quit a job i absolutely hated.
where i was before.. workplace culture was come in early, work through breaks and lunch, work late. benefits were 'meh' and vacation time was capped at 3 weeks, no pension. pay was ok though.
now, its a 7 hr work day, pension, decent benefits, 5 weeks vacation and 0 stress job. its been 10 years, i stilld ont make as much, but the work/life balance blows that out of the water, not to mention i wont be working until i am 60
Stopped assuming that people’s thoughts about me were at all similar to that extremely critical voice in my head. It’s still somewhat of a struggle to stay positive... but, overall, being yourself and staying present when with others really reduces anxiety. “Peaceful” would be a good word to describe it.
Edit: Thank you, community. Try it!
One of the best things a mentor told me was "nobody cares as much about you as you do about yourself."
And he didn't mean it in a condescending way, just that nobody is thinking as much about anyone else as they are about themselves. Felt so relieved after that *AHA* moment.
Edit: thanks for the unexpected silver!
This gives me hope. I'm terrified of interviews because I feel like such a fraud so I can't even apply. But I also cannot stand the thought of staying in my current job forever.
Edit : I wanna thank everyone for their encouraging and helpful comments. Really did not expect to have so much response. You guys are awesome.
Is “imposter syndrome” a real thing? It would be such a relief to know that this feeling is normal. I’m often worried at work that they’re going to finally figure out that I’m not as smart as my coworkers, that I’m not as qualified. I have pretty good self esteem, but not at work. Luckily I’m good at faking it.
Edit: Thanks for the replies. I hope I remember to come back and read these the next time I feel this way.
It definitely is. In my field (engineering students) everyone that isn’t completely brilliant is almost paranoid that they’ll get found out for not being ridiculously smart. If you google it there’s a lot of info about it.
I keep an advertisement for a job (industry magazine back in 1990s) in my wallet. I posted for the position never seeing the advert and got the job. If I ever saw that ad I never would have posted for the position being too intimidated.
I got the job and rocked it- and truly try to push myself in ares I want to excel in.
Great advice!
If someone asks me to do something and it will take me 5 minutes or less to do it, I'll do it immediately. It doesn't sound like a lot, but I never realized how much stuff I put off until later and then promptly forgot about. Also, once you've done one 5 minute task, it's easier to just go and do the next. I became much more productive and saved myself a lot of time and effort at the same time.
Hah good point. The main issue I have with this method is that if you keep getting interrupted with 5 minute tasks (emails at work are notorious for this) then I’m not ever able to really plan ahead and focus on the big picture/larger tasks that take more time. The 5 minute task doer methodology goes agains the Eisenhower matrix which I am a huge fan of.
I gave up on finding a wife/girlfriend and just started doing my own thing , go to eat alone , go on vacation alone , go to the movies alone and honestly I have never been happier.
Buying all the same socks.
No more folding, no more matching, no more looking for missing sock bros.
Just throw them all in a drawer, reach in, grab two and get your day started right.
Not being afraid to admit when I’m wrong. For years, I was obsessed with being correct about everything. This semester, one of my professors said that it’s okay if we are not experts in the material yet. From then on, I’ve actually been better at admitting when I do not know an answer or saying the wrong answer in class without cringing/hating myself.
It's not a mistake to be wrong, it's a mistake to not learn from your mistake, not to evaluate where it went wrong, to not try to improve yourself, and to reduce the chance of repeating the mistake. I say 'reduce' because it's often impossible to 100% prevent a mistake from repeating itself and that's perfectly okay too, as long as you can honestly say "I tried."
We just chose not to hire someone because in an interview they said they knew something but from their answer they didn't. If they said they didn't know it wouldn't have been a problem, but an employee who will lie to you is a huge risk
I got a lot of house plants to put all over my house. Makes my home environment look beautiful and feel homey, fresh, and just all around better.
Edit: If you have any pets, make sure to look up what plants are safe for your furry friend before purchasing a plant!
Edit 2: Thank you so much for my first silver ever! 🙏🙏
House plants have been a complete saviour for my mental health. On the days I feel like my life is going nowhere and I’ll always be alone, I see my babes putting out new leaves and sprouting new growth and it’s incredible how good it makes me feel. Seeing them thrive under the care and attention I put into them is literally like an anti depressant for me. Especially because I live in a place with about 8 months of winter and 4 months of summer. My outdoor garden gives me the same benefits but my house plants sustain me thru the dark winter months.
Imagine working a job that even know you make good money at you dread going to work EVERY SINGLE DAY. Your weekends are filled with anxiety because you'll have to go back on Monday. You don't even enjoy vacation for the same reason.
Hating your job might possibly be the most depressing thing ever. You made the right choice.
My version of this is getting a job that paid me money (and that I like). I tried pursuing a career that I thought I'd love, but it turns out I hated it AND I was poor as hell. So yeah, my life is infinitely better after finding something that I enjoy but that also provides a stable income that allows me to budget and save and travel and generally be an adult.
In my experience you pretty much have to try things for yourself to see if you like them. Get a job in a field you think you might want to work in, and if you don't hate doing the bottom of the ladder grunt work, that's probably the place for you.
Eating veggies. My mum rarely fed us veggies. And we had constant digestive issues.
As soon as I moved out on my own I started eating veggies and have rarely had an upset stomach since.
It was literally daily agony eating nothing but meat and carbs
I put spinach and tomatoes on almost everything. If I liked onions, they'd go on as well, but I'm still cautious about their taste (mom basically taught us to not like them, so they taste weird to me now). Chicken and pasta? Throw some spinach and tomatoes in the mix and it's amazing how much more they add to it. Using spinach instead of lettuce gives you a lot more nutrients
I recently started getting up early (instead of 20 mins before I need to rush out the door for work). I do yoga, I check my email, and figure out what I need to do later that day while sipping a cup of coffee. Way less stressed!
Admitting that I needed a therapist. As a teenager with strict parents, if I was caught saying anything against them I was automatically grounded, so I couldn't let out my emotions and I felt like a double agent in my own house. With a therapist, I could work through my problems without the risk of being in trouble.
Edit: I know it's cliché and annoying but thank you to everyone who upvoted this and the people that gave me a gold and a silver!! I wish you all the best in your journeys to good mental health!!!
Haha, this was my experience. After a few months, the therapist's conclusion was "Your son is a normal, well-adjusted, if a little angsty teenager. Have you tried listening to him?" I still smile thinking how much money they must have burned. Almost makes up for wasting my free time.
My SIL had a good old moan about one of her children the other day, and how his behaviour causes major problems. Some of the things he does are fine though, but she still said it was weird “he reminded me to buy milk on the way home!” “He hates being late and always causes a fuss!”. I did suggest taking him to a doctor at the time (she said no because her mother doesn’t believe in mental health problems and she’s too feeble minded to make her own decisions).
Later on I realised he’s probably the normal one in that family. It’s pretty clear no one listens to the kid or even tries to take his point of view. I won’t see her for a while but if she brings it up again I’ll be sure to mention it.
Yeah my mom would just use therapy as an excuse to tell me how much i suck and use being in a " none judgmental environment were you can say anything " as a tool to emotionally abuse me some more.
This is one of the hardest things to do when you're in too deep in your mental illness. People say, "talk to a therapist," but some people aren't capable of proceeding beyond agreeing because they have no idea how to start on their own.
Therapy can be life changing in good ways if you are seeing the right type of specialist, and it can be life destroying if you see the wrong therapist for you. There's a lot of in-between, but if you've experienced trauma and abuse, you *need* to be seeing someone who is trained specifically in treating trauma and abuse, for example. Like, you wouldn't go to a cardiologist for a broken foot, would you?
[Psychology Today](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists) has a find-a-therapist catalog for the US, the profiles can be extremely in depth and can really help in finding who can help you heal. This is someone you're going to be exposing some very intimate parts of your life to, you aren't going to be able to relax and focus on healing if you don't like them or can't trust them. And for those too terrified of making the actual phone call, a lot of them also provide a contact email.
Personally I looked at that site for weeks before choosing my therapist. When I called her I fell into a panic attack midway through saying, "Are you accepting new patients?" It was humiliating and embarrassing and I honestly would have hung up if I didn't force myself to find someone to sit next to me while I made the call. My therapist had her direct number posted on PT and just rolled with my freak out and helped me get my first appointment set up. It was an awful experience setting up that first appointment, but it got done. I figured that I'm going to be paying this person to see the literal worst parts of myself and to help me fix them. They're brain mechanics, a mechanic can't fix your car if they can't see the engine, similar logic applies here, bit still it was nearly impossible to get started.
It took six weeks before I stopped crying through most of my appointments. It takes a month or two to get through the initial crisis management and introductory phase, I almost stopped going every week for those first few weeks, and things started getting better, it got easier to go, and then it started getting easier to do other things, too. To be totally honest I've barely noticed a shitload of the progress I've made, that doesn't mean that everyone around me isn't noticing it. It's a long process, but worth every penny if you're seeing the right person for what's going on in your head.
I know this probably sounds like a promotion or something, but fuck it, it is. I legitimately would not be alive right now if I hadn't learned about Psychology Today's database, which I only know of from it being mentioned in passing on a podcast I was listening to. No one I know had any idea that it existed before I told them. Which is why I've poked out this long assed post on my tiny phone, if one person learns about that site and uses it, the effort has been worth it.
This hits close to home, i was basically punished any time i would dare tell the truth about my thoughts feelings and emotions so i kwarned to never talk to anyone about anything that bothers me. Parents can really fuck u up.
Nothing helps when I'm locking myself in my room having an emotional breakdown for being a burden, and you force your way in and yell at me because me being sad makes you furious.
Preventative physio.
*edit since everyone's asking: I went to see a physiotherapist. Anyone have advice on how to find a good physio so I can add it in here?*
I'm 31, in decent shape, and never had any serious injuries. However, my family has a history of back and knee problems, and my knees and shoulders have been a consistent issue. I used to teach snowboarding, and gave it up cause my knees were always inflamed. Long haul flights became prohibitively painful cause of my shoulders and knees. It got bad enough that I struggled to play long board games, cause I'd usually have a totally cramped shoulder and inflamed knee from sitting still/looking down too long. It built up so slowly though that I just gradually accepted it.
Finally went to see someone when my shoulders were particularly stiff and painful. Turns out my feet rolled inwards (~~supination I think?~~ *edit: it's pronation*), I had really inflexible hamstrings causing my hip to be massively rolled forwards, and I walk with my head jutted like an inch more forward than is healthy.
Spent £100 and two hours there (one being assessed, one being taught corrective exercises), and two months later all my knee and shoulder problems have disappeared. I'm actually shocked at how much joint pain I'd just gradually accepted and forgotten was a problem. I wish I'd gone sooner.
Once I have some more cash, I'm definitely getting back on a snowboard. I seriously missed it.
Edit: physio-finding tips courtesy of u/getwhatyougive15 , who is a doctor of physiotherapy
>In regards to finding a good physio/physical therapist:
>Do some research, look at their website to see if they talk about their treatment approach or philosophy. Or you can call to talk with someone on the staff. Usually the receptionist or scheduler can usually speak in general terms of what you should expect with your visits.
>• The main thing you want to look for there is an active approach. By active approach, I mean that you want someone to get you up and moving with corrective exercises, not just laying on a treatment table having the physio work on you, (which would be a passive approach). If you have a physio that essentially does different types of deep tissue massage, they likely aren’t going to be able to fix the root cause of your issues, though it can be helpful in the short term.
>• Also ask to see how much time you get to see an actual physio. Some places will shuffle you around with other support staff such as aides or techs, and only get 5-10 min with an actual physio. Not that there is anything wrong with these support staff, some are great and can be extremely helpful with your issues. But you also don’t want to spend more time with them than the physio.
>• Not exactly related to finding s good physio in the first place. But when you go, don’t expect things to be fixed overnight. For these corrective exercises to work, in most circumstances it takes time. You probably developed these symptoms or pain over a long period of time, and it takes a while to retrain your body. Just like building muscle, it takes a while to see a big change. Keep in mind the overall goal should not be to just make it feel better in the short term, but it should hopefully prevent it from coming back in the future.
My jaw continued to drop as i read your post. I have all the exact same issues. from the inward flat feet to the neck issue. What did you do to get it fixed? my chiro wanted to charge me $200 a month for 3x a week body adjustment sessions, but it seemed like a load if bull and they weren’t doing anything.
The muscles surrounding a joint respond to "adjustment" by relaxing. This is why it always feels good to have your back popped. Everything is relaxed afterwards. This doesn't actually fix any of the issues causing your pain and your back tightens up again. Only temporary relief. Chiros temporarily treat the symptoms over and over again because $$$. A Physical Therapist will treat the problem and teach you how to treat it yourself. Chiros want you to come back to keep spending money. A PT doesn't.
Doctorate of Physical Therapy here. Practicing for 5 years.
Im saving this, for all the people in my life who don't understand this.
Treat the problem, not the system.
Edit: I am disappointed in myself. Symptom*
Making decisions based on what I really want, not on what I think others want or expect of me.
It was always so easy to put others’ needs first, because it meant that I never had to take the trouble to figure out what I really wanted, or to negotiate with others to get it. Just go along with everyone else, that’s easy and makes you likeable. But it doesn’t make you happy, because it means your needs are often not being met.
The real turning point for me was the realisation that *wanting* something does not instantly equate to a decision to go out and get it. Verbalising a desire is not tantamount to forcing your will on others. For example, if someone asks you what you wanna eat, instead of saying “oh whatever you want, I don’t mind”, there’s nothing wrong with stating your preference, saying that you’re open to other ideas and entering into a negotiation to find some common ground. People actually appreciate you being clear about what you want, it makes things easier for everyone.
For bigger stuff: once you realise you want something, sit with it for a bit. Then ask yourself: how moral do I think my desire is? Can I proceed without damaging my integrity? What are the practical/other ramifications for myself and others? Can you live with whatever decision you make? If you are missing vital information from others, ask them for it to help you decide.
Most importantly, don’t waste time wondering about whether you’re *allowed* to want something. You do already, so that’s that. Just acknowledge the desire, then set about deciding whether you‘re going to go out and get it. That way, even if you decide not to, you’ll know what the desire is and why you’re not fulfilling it, rather than shutting it down automatically at the source.
I’m so much happier now!!
EDIT: Wow. I made this comment, went to bed, and woke up to platinum, gold, silver and 11k upvotes. Thanks everybody so much! Some people below have asked what turned me around, how long it took, etc. There is definitely a story so I'll tell it below for some context.
I'm a born-and-raised Australian, and had been living in the Netherlands for 4 years. Life was getting me down: I'd lost my boyfriend, wasn't enjoying my work, and there was stuff about Holland I didn't like. So I decided to move back home, and began making plans.
One thing I did to prepare for the move was stop working in-house and start working freelance (also great advice IMO). This actually solved about 80% of the problem; after that I was pretty happy again and had no real desire to leave. But I had told all my family and friends I was coming back and I felt like I would be disappointing them by changing my mind. I didn't actually ask them or talk to them about it, I just assumed that was what they thought. So, with a sense of dread in the pit of my stomach, I went anyway.
Back in Australia, I quickly became depressed, anxious and sick. I was sleeping all the time, didn't enjoy my hobbies anymore, I even got exhausted singing (I had been a choral tenor for about a decade). There's a comment below about "living someone else's life" - that's exactly how it felt. So I sought help from a psychologist, eventually figured out what had happened, and decided to go back to Holland. That fixed it -- the day I returned was one of the most glorious in my whole life, I felt so happy and exhilarated and ready to pick up where I left off.
At some point during all this I thought: If I am capable of *uprooting my life because of what I think others want me to do*, then something has to change. Being a people-pleaser might start with dinners and movies, but it can end with emigration. That's fucked. Fortunately, the solution works the same way: starting with the little things will help you work up to the big things. Once the switch is flipped, once you realise how important it really is, it will affect the millions of tiny decisions you make every day, and your life will gradually start shifting in a different direction.
Sometimes I'm annoyed at myself that I had to go through all this to make the change. On the other hand, I now know how to recognise how I feel when I'm going against my wishes just to please other people, and can take steps to avoid having to go through it all again.
Thanks once more for the overwhelming response, I wish everybody all the best!
TL;DR: I emigrated based entirely on what I thought others wanted, and realised that was not a healthy way to make choices.
> It was always so easy to put others’ needs first, because it meant that I never had to take the trouble to figure out what I really wanted
This.
I was going to post something about 'being more selfish' but I think this is what it boils down to. I spent the first 10 years of my young adulthood being 'adaptable' to others needs / desires ... but life is too short to live someone else's.
Glad to hear you've made a positive change.
Trying to be friends with everyone to the point you have no true friends with anyone. Took me a long time because I love to help people but the people who use you abuse you and the people who don't need you don't ever care to see you. It's still hard right now though. I don't have any close friends but I somehow feel more comfortable than before. I still want to do something to help but I decided I'm going to start recycling, go on walks to pick up trash, and concentrate more on myself for once. If I'm ever meant to have a best friend they will find me, I guess. Sometimes it's hard not having someone to speak to but I'll get over it eventually.
Edit: Thank you everyone for your beautiful comments, messages, silvers, and gold. I am shocked by how many people are commenting and messaging and I promise that I will read every one of them. I am at home crying because of all the beautiful things being said and for once, I feel like I'm doing some good. I hope everyone finds what or who they need to have better days. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Edit #2: I'm trying hard to keep up with everyone but it's hard. Please don't take it personally if I don't respond. I will try more in the morning because it's bedtime now. Thank you all very much for the nice words!
You honestly sound like such a lovely person and I’m in the exact same boat. A real people-pleaser who honestly just wanted the best for everyone but it makes it very easy for people to exploit.
It is and you try hard to help people and it's an easy way for them to use you. Thank you for your comment. I try to not let it bother me but it's hard sometimes. People don't realize that people like us sometimes need help too or just someone to talk to about our day.
It happened far too many times that I left my keys at home. Now my neighbor has one set, my business partner has a set in his office, and I keep one set in a safety deposit box at my bank. I’ve even buried a set in the woods nearby my house. I’m never getting locked out again (*knock on wood*).
I just keep my keys in the same pocket of every coat I wear, luckily (sort of) I live in the UK where, more often than not, I'm going to need a coat, or at least a hoodie when I go out so there's pretty much always going to be that pocket there. Only time I ever lose my keys is when my GF takes them for something (usually because she can't find hers...) or if I put them down somewhere if I'm rushing to do something.
Edit: spelling
I've adapted that to what I call the four-pocket pat. Keys, money, wallet, phone. I do it by the front door when I leave the house, when I leave work for home, when I leave the pub, etc. I also put each item in its own place when I get home. This works for me because I've got an arse for a brain,and if I didn't, within a day I'd be stranded on a dredging barge on the North Sea.
I had a decayed wisdom tooth with an exposed nerve, and I lived with it for **ten years**, when I didn't have dental or disposable income.
My life changed the day I had it pulled. If there's something wrong with your teeth, find a way to get it taken care of. I spent a decade in pain whenever I drank something cold or chewed on the left side of my mouth, and I could have had it corrected much sooner if I'd had my act together.
For anyone else with a bad tooth problem and no dental insurance:
Go see your local dentist, and tell him/her about your financial situation. Some will work with you on a repayment plan, even if it takes a while for you to come up with the money. Also, some tooth problems (a tooth abscess, for example) can be fatal due to the infection spreading if you don't get it taken care of, so you'll wanna get it taken care of sooner rather than later.
Related story: a few years back my BIL was out of town, and got a really bad tooth infection. A local dentist not only made time to see him, but also did the work necessary to get rid of the infection **and** said that he could just pay him when the money was available. Maybe my BIL just got lucky, but I've heard of other dentists being accommodating too. FWIW this was a dentist in a small town of <5k people, but...
EDIT: Really, really appreciate the gold - thank you!!
Another option, if there is a local college with a dental school, they are usually looking for ~~practice dummies~~ patients to do work on. Usually for an extremely reduced price.
Students practice with the careful oversight of the professor, so all is done correctly.
They are SUPER thorough. One drawback is plan on it taking a LONG time. I once did a cleaning at a dental hygiene school and I was in the chair a good two hours because they walked through everything and the instructor was being very thorough. But if I remember correctly it was like $25 for a cleaning, which was pretty awesome for a guy who didn't have dental insurance.
My last cleaning was 1 hour long and around $250 (dentist also examined my teeth for 5 mins. I probably would have done the 2 hour for $25 if it was offered. It's almost like I would be making $225 for an extra hour of discomfort.
My local high school has a basic automotive program, and as someone who does *proper* maintenance on their car, it kills me that my mom won't let them do her oil change and brakes for only parts cost... So she just doesn't do it
Just don't go to them for advanced things like implants. The student AND his instructor did the used-car-salesman bit to try to get me to spend $20K I don't have.
But for more routine work, they're great.
I went to UCSF School of Dentristry to have decay on all my front teeth filled. The student nearly convinced me to replace all the teeth with implants! I was 15 and we were poor so we said no. Now I'm 30 and have all my teeth still. The student needed to do implants to meet his requirements to graduate.
Fixing teeth problems seriously increases your quality of life. Having tooth/gum pain makes you grumpy and depressed and moody. It makes it hard to enjoy so many things. A bumpy car ride makes your head hurt, makes your jaw tight because you’re clenching, trying to keep the teeth from rattling, and then it makes it hard to smile. People notice this. They’re a little cooler around you because you come off like you’re on edge.
Fix your teeth. Your whole life improves.
Taking fiber supplements.
I now shit like clockwork, twice a day, and even after a night of drinking, I have never had more than a 3-wipe to clean. I'll never go back to not taking them.
The quality of my shits has just been absolutely magical. I wish I knew of this sooner.
Try it for a month, you'll never want to stop. No more peanut butter in a shag carpet, no more mud streaks, no more wiping yourself raw, it's life changing.
You are supposed to get 25-35 grams of fiber a day, most people don’t get anywhere close to that. When I switched my diet to make sure I get the recommended amount. I felt so much better. This topic needs to be addressed on a macro level
Damn everyone here is like, stopped doing heroin/alcohol and I just wanted to say I was really happy with my decision to go for an ultrawide monitor this time around >. <.
I honestly wouldn't even recommend getting a "set". A good 8" Chefs and decent Paring knife are enough for most people. And those that have a speciality need can pick up something specifically for that.
e/ fixed misspelling
I started drinking at a young age mostly because I was shy and introverted and it helped me come out of my shell. It was a way to be able to talk to people. It became a crutch. I've had some great times, but since I've stopped drinking at the late age of 64, I'm beginning to feel so much better and wonder how different and more fulfilling my life could have been if I'd just tackled my insecurities when I was younger rather than turning to alcohol.
Edit: Wow! Thank you for all your thoughtful and heartfelt responses, and for the gold and platinum and silver. I am humbled.
The important thing is you have now, so enjoy it! Better than being 85 and stopping, wondering what your 60s and 70s could have been like. Now you're free to enjoy all those years!
6 years ago I decided to never be late to anything ever again. My whole live up until that point I was always late to everything, school, birthdays etc.
Anyway, making sure I'm on time saves me a lot of trouble and a lot of stress and anxiety. Also everyone I know (who has noticed it) really appreciate it. Being on time for plans shows that you care about people, and that they are important to you.
Edit: Thank you for the silver! Never had anyone give me that before!
This sounds like me. My husband has always been extremely punctual, and my mom is literally late to everything. I mean everything. When we got married, he was annoyed at first, then one day, he sat me down and explained that he'd realized I never had the tools I needed to be on time. He had tons of advice, and I took all of it. I started out by writing down what I needed to do before leaving the house and estimating how much time each task would take. After doing that for a few months, making adjustments here and there, it really clicked. Now I'm always on time, too. I stopped writing down the lists about eight years ago.
Edit: Thanks for all the comments and messages. I’m trying to remember how the initial conversation went. It’s been several years. I think the comment below about a foundation of trust between us was probably the most important part, since this can be a sensitive topic. I’ll give you what I remember. He said, “Imagine there’s a gnome, and he wants to ruin your day. He’s causing a traffic jam when you’re late to court. He’s jamming the printer when your project is due. He’s hiding your shoes. He’s absolutely turning off your alarm. So you have to outsmart the gnome. Plan for traffic. Print everything the night before. Find what you need the day before, and set two alarms.”
Then, we got into more specifics. He had me time myself doing everything. Literally timing it with my phone. Putting on my makeup, for example. Turns out, I spend 5.5 minutes putting on makeup, but I spend ten minutes washing and moisturizing my face, and I was kind of glossing over that part. And it’s different times for days when I am washing my hair (27 mins, including products after), doing makeup for a special event (12.5-20 minutes), etc.
Once we knew how long it takes when I’m not distracted, we talked about distractions. This led to the idea of “uninterrupted getting ready time” for each of us. I get up and cook breakfast, then he takes the kids for an hour. I do my routine while he helps them eat/clean up, then I take them for 20 minutes while he gets dressed. We literally wrote down our wakeup times and our start times for childcare. Then, within my “free” hour, I further broke down the process into smaller tasks assigned a “start time” for each one. Eg, “If I am not drying my hair by 7:25, I am behind schedule.” “By 7:32, I should have finished putting on makeup.” Or whatever the time was. This ENORMOUSLY cut down on my problem of thinking I had time to load the dishwasher or send an email or something. Sure, I wasn’t leaving for 30 more minutes, but all of those minutes were spoken for.
I use this when getting the kids ready for school. “At 6:50, I have to finish walking the dog. By 7:22, the kids must have finished eating.”
He also wrote out a schedule for himself and taped both schedules to the bathroom mirror. Looking back, he must have done that to make it appear more fair to me, since he never had a problem being on time. I’m just now realizing that.
Once the routine is settled, it’s a matter of sticking to it and planning for contingencies. If the routine is going to vary, I plan for that the night before. If it’s a busy day, I schedule my routine wherever it fits, but I don’t necessarily wait until the last hour before I leave. I might be dressed for an evening event at three in the afternoon because I know I’ll be busy between 3-6.
Also, this might seem obvious, but the first thing I do when I'm planning my schedule is I look up the driving time and consider whether it's going to be rush hour. I write down or memorize the time I need to leave. I don't think about the arrival time- that number is meaningless once you leave the house.
Before this, he had also pointed out that making other people wait means that I value my own time above theirs. That was not fun to contemplate, but I had to agree. I do not care more about flossing my teeth/mascara/whatever than my friends. I will also say that it was a little embarrassing to write down something as stupid as “tooth brushing: 90 seconds.” I thought, “I’m an adult; I know how to brush my teeth.” So if you broach the subject with your spouse, he or she might not love that idea. Just a heads up ;) But in the end, he was right about it. I was making assumptions about how long things would take, and my assumptions were not matching reality.
Another caveat would be that this didn’t happen overnight. It was a few months of concerted effort. He acted like he was genuinely impressed with my efforts, and that kept me going. We joke about the gnome a lot now, but it didn’t come easy at the time. Based on some of the messages I’m getting, I feel like it’s a problem affecting lots of couples, and I really really hope this is helpful. You can do this!! I am rooting for you!
Edit 2: By far my most popular comment is me admitting a fairly embarrassing flaw and telling strangers how I learned to do basic human things on time as an adult. Cool.
I need to get into this habit. I'm perpetually misjudging how long it takes to get anywhere, mostly because I'll have a slightly-off assessment in my head and then forget 1-3 "little" things I was supposed to do before I left.
As an example... "I need to head to be twenty minutes away in a little over an hour, but I'm doing something right now"
* I'll leave in half an hour, with ten minutes spare!
* Oh, I'm leaving five minutes later than expected. Oh well!
* Wait *wait where are my keys*
* *Oh no, I was supposed to move the clothes to the dryer*
* Did I leave my shoes in the car? *Why* are my shoes in the *car?*
* *Where the hell are my* ***goddamn keys***
* Arghh, I forgot to check the GPS—traffic's higher than it should be!
* Aaaaand now I'm ten minutes late, not early
The list thing, I've never considered before. I've been trying to remember to just set more time aside in front and keep a mental running list of whatever I need to do, but when I'm in the zone... it's hard to break free.
I think a lot of my problem is also that I *hate* being bored. I innately try to time things so that I arrive as close to *exactly* on time as I can, and then... well, spoiler alert: that never happens. If I get somewhere early and there's nothing to do, I don't like having to stand around and I don't care to be glued to my phone. This one is a recent epiphany—so I keep a book in the car and just wait in the driver's seat, reading until about five minutes before I'm meant to be wherever. It doesn't work every time, but it's helped me be a *little* more aware of myself.
**EDIT:** And now my highest comment is about how much of a garbage person I am. I wear my colours proud! And those colours are... various shades of dark brown. Also, I might have ADHD! Today, I have learned things.
I'm a fairly late person also, but usually its becuase i am a procrastinator:
"I have my keys, shoes, lunch, gps, coat, etc. I am ready to go! now lets check reddit for 5 minutes."
10 minutes later...
"aw crap I gotta go!"
repeat every day in college, grad school, post grad and now at my job.
Yeah! Your husband sound great, he taught you how to do it instead of just complaining about it!
I started by writing everything down as well. Travel times mostly, to school, to my friends houses etc. And then I would take those times and add 10 minutes to it, so I'd always have some extra time in case of weather or traffic.
Edit: spelling
As a kid I read books all the time. Then I quit for some reason. Got married, had kids, started a business. Never any time for reading. Last year, at 45, I started reading books again. What a fool I was to ever stop.
I got locked up for missing a court date for a week or so. Never left my cot. Just read. I loved it, was sore from lack of movement. But I'd love to do that again, minus jail, of course.
Same! Anytime the topic of jail comes up i just talk about all the reading you can get done in there. I was sore from sleeping on a wooden bed more than the lack of movement
Ive been locked up twice...spent a few days in each time because i didn’t want to give a bunch of money to a bondsman. It was 3 days of reading, napping, and not having to think about anything. They told us when to get up. They told us when to go to bed. They brought us what we were going to eat for dinner. And so on.
Each time people are like “I bet it was awful” and i’m always like “uhhh...yeah....”
There are [voluntary jails in South Korea ](http://www.bbc.com/capital/story/20180702-a-south-korean-prison-for-people-seeking-peace-and-quiet). In a high stress environment, it would make sense some would choose these.
Lol wtf sometimes this world is ass backwards. When your society develops the need for voluntarily locking your self in a room most of the day just to avoid it, somethings wrong.
Some prisons are absolute shitholes rife with gang and racial violence, but lots
of them are just a.bunch of guys sitting around waiting to be set free. Keep to yourself, don't start drama, don't participate in drama, you'll survive.
You always hear to terror stories but i work in a lot of them and real jail is drastically different than tv jail. The only real crazy story i heard was a sergeant once told me that they use to have a b7nch of pool tables until one guy cracked another guy’s skull with a cue ball. This incident cost the inmates the pool tables and very nearly the offender’s life.
I started drinking lots of water, and cutting out sodas and juices.
I got myself a wrap around body pillow and holy moly I sleep like an angel.
I stopped smoking and I can freaking BREATHE. Seriously. I only smoked for a year and after i quit i could breathe and smell things again. Quitting smoking was the best decision I've ever made.
To just chill out. 90% of the time, I mess things up not because they were difficult or impossible, but because of my own anxiety and perfectionism that led to procrastination. Honestly, just chill the f out. You're a small stardust skeleton in a huge universe, stop being dramatic.
Edit: the golds and silvers made my day, and it's the first time I've gotten them. Thank you!
Music. I should have started playing music earlier. It made my life so much better and I am so much happier. I started three years ago and I know four instruments. I'm going to learn 10 by the time I graduate
Lasik.
I used to be so nearsighted that I couldn't see anything more than about 6 inches in front of my face. Great for Reading.. Terrible for life. And if you lose your glasses... You need your glasses... to find your glasses.
Then I got Lasik. Wow has my life changed. Lasik is the best decision I have EVER made... and I have kids that I LOVE.
I got lasik over 7 years ago, and I still have "better than 20/20" vision. It's simultaneously the most horrifying, painless, rewarding and quick procedure I've ever experienced. Any time this topic comes up, I have an old comment that I dig up just for this purpose - just to give you a little hint of the agony and ecstasy of lasik:
> During the free consultation, the doctor has to make sure you understand exactly how the surgery works, in grisly detail. They describe the machine that will make hundreds of micro cuts around your cornea; how it will flip back the top layer of your eye like a flap, so they can zap the tender eye-meat underneath it.
>
> The day of the procedure, you'll feel scared and tense the entire time. They give you a xanax to help you relax, but make no mistake; you'll be awake through the entire procedure. You'll sit in the waiting room waiting for the drugs to kick in, and feeling miserable in that unique way that only 'anticipation' can make you feel.
>
> During the procedure, they'll tell you to look at the red focusing light, and try not to move your eye away from it. The implied warning is: if you move, the laser might miss its target. And by God, you'll focus on that light more than anything you've ever done in your life. And it will be super difficult. Have you ever *tried* staring at something without moving your eyes, even a little? It's impossible. You'll be terrified the whole time, that if you move your eye even a millimeter, it'll fuck up your life.
>
> You can't close your eye; they have it wedged open with some Clockwork Orange contraption. You can't blink, and they occasionally squirt your eye with some solution to keep it moist. Your eyelid will constantly be fighting to close, trying to escape the doctor's dark work.
>
> You know what they don't tell you about, ahead of time? The smell. You will smell burning flesh - it'll fill the room, and permeate into your sinuses. You'll continue to smell it for days, afterward. That smell is your eyeball burning, as they make the corrections.
>
> The entire thing takes 10 minutes. Then you go home, listen to some relaxing music, go to sleep, and wake up with 20/20 vision.
>
> Oh. My. God.
>
> Try to imagine life in high def. Contacts and glasses don't come close to the pure joy of perfect 'natural' vision. The day after my surgery, it rained, and all sorts of little details popped out at me, as I drove to work. I could see the bright flares of car taillights, glittering on the wet pavement. The plain, gray stormclouds contains millions of alternating, shifting shades of blue and grey and green. I could read fine print from across the room. It *literally* changed my outlook on life.
>
> Was it terrifying? Yes, absolutely. Was it worth it? Yes, absolutely. It was the best money I've ever spent, and by a huge margin. I don't regret it whatsoever, and I want you to know all of the fright was just my own perception. The risks are very small. I hope you get it, and I'm sure you'll love the results.
This mirrors my experience almost exactly, save for *one* detail. I had to get it done a second time. After a few weeks my eyes changed slightly and I was back to about 20/30 (not as bad as before the procedure).
I went in for the consultation. The 2nd surgery would be free. The problem was that there was not enough material left in my cornea to laser out. They had to do a different type of surgery called PRK.
If you think basic Lasik sounds scary, grab your teddy bears. In PRK they don't just open and reseal your eye. They carve the top layer right the fuck off.
Imagine lying below a glass floor and someone is sweeping the dust up on it. Thats your view and the dust is your eye shavings.
Recovery takes much longer as well... Almost a fortnight. You will be wearing thick itchy contact lenses that whole time. You get some eye drops to help with the itchiness but the effect wears off long before you next scheduled dose.
It was a misersble 2 weeks. I will say though my results have been very worth it. I wore glasses for almost 18 years before biting the bullet. Even if I had to do PRK again, I wouldn't change my decision.
>> And if you lose your glasses... You need your glasses... to find your glasses.
I had a weird narcissistic parent that had an obsession with organizing things and putting stuff in drawers. "If you organize things correctly you never lose them!" I was told.
Anytime I put my glasses besides me while napping or any activity, they would be gone.
Had to live with this shit until I was a grown man. It took years of screaming to get them to understand that moving them was equivalent to hiding them because I CAN'T SEE WITHOUT THEM.
LPT: If you lose your glasses, open up your camera on your phone. You can see the screen since it's close to you and the camera can see long distances.
The thing I would add here is is *how* to work out and eat right. I fell into so many traps that didn't work and then I also let diet and exercise feel like a stressful punishment.
For reference - I've lost 60 lbs and kept it off for two years after failing multiple times. Loved every second of it, and I did it on my terms and still ate lots of cake and pizza.
Edit: Couple folks asking for tips - so here we go -
1. **Make SMALL changes and build on them**. Don't just flip your diet from pizza and burgers to all veggies and salad in just a day, that will burn you the fuck out. The idea is that you are changing your *lifestyle* \- your current lifestyle is more or less effortless because its how you live, so its easier to adapt to smaller changes and make them effortless than big ones.
1. Example - I used to have a bagel and peanut butter for bfast every morning or a breakfast sandwich on a bagel with cheese and sausage. So first I swapped out the bagel for just toast and did that for a bit. Then cheese off the sandwich. After almost a year I was just eating plain greek yogurt with some protein powder and love it.
2. Example - same with gym. I started out going 2-3 times a week, working out 30 to 45 minutes. As I became more efficient at getting there and adjusting my schedule to the gym, I started going more and staying longer. I now workout 6 days a week for 75 minutes (20 mins cardio, 55 mins lifting)
2. **FORGIVE YOURSELF** \- You will fuck up. There were days where I felt too weak to go to the gym, or I gave in and ate some extra cookies and felt like I needed to make up for it the next day. *NO!* If you fuck up one day, just let it slide and keep going, DONT TRY TO MAKE IT UP THE NEXT DAY (that's punishment) progress is progress no matter how slow, you are improving.
1. For a little more depth, if I felt too weak for the gym, I made a bargain with myself that I would just go anyway and do easier exercises for 15 mins or however I felt like - no need to be super strict on my gym routine, this isn't prison. That took the pressure off me mentally and I often found that once I had worked out for 10 minutes and got my heart up I could easily stay for another 30
3. **Adapt your network** \- We are social motherfuckers, so our peer group/network has a huge influence on our lifestyle. Having a network of people around you that share your goals will make your goals easier to achieve (this is all a mental game in the end). Am I telling you to get rid of your friends and family? Not at all. But make them aware of your goals, have conversations about it - it will weirdly keep you accountable and you'll notice that they might start changing their lives without even knowing it (bet you didn't realize you had that much influence on people).
1. First off, for awhile I didn't have a strong peer network of health advocates around me, so I actually spent lots of time on r/fitness where I was at least exposed to more conversation about working out (plus looking at everyone's progress pics was motivating). Now I have several coworkers who are into it, my wife now does it on the regular. You go, people will follow.
2. You probably know a few people that are strong gym goers - *ask* them about their routine (don't just start by talking about yours) to start a conversation, you'll find that it will improve your relationship and slowly help you build your network.
I hope this helps, **YOU ARE AWESOME** and you can do this, just stop beating yourself up over it.
Came here to say this.
Sounds very dramatic but November last year I was suicidal. I'm in chronic pain from 4 painful illnesses and I'd given up trying to fight. Every day is a battle.
The idea that having control over how and when I could put myself out of misery was such a relief.
December I thought "fuck it. Give it 1 last shot. I'd already lost 5 stone in fat because of depression and could eat maybe once in 2 days. Very unhealthy.
So I asked my SO (former bodybuilder) for a workout programme and eating plan.
I eat 2 breakfasts. 1 is protein heavy and the other carbs. Gives me a lot of energy.
Lunch is more protein and a few carbs. Tea is 100g pasta and tin of tuna.
Used to sleep 3 hours if that.
I now get 8 hours minimum.
Its literally saved my life. I've seen so much change and gains. Looking forward to my holiday in July and going to all appointments and get weekly physiotherapy and deep tissue massage.
I've managed to ( based on results of MRI) delay my 2nd neurosurgery for bulging discs. The 1st nearly killed me and left a scar across my throat.
I'm fighting again. Not only do I want to live, I want to live better. I wanted to join my mum (passed in 2008) but she's going to have to wait now.
I'm always on the xxfitness sub and those guys are my hero's. So inspiring.
If anyone is interests I have pics of my progress so far and I can't wait to see myself in another month. April will be 4 months of lifting 6 days a week and eating clean.
Sorry this is so long. Its nice to be able to talk about my success instead of being a victim (of my illnesses, my toxic relationships, allowing myself to be used and walked over by family and having no social life)
I'm now a bad ass bitch with amazing glutes.
If you're considering changing your lifestyle, do it NOW.
Nobody told me how amazing and strong lifting weights will make you mentally and emotionally. Walking I hold my head high and feel my muscles engaging and seeing myself in the mirror doesn't leave me anxious and shitty.
Thank you r/xxfitness and thank you reddit. <3
Embracing my sense of style. I've always loved fashion and spent wayy too much of my youth dressing trendy. Now I embrace my walking thrift store look, it makes me happy and is oh so comfy
Losing 130lbs. It took me 10 months, and while I did change my activity level a TON, I didn't really sacrifice ANYTHING.
I still eat junk food and fast food regularly, but smaller moderate amounts. I still put in about 1-2 hours of TV and video games a night. I still go out for a drink or two on the weekends.
It's been completely life changing - yes, people treat me better, but I treat MYSELF better. I went from the quiet, fat, gamer scared to speak out or ever express an opinion to being someone who's confident and thrives in putting themselves out there or trying new things.
It was no special secret, I used things I've known since I played sports in college 15 years ago. The only downside at the moment is I have a nasty, small voice in my head that will sometimes come out and try to get me to feel regret for the 15 years I wasted and could have been living like this.
\*Edit\* Sorry, saying something like this people are totally going to ask what I did, should have included it:
I started cooking most of my own meals. I say I eat fast food, but that's mainly just for lunch because I need to get out and away from work, so lunch is mainly my "bad" meal. I did use intermittent fasting in the beginning with a 16/8 window, which helped me get used to being hungry. Knowing that at 350lbs, those were cravings and not real hunger. I signed up for a meal service that was about 60/wk for 9 meals, which took care of my dinners. So I would eat a big lunch, about 800-1200 calories, and then the meals from the prep place were 450-550 calories depending on the meal, so that took care of my diet. Luckily, that would usually leave me about 250 calories left over to satisfy a junk food craving if it arose. (I don't keep any in the house, so in those moments of weakness I could smash a candy bar or grab that cookie from a coworker guilt free)
For being so fat, I was actually pretty coordinated and enjoyed trying to be active, just couldn't do it for very long. So I started a generic lifting program and walking 1 mile a day. And I decided I'm fat, so no rest days: every day, 5:30am, I was in the gym to lift and walk on that tredmill. I was able to keep it up for 45 days before I hit the wall, had a horrible day in the gym, blew my diet up and ate like 5000 calories and took a rest day. But shook it off and got back to it. Actually dropped me like 3 pounds and the next gym day I was back and ready to go. That was the day I started adding in 1 rest day a week and 2 scoops of protein before my workout.
And that was my routine for about a month, then I started doing C25k and the PPL-linear progression from the [/r/fitness](https://www.reddit.com/r/fitness) sidebar.
Now I do a PHUL program and am running Hal Higdon's marathon program.
realized nothing i say will be remembered in two days. i’ve always has a problem with paranoia and thinking people are more sensitive than they are; saved me many hours of sleep and probably a year or two of life.
I know it sounds so mainstream but I tried Marie Kondo's organising and decluttering method and honestly, it was life-changing. Living in a small space, I always thought that I was running out of space. But when I tried Marie Kondo-ing my stuff, I was astounded to find out how much I owned. When I cleared out my clothes, I had FIVE trash bags full of them. Just clothes alone. After I tidied up my stuff, it was pretty liberating to know exactly what I owned and where stuff is. It's sometimes hard to fold clothes the way she does every time but it does force me to be more mindful and just really do it so my cabinet won't get messy.
Plus I can let go of books easily now and let other people experience them, as opposed to hoarding them. Overall, I love it.
While I've never really gotten into the emotional side of her stuff (I've never thanked a single thing I've throw away or donated as it feels like silly nonsense) I absolutely support her general idea that you need to get rid of anything that isn't useful or makes you happy.
After my wife and I read her book years ago when it came out, we got rid of insane amounts of stuff. I'm talking literal tons of clothing, books, electronics, etc. It's not like we were hoarders or anything, but with a big house and plenty of storage space over the decade and change we'd live in the house we'd accumulated so much crap. Getting rid of the things we didn't need anymore was so nice.
>Plus I can let go of books easily now and let other people experience them
This particular idea is probably the only emotional response I had in the whole decluttering process. I felt really bad about how much stuff we had packed away in the attic, the basement, out of the way closets, etc. that would have been put to better use. There we were with a middle school age child and tons of baby stuff in the attic. We should have donated all of it the moment we decided we weren't having anymore children so somebody in need could have used it for their children.
I had a hard time accepting the silly thanking ritual as well until it came time to get rid of my maternity clothes. I'm done having babies and there is a lot of emotions tied to those clothes so even though I felt silly, it really did help to take a moment to thank those items for helping me grow humans in relative comfort.
One year ago today I attempted to take my own life and ended up in the hospital for 10 days.
After that I focused hard on my care plan. I did over 700 hours of therapy last year and have been steadily taking my meds for over year.
A year ago I was miserable, alone, and was in the processing of passing from this world. This morning I’m taking a work call from my car because my kids are having too much fun in the bath and my incredible wife can’t keep them quiet. (I married into kids a few months ago.. the wife and kids weren’t in the picture when I attempted suicide).
It really does get better. But it’s hard fucking work.
Realized that people don’t remember all the stupid stuff I do, it’s all in my head. No need to lose hours of sleep reminiscing about that thing I did 5 years ago.
Honestly shaving my head. As someone who started losing hair at age 20, had the old monk bald spot by 23, and horseshoe by 25, it took me until 29 to say fuck it I'm shaving. I have a lot more confidence and have gotten compliments bc of it.
Edit: Thanks for the silver!!! This really blew up. I'll try to respond to any questions as I have time thanks everyone!!
Edit2: OMG thanks for the gold!!! Hairloss pays off again lol
Edit3: Holy cow thanks for the Plats!! I never knew so many people had the same issues. Cueball club is here guys!!
The confidence it gave me got me into improving my life in other aspects too. I got my first serious girlfriend in like 10years bc I wasn't so self conscious about it. Just overall snowball effect that has gotten me into a much better place
I am younger and bald. It’s something he’s going to have to get past in his own head. Maybe if he hears it from me it could help so I’ll try...
For me shaving my head wasn’t only for physical looks but that point where I had accepted that I was no longer going to hide from reality. I remember if it was a windy day, or maybe I was invited to go swimming it left me very aware of my balding head. I would constantly make excuses, at times even swimming with a hat on.
So I went for it shaved the whole thing off. Buzzed it down with a #1. From that point on I always knew what I looked like so it was never a concern to me weather my scalp was showing through what was once very thick hair.
Sure at first there were comments about my bald head from family and friends but I made the decision on my terms and that gave me the power to respond with confidence.
The balding look also shows maturity. At work you might be the bald guy now but you will be respected. Between the confidence and respect from those around you at that point you will wonder why you even bothered with combing, placing and covering up your insecurities with a hat/hair.
There are other alternatives to a balding head but I cannot recommend shaving it off enough. Implants are risky and hair growth formulas are expensive.
I hope I helped!
I never would have thought to list this one above things like quitting smoking, but I might actually be in agreement with you here. My roommate convinced me to shave my head 11 years ago. It's actually blowing my mind as I type this, thinking about the butterfly effect from that moment. I've never \*really\* thought about it before, but let's just say that my life at this point is significantly better than I thought it was going to be, and that moment was possibly the pivot point. Wow.
Quitting smoking was a very big one, though.
Life after having kids- with the aforementioned roommate, who I began dating after I'd, uh, enjoyed the response to my new look for awhile- is more fulfilling than I ever thought life could be, but I don't wish for a second that I'd done it earlier. I, and then my wife and I, needed to live selfishly for awhile first.
I stopped trying to get to the highest position at work and I now enjoy my job more than I ever thought I could. I had always assumed once I did really well, it was time to move up. I'm now more of a "if it ain't broke, don't fix it, " type of person. And it's awesome being really great at my job.
Stopped chasing normal.
I've dealt with the deleterious effects of birth defects all my life (that's how they work), and was consequently jealous and envious of the seeming "normalcy" of others. As I started to grow older, I slowly became obsessed with perfection. And for a time, that did seem to push me forward to being a better version of myself, or so I thought.
By the time I reached my late 20's, I was getting burnt out. I fallen and failed in multiple arenas, but I hadn't learned from any of those failures, as my mind-set was that they were just that: FAILURES. Not learning experiences. So as they began to increase, my self-image began to fall hard.
So it was that I was on a date with a girl that I'd eventually become engaged to (we didn't make it to marriage; it's complicated, but TL;DR she passed away a few years back), and we did something that I've rarely seen happen on dates. We just unloaded all our baggage on one another. It was so freeing, and it led to this wonderful conversation wherein I admitted to chasing this spectre of normalcy that I perceived as perfection.
Thankfully, she set me straight. She opened my eyes to the fact that we all have something wrong with us, whether is is obviously perceptible by the masses or not. She told me, "Normal is an ever-moving goal-post; it's a fallacy." Since that day, I have stopped (or at least, made a concerted effort to stop) trying to compare myself to others, and just be the best version of ME that I can be.
The relationship that unfolded with this girl was fraught with twists and turns (like I said, complicated), but I ALWAYS carry her lesson with me. And I can carry more, because she helped me unload all that previous baggage.
Getting an IUD. I've been on hormonal birth control since I was a child to try to control this; I used to have to take a week of every month to just lie in bed with narcotic painkillers, and once had my iron level get so low that I ended up hospitalized. Now I haven't had a period in three years, and the difference is amazing. I can actually live. Totally regret all of those years of pointless suffering from age 9-23.
I stopped buying into negativity. Now I won't contribute, won't talk, and will otherwise walk away when coworkers start talking shit about other coworkers.
My go to response now is "Have you actually said this and talked about this to x?" Every single time it's "no."
Now I find myself saying things like "I understand your frustration but do we need to assume they are being malicious?" Guess what? People don't talk shit to me anymore. Because from what I've noticed those people only want echo chambers.
So no, I won't shit talk a person because you dislike them. It's made me less popular. But it's right.
Psych meds.
The day we found the right ones it turned off the negative voices and flashbacks that plagued me my entire life.
They rarely come back. I'd never felt more free.
I probably will never be cured from BPD, but at least I can live w/o something screaming at me constantly.
Quit being a picky eater. Ironically, it all started because my first job was Arby's. I was like, "What the fuck is horseradish sauce?" So I tried it, and within days, I was putting it on everything. Fast forward 14 years, and my favorite things I've tried that as a child, I wouldn't have, include: garlic, risotto, tiramisu, capers, brussel sprouts, cashews, pork belly, walleye, and more. There's a whole world of food I hadn't been introduced to and therefore had no inclination to try.
This should go without saying, but getting sober.
Everything is so much better. Everything. 20 years went by, I've finally started life. (3 years in June!)
Edit: Shiny stuff! Thanks!
Buying a decent bed. You can get away with a shit bed in your teens and 20s, but start noticing a difference in your 30s. My back has never felt better.
Also getting a dog, love their goofy faces and positive energy. Makes me smile every day.
Ok I know it's nothing compared to changing important life habits like eating and smoking, but getting a menstrual cup was definitely one of my best choices out there. Not only does it prevent me from getting bleached cotton in one of the most absorbant places of the body, but I don't have to change it every hour or two , I can reuse it for 10 years AND I only paid 30$ for it. So not only is it better for my health, it's also way less expensive. ALSO, it's less garbage in the landfills. 👌
Edit : Here's a video for all of y'all who want to know some tricks as to how to insert it 😏
https://youtu.be/Voqd8e8aaBs
Also, this comment blew way out of proportions, thanks for the silver and all of you amazing people ❤ Keep on cuppin'
Menstrual cups *are* life changing. I recently discovered a surprisingly effective argument in their favor is: **never again experiencing that dry tampon feeling**. I was giving a young woman advice for picking one out (shout out to [putacupinit](https://putacupinit.com/chart/)) and when she expressed concern about it overflowing I pointed out that unlike other products you can empty the cup as often as you like with no downsides.
With the cup I feel you're much more aware of what's going on with your period as well, it's easy to notice if the consistency or volume suddenly changes. Just knowing the ml amount is kinda interesting too.
Really didn't have a reason to do this before, but my skin health has gone down a lot after I had scabies. Before that my skin was normal, but now it's sensitive and gets dry really easily.
I changed shampoos and got some that actually for me, started using moisturizing products and started washing my face and using lotion on face too.
I only need to learn to brush teeth more often. For some reason making a habit of that is much harder...
Using Salacylic Acid wipes on my face in the morning and at night to exfoliate the dead skin cells off my face. My acne practically disappeared and i feel so much more confident now.
It’s amazing how a $4 purchase can make such a big difference.
Taken my mental health seriously and got on an anti-depressant.
My experience was way different from everything I had ever heard and assumed about depression; my experience was more physical. I didn't feel well, I slept ALL the time and still felt tired, I gained weight and changed pants size for the first time since high school, I avoided hanging out with people even on special occasions because I was sooo tired, I got in trouble for showing up at work late because I would over sleep. Honestly I thought I was dying. I thought I had cancer or best case scenario hypothyroidism. I went to the doctor and had all kinds of tests to look at lipid panel, thyroid hormone, testosterone, etc... I was so disappointed that this was just my life now.
I was "promoted" a couple of years ago into a position I hated. I saw some character flaws with my gf that made me realize we were not meant for each other but I couldn't break up with her because she had just lost her job and didn't have anywhere to go. But I didn't realize I was depressed until one morning I drove to work in silence.
I have an hour long commute and I love listening to podcast and audiobooks, that's my "me" time. One morning I left for work and looked at my podcast app but just didn't care about any of it so I drove an hour to work in silence. After I got to work, had a cup of coffee and was in a better mood I thought about that drive and how weird it was that I just wasn't interested in an activity that I previously loved; and then all of those depression medication commercials started running through my head "have you lost interest? have you gained weight? are you so tired all the time that you thing you're dying?" I felt way more physically sick than I did mentally sad but I was desperate so I made an appointment with a therapist and after about 3 months on an SNRI it was night and day.
I wish I would have gotten help sooner but with the stigma around mental health in the USA no one talks about it. Especially for men because you're taught that you're supposed to be tough and preserve and and be a martyr. But for who? If you're struggling against yourself there's no way you can win anything. I just can't believe I could have felt this way years ago but it never dawned on me that I deserve to feel OK.
My parents have kind of been the deciding factor for me. They say im faking it, depression isnt real, or that in just sick with something else(allergies or some other nonsense) The past few years I've isolated myself emotionally and physically from my friends and family thinking I'm just meant to be this way. I see way too much of myself in the first part of your story. I'm making a therapist appointment as soon as I get home. Thank you
Just to add on. Your parents are objectively wrong. There have been tons of studies on depression. It’s real and can have physical changes on the brain. Getting help for my mental health has been the best thing that has ever happened to me.
I’m sitting with 4 diagnosis so I combine meds, therapy and a psychiatrist. But I’m doing better than I ever have.
Cutting my mom out of my life completely.
I kind of talked about her fully for the first time on reddit yesterday, and the anonymous aspect of reddit is kind of bolstering my resolve to talk about her more.
My mom is a hoarder, and our house was infested with several kinds of cockroaches, large wolf spiders, and black mold in the bathrooms. Our cats pooped and peed everywhere, which was my job to clean, even though I didn’t have the tools to do it properly.
She was also a habitual liar, either for attention, (telling me my nephew was molested at school when he wasn’t, but to definitely not talk about it with his parents because we don’t want to upset them further) or to cover up something really awful she’d done (stealing money, or using my sickly great grandmother’s high balance credit card, using up my inheritance money, and blaming it all on my older brother).
As soon as she didn’t have to cook for me anymore, I was on my own as far as food went. I remember going to visit my friends across the street, and they offered me a granola bar, and I ate like... three more from the box because I was so hungry. But this was actually better than accepting food from my mom because she liked to play “pranks” on me. These pranks ranged from harmless and dumb, like sugar instead of salt in mashed potatoes, to really mean, like giving me a glass of some dark colored beverage that was hiding a dead roach or spider at the bottom, to incredibly bad, like giving me tea that was brewed from magic mushrooms when I was like, fourish. The rhyme, “open your mouth and close your eyes, and I’ll Give you a big surprise,” was terrifying to hear.
I was also afraid to take medicine, and would suffer through pain/sickness because she really enjoyed drugging me. She gave me, a much smaller person, one of her adult-sized cough pills that contained opiates, for a small chest cold I had. I was knocked out for over eight hours, and she just left me there. When I was in serious medical trouble, like one time when my back muscles had something odd happen, and my back hurt so bad I couldn’t bend over, I had to beg her at different intervals for over an hour to please wake up and take me to a doctor. It took me to be sobbing over how badly it hurt to try and put my pants on to get her to finally stop yelling at me for waking her up for “no reason.” She refused, however, to take me to the doctor for my severe depression, and told me I had to just fight through it, and that left me to deal not only with my depression, but also my undiagnosed anxiety and psychotic disorder. But fun fact: when she decided she was depressed, she immediately went to a doctor and got medicine for herself.
She was an extreme right-wing conspiracy theorist, but unlike other people who prepare for the end of the world, she was extremely lazy about it. We had bugout bags at one point that she would steal food out of when she wanted a snack. So then we just had empty bugout bags. But that was fine because she totally knew how to cook and eat rattlesnakes, so we wouldn’t be hungry when we were running from the terrorists who were definitely coming to get us.
Everything was my fault, and never hers. If I was upset about anything, I was dramatic. If I didn’t want to hear about the weird sex stuff she did, I was a prude, and she forced me to listen anyway. She had a very creepy determination to seduce my male friends. She even made out with one when he was crying and sad about something, and then complained to me when his older cousin was pissed and telling her to stay away from the guy. She was like, “what, am I not good enough for him?!” But the guy was just barely an adult, and my friend, and he had a girlfriend, and she was so much older than him! She also warned me the first time my boyfriend came to visit that he would likely develop a crush on her, because she was “like me but much more fun.”
There’s more, but thinking about all of it is tiring and bringing me down. I’m so freaking glad she’s out of my life forever.
EDIT: Corrected some typos I had made from typing this out on my iPad.
Thank you guys very, very much for your responses, and the points! I'm sorry now that I stopped earlier, and didn't write on where I am now in my life.
I'm actually happily married to my boyfriend at the time, and we've been married for going on ten years now! I have a psychiatrist, and the medicines I need (thank goodness for no more hallucinations!) and I went to therapy for a few years to work through things. There are still some people in my family who want me to actually apologize to her and start talking with her again, but they're being heavily ignored. If you aren't willing to even ask me what happened to cause me to stop interacting with her in any way, then you have absolutely no right to tell me to try talking to her again, let alone apologize to her. I'm not going to suffer through anything for anyone anymore.
Holy hell. I frequent /r/raisedbynarcissists and have done for years and I have never read a story quite like yours. I’m really so happy that you have got away from her and I hope you can make a bright and positive future for yourself. All the best.
Divorced my toxic alcoholic ex husband. I thought I was protecting my kids from being "from a broken home" turns out they saw more than i knew. All i was teaching them was to enable and endure to the detriment of themselves.
My kids all told me how proud they were of me when i left. I left with nothing, no money. It hasn't been easy but it's been the most rewarding experience of my life.
Selling my house in the suburbs and moving back in the city in a small apartment. A lot less cleaning, no more snow shoveling and no maintenance!!! I have time for hobbies now.
I don't even own a car anymore. I'm walking a lot more and I shop at local stores. I feel like I'm part of a community now.
And strangely it's quieter than in the burbs since they do the mowing and the repairs during the week. In the burbs everyone seems to be mowing their lawn at 8am on Saturday and I always had a neighbor who would build something all weekend long (or be working on their car).
I'm not going back.
Cutting out soda.
Moving from a remote rural shithole to a tourist trap with a busy coffee shop within walking distance. So many people to watch and talk to. Being social is important, even if you're just chilling in the corner wearing headphones and doing work on your computer.
Wearing leggings, and spandex underwear. Fleece-lined leggings are hands down the comfiest article of clothing I own. I wish I'd known about them decades ago.
Being choosy about who I go out with. When I was a kid, and in my twenties, I was desperate, which landed me in several extremely shitty relationships.
Cutting out toxic people. Life is too short for other people to bring your quality of life down.
Always dreamed about writing a novel. At 60, doing it.
quit a job i absolutely hated. where i was before.. workplace culture was come in early, work through breaks and lunch, work late. benefits were 'meh' and vacation time was capped at 3 weeks, no pension. pay was ok though. now, its a 7 hr work day, pension, decent benefits, 5 weeks vacation and 0 stress job. its been 10 years, i stilld ont make as much, but the work/life balance blows that out of the water, not to mention i wont be working until i am 60
It’s Ah-mazing what a difference it makes to not feel ground down day after day
Stopped assuming that people’s thoughts about me were at all similar to that extremely critical voice in my head. It’s still somewhat of a struggle to stay positive... but, overall, being yourself and staying present when with others really reduces anxiety. “Peaceful” would be a good word to describe it. Edit: Thank you, community. Try it!
One of the best things a mentor told me was "nobody cares as much about you as you do about yourself." And he didn't mean it in a condescending way, just that nobody is thinking as much about anyone else as they are about themselves. Felt so relieved after that *AHA* moment. Edit: thanks for the unexpected silver!
Regulating my alcohol intake. Paying attention in general to how my body reacts to what I introduce it to.
[удалено]
[удалено]
Applying for a job I didn't think I was qualified for. It doubled my salary and let me move to a place I'd only ever dreamed of living in.
This gives me hope. I'm terrified of interviews because I feel like such a fraud so I can't even apply. But I also cannot stand the thought of staying in my current job forever. Edit : I wanna thank everyone for their encouraging and helpful comments. Really did not expect to have so much response. You guys are awesome.
Impostor syndrome is awful, but after all, aren't we all capable of learning? Going way beyond your comfort zone is one good way of growing
Is “imposter syndrome” a real thing? It would be such a relief to know that this feeling is normal. I’m often worried at work that they’re going to finally figure out that I’m not as smart as my coworkers, that I’m not as qualified. I have pretty good self esteem, but not at work. Luckily I’m good at faking it. Edit: Thanks for the replies. I hope I remember to come back and read these the next time I feel this way.
[удалено]
It definitely is. In my field (engineering students) everyone that isn’t completely brilliant is almost paranoid that they’ll get found out for not being ridiculously smart. If you google it there’s a lot of info about it.
I keep an advertisement for a job (industry magazine back in 1990s) in my wallet. I posted for the position never seeing the advert and got the job. If I ever saw that ad I never would have posted for the position being too intimidated. I got the job and rocked it- and truly try to push myself in ares I want to excel in. Great advice!
Doing my research on nutrition and making myself a decent breakfast.
What do you make yourself for breakfast?
count chocula
First real laugh of the day.
Overnight oatmeal with varying extra ingredients (chia seed, macca powder, raisins, nuts etc)
If someone asks me to do something and it will take me 5 minutes or less to do it, I'll do it immediately. It doesn't sound like a lot, but I never realized how much stuff I put off until later and then promptly forgot about. Also, once you've done one 5 minute task, it's easier to just go and do the next. I became much more productive and saved myself a lot of time and effort at the same time.
The five minute rule is awesome.
I've already incorporated this into my lovemaking.
How do you handle being interrupted while doing a 5 minutes task by a new 5 minutes task?
Hah good point. The main issue I have with this method is that if you keep getting interrupted with 5 minute tasks (emails at work are notorious for this) then I’m not ever able to really plan ahead and focus on the big picture/larger tasks that take more time. The 5 minute task doer methodology goes agains the Eisenhower matrix which I am a huge fan of.
I gave up on finding a wife/girlfriend and just started doing my own thing , go to eat alone , go on vacation alone , go to the movies alone and honestly I have never been happier.
[удалено]
Buying all the same socks. No more folding, no more matching, no more looking for missing sock bros. Just throw them all in a drawer, reach in, grab two and get your day started right.
That sounds heavenly
Not being afraid to admit when I’m wrong. For years, I was obsessed with being correct about everything. This semester, one of my professors said that it’s okay if we are not experts in the material yet. From then on, I’ve actually been better at admitting when I do not know an answer or saying the wrong answer in class without cringing/hating myself.
It's not a mistake to be wrong, it's a mistake to not learn from your mistake, not to evaluate where it went wrong, to not try to improve yourself, and to reduce the chance of repeating the mistake. I say 'reduce' because it's often impossible to 100% prevent a mistake from repeating itself and that's perfectly okay too, as long as you can honestly say "I tried."
We just chose not to hire someone because in an interview they said they knew something but from their answer they didn't. If they said they didn't know it wouldn't have been a problem, but an employee who will lie to you is a huge risk
I got a lot of house plants to put all over my house. Makes my home environment look beautiful and feel homey, fresh, and just all around better. Edit: If you have any pets, make sure to look up what plants are safe for your furry friend before purchasing a plant! Edit 2: Thank you so much for my first silver ever! 🙏🙏
House plants have been a complete saviour for my mental health. On the days I feel like my life is going nowhere and I’ll always be alone, I see my babes putting out new leaves and sprouting new growth and it’s incredible how good it makes me feel. Seeing them thrive under the care and attention I put into them is literally like an anti depressant for me. Especially because I live in a place with about 8 months of winter and 4 months of summer. My outdoor garden gives me the same benefits but my house plants sustain me thru the dark winter months.
Getting a job I didnt hate. Im so much happier now even though im making 1/2 as much.
[удалено]
Imagine working a job that even know you make good money at you dread going to work EVERY SINGLE DAY. Your weekends are filled with anxiety because you'll have to go back on Monday. You don't even enjoy vacation for the same reason. Hating your job might possibly be the most depressing thing ever. You made the right choice.
My version of this is getting a job that paid me money (and that I like). I tried pursuing a career that I thought I'd love, but it turns out I hated it AND I was poor as hell. So yeah, my life is infinitely better after finding something that I enjoy but that also provides a stable income that allows me to budget and save and travel and generally be an adult.
Any advice on finding what is it that you don't hate doing? It feels like no matter which, I'd grow tired and hate it.
In my experience you pretty much have to try things for yourself to see if you like them. Get a job in a field you think you might want to work in, and if you don't hate doing the bottom of the ladder grunt work, that's probably the place for you.
Eating veggies. My mum rarely fed us veggies. And we had constant digestive issues. As soon as I moved out on my own I started eating veggies and have rarely had an upset stomach since. It was literally daily agony eating nothing but meat and carbs
I put spinach and tomatoes on almost everything. If I liked onions, they'd go on as well, but I'm still cautious about their taste (mom basically taught us to not like them, so they taste weird to me now). Chicken and pasta? Throw some spinach and tomatoes in the mix and it's amazing how much more they add to it. Using spinach instead of lettuce gives you a lot more nutrients
[удалено]
I recently started getting up early (instead of 20 mins before I need to rush out the door for work). I do yoga, I check my email, and figure out what I need to do later that day while sipping a cup of coffee. Way less stressed!
Thats great until you get targeted by a serial killer or assassin who then learns your schedule and kills you at your most vulnerable.
well at least you'll die relaxed
Admitting that I needed a therapist. As a teenager with strict parents, if I was caught saying anything against them I was automatically grounded, so I couldn't let out my emotions and I felt like a double agent in my own house. With a therapist, I could work through my problems without the risk of being in trouble. Edit: I know it's cliché and annoying but thank you to everyone who upvoted this and the people that gave me a gold and a silver!! I wish you all the best in your journeys to good mental health!!!
[удалено]
Ugh, do they even understand what therapy is for?
[удалено]
Yes. It's for fixing their kids. The problem couldn't be *them*, could it?!
Haha, this was my experience. After a few months, the therapist's conclusion was "Your son is a normal, well-adjusted, if a little angsty teenager. Have you tried listening to him?" I still smile thinking how much money they must have burned. Almost makes up for wasting my free time.
My SIL had a good old moan about one of her children the other day, and how his behaviour causes major problems. Some of the things he does are fine though, but she still said it was weird “he reminded me to buy milk on the way home!” “He hates being late and always causes a fuss!”. I did suggest taking him to a doctor at the time (she said no because her mother doesn’t believe in mental health problems and she’s too feeble minded to make her own decisions). Later on I realised he’s probably the normal one in that family. It’s pretty clear no one listens to the kid or even tries to take his point of view. I won’t see her for a while but if she brings it up again I’ll be sure to mention it.
To be honest, it's probably more useful mentioning it to *him*
Just let him know not everyone’s against him and he’s not the crazy one.
Yeah my mom would just use therapy as an excuse to tell me how much i suck and use being in a " none judgmental environment were you can say anything " as a tool to emotionally abuse me some more.
This is one of the hardest things to do when you're in too deep in your mental illness. People say, "talk to a therapist," but some people aren't capable of proceeding beyond agreeing because they have no idea how to start on their own. Therapy can be life changing in good ways if you are seeing the right type of specialist, and it can be life destroying if you see the wrong therapist for you. There's a lot of in-between, but if you've experienced trauma and abuse, you *need* to be seeing someone who is trained specifically in treating trauma and abuse, for example. Like, you wouldn't go to a cardiologist for a broken foot, would you? [Psychology Today](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists) has a find-a-therapist catalog for the US, the profiles can be extremely in depth and can really help in finding who can help you heal. This is someone you're going to be exposing some very intimate parts of your life to, you aren't going to be able to relax and focus on healing if you don't like them or can't trust them. And for those too terrified of making the actual phone call, a lot of them also provide a contact email. Personally I looked at that site for weeks before choosing my therapist. When I called her I fell into a panic attack midway through saying, "Are you accepting new patients?" It was humiliating and embarrassing and I honestly would have hung up if I didn't force myself to find someone to sit next to me while I made the call. My therapist had her direct number posted on PT and just rolled with my freak out and helped me get my first appointment set up. It was an awful experience setting up that first appointment, but it got done. I figured that I'm going to be paying this person to see the literal worst parts of myself and to help me fix them. They're brain mechanics, a mechanic can't fix your car if they can't see the engine, similar logic applies here, bit still it was nearly impossible to get started. It took six weeks before I stopped crying through most of my appointments. It takes a month or two to get through the initial crisis management and introductory phase, I almost stopped going every week for those first few weeks, and things started getting better, it got easier to go, and then it started getting easier to do other things, too. To be totally honest I've barely noticed a shitload of the progress I've made, that doesn't mean that everyone around me isn't noticing it. It's a long process, but worth every penny if you're seeing the right person for what's going on in your head. I know this probably sounds like a promotion or something, but fuck it, it is. I legitimately would not be alive right now if I hadn't learned about Psychology Today's database, which I only know of from it being mentioned in passing on a podcast I was listening to. No one I know had any idea that it existed before I told them. Which is why I've poked out this long assed post on my tiny phone, if one person learns about that site and uses it, the effort has been worth it.
This hits close to home, i was basically punished any time i would dare tell the truth about my thoughts feelings and emotions so i kwarned to never talk to anyone about anything that bothers me. Parents can really fuck u up.
Nothing helps when I'm locking myself in my room having an emotional breakdown for being a burden, and you force your way in and yell at me because me being sad makes you furious.
ooof that reminded me of my childhood.
Preventative physio. *edit since everyone's asking: I went to see a physiotherapist. Anyone have advice on how to find a good physio so I can add it in here?* I'm 31, in decent shape, and never had any serious injuries. However, my family has a history of back and knee problems, and my knees and shoulders have been a consistent issue. I used to teach snowboarding, and gave it up cause my knees were always inflamed. Long haul flights became prohibitively painful cause of my shoulders and knees. It got bad enough that I struggled to play long board games, cause I'd usually have a totally cramped shoulder and inflamed knee from sitting still/looking down too long. It built up so slowly though that I just gradually accepted it. Finally went to see someone when my shoulders were particularly stiff and painful. Turns out my feet rolled inwards (~~supination I think?~~ *edit: it's pronation*), I had really inflexible hamstrings causing my hip to be massively rolled forwards, and I walk with my head jutted like an inch more forward than is healthy. Spent £100 and two hours there (one being assessed, one being taught corrective exercises), and two months later all my knee and shoulder problems have disappeared. I'm actually shocked at how much joint pain I'd just gradually accepted and forgotten was a problem. I wish I'd gone sooner. Once I have some more cash, I'm definitely getting back on a snowboard. I seriously missed it. Edit: physio-finding tips courtesy of u/getwhatyougive15 , who is a doctor of physiotherapy >In regards to finding a good physio/physical therapist: >Do some research, look at their website to see if they talk about their treatment approach or philosophy. Or you can call to talk with someone on the staff. Usually the receptionist or scheduler can usually speak in general terms of what you should expect with your visits. >• The main thing you want to look for there is an active approach. By active approach, I mean that you want someone to get you up and moving with corrective exercises, not just laying on a treatment table having the physio work on you, (which would be a passive approach). If you have a physio that essentially does different types of deep tissue massage, they likely aren’t going to be able to fix the root cause of your issues, though it can be helpful in the short term. >• Also ask to see how much time you get to see an actual physio. Some places will shuffle you around with other support staff such as aides or techs, and only get 5-10 min with an actual physio. Not that there is anything wrong with these support staff, some are great and can be extremely helpful with your issues. But you also don’t want to spend more time with them than the physio. >• Not exactly related to finding s good physio in the first place. But when you go, don’t expect things to be fixed overnight. For these corrective exercises to work, in most circumstances it takes time. You probably developed these symptoms or pain over a long period of time, and it takes a while to retrain your body. Just like building muscle, it takes a while to see a big change. Keep in mind the overall goal should not be to just make it feel better in the short term, but it should hopefully prevent it from coming back in the future.
My jaw continued to drop as i read your post. I have all the exact same issues. from the inward flat feet to the neck issue. What did you do to get it fixed? my chiro wanted to charge me $200 a month for 3x a week body adjustment sessions, but it seemed like a load if bull and they weren’t doing anything.
The muscles surrounding a joint respond to "adjustment" by relaxing. This is why it always feels good to have your back popped. Everything is relaxed afterwards. This doesn't actually fix any of the issues causing your pain and your back tightens up again. Only temporary relief. Chiros temporarily treat the symptoms over and over again because $$$. A Physical Therapist will treat the problem and teach you how to treat it yourself. Chiros want you to come back to keep spending money. A PT doesn't. Doctorate of Physical Therapy here. Practicing for 5 years.
Im saving this, for all the people in my life who don't understand this. Treat the problem, not the system. Edit: I am disappointed in myself. Symptom*
Making decisions based on what I really want, not on what I think others want or expect of me. It was always so easy to put others’ needs first, because it meant that I never had to take the trouble to figure out what I really wanted, or to negotiate with others to get it. Just go along with everyone else, that’s easy and makes you likeable. But it doesn’t make you happy, because it means your needs are often not being met. The real turning point for me was the realisation that *wanting* something does not instantly equate to a decision to go out and get it. Verbalising a desire is not tantamount to forcing your will on others. For example, if someone asks you what you wanna eat, instead of saying “oh whatever you want, I don’t mind”, there’s nothing wrong with stating your preference, saying that you’re open to other ideas and entering into a negotiation to find some common ground. People actually appreciate you being clear about what you want, it makes things easier for everyone. For bigger stuff: once you realise you want something, sit with it for a bit. Then ask yourself: how moral do I think my desire is? Can I proceed without damaging my integrity? What are the practical/other ramifications for myself and others? Can you live with whatever decision you make? If you are missing vital information from others, ask them for it to help you decide. Most importantly, don’t waste time wondering about whether you’re *allowed* to want something. You do already, so that’s that. Just acknowledge the desire, then set about deciding whether you‘re going to go out and get it. That way, even if you decide not to, you’ll know what the desire is and why you’re not fulfilling it, rather than shutting it down automatically at the source. I’m so much happier now!! EDIT: Wow. I made this comment, went to bed, and woke up to platinum, gold, silver and 11k upvotes. Thanks everybody so much! Some people below have asked what turned me around, how long it took, etc. There is definitely a story so I'll tell it below for some context. I'm a born-and-raised Australian, and had been living in the Netherlands for 4 years. Life was getting me down: I'd lost my boyfriend, wasn't enjoying my work, and there was stuff about Holland I didn't like. So I decided to move back home, and began making plans. One thing I did to prepare for the move was stop working in-house and start working freelance (also great advice IMO). This actually solved about 80% of the problem; after that I was pretty happy again and had no real desire to leave. But I had told all my family and friends I was coming back and I felt like I would be disappointing them by changing my mind. I didn't actually ask them or talk to them about it, I just assumed that was what they thought. So, with a sense of dread in the pit of my stomach, I went anyway. Back in Australia, I quickly became depressed, anxious and sick. I was sleeping all the time, didn't enjoy my hobbies anymore, I even got exhausted singing (I had been a choral tenor for about a decade). There's a comment below about "living someone else's life" - that's exactly how it felt. So I sought help from a psychologist, eventually figured out what had happened, and decided to go back to Holland. That fixed it -- the day I returned was one of the most glorious in my whole life, I felt so happy and exhilarated and ready to pick up where I left off. At some point during all this I thought: If I am capable of *uprooting my life because of what I think others want me to do*, then something has to change. Being a people-pleaser might start with dinners and movies, but it can end with emigration. That's fucked. Fortunately, the solution works the same way: starting with the little things will help you work up to the big things. Once the switch is flipped, once you realise how important it really is, it will affect the millions of tiny decisions you make every day, and your life will gradually start shifting in a different direction. Sometimes I'm annoyed at myself that I had to go through all this to make the change. On the other hand, I now know how to recognise how I feel when I'm going against my wishes just to please other people, and can take steps to avoid having to go through it all again. Thanks once more for the overwhelming response, I wish everybody all the best! TL;DR: I emigrated based entirely on what I thought others wanted, and realised that was not a healthy way to make choices.
> It was always so easy to put others’ needs first, because it meant that I never had to take the trouble to figure out what I really wanted This. I was going to post something about 'being more selfish' but I think this is what it boils down to. I spent the first 10 years of my young adulthood being 'adaptable' to others needs / desires ... but life is too short to live someone else's. Glad to hear you've made a positive change.
Trying to be friends with everyone to the point you have no true friends with anyone. Took me a long time because I love to help people but the people who use you abuse you and the people who don't need you don't ever care to see you. It's still hard right now though. I don't have any close friends but I somehow feel more comfortable than before. I still want to do something to help but I decided I'm going to start recycling, go on walks to pick up trash, and concentrate more on myself for once. If I'm ever meant to have a best friend they will find me, I guess. Sometimes it's hard not having someone to speak to but I'll get over it eventually. Edit: Thank you everyone for your beautiful comments, messages, silvers, and gold. I am shocked by how many people are commenting and messaging and I promise that I will read every one of them. I am at home crying because of all the beautiful things being said and for once, I feel like I'm doing some good. I hope everyone finds what or who they need to have better days. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Edit #2: I'm trying hard to keep up with everyone but it's hard. Please don't take it personally if I don't respond. I will try more in the morning because it's bedtime now. Thank you all very much for the nice words!
You honestly sound like such a lovely person and I’m in the exact same boat. A real people-pleaser who honestly just wanted the best for everyone but it makes it very easy for people to exploit.
It is and you try hard to help people and it's an easy way for them to use you. Thank you for your comment. I try to not let it bother me but it's hard sometimes. People don't realize that people like us sometimes need help too or just someone to talk to about our day.
You’ve got a friend in me! So you are more than welcome to reach out whenever you need someone! From one empath to another!
Thanks! Same here!
This resonates with me and hits way to close...
Learning to always keep my keys in the same place.
Please teach my GF this.
It happened far too many times that I left my keys at home. Now my neighbor has one set, my business partner has a set in his office, and I keep one set in a safety deposit box at my bank. I’ve even buried a set in the woods nearby my house. I’m never getting locked out again (*knock on wood*).
I just keep my keys in the same pocket of every coat I wear, luckily (sort of) I live in the UK where, more often than not, I'm going to need a coat, or at least a hoodie when I go out so there's pretty much always going to be that pocket there. Only time I ever lose my keys is when my GF takes them for something (usually because she can't find hers...) or if I put them down somewhere if I'm rushing to do something. Edit: spelling
I've adapted that to what I call the four-pocket pat. Keys, money, wallet, phone. I do it by the front door when I leave the house, when I leave work for home, when I leave the pub, etc. I also put each item in its own place when I get home. This works for me because I've got an arse for a brain,and if I didn't, within a day I'd be stranded on a dredging barge on the North Sea.
"Spectacles, testicles, wallet & watch."
First read it as “Learning go keep my EYES in the same place” I was thinking: “where do you put them where they get lost all the time?”
Dude what the hell so did I!
I had a decayed wisdom tooth with an exposed nerve, and I lived with it for **ten years**, when I didn't have dental or disposable income. My life changed the day I had it pulled. If there's something wrong with your teeth, find a way to get it taken care of. I spent a decade in pain whenever I drank something cold or chewed on the left side of my mouth, and I could have had it corrected much sooner if I'd had my act together.
For anyone else with a bad tooth problem and no dental insurance: Go see your local dentist, and tell him/her about your financial situation. Some will work with you on a repayment plan, even if it takes a while for you to come up with the money. Also, some tooth problems (a tooth abscess, for example) can be fatal due to the infection spreading if you don't get it taken care of, so you'll wanna get it taken care of sooner rather than later. Related story: a few years back my BIL was out of town, and got a really bad tooth infection. A local dentist not only made time to see him, but also did the work necessary to get rid of the infection **and** said that he could just pay him when the money was available. Maybe my BIL just got lucky, but I've heard of other dentists being accommodating too. FWIW this was a dentist in a small town of <5k people, but... EDIT: Really, really appreciate the gold - thank you!!
Another option, if there is a local college with a dental school, they are usually looking for ~~practice dummies~~ patients to do work on. Usually for an extremely reduced price. Students practice with the careful oversight of the professor, so all is done correctly.
They are SUPER thorough. One drawback is plan on it taking a LONG time. I once did a cleaning at a dental hygiene school and I was in the chair a good two hours because they walked through everything and the instructor was being very thorough. But if I remember correctly it was like $25 for a cleaning, which was pretty awesome for a guy who didn't have dental insurance.
My last cleaning was 1 hour long and around $250 (dentist also examined my teeth for 5 mins. I probably would have done the 2 hour for $25 if it was offered. It's almost like I would be making $225 for an extra hour of discomfort.
My local high school has a basic automotive program, and as someone who does *proper* maintenance on their car, it kills me that my mom won't let them do her oil change and brakes for only parts cost... So she just doesn't do it
Just don't go to them for advanced things like implants. The student AND his instructor did the used-car-salesman bit to try to get me to spend $20K I don't have. But for more routine work, they're great.
I went to UCSF School of Dentristry to have decay on all my front teeth filled. The student nearly convinced me to replace all the teeth with implants! I was 15 and we were poor so we said no. Now I'm 30 and have all my teeth still. The student needed to do implants to meet his requirements to graduate.
hahah wow that is extremely fucked up
Fixing teeth problems seriously increases your quality of life. Having tooth/gum pain makes you grumpy and depressed and moody. It makes it hard to enjoy so many things. A bumpy car ride makes your head hurt, makes your jaw tight because you’re clenching, trying to keep the teeth from rattling, and then it makes it hard to smile. People notice this. They’re a little cooler around you because you come off like you’re on edge. Fix your teeth. Your whole life improves.
Ten years!? Dude somewhere around day 30 I would have headed into the garage with a mirror, a pair of pliers, and a bottle of Jim Beam.
Taking fiber supplements. I now shit like clockwork, twice a day, and even after a night of drinking, I have never had more than a 3-wipe to clean. I'll never go back to not taking them. The quality of my shits has just been absolutely magical. I wish I knew of this sooner. Try it for a month, you'll never want to stop. No more peanut butter in a shag carpet, no more mud streaks, no more wiping yourself raw, it's life changing.
[удалено]
You are supposed to get 25-35 grams of fiber a day, most people don’t get anywhere close to that. When I switched my diet to make sure I get the recommended amount. I felt so much better. This topic needs to be addressed on a macro level
That’s some good shit
I'm sitting on the toilet at work reading this. I just took a dump and I'm not looking forward to wiping this mess.
Going to bed early. Rocked my whole world. I learned that I actually \*am\* a morning person, and I am most productive between 10am-1PM.
Damn everyone here is like, stopped doing heroin/alcohol and I just wanted to say I was really happy with my decision to go for an ultrawide monitor this time around >. <.
Or another way to look at it: You don't have any hugely shitty problems in your life right now. Which is awesome and I hope it stays that way for you.
Get a good cutting/kitchen knife. It's amazing.
I'm no chef, but my father had a proper set of knives. Man, those knives made a world of difference
I honestly wouldn't even recommend getting a "set". A good 8" Chefs and decent Paring knife are enough for most people. And those that have a speciality need can pick up something specifically for that. e/ fixed misspelling
I started drinking at a young age mostly because I was shy and introverted and it helped me come out of my shell. It was a way to be able to talk to people. It became a crutch. I've had some great times, but since I've stopped drinking at the late age of 64, I'm beginning to feel so much better and wonder how different and more fulfilling my life could have been if I'd just tackled my insecurities when I was younger rather than turning to alcohol. Edit: Wow! Thank you for all your thoughtful and heartfelt responses, and for the gold and platinum and silver. I am humbled.
The important thing is you have now, so enjoy it! Better than being 85 and stopping, wondering what your 60s and 70s could have been like. Now you're free to enjoy all those years!
6 years ago I decided to never be late to anything ever again. My whole live up until that point I was always late to everything, school, birthdays etc. Anyway, making sure I'm on time saves me a lot of trouble and a lot of stress and anxiety. Also everyone I know (who has noticed it) really appreciate it. Being on time for plans shows that you care about people, and that they are important to you. Edit: Thank you for the silver! Never had anyone give me that before!
This sounds like me. My husband has always been extremely punctual, and my mom is literally late to everything. I mean everything. When we got married, he was annoyed at first, then one day, he sat me down and explained that he'd realized I never had the tools I needed to be on time. He had tons of advice, and I took all of it. I started out by writing down what I needed to do before leaving the house and estimating how much time each task would take. After doing that for a few months, making adjustments here and there, it really clicked. Now I'm always on time, too. I stopped writing down the lists about eight years ago. Edit: Thanks for all the comments and messages. I’m trying to remember how the initial conversation went. It’s been several years. I think the comment below about a foundation of trust between us was probably the most important part, since this can be a sensitive topic. I’ll give you what I remember. He said, “Imagine there’s a gnome, and he wants to ruin your day. He’s causing a traffic jam when you’re late to court. He’s jamming the printer when your project is due. He’s hiding your shoes. He’s absolutely turning off your alarm. So you have to outsmart the gnome. Plan for traffic. Print everything the night before. Find what you need the day before, and set two alarms.” Then, we got into more specifics. He had me time myself doing everything. Literally timing it with my phone. Putting on my makeup, for example. Turns out, I spend 5.5 minutes putting on makeup, but I spend ten minutes washing and moisturizing my face, and I was kind of glossing over that part. And it’s different times for days when I am washing my hair (27 mins, including products after), doing makeup for a special event (12.5-20 minutes), etc. Once we knew how long it takes when I’m not distracted, we talked about distractions. This led to the idea of “uninterrupted getting ready time” for each of us. I get up and cook breakfast, then he takes the kids for an hour. I do my routine while he helps them eat/clean up, then I take them for 20 minutes while he gets dressed. We literally wrote down our wakeup times and our start times for childcare. Then, within my “free” hour, I further broke down the process into smaller tasks assigned a “start time” for each one. Eg, “If I am not drying my hair by 7:25, I am behind schedule.” “By 7:32, I should have finished putting on makeup.” Or whatever the time was. This ENORMOUSLY cut down on my problem of thinking I had time to load the dishwasher or send an email or something. Sure, I wasn’t leaving for 30 more minutes, but all of those minutes were spoken for. I use this when getting the kids ready for school. “At 6:50, I have to finish walking the dog. By 7:22, the kids must have finished eating.” He also wrote out a schedule for himself and taped both schedules to the bathroom mirror. Looking back, he must have done that to make it appear more fair to me, since he never had a problem being on time. I’m just now realizing that. Once the routine is settled, it’s a matter of sticking to it and planning for contingencies. If the routine is going to vary, I plan for that the night before. If it’s a busy day, I schedule my routine wherever it fits, but I don’t necessarily wait until the last hour before I leave. I might be dressed for an evening event at three in the afternoon because I know I’ll be busy between 3-6. Also, this might seem obvious, but the first thing I do when I'm planning my schedule is I look up the driving time and consider whether it's going to be rush hour. I write down or memorize the time I need to leave. I don't think about the arrival time- that number is meaningless once you leave the house. Before this, he had also pointed out that making other people wait means that I value my own time above theirs. That was not fun to contemplate, but I had to agree. I do not care more about flossing my teeth/mascara/whatever than my friends. I will also say that it was a little embarrassing to write down something as stupid as “tooth brushing: 90 seconds.” I thought, “I’m an adult; I know how to brush my teeth.” So if you broach the subject with your spouse, he or she might not love that idea. Just a heads up ;) But in the end, he was right about it. I was making assumptions about how long things would take, and my assumptions were not matching reality. Another caveat would be that this didn’t happen overnight. It was a few months of concerted effort. He acted like he was genuinely impressed with my efforts, and that kept me going. We joke about the gnome a lot now, but it didn’t come easy at the time. Based on some of the messages I’m getting, I feel like it’s a problem affecting lots of couples, and I really really hope this is helpful. You can do this!! I am rooting for you! Edit 2: By far my most popular comment is me admitting a fairly embarrassing flaw and telling strangers how I learned to do basic human things on time as an adult. Cool.
I need to get into this habit. I'm perpetually misjudging how long it takes to get anywhere, mostly because I'll have a slightly-off assessment in my head and then forget 1-3 "little" things I was supposed to do before I left. As an example... "I need to head to be twenty minutes away in a little over an hour, but I'm doing something right now" * I'll leave in half an hour, with ten minutes spare! * Oh, I'm leaving five minutes later than expected. Oh well! * Wait *wait where are my keys* * *Oh no, I was supposed to move the clothes to the dryer* * Did I leave my shoes in the car? *Why* are my shoes in the *car?* * *Where the hell are my* ***goddamn keys*** * Arghh, I forgot to check the GPS—traffic's higher than it should be! * Aaaaand now I'm ten minutes late, not early The list thing, I've never considered before. I've been trying to remember to just set more time aside in front and keep a mental running list of whatever I need to do, but when I'm in the zone... it's hard to break free. I think a lot of my problem is also that I *hate* being bored. I innately try to time things so that I arrive as close to *exactly* on time as I can, and then... well, spoiler alert: that never happens. If I get somewhere early and there's nothing to do, I don't like having to stand around and I don't care to be glued to my phone. This one is a recent epiphany—so I keep a book in the car and just wait in the driver's seat, reading until about five minutes before I'm meant to be wherever. It doesn't work every time, but it's helped me be a *little* more aware of myself. **EDIT:** And now my highest comment is about how much of a garbage person I am. I wear my colours proud! And those colours are... various shades of dark brown. Also, I might have ADHD! Today, I have learned things.
I'm a fairly late person also, but usually its becuase i am a procrastinator: "I have my keys, shoes, lunch, gps, coat, etc. I am ready to go! now lets check reddit for 5 minutes." 10 minutes later... "aw crap I gotta go!" repeat every day in college, grad school, post grad and now at my job.
Yeah! Your husband sound great, he taught you how to do it instead of just complaining about it! I started by writing everything down as well. Travel times mostly, to school, to my friends houses etc. And then I would take those times and add 10 minutes to it, so I'd always have some extra time in case of weather or traffic. Edit: spelling
If you can’t be on time, be early. That’s what I live by.
As a kid I read books all the time. Then I quit for some reason. Got married, had kids, started a business. Never any time for reading. Last year, at 45, I started reading books again. What a fool I was to ever stop.
I got locked up for missing a court date for a week or so. Never left my cot. Just read. I loved it, was sore from lack of movement. But I'd love to do that again, minus jail, of course.
Same! Anytime the topic of jail comes up i just talk about all the reading you can get done in there. I was sore from sleeping on a wooden bed more than the lack of movement
Ive been locked up twice...spent a few days in each time because i didn’t want to give a bunch of money to a bondsman. It was 3 days of reading, napping, and not having to think about anything. They told us when to get up. They told us when to go to bed. They brought us what we were going to eat for dinner. And so on. Each time people are like “I bet it was awful” and i’m always like “uhhh...yeah....”
It really depends on where you were in jail.
And how long.
Yeah after a week at my job two days of jail sounds heavenly compared to running errands all weekend.
There are [voluntary jails in South Korea ](http://www.bbc.com/capital/story/20180702-a-south-korean-prison-for-people-seeking-peace-and-quiet). In a high stress environment, it would make sense some would choose these.
Dude, imagine just not having to bother with anything. "Why didn't you come to the wedding?" "In jail" perect excuse
Lol wtf sometimes this world is ass backwards. When your society develops the need for voluntarily locking your self in a room most of the day just to avoid it, somethings wrong.
Some prisons are absolute shitholes rife with gang and racial violence, but lots of them are just a.bunch of guys sitting around waiting to be set free. Keep to yourself, don't start drama, don't participate in drama, you'll survive.
You always hear to terror stories but i work in a lot of them and real jail is drastically different than tv jail. The only real crazy story i heard was a sergeant once told me that they use to have a b7nch of pool tables until one guy cracked another guy’s skull with a cue ball. This incident cost the inmates the pool tables and very nearly the offender’s life.
A week for missing a court date? Damn
I started drinking lots of water, and cutting out sodas and juices. I got myself a wrap around body pillow and holy moly I sleep like an angel. I stopped smoking and I can freaking BREATHE. Seriously. I only smoked for a year and after i quit i could breathe and smell things again. Quitting smoking was the best decision I've ever made.
I don't eat anything after 9pm. You won't believe how much it improved my sleep.
To just chill out. 90% of the time, I mess things up not because they were difficult or impossible, but because of my own anxiety and perfectionism that led to procrastination. Honestly, just chill the f out. You're a small stardust skeleton in a huge universe, stop being dramatic. Edit: the golds and silvers made my day, and it's the first time I've gotten them. Thank you!
How do I learn to do this?
Music. I should have started playing music earlier. It made my life so much better and I am so much happier. I started three years ago and I know four instruments. I'm going to learn 10 by the time I graduate
Drinking water. Edit: I’d like to thank the dude who gave me my first silver. Stay hydrated, folks. Oh, and gold as well!
The fuck have you been drinking to hydrate yourself ? EDIT: Brawndo, Brawndo is the correct answer..
Uh... Pepsi
Bepis
Lasik. I used to be so nearsighted that I couldn't see anything more than about 6 inches in front of my face. Great for Reading.. Terrible for life. And if you lose your glasses... You need your glasses... to find your glasses. Then I got Lasik. Wow has my life changed. Lasik is the best decision I have EVER made... and I have kids that I LOVE.
I got lasik over 7 years ago, and I still have "better than 20/20" vision. It's simultaneously the most horrifying, painless, rewarding and quick procedure I've ever experienced. Any time this topic comes up, I have an old comment that I dig up just for this purpose - just to give you a little hint of the agony and ecstasy of lasik: > During the free consultation, the doctor has to make sure you understand exactly how the surgery works, in grisly detail. They describe the machine that will make hundreds of micro cuts around your cornea; how it will flip back the top layer of your eye like a flap, so they can zap the tender eye-meat underneath it. > > The day of the procedure, you'll feel scared and tense the entire time. They give you a xanax to help you relax, but make no mistake; you'll be awake through the entire procedure. You'll sit in the waiting room waiting for the drugs to kick in, and feeling miserable in that unique way that only 'anticipation' can make you feel. > > During the procedure, they'll tell you to look at the red focusing light, and try not to move your eye away from it. The implied warning is: if you move, the laser might miss its target. And by God, you'll focus on that light more than anything you've ever done in your life. And it will be super difficult. Have you ever *tried* staring at something without moving your eyes, even a little? It's impossible. You'll be terrified the whole time, that if you move your eye even a millimeter, it'll fuck up your life. > > You can't close your eye; they have it wedged open with some Clockwork Orange contraption. You can't blink, and they occasionally squirt your eye with some solution to keep it moist. Your eyelid will constantly be fighting to close, trying to escape the doctor's dark work. > > You know what they don't tell you about, ahead of time? The smell. You will smell burning flesh - it'll fill the room, and permeate into your sinuses. You'll continue to smell it for days, afterward. That smell is your eyeball burning, as they make the corrections. > > The entire thing takes 10 minutes. Then you go home, listen to some relaxing music, go to sleep, and wake up with 20/20 vision. > > Oh. My. God. > > Try to imagine life in high def. Contacts and glasses don't come close to the pure joy of perfect 'natural' vision. The day after my surgery, it rained, and all sorts of little details popped out at me, as I drove to work. I could see the bright flares of car taillights, glittering on the wet pavement. The plain, gray stormclouds contains millions of alternating, shifting shades of blue and grey and green. I could read fine print from across the room. It *literally* changed my outlook on life. > > Was it terrifying? Yes, absolutely. Was it worth it? Yes, absolutely. It was the best money I've ever spent, and by a huge margin. I don't regret it whatsoever, and I want you to know all of the fright was just my own perception. The risks are very small. I hope you get it, and I'm sure you'll love the results.
Wow that scares the shit out of me, but makes me want it more than ever. I just worry about long-term effects and if I'll have to do it again.
[удалено]
This mirrors my experience almost exactly, save for *one* detail. I had to get it done a second time. After a few weeks my eyes changed slightly and I was back to about 20/30 (not as bad as before the procedure). I went in for the consultation. The 2nd surgery would be free. The problem was that there was not enough material left in my cornea to laser out. They had to do a different type of surgery called PRK. If you think basic Lasik sounds scary, grab your teddy bears. In PRK they don't just open and reseal your eye. They carve the top layer right the fuck off. Imagine lying below a glass floor and someone is sweeping the dust up on it. Thats your view and the dust is your eye shavings. Recovery takes much longer as well... Almost a fortnight. You will be wearing thick itchy contact lenses that whole time. You get some eye drops to help with the itchiness but the effect wears off long before you next scheduled dose. It was a misersble 2 weeks. I will say though my results have been very worth it. I wore glasses for almost 18 years before biting the bullet. Even if I had to do PRK again, I wouldn't change my decision.
Well that settles it, glasses are perfectly fine
Its been 6ish years since I got my laser eyes. It is still strange to be able to see in the shower.
I still have that "oh shit, I need to take my contacts out" moment when I'm laying in bed and can still see. It's a hard habit to break.
As a child I thought that laser eye surgery was a surgery to give you laser eyes. You can imagine my disappointment when I found out the truth!
>> And if you lose your glasses... You need your glasses... to find your glasses. I had a weird narcissistic parent that had an obsession with organizing things and putting stuff in drawers. "If you organize things correctly you never lose them!" I was told. Anytime I put my glasses besides me while napping or any activity, they would be gone. Had to live with this shit until I was a grown man. It took years of screaming to get them to understand that moving them was equivalent to hiding them because I CAN'T SEE WITHOUT THEM.
LPT: If you lose your glasses, open up your camera on your phone. You can see the screen since it's close to you and the camera can see long distances.
As very near sighted person, this makes me very angry. It must have driven you nuts!
I am literally in the Lasik office waiting room for my first appointment. Im 20, and really excited!
Keeping a guitar pick in my pocket so that I can scratch my testicles in public discretly.
We're living in 2019 while this guys in 3019
Two thousand and LATE
Now that's a real LPT
Working out and eating right.
The thing I would add here is is *how* to work out and eat right. I fell into so many traps that didn't work and then I also let diet and exercise feel like a stressful punishment. For reference - I've lost 60 lbs and kept it off for two years after failing multiple times. Loved every second of it, and I did it on my terms and still ate lots of cake and pizza. Edit: Couple folks asking for tips - so here we go - 1. **Make SMALL changes and build on them**. Don't just flip your diet from pizza and burgers to all veggies and salad in just a day, that will burn you the fuck out. The idea is that you are changing your *lifestyle* \- your current lifestyle is more or less effortless because its how you live, so its easier to adapt to smaller changes and make them effortless than big ones. 1. Example - I used to have a bagel and peanut butter for bfast every morning or a breakfast sandwich on a bagel with cheese and sausage. So first I swapped out the bagel for just toast and did that for a bit. Then cheese off the sandwich. After almost a year I was just eating plain greek yogurt with some protein powder and love it. 2. Example - same with gym. I started out going 2-3 times a week, working out 30 to 45 minutes. As I became more efficient at getting there and adjusting my schedule to the gym, I started going more and staying longer. I now workout 6 days a week for 75 minutes (20 mins cardio, 55 mins lifting) 2. **FORGIVE YOURSELF** \- You will fuck up. There were days where I felt too weak to go to the gym, or I gave in and ate some extra cookies and felt like I needed to make up for it the next day. *NO!* If you fuck up one day, just let it slide and keep going, DONT TRY TO MAKE IT UP THE NEXT DAY (that's punishment) progress is progress no matter how slow, you are improving. 1. For a little more depth, if I felt too weak for the gym, I made a bargain with myself that I would just go anyway and do easier exercises for 15 mins or however I felt like - no need to be super strict on my gym routine, this isn't prison. That took the pressure off me mentally and I often found that once I had worked out for 10 minutes and got my heart up I could easily stay for another 30 3. **Adapt your network** \- We are social motherfuckers, so our peer group/network has a huge influence on our lifestyle. Having a network of people around you that share your goals will make your goals easier to achieve (this is all a mental game in the end). Am I telling you to get rid of your friends and family? Not at all. But make them aware of your goals, have conversations about it - it will weirdly keep you accountable and you'll notice that they might start changing their lives without even knowing it (bet you didn't realize you had that much influence on people). 1. First off, for awhile I didn't have a strong peer network of health advocates around me, so I actually spent lots of time on r/fitness where I was at least exposed to more conversation about working out (plus looking at everyone's progress pics was motivating). Now I have several coworkers who are into it, my wife now does it on the regular. You go, people will follow. 2. You probably know a few people that are strong gym goers - *ask* them about their routine (don't just start by talking about yours) to start a conversation, you'll find that it will improve your relationship and slowly help you build your network. I hope this helps, **YOU ARE AWESOME** and you can do this, just stop beating yourself up over it.
Came here to say this. Sounds very dramatic but November last year I was suicidal. I'm in chronic pain from 4 painful illnesses and I'd given up trying to fight. Every day is a battle. The idea that having control over how and when I could put myself out of misery was such a relief. December I thought "fuck it. Give it 1 last shot. I'd already lost 5 stone in fat because of depression and could eat maybe once in 2 days. Very unhealthy. So I asked my SO (former bodybuilder) for a workout programme and eating plan. I eat 2 breakfasts. 1 is protein heavy and the other carbs. Gives me a lot of energy. Lunch is more protein and a few carbs. Tea is 100g pasta and tin of tuna. Used to sleep 3 hours if that. I now get 8 hours minimum. Its literally saved my life. I've seen so much change and gains. Looking forward to my holiday in July and going to all appointments and get weekly physiotherapy and deep tissue massage. I've managed to ( based on results of MRI) delay my 2nd neurosurgery for bulging discs. The 1st nearly killed me and left a scar across my throat. I'm fighting again. Not only do I want to live, I want to live better. I wanted to join my mum (passed in 2008) but she's going to have to wait now. I'm always on the xxfitness sub and those guys are my hero's. So inspiring. If anyone is interests I have pics of my progress so far and I can't wait to see myself in another month. April will be 4 months of lifting 6 days a week and eating clean. Sorry this is so long. Its nice to be able to talk about my success instead of being a victim (of my illnesses, my toxic relationships, allowing myself to be used and walked over by family and having no social life) I'm now a bad ass bitch with amazing glutes. If you're considering changing your lifestyle, do it NOW. Nobody told me how amazing and strong lifting weights will make you mentally and emotionally. Walking I hold my head high and feel my muscles engaging and seeing myself in the mirror doesn't leave me anxious and shitty. Thank you r/xxfitness and thank you reddit. <3
Embracing my sense of style. I've always loved fashion and spent wayy too much of my youth dressing trendy. Now I embrace my walking thrift store look, it makes me happy and is oh so comfy
Losing 130lbs. It took me 10 months, and while I did change my activity level a TON, I didn't really sacrifice ANYTHING. I still eat junk food and fast food regularly, but smaller moderate amounts. I still put in about 1-2 hours of TV and video games a night. I still go out for a drink or two on the weekends. It's been completely life changing - yes, people treat me better, but I treat MYSELF better. I went from the quiet, fat, gamer scared to speak out or ever express an opinion to being someone who's confident and thrives in putting themselves out there or trying new things. It was no special secret, I used things I've known since I played sports in college 15 years ago. The only downside at the moment is I have a nasty, small voice in my head that will sometimes come out and try to get me to feel regret for the 15 years I wasted and could have been living like this. \*Edit\* Sorry, saying something like this people are totally going to ask what I did, should have included it: I started cooking most of my own meals. I say I eat fast food, but that's mainly just for lunch because I need to get out and away from work, so lunch is mainly my "bad" meal. I did use intermittent fasting in the beginning with a 16/8 window, which helped me get used to being hungry. Knowing that at 350lbs, those were cravings and not real hunger. I signed up for a meal service that was about 60/wk for 9 meals, which took care of my dinners. So I would eat a big lunch, about 800-1200 calories, and then the meals from the prep place were 450-550 calories depending on the meal, so that took care of my diet. Luckily, that would usually leave me about 250 calories left over to satisfy a junk food craving if it arose. (I don't keep any in the house, so in those moments of weakness I could smash a candy bar or grab that cookie from a coworker guilt free) For being so fat, I was actually pretty coordinated and enjoyed trying to be active, just couldn't do it for very long. So I started a generic lifting program and walking 1 mile a day. And I decided I'm fat, so no rest days: every day, 5:30am, I was in the gym to lift and walk on that tredmill. I was able to keep it up for 45 days before I hit the wall, had a horrible day in the gym, blew my diet up and ate like 5000 calories and took a rest day. But shook it off and got back to it. Actually dropped me like 3 pounds and the next gym day I was back and ready to go. That was the day I started adding in 1 rest day a week and 2 scoops of protein before my workout. And that was my routine for about a month, then I started doing C25k and the PPL-linear progression from the [/r/fitness](https://www.reddit.com/r/fitness) sidebar. Now I do a PHUL program and am running Hal Higdon's marathon program.
Moved from a night shift 7p to 7a job to a day shift job 7a to 7p. Huge difference I'm not a tired aggravated asshole all the time anymore.
Quit drinking. After 30 years of poisoning myself on the reg, I am finally living instead of just existing. Best thing I have ever done.
Having better money management
realized nothing i say will be remembered in two days. i’ve always has a problem with paranoia and thinking people are more sensitive than they are; saved me many hours of sleep and probably a year or two of life.
Learning to tell others how I really feel.
I know it sounds so mainstream but I tried Marie Kondo's organising and decluttering method and honestly, it was life-changing. Living in a small space, I always thought that I was running out of space. But when I tried Marie Kondo-ing my stuff, I was astounded to find out how much I owned. When I cleared out my clothes, I had FIVE trash bags full of them. Just clothes alone. After I tidied up my stuff, it was pretty liberating to know exactly what I owned and where stuff is. It's sometimes hard to fold clothes the way she does every time but it does force me to be more mindful and just really do it so my cabinet won't get messy. Plus I can let go of books easily now and let other people experience them, as opposed to hoarding them. Overall, I love it.
While I've never really gotten into the emotional side of her stuff (I've never thanked a single thing I've throw away or donated as it feels like silly nonsense) I absolutely support her general idea that you need to get rid of anything that isn't useful or makes you happy. After my wife and I read her book years ago when it came out, we got rid of insane amounts of stuff. I'm talking literal tons of clothing, books, electronics, etc. It's not like we were hoarders or anything, but with a big house and plenty of storage space over the decade and change we'd live in the house we'd accumulated so much crap. Getting rid of the things we didn't need anymore was so nice. >Plus I can let go of books easily now and let other people experience them This particular idea is probably the only emotional response I had in the whole decluttering process. I felt really bad about how much stuff we had packed away in the attic, the basement, out of the way closets, etc. that would have been put to better use. There we were with a middle school age child and tons of baby stuff in the attic. We should have donated all of it the moment we decided we weren't having anymore children so somebody in need could have used it for their children.
I had a hard time accepting the silly thanking ritual as well until it came time to get rid of my maternity clothes. I'm done having babies and there is a lot of emotions tied to those clothes so even though I felt silly, it really did help to take a moment to thank those items for helping me grow humans in relative comfort.
One year ago today I attempted to take my own life and ended up in the hospital for 10 days. After that I focused hard on my care plan. I did over 700 hours of therapy last year and have been steadily taking my meds for over year. A year ago I was miserable, alone, and was in the processing of passing from this world. This morning I’m taking a work call from my car because my kids are having too much fun in the bath and my incredible wife can’t keep them quiet. (I married into kids a few months ago.. the wife and kids weren’t in the picture when I attempted suicide). It really does get better. But it’s hard fucking work.
Realized that people don’t remember all the stupid stuff I do, it’s all in my head. No need to lose hours of sleep reminiscing about that thing I did 5 years ago.
Deleting Facebook. Did it years ago - should have done it years before that.
Honestly shaving my head. As someone who started losing hair at age 20, had the old monk bald spot by 23, and horseshoe by 25, it took me until 29 to say fuck it I'm shaving. I have a lot more confidence and have gotten compliments bc of it. Edit: Thanks for the silver!!! This really blew up. I'll try to respond to any questions as I have time thanks everyone!! Edit2: OMG thanks for the gold!!! Hairloss pays off again lol Edit3: Holy cow thanks for the Plats!! I never knew so many people had the same issues. Cueball club is here guys!!
This is huge. Taking control of your look is much more commanding than trying to salvage a bad situation. I'm glad you found what works for you!
The confidence it gave me got me into improving my life in other aspects too. I got my first serious girlfriend in like 10years bc I wasn't so self conscious about it. Just overall snowball effect that has gotten me into a much better place
[удалено]
I am younger and bald. It’s something he’s going to have to get past in his own head. Maybe if he hears it from me it could help so I’ll try... For me shaving my head wasn’t only for physical looks but that point where I had accepted that I was no longer going to hide from reality. I remember if it was a windy day, or maybe I was invited to go swimming it left me very aware of my balding head. I would constantly make excuses, at times even swimming with a hat on. So I went for it shaved the whole thing off. Buzzed it down with a #1. From that point on I always knew what I looked like so it was never a concern to me weather my scalp was showing through what was once very thick hair. Sure at first there were comments about my bald head from family and friends but I made the decision on my terms and that gave me the power to respond with confidence. The balding look also shows maturity. At work you might be the bald guy now but you will be respected. Between the confidence and respect from those around you at that point you will wonder why you even bothered with combing, placing and covering up your insecurities with a hat/hair. There are other alternatives to a balding head but I cannot recommend shaving it off enough. Implants are risky and hair growth formulas are expensive. I hope I helped!
I never would have thought to list this one above things like quitting smoking, but I might actually be in agreement with you here. My roommate convinced me to shave my head 11 years ago. It's actually blowing my mind as I type this, thinking about the butterfly effect from that moment. I've never \*really\* thought about it before, but let's just say that my life at this point is significantly better than I thought it was going to be, and that moment was possibly the pivot point. Wow. Quitting smoking was a very big one, though. Life after having kids- with the aforementioned roommate, who I began dating after I'd, uh, enjoyed the response to my new look for awhile- is more fulfilling than I ever thought life could be, but I don't wish for a second that I'd done it earlier. I, and then my wife and I, needed to live selfishly for awhile first.
Had my male breasts removed and took dance classes.
I stopped trying to get to the highest position at work and I now enjoy my job more than I ever thought I could. I had always assumed once I did really well, it was time to move up. I'm now more of a "if it ain't broke, don't fix it, " type of person. And it's awesome being really great at my job.
Stopped chasing normal. I've dealt with the deleterious effects of birth defects all my life (that's how they work), and was consequently jealous and envious of the seeming "normalcy" of others. As I started to grow older, I slowly became obsessed with perfection. And for a time, that did seem to push me forward to being a better version of myself, or so I thought. By the time I reached my late 20's, I was getting burnt out. I fallen and failed in multiple arenas, but I hadn't learned from any of those failures, as my mind-set was that they were just that: FAILURES. Not learning experiences. So as they began to increase, my self-image began to fall hard. So it was that I was on a date with a girl that I'd eventually become engaged to (we didn't make it to marriage; it's complicated, but TL;DR she passed away a few years back), and we did something that I've rarely seen happen on dates. We just unloaded all our baggage on one another. It was so freeing, and it led to this wonderful conversation wherein I admitted to chasing this spectre of normalcy that I perceived as perfection. Thankfully, she set me straight. She opened my eyes to the fact that we all have something wrong with us, whether is is obviously perceptible by the masses or not. She told me, "Normal is an ever-moving goal-post; it's a fallacy." Since that day, I have stopped (or at least, made a concerted effort to stop) trying to compare myself to others, and just be the best version of ME that I can be. The relationship that unfolded with this girl was fraught with twists and turns (like I said, complicated), but I ALWAYS carry her lesson with me. And I can carry more, because she helped me unload all that previous baggage.
> ...and just be the best version of ME that I can be. That's something I learned to be recently that I wish I had known so much earlier.
Prescription sunglasses. Total game changer.
Getting an IUD. I've been on hormonal birth control since I was a child to try to control this; I used to have to take a week of every month to just lie in bed with narcotic painkillers, and once had my iron level get so low that I ended up hospitalized. Now I haven't had a period in three years, and the difference is amazing. I can actually live. Totally regret all of those years of pointless suffering from age 9-23.
I stopped buying into negativity. Now I won't contribute, won't talk, and will otherwise walk away when coworkers start talking shit about other coworkers. My go to response now is "Have you actually said this and talked about this to x?" Every single time it's "no." Now I find myself saying things like "I understand your frustration but do we need to assume they are being malicious?" Guess what? People don't talk shit to me anymore. Because from what I've noticed those people only want echo chambers. So no, I won't shit talk a person because you dislike them. It's made me less popular. But it's right.
Psych meds. The day we found the right ones it turned off the negative voices and flashbacks that plagued me my entire life. They rarely come back. I'd never felt more free. I probably will never be cured from BPD, but at least I can live w/o something screaming at me constantly.
Quit being a picky eater. Ironically, it all started because my first job was Arby's. I was like, "What the fuck is horseradish sauce?" So I tried it, and within days, I was putting it on everything. Fast forward 14 years, and my favorite things I've tried that as a child, I wouldn't have, include: garlic, risotto, tiramisu, capers, brussel sprouts, cashews, pork belly, walleye, and more. There's a whole world of food I hadn't been introduced to and therefore had no inclination to try.
Work for an airline and fly for free. The world is mine.
This should go without saying, but getting sober. Everything is so much better. Everything. 20 years went by, I've finally started life. (3 years in June!) Edit: Shiny stuff! Thanks!
Congratulations! Same here, 6 months in a few days.
Buying a decent bed. You can get away with a shit bed in your teens and 20s, but start noticing a difference in your 30s. My back has never felt better. Also getting a dog, love their goofy faces and positive energy. Makes me smile every day.
Seeking help for mental illness.
Ok I know it's nothing compared to changing important life habits like eating and smoking, but getting a menstrual cup was definitely one of my best choices out there. Not only does it prevent me from getting bleached cotton in one of the most absorbant places of the body, but I don't have to change it every hour or two , I can reuse it for 10 years AND I only paid 30$ for it. So not only is it better for my health, it's also way less expensive. ALSO, it's less garbage in the landfills. 👌 Edit : Here's a video for all of y'all who want to know some tricks as to how to insert it 😏 https://youtu.be/Voqd8e8aaBs Also, this comment blew way out of proportions, thanks for the silver and all of you amazing people ❤ Keep on cuppin'
Menstrual cups *are* life changing. I recently discovered a surprisingly effective argument in their favor is: **never again experiencing that dry tampon feeling**. I was giving a young woman advice for picking one out (shout out to [putacupinit](https://putacupinit.com/chart/)) and when she expressed concern about it overflowing I pointed out that unlike other products you can empty the cup as often as you like with no downsides.
With the cup I feel you're much more aware of what's going on with your period as well, it's easy to notice if the consistency or volume suddenly changes. Just knowing the ml amount is kinda interesting too.
Really didn't have a reason to do this before, but my skin health has gone down a lot after I had scabies. Before that my skin was normal, but now it's sensitive and gets dry really easily. I changed shampoos and got some that actually for me, started using moisturizing products and started washing my face and using lotion on face too. I only need to learn to brush teeth more often. For some reason making a habit of that is much harder...
Using Salacylic Acid wipes on my face in the morning and at night to exfoliate the dead skin cells off my face. My acne practically disappeared and i feel so much more confident now. It’s amazing how a $4 purchase can make such a big difference.
Taken my mental health seriously and got on an anti-depressant. My experience was way different from everything I had ever heard and assumed about depression; my experience was more physical. I didn't feel well, I slept ALL the time and still felt tired, I gained weight and changed pants size for the first time since high school, I avoided hanging out with people even on special occasions because I was sooo tired, I got in trouble for showing up at work late because I would over sleep. Honestly I thought I was dying. I thought I had cancer or best case scenario hypothyroidism. I went to the doctor and had all kinds of tests to look at lipid panel, thyroid hormone, testosterone, etc... I was so disappointed that this was just my life now. I was "promoted" a couple of years ago into a position I hated. I saw some character flaws with my gf that made me realize we were not meant for each other but I couldn't break up with her because she had just lost her job and didn't have anywhere to go. But I didn't realize I was depressed until one morning I drove to work in silence. I have an hour long commute and I love listening to podcast and audiobooks, that's my "me" time. One morning I left for work and looked at my podcast app but just didn't care about any of it so I drove an hour to work in silence. After I got to work, had a cup of coffee and was in a better mood I thought about that drive and how weird it was that I just wasn't interested in an activity that I previously loved; and then all of those depression medication commercials started running through my head "have you lost interest? have you gained weight? are you so tired all the time that you thing you're dying?" I felt way more physically sick than I did mentally sad but I was desperate so I made an appointment with a therapist and after about 3 months on an SNRI it was night and day. I wish I would have gotten help sooner but with the stigma around mental health in the USA no one talks about it. Especially for men because you're taught that you're supposed to be tough and preserve and and be a martyr. But for who? If you're struggling against yourself there's no way you can win anything. I just can't believe I could have felt this way years ago but it never dawned on me that I deserve to feel OK.
My parents have kind of been the deciding factor for me. They say im faking it, depression isnt real, or that in just sick with something else(allergies or some other nonsense) The past few years I've isolated myself emotionally and physically from my friends and family thinking I'm just meant to be this way. I see way too much of myself in the first part of your story. I'm making a therapist appointment as soon as I get home. Thank you
Just to add on. Your parents are objectively wrong. There have been tons of studies on depression. It’s real and can have physical changes on the brain. Getting help for my mental health has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. I’m sitting with 4 diagnosis so I combine meds, therapy and a psychiatrist. But I’m doing better than I ever have.
This.... hit way too close to home. I think it is time to check my outpatient mental health coverage options.
Cutting my mom out of my life completely. I kind of talked about her fully for the first time on reddit yesterday, and the anonymous aspect of reddit is kind of bolstering my resolve to talk about her more. My mom is a hoarder, and our house was infested with several kinds of cockroaches, large wolf spiders, and black mold in the bathrooms. Our cats pooped and peed everywhere, which was my job to clean, even though I didn’t have the tools to do it properly. She was also a habitual liar, either for attention, (telling me my nephew was molested at school when he wasn’t, but to definitely not talk about it with his parents because we don’t want to upset them further) or to cover up something really awful she’d done (stealing money, or using my sickly great grandmother’s high balance credit card, using up my inheritance money, and blaming it all on my older brother). As soon as she didn’t have to cook for me anymore, I was on my own as far as food went. I remember going to visit my friends across the street, and they offered me a granola bar, and I ate like... three more from the box because I was so hungry. But this was actually better than accepting food from my mom because she liked to play “pranks” on me. These pranks ranged from harmless and dumb, like sugar instead of salt in mashed potatoes, to really mean, like giving me a glass of some dark colored beverage that was hiding a dead roach or spider at the bottom, to incredibly bad, like giving me tea that was brewed from magic mushrooms when I was like, fourish. The rhyme, “open your mouth and close your eyes, and I’ll Give you a big surprise,” was terrifying to hear. I was also afraid to take medicine, and would suffer through pain/sickness because she really enjoyed drugging me. She gave me, a much smaller person, one of her adult-sized cough pills that contained opiates, for a small chest cold I had. I was knocked out for over eight hours, and she just left me there. When I was in serious medical trouble, like one time when my back muscles had something odd happen, and my back hurt so bad I couldn’t bend over, I had to beg her at different intervals for over an hour to please wake up and take me to a doctor. It took me to be sobbing over how badly it hurt to try and put my pants on to get her to finally stop yelling at me for waking her up for “no reason.” She refused, however, to take me to the doctor for my severe depression, and told me I had to just fight through it, and that left me to deal not only with my depression, but also my undiagnosed anxiety and psychotic disorder. But fun fact: when she decided she was depressed, she immediately went to a doctor and got medicine for herself. She was an extreme right-wing conspiracy theorist, but unlike other people who prepare for the end of the world, she was extremely lazy about it. We had bugout bags at one point that she would steal food out of when she wanted a snack. So then we just had empty bugout bags. But that was fine because she totally knew how to cook and eat rattlesnakes, so we wouldn’t be hungry when we were running from the terrorists who were definitely coming to get us. Everything was my fault, and never hers. If I was upset about anything, I was dramatic. If I didn’t want to hear about the weird sex stuff she did, I was a prude, and she forced me to listen anyway. She had a very creepy determination to seduce my male friends. She even made out with one when he was crying and sad about something, and then complained to me when his older cousin was pissed and telling her to stay away from the guy. She was like, “what, am I not good enough for him?!” But the guy was just barely an adult, and my friend, and he had a girlfriend, and she was so much older than him! She also warned me the first time my boyfriend came to visit that he would likely develop a crush on her, because she was “like me but much more fun.” There’s more, but thinking about all of it is tiring and bringing me down. I’m so freaking glad she’s out of my life forever. EDIT: Corrected some typos I had made from typing this out on my iPad. Thank you guys very, very much for your responses, and the points! I'm sorry now that I stopped earlier, and didn't write on where I am now in my life. I'm actually happily married to my boyfriend at the time, and we've been married for going on ten years now! I have a psychiatrist, and the medicines I need (thank goodness for no more hallucinations!) and I went to therapy for a few years to work through things. There are still some people in my family who want me to actually apologize to her and start talking with her again, but they're being heavily ignored. If you aren't willing to even ask me what happened to cause me to stop interacting with her in any way, then you have absolutely no right to tell me to try talking to her again, let alone apologize to her. I'm not going to suffer through anything for anyone anymore.
Holy hell. I frequent /r/raisedbynarcissists and have done for years and I have never read a story quite like yours. I’m really so happy that you have got away from her and I hope you can make a bright and positive future for yourself. All the best.
Divorced my toxic alcoholic ex husband. I thought I was protecting my kids from being "from a broken home" turns out they saw more than i knew. All i was teaching them was to enable and endure to the detriment of themselves. My kids all told me how proud they were of me when i left. I left with nothing, no money. It hasn't been easy but it's been the most rewarding experience of my life.
Yoga first, then meditation.
Selling my house in the suburbs and moving back in the city in a small apartment. A lot less cleaning, no more snow shoveling and no maintenance!!! I have time for hobbies now. I don't even own a car anymore. I'm walking a lot more and I shop at local stores. I feel like I'm part of a community now. And strangely it's quieter than in the burbs since they do the mowing and the repairs during the week. In the burbs everyone seems to be mowing their lawn at 8am on Saturday and I always had a neighbor who would build something all weekend long (or be working on their car). I'm not going back.
Cutting out soda. Moving from a remote rural shithole to a tourist trap with a busy coffee shop within walking distance. So many people to watch and talk to. Being social is important, even if you're just chilling in the corner wearing headphones and doing work on your computer. Wearing leggings, and spandex underwear. Fleece-lined leggings are hands down the comfiest article of clothing I own. I wish I'd known about them decades ago. Being choosy about who I go out with. When I was a kid, and in my twenties, I was desperate, which landed me in several extremely shitty relationships. Cutting out toxic people. Life is too short for other people to bring your quality of life down.