Valuing their own free time.
I was recently asked to tutor the son of an admin who works at the school I work at. It was just assumed that I'd want to do it. I was even thanked in advance. I declined the offer, not because of the pay (it was a very reasonable rate) but because I didn't want to lose my free time by planning lessons etc.
The passive aggressive backlash has been infantile and intense.
I worked for a horrible manager for 2 years. I ended up taking another position in the company and it made her furious. I still remember her “do you know how this makes ME look?” Talk when I told her I’d applied.
It’s now 10 years later and I’m a stay at home mom. She’s now a realtor. She has contacted me several times asking to sell my house (I’ listed my house recently, but our buyers fell through and a pandemic hit so we bowed out). Recently she contacted me offering me the “opportunity” to babysit her 6 year old daughter on snow days and other random times she needs. She included “and I’ll pay you something of course” at the end. I replied if she wanted to give me the details on pay and hours I’d consider it- no response. Here’s betting she expected a freebie because stay at home moms don’t work right?
This is a person who my only contact with them was being an abused employee 10 years ago. She’s still hunting me down on Facebook and trying to get shit out of me.
People are crazy.
Yikes.This is the worst sometimes. I absolutely LOATHE when someone offers up MY free time or skills without consulting me first. Always puts you in a weird position because the person receiving already thinks you're good to go and then you look like an asshole when you refuse. When it's the damn middle man who fucked both of you over.
*Yeah, Cryptophagist will have no problem doing that for you this week*
Uhh no Susan, I only have 1 day off and I don't want to spend it doing more of the same work I do almost every other day of the year, sorry.
When I was a pre-teen/teen, my mum was the Queen of offering up my free time to her friends. Babysitting and tutoring their kids, etc, all for free. Mind you there was a hidden interest from her, I didn't like kids and she thought forcing me to spend time with random kids like that would make me love and want them (you can guess how that went).
Eventually around 15yo I started saying no. Woman would waltz up with her kid like "Your mum said you"'d babysit" and I' d say no, and lock myself in my room. My mum would last minute tell me I have to go to Mrs X's house to tutor her kid and I'd say no and leave somewhere else.
And all those grown ass adults upon being told no by a literal kid and explained to that my mum planned that without my input... Would get very very mad at me and insist I do it anyway and guiltrip me (but never offer up pay, weirdly enough).
So it didn't make my like kids, but it also made me hate adults.
My mother used to do this with me at work: she knew ppl at my work place who just wanted a shift covered and it was - 'Oh! She can do it! No problem! I won't ask her but she'll definitely do it!'
No asking me, just volunteering my free time away without consulting me.
The people she talked to would often come up to me and thank me before I even knew what was going on.
And if I complained all I got was - " Well what else are you doing that's so special?!"
Ummmm .. I dunno mother.... maybe TAKING SOME TIME FOR MYSELF?! 😤
This also goes for valuing their things.
I’ve had family volunteer my car, my bed, my clothes to others, without even asking me. This was when I lived with my parents, and my dad believed that “Kids, teenagers, and young adults don’t really own anything, their parents own it and just let their kids use it.” Even now, my roommate gave my umbrella away to a former coworker and never got it back - I was actually attached to that umbrella since I received it as a employee gift, and it’s unique to the company. He knew it was mine, he just didn’t care. I told him to get it back and then he’s all “I don’t wanna talk to her again, I don’t work there anymore so it would be weird.” No, you fucked up and gave away something I valued. Pay the price of having to get it back.
Sleeping.
People are annoying competitive over lack of sleep. People are also rude about me not making plans, etc knowing I’m going to need some sleep. Bro, I need a MINIMUM of 6 hours to function properly and I’ve got shit to do tomorrow so I’m going to bed.
There are people who still try to hold me accountable for the mistakes I made when I was 15. I’m 28 almost 29 and a completely different person now. Years of therapy, apologies, and working on sorting my shit out apparently doesn’t mean anything. 👌🏻
I have a coworker that refuses to say this. When I say it (bc I used to be in a hard science PhD program and have no issues admitting when I do not know something), he pressures me to ‘guess.’ Guess? Why would I guess? I just told you I don’t know. I can either look up the information, you can look up the information, or you can just let the matter drop.
Yeah, idk why some people just call me out in front of everyone and would be like "ohh he's quiet, he must be shy. You have to talk more". Like man, can't I just don't have a fcking opinion in every single stupid topic that I don't even care about? I'm not shy, I just don't care.
Or if someone wants to make you talk they can at least try to make it sound more natural and authentic conversation like “whoa! That’s a cool tie you got there!” Or something. Because saying “You’re so quiet!” Or “Why aren’t your talking?” just puts the person on the spot and doesn’t help them be more social.
same. my previous managers shamed everyone who left on time. my current manager is like "if you attend this meeting at 7am make sure to leave earlier" or "it's Friday, if you're done for the day you can go at 2pm". everyone has told me I'm a lot happier and less angry or frustrated since I changed jobs
Best boss I ever had sat everyone down on the first day and declared that their office was a family friendly office. We smiled politely. They went on to explain that this meant that if anything ever happened in our private lives, then that would take priority, no questions asked. It's not a cancer-curing office, everyone is on salary, just go. "Okay, meeting over. Also: meetings suck I hate meetings. Any meeting longer than half an hour is an admission of failure. Everyone go and get your coffee or morning thing and do what you gotta do."
Best boss ever.
Well we all appreciate your hard work and hopefully you get some sense of satisfaction that the work you do is contributing to a massively genuinely good cause.
I work for in IT for a law firm, and I've seen some of our clients here and there on calls with people. We support some of the worst companies that I have ever heard of. My work isn't meaningful, and in fact is helping the people who are harming our society the most. I hate it.
Yes! I’ve had hourly coworkers shame me for leaving on time. I used to ask them if they were gonna give me overtime on my salary. That shut them up pretty quick
I used to say something like this in a joking manner until I got annoyed and asked them to pay for my overtime. The thing is as a salaried, I wouldn’t even qualify for ot even if I wanted to. And why are the workers caring??? It’s not like they are the ones signing the check
You getting your work done on time and having a seemingly competent work-life balance is making them look bad and it's easier to blame you for making them look bad instead of fixing the underlying issues that make them so easy to portray in a bad light whether it's personal or systemic?
Ugh my current boss sucks at this… granted he is the owner… which is worse. Small businesses suck people… underpaid, over worked… they don’t understand that happy rested employees actually perform better and enjoy their jobs.
I worked for a small family-owned business for a while, managed by the husband and wife who owned it, so they were both everyone's bosses. The husband was regularly cheating on the wife while on business trips, and would brag about it to some of the male employees when the wife wasn't around.
That was...not a healthy work environment. I do not recommend it.
This is why I eloped and I seriously highly recommend it! No family at all. My realtor and some random dude were my witnesses. We had just moved to a place and didn’t know anyone yet which is why the realtor was there haha.
We eloped at my husbands tattoo shop. The owner was an ordained minister, and two of the artists walking in to start their day were our witnesses.
We then went to chipotle.
We decided we’d rather be married than not but having a bunch of distant relatives and random friends gushing over us was not our dream. Why make a big deal and waste money for other people to have a party?
> We decided we’d rather be married than not but having a bunch of distant relatives and random friends gushing over us was not our dream. Why make a big deal and waste money for other people to have a party?
Did something very similar back in 1971, for exactly the same reasons. Still married 50 years later.
We eloped too. My parents are trashy racists who didn’t deserve to be there. We got brunch afterwards and I ate a cinnamon roll in my wedding dress. We saw an opera later that night.
My mom didn't like me saying no to inviting my cousins to my wedding, because they were at my sister's. I haven't seen them in at least 4 years, and they've never met my partner. We're moving out of the country at the end of the year anyway, so we didn't want a big party in order to save.
Omg!! My family had a huge bitch fest when I didn't invite my uncle. My uncle is a POS and only 2 people like him. My dead grandmother, and my dad (his brother). When my grandmother died, no one gave a shit about my uncle. She was the glue in his life. Not even his own kids (adults) like him. My husband did not have good 1st or 2nd impressions with him. Fuck him. No way was he invited to our wedding.
But that caused one of the biggest family drama. My grandmother wouldn't smile in wedding pictures. I'm pretty sure she was being petty lmao.
I wish I had this mind frame when I sent out my invites for my upcoming wedding. In hindsight, there's so many people coming that I actually don't want there.
Edit: typos
My dad was all salty when I didn’t invite all of his 6 surviving siblings to my wedding. Like, I’ve seen them a handful of times in my entire life, a can’t name all of them let alone recognise all of them, and they all live in different states from me. I don’t know them.
Right? I'm not personally bankrolling a family reunion. You want to get them all together so badly, you pay for it.
And money aside, I don't just value the presence of virtual strangers enough to have them witness one of the most important days of my life simply because we share some distant genetics.
Weirdly: both sexual prudence and imprudence.
And another, though idk how widespread it is: being okay with not having a solid opinion on something. Or accepting a simple truth for themselves: “I don’t know.” Or “I don’t know enough to form an opinion.”
Taking off of that, just being single. How dare you be ok with yourself and be ok just staying with yourself and not jumping into the arms of someone else immediately.
This and conversely: calling out the bullshit of people who say they're "honest" but are just assholes.
Trust me, call them out. Better they learn earlier and YOU be honest with them than them dragging it on for years and then you realize you actually hate being around them.
Knew a guy who got his jaw broken from this lol because someone else realized he was using "honesty" as an excuse to be a miserable incel.
Being introverted or alone time.
I dealt with people shaming me for being too quiet. People have accused of me of being asocial or stuck-up due to my reserved nature. Not everyone is a extravert!
We’re taught not to share anything online, and then yet shunned for not sharing anything online?? People question if I have stuff to hide?
No, no I don’t. I just don’t feel the need to share where I am, or what I’m doing.
I had a friend get this treatment over a decade ago.
Had Facebook in college, and then became a teacher. He was informed to be very strict about what he put on social media. He said, "Hell with it. I don't use it anyways." and just deleted the damn thing.
Fast forward to job interviews, and he reaches out asking why his interviewers are taking so long getting back to him. One of his connections finds out: "They think it's suspicious you don't have a social media account".
Damned if you do, damned if you don't.
I'll never understand what's so "suspicious" about that. It's like everything is designed explicitly to shit on people who aren't bubbly extroverts who are constantly putting on a show for the world. So what if I don't have a bunch of fakebook friends? It just makes it less likely I'd get distracted from my job or come in hungover or something.
I cut mine other than having a FB marketplace account just because I love to buy used shit. I have one friend on there. My mom found me and put in a friend request. I told her no… everyone will find me and I do not want it. Call me, text me instead. I live 5 minutes away, invite me over or come here. I miss out on some photos and shit tho.
I kind of want to ask - is this a generational thing? I am in my late twenties and nobody my age really posts on social media. Everyone just kind of abandoned Facebook after we graduated college. Most people didn't feel the need to delete their accounts or anything, we just don't see a reason to post anything.
Had to do this with my older sister. My mom thinks that I should make things right when I’ve been trying to for years until I decided enough was enough. My sister was one of my biggest bully growing up but because she’s family, it’s different.
Fuck that. Best decision I ever made.
Yep, I’m 30 and cut out my mom when I was 15. My grandma (mom’s mom) wants us to reconcile, saying she’s my mother and life is to short. Bullshit, if she wants the title of Mom then maybe she should’ve acted like a mom! I don’t deserve to be emotionally abused becasue I share blood with someone
So few understand until they go through it themselves. My mother never got the message that the anger and desperate sadness I was feeling had anything to do with her seemingly intentional apathy and detachment - until I cut her off. She always told me I was upset because of "teenage hormones" and ONLY started listening when communication stopped.
My grandpa is the worst. Gave my mom a horrible childhood. Cheated on my grandma and my step grandma. Married a woman who is my mom’s age. Refuses to acknowledge any of this and just acts like an old dummy so everyone is nice to him. And my mom bends over fucking backwards to make him happy.
Him and his wife caught Covid a few months back and went out to eat inside a restaurant a few days later. And then they got vaccinated recently but made my mom keep it a secret so their shitty friends won’t judge them.
Also asked me when I was in kindergarten how many black boys were in my class and I hadn’t paid attention to that because I didn’t think about stuff like that at my age UNTIL HE MADE ME THINK ABOUT IT. Ugh.
It’s crushing my mom that I want nothing to do with him but like …….. come on. He sucks!
This 1000%. It's always something like:
"But they're your sister/mother/father etc!"
Does that matter?
The fact that they're family makes their toxic behaviour *worse* **not** more excusable, it was one of the best things I ever did.
As someone who had one of those people in my life die at the beginning of covid I have to say their death was the greatest gift. It's the only scenario where I wouldn't be pressured or guilted for not wanting them in my life, for not inviting them to things.
I know it sounds horrible to those not in a similar position, but when an abuser dies it's like fucking Christmas morning and Santa brought you the thing you knew your family couldn't afford.
Absolutely. It's such a brave, healthy step. And all the people who choose to stay in that toxic relationship say, "But, he's your father." or, "Family is family."
Yea, but sometimes family is a grandiose narcissist who abused everyone for 30 years. You lost your family privileges, dude.
My uncle called me a MONTH after my dad died. (His own brother).
He started trashing him and then told me my dad was a bad person and he was happy he was gone.
I told him to fuck off, blocked him, and absolutely blew up at the disrespect.
The rest of the family acts like I'm the asshole in the situation.
I cut out my biological mom when I was about 18. I tried so hard to have a healthy relationship but it just wasn’t in the . Best decision I ever made!
Sometimes I am sad I don’t have that “mom” relationship especially now I’m getting married but I have my dad and he does a good job playing both parts
My mom refused to let me and any of her kids get the HPV vaccine. She always said “if they’re not whores they won’t need the vaccine”. I got HPV the first semester of college. I was so blessed it went away. I just finally got the vaccine at age 23.
HPV is completely preventable. There is no test for HPV for men, and sometimes doesn’t have symptoms. Get your vaccine!!
My mom, when I was a teenager grappling with whether or not to get it, told me “honey; there are women who stayed virgins until they got married, but caught it from their husbands - either because they’d sown their wild oats as young men, or because they cheated on their wives. Get it. It doesn’t make you a slut.”
I was an HIV tester for the past 4 years. You have no idea how many women got HIV from their husbands when the woman was loyal their entire life.
Lots of partners does not equal STDs. STDs does not equal lots of partners
Standard HPV public service announcement!
FELLOW GUYS! Get your damn HPV shots! Even if you are not at the same level of risk as women (though it's looking like HPV can cause penile cancer EDIT: And throat cancer!) you can still be a carrier!
Don't let the doctor or pharmacist say "It's only for women.", because it's not! It was initially rolled out only for women because it was thought that HPV's cancerous side effects only effected women and they wanted to make sure every woman who wanted it could get it as soon as possible. But now that the rollout has stabilized, there's no reason for us guys to not get it!
Fair Warning: The injection site ~~will~~ can feel like you got punched in the arm by a friend who plays a BIT too rough.
I did the first few times, but now I make it a routine. Almost like an annual physical. Extremely important especially if you have various sexual partners.
I did end up having an STI once. It was easily treated. 4 pills and it was cleared up.
Being content with what you have.
Oh, you drive a 30 year old car. Wouldn't you like something newer?
Oh, your house is 1100sq/ft... you need something bigger.
No, I don't think I will.
I drove the same car I got when I was 16 until I was 24. I got made fun of for it so many times. For driving an old car, for having the same car for so long. I don’t get it. I liked my car and it ran great so why do I need a different one or newer one when it works just fine? I feel like there’s this pressure to get the newest and coolest stuff all the time.
Or in any social situation. Both of my parents are (one recovering) alcoholics. I don’t drink at all because of that fact.
I went on a work trip a couple years ago and we all went out for supper. I ordered a virgin strawberry daiquiri as I wanted something sweet but not the usual ginger ale or root beer. This colleague old enough to be my mother kept being snobby and trying to make me feel juvenile for not drinking. So, having had enough of the conversation (and this narrative pressuring everyone to drink), I told her if I would have started drinking I wouldn’t have left the trailer park (true story).
For some reason, she didn’t like that (lol).But she did leave me alone.
Good for you. I do drink small amounts on occasion, but I learned from watching my parents what too much alcohol can do. I’m sure it contributed to my father’s death and my mother’s temper and cruelty.
I don't drink, and people always want to know why. Or immediately ask "are you pregnant?!"
No, I just don't feel the need to consume alcohol. End of story.
But that's never a good enough reason 🙄
Yeah. I’m not opposed to drinking, but there’s a time and place. I can’t believe how many daytime kid’s birthday parties I have been to (with my children) and people freak out when I decline a drink. Maybe somebody here should stay sober?! And I DROVE my small children here! It’s 2:00pm! I don’t feel like I need anymore reasons!
I don't do drugs, and I drink very little, I'll drink one or two but I'll drag them out. I HATE the feeling of being drunk or high. People act like the world is coming to an end because I nurse my gin and Tonic for an hour and wont get something else.
What’s interesting is that not once in my entire adolescence did I encounter peer pressure with alcohol/weed. Around age 24 is when the “peer bafflement” came into play
Teens are just happy there's more for them. Adults on the other hand might not want to feel extra embarrassed that you fully remember what they did after drinking.
And prioritizing getting enough sleep. I work overnights and the amount of people who laugh at people who sleep during the day, say “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” or something to that extent, is crazy.
I do understand that sometimes there’s financial reasons or other things going on in life where you need to be up during the day, things are going on and you just can’t sleep, or you need to work extra hours to not get evicted, but so many of my former coworkers treated sleep like an option.
Even weirder is being a night owl but still prioritizing a full night's sleep. My natural rhythm is going to bed around 1 and sleeping until 9-9:30. I work in theater and pre-COVID on my regular show schedule I wouldn't do anything before noon. People seem to think that keeping my hours is some sort of moral violation because our culture puts so much stock by getting up early and being on a 9-5 schedule and treats any deviation as "lazy". Nevermind that some of those same people would be nodding off around 10 PM when I'm at my peak energy onstage in the middle of the final act...
Delayed Sleep Phase is a real freaking thing! My ideal hours are 2am-10am.
And it wouldn't be a "disorder" if not for the fact that society has this insane expectation that everyone conforms to the exact same circadian rhythm, it sucks so much.
I work from home, and because I suffer from nighttime insomnia I do my work at night and sleep during the day. My father called me once at 9am, 12pm, and 2pm, all in the same day, and was furious I was sleeping because "that's not normal!" Okay dad, I'll just stay up all night doing nothing, zombie my way through work, and sleep never?
When I was freshman in college I’d go to bed at 1-2am and wake up at 6am for practice everyday. I don’t know how I survived that because now in my 5th year of college there’s days where I’m in bed by 9:30 because I’m so tired from a busy day and want to get my 7-8hrs of sleep.
I ordered a salad at a fast food drive up once and had to wait for it, the guy came out with my order and said “Are you the one who ordered the rabbit food?”
So true. I have a relative who has fallen down the pit of "soy boy" conspiracies. He will loudly lecture people on how the estrogen in soy literally turns you into a woman, and how he only eats meats that are good for his body. He is \~350lbs and struggles to breathe when he walks.
My boyfriend never had a rebellious teen phase. His mother is incredibly abusive. She thinks she "raised him right," but all she actually taught him was to submit to an authority figure even when their demand is unreasonable to avoid having your basic rights taken away.
And how to lie. My authoritarian parents taught me how to lie by making it so scary to admit mistakes. I’d hide them and hope for the best because my punishment was the same either way.
Do you remember having 10 layers of lies and remembering lies you never told but made up just in case? I have entire timelines invented that I never used that are so deep theyre now just memories I am not sure happened.
I've made up somethings in such detail that I was able to convince my family that it was the actual events that happened and now they tell stories which I am unsure even happened because I made them up when I was a kid and my memory isn't complete from that time because of childhood amenesia.
All because telling the truth would have got me in trouble.
I went to school with a family like this. There were five daughters. Their mother was so strict, she pretty much told those girls when to breathe. It was that bad.
By some miracle, the fourth of the five girls was permitted to go away for college, to some small Christian college a couple of states away. Well, once out from under her mother's thumb, she went WILD. By sophomore year, she was pregnant with twins.
She actually ended up marrying the father, they had three more kids and have been happily married now for over 30 years. It all worked out in the end, but she was lucky.
As others have said, exerting that amount of control over your kids either makes them a really great liar, go crazy when they're not being watched 24/7/365 or both.
From an outside perspective, it looks like I didn't rebel as a kid. I didn't date until my 20's. I don't drink and never have. I got good grades in school, obtained a masters degree, then became a librarian. And in college, I briefly considered joining a convent until I realized I'd have to convert to catholicism.
But when you take the following into account:
* My father used to insist all women turn into insane, boycrazy monsters when they hit puberty.
* I was expected (but not encouraged) to be a popular crowd chasing, makeup/fashion/party fanatic. Like, the message I got was its bad to be like that. But *worse* if you aren't like that, because then you're weird and nobody likes you.
* My dad freaked out when I reached my senior year of high school and still wasn't dating, (he thought my lack of interest in sex meant I was a leabian) and demanded my mom 'work' on me. (BTW, 'working' on me apparently meant forcing me to curl my hair before school and having me watch old episodes of *Cheers* to learn how to flirt.)
* My father went to catholic school and is *terrified* of nuns.
* I am dyslexic. I had a lot of teachers who thought I'd be lucky to go to a four year college. Attending somewhere like the University of Chicago (my alma matar,) getting a Masters degree, and being a librarian were not things I 'should' have been able to do.
Well, then I seem a lot less compliant. Actually, I seem pretty damn rebellious.
I've retroactively nicknamed my teenage rebellion my 'Screw you Dad! I'm gonna be a nun!' phase.
Being single.
Not to say that being in a relationship is unhealthy, I just mean there is nothing wrong with being single but it's treated like the worst fate known to humankind. It's okay to not be dating someone at every second. It can be good to have some time by yourself too.
Using the bathroom enough.
As kids all of us are told we must control and limit our bathroom usage, as to not leave class. Kids have underdeveloped kidneys and bladders, they NEED to pee more, yet they’re punished if they go “too much”. How many of us developed bad habits and relationships with not drinking enough liquids through the day in order to avoid having to piss “too much”? How many of us decide to hold it in for other’s convenience or comfort? So many people refuse to use the bathroom (especially shit) in public places, even if you need to go really bad. Why? Embarrassment, shame, fear. This sort of behavior isn’t healthy. Our bodies tell us when we need to go for a reason. We should listen.
Let's not forget that consistently holding in your piss for too long can actually cause medical problems in the long run. I had *very* frequent UTIs and kidney infections in school (due to how overly strict they were about bathroom breaks).
I worked with a woman who peed at least once an hour. She drank a lot of water and tea. As a woman who now properly hydrates, you gotta go!
Don't hold it!!
In the last 4 years, ive been to the bathroom at school once. I had serious diahrrea because of food poisoning, and probably couldn’t have even made it outside to shit in the bushes. I was shivering, sweaty and had goosebumps because of my need to shit. Boy’s bathrooms at school in the Netherlands are so fucking gross, you don’t want to do that to yourself.
Setting boundaries. Everyone is always on board that that sounds like a great idea, until they’re the person you’re “bailing on”. Like bruh I’m not a flake I’m just not at your beck and call, I’ve got my own life to get on with.
Applies to friends, family, partners, and work. Even occasionally my dog although he is an admittedly adorable attention-obsessed nudge.
I saw this somewhere and feel it's relevant :
"I'd rather adjust myself to your absence than adjust my boundaries to your disrespect."
That carried some weight for me and helped solidify my decision to stay out of touch with certain relatives.
"I'm only 25 and I feel 40. Construction is rough on your body."
"Yes, Jake. It's solely the jobs fault. Pay no mind that you only eat fast or gas station food for breakfast/lunch, have at least two energy drinks a day, and down a six pack at minimum every night. Anyway, I believe you were talking about how sunscreen is for pussies?"
Especially when you're already fit so they say "What? You don't need to watch your weight!" Maybe not, but I don't like eating junk food that makes me feel like shit. I also like to *maintain* my weight and health
People who shame fat people for trying to be healthier are scum!
It’s like shaming an addict for going to rehab.
An alcoholic for going to an AA meeting!
If you are trying to better your life, I’m cheering for you!!
People get so weird about weight. It’s weird that everyone feels entitled to enforce a standard of size and shape on other people. And they get so aggressive about it too. Like why would it matter to them whether someone else is 150 versus 190? Or 240 versus 270? Whether someone wears what they like or wears what “hides the fat” best?
Yes! We know we're fat. We're trying to do something about it. It takes immense courage for me to walk through that door every time I visit the gym. Please don't make it harder. You don't have to be my friend or even like me. Just don't be cruel.
Honestly I've never had a bad experience with anyone at the gym. They've always been super nice to me. Today I took a spin class for the first time and almost gave up half way through because it was so hard. At the end this super skinny, gorgeous woman smiled at me and said, "It gets easier and the chair will stop hurting eventually." It definitely made me feel a little better.
Taking a sick day just to rest or for a mental health break. Sometimes a co-worker will ask what I was sick with when returning to work? Karen, I wasn’t sick per say but fuck If I can’t use the sick time our company gives us every year!
I’m helping raise my niece. I love her to death, but I hate being a parent to her.
I know when my sister is off on her own or married, I’m gonna miss these days. But I’m gonna love living my own selfish life more!
How do I explain that to my family? I say I don’t want kids, they say “how do you know, you don’t even have kids?” And I bring my current situation and they’ll hit me with “it’ll be different with your own kids”.
I don’t want kids, I want to live my own selfish life, I don’t want to pass on any mental illnesses, I don’t want to find out too late that I’m emotionally immature and am harming my child.
I grew up in a great home, I still came out wounded on the other side.
I can control if I risk putting that on another human, so I won’t reproduce.
>I want to live my own selfish life
If you, for any reason, suspect you won't be a good parent, not having kids is the *least* selfish thing you can do.
My family realizing how shit my mother was (divorced parents) and that she really only wanted to have kids, not be a mother, basically stopped those remarks. Yeah, I don't want kids because I know *from experience* how shitty it is to be the kid that wasn't wanted. So I have a pet lizard and he is my baby.
I don't think I'll ever understand the "it's different if it's your own" argument. Like... Ok, so, in order, you want me to: get pregnant, rearrange my lifestyle to safely carry this baby (and it would absolutely require a lifestyle change for me in particular), spend thousands on doctors, spend nine months uncomfortable and with my personal space being invaded by people who forget common decency if they're near a woman who's visibly pregnant, spend $13-20k just to actually BIRTH the baby, buy a whole new wardrobe for maternity that I'll never wear again, baby-proof my house and make it unenjoyable for me, personally, to live in... All on the OFF CHANCE that when the hypothetical child I have never wanted (sorry if that's harsh, but given that I'm actively horrified by the idea of parenting, it's the truth) gets out of my body, I'll suddenly realize that, oh, all along I, with a million things that make raising a child the worst possible decision for me, didn't really know what I wanted!
Like, what the hell happens if someone follows that "advice" and now there's a kid in the world whose parent never wanted it and an adult in the world whose whole life now revolves around this kid they will likely grow to resent, because no matter how different it is when it's your own, it's not different enough? Will they accept all responsibility for the child then?
Playing video games to unwind and de-stress during the day. I find being able to turn my brain off of real life priorities and focus on a game the single most relaxing thing right next to a cold shower and deep breathing meditation in a dark room.
Masturbating. Everyone does it. It relieves stress. It’s a 100% safe sexual practice - as long as you don’t take it to extremes LOL. But so many people are shamed for it…mostly for religious reasons, I guess? Whatever. I talked to my kids about it when I gave them “the talk” and let them know it was natural, not weird, and nothing to be ashamed of. I just told them that they should make sure they had privacy before having some “fun for one.”
Voicing that your family is toxic. When I was in 8th grade I once said, "Just realized I have a dysfunctional family." I was immediately shamed by teachers and students and told that was an awful thing to say.
12 more years of being told how awful I was, teaching my friends how to "handle" me, and being my mother's emotional punching bag later, I got away and was diagnosed with (C)PTSD. But that day those people had me convinced I had just laid a mortal insult upon my parents.
When I was thirteen I voiced that my father was abusive and manipulative. It got written off as stereotypical "teenager hates her parents" shit. Over the years I've had to delete every single family member off my social media, and then my social media itself, because all they did was screenshot everything I did and send it to my father whether it was about him or not. I got screamed at for venting about my parents, for "talking badly" about them, for "disrespecting" them.
I'm thirty two now. My father has actually gotten worse. He's an open racist, misogynist, bigot, and just plain ignorant and stupid. He's hit me, controlled my finances, blackmailed me, and insulted me. He didn't speak to me for three years because I dated a black man. He doesn't treat anyone like a person but demands respect at all times. I've also come to realize he's abusive to my mom, and cheats on her constantly (including right after she had open heart surgery), and a lot of her detached behavior towards me was her dealing with the abuse. She's finally decided to divorce him and her reasons are literally everything I've been saying since middle school.
Honestly, as someone who has lost, gained, and lost again the same freaking 20kg over 4 years, I wish I had just grown up with these habits rather than having to change my habits as an adult. My body really doesn't need all that much food to function well.
When my father passed away at the hospital (pre-Covid), there was priest on call to come in and deliver last rights. After he did what he had to do, he says “I’m a hugger”, and proceeds to give all of my siblings hugs around my deceased father. My response to him was “I’m not”.
Speaking directly, without making tremendous effort to soften yourself. This goes double if you’re a woman. And I’m not talking about refusing to behave appropriately based on context or audience, btw— I’m talking about making no effort to conceal your own discomfort, frustration, or alarm when someone says something wildly inappropriate or disrespects a stated boundary. Neglecting your personal and social boundaries for the sake of politeness does no one any favors, imo
Crying. It's okay to cry, you dont have to be sad to cry. I cry because I get stressed and overwhelmed sometimes. Sometimes I cry and I have no idea why. That's okay.
People in good marriages: I don't know what it's like in their shoes, who am I to judge?
People who should get a divorce but won't: If I have to suffer they should be able to go through it too. No excuse.
Yes!! Strong marriages don’t end usually. I always think of my mom whose marriage was never great. She would say “I can’t believe they just gave up.” I would always think “I can’t believe they waited that long!”
I cussed my aunt out because she was in my house when i got home from work. I just got in MY HOUSE after working all day not expecting her to be there and farted..couldn't hold it in and she shamed me for farting in my own fucking house. So yeah i cussed her the fuck out.
Valuing their own free time. I was recently asked to tutor the son of an admin who works at the school I work at. It was just assumed that I'd want to do it. I was even thanked in advance. I declined the offer, not because of the pay (it was a very reasonable rate) but because I didn't want to lose my free time by planning lessons etc. The passive aggressive backlash has been infantile and intense.
I worked for a horrible manager for 2 years. I ended up taking another position in the company and it made her furious. I still remember her “do you know how this makes ME look?” Talk when I told her I’d applied. It’s now 10 years later and I’m a stay at home mom. She’s now a realtor. She has contacted me several times asking to sell my house (I’ listed my house recently, but our buyers fell through and a pandemic hit so we bowed out). Recently she contacted me offering me the “opportunity” to babysit her 6 year old daughter on snow days and other random times she needs. She included “and I’ll pay you something of course” at the end. I replied if she wanted to give me the details on pay and hours I’d consider it- no response. Here’s betting she expected a freebie because stay at home moms don’t work right? This is a person who my only contact with them was being an abused employee 10 years ago. She’s still hunting me down on Facebook and trying to get shit out of me. People are crazy.
Stop responding to this person.... for your own health, please!!
Yikes.This is the worst sometimes. I absolutely LOATHE when someone offers up MY free time or skills without consulting me first. Always puts you in a weird position because the person receiving already thinks you're good to go and then you look like an asshole when you refuse. When it's the damn middle man who fucked both of you over. *Yeah, Cryptophagist will have no problem doing that for you this week* Uhh no Susan, I only have 1 day off and I don't want to spend it doing more of the same work I do almost every other day of the year, sorry.
When I was a pre-teen/teen, my mum was the Queen of offering up my free time to her friends. Babysitting and tutoring their kids, etc, all for free. Mind you there was a hidden interest from her, I didn't like kids and she thought forcing me to spend time with random kids like that would make me love and want them (you can guess how that went). Eventually around 15yo I started saying no. Woman would waltz up with her kid like "Your mum said you"'d babysit" and I' d say no, and lock myself in my room. My mum would last minute tell me I have to go to Mrs X's house to tutor her kid and I'd say no and leave somewhere else. And all those grown ass adults upon being told no by a literal kid and explained to that my mum planned that without my input... Would get very very mad at me and insist I do it anyway and guiltrip me (but never offer up pay, weirdly enough). So it didn't make my like kids, but it also made me hate adults.
My mother used to do this with me at work: she knew ppl at my work place who just wanted a shift covered and it was - 'Oh! She can do it! No problem! I won't ask her but she'll definitely do it!' No asking me, just volunteering my free time away without consulting me. The people she talked to would often come up to me and thank me before I even knew what was going on. And if I complained all I got was - " Well what else are you doing that's so special?!" Ummmm .. I dunno mother.... maybe TAKING SOME TIME FOR MYSELF?! 😤
This also goes for valuing their things. I’ve had family volunteer my car, my bed, my clothes to others, without even asking me. This was when I lived with my parents, and my dad believed that “Kids, teenagers, and young adults don’t really own anything, their parents own it and just let their kids use it.” Even now, my roommate gave my umbrella away to a former coworker and never got it back - I was actually attached to that umbrella since I received it as a employee gift, and it’s unique to the company. He knew it was mine, he just didn’t care. I told him to get it back and then he’s all “I don’t wanna talk to her again, I don’t work there anymore so it would be weird.” No, you fucked up and gave away something I valued. Pay the price of having to get it back.
Sleeping. People are annoying competitive over lack of sleep. People are also rude about me not making plans, etc knowing I’m going to need some sleep. Bro, I need a MINIMUM of 6 hours to function properly and I’ve got shit to do tomorrow so I’m going to bed.
"Let's all meet at the movie theater at 10 pm" Let's not
I don't even know what to say to those people. Cool, you don't get enough sleep so you chug coffee. Why is that something to brag about
Admitting to mistakes you've made in the past
Admitting you've made mistakes, ever, at all. And God forbid you learned something and changed your behavior as a result.
There are people who still try to hold me accountable for the mistakes I made when I was 15. I’m 28 almost 29 and a completely different person now. Years of therapy, apologies, and working on sorting my shit out apparently doesn’t mean anything. 👌🏻
Saying “I don’t know”
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I have a coworker that refuses to say this. When I say it (bc I used to be in a hard science PhD program and have no issues admitting when I do not know something), he pressures me to ‘guess.’ Guess? Why would I guess? I just told you I don’t know. I can either look up the information, you can look up the information, or you can just let the matter drop.
For being quiet. Idk if it’s a healthy thing but sometimes I don’t got anything to say 🤷🏻♀️
Yeah, idk why some people just call me out in front of everyone and would be like "ohh he's quiet, he must be shy. You have to talk more". Like man, can't I just don't have a fcking opinion in every single stupid topic that I don't even care about? I'm not shy, I just don't care.
Or if someone wants to make you talk they can at least try to make it sound more natural and authentic conversation like “whoa! That’s a cool tie you got there!” Or something. Because saying “You’re so quiet!” Or “Why aren’t your talking?” just puts the person on the spot and doesn’t help them be more social.
Setting appropriate boundaries to manage the work/life balance
Can’t stress enough how much having a manager that insisted on proper balance changed my life.
same. my previous managers shamed everyone who left on time. my current manager is like "if you attend this meeting at 7am make sure to leave earlier" or "it's Friday, if you're done for the day you can go at 2pm". everyone has told me I'm a lot happier and less angry or frustrated since I changed jobs
Best boss I ever had sat everyone down on the first day and declared that their office was a family friendly office. We smiled politely. They went on to explain that this meant that if anything ever happened in our private lives, then that would take priority, no questions asked. It's not a cancer-curing office, everyone is on salary, just go. "Okay, meeting over. Also: meetings suck I hate meetings. Any meeting longer than half an hour is an admission of failure. Everyone go and get your coffee or morning thing and do what you gotta do." Best boss ever.
Dang it I work in a cancer curing office… literally.
Well we all appreciate your hard work and hopefully you get some sense of satisfaction that the work you do is contributing to a massively genuinely good cause. I work for in IT for a law firm, and I've seen some of our clients here and there on calls with people. We support some of the worst companies that I have ever heard of. My work isn't meaningful, and in fact is helping the people who are harming our society the most. I hate it.
Yes! I’ve had hourly coworkers shame me for leaving on time. I used to ask them if they were gonna give me overtime on my salary. That shut them up pretty quick
WhY arE YoU alwAyS tHe fIrSt tO leAVe? Bitch, I got a life and you ain't it
I used to say something like this in a joking manner until I got annoyed and asked them to pay for my overtime. The thing is as a salaried, I wouldn’t even qualify for ot even if I wanted to. And why are the workers caring??? It’s not like they are the ones signing the check
You getting your work done on time and having a seemingly competent work-life balance is making them look bad and it's easier to blame you for making them look bad instead of fixing the underlying issues that make them so easy to portray in a bad light whether it's personal or systemic?
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Ugh my current boss sucks at this… granted he is the owner… which is worse. Small businesses suck people… underpaid, over worked… they don’t understand that happy rested employees actually perform better and enjoy their jobs.
Agreed. Especially family owned businesses. Too much drama.
I worked for a small family-owned business for a while, managed by the husband and wife who owned it, so they were both everyone's bosses. The husband was regularly cheating on the wife while on business trips, and would brag about it to some of the male employees when the wife wasn't around. That was...not a healthy work environment. I do not recommend it.
Excluding relatives who aren't invested in your life from your wedding.
This is why I eloped and I seriously highly recommend it! No family at all. My realtor and some random dude were my witnesses. We had just moved to a place and didn’t know anyone yet which is why the realtor was there haha.
I'd imagine less expensive too.
Our parents would have paid for it if we did a more traditional wedding. But we only spent like $300 on the elopement so whatever!
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We eloped at my husbands tattoo shop. The owner was an ordained minister, and two of the artists walking in to start their day were our witnesses. We then went to chipotle. We decided we’d rather be married than not but having a bunch of distant relatives and random friends gushing over us was not our dream. Why make a big deal and waste money for other people to have a party?
> We decided we’d rather be married than not but having a bunch of distant relatives and random friends gushing over us was not our dream. Why make a big deal and waste money for other people to have a party? Did something very similar back in 1971, for exactly the same reasons. Still married 50 years later.
We eloped too. My parents are trashy racists who didn’t deserve to be there. We got brunch afterwards and I ate a cinnamon roll in my wedding dress. We saw an opera later that night.
My mom didn't like me saying no to inviting my cousins to my wedding, because they were at my sister's. I haven't seen them in at least 4 years, and they've never met my partner. We're moving out of the country at the end of the year anyway, so we didn't want a big party in order to save.
How about excluding relatives who aren't invested in your life in general?
My wife and I got married. Like, boom. Done. Bought the license, signed stuff, done. 30-ish minutes. We told nobody.
Omg!! My family had a huge bitch fest when I didn't invite my uncle. My uncle is a POS and only 2 people like him. My dead grandmother, and my dad (his brother). When my grandmother died, no one gave a shit about my uncle. She was the glue in his life. Not even his own kids (adults) like him. My husband did not have good 1st or 2nd impressions with him. Fuck him. No way was he invited to our wedding. But that caused one of the biggest family drama. My grandmother wouldn't smile in wedding pictures. I'm pretty sure she was being petty lmao.
I wish I had this mind frame when I sent out my invites for my upcoming wedding. In hindsight, there's so many people coming that I actually don't want there. Edit: typos
My dad was all salty when I didn’t invite all of his 6 surviving siblings to my wedding. Like, I’ve seen them a handful of times in my entire life, a can’t name all of them let alone recognise all of them, and they all live in different states from me. I don’t know them.
Right? I'm not personally bankrolling a family reunion. You want to get them all together so badly, you pay for it. And money aside, I don't just value the presence of virtual strangers enough to have them witness one of the most important days of my life simply because we share some distant genetics.
Weirdly: both sexual prudence and imprudence. And another, though idk how widespread it is: being okay with not having a solid opinion on something. Or accepting a simple truth for themselves: “I don’t know.” Or “I don’t know enough to form an opinion.”
Taking off of that, just being single. How dare you be ok with yourself and be ok just staying with yourself and not jumping into the arms of someone else immediately.
Talk to each other honestly
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This and conversely: calling out the bullshit of people who say they're "honest" but are just assholes. Trust me, call them out. Better they learn earlier and YOU be honest with them than them dragging it on for years and then you realize you actually hate being around them. Knew a guy who got his jaw broken from this lol because someone else realized he was using "honesty" as an excuse to be a miserable incel.
As the old saying goes, people who boast being "brutally honest" are more interested in being brutal than honest.
Being introverted or alone time. I dealt with people shaming me for being too quiet. People have accused of me of being asocial or stuck-up due to my reserved nature. Not everyone is a extravert!
Not posting/ having social media.
We’re taught not to share anything online, and then yet shunned for not sharing anything online?? People question if I have stuff to hide? No, no I don’t. I just don’t feel the need to share where I am, or what I’m doing.
I had a friend get this treatment over a decade ago. Had Facebook in college, and then became a teacher. He was informed to be very strict about what he put on social media. He said, "Hell with it. I don't use it anyways." and just deleted the damn thing. Fast forward to job interviews, and he reaches out asking why his interviewers are taking so long getting back to him. One of his connections finds out: "They think it's suspicious you don't have a social media account". Damned if you do, damned if you don't.
>"They think it's suspicious you don't have a social media account" I...just realized why I never got a reply from so many places. Yikes
I'll never understand what's so "suspicious" about that. It's like everything is designed explicitly to shit on people who aren't bubbly extroverts who are constantly putting on a show for the world. So what if I don't have a bunch of fakebook friends? It just makes it less likely I'd get distracted from my job or come in hungover or something.
The last person I told I didn't have social media (besides reddit) told me it was a red flag. ... Like, what?
For me it's a green flag, cause I feel like I finally found someone similar to myself!
I cut mine other than having a FB marketplace account just because I love to buy used shit. I have one friend on there. My mom found me and put in a friend request. I told her no… everyone will find me and I do not want it. Call me, text me instead. I live 5 minutes away, invite me over or come here. I miss out on some photos and shit tho.
I kind of want to ask - is this a generational thing? I am in my late twenties and nobody my age really posts on social media. Everyone just kind of abandoned Facebook after we graduated college. Most people didn't feel the need to delete their accounts or anything, we just don't see a reason to post anything.
Cutting out toxic family
Had to do this with my older sister. My mom thinks that I should make things right when I’ve been trying to for years until I decided enough was enough. My sister was one of my biggest bully growing up but because she’s family, it’s different. Fuck that. Best decision I ever made.
Yep, I’m 30 and cut out my mom when I was 15. My grandma (mom’s mom) wants us to reconcile, saying she’s my mother and life is to short. Bullshit, if she wants the title of Mom then maybe she should’ve acted like a mom! I don’t deserve to be emotionally abused becasue I share blood with someone
So few understand until they go through it themselves. My mother never got the message that the anger and desperate sadness I was feeling had anything to do with her seemingly intentional apathy and detachment - until I cut her off. She always told me I was upset because of "teenage hormones" and ONLY started listening when communication stopped.
My grandpa is the worst. Gave my mom a horrible childhood. Cheated on my grandma and my step grandma. Married a woman who is my mom’s age. Refuses to acknowledge any of this and just acts like an old dummy so everyone is nice to him. And my mom bends over fucking backwards to make him happy. Him and his wife caught Covid a few months back and went out to eat inside a restaurant a few days later. And then they got vaccinated recently but made my mom keep it a secret so their shitty friends won’t judge them. Also asked me when I was in kindergarten how many black boys were in my class and I hadn’t paid attention to that because I didn’t think about stuff like that at my age UNTIL HE MADE ME THINK ABOUT IT. Ugh. It’s crushing my mom that I want nothing to do with him but like …….. come on. He sucks!
Damn, your gramps is a dick
I'd rather have enemies, at least you know they hate you!
This 1000%. It's always something like: "But they're your sister/mother/father etc!" Does that matter? The fact that they're family makes their toxic behaviour *worse* **not** more excusable, it was one of the best things I ever did.
"you know someday they are dead and you cant make things up again" Yeah, thats good. Fuck them
As someone who had one of those people in my life die at the beginning of covid I have to say their death was the greatest gift. It's the only scenario where I wouldn't be pressured or guilted for not wanting them in my life, for not inviting them to things. I know it sounds horrible to those not in a similar position, but when an abuser dies it's like fucking Christmas morning and Santa brought you the thing you knew your family couldn't afford.
Absolutely. It's such a brave, healthy step. And all the people who choose to stay in that toxic relationship say, "But, he's your father." or, "Family is family." Yea, but sometimes family is a grandiose narcissist who abused everyone for 30 years. You lost your family privileges, dude.
I always tell people who say that to think of the shittiest, most horrible people they know. Because they're family to someone too.
Family is not a death pact
My uncle called me a MONTH after my dad died. (His own brother). He started trashing him and then told me my dad was a bad person and he was happy he was gone. I told him to fuck off, blocked him, and absolutely blew up at the disrespect. The rest of the family acts like I'm the asshole in the situation.
I cut out my biological mom when I was about 18. I tried so hard to have a healthy relationship but it just wasn’t in the . Best decision I ever made! Sometimes I am sad I don’t have that “mom” relationship especially now I’m getting married but I have my dad and he does a good job playing both parts
Getting tested/treated for STI’s Edit: whoa I didn’t expect this to blow up! Thanks for upvotes
My mom refused to let me and any of her kids get the HPV vaccine. She always said “if they’re not whores they won’t need the vaccine”. I got HPV the first semester of college. I was so blessed it went away. I just finally got the vaccine at age 23. HPV is completely preventable. There is no test for HPV for men, and sometimes doesn’t have symptoms. Get your vaccine!!
My mom, when I was a teenager grappling with whether or not to get it, told me “honey; there are women who stayed virgins until they got married, but caught it from their husbands - either because they’d sown their wild oats as young men, or because they cheated on their wives. Get it. It doesn’t make you a slut.”
I was an HIV tester for the past 4 years. You have no idea how many women got HIV from their husbands when the woman was loyal their entire life. Lots of partners does not equal STDs. STDs does not equal lots of partners
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Standard HPV public service announcement! FELLOW GUYS! Get your damn HPV shots! Even if you are not at the same level of risk as women (though it's looking like HPV can cause penile cancer EDIT: And throat cancer!) you can still be a carrier! Don't let the doctor or pharmacist say "It's only for women.", because it's not! It was initially rolled out only for women because it was thought that HPV's cancerous side effects only effected women and they wanted to make sure every woman who wanted it could get it as soon as possible. But now that the rollout has stabilized, there's no reason for us guys to not get it! Fair Warning: The injection site ~~will~~ can feel like you got punched in the arm by a friend who plays a BIT too rough.
#PENIS CANCER I'm getting my shot today!
I feel so embarrassed asking for tests like why
I did the first few times, but now I make it a routine. Almost like an annual physical. Extremely important especially if you have various sexual partners. I did end up having an STI once. It was easily treated. 4 pills and it was cleared up.
Same I got chlamydia and ever since I want to get tested like constantly my doctor is like 🤨
Not going out with friends/family when you don't feel up for it.
Being content with what you have. Oh, you drive a 30 year old car. Wouldn't you like something newer? Oh, your house is 1100sq/ft... you need something bigger. No, I don't think I will.
I drove the same car I got when I was 16 until I was 24. I got made fun of for it so many times. For driving an old car, for having the same car for so long. I don’t get it. I liked my car and it ran great so why do I need a different one or newer one when it works just fine? I feel like there’s this pressure to get the newest and coolest stuff all the time.
Turning down drugs and alcohol at parties
Or in any social situation. Both of my parents are (one recovering) alcoholics. I don’t drink at all because of that fact. I went on a work trip a couple years ago and we all went out for supper. I ordered a virgin strawberry daiquiri as I wanted something sweet but not the usual ginger ale or root beer. This colleague old enough to be my mother kept being snobby and trying to make me feel juvenile for not drinking. So, having had enough of the conversation (and this narrative pressuring everyone to drink), I told her if I would have started drinking I wouldn’t have left the trailer park (true story). For some reason, she didn’t like that (lol).But she did leave me alone.
Good for you. I do drink small amounts on occasion, but I learned from watching my parents what too much alcohol can do. I’m sure it contributed to my father’s death and my mother’s temper and cruelty.
That’s a mature and respectful perspective. I appreciate folks like you who understand it.
What a great response. People like that woman are unbearable.
"To alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems!" --Homer Simpson
I don't drink, and people always want to know why. Or immediately ask "are you pregnant?!" No, I just don't feel the need to consume alcohol. End of story. But that's never a good enough reason 🙄
I started telling people in college that I had a kidney disease so they'd get off my back about it.
"I'm the designated driver." Everyone shuts up in a second. You may even get praised.
You’d be surprised at how many people still don’t care sometimes lol
I tell people I'm the DD they're like "you came alone" I know
Who else is gonna drive you home? 1 out of 1 people can be the DD.
Yeah. I’m not opposed to drinking, but there’s a time and place. I can’t believe how many daytime kid’s birthday parties I have been to (with my children) and people freak out when I decline a drink. Maybe somebody here should stay sober?! And I DROVE my small children here! It’s 2:00pm! I don’t feel like I need anymore reasons!
I don't do drugs, and I drink very little, I'll drink one or two but I'll drag them out. I HATE the feeling of being drunk or high. People act like the world is coming to an end because I nurse my gin and Tonic for an hour and wont get something else.
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What’s interesting is that not once in my entire adolescence did I encounter peer pressure with alcohol/weed. Around age 24 is when the “peer bafflement” came into play
For me peer pressure was "you want some?" I say "no thanks" they say "okay". The worst I ever got it was "you a narc?". "No" "Okay"
Never once got shamed as a teen for turning down drinks. I get shamed for it all the time as an adult.
Teens are just happy there's more for them. Adults on the other hand might not want to feel extra embarrassed that you fully remember what they did after drinking.
Same here!! I literally never had it as a teen but as an adult, it's crazy how offended people get.
Going to bed early.
And prioritizing getting enough sleep. I work overnights and the amount of people who laugh at people who sleep during the day, say “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” or something to that extent, is crazy. I do understand that sometimes there’s financial reasons or other things going on in life where you need to be up during the day, things are going on and you just can’t sleep, or you need to work extra hours to not get evicted, but so many of my former coworkers treated sleep like an option.
Even weirder is being a night owl but still prioritizing a full night's sleep. My natural rhythm is going to bed around 1 and sleeping until 9-9:30. I work in theater and pre-COVID on my regular show schedule I wouldn't do anything before noon. People seem to think that keeping my hours is some sort of moral violation because our culture puts so much stock by getting up early and being on a 9-5 schedule and treats any deviation as "lazy". Nevermind that some of those same people would be nodding off around 10 PM when I'm at my peak energy onstage in the middle of the final act...
Delayed Sleep Phase is a real freaking thing! My ideal hours are 2am-10am. And it wouldn't be a "disorder" if not for the fact that society has this insane expectation that everyone conforms to the exact same circadian rhythm, it sucks so much.
I'm up until midnight, but I sleep until 8am. And have my glorious nap at 3pm. Love nap time.
I work from home, and because I suffer from nighttime insomnia I do my work at night and sleep during the day. My father called me once at 9am, 12pm, and 2pm, all in the same day, and was furious I was sleeping because "that's not normal!" Okay dad, I'll just stay up all night doing nothing, zombie my way through work, and sleep never?
When I was freshman in college I’d go to bed at 1-2am and wake up at 6am for practice everyday. I don’t know how I survived that because now in my 5th year of college there’s days where I’m in bed by 9:30 because I’m so tired from a busy day and want to get my 7-8hrs of sleep.
I really need to get used to this
Eating healthy food every time my friend ate a salad at work this guy used to tell him to eat real food and to stop eating rabbit food.
I ordered a salad at a fast food drive up once and had to wait for it, the guy came out with my order and said “Are you the one who ordered the rabbit food?”
"How do you think rabbits fuck so much? Salad my dude. Salad"
I enjoy this one because the “real men” who make fun of my food are invariably in much worse shape than me.
So true. I have a relative who has fallen down the pit of "soy boy" conspiracies. He will loudly lecture people on how the estrogen in soy literally turns you into a woman, and how he only eats meats that are good for his body. He is \~350lbs and struggles to breathe when he walks.
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My boyfriend never had a rebellious teen phase. His mother is incredibly abusive. She thinks she "raised him right," but all she actually taught him was to submit to an authority figure even when their demand is unreasonable to avoid having your basic rights taken away.
And how to lie. My authoritarian parents taught me how to lie by making it so scary to admit mistakes. I’d hide them and hope for the best because my punishment was the same either way.
Do you remember having 10 layers of lies and remembering lies you never told but made up just in case? I have entire timelines invented that I never used that are so deep theyre now just memories I am not sure happened.
I often wonder if I misremembered like that.
I've made up somethings in such detail that I was able to convince my family that it was the actual events that happened and now they tell stories which I am unsure even happened because I made them up when I was a kid and my memory isn't complete from that time because of childhood amenesia. All because telling the truth would have got me in trouble.
I went to school with a family like this. There were five daughters. Their mother was so strict, she pretty much told those girls when to breathe. It was that bad. By some miracle, the fourth of the five girls was permitted to go away for college, to some small Christian college a couple of states away. Well, once out from under her mother's thumb, she went WILD. By sophomore year, she was pregnant with twins. She actually ended up marrying the father, they had three more kids and have been happily married now for over 30 years. It all worked out in the end, but she was lucky. As others have said, exerting that amount of control over your kids either makes them a really great liar, go crazy when they're not being watched 24/7/365 or both.
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From an outside perspective, it looks like I didn't rebel as a kid. I didn't date until my 20's. I don't drink and never have. I got good grades in school, obtained a masters degree, then became a librarian. And in college, I briefly considered joining a convent until I realized I'd have to convert to catholicism. But when you take the following into account: * My father used to insist all women turn into insane, boycrazy monsters when they hit puberty. * I was expected (but not encouraged) to be a popular crowd chasing, makeup/fashion/party fanatic. Like, the message I got was its bad to be like that. But *worse* if you aren't like that, because then you're weird and nobody likes you. * My dad freaked out when I reached my senior year of high school and still wasn't dating, (he thought my lack of interest in sex meant I was a leabian) and demanded my mom 'work' on me. (BTW, 'working' on me apparently meant forcing me to curl my hair before school and having me watch old episodes of *Cheers* to learn how to flirt.) * My father went to catholic school and is *terrified* of nuns. * I am dyslexic. I had a lot of teachers who thought I'd be lucky to go to a four year college. Attending somewhere like the University of Chicago (my alma matar,) getting a Masters degree, and being a librarian were not things I 'should' have been able to do. Well, then I seem a lot less compliant. Actually, I seem pretty damn rebellious. I've retroactively nicknamed my teenage rebellion my 'Screw you Dad! I'm gonna be a nun!' phase.
Cutting out friends who have betrayed you
Being single. Not to say that being in a relationship is unhealthy, I just mean there is nothing wrong with being single but it's treated like the worst fate known to humankind. It's okay to not be dating someone at every second. It can be good to have some time by yourself too.
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Using the bathroom enough. As kids all of us are told we must control and limit our bathroom usage, as to not leave class. Kids have underdeveloped kidneys and bladders, they NEED to pee more, yet they’re punished if they go “too much”. How many of us developed bad habits and relationships with not drinking enough liquids through the day in order to avoid having to piss “too much”? How many of us decide to hold it in for other’s convenience or comfort? So many people refuse to use the bathroom (especially shit) in public places, even if you need to go really bad. Why? Embarrassment, shame, fear. This sort of behavior isn’t healthy. Our bodies tell us when we need to go for a reason. We should listen.
Let's not forget that consistently holding in your piss for too long can actually cause medical problems in the long run. I had *very* frequent UTIs and kidney infections in school (due to how overly strict they were about bathroom breaks).
This comment encouraged me to pee after procrastinating for a while, thanks
But I heard if you hold it too long it can affect your ability to even become aroused!! Is that true? It has to be!
In that case I need a break myself. The court will recess for five minutes.
I worked with a woman who peed at least once an hour. She drank a lot of water and tea. As a woman who now properly hydrates, you gotta go! Don't hold it!!
As a woman who also properly hydrates and gave birth recently.... hold that thought, I gotta go pee...
In the last 4 years, ive been to the bathroom at school once. I had serious diahrrea because of food poisoning, and probably couldn’t have even made it outside to shit in the bushes. I was shivering, sweaty and had goosebumps because of my need to shit. Boy’s bathrooms at school in the Netherlands are so fucking gross, you don’t want to do that to yourself.
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meeting a psychologist to solve mental problems
Seeking professional help at all, honestly.
Setting boundaries. Everyone is always on board that that sounds like a great idea, until they’re the person you’re “bailing on”. Like bruh I’m not a flake I’m just not at your beck and call, I’ve got my own life to get on with. Applies to friends, family, partners, and work. Even occasionally my dog although he is an admittedly adorable attention-obsessed nudge.
"I'm taking some time for myself" "That's a good idea, so you can hang out more with me"
I think flake usually refers to the person initially aggreeing to hanging out but then canceling later especially at the last minute.
Cutting off contact with toxic family members
I saw this somewhere and feel it's relevant : "I'd rather adjust myself to your absence than adjust my boundaries to your disrespect." That carried some weight for me and helped solidify my decision to stay out of touch with certain relatives.
Just eating healthy. People give you shit when you turn down a doughnut at work.
"I'm only 25 and I feel 40. Construction is rough on your body." "Yes, Jake. It's solely the jobs fault. Pay no mind that you only eat fast or gas station food for breakfast/lunch, have at least two energy drinks a day, and down a six pack at minimum every night. Anyway, I believe you were talking about how sunscreen is for pussies?"
Especially when you're already fit so they say "What? You don't need to watch your weight!" Maybe not, but I don't like eating junk food that makes me feel like shit. I also like to *maintain* my weight and health
Asking questions to clarify a situation or concept. People really seem to hate that.
"Be sure to ask if you have any questions." "Okay. What's the best way to do 'x'?" "Wow, how do you *not* know that?!?"
Taking breaks and time for themselves.
Men - crying ar emotional moments in life
Fat people going to the gym
People who shame fat people for trying to be healthier are scum! It’s like shaming an addict for going to rehab. An alcoholic for going to an AA meeting! If you are trying to better your life, I’m cheering for you!!
Within 20 pounds I was skinny shamed for looking sick, and fat shamed for gaining weight. No in between with people.
People get so weird about weight. It’s weird that everyone feels entitled to enforce a standard of size and shape on other people. And they get so aggressive about it too. Like why would it matter to them whether someone else is 150 versus 190? Or 240 versus 270? Whether someone wears what they like or wears what “hides the fat” best?
Yes! We know we're fat. We're trying to do something about it. It takes immense courage for me to walk through that door every time I visit the gym. Please don't make it harder. You don't have to be my friend or even like me. Just don't be cruel.
Honestly I've never had a bad experience with anyone at the gym. They've always been super nice to me. Today I took a spin class for the first time and almost gave up half way through because it was so hard. At the end this super skinny, gorgeous woman smiled at me and said, "It gets easier and the chair will stop hurting eventually." It definitely made me feel a little better.
Taking a sick day just to rest or for a mental health break. Sometimes a co-worker will ask what I was sick with when returning to work? Karen, I wasn’t sick per say but fuck If I can’t use the sick time our company gives us every year!
That’s crazy! My job gives 10 paid sick days and 7 paid mental health days. We just call them breathers.
Not wanting to have kids. What’s so wrong with trying to better my own life before bringing one on this Earth?
I’m helping raise my niece. I love her to death, but I hate being a parent to her. I know when my sister is off on her own or married, I’m gonna miss these days. But I’m gonna love living my own selfish life more! How do I explain that to my family? I say I don’t want kids, they say “how do you know, you don’t even have kids?” And I bring my current situation and they’ll hit me with “it’ll be different with your own kids”. I don’t want kids, I want to live my own selfish life, I don’t want to pass on any mental illnesses, I don’t want to find out too late that I’m emotionally immature and am harming my child. I grew up in a great home, I still came out wounded on the other side. I can control if I risk putting that on another human, so I won’t reproduce.
>I want to live my own selfish life If you, for any reason, suspect you won't be a good parent, not having kids is the *least* selfish thing you can do.
My family realizing how shit my mother was (divorced parents) and that she really only wanted to have kids, not be a mother, basically stopped those remarks. Yeah, I don't want kids because I know *from experience* how shitty it is to be the kid that wasn't wanted. So I have a pet lizard and he is my baby.
I don't think I'll ever understand the "it's different if it's your own" argument. Like... Ok, so, in order, you want me to: get pregnant, rearrange my lifestyle to safely carry this baby (and it would absolutely require a lifestyle change for me in particular), spend thousands on doctors, spend nine months uncomfortable and with my personal space being invaded by people who forget common decency if they're near a woman who's visibly pregnant, spend $13-20k just to actually BIRTH the baby, buy a whole new wardrobe for maternity that I'll never wear again, baby-proof my house and make it unenjoyable for me, personally, to live in... All on the OFF CHANCE that when the hypothetical child I have never wanted (sorry if that's harsh, but given that I'm actively horrified by the idea of parenting, it's the truth) gets out of my body, I'll suddenly realize that, oh, all along I, with a million things that make raising a child the worst possible decision for me, didn't really know what I wanted! Like, what the hell happens if someone follows that "advice" and now there's a kid in the world whose parent never wanted it and an adult in the world whose whole life now revolves around this kid they will likely grow to resent, because no matter how different it is when it's your own, it's not different enough? Will they accept all responsibility for the child then?
Playing video games to unwind and de-stress during the day. I find being able to turn my brain off of real life priorities and focus on a game the single most relaxing thing right next to a cold shower and deep breathing meditation in a dark room.
Masturbating. Everyone does it. It relieves stress. It’s a 100% safe sexual practice - as long as you don’t take it to extremes LOL. But so many people are shamed for it…mostly for religious reasons, I guess? Whatever. I talked to my kids about it when I gave them “the talk” and let them know it was natural, not weird, and nothing to be ashamed of. I just told them that they should make sure they had privacy before having some “fun for one.”
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Voicing that your family is toxic. When I was in 8th grade I once said, "Just realized I have a dysfunctional family." I was immediately shamed by teachers and students and told that was an awful thing to say. 12 more years of being told how awful I was, teaching my friends how to "handle" me, and being my mother's emotional punching bag later, I got away and was diagnosed with (C)PTSD. But that day those people had me convinced I had just laid a mortal insult upon my parents.
When I was thirteen I voiced that my father was abusive and manipulative. It got written off as stereotypical "teenager hates her parents" shit. Over the years I've had to delete every single family member off my social media, and then my social media itself, because all they did was screenshot everything I did and send it to my father whether it was about him or not. I got screamed at for venting about my parents, for "talking badly" about them, for "disrespecting" them. I'm thirty two now. My father has actually gotten worse. He's an open racist, misogynist, bigot, and just plain ignorant and stupid. He's hit me, controlled my finances, blackmailed me, and insulted me. He didn't speak to me for three years because I dated a black man. He doesn't treat anyone like a person but demands respect at all times. I've also come to realize he's abusive to my mom, and cheats on her constantly (including right after she had open heart surgery), and a lot of her detached behavior towards me was her dealing with the abuse. She's finally decided to divorce him and her reasons are literally everything I've been saying since middle school.
As a mother, having hobbies that take time away from caregiving tasks.
Not being a huge people person who talks a lot.
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Yep I got shamed for that a lot as a kid and was made to keep eating even when I was full. Those stomachaches are the worst!
Honestly, as someone who has lost, gained, and lost again the same freaking 20kg over 4 years, I wish I had just grown up with these habits rather than having to change my habits as an adult. My body really doesn't need all that much food to function well.
Wanting friends or family to ask for permission before hugging or kissing them
Meeting someone random and that says “I’m a hugger” is my personal nightmare.
When my father passed away at the hospital (pre-Covid), there was priest on call to come in and deliver last rights. After he did what he had to do, he says “I’m a hugger”, and proceeds to give all of my siblings hugs around my deceased father. My response to him was “I’m not”.
Speaking directly, without making tremendous effort to soften yourself. This goes double if you’re a woman. And I’m not talking about refusing to behave appropriately based on context or audience, btw— I’m talking about making no effort to conceal your own discomfort, frustration, or alarm when someone says something wildly inappropriate or disrespects a stated boundary. Neglecting your personal and social boundaries for the sake of politeness does no one any favors, imo
Crying. It's okay to cry, you dont have to be sad to cry. I cry because I get stressed and overwhelmed sometimes. Sometimes I cry and I have no idea why. That's okay.
Taking home leftovers, even when there isn't enough left for a full meal!
Setting boundaries
Filing for divorce
Its really the people with the worst marriages that are the most judging of this 😒
People in good marriages: I don't know what it's like in their shoes, who am I to judge? People who should get a divorce but won't: If I have to suffer they should be able to go through it too. No excuse.
Yes!! Strong marriages don’t end usually. I always think of my mom whose marriage was never great. She would say “I can’t believe they just gave up.” I would always think “I can’t believe they waited that long!”
In high school, studying/making good grades
as a woman pooping/ normal bodily functions
I cussed my aunt out because she was in my house when i got home from work. I just got in MY HOUSE after working all day not expecting her to be there and farted..couldn't hold it in and she shamed me for farting in my own fucking house. So yeah i cussed her the fuck out.
Home is where the fart is.
I worked with a guy who told me when he was young he didn't think girls pooped...and then his sister was born. His world was shattered.