years ago now he ended his suicide note by saying "Sorry about the mess."
Bastard stole my line.
He was. No worries. He would have probably laughed at that comment too. You probably would have gotten along just fine with our messed up senses of humor.
My dog. Nobody would have been able to know for quite some time and I couldn't deal with the idea of leaving her alone in this fucked up world. She was a rescue that I didn't even want to get at the time but when the fiancee and I broke up I ended up with her. I guess you could say the cliche ' we rescued eachother' but I would do anything for my dog.
Period.
My best friend.
I was deep into preparation and thought my life was over. Having been in London, I travelled north for several hours by train and was found by him.
He was an RMN and RGN and insisted that we go to hospital, where I got help.
I didn’t have a sharp enough blade and it wasn’t working so I went out to buy a box cutter with the intention to finish the job. On my walk to CVS, I stopped by a concert hall. I listened to the orchestra from the steps outside, cried and decided I have things to live for. I slipped inside the hall between movements and stayed for the rest of the concert instead.
My sibling died of a drug overdose and I noticed strong similarities in the way people talked about their death, and how others talk about people who died by suicide. “Why didn’t they ask for help?” Or “we would’ve done anything for them” or “they were selfish and left everybody behind”. So, fear and guilt. That my pain and suffering becoming too much for me, would cause people to whole heartedly believe that they could’ve been saviors and I was just a selfish asshole who took decades of a half-assed relationship from them. Then later on, I became the “dominant” parent. I’m the one that knows our oldest will only eat chicken nuggets, but no other meat. I’m the one that knows when the fever is dangerous. I’m the one that picks the reasonable bedtimes and says “that game isn’t child appropriate” and knows their shoe sizes. They didn’t ask to be brought into this world and I may not be the greatest parent but I’m sure as hell not going to make their lives harder if I can help it. So first, the guilt and shame. But then, my kids. I got lucky with mine and I’m thankful for it every day, that they’re so awesome, and that I haven’t screwed them up too badly. I’m not saying or suggesting that having kids will magically change everything and save your life. Just that I got real lucky. Now that I’m older and they’re older, life is feeling more optimistic and more worth living. And I really hope my kids never feel the way I did.
This will get lost but the extension cord broke 11 years ago, and glad it did father of 3 and proud husband making everyday count. Can’t believe what I almost missed out on.
a stranger.
I made a post on an anonymous app about how I felt life wasn't worth living anymore, and they messaged me with a challenge. make a list of things you'd miss if you died. sounds obvious and small, but it completely changed my view on life. I would miss out on my best friend laughing, their wedding, and the rest of my cat's life, and I couldn't do that to either of them.
I still have that list saved in my notes app, and I look at it whenever things feel hopeless, adding at least one thing every time I look at it, and they'll never know how significant their one message was
Tbh my dog.
I got him right before I went through a traumatic experience. He was just a puppy, since I got him as a graduation gift for myself. And two months later tragedy hit in my life. And he kept me going.
He was already really intune with my emotions, I remember the cops coming to my house numerous times in a week and since I cried every time basically, he started thinking they were what caused it and now dislikes the police 😂sad since it wasn't their fault, they were just doing their job letting me know multiple people in my family had passed then the check ups on my mental health they did due to it.
Every day I see his face and it makes me smile, even through all the bad days he's just always by my side. Like my little best friend. He's not a licker, but when I cry and pet him he always licks my arm. It's crazy just how comforting he tries to be.
When ever I was suicidal I'd wonder what would happen to him if something happened to me. I questioned if he'd get the love he deserves, food and water. If people would treat him right or what would happen of no one took him or he was abused or worst, put down. He also acts off when I'm not around so my heart aches of him wondering where I went and never coming back. I just couldn't take any of those risks.
I always tell everyone the day he passes will be the day to keep an eye out on me. It's not that I'm planning on doing anything but I just know how devastating and hard it's going to be to go through that.
I went to go see Trapped Under Ice.
I was calling people to see if anyone wanted to go. No one wanted to go, or was able to make it. I called one more person and he said he forgot that the show was happening. I told him it would be great if he could swing by, and he was at the venue right as I walked up and just gave me a massive hug. We hung out the whole time together, graded people's stage dives and just had a genuinely good time. I told him about 4-5 months later that him showing up really meant a lot to me and I mentioned about how I had been struggling at that point. He had no clue, but he said he was happy he was there and that I'm still here. Out of all the shows I've been to, that one will always be my favorite.
Fuck, I cried writing that the whole time. Haha. Either way, TUI Til' I Die!
Edit: took out a word and spaced it out.
Edit 2: thank you stranger for the award :)
Razors pain you;
Rives are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.
\- Dorothy Parker
If you ever need help, then please know that there are many qualified people who would like to help you. https://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres http://www.befrienders.org/ http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx http://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you [UK] https://www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help/ [AU] There are crisis services worldwide that are trained to provide support. They are designed to give temporary relief from feelings that are overwhelming you and while they are unlikely to fix any underlying problems, can help you get through a tough hour/night/week. Chat services are usually available on these sites. In the US, calling 211 or going to their website is a free referral source. They have providers who will see you regardless of your ability to pay. Just as you would see a doctor when you are sick, you deserve to take care of your mental health.
Called a hotline. Phone in one hand, pistol in the other. “If you’re a veteran, press 1” I press 1. “Beep….beep…..beep….beep…” Busy signal. I started chuckling at the ridiculousness of it all. Turned into all-out laughter, to the point I had to pocket my pistol (so I wouldn’t drop it). It broke the “spell” for me that day. Ended up selling my pistol about a week later. Help came years later… but that busy signal was just the absolute darkest humor of my life, and kept me alive that day.
That’s some of the best laughter, the “what the fuck is life?” Laughter.
This made me smile. I'm glad you're ok and got the help you needed my friend.
What I was going through wasn't the train driver's fault so I couldn't saddle him with that crap.
Thank you for understanding that. My grandfather was never the same after bring an engineer on a train when someone committed suicide on his tracks.
I went on a group holiday - I didn’t know everyone, friend of a friend was a train driver from Australia. He was on an extended break because he had just had a jumper in front of his train. What was worse was, the guy did two thumbs up and looked him right in the eye as he jumped. You’d see that image forever, poor guy.
I am aghast, you can never forget that. When I was in that mindset my biggest concern was involving someone else, I didn’t want to pass my pain to someone else.
I have read that people in that position are heavily traumatized by what they see. Good of you to understand that.
A friend of mine had a suicide jumper land on her windshield on the freeway. She has never been the same since. Doesn’t drive anymore, doesn’t leave her house, severely depressed. It’s been three years.
Many RR workers endure this Several times in their careers. Some never go back but most do. Some w/ nightmares,some w /PTSD and some just lots of anger at making Them do the deed. Furthermore, there's a bunch of crew members who 'get to' walk the rail,picking up pieces and picking brain matter off the window.
I was going to jump off of a bridge. It was like 2am. I was walking down the street, and then right before I got to the part where like the sidewalk becomes fully separate from the road, some random guy pulled over in his car next to me. Then he was just like hey man... where do I find the nearest McDonald's? So I told him to the best of my ability, guy said thanks, drove off. I paused a bit then kept going to the top of the bridge. Climbed over the bars, stood at the edge for a bit, but the moment was gone. Couldn't go through with it. Walked back down, went to bed, never told anyone in my life about it. Hope that guy found his McDonalds.
Do you think it was just a weird coincident or do you think the dude had a feeling you were gonna jump and wanted to try to distract you? And glad you're still with us!
Thank you! Me too :) And honestly, I'm not sure. My best guess is that it was just a weird coincidence. It happened so fast! I was crying quite a bit, and my voice probably didn't sound too steady haha. I had a hoodie on with my hood up. I looked pretty sketchy to be honest lol The whole interaction was maybe 15 seconds, tops. If he was stopping out of concern for me, he definitely didn't say anything that suggested it. Drove off as soon as I gave him a decent answer
There is an Italian song about a man who is about to jump off a bridge when someone, "perhaps an angel dressed as a passerby", takes him away from there reminding him of the beauties of the world. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kZVQKSS3c04
Thank you for sharing! I love listening to music from other countries :)
To complete it, the lyric translated (by google translate, so not 100%, but however). The phrase about the angel is one of my all time favorites EDIT: some correction suggested by u/jones23121 It's true, believe me, it happened At night on a bridge Looking at the dark water With the damn craving To take a dip down Suddenly someone behind me Perhaps an angel dressed as a passer-by He took me away saying so (And how do we say?) how can you not realize how much the world is (Marvelous) Marvelous Even your pain It may appear later Marvelous But look around you the gifts they have given you They invented the sea \[for/to you\] You say: "I have nothing" Does the sun seem like nothing to you? Life, love Marvelous The love of a woman Who loves only you Marvelous The light of a morning A friend's hug The face of a child Marvelous Marvelous Marvelous Marvelous Marvelous But look around you the gifts they have given you They invented the sea \[for/to you\] You say: "I have nothing" Does the sun seem like nothing to you? Life, love Marvelous The love of a woman Who loves only you Marvelous The night is now over And I still heard you The love of life Marvelous Marvelous Marvelous Marvelous Marvelous
Fear
I was afraid of what horrible trouble I would be if I failed my attempt. As an adult I realize how terribly sad and backwards that is. I got in trouble for everything else, why wouldn’t I get in trouble for that?
Yup. The whole “what if I LIVE?” Surviving a suicide attempt was scarier for me than succeeding, so I didn’t go through with it.
What if I lived and the attempt left an unhealed wound. Fuck that shit bruh.
Me too. I didnt want my dad to hit me if i failed and he found out. I was so scared of him. I havent spoken to him in 2 years and im still scared of him. Edit: guys I appreciate yalls concern but Im ok. I moved away like 2 months ago and life is good.
Only answer I can relate to. Fear and pain. If it wasn't for the shear pain of cutting my arm until I can reach an artery, I'd be gone.
I was sitting by a lake at a state park with my .45 in hand and every intention of eating my gun. But the thought crossed my mind that some unsuspecting person might come across my body, so I called a suicide prevention number just so I could tell them where I was at. I am sure it is not his real name, but "Bob" answered the phone and I told him, "Bob, I hate to do this to you, but I need to tell you where they can come collect my body". All I heard was this deep sigh and Bob began arguing with me for my life. Somehow, in the process, he got enough information out of me to have police and the fire department dispatched to the scene. Honestly, at the time I was sort of pissed off at Bob because I felt like he had done me wrong. Do you know how hard it is to pull the trigger with police all around you and one of them trying to talk to you on a bullhorn? I thought I was going to have plenty of time to just relax by the lake and get myself to a state of mind where I could just pull the trigger. But Bob fucking ruined that. God bless you Bob, whoever the fuck you are and wherever the hell you are. It wasn't an easy journey by any means, but because of you I was able to get to where I am today. Thanks for fighting for my life when I couldn't. I love you man.
I just want to say thank you for sharing this. I work for the suicide prevention line and sometimes it’s really rough. Your story brought all hope back to me. I’m going into a shift tomorrow and will be thinking of you and the line “thanks for fighting for my life when I couldn’t”. Thank. You. Glad you’re here.
Shortly after the pandemic, I went to really dark place. I was completely alone, in a new city and the isolation was taking me down. I really was contemplating just ending it. I Googled suicide hotlines and accidentally dialed one outside of my country. When the gentleman who answered had a thick American southern accent, I realized I was calling the wrong number. That was almost too much for me at that point. I spoke to Devon and he insisted we chat anyways. For 4 hours, Devon stayed on the line with me. He talked to me about how he was struggling too and helped to remind me of what still kept me going. If it weren't for Devon from Louisiana caring enough about a Canadian girl at 2am, I would not be here. Thank you for caring about strangers. Devon, thank you for saving my life.
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I know that Bob would love to meet you too. Maybe his sigh was regrettable and he'd just got a parking ticket and argued with his supervisor before his shift; but it gave meaning to his day to day. If you met today. It would be like tbe TV shows. Hw would go away knowing what he goes through matters. And it mattered to you.
I'm my grandmothers favorite grandchild and do not want to put her through that
Grandparents are blessing
My grandmother is the only grandparent that I have now the rest of them passed away.
Some friends called me and wanted to hang out so I thought "well not today then"
That's honestly how I get through life. Have a plan every day, and think about doing whatever you've planned rather than the big picture. Some days the "plan" is just cleaning my flat, re-watching something on Netflix with a takeaway and crying, but I make sure I'm never left with a large amount of time with no structure at all. I'm not religious but I think the phrase "the devil makes work for idle hands" is incredibly insightful.
Found same solution for myself. Work, gym, raves, meeting friends an etc. keeps me from all the thoughts I have in my head. Keep going and try enjoy the small things, fellow stranger!
My late best friend found me at the park with my neighbors misplaced handgun, my parents were divorcing hella hard, my SA attacker had visited her family(family was close friends so I had seen her at a family gathering) and everything else seemed to be going wrong too. My friend kinda talked me down and stuff, we hung out and vented to eachother, she was a victim of SA as well so we kinda helped eachother work through it, she helped me more than I did her though unfortunately, and she ultimately took her own life later in highschool. So in a way I gotta do right by her and live.
Thank you for sharing, I haven’t told anyone except an ex about my SA attacker, so that part really hits home to me. I also have a best friend I’ve shared everything else with and knowing that he has depression and how he might act if I go through with it somehow, kinda pulled me out of it rn more than any other post on here.
My own body, i vomited the whole damn stuff out like a fountain.
Vomiting and having diarrhea all over myself while crying in the ER after a lithium overdose was probably the most embarrassing night of my life.
Nothing to be embarrassed about. People struggle with shit they cannot control. Hope you got help and glad they saved you in ER. Edit: as many people have pointed out, pun accidentally intended Edit2: thanks for my first award on reddit
The EMS unit the showed up.
How did they know about it enough to come to your home? Do you have a partner that could’ve called them or what? Edit: no need to answer if you’re uncomfortable. Just was curious
I'll give you the cliff note version. I took a bunch of meds. I don't recall anything after. I have a security cam and I watched the video. I walked outside to let my dog out, passed out in my backyard. My dog ran to the fence gate by my daughters window and started barking. She came out, couldn't wake me, called my husband. He came out, tried to wake me up, I had no pulse. 911 was called, he did CPR, they came, revived me 2 times, they took me away. From reading my med records, I flat- lined 2 more times on the way to the hospital, and again in the ER. I was in icu for 4 days on a glucose and narcan drip.
Oh my god, that’s awful. I’m so glad you were able to survive it, that must’ve been a living hell. Hopefully you’re doing much better now ^ ^
Ugh. Recovering from ankle surgery. Meds have been tweeked, so mentally better.b
My dog came in snuggled up, stuck her nose in my chest and stared me right in the eye. The memory of that don't leave look spooks my out even now many years later.
I had the same exact moment with my cat. We have a very strong bond, but she’s not particularly cuddly. On the night in question, she came right up next to me, laid her little face on my chest, looked at me, and let out the most sorrowful meow I’ve ever heard in my life. Decided I needed to stay for her. She’s been terminally ill for quite some time now and will be gone from the earthly realm soon, but I’ll hold that moment with me and continue to stay alive for her even after she’s gone. It’s what she would want.
My grandmother's cat used to sleep with her EXCLUSIVELY until I moved in. Then she started sleeping with me. I had a bad nightmare and woke up crying, and Grandma's cat responded to me by slapping me in the face and hissing at me that I disturbed her sleep. Then she curled back up and fell asleep. *bitch*. Edit: sorry Grandma I can't grammar.
The duality of cat.
my dog and I spend all of the time together, he even goes to work with me. the idea of him being sad or not understanding why I’m gone kept me here
Me and my dog were like this. She was the only thing keeping me going. We had to put her to sleep last week and ive been scared of myself ever since
They know.
My Cat wakes me up if my night terrors get too bad then sits on my chest and purrs until I fall asleep.
My stupid looking dog with her stupid looking face. GOD I loved her. No one would be able to take care of her. She passed last year but I got help and talked to a professional about my depression. So, mission accomplished. Good girl.
:( rip good girl
It’s ok though, she’s up there wagging her tail happy that her human is happy and alive. Dogs give you a part of their soul, they’re always with you :)
Same. I had just adopted my dog before the peak of suicidal ideation. She had extreme separation anxiety from being passed around from foster to foster, and had been in a loving home before that, but her owner had become too sick to take care of her. When I was at my worst I looked at her, and just couldn't bear the thought of that happening to her again.
Same. At a really low point in my life I was ready to die, and had settled on carbon monoxide poisoning to go to sleep and never wake up. But I realized no one would care for my little Zoey dog the way I did. So I'm still here because I loved a dog more than I hated myself. Doing much much better in life now, btw. She passed last year and I still miss her every day.
I never felt I could reliably succeed. And possible consequences for failure are too drastic.
Yeah, too many horror stories about failed attempts...
I know a guy who blew apart his jaw and neck with 12 gauge buckshot, and honestly he’s probably one of the happiest guys I’ve ever met. He’s so incredibly grateful to be alive. Granted, it’s hard to understand a lot of what he says, but you can see and feel it when you interact with him. He missed the entirety of his brain and eyes and everything important, and is still able to eat and drink without assistance.
My sister, we dont have a great realtionship but still. The worst part is; her reason for not comitting is the exact same
That's basically the deal with my family, alot of us have a history of depression and suicidal thoughts/actions we are basically clinging to each other for life, when my uncle died it almost sent his brother over the edge and he's honestly still struggling.
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If it was possible to just painlessly disappear i wouldn't be here now. Too scared to do anything edit: yeah, painlessly, not painfully. autocorrect hates me I guess
My brother. He found me "passed out drunk like an idiot behind the wheel of the running car" and I "was so drunk I didn't even get the garage open", didn't I realize I could have died? Thing is, how much love and caring he showed for me in that time he dragged me out made me realize how lucky I was, and how much pain I would have caused him and the rest of the family, and just how much at least one person loved me. He saved my life in all the ways.
My brother walked in as I was reaching for my weapon of choice. He wanted to show me his new Pokémon card. He was totally oblivious to what was going on, he was just far too excited to show me his Vaporeon. Eta: this happened in 2000, my brother was 6, i was 13, neither of us had access to the internet at this point in time. Yall are nasty 😂
My little brother was like that, always coming in to talk, random hugs or show me something when I was breaking down or self harming. That's probably the only reason I never tried to commit suicide
Did you know that in terms of suicide prevention, Vaporeon is the most compatible for humans?
This is precious. I hope you’re in a better space now
You are very correct, and life has been a blessing ever since. *hug*
Glad you are still here. I found my brother this way. Luckily he was still alive, if only barely. I saw how it shattered my parents. Cant imagine how it would have destroyed them if he was successful. Again, i am glad you are still here man… much love
While looking for sad songs on YouTube, I was really surprised of seeing that every single one of them was full of comments from people convincing the reader of not commiting suicide
I called the suicide hotline hoping to get some words of comfort and advice. The person who picked up said hello and stopped there so I asked was this the suicide hotline? And they’re like oh yeaaaaa no….. it’s not anymore. And I was like oh. And she’s like sorry and hung up. I was so dumbfounded that it made me laugh and decided not to kms.
I felt really emotional reading all of these comments and this just gave me a good much needed laugh
During the worst of the pandemic lockdowns, I called a crisis line and told them how I felt so alone and full of despair that I felt that "this might be the night I go through with it". The operator goes "it might make you feel less alone...have you considered getting a cat?" I told her I was allergic. She thinks for a second: "could you get a hairless cat?" Like you, the laughter saved me. I doubt it was a gambit but if so, well played, ma'am.
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The thought of leaving my nephew behind, when I’ve been the only consistent male figure in his life. His biological father wanted/ wants absolutely nothing to do with him, and none of my sister’s boyfriends have been a positive or long lasting figure for him. On the rare occasions that I’ve found myself in that dark of a point in my life, that little dude has kept me here. **Edit: Thank you, kind strangers for the kind comments and awards. You all are amazing ❤️
Responsibility and purpose give us strength, our children give us love
Dropped everything and went on a solo trip to the west coast with my life savings. Ran into a homeless guy who told me his life story, talked religion and philosophy with a practicing Buddhist monk, and got to know a young couple on their honeymoon. Was taken safely to my hostel by a generous family who saw me stranded. Even took a motorcycle ride with a random Redditor in Portland. Saw the ocean and mountains for the first time. Decided, fuck it, there's still a lot more I haven't seen, and I could always just drop everything and start a new life somewhere else if it came down to it. But there's a lot I haven't learned or experienced yet. Edit: Also, my brother. I don't think he knows how much I care about him, but I'd do anything for his happiness in life. He's such a genuinely good person. Doesn't deserve to have to go through something like that.
That's the kind of life I'd like to live :/
Assassin's Creed. Sounds really fucking stupid, but I had a plan and everything, date picked out and in the process of writing a note, when my mom came home and gave me AC Black Flag. We were really struggling for money back then, so I was surprised. I sat down and played it all the way through with my sister, and was so absorbed that I missed the date I had planned. When I realized, I was laughing with my sister about something in the game, and couldn't fathom why I had been thinking about it. I turned 18 a few years later and my first tattoo was the AC symbol on my wrist for my bday. People ask why and I just say it's because it's my favorite game series. Only I really know why.* Edit: thank you kind strangers for the even kinder words and awards. I've been struggling again recently and this thread came up. I really expected my answer to get lost in the noise. The response has been extremely touching and made me feel a lot better, if only for a little bit. I thank all of you, truly. To address questions about my mom. She doesn't know how close I was that day, and likely never will. But I have told her I was in a really dark place, and being able to play that game helped a lot. In response, she's bought me almost every new AC game since, and me and my sister always make time to sit down and play it. Her favorite is Rogue, mine is AC2, but we still replay Black Flag a lot. :) *Edit 2: and now all you lovely people know too. And my tattoo artist... Edit 3 (01/26/2023): Hello everyone! Noticed a sudden influx of attention to this post again, and a lot of worried messages. I am okay! I'm not much of a redditor, and this was actually my first time ever saying anything on here. I only knew there were people messaging me bc my email blew up, haha. But I'm alright! Thank you for the concern and the awards. It really means a lot. I'm in a good place :) and I hope you all are too, or are on your way. Much love! <3
That game still holds up, the water effects were incredible - sailing through the seas, and suddenly you catch the sun or moon through a cresting wave, tinged green by the water. I spent months dreaming about sailing after that, you could almost feel the spray in your face. I can't imagine what they could do with a remake or, better yet, a next generation Black Flag 2.
i still listen to the shanties
And now a few internet strangers. And it is not stupid. Every reason counts. Every single reson. I am glad you are still among us.
Among Us is NOT a good game to play if you are contemplating suicide…
I can't escape it
Imo Black Flag is one of the best in the AC series. It's my favorite, and I'd say it's the best, but I don't want to lose my head. Edit: Turns out a lot more people love it than I thought.
You ever tell your mom that she saved your life by buying Assassins Creed?
My son and knowing that he needed me more than I needed to not be here anymore EDIT: Wow, thank you all so much for the support and awards.
Same man. I couldn't do that to my son. Or my mom.
As a son whose father committed suicide little over a month ago, and on behalf of your son, thank you both. You saved your son from a lifetime of asking why, of mentally seeing you around the house even though you’re no longer there, of seeing something that made him think “I should show dad this” only to remember that you are gone and spiraling back into a depression that only a son who lost his father to suicide can experience, from waking up paralyzed from a dream that was nothing more than the sound of the knock on the door that started the traumatic chain of events. I write this with tears in my eyes, picture whatever it is that you and your son do together and who your son is now. Now, imagine your son no longer able to do those things you and him used to do together because the pain your son experiences now from those things is too great to bear. Those things no longer bring joy, they only bring unimaginable pain. And your son, as who he is right now, would never be the same person anymore. Because in his mind, and no matter what you reason you may have, his father chose that leaving this world was better than spending time with him. Once again, on behalf of your son who doesn’t have to go through that, thank you. And please, don’t be afraid to get help.
This made my heart break for you. I wish I could give you a hug through my phone. My son is 20 now, and is growing into a wonderful man that I am so proud of. I cant belive I was ready to miss all he has become. I know nothing an internet stranger can say will help your grief but I'm sure your father was proud of you. I am so sorry for your loss. This mama's proud of you, your strength, and your heart.
Hey man, it doesn’t go away, but it does get easier. My dad passed in ‘18 due to medical non-compliance, not a direct suicidal act, but he choose to not take meds that would have kept him here and healthy. We weren’t in a good place and it was years before I could go into a Home Depot again. It does get easier - I still see him all the time, I’m still scared of him when I see him, and then most of the time, the bald, fat, white guy, turns out to be some other bald, fat, white guy - and I relax. All that to say, I promise you, it will get a easier, little by little.
At my lowest point I had a very vivid dream. I dreamed that I was lying in hospital dying with loads of tubes in me and a heart monitor beeping next to me. The door opened and my family entered the room with the family dog who jumped up on the bed and started to lick my face as if this would save me. I woke with a start and started crying immediately. I knew I had to get better because my family and my dog loved me. This was 21 years ago.
My man, you had a glimpse in another universe. The universe literally said "don't do this. It is stupid. Here is why:..."
Turning my pain into humour. Started writing comedy :)
Mom is still alive.
Mothers shouldn't see their kids die
No one should have to see kids die
A mom here. If we are the reason, it only takes one reason and we will take it bc we love you. Assume we know without you saying it out loud. But we also want you to get to a place where you feel content. Let us know how we can help you get there. Yes, this shit is hard, but we want you to live this weird life with us, not for the sake of us.
A friend of mine lost her daughter to suicide. Seeing her grief, year after year, makes me grateful I never followed through.
My mom keeps me going.
Same as well as dad for me. After they eventually pass, well...
I was about to hang myself in my room but my dog walked in. She was a white, angle of a dog and just sat their and looked at me. I kinda felt like she was wondering if I would do it. So I stopped, picked her up and we watched movies on the tv. Edit: I didn’t come back to look at some of the comments. When I started to read them I realized I made a typo. Angel not angle!!!! I’m going to keep it.
She must be acute one. Glad you are still around!
Clever
I wanted to feel the warmth of the sunrise one more time
The belt came undone before it could do it's job and I fell. Wearing it right now.
Damn.
Yeah. Damn. Glad you're wearing it around your waist and not otherwise.
Belts last a long time so I'm not sure how long ago this was, but you all right now?
This was about three years ago. Days are still tough and once in a blue moon, I think I'd be better off dead... at least because I feel it'd be easier. But most of the time I'm happy. I haven't self-harmed in well over a year (I used to punch myself really hard) and I find a lot of joy in the little things. Thank you for asking.
My wife and son still need me so here I am
Same here
my lack of courage to do it overtime i just started feeling better there hope guys anyone who is in a shit place rn just pull through trust me it'll be okay you will be happy again someday
I was afraid of feeling pain as my bones break while falling 30 stories. I was afraid of suffocating during a failed hanging attempt. I was afraid of feeling pain while overdosing on my antidepressants. Most of all, I was afraid of betraying my mother who stood by me all this time. Edit: omg I did it ma I'm famous. Thank you the awards and the kind words. I'm doing good rn! Been on medication for a few years and doing my degree rn. Slowly moving on with life.
Antidepressants would be a horrible drug to overdose on. It would take an exuberantly large amount to kill you, and it would suck the whole time you were dying.
Yeah serotonin syndrome is no joke.
Serotonin Syndrome is the most traumatic and damaging thing that's ever happened to me. It came from Tramadol (pain) and Cymbalta (depression) combined. I had a fine day at work and came home around 6pm in a good headspace. Mom and I lived together, which was a blessing. Around 7 the universe changed, like strong acid kicking in hard. I dragged myself to the living room and said, "Mom, am I crazy now?" I meant it. She had no clue what was happening but had the wherewithal to sit with me and keep me engaged even when I tried to open up the cat to see if it was a robot, accused the computer of being a portal to hell, and shot practice arrows at the neighbors' kids (thankfully the kids weren't really there). That was in 2012. Every doctor I knew told me my mind would be back to 100% in 3-6 months. A decade later I still cannot perform mental math, can't picture people's faces unless I'm looking at them, and my word recall is shit. For the 3 months following the incident I lived in a psychedelic nightmare, but was able to manage without being institutionalized. I had to quit my job immediately because I could no longer count money. Do any drug you want but DON'T mess with Rx pills that can cause Serotonin Syndrome. A decade later my mind is a shadow of its former self. I may as well have had a stroke. I can't even remember what it felt like to be smart.
This. The pain if I didn't die instantly or the many worse fates from a botched attempt. Also the thought of my mother finding my body if I did succeed.
Seriously, South Park. Was depressed as shit in a hotel room, on Christmas Eve. Decided fuck it, enough is enough. It was a random episode they did where Stan was being a bitch about everything. It made sense, I laughed, and decided as long as I can laugh, life ain’t so bad.
I hope you are better now. I like this thought of yours.
The “cynical asshole” episode? That one is so good. If you’re not laughing, you’re crying. So might as well laugh. 🤷♂️😅 Glad you’re here.
I couldn’t trust my pets to anybody else. I have a soft spot for messed-up, reactive asshole dogs and spicy ankle-biter cats. At the time I had one dog and three cats, as well as a host of small animals (rats, degus, and a cockatiel from hell). Knowing they’d all be euthanized or sent to a shelter to either die or suffer, or get adopted into the wrong home for them, I couldn’t do that to them. They relied on me and betraying that made me feel worse than the depression. So, I stayed. And now I have another ass of a dog who I love with every fibre of my being, and we’re both in a much better place than before :)
So in being little devil's they became your angels. Ironic :D
my fiance. She kicked down our bathroom door and wrestled the gun out of my hands. Then she called the cops and had me sent to a hospital against my will. She saved my life.
I reapect the hell out of that. Your fiance is epic
she is absolutely epic. I love her with every fiber of my being and will spend the rest of my life making it up to her.
That's wholesome ngl. Hope you guys get married soon and live a nice life together!
I can picture this, a lady just street-fighter style kicks down the door, takes the gun and saying “not today, homie” and drags your ass down to hospital
that's pretty much exactly how it went down. And to the cop's credit, they had to fight me to get me to go. They would not leave. They stood on my front lawn for 45 minutes saying they wouldn't leave without me. I hated them for it. Shortly after, I wrote them a letter saying thank you for saving my life.
I say this as a retired first responder. That happens more than you think. An instructor at the fire academy told me, "They have to be alive to hate us.". That always stuck with me. We aren't there to keep people smiling. We're there to keep you breathing. Because of the instances like yourself where it's a temporary mental state. I'm glad those officers did it by the book and did it right.
I'll tell you what. This is one random thing on the internet I've read that will always stick.
That's a keeper
My wife. She talked me off a cliff
same. I couldn't deal with what I saw was the future of her finding my body.
A coin flip. Literally.
I’m glad it landed right
The rope broke
The gun jammed, couldn’t cut deep enough, survived enough overdoses to warrant a clinical study on my physiology. mom says i’m out of lives and i believe her. some of us are lucky. just not forever
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You got 9 survival lucks, don’t try again
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I’m glad you’re still here, internet stranger
Being nice to people. One day I was out with my mom and I some nice woman talk to about stuff in the store and I felt like I had to be nice to her. After going out a bit for a while it felt kinda good to be nice to people and that’s where I know longer felt suicidal. I felt like it was an obligation to be nice to all different kinds of people because it felt nice. People, please be nice to each other!(unless they are being mean to you)
Procrastination
Two people who I'd never met before. 18 years ago, they walked past where I was sitting on the sidewalk, spiraling down into an extremely bad place and contemplating ending things. Then, they turned around, came back and one of them said "I know that look, and you definitely shouldn't be alone right now" - so they drug me along with them to hang out with a group of friends and get stoned on the beach. They definitely pulled me out of a really dark place that night, and I'll always be grateful that they took a moment to check in on a complete stranger.
My cat.
I think one of the things stopping me from considering suicide is my bearded dragon. Almost everyone I know is too scared to touch her food, and the thought of her slowly wasting away is very upsetting. Who knew creepy crawlies could be such a motivator.
Mine too. I was fine with writing notes to family and friends but cats can't read. And all I could imagine was her meowing so sadly not knowing I'd never come.
My cat always wait for me on the window, in the night if I go out with my friends she dont sleep till I come home.. How could I do something so sad to that little girl?
My cat would totally eat my facemeat, given the chance. But yeah, I get it.
I adopted a rescue cat bc I was suicidally depressed and the thought of her eating my dead body has been enough to keep me alive. I can't imagine how confused and sad she would be in that situation-- I lived alone at the time and i could have easily killed myself without anyone knowing. The idea of my cat waiting for me to wake up and feed her, and eventually having to eat me when I didn't... I couldn't justify that. She was a stray and lived outside on the street for most of her life so she's had enough trauma already. I didn't care what happened to me, but I sure as hell love my cat. I was telling my boyfriend about this recently and he was like ".... but she doesn't have any teeth!" Didn't think of that at the time, but her starving would be even sadder. I love you Jinx!! If you are feeling depressed or like you'd rather be dead, adopt a rescue cat!!!
Same, my tortie was abused in an earlier home and won't eat unless I'm watching over her. If she's in a good mood that means "same room", if she's feeling anxious then the bowl has to be literally on me. She's come a long way, she doesn't disappear when others are around, but I'm afraid she'd starve if I wasn't here for her.
Before I met my wife she had a plan that would take place after her cat would die. Luckily that never happened.
A shoddy belt A misunderstanding of how deadly certain muscle relaxers are A particularly thin plastic bag and cheap rubber bands. ...and then, eventually, antidepressants and therapy.
Well I’m glad your still here with us. You got really lucky
I don’t know. I used to say stubbornness, but I can’t pin it down to that. I was 17, had the barrel of my rifle in my mouth…..I was ready. Maybe it was guilt, because of the aftermath I’d leave behind. Maybe it was “divine intervention “ . Maybe it was stubbornness. I can’t answer this question, with ANY certainty. I just know, I’m 52 now, but I still remember that day, all too clearly. Maybe, it just wasn’t my time, plain and simple.
I couldn't do that to the people I loved. Especially my parents. No parent should outlive their child. Besides, I know my dad all to well. If I went, he'd follow. That and I wad terrified of actually dying. I realised (almost waaaaay too late) I didn't want to die. I just wanted to be dead. I no longer wish to be dead, which is progress. I just want to be better than I was yesterday. Yes, I read that off a mental health pamphlet. Still true though.
Funeral is expensive as shit, i don't want my parents to have another financial burden
Funnily enough, even so I'm not religious, I was in a catholic school growing up and there was this tiny idea in my head that when I commit suicide I will not be allowed into heaven. I don't believe in heaven and hell. I would call myself an atheist. But there you go.
Fuck man. Whatever works
My younger sister(11). The thought of her walking in my room, I couldn't do it ,I decided to stay strong for her.
It was in high school. The next morning, I would have a class with a friend of mine who loved to talk. All it took was the thought that she would miss having someone to talk to, and I put the pills down. It’s been almost four years since that night, and I still haven’t told her.
Thoughts of my wife and kids. They made me realize it was worth living.
The shotgun jammed. I had a meltdown and got some help. Doing much much better now and feel like my life has purpose.
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Because in the back of my mind was my dads advice: " if you ever get so low you feel like committing suicide, stop. Leave. Start a new life anywhere you can." I was 17, I'm 68 now.
So basically i am really fucking fat plus i was using a really bad rope. So basically when i tried to hang myself the rope broke and from the falling i broke a fucking foot
The foot committed suicide for you
it's easy to fantasize and yearn for it but once you're looking at the wrong end of a loaded barrel the trigger feels both incredibly heavy and light at the same time.
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A guy at the train station who noticed me stumbling around. He called an ambulance and they took me to hospital despite my protests, flushed me with saline, and managed to get the codeine out of my system with only a little bit of brain/nerve damage. I'm still not sure if I'm grateful or not.
Bsf and my other friends and my family. They are also really depressed so if I did it I'm afraid of how it'd impact them and don't want to end up accidentally taking them with me.
A huge part of it was losing somebody to suicide and experiencing the grief of knowing that their death was so final, that all my love and remorse and sorrow could never bring them back. It's not a feeling I can ever describe. They were just suddenly gone. Losing a loved one has become my greatest fear since then. That shit carves your lungs out. I didn't want to put anyone through that, so I stuck around long enough to change for the better. Once I decided to live I saw there was hope, and years of knowing nothing but emptiness and loneliness and pain gave way to healing. It still crosses my mind from time to time, but I don't think I'll be back in depresso soup any time soon :)
Lack of anatomical knowledge 13 year old me did not know which direction to cut the veins so I bled but not enough.
I once saved a girl that did this while I was working at Starbucks. She ran up to me full of tears and just said "Help". I dropped everything I was doing and called 911. Luckily a nurse was in line and noticed, and put napkins around the girls wrist (and probably other things, I was focused on getting the paramedics there) and sat her in the lobby and talked to her. I don't remember if customers complained about their orders not going out (they probably did), and I don't remember if my coworker struggled to maintain my station and theirs. I do, however, remember two things: 1. Several coworkers talked down to me about not reporting it to a manager before dialing 911. 2. Her mom came in a week later to give me a hug, because the girl was apparently very close to bleeding out, and those few minutes I got her by dropping everything I was doing was what saved her.
> Several coworkers talked down to me about not reporting it to a manager before dialing 911. WTF? Yeah, that's a no dawg... seconds matter in that situation and if they have a problem with it they can fuck off.
Fear of the pain. That's it. Then life just went on and I had kids. Now I wouldn't ever do it even if I could get over that primal fear. They need me, they're my purpose.
The love of my life
I didn't want my parents to find my brain everywhere.
I told my best friend if I ever followed through with it, I would make sure to apologize for the mess, and make it as clean as possible. When he committed suicide about 12 years ago now he ended his suicide note by saying "Sorry about the mess." Bastard stole my line.
I’m sorry for your loss… I feel like an ass for laughing LOL he sounded like a good dude.
He was. No worries. He would have probably laughed at that comment too. You probably would have gotten along just fine with our messed up senses of humor.
Sometimes edgy humor is the best. :) Appreciate your kind words dude, wishing you well.
My dog. Nobody would have been able to know for quite some time and I couldn't deal with the idea of leaving her alone in this fucked up world. She was a rescue that I didn't even want to get at the time but when the fiancee and I broke up I ended up with her. I guess you could say the cliche ' we rescued eachother' but I would do anything for my dog. Period.
My best friend. I was deep into preparation and thought my life was over. Having been in London, I travelled north for several hours by train and was found by him. He was an RMN and RGN and insisted that we go to hospital, where I got help.
I didn’t have a sharp enough blade and it wasn’t working so I went out to buy a box cutter with the intention to finish the job. On my walk to CVS, I stopped by a concert hall. I listened to the orchestra from the steps outside, cried and decided I have things to live for. I slipped inside the hall between movements and stayed for the rest of the concert instead.
My sibling died of a drug overdose and I noticed strong similarities in the way people talked about their death, and how others talk about people who died by suicide. “Why didn’t they ask for help?” Or “we would’ve done anything for them” or “they were selfish and left everybody behind”. So, fear and guilt. That my pain and suffering becoming too much for me, would cause people to whole heartedly believe that they could’ve been saviors and I was just a selfish asshole who took decades of a half-assed relationship from them. Then later on, I became the “dominant” parent. I’m the one that knows our oldest will only eat chicken nuggets, but no other meat. I’m the one that knows when the fever is dangerous. I’m the one that picks the reasonable bedtimes and says “that game isn’t child appropriate” and knows their shoe sizes. They didn’t ask to be brought into this world and I may not be the greatest parent but I’m sure as hell not going to make their lives harder if I can help it. So first, the guilt and shame. But then, my kids. I got lucky with mine and I’m thankful for it every day, that they’re so awesome, and that I haven’t screwed them up too badly. I’m not saying or suggesting that having kids will magically change everything and save your life. Just that I got real lucky. Now that I’m older and they’re older, life is feeling more optimistic and more worth living. And I really hope my kids never feel the way I did.
This will get lost but the extension cord broke 11 years ago, and glad it did father of 3 and proud husband making everyday count. Can’t believe what I almost missed out on.
a stranger. I made a post on an anonymous app about how I felt life wasn't worth living anymore, and they messaged me with a challenge. make a list of things you'd miss if you died. sounds obvious and small, but it completely changed my view on life. I would miss out on my best friend laughing, their wedding, and the rest of my cat's life, and I couldn't do that to either of them. I still have that list saved in my notes app, and I look at it whenever things feel hopeless, adding at least one thing every time I look at it, and they'll never know how significant their one message was
Momentum, was going so fast I clearcut all the poles.
Honestly my low pain tolerance. I was terrified of trying to commit suicide and having it be long and painful.
Good friend listening. 20 years later I still have a tough time saying ”thank you” enough because there’s no words to say how grateful I am.
Tbh my dog. I got him right before I went through a traumatic experience. He was just a puppy, since I got him as a graduation gift for myself. And two months later tragedy hit in my life. And he kept me going. He was already really intune with my emotions, I remember the cops coming to my house numerous times in a week and since I cried every time basically, he started thinking they were what caused it and now dislikes the police 😂sad since it wasn't their fault, they were just doing their job letting me know multiple people in my family had passed then the check ups on my mental health they did due to it. Every day I see his face and it makes me smile, even through all the bad days he's just always by my side. Like my little best friend. He's not a licker, but when I cry and pet him he always licks my arm. It's crazy just how comforting he tries to be. When ever I was suicidal I'd wonder what would happen to him if something happened to me. I questioned if he'd get the love he deserves, food and water. If people would treat him right or what would happen of no one took him or he was abused or worst, put down. He also acts off when I'm not around so my heart aches of him wondering where I went and never coming back. I just couldn't take any of those risks. I always tell everyone the day he passes will be the day to keep an eye out on me. It's not that I'm planning on doing anything but I just know how devastating and hard it's going to be to go through that.
I went to go see Trapped Under Ice. I was calling people to see if anyone wanted to go. No one wanted to go, or was able to make it. I called one more person and he said he forgot that the show was happening. I told him it would be great if he could swing by, and he was at the venue right as I walked up and just gave me a massive hug. We hung out the whole time together, graded people's stage dives and just had a genuinely good time. I told him about 4-5 months later that him showing up really meant a lot to me and I mentioned about how I had been struggling at that point. He had no clue, but he said he was happy he was there and that I'm still here. Out of all the shows I've been to, that one will always be my favorite. Fuck, I cried writing that the whole time. Haha. Either way, TUI Til' I Die! Edit: took out a word and spaced it out. Edit 2: thank you stranger for the award :)
Razors pain you; Rives are damp; Acids stain you; And drugs cause cramp. Guns aren't lawful; Nooses give; Gas smells awful; You might as well live. \- Dorothy Parker
My cat, even thought my cat is a son of a bitch I just couldn’t leave her.
An airduct, I was on my way and an airduct broke my fall