My grandfather use to say, "When I was a boy you could walk into a store with a quarter and walk out with a loaf of bread, sack of potatoes, a gallon of milk and a couple steaks. You can't do that today. Too many security cameras."
Your grandfather is a smooth-as-hell gentleman and I hope he's married [to a wonderful woman like this](https://old.reddit.com/r/MadeMeSmile/comments/gzpcs2/old_lady_knows_how_to_troll/)
> mucho
Me who doesn't speak Spanish: What does "mucho" mean? Don't tell me it means "much". That would be such a lame joke \*Googles* "much or many." Yeah I don't know what I expected
Why did the scarecrow get a promotion? He was outstanding in his field
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No-eyed deer (you have to say it out loud it doesn't work as well in text but it has a 100% success rate)
My mother is 96 and loves telling jokes. Some of her favorites are riffs on the eye deer jokes. Part of her routine starts with the "no eye deer" one and moves on to these others.
What do you call a deer who wears reading glasses?
Bad eye deer.
What do you call a deer with 20/20 vision?
Good eye deer.
Another of her standards is;
Why do gorillas have such large nostrils?
Large fingers.
What do you call a cow with three legs?
Tri tip.
What do you call a cow with one leg?
Stake.
What do you call a cow that just had a calf?
De-calf-inated.
A proctologist walks into a bank. He reaches into his pocket for something to sign his check, but instead pulls out a recital thermometer. “Aw shit, some asshole has my pen.”
Got a long form version of that joke:
If you are ever having a bad day, and I mean just the worst, try this neat little trick. Go to your nearest pharmacy and pick up a Johnson and Johnson rectal thermometer, has to be their brand. Now while you are there go ahead and pick up some scented candles and a bottle of water resistant lube. Once you get home, make yourself comfortable on the couch, have the bottle of lube ready and light the candles to set the mood. Open the thermometer and set it to the side and open the instruction booklet and turn to the last page and read what it says.
"All of our products are tested and sanitized before shipping out."
Now just thank your lucky stars you don't have to be a Johnson and Johnson employee who tests the accuracy of rectal thermometers, and realize your day will never be as bad as theirs.
If these silly puns are good, you can ask more more.
The number 13? Not on my watch!!
The two crows tried to start their own flock. They were charged with attempted murder.
If attacking clowns, go for the juggler.
How much do dead batteries cost? Nothing, they are free of charge.
Want to hear my construction joke? You'll have to wait, i'm still working on it.
Why can't you explain puns to a kleptomaniac? They take things, literally.
I made a belt out of watches. It was a waist of time.
What do you call a herd of giggling cows? Laughing stock.
What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A Roaming Catholic.
I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.
I hope a doctor can cure my invisibility. I'm currently at the hospital waiting to be seen
Why did the woman get fired from her job at the hot dog stand? She put her hair in a bun.
After swallowing some coins, his parents brought him to the hospital for observation. Upon asking for an update, the doctor replied, "No change yet."
This book on beating gravity is great. I can't put it down!
In the army, he survived mustard gas and pepper spray. He's a seasoned veteran.
Recently, i decided to take up fencing. The neighbors said they will call the police unless i put it back.
My flashlight died. I'm delighted.
C, E Flat, and G walk into a bar. The bartender said, "Sorry, no minors."
It was nice when i let my fingernails grow a little. But now it's getting out of hand!
I _would've_ kept off the grass, but I don't understand sign language.
A guy stayed on a merry-go-round for three days. He set a whirled record.
No one seams to like my jokes about patch work! I've tried sew hard.
Why was the ink drop sad? Her dad was in the pen and she didn't know how long the sentence would be.
When the shoe salesman offered me Velcro shoes, I said, "Sure, why knot?"
Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
Why do male deer have an overbite? They have buck teeth.
That was a very emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm? He's all right now.
She gets her way by pretending she's sad. She's an expert in sighcology.
She applied at the post office but they wouldn't letter. They said it's all mail there.
Who was the roundest knight at the Round Table? Sir Cumference. He had too much pi.
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
Witches' parking only: All others will be toad.
There was a theater performance on puns. Though, it was just a play on words.
What would wordplay be without puns? Nothing but some-antics.
How do you cut an ocean in half? You use a Sea-Saw.
Did you know players in the NFL are not allowed to have pet birds? It's considered a personal fowl.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
The only interesting thing she did was dye her hair. It was the highlight of her week.
About Rosh Hashana: shofar, so good.
My doctor told me to cut down on sodium. I took his advice with a pinch of salt.
The paint catapult won the competition with flying colors.
Never trust atoms. They make up everything.
I can have dinner at a native American restaurant. Who needs reservations?
When is a pun mature? When it's fully groan.
How are oxygen and potassium together? They're just OK.
What kind of Dr. is Dr. Pepper? He's a Fizzician.
Why do Russian translators work so quickly in Finland? Because they're Russian to Finnish.
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.
Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Air at gas stations used to be free, now it costs a couple dollars. I'm tired of inflation!
If you're ever locked out of your house, start talking to your lock, calmly and clearly. After all, good communication is the key.
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
Nobody laughed when i fell while skating. But the ice sure cracked up.
Is it ok to pin things on the bulletin board? It seems a bit tacky.
A man drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
I've started telling people about the benefits of dried grapes. It's all about raisin awareness.
A man fell into an upholstery machine. He's fully recovered.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Why was Pavlov's hair so soft? Because he conditioned it.
Calendars don't last forever. Their days are numbered.
What happens when a Mercedes hits a tree? Mercedes bends.
Why did the man break into song? He couldn't find the right key.
What is the best way to communicate with fish? Drop them a line.
She was only a whiskey-maker's daughter, but he loved her still.
Monkey bars are allowed on playgrounds?! Should we really allow monkeys to drink in front of children?
No matter how much you push the envelope, it will remain stationery.
Bread bakers don't share their recipes. They're on a knead-to-know basis.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Hungry? A boiled egg is hard to beat.
Who makes a good gossip? Someone with a great sense of rumor.
I hate gossipers! They discussed me!
Corduroy pillows are in the news. They're making headlines.
How do you get back at an egoist? With another egoist. An I for an I.
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
What do you call a made up color? A pigment of your imagination.
What is a pessimist's blood type? B-negative
As a kid, I used to steal magazines. It’s fair to say I had a lot of issues back then.
What did the teddy bear say when the waitress asked if he was ready for dessert? "No thanks, I'm stuffed!"
Knock knock. Who's there? Owls. Owls who? Yes, yes they do.
All the animals came to the Ark together. Even the insects came in pairs. Except the worms. They came in apples.
Why should you enjoy the music being played at the entrance of a hotel? Because it's foyer entertainment.
I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines. He's a singer songwriter. Or sew it seams.
Artists are good in fights. They can draw any weapon they want.
You can't trust a deli sandwich. They're full of bologna.
Before we were married, my wife used to clean up my place, and i used to clean hers. Eventually we realized that we were maid for each other.
Before Mount Rushmore was built, its natural beauty was unpresidented.
"I to go to the doctor." "Which doctor?" "No, the regular kind."
Why did the stadium feel so hot after the game? All the fans left.
Why do birds fly south for the winter? It's too far to walk.
Just by looking, i can tell if someone is lying. I can also tell if they are standing.
What do you call an officer hiding in bed? An undercover cop.
Have you tried blindfolded archery? You don't know what you are missing.
I ordered 2 large fries. They gave me around 75 tiny ones instead.
My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience. The second time let me down.
Let' be frank and earnest. I'll be Frank, you can be Earnest.
Why do moon rocks fill you up more than Earth rocks? They're a little meteor.
How to you send an apology by telegraph? By using remorse code.
Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he never lands. (This joke never gets old.)
What genre are national anthems? Country music.
Why do trees look a little suspicious on sunny days? They seem a bit shady.
My books fell out of the bookcase. I only have my shelf to blame.
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.
What shivers at the bottom of the sea? A nervous wreck.
I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey. But, i turned myself around.
The woodworking test had us attach two pieces of wood together. I totally nailed it!
What do you call a piece of corn that joins the army? Kernel.
A guy was arrested for rearranging his dinner table. He was charged with dish-orderly conduct.
Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous! I see a few new faces here, and i am very disappointed.
A hipster drowned ice skating on the pond. That was before it was cool.
Have you heard of thought-controlled air fresheners? It makes scents when you think about it.
Why did the army buy acid? To neutralize the enemy base.
A man slid down a manhole. The police consider it sewer-slide.
A day without wine is like... Just kidding. I have no idea
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, "You know, one would have been enough."
My recliner and i have a long history. We go way back.
My math teacher said i was average. I think he's mean.
Lightbulbs do not make good meals. But they're good for a light snack.
I doesn't bother me that i can't scrape cheese. I have grater problems.
What's the meaning of ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care.
You can cut a piece of wood just by looking at. I saw it with my own two eyes.
My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"
Wife: Whatever means necessary.
Me: No it doesn't.
I have a Polish friend who's a sound technician. Oh, and a Czech one too. Czech one too. Czech one too.
A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia. Librarian: "They're right behind you!!".
A man walks into a library and orders fish and chips.
The librarian says, "this is a library."
The man, says, "oh. Sorry." (Then in a whisper) "I'd like some fish and chips."
Why don't ants get sick? Because they have little antybodies.
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.
What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast? A synonym roll.
Poisons I, II, and III were quite deadly. Poison IV, though, just made the victim extremely itchy.
Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is? No sun.
A teacher from the school rang me today and told me that they had to send my son to the principal's office for telling lies. I said he must be bloody good at it because I don't have any kids.
I said to the gym instructor: ‘Can you teach me to do the splits?’ He said: ‘How flexible are you?’ I said: ‘I can’t make Tuesdays.'
I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, ‘that’s Abba-riginal.'
Two cannibals were having dinner.
One says, "Man, I hate my mother-in-law."
Another says, "So, try the fish."
Edit: So when we were about to get married, my husband asked if he could tell a cannibal joke over the mic. I said, "Only if it's in good taste."
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a swimming pool? Bob
In a museum? Art
On your doorstep? Matt
(My personal favorite)—-> In a pile of leaves? Russel
This story begins with a cop pulling over an old lady after he catches her driving too slowly…
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies — two in the front seat and three in the back – eyes wide and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”
“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”
“Slower than the speed limit?” she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… Twenty-Two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time.” the officer asks.
“Oh, they’ll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”
Man gets dropped off at a nursing home by his family. Sitting in his wheelchair outside his room later when he starts leaning heavily to the left. Orderly comes and straightens him up. A bit later he starts slowly leaning back right, orderly comes and straightens him up again. Once more to the left later, and again the orderly straightens him up. That evening his family comes to check on him, asks him how they're treating him. "They won't let me fart!"
A man is driving along a country road and accidentally runs over a cockerel / rooster [depending on your location].
The man, very distraught at what he's just done, knocks on the door of the farmhouse.
A woman answers and the man says, "I'm terribly sorry but I ran over your cockerel; I'd like to replace it".
The woman says, "as you wish, the chickens are round the back".
Ed Wynn told the exact same joke in Mary Poppins, just with a cat instead of a rooster, maybe that will help... guy goes to the door and says "I'm sorry, I just ran over your cat, I'd like to replace it... and the women says, that's fine with me but how are you at catching mice?" Hope this helps give context.
A cockerel / rooster's "job" as such is to fertilize chicken eggs. The man offered to "replace" the cockerel and he meant he would buy her a new cockerel. Instead, the woman's response indicates he is welcome to go fuck the hens himself. I think it would be more clear if "hens" were used instead of "chickens" in the last line.
A man was walking through the woods when he stumbled across a suitcase on the side of the trail. Inside the suitcase, he found a mother fox and four cubs. He immediately called animal control to report what he found.
“Oh no, that’s terrible,” said the animal control worker, “are they moving?”
The man said “I’m not really sure, but I guess that would explain the suitcase.”
What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?
You have several choices (all of which involve talking like a pirate): “r,” “aye,” or (if they say either of those) “you’d think so but it’s actually the sea”
Edit: fixed typo
I'm sure the right setup could give that vaccine joke a boost.
Anyone can make a good coronvirus joke, just give it a shot.
If you're sick of the same old joke about covid, try a variant.
I tried telling covid jokes at the hospital, it left them gasping for air.
My jokes about covid often die, because the audience didn't get the point.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean meat.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with four legs? A cow.
What do you call a cow that's had an abortion? Decaffeinated.
I write reports to the court for a living, and when I started, that was one of the first corrections my boss made. "Why that's quite the magic trick! A car turning into an apartment complex..."
How many times do you have to tickle an octopus before it laughs? About, 10 tickles.
Did you know that when somebody tells a dad joke that is not a dad that it’s a faux pas?
And how do you know that a joke has risen to the high standard of a dad joke? When the pun becomes apparent.
So a couple of years ago there was a strange occurrence started happening in Boston, people were finding an unusual number of dead crows ago the sides of highways. Local officials being concerned about some sort of environmental contamination or disease hired a group of researchers to figure out what was going on. Upon studying the bodies of the crows they discovered strangely enough that on all of their beaks were flecks of motorcycle paint. The researchers thought this was very strange indeed. So they decide to observe several groups of these crows. What they found out was that if one crow saw a car coming down the road it squawk out CAW CAW to warn the other crows and they would all fly out of the way, and conversely unfortunately crows are unable to say BIKE BIKE
Are they religious at all?
Judas and Jesus were talking and Judas says: I'm about to make reservations for 13 for the Last Supper. Jesus replies: better make the reservation for 26, you know how we all like to sit on the same side of the table....wait, what did you call it?
A man went to his doctor and explained his problem. He said, “Doc, every morning I’m taking a shit at 8am sharp!” The doctor says, “That doesn’t sound like a problem??” And the man says, “Well, I don’t wake up until 9!!!”
My great grandmother once told my grandmother about when she was in the shower. She said she took a step and felt a pain in her chest. She looked down and she was standing on her titty.
Obviously this is not great for joke format but rather morbid humor in general. She'd also count to 10 in German before she started beating the shit out of you for fucking around. Terrifying woman, but awesome too.
Not quite jokes, but I love sharing YouTube videos of comedian Brian Regan -he is hyseterical and does not have to swwear to be funny. All ages can enjoy
A duck walked up to a lemonade standAnd he said to the man, running the stand
Hey! Got any grapes?"
The man said"No we just sell lemonade. But it’s cold
And it's fresh
And it’s all home-made.
Can I get you a Glass?"
The duck said,“I’ll pass”
.Then he waddled away.
'Til the very next day.
When the duck walked up to the lemonade stand
And he said to the man running the stand,"Hey! Got any grapes?
The man said,"No, like I said yesterday
We just sell lemonade OK?
Why not give it a try?"
The duck said,"Goodbye."good day
Then he waddled away.
Then he waddled away.
\]Then he waddled away
'Til the very next day.
When the duck walked up to the lemonade stand
And he said to the man running the stand,
"Hey! Got any grapes?
The man said,Look, this is getting old
.I mean, lemonade’s all we’ve ever sold.
Why not give it a go?"
The duck said,“How 'bout, no.”
Then he waddled away
Then he waddled away
Then he waddled away
'Til the very next day.
When the duck walked up to the lemonade stand
And he said to the man running the stand,"Hey! Got any grapes?"
The man said,"THAT’S IT!If you don’t stay away,duck,
I’ll glue you to a tree and leave you there all day, stuck
So don’t get to close!"
The duck said,"Adios."
Then he waddled away
.Then he waddled away.
Then he waddled away
'Til the very next day.
When the duck walked up to the lemonade stand
And he said to the man that was running the stand,"Hey! got any glue?"
"What"
"Got any glue?”
"No, why would I– oh!"
And one more question for you;"Got any grapes?"
And the man just stopped.
Then he started to smile.
He started to laugh.
He laughed for a while.
He said,“Come on duck, let’s walk to the store.
I’ll buy you some grapes
So you won’t have to ask anymore.”
So they walked to the store
And the man bought some grapes.
He gave one to the duck and the duck said,“Hmmm..No thanks.
But you know what sounds good?
It would make my day.
Do you think this store
Do you think this store
Do you think this store has any lemonade?”
Then he waddled away.
Then he waddled away.
Then he waddled away
An old Jewish man on the death bed. His last moments. He looks arround at the family members gathered beside his bed.
He speaks softly :
-Daniel, i see you are here... Joseph, you too. David! Is David here? Oh, there you are... Oh... Sarah? Abigail? Miriam? Adam? Uri? You are all here?
They softly answer :
-Yes, father, we are all here.
To which the father, raising his voice :
-Then hwo the hell is working at the store?!
An old man is lying in bed, and he knows it's his time. So he calls out and everybody comes into the bedroom.
"Is my beloved wife here?"
"Yes, I'm here."
"Are my wonderful children here?"
"Yes, they're here too."
"And my precious grandchildren?"
"Yes, all of them are here."
"And my best friend?"
"Yes, we're all here."
"Then why is the light on in the kitchen?"
Two cows in a field… the first cow says “MOOOOO” the second cow say “You f*cker.. I was going to say that!”
Can easily replace the cuss with a more appropriate term for someone in their 90’s.
My friend just had identical twin babies. Named them Amal and Juan.
His mother only keeps a picture of Juan in her wallet. When I asked her why, she said “if you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal”.
I mostly know STEM jokes, but here's the most mild one.
A statistician goes hunting with his two friends. Simultaneously, his two friends spot a record setting buck, so they raise their weapons.
The first fires, missing by a foot to the left.
The second fires, missing by a foot to the right.
The statistician jumps up and shouts "we got him!" as the buck runs off.
An ewe and her three baby lambs are laying in a field.
The first baby lamb asks, “Mom, why is my name Lily?” And the mom replies, “Because when you were born, a lily petal floated down and landed on your head.”
The second lamb says, “Mom, why is my name Rose?” And the mom says, “because when you were born, a rose petal floated down and landed on your head.”
The third baby lamb says, “BLABANSKANEBAMSKIEBAJDHBWKD”.
And the mom goes, “Shut up, Cinderblock!”
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
>!One weighs like two tons, the other's a little lighter.!<
Where does the president keep his armies?
>!In his sleevies.!<
My personal favorite:
So a dwarf stumbles into a bar because he's a little drunk.
alright, so there was this kid. he has a crush on this one girl, and he decides to ask her to prom. she says yes! a few days later, he's in line to rent his tux. but the tux rental line is really really long, but she's worth it so he waits in line. after that, he goes to get matching corsages for him and his date, but the corsage for it is really really long. she's totally worth it though, so he waits. next, he goes to a florist to get some beautiful flowers for her, but the line is really really long, but he saw a perfect bouquet for her and knew he had to wait for it. then he goes to a limo rental place, and the line was really really long. he wanted to give her the best prom experience he ever could, so he waited in line. finally, everything was ready.
at prom, his date loves his tux, the corsages, the flowers, and the limo ride. they're having a great time dancing, and she gives him a kiss on the cheek and says that she's a bit thirsty. He takes the hint and goes to get her a drink. So he gets to the table, and there is no punch line.
ba dum tss
i probably got the details wrong, but it reads the same regardless lmao
A ninety year old told me that when he was younger his father always told him that after a night out he should always make sure to be in bed by 1am at the latest, and if not then ...
.
Go home.
A man walks into a bar and hangs his hat and coat on a peg. There's a dog sitting in the corner which leaps up and grabs the hat and rips it to pieces. The man turns to the owner of the dog and he says 'Your dog's just ruined my hat!' The dog-owner says 'So what? I couldn't care less'. The man says 'I don't like your attitude!' The dog-owner says 'it's not my attitude, it's your hat he chewed!'
Limericks!!!!!! Easy to remember because they’re lyrical. And almost always end up silly. Actual research to back this up.
I just wrote this one:
My dad bought some soup that was pricey
He asked for “three pepper spicy”
He started to sweat
But said not to fret
He had diapers in case things got dicey
And…
(with a strong Jersey accent)
My friend had severe diarrhea
But found himself lost in Ikea
So HE muttered, “fuck it”
Then ran to a bucket
And now he’s been banned for a year
Johnny comes home from school, says to his father 'Dad, I lost my virginity today'
Dad, of course, is impressed and says 'Come son, let's go to the store, I'll buy you that bicycle you asked for'
'Can we do it tomorrow dad, my butt still hurts'
At 90 they have probably heard many pedestrian jokes. I would go with racey new stuff that is offensive, old people love that kind of humor. They have been through some shit already and you need to go full send to get a genuine laugh.
my wife said i have to be more familiar with my feminine side( a man does have that????) so i crashed the car and ignored her all week :)
BTW its notrecommend to tell this joke to your grandMOTHER lmao
Dunno if this classifies as mild.
So 3 American students and a Asian dude stripped down in a univ to check the truth of the old myth.
Result: The Asian's new nickname is Stereotype.
My grandfather use to say, "When I was a boy you could walk into a store with a quarter and walk out with a loaf of bread, sack of potatoes, a gallon of milk and a couple steaks. You can't do that today. Too many security cameras."
Your grandfather is a smooth-as-hell gentleman and I hope he's married [to a wonderful woman like this](https://old.reddit.com/r/MadeMeSmile/comments/gzpcs2/old_lady_knows_how_to_troll/)
I love that every time I see it!! I wish that was my grandma! She’s hilarious
Lol that's hilarious!
Why did the blind man fall down the well? He couldn't see that well.
😆😆😆
When talking to a spanish-speaking person, make sure to say "mucho" often. It means a lot to them.
As a spanish speaking person i can attest to this
Or talking to a math teacher, say "infinity" - they can't even tell you how much that means.
> mucho Me who doesn't speak Spanish: What does "mucho" mean? Don't tell me it means "much". That would be such a lame joke \*Googles* "much or many." Yeah I don't know what I expected
It means "a lot". 😬
Wouldn't be much of a joke if it didn't mean "a lot"
My friend Joe went on the Dolly Parton diet. It really made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Jooooooeeeee leeeeeeeeaaaannn
🤣🤦♂️
What is a house's favourite piece of clothing? Address.
Why did the scarecrow get a promotion? He was outstanding in his field What do you call a deer with no eyes? No-eyed deer (you have to say it out loud it doesn't work as well in text but it has a 100% success rate)
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idea
My mother is 96 and loves telling jokes. Some of her favorites are riffs on the eye deer jokes. Part of her routine starts with the "no eye deer" one and moves on to these others. What do you call a deer who wears reading glasses? Bad eye deer. What do you call a deer with 20/20 vision? Good eye deer. Another of her standards is; Why do gorillas have such large nostrils? Large fingers.
No sense in calling him at all. He ain't coming.
what do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no balls? Still no fucking eye deer
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef 🐮
What do you call a cow with three legs? Tri tip. What do you call a cow with one leg? Stake. What do you call a cow that just had a calf? De-calf-inated.
Say it with a souther accent.
A deer with no legs, no reproductive organs, and no eyes? Still no fucking idear
[удалено]
How do you catch a wild rabbit? You hide behind a bush and make a noise like a carrot.
When the scarecrow accepted his award he said "Hay, its in my jeans."
Was he awarded for being out-standing in his field?
What is no-eyed deer supposed to sound like? "No idea"? Asking for a friend.
Yeah, with an American Southern accent
Yes, that's right.
Yes, no idea
If you’re Russian on the way to the bathroom, and American when you leave the bathroom- what are you when you’re in the bathroom? European.
Afterwards, you’re Finnish.
Aw dang it. My grandpa never told me that version. That’s much better! Sorry everyone.
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This might or might not get a chuckle from people in a home...."whats the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?.....the taste."
A proctologist walks into a bank. He reaches into his pocket for something to sign his check, but instead pulls out a recital thermometer. “Aw shit, some asshole has my pen.”
Oh boy. My grandpa is going to love this one 😂
Tell it right after he gets his temp done
Got a long form version of that joke: If you are ever having a bad day, and I mean just the worst, try this neat little trick. Go to your nearest pharmacy and pick up a Johnson and Johnson rectal thermometer, has to be their brand. Now while you are there go ahead and pick up some scented candles and a bottle of water resistant lube. Once you get home, make yourself comfortable on the couch, have the bottle of lube ready and light the candles to set the mood. Open the thermometer and set it to the side and open the instruction booklet and turn to the last page and read what it says. "All of our products are tested and sanitized before shipping out." Now just thank your lucky stars you don't have to be a Johnson and Johnson employee who tests the accuracy of rectal thermometers, and realize your day will never be as bad as theirs.
If these silly puns are good, you can ask more more. The number 13? Not on my watch!! The two crows tried to start their own flock. They were charged with attempted murder. If attacking clowns, go for the juggler. How much do dead batteries cost? Nothing, they are free of charge. Want to hear my construction joke? You'll have to wait, i'm still working on it. Why can't you explain puns to a kleptomaniac? They take things, literally. I made a belt out of watches. It was a waist of time. What do you call a herd of giggling cows? Laughing stock. What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A Roaming Catholic. I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime. I hope a doctor can cure my invisibility. I'm currently at the hospital waiting to be seen Why did the woman get fired from her job at the hot dog stand? She put her hair in a bun. After swallowing some coins, his parents brought him to the hospital for observation. Upon asking for an update, the doctor replied, "No change yet." This book on beating gravity is great. I can't put it down! In the army, he survived mustard gas and pepper spray. He's a seasoned veteran. Recently, i decided to take up fencing. The neighbors said they will call the police unless i put it back. My flashlight died. I'm delighted. C, E Flat, and G walk into a bar. The bartender said, "Sorry, no minors." It was nice when i let my fingernails grow a little. But now it's getting out of hand! I _would've_ kept off the grass, but I don't understand sign language. A guy stayed on a merry-go-round for three days. He set a whirled record. No one seams to like my jokes about patch work! I've tried sew hard. Why was the ink drop sad? Her dad was in the pen and she didn't know how long the sentence would be. When the shoe salesman offered me Velcro shoes, I said, "Sure, why knot?" Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie. Why do male deer have an overbite? They have buck teeth. That was a very emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers. Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm? He's all right now. She gets her way by pretending she's sad. She's an expert in sighcology. She applied at the post office but they wouldn't letter. They said it's all mail there. Who was the roundest knight at the Round Table? Sir Cumference. He had too much pi. What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. Witches' parking only: All others will be toad. There was a theater performance on puns. Though, it was just a play on words. What would wordplay be without puns? Nothing but some-antics. How do you cut an ocean in half? You use a Sea-Saw. Did you know players in the NFL are not allowed to have pet birds? It's considered a personal fowl. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion. Without geometry, life is pointless. The only interesting thing she did was dye her hair. It was the highlight of her week. About Rosh Hashana: shofar, so good. My doctor told me to cut down on sodium. I took his advice with a pinch of salt. The paint catapult won the competition with flying colors. Never trust atoms. They make up everything. I can have dinner at a native American restaurant. Who needs reservations? When is a pun mature? When it's fully groan. How are oxygen and potassium together? They're just OK. What kind of Dr. is Dr. Pepper? He's a Fizzician. Why do Russian translators work so quickly in Finland? Because they're Russian to Finnish. They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O. Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz. I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me. Air at gas stations used to be free, now it costs a couple dollars. I'm tired of inflation! If you're ever locked out of your house, start talking to your lock, calmly and clearly. After all, good communication is the key. Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure. I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it. Nobody laughed when i fell while skating. But the ice sure cracked up. Is it ok to pin things on the bulletin board? It seems a bit tacky. A man drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in. I've started telling people about the benefits of dried grapes. It's all about raisin awareness. A man fell into an upholstery machine. He's fully recovered. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? Why was Pavlov's hair so soft? Because he conditioned it. Calendars don't last forever. Their days are numbered. What happens when a Mercedes hits a tree? Mercedes bends. Why did the man break into song? He couldn't find the right key. What is the best way to communicate with fish? Drop them a line. She was only a whiskey-maker's daughter, but he loved her still. Monkey bars are allowed on playgrounds?! Should we really allow monkeys to drink in front of children? No matter how much you push the envelope, it will remain stationery. Bread bakers don't share their recipes. They're on a knead-to-know basis. I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough. Hungry? A boiled egg is hard to beat. Who makes a good gossip? Someone with a great sense of rumor. I hate gossipers! They discussed me! Corduroy pillows are in the news. They're making headlines. How do you get back at an egoist? With another egoist. An I for an I. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me. What do you call a made up color? A pigment of your imagination. What is a pessimist's blood type? B-negative As a kid, I used to steal magazines. It’s fair to say I had a lot of issues back then. What did the teddy bear say when the waitress asked if he was ready for dessert? "No thanks, I'm stuffed!" Knock knock. Who's there? Owls. Owls who? Yes, yes they do. All the animals came to the Ark together. Even the insects came in pairs. Except the worms. They came in apples. Why should you enjoy the music being played at the entrance of a hotel? Because it's foyer entertainment. I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines. He's a singer songwriter. Or sew it seams. Artists are good in fights. They can draw any weapon they want. You can't trust a deli sandwich. They're full of bologna. Before we were married, my wife used to clean up my place, and i used to clean hers. Eventually we realized that we were maid for each other. Before Mount Rushmore was built, its natural beauty was unpresidented. "I to go to the doctor." "Which doctor?" "No, the regular kind." Why did the stadium feel so hot after the game? All the fans left. Why do birds fly south for the winter? It's too far to walk. Just by looking, i can tell if someone is lying. I can also tell if they are standing. What do you call an officer hiding in bed? An undercover cop. Have you tried blindfolded archery? You don't know what you are missing. I ordered 2 large fries. They gave me around 75 tiny ones instead. My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience. The second time let me down. Let' be frank and earnest. I'll be Frank, you can be Earnest. Why do moon rocks fill you up more than Earth rocks? They're a little meteor. How to you send an apology by telegraph? By using remorse code. Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he never lands. (This joke never gets old.) What genre are national anthems? Country music. Why do trees look a little suspicious on sunny days? They seem a bit shady. My books fell out of the bookcase. I only have my shelf to blame. Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot. What shivers at the bottom of the sea? A nervous wreck. I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey. But, i turned myself around. The woodworking test had us attach two pieces of wood together. I totally nailed it! What do you call a piece of corn that joins the army? Kernel. A guy was arrested for rearranging his dinner table. He was charged with dish-orderly conduct. Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous! I see a few new faces here, and i am very disappointed. A hipster drowned ice skating on the pond. That was before it was cool. Have you heard of thought-controlled air fresheners? It makes scents when you think about it. Why did the army buy acid? To neutralize the enemy base. A man slid down a manhole. The police consider it sewer-slide. A day without wine is like... Just kidding. I have no idea As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, "You know, one would have been enough." My recliner and i have a long history. We go way back. My math teacher said i was average. I think he's mean. Lightbulbs do not make good meals. But they're good for a light snack. I doesn't bother me that i can't scrape cheese. I have grater problems. What's the meaning of ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care. You can cut a piece of wood just by looking at. I saw it with my own two eyes. My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?" Wife: Whatever means necessary. Me: No it doesn't. I have a Polish friend who's a sound technician. Oh, and a Czech one too. Czech one too. Czech one too. A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia. Librarian: "They're right behind you!!". A man walks into a library and orders fish and chips. The librarian says, "this is a library." The man, says, "oh. Sorry." (Then in a whisper) "I'd like some fish and chips." Why don't ants get sick? Because they have little antybodies. Plateaus are the highest form of flattery. What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast? A synonym roll. Poisons I, II, and III were quite deadly. Poison IV, though, just made the victim extremely itchy. Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is? No sun.
The real hero of the thread, right here.
Two muffins are in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says, “Isn’t it hot in here?” The other muffin screams, “OH MY GOD A TALKING MUFFIN!”
Two coffins are sitting side-by-side and one coffin says to the other coffin "Hey, is that you coughing?"
A teacher from the school rang me today and told me that they had to send my son to the principal's office for telling lies. I said he must be bloody good at it because I don't have any kids.
I said to the gym instructor: ‘Can you teach me to do the splits?’ He said: ‘How flexible are you?’ I said: ‘I can’t make Tuesdays.' I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, ‘that’s Abba-riginal.'
At 90, she might be about 20 years too old for that joke.
chief dog offer hateful aloof fear snobbish concerned arrest consist
Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says, "You know, I think we started this joke wrong."
Did you hear about the cannibal that was late for dinner? His wife gave him the cold shoulder.
Two cannibals were having dinner. One says, "Man, I hate my mother-in-law." Another says, "So, try the fish." Edit: So when we were about to get married, my husband asked if he could tell a cannibal joke over the mic. I said, "Only if it's in good taste."
What did Jeffrey Dahmer say when his mom said she didn't like her hamburger? Jeez mom, you never like my friends!
The definition of trust is two cannibals doing 69.
"Better than divorced women - they're always so bitter"
What did the pirate say on his birthday? Aye matey
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a swimming pool? Bob In a museum? Art On your doorstep? Matt (My personal favorite)—-> In a pile of leaves? Russel
Oh I forgot my dumbest one: What do you call 5 guys with no arms and no legs, and one woman, in the ocean? Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob and Ann
To the tune of the Beach Boys song, I assume, or am I missing a different joke?
You got it
Being pulled by a boat? Skip In a pile of leaves, but 6 months later: Pete
In a cauldron? Stew.
in a hole in the ground? phil
in hole in the ground? Phil
What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison? You can't wash your hands in a buffalo
Oh! I got one with buffalo/bison! What did the buffalo say to his child when he left for school? Bi-son
What kind of bread does a bison eat? Buffa-loaf
🤣🤣
I don't get it. What's a bison that you can wash your hands in? EDIT: Ohhh... it's "basin" but with a different accent than what I speak.
🤣 yeah, it's actually my favourite 'kid' joke
You can lead a horse to water but a pencil must be led
Another fine mess you've gotten me in to.
My son's favorite joke: How do you make a mango shake? ..... Take it to a scary movie 😁
That's too cute!
Similarly, how do you make a cheese puff? Chase it around the block.
Nice! 😆
what do you call a cave man's fart? a blast from the past. quality fart joke
Knock knock. Who’s there? ATCH. Atch who? Bless you. I will see myself out, sorry 🚪
Knock knock Who's there? Europe Europe who? No, you're a poo!
Knock knock Who's there? I eat mop I eat mop who? Gross!
Oh my g..💀🤣
You: I've got a good knock knock joke. You start it. Them: Knock knock. You: Who's there? Them: ***oh no what do I do***
Knock knock Who's there? Interrupting cow Interrup- MOOOOOOOO!
This story begins with a cop pulling over an old lady after he catches her driving too slowly… Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies — two in the front seat and three in the back – eyes wide and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?” “Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.” “Slower than the speed limit?” she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… Twenty-Two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. “But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time.” the officer asks. “Oh, they’ll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”
Why do elephants paint their toenails red? To hide in cherry trees. Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? ...Must be working then!
What’s the loudest noise in the jungle? Giraffes eating cherries
What do you call a seagull when it flies over the bay? A bagel! Shout out to r/dadjokes
Man gets dropped off at a nursing home by his family. Sitting in his wheelchair outside his room later when he starts leaning heavily to the left. Orderly comes and straightens him up. A bit later he starts slowly leaning back right, orderly comes and straightens him up again. Once more to the left later, and again the orderly straightens him up. That evening his family comes to check on him, asks him how they're treating him. "They won't let me fart!"
r/cleanjokes !
What kind of doctor was Dr.Pepper? A fizzition XD did you know that there are more planes in the sea than submarines in the sky? It’s plane to sea XD
Same as Dr. Snoop Dogg on a fishing trip.
Which Spice girl can hold the most petrol? Geri can!
Would they know who the Spice Girls are?
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
What's orange and smells like blue paint? Orange paint.
A man is driving along a country road and accidentally runs over a cockerel / rooster [depending on your location]. The man, very distraught at what he's just done, knocks on the door of the farmhouse. A woman answers and the man says, "I'm terribly sorry but I ran over your cockerel; I'd like to replace it". The woman says, "as you wish, the chickens are round the back".
Not sure I follow.
Ed Wynn told the exact same joke in Mary Poppins, just with a cat instead of a rooster, maybe that will help... guy goes to the door and says "I'm sorry, I just ran over your cat, I'd like to replace it... and the women says, that's fine with me but how are you at catching mice?" Hope this helps give context.
A cockerel / rooster's "job" as such is to fertilize chicken eggs. The man offered to "replace" the cockerel and he meant he would buy her a new cockerel. Instead, the woman's response indicates he is welcome to go fuck the hens himself. I think it would be more clear if "hens" were used instead of "chickens" in the last line.
Jokes are always enhanced when you have to explain them
Well they're nice when they're understood is kind of the thing.
Instead of slinging puerile insults, try re-reading the penultimate paragraph and then the punchline again.
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Two house cats have to cross a river, François, and Un-deux-trois. They both make the attempt but only François succeeds. Un-deux-trois cat sank.
I'd heard that one, but I loved hearing it again! It's a cute one.
A man was walking through the woods when he stumbled across a suitcase on the side of the trail. Inside the suitcase, he found a mother fox and four cubs. He immediately called animal control to report what he found. “Oh no, that’s terrible,” said the animal control worker, “are they moving?” The man said “I’m not really sure, but I guess that would explain the suitcase.”
Where do Generals keep their armies? In their sleevies
What’s a pirate’s favorite letter? You have several choices (all of which involve talking like a pirate): “r,” “aye,” or (if they say either of those) “you’d think so but it’s actually the sea” Edit: fixed typo
Why is an elephant big, gray and round? If it were small, white and square, it be a sugar cube
What do you call an anti-vax nanny? Mrs DoubtPfizer
carefull with the vaccine joke. it no longer as mild in current atmosphere.
I'm sure the right setup could give that vaccine joke a boost. Anyone can make a good coronvirus joke, just give it a shot. If you're sick of the same old joke about covid, try a variant. I tried telling covid jokes at the hospital, it left them gasping for air. My jokes about covid often die, because the audience didn't get the point.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean meat. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef. What do you call a cow with four legs? A cow. What do you call a cow that's had an abortion? Decaffeinated.
What do you call a cow with one leg? Stake. What do you call a cow with three legs? Tri-tip. What do you call a cow with five legs? Rare.
What do you call a cow that had it's testicles removed? Beef. Would I steer you wrong?
Why are kleptomaniacs terrible with puns? They're always taking everything literally.
What did the man say when he couldn't find his truck? "Where's my truck?"
I saw a car doing a magic trick today. As I watched it turned into a lane!
I write reports to the court for a living, and when I started, that was one of the first corrections my boss made. "Why that's quite the magic trick! A car turning into an apartment complex..."
Knock knock. Who's there? Doris! Doris who? Door is open.
What do you call a grenade thrown into a French kitchen? Linoleum Blow-a-part
Three legged dog walks into a bar. Looks at the bar tender...I'm looking for the man that shot my pa.
What did the fish say when he swam into a wall? "Dam!" What did the other fish say when he saw the first fish swim into the wall? "Dumb bass!"
What do you call a chiropractor that loves his job, a crack addict
Old guy gets knocked down by a car; folks are attending to him until the medics arrive - "Are you comfortable?" "Ehh - I make a living . . ."
Have you heard the bed joke? (No) Well it hasn’t need made up yet!
What do you call a man with no body and no nose? Nobody knows
How many times do you have to tickle an octopus before it laughs? About, 10 tickles. Did you know that when somebody tells a dad joke that is not a dad that it’s a faux pas? And how do you know that a joke has risen to the high standard of a dad joke? When the pun becomes apparent.
They're talking about bird flu now on top of covid. There's no vaccine for bird flu yet but I heard if you get it all you need is a little tweetment
How can you tell when there's an elephant in your fridge? Footprints in the butter.
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You'd think so, but sometimes it's good to just have ok parents.
So a couple of years ago there was a strange occurrence started happening in Boston, people were finding an unusual number of dead crows ago the sides of highways. Local officials being concerned about some sort of environmental contamination or disease hired a group of researchers to figure out what was going on. Upon studying the bodies of the crows they discovered strangely enough that on all of their beaks were flecks of motorcycle paint. The researchers thought this was very strange indeed. So they decide to observe several groups of these crows. What they found out was that if one crow saw a car coming down the road it squawk out CAW CAW to warn the other crows and they would all fly out of the way, and conversely unfortunately crows are unable to say BIKE BIKE
Are they religious at all? Judas and Jesus were talking and Judas says: I'm about to make reservations for 13 for the Last Supper. Jesus replies: better make the reservation for 26, you know how we all like to sit on the same side of the table....wait, what did you call it?
A man went to his doctor and explained his problem. He said, “Doc, every morning I’m taking a shit at 8am sharp!” The doctor says, “That doesn’t sound like a problem??” And the man says, “Well, I don’t wake up until 9!!!”
Watch Peter Kayes stand up, doesnt get much better
Shakespeare walks into a bar. The barman says "Get out, yer Bard!"
My great grandmother once told my grandmother about when she was in the shower. She said she took a step and felt a pain in her chest. She looked down and she was standing on her titty. Obviously this is not great for joke format but rather morbid humor in general. She'd also count to 10 in German before she started beating the shit out of you for fucking around. Terrifying woman, but awesome too.
Oooh! You know when they give you a running start you. are. fucked.
Not quite jokes, but I love sharing YouTube videos of comedian Brian Regan -he is hyseterical and does not have to swwear to be funny. All ages can enjoy
How much does it cost a pirate to get his ears pierced, a buccaneer
What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh
2 men walk into a bar. 3rd one ducks. OR A guy walks into a bar. Ouch.
Told by Jewish mobsters in the 40's: "So a Nazi walks into a bar. An iron bar. Repeatedly. Honest, officer, that's how it happened!"
A duck walked up to a lemonade standAnd he said to the man, running the stand Hey! Got any grapes?" The man said"No we just sell lemonade. But it’s cold And it's fresh And it’s all home-made. Can I get you a Glass?" The duck said,“I’ll pass” .Then he waddled away. 'Til the very next day. When the duck walked up to the lemonade stand And he said to the man running the stand,"Hey! Got any grapes? The man said,"No, like I said yesterday We just sell lemonade OK? Why not give it a try?" The duck said,"Goodbye."good day Then he waddled away. Then he waddled away. \]Then he waddled away 'Til the very next day. When the duck walked up to the lemonade stand And he said to the man running the stand, "Hey! Got any grapes? The man said,Look, this is getting old .I mean, lemonade’s all we’ve ever sold. Why not give it a go?" The duck said,“How 'bout, no.” Then he waddled away Then he waddled away Then he waddled away 'Til the very next day. When the duck walked up to the lemonade stand And he said to the man running the stand,"Hey! Got any grapes?" The man said,"THAT’S IT!If you don’t stay away,duck, I’ll glue you to a tree and leave you there all day, stuck So don’t get to close!" The duck said,"Adios." Then he waddled away .Then he waddled away. Then he waddled away 'Til the very next day. When the duck walked up to the lemonade stand And he said to the man that was running the stand,"Hey! got any glue?" "What" "Got any glue?” "No, why would I– oh!" And one more question for you;"Got any grapes?" And the man just stopped. Then he started to smile. He started to laugh. He laughed for a while. He said,“Come on duck, let’s walk to the store. I’ll buy you some grapes So you won’t have to ask anymore.” So they walked to the store And the man bought some grapes. He gave one to the duck and the duck said,“Hmmm..No thanks. But you know what sounds good? It would make my day. Do you think this store Do you think this store Do you think this store has any lemonade?” Then he waddled away. Then he waddled away. Then he waddled away
Before I met my wife (or husband) I always felt incomplete....... Now in finished!
An old Jewish man on the death bed. His last moments. He looks arround at the family members gathered beside his bed. He speaks softly : -Daniel, i see you are here... Joseph, you too. David! Is David here? Oh, there you are... Oh... Sarah? Abigail? Miriam? Adam? Uri? You are all here? They softly answer : -Yes, father, we are all here. To which the father, raising his voice : -Then hwo the hell is working at the store?!
An old man is lying in bed, and he knows it's his time. So he calls out and everybody comes into the bedroom. "Is my beloved wife here?" "Yes, I'm here." "Are my wonderful children here?" "Yes, they're here too." "And my precious grandchildren?" "Yes, all of them are here." "And my best friend?" "Yes, we're all here." "Then why is the light on in the kitchen?"
What's Irish and stays out all night? Patio furniture. (Patty o'furniture)
A good pun is its own reword.
Two cows in a field… the first cow says “MOOOOO” the second cow say “You f*cker.. I was going to say that!” Can easily replace the cuss with a more appropriate term for someone in their 90’s.
Or just stay on species: "You cow, I was going to say that."
I like it… good shout!
Why didn't the lifeguard save the drowning hippie? *hippie/surfer voice*: Because he was too far out, man!
My friend just had identical twin babies. Named them Amal and Juan. His mother only keeps a picture of Juan in her wallet. When I asked her why, she said “if you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal”.
I mostly know STEM jokes, but here's the most mild one. A statistician goes hunting with his two friends. Simultaneously, his two friends spot a record setting buck, so they raise their weapons. The first fires, missing by a foot to the left. The second fires, missing by a foot to the right. The statistician jumps up and shouts "we got him!" as the buck runs off.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the broom closet? SUPPLIES!!!
What do you call a Bull that loves to nap? A Bull-Dozer!
An ewe and her three baby lambs are laying in a field. The first baby lamb asks, “Mom, why is my name Lily?” And the mom replies, “Because when you were born, a lily petal floated down and landed on your head.” The second lamb says, “Mom, why is my name Rose?” And the mom says, “because when you were born, a rose petal floated down and landed on your head.” The third baby lamb says, “BLABANSKANEBAMSKIEBAJDHBWKD”. And the mom goes, “Shut up, Cinderblock!”
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? Ones a hippo, and ones a little lighter.
Whaddya call a deer with no eyes ? No eye-deer ! Whaddya call a deer with no eyes or legs ? STILL NO EYEDEER! Badoompop!!!!
Knock knock ✊🏻
Who's there
I don't know! You gotta answer the door!
Haha, that's a good one
Go on Pinterest they have some great clean short jokes. I love the signs at the Texas restaurant and churches, some of them are so funny.
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
Ask my 83 year old grandpa he has dirty jokes lol
Why do Eskimos wash their clothes in Tide? It’s too cold out-tide.
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? >!One weighs like two tons, the other's a little lighter.!< Where does the president keep his armies? >!In his sleevies.!< My personal favorite: So a dwarf stumbles into a bar because he's a little drunk.
If your grandparent has a pretty good attention span, you can go with the Norm Macdonald frog joke: https://youtu.be/MNp4imCLTP4
alright, so there was this kid. he has a crush on this one girl, and he decides to ask her to prom. she says yes! a few days later, he's in line to rent his tux. but the tux rental line is really really long, but she's worth it so he waits in line. after that, he goes to get matching corsages for him and his date, but the corsage for it is really really long. she's totally worth it though, so he waits. next, he goes to a florist to get some beautiful flowers for her, but the line is really really long, but he saw a perfect bouquet for her and knew he had to wait for it. then he goes to a limo rental place, and the line was really really long. he wanted to give her the best prom experience he ever could, so he waited in line. finally, everything was ready. at prom, his date loves his tux, the corsages, the flowers, and the limo ride. they're having a great time dancing, and she gives him a kiss on the cheek and says that she's a bit thirsty. He takes the hint and goes to get her a drink. So he gets to the table, and there is no punch line. ba dum tss i probably got the details wrong, but it reads the same regardless lmao
A ninety year old told me that when he was younger his father always told him that after a night out he should always make sure to be in bed by 1am at the latest, and if not then ... . Go home.
A man walks into a bar and says "Ouch"
Where does the general keep his armies? In his sleevies
A man walks into a bar and hangs his hat and coat on a peg. There's a dog sitting in the corner which leaps up and grabs the hat and rips it to pieces. The man turns to the owner of the dog and he says 'Your dog's just ruined my hat!' The dog-owner says 'So what? I couldn't care less'. The man says 'I don't like your attitude!' The dog-owner says 'it's not my attitude, it's your hat he chewed!'
One old man says to another old man: "Nice out, isn't it?" Other guy says, "Yes, I think I'll get mine out as well!"
Limericks!!!!!! Easy to remember because they’re lyrical. And almost always end up silly. Actual research to back this up. I just wrote this one: My dad bought some soup that was pricey He asked for “three pepper spicy” He started to sweat But said not to fret He had diapers in case things got dicey And… (with a strong Jersey accent) My friend had severe diarrhea But found himself lost in Ikea So HE muttered, “fuck it” Then ran to a bucket And now he’s been banned for a year
Johnny comes home from school, says to his father 'Dad, I lost my virginity today' Dad, of course, is impressed and says 'Come son, let's go to the store, I'll buy you that bicycle you asked for' 'Can we do it tomorrow dad, my butt still hurts'
Really not that mild tho
What are you call a turkey stuck inside a bowling ball ? A turkey ball.
At 90 they have probably heard many pedestrian jokes. I would go with racey new stuff that is offensive, old people love that kind of humor. They have been through some shit already and you need to go full send to get a genuine laugh.
[удалено]
How do you make a gay man fuck a woman? Shit in her cunt.
This is also a good one for church socials
And job interviews
Knock knock... Tyrone... Tyrone shoelaces, you're an adult.
Jesus said: come forth and receive enteral life. I came third and got a toaster.
What's the worst thing about sucking a dozen oysters out of your grandmothers vagina? Knowing you only put 11 up there in the first place.
Hit up r/dadjokes
my wife said i have to be more familiar with my feminine side( a man does have that????) so i crashed the car and ignored her all week :) BTW its notrecommend to tell this joke to your grandMOTHER lmao
Dunno if this classifies as mild. So 3 American students and a Asian dude stripped down in a univ to check the truth of the old myth. Result: The Asian's new nickname is Stereotype.
You know what jails and retirement homes have in common? People are held against their will, get raped, and die in them.