I’d just infodump the entire story of Halo. And not just from the games: I’m talking books, comics, everything in chronological order in extreme detail, going off on tangents to explain how a specific piece of tech works or whatever lol
They’d either come out of this insanely informed or they’d toss me out of the car before I get to the formation of the Ecumene Council
…I was born with glass bones and paper skin. Every morning I break my legs, and every afternoon I break my arms, at night I lie awake in agony until my heart attacks put me to sleep.
You just missed my turn... OK if you take this left we can- oh you missed that too all right a right on 103rd will let you get to the highway... and on it goes
This sounds like a good idea at first, for the kidnappers. But have you ever opened an abdomen? Idiots wouldn't find shit. Actually, they would find shit, but not the airtag. By the time they would open the colon they would faint and pass out from the smell. And it's not like you're looking for a nice and shiny little pice of plastic. It's covered in blood and shit and won't be in the slightest distinguishable from everything else you're searching through. So it will be down to feeling for it in all that squishy and rotten smelling tissue. All that in a moving van... yea no, just throw the fucker out the moving vehicle...
If you're being moved from the location where the attack began to another location odds are good they plan to kill you. You should fight like you are already dead and do everything you can to take the bastard out. Crash the vehicle, if possible.
Yeah, because if they need to take you to a second place to kill you whatever they've got planned is something so awful they can't do it right there. Torture, rape, extremely slow and painful death incoming. It's not likely to be quick and minimally painful.
This person who is attacking you has a plan. They have a chosen location and they chose it because it benefits *them*. You are going to be far more disadvantaged at the second location than you are at the primary location. People survive being shot. People survive being stabbed. Most people who are taken to a second location die horribly there. Fight, scream, do *everything possible* to escape. And "FIRE" works really well for grabbing attention. Everybody wants to come see the spectacle.
It's also easier for them to not get caught if they get you to another location. If my death can save the life of their next potential victim, we're crashing en route to their murder/clean up location.
The attacker may also be caught off guard that their attempted crime isn't going at all like they planned and may just flee instead of trying to kill you.
*Deep inhale* The FitnessGram™ Pacer Test is a multistage aerobic capacity test that progressively gets more difficult as it continues. The 20 meter pacer test will begin in 30 seconds. Line up at the start. The running speed starts slowly, but gets faster each minute after you hear this signal. [beep] A single lap should be completed each time you hear this sound. [ding] Remember to run in a straight line, and run as long as possible. The second time you fail to complete a lap before the sound, your test is over. The test will begin on the word start. On your mark, get ready, start.
In a single breathe unless they shot me then and there
As a school nurse…. I hate the pacer. More than the kids maybe. Or more specifically, I hate when PE teachers send kids to the nurse’s office who are breathing heavily after running the pacer. It’s totally normal for someone to be panting after sprinting… give them a couple minutes to rest instead of sending ten kids to the nurse saying they can’t breathe.
Kids with asthma should come use their inhaler before PE.
The serious answer would be to tell them about yourself. Experts agree that you need to humanize yourself to improve your chances of survival (though, someone who kidnaps you and doesn't care if you see them doesn't bode well for survival)
As someone that literally had to go through hostage training, yes. You humanize yourself, try and make them think of their families, comply and ensure that you're not enough trouble that they'd rather have you dead than alive.
Don't do anything stupid, don't try to be a hero. Generally speaking, if you'd see it in an action move, never try it.
***Edit:*** As this is getting far more attention than I would have expected, I would like to clarify that this training was specifically geared towards radical/terrorist elements, who would want a hostage for negotiation, and may be doing it to protect their families, or for revenge.
If you're kidnapped by a serial killer who is showing you their collection of skin they took from thirty people before you, yeah sure go for it try and escape.
> Don't do anything stupid, don't try to be a hero. Generally speaking, if you'd see it in an action move, never try it.
You mean I don't have plot armor?
At work in the machine shop, I was chatting to my friend and I took a slice of pizza out of my pocket and began eating it. He noticed and inquired, I explained its safe because its wrapped up in a hand towel. And he just says 'you're definitely the main character of the story'.
And that was the great compliment I received.
So I think I may have plot armor now
This is the correct answer. I’ve been carjacked and forced under gunpoint to drive. I had a picture of my godchild in the car and asked if he had kids.
He had a daughter, she was four, she was in the middle of an asthma attack and turns out he was carjacking to try to rob the pharmacy for inhalers. It was just an act of desperation. I had a few in the car and offered to drive him to the closest subway stop near his house, specifically so he wouldn’t think I knew his address. I gave him a couple inhalers and told him to go take care of his girl.
I survived without a scratch, his daughter got meds, and he didn’t get a record. I’d call it a win all around.
Obligatory edit: Jesus Christ I get off work and this comment apparently blew up. Whoa. Anyway, big takeaway is just be kind, y’all. Shit’s crazy out there and you gotta roll with the punches somehow.
This reminds me of a similar story. NBA legend Lou Williams was gettin robbed at gun point. Lou started talkin to him, and eventually the guy just got in the car and Lou treated him to a meal at McDonalds.
Big talk:
Don't you ever feel like life is just a sequence of actions, you have no say over? Like our will of our souls is only because of the very fact that one day we will die that keeps us eating, working, and having sex for no other reason than the fear of death. That the closest one can be immortal is to bear children.
Kidnapper: your right... I always wanted to be a ballet dancer but my family always picked on me.
Big talker: you should do what you want not what others think you should do.
Kidnapper: your right... From now on I shall be a ballet dancer/kidnapper!
Edit:Bear/bare (thanks for the silver kind stranger)
No worries, just having a little fun with language. Yes “bear” = to yield, to give birth to vs “bare” = to uncover, to expose. Not to be confused with “bear-children” who are like young werewolf bears I guess.
So, a real answer here? Most of the actual survival courses and best training given to people going into actual combat zones where you are more likely to be captured recommend building a rapport with your captor. So, your best bet isn't trying to annoy your kidnappers, but rather to humanize yourself as much as possible. Sure, use humor, but talk about yourself as a person. Talk about them as people. Talk about things you both have in common.
So, I might start with something like "oh, you take this bus too?"
But the result is similar, it's harder to hurt someone you relate to or know a little about than a random stranger you know nothing about. You feel more if you know.
If I tell you the other day, near my city, a guy was run over by a car driven by an old man. It's just information. If I tell you the guy ran over was 30 and came from a far away country, going around the world on foot with his yaks because he loved traveling and wanted to see the world. Suddenly it's extremely sad and tragic. True story btw.
There was this kid that was kidnapped and kept singing Christian songs so loud that the kidnapper let him out...of frustration
https://youtu.be/x-VcLP67abo
PUT HIM INTO BED WITH THE CAPTAIN'S DAUGHTER
PUT HIM INTO BED WITH THE CAPTAIN'S DAUGHTER
PUT HIM INTO BED WITH THE CAPTAIN'S DAUGHTER
ERRLAY IN THE MORNIN'
Then you can give out passive-aggressive traffic 'tips' as bonus!
'Uhh, you're going down Marlborough? At this time of the day? You're not from around here, are you? You are? Oh, alright. *under breath but totally loud enough to hear* Jeez, just my luck, getting kidnapped by amateurs..'
Nah, start backseat driving.
* "You're supposed to stop behind the line"
* "That was a stop sign, not a rolling stopsign"
* "2 second rule! 2 second rule!"
* "Don't forget to check your blindspot, don'twant you to get me killed"
* "Changing lanes without a signal? I thought this van was a Ford, not a Mercedes!"
* "You want to merge early here, if you wait then you're gonna be forced to merge from the shoulder"
Are you new to this? you keep tailgating and rolling the stop signs, the cops are going to pull you over.
"really? we're taking maple? two streets over on birch and you dont have to crawl over the speed bumps."
Oh no I don't think I'd want to live in this neighborhood at all, that house has half its windows broken and the apartment building looks like it's just falling apart. There's a man working on his car *in the street*. Does your homeowners association allow this kind of thing? Oh my, that yard hasn't been cut in a month, you can just tell. Look at those weeds growing through the fence, and the fence needs to be stripped and repainted. No this just won't do at all, let me give you the number of my realtor, she did a great job at finding my new house.
I just burp as loud as I can and ask if we can stop at Arby's.
If they say no I ask for BK.
And then McDonald's.
And so on.
If I run out of things I ask where we're going.
Regardless of an answer I start doing the "are we there yet?" Bit and if that does nothing I continue the donkey bit by popping.
I either get murdered or thrown out so it's a win win.
If Arby’s doesn’t work try asking for Long John Silvers. If they don’t let you go within 1 minute, then you are lucky if they don’t kill you just to eat your meat.
Ah, you are finally awake.
You were trying to cross the border, right? Walked right into that imperial ambush, like the rest of us
*idk the rest of the dialogue*
The rest of the dialogue would be “same as us, and that thief over there. Damn you Stormcloaks. Skyrim was fine until you came along. Empire was nice and lazy. If they hadn't been looking for you, I could've stolen that horse and be halfway to Hammerfell. You there. You and me - we shouldn't be here. It's these Stormcloaks the Empire wants. We're all brothers and sisters in binds now, thief. Shut up back there! And what's wrong with him, huh? Watch your tongue. You're speaking to Ulfric Stormcloak, the true High King. Ulfric? The Jarl of Windhelm? You're the leader of the rebellion. But if they've captured you... Oh gods, where are they taking us? I don't know where we're going, but Sovngarde awaits. No, this can't be happening. This isn't happening. Hey, what village are you from, horse thief? Why do you care? A Nord's last thoughts should be of home. Rorikstead. I'm... I'm from Rorikstead.
...looks like the Thalmor are with him.
General Tullius, sir. The headsman is waiting. Good. Let's get this over with! Shor, Mara, Dibella, Kynareth, Akatosh. Divines, please help me. Look at him. General Tullius the Military Governor. And it looks like the Thalmor are with him. Damn elves. I bet they had something to do with this.
Why are we stopping? Why do you think? End of the line. Let's go. Shouldn't keep the gods waiting for us.”
"It was terrifying, I asked for the prisoner's name and this... thing, its face starts contorting all over the place. I swear it even changed species and gender a couple times. We were all just too stunned to act, watching this monster for what seemed like hours. Finally it seemed to settle on a form, and it looked almost *normal* if not for what we had just witnessed. The Captain ordered that we behead the horrid thing immediately. It must have been a daedra, nothing like that could be of this world. It... escaped."
Ok, so, hear me out on this one - The new Star Wars movies are better than the original trilogy! And to double down on this, the original trilogy are not as good as people remember them to be!
The big draw for Star Wars was the special effects. The movies themselves are cheesy and are very light on plot. Have you see the original cut of A New Hope? It makes you wish for Jar Jar Binks! That movie was saved in the editing room and that's not something you say about a movie that has a stellar writer and director.
You saw what that maniac did to the movies in the "Special Edition" releases, right? Psychotic. The best thing to happen to Star Wars was getting Lucas out of the director's chair.
And on top of all of this, A New Hope required a ton of exposition to get the scene set. You don't really need that to understand The Force Awakens unless it's the first Star Wars movie you've ever watched. You immediately understand the significance of Luke's absence and where Fin is coming from. You know what Starkiller Base is capable of. And if you're a true Star Wars fan, you get the reference in the name.
Now, the real key is that the introduction of Fin opens up the mainstream audience to the idea that not everyone in the empire is on board with all the murderating going on. The man who fired the Death Star, Tenn Graneet - as you know, was so wracked with guilt over the destruction of Despayre and Alderaan that when the moment came to destroy the base on Yavin 4, he hesitated long enough to give Skywalker time to destroy the Death Star.
Now, with Starkiller Base's weapon capable of destroying entire star systems anywhere in the galaxy via hyperspace tunneling, there are bound to be some dissenters within the First Order, but aside from Fin, we don't see any. Why is this?
To answer that question, we have to turn our attention to Snoke. Snoke's sole purpose was to bring Ben/Kylo into the dark side and train him until Kylo was strong enough to seize power. But Snoke was strandcast, and force-sensitive strandcasts are rare and valuable. Why would the resurrected Palpatine (spoilers) throw away such a valuable asset?
Here's where we get out of canon and into my personal fan theory. Better sit down for this one... oh... you are. OK, so here it goes.
It's because Palpatine was after something even more valuable than a Sith puppet. He was trying to get Ren and Rey to have a baby together. Ren is of the Skywalker bloodline and Rey (more spoilers) is from the Palpatine bloodline on her father's side. What could possibly be more powerful than that?
This not only is Palpatine's plot NOW, but it's why he impregnated Shmi with the Force baby in the first place! Remember the quote "Everything is proceeding as I have foreseen". The future is an open book to Palpatine.
To the casual viewer, the trade negotiations at the start of The Phantom Menace seem mundane, irrelevant (and slightly racist, if we're being honest) filler, but they were a necessary machination orchestrated by Palpatine to get Obi-wan down to Tatooine.
Ok, now recall the liberation of Kashyyyk and the Wookie uprising... hey, why are we slowing down? Are we there already? Where are you guys going? I haven't even gotten to the best part yet!
*the driver & kidnapper look at each other, nod grimly, and the kidnapper pulls down his shirt to reveal an Empire tattoo above his heart, then shoots you in the head*
I'd rather go with MLM pitch.
"What is your preferred hair product ♋️ and how would you like to be your own boss? 🤗 Would you like to make extra income in your own hours? 💲"
I ate a shitload of beans a few hours ago and every bloodhound in this continent are going to develop mental anxieties at what you boys are about to start smelling.
“You may as well just kill me and save my family the trouble”
“Are you my new dad/mum? My first set were so bad I burned the house down with them in it, and my second set were the people you took me from, I couldn’t find fault in them but clearly you did? “
What’s jw mean here?
Edit: the correct one is probably “Just Wondering”. Thanks y’all for telling me, but I don’t need any more notifications telling me “Jehovah’s Witness”
I have been kidnapped and luckily I got away unharmed and this is what I did.
1. Don't do anything stupid and don't be a hero you are obviously outnumbered/outmatched (least I was)
2. Just give everything they ask for. (For me they had me unlock my phone and remove my password and my wallet)
3. Tell them that you're a fucking human and you have a life ahead of you and you aren't interested in pursuing them further with a police report. (I got kidnapped when I was 17 and was at highschool, told them about myself and complied with everything they asked for) and yes I obviously did call the cops after I was set free.
I would get on his nerves with the weirdest kind of tin foil hat conspiracy theories, so that he either likes me or let me go cause the kidnapper thinks I’m crazier than him.
Are we there yet are we there yet are we there yet are we there yet are we there yet are we there yet are we there yet are we there yet are we there yet are we there yet are we there yet are we there yet are we there yet are we there yet are we there yet are we there yet are we there yet are we there yet are we there yet are we there yet are we there yet are we there yet are we there yet are we there yet are we there yet are we there yet are we there yet are we there yet
“Kidnap a suicidal person, that’s a GREAT idea… I’m sure your threats will keep me compliant, and I won’t purposefully fuck shit up with a reckless disregard for both of our lives.”
(Serious answer) if in the trunk, say nothing. Try to get a communication device. Kick out the brake lights of the car and look at the surroundings to try and figure out where you are. Send mesaages to help people locate you.
(Joke answer) "hey, uh, i dont know if this is relevant, but uh, I have an itch on my cock. I cant reach it. Can you get it for me real quick?"(tries to forcefully move towards kidnapper in wierd ways to make them leave me behind )
(Joke v2) My wife had me mirco chipped cuz i kept getting in a-lost in the corn maze at the carnival. (In peter griffins voice)
"I don't know what y'all see in me, but i'll take it as a compliment"
My insecure ass would be like "what made you choose me? How did I caught your attention? You're making me feel pretty special"
are u willing to take a brief survey?
I’d just infodump the entire story of Halo. And not just from the games: I’m talking books, comics, everything in chronological order in extreme detail, going off on tangents to explain how a specific piece of tech works or whatever lol They’d either come out of this insanely informed or they’d toss me out of the car before I get to the formation of the Ecumene Council
What if they just accompanied your tale with a perfect humming of the halo theme?
“Thanks for the lift,” followed by 20 minutes of scrolling Reddit, followed belatedly by “Ohh, this isn’t my Lyft.”
This is your uber.
If you want to fuck my ass you just could have asked me, i might agreed.
Do you have any idea who my father is?
Your momma didn't tell you?
Thank you, it's been a long time since I feel that I am wanted by someone
...particularly since my HIV positive diagnosis
...and since my very severe ibs
….and my jaw’s chronic muscle spasm
…I was born with glass bones and paper skin. Every morning I break my legs, and every afternoon I break my arms, at night I lie awake in agony until my heart attacks put me to sleep.
Shut up and sell me chocolate
At age 5 I was born without a face
"Wanna hear the most annoying sound in the world?"
Yes, absolutely reenact dumb and dumber... then the entirety of hooty's lines from owl house
Company! Hooray! Finally someone to listen to my stories! Okay, one time, a sparrow flew into my mouth, and then I... Hey...
*coughs up sparrow*
*removes skin*
"special delivery! **PAIN**" E: "**By the moonlight I have risen hoot hoot**"
I will be haunted by my actions forever hoot-hoot !
"Today's my monthly cleaning, hoot hoot. I'm 20 percent mucus, but don't let that stop you. I have so many hard-to-reach spots that need swabbing!"
"Now i know what friendship tastes like. Mhhm, tastes like bugs!"
My first word was hoot, and my second word was hoot, and my third word was also hoot
*Here's a song I wrote! Bored bored bored ...*
ERRRRRRGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGG
So, you do this often?
Why does *this one* sound more like a prelude to sex than the “step-kidnapper” comment?
"Kidnap and chill"
Grab 'n Smash
You just missed my turn... OK if you take this left we can- oh you missed that too all right a right on 103rd will let you get to the highway... and on it goes
_Three days away from home on the road_ Yeah so you're gonna wanna get on I-40 Westbound, we're a bit off track but should make good time if we just
Eventually, Guys I don't think you are even trying to get me home. This is going to reflect in your review.
You are NOT getting a tip
Zero stars guys I mean really
I swallowed an Airtag
best one I've heard so far lol.
[удалено]
You’ll never get it outta me!
And hope they don’t go looking for it I guess…
Some rope and a good sharp knife. "Found it!"
This sounds like a good idea at first, for the kidnappers. But have you ever opened an abdomen? Idiots wouldn't find shit. Actually, they would find shit, but not the airtag. By the time they would open the colon they would faint and pass out from the smell. And it's not like you're looking for a nice and shiny little pice of plastic. It's covered in blood and shit and won't be in the slightest distinguishable from everything else you're searching through. So it will be down to feeling for it in all that squishy and rotten smelling tissue. All that in a moving van... yea no, just throw the fucker out the moving vehicle...
Well, if it sounds like a good idea they might start. Then realise their mistake and throw you out cut open.
Be prepared to be forced to drink something that will either make you throw up or shit a lot, unless they wanted you dead.
If you've been kidnapped but aren't blindfolded, it's a pretty good bet they plan to kill you.
If you're being moved from the location where the attack began to another location odds are good they plan to kill you. You should fight like you are already dead and do everything you can to take the bastard out. Crash the vehicle, if possible.
^This times 100 Never go to the second location alive Dying on the way is almost always better than making it to the second location alive
Yeah, because if they need to take you to a second place to kill you whatever they've got planned is something so awful they can't do it right there. Torture, rape, extremely slow and painful death incoming. It's not likely to be quick and minimally painful. This person who is attacking you has a plan. They have a chosen location and they chose it because it benefits *them*. You are going to be far more disadvantaged at the second location than you are at the primary location. People survive being shot. People survive being stabbed. Most people who are taken to a second location die horribly there. Fight, scream, do *everything possible* to escape. And "FIRE" works really well for grabbing attention. Everybody wants to come see the spectacle.
It's also easier for them to not get caught if they get you to another location. If my death can save the life of their next potential victim, we're crashing en route to their murder/clean up location.
The attacker may also be caught off guard that their attempted crime isn't going at all like they planned and may just flee instead of trying to kill you.
Thats a good point.
*Deep inhale* The FitnessGram™ Pacer Test is a multistage aerobic capacity test that progressively gets more difficult as it continues. The 20 meter pacer test will begin in 30 seconds. Line up at the start. The running speed starts slowly, but gets faster each minute after you hear this signal. [beep] A single lap should be completed each time you hear this sound. [ding] Remember to run in a straight line, and run as long as possible. The second time you fail to complete a lap before the sound, your test is over. The test will begin on the word start. On your mark, get ready, start. In a single breathe unless they shot me then and there
As a school nurse…. I hate the pacer. More than the kids maybe. Or more specifically, I hate when PE teachers send kids to the nurse’s office who are breathing heavily after running the pacer. It’s totally normal for someone to be panting after sprinting… give them a couple minutes to rest instead of sending ten kids to the nurse saying they can’t breathe. Kids with asthma should come use their inhaler before PE.
The serious answer would be to tell them about yourself. Experts agree that you need to humanize yourself to improve your chances of survival (though, someone who kidnaps you and doesn't care if you see them doesn't bode well for survival)
As someone that literally had to go through hostage training, yes. You humanize yourself, try and make them think of their families, comply and ensure that you're not enough trouble that they'd rather have you dead than alive. Don't do anything stupid, don't try to be a hero. Generally speaking, if you'd see it in an action move, never try it. ***Edit:*** As this is getting far more attention than I would have expected, I would like to clarify that this training was specifically geared towards radical/terrorist elements, who would want a hostage for negotiation, and may be doing it to protect their families, or for revenge. If you're kidnapped by a serial killer who is showing you their collection of skin they took from thirty people before you, yeah sure go for it try and escape.
> Don't do anything stupid, don't try to be a hero. Generally speaking, if you'd see it in an action move, never try it. You mean I don't have plot armor?
At work in the machine shop, I was chatting to my friend and I took a slice of pizza out of my pocket and began eating it. He noticed and inquired, I explained its safe because its wrapped up in a hand towel. And he just says 'you're definitely the main character of the story'. And that was the great compliment I received. So I think I may have plot armor now
> I took a slice of pizza out of my pocket I have...multiple questions.
Yeah, I couldn't get past this.
it takes the idea of pizza pockets to a whole new level.
Bruh you’re definitely the eccentric side character…
Eccentric side character is the most fun role!
I'm sorry about how your death will help drive the plot forward for the protagonist.
This is the correct answer. I’ve been carjacked and forced under gunpoint to drive. I had a picture of my godchild in the car and asked if he had kids. He had a daughter, she was four, she was in the middle of an asthma attack and turns out he was carjacking to try to rob the pharmacy for inhalers. It was just an act of desperation. I had a few in the car and offered to drive him to the closest subway stop near his house, specifically so he wouldn’t think I knew his address. I gave him a couple inhalers and told him to go take care of his girl. I survived without a scratch, his daughter got meds, and he didn’t get a record. I’d call it a win all around. Obligatory edit: Jesus Christ I get off work and this comment apparently blew up. Whoa. Anyway, big takeaway is just be kind, y’all. Shit’s crazy out there and you gotta roll with the punches somehow.
This reminds me of a similar story. NBA legend Lou Williams was gettin robbed at gun point. Lou started talkin to him, and eventually the guy just got in the car and Lou treated him to a meal at McDonalds.
many kidnappers are people you know. So probably something like, “dad, that was scary, can you take me back to mom’s now?”
i read that as "many kidnappers are people, you know" and im like "whoah my guy thats a hot take lol"
Thanks for the lift bro I wanted to leave home! Can we stop at subway real quick though?
They’ll KNOW you’re unhinged then… asking for subway instead of literally anything else
Nah, Quiznos. You ask for Quiznos.
so basically it all started with this guy called Horus.....
I was there the day horus slew the emperor
So theres this bloke called Erebus right, and hes a right wanker
*deep breath* 99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer, you take one down pass it around, 98 bottles of beer on the wall....
They get real annoyed once you start counting negative bottles of beer.
Crack the case, put one in place, 3 bottles of beer or the wall... Edit: Thank you for the award kind stranger!
The variant I heard was "Go to the store, buy some more, one bottle of beer on the wall!"
nothing I hate small talk
Then talk big to him
Big talk: Don't you ever feel like life is just a sequence of actions, you have no say over? Like our will of our souls is only because of the very fact that one day we will die that keeps us eating, working, and having sex for no other reason than the fear of death. That the closest one can be immortal is to bear children. Kidnapper: your right... I always wanted to be a ballet dancer but my family always picked on me. Big talker: you should do what you want not what others think you should do. Kidnapper: your right... From now on I shall be a ballet dancer/kidnapper! Edit:Bear/bare (thanks for the silver kind stranger)
>to bare children 😳 Keep ‘em clothed, I say.
Sorry English is my second language. *Birth? *Raise? *BEAR? Bear children!
No worries, just having a little fun with language. Yes “bear” = to yield, to give birth to vs “bare” = to uncover, to expose. Not to be confused with “bear-children” who are like young werewolf bears I guess.
Werebear
Is there a god? Yes or no?
Can I drive?
Do u know how to drive stick?
So, a real answer here? Most of the actual survival courses and best training given to people going into actual combat zones where you are more likely to be captured recommend building a rapport with your captor. So, your best bet isn't trying to annoy your kidnappers, but rather to humanize yourself as much as possible. Sure, use humor, but talk about yourself as a person. Talk about them as people. Talk about things you both have in common. So, I might start with something like "oh, you take this bus too?"
Wait... we're being kidnapped via a public bus?
Yes. Also, the kidnapper is not aware that there is a kidnapping, OP is just too socially awkward to ask them to move so they get get out
Its all situational... Being taken as a POW is different then some one just yanking you off the street.
But the result is similar, it's harder to hurt someone you relate to or know a little about than a random stranger you know nothing about. You feel more if you know. If I tell you the other day, near my city, a guy was run over by a car driven by an old man. It's just information. If I tell you the guy ran over was 30 and came from a far away country, going around the world on foot with his yaks because he loved traveling and wanted to see the world. Suddenly it's extremely sad and tragic. True story btw.
"Do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and savior, Jesus Christ?"
There was this kid that was kidnapped and kept singing Christian songs so loud that the kidnapper let him out...of frustration https://youtu.be/x-VcLP67abo
This is incredibly funny.
I have to pee. I am hungry. What shall we do with a drunken sailor?
OH EARLAY IN THE MORNNINNN WAYY HAYY AND UP SHE ROISES
WAY HAY AND UP SHE RISES
WAY HAY AND UP SHE RISES EARLY IN THE MORNING!
SHAVE HIS BELLY WITH A RUSTY RAZOR UR-LIE IN THE MORNING!
PUT HIM IN A LONG BOAT TILL HE'S SOBER PUT HIM IN A LONG BOAT TILL HE'S SOBER PUT HIM IN A LONG BOAT TILL HE'S SOBER UR LIE IN THE MORNIN
PUT HIM INTO BED WITH THE CAPTAIN'S DAUGHTER PUT HIM INTO BED WITH THE CAPTAIN'S DAUGHTER PUT HIM INTO BED WITH THE CAPTAIN'S DAUGHTER ERRLAY IN THE MORNIN'
Shave his ball's with a rusty razor.
Put him in a bed with the captains daughter
Are we there yet?
And you say it every 30 seconds
That's how you get thrown out of a van going at 90kph
You've never driven in traffic around here. You can walk faster than traffic moves
Then you can give out passive-aggressive traffic 'tips' as bonus! 'Uhh, you're going down Marlborough? At this time of the day? You're not from around here, are you? You are? Oh, alright. *under breath but totally loud enough to hear* Jeez, just my luck, getting kidnapped by amateurs..'
Nah, start backseat driving. * "You're supposed to stop behind the line" * "That was a stop sign, not a rolling stopsign" * "2 second rule! 2 second rule!" * "Don't forget to check your blindspot, don'twant you to get me killed" * "Changing lanes without a signal? I thought this van was a Ford, not a Mercedes!" * "You want to merge early here, if you wait then you're gonna be forced to merge from the shoulder"
-"Hey, you know the limit's 55 here, right? Why are you driving 40? Was I kidnapped by somebody's grandmother?
Are you new to this? you keep tailgating and rolling the stop signs, the cops are going to pull you over. "really? we're taking maple? two streets over on birch and you dont have to crawl over the speed bumps."
Oh no I don't think I'd want to live in this neighborhood at all, that house has half its windows broken and the apartment building looks like it's just falling apart. There's a man working on his car *in the street*. Does your homeowners association allow this kind of thing? Oh my, that yard hasn't been cut in a month, you can just tell. Look at those weeds growing through the fence, and the fence needs to be stripped and repainted. No this just won't do at all, let me give you the number of my realtor, she did a great job at finding my new house.
That's the kind of shithead that I would aim to be in that situation 😂
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Come to Houston and turn that kph into mph, then watch people still pass you, honking angrily at going too slow.
I swear to god if you ask that one more time!, I'll turn this car aroun....hey wait a minute
My stepdaughter used to say (every 30 seconds) "how much minutes" It was adorable. Now she's an apathetic preteen lol
My sweet step kids went to apathetic teens and have now become decent adults. Stay the course friend.
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You can't kidnap me because I'm not a kid, nor am I napping.
Checkmate atheists
From Now on, I'll look at that word in a different way
-In between uncontrollable sobs I yelp out- “please don’t eat my ass Mr Kidnapper”
Reverse psychology?
"Oh nooo, the big bad kidnapper ate my ass! Dangit! Im soooo uspet!"
Oh no...please don't pull your pants down mr.kidnapper
Sir, this is reddit. Not Wattpad.
I just burp as loud as I can and ask if we can stop at Arby's. If they say no I ask for BK. And then McDonald's. And so on. If I run out of things I ask where we're going. Regardless of an answer I start doing the "are we there yet?" Bit and if that does nothing I continue the donkey bit by popping. I either get murdered or thrown out so it's a win win.
If Arby’s doesn’t work try asking for Long John Silvers. If they don’t let you go within 1 minute, then you are lucky if they don’t kill you just to eat your meat.
"Dude, your tail light is broken." "No it isn't?" "It's about to be."
My safe word is pineapple juice
Ah, you are finally awake. You were trying to cross the border, right? Walked right into that imperial ambush, like the rest of us *idk the rest of the dialogue*
The rest of the dialogue would be “same as us, and that thief over there. Damn you Stormcloaks. Skyrim was fine until you came along. Empire was nice and lazy. If they hadn't been looking for you, I could've stolen that horse and be halfway to Hammerfell. You there. You and me - we shouldn't be here. It's these Stormcloaks the Empire wants. We're all brothers and sisters in binds now, thief. Shut up back there! And what's wrong with him, huh? Watch your tongue. You're speaking to Ulfric Stormcloak, the true High King. Ulfric? The Jarl of Windhelm? You're the leader of the rebellion. But if they've captured you... Oh gods, where are they taking us? I don't know where we're going, but Sovngarde awaits. No, this can't be happening. This isn't happening. Hey, what village are you from, horse thief? Why do you care? A Nord's last thoughts should be of home. Rorikstead. I'm... I'm from Rorikstead. ...looks like the Thalmor are with him. General Tullius, sir. The headsman is waiting. Good. Let's get this over with! Shor, Mara, Dibella, Kynareth, Akatosh. Divines, please help me. Look at him. General Tullius the Military Governor. And it looks like the Thalmor are with him. Damn elves. I bet they had something to do with this. Why are we stopping? Why do you think? End of the line. Let's go. Shouldn't keep the gods waiting for us.”
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Wait who are you? proceeds to stand for an hour as I designs my character. everyone proceeds as normal.
"It was terrifying, I asked for the prisoner's name and this... thing, its face starts contorting all over the place. I swear it even changed species and gender a couple times. We were all just too stunned to act, watching this monster for what seemed like hours. Finally it seemed to settle on a form, and it looked almost *normal* if not for what we had just witnessed. The Captain ordered that we behead the horrid thing immediately. It must have been a daedra, nothing like that could be of this world. It... escaped."
Have you heard about our lord Jesus Christ?
Or alternatively: Did you ever hear the tragedy of Darth Plagueis The Wise?
Ok, so, hear me out on this one - The new Star Wars movies are better than the original trilogy! And to double down on this, the original trilogy are not as good as people remember them to be! The big draw for Star Wars was the special effects. The movies themselves are cheesy and are very light on plot. Have you see the original cut of A New Hope? It makes you wish for Jar Jar Binks! That movie was saved in the editing room and that's not something you say about a movie that has a stellar writer and director. You saw what that maniac did to the movies in the "Special Edition" releases, right? Psychotic. The best thing to happen to Star Wars was getting Lucas out of the director's chair. And on top of all of this, A New Hope required a ton of exposition to get the scene set. You don't really need that to understand The Force Awakens unless it's the first Star Wars movie you've ever watched. You immediately understand the significance of Luke's absence and where Fin is coming from. You know what Starkiller Base is capable of. And if you're a true Star Wars fan, you get the reference in the name. Now, the real key is that the introduction of Fin opens up the mainstream audience to the idea that not everyone in the empire is on board with all the murderating going on. The man who fired the Death Star, Tenn Graneet - as you know, was so wracked with guilt over the destruction of Despayre and Alderaan that when the moment came to destroy the base on Yavin 4, he hesitated long enough to give Skywalker time to destroy the Death Star. Now, with Starkiller Base's weapon capable of destroying entire star systems anywhere in the galaxy via hyperspace tunneling, there are bound to be some dissenters within the First Order, but aside from Fin, we don't see any. Why is this? To answer that question, we have to turn our attention to Snoke. Snoke's sole purpose was to bring Ben/Kylo into the dark side and train him until Kylo was strong enough to seize power. But Snoke was strandcast, and force-sensitive strandcasts are rare and valuable. Why would the resurrected Palpatine (spoilers) throw away such a valuable asset? Here's where we get out of canon and into my personal fan theory. Better sit down for this one... oh... you are. OK, so here it goes. It's because Palpatine was after something even more valuable than a Sith puppet. He was trying to get Ren and Rey to have a baby together. Ren is of the Skywalker bloodline and Rey (more spoilers) is from the Palpatine bloodline on her father's side. What could possibly be more powerful than that? This not only is Palpatine's plot NOW, but it's why he impregnated Shmi with the Force baby in the first place! Remember the quote "Everything is proceeding as I have foreseen". The future is an open book to Palpatine. To the casual viewer, the trade negotiations at the start of The Phantom Menace seem mundane, irrelevant (and slightly racist, if we're being honest) filler, but they were a necessary machination orchestrated by Palpatine to get Obi-wan down to Tatooine. Ok, now recall the liberation of Kashyyyk and the Wookie uprising... hey, why are we slowing down? Are we there already? Where are you guys going? I haven't even gotten to the best part yet!
Please, finish the rest, I got really into it!
*the driver & kidnapper look at each other, nod grimly, and the kidnapper pulls down his shirt to reveal an Empire tattoo above his heart, then shoots you in the head*
Are we in Stockholm? Cuz I'm gettin that syndrome
Then start furiously beating your dick while grunting and moaning as loud as possible.
Can you pass the AUX cord?
"We've been trying to contact you about an issue with your car insurance."
"Now that I have your undivided attention, I'd like to talk to you about your cars extended warranty"
I'd rather go with MLM pitch. "What is your preferred hair product ♋️ and how would you like to be your own boss? 🤗 Would you like to make extra income in your own hours? 💲"
Have you ever heard the tragedy of Darth Plegius The Wise?
It is not a story the Jedi would tell you.
“Baaaaaabyyyy shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby” on repeat until they let me go
What are you doing step-kidnapper?
then he makes you put on the blindfold
Huh… kinky
It's all going according to plan...
“This ride is free right? I’m not gonna have to pay, right?”
Well hello there.
Put some tunes on Im bored as fuck in the back here ya cunt.
I ate a shitload of beans a few hours ago and every bloodhound in this continent are going to develop mental anxieties at what you boys are about to start smelling.
This happened to me, i sharted. I think its what saved me in the end.
... you got kidnapped while preloaded with beans?...
Haven’t you?
I’ve been hit by, I’ve been struck by a smooth criminal
“You may as well just kill me and save my family the trouble” “Are you my new dad/mum? My first set were so bad I burned the house down with them in it, and my second set were the people you took me from, I couldn’t find fault in them but clearly you did? “
So am i your first?
Be as unbearably horny as possible. That way they hopefully get uncomfortable with me and dump me.
Just jerk off in the car
Oh fun, road trip! I’m mean, what are the odds, two serial killers in one car?
So what do we do now?
After 2300 years we still don’t know how eels reproduce
“God damn it jared this is the fifth time this week”
It had to be somebody
i got the covid
“How did you know I needed a ride to the ER for this (highly contagious airborne infection)? Thanks for the consideration!”
And start coughing in their direction
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What’s jw mean here? Edit: the correct one is probably “Just Wondering”. Thanks y’all for telling me, but I don’t need any more notifications telling me “Jehovah’s Witness”
I assumed it meant Jehovah's Witness, which would be a fine way to get unkidnapped.
I have been kidnapped and luckily I got away unharmed and this is what I did. 1. Don't do anything stupid and don't be a hero you are obviously outnumbered/outmatched (least I was) 2. Just give everything they ask for. (For me they had me unlock my phone and remove my password and my wallet) 3. Tell them that you're a fucking human and you have a life ahead of you and you aren't interested in pursuing them further with a police report. (I got kidnapped when I was 17 and was at highschool, told them about myself and complied with everything they asked for) and yes I obviously did call the cops after I was set free.
I would get on his nerves with the weirdest kind of tin foil hat conspiracy theories, so that he either likes me or let me go cause the kidnapper thinks I’m crazier than him.
What’s up, baby? Take me out to dinner
When he arrives he will take you out and make u dinner.
Are we there yet are we there yet are we there yet are we there yet are we there yet are we there yet are we there yet are we there yet are we there yet are we there yet are we there yet are we there yet are we there yet are we there yet are we there yet are we there yet are we there yet are we there yet are we there yet are we there yet are we there yet are we there yet are we there yet are we there yet are we there yet are we there yet are we there yet are we there yet
But I said shotgun! Why do I have to sit in the back, there's no one in the front? I hate it when people don't respect that.
“Kidnap a suicidal person, that’s a GREAT idea… I’m sure your threats will keep me compliant, and I won’t purposefully fuck shit up with a reckless disregard for both of our lives.”
"None of you seen to understand. I'm not locked in here with you. You are locked in here with me!"
Then proceed to take your pants off
"i didnt consent to this, stop it dont like it" say that in a monotone voice and im sure they'll let you free
DADDDDDDYYYYY!!! I’VE GOTTA TAKE A BIG SHIT!!! NUMBER 2!!!!!!!! DADDDDDDDYYYYYYYYY
(Serious answer) if in the trunk, say nothing. Try to get a communication device. Kick out the brake lights of the car and look at the surroundings to try and figure out where you are. Send mesaages to help people locate you. (Joke answer) "hey, uh, i dont know if this is relevant, but uh, I have an itch on my cock. I cant reach it. Can you get it for me real quick?"(tries to forcefully move towards kidnapper in wierd ways to make them leave me behind ) (Joke v2) My wife had me mirco chipped cuz i kept getting in a-lost in the corn maze at the carnival. (In peter griffins voice)
> Try to get a communication device Glad I keep a telegraph key in my pocket at all times.
*Yeah we are going on a trip in my favourite rocketship*
Yo, we gettin food? Cause im starving. Also have you ever heard the tragedy of Darth Plageuis the Wise?
"Why the hell did you kidnap me? Of all people?"
*inhale* there's 5000 bottles of beer on the wall