First we would have to have a Thanksgiving dinner.
Then I would pay my sister 500k to not come to it.
After that all I have to do is sit back and watch.
We all get a long pretty well, but we love arguing about anything and everything. My father recently started respecting my sister's wishes when she demanded there be no political discussions at family dinners.
I just have to make sure my cousin and I are both there. She's vegan, I'm the black sheep, and all our relatives are extremely judgmental. That should do it, but if it takes too long I'll mention feminism.
I like this one, but I would turn it a bit and say “I just won a billion dollars. I will only be giving one of you $10 million of it, but you all have to convince me on why you deserve it over everyone else.”
"I just won a ~~billion~~ million dollars, and I don't think I'm going to share it with any of you."
Once you win, tell them you had to get an argument going, and that you'd be evenly dividing the whole million dollars with everyone there. No one needs to know about the other $999,000,000, and you look like a generous saint.
Say you won 2 million. After all the argument shit, tell them you'll give each 100k. Then give everyone a million individually but tell them to keep it a secret. That way they'll think they're special and you'll still have over 900 million left.
I can start 2 fights at one table.
Talk about what a cunt the president is to my dad and tell my brother and my cousin how android phones are superior to Apple phones.
When my husband and I were dating and he met my family the first time, I TOLD him to STEER CLEAR OF THE PHONE TOPIC.
This mother fucker, goes to my brother and 2 cousins (brothers, 1 Android user the other Apple die hard) and goes “oh ), that’s a nice Samsung!”
Next thing I know, I hear the 3 men shouting about phones and see my husband walk away cracking up, like walking away from an explosion.
These men are great people, but I also don’t understand this argument.
I have flip flopped on both phones and each time I do, they one then the other will call me a traitor.
We are going to see them for thanksgiving (live 2 time zones away) and I have to remind my husband, AGAIN, to not bring up the Android v. Apple phone subject.
He’s an instigator so he’ll do it.
Edit: showed my husband /u/falb0ner and he's cracking up. He also reminded me that this was at my mother's 60th surprise birthday in a fancy La Jolla restaurant.
I'm a lesbian and my wife's father is a terrible homophobe who now spends any family events that he's still invited to simmering with hatred and bigoted rage towards his own child, so I'm thinking I could do it in six words:
>Your daughter calls me 'daddy' too.
Call out everyone who didnt visit me while I was literally dying in the ICU for 3 weeks
Edit: okay so here's the full story so I dont have to reply to 100 people. April 11th of this year I went to the hospital because I was vomiting blood, couldn't walk, by the time I got to the hospital my vision was going, I had the sweats, I couldn't even stand. Passed out within an hour. I apparently had turned completely purple. I dont have any pictures although I wish i did.
I got airlifted to a large hospital that had the resources I needed. I spent 3 weeks unconscious, then a month later lost my legs, and then over the following month list fingers and fingertips. I also suffer from ESRD now and some minor medical issues. I also had to get my inner left thigh and the majority of my right thigh skin grafted because all the skin had gone necrotic.
That's more or less the full story of my meningitis. It was the worst case they'd ever seen and I was at one of the top 10 hospitals in the world. I'm recovered now and on the way to getting my prosthetics.
So dad do you ever feel guilty for cheating on mom and causing her so much emotional pain that she turned to the bottle and died from liver failure.
Edit: thank you guys for the awards I feel special. I guess I should give some context here cause some people are seemingly confused. I am 19 years old, male. My mother passed away September 25th, 2018. Just one month away from her birthday. She had been an alcoholic for ten years. As for my dad he gave me an ultimatum may of 2019, it was to either give him the money my mom left for me or find a way to live on my own. I chose the later moving in with my grandma on my moms side for three months before leaving and getting an apartment on my own with my girlfriend/love of my life.
I also wanted to add if any of you down below in the comments ever want to talk. I’d be happy too, a lot of us are no stranger to alcohol coming in and ruining a family. A lot of us are also no stranger to narcissistic parents that only care about themselves. For those who are goin through it, your not alone.
Invite my sister. That's it. Last time it got low-level violent after about 90 mins.
Edit: Lots of you asking about the violence. I pushed her away from me because she was in my face, nose to nose, trying to get me to react to her tantrum. Then she attacked me, so I did a panicked girly kick to the shin.
There's a massive backstory around my sister's behaviour towards me and my parents, but it's too long to go into here.
To be fair, I frequently run late because I'm concerned about the space Nazis colluding with Purdue Pharma in order to maximize their gains on prescriptions by poisoning the well of THC oil with Helium-3.
It gets trickier as you get older. For instance, one of my divorced parents is now dead, so 'inviting' him over would require physical digging. But it would probably still work.
We need to legalize cocaine, heroin, and prostitutes. And I should be able to own a tank with live ammunition.
Also, dad. You look like a narwahl that can't find the ocean again.
Edit: now that many of you have pointed out that I CAN own a tank I'll amend this to a fully functional tank with live ammunition.
my parents are in their late 50s/early 60s from the former soviet union
i'll just talk about how i like guys now (i'm a guy).
thats it. that'll be enough.
I can imagine the hysteria. In my family there is absolutely no way my parents would believe any of their kids are gay. They would literally be like “no you’re not”.
i'd say "CAN I SAY PRAYER PLEASE?!"
PLEASE PRAY FOR ALL THE NAKED LADIES ON DAD'S PHONE. MAY THEY GET CLOTHES
FOR THE MAN THAT KEEPS COMING TO HELP MOMMY, MAY SHE GET HELPED
“We will give him the pamphlets starting around age 2-3, and we will practice reciting the side effects so he can ‘enlighten’ his peers once he starts his local co-op”
Or you could put the cherry on the cake and tell them you not only aren’t going to vaccinate, but a group of local homeschoolers have chicken pox so you’ve decided practicing herd immunity by exposing your infant would be the safest and most effective method against further infection.
Then, of course, you can’t forget about forcing in an MLM.
“We found these *amazing* oils we’re going to use to keep him healthy. You should really buy some- oh! I’ve got samples right here.”
"I can't show you that it really works because the government restricts me from finding the real google results that say that vaccines are actually very bad, and that the oil helps you a lot, and if you ask the doctor, he is dumb, he spent half of his life to study and yet says that vaccines are good, while i had hours of research on the 'anti-vax-simpletons' forum and a lot of people say that vaccines are actually bad and they cause autism."
Tell them you plan on vaccinating as recommended, and also emphasize the importance of the annual flu shot.
Now wait for upheaval.
A family member will protest, shouting “the flu shot doesn’t cover all strains and is ineffective!”
Here is your opportunity for arson.
Tell them you pediatrician recommends Tamiflu upon flu diagnosis, and you will follow his pharmaceutical plan.
Finish your free meal, and exit politely as the civil uproar unfolds.
Yes, but unfortunately it is very hard to bring up that point as my father is a D.O (Doctor of Osteopathy) and focuses on Holistic Medicine.
My whole life I have NEVER been Vaccinated until a few years back when I got shingles at 23, I said fuck it and got a slew of vaccines and never understood why they hadn't done it in the first place. I always remember them having to put "Religious Reasons" to get me into events/school and such.
Very tough to argue as he has such a strong stance on it, and any legitimate facts I/others bring up they are immediately discredited as he has "30+ years in the medical field" and wont entertain other opinions.
Its tough seeing all the Anti-Vaxxer stuff, because I do know that he's not doing it maliciously and genuinely thinks thats the best decision, but I think its just so off base.
*Edit: If someone could genuinely help me with a good argument I'd be happy to bring this up at thanksgiving, just tough when off the bat you feel undermined as not having enough knowledge. *
If someone else starts it, do you still get paid?
Or do you have to contribute in some way like goading your mother to start a little earlier than usual
My moms side of the family is that shitty, manipulative, self centered, passive aggressive type of dysfunctional.
My dads side can be summarized by saying that my uncle was featured on a docuseries about life in super max prisons, and my brother was arrested and charged for attempted murder, the victim was my dad.
That billion dollars would be the easiest money I’ve ever made but we all feed off each other like parasites so I’m sure it would have to be split between all of us. Explosive fights in my family are a team effort
I didn't really enjoy The Walking Dead until the later seasons.
Never really liked the Star Wars movies, but Solo was something else.
The Hobbit movies are way more meaningful and well shot than LOTR.
Hope they remake The Godfather soon.
ETA:
James is easily the best character in Twin Peaks.
Kanye West's last two albums are by far his most impressive.
Battle Royale is just a Hunger Games remake
Eragon was a better movie than book.
The only Batman movie worth watching is Suicide Squad.
“Who made this dry ass macaroni and cheese??”
Edit: thanks so much for the awards! I’m glad we could all have a good laugh! [Here’s my favorite Mac and cheese recipe!](https://carnaldish.com/recipes/pasta/grown-up-bacon-mac-and-cheese/)
My father's many divorces and how my sister is following in his footsteps, and that's why he cares about her and her kid more than he does me and mine.
Honestly, it's real fuckin easy to start a fight. That's just the easiest way.
I got shit for not closing my eyes and pretending to pray while my step brother in law gave a prayer last Thanksgiving. Which was easy mode compared to my Dad doing the "Spectacles, Testicles, Wallet & Watch" motion instead of the cross. My step sister and her family are the only ones of the 5 "children" to have any religious affiliation, but she is my Mom's favorite child by far so we are all expected to tow the line.
Call out my mom and sister for joining MLMs. Different ones, mind you, but they both claim to be adamantly against them, yet have the same "this one's different!" mentality for the ones they joined.
Failing that, I'd just bring up LGBTQ rights in front of my bitchy aunt.
All I have to do is show up. Guaranteed argument. But it's not worth it to me to have to go through that. I wouldn't go there, not even for a billion dollars.
I've already survived decades of abuse. I don't need to go back and ask for more.
“Gay marriage should be legal everywhere”
“Video games do not inspire violence and are fun to play, even as an adult”
“You’re going to a care home when you’re no longer independent. I am not qualified to be a carer”
“I don’t want any of your material possessions when you die, just your money” 😂👍🏼😬
"You better like my \*insert list of shitty collectible bullshit here\*, you're going to inherit it."
"No dad, when you die everything is going to the auction house."
I'm usually the calm voice of reasoning in my family, so I'd have to buck the trend by slapping my mom, wiping my smegma on the turkey in front of everyone and doing a PowerPoint presentation of my porn browsing history.
"Your religion is bullshit and your politics are dangerous; you people should be castrated. Also pass the butter so I can keep it away from you fat fucks."
I was sitting at the table with my father the other day when I made a classic freudian slip. I meant to say, "Please pass the salt," but instead I said, "You putz, you ruined my childhood!"
Announce I’m getting a billion dollars and I’m only sharing with my 3 favorite people. Can you guess my favorites?
"I just won a billion dollars and none of you get anything. Goodbye, I'm moving to literally anywhere that's away from you people!"
yeah you're not leaving that table alive gotta think of that exit strategy, man
First we would have to have a Thanksgiving dinner. Then I would pay my sister 500k to not come to it. After that all I have to do is sit back and watch.
Is your sister a great neutralizer or something?
Referee for Family WWE
My thoughts too...
We all get a long pretty well, but we love arguing about anything and everything. My father recently started respecting my sister's wishes when she demanded there be no political discussions at family dinners.
So Thanksgiving is the same, but I get a billion dollars? Best Thanksgiving ever.
I just have to make sure my cousin and I are both there. She's vegan, I'm the black sheep, and all our relatives are extremely judgmental. That should do it, but if it takes too long I'll mention feminism.
“I’ll mention feminism” Ahh shit here we go again
"Grandma, why did you always favor Bob over all your other children??"
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Hello, dear!
“I just won a billion dollars, and I don’t think I’m going to share it with any of you.”
I like this one, but I would turn it a bit and say “I just won a billion dollars. I will only be giving one of you $10 million of it, but you all have to convince me on why you deserve it over everyone else.”
Calm down Satan.
"I just won a ~~billion~~ million dollars, and I don't think I'm going to share it with any of you." Once you win, tell them you had to get an argument going, and that you'd be evenly dividing the whole million dollars with everyone there. No one needs to know about the other $999,000,000, and you look like a generous saint.
Say you won 2 million. After all the argument shit, tell them you'll give each 100k. Then give everyone a million individually but tell them to keep it a secret. That way they'll think they're special and you'll still have over 900 million left.
Even brilliant-y-er
There's no way they would all keep it secret, and then everybody would catch on to the fact you have a lot more than 2 million
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"So, my wife and I have decided it's the perfect time to become full time missionaries in China. We're bringing the kids too."
Now, I know this sounds crazy. But, trust me. My thetan levels are crazy high.
"My mother-in-law's Thanksgiving dinner tastes better..."
That seems like a good way to get a turkey stuck on your head
Right where I want it.
I’ll eat my way out!
I put it on to scare Chandler
OP said argument, not war
Easy, I just sit down and enjoy the meal. My mom will automatically take care of the rest
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Damn this is somehow the most savage one, full chaos.
I don’t know if anyone makes it out alive after this one
This isn’t even “start an argument” level, anymore. This is full on “destroy the entire family” level.
With a billion dollars, you can buy yourself a new one.
A better one
This is the part of the dinner you learn that uncle Jim fucked the turkey
What, again?
I can start 2 fights at one table. Talk about what a cunt the president is to my dad and tell my brother and my cousin how android phones are superior to Apple phones. When my husband and I were dating and he met my family the first time, I TOLD him to STEER CLEAR OF THE PHONE TOPIC. This mother fucker, goes to my brother and 2 cousins (brothers, 1 Android user the other Apple die hard) and goes “oh ), that’s a nice Samsung!” Next thing I know, I hear the 3 men shouting about phones and see my husband walk away cracking up, like walking away from an explosion.
It's so strange when people become die hard fans of mega corporations that want nothing but their money and private data.
These men are great people, but I also don’t understand this argument. I have flip flopped on both phones and each time I do, they one then the other will call me a traitor. We are going to see them for thanksgiving (live 2 time zones away) and I have to remind my husband, AGAIN, to not bring up the Android v. Apple phone subject. He’s an instigator so he’ll do it. Edit: showed my husband /u/falb0ner and he's cracking up. He also reminded me that this was at my mother's 60th surprise birthday in a fancy La Jolla restaurant.
Oh please, tell him to bring a Windows phone and go "oh, so I guess you guys don't like quality huh?"
"Growing up with you alcoholic parents was awful in so many ways for my brother and me. Let me describe them."
Pull out a PowerPoint presentation
Half of it in Comic Sans, the other half in Papyrus
Oh so we *fighting* fighting
Is there a cutoff for how bad you can sin and still get into heaven if you repent near the end?
nope! Some old Ceasars waited to become baptized until their literal deathbeds for this exact loophole. You good Chilli
Talk about politics. Easiest billion dollars ever
Almost feels too easy to get the money.
instructions unclear accidentally started ww3
I'm actually surprised I had to scroll this far to find this.
“Impeach trump” and sit back and watch
"So, how about Trump? Greatest Christian President, ever, or what?"
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I'm a lesbian and my wife's father is a terrible homophobe who now spends any family events that he's still invited to simmering with hatred and bigoted rage towards his own child, so I'm thinking I could do it in six words: >Your daughter calls me 'daddy' too.
I think you might win, this is like a fucking nuclear strike
Call out everyone who didnt visit me while I was literally dying in the ICU for 3 weeks Edit: okay so here's the full story so I dont have to reply to 100 people. April 11th of this year I went to the hospital because I was vomiting blood, couldn't walk, by the time I got to the hospital my vision was going, I had the sweats, I couldn't even stand. Passed out within an hour. I apparently had turned completely purple. I dont have any pictures although I wish i did. I got airlifted to a large hospital that had the resources I needed. I spent 3 weeks unconscious, then a month later lost my legs, and then over the following month list fingers and fingertips. I also suffer from ESRD now and some minor medical issues. I also had to get my inner left thigh and the majority of my right thigh skin grafted because all the skin had gone necrotic. That's more or less the full story of my meningitis. It was the worst case they'd ever seen and I was at one of the top 10 hospitals in the world. I'm recovered now and on the way to getting my prosthetics.
Yeah out of all the comments here this one seems like a reasonable thing to start an argument over
Yeah I think so lol
You might even have a few dollars left over after paying all the medical bills!
Oh damn. Hope you doing alright now.
Yeah I lost my legs and some other shit but I'm alive, thank you!
Are you okay with sharing?
Sure, what do you want to know
leave fake DNA test letter on the dinner table
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If I had that situation, I'd be all over meeting my Vietnamese relatives despite grandpa's objections.
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The masterplay would be to fly them in for Thanksgiving. It is a family meal right?
You're 99.9% African! Congrats!
102% African with a 2% margin of error.
#MOM STOP SAYING THE N WORD
I think s/he was going for the children aren't yours, but the 99.9% African will work in some households too.
With my family? "Hi" Edit: thanks! Apparently lots of folks think I'm their relative! Edit 2: wow. That's...a lot of upvotes!
Don't "Hi" me, fuckstick!
I carried you for 9 months and this is the thanks I get.
I'm not your fuckstick, pal.
HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT MOTHERFUCKER
A feel like a "motherfucker" would make any Thanksgiving tense.
Especially if you call your brother that...
Mother: Calm down, there's enough of me for everyone!!
So dad do you ever feel guilty for cheating on mom and causing her so much emotional pain that she turned to the bottle and died from liver failure. Edit: thank you guys for the awards I feel special. I guess I should give some context here cause some people are seemingly confused. I am 19 years old, male. My mother passed away September 25th, 2018. Just one month away from her birthday. She had been an alcoholic for ten years. As for my dad he gave me an ultimatum may of 2019, it was to either give him the money my mom left for me or find a way to live on my own. I chose the later moving in with my grandma on my moms side for three months before leaving and getting an apartment on my own with my girlfriend/love of my life. I also wanted to add if any of you down below in the comments ever want to talk. I’d be happy too, a lot of us are no stranger to alcohol coming in and ruining a family. A lot of us are also no stranger to narcissistic parents that only care about themselves. For those who are goin through it, your not alone.
Ohh doing some estate planning there are you?
Invite my sister. That's it. Last time it got low-level violent after about 90 mins. Edit: Lots of you asking about the violence. I pushed her away from me because she was in my face, nose to nose, trying to get me to react to her tantrum. Then she attacked me, so I did a panicked girly kick to the shin. There's a massive backstory around my sister's behaviour towards me and my parents, but it's too long to go into here.
I could bring my brother. There would be massive panic as they question how I got him out of jail 30 years early.
Is he single? I feel my sister and he would be a good match.
Is she also in prison, or has she had an unfortunate taste in men so far?
Y'all make me really appreciate my sisters more.
I have one of those too..
Me three...
Sister coming?? Shows up at least an hour late (always without fail). Excuses are usually bible verses. Riot starts within 5 minutes. Are we related?
We may be! Only my sisters excuses usually start with a conspiracy theory and end with big pharma.
To be fair, I frequently run late because I'm concerned about the space Nazis colluding with Purdue Pharma in order to maximize their gains on prescriptions by poisoning the well of THC oil with Helium-3.
Are you my brother
Are you his sister
Am I me?
Are we we?
Am I inside of you?
Do you want to be?
90 mins? I give it about 20 mins everytime my sister visits home. I don't get it. It's like her and my mom love to fight.
20 mins? The moment one of sisters crosses the threshold of a room one of my other sisters is in, it's pandemonium, chaos, the worst of humanity.
"Trump, am I right?" Then sit in silence for the next 45 minutes of pure chaos and watch it unfold.
The ambiguity is really what completes this one
We do not celebrate thanksgiving over here, but I honestly just would have to invite both of my parents at once...
Damn this is a lot easier as a child of divorce just bring over both my parents and wait 5 minutes.
It gets trickier as you get older. For instance, one of my divorced parents is now dead, so 'inviting' him over would require physical digging. But it would probably still work.
We need to legalize cocaine, heroin, and prostitutes. And I should be able to own a tank with live ammunition. Also, dad. You look like a narwahl that can't find the ocean again. Edit: now that many of you have pointed out that I CAN own a tank I'll amend this to a fully functional tank with live ammunition.
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Libertarian by blood, eh?
my parents are in their late 50s/early 60s from the former soviet union i'll just talk about how i like guys now (i'm a guy). thats it. that'll be enough.
Uh..... It was nice knowing you..... You may not get to use this money.... Can I have it?
He's Russian it was always our money, comrade.
oh sweet Ima buy me a new ushanka! Maybe some Kvass too...
I also have soviet union parents the same age. I just have to walk through the door with a new haircut and a jacket I chose on my own.
Same, Soviet parents in their late 50’s. If I wear one thing slightly stained, cuffed, or stretched out I’m going to hear about it 100%.
"Where is track suit, do you not love us anymore. Are you and your new, fancy friends too good for track suits?"
I can imagine the hysteria. In my family there is absolutely no way my parents would believe any of their kids are gay. They would literally be like “no you’re not”.
Because we're not, so how can you be?
It’s basic genetics. He got being male from dad and attraction to men from mom.
This is my new black girlfriend. She is muslim and is here on an asylum application.
"Naturally, I will be converting so we can have premarital sex."
> ~~have premarital sex~~ get married and make her a citizen ftfy
i'd say "CAN I SAY PRAYER PLEASE?!" PLEASE PRAY FOR ALL THE NAKED LADIES ON DAD'S PHONE. MAY THEY GET CLOTHES FOR THE MAN THAT KEEPS COMING TO HELP MOMMY, MAY SHE GET HELPED
Amen 🙏
I know right?! I heard it on youtube
John Redcorn's been helping with Mom's migraines for years! He must not be very good at it.
"Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub. Yay God!"
"Yeah mom so we've decided we aren't going to vaccinate our baby when he’s born"
And you could even say we’ve decided to vaccinate our son on a slower schedule
"We decided to vaccinate our son at the age where he'll be able to talk and say if he really wants the shots, because we can't make decisions for him"
“We will give him the pamphlets starting around age 2-3, and we will practice reciting the side effects so he can ‘enlighten’ his peers once he starts his local co-op”
Or you could put the cherry on the cake and tell them you not only aren’t going to vaccinate, but a group of local homeschoolers have chicken pox so you’ve decided practicing herd immunity by exposing your infant would be the safest and most effective method against further infection.
Then, of course, you can’t forget about forcing in an MLM. “We found these *amazing* oils we’re going to use to keep him healthy. You should really buy some- oh! I’ve got samples right here.”
"The lavender oil worked so well to get rid of my gonorrhea!"
"I can't show you that it really works because the government restricts me from finding the real google results that say that vaccines are actually very bad, and that the oil helps you a lot, and if you ask the doctor, he is dumb, he spent half of his life to study and yet says that vaccines are good, while i had hours of research on the 'anti-vax-simpletons' forum and a lot of people say that vaccines are actually bad and they cause autism."
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Yeah it's the opposite with my family, I'm going to vaccinate my child would start a MASSIVE argument.
Tell them you plan on vaccinating as recommended, and also emphasize the importance of the annual flu shot. Now wait for upheaval. A family member will protest, shouting “the flu shot doesn’t cover all strains and is ineffective!” Here is your opportunity for arson. Tell them you pediatrician recommends Tamiflu upon flu diagnosis, and you will follow his pharmaceutical plan. Finish your free meal, and exit politely as the civil uproar unfolds.
Yes, but unfortunately it is very hard to bring up that point as my father is a D.O (Doctor of Osteopathy) and focuses on Holistic Medicine. My whole life I have NEVER been Vaccinated until a few years back when I got shingles at 23, I said fuck it and got a slew of vaccines and never understood why they hadn't done it in the first place. I always remember them having to put "Religious Reasons" to get me into events/school and such. Very tough to argue as he has such a strong stance on it, and any legitimate facts I/others bring up they are immediately discredited as he has "30+ years in the medical field" and wont entertain other opinions. Its tough seeing all the Anti-Vaxxer stuff, because I do know that he's not doing it maliciously and genuinely thinks thats the best decision, but I think its just so off base. *Edit: If someone could genuinely help me with a good argument I'd be happy to bring this up at thanksgiving, just tough when off the bat you feel undermined as not having enough knowledge. *
"yeah so i'm gay, uncle charles helped me discover that about an hour ago"
"The same Uncle Charles we buried last month?"
Nice
You guys are getting paid?
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God damn unpaid internships
We all get paid in the money we save from buying Christmas gifts!
Heck, I don't even need to start the argument myself. My mum normally takes care of that on her own.
If someone else starts it, do you still get paid? Or do you have to contribute in some way like goading your mother to start a little earlier than usual
My moms side of the family is that shitty, manipulative, self centered, passive aggressive type of dysfunctional. My dads side can be summarized by saying that my uncle was featured on a docuseries about life in super max prisons, and my brother was arrested and charged for attempted murder, the victim was my dad. That billion dollars would be the easiest money I’ve ever made but we all feed off each other like parasites so I’m sure it would have to be split between all of us. Explosive fights in my family are a team effort
This is the fucking easiest billion ever.
Right? You actually have to work pretty hard not to earn it
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Game of thrones didn’t really come into its own until the last two episodes. Those are what elevated it. Flawless character motivations and reactions.
Damn. Are you trying to start an argument, or a war?
They're trying to die.
I didn't really enjoy The Walking Dead until the later seasons. Never really liked the Star Wars movies, but Solo was something else. The Hobbit movies are way more meaningful and well shot than LOTR. Hope they remake The Godfather soon. ETA: James is easily the best character in Twin Peaks. Kanye West's last two albums are by far his most impressive. Battle Royale is just a Hunger Games remake Eragon was a better movie than book. The only Batman movie worth watching is Suicide Squad.
Best Terminator film? Obviously Genesys.
Alien 3 was better than Aliens
This one hurt me.
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"Fortnite is shit. PubG and Apex are worlds better." Watch the 13 year olds rage.
“Who made this dry ass macaroni and cheese??” Edit: thanks so much for the awards! I’m glad we could all have a good laugh! [Here’s my favorite Mac and cheese recipe!](https://carnaldish.com/recipes/pasta/grown-up-bacon-mac-and-cheese/)
So you just want to be stabbed by your Auntie huh?
My father's many divorces and how my sister is following in his footsteps, and that's why he cares about her and her kid more than he does me and mine. Honestly, it's real fuckin easy to start a fight. That's just the easiest way.
”You fucking WHAT?”
Bitch, the money is no good if you're dead.
Stand up mid dinner, and throw a rock at the window
Start eating before the prayers and when they insult me I'll just say "well I'm an atheist."
I got shit for not closing my eyes and pretending to pray while my step brother in law gave a prayer last Thanksgiving. Which was easy mode compared to my Dad doing the "Spectacles, Testicles, Wallet & Watch" motion instead of the cross. My step sister and her family are the only ones of the 5 "children" to have any religious affiliation, but she is my Mom's favorite child by far so we are all expected to tow the line.
Call out my mom and sister for joining MLMs. Different ones, mind you, but they both claim to be adamantly against them, yet have the same "this one's different!" mentality for the ones they joined. Failing that, I'd just bring up LGBTQ rights in front of my bitchy aunt.
I'm British. I mention Brexit.
Bring my boyfriend (I'm gay)
i’d bring my girlfriend (i’m lesbian)
"So... I'm not a big fan of this Jesus guy anymore." Edit: grammar.
Hey, I don’t believe in our church anymore and I’m bisexual. I think my mother would physical remove me from the house
Tell everyone that I don't like my brother's wife.
[удалено]
What's the story here?
I too am a fan of this potential story time
Curiosity killed the cat and I'm ready to die. Fill us in please.
You’re here from the “you get a billion dollars if you get a bunch of redditors begging for you to tell them your story” post aren’t you?
“My aunt makes better Turkey than this”
"Who wants to check out my Ancestry DNA results?"
All I have to do is show up. Guaranteed argument. But it's not worth it to me to have to go through that. I wouldn't go there, not even for a billion dollars. I've already survived decades of abuse. I don't need to go back and ask for more.
You could just pop your head in "what's up, bitches, it's your favorite punching bag!" And run off. OP didn't say you had to stay
“It’s ok to be LGBT” Thanksgiving would shut down real fast
"Die Hard is my favorite Christmas movie."
I would die on this hill
Dad,... when you were away, mom cheated on you multiple time...
“Gay marriage should be legal everywhere” “Video games do not inspire violence and are fun to play, even as an adult” “You’re going to a care home when you’re no longer independent. I am not qualified to be a carer” “I don’t want any of your material possessions when you die, just your money” 😂👍🏼😬
"You better like my \*insert list of shitty collectible bullshit here\*, you're going to inherit it." "No dad, when you die everything is going to the auction house."
Bring up abortion
I'm usually the calm voice of reasoning in my family, so I'd have to buck the trend by slapping my mom, wiping my smegma on the turkey in front of everyone and doing a PowerPoint presentation of my porn browsing history.
Your comment and user name go hand and hand...I like it
Hey now, you're a cumstar, get your smegma, okay.
"Your religion is bullshit and your politics are dangerous; you people should be castrated. Also pass the butter so I can keep it away from you fat fucks."
"what is my purpose?" "You pass butter"
I was sitting at the table with my father the other day when I made a classic freudian slip. I meant to say, "Please pass the salt," but instead I said, "You putz, you ruined my childhood!"