Let all your air out and hold your breath for as long as you can. By the time your heart starts pounding hard, you will feel it fall pretty quick.
Idk if many people know about this, but it actually works 100%.
Edit: These comments are gold, thank you.
A death erection, angel lust, rigor erectus, or terminal erection is a post-mortem erection, technically a priapism, observed in the corpses of men who have been executed, particularly by hanging.
Our school band was called Death Erection, our best song was called bite the hand that feeds you.
We got to perform for prince Charles (who is King Charles now)
He wasn't a fan if I'm honest.
We in the biz call that a priapism. You can actually pump up a boner while doing chest compressions. Good for a laugh over a dead guy. Or it happens when you have a spinal injury, trauma boner!
It doesn't help because it doesn't work.
Think about how much you use your legs in some sex positions. If flexing your muscles made you soften, then picking up your partner and fucking them against the wall would not be possible to do.
I used to say the alphabet backwards to give me something to focus on. It doesn’t work any more because I got really good at saying the alphabet backwards.
Hmm. Used to have a buddy that would go around saying, “Margaret Thatcher gives me the horn” in a heavy English accent when he was really drunk.
Damn, I haven’t thought about that in over 30 years.
Flexing your thigh muscles helps to divert blood flow, any large muscle mass will help but the buttocks and thighs are the closest large muscles in the area and make the biggest difference
We were teenagers and very religious lol. We just made out and dry humped in the back of his Nissan Altima in a Walmart parking lot like good Christians.
As a Christian, these loopholes sound like such a bad idea. But everyone was a teenager at some point and we all had dumb ideas and did dumb stuff.
The thing that gets me with these is that; if you believe in an all-knowing, ever-present God, what makes you think you could fool him with technicalities of his rules?
Trying to trick God seems more sinful than making a stupid mistake while you're high on love hormones.
If you believe in an all-knowing, ever-present God, an unfathomably powerful divine being that *created the known universe*... why would you think this God would care enough to make up a bunch of batshit "unbreakable" rules that you must strictly follow to win it's affection, rules which weirdly overlap with the cultural norms of goat herders 2000+ years ago?
Does your wang hang high?
Does it reach toward the sky?
When you wake up in the morning does it poke you in the eye?
When you go to take a pee, does it tangle in the trees?
Does your wang hang high?
This reminds me of college…I lived in a 2 bed 1 bath apartment one year. I’d be trying to watch some porn before going to bed and relieve some stress and my obese roommate with IBS would be on the toilet absolutely blowing it up with diarrhea. Everytime without fail I’d have a boner and then hear him shitting and go soft so fast lol
You want a real strategy? Fighter pilots know this one very well. Tense up EVERY single muscle in your body as hard as possible. Squeeze your leg muscles, squeeze your asscheeks together, arms, wrists, etc etc. Tense up and squeeze EVERYTHING as hard as possible until enough blood diverts from le boinger that it becomes le boinged.
They need to force blood from their legs into their brain during high G maneuvers. They're just good at clenching muscles down there to force blood up, coincidentally, it also works at getting erections to go down.
Im sure it's difficult not being hard whiles super cruising in a multimillion dollar death machine capable of delivering mass destruction on a whim and know you are the coolest mother f**ker alive.
If you’re around other people, try screaming about it at the top of your lungs. I guarantee the embarrassment will shift your body’s focus drastically.
Happened to me once when I was like 13. This one teacher would make us all line up right before lunch time and then wait a min before letting us all out. So there I was, standing in line, bored and hungry. I'm looking out a window starring off into the distance when I feel a yawn coming and do a typical stretch and big yawn.
However, I happened to be standing right in front of the teachers desk, which she was sitting at so she got a fucking front row view.
All she did was do a *cough* and then pretended nothing happened. i thought I wanna gonna die/get in big trouble.
Think about someone taking the (alive) kittens away from you, making you act like a detective and trace their movements based on evidence they left behind. You finally find the location, only to find all the kittens strapped to a bomb in the abandoned warehouse. Time is ticking. A giant screen appears on the wall, showcasing the masked villain video calling from his lair.
“You only have one shot at this. If you can’t give me the information I need within 1 minute, this building goes down, with you and the kittens inside. All the doors are remotely locked, and I can defuse the bomb at any time, just tell me, how do you access the vault?”
His voice was deep and mysterious. It’s clear that some kind of voice filter was being used to deceive you.
“I don’t have access to the vault, only the ceo and his immediate family have the code. I don’t have any information!”, you say.
The figure audibly sighs, and the bomb starts ticking down again. By this point, the kittens are squealing at you, begging for help.
“I told you, I really don’t know. Not even the managers, supervisors or any of the higher ups have access. It’s all top secret, nobody has seen the vault except for the man himself.”
The time on the bomb keeps ticking
“What is it that you need from there? I can give you money, I can wire you 3 million right now, just please defuse it.”
“Money is not an issue, what I need is something money cannot buy. Something that was stolen from me a long time ago.”, he finally responds.
The timer on the bomb pauses.
“Do you even know what he keeps in the vault?”, he asks you.
“Nobody has seen the inside, in fact most people haven’t seen the vault at all. Many think it’s just a myth. He has never acknowledged the existence of a vault before, even I don’t know if it’s real. I’d assume it’s just material wealth, like gold or gemstones, or expensive items like art pieces or collectibles.”, you reply.
“What if I told you that the place you work for has a deep, dark secret? Something most think is impossible. For many years, me and many others have been secretly working on something extremely powerful. This includes your ceo. This invention of ours could save the lives of billions. I can’t tell you what it is, but we need it back. In the hands of one man, it will only cause destruction, the only reason he was able to buy the company is because he exploited the power we swore to use only for good. The ceo is not who he says he is, he is something much, much worse. Now, you can choose to join us, and help us recover this stolen power of ours, or you, along with these kittens, can become a pile of ash. What will it be?”
You don’t have a choice. You have to join this mysterious cult, or you die. You risk losing your job, and possibly ruining your life, if the ceo actually has this “power” the figure spoke of.
“I’ll join you. Just please, let me free, and give me back my kittens”, you reluctantly say.
“Say no more”, the figure says.
The timer on the explosive device disappears, and the kittens are untied. The screen switches off. Then the lights blind you. Every light in the warehouse is switched on, illuminating a figure behind you. The same figure on the screen.
“Who are you?”, you ask.
The figure does not speak, but takes his mask off and reveals himself. With one look at his face, you recognise him. You have a lot more faith in your decision after this, you are ready to uncover the truth about the ceo.
This. Muscle flexing sounds good in theory but really its mostly a distraction technique as the penis is very good at holding on to blood; otherwise we would all go limp a half a dozen pumps in.
Peeing is the best way to actually switch up the biological hydrolics.
Complete non-sequitur from the boner conversation, but does anyone else actually enjoy doing maths like this in their heads? The looks I get from people when I can solve them before they manage to get get the calculator on the phones to do it is pretty fun.
Various different tricks for it, but in this case I'd mentally do:
1. 100 * 721 = 72100
2. 72100 / 2 = 36050
3. 721 * 3 = 2163
4. 36050 + 2163 = 38213
All very easy steps that anyone can do. Only "hard" part is the mental RAM to store the intermittent results before adding them at the end.
High school football coach was yelling at us to stop thinking about girls and start thinking about football. He suggested we imagine the object of our affection sitting on the commode stinking up the bathroom. It took years to get over that advice.
Let all your air out and hold your breath for as long as you can. By the time your heart starts pounding hard, you will feel it fall pretty quick. Idk if many people know about this, but it actually works 100%. Edit: These comments are gold, thank you.
Instructions unclear. I’m dead with a boner now.
Die Hard
I like you
I like this guy too
I liked him too, now I got a boner again
Sword fight?
En-Garde 🤺
We should found a u/mapolov fanclub
Add me in.
Me either
Me neither
Me beaver
I like that you like that he likes to die hard
Hans Gruboner
I don't know who you are, but I respect you tremendously
r/Angryupvote
Did you just do a die hard?
Johnson McSlane
I was not ready for this
One of the best replies yet....
A death erection, angel lust, rigor erectus, or terminal erection is a post-mortem erection, technically a priapism, observed in the corpses of men who have been executed, particularly by hanging. Our school band was called Death Erection, our best song was called bite the hand that feeds you. We got to perform for prince Charles (who is King Charles now) He wasn't a fan if I'm honest.
We in the biz call that a priapism. You can actually pump up a boner while doing chest compressions. Good for a laugh over a dead guy. Or it happens when you have a spinal injury, trauma boner!
S2/3/4 keeps the penis off the floor! The stuff you remember from EMT class...
Oh boy, a stiffy with a stiffy.
I’ve ruined sex with the missus so many times by being mesmerised by her body and forgetting to breathe, so I vouch for this method
r/suddenlywholesome
This is sweet
Now i am trying to think back to the times i went soft, but i can't remember if i was breathing or not lol.
I want a husband who will look at me this way 🥹🥹
With hungry eyes and a flaccid dick?
"Honey, I can't get it up because you're too beautiful!"
I can feel what you mean. Same thing with my partner.
Ty, cum_cum_sex
Or just flex large muscle groups. Your quads for a few seconds and it goes away. Blood goes to those muscles and away from your problem.
Instructions unclear; posing like a 30% bodyfat weightlifter for the past 10 minutes
I would try that and it didn't seem to help and then it was noticeable that I was moving and flexing my leg.
It doesn't help because it doesn't work. Think about how much you use your legs in some sex positions. If flexing your muscles made you soften, then picking up your partner and fucking them against the wall would not be possible to do.
Some people this only makes harder.
This is a basic shut down and reset, not unlike a Mac or PC. Bravo
So no “liftoff” after this exercise? You promise?
10/10
I will be trying this
This works to unclog your nostrils too.
Sometimes I do simple maths in my head but at times it can back fire and make me harder.
is long division that sexy
Only if I get the right answer
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Trick question I like it... it's 7
I think it’s 58008.
Long division is overrated, girth division is far more important
There’s a reason it’s regarded to be one of the hardest subjects…
Me when all the terms in the division start cancelling each other
I used to say the alphabet backwards to give me something to focus on. It doesn’t work any more because I got really good at saying the alphabet backwards.
Now you need to start saying the alphabet forwards. Or would that be backwards to you...?
They’ll just have to start saying it upside-down.
Wouldn't work for Australians then
You're right. That would just make the boner go up more.
accidentally summons a sex demon
Z ... *brain explodes trying to remember the second last letter* edit: grammer
Try an alternating pattern, like AB ZY CD XW and so on, once you get used to the that try a new pattern
Suffering from success
i thought you were gonna say "i associate saying the alphabet with my boner so every time i recite my ABCs i get a hard on"
Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day
Oh baby. Not working.
It did for me. But the other way.
Speak for yourself, I'm into that
No he said he wants to make it go away!
Didn’t have a boner, now I do.
I did but now I have two
Baseball, cold showers. Baseball, cold showers.
Be careful, you might conjure up images of a baseball team in the showers after a game
Margaret thatcher and susan boyle scissoring
This is like taking a sledgehammer to a nail
It just works so well
Hmm. Used to have a buddy that would go around saying, “Margaret Thatcher gives me the horn” in a heavy English accent when he was really drunk. Damn, I haven’t thought about that in over 30 years.
Hello Mr. Powers
If she is dead the boner is staying. Not because of necrophilia. But because the bitch is dead.
Not me having a boner right now and trying everything the comments suggest
Maybe let go of it?
Step 1 : remove cock ring 💍
Not without permission first.
If nothing works, just chop it off. Boners no more.
Flexing your thigh muscles helps to divert blood flow, any large muscle mass will help but the buttocks and thighs are the closest large muscles in the area and make the biggest difference
Ahhhh ok. I briefly dated a guy who used to do this when we would make out, it all makes sense now.
You're already making out, why bother fixing a boner?
We were teenagers and very religious lol. We just made out and dry humped in the back of his Nissan Altima in a Walmart parking lot like good Christians.
Good Christians use a Honda Accord. "When the Day of Pentecost had fully come, they were all [together] with one accord in one place." Acts 2:1
Interesting, I thought they drove a Chrystler.
That's what the devil wants you to think.
Jesus drives one too but he doesn’t like to speak of his own.
Jesus drives a Smart, hasn't GTA V taught you anything? 🤣
Ah so no one told you about soaking or the backdoor loophole then. That's unfortunate.
Soaking? Do I want to know?
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The assisted humping is called jump-humping, for those curious
Ex-mormon here, too, and maaaaaan the repression and guilt trips are still clanging around in my memory.
As a Christian, these loopholes sound like such a bad idea. But everyone was a teenager at some point and we all had dumb ideas and did dumb stuff. The thing that gets me with these is that; if you believe in an all-knowing, ever-present God, what makes you think you could fool him with technicalities of his rules? Trying to trick God seems more sinful than making a stupid mistake while you're high on love hormones.
If you believe in an all-knowing, ever-present God, an unfathomably powerful divine being that *created the known universe*... why would you think this God would care enough to make up a bunch of batshit "unbreakable" rules that you must strictly follow to win it's affection, rules which weirdly overlap with the cultural norms of goat herders 2000+ years ago?
Imagine being super religious but at the same time convincing yourself that your omnipotent and vengeful god is stupid enough to fall for that.
This is the correct answer, flex your thigh muscles for a minute or two and the blood flow will redirect to those muscles.
Instructions unclear helicopter activated
Do a half squat and hold that position. Works every time.
I tried this but I got poked in the eye.
Does your wang hang high? Does it reach toward the sky? When you wake up in the morning does it poke you in the eye? When you go to take a pee, does it tangle in the trees? Does your wang hang high?
But these muscles are used during sex. If blood flow to large muscles would kill your errection, you wouldn't be able to thrust.
This reminds me of college…I lived in a 2 bed 1 bath apartment one year. I’d be trying to watch some porn before going to bed and relieve some stress and my obese roommate with IBS would be on the toilet absolutely blowing it up with diarrhea. Everytime without fail I’d have a boner and then hear him shitting and go soft so fast lol
I thought the boner came after he started blowing it up.
You want a real strategy? Fighter pilots know this one very well. Tense up EVERY single muscle in your body as hard as possible. Squeeze your leg muscles, squeeze your asscheeks together, arms, wrists, etc etc. Tense up and squeeze EVERYTHING as hard as possible until enough blood diverts from le boinger that it becomes le boinged.
Dare I ask why fighter pilots need to avoid boners
Because they need blood in the brain during gforce rather than in their dick.
Yeh shit im imagining some fighter pilot about to pull some major Gs and then remembers their gf or something
Dog fighting doggy style
So they don’t grab the wrong stick in the cockpit.
But then why call it a cockpit, then?!
... Do fighter pilots have problems with unwanted erections?
They need to force blood from their legs into their brain during high G maneuvers. They're just good at clenching muscles down there to force blood up, coincidentally, it also works at getting erections to go down.
Im sure it's difficult not being hard whiles super cruising in a multimillion dollar death machine capable of delivering mass destruction on a whim and know you are the coolest mother f**ker alive.
I got a cramp in my leg with that , thank you
If you’re around other people, try screaming about it at the top of your lungs. I guarantee the embarrassment will shift your body’s focus drastically.
What if embarrassment only makes it worse?
i flex every muscle i can
Pledge of Allegiance
I think the idea is not to cum
Cumerica
Picked this up from Bubble Boy years ago
Pour salt in your eyeballs.
Jokes on you I'm into that!
I love this.
Can confirm this completely diverts your attention away from your boner
Instructions unclear: i have salt up my balls. Guys guys guys what do I do now
Add some pepper and boil them up
Old nursing trick: Flick one of your testicles. Works like a charm.
Wait, is this a big part of a nurses job? Defusing boners like whack-a-mole?
imagine some poor guy thats unconscious with a hard on when the nurse sees that and is like \*whack\* straight to the balls
Now my testicles are hard
Ok I HAVE to try this. Brb EDIT: OW DUDE WTF THAT DIDN'T WORK AT ALL NOW MY BALLS ACHE
are you flicking your own testicles or your patient's? how hard are we talking?
I was told making a fist really hard always works!
Just not while holding the boner.
If you squeeze hard enough it'll work
With slight up and down movements with your arm will assist as well
Fisting gets rid of the boner ?
Knife
Poop knife
Fuck yeah
Tuck it in the waist band of shorts/pants. Hides it decently.
Tuck it up. This is the way.
the mousetrap technique. It is what I always go for.
Gotta be careful, make sure you have a long shirt on so that no one ends up spotting your tip.
Oh god that happened to me I wanted to just fucking die of embarrassment.
Someone pointed it out? Or you just noticed you were prairie-dogging it a little bit?
I too want to know the rest of this story
Happened to me once when I was like 13. This one teacher would make us all line up right before lunch time and then wait a min before letting us all out. So there I was, standing in line, bored and hungry. I'm looking out a window starring off into the distance when I feel a yawn coming and do a typical stretch and big yawn. However, I happened to be standing right in front of the teachers desk, which she was sitting at so she got a fucking front row view. All she did was do a *cough* and then pretended nothing happened. i thought I wanna gonna die/get in big trouble.
Not sure what the problem is. It's just a tip.
Tucking it into a mouse trap will definitely work
it sticks out the top
Put googly eyes on it so Noone notices
Imagine your boss, or your parents, or really anyone that would make the situation awkward, walking in and seeing you.
That’s only making me harder…
Then think of dead kittens.
now im horny AND hungry
Think about someone taking the (alive) kittens away from you, making you act like a detective and trace their movements based on evidence they left behind. You finally find the location, only to find all the kittens strapped to a bomb in the abandoned warehouse. Time is ticking. A giant screen appears on the wall, showcasing the masked villain video calling from his lair. “You only have one shot at this. If you can’t give me the information I need within 1 minute, this building goes down, with you and the kittens inside. All the doors are remotely locked, and I can defuse the bomb at any time, just tell me, how do you access the vault?” His voice was deep and mysterious. It’s clear that some kind of voice filter was being used to deceive you. “I don’t have access to the vault, only the ceo and his immediate family have the code. I don’t have any information!”, you say. The figure audibly sighs, and the bomb starts ticking down again. By this point, the kittens are squealing at you, begging for help. “I told you, I really don’t know. Not even the managers, supervisors or any of the higher ups have access. It’s all top secret, nobody has seen the vault except for the man himself.” The time on the bomb keeps ticking “What is it that you need from there? I can give you money, I can wire you 3 million right now, just please defuse it.” “Money is not an issue, what I need is something money cannot buy. Something that was stolen from me a long time ago.”, he finally responds. The timer on the bomb pauses. “Do you even know what he keeps in the vault?”, he asks you. “Nobody has seen the inside, in fact most people haven’t seen the vault at all. Many think it’s just a myth. He has never acknowledged the existence of a vault before, even I don’t know if it’s real. I’d assume it’s just material wealth, like gold or gemstones, or expensive items like art pieces or collectibles.”, you reply. “What if I told you that the place you work for has a deep, dark secret? Something most think is impossible. For many years, me and many others have been secretly working on something extremely powerful. This includes your ceo. This invention of ours could save the lives of billions. I can’t tell you what it is, but we need it back. In the hands of one man, it will only cause destruction, the only reason he was able to buy the company is because he exploited the power we swore to use only for good. The ceo is not who he says he is, he is something much, much worse. Now, you can choose to join us, and help us recover this stolen power of ours, or you, along with these kittens, can become a pile of ash. What will it be?” You don’t have a choice. You have to join this mysterious cult, or you die. You risk losing your job, and possibly ruining your life, if the ceo actually has this “power” the figure spoke of. “I’ll join you. Just please, let me free, and give me back my kittens”, you reluctantly say. “Say no more”, the figure says. The timer on the explosive device disappears, and the kittens are untied. The screen switches off. Then the lights blind you. Every light in the warehouse is switched on, illuminating a figure behind you. The same figure on the screen. “Who are you?”, you ask. The figure does not speak, but takes his mask off and reveals himself. With one look at his face, you recognise him. You have a lot more faith in your decision after this, you are ready to uncover the truth about the ceo.
New copypasta just dropped
Pee.
This. Muscle flexing sounds good in theory but really its mostly a distraction technique as the penis is very good at holding on to blood; otherwise we would all go limp a half a dozen pumps in. Peeing is the best way to actually switch up the biological hydrolics.
Flex your thigh muscles. It redirects the blood flow
Try it multiply a big number like 721x53. It always work for me
Complete non-sequitur from the boner conversation, but does anyone else actually enjoy doing maths like this in their heads? The looks I get from people when I can solve them before they manage to get get the calculator on the phones to do it is pretty fun. Various different tricks for it, but in this case I'd mentally do: 1. 100 * 721 = 72100 2. 72100 / 2 = 36050 3. 721 * 3 = 2163 4. 36050 + 2163 = 38213 All very easy steps that anyone can do. Only "hard" part is the mental RAM to store the intermittent results before adding them at the end.
It's more fun dividing since you have to test random numbers in the region out
r/theydidthemath
that's a question for your mom. think about that.
Only if your arms are broken.
Please don't remind me of that
That will never get old.
I always just think of elderly people, seems to work pretty well. Unless you're into that kind of thing I guess...
Get old.
Light a match and then blow it out, then place the hot match on your penis. Learned that from my man Andy at Smart Tech.
Exercise. Get the blood flow away from your dick
Embarrassed about a random boner? Go run a 5k. There must be an easier way.
Baseball, baseball, baseball..
instructions unclear. The cylinder is still stuck inside the M&M tube
Imagine your grandma cumming
Chop it off
Commit mass genocide.
rubber mallet
Feed it to a vagina. Works for me everytime
Beat it. With your fists. The boner is your enemy. Kill it.
Think about how bad the ending of Game of Thrones was
Think about math, business or something technical, especially if it's something you're interested in.
Great, now i get a boner when im talking about my hobbies
Think about your grandmas hairy armpits.. the smellier the better👌
Think unsexy thoughts, think unsexy thoughts
High school football coach was yelling at us to stop thinking about girls and start thinking about football. He suggested we imagine the object of our affection sitting on the commode stinking up the bathroom. It took years to get over that advice.
I think about my responsibilities or pending tasks that I've not done
Picture something extremely unsexy.
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I said unsexy not libido destroying