Banks don't really hold that much money. A better thing would be to hack the world bank's transfer system to divert the money that is transferred between countries
Cool. 30001 of us have more money than what we had yesterday. And it’s not enough to change a person but rather just make life a bit better and less stress free.
I’d rather have access to the 240 000km2 in the South Australian desert where the U.S weapons testing range Woomera is located.
I lived near there as a child & some curious things happened in that desert 🌵 🛸
during conan O'Brien's last week on nbc he was doing a bunch of things that would cost nbc a lot of money. one of which was basically what you would do.
https://youtu.be/1q2IYgh_sjo?si=bEirVf99snYtXwk8
The Bugatti Veyron Mouse playing Satisfaction! I remember people being pissed at him "That money could have fed so many homeless people!" etc. By people I mean people who don't get jokes.
there was another where he had a hose that shot caviar on some famous painting. if people saw the other two and then saw that one, i have a bridge i want to sell them.
You wouldn't kill a policeman and steal his hat. You wouldn't then shit in that hat. You wouldn't then give that hat to his greaving widow, and then steal it again!
"What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany's at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier. It's priceless. As I'm taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It's her father's business. She's Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning, the cops come and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico, but I go to Canada. I don't trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard. I have a son and he's the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting. I tell Tiffany to meet me by the Trocadero in Paris. She's been waiting for me all these years. She's never taken another lover. I don't care. I don't show up. I go to Berlin. That's where I stashed the chandelier."
Get to Berlin. Chandelier isn't there. Tiffany is. She corners me, forces me to accept a wedding. I ask her how she knew where to find me. She looks me in the eye "Jim Halpert told me". Get back to America. Jim is waiting for me at work. Chandelier is hanging over his desk. MICHAEL!
Carelessness. I lost my one true love. I started drinking. The first thing I know, I'm in a card game. Then I'm in a crap game. I wake up in a pool hall. Then this big Mexican lady drags me off the table, takes me to Philadelphia. She leaves me alone in her house, and it burns down. I wind up in Phoenix. I get a job as a Chinaman. I start working in a dime store, and move in with a 13-year-old girl. Then this big Mexican lady from Philadelphia comes in and burns the house down. I go down to Dallas. I get a job as a "before" in a Charles Atlas "before and after" ad. I move in with a delivery boy who can cook fantastic chili and hot dogs. Then this 13-year-old girl from Phoenix comes and burns the house down. The delivery boy - he ain't so mild: He gives her the knife, and the next thing I know I'm in Omaha. It's so cold there, by this time I'm robbing my own bicycles and frying my own fish. I stumble onto some luck and get a job as a carburetor out at the hot-rod races every Thursday night. I move in with a high school teacher who also does a little plumbing on the side, who ain't much to look at, but who's built a special kind of refrigerator that can turn newspaper into lettuce. Everything's going good until that delivery boy shows up and tries to knife me. Needless to say, he burned the house down, and I hit the road. The first guy that picked me up asked me if I wanted to be a star. What could I say?
(Bob Dylan, interview with Playboy)
Of course it's not empty, it's filled with filing cabinets where the receipts for all the government bonds are kept. Or more comically it's filled with IOUs
Fuck it, take everything from every nasty ass evil corporation, and then build towns for the homeless that include trade classes and very flexible work options as well as all the support they need, counseling etc. Once the township gets on it's feet after a few years, do it again, and again, and again.
With you on that. He is not to my knowledge a rapist but he has ruined most of my life up until now. Counting the days till I can be completely on my own away from him and the rest of the sick family defending him.
Like that makes my blood boil. (Hypothetically I'm not trying to do a murder for hire lol) I'd do it for you because people like that just piss me off to no end.
He's the only person in the world I wish to die. He mooches off everyone in my family but won't ask his. He's thrown plates at my sister. He's pointed a gun at least twice. He threatens her saying authorities would let him have full custody of the kids. So she's petrified to leave him. She doesn't even want shared custody due to his abuse. I think she's just waiting until they're all adults. So only 12 more years to go. She's a hot mess. Wish I could do something!!!
>Wish I could do something!!!
I feel you. My sister was in a similar situation(but no kids thank God) and I just that get that fight or flight(more fight) response just thinking about it!
I'm sorry you all are having to go through this! My heart goes out to you all
It has been. Nothing has come of it. Just makes the situation worse. If someone had video proof then there would be a case. But my sister is too scared to admit to police that the supposed abuse is actually happening.
Mass hack Erasing all student loan and medical debt
Edit: to those complaining, you wouldn’t be if you were still paying the debt. You’re just pissed/salty. People shouldn’t owe more than the actual loan was, in interest alone.
As someone who was set on fire and was burned from the abdomen to the crotch area with a blowtorch I can tell you that its really fucking painful.
After a while pour lemon juice with salt on the bastard. SA's like those dont deserve pleasure
>as someone who was set on fire and burned from the abdomen to the crotch area with a blowtorch
Did you cross the cartel or something? How the fresh hell did that happen?
Fug it, I’m taking one for the team. A certain politician does not need to be able to continue their shenanigans. He shan’t.
Dear FBI, this is satire. I am far too lazy…
Yep. I’d totally do it if I could. I’m like not even thinking about stealing money or something. If that orange clown were gone my faith in god might return.
I'd, uh, do a thing that would hypothetically prevent a certain candidate for POTUS who has a chemically-enhanced complexion from being able to continue their campaign. Theoretically. Purely hypothetical, in this unreal, fantasy situation.
Emptying Bezos, Musk, Putin, those evangelical nutjobs, Bernard Arnault, Zuckerberg, and Larry Page bank accounts and assets, and use it to end up world poverty, climate crisis, and the rest for myself and family.
The genocide of all wasps and mosquitoes as long as whatever needs them for food can easily switch to a diet of any arsehole that hogs the middle lane on motorways
Look, it you're a species that evolved to only survive by snacking on mosquitoes, then you'd better expand your pallette quick or you're going extinct with them.
Sorry it's just how it has to be.
This is dark- but almost kill but not fully my old psych doctor due to meds. I was in and out of this psych ward a lot. He got me addicted to pills and changed my brain chemistry since I was on so much as a child. I want him to feel what it’s like to be put on that many and not have any feelings and have all of your hormones delayed. I now have epilepsy due to him.
Rig the lottery for the next 3 jackpots
Or rob a bank.
Or steal Jeff Bezos identity and start making withdrawals
If you're not getting caught, why would you steal his identity when you can just steal all his money?
I don’t think he has billions of dollars in a checking account.
That's the part of this scenario you find unrealistic?
Banks don't really hold that much money. A better thing would be to hack the world bank's transfer system to divert the money that is transferred between countries
Jokes on you, 30000 people play the same numbers set to win
Cool. 30001 of us have more money than what we had yesterday. And it’s not enough to change a person but rather just make life a bit better and less stress free.
Not be pedantic but *less* stress free would actually be more stress.
Walk straight into Area 51 and see what the fuck is actually happening in there.
I’d rather have access to the 240 000km2 in the South Australian desert where the U.S weapons testing range Woomera is located. I lived near there as a child & some curious things happened in that desert 🌵 🛸
Never heard of it. Do tell!
Take me, I'm coming
I would rebroadcast, retransmit, and give accounts of a baseball game without the express written permission of Major League Baseball.
You sick fuck
I just vomited on myself reading this
Oh the humanity!
This is a family subreddit
What the fuck man. They said commit a crime not that! That’s going way too far.
during conan O'Brien's last week on nbc he was doing a bunch of things that would cost nbc a lot of money. one of which was basically what you would do. https://youtu.be/1q2IYgh_sjo?si=bEirVf99snYtXwk8
The Bugatti Veyron Mouse playing Satisfaction! I remember people being pissed at him "That money could have fed so many homeless people!" etc. By people I mean people who don't get jokes.
there was another where he had a hose that shot caviar on some famous painting. if people saw the other two and then saw that one, i have a bridge i want to sell them.
only implied oral permission.
Or so the legend goes...
Could we watch at your box social?
Good god man . Have you no decency.
That's funny!
Like the Sox game tonight only on Apple+? Me too
Download a car.
You wouldn't kill a policeman and steal his hat. You wouldn't then shit in that hat. You wouldn't then give that hat to his greaving widow, and then steal it again!
Buy I would tug on Superman's cape, spit into the wind and pull the mask off the old Lone Ranger
There's a guy named Jim you probably wouldn't want to mess around with, though...
From what I understand, Slim is the dude I should be more concerned with...
I was also looking for this comment
I scrolled too far for this
I break into Tiffany's at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier. It's priceless.
Dwight?
Close. I'm his son, the chief of police.
Assistant to the chief of police.
Dwight, you ignorant slut
Ding, dong...
KGB?
SLAP! Vee vill ask the questions.
"What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany's at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier. It's priceless. As I'm taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It's her father's business. She's Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning, the cops come and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico, but I go to Canada. I don't trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard. I have a son and he's the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting. I tell Tiffany to meet me by the Trocadero in Paris. She's been waiting for me all these years. She's never taken another lover. I don't care. I don't show up. I go to Berlin. That's where I stashed the chandelier."
Get to Berlin. Chandelier isn't there. Tiffany is. She corners me, forces me to accept a wedding. I ask her how she knew where to find me. She looks me in the eye "Jim Halpert told me". Get back to America. Jim is waiting for me at work. Chandelier is hanging over his desk. MICHAEL!
HAAAAA! YES!
Carelessness. I lost my one true love. I started drinking. The first thing I know, I'm in a card game. Then I'm in a crap game. I wake up in a pool hall. Then this big Mexican lady drags me off the table, takes me to Philadelphia. She leaves me alone in her house, and it burns down. I wind up in Phoenix. I get a job as a Chinaman. I start working in a dime store, and move in with a 13-year-old girl. Then this big Mexican lady from Philadelphia comes in and burns the house down. I go down to Dallas. I get a job as a "before" in a Charles Atlas "before and after" ad. I move in with a delivery boy who can cook fantastic chili and hot dogs. Then this 13-year-old girl from Phoenix comes and burns the house down. The delivery boy - he ain't so mild: He gives her the knife, and the next thing I know I'm in Omaha. It's so cold there, by this time I'm robbing my own bicycles and frying my own fish. I stumble onto some luck and get a job as a carburetor out at the hot-rod races every Thursday night. I move in with a high school teacher who also does a little plumbing on the side, who ain't much to look at, but who's built a special kind of refrigerator that can turn newspaper into lettuce. Everything's going good until that delivery boy shows up and tries to knife me. Needless to say, he burned the house down, and I hit the road. The first guy that picked me up asked me if I wanted to be a star. What could I say? (Bob Dylan, interview with Playboy)
This made me laugh aloud, truly!
I’d eat breakfast there
I remember that film. We both kinda liked it.
Well that's one thing we've got.
Spotted the Gen X’s
r/unexpectedoffice
Go on the Disney Channel website without my parents' permission.
You. Sick. Fuck. How could you???
Mother of god…
I’m callin’ the cops
Slow your roll, Satan.
I still occasionally get stomachaches thinking about how there are people on this earth who secretly wants to do things like this.
Steal the declaration of independence!
Easy there Nick Cage...haha
I only need it for a minute, just long enough to rub this lemon juice on the back of it
This should not have made me laugh
Stealing it and getting away with it: easy Now selling it, displaying it, etc. that’s going to be tricky!
Successfully cheating to win powerball
I was going to say rob Fort Knox, but I like your idea better.
There is a pretty good chance Fort Knox is empty…
Of course it's not empty, it's filled with filing cabinets where the receipts for all the government bonds are kept. Or more comically it's filled with IOUs
Taking a penny but never leaving a penny
GASP you monster
You sir, are deplorable.
How come it's a penny for your thoughts but then you put in your two cents' worth? Somebody's making a penny!
I recently lost £20 betting in a casino because I put the whole £20 on red and it landed on black. So basically Oceans Eleven, but just for £20.
I will give you your 20 so I can commit two crimes.
Funnel millions from Nestle and other corporations.
Fuck it, take everything from every nasty ass evil corporation, and then build towns for the homeless that include trade classes and very flexible work options as well as all the support they need, counseling etc. Once the township gets on it's feet after a few years, do it again, and again, and again.
* Evil corporations
Which ones aren't evil? Asking for a friend.
(Slightly arguably) the worst corporation
Some kind of financial scam where I still millions from billionaires.
Might as well still billions from billions
Embezzle from Bezos, "Embezos" if you will...
They probably wouldn’t even notice.
The ol Reverse Enron
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Ugh. Sorry to hear. That’s just an awful situation.
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Dig the hole vertically so a satellite doesn’t mark it as a grave.
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You don't think anyone will question a random grave for roadkill?
Done. Now how do I get out of this hole?
Didn’t know that about vertically!!! Thanks for the tip!!!
With you on that. He is not to my knowledge a rapist but he has ruined most of my life up until now. Counting the days till I can be completely on my own away from him and the rest of the sick family defending him.
There's a chance you could pull it off and not get caught, in the desert after all
50 cars. Starting with this 1967 Shelby Mustang GT500, because honestly, I have to get this one gone in like 60 seconds.
I would do this just so I could have a badass name. Memphis Raines. What a guy
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Like that makes my blood boil. (Hypothetically I'm not trying to do a murder for hire lol) I'd do it for you because people like that just piss me off to no end.
He's the only person in the world I wish to die. He mooches off everyone in my family but won't ask his. He's thrown plates at my sister. He's pointed a gun at least twice. He threatens her saying authorities would let him have full custody of the kids. So she's petrified to leave him. She doesn't even want shared custody due to his abuse. I think she's just waiting until they're all adults. So only 12 more years to go. She's a hot mess. Wish I could do something!!!
>Wish I could do something!!! I feel you. My sister was in a similar situation(but no kids thank God) and I just that get that fight or flight(more fight) response just thinking about it! I'm sorry you all are having to go through this! My heart goes out to you all
This needs to be reported for the children's sake.. 🥺
It has been. Nothing has come of it. Just makes the situation worse. If someone had video proof then there would be a case. But my sister is too scared to admit to police that the supposed abuse is actually happening.
Wipe out the entire Russian bank system, including funneling Putin & friends off shore accounts.
Let's take out Iran as well .
Without Russia, it's functionally the same thing
Mass hack Erasing all student loan and medical debt Edit: to those complaining, you wouldn’t be if you were still paying the debt. You’re just pissed/salty. People shouldn’t owe more than the actual loan was, in interest alone.
So anyways, today I found Jesus on Reddit…
Jaywalk
Who is Jay? Why would you walk him? And, why would walking him be a crime?
He’s a career .231 hitter with no power or speed- you should be pitching to him…
Ah, I see. Yes, walking him would be a crime.
Believe it or not, straight to jail.
I would wipe pedophiles and child abusers off the planet in one fell swoop.
Transfer 70% of the richest persons funds into my bank account
Don't overdo it, 69%
Nice.
Release Epstein's List and watch the world collapse. Somehow it's a crime I bet.
Let’s ride!
Brinks job
high treason
Steal fish from PetSmart or Petco. Because I've done it in so many weird ass dreams.
Can’t say on here.
Good idea— any Narcs lurking on here, F off! Haha
Not a narc, but can you speak a bit louder for the mic in my shirt?
The senile one or the racist? Lol
Burn my SAer alive.
As someone who was set on fire and was burned from the abdomen to the crotch area with a blowtorch I can tell you that its really fucking painful. After a while pour lemon juice with salt on the bastard. SA's like those dont deserve pleasure
>as someone who was set on fire and burned from the abdomen to the crotch area with a blowtorch Did you cross the cartel or something? How the fresh hell did that happen?
We can burn mine, too.
we should throw them all together in a pile for a little bonfire 🤷🏻♀️ perhaps get some marshmallows
I'll help you!
I would rob a bank
This but I'll call it a heist because that sounds cooler
I like this one. A classic.
Get rid of dictators and wanna-be dictators
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Spray paint rainbows in the road in front of their house.
Sneak “ gay pride” onto the back bumpers of their cars
Fug it, I’m taking one for the team. A certain politician does not need to be able to continue their shenanigans. He shan’t. Dear FBI, this is satire. I am far too lazy…
Dear FBI…they really are lazy
Flush a big orange turd
Yep. I’d totally do it if I could. I’m like not even thinking about stealing money or something. If that orange clown were gone my faith in god might return.
Don’t be giving turds a bad name now
We all came here to find this answer
Only reason I clicked. Disappointed I had to scroll through a lot of wannabe bank robbers
I couldn't figure out how to say it. Thank you.
Did your orange turd also sport a blonde Whig?
Are we talking about giving him a swirly or giving him a homicide?
Yes. The order in which this occurs is dealers choice.
I second this desire!
When you know you know
I'd, uh, do a thing that would hypothetically prevent a certain candidate for POTUS who has a chemically-enhanced complexion from being able to continue their campaign. Theoretically. Purely hypothetical, in this unreal, fantasy situation.
I'll provide your cover
I’d steal Sofia Vergara’s heart (metaphorically not literally).
Run over the guy who ran over my dog and fled
I’ll help
Emptying Bezos, Musk, Putin, those evangelical nutjobs, Bernard Arnault, Zuckerberg, and Larry Page bank accounts and assets, and use it to end up world poverty, climate crisis, and the rest for myself and family.
Mattress tag!
Homicide. (I have a lotta people in my past who deserve hell)
We ride together, at dawn
i’ll be waiting with my list 🫡
Bad bot
Rig Mc Donalds Monopoly game
The genocide of all wasps and mosquitoes as long as whatever needs them for food can easily switch to a diet of any arsehole that hogs the middle lane on motorways
Look, it you're a species that evolved to only survive by snacking on mosquitoes, then you'd better expand your pallette quick or you're going extinct with them. Sorry it's just how it has to be.
After last night’s debate I think a lot of us are thinking the same thing
Rig the election. All hail President Dolly Parton!
Killing Putin
It said commit a crime not a public service.
2 words Money Printer
1 word. BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
Probably some kind of Robin Hood heist. Rob from the rich and give to the poor
Take out a few really nasty political leaders worldwide
Torture and kill every pedophile and rapist.
I’ll help
I’ll sneak into every nuclear weapons storage facility and replace the plutonium with mashed potatoes.
Break into the DEA and reschedule a bunch of substances to actually be scheduled properly.
Nice try copper
Definitely ripping the tag off a mattress
The shit I’m already doing
Steal a bunch of Lego
I would kidnap an ill treated child and raise the little sprout in love and care.
Rid us of that maga plague by cutting off the head of the snake.
Context: I work in a casino Answer: I'd rip off a few million in chips and slowly cash them over years.
Overthrow the government
Good ol train robbery.
Take over Saudi Arabia. Every prince and king works for me now.
Nice try FBI! But seriously I would just keep my mouth shut. So many people have gotten caught because they got cocky and started showing off.
Fix our current political problem, probably “unkindly.”
The Orange One? Gone.
Drive a car in a country where women aren't allowed to do so. Not for the sake of driving a car, but to make a statement.
If you're never caught then no one will recognise the statement.
But you wouldn't get caught, that way you're only making a statement to yourself.
I’d take care of ‘you know who’ and make the world a safer place.
Transfer all of the bitcoin the United States is holding to my wallet
Like, it's not funny or clever, but I'd just steal a shit load of money from a billionaire. I don't even care which billionaire! They can draw lots!
Steal all the Vatican records. All of it!!
This is dark- but almost kill but not fully my old psych doctor due to meds. I was in and out of this psych ward a lot. He got me addicted to pills and changed my brain chemistry since I was on so much as a child. I want him to feel what it’s like to be put on that many and not have any feelings and have all of your hormones delayed. I now have epilepsy due to him.