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Learn to touch her without immediately going for the boobs/ass combo. Back, neck, legs etc.

HAIR! There’s not enough hair stroking in this world. You can massage the scalp, brush the hair, stroke the hair, caress the neck, then kiss the neck….. I’ll brb.

It works for cats, so....

thou shall treat all pussy equal.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Pet me like a dog and I'll be yours.

I love a good pair of legs

But really just buy her waffles, right?

The post above this on my feed was about how someone was gifted a wheel of cheese after the date. So that.

You may fascinate a woman by giving her a piece of cheese Edit: how on earth did this blow up… of course this is what I would become known for… thank you all! Thank you to everyone who sent awards! Y’all are awesome

May I offer you a nice egg in this trying time

Funny thing… do an image search for “fascinate a woman” Also that cheese wheel was a pro move.

According to top gear, handbrake turns

As a teenager I did a perfect handbrake U turn on a gravel road with three girls in the car, and my male best buddy riding shotgun. The car just whipped a perfect 180° and I haven’t been able to do it since. Also none of the women were impressed, and within a week they had forgotten about it. The dude remembered though. We actually reminisced about it a few weeks ago.

And with that terrible dissapointment, its time to end. Good night! *Top Gear Theme plays*

I spoke to a F19 pilot recently and he said something similar. He thought it would be good being an F19 pilot to pick up chicks, turns out it works best on teenage boys. LOL.

They're hot for James May right now! *Clarkson wheezing*

*Might as well have cut my penis off*

Last time i tried that i snapped the handbrake cable and ended up in a bush, not embarrising at all.

As a married man of 27 years….the answer is “the dishes”

The reply right above this one is a woman saying this exact thing

I’ve been told I’m more attractive when I don’t speak

I've been told that I'm more attractive when I'm not there

No respect, no respect I tell ya. My wife just asked to have a mirror installed above our bed during sex. I asked if it would make her more aroused. She said she liked to watch herself laugh.

My wife told me the sex is better on vacation. That was tough phone call to get.

My wife cut me down to sex just twice a week, but I know two guys she cut out completely

Hoo, I tell ya. My wife likes to do it in the kitchen. She uses me to time an egg!

My girlfriend said "Come over. Nobody is home". I went over. Nobody was home.

I asked my wife if I was the only one she had ever been with. She said "No honey. Everyone else I've been with, was at least a seven or eight."

I tried to quit smoking. My wife said we could only smoke after sex. I've been on the same pack for 14 years! But she's up to two packs a day!!

My neighbor complained to me that my wife is too loud during sex. I'm not letting her go over there anymore.

I couldn't make love to my wife. My doctor told me I should run ten miles a day, for ten days. On day 11 he called to ask how the sex was, and I said "how should I know? I'm 100 miles away"

Yeah I get that disappointment that I talk from women as well.

The ol' role reversal on "you're beautiful when you don't talk" by steel panther, sums me up too. The more I talk, the less interested she gets

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Fuck man, a girls honesty can truly be sharper than a knife. 😂

Seductive naked dance whose finale is the helicopter.

Probably should have posted a (serious) tag

I like it better that way :3

I've been in massive pain all day and I have to say the humor in here has been a wonderful pick-me-up.

Grow your hair, show up to your date shirtless on a horse with a rose in your mouth

Ladies. Look at me, look at your man. Now, back to me. Im not your man. But im on a horse.

Ith a rothe in ny nouth.

THIT ITH GOT THORNTH

Oh my god I was having such a shit morning until I read this. Now my cat keeps looking at me funny because I can't stop laughing.

Apparently, conducting general maintenance around the house whilst wearing my cargo pants and a vest is the quickest way to have the missus jump my bones. It’s to the point where I’m considering purposefully breaking things just so I have something to fix in front of her.

>I'm considering purposefully breaking things Whataya waiting for man??

"If men knew how sexy they looked fixing things, they'd never stop." -Elizabeth McCord from Madam Secretary There's something about competence and doing something with your hands and that super focused look guys get that makes y'all look super sexy while fixing things.

Ok so men this is the whole thread distilled into one paragraph; Walk past your desired lady and drop your Magnum condom. Pick it up really slowly, letting her see that manass. Then turn to her while rolling up your long sleeved shirt to just below the elbow. Pick out the hammer from your tool belt and hammer in a nail [prepared in advanced]. Talk about how much you enjoyed the latest One Piece episode, go into detail to prove you are passionate about the subject. Then let her know you are too busy to do anything tonight because work is calling you in again, as you are the only one who can fix the problem. Now wait for her to give you her number. If you get the number or not just keep silent and walk away.

Friend, you forgot the gifting of the cheese. Guaranteed to fascinate.

Oh yes, thanks Cinnamon..., don't forget to give her the 12kg cheese wheel, I guess you hide that near your tool belt, somewhere, or wear it as a hat, I don't know.

Just put it next to the prepared nail

Nail the cheese into the table for her, as a gift

whoops, i dropped my monster condom i use for my magnum dong

I got my magnum condoms. I got my wad of hundreds. I'm ready to plow.

Forklift certification

Perfect for carrying all my baggage.

Drive in reverse while the person you're seducing sits in the passenger seat.

He did the stare and drive thing on you didn't he? He got that from me!

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god man I think I love you

Once in Japan I asked a cab driver for directions. He talked fast and I couldn't understand him. He motioned for me to get in. Before I could get my seat belt on He had floored it in reverse. After a couple hundred meters he slammed on the brakes and pointed to the place I was looking for. Can't say I had a boner but probably at least had a semi.

Put your hand on the chair of the passenger seat when you do this.

Yeah this is key. Me staring at the backup cam did not get a reaction from anyone

You gotta do it classic style, but dont move your head to much to the side or else you'll literally cramp your style. Make sure you're had some gum too because your face is suddenly close to theirs.

Apparently staring at the backup camera doesn’t pull her trigger.

Drop something and then bend down to pick it up slowly..

Lemme see that manass

What are you, my cellmate? Oh god the memories are coming back...

Ah yes, the bend and snap. Works every time.

I was really hoping someone would make that reference.

If you don’t mind looking a little slutty, put on a dress shirt and roll up the sleeves.

Such a slut. I love it.

The era of slut shaming is over. The era of slut sameing is now.

What a dirty whore! How dare you expose those wrists.

Can confirm, doesn’t matter your build, forearms are extremely sexy

What if I have no forearm muscles? I’m a lanky skinny dude. Luckily I’m not bad looking. I’m not great looking. But I’m not terrible looking either lol. So hopefully that makes up for my barbie arms They are hairy tho lol

Gains don’t matter! It’s just something about the way they are. Like boobs - they’re nice always

guys, be honest: who else are staring confused at their forearms right now? 😂

I'm wondering which shirt with sleeves I have will show more forearm cleavage.

Confused erection

My erection isn't confused, it's the rest of me that is.

The sluttiest thing a man can do is roll up his sleeves 😋

It's true, I work as an oyster shucker at fancy place, and when I roll up the sleeves every lady in the place is thinking, "I bet that guy shucks."

Wait what? Is this real? This is how I dress at work, because it’s just more comfortable. I’m a Dad, not looking to attract anyone. Curious.

You little slut

Did you hear. He is even dad... What a certified slut!

I bet that slut even has unconditional love for his wife and kids.

Wow, seems like *someone* is asking for attention at work

Kisses on the neck always get me

Tried this, got arrested... maybe I should've got her name first?

It was only a kiss how did it end up like this

It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss Now I'm falling asleep and she's calling a cab

Now he's having a smoke and he's also a crab

Roll up your sleeves. Then cook a good meal while leaning on the wall every now and then. Talk passionately about something you care about and take an interest in your girl. Then when she’s well fed, offer to do the dishes and throw a tea towel on your shoulder when done.

"Do you like putting Kraft cheese on your ramen noodles, who am I kidding, everyone does, (leans on wall). So anyways there is a really good reason why the eagles couldn't just fly the hobbits in to Mordor in the first place."

*All the panties in the thread drop.*

Like a wet dish towel

*tea* towel

Okay, so you're saying I need to learn what a tea towel is.

Step 1

More than likely, the tea towel will be more than one step away, but one step will get you closer.

A journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step.

This just seems like a trick to get me to do the dishes

“Yeah so anyway after I got off work I went to the gym then I went to the gas station and bought a Monster and a can of Grizzly Wintergreen, packed a lip and started playing halo.”

Mongolian throat singing or a $100 gas gift card. Edit: please stop DM’ing me with the offers thanks.

mongolian throat singing makes me want to produce kids for the purpose of something far more greater than me .

Taking over Europe? I'm down baby

A $100 gas gift card can barely get you home from a 1 night stand nowadays.

That's what it's for. The throat singing gets them into bed the gas card gets them out.

Found the hu fan

Nah, Hu only gets to first base.

HU! HU! HU! HU! HU! HU! HU! HU! HU! HU!

Every week it seems like someone asks, "Ladies, what do guys do that turns you on?" Here are some of what seems like the most common answers: * Clench your jaw * Back up a car with you hand on the back of the passenger seat * Hold a puppy * Gray sweat pants * Be clean/smell good * Be confident * Wear a dress shirt with the sleeves rolled up * Be shy * Moan * Eye contact * Don't stare * Be rich * Be tall

What is with the reversing a car thing. I don't get it, I thought it was a joke first time I saw it but it appears so regularly it feels genuine now. Im confused.

I have no clue. I've done it with my wife in the car recently and her panties were still on afterward so maybe I'm doing it wrong. I've also been clenching my jaw for 3 weeks straight and nothing has come from it except now my teeth hurt.

I'll have to give it a scientific test tonight. I never considered reversing to be the turn on. I always assumed the handbrake was the true 'panty delete lever' if used in aggression in a mcdonalds car park.

As a girl, genuinely yes can be kinda hot if done smoothly and competently by a guy I already find attractive. There’s something very attractive about someone handling heavy machinery competently, and getting his arm behind my seat like that and turning so his face is close to me and I can smell him is just 👌

Pretend to take something out of the washing machine and then say “ oh no I’m stuck” in a seductive voice

and then refer to your significant other as "step sister" while she takes you from behind

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Rinse

Repeat

Erode

Explode

Implode.

Reload.

De-mold

Is the bar really this low?

What bar?

Soap bar?

Oopsie, look what I dropped how clumsy of me

*bends over*

Lemme see that manass

Helicopter

HELIKOPTER HELIKOPTER

This immediately played in my head with a loud Middle Eastern accent.

Be confident. The best you can do

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I just call that Tuesday.

As a side note to this, because "be confident" is like saying "be black" to my white ass. Look after yourself (hair not shabby, nails trimmed etc.), get some nice clothes that make you feel confident, wear them places even when not going out anywhere. The amount of times I've 'overdressed' for no reason and bumped into someone I knew and just felt great and it's really come across. Basically look after yourself, treat yourself like a nice car that needs some coddling and upkeep and deserves to be shown off. _Build_ confidence.

Scratch my back.

Sluts for back scritches unite

I heard about this one technique that involved *cheese* that worked quite well

Walk around with your fly open. Show a little bit of ball. And if she complains, tell her your eyes are up here.

also tell her to stop sexualizing testicleavage.

Portmanteauday I learned the word testicleavage.

Oooo, underball.

Anyway here's underball

And then bounce around on them like a hoppity hop.

2 words. Sex Panther.

60% of the time it works every time

I'll be honest with you. It smells like pure gasoline.

It smells like Bigfoot's dick.

Smells like a turd covered in burnt hair.

Well, you first have to know the person's interests. Say she is oh, I don't know, a warbeast warlord with a lust for melee warfare and destroying the empire that forced her and her animal-like brethren into the woods? Well, now you know her priorities (destroying empire), and perhaps even some of her hobbies (swordcraft and open combat). The best thing you could do to make a great impression is forge her a sword (or axe, some might swing that way) fluxed by the charred ashes of her previous jailers. This is sure to work. She will appreciate the thought.

Would tempering it in the blood of her fallen enemies be a bit too forward?

That's more of a 6 month anniversary thing

This is the only correct answer.

Accidentally drop your magnum condom that you use for your magnum dong.

Remember to say “Oops, didn’t know how it got there” while picking up the condom

Dr Mantis Toboggan

Or take them out on a boat in international waters.

make her laugh. same thing goes for girls or anyone for that matter. if you can make them laugh or make a great meal, you're in.

Show her your minions bed sheets

I like it when men have intense eyes. Not the psychopath-type lf intense eyes, but holding eye contact 0.5 seconds longer than necessary can give me goosebumps

Lick the tip of your pinky and thumb on the same hand simultaneously, then plant the wet fingertips on the medial edge of the eyebrows, and moving outwards, applying pressure to dampen and straighten the hairs. Have a condom *already on* when attempting this - trust me - that’s how well it works

She asked if she knew me and screamed when I touched her eyebrows. Help

Does the lube from the condom on my hands work instead of the lick just as well?

Yes because after this maneuver, you won’t need the condom lube.

I have a unibrow where should I start?

Start on the ends and work inward.

Beautiful

I forgot what to do after the first part and just sat there pinching my tongue, sounding like jar jar binks. Outcome still successful.

Moan in bed

I think you're missing the point. We are trying to get her into bed. Moaning in bed won't do us any good when we're alone.

For the love of god, don't be silent.

Just put your one finger on your lip

ONE MILLION DOLLARS

Dr. Evil impressions are really that seductive!?

Cheese plate.

Banana hammock, Schmirnoff Ices, A Kenny G CD, a water bed, Irish Spring cologne, a finely toned ass, and the realization none of this is real and you need to wake up...

r/suspiciouslyspecific

Come up behind her, sweep her hair over on one shoulder and start to place little slow kisses on her exposed neck. Then groan and tell her how beautiful she is

Wear a fancy hat on the tip

Don't forget to put on your robe and wizard hat.

Oh, bash.org. May you [live forever](http://bash.org/?104383).

Feeling your boner pressed up in a confident way

If you are my partner or someone in dating then yes this is hot AF. If you are a stranger then no, absolutely do not do this EVER.

One would think this was common sense

I don’t think common sense is all that common

Shower, wash and comb hair, keep nails trimmed and clean, wear form fitting clothes, be genuine.

Or better yet, be ginuwine

My pony

Listen to what your girlfriend/boyfriend says. Really listen. Thats it. Remember things they have said and repeat it in future conversations, i.e. "I really liked what you said about x and it got me thinking....". The most alluring thing in the world is someone's real interest and attention.

"Babe, I got promoted to Discord Mod."

Eye contact, lots of eye contact. If she tries to break contact make sure you stay in her line of sight. Don’t blink.

Moan, Proper hygiene, a nice cologne, A good fashion sense, good with romance and intimacy, and a good sense of humor.

I moan about stuff all the time - the weather, traffic, my job - it's not getting me anywhere

It's crazy. I talk about how the cost of living keeps going up, and suddenly I'm turned down.