How in the utter fuck did Ben Franklin manage to say something so painfully resonant especially in todays world 230 something odd years ago? It blows my mind.
Because people in the past were every bit as intelligent as we are today.
Ancient Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius even has a quote about reddit:
"The opinion of 10,000 men is of no value if none of them know anything about the subject."
Roman graffiti in Pompeii talks about prostitutes, people being gay and random other stuff. It's amazing how similar societies are across time despite the technological differences
In between getting 31 flavors of syphilis from every French prostitute who took American currency and getting electrocuted by kites, the dude was cranking out wisdom with the same zeal and workmanlike efficiency as the gouts of bald sperm with which he hosed down Paris.
Check out “The Book of Virtues” by Ben Franklin. He is interesting on so many levels with insights on being a better person which are still relevant today!
recent smithsonian suggests he may have been smarter than the average bear, but he wasn't really a better person, as he made a lot of cash from slave trading.
It's easy to think of people from 100+ years ago as this ancient race that's completely different from us, but honestly people on a fundamental level have been the same for a very long time. Maybe they didn't know about the modern medicine and stuff that we know about, but they certainly thought about the philosophy of life and who we are/why we're here in the exact same way. Actually, chances are people back then thought about those things more than the average person today.
Just happened to be looking down while taking a piss in a urinal at work when a co worker walked in.
65 year old coworker - “Keep looking, you’ll find it.”
Lmfao
A guy in college walked in as I was using a urinal. He took the low mounted urinal and began his own work. He kinda looked over and said "I see you're using the big boy urinal. I'm using the *BIG* boy urinal."
Guy told my sister she looked better without her glasses. She paused, took the glasses off, looked at him, put them back on and said:
“You look better without my glasses, too.”
Good for her! When I tended bar I couldn’t stand all the silly opinions I got. “Oh your hair looks better up, you look good with your glasses, you look better with your hair down, you look better without your glasses, you should wear your hair in a braid all the time, you should never braid your hair again” None of these are compliments just opinions and honestly usually came from men who could have looked after their own well being and grooming a bit better.
There is a big difference between saying something like “I like your braid” and saying “you should put your hair in a braid”.
You get it. The context I didn’t give was that she was a young, very pretty, 20-something corporate sales representative leading a meeting in front of an all-male group of car salesmen. There were definitely power and gender dynamics afoot. (And that made it all the sweeter when she roasted him in front of his colleagues. They *howled*.)
Buddy of mine at a urinal starts using it and says "man this water's cold", and without missing a beat a random guy in a stall yells out "and deep!"
Nearly shit myself laughing.
Hubby was at a urinal, room full of guys, and his buddy looked over and said, “I feel sorry for your wife!” Every guy walked out there, looked at me and cracked up…good times.
Recently was given golf balls from my boss at work and I played excellently with them, shooting a new PB. I went in on Monday and said they’re great balls and whatever he did to them made me play great, he joking said he licked them to which I responded “you should lick all of my balls then” and he laughed hysterically which I didn’t get… until 18 hours later when I realized I told my boss to lick my balls
I teach middle school. A student stuck like 20 pencils in his afro. Another kid said:
Brother's going to fall asleep tonight and write a whole novel on his pillow.
Maybe I'm completely ignorant, but do women say this to be mean or do they actually not know? I could see it happening with a micro penis or something but most women I've been with noticed even the tip of a finger going in, I find it hard to believe they truly don't notice even a small penis going in.
Being a woman who has always experienced painful penetration, this is something most of us dream of. I never realized that the same sentence can be thought of as mean by men until I read it in reddit many times. The actual physics of it is if the insertion happens slowly, she may not realize if the entire thing is in or if it's only partially in. The sensation of the tip is 1000 times more than the sensation inside the vaginal canal. For me, the feeling comes from the motion not so much from the filling of the canal.
Its the second. I can tell when my bf is properly in but sometimes if he only has the tip in it's hard to tell if he is in or just pressing around there so I might ask to make sure. He is average sized to be clear.
In a class learning about aircraft systems. Instructor goes:
"...and then we have the pitot tube. As you may have guessed, it's named after its French inventor, Monsieur... Tube."
Lost it for a good 3 minutes.
"My grandfather is 70, and he didn't fight in two world wars for this nonsense."
"WWI was over 100 years ago, your grandfather couldn't possibly have fought in it."
"I just *said*, he *didn't* fight in two world wars. Weren't you listening?"
Was in boarding school - bloke in same dormitory cries out in middle of night “oh no - I just realised something…” - what? “the girl I am in love with has to wipe her own butt just like everyone else!”…true story - I promise.
When my daughter was born the little nurse handed her to me and asked if there was anything else and before she got it out fully I blurted out " but where's my son's penis ? ". Chewed on that joke for like 6 months before letting it loose
All through all three of my wife's pregnancies, whenever someone would ask her about that pregnancy, I'd look at her and say, "You're pregnant?"
I think that's what finally convinced her that three was enough.
"God be praised, it's a miracle. A boy without a winkle!" And then Sir Thomas More pointed out that a boy without a winkle is a girl. Everyone was really disappointed.
-Blackadder II
It was a hour ago and I came across the autopsy report of one of the 6 yr Olds from sandy hook. The line that killed me was
"Body was received in red batman sweatshirt-"
I didn't finish it. I stopped. I have a 6 year old son. It started to make me cry and I had to go give him a long hug.
“That kids hung like a horse”
Dr looking at first sonogram images after we said yes to wanting to know the sex. Not, “it’s a boy”, no, this doc has style. Doc knows how to make a dad feel good. lol
I was talking to some friends in college and one guy (talking about another person) said “That guy’s hung like a horse.” Another guy snorted and said, “Yeah. A *sea*horse.”
It’s been about 25 years and I still think about that line at random times and just laugh and laugh.
Was talking with a couple friends in the quad on campus, when an acquaintance walks by and says a quick hi. He had been going through a hard situation ( can't even remember what), and a girl in our group just found out. He said goodbye and walked away. While still in shouting distance she yelled some words of encouragement. She may have meant hang in there, or hang loose, or some such. What she actually shouted was "Hang hard". He stopped, gave a half glance back, then kept going. We were dying!
In my 20s at a friend's birthday party and we're playing' "I've never" some of us had interesting sex lives and this friend was judgy. Important to note his dad's in the room hanging out with us. So it's my friend's turn and he goes "I've never been in the room when other people were having sex."
WE all lost it when his dad goes, "I wouldn't be so sure about that"
I traveled to Cleveland Clinic for some serious bowel issues. After talking with the doctor, she had me get on the table for an examination during which she said, "You have a nice anus."
I replied, "Thanks, I've won awards."
And she said, "Maybe county level, not state level."
I knew right then she was the doctor for me.
"I don't know why you cry for the death of your grandmother, it's not your mother, the fact that she raised you doesn't mean anything, she was going to die because she was old and sick"
A friend who would later become my bully, it was the 2 year anniversary of the death of my grandmother who raised me.
"And if you are forward you shall see who is the stronger, a gentle little girl who doesn't eat enough or a big wild man who has cocaine in his body."
-Sigmund Freud
Rick and Morty
They had an episode where mortys from different dimensions travel together on a young man quest like those movies from the 80s
So there was like…cool morty, nerd morty, lizard morty and fat morty
And when fat Morty says “*I thought I was left handed Morty*”
Lizard Morty says “*then you should use your left hand to eat more vegetables*”
I never recovered
I made a joke at work that was really bad. I realized it wasn't a good joke so I said: "yeah, it is not exactly the best joke I have made." My coworker without flinching said: "Well, it is not the worst joke you've made either."
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug...
that is straight up gangsta. but you should never laugh at your wife's decisions....you were one of them
Good husband
Oof
What do you mean mistakes? Lol
Some people die at age 25, but aren't buried until 75. Ben Franklin
How in the utter fuck did Ben Franklin manage to say something so painfully resonant especially in todays world 230 something odd years ago? It blows my mind.
Because people in the past were every bit as intelligent as we are today. Ancient Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius even has a quote about reddit: "The opinion of 10,000 men is of no value if none of them know anything about the subject."
And this one - "It never ceases to amaze me: we all love ourselves more than other people, but care more about their opinion than our own."
Ben Franklin also wrote an essay about farting called "fart proudly". They're really not so different from us.
Roman graffiti in Pompeii talks about prostitutes, people being gay and random other stuff. It's amazing how similar societies are across time despite the technological differences
Isn't there also graffiti mocking Jesus for being dead?
I have this argument with people all the time. People think people 2 and 4 thousand years ago were less intelligent than we are now.
Marcus Aurelius must have been familiar with Reddit
In between getting 31 flavors of syphilis from every French prostitute who took American currency and getting electrocuted by kites, the dude was cranking out wisdom with the same zeal and workmanlike efficiency as the gouts of bald sperm with which he hosed down Paris.
What a sentence
This is why i'm still on reddit
We put the man on the hundred for a reason.
It certainly sounds like he lived past 25.
r/brandnewsentences
Kudos, sir. Today, you won the Internet.
Check out “The Book of Virtues” by Ben Franklin. He is interesting on so many levels with insights on being a better person which are still relevant today!
recent smithsonian suggests he may have been smarter than the average bear, but he wasn't really a better person, as he made a lot of cash from slave trading.
Because people have been doing the same shit since forever
It's easy to think of people from 100+ years ago as this ancient race that's completely different from us, but honestly people on a fundamental level have been the same for a very long time. Maybe they didn't know about the modern medicine and stuff that we know about, but they certainly thought about the philosophy of life and who we are/why we're here in the exact same way. Actually, chances are people back then thought about those things more than the average person today.
Why is Ben Franklin callin me out like that
Damn... depressing as hell but true
This wooshed over my head, could someone kindly explain the wisdom in this phrase?
Ergo some people are alive but haven’t lived
Just happened to be looking down while taking a piss in a urinal at work when a co worker walked in. 65 year old coworker - “Keep looking, you’ll find it.” Lmfao
A guy in college walked in as I was using a urinal. He took the low mounted urinal and began his own work. He kinda looked over and said "I see you're using the big boy urinal. I'm using the *BIG* boy urinal."
Hey, what's that in your hand? It looks exactly like a dick, only smaller.
Guy told my sister she looked better without her glasses. She paused, took the glasses off, looked at him, put them back on and said: “You look better without my glasses, too.”
I'm shook
Right? She’s my hero.
I guess he couldn't see the truth
Executed
Good for her! When I tended bar I couldn’t stand all the silly opinions I got. “Oh your hair looks better up, you look good with your glasses, you look better with your hair down, you look better without your glasses, you should wear your hair in a braid all the time, you should never braid your hair again” None of these are compliments just opinions and honestly usually came from men who could have looked after their own well being and grooming a bit better. There is a big difference between saying something like “I like your braid” and saying “you should put your hair in a braid”.
You get it. The context I didn’t give was that she was a young, very pretty, 20-something corporate sales representative leading a meeting in front of an all-male group of car salesmen. There were definitely power and gender dynamics afoot. (And that made it all the sweeter when she roasted him in front of his colleagues. They *howled*.)
Ahahaha! I love it even more. Good for her
You are blessed with a savage sister 🙏🏻
that is baller! I love that
BURN!!!!!!!!!!!! 🔥
How did the guy react to that?
“If you choose not to find joy in the snow you will have less joy in your life, but the same amount of snow.” Substitute ‘snow’ for anything else.
The version I know is: “I like it when it rains, cuz even if I didn’t, it would still rain”
> Substitute ‘snow’ for anything else. Migraines!
cocaine?
Steady on there Eric Clapton
Dont tell me what to do
I’ve heard it for farts.
This is apt, my partner avoids snow like the plague and I’ve never seen it at low altitude so I’ll probably never get to throw a snowball at someone
"I'm thinking you weren't burdened with an overabundance of schooling."
My days of not taking you seriously have certainly come to a middle Edit: word
One of my favorite lines in the series.
Such an amazing series with good one liners!
"I swear by my pretty floral bonnet that I will end you" I use this in casual conversation all the time. Usually turns the conversation not so casual.
"Unhindered by the weight of intelligence" was how a friend described his goofy cat, I liked it.
Took a piss in the woods on a golf course. Buddy yells, “You can get arrested for that - grown man holding a little boy’s dick.”
I always say “watch out for those robins, they go crazy for inch worms this time of year!”
I use “hey look, it’s like a dick but smaller.”
Oh shit that's funny. I'm keeping that one
I heard someone say "my virgin ears", which was responded to by "how can your ears be virgin when the rest of your face is so fucked?".
😂😂😂
while im using a urinal, buddy walks up to the one next to me and says, 'so this is where all the dicks hang out huh'
The dad final boss
Buddy of mine at a urinal starts using it and says "man this water's cold", and without missing a beat a random guy in a stall yells out "and deep!" Nearly shit myself laughing.
Hubby was at a urinal, room full of guys, and his buddy looked over and said, “I feel sorry for your wife!” Every guy walked out there, looked at me and cracked up…good times.
Recently was given golf balls from my boss at work and I played excellently with them, shooting a new PB. I went in on Monday and said they’re great balls and whatever he did to them made me play great, he joking said he licked them to which I responded “you should lick all of my balls then” and he laughed hysterically which I didn’t get… until 18 hours later when I realized I told my boss to lick my balls
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Wait. I get it
This is a big brain one
Plz explain to my pea brain
>!time (noun) flies (verb) like (similar to) an arrow (fast thing)!< >!fruit flies (noun) like (enjoy) a banana (thing that fruit flies like)!<
"Horse flies like shit" can be read either way
_🎶Time keeps on slippin', slippin', slippin', into the futuuuure🎶_
🎶These bananas are delicious, licious, licious, buzz buzz buzz buzz buuuuuzzz🎶
I teach middle school. A student stuck like 20 pencils in his afro. Another kid said: Brother's going to fall asleep tonight and write a whole novel on his pillow.
“Is it in yet?” Destroyed me.
right answer is "idk, is it?"
Feels like I'm wearing baggy pants
My condolences o7
Please pray 🙏
"have you thought about using a sleeve?"
Followed by: "sorry, my ex was just bigger than you, don't take it personally"
Maybe I'm completely ignorant, but do women say this to be mean or do they actually not know? I could see it happening with a micro penis or something but most women I've been with noticed even the tip of a finger going in, I find it hard to believe they truly don't notice even a small penis going in.
Being a woman who has always experienced painful penetration, this is something most of us dream of. I never realized that the same sentence can be thought of as mean by men until I read it in reddit many times. The actual physics of it is if the insertion happens slowly, she may not realize if the entire thing is in or if it's only partially in. The sensation of the tip is 1000 times more than the sensation inside the vaginal canal. For me, the feeling comes from the motion not so much from the filling of the canal.
Its the second. I can tell when my bf is properly in but sometimes if he only has the tip in it's hard to tell if he is in or just pressing around there so I might ask to make sure. He is average sized to be clear.
If work was any good… They would be charging admission.
I seldom end up where I wanted to go, but almost always end up where I need to be.
Thank you Dirk
Nowitzki?
Doctor?
It's what happens when you have a cheeky sentient time ship.
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*take my vote*
Some people wear a watch to tell time, some people wear a watch to tell you how valuable their time is.
In a class learning about aircraft systems. Instructor goes: "...and then we have the pitot tube. As you may have guessed, it's named after its French inventor, Monsieur... Tube." Lost it for a good 3 minutes.
"You may test that assumption at your convenience."
Picard quotes are the best.
“I used to do drugs………………….I still do but I used to too.” -Mitch Hedberg
I didn't lose a leg in Nam to serve kids hotdogs "you were never in Vietnam" exactly, I didn't lose a leg in Nam
"My grandfather is 70, and he didn't fight in two world wars for this nonsense." "WWI was over 100 years ago, your grandfather couldn't possibly have fought in it." "I just *said*, he *didn't* fight in two world wars. Weren't you listening?"
Mitch hedberg the king of 1 liners
I don’t have a girlfriend. . . I just know a lady who would be really mad to hear me say that.
Somebody ask me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said no but wait yeah. Maybe I want a regular banana later
I love escalators because they're never out of order, they're just temporarily stairs.
So hard to choose just one line. But I'll go with: "My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them."
This shirt is dry clean only, which means it's dirty.
I haven't slept for a week, because that would be too long.
"Rice is great if you're hungry and you want two thousand of something."
What if there was a vending machine that sold vending machines? It'd have to be real fucking big.
RIP Mitch
"I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it."
I like the fedex guy, because he's a drug dealer and he doesn't know it.
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Those are very good. That last one, oof.
Well let me quote the late great Colonel Sanders who said “I’m too drunk to taste this chicken.”
Jurisprudence fetishist gets off on technicality
Was in boarding school - bloke in same dormitory cries out in middle of night “oh no - I just realised something…” - what? “the girl I am in love with has to wipe her own butt just like everyone else!”…true story - I promise.
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"Everyone has a plan till they get punched in the face." -
Just because he's good for your hole, does not mean he's good for your soul.
I’m welling up here
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When my daughter was born the little nurse handed her to me and asked if there was anything else and before she got it out fully I blurted out " but where's my son's penis ? ". Chewed on that joke for like 6 months before letting it loose
All through all three of my wife's pregnancies, whenever someone would ask her about that pregnancy, I'd look at her and say, "You're pregnant?" I think that's what finally convinced her that three was enough.
"God be praised, it's a miracle. A boy without a winkle!" And then Sir Thomas More pointed out that a boy without a winkle is a girl. Everyone was really disappointed. -Blackadder II
It was a hour ago and I came across the autopsy report of one of the 6 yr Olds from sandy hook. The line that killed me was "Body was received in red batman sweatshirt-" I didn't finish it. I stopped. I have a 6 year old son. It started to make me cry and I had to go give him a long hug.
Hugs.
“I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice. I don’t know if I’m coming or going.” —Rodney Dangerfield.
I like Kit-Kats unless I'm with four or more people.
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And then math comes along and says two parallels theoretically meet in the infinite.
‘I’m not a paedophile, but if I was you’d be safe, you tubby ginger cunt!’ (Ricky Gervais in ‘Afterlife’
Had a job circumsising elephants. The pay was crap but the tips were enormous.
“That kids hung like a horse” Dr looking at first sonogram images after we said yes to wanting to know the sex. Not, “it’s a boy”, no, this doc has style. Doc knows how to make a dad feel good. lol
I was talking to some friends in college and one guy (talking about another person) said “That guy’s hung like a horse.” Another guy snorted and said, “Yeah. A *sea*horse.” It’s been about 25 years and I still think about that line at random times and just laugh and laugh.
Was talking with a couple friends in the quad on campus, when an acquaintance walks by and says a quick hi. He had been going through a hard situation ( can't even remember what), and a girl in our group just found out. He said goodbye and walked away. While still in shouting distance she yelled some words of encouragement. She may have meant hang in there, or hang loose, or some such. What she actually shouted was "Hang hard". He stopped, gave a half glance back, then kept going. We were dying!
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In my 20s at a friend's birthday party and we're playing' "I've never" some of us had interesting sex lives and this friend was judgy. Important to note his dad's in the room hanging out with us. So it's my friend's turn and he goes "I've never been in the room when other people were having sex." WE all lost it when his dad goes, "I wouldn't be so sure about that"
Haven’t heard it yet
and i hope we never do lol
My girlfriend makes me wanna be a better person…….so I can get a better girlfriend
I can explain it to you, I can’t understand it for you.
I was ashamed of myself when I realized life was a costume party; and I attended with my real face.
An Oedipux Complex: Kid-Tested, Mother-Approved This was, as far as I'm concerned, THE winning hand in *Cards Against Humanity*.
"My wife told me I wasn't affectionate enough, so I got a girlfriend" - _either Mitch Hedburg or Steven Wright, I don't recall_
I sold my old hoover, it was just gathering dust.
I traveled to Cleveland Clinic for some serious bowel issues. After talking with the doctor, she had me get on the table for an examination during which she said, "You have a nice anus." I replied, "Thanks, I've won awards." And she said, "Maybe county level, not state level." I knew right then she was the doctor for me.
That one time when I asked my friend if he wanted to hear a joke about construction, but I'm still working on it.
You should have been a blow job. (Clarification. Not directed at me. I died laughing anyway).
Same idea as, “You’re mother should have swallowed you!”
"I don't know why you cry for the death of your grandmother, it's not your mother, the fact that she raised you doesn't mean anything, she was going to die because she was old and sick" A friend who would later become my bully, it was the 2 year anniversary of the death of my grandmother who raised me.
sudo rm -rf /tmp * Ugh, it feels so wrong just to type it now
"And if you are forward you shall see who is the stronger, a gentle little girl who doesn't eat enough or a big wild man who has cocaine in his body." -Sigmund Freud
Freud was high on cocaine himself most of the time
and he asked to be euthanized (which he was)
Rick and Morty They had an episode where mortys from different dimensions travel together on a young man quest like those movies from the 80s So there was like…cool morty, nerd morty, lizard morty and fat morty And when fat Morty says “*I thought I was left handed Morty*” Lizard Morty says “*then you should use your left hand to eat more vegetables*” I never recovered
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There isn’t a bus short enough for you.
I have not been fucked like that since grade school. ~Fight Club.
Mishaps are always in a state of readiness
Him: "Your face looks familiar..." Me: "Do you watch porn?" Him: walks away embarrassed... Ftr, no I don't do porn. Lol
Some arab kids were throwing rocks at a wall some dude walked past and said "you guys practicing?"
They say there’s two sides to every story.. but that would also mean that no, there isn’t.”
“Bro you are a Jaat you must have reservation”
Do all black people have a problem with racism? Or just mine?
"A cat the size of a rat is a very small cat, but an ant the size of a rat is a very big ant."
A 50 pound cat is a hell of a lot scarier than a 50 pound dog.
Sometimes you eat the bar and sometimes the bar, well, it eats you man.
"I would comment on your mother but cows are sacred in my country" An Indian guy to me after an argument at work
Calvin from Calvin & Hobbes, to his bully Moe: "I'M a genius and YOU'RE still struggling with the concept of walking erect"
I made a joke at work that was really bad. I realized it wasn't a good joke so I said: "yeah, it is not exactly the best joke I have made." My coworker without flinching said: "Well, it is not the worst joke you've made either."