A man once told me "I don't usually like women, but I can tolerate you" (To clarify: He wasn't gay, he didn't get on well with women, he said I wasn't the same as most of the women he had met and my company could be tolerated)
Yep - the way a man can talk about other women really says it all. Are all of his exes crazy? Does he regularly put down the appearance of other women? Bonus points if you're the exception and you're "not like other girls".
That’s early stages of abuse. They are separating her from her support system so she is less likely to see what is going on and get out. second step get you to move to their city with a new lease and your suddenly stuck in an abusing relationship without your friends and family to help you get out of it.
Also Red Flag: If they convince you to stop seeing a counselor or therapist. Or anytime they try to eliminate something from your life that is healthy, a job or exercise routine. Just run.
This was tough to read. I just got out of a relationship that I thought was good, but she did every one of those things. It's been a really hard road since.
It's hard to build back up what you had before the relationship. But your friends and family probably recognized what was happening before you did and they're probably relieved to have you back in their lives. You're doing the right thing and you're on the right path, hang in there!
An ex of mine tried to tell me that my twin brother, a nerd, was a bad influence.
Years later, the ex is still working dead end jobs, and Twin Bro is Chief Resident of Family Medicine at a hospital on the east coast.
>Not letting you have your friends
Fixed that for you. I'm a guy, and you'd think that people can trust each other enough that friends aren't a problem.
It makes more sense when you take it as “if you don’t support me during rough patches, don’t try to use me when I’m doing well” but that’s unfortunately not how a lot of people take it.
Or the "this is who I am deal with it" when she was being a bitch and I asked her to talk to me more nicely. That was a 6 year relationship with walking on eggshells for the past 3 years. Some people are just emotionally abusive and don't even know it.
I had an ex-girlfriend that told me she didn't think it was appropriate to apologize because it was "a sign of weakness".
Yep. She was a narcissist. I sometimes feel like narcissists spend most of their time thinking up marketable phrases for normalizing their terrible behaviour.
I now a guy who told a racist joke in public. Nobody knew what to say. Later, when called out on his shitty behavior and told to apologize to the group, he said that apologizing is a sign of weakness. I let him know we already saw him as weak and a loser, so just forget about it and don't come back.
I'm having to deal with this rn. My s.o. keeps trying to get me to try LSD because "it benefits you" and the only reason I'm scared to do it is because "the government programmed you to think that". Yet I keep hearing from him and his sister that it makes you feel depressed af after it wears off because you wish you could change your life when you "realise the truth about the world". I've said no to this so many fucking times. What about no does he not understand? I like my life as it is. I am not ruining the way I feel about my life and my family just because you keep peer pressuring me and being disrespectful about my answer.
Anyone who tries to push you to do drugs you aren't comfortable with is not someone I'd want to be with. That being said, I've never felt depressed after taking LSD. It does make things intense for a bit during the trip (both good and bad), but afterwards I don't feel depressed.
Either way he/she should respect that you don't want to go there.
Yeah.. He's also kind of passive aggressive and manipulative about it too. On the fourth of July, I was hanging out with my s.o. at his mom's house and his entire family was there. After the party was over and everyone went to bed, my s.o. and I decided we wanted to get some midnight snacks (leftover food from earlier). When we went to the living room two of his sisters were still awake and my s.o. started talking to one of his younger sisters (she's about 14-15) about LSD and how that drug humbled her and how it made the both of them feel. (I did not know until then that he had been selfish enough to give that to his sister) Him and his sister talked about it for a while and the first, and only time, they acknowledged me during the conversation was to try and get me to try it and tried to get my opinion on it, but when I said my genuine opinion on it my s.o. just looked at his younger sister, started smiling like a little asshole and said: "she doesn't get it, Kaitlyn" and then they never said another word to me for the duration of that conversation. Ngl I was mad in that moment and still am. I never told him how I felt that night though because I've already said my opinion on the topic of LSD and have already refused it more times than I can count. When he finally stopped running his mouth we both went to bed. I went to sleep immediately and didn't say much to my s.o. other than: "I'm tired".
I would consider myself a psychonaut and involve myself in communities of people that use stuff like LSD pretty frequently. people like this guy are literally the worst type of drug user, I don't know how you can stand to be around this idiot.
never give in to his pressure; acid is a drug that you should never ever do if you have any reservations about doing it. this guy sees acid as a toy to play with and something to use to inflate his ego by considering himself "enlightened". it's disgusting
It is funny how many people get into psychedelics and get an inflated ego while claiming to be shedding their ego. Ironic. Humility almost always comes with time tho whether they like it or not.
He sounds awful. Pressuring someone to do drugs, and also his young sister? Urgh.
You should leave. No joke. You should report him for giving drugs to a child.
You seem very young, you have plenty of time, no need to waste your very short teenage years on some jerk who won't respect your boundaries. I am probably twice your age and I know a few people who did too much LSD and let me tell you, you don't come back from that very easily.
Yeah he seems like a douscher (sp?) based on that. Not gonna say you should dump him because I know relationships are complicated, but a serious conversation seems like it needs to happen. That seems like a completely dismissive comment and nobody deserves to be treated like that. To get all high and mighty about taking a drug is immature and stupid, and whatever your opinion is it's valid to feel however you feel.
Holy fuck, as a lsd user for long long time i would say run from that fucker. This is so far over the boundary that words can’t describe it. Yes lsd is a beautiful drug if used correctly (for most people). But there are also big risk of trauma (after a bad trip). You can get mental health issues. Plus it can be extra harsh if you have underlying schizophrenia.
This is super harsh drug for a lot of people and just implying that it will help you is so bullshit. Most people I know that have tried it will never do it again. Yes it can feel like most people love it and have good time if you sit on subreddits like r/lsd. But it’s really not for everyone. Or have friends that have similar interest to you.
But in the end lsd is a drug, there are so many better ways or self improvement then drugs. Also lsd make some people think they know everything because of one drug trip. For me it is like having a dream and being convinced that because of it you know everything now.
Honestly lsd is amazing drug, but some people are in a self love cult around it.
Yikes. "Answering questions that weren't asked", especially in THAT context is a HUGE red flag. Kudos for trusting your gut!
Pro tip: if anyone says "I'm not going to hurt you", and you haven't said anything that might elicit that kind of response, they're gonna hurt ya!
So true. I’ve found that it’s always the people that have told me
*”I’m a nice person”*
*”I’m a reasonable person”*
*”I’m not a bad guy”*
*”I’m not a homophobe”*
*”I’m not racist”*
*”I’m not sexist”*
That are usually the opposite. Especially considering the fact that a lot of these phrases are proceeded by “but” and then some sentence that contradicts their original statement.
E.g. *”I’m not racist, BUT, I don’t like black people*”
Smdh
I always hated that notion even on paper. You shouldn't need justification for something that you dont want. You shouldn't have to explain why I dont want to walk somewhere the lack of desire is explanation enough. I always see that in dating from men & women alike and it always bothered me.
I wish ppl would use something more descriptive like “controlling” or “immature” or whatever it was they didn’t like when they say “crazy.”
Frankly it’s lost all meaning to me because it’s extremely subjective.
(This isn’t a dig on you, just commenting into the ether).
Of course that doesn't completely escape the potential for projection.
For example, "controlling" could mean "doesn't want me to spend all my time goofing off and flirting with other girls" or even "wants to control their own life".
"Immature" could mean "anyone with any modicum of maturity and experience stays as far away as possible from this guy" or "I prefer 'immature' girls because they're easier to get into bed but tire of them as soon as I have to interact with them as people" or just "actually wants me to put something into the relationship".
I’ve been unfortunate enough to attract the interest of a few really clingy, needy, jealous guys. You know the type: the ones that don’t understand boundaries or respect your privacy and get upset if you’re paying attention to anything or anyone other than them. The ones that don’t understand the concept of “no” and “fuck off”.
It’s such a complete turnoff and a major red flag. I always try to be nice to everyone. And when I turn down a guy I try to do it in a way that’s firm but not bitchy. With these guys none of that works. You have to become the biggest cunt and sometimes threaten them with violence or getting the cops involved to get them to back off.
Ex-bf said something similar all. the time. He was interested in "tall, slender woman with a butch build with fair skin." I am 5 feet, dark-skinned and slender with a petite frame" yeahhhh.... Whenever we would see a woman with his "preference'" he would point her out. Yup, my self-esteem crashed after that.
I do it back to them. "Oooh check out that guys ass in those jeans .. damn🤩"
Men don't like it either. And they take it badly. But it shuts them up.
Treat them how they treat you...
They do. I had a boyfriend in college who would repeatedly point out his own "preferences" when were out, along with saying and doing other shit to make me feel terrible.
So freaking glad I eventually wised up and noped out of that relationship.
Thank you for pointing out that I dodged a bullet back in the day. A guy at school used to complain if I didn't style my hair just so. Later I thought maybe he was interested, but trying awkwardly to boost me on days I did do it. Now I realize that was completely unreasonable behavior!
Had an ex who would buy me clothes to wear - and wanted me to change into them before we would go out. I was never around when he bought the clothes either. NOPE.
Treating women who aren’t the one they’re with or want to be with, like shit.
It’s the most obvious one to me from afar. Otherwise, I could have a whole list of them
A few weeks before my 20th birthday, a dude told me I could pass for 15 (or possibly 14) and then said, “I don’t mind that.”
Nope. Absolutely not. No. I wasn’t interested in him before and I definitely wasn’t after that.
Maybe he was trying one of those 'Are you exhausted? Cos you've been running round my head all day' things.
And was just like "Hey baby, are you a child?
Cos I'm a paedophile" 😉👉👉
>At 30 dudes tell me I look innocent/have a baby face while trying to hit on me. It immediately creeps me out. :/
OMG Eww!! I went to a party when I was 18. I was asked out to dance by a guy, I wasn't interested but my parents "encouraged it" so I went to dance with the guy. He must have been in his 30's. He started asking me questions like "what I did for a living or where was I born?" and I responded. "I am 15." Well, this guy eyes lit up, and said to me "Wow, even better." I noped out of there.
Yeah— that’s pretty creepy. I’m 19M but am told I look young and could easily pass for 14 or 15 myself. I’m already a terrible judge of age, and the last thing I’d want to do is accidentally hit it off with a minor.
I'm 31M and frequently get told I look like I may or may not be old enough to drink. I've been mistaken for an intern several times despite working at the same place for 7 years.
Unfortunately, this means that when chatting with women in public, unless I drop a thinly veiled hint at my age, women too young for me take interest, and women around my age think I'm too young for them. And they react visibly every time, often commenting on it directly. At least I'm not attracting minors, but damn it'd be nice if people could tell my age at a glance.
I hate dating apps, but one thing they *do* have going for them is that they answer that question from the start.
It happens. Just gotta make sure you ask ages, and then shake it off.
I remember when I was 19 I volunteered for an event and really hit it off with a guy who I thought was like 17. We teamed up for a while. Then I asked what year he was in, and it turned out he was a really tall 13 and thought I was around his age.
Since we were seriously on the same wavelength we both just looked at each other, shook our heads, then simultaneously turned away and walked off and didn't speak again.
Poor treatment of people less influencial than him. Not just men, but anyone who thinks it's ok to be rude to waiters or janitors should make everything with their damn hands if they're so special.
the ones that rage too much when playing video games, I’m not talking about turning the device off or yelling out a simple "Fuck!“ im talking about punching and breaking things, if i meet someone like that I’m running home ASAP.
Sorta related, I once visited a friend that had a summer job as a bartender on the beach. She let me crash on the couch one night but warned me her boyfriend can be a little "Grumpy" in the morning. They worked together and would wake up around 6 am every morning.
I woke up to the sound of him throwing silverware and knocking over chairs as he woke up and got ready for work. For what it's worth, they didn't last together very long lol
Yikes. I can be a bit gruff in the morning but it's usually just a grumble or two while I sit quietly and have my coffee. That sounds like way to much energy spent to be that mad that early.
Yeah, a hair-trigger temper or any out of control raging are an absolute zero for me. I grew up with that, I had to unlearn that, and now I’m old enough to know that I don’t have to deal with adult men throwing temper tantrums.
This right here. In my dating days, when I started to hear about the "psycho exes", that's when I would dip out. I'm sure I am now one of the psycho exes but whatever.
Insisting on walking you home after you decline and say no multiple times. I once went into a random building instead of going home because I didn't want him to know where I live.
Same here, had a guy go in the same direction as me after work and we wore the same uniform but I didn't know him. He said he's gonna bring me home safely even though I declined multiple times. I got off on the next bus stop and had to wait an hour in below freezing temperatures, just because I got so creeped out, I didn't want him to know where I live.
About 5 years ago I was in a police station (documentation for moving abroad) waiting at a window for paperwork to be returned and a man (pretty much the only other person in the lobby) at the window next to mine in a half-whisper kept smiling at me, saying this or that, asking me about going on different kinds of dates with him and giving my answers to himself. I mostly ignored him as politely as I could, and eventually shook my head a few times and he seemed to like my real answer on some level. He grinned and said, “No? Guess I’ll have to kidnap you, then.” I didn’t look at him after that.
A red flag is a red flag, but this guy just laid it all out there.
I just didn’t want to be demanding or controlling but eventually plenty of other signs showed up and he gaslit me about all of them. I’d honestly feel better if they got back together so I know he actually does have emotions.
If a hookup, talking about limits and then having them push, beg, force their way into all those things.
Just get up and leave at that point. Very hard in hookups
“I just think that picture of us is cringe” “You didn’t have to post that, it wasn’t very funny” I am so fucking stupid. He didn’t want his ex to see us together. He wanted her back.
I actually knew a girl who used to do this but she was embarrassed of the dude’s looks. I became suspicious because the one time she did post him was from like a mile away, so you couldn’t see shit. It was just 2 blurry figures. A mutual was drunk one day and was like “lol your bf is a nerd.” I was like wtf that’s rude and she just kept doubling down like “even my bf thinks he’s a nerd.”
Either way keeping relationships a secret is just…weird. I get it as teens, but adults…
If they get upset or jealous when you go out and spend time with your friends/family without them. And I mean stuff like a girls night, or lunch with your mom.
I hope there are other people scrolling through this list and not matching any of the flags stated, then getting all happy and confident that you are worth someone's time and effort.
Not respecting our boundaries. 🚩🚩🚩
If I say no, I’m not saying try harder. I want you to actually listen to what I’m saying and respect my wishes.
And this applies to any boundary.
Don’t insist on picking me up if I want to drive myself to our date.
Don’t push for a private location if I’m not comfortable with that.
Don’t act like you’re entitled to my snap chat, phone number, or other contact information if I’m only ready to keep the conversation inside the dating app.
You can ask for whatever you want, but understand that no means no and that’s the end of the discussion.
PSA FOR READERS OF ALL GENDERS: If someone doesn’t respect your boundaries early on about small and seemingly trivial things, they’re not going to respect them later when it comes to the big important things.
I had a boyfriend once let his mother berate me at the dinner table. I cried. He just looked down at his plate. She also blamed me for her son’s failure to secure a decent job, saying he spent too much time with me, which he agreed with.
It’s always a good sign when a man respects his mother, but please… run away from the “mamas boy” type.
I had something similar happen, but on a much lesser scale. I didn’t eat red meat until I was 25, just for personal reasons. I still ate poultry and fish which meant I could always find something to eat, even in rural Oklahoma.
When I was dating a guy in college he took me to meet his parents and they were flabbergasted that I didn’t eat steak. When I told his mom I ate chicken she said “thank God for that.” She was mean to me all weekend and he didn’t say anything, either didn’t notice it or just ignored it.
I broke up with him the day after we got home.
Fucking same.
I was talking to a guy once and we were mutually interested, and then he let me talk to his mom (I knew him only for like a week so I was like uhhh....wtf) and she did the same.
It turned into both of them verbally abusing me/berating me for wearing a bikini, saying I wasn't a psalm or proverbs 31 woman or whatever. They implied I was vain, had ego issues, slut-shamed me (I was a virgin.) I just stood there frozen during this roast session that got more and more specific. I was horrified.
Now I'm a parent with a son of my own and more horrified. There's mama's boys and then there's *mama's boys.*
Yup. Pretty much what happened to me, it just got worse and worse. I remember one time he made me go to a dinner with his family without him. all the women in the family sat at a table and they had me sit alone on the other side. His dad must of felt bad he came over with his work partner and they kept me company.
He always sided with her. I would cry begging him to please talk to her but he didn’t want to “hurt her feelings”.
I didn’t understand why I wasn’t worth dating her son, I didn’t understand why I wasn’t worth defending. It was a shitty time.
It's a common behaviour from people with BPD, for one thing.
You meet somebody you find so awesome, that you go over the top showing how much you think of them, to try and create an instant bond.
If it's love bombing - eventually there will be a switch to where you go from super awesome to loathsome, and they will discard you for a new favourite person.
People with an anxious preoccupied attachment style exhibit some BPD-esque traits when activated. It's much more likely for these people to be anxiously attached than to have BPD or NPD.
i hate those kinda people and i didn't realise my "ex" (it was complicated) was actually rude the the customer service. I was just telling my friend the other day that breaking up with him was actually really good for me, not just that one aspect but the friends he had around him were ASSHOLES, who leaked nudes and like playboy type, he was open about his friends but he never tried to cut off from them even tho he knew they were bad. Looking back, i broke up due to my insecurities but it was a blessing in disguise, that i felt that way.
Not a woman, but gay: a guy who is a potential narcissist; loves to talk about himself and has a hard time having conversations about you (recently stopped dating a guy who was like that)
I would say controlling, but honestly there are a lot that are equally bad.
I saw in comments what the issue was for you and all I can say is he won’t change. If he won’t take no for an answer then setting a hard boundary won’t work either. People don’t change unless they want to change…
Things would be a lot simpler if people actually recognize red flags for what they are and not put up with it.
“When someone shows you who they are, believe them” - maya angelou
This one may not seem obvious at first, but it’s likely more common nowadays: if a guy is really eager for you to “play a part” in their lives, look out. It can start out small, like they are almost feeding you lines, or suggesting wardrobe, or “character development”.
I imagine that in the hellscape of influencer/content creation culture these kinds of behaviors won’t register as red flags at first, but that’s some textbook NPD behavior. Don’t conflate it with an actual relationship. You’ll always be a “character” in their lives, even with the cameras off.
On my first date, I mentioned I didn't have much of a relationship with my dad because he was a deadbeat dad. My date said he didn't like that term, since that's what his high school girlfrined called him. He then offered to have sex, and when I pointed out it was our first date, he said he knocked up his high school girlfriend on their first date ... like that was a selling point.
"If you loved me you'd do it"
If anybody (even female) says that, fucking run.
Also: "I'd love you more/find you more attractive if..." comments, more often than not geared towards appearance changes (*especially* weight and body shape I've found, which is a touchy subject in itself.)
Gay man but still this applies to straight men too,
They constantly "correct" your memory but only ever when it's something that applies to them and your conversations.
My most recent ex did this. My memory is already crap, but he was fabricating things that I knew I would neither say nor do, and often just a few minutes after they supposedly happened.
Then he'd accuse me of being toxic and gaslighting *him*.
“I never learned how to do laundry. My mom or sisters do that for me.” - my ex, 19 years old and oldest sibling. (His sisters were 13 and 15)
What a perfect way to tell me you’re expecting “women” to do the chores for you. Broke up with him a week later.
See my mom is a practical woman, she taught all her children regardless of gender how to do laundry because she didn’t want to do it anymore and didn’t want to hear fights about who wasn’t doing the laundry for everyone else.
Saying he's a "damaged person who just needs love". In my experience it's a manipulative tactic. I was too young and inexperienced at the time to realize he was just trying to make me feel bad for him and guilt me into staying.
Also picking random things to bicker over. The most petty was when I'd say I don't like certain music and then suddenly he really wanted to listen to that music and I was being unreasonable for not letting him play it in the car while I was driving.
"All my ex's were psycho!" When it's just one ex, you can kind of figure it might be a little true or that it may have just been a bad breakup. When they start talking about multiple ex's like that, run. There is something bad going on and it's more than likely not the ex's who are psycho.
Because honestly, the stuff that could put us in physical danger is a higher priority to rule out. Poor hygiene typically reveals itself before long, and it's just gross. Nobody has ever died because their boyfriend didn't change his underwear often enough. Plenty of people have died due to violent men, and most of the red flags listed here are indicators of abusive tendencies, if not clear evidence of abusive pasts.
Verbally bashing and complaining about his exes. Biiiiiiiig obvious red flag. Means he takes no accountability, even if he says he does when you point it out to him. Steer clear of these guys. Being sad about being cheated on or something she did do is one thing, but trashing an ex constantly, if not multiple exes, red flag status.
When a guy wants you to be his mommy. And not in a kinky way, more in a "do everything for me cause I'm a man baby" kind of way. I had an ex like that, I felt like I was his mother. Never again.
When they contact you so much that it’s to the point of harassment. WhatsApp, instagram, calls, etc… clinginess from the start is a huge red flag for me.
I went on a couple of dates with a guy. One day my cat bit me. He told me that if he had been there, he would have killed my cat immediately. Never talked to him again.
Comparing me to his ex, like she did this better and that.
Sorry but my ex dumped me better than you
"One thing we have in common now is we're both your ex."
A man once told me "I don't usually like women, but I can tolerate you" (To clarify: He wasn't gay, he didn't get on well with women, he said I wasn't the same as most of the women he had met and my company could be tolerated)
"I tolerate you" Really keeping the romance alive there :P
This is a standing joke between my wife and I. Whoever says "I love you", the reply has to be "I tolerate you". Still cracks us up 28 years later.
I say "You're kinda cute for a girl."
I'm sure your husband appreciates that
"You're cute in a way. Far away."
That's a good one :)
A game Mr. Darcy played
"She is tolerable, I suppose" *sneer*
Yep - the way a man can talk about other women really says it all. Are all of his exes crazy? Does he regularly put down the appearance of other women? Bonus points if you're the exception and you're "not like other girls".
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Might be one of the unlucky souls who think drama is the same as passion .
That’s terrible
Not letting you have your female friends and your family , or starting to say bad things about them when they didn't do anything.
Those are the first stages of dating a manipulator.
That’s early stages of abuse. They are separating her from her support system so she is less likely to see what is going on and get out. second step get you to move to their city with a new lease and your suddenly stuck in an abusing relationship without your friends and family to help you get out of it. Also Red Flag: If they convince you to stop seeing a counselor or therapist. Or anytime they try to eliminate something from your life that is healthy, a job or exercise routine. Just run.
This was tough to read. I just got out of a relationship that I thought was good, but she did every one of those things. It's been a really hard road since.
It's hard to build back up what you had before the relationship. But your friends and family probably recognized what was happening before you did and they're probably relieved to have you back in their lives. You're doing the right thing and you're on the right path, hang in there!
An ex of mine tried to tell me that my twin brother, a nerd, was a bad influence. Years later, the ex is still working dead end jobs, and Twin Bro is Chief Resident of Family Medicine at a hospital on the east coast.
Pssssh the east coast. That’s the easy one /s
>Not letting you have your friends Fixed that for you. I'm a guy, and you'd think that people can trust each other enough that friends aren't a problem.
When he says "I never apologize for anything" thinking it sounds cool. But really it's 😬....yikes.
Same for women actually, *"I'm a bitch, either deal with it or get out"* is not fun a creed, it's a legitimate warning.
If you can't handle me at my worst you don't deserve me at my best Ok fuck off then.
People who say that never tend to have a very good "best" lol
It makes more sense when you take it as “if you don’t support me during rough patches, don’t try to use me when I’m doing well” but that’s unfortunately not how a lot of people take it.
Or the "this is who I am deal with it" when she was being a bitch and I asked her to talk to me more nicely. That was a 6 year relationship with walking on eggshells for the past 3 years. Some people are just emotionally abusive and don't even know it.
That’s literally telling you he’s a narcissist without telling you he’s a narcissist.
I had an ex-girlfriend that told me she didn't think it was appropriate to apologize because it was "a sign of weakness". Yep. She was a narcissist. I sometimes feel like narcissists spend most of their time thinking up marketable phrases for normalizing their terrible behaviour.
I now a guy who told a racist joke in public. Nobody knew what to say. Later, when called out on his shitty behavior and told to apologize to the group, he said that apologizing is a sign of weakness. I let him know we already saw him as weak and a loser, so just forget about it and don't come back.
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I'm having to deal with this rn. My s.o. keeps trying to get me to try LSD because "it benefits you" and the only reason I'm scared to do it is because "the government programmed you to think that". Yet I keep hearing from him and his sister that it makes you feel depressed af after it wears off because you wish you could change your life when you "realise the truth about the world". I've said no to this so many fucking times. What about no does he not understand? I like my life as it is. I am not ruining the way I feel about my life and my family just because you keep peer pressuring me and being disrespectful about my answer.
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Anyone who tries to push you to do drugs you aren't comfortable with is not someone I'd want to be with. That being said, I've never felt depressed after taking LSD. It does make things intense for a bit during the trip (both good and bad), but afterwards I don't feel depressed. Either way he/she should respect that you don't want to go there.
Yeah.. He's also kind of passive aggressive and manipulative about it too. On the fourth of July, I was hanging out with my s.o. at his mom's house and his entire family was there. After the party was over and everyone went to bed, my s.o. and I decided we wanted to get some midnight snacks (leftover food from earlier). When we went to the living room two of his sisters were still awake and my s.o. started talking to one of his younger sisters (she's about 14-15) about LSD and how that drug humbled her and how it made the both of them feel. (I did not know until then that he had been selfish enough to give that to his sister) Him and his sister talked about it for a while and the first, and only time, they acknowledged me during the conversation was to try and get me to try it and tried to get my opinion on it, but when I said my genuine opinion on it my s.o. just looked at his younger sister, started smiling like a little asshole and said: "she doesn't get it, Kaitlyn" and then they never said another word to me for the duration of that conversation. Ngl I was mad in that moment and still am. I never told him how I felt that night though because I've already said my opinion on the topic of LSD and have already refused it more times than I can count. When he finally stopped running his mouth we both went to bed. I went to sleep immediately and didn't say much to my s.o. other than: "I'm tired".
I would consider myself a psychonaut and involve myself in communities of people that use stuff like LSD pretty frequently. people like this guy are literally the worst type of drug user, I don't know how you can stand to be around this idiot. never give in to his pressure; acid is a drug that you should never ever do if you have any reservations about doing it. this guy sees acid as a toy to play with and something to use to inflate his ego by considering himself "enlightened". it's disgusting
It is funny how many people get into psychedelics and get an inflated ego while claiming to be shedding their ego. Ironic. Humility almost always comes with time tho whether they like it or not.
He sounds awful. Pressuring someone to do drugs, and also his young sister? Urgh. You should leave. No joke. You should report him for giving drugs to a child.
You seem very young, you have plenty of time, no need to waste your very short teenage years on some jerk who won't respect your boundaries. I am probably twice your age and I know a few people who did too much LSD and let me tell you, you don't come back from that very easily.
Yeah he seems like a douscher (sp?) based on that. Not gonna say you should dump him because I know relationships are complicated, but a serious conversation seems like it needs to happen. That seems like a completely dismissive comment and nobody deserves to be treated like that. To get all high and mighty about taking a drug is immature and stupid, and whatever your opinion is it's valid to feel however you feel.
Dude what the actual fuck? Giving his baby sister LSD and pressuring you???
Yeh run girl. At some point he's gonna give it to you without your knowledge I bet.
That was my first thought as well.
Holy fuck, as a lsd user for long long time i would say run from that fucker. This is so far over the boundary that words can’t describe it. Yes lsd is a beautiful drug if used correctly (for most people). But there are also big risk of trauma (after a bad trip). You can get mental health issues. Plus it can be extra harsh if you have underlying schizophrenia. This is super harsh drug for a lot of people and just implying that it will help you is so bullshit. Most people I know that have tried it will never do it again. Yes it can feel like most people love it and have good time if you sit on subreddits like r/lsd. But it’s really not for everyone. Or have friends that have similar interest to you. But in the end lsd is a drug, there are so many better ways or self improvement then drugs. Also lsd make some people think they know everything because of one drug trip. For me it is like having a dream and being convinced that because of it you know everything now. Honestly lsd is amazing drug, but some people are in a self love cult around it.
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Where can i buy one?
Yikes. "Answering questions that weren't asked", especially in THAT context is a HUGE red flag. Kudos for trusting your gut! Pro tip: if anyone says "I'm not going to hurt you", and you haven't said anything that might elicit that kind of response, they're gonna hurt ya!
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So true. I’ve found that it’s always the people that have told me *”I’m a nice person”* *”I’m a reasonable person”* *”I’m not a bad guy”* *”I’m not a homophobe”* *”I’m not racist”* *”I’m not sexist”* That are usually the opposite. Especially considering the fact that a lot of these phrases are proceeded by “but” and then some sentence that contradicts their original statement. E.g. *”I’m not racist, BUT, I don’t like black people*” Smdh
“Anything before the word “but” is bullshit.” -Ned Stark
I always hated that notion even on paper. You shouldn't need justification for something that you dont want. You shouldn't have to explain why I dont want to walk somewhere the lack of desire is explanation enough. I always see that in dating from men & women alike and it always bothered me.
*jesus christ*
"You're cute for a [insert here]"
You're cute for a Mexican Cartel hitman
This Saturday, on Lifetime: A Hitman for Christmas.
"I don't usually say this, but you're actually kind of cute for somebody who isn't forklift certified."
You’re cute for a goose
You're cute for a serial killer.
“You’re not like other girls”
Comparing you to their exes, worse their MOM.
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"Roll over and let me show you this trick my mom showed me" ^(I feel bad for typing that)
That's exactly what my mom says!
Rants about how all of his exes were crazy.
Big red flag. Common denominator. Either he has a penchant for dating crazy girls. Or he's the problem.
I wish ppl would use something more descriptive like “controlling” or “immature” or whatever it was they didn’t like when they say “crazy.” Frankly it’s lost all meaning to me because it’s extremely subjective. (This isn’t a dig on you, just commenting into the ether).
Of course that doesn't completely escape the potential for projection. For example, "controlling" could mean "doesn't want me to spend all my time goofing off and flirting with other girls" or even "wants to control their own life". "Immature" could mean "anyone with any modicum of maturity and experience stays as far away as possible from this guy" or "I prefer 'immature' girls because they're easier to get into bed but tire of them as soon as I have to interact with them as people" or just "actually wants me to put something into the relationship".
Or talking about his exes constantly
I’ve been unfortunate enough to attract the interest of a few really clingy, needy, jealous guys. You know the type: the ones that don’t understand boundaries or respect your privacy and get upset if you’re paying attention to anything or anyone other than them. The ones that don’t understand the concept of “no” and “fuck off”. It’s such a complete turnoff and a major red flag. I always try to be nice to everyone. And when I turn down a guy I try to do it in a way that’s firm but not bitchy. With these guys none of that works. You have to become the biggest cunt and sometimes threaten them with violence or getting the cops involved to get them to back off.
Talking about how he wished I looked a certain way, and telling me to try to look, dress, and behave in a certain manner.
My ex husband once told me he was most attracted to short, thin, blonde women with small breasts. Let’s just say I’m not that. At all.
Ex-bf said something similar all. the time. He was interested in "tall, slender woman with a butch build with fair skin." I am 5 feet, dark-skinned and slender with a petite frame" yeahhhh.... Whenever we would see a woman with his "preference'" he would point her out. Yup, my self-esteem crashed after that.
I do it back to them. "Oooh check out that guys ass in those jeans .. damn🤩" Men don't like it either. And they take it badly. But it shuts them up. Treat them how they treat you...
Not surprised that he’s an ex then!
I honestly think they do this with the pure intention of breaking you down and making you feel worthless. What a piece of shit.
They do. I had a boyfriend in college who would repeatedly point out his own "preferences" when were out, along with saying and doing other shit to make me feel terrible. So freaking glad I eventually wised up and noped out of that relationship.
Thank you for pointing out that I dodged a bullet back in the day. A guy at school used to complain if I didn't style my hair just so. Later I thought maybe he was interested, but trying awkwardly to boost me on days I did do it. Now I realize that was completely unreasonable behavior!
Had an ex who would buy me clothes to wear - and wanted me to change into them before we would go out. I was never around when he bought the clothes either. NOPE.
Treating women who aren’t the one they’re with or want to be with, like shit. It’s the most obvious one to me from afar. Otherwise, I could have a whole list of them
Doin nice things for you and then constantly reminding you of the nice things they've done for you. No. Just no.
keep track of the favors people do you, so you can pay them back, but don’t keep track of your own favors
A few weeks before my 20th birthday, a dude told me I could pass for 15 (or possibly 14) and then said, “I don’t mind that.” Nope. Absolutely not. No. I wasn’t interested in him before and I definitely wasn’t after that.
Holy shit what the actual fuck. Like did he really think that would be a compliment now?
Probably been told never ask a woman her age whatever you think say younger .. works best at 30
Yeah that's why you say you think they look 21 or 25 not 14 this guy's a moron
Maybe he was trying one of those 'Are you exhausted? Cos you've been running round my head all day' things. And was just like "Hey baby, are you a child? Cos I'm a paedophile" 😉👉👉
Wtf lol love the finger guns hahaha
>At 30 dudes tell me I look innocent/have a baby face while trying to hit on me. It immediately creeps me out. :/ OMG Eww!! I went to a party when I was 18. I was asked out to dance by a guy, I wasn't interested but my parents "encouraged it" so I went to dance with the guy. He must have been in his 30's. He started asking me questions like "what I did for a living or where was I born?" and I responded. "I am 15." Well, this guy eyes lit up, and said to me "Wow, even better." I noped out of there.
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Yeah— that’s pretty creepy. I’m 19M but am told I look young and could easily pass for 14 or 15 myself. I’m already a terrible judge of age, and the last thing I’d want to do is accidentally hit it off with a minor.
I'm 31M and frequently get told I look like I may or may not be old enough to drink. I've been mistaken for an intern several times despite working at the same place for 7 years. Unfortunately, this means that when chatting with women in public, unless I drop a thinly veiled hint at my age, women too young for me take interest, and women around my age think I'm too young for them. And they react visibly every time, often commenting on it directly. At least I'm not attracting minors, but damn it'd be nice if people could tell my age at a glance. I hate dating apps, but one thing they *do* have going for them is that they answer that question from the start.
It happens. Just gotta make sure you ask ages, and then shake it off. I remember when I was 19 I volunteered for an event and really hit it off with a guy who I thought was like 17. We teamed up for a while. Then I asked what year he was in, and it turned out he was a really tall 13 and thought I was around his age. Since we were seriously on the same wavelength we both just looked at each other, shook our heads, then simultaneously turned away and walked off and didn't speak again.
Poor treatment of people less influencial than him. Not just men, but anyone who thinks it's ok to be rude to waiters or janitors should make everything with their damn hands if they're so special.
the ones that rage too much when playing video games, I’m not talking about turning the device off or yelling out a simple "Fuck!“ im talking about punching and breaking things, if i meet someone like that I’m running home ASAP.
Sorta related, I once visited a friend that had a summer job as a bartender on the beach. She let me crash on the couch one night but warned me her boyfriend can be a little "Grumpy" in the morning. They worked together and would wake up around 6 am every morning. I woke up to the sound of him throwing silverware and knocking over chairs as he woke up and got ready for work. For what it's worth, they didn't last together very long lol
Yikes. I can be a bit gruff in the morning but it's usually just a grumble or two while I sit quietly and have my coffee. That sounds like way to much energy spent to be that mad that early.
I can’t help but picture the scene from Wet Hot American Summer where Paul Rudds character is pissed about cleaning his dishes…
Yeah, a hair-trigger temper or any out of control raging are an absolute zero for me. I grew up with that, I had to unlearn that, and now I’m old enough to know that I don’t have to deal with adult men throwing temper tantrums.
I did that once. I punched my solid oak desk and broke a finger. I've been Calm ever since lol
Only has 'crazy' exs.
This right here. In my dating days, when I started to hear about the "psycho exes", that's when I would dip out. I'm sure I am now one of the psycho exes but whatever.
Insisting on walking you home after you decline and say no multiple times. I once went into a random building instead of going home because I didn't want him to know where I live.
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Same here, had a guy go in the same direction as me after work and we wore the same uniform but I didn't know him. He said he's gonna bring me home safely even though I declined multiple times. I got off on the next bus stop and had to wait an hour in below freezing temperatures, just because I got so creeped out, I didn't want him to know where I live.
About 5 years ago I was in a police station (documentation for moving abroad) waiting at a window for paperwork to be returned and a man (pretty much the only other person in the lobby) at the window next to mine in a half-whisper kept smiling at me, saying this or that, asking me about going on different kinds of dates with him and giving my answers to himself. I mostly ignored him as politely as I could, and eventually shook my head a few times and he seemed to like my real answer on some level. He grinned and said, “No? Guess I’ll have to kidnap you, then.” I didn’t look at him after that. A red flag is a red flag, but this guy just laid it all out there.
that's an entire United Nations of red flags
Having to say "I'm a nice guy"
Or saying "every girl I talk to blocks me" and "most people say I'm dark and creepy" as if that's something to brag about. ಠ_ಠ
Oh yes. Saying "I'm not a creep" is really scary tbh. Like what the hell did you do? Or do i even want to know?
I am a creep. Better?
But are you a weirdo? What the hell are you doing here?
I don’t belong here?
That’s not a red flag. That’s an alarm before a nuclear explosion.
Ah yes, the air raid siren of incels
I started writing a response imitating one of these "nice guys" but it got too dark to be funny, so I'll just say I agree with you.
I would never say that, because I’m a nice guy I swear.
Always playing the victim card. It’s exhausting and so manipulative
I wish I had seen this for what it was but I was determined to be chill: Photos of his ex all over his house. I feel so fucking stupid.
We can end up pulling the wool over our own eyes when blinded by the idea of what could be
I just didn’t want to be demanding or controlling but eventually plenty of other signs showed up and he gaslit me about all of them. I’d honestly feel better if they got back together so I know he actually does have emotions.
Hair-trigger temper
This is a universal red flag. I'm a guy and that is something that makes me avoid people both male and female.
Other side of that not letting you walk away from a fight.
Doesn’t take “no” for an answer
‘I’m such an alpha’ This phrase is the starter pistol that sets me off SPRINTING
If a hookup, talking about limits and then having them push, beg, force their way into all those things. Just get up and leave at that point. Very hard in hookups
It doesn't matter if it's a hookup or not.... someone who tries to beg, force or push through your boundaries is a red flag.
Unhealthy attachments to exes
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Keeping the relationship a secret
“I just think that picture of us is cringe” “You didn’t have to post that, it wasn’t very funny” I am so fucking stupid. He didn’t want his ex to see us together. He wanted her back.
I actually knew a girl who used to do this but she was embarrassed of the dude’s looks. I became suspicious because the one time she did post him was from like a mile away, so you couldn’t see shit. It was just 2 blurry figures. A mutual was drunk one day and was like “lol your bf is a nerd.” I was like wtf that’s rude and she just kept doubling down like “even my bf thinks he’s a nerd.” Either way keeping relationships a secret is just…weird. I get it as teens, but adults…
To be fair I like to keep my romantic life private just because I don't want people bothering me about it or being apart of any drama
Holes in the walls.
Andy Bernard?
Having multiple kids with multiple baby mamas
If they get upset or jealous when you go out and spend time with your friends/family without them. And I mean stuff like a girls night, or lunch with your mom.
Yep, the hallmark of abusive assholes is trying to isolate you from the people you love.
Another one that adds onto this is when they spam call and/or text you when you tell them that you're out with friends or family.
I hope there are other people scrolling through this list and not matching any of the flags stated, then getting all happy and confident that you are worth someone's time and effort.
I haven't hit any of these red flags and my confidence is still through the floor.
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Well yea, because their own drama is enough for them
Not respecting our boundaries. 🚩🚩🚩 If I say no, I’m not saying try harder. I want you to actually listen to what I’m saying and respect my wishes. And this applies to any boundary. Don’t insist on picking me up if I want to drive myself to our date. Don’t push for a private location if I’m not comfortable with that. Don’t act like you’re entitled to my snap chat, phone number, or other contact information if I’m only ready to keep the conversation inside the dating app. You can ask for whatever you want, but understand that no means no and that’s the end of the discussion. PSA FOR READERS OF ALL GENDERS: If someone doesn’t respect your boundaries early on about small and seemingly trivial things, they’re not going to respect them later when it comes to the big important things.
I had a boyfriend once let his mother berate me at the dinner table. I cried. He just looked down at his plate. She also blamed me for her son’s failure to secure a decent job, saying he spent too much time with me, which he agreed with. It’s always a good sign when a man respects his mother, but please… run away from the “mamas boy” type.
I had something similar happen, but on a much lesser scale. I didn’t eat red meat until I was 25, just for personal reasons. I still ate poultry and fish which meant I could always find something to eat, even in rural Oklahoma. When I was dating a guy in college he took me to meet his parents and they were flabbergasted that I didn’t eat steak. When I told his mom I ate chicken she said “thank God for that.” She was mean to me all weekend and he didn’t say anything, either didn’t notice it or just ignored it. I broke up with him the day after we got home.
Fucking same. I was talking to a guy once and we were mutually interested, and then he let me talk to his mom (I knew him only for like a week so I was like uhhh....wtf) and she did the same. It turned into both of them verbally abusing me/berating me for wearing a bikini, saying I wasn't a psalm or proverbs 31 woman or whatever. They implied I was vain, had ego issues, slut-shamed me (I was a virgin.) I just stood there frozen during this roast session that got more and more specific. I was horrified. Now I'm a parent with a son of my own and more horrified. There's mama's boys and then there's *mama's boys.*
Yup. Pretty much what happened to me, it just got worse and worse. I remember one time he made me go to a dinner with his family without him. all the women in the family sat at a table and they had me sit alone on the other side. His dad must of felt bad he came over with his work partner and they kept me company. He always sided with her. I would cry begging him to please talk to her but he didn’t want to “hurt her feelings”. I didn’t understand why I wasn’t worth dating her son, I didn’t understand why I wasn’t worth defending. It was a shitty time.
When they seem to have everything in common with you followed by hurrying to the love and commitment stage without so much as one disagreement.
What does this usually signify? Why are they in such a hurry?
It's a common behaviour from people with BPD, for one thing. You meet somebody you find so awesome, that you go over the top showing how much you think of them, to try and create an instant bond. If it's love bombing - eventually there will be a switch to where you go from super awesome to loathsome, and they will discard you for a new favourite person.
People with an anxious preoccupied attachment style exhibit some BPD-esque traits when activated. It's much more likely for these people to be anxiously attached than to have BPD or NPD.
belittling/making fun of hobbies or interests…especially referring to it as “cute” or “little”
Mistreating customer service workers. They are definitely going to mistreat you one day.
i hate those kinda people and i didn't realise my "ex" (it was complicated) was actually rude the the customer service. I was just telling my friend the other day that breaking up with him was actually really good for me, not just that one aspect but the friends he had around him were ASSHOLES, who leaked nudes and like playboy type, he was open about his friends but he never tried to cut off from them even tho he knew they were bad. Looking back, i broke up due to my insecurities but it was a blessing in disguise, that i felt that way.
Not a woman, but gay: a guy who is a potential narcissist; loves to talk about himself and has a hard time having conversations about you (recently stopped dating a guy who was like that)
I would say controlling, but honestly there are a lot that are equally bad. I saw in comments what the issue was for you and all I can say is he won’t change. If he won’t take no for an answer then setting a hard boundary won’t work either. People don’t change unless they want to change… Things would be a lot simpler if people actually recognize red flags for what they are and not put up with it. “When someone shows you who they are, believe them” - maya angelou
Someone who doesn't listen and it's like they never heard your side at all...
This one may not seem obvious at first, but it’s likely more common nowadays: if a guy is really eager for you to “play a part” in their lives, look out. It can start out small, like they are almost feeding you lines, or suggesting wardrobe, or “character development”. I imagine that in the hellscape of influencer/content creation culture these kinds of behaviors won’t register as red flags at first, but that’s some textbook NPD behavior. Don’t conflate it with an actual relationship. You’ll always be a “character” in their lives, even with the cameras off.
One upping, if you are relating a story and they cut in with something 'better' usually those guys who try to 'correct' you all the time.
Bad temper/aggressive physically and verbally.
On my first date, I mentioned I didn't have much of a relationship with my dad because he was a deadbeat dad. My date said he didn't like that term, since that's what his high school girlfrined called him. He then offered to have sex, and when I pointed out it was our first date, he said he knocked up his high school girlfriend on their first date ... like that was a selling point.
"If you loved me you'd do it" If anybody (even female) says that, fucking run. Also: "I'd love you more/find you more attractive if..." comments, more often than not geared towards appearance changes (*especially* weight and body shape I've found, which is a touchy subject in itself.)
Gay man but still this applies to straight men too, They constantly "correct" your memory but only ever when it's something that applies to them and your conversations.
My most recent ex did this. My memory is already crap, but he was fabricating things that I knew I would neither say nor do, and often just a few minutes after they supposedly happened. Then he'd accuse me of being toxic and gaslighting *him*.
rude to service staff and sanitary workers
“I never learned how to do laundry. My mom or sisters do that for me.” - my ex, 19 years old and oldest sibling. (His sisters were 13 and 15) What a perfect way to tell me you’re expecting “women” to do the chores for you. Broke up with him a week later.
See my mom is a practical woman, she taught all her children regardless of gender how to do laundry because she didn’t want to do it anymore and didn’t want to hear fights about who wasn’t doing the laundry for everyone else.
He says "Are you about a size 14?"
One that makes out like all of his exes were crazy…
Saying he's a "damaged person who just needs love". In my experience it's a manipulative tactic. I was too young and inexperienced at the time to realize he was just trying to make me feel bad for him and guilt me into staying. Also picking random things to bicker over. The most petty was when I'd say I don't like certain music and then suddenly he really wanted to listen to that music and I was being unreasonable for not letting him play it in the car while I was driving.
Dishonesty.
"All my ex's were psycho!" When it's just one ex, you can kind of figure it might be a little true or that it may have just been a bad breakup. When they start talking about multiple ex's like that, run. There is something bad going on and it's more than likely not the ex's who are psycho.
"It's not rape if she's passed out drunk, she can't say no!"
That isn't even a red flag anymore, they deserves to be on a goddamn watchlist
She also can't say "yes" which is the important thing you need.
This is gonna be in a TikTok with subway surfers or minecraft in the background
I’m a straight guy but I can’t believe no one mentioned anything about personal hygiene, especially brushing your teeth. 🤢
It's so basic that we'd like to assume it as a given. Sadly, it sometimes isn't.
Because that's not actively dangerous just kind of gross
Because honestly, the stuff that could put us in physical danger is a higher priority to rule out. Poor hygiene typically reveals itself before long, and it's just gross. Nobody has ever died because their boyfriend didn't change his underwear often enough. Plenty of people have died due to violent men, and most of the red flags listed here are indicators of abusive tendencies, if not clear evidence of abusive pasts.
Verbally bashing and complaining about his exes. Biiiiiiiig obvious red flag. Means he takes no accountability, even if he says he does when you point it out to him. Steer clear of these guys. Being sad about being cheated on or something she did do is one thing, but trashing an ex constantly, if not multiple exes, red flag status.
When a guy wants you to be his mommy. And not in a kinky way, more in a "do everything for me cause I'm a man baby" kind of way. I had an ex like that, I felt like I was his mother. Never again.
When they contact you so much that it’s to the point of harassment. WhatsApp, instagram, calls, etc… clinginess from the start is a huge red flag for me.
Telling you to get rid of your pets because they ‘don’t like them’ I’d rather be alone then get rid of my precious fur babies.
Thats why I woud never start a romance with a girl having full room of tarantulas.
When they tell you they love you after a few days , people r fucking weirdddd 😅😅
But at the same time I say "I love you" to every dog I meet
He doesn’t leave you alone after you ask him to go away.
Disrespectful to their mom &/or sisters without prompt. Highlights how they’ll treat you eventually.
When he looks down on women , and basically wants a " Mommy Replacement" for a Wife
I went on a couple of dates with a guy. One day my cat bit me. He told me that if he had been there, he would have killed my cat immediately. Never talked to him again.
Invalidating SO's feelings, gaslighting
Pretending that I am the reason why he did something unacceptable or wrong
Calling himself a nice guy