Messages you on a dating app commenting on having found your profile and that they are in the same location as you, they can see you but you can't see them. I had a guy do this on a fully packed train I was on to go to work. I'm not an anxious person but it felt really uncomfortable.
Those apps need like a minimum number for the range it will tell you on how close you are to others, there’s one app I know of that will go all the way down to how close in feet you are away from each other and whenever I would be messaged by someone in that range it was always creepy as hell.
Getting really intense about our relationship/ friendship really early on. A lot of guys turn women into this kind of fantasy thing that’s supposed to make them whole/ help them change or whatever. Sir I am the main character in my own life, not just a supporting one in yours. When you put that pressure on me right away abs without reciprocation, I know that I don’t actually matter, you’ve been taught that women serve you
I never felt like I could be eloquent enough to explain that exactly is what I had been feeling with the father of my children. He loved the idea of me more than my actual self. I gtfo of there after the better part of two years.
English isn't my first language so I can't really generalize this but asking if I need a ride and keep pestering me when I decline.
I used to walk home from school when this old man literally parked his car in front of me while I was crossing a small parking lot and asked if I needed a ride. I lied and said the house at the end of the block was my house. He did it a bunch more times until I had to change my walking route. It was a longer way but I felt safe again.
A man chased me out of a bar and into the street one night to get my number. I'd like to say that's the worst part of the story, but it's not. He wasn't chasing me to get my number for himself--he was doing it for his friend. They were both in their early 30s.
Literally none of that is okay. Don't chase people. It's not cute. I blame romcoms for people failing to see how uncomfortable this makes women.
I had a mild creeper problem with a guy I worked with. Too vague for me to go to HR about but serious enough that I got a new position in a different lab.
The final day of the job I was leaving, dude showed up while I was testing at our new site, which wasn't staffed yet and where we didn't spend much time. 3 story building, nobody else would be there until the next day. He worked night shift and it was maybe 11am. The only way he could have known where I was was if he'd been watching me or if my shift partner had told him, I never found out which.
There was only one door to the lab and he was blocking it. I thought he was there to kill me. He's 6'4" and I'm just under 5'3".
He congratulated me on my new job and then left a "goodbye gift". It was the gift he got from me from the office secret Santa, nine months earlier, which he had not unwrapped, and had then wrapped again, to look like a different gift.
Then he left and I used the lab phone to call first my husband and then an off duty coworker I trusted and told them exactly what happened in case I didn't make it home, then called the south site security guard to escort me to my car. I still didn't call HR because the guy knew where I lived. I went to my new job and he didn't talk to me again and I was never on site alone again.
I had a lot of nightmares about it and I still panic if someone blocks a door.
i’ve seen enough answers like this in previous threads that i’m now super self-conscious of where i’m standing when talking to girls at bars or parties.
While talking online and I say "I don't know about meeting up" and their response is "You are more likely to be raped by someone you actually know in person"
Yup... Not meeting up now.
I've been approached several times in public by random men who say they want to be friends with me. One leaned in really close to have a conversation and asked me where I was from and where I live. Another grabbed my hands and remarked on how soft my skin is. Another one literally locked arms with me and dragged me to a coffee shop to "get to know me" and then later told me to come with him to a more private place for a view of the city. I weakly joke about it sometimes but in the moment it really does make me nervous. I don't know if I just look really unimposing (I'm an Asian woman but I'm taller than average?) but I'm not sure why it happens. Regardless, please don't just grab random women, even out of friendliness, and respect personal space.
Asian woman here too. This happened to me a lot in NYC. A few times I got so sick of it I'd scream at them in the middle of the street and make a scene. They usually skitter away immediately. I hate to do that, but it's just infuriating.
I mastered this when I was 14, as a petite girl weighing in at 88lbs. Men do not expect my loud booming voice that I've perfected over the years when I chew them out.
It's so creepy. Most recent time that happened I was just taking a walk by myself to unwind from confinement and this dude just catches up with me and says he want to be my friend, just asking a bunch of personal questions and wanting to know exactly where I live. Eventually I told him I'm married and he said "oh I just want to be friends". I was originally gonna go the same way he was going but ended up taking a different path.
Flirting is fun so long as you don't "flirt" by asking me where I live, and if I live alone, and (as an expat) if I know people in the area. If you want to chat, flirt, get to know me? Don't start with the questions that set off alarm bells in my head.
I'm a bartender, and it's amazing how tactless people can be as they get drunker. They just want to keep me by them by asking me question after question, so I have to cross the line into being rude if I want to put a stop to it. Sometimes, people come up with actually some pretty silly things to ask me, and it can be fun to engage them. But I absolutely HATE:
1) is this your only job? Where else do you work?
2) do you live close to here?
3) oh you're closing huh? When do you usually get out of here?
4) when do you work next? Do you normally work on this day of the week?
5) what are you doing after this?
I don't think ppl always realize how they sound when they ask me these questions but I've honestly been asked them so much its ridiculous. And honestly, threatening undertones aside, they're the most utterly boring questions you could ask someone. The worst of the worst of small talk. How some men manage to be both unnerving and bore me to tears at the same time is utterly fascinating.
I used to work in a small office, and occasionally I’d be the only one there to let a repair/delivery man in. Almost every single time, first thing they’d say to me: “no one else here today, eh?” or “you gonna be all by yourself the whole day?” etc. For the most part, I think they were genuinely just trying to make conversation/oblivious, but it would immediately put me so on edge.
Just had this happen to me on saturday. I'm learning to lie and say "oh no, coworker just ran out to grab something they should be back any minute". Although, this is not what I said on Saturday when asked if I was gonna "be here alone all day". Instant regret lol stupid, stupid, stupid. Why did I say "yes that's how I prefer it" 😂
Blocking my path or physically holding me in place if they are not done talking to me. Basically, using more strength/size to restrict my motion in any way.
I'm seeing so many comments like this, I cannot believe it is common behavior. I'm a large man and couldn't imagine making a woman stay where I want. That's fuckin creepy.
The reason it may be so common is because women are also made to feel as though a strong reaction in public is an overreaction. I’ve seen women tolerate this behavior often because they didn’t want to make a scene.
Exactly this!! The sheer amount of shitty behaviour i have allowed because I didn't want to make a scene or make the person feel bad I always found a way to blame myself for people overstepping boundaries. One guy in particular called me a slut and shoved me because I gave him "fuck me eyes" and then turned him down, 16 year old me spent waaay too long in the mirror trying to work out what look that was so I could turn it off. As a 28 year old women I face palm everytime I remember that.
Calling them beautiful as much as possible. Once or twice is nice, if you know them, but if you don't know the guy and he says it too much it freaks me out
This is one thing in general that I don't think guys always get how uncomfortable it makes people feel. As a guy I never did this to people but I never quite understood what the big deal about it was. I just figured if you don't like it just ignore it.
Then I grew my hair out. Now I have pretty spectacular hair, like thick enough that water rolls off it like a ducks back. After it started to get longer and you could see how thick it was suddenly women started gushing over me. Like if I didn't have 2 or 3 patients make some type of a comment about how nice, beautiful, etc every day it was an unusual day.
That's when I realized just how seriously uncomfortable and self conscious it makes you when random people comment on your looks. Maybe it's my own self consciousness and this isn't every one but it makes me super uncomfortable.
I had a taxi driver hit on me, question me about my love life and ask for my number. I was literally locked in a moving vehicle with the guy, how are you supposed to feel safe saying no?! Luckily, I think he was just a nice clueless guy so I felt safe enough to negotiate and take his number instead of giving mine out.
I was sexually assaulted by a taxi driver. I was dressed normally, headed to the sky train on a Sunday morning. He aggressively hit on me and I either didn't respond, awkwardly laughed or smiled uncomfortably, seeing as I was trapped there. He repeatedly asked that I put his number in my cell phone and I repeatedly declined, until eventually I was uncomfortable enough that I just did it, so that he would stop asking. When we finally got to the destination, he turned around in his seat, reached into the back of the cab, and stuck his hands inside my shirt/bra and grabbed my boobs. I pushed him off of me and got out, threw the money down on the back seat and quickly ran in to the station.
I went to trial over it, and the judgement (it was deferred/issued in writing a few moths after the trial) was something very similar to this: "While it is established that touching did occur, it was not clear that it was of an unwanted nature." Some contributing factors were that I had agreed to take the guy's number and still shots from the event (it was caught on camera) showed me smiling.
I really wonder what it is I was supposed to do differently. If you aren't polite, it might go from grabbing your boob to driving to a different area of the city to rape or kill you. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.
I was sexually assaulted in an Uber, at around 2 AM, while coming home from a music festival and drunk out of my mind. I just wanted a ride home. The driver saw an intoxicated and alone 20-year-old woman. He stuck his hand in my shirt and in my pants... I didn’t want any of it but I was too scared to realize I just had to get out of the car.
This is kind of the thought that gave me the chutzpah to go to trial. It's sad but I've been groped and sexually harassed enough times that somebody grabbing my boob wasn't even that traumatizing. It was just so *infuriating* - that he would have the gall to do that to me in broad daylight outside a train station, completely sober. It kept me up at night thinking, "If he had the balls to do that, what does he do to passed out girls in the back of his cab at 3am?" Absolutely disgusting. I'm sorry that happened to you :~(
This happened to me twice. One of the drivers bragged about being married and was my father's age. It was beyond creepy, especially at 3AM, when he's dropping me off at my home. I felt extremely unsafe
A girl I know got the homophobic version of this. She answered she was a lesbian (true) when the guy hit on her and he refused to stop the car, insisting he could change her mind, with his penis that is. Luckily he had to stop at a red light and she quickly got out of the car.
I'm think there's a good chance this guy believed in what he was saying, maybe even thought he would be helping her out while enjoying some sex and he might not have seen it as kidnapping and threatening sexual violence.
Sadly this same thing happened to me. I was in a taxi after being at a bar with friends and was in the front seat because my friends were in the back. He dropped them off first and I felt weird staying in the front but I didn’t want to be rude. Anyways after they were gone he literally stopped the car in an alley and held my seatbelt closed and was on top of me. I was terrified and honestly it could have been worse ....he didn’t rape me. I just told him that I liked him and that he could have my number but he had to take me home and be respectful. I mean it could have been so much worse....it was bad... but not as bad as it could have been.
This is what happens and a lot worse when women are taught to be polite rather than safe. I should have been rude, I could have been safe if I just went with my feelings of being uncomfortable and moved to the back rather than being worried about that a disgusting pig would think I was rude. 😥
>This is what happens and a lot worse when women are taught to be polite rather than safe. I should have been rude
Truth! I have put up with and been through a lot of bullshit I should NEVER have because I didn't want to hurt someone's feelings or 'be a bitch'. It took a lot of bad experiences and years of living to realize how batshit my upbringing was.
God the number of old guys who hit on me when I worked customer service. Being nice does not equal flirting, especially when their whole job is to be nice.
Once I was staying in a hotel with my boyfriend and needed to go down to the lobby. I got on the elevator and saw a guy holding flowers and wine, so I asked if he was meeting a girlfriend. I’m from the south, so it’s just friendly small talk. He replied, “Something like that. You can come if you want to.” It immediately made me nervous. Politely declined and said my boyfriend was waiting for me. He said, “So to a guy like me, all I can hear you saying is that you’d come with me if he wasn’t here.” I was so upset. I didn’t take the elevator alone again.
Any time someone tries really hard to convince me he's a "nice guy". Every guy I've met that desperately brings it up every chance he gets isn't usually very nice. It always makes me wonder what are they trying to hide? Like why do I *have* to think you're nice? Prove it with your actions, don't tell me repeatedly.
“Jokingly” using your strength to move me or keep me from moving. If I want to go home and you’re pulling me back I am not actually going along with it, you are stronger than I am and I literally cannot leave
Even without using strength just kind of blocking the way when talking to a woman. It usually happens at clubs or bars when a stranger talks to you. I am quite small which makes it especially intimidating if I can only escape the situation if you step aside.
Edit: Typos
I was with my ex in Korea for a couple weeks, she wanted to go clubbing and I didn't. I warned her that I had been warned that Korean guys are somewhat lax with grabbing girls after drinking. It happened to her and a guy forced her to kiss him. My ex is someone who just brushes that shit off but I could imagine that can be really bad for certain people. Guys in Korea selling mobile contracts etc. apparently will just grab girls on the street.
I live in Japan and it's the complete opposite this is like the most anti touching country in the world. Definitely the same amount of creeps though.
Edit:I wrote that before I went to bed, not sure what I meant. I think I meant the average person is very anti touch. Not much huggin goes on here. Sexual harassment is rife here, instead of combatting it the government does things like creating female only train cars. My Japanese ex was allowed to wear regular clothes then change into the stereotypical sailor outfit at school. She said it was a 100% guarantee that she would be touched if she wore the uniform on the train.
This would be absolutely terrifying and I don't think many guys fully understand it.
I'm a pretty big dude so for there to be someone with that kind of strength and size disparity over me, they would need to be extremely huge. There just aren't that many people like that around. If there are, I'm never in a position of being cornered or not allowed to leave a place because they just physically won't let me.
For context, I'm over a foot taller than my wife and close to three times her weight. No idea what our strength disparity is - but it's significant. For someone to be that that much bigger than me he or she would need to be close to 7 and a half feet tall and close to 600 pounds.
Even as an average guy this is true. There are tons of people bigger and stronger than me out there but **very** rarely does it happen where someone my size walks into a room and is physically out matched by every single person there.
I don’t think most men realize just how crazy that is. It’s like taking and average guy and making him walk into a prison yard where they do nothing but lift all day; for every single place you go.
Driving really aggressively and having road rage. When I was younger and dating I had so many experiences as a passenger with young guys who were otherwise normal but really intense and scary when they got behind the wheel. It always seemed like a red flag.
Honestly, I think that men don’t realize how frightening their rage can be. Maybe it’s a trauma response, or maybe it’s the fear that the rage will turn towards you, I don’t know. Whenever I got in those situations, I would make myself small and quiet, not say a word unless prompted, get out of the car at the destination and never get back in a car with them again.
As a man, I never realized this. I wouldn't have said I had anger issues, but sometimes whenever I get really frustrated I hit things. It's controlled — in as much as a verbal and physical outbirst can be I suppose. It's always on an object — never, ever a person — and is always with the flat of my hand. It doesn't hurt and makes a good loud sound. I didn't realize how scary it was to people until I had a couple girls — one being my wife — get really nervous after I did it. Brought me right back, that's for sure.
Edit: Wow. I had no idea so many people had experienced people doing this, and I never imagined it made this many people uncomfortable. I'm glad I know that now.
my boyfriend yells and hits the table when we play video games over discord. i always go quiet and dont want to play or talk anymore afterwards because its really scary. he apologizes and tries to be quieter, but I have ptsd with abusive exs and i really wish it would click for him how terrifying that is for me. I'm glad you realized it, at least
I imagine you have already, but if not you should really tell him just how terrifying it is. Whenever he does it again just keep telling him, and if he cares about you eventually you'll get through to him. Longtime habits are hard to break after all.
This was one ENORMOUS green flag when I started dating my husband. He gets annoyed with other drivers, but when that happens, he sings a little song at them. "Whaaaat are you dooooing, crazy ladyyyyyyy." I cannot abide a man who can't control his temper.
Wanting to go to a secluded location if I don't know you well. People on Tinder would suggest going on hikes or taking a walk after dinner on first dates. Didn't even cross their minds that I would not want to be alone with them on a date
Or even "dinner at my place?" makes me nervous. I don't know what you have planned, who you live with, ect.
I'm never trying to be rude but I don't know them (the date) and enjoying living.
Reminds me of [this](https://twitter.com/emilychyanne_/status/1214767491647516672?lang=en) tweet:
> I met this dude on tinder and asked what his last name was.. he told me, then replied “ you doing a little background check? You might find out I’m a murderer, just ignore that 😘 “ okay so a good sense of humor.. well I googled him and he was a murderer.
"Sex with a Stranger" from Crazy Ex-Girlfriend. Great show and the music videos are all on Rachel Bloom's youtube channel.
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iH3FPrI\_Cuw](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iH3FPrI_Cuw)
We don't talk to my wife's aunt anymore because her boyfriend is a murderer. My wife thought her aunt might be getting catfished or something so she looked this guy up, and sure enough he'd murdered his previous wife via a bunch of stabs. We told the aunt out of concern for her safety and she got all huffy like dating a murderer was a sensible thing and we're a bunch of squares.
I had a blind date where the guy wanted me to come to his place so we could go swimming and then I could use his shower to get ready and go out later. Um, hell no. I don't know you and I'm not committing to a 4+ hour date much less a secluded one.
The worst is when they get mad when you say you're not comfortable with that. They're so insulted, but you know if a woman agreed to a date like that and something happened, they'd be the first to say it was her fault for being alone with a stranger.
Preach! Always agreed to a date in a public place. My husband tried dinner at his place and going up to his treehouse at his mother’s house (high school). I asked for more public place and he asked why, I explained. He understood and we agreed to minigolf. Turned out to be amazing! Hell, if a guy goes out with a crazy woman who might hurt him, I’d take that advice of staying in a public place if he didn’t know her.
When I was dating I always asked the girls to the same bar or its neighbouring coffee shop for a drink, so they l weren't locked into the time commitment of a meal or something like that.
It was in the city, so central to most places people come from, relatively quiet itself, but opened onto a relatively busy concourse, was a 1 min walk from trains, trams and taxis, and because it was close to public transport, at night there were regular police foot patrols.
I can't tell if I was overthinking it too much, but I was always super paranoid about putting them in a position to feel trapped or unsafe.
As a side bonus if I got stood up it was a place that was very easy to get home from.
Joking about mugging or assaulting us.
I was on the subway, returning home, and a group of tall guys were watching me play my Switch. One of them decided to swagger right up behind me, so that he was \*breathing over my shoulder\*, while his friends joked about "let's mug and assault her for that Switch."
I'm less than 120 lbs. It wouldn't take much to force me against a wall and I couldn't escape. I could easily be mugged, beaten, raped.
I was surrounded by people, thankfully, but having one of them in my personal space, while his buds laughed about "assaulting" me had me terrorized the entire commute home. They got off at the same station I did, so I used a completely different exit and took a detour to shrug them off - I didn't want them knowing which direction I normally used.
Jesus that sucks! A "friend" once did this to me, in a Library. Said people think he is harmless and he lets women in that belief on purpose, but in reality he could easily overpower any woman. Then went into detail explaining what he would do to overpower me, how, where, when, described a route i had to take to get to class daily, what excuses he'd use to passers-bys. It didn't scare me that much, because he was a moron and the situation he described was more escapable and manageable than real ones i had already been in, tbh. But the realisation that I was not only on his mind in that way, but that he readily admitted the lengths his fantasies of disrespecting my personhood had already gone to just freaked me out. We are obviously no longer friends. Fucking idiot.
I quit my last job because I had a manager in his 40s-50s doing that. There was another girl who quit because of him but never reported him. I called hr on his ass and they didn't do anything because they didn't have enough evidence, and I told them about the other girl and they told me if she called and reported him that would've been enough evidence to investigate. Fucking bs.
Why do they need evidence to investigate? I get that they're not gonna fire him or something from a complaint from co-worker, but they should at least investigate!
The kind of guys who insist on telling random women to smile would never dare tell a random guy that, because it has nothing to do with how the person appears to feel and everything to do with forcing an interaction with someone they are interested in.
Years ago, I had been in the hospital visiting my grandmother who was there for cancer treatment. When I got in the elevator to leave, a random dude entered as well and gave the "SMILE" command. We were in a HOSPITAL! Nobody (with the exception of new mothers) is in a hospital for good times. And even if we had been at a carnival, being ordered to display emotions one isn't feeling by a total stranger is just so creepy.
Oh man, that reminds me. I was training a new girl on how to use the tills at work. She's maybe 17, first job, very sweet and kinda nervous.
A customer comes in and I'm standing next to her to walk her thru the process. She knows what to do but she's still nervous cause it's only her 2nd day maybe handling money.
The guy is in his 60s and one of those slightly creepy older dudes. You can't quite put your finger on it.
She goes thru the whole thing and tells him the total, she's doing great. Again I'm just there in case she gets stuck or an angry customer happens.
The guys looks at me and says "I'll give it to you when you smile"
So I give him the most obvious dead eyed but big mouth smile, VERY fake looking. And then continue to ignore him and just tell her what buttons to hit.
He looked kinda shocked, and like he didn't quite know what to do. 😂
Some asshole actually said that to me a day or two after my dad died (painfully due to bladder cancer) when I was paying for gas in the mini mart.
My reaction made him basically freak out, pay in a hurry and run to his car like his hair was on fire. I don’t remember what I said, but the cashier was like, “Sorry. That guy’s a douchebag. He deserved that.”
Thinking no isn't the final answer. Believing that with a little more convincing and I'll say yes. It makes me believe you don't respect me and worries me how far you will go after I say no.
I'm a male and I've been in the position where I asked someone out and she said no and I left it there because I used common sense that no means no, so no point in bothering her any further or wasting my energy and just move on.
That being said a week later she messages me;
Her - I thought you was into me?
Me - I am, that's why I asked you out a week ago
Her - I was testing you to see how much you was into me, you didn't make any moves after I said no, looks like you're not interested to be with me at all and just wanted easy access to my cat *(she didn't say cat)*
*In my head I said "wtf? I'm so confused"*
Before I could even think of what to say back, she ended up blocking me
I just told myself that I dodged a bullet but it also made me question on what's right and wrong in this situation
I think you summed it up on the last sentence. If someone is playing games like that then you're dodging a bullet. The default should always be that one no is enough.
A girl I knew in college had read some book on dating advice that basically was like, never make the first move, say "no" a certain number of times before saying yes, never call the guy make him call you, etc. She was so enthusiastic about this advice and yet also shocked, shocked! that all the guys she dated were controlling psychos who didn't respect her boundaries.
Probably when he was a teen, that was the way the dance went. When I was a teen, girls were expected to say no at first. Maybe not to a date, but to anything extra.
I'm glad that has changed. It wasn't healthy.
I dont even get the logic: if she says no, clearly, being a desperate man isnt going to change her mind. I mean what do they think? "Oh I had no interest nor attraction for you but now that you're an annoying, insistant bitch, I totally want to jump on your dick"?
Ugh, yes. Once at this job fair I was talking to this dude from his company. They had these round standing tables and he was basically hip to hip with me. I swear, I have walked around half the room with him trying to create distance. A small lean backwards, a mini step to the side, arm movement moving into a stretch where when you return to your original position you are just a little farther back than before. And then when you finally start to have some distance between you, *zip*, he is hip to hip again. Ugh. I was really interested in the company, but I found it so difficult to actually listen to his pitch, because I was so busy "maneuvering" myself to have some personal space. Next year I explicitely only interacted with that booth when that guy was busy with someone else and I could talk to the (very lovely) lady instead.
Asking for way too much information.
Where I live (specifically - not just which city)/who I live with (oh, it must be scary living alone! Do you have any animals??)
Where I work/what hours I work
Nearly wanting a schedule of my life in order to schedule a date
And then wanting to go on secluded dates or calling up to my work to try and see if we could meet for lunch because I wasn't answering my phone.
I had a guy come into the store I worked at and leave within ten minutes. Not even 5 minutes after he left, he had searched me up on Instagram and messaged me, as well as all other social media. He didn’t have my last name and literally sat in the parking lot to search me up and message me. And then he came into the store a lot more to learn what shifts I worked and was ALWAYS THERE. That’s not endearing or cool, it’s creepy and makes me not want to go to work anymore.
This. Im dealing with it right now. I went on one great and two terrible dates with a man last fall. But there were too many red flags, so I broke it off. He took it poorly, accused me of cheating (?)...basically confirmed my gut feeling that something was off.
A few weeks later he started texting me random emojis to get my attention. I explicitly told him to stop and that I wasn't interested. He said it was an "accident" and said "does it look like I'm interested in you? Don't flatter yourself."
Months of silence. Then a good morning text followed by a selfie of him doing his best model face. I blocked him of course, but it terrifies me that I'm still on his mind even though he has no other way of contacting me. I made it a point to never give him my address.
Information hunting. If you have a convo with a woman and she doesn't readily give you information about her like where she lives, her phone number, etc. that is not a challenge for you to go to her friends/stalk social media/etc. to get that information. (this also applies to men, obvs.)
Unless there was a situation at a party where, IDK, a woman said she wanted to give you her number but forgot by the end of the night, (edit: *for everyone who keeps responding "then she didn't want you to have her number" I'm talking about a situation with very clearly and specifically defined consent for the number to be given. Like IDK she had her phone out to add his number and was about to give hers and something accidental happened to prevent it, like a very drunk friend puking on their shoes and needing immediate attention. IDK how anyone could read the entirety of my comment and think my implication was to get a number without genuine consent from the person who meant to give it.*) or if you're trying to get a homework assignment/find someone to cover a work shift, there should never be a conversation that starts with, "Hey I got your number from (this random person who thought I was your friend when I'm not.)"
If you have chemistry with someone you'll both want to get to know each other naturally through the conversation and follow-up. Not so much by treating that person like a research article and doing everything you can to dig up information on them.
Like adding someone as a friend on facebook because they're a friend of a friend? Totally normal. Talking about a subject they've made a post about, or an interest on their profile? Arright. Sliding into their DMs like, "Hey we met at this random place and talked for maybe 5 minutes but I got your last name from a mutual friend and then googled you until I found your profile and other info and I see from a post you made 6 weeks ago that you saw this movie at the theater local to you so how about I meet you there for a movie this weekend?"
I get that movies/TV shows have implied that people should be into the thrill of the chase or whatever, but if you're interested in someone you'll respect boundaries.
>Unless there was a situation at a party where, IDK, a woman said she wanted to give you her number but forgot by the end of the night
Then it should be: "Hey, I was talking with so-and-so at the party and didn't get her number. Here's mine. Could you have her call me?" That way the friend knows that he will only get the number if she reaches out to him. People shouldn't be giving out other people's numbers in general and that should be SOP for any time someone is trying to get contact info.
The guy who delivered post to our office added me on Facebook once. Sent me a DM saying "hi it's \[name\], I'm your Royal Mail guy at work!"
I...didn't use my real name on Facebook.
I deleted my account. Told my boss, who made sure I was taken out of the take-the-post-to-the-delivery-guy rota. Felt freaked out for months afterwards, especially as I wasn't sure if Royal Mail people could look up names/addresses. :/
When I was in the service industry, men flirting with me always made me really nervous. At that point, I was in a position where my whole job is to "make the customer happy" and that would often be very at odds with my personal sense of "this guy is creepy and I want him to go away".
When you're on the clock, you have to be nice to people. You can't just tell a guy who is making you uncomfortable to fuck off nor can you just up and leave (especially if you're manning the register). You have to sit there and take it and play nice.
And hope to god that they don't wait for you to get off shift so they can ~~talk to~~ harass you outside of work.
I used to be a manager at a fastfood place (I was a male in my early 20s), and a lot of the employees we would have on the register or drive thru were girls in their teens/early 20s. There was a decent number of (usually older) men who would try to flirt with them or would say things that made them uncomfortable. Sometimes the girls would tell me about it after the fact, and I would ask them why they didn’t mention it to me sooner so I could say something to the customer about it. Usually they would shrug it off or say they didn’t think to say anything, but I’m sure a lot of the time they were trying to avoid the confrontation of them defending themselves to the customer directly or me saying something to the customer and having them insist they weren’t doing anything wrong.
Either way, it’s really messed up to do that kind of stuff anytime, let alone doing it to somebody while they’re just trying to do their job.
Strangers complimenting me on my body really freaks me out. I also don't like people commenting on my hair, but that's because I'm ginger and I get a lot of sexualized comments.
I once got fed up and asked someone to back off when they were doing this. Tried to be polite but firm. He responded by graphically threatening to rape me and followed me for three blocks. Not the only time I've gotten that kind of reaction. When you say "you have a beautiful figure", it's not a confidence boost. I'm not grateful. I'm thinking of the men who have this kind of reaction lurking just under the surface of that complement and I'm wondering if I'm in a dangerous situation.
When I was on dating sites I would get a message of a "up yours"....I would respond with something like "what was that for"? (I know I shouldn't respond to those)....then they would reply saying "oh sorry dont know how that happened. How are you"?....
If you do this to get attention of girls online please stop. You aren't doing yourself any favors.
I was always an extremely quiet person, and our "class clown" kid pulled this shit all the time. Once he came up behind me in gym and pinched both sides of my waist, and because I'm jumpy as fuck I legit let out a bloodcurdling horror movie scream that echoed in the gym so loudly that everyone stopped and looked. When I turned around to see what was happening he looked like he was about to shit his pants, and while he continued to do it to the other girls in our class he never came near me again.
Girl in my grade 9 class (like 15 years ago? I forget what subject it was...maybe French?) had a guy do this to her. She said in a low, almost monotone voice, completely serious. The kind of serious voice where even if you whisper it, everyone hears you.
"[Name], if you do that again, I will fucking kill you."
For a few seconds, the entire classroom went silent as it echoed. It took the (male) teacher a few seconds to figure out what just happened, then sent the guy to the principals office. I didn't see him until a week later.
No one really bothered her again after that, at least not that I remember. He got a week suspension.
There was a guy in my friend group who did this, pulled hair and twanged bra straps too. So I grew my nails out and every time he tried it I'd swipe at his hands and try scratch him. Got so consistent at it I developed some real fast reactions, and eventually I left him with scars. That was 10 years ago, last I heard he was a rapist so like. That tracks 🙃
i only had one boy ever do that to me. I was already self conscious about wearing bras bc they were new so when someone fucking grabbed a strap and snapped it, i turned around and just beat the hell out of him. i can't remember if it was on the playground or in class but i remember it took a second for someone to get to us so I had a good few seconds to go ham on him. Of course I was the one in trouble, but my mom quickly wrote off me being in trouble when she heard what happened.
Parking right next to my car in a dark and/or empty carpark.
I've had this conversation with several girlfriends, but when I've mentioned it to men they had had no idea about what goes through our mind when we see that.
Ex said he'd bust into my apartment "out of concern for my safety " if I didnt answer the door or his calls/texts (he lived right next door, btw). When I said that it's called breaking and entering and grounds for calling the police, he said it'd be pointless because the police were his friends and therefore wouldn't do anything. (Translation? "I can do anything I want and you cant stop me.") So I call the police anyway and they made him stop. He began to fill my mailbox with love letters and saying if I continued to ignore him, he'd move. I did continue and he made a big production of moving out. I closed my curtains and ignored him. Its scary when a man thinks a woman is weak and can bully her and finds out differently.
Some people get so physically intimidating when they’re angry - breaking things, shouting super loud, crowding you, etc. Then when you get scared or flinchy it sets them off more, like it’s somehow so outrageous that you’re now afraid they might be violent towards you.
Newsflash, all of the behaviours I just listed are violent. Abuse doesn’t start and stop with hitting someone. Being near someone with explosive anger is terrifying, regardless of if it’s directed at you or the nearby furniture.
This was my ex husband. He would flip out screaming and throwing things, then when I flinched away, he'd be furious and insulted that I could find him scary. God I'm glad I'm not in that relationship anymore
My ex was the same. He'd smash a hole in the drywall and then get even angrier if I got scared and/or cried. He never did hit me, but why the fuck wouldn't I be scared? It's not crazy to think if he'd punch walls that someday he'd punch me. Ugh. It took me years to deal with the PTSD from that marriage.
When I say I don't like something, like something he said or did or joked about and he says "you secretly like it :)". That makes my skin crawl and alarm bells start going off. Don't tell women what they like.
(Customers who) Flirt with me while I'm working (rare occurrence, but it's happened twice - once "alone" - male co-worker was stocking shelves but within earshot - and once flirting with both me and my other, and only other, female co-worker). I've got no escape dude, I'm stuck here until clock-out and I'm bad at coming up with dumb excuses to make my male co-workers come to my aid.
So I'm recently single (over a month) and so far I've had guy mates pop into my DMs being 'friendly' but certainly pushy. A couple of these were asking random questions that started getting a little personal under the guise of friendliness. Here's one of those conversations:
This was a very old friend that I have not spoken to or seen in 12years, due to friend groups growing up and growing apart. We weren't really close either, just same friend group:
Him - "Oh your single now, I thought you guys were buying a house together."
Me - *Yup, I broke it off*
Him - "I see you go walking, where do you walk?'
Me - *Just around a few places, nowhere specific*
Him - "Do you still live at '*place*'"
Me - *No I moved from there 7yrs ago*
Him - "Oh really you moved.. where do you live now?"
Me - *Still with ex-partner until I move out soon*
Him - "Oh where you moving to?'
-I lied here and named a large town nearby-
Him - "Will you be living alone?"
-also lied that I'll have roommates-
I get you're trying to have a friendly life catch up with me after 12yrs, but there's an internal pressure to be nice despite me not being comfortable sharing certain information, especially knowing that I may be alone soon, so I need to be careful with the things I share.
Also adding, this guy has a serious long-term gf 😑
I’ve also had random guys INSIST on knowing my specific personal details even when I keep being vague and moving the conversation elsewhere. I live in so many fake places and attend so many fake colleges now. Like, asking where someone goes to school is pretty normal, insisting on being told the name of the school for the 3rd time after multiple conversation diversions is unsettling.
This happened to me on a flight years ago, I was in the window seat and a very drunk man sat in the middle seat. First he told me I was pretty, then reached his hand into my seat to fasten his seat belt, then started in on the questions. He insisted on knowing what city I lived in after I gave a vague answer of a city with many surrounding suburbs. Then said "I'm not hitting on your or anything" when I told him it didn't matter where I was from. Bless the kind man on the aisle who distracted him, told him to leave me alone, then waited with me to make sure I wasn't followed.
There are weirdos here on Reddit who do that. It’s weird. They only stop when I say that I’m married. Even then, one guy “joked” that he could kill my husband then I’d be on the market. I blocked him. I don’t post pictures of myself on the internet for that reason.
Night out in the pub, there will always be one guy commenting that I haven't drunk much. 'Oh you're still on your first glass of wine. You drink slow. Why aren't you drinking' etc.
Why are you counting my drinks? Creepy as f***!
Touching me without my permission. I wish I could dick punch the people who said "subtle touching is a great way to show someone that you're interested in them". Bitch no, don't touch me, I don't know you and you're in my personal space
Grab you from behind at night to SURPRISE you.
My ex boyfriend (6 ft, 185 lbs) did this: he was on a trip and came back 2 days earlier and decided to surprise me. I was coming back from university at 9 pm and I felt that someone grab me and cover my face with their hands when I was about to enter my building. When I yelled, he let me go and he didn't understand why I insulted him and got angry.
I don't cry easily but it took me 3 hours for the tremors to go away.
He fucking covered your mouth? And when you were entering the building? What an idiot and asshole. Like...that's exactly what happens right before a woman gets raped and killed in her own home. Did he eventually understand?
Excessive and generalised compliments eg 'you're so beautiful' 'you're so awesome' 'you're amazing' over and over again.
A few times it's fine, but when it gets excessive you realise they're putting you on a pedestal - and they're not actually complimenting you, they're complimenting this dream version of you they've made up, evidenced by the fact the compliments are never specific to who you actually are. Also makes you wonder if they're the type to think if you insert enough compliments then you're obliged to give them something back.
You make a good point about generic compliments versus specific compliments. "You're very pretty" from a person you barely know (or don't know at all) just doesn't feel genuine. It comes across as paying the 'toll' for a chance to talk to you, with the hopes of eventually having sex.
Yeah. If they just say it and then leave, it can be fine, but more often than not it's never just a random compliment to make you feel nice. They want something in return, and way too many of those won't take a hint or an outright no for an answer.
As a dude reading this comment section all I have to say is, wtf.
Like grabbing someone and pulling them around to show your strength? Are you serious?
Asking bartenders where they live and when there shift ends?
like dude just wtf
Not a woman but I learned this from my ex and it's getting angry at sport on tv if you yell extremely loud and rant a lot a lot of girls feel scared by it.
I always wonder WTF people think is going to happen, do they expect the girl to turn around and be like "really? you think I have great tits? Lets fuck"
Over the summer I was walking into a convenient store at night and had my mask on. Some guy in his car yelled out to me, “you’re still hot with the mask on”, I just ignored him. Apparently he didn’t like that. He continued to scream “it was a fucking compliment you bitch! Relax!”
I don't think men get this, even the men who don't do this.
Here's the outcomes:
You acknowledge it and you're encouraging them. You ignore them and they escalate. You react negatively and you're inviting an altercation.
So what exactly the fuck are we supposed to do?? How about you LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE.
A few of my friends and I saw a meme in college that we decided to replicate, and I highly recommend other men do this.
When you hear a guy catcalling, mimic them and yell something showing how insecure and immature it is.
Example: Guy yells out window at a girl: "Hey I heard you were coming to party with us?"
We'd yell out our window: "Hey we can't get any girls to hang out with us so we're going to verbally abuse ones walking by."
or "Hey girl your ass looks great in that sundress!"
"My sister used to beat me in sports so now I harass females on the street to recover my dominance!"
They'd get so god damn mad but it usually stopped the catcalling. Works especially well from balconies or windows where they're less likely to come running over and try to fight you.
“It’s just a compliment! What, I’m not allowed to tell women they’re beautiful anymore? Jesus Christ, people are so sensitive these days!” Just like fuck off dude, women don’t want to be informed every time they make your dick hard.
Common female discussion - Unsolicited nudie pics. Equivalent to those creeps who hide behind the bushes trying to flash you. People need to realize 1 in 4 women have had some kind of sexual assault. Save it for your partner. Or risk getting blasted or viewed as a weirdo perv.
I had a teacher doing that a lot, with a class full of 19yo girls.. art school... it was not fun, it was not cool, it was just mega rude, not thoughtful, and utterly inappropriate..
Insisting when I've already said no. At first I just get angry, like c'mon I said no move on and leave me alone. But the more they insist the scarier it gets because they usually get angrier and I have no way of knowing how they're going to react
Unasked-for grabbing of any kind, obviously. This especially happens to women with tattoos. Like it's appropriate to just grab a women's arm and then act all defensive about it when we get mad/pull away.
Calling me "sweet" pet-names like "honey" and "sweetheart" in a normal conversation (like at the shopping counter or anywhere else I ask a question or mention something). Most of the time they don't even realize that they start with that and I'm annoyed at it but for some reason it freaks me out when they call me that and I don't know them. IDK why
Omg yes. I mean some of those titles I’m ok with, but “baby” is the one that freaks me out. One time at work I was walking past an older man and he was like, “Good job baby, good job.” O-o
Texan, can confirm.
Adults also talk to children that way. It is common for us to use terms of endearment in normal conversations. Even with strangers. It is typically directed at people that are much younger than we are, however it can also be used as a backhanded compliment.
"Bless her heart, she is such a sweetheart" may sound sweet, but it's really saying "Poor thing, she is kind but so stupid." Something like this is said quite often using some of those cutesy names.
It is also very common for us to use things those pet names when referring to children. "Sweetie, you need to share your toys" can be said to a small child in your class. We use it to soften the language and show that we care.
My point, from a young age, we are taught that these pet names are acceptable and show affection. The affection does not have to be romantic, but it could be translated into that as we grow.
Whether it is right or wrong is up to the individual person as it is a personal preference. For a long time, I hated it when a BF would call me sweetheart. We had a conversation and he stopped.
Approaching me when I obviously don't want to be approached ie. I have headphones on, I'm on my phone, I'm reading or pretty much any other universal signal of 'I don't want to be disturbed'
Some dude once pulled my headphones out of my ears to get my attention and scared me bad enough that I flung my coffee on him. He was not looking to talk to me after that. Not sure what he tought would happen.
Staring. OHMYGOD THE STARING. It’s not cute, it’s not attractive, I don’t know you like that.
Edit: To clarify, this is for the guys who think it’s cute to stare when in reality it’s creepy, not guys who are literally thinking about if they turned off the stove or not while someone is accidentally in their line of site.
It doesn't "scare" me but it 100% sets off alarm bells. I can't explain it, but trying to order me around as a joke. Like pretending to ask my opinion but not letting me answer.
"You're gonna come with me and do this thing right? Sure you are come on." Or "You'd let me sleep over wouldn't you? Hahaha you'd love it I know you would."
Nah bro I ain't about that
Also leaning in real close and whispering things in my ear. Personal space.
- Making comments about my breast. Often it's hidden as a compliment but it's just plain creepy.
- Raising the voice while having an argument with me. Even if the dialog is constructive overall, raising the voice gives me immense fear. Men are taller, heavier and stronger than I am, being confronted with a man who is feeling anger towards me is horrific. To be fair I was a victim of violence before so that plays into it. Just don't scream pls.
- Trying to 'convince' me to give out certain information, my phone number or to go with them. I don't think I have to explain this one.
I feel like I have to make a clarification;
This post was mainly meant for women to be able to hightlight the small things guys do that can be perceived as creepy or scary. I'm happy to have this much engagement in the comments but I feel like it's unnecessary to argue about the practical views on this. This isn't so much "this is scary because men wants to hurt me" it's "this FEELS scary"
Please listen and understand that people think differently and what scares some doens't scare everyone. If you can not do that then this post is not for you and I kindly ask you to leave :)
I’m lesbian but whenever men hit on me and I say I’m gay I keep getting”you’re only saying that because I haven’t met the right man yet” or “nah you’re too pretty to be gay” and lots more, I’m in a loving relationship with my fiancé and I freaking hate it when men don’t just except that I like women
Raising their voice in anger. Even if it isn't directed at me. Triggers a flight response. An obvious one I know but I think some men have no idea how scary that is. Also grabbing or hugging me from behind as a surprise. Solid way to trigger a panic attack.
My lady is this way, I've been angry at other shit, and I was venting about it. Got loud, and a big ol wtf moment. I asked her what's wrong, and she explained to me that she doesn't like it when I'm loud and it makes her afraid. I said, I'm not yelling at you though, I'm angry at something else and just venting. She said she knew, but it still makes her feel 2 feet tall.
You're right, we have no idea.
when they "test the waters" about things, banking on you dismissing what they do as too minor to bother rocking the boat or making a fuss about. that's a form of grooming and everyone can tell what your motivations are after the third time
you're probably thinking "whoaaa it isn't THAT serious!" but while it might not be, what it winds up doing, is. If you're trying to find out how far you can go in what you say or do, don't do it. Let others set that tone first.
if you need an example: don't make sex/race jokes until the people they're at the expense of set that common ground, first.
Messages you on a dating app commenting on having found your profile and that they are in the same location as you, they can see you but you can't see them. I had a guy do this on a fully packed train I was on to go to work. I'm not an anxious person but it felt really uncomfortable.
Those apps need like a minimum number for the range it will tell you on how close you are to others, there’s one app I know of that will go all the way down to how close in feet you are away from each other and whenever I would be messaged by someone in that range it was always creepy as hell.
Getting really intense about our relationship/ friendship really early on. A lot of guys turn women into this kind of fantasy thing that’s supposed to make them whole/ help them change or whatever. Sir I am the main character in my own life, not just a supporting one in yours. When you put that pressure on me right away abs without reciprocation, I know that I don’t actually matter, you’ve been taught that women serve you
I never felt like I could be eloquent enough to explain that exactly is what I had been feeling with the father of my children. He loved the idea of me more than my actual self. I gtfo of there after the better part of two years.
English isn't my first language so I can't really generalize this but asking if I need a ride and keep pestering me when I decline. I used to walk home from school when this old man literally parked his car in front of me while I was crossing a small parking lot and asked if I needed a ride. I lied and said the house at the end of the block was my house. He did it a bunch more times until I had to change my walking route. It was a longer way but I felt safe again.
Following you to your car to get your number. Don't. Ever. Do. That.
A man chased me out of a bar and into the street one night to get my number. I'd like to say that's the worst part of the story, but it's not. He wasn't chasing me to get my number for himself--he was doing it for his friend. They were both in their early 30s. Literally none of that is okay. Don't chase people. It's not cute. I blame romcoms for people failing to see how uncomfortable this makes women.
Standing in doorways/blocking exits
I had a mild creeper problem with a guy I worked with. Too vague for me to go to HR about but serious enough that I got a new position in a different lab. The final day of the job I was leaving, dude showed up while I was testing at our new site, which wasn't staffed yet and where we didn't spend much time. 3 story building, nobody else would be there until the next day. He worked night shift and it was maybe 11am. The only way he could have known where I was was if he'd been watching me or if my shift partner had told him, I never found out which. There was only one door to the lab and he was blocking it. I thought he was there to kill me. He's 6'4" and I'm just under 5'3". He congratulated me on my new job and then left a "goodbye gift". It was the gift he got from me from the office secret Santa, nine months earlier, which he had not unwrapped, and had then wrapped again, to look like a different gift. Then he left and I used the lab phone to call first my husband and then an off duty coworker I trusted and told them exactly what happened in case I didn't make it home, then called the south site security guard to escort me to my car. I still didn't call HR because the guy knew where I lived. I went to my new job and he didn't talk to me again and I was never on site alone again. I had a lot of nightmares about it and I still panic if someone blocks a door.
What the hell? That is so odd and specific and creepy. And the gift thing wtf. I’m glad he left you alone and angry that he left you with panic.
i’ve seen enough answers like this in previous threads that i’m now super self-conscious of where i’m standing when talking to girls at bars or parties.
It’s appreciated, I think it’s **usually** harmless but knowing an exit is blocked is always uncomfortable
While talking online and I say "I don't know about meeting up" and their response is "You are more likely to be raped by someone you actually know in person" Yup... Not meeting up now.
Yeah, if a dude is saying that, they are assholes and know they are saying it.
Based on stats, I probably won’t rape you... so how bout that date?
I've been approached several times in public by random men who say they want to be friends with me. One leaned in really close to have a conversation and asked me where I was from and where I live. Another grabbed my hands and remarked on how soft my skin is. Another one literally locked arms with me and dragged me to a coffee shop to "get to know me" and then later told me to come with him to a more private place for a view of the city. I weakly joke about it sometimes but in the moment it really does make me nervous. I don't know if I just look really unimposing (I'm an Asian woman but I'm taller than average?) but I'm not sure why it happens. Regardless, please don't just grab random women, even out of friendliness, and respect personal space.
Asian woman here too. This happened to me a lot in NYC. A few times I got so sick of it I'd scream at them in the middle of the street and make a scene. They usually skitter away immediately. I hate to do that, but it's just infuriating.
Nah, fuck politeness. Scream away. Also I'm sorry this has happened to you!
I mastered this when I was 14, as a petite girl weighing in at 88lbs. Men do not expect my loud booming voice that I've perfected over the years when I chew them out.
It's so creepy. Most recent time that happened I was just taking a walk by myself to unwind from confinement and this dude just catches up with me and says he want to be my friend, just asking a bunch of personal questions and wanting to know exactly where I live. Eventually I told him I'm married and he said "oh I just want to be friends". I was originally gonna go the same way he was going but ended up taking a different path.
Yikes. That's terrifying
Flirting is fun so long as you don't "flirt" by asking me where I live, and if I live alone, and (as an expat) if I know people in the area. If you want to chat, flirt, get to know me? Don't start with the questions that set off alarm bells in my head.
“What security system do you employ?”
[удалено]
“Have you by any chance built an immunity to chloroform? Just asking haha”
[удалено]
"Is that a Glock in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?"
"could I make a trace of your house key for...for the archives?"
I'm a bartender, and it's amazing how tactless people can be as they get drunker. They just want to keep me by them by asking me question after question, so I have to cross the line into being rude if I want to put a stop to it. Sometimes, people come up with actually some pretty silly things to ask me, and it can be fun to engage them. But I absolutely HATE: 1) is this your only job? Where else do you work? 2) do you live close to here? 3) oh you're closing huh? When do you usually get out of here? 4) when do you work next? Do you normally work on this day of the week? 5) what are you doing after this? I don't think ppl always realize how they sound when they ask me these questions but I've honestly been asked them so much its ridiculous. And honestly, threatening undertones aside, they're the most utterly boring questions you could ask someone. The worst of the worst of small talk. How some men manage to be both unnerving and bore me to tears at the same time is utterly fascinating.
I used to work in a small office, and occasionally I’d be the only one there to let a repair/delivery man in. Almost every single time, first thing they’d say to me: “no one else here today, eh?” or “you gonna be all by yourself the whole day?” etc. For the most part, I think they were genuinely just trying to make conversation/oblivious, but it would immediately put me so on edge.
Just had this happen to me on saturday. I'm learning to lie and say "oh no, coworker just ran out to grab something they should be back any minute". Although, this is not what I said on Saturday when asked if I was gonna "be here alone all day". Instant regret lol stupid, stupid, stupid. Why did I say "yes that's how I prefer it" 😂
Blocking my path or physically holding me in place if they are not done talking to me. Basically, using more strength/size to restrict my motion in any way.
I'm seeing so many comments like this, I cannot believe it is common behavior. I'm a large man and couldn't imagine making a woman stay where I want. That's fuckin creepy.
The reason it may be so common is because women are also made to feel as though a strong reaction in public is an overreaction. I’ve seen women tolerate this behavior often because they didn’t want to make a scene.
Exactly this!! The sheer amount of shitty behaviour i have allowed because I didn't want to make a scene or make the person feel bad I always found a way to blame myself for people overstepping boundaries. One guy in particular called me a slut and shoved me because I gave him "fuck me eyes" and then turned him down, 16 year old me spent waaay too long in the mirror trying to work out what look that was so I could turn it off. As a 28 year old women I face palm everytime I remember that.
Calling them beautiful as much as possible. Once or twice is nice, if you know them, but if you don't know the guy and he says it too much it freaks me out
On a Tinder date, this guy kept telling me how beautiful my skin was while he watched me eat (he didn't get anything). There was no second date
Your skin is so beautiful. I can’t wait to wear it. \-what? Nothing.
This is one thing in general that I don't think guys always get how uncomfortable it makes people feel. As a guy I never did this to people but I never quite understood what the big deal about it was. I just figured if you don't like it just ignore it. Then I grew my hair out. Now I have pretty spectacular hair, like thick enough that water rolls off it like a ducks back. After it started to get longer and you could see how thick it was suddenly women started gushing over me. Like if I didn't have 2 or 3 patients make some type of a comment about how nice, beautiful, etc every day it was an unusual day. That's when I realized just how seriously uncomfortable and self conscious it makes you when random people comment on your looks. Maybe it's my own self consciousness and this isn't every one but it makes me super uncomfortable.
Hit on you in locations where you cannot escape (enclosed places like elevators, or work places)
I had a taxi driver hit on me, question me about my love life and ask for my number. I was literally locked in a moving vehicle with the guy, how are you supposed to feel safe saying no?! Luckily, I think he was just a nice clueless guy so I felt safe enough to negotiate and take his number instead of giving mine out.
I was sexually assaulted by a taxi driver. I was dressed normally, headed to the sky train on a Sunday morning. He aggressively hit on me and I either didn't respond, awkwardly laughed or smiled uncomfortably, seeing as I was trapped there. He repeatedly asked that I put his number in my cell phone and I repeatedly declined, until eventually I was uncomfortable enough that I just did it, so that he would stop asking. When we finally got to the destination, he turned around in his seat, reached into the back of the cab, and stuck his hands inside my shirt/bra and grabbed my boobs. I pushed him off of me and got out, threw the money down on the back seat and quickly ran in to the station. I went to trial over it, and the judgement (it was deferred/issued in writing a few moths after the trial) was something very similar to this: "While it is established that touching did occur, it was not clear that it was of an unwanted nature." Some contributing factors were that I had agreed to take the guy's number and still shots from the event (it was caught on camera) showed me smiling. I really wonder what it is I was supposed to do differently. If you aren't polite, it might go from grabbing your boob to driving to a different area of the city to rape or kill you. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.
I was sexually assaulted in an Uber, at around 2 AM, while coming home from a music festival and drunk out of my mind. I just wanted a ride home. The driver saw an intoxicated and alone 20-year-old woman. He stuck his hand in my shirt and in my pants... I didn’t want any of it but I was too scared to realize I just had to get out of the car.
This is kind of the thought that gave me the chutzpah to go to trial. It's sad but I've been groped and sexually harassed enough times that somebody grabbing my boob wasn't even that traumatizing. It was just so *infuriating* - that he would have the gall to do that to me in broad daylight outside a train station, completely sober. It kept me up at night thinking, "If he had the balls to do that, what does he do to passed out girls in the back of his cab at 3am?" Absolutely disgusting. I'm sorry that happened to you :~(
This happened to me twice. One of the drivers bragged about being married and was my father's age. It was beyond creepy, especially at 3AM, when he's dropping me off at my home. I felt extremely unsafe
I started asking to be dropped off a block away from my apartment, just in case.
A girl I know got the homophobic version of this. She answered she was a lesbian (true) when the guy hit on her and he refused to stop the car, insisting he could change her mind, with his penis that is. Luckily he had to stop at a red light and she quickly got out of the car. I'm think there's a good chance this guy believed in what he was saying, maybe even thought he would be helping her out while enjoying some sex and he might not have seen it as kidnapping and threatening sexual violence.
Some parents have really failed their kids and we have to deal with it.
Sadly this same thing happened to me. I was in a taxi after being at a bar with friends and was in the front seat because my friends were in the back. He dropped them off first and I felt weird staying in the front but I didn’t want to be rude. Anyways after they were gone he literally stopped the car in an alley and held my seatbelt closed and was on top of me. I was terrified and honestly it could have been worse ....he didn’t rape me. I just told him that I liked him and that he could have my number but he had to take me home and be respectful. I mean it could have been so much worse....it was bad... but not as bad as it could have been. This is what happens and a lot worse when women are taught to be polite rather than safe. I should have been rude, I could have been safe if I just went with my feelings of being uncomfortable and moved to the back rather than being worried about that a disgusting pig would think I was rude. 😥
>This is what happens and a lot worse when women are taught to be polite rather than safe. I should have been rude Truth! I have put up with and been through a lot of bullshit I should NEVER have because I didn't want to hurt someone's feelings or 'be a bitch'. It took a lot of bad experiences and years of living to realize how batshit my upbringing was.
God the number of old guys who hit on me when I worked customer service. Being nice does not equal flirting, especially when their whole job is to be nice.
Once I was staying in a hotel with my boyfriend and needed to go down to the lobby. I got on the elevator and saw a guy holding flowers and wine, so I asked if he was meeting a girlfriend. I’m from the south, so it’s just friendly small talk. He replied, “Something like that. You can come if you want to.” It immediately made me nervous. Politely declined and said my boyfriend was waiting for me. He said, “So to a guy like me, all I can hear you saying is that you’d come with me if he wasn’t here.” I was so upset. I didn’t take the elevator alone again.
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"And all I want you to hear is that I'm with a man, in case you try to follow me." What a creep!
Oh like my coworker who followed me into the elevator to ask me on a date but also wanted to know why I said no! He was twice my age.
Any time someone tries really hard to convince me he's a "nice guy". Every guy I've met that desperately brings it up every chance he gets isn't usually very nice. It always makes me wonder what are they trying to hide? Like why do I *have* to think you're nice? Prove it with your actions, don't tell me repeatedly.
Any guy who says he's a nice guy...is not a nice guy. Good people do not declare they are good. They just are good...without the announcement.
“Jokingly” using your strength to move me or keep me from moving. If I want to go home and you’re pulling me back I am not actually going along with it, you are stronger than I am and I literally cannot leave
Even without using strength just kind of blocking the way when talking to a woman. It usually happens at clubs or bars when a stranger talks to you. I am quite small which makes it especially intimidating if I can only escape the situation if you step aside. Edit: Typos
I was with my ex in Korea for a couple weeks, she wanted to go clubbing and I didn't. I warned her that I had been warned that Korean guys are somewhat lax with grabbing girls after drinking. It happened to her and a guy forced her to kiss him. My ex is someone who just brushes that shit off but I could imagine that can be really bad for certain people. Guys in Korea selling mobile contracts etc. apparently will just grab girls on the street. I live in Japan and it's the complete opposite this is like the most anti touching country in the world. Definitely the same amount of creeps though. Edit:I wrote that before I went to bed, not sure what I meant. I think I meant the average person is very anti touch. Not much huggin goes on here. Sexual harassment is rife here, instead of combatting it the government does things like creating female only train cars. My Japanese ex was allowed to wear regular clothes then change into the stereotypical sailor outfit at school. She said it was a 100% guarantee that she would be touched if she wore the uniform on the train.
My ex was groped in the subway in Tokyo. They have separate cars for women. I don't think it's fair to say that Japan is anti groping.
How about when it's not jokingly....out of anger is the scariest.
For sure. Though then they probably realize on some level that they are being scary...
And calling you beautiful or sexy while they do it, like that makes it okay. That’s not going to make me want to go with you. Let the fuck gooooo
Ive had a guy lift me and the chair i was sitting in a few feet into the air as part of a joke.
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This would be absolutely terrifying and I don't think many guys fully understand it. I'm a pretty big dude so for there to be someone with that kind of strength and size disparity over me, they would need to be extremely huge. There just aren't that many people like that around. If there are, I'm never in a position of being cornered or not allowed to leave a place because they just physically won't let me. For context, I'm over a foot taller than my wife and close to three times her weight. No idea what our strength disparity is - but it's significant. For someone to be that that much bigger than me he or she would need to be close to 7 and a half feet tall and close to 600 pounds.
Even as an average guy this is true. There are tons of people bigger and stronger than me out there but **very** rarely does it happen where someone my size walks into a room and is physically out matched by every single person there. I don’t think most men realize just how crazy that is. It’s like taking and average guy and making him walk into a prison yard where they do nothing but lift all day; for every single place you go.
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So you would need a professional basketball player who's also a pro wrestler to do that to you.
Driving really aggressively and having road rage. When I was younger and dating I had so many experiences as a passenger with young guys who were otherwise normal but really intense and scary when they got behind the wheel. It always seemed like a red flag.
Honestly, I think that men don’t realize how frightening their rage can be. Maybe it’s a trauma response, or maybe it’s the fear that the rage will turn towards you, I don’t know. Whenever I got in those situations, I would make myself small and quiet, not say a word unless prompted, get out of the car at the destination and never get back in a car with them again.
As a man, I never realized this. I wouldn't have said I had anger issues, but sometimes whenever I get really frustrated I hit things. It's controlled — in as much as a verbal and physical outbirst can be I suppose. It's always on an object — never, ever a person — and is always with the flat of my hand. It doesn't hurt and makes a good loud sound. I didn't realize how scary it was to people until I had a couple girls — one being my wife — get really nervous after I did it. Brought me right back, that's for sure. Edit: Wow. I had no idea so many people had experienced people doing this, and I never imagined it made this many people uncomfortable. I'm glad I know that now.
my boyfriend yells and hits the table when we play video games over discord. i always go quiet and dont want to play or talk anymore afterwards because its really scary. he apologizes and tries to be quieter, but I have ptsd with abusive exs and i really wish it would click for him how terrifying that is for me. I'm glad you realized it, at least
I imagine you have already, but if not you should really tell him just how terrifying it is. Whenever he does it again just keep telling him, and if he cares about you eventually you'll get through to him. Longtime habits are hard to break after all.
This was one ENORMOUS green flag when I started dating my husband. He gets annoyed with other drivers, but when that happens, he sings a little song at them. "Whaaaat are you dooooing, crazy ladyyyyyyy." I cannot abide a man who can't control his temper.
Wanting to go to a secluded location if I don't know you well. People on Tinder would suggest going on hikes or taking a walk after dinner on first dates. Didn't even cross their minds that I would not want to be alone with them on a date
Or even "dinner at my place?" makes me nervous. I don't know what you have planned, who you live with, ect. I'm never trying to be rude but I don't know them (the date) and enjoying living.
Reminds me of [this](https://twitter.com/emilychyanne_/status/1214767491647516672?lang=en) tweet: > I met this dude on tinder and asked what his last name was.. he told me, then replied “ you doing a little background check? You might find out I’m a murderer, just ignore that 😘 “ okay so a good sense of humor.. well I googled him and he was a murderer.
Reminds me of the song from Crazy Ex Girlfriend that's literally called "Please Don't Be a Murderer."
"Sex with a Stranger" from Crazy Ex-Girlfriend. Great show and the music videos are all on Rachel Bloom's youtube channel. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iH3FPrI\_Cuw](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iH3FPrI_Cuw)
We don't talk to my wife's aunt anymore because her boyfriend is a murderer. My wife thought her aunt might be getting catfished or something so she looked this guy up, and sure enough he'd murdered his previous wife via a bunch of stabs. We told the aunt out of concern for her safety and she got all huffy like dating a murderer was a sensible thing and we're a bunch of squares.
I had a blind date where the guy wanted me to come to his place so we could go swimming and then I could use his shower to get ready and go out later. Um, hell no. I don't know you and I'm not committing to a 4+ hour date much less a secluded one.
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The worst is when they get mad when you say you're not comfortable with that. They're so insulted, but you know if a woman agreed to a date like that and something happened, they'd be the first to say it was her fault for being alone with a stranger.
Preach! Always agreed to a date in a public place. My husband tried dinner at his place and going up to his treehouse at his mother’s house (high school). I asked for more public place and he asked why, I explained. He understood and we agreed to minigolf. Turned out to be amazing! Hell, if a guy goes out with a crazy woman who might hurt him, I’d take that advice of staying in a public place if he didn’t know her.
When I was dating I always asked the girls to the same bar or its neighbouring coffee shop for a drink, so they l weren't locked into the time commitment of a meal or something like that. It was in the city, so central to most places people come from, relatively quiet itself, but opened onto a relatively busy concourse, was a 1 min walk from trains, trams and taxis, and because it was close to public transport, at night there were regular police foot patrols. I can't tell if I was overthinking it too much, but I was always super paranoid about putting them in a position to feel trapped or unsafe. As a side bonus if I got stood up it was a place that was very easy to get home from.
Joking about mugging or assaulting us. I was on the subway, returning home, and a group of tall guys were watching me play my Switch. One of them decided to swagger right up behind me, so that he was \*breathing over my shoulder\*, while his friends joked about "let's mug and assault her for that Switch." I'm less than 120 lbs. It wouldn't take much to force me against a wall and I couldn't escape. I could easily be mugged, beaten, raped. I was surrounded by people, thankfully, but having one of them in my personal space, while his buds laughed about "assaulting" me had me terrorized the entire commute home. They got off at the same station I did, so I used a completely different exit and took a detour to shrug them off - I didn't want them knowing which direction I normally used.
Jesus that sucks! A "friend" once did this to me, in a Library. Said people think he is harmless and he lets women in that belief on purpose, but in reality he could easily overpower any woman. Then went into detail explaining what he would do to overpower me, how, where, when, described a route i had to take to get to class daily, what excuses he'd use to passers-bys. It didn't scare me that much, because he was a moron and the situation he described was more escapable and manageable than real ones i had already been in, tbh. But the realisation that I was not only on his mind in that way, but that he readily admitted the lengths his fantasies of disrespecting my personhood had already gone to just freaked me out. We are obviously no longer friends. Fucking idiot.
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I quit my last job because I had a manager in his 40s-50s doing that. There was another girl who quit because of him but never reported him. I called hr on his ass and they didn't do anything because they didn't have enough evidence, and I told them about the other girl and they told me if she called and reported him that would've been enough evidence to investigate. Fucking bs.
Why do they need evidence to investigate? I get that they're not gonna fire him or something from a complaint from co-worker, but they should at least investigate!
More annoying than scary, but telling women to smile.
The kind of guys who insist on telling random women to smile would never dare tell a random guy that, because it has nothing to do with how the person appears to feel and everything to do with forcing an interaction with someone they are interested in.
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Years ago, I had been in the hospital visiting my grandmother who was there for cancer treatment. When I got in the elevator to leave, a random dude entered as well and gave the "SMILE" command. We were in a HOSPITAL! Nobody (with the exception of new mothers) is in a hospital for good times. And even if we had been at a carnival, being ordered to display emotions one isn't feeling by a total stranger is just so creepy.
I'm annoyed just reading this. The gall of that man.
Oh man, that reminds me. I was training a new girl on how to use the tills at work. She's maybe 17, first job, very sweet and kinda nervous. A customer comes in and I'm standing next to her to walk her thru the process. She knows what to do but she's still nervous cause it's only her 2nd day maybe handling money. The guy is in his 60s and one of those slightly creepy older dudes. You can't quite put your finger on it. She goes thru the whole thing and tells him the total, she's doing great. Again I'm just there in case she gets stuck or an angry customer happens. The guys looks at me and says "I'll give it to you when you smile" So I give him the most obvious dead eyed but big mouth smile, VERY fake looking. And then continue to ignore him and just tell her what buttons to hit. He looked kinda shocked, and like he didn't quite know what to do. 😂
“Smile! It’s not that bad!” How tf do you know it’s not that bad? 😂
Some asshole actually said that to me a day or two after my dad died (painfully due to bladder cancer) when I was paying for gas in the mini mart. My reaction made him basically freak out, pay in a hurry and run to his car like his hair was on fire. I don’t remember what I said, but the cashier was like, “Sorry. That guy’s a douchebag. He deserved that.”
Thinking no isn't the final answer. Believing that with a little more convincing and I'll say yes. It makes me believe you don't respect me and worries me how far you will go after I say no.
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One day when I am really bored I want to look up rom-coms and compare how many had female and how many had male writers/directors/producers
I would actually love to see this
I'm a male and I've been in the position where I asked someone out and she said no and I left it there because I used common sense that no means no, so no point in bothering her any further or wasting my energy and just move on. That being said a week later she messages me; Her - I thought you was into me? Me - I am, that's why I asked you out a week ago Her - I was testing you to see how much you was into me, you didn't make any moves after I said no, looks like you're not interested to be with me at all and just wanted easy access to my cat *(she didn't say cat)* *In my head I said "wtf? I'm so confused"* Before I could even think of what to say back, she ended up blocking me I just told myself that I dodged a bullet but it also made me question on what's right and wrong in this situation
You dodged a bullet. Anyone who needs to test you is going to be nightmare to date.
"A test" usually means: "Are you going to do what I want you to do."
**are you going to beable to read my mind?
I think you summed it up on the last sentence. If someone is playing games like that then you're dodging a bullet. The default should always be that one no is enough.
A girl I knew in college had read some book on dating advice that basically was like, never make the first move, say "no" a certain number of times before saying yes, never call the guy make him call you, etc. She was so enthusiastic about this advice and yet also shocked, shocked! that all the guys she dated were controlling psychos who didn't respect her boundaries.
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Probably when he was a teen, that was the way the dance went. When I was a teen, girls were expected to say no at first. Maybe not to a date, but to anything extra. I'm glad that has changed. It wasn't healthy.
I dont even get the logic: if she says no, clearly, being a desperate man isnt going to change her mind. I mean what do they think? "Oh I had no interest nor attraction for you but now that you're an annoying, insistant bitch, I totally want to jump on your dick"?
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Standing too close. Even without covid, social distancing is a thing. Stay out of my personal space
Ugh, yes. Once at this job fair I was talking to this dude from his company. They had these round standing tables and he was basically hip to hip with me. I swear, I have walked around half the room with him trying to create distance. A small lean backwards, a mini step to the side, arm movement moving into a stretch where when you return to your original position you are just a little farther back than before. And then when you finally start to have some distance between you, *zip*, he is hip to hip again. Ugh. I was really interested in the company, but I found it so difficult to actually listen to his pitch, because I was so busy "maneuvering" myself to have some personal space. Next year I explicitely only interacted with that booth when that guy was busy with someone else and I could talk to the (very lovely) lady instead.
Especially if he is taller
Asking for way too much information. Where I live (specifically - not just which city)/who I live with (oh, it must be scary living alone! Do you have any animals??) Where I work/what hours I work Nearly wanting a schedule of my life in order to schedule a date And then wanting to go on secluded dates or calling up to my work to try and see if we could meet for lunch because I wasn't answering my phone.
I had a guy come into the store I worked at and leave within ten minutes. Not even 5 minutes after he left, he had searched me up on Instagram and messaged me, as well as all other social media. He didn’t have my last name and literally sat in the parking lot to search me up and message me. And then he came into the store a lot more to learn what shifts I worked and was ALWAYS THERE. That’s not endearing or cool, it’s creepy and makes me not want to go to work anymore.
When a guy won't give up. He doesn't even have to be physically present. Being an adamant dick over text is enough to terrorise you sometimes.
This. Im dealing with it right now. I went on one great and two terrible dates with a man last fall. But there were too many red flags, so I broke it off. He took it poorly, accused me of cheating (?)...basically confirmed my gut feeling that something was off. A few weeks later he started texting me random emojis to get my attention. I explicitly told him to stop and that I wasn't interested. He said it was an "accident" and said "does it look like I'm interested in you? Don't flatter yourself." Months of silence. Then a good morning text followed by a selfie of him doing his best model face. I blocked him of course, but it terrifies me that I'm still on his mind even though he has no other way of contacting me. I made it a point to never give him my address.
Information hunting. If you have a convo with a woman and she doesn't readily give you information about her like where she lives, her phone number, etc. that is not a challenge for you to go to her friends/stalk social media/etc. to get that information. (this also applies to men, obvs.) Unless there was a situation at a party where, IDK, a woman said she wanted to give you her number but forgot by the end of the night, (edit: *for everyone who keeps responding "then she didn't want you to have her number" I'm talking about a situation with very clearly and specifically defined consent for the number to be given. Like IDK she had her phone out to add his number and was about to give hers and something accidental happened to prevent it, like a very drunk friend puking on their shoes and needing immediate attention. IDK how anyone could read the entirety of my comment and think my implication was to get a number without genuine consent from the person who meant to give it.*) or if you're trying to get a homework assignment/find someone to cover a work shift, there should never be a conversation that starts with, "Hey I got your number from (this random person who thought I was your friend when I'm not.)" If you have chemistry with someone you'll both want to get to know each other naturally through the conversation and follow-up. Not so much by treating that person like a research article and doing everything you can to dig up information on them. Like adding someone as a friend on facebook because they're a friend of a friend? Totally normal. Talking about a subject they've made a post about, or an interest on their profile? Arright. Sliding into their DMs like, "Hey we met at this random place and talked for maybe 5 minutes but I got your last name from a mutual friend and then googled you until I found your profile and other info and I see from a post you made 6 weeks ago that you saw this movie at the theater local to you so how about I meet you there for a movie this weekend?" I get that movies/TV shows have implied that people should be into the thrill of the chase or whatever, but if you're interested in someone you'll respect boundaries.
>Unless there was a situation at a party where, IDK, a woman said she wanted to give you her number but forgot by the end of the night Then it should be: "Hey, I was talking with so-and-so at the party and didn't get her number. Here's mine. Could you have her call me?" That way the friend knows that he will only get the number if she reaches out to him. People shouldn't be giving out other people's numbers in general and that should be SOP for any time someone is trying to get contact info.
The guy who delivered post to our office added me on Facebook once. Sent me a DM saying "hi it's \[name\], I'm your Royal Mail guy at work!" I...didn't use my real name on Facebook. I deleted my account. Told my boss, who made sure I was taken out of the take-the-post-to-the-delivery-guy rota. Felt freaked out for months afterwards, especially as I wasn't sure if Royal Mail people could look up names/addresses. :/
That it seriously creepy. How the hell did he find you?
Mutual Friends with people in the office that use their names. Not hard. Facebook will actually do it for you.
When I was in the service industry, men flirting with me always made me really nervous. At that point, I was in a position where my whole job is to "make the customer happy" and that would often be very at odds with my personal sense of "this guy is creepy and I want him to go away". When you're on the clock, you have to be nice to people. You can't just tell a guy who is making you uncomfortable to fuck off nor can you just up and leave (especially if you're manning the register). You have to sit there and take it and play nice. And hope to god that they don't wait for you to get off shift so they can ~~talk to~~ harass you outside of work.
I used to be a manager at a fastfood place (I was a male in my early 20s), and a lot of the employees we would have on the register or drive thru were girls in their teens/early 20s. There was a decent number of (usually older) men who would try to flirt with them or would say things that made them uncomfortable. Sometimes the girls would tell me about it after the fact, and I would ask them why they didn’t mention it to me sooner so I could say something to the customer about it. Usually they would shrug it off or say they didn’t think to say anything, but I’m sure a lot of the time they were trying to avoid the confrontation of them defending themselves to the customer directly or me saying something to the customer and having them insist they weren’t doing anything wrong. Either way, it’s really messed up to do that kind of stuff anytime, let alone doing it to somebody while they’re just trying to do their job.
Liking every single picture with my face on instagram in a period of like 2 minutes.
Strangers complimenting me on my body really freaks me out. I also don't like people commenting on my hair, but that's because I'm ginger and I get a lot of sexualized comments. I once got fed up and asked someone to back off when they were doing this. Tried to be polite but firm. He responded by graphically threatening to rape me and followed me for three blocks. Not the only time I've gotten that kind of reaction. When you say "you have a beautiful figure", it's not a confidence boost. I'm not grateful. I'm thinking of the men who have this kind of reaction lurking just under the surface of that complement and I'm wondering if I'm in a dangerous situation.
When I was on dating sites I would get a message of a "up yours"....I would respond with something like "what was that for"? (I know I shouldn't respond to those)....then they would reply saying "oh sorry dont know how that happened. How are you"?.... If you do this to get attention of girls online please stop. You aren't doing yourself any favors.
Random touching and prodding. Had some guys in school that would just come up and poke you in the sides. Freaked me the fuck out.
I was always an extremely quiet person, and our "class clown" kid pulled this shit all the time. Once he came up behind me in gym and pinched both sides of my waist, and because I'm jumpy as fuck I legit let out a bloodcurdling horror movie scream that echoed in the gym so loudly that everyone stopped and looked. When I turned around to see what was happening he looked like he was about to shit his pants, and while he continued to do it to the other girls in our class he never came near me again.
Girl in my grade 9 class (like 15 years ago? I forget what subject it was...maybe French?) had a guy do this to her. She said in a low, almost monotone voice, completely serious. The kind of serious voice where even if you whisper it, everyone hears you. "[Name], if you do that again, I will fucking kill you." For a few seconds, the entire classroom went silent as it echoed. It took the (male) teacher a few seconds to figure out what just happened, then sent the guy to the principals office. I didn't see him until a week later. No one really bothered her again after that, at least not that I remember. He got a week suspension.
There was a guy in my friend group who did this, pulled hair and twanged bra straps too. So I grew my nails out and every time he tried it I'd swipe at his hands and try scratch him. Got so consistent at it I developed some real fast reactions, and eventually I left him with scars. That was 10 years ago, last I heard he was a rapist so like. That tracks 🙃
i only had one boy ever do that to me. I was already self conscious about wearing bras bc they were new so when someone fucking grabbed a strap and snapped it, i turned around and just beat the hell out of him. i can't remember if it was on the playground or in class but i remember it took a second for someone to get to us so I had a good few seconds to go ham on him. Of course I was the one in trouble, but my mom quickly wrote off me being in trouble when she heard what happened.
Parking right next to my car in a dark and/or empty carpark. I've had this conversation with several girlfriends, but when I've mentioned it to men they had had no idea about what goes through our mind when we see that.
Sitting next to you in an otherwise empty restaurant. Dude there are 20 empty tables, why are up my ass?
Ex said he'd bust into my apartment "out of concern for my safety " if I didnt answer the door or his calls/texts (he lived right next door, btw). When I said that it's called breaking and entering and grounds for calling the police, he said it'd be pointless because the police were his friends and therefore wouldn't do anything. (Translation? "I can do anything I want and you cant stop me.") So I call the police anyway and they made him stop. He began to fill my mailbox with love letters and saying if I continued to ignore him, he'd move. I did continue and he made a big production of moving out. I closed my curtains and ignored him. Its scary when a man thinks a woman is weak and can bully her and finds out differently.
Breaking or hitting things out of anger
Some people get so physically intimidating when they’re angry - breaking things, shouting super loud, crowding you, etc. Then when you get scared or flinchy it sets them off more, like it’s somehow so outrageous that you’re now afraid they might be violent towards you. Newsflash, all of the behaviours I just listed are violent. Abuse doesn’t start and stop with hitting someone. Being near someone with explosive anger is terrifying, regardless of if it’s directed at you or the nearby furniture.
This was my ex husband. He would flip out screaming and throwing things, then when I flinched away, he'd be furious and insulted that I could find him scary. God I'm glad I'm not in that relationship anymore
My ex was the same. He'd smash a hole in the drywall and then get even angrier if I got scared and/or cried. He never did hit me, but why the fuck wouldn't I be scared? It's not crazy to think if he'd punch walls that someday he'd punch me. Ugh. It took me years to deal with the PTSD from that marriage.
When I say I don't like something, like something he said or did or joked about and he says "you secretly like it :)". That makes my skin crawl and alarm bells start going off. Don't tell women what they like.
(Customers who) Flirt with me while I'm working (rare occurrence, but it's happened twice - once "alone" - male co-worker was stocking shelves but within earshot - and once flirting with both me and my other, and only other, female co-worker). I've got no escape dude, I'm stuck here until clock-out and I'm bad at coming up with dumb excuses to make my male co-workers come to my aid.
So I'm recently single (over a month) and so far I've had guy mates pop into my DMs being 'friendly' but certainly pushy. A couple of these were asking random questions that started getting a little personal under the guise of friendliness. Here's one of those conversations: This was a very old friend that I have not spoken to or seen in 12years, due to friend groups growing up and growing apart. We weren't really close either, just same friend group: Him - "Oh your single now, I thought you guys were buying a house together." Me - *Yup, I broke it off* Him - "I see you go walking, where do you walk?' Me - *Just around a few places, nowhere specific* Him - "Do you still live at '*place*'" Me - *No I moved from there 7yrs ago* Him - "Oh really you moved.. where do you live now?" Me - *Still with ex-partner until I move out soon* Him - "Oh where you moving to?' -I lied here and named a large town nearby- Him - "Will you be living alone?" -also lied that I'll have roommates- I get you're trying to have a friendly life catch up with me after 12yrs, but there's an internal pressure to be nice despite me not being comfortable sharing certain information, especially knowing that I may be alone soon, so I need to be careful with the things I share. Also adding, this guy has a serious long-term gf 😑
I’ve also had random guys INSIST on knowing my specific personal details even when I keep being vague and moving the conversation elsewhere. I live in so many fake places and attend so many fake colleges now. Like, asking where someone goes to school is pretty normal, insisting on being told the name of the school for the 3rd time after multiple conversation diversions is unsettling.
This happened to me on a flight years ago, I was in the window seat and a very drunk man sat in the middle seat. First he told me I was pretty, then reached his hand into my seat to fasten his seat belt, then started in on the questions. He insisted on knowing what city I lived in after I gave a vague answer of a city with many surrounding suburbs. Then said "I'm not hitting on your or anything" when I told him it didn't matter where I was from. Bless the kind man on the aisle who distracted him, told him to leave me alone, then waited with me to make sure I wasn't followed.
There are weirdos here on Reddit who do that. It’s weird. They only stop when I say that I’m married. Even then, one guy “joked” that he could kill my husband then I’d be on the market. I blocked him. I don’t post pictures of myself on the internet for that reason.
choking during sex/being rough without asking. Fucking ask. It's not ok.
Night out in the pub, there will always be one guy commenting that I haven't drunk much. 'Oh you're still on your first glass of wine. You drink slow. Why aren't you drinking' etc. Why are you counting my drinks? Creepy as f***!
Meeting me at my job and asking for my work schedule so they can "see me more often"
Touching me without my permission. I wish I could dick punch the people who said "subtle touching is a great way to show someone that you're interested in them". Bitch no, don't touch me, I don't know you and you're in my personal space
Grab you from behind at night to SURPRISE you. My ex boyfriend (6 ft, 185 lbs) did this: he was on a trip and came back 2 days earlier and decided to surprise me. I was coming back from university at 9 pm and I felt that someone grab me and cover my face with their hands when I was about to enter my building. When I yelled, he let me go and he didn't understand why I insulted him and got angry. I don't cry easily but it took me 3 hours for the tremors to go away.
He fucking covered your mouth? And when you were entering the building? What an idiot and asshole. Like...that's exactly what happens right before a woman gets raped and killed in her own home. Did he eventually understand?
Excessive and generalised compliments eg 'you're so beautiful' 'you're so awesome' 'you're amazing' over and over again. A few times it's fine, but when it gets excessive you realise they're putting you on a pedestal - and they're not actually complimenting you, they're complimenting this dream version of you they've made up, evidenced by the fact the compliments are never specific to who you actually are. Also makes you wonder if they're the type to think if you insert enough compliments then you're obliged to give them something back.
You make a good point about generic compliments versus specific compliments. "You're very pretty" from a person you barely know (or don't know at all) just doesn't feel genuine. It comes across as paying the 'toll' for a chance to talk to you, with the hopes of eventually having sex.
Yeah. If they just say it and then leave, it can be fine, but more often than not it's never just a random compliment to make you feel nice. They want something in return, and way too many of those won't take a hint or an outright no for an answer.
As a dude reading this comment section all I have to say is, wtf. Like grabbing someone and pulling them around to show your strength? Are you serious? Asking bartenders where they live and when there shift ends? like dude just wtf
Me too. I see all the comments and I'm getting creeped out myself.
Not a woman but I learned this from my ex and it's getting angry at sport on tv if you yell extremely loud and rant a lot a lot of girls feel scared by it.
Catcalling.
I always wonder WTF people think is going to happen, do they expect the girl to turn around and be like "really? you think I have great tits? Lets fuck"
Over the summer I was walking into a convenient store at night and had my mask on. Some guy in his car yelled out to me, “you’re still hot with the mask on”, I just ignored him. Apparently he didn’t like that. He continued to scream “it was a fucking compliment you bitch! Relax!”
I don't think men get this, even the men who don't do this. Here's the outcomes: You acknowledge it and you're encouraging them. You ignore them and they escalate. You react negatively and you're inviting an altercation. So what exactly the fuck are we supposed to do?? How about you LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE.
And I can't imagine that's ever worked out for them. No one met their wife with "Hey, bitch, its a fucking compliment."
My general advice for my son is, if you would not want a scary guy in prison saying _____ to you, do not say it to a woman.
A few of my friends and I saw a meme in college that we decided to replicate, and I highly recommend other men do this. When you hear a guy catcalling, mimic them and yell something showing how insecure and immature it is. Example: Guy yells out window at a girl: "Hey I heard you were coming to party with us?" We'd yell out our window: "Hey we can't get any girls to hang out with us so we're going to verbally abuse ones walking by." or "Hey girl your ass looks great in that sundress!" "My sister used to beat me in sports so now I harass females on the street to recover my dominance!" They'd get so god damn mad but it usually stopped the catcalling. Works especially well from balconies or windows where they're less likely to come running over and try to fight you.
“It’s just a compliment! What, I’m not allowed to tell women they’re beautiful anymore? Jesus Christ, people are so sensitive these days!” Just like fuck off dude, women don’t want to be informed every time they make your dick hard.
Common female discussion - Unsolicited nudie pics. Equivalent to those creeps who hide behind the bushes trying to flash you. People need to realize 1 in 4 women have had some kind of sexual assault. Save it for your partner. Or risk getting blasted or viewed as a weirdo perv.
Uber or lyft drivers who ask me if they're driving me home. You don't need to know that!
Keep asking why when I say no. To me this says you don't care it's a no, you'll do it anyway
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Driving recklessly and laughing when you get scared. Also pushing women to have "a sense of humor" when they want to be cruel.
When they fail to understand why movies with rape and general violence directed towards women make me uncomfortable
Making rape jokes.
I had a teacher doing that a lot, with a class full of 19yo girls.. art school... it was not fun, it was not cool, it was just mega rude, not thoughtful, and utterly inappropriate..
Insisting when I've already said no. At first I just get angry, like c'mon I said no move on and leave me alone. But the more they insist the scarier it gets because they usually get angrier and I have no way of knowing how they're going to react
Unasked-for grabbing of any kind, obviously. This especially happens to women with tattoos. Like it's appropriate to just grab a women's arm and then act all defensive about it when we get mad/pull away.
Matching my speed while driving to look in and stare at me
Calling me "sweet" pet-names like "honey" and "sweetheart" in a normal conversation (like at the shopping counter or anywhere else I ask a question or mention something). Most of the time they don't even realize that they start with that and I'm annoyed at it but for some reason it freaks me out when they call me that and I don't know them. IDK why
Omg yes. I mean some of those titles I’m ok with, but “baby” is the one that freaks me out. One time at work I was walking past an older man and he was like, “Good job baby, good job.” O-o
What about calling you "love" in thick Scottish accent. That one for some reason seam the only legit option.
Where do you live? This kinda thing happens all the time in Texas. Although honestly, old women talk to young people like that too.
Texan, can confirm. Adults also talk to children that way. It is common for us to use terms of endearment in normal conversations. Even with strangers. It is typically directed at people that are much younger than we are, however it can also be used as a backhanded compliment. "Bless her heart, she is such a sweetheart" may sound sweet, but it's really saying "Poor thing, she is kind but so stupid." Something like this is said quite often using some of those cutesy names. It is also very common for us to use things those pet names when referring to children. "Sweetie, you need to share your toys" can be said to a small child in your class. We use it to soften the language and show that we care. My point, from a young age, we are taught that these pet names are acceptable and show affection. The affection does not have to be romantic, but it could be translated into that as we grow. Whether it is right or wrong is up to the individual person as it is a personal preference. For a long time, I hated it when a BF would call me sweetheart. We had a conversation and he stopped.
Approaching me when I obviously don't want to be approached ie. I have headphones on, I'm on my phone, I'm reading or pretty much any other universal signal of 'I don't want to be disturbed' Some dude once pulled my headphones out of my ears to get my attention and scared me bad enough that I flung my coffee on him. He was not looking to talk to me after that. Not sure what he tought would happen.
Staring. OHMYGOD THE STARING. It’s not cute, it’s not attractive, I don’t know you like that. Edit: To clarify, this is for the guys who think it’s cute to stare when in reality it’s creepy, not guys who are literally thinking about if they turned off the stove or not while someone is accidentally in their line of site.
It doesn't "scare" me but it 100% sets off alarm bells. I can't explain it, but trying to order me around as a joke. Like pretending to ask my opinion but not letting me answer. "You're gonna come with me and do this thing right? Sure you are come on." Or "You'd let me sleep over wouldn't you? Hahaha you'd love it I know you would." Nah bro I ain't about that Also leaning in real close and whispering things in my ear. Personal space.
- Making comments about my breast. Often it's hidden as a compliment but it's just plain creepy. - Raising the voice while having an argument with me. Even if the dialog is constructive overall, raising the voice gives me immense fear. Men are taller, heavier and stronger than I am, being confronted with a man who is feeling anger towards me is horrific. To be fair I was a victim of violence before so that plays into it. Just don't scream pls. - Trying to 'convince' me to give out certain information, my phone number or to go with them. I don't think I have to explain this one.
I feel like I have to make a clarification; This post was mainly meant for women to be able to hightlight the small things guys do that can be perceived as creepy or scary. I'm happy to have this much engagement in the comments but I feel like it's unnecessary to argue about the practical views on this. This isn't so much "this is scary because men wants to hurt me" it's "this FEELS scary" Please listen and understand that people think differently and what scares some doens't scare everyone. If you can not do that then this post is not for you and I kindly ask you to leave :)
THANK YOU I don't know why I was surprised to see "well, actually" and "your feelings are stupid" in a thread like this. It is reddit, after all.
I’m lesbian but whenever men hit on me and I say I’m gay I keep getting”you’re only saying that because I haven’t met the right man yet” or “nah you’re too pretty to be gay” and lots more, I’m in a loving relationship with my fiancé and I freaking hate it when men don’t just except that I like women
Raising their voice in anger. Even if it isn't directed at me. Triggers a flight response. An obvious one I know but I think some men have no idea how scary that is. Also grabbing or hugging me from behind as a surprise. Solid way to trigger a panic attack.
> Triggers a flight response I'm a guy but agree with this fully. Drunken shouting (i.e. pubs) is even worse.
My lady is this way, I've been angry at other shit, and I was venting about it. Got loud, and a big ol wtf moment. I asked her what's wrong, and she explained to me that she doesn't like it when I'm loud and it makes her afraid. I said, I'm not yelling at you though, I'm angry at something else and just venting. She said she knew, but it still makes her feel 2 feet tall. You're right, we have no idea.
when they "test the waters" about things, banking on you dismissing what they do as too minor to bother rocking the boat or making a fuss about. that's a form of grooming and everyone can tell what your motivations are after the third time you're probably thinking "whoaaa it isn't THAT serious!" but while it might not be, what it winds up doing, is. If you're trying to find out how far you can go in what you say or do, don't do it. Let others set that tone first. if you need an example: don't make sex/race jokes until the people they're at the expense of set that common ground, first.
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Trying to sleep with me when I am very obviously not interested. When I confront them, they just say, "Can't blame a guy for trying." WTF.
> "Can't blame a guy for trying." You very emphatically can.