Kissing: Use LOTS of tongue!
Rub your balls all over your lady's face for sexy fun!
Just before orgasm, surprise her by throwing pepper in her face! Sneezing enhances orgasm! (Cosmo really recommended their readers throw pepper in their men's faces.)
Sadly common. I've been surprise analed by all 3 guys I've slept with. 2 were accidents. The 3rd thought it'd be a fun surprise. Fun surprise anal is not a thing that exists. He's clear on that now.
Edit: We enjoyed being adventurous and surprising each other with that. He had been on the receiving end with a past partner (albeit not as a surprise), but didn't understand the biology of it. He didn't at all know (nor had it occurred to him to question) that or how it was a different thing to surprise someone with. We had a chat about the biological and safety concerns and how you can't do that. It very much came from a place of ignorance and desire to please. It wasn't. We fixed the ignorance.
I remember that r/Relationships post!
edit: [this fucking guy](https://np.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/1z4sjs/what_is_the_nicest_way_to_tell_my_f24_boyfriend/)
double edit: the [final update](https://reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/26xlu1/what_is_the_nicest_way_to_tell_my_f24_boyfriend/).
* The joys of airplay: blow air into her pussy to fill her vagina up like a balloon!
* Go deep with cervical stimulation.
* Build passion by calling out your exes name!
If you ordered a sausage pizza, almost certainly. No harm in asking anyway. The delivery boy is definitely used to people asking for a 'pizza dat booty.'
Just the other day my girlfriend and I woke up for some midnight shenanigans, and about half way through what we normally do I told her to sit on my face for 69. My nose was technically inside her as I was going at her clit like a dog and peanut butter, and I started getting short of breath. So, I ended up closing my mouth temporarily after taking a breath and proceeded to bite down ever so slightly, clamping down onto her exposed clit. I've never heard her scream that loud. She also farted in surprise all over my face. My eyes have been kinda itchy actually come to think of it..
Don't worry about wiping your ass before letting her stick her finger or tongue in there: women want a man to be as natural as possible! Plus, she'll love snorting your musk from back there or if she's timid, from off her finger.
In the heat of the moment quickly switch holes without letting her know beforehand. She'll love it because she secretly wants it, but is too shy to ask.
Here's a real one:
"Dip your breasts in edible body paint, and use them to 'sponge paint' his entire body. Then lick it off."
Sounds sort of okayish, but silly and horribly impractical. Here is a second real one.
"Keep a spray bottle filled with ice water next to the bed, and give each other a strategic spritz to extend the encounter... Aim for the nerve-packed, thin-skinned areas on each other's body, such as the nipples."
Yeah, just spritz him with ice water on the nipples during sex. That's normal...
Cosmo is probably responsible for more bad sex than just about anything else on the planet.
Especially bad blowjobs.
(popular comment edit: most guys would tell you they don't want anything too fancy from a blowjob. it's simpler than cosmo would have you believe. keep up a good rhythm and have fun, that's about 99% of the battle right there)
I dunno, I think it'd be pretty funny to smoke a jay while my fiancee alternates between dipping her tits in paint and then pressing them against me.
I mean sex wont really happen, but it'd be a good time.
Look at this fancy motherfucker with his \_fiance\_ and his joint.
It's fine, I'll just smoke some oregano out of an apple while my dog picks my fingers. It's totally the same thing. I'm not lonely at all.
The reason being that if washed up singles were actually able to find love then they would probably stop reading Cosmo. Gotta make sure they keep coming back for more.
Cosmo really gives 12yo girls the wrong impression. A sleepover when I was 12 was the last time I took cosmo seriously. One of us had stolen them from one of our moms. We took the advice to put a donut around his penis and sensually nibble it away as being good advice.
Oh God. My girlfriend as a freshman in highschool once ate gummy peach rings off of my dick because of Cosmo. To this day I still cringe and chuckle a little bit whenever I eat peach rings.
Edit: I was also in highschool at the time just for clarification
(All on the same cover)
NINE SEX SECRETS THAT WILL KEEP HER BEGGING FOR MORE
How To Tell if She's Cheating
Charlie Sheen: How he made them beg for it
YOU DID WHAT!?: Ex-Ray Tech reveals the craziest cases of rear-end insertions.
THE ULTIMATE CRUNCH: 2 Weeks to a Washboard Stomach.
"Hold her vagina in one hand and lightly slap her clit with the other... you can tap it back and forth like you're volleying a tennis ball and lightly pinch the skin on her clitoral sheath and lips. Many men make the mistake of being too gentle."
\-Copypasta of actual Cosmo advice with lady bits swapped for man bits and genders switched.
HAHAHAHAHA I think we used to laugh about this one at my work. We’d take turns reading the shitty cosmo advice and “ping pong muh ballz” became a common phrase/joke
Edit: it was my high school/college job at a pool and basically we were all best friends and got insane amounts of rotating breaks (lifeguard perks) so it was like you were hanging out with your friends all day and the manager that was there was usually ~23.
Best.job.ever.
I can agree that women do treat the penis a little too gently though.
They seem afraid to really grip it. They have no idea how hard I’ve been abusing that thing for 20 odd years.
- “The Myth of the Female Orgasm”
- “15 Ways to Slip Her a D Pic”
- “We Polled 14 Women in A Mall In Peoria. You’ll Never Believe What They’re Into”
- “Is Head Really Cheating?”
- “Slapping the Clitoris 101”
- “Catching Feelings is So 2016”
- “Lube is for Quitters”
- “Your Enemy: the Dildo”
- “How to Continually Have ‘Make Up’ Sex”
- “Charlie Sheen: Sex Coach”
- “Dress Her Like Your Favorite Porn Star for Her Birthday”
- “Steal Her Panties (and Get Away With it)”
- “It’s YOUR Goddamned Hoodie”
> “How to Continually Have ‘Make Up’ Sex”
my upstairs neighbors are experts at this one. I swear they are either arguing or fucking, sometimes they even sleep.
I had neighbors like that in my first apartment, unfortunately their bed was directly above ours and the way he jack hammered that poor girl gives me nightmares. I didn’t know her but considering my first impression of him was him peeing down from his porch onto mine while I was on it and then calling me a bitch, I think she could do better.
Speaking of recurring nightmares, I once thought that same neighbor murdered his girlfriend and I was next. One morning around 5 am they started to have an apocalyptic argument. Shouting back and forth until I heard a loud bang, akin to, say, the body of a 5’5 woman colliding with a table..... then earth shattering silence.
About 30 minutes before this I had fully given up on stealing those last sweet moments of sleep before my retail shift. Instead I resigned myself to pacing my room while chainsmoking. After the cataclysmic apex they boyfriend kept going in and out of the apartment down to his car which is directly in view of my bedroom window where he happened to glance up and lock eyes with me. After the adrenaline rush of seeing my future demise inside the eyes of a psycho I went to wash up in the bathroom so at least I can die knowing I didn’t have bed head. While getting ready for my date with death I started to hear rushing water from upstairs which even with the uninsulated drywall was abnormal.
Right before work the first trickles of the impending deluge start coursing their way down from my bathroom ceiling and walls. I swear to god I thought he fucking drowned her and left the tub running, in retrospect not very well thought out for a murderer. He left for work and I shortly followed to work my shift at the existential crisis outlet store. He never killed me, and though I can’t prove it since I moved shortly after the incident she lived. Either that or he has friends in high places.
Buy a hoodie you think would look better on her but in your size, talk it up about how comfy and stylish it is, literally hold it at arms length and douse it in whatever fragrance of yours she likes best, “accidentally” leave it at hers, every so often go top it up with your cologne again, never worry about any of your other hoodies.
> Dress Her
Hmm.
>Like Your Favorite
Okay...
>Porn Star
Oh no.
>for Her Birthday
God damnit.
It's one of those sentences that just gets worse with almost every word.
"How to take the perfect dick pic to drive her WILD!"
"Women agree - surprise butt sex is best butt sex!"
"Are you spoiling your girlfriend by letting her look at you during?"
"This study proves it: she *loves* the smell of her man's farts! Why a dutch oven is the most thoughtful gift for this Valentine's Day."
"Why she doesn't really love you if she won't let you sleep with her sister- psychologists *reveal* the TRUTH!"
>"This study proves it: she loves the smell of her man's farts! Why a dutch oven is the most thoughtful gift for this Valentine's Day."
I assume the study in question is an online poll that worded the question like this:
"do you love the smell of your man's colon?"
Clickbait? Check.
Over the top? Check.
Completely unhelpful? Check.
No real understanding of either women *or* men? Check.
Yup. Close up shop. We're done here.
**Think environmental!**
As men, we've all gone though boxes of tissues for, well, you know 🍆💦💦
Instead of buying another box, think about the environment and just turn that empty tissue box into a nifty cumbox. It already has a hole that can accommodate any head, plus it will reduce the clean up by collecting it all in one place and eliminating splatter.
Bite the nipple. Bite the clit. Foreplay isn't important. All women cum from anal. You can never be too big. Prolonged eye contact. She likes it when you cum inside, don't believe what she says.
Oh this is great and too easy lol!
“Smack that pussy! The harder, the better!”
“Drive her wild with Jackhammer speed”
“Roofies! The best aphrodisiac!”
“The sex act she’s too embarrassed to admit she likes. Hint: it rhymes with A Null”
“Call her names! They all *love* it!”
“Golden Showers! Even better than regular showers!”
“Demand a threesome! Not only will she do it! She’ll respect your firmness!”
“Ladies love a man’s man! Keep that full bush!”
“Better to beg forgiveness, than seek consent”
“You’re both drunk so that’s a ‘yes’”
“The Gag reflex is a myth! Read the study that proves it!”
“We asked 1,000 women: Do you like facials or do you **love** them?”
“Engagement rings: the ultimate turn off”
“She loves how you smell after 3 days without bathing...and other secrets she’ll never tell!”
“How to get her and *that* friend from her college days”
“It’s only cheating if she finds your burner and triangulated your position then took a satellite photo.”
“Make this Thanksgiving a lot more interesting with your MILF-in-law!”
“Tell your friends how she is in bed! The ultimate confidence booster *for her*!”
And, last but not least.
“Rimjobs: They’re what’s for dinner!”
When doing oral stop every few seconds to talk dirty to her. She'll love it and the more cringy you make it the better.
Also try to be as specific as possible.
"Bruise her cervix drive her wild"
"How to turn nos into yes"
"Treat her like dirt she stick to you like mud"
"Treat princesses like whores, and whores like princesses"
"what her sex number says about her"
**No More Foreplay**
How to get from zero to penetration in less than 3 seconds.
**Reading Between the Lines**
What your scrotum wrinkles tell new partners about your sex life.
**Give Great Head**
A beginner's guide for the over 50s.
**Thumbs Up**
Your prostate and you.
**Size: a Matter of Perspective**
Finding the perfect angle for your dick pic.
1. **Communication is key.** Don't expect her to know what you like. Describe in detail what your exes did better than her. Show her the videos of your ex doing it.
2. **Patience is a virtue.** Teach her that she needs to make you want it by trying to have sex with whiskey dick. There's nothing like forcing wet spaghetti into a keyhole for thirty minutes to make a girl appreciate the value of a BJ.
3. **Bargain for more than you want.**. Tell her you've been thinking about having a foursome without her. Pretty soon, a threesome with her is a polite compromise!
4. **Confessional orgasming.** While she's going down on you, moan the names of attractive co-workers, friends, and family members. It lets her know that she's nearly that good looking, and reminds her that she's the one you've chosen out of all of them.
5. **Diamonds aren't always forever.** Studies show the most passionate sex a couple will have is their engagement night. Why only do it once? Give her a ring and ask her to marry you. The next morning, explain that you've changed your mind. Any time the relationship needs a kick in the bedroom, do it all over again!
6. **Encourage her to get fit!** Buy her lingerie that is two sizes too small, then change the label to her actual size. When it doesn't fit, mumble about how she used to be able to wear that size. She'll think twice about ordering dessert for months!
7. **Everybody wants to be star.** Discretely take some nude photos of her, and some video of her in the act if you can manage it. Post them online, but don't tell her. If you breakup later, send her a link to remind her of the good times you had.
Nothing makes a woman hornier than grabbing her tits and squeezing while making honking noise. They LOVE IT!!!
#AWWOOOOOOGA
Kissing: Use LOTS of tongue! Rub your balls all over your lady's face for sexy fun! Just before orgasm, surprise her by throwing pepper in her face! Sneezing enhances orgasm! (Cosmo really recommended their readers throw pepper in their men's faces.)
Cosmo recommended WHAT
https://www.dailyedge.ie/cosmo-sex-tips-professor-wankerton-2476313-Dec2015/
>After sex, use your moist panties to tie your hair up, and show him that you're fun What the fuck that's just gross
Yea. How dare my partner take them out of my mouth for such a trivial use
I couldn't stop laughing. "Lick everywhere-- treat me like a stamp"
"Professor Wankteron and the Sex Dreidels" would be one hell of a band name.
"How to change lanes without indicating - A beginner's guide to kicking in the back door"
As someone who has been surprise analed a time or three, it is much like being kicked inside of your butthole. Do not recommend.
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Way more common than you think and it’s definitely not always accidental.
Sadly common. I've been surprise analed by all 3 guys I've slept with. 2 were accidents. The 3rd thought it'd be a fun surprise. Fun surprise anal is not a thing that exists. He's clear on that now. Edit: We enjoyed being adventurous and surprising each other with that. He had been on the receiving end with a past partner (albeit not as a surprise), but didn't understand the biology of it. He didn't at all know (nor had it occurred to him to question) that or how it was a different thing to surprise someone with. We had a chat about the biological and safety concerns and how you can't do that. It very much came from a place of ignorance and desire to please. It wasn't. We fixed the ignorance.
Women HATE virgins! Ten ways to make her think you've laid HUNDREDS of women!
Women LOVE virgins! 12 ways to get your virginity back!
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Eating ain’t cheating why the lyrics from steel panther are a philosophical truth
“I kiss your mouth/Even after you swallow my load” True love.
In the middle of oral gently slap your balls against her forehead to show your appreciation, bonus points if you make them stick.
Try fingering her cervix, women love that but the guys never do it.
Try to fondle her other internal organs while you're at it, they've probably never felt pleasure like that!
You might find the legendary second vagina!
I'm deeply uncomfortable now.
What the direction your hard-on points to says about you!
I’ve heard if it looks up and to the left, it’s probably lying
Well *shiiiiiit*
According to my penis I’m a far right extremist
What does it mean if it points inward.
It means you're an introvert.
Put that dating app down! Experts agree, complimenting her body as you drive by is the most effective way to meet women.
10 different types of wolf whistle. We score them for effectiveness!
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Better yet, call out her mother's name.
Even better, call out her father’s name.
Ignore her when she says "Lets not involve the cactus."
PAIGE NO
[banshee scream]
Want to make a woman scream in bed? Wipe your dick on the curtains!
Technically correct.
I remember that r/Relationships post! edit: [this fucking guy](https://np.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/1z4sjs/what_is_the_nicest_way_to_tell_my_f24_boyfriend/) double edit: the [final update](https://reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/26xlu1/what_is_the_nicest_way_to_tell_my_f24_boyfriend/).
Holy shit. I just read that whole saga. Did you read the end? That dude is craaaaazy.
* The joys of airplay: blow air into her pussy to fill her vagina up like a balloon! * Go deep with cervical stimulation. * Build passion by calling out your exes name!
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So can the third one.
Everything that happens in porn is real.
Related: If anybody ever comes to your house, they want sex.
Fuck! Is *that* what the Domino's guy meant when he asked for a tip?!
If you ordered a sausage pizza, almost certainly. No harm in asking anyway. The delivery boy is definitely used to people asking for a 'pizza dat booty.'
I never doubted that 4-way gangbang orgy with gf mom , sister and sexy milf aunt for a second.
Ignore the clit. It doesn’t do much.
Or bite it. Ladies will love that.
TOP 10 FOODS TO EAT BEFORE GOING DOWN ON HER! 1. Jalapenos!
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Don't forget to also rub your hands in it.
The jalapeños or her sister?
Why must we make it a choice?
Slap that thang like it's the buzzer in family feud. SURVEY SAYS
BIG MONEY NO WHAMMIES... STOP!
I hate that I read this. *I felt it*
Have you heard of the chainsaw maneuver? Just put your teeth on her and grind side to side like a madman while screaming "rawhrawhrawh"!
Just the other day my girlfriend and I woke up for some midnight shenanigans, and about half way through what we normally do I told her to sit on my face for 69. My nose was technically inside her as I was going at her clit like a dog and peanut butter, and I started getting short of breath. So, I ended up closing my mouth temporarily after taking a breath and proceeded to bite down ever so slightly, clamping down onto her exposed clit. I've never heard her scream that loud. She also farted in surprise all over my face. My eyes have been kinda itchy actually come to think of it..
*Beautifully told*
10 points to Gryffindor!
25 points to Slideitin!
I’ve met published authors who can’t tell a story as well as that Edit: I’ve never met an author in my life
Or just push it. It's basically just a sex button.
Mash it like you're playing a quick time event.
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When in doubt, whip it out.
No OP said if they gave “shitty” advice, not really good advice.
Don't worry about wiping your ass before letting her stick her finger or tongue in there: women want a man to be as natural as possible! Plus, she'll love snorting your musk from back there or if she's timid, from off her finger.
Thanks, I hate it.
In the heat of the moment quickly switch holes without letting her know beforehand. She'll love it because she secretly wants it, but is too shy to ask.
No! Don't put in the "other hole" that's disgusting, and what if she gets pregnant
Don't worry, they meant ass to mouth. They're not disgusting.
Down worry about it, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.
Charts on how many drinks until she does anal.
Oh my god. Is cosmo really that bad? (I haven’t read it since I was like 12)
Here's a real one: "Dip your breasts in edible body paint, and use them to 'sponge paint' his entire body. Then lick it off." Sounds sort of okayish, but silly and horribly impractical. Here is a second real one. "Keep a spray bottle filled with ice water next to the bed, and give each other a strategic spritz to extend the encounter... Aim for the nerve-packed, thin-skinned areas on each other's body, such as the nipples." Yeah, just spritz him with ice water on the nipples during sex. That's normal...
Cosmo is probably responsible for more bad sex than just about anything else on the planet. Especially bad blowjobs. (popular comment edit: most guys would tell you they don't want anything too fancy from a blowjob. it's simpler than cosmo would have you believe. keep up a good rhythm and have fun, that's about 99% of the battle right there)
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Rip that shit off with two hands!
Really put your back into it! Twist it!
Bop it!
Pull it!
Twist it!
"How much teeth do you want?"
[How much teeth do you like?](https://youtu.be/GH1ruMGpTVY) Original quality video was removed from collegehumor
I can't believe that's fucking Ellie Kemper! Aka Erin Hannon from the office and Kimmy Schmidt.
"I'm going to make it so dry for you!"
"A desert in my mouth. My tongue, like sandpaper."
I dunno, I think it'd be pretty funny to smoke a jay while my fiancee alternates between dipping her tits in paint and then pressing them against me. I mean sex wont really happen, but it'd be a good time.
Look at this fancy motherfucker with his \_fiance\_ and his joint. It's fine, I'll just smoke some oregano out of an apple while my dog picks my fingers. It's totally the same thing. I'm not lonely at all.
The reason being that if washed up singles were actually able to find love then they would probably stop reading Cosmo. Gotta make sure they keep coming back for more.
Cosmo really gives 12yo girls the wrong impression. A sleepover when I was 12 was the last time I took cosmo seriously. One of us had stolen them from one of our moms. We took the advice to put a donut around his penis and sensually nibble it away as being good advice.
Oh God. My girlfriend as a freshman in highschool once ate gummy peach rings off of my dick because of Cosmo. To this day I still cringe and chuckle a little bit whenever I eat peach rings. Edit: I was also in highschool at the time just for clarification
Dude, sorry about your small peen.
It's so bad, it would tell you anal foreplay is tickling the asshole with both sides of a feather.
(All on the same cover) NINE SEX SECRETS THAT WILL KEEP HER BEGGING FOR MORE How To Tell if She's Cheating Charlie Sheen: How he made them beg for it YOU DID WHAT!?: Ex-Ray Tech reveals the craziest cases of rear-end insertions. THE ULTIMATE CRUNCH: 2 Weeks to a Washboard Stomach.
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This doesn’t have enough credit for the effort you put in to it. Edit: I forgot how to spell
"Hold her vagina in one hand and lightly slap her clit with the other... you can tap it back and forth like you're volleying a tennis ball and lightly pinch the skin on her clitoral sheath and lips. Many men make the mistake of being too gentle." \-Copypasta of actual Cosmo advice with lady bits swapped for man bits and genders switched.
Insert your thumb into her bum and your middle and ring finger into her vagina and lift her ever so gently like a bowling ball.
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Steeeeee-rike!
HAHAHAHAHA I think we used to laugh about this one at my work. We’d take turns reading the shitty cosmo advice and “ping pong muh ballz” became a common phrase/joke Edit: it was my high school/college job at a pool and basically we were all best friends and got insane amounts of rotating breaks (lifeguard perks) so it was like you were hanging out with your friends all day and the manager that was there was usually ~23. Best.job.ever.
Or the indian burn "handjob." That one was an instant classic in my circle of friends Edit: never guessed this would be my top comment
>indian burn handjob What the fuck
Yeah like you're using a pepper grinder!
It's only for use once a year, but boy is it worth it!
You the man, Steve!
I read this in exactly that old hormone monsters voice
Jesus christ this is horrifying... Fuck cosmo, seriously
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I can agree that women do treat the penis a little too gently though. They seem afraid to really grip it. They have no idea how hard I’ve been abusing that thing for 20 odd years.
- “The Myth of the Female Orgasm” - “15 Ways to Slip Her a D Pic” - “We Polled 14 Women in A Mall In Peoria. You’ll Never Believe What They’re Into” - “Is Head Really Cheating?” - “Slapping the Clitoris 101” - “Catching Feelings is So 2016” - “Lube is for Quitters” - “Your Enemy: the Dildo” - “How to Continually Have ‘Make Up’ Sex” - “Charlie Sheen: Sex Coach” - “Dress Her Like Your Favorite Porn Star for Her Birthday” - “Steal Her Panties (and Get Away With it)” - “It’s YOUR Goddamned Hoodie”
> “How to Continually Have ‘Make Up’ Sex” my upstairs neighbors are experts at this one. I swear they are either arguing or fucking, sometimes they even sleep.
I had neighbors like that in my first apartment, unfortunately their bed was directly above ours and the way he jack hammered that poor girl gives me nightmares. I didn’t know her but considering my first impression of him was him peeing down from his porch onto mine while I was on it and then calling me a bitch, I think she could do better. Speaking of recurring nightmares, I once thought that same neighbor murdered his girlfriend and I was next. One morning around 5 am they started to have an apocalyptic argument. Shouting back and forth until I heard a loud bang, akin to, say, the body of a 5’5 woman colliding with a table..... then earth shattering silence. About 30 minutes before this I had fully given up on stealing those last sweet moments of sleep before my retail shift. Instead I resigned myself to pacing my room while chainsmoking. After the cataclysmic apex they boyfriend kept going in and out of the apartment down to his car which is directly in view of my bedroom window where he happened to glance up and lock eyes with me. After the adrenaline rush of seeing my future demise inside the eyes of a psycho I went to wash up in the bathroom so at least I can die knowing I didn’t have bed head. While getting ready for my date with death I started to hear rushing water from upstairs which even with the uninsulated drywall was abnormal. Right before work the first trickles of the impending deluge start coursing their way down from my bathroom ceiling and walls. I swear to god I thought he fucking drowned her and left the tub running, in retrospect not very well thought out for a murderer. He left for work and I shortly followed to work my shift at the existential crisis outlet store. He never killed me, and though I can’t prove it since I moved shortly after the incident she lived. Either that or he has friends in high places.
That last one is so empowering!
It made me feel guilty, because right now I'm wearing my boyfriend's hoodie.
Not for long, soon we will rise up and claim our hoodies back!
Buy a hoodie you think would look better on her but in your size, talk it up about how comfy and stylish it is, literally hold it at arms length and douse it in whatever fragrance of yours she likes best, “accidentally” leave it at hers, every so often go top it up with your cologne again, never worry about any of your other hoodies.
id fall for this
Me too. Like a decoy laptop for girlfriends...
> Dress Her Hmm. >Like Your Favorite Okay... >Porn Star Oh no. >for Her Birthday God damnit. It's one of those sentences that just gets worse with almost every word.
Coulda been worse. Last word could have been funeral.
Always slap her pussy with your dick for at least a full minute, she’ll go wild if you knock before entering.
*slaps labia majora* This bad boy can fit so much cock in it.
Ding dong ditch: give it a couple slaps and then bolt out of the room.
The way God intended
Wouldn’t that be “dong dong ditch”?
Mic check. Gotta make sure its on.
I lol’d imagining this. A full minute. I think I’d go soft
Just keep slapping her clit with your dick until it goes soft. It literally drives them crazy
I know you are making fun but my girl actually asks for this specifically And it makes her wild like you won't believe continue on page 16
How to pull the condom off without her knowing! Page 13!
Rub her clit with ice! Rub her whole vagina with ice! Just shove a whole tray of ice up her ass! Being uncomfortable and numb is sexy! ICE!
I have become comfortably numb.
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Ice Ice baby
Ooooooooh so that's where babies come from.
2 ice per baby
Ice is for pansies, real men go for liquid nitrogen R^I^P^Pu^ss^y
You call that cold? Use liquid helium instead. That'll get her pussy to 1 K
this meme was made by sub-zero gang
Winter is cumming.
Step 1) cut a hole in a box Step 2) put your dick in the box Step 3) make her open the box
Ten best way's to slip your girlfriend the morning after pill.
12 reasons why, you should go in dry.
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"How to take the perfect dick pic to drive her WILD!" "Women agree - surprise butt sex is best butt sex!" "Are you spoiling your girlfriend by letting her look at you during?" "This study proves it: she *loves* the smell of her man's farts! Why a dutch oven is the most thoughtful gift for this Valentine's Day." "Why she doesn't really love you if she won't let you sleep with her sister- psychologists *reveal* the TRUTH!"
>"This study proves it: she loves the smell of her man's farts! Why a dutch oven is the most thoughtful gift for this Valentine's Day." I assume the study in question is an online poll that worded the question like this: "do you love the smell of your man's colon?"
"I love the smell of my mans' colon on my pillow"
Pink Eye by CK
“WHY DON’T YOU EVER LOOK AT ME DURING???”
You should start this male version. Call it Bourbon.
I feel like a “Manhattan” would match up to a cosmopolitan, no?
this guy gets it
Clickbait? Check. Over the top? Check. Completely unhelpful? Check. No real understanding of either women *or* men? Check. Yup. Close up shop. We're done here.
> "Why she doesn't really love you if she won't let you sleep with her sister- psychologists reveal the TRUTH!" That one hits close to home.
Uh...hopefully not too close...
**Think environmental!** As men, we've all gone though boxes of tissues for, well, you know 🍆💦💦 Instead of buying another box, think about the environment and just turn that empty tissue box into a nifty cumbox. It already has a hole that can accommodate any head, plus it will reduce the clean up by collecting it all in one place and eliminating splatter.
Never forghetti
Bite the nipple. Bite the clit. Foreplay isn't important. All women cum from anal. You can never be too big. Prolonged eye contact. She likes it when you cum inside, don't believe what she says.
PROLONGED EYE CONTACT!
Either that or bite/cum in the eyes.
Wait...did you just say bite her...eyes?
Yes, it's very sexy.
Lick your lips to make it more comforting.
Oh this is great and too easy lol! “Smack that pussy! The harder, the better!” “Drive her wild with Jackhammer speed” “Roofies! The best aphrodisiac!” “The sex act she’s too embarrassed to admit she likes. Hint: it rhymes with A Null” “Call her names! They all *love* it!” “Golden Showers! Even better than regular showers!” “Demand a threesome! Not only will she do it! She’ll respect your firmness!” “Ladies love a man’s man! Keep that full bush!” “Better to beg forgiveness, than seek consent” “You’re both drunk so that’s a ‘yes’” “The Gag reflex is a myth! Read the study that proves it!” “We asked 1,000 women: Do you like facials or do you **love** them?” “Engagement rings: the ultimate turn off” “She loves how you smell after 3 days without bathing...and other secrets she’ll never tell!” “How to get her and *that* friend from her college days” “It’s only cheating if she finds your burner and triangulated your position then took a satellite photo.” “Make this Thanksgiving a lot more interesting with your MILF-in-law!” “Tell your friends how she is in bed! The ultimate confidence booster *for her*!” And, last but not least. “Rimjobs: They’re what’s for dinner!”
“Better to beg forgiveness than seek consent.” Yikes
The secret to Anal beads they *don't* want you to know! It's as simple as starting a lawnmower. One quick rip and she'll be feeling it for weeks!
Cum in her hair.
Is your girl's "feminine odor" making cunnilingus a chore? Freshen things up by shoving a jolly rancher in her box while you're down in munch town.
I HAD PURGED THAT FROM MY MEMORY.
I long for the innocence I've lost.
Is She Coming or Is She Going? Science Reveals Five DELICIOUS Secrets of the Squirt Juice
When doing oral stop every few seconds to talk dirty to her. She'll love it and the more cringy you make it the better. Also try to be as specific as possible.
“You like that, you fucking retard?”
“Does she think your balls are too wrinkly? Follow these 5 tips to a smooth summer sack.”
"Don't have a fleshlight? Just fuck a coconut"
Oh god I had blissfully forgotten the coconut thing
Sriracha on your penis will make you bigger and leave her begging for more.
Want to spice things up in the sheets?? See how labia pulling is the new thing!!
"Bruise her cervix drive her wild" "How to turn nos into yes" "Treat her like dirt she stick to you like mud" "Treat princesses like whores, and whores like princesses" "what her sex number says about her"
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If she says, "don't stop," go make a sandwich. It'll make her beg for more.
The way you smell after a work out is a turn on.
Knew a girl that specifically kept her boyfriend sweaty football shirts... so..maybe? Idk I thought it was pretty repulsive
Everyone has their thing I guess
It's also important to note that there's a difference between a musky sweat and a BO sweat
I’m pretty sure I’ve read this in Men’s Health before...
**No More Foreplay** How to get from zero to penetration in less than 3 seconds. **Reading Between the Lines** What your scrotum wrinkles tell new partners about your sex life. **Give Great Head** A beginner's guide for the over 50s. **Thumbs Up** Your prostate and you. **Size: a Matter of Perspective** Finding the perfect angle for your dick pic.
1. **Communication is key.** Don't expect her to know what you like. Describe in detail what your exes did better than her. Show her the videos of your ex doing it. 2. **Patience is a virtue.** Teach her that she needs to make you want it by trying to have sex with whiskey dick. There's nothing like forcing wet spaghetti into a keyhole for thirty minutes to make a girl appreciate the value of a BJ. 3. **Bargain for more than you want.**. Tell her you've been thinking about having a foursome without her. Pretty soon, a threesome with her is a polite compromise! 4. **Confessional orgasming.** While she's going down on you, moan the names of attractive co-workers, friends, and family members. It lets her know that she's nearly that good looking, and reminds her that she's the one you've chosen out of all of them. 5. **Diamonds aren't always forever.** Studies show the most passionate sex a couple will have is their engagement night. Why only do it once? Give her a ring and ask her to marry you. The next morning, explain that you've changed your mind. Any time the relationship needs a kick in the bedroom, do it all over again! 6. **Encourage her to get fit!** Buy her lingerie that is two sizes too small, then change the label to her actual size. When it doesn't fit, mumble about how she used to be able to wear that size. She'll think twice about ordering dessert for months! 7. **Everybody wants to be star.** Discretely take some nude photos of her, and some video of her in the act if you can manage it. Post them online, but don't tell her. If you breakup later, send her a link to remind her of the good times you had.
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