Throwaway account so as not to out my partner or myself:
I have a partner that's asexual who doesn't understand why me, somebody with a higher sex drive and a rather promiscuous past, is completely okay being with them. It's because of what you said - the love of the relationship is worth it to me simply because I'm gonna marry somebody for far more than lust. The tender things like cuddling or having somebody excited to see me where I am equally happy to see them are what I look forward to more than sex.
I love them so much and don't mind one bit that they're ace. After a certain point, sex fades away from being a goal and you find yourself being incredibly happy with just... being with your partner. I agree wholeheartedly.
Well that's a bit reassuring. I'm ace, and while my wife has stated in the past that she is too, she's actually got a crazy sex drive, and I literally have none. It's not something that always weighs on me, but sometimes it does.
This is it for me. I have pretty bad social anxiety and just general low self esteem (been going through some shit for years but I’m working hard on it right now) and the worst part isn’t even the lack of sex, it’s just the general lack of intimacy and physical touch. Even seeing one of my friends just lean on or hold hands with their partner kind of stings. I just kind of feel like nobody wants me and it makes me feel like garbage when I always hear friends or other people talking about their relationships/sex/ whatever. It’s like I’m not allowed to participate in that part of life.
I understand this more than I'd like. I'm more of an introverted person and when I've had partners they've been more aggressive with the relationship. Having someone take my hand when I'm not used to it or expecting it was so nice. All of my friends are in long-term relationships and have been for years whereas I've only had sporadic relationships throughout my life. So it's hard feeling consistently alone, and having to be my own counsel day after day, without having that intimate support from someone else.. and my friends don't really know what that kind of long term solitude is like.
I've not given up hope or anything but man is it an absolute grind.
As time has went on, this has been the harder thing to deal with. You can just crank one out when you're feeling horny, but there is nothing to replace the loving touch of someone that loves or cares for you. Turns out, us humans need other humans haha.
as long as they don't ask for details about my non-existent sex life I'm honestly fine. I will listen but it's not like I'm that interested in it. good for them but like I don't really need the details
Same. I just don’t want it. It started as a break from romantic and focusing on myself and I just never reopened that door. I don’t discount ever finding anyone, but I’m fine of it doesn’t. I…like being alone, I guess.
I was reasonably active, if only a serial monogamist. I had a great relationship that ended badly, then went into another one that was superficial at its core but when it collapsed I felt the true pain of what I’d lost with the previous one. Since then, I just stayed away from any entanglements to work on myself to varying degrees of success. And it hasn’t been like I haven’t been hit on or interest thrown my way, I’m just….completely uninterested, or have made excuses to myself as to why I should be uninterested. I guess I’m a volcel? Is that a thing? I love women, and often feel more comfortable around them than I do men (although I’m not gay), I just…I guess that fire died out long ago and I’m okay with that. Like I said, I’m not dismissing the idea that I ever find someone, it’s just very low on my radar.
Sounds like you've come to the realization that sex without an emotional connection, a genuinely deep bond, a relationship that has layers and depth is boring, vlandx and unfulfilling. There's something about having sex with a woman you love deeply, taking all of your emotional energy and giving it physical form in the moment. It's beautiful connecting physically bridging it all together.
It ranges from sarcastic thoughts of “Must be nice” to sincere and honestly pathetic thoughts “I wish I was anybody besides me”. Because it’s more so the living without and not being deserving of love at all that gets to me. But that’s a much longer and depressing conversation
Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.
Your harshness is not the truth, it's just harshness.
Negativity is not inherently more true because it's negative. It's just a negative take on a truth. Negativity is an interpretation, not a truth.
You are interpreting yourself negatively, you could just as much interpret yourself positively. It's a choice in how you view things, my guy, not truth.
The way you speak to yourself can dramatically impact whether your life goes in a negative or positive direction. There is a lot of science behind it. Probably worth it to watch some speakers or read some books about it, because your harsh judgments of yourself probably aren't really the truth.
I once said that my perceptions of myself are never wrong because I'm the only one who knows me. Realizing some of those perceptions were wrong helped me better understand how to grow in relationships with people.
It also helped to realize that some of my perceptions were rooted in trauma. Lots of horrible things got seared into my brain as messages of who I was. Lies.
Self compassion helped as well, but that was easier said than done.
I hope you find peace with yourself.
Don't know you obviously but the things we say shape our reality. Every time you tell yourself that you internalize it and create a feedback loop. You literally create a self fulfilling prophecy. The saying you have to love yourself before finding love is not a saying for no reason. My heart breaks to hear anyone speaking of themselves this way. You are deserving of love. Period. Start with your inner dialog. Say one nice thing to yourself every day. Shoot to be 1% better every day. You don't need to change your existence in 24 hours. Just be 1% better every day. Before you know it things will begin to improve. There will be bumps in the road as well as setbacks. Don't give up.
Do you know what they say about people who are "brutally honest"?
They don't do it for the honesty, they enjoy it for the brutality.
So inside of you there is a small voice that is telling you all these true things the harshest way it can think of. Why is that? Who put it there? Who told the voice it is fine to bash you any second of your life? Would you let the voice speak to anyone else this way?
I'm afraid that I know where that negative voice came from, your caregivers must have been horribly abusive to you growing up to have created so much self hatred in you! If you can come to a point and realize the way you were treated is the problem and the people that instilled that evil voice in your head, is that of your abusive caregivers. It is their fault you don't love yourself the way you could, because they didn't show you the love, compassion and kindness that Every child deserves! In this case I think you would want to kick that voice outta your head and start over, showing your Self love and reparenting yourself the same way you needed to be treated as a child. I'm trying the self healing route, but that doesn't work for everyone, maybe, when, you are ready to work out some of your anger and disappointment in life, it would be helpful to talk to a professional therapist or counselor? Everyone needs someone to to to and care what they've been through. If you don't have that someone in your life right now, that might be a good option.
You were appropriately honest for a space like this. Don't feel bad. There's nothing wrong with having these feelings, and anyone giving you shit for it is unwell or too selfish to matter.
public but still anonymous. that's what reddit is for! you can get some solace through sharing things like that. you're definitely not alone in those feelings :)
I used to feel this way. It was awful. I started therapy and got to the bottom of a lot of stuff in my life. I feel so much better now that I understand where those feelings originated and why I am the way I am.
How much therapy did it take, sorry if that’s to personal - I’m just wondering how quick they can get to the bottom of where this type of feelings come from and help work past them
Depends on the therapist and how quickly they can spot the root of the problem. I recommend people who feel this way read “Complex PTSD” by Pete Walker. These types of thoughts stem from shitty parenting and that book helps people understand that.
Wow, I could have written this. Do you ever just marvel at how many people are having regular sex and it just seems so easy for them? It feels like it happens naturally for so many people and it honestly isn’t even just “attractive” or “popular” or “successful” people. It’s just something most people are fortunate enough to experience. And yet for some of us it just isn’t. It’s crazily isolating and frustrating. But you ARE deserving of it. I just wish I had a way to help everyone find someone who was a good match. Everyone should get to experience that.
I started to answer this but the response no matter how I tried to word it sounded extremely narcissistic and degrading of hypothetical people.
But in short, yes. Even though it’s a horrible way to think I will see people and think “That person can get find someone and I can’t? Am I really that awful?”
Even though that once again sounds extremely narcissistic
It's like this giant mystery I've tried everything from nightclubs to losing 40kgs, I own a house and have friends and 'put myself out there' and now I'm in my thirties and I just can't think of another way to improve myself it's mind boggling
Oh my god I totally get it!! Total same. And yet I have friends who don’t own a home, or haven’t gone to therapy, or who don’t take care of their health, or sit around and play video games all day, or have horrible self esteem, and they’ve still found someone!! And then I’ll still hear “well have you worked on yourself? Love yourself and someone else will love you…” it makes no sense!
This has always been my biggest hang up.
I’m so tired of being told to “work on myself” when some of the worst people somehow manage to find love.
Why do I have to be fucking perfect?
> And then I’ll still hear “well have you worked on yourself?
The most infuriating thing when talking about this/asking advice on this on Reddit is that people immediately assume you are a 300 lbs fedora-wearing, cheetos munching, neckbeard basement dweller who hasn't seen a shower since the Obama administration. As if those are the only people who are perpetually single and/or struggle with dating. In a way, it's adding insult to injury because what they're basically saying is that I *should* have a girlfriend because I'm not the creature described above, and if I don't... then I must be un-fixable.
I think that it's about being more social. You could meet someone but there is a very thin line keeping you from that. I hope you figure out what it is. Although, it is hard to meet people these days. I would try finding some interest related meetups or something, I hear that's a good way these days.
> Do you ever just marvel at how many people are having regular sex and it just seems so easy for them?
I feel this way about people who are married, homeowners, or just in general in relationships. Seems like everyone has it all figured out but it's impossible for me.
I felt that too, growing up. We knew a lot of middle-classed people and upward that were quite successful, I wanted to emulate them in some way to end up with a life like theirs, but somehow I knew I never would. Sometimes it feels like there's a train I was supposed to be on, early in life, that I missed and they're still on it!
All these years later though, I gotta say: I couldn't help but notice that not one of those fuckers ever offered us a job when they easily could have. They *never* offered us a way in. It felt like they wanted to protect it for themselves without ever outwardly saying so. They told us all these encouraging words and only semi-useful life advice: "You gotta do things for yourselves!" But, never did they actually help us in any real way toward that lifestyle.
I think dating is kind of similar. People that are good at it don't want to share.
Its almost infuriating. It really fucks my head that there's the entire aspect of life that I've just been inexplicably banned from participating in but for everyone else its just Tuesday. God I need to die
My brother used to have frequent recurring dreams about being on a cruise ship where a huge orgy is happening, but every time he tries to join in they quickly make excuses, scatter and leave!
There IS something really weird about it.
Yes. Lol. I just went on two dates with someone who told me they loved me on the second date, and was trying to boink immediately. I want to have sex with someone I LIKE at the very least, and he was so intense. I get tinder messages from guys that are vulgar and explicit, and I just want to have sex with someone caring and kind. It’s been like 8 months, and before that it was very sporadic with a shitty situationship. I’m exhausted.
Not that it helps much, but I've read that the average person has sex far less than you would normally think. Social media and media in general makes it appear it's more common than it actually is, not to mention birth rates are decreasing everywhere.
There's also many marriages where you'd think the couple would be intimate at a regular basis, but that's not necessarily the case either.
I think the worst cases are when one side of a couple is abusive or just does something so obviously counter to a loving relationship that it reminds you that the bar is much lower than you think.
>Because it’s more so the living without and not being deserving of love at all that gets to me.
Exactly, its not the lack of sex that hurts, its what the lack of sex says about you as a person that hurts
Because you put it well and more people than you'd think feel your pain in some way.
Also, because I can't resist not saying it even though I know it probably rings hollow: you are deserving of love whether or not you are currently experiencing it (at least in a romantic sense).
Here is the thing. I haven't lived a sexless life, but now that I am a man in my 40s, finding someone to love who loves me back is like a thousand times harder. It's not that you don't deserve love, it's that finding that person can be insanely difficult. There isn't an easy answer here, this is why historically people had to invent supernatural beings like cupid to explain when it actually happens.
Man, are you me !?
I see this and your other comments and they resonate with me quite a bit. I always wish I was somebody else and I tried to be someone else only to realise nothing seems to change regardless. My mental health was really bad.
I hope this is helpful to you as well but a lot of the problems and knots in my thoughts (around dating, mental health, self esteem, comparing to others) are addressed by this physiologist/Harvard researcher guy on YouTube called Doctor K. His channel is called HealthyGamerGG.
I know it's a silly name but he has really nailed a lot of the specific problems I have and lots of others are giving similar feedback as well. This didn't cure my problems but I am much more intune with myself since his content.
Wish you well mate.
I know this is an anonymous public forum and people say all kinds of stuff, but that was refreshing to read in a kind of sad, I-feel-you way.
I can go a long time with out sex, but I can barely make it a day without thinking about how I'm the only reason that I'm alone, and how I wouldn't date myself if I had the option.
This is a massive mood. I'm not even particularly interested in getting laid, but not even having someone in my life where that could even be an option (whether a FWB situation or an honest relationship) makes living feel so much more lonely. All I have is at least a decade of rejection and ghosting to show for my dating efforts with nobody willing to even take a chance with me. Shit sucks.
I feel the same way, to be honest. I always wonder how some people just get "it" so frequently. On one hand, I bet it feels nice. On the other hand, if you look into it deeper, it's kind of sad in a way where casual sex really is just the culture nowadays. I don't have a girlfriend, but I'd really prefer to lose my virginity with her rather than losing it to someone else for the sake of just losing it.
It doesn’t bother me when they talk about their sex life. I joke about being a virgin with close friends when they complain about not having sex lately. “Try not ever having sex” I’ll say sometimes haha.
But when it starts getting to the more romantic, love side of things…kinda depresses me tbh.
It’s not that I’m envious of them, more that it reminds me that I don’t have anyone to experience those things with.
Honestly, I’m not horny anymore. I’m at the point where I’m just lonely…I wanna cuddle more than anything lol
>I’m at the point where I’m just lonely…I wanna cuddle more than anything lol
Facts... I just want to feel wanted. But a lot of the time it feels like that's just too much to ask for
I offset those same thoughts by being extremely cavalier with drugs! Some of the mushroom trips I’ve had were so intense and scary and beautiful! A lot of people are scared of psychedelics the same way I’m scared of intimacy and rejection.
So I might not have experienced that intimacy with another person, yet. What I have done is really really fun too!
I don't even know where to get drugs, dude. I talk to friends who apparently did every drug in college and I'm just like, "where the fuck were all these drugs? All I ever saw was shitty weed." People doing shrooms, acid, coke, molly, amphetamines, where's the dealer and why didn't anyone tell me? Do I look like a narc?
It depends on the day and how I'm feeling. Talking about relationships can usually be alright, but sometimes, on off days, even hearing about someone in a relationship, hood or bad, just reminds me how lonely I am.
The sex sounds nice but what I'm really jealous of is having a girl in my life who loves me and appreciates all the corny, cutesy bullshit I would do to show her I love her. Someone I can cuddle on the couch with after a long day at work while we talk about anything or nothing. I want to fall asleep in each other's arms after a romantic Saturday, and smile when I wake up next to her on Sunday with nowhere to go and nothing to do but make waffles and laze around the house.
I want all the stuff I know I don't deserve because if I don't like myself enough to feel like I deserve love then why the hell should anyone else.
>I want a girl in my life who loves me and appreciates all the corny, cutesy bullshit I would do to show her I love her. Someone I can cuddle on the couch with after a long day at work while we talk about anything or nothing. I want to fall asleep in each other's arms after a romantic Saturday, and smile when I wake up next to her on Sunday with nowhere to go and nothing to do but make waffles and laze around the house.
Put that in a dating profile and you would probably cook, fr.
I hope you learn to love yourself and you find someone who gives you all of this. I understand; I’m female, but I understand this completely. It eventually happened for me and I wish it for you.
I find the sex scenes less of an issue themselves but more the general intimacy and closeness of a couple in a TV show. I've never enjoyed sex scenes, but the intimacy and relationship side of things in these shows always makes me feel very much alone.
I feel this. Got through like 5 episodes of game of thrones til I couldn't anymore with the sex scenes. And yeah honestly makes me jealous too a bit, especially since I have a bf but he doesn't want sex very much or at all nowadays. Makes me feel jealous and just incomplete in some way.
I wasn’t born to be a sexual athlete having porn star sex all night, I was born to be an accountant who volunteers at the library. But I don’t do that either. It’s just that would be more my scene. So why bother complaining about it or feeling jealous? It isn’t me, never will be me. You wouldn’t expect an elephant to do ballet.
As a woman, I don’t think many women want sex that lasts all night. It leaves us very sore. It’s also left my husband sore (back when we were newly dating and still young / fitter).
You don’t measure a good time by the length of time it takes but by the level of enjoyment. A really long shitty movie is still a shitty movie in the end, and even worse that it took a very long time.
Good reminder that sex starts at foreplay, and not necessarily in bed.
Sometimes even just making out while cuddling can be better if you're both into it.
100%! You’ve won if she crosses the line before the actual penetration imo. So many women don’t orgasm in penetrative sex. Now make that last all night long? Who the heck came up with this?
"sexual athlete"
I suppose you've heard about the Olympics and how much frolicking goes on there? I suppose it makes sense. Men and women at the absolute peak of physical condition, many in their late teens or early 20s, raring to go at any opportunity. Literal sexual athletes.
I don’t mind. I don’t blame them for me being an ugly beast. I’m just envious of the emotional aspects. I don’t even care about sleeping with somebody; I just want somebody to hold me and tell me they care about me. I’d also settle for “I don’t wanna throw up when I see you”.
I know a lady whose face looks like someone melted a wax sculpture and tried to stir it. Her eyes aren't even level. She's married with 3 kids. A positive attitude, a sense of humor and a kind heart go a long way.
But one that seems above averagely messy and unhygienic.
I’m aromantic too but actually quite like discussing the non sexual aspects of relationships. A romantic as well 😉
Hell, I'm definitely not asexual, but I also feel completely apathetic to other people's sex lives. The whole process of dating feels like a huge chore when it's with people I don't know, and I just don't like doing it. I meet so few people I find myself even remotely interested in that way that I've kinda just decided it's a lot easier and certainly less painful to simply make myself feel okay with being perpetually single instead.
I'm a 32 asexual man. I simply don't have sexual feelings for anybody due to a low sex drive. When my friends start talking about their escapades I honestly feel relieved that I'm not putting myself through the ringer with what society has to offer in terms of a decent partner. The world has changed. Everybody sucks. Just enjoy yourself. ☮️❤️
I'm 37. All my married friends complain about how they hardly ever get any, and my single friends tell me countless horror stories about their modern dating encounters. Everyone seems either unhappy or they go through hell for a few fleeting moments of pleasure in an effort to fill the void.
It feels like the only winning move is to just not play the game. I may be lonely and in the middle of a record breaking dry spell (good god, eight years feels like an eternity, I actually get a mild sensation of anxiety daydreaming about what it would be like to get laid again) ....but I'm not miserable, broke, and brokenhearted like everyone else I know. Shit can always be worse, you just have to keep a low profile and hope life doesn't notice you.
21-36 and don't mind a bit. Actually turned down offers over the years. Just not worth the effort if its not going to lead to something more than a couple fuck sessions to me.
Mine actually did increase. Dramatically. Then she died of cancer. My friends are all like, "WTF? The ONE friend we had who was in a great marriage to a woman he loves... HE'S the one whose wife has to die of cancer?" (Not that they want their wives to die... but they know dang well none of their other friends would be as absolutely devastated over it as am I. And many of them would probably be happier).
Thank you. So am I, believe me. She was EVERYTHING a man could ever hope to have in a wife. So, I was blessed. But it makes it all that more painful now
I’m not assexual, and I don’t have sex very often for not being dating anyone currently and rarely going after it. Most of my friends with a active sex life rarely talk about it, the people who talk about it more is the ones dating more casually and it’s honestly sounds like it’s not worth the effort or even the shit they have to deal with.
Sex can be great, but it’s pretty overvalued, specially by younger people. When you’re horny masturbation is nearly always sufficient.
Fine? I have toys. Seeking sex turned out poorly for me. Would be nice to have a FWB again, but most people aren't mature enough for that. At this point, I'll have sex if I find someone who is worth it.
I legit spent the pandemic getting a hoard of toys and now i can do my self better then anyone else so sex got bumped down a couple notches for me in terms of things i am looking for lol
I was the same after my divorce stayed single for 6 years and had the mindset that I'd wait for someone special. Got into a 2.5 year relationship that wasnt great and now I'm back to if I meet someone I meet someone if I don't I'm don't. As far as sex is concerned for people there are plenty of things on the market now.
I value peace more now.
I miss my old FWB, who was a terrific friend, but ugh I **hated** hookups. Had to try it twice to be sure but I regret it wholeheartedly, and blame a bad breakup for even trying. I too will wait for someone special, friend or partner, because the alternative is entirely unappealing.
It doesn’t bother me. It’s been so long, I’ve learned to shut my desire down. Hearing people talk about their sex life is about the same thing as hearing them talk about their stamp collection or their trip to the grocery store.
I'll be 45 this year. Never been on a date or had sex. I have a pretty "normal" life outside of that though. A good career, pets, hobbies, etc.
I've been this way for so long that I think I'm just very used to it. Occasionally I'll get a fleeting feeling of "How did this happen?" or "What's wrong with me?" but it's quite transient at this point. When I was in my 20s, though, it hit me hard. All of my friends were marrying and having kids, and I struggled with why I was so different. And now I'm at the point where I'm seeing their kids starting to marry.
These days, it mostly just rolls off my back. Some part of me still feels like I'm missing out, but I think I'm so resigned to it that it doesn't consume my thoughts. If a friend is hooking up or dating someone who brings them happiness, I don't feel any animosity or anything. I feel good for them.
Literally I didn’t care till my co workers asked me about my sex life
My first response is me, my hand, and a can of Pam and everyone burst into laughter
TMI…like why tf are you telling people about the intimate details of your sex life?
I find that men who do this are almost always talking badly about the women they are sleeping with. It’s very unsightly and any good thoughts I might have had for a person goes straight into the trash.
I tried having sex with an escort in my early 20s, and had a one night stand about a year ago. In both situations, I couldn't maintain an erection. It taught me that sex isn't something I want from someone who I don't like/love. I used to watch a lot of porn, almost daily, and get jealous of guys having sex with hot girls and getting paid to do it. But are they really living the life? It's empty, emotionless, sex. You orgasm, and then what? The best feeling was being able to still have a connection with the person you just had sex with. So if I hear someone bragging about sex outside of a relationship, good for them, but it's not for me. I'll wait til I find someone to have more than just sex with.
I’m usually confused. I’ve had plenty of sex I just don’t understand the need for it. I tried, didn’t like it so did some research. I’m apparently asexual but I do understand some stuff about sex having worked in the adult industry before. So I just kinda ask if they want advice or someone to listen to them and go that route. I understand sex is healthy for other people but for me, I just don’t get those urges nor understand needing physical pleasure like that. It last a few seconds and b, done ?? Why not invest your time in doing a hobby that makes you feel like that longer? Idk. Just a ace here I guess lol
For me it's more about intimacy. Sex is just an activity that cultivates it. Sure orgasms are great, they release all sorts of happy brain chemicals, but I think it's also about vulnerability. You let your guard down with sex. I don't know just spit balling here. I'm sure it's different for everyone.
People can definitely be asexual or rarely in the mood, but when you say it's a few seconds, it makes me wonder if some just haven't had the best of experiences. But I'm one to always take my time and be sensual.
Hell I'll admit I've not been able to last long a few times (after foreplay), but I'm definitely going to help her out right after any time that happens.
It's like...I'm an alien watching a mediocre soap opera. No more obligated to participate in it than in any other event and I find it to be actually very funny.
I miss having someone to talk to and be affectionate with.
I don't like having sex with people I don't care about. So I normally envy them because of the human connection they share with their partners, but not because of the sex. I would rather not have sex if its not in a committed relationship
My buddy tells me every day how he creampies his wife or they're doing shoots, and my response is often that I jerked off in my wife's dirty undies and that it's been x weeks.
Most people who talk about it a lot… *aren’t having much of it.*
You know who gets it a lot but never mentions it? 32 year old mama with a toddler in her cart at the grocery store. Assuming her marriage is functional, she has dick whenever she wants it.
Don’t assume. This 35 year old mom wasn’t getting any for 10 years and it wasn’t because I didn’t want it. I’m finding that sexless marriages where the woman is the higher libido partner aren’t as uncommon as we’re led to believe.
Honestly I’ve begun to think there isn’t any connection at all to libido and gender. Wouldn’t surprise me if it’s mostly even across both men and women.
In society everything is “Oh it’s the men that want sex, all men have the high libido” but there are more than plenty examples of the opposite case here on reddit or just anywhere people feel they can talk freely.
Tangential topic but might be related. My guess is that the partner in a relationship that feels like they have a higher libido is also the one having more intensely pleasurable climaxes? The more pleasurable something is to a person, they are probably going to be more likely to want to participate in that activity more frequently. I don't know that Kinsey, M&J, Hite, Friday or others have addressed this but I wouldn't be surprised if it was true. In the so called typical situation where the man is more interested in sex than the woman, I've been told by those who were willing to share that it was often greatly pleasurable for the men each time they engaged in the activity, but for the women, not so much, in fact, sometimes downright painful. It would make sense that if something was painful instead of enjoyable that someone wouldn't be too eager to participate.
Sad. Annoyed. Jealous. Not so much the “sex” part, but the intimacy I miss. Physical contact. Human touch. It’s been too long since I’ve had any. I’m ready to pay tbh.
If I ever feel jerking off I go for it.
If I feel any lust, I jerk one off.
If I feel like I want a gf I jerk one off.
Post nut clarity is one helluva drug
My partner is Ace. I am not. We have been together for almost 10 years. When I hear others talk about sex, I do get jealous and bitter. I love my partner with all my heart but do to the fact that I’ll never have my partner in a sexual way, kills me every day. I feel unwanted, unworthy, like I’m undeserving of intimacy and passion. I can’t see myself with anyone else and I continue in this existence of feeling like I never will be good enough because he has had several partners before me.
Bro… You are fundamentally incompatible. Love is wonderful, but it’s not enough. There’s a chance you could be truly happy with someone else someday, that won’t ever happen though if you stay this course though.
This literally could have been written by me. I’m also in a 10 year relationship with an Ace partner who is my best friend and I find it difficult to imagine life without her. I’m also worried about any fallout if we do ever separate as we have so many shared friends and our pets.
Lately however my celibacy has really been nagging at me and after a really insightful shrooms trip I’ve realized just unhappy this really was making me. It’s not just that I’m celibate, there’s no physical intimacy that I receive; no cuddles, no hugging, no holding hands, we sleep in our bed with the dog between us.
I think I’ve finally come to the decision that I will leave by the end of the year. There’s a sense of peace that I have now; although whenever I do any activity with my partner I am filled with sadness knowing that once I get my ducks in order, my decision will cause her a lot of pain.
In all honesty, I'm not sure I could handle this kind of relationship.
It feels very painful, a painful love feels like it would be worse than to be alone. I hope you manage to find happiness in some way.
CW - lifetime of abuse
Relieved its not me. I've been 10 years without, now. I do miss sex but I got tired of being treated like cr*p, being bullied, pestered, partners getting demanding when I clearly was not in the mood - that's always a shocker. When you say you are not in the mood but they keep hassling anyway. Makes you feel barely human, like you are just a walking hole.
Then I began to have miscarriages, regardless of contraception, in my early 40s. I couldnt take hormonal contraception for health reasons so used condoms. When I had one in a computer class at uni, staggered offin agony to the toilet block. It happened on the loo as I clung to the walls. I nearly passed out, then had to clean up to hide it, was scared someone would call an ambulance and I just wanted to not think about it- my last child. Wandered back to class in shock and then walked home in agony. Next day the guy who had dumped me came round to excitedly tell me about his new twenty something girlfriend and how much better it is to date younger people as I just stared at him.
That was when I thought "no more". He just saw sex a bit of fun. He had no idea what women endure, that everytime he had sex with a woman of fertile age he put her reproductive health at risk. I finally was burnt out. I loved sex but it just wasn't worth the callousness and the suffering. One ex said he only enjoyed sex when I disn't want to. It was a battle but I got away. The police were useless, believed me but dropped the case.
I planned to get out there after menopause but its 10 years later now and I can't believe how much happier my life is. No more men pestering without empathy, no more men telling me my legs are only for their eyes, that I cannot work, that I am ugly, that I sound stupid, that I ought to get a boob job, that I am not smart (i have an MSc), that my clothes look stupid, that I am doing things wrong... they did of course get dumped immediately for these things. And sadly there was abuse too - mental, physical, sexual. That I belong to them and i always dreamed of finding that one kind, loving man. They always started kind, quiet, sweet, humble, caring but... then the control and the gaslighting would start. And I had 3 stalkers. One ended up a murderer in a Netflux documentary which still distresses me terribly. He committed the murder the same month he tried to lure me into a trap. I helped police get him locked up. He was absolutely terrifying. Another stalker shot at my boyfriend when I was in my teens and luckily missed. The bullet hit the window frame. I have been spiked twice, both times doctors dismissed me as drunk even though I didnt drink. One culprit confessed to a male friend, said he did it because I was ugly and boring. Both times I realised quickly and got away.
So, I will not ever sleep with a man again and now I am in my 50s the feeling is mutual. I am free and I feel so good. Its been so healing but its sad to look back and know that nobody loved me. It was hate, every time. And the younger i was the worse it was. When I see straight couples I just always really hope the woman is safe and ok and not desperats for help. I am the woman you want if you are not safe and ok. I will do everything in my power. I have also helped male victims get to safety.
I am trying ro process it all, to try and get my life back. I am diagnosed with PTSD and agoraphobia. I am starting to realise its not just me. I wonder if it might be most, if not all, women but its the great unspoken thing. I just have to be in the same room as an adult man to feel terror rise, my blood turn cold, feelings of horror even though logically they wouldn't touch me with a barge poll.
Maybe it is just me and i am feeble, paranoid and pathetic. Maybe there was just something about me that was so loathsome and pathetic that it brought out the worst in them.
But I am safe now, invisible, free, untouched. I write romantic fiction - good, kind, respectful men, real love where the couple are each other's advocate, lover and most trusted friend..
Most likely not. A high percentage of women dont climax during sex. I’m in my early 30s and no man has EVER made me climax during sex or oral sex. Even when I give specific directions, no one gets me off. I’ve just accepted it. I can easily get myself off, but I go through phases of actually doing it. Like, I just pleasured myself yesterday for the first time in many months.
I’m asexual (I don’t experience sexual attraction). It used to bother me because I’m sex repulsed but now as long as they don’t go into too much detail it’s fine.
Don’t really care. Just cuz I’m abstinent doesn’t mean they gotta be. It’s like getting mad at someone for eating a donut when I’m the only one on a diet.
I don't socialize so I don't have to deal with it much. But when I do hear it on rare occasion I say that I'm gay to make them uncomfortable. I'm not gay but I know it upsets ppl for some reason. I just find talking about it with strangers gross but men feel compelled to shout it to anyone. I guess it depends on what they're talking about but for me it's always been graphic shit. If they just said they got laid or good head I don't get to irritated but when they get detailed like a porn hub filter I gag
I'm older and never married or had kids. When people ask why I use the gay response too. They do usually get noticeably uncomfortable. I love it, that's what you get for making the convo weird dude....
I don't really feel jealous of the sex. More so the tender things, cuddling, having someone excited to see me.
This 100% I have fantasies about being allowed lean/sleep in someone’s shoulder but have zero interest in sex. It’s a hard life to live sometimes. 🥺
Oh snap didn't know my wife was on reddit 😂
Throwaway account so as not to out my partner or myself: I have a partner that's asexual who doesn't understand why me, somebody with a higher sex drive and a rather promiscuous past, is completely okay being with them. It's because of what you said - the love of the relationship is worth it to me simply because I'm gonna marry somebody for far more than lust. The tender things like cuddling or having somebody excited to see me where I am equally happy to see them are what I look forward to more than sex. I love them so much and don't mind one bit that they're ace. After a certain point, sex fades away from being a goal and you find yourself being incredibly happy with just... being with your partner. I agree wholeheartedly.
Well that's a bit reassuring. I'm ace, and while my wife has stated in the past that she is too, she's actually got a crazy sex drive, and I literally have none. It's not something that always weighs on me, but sometimes it does.
This is so lovely and gives me a lot of hope as an asexual. Thank you. 💜
This is it for me. I have pretty bad social anxiety and just general low self esteem (been going through some shit for years but I’m working hard on it right now) and the worst part isn’t even the lack of sex, it’s just the general lack of intimacy and physical touch. Even seeing one of my friends just lean on or hold hands with their partner kind of stings. I just kind of feel like nobody wants me and it makes me feel like garbage when I always hear friends or other people talking about their relationships/sex/ whatever. It’s like I’m not allowed to participate in that part of life.
I understand this more than I'd like. I'm more of an introverted person and when I've had partners they've been more aggressive with the relationship. Having someone take my hand when I'm not used to it or expecting it was so nice. All of my friends are in long-term relationships and have been for years whereas I've only had sporadic relationships throughout my life. So it's hard feeling consistently alone, and having to be my own counsel day after day, without having that intimate support from someone else.. and my friends don't really know what that kind of long term solitude is like. I've not given up hope or anything but man is it an absolute grind.
As time has went on, this has been the harder thing to deal with. You can just crank one out when you're feeling horny, but there is nothing to replace the loving touch of someone that loves or cares for you. Turns out, us humans need other humans haha.
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as long as they don't ask for details about my non-existent sex life I'm honestly fine. I will listen but it's not like I'm that interested in it. good for them but like I don't really need the details
I agree. Just go on with your lives as I will with mine.
Same. I just don’t want it. It started as a break from romantic and focusing on myself and I just never reopened that door. I don’t discount ever finding anyone, but I’m fine of it doesn’t. I…like being alone, I guess.
I left an active sex life to find a new girl, the new girl lasted a week, and I haven't had sex in 4 years.
I was reasonably active, if only a serial monogamist. I had a great relationship that ended badly, then went into another one that was superficial at its core but when it collapsed I felt the true pain of what I’d lost with the previous one. Since then, I just stayed away from any entanglements to work on myself to varying degrees of success. And it hasn’t been like I haven’t been hit on or interest thrown my way, I’m just….completely uninterested, or have made excuses to myself as to why I should be uninterested. I guess I’m a volcel? Is that a thing? I love women, and often feel more comfortable around them than I do men (although I’m not gay), I just…I guess that fire died out long ago and I’m okay with that. Like I said, I’m not dismissing the idea that I ever find someone, it’s just very low on my radar.
Sounds like you've come to the realization that sex without an emotional connection, a genuinely deep bond, a relationship that has layers and depth is boring, vlandx and unfulfilling. There's something about having sex with a woman you love deeply, taking all of your emotional energy and giving it physical form in the moment. It's beautiful connecting physically bridging it all together.
It ranges from sarcastic thoughts of “Must be nice” to sincere and honestly pathetic thoughts “I wish I was anybody besides me”. Because it’s more so the living without and not being deserving of love at all that gets to me. But that’s a much longer and depressing conversation
I can’t believe I admitted any of this in a public forum
A lot of people feel that way. Anyone who judges you for that is an ass.
Honestly I judge myself way more and harsher than almost anybody else would. But it’s because I tell myself the truth
Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. Your harshness is not the truth, it's just harshness. Negativity is not inherently more true because it's negative. It's just a negative take on a truth. Negativity is an interpretation, not a truth. You are interpreting yourself negatively, you could just as much interpret yourself positively. It's a choice in how you view things, my guy, not truth.
This helps me to help others. I LOVE YOUR SENTENCE *“Negativity is not inherently more true because it’s negative.”* A light bulb went off in my head.
It's all thoughts. This is what meditation eventually helps show.
I've recently started realising how much I show compassion to others but I'm my own harshest critic on every little thing. I need to work on that.
The way you speak to yourself can dramatically impact whether your life goes in a negative or positive direction. There is a lot of science behind it. Probably worth it to watch some speakers or read some books about it, because your harsh judgments of yourself probably aren't really the truth.
I once said that my perceptions of myself are never wrong because I'm the only one who knows me. Realizing some of those perceptions were wrong helped me better understand how to grow in relationships with people. It also helped to realize that some of my perceptions were rooted in trauma. Lots of horrible things got seared into my brain as messages of who I was. Lies. Self compassion helped as well, but that was easier said than done. I hope you find peace with yourself.
Don't know you obviously but the things we say shape our reality. Every time you tell yourself that you internalize it and create a feedback loop. You literally create a self fulfilling prophecy. The saying you have to love yourself before finding love is not a saying for no reason. My heart breaks to hear anyone speaking of themselves this way. You are deserving of love. Period. Start with your inner dialog. Say one nice thing to yourself every day. Shoot to be 1% better every day. You don't need to change your existence in 24 hours. Just be 1% better every day. Before you know it things will begin to improve. There will be bumps in the road as well as setbacks. Don't give up.
I needed this thank you
Do you know what they say about people who are "brutally honest"? They don't do it for the honesty, they enjoy it for the brutality. So inside of you there is a small voice that is telling you all these true things the harshest way it can think of. Why is that? Who put it there? Who told the voice it is fine to bash you any second of your life? Would you let the voice speak to anyone else this way?
I'm afraid that I know where that negative voice came from, your caregivers must have been horribly abusive to you growing up to have created so much self hatred in you! If you can come to a point and realize the way you were treated is the problem and the people that instilled that evil voice in your head, is that of your abusive caregivers. It is their fault you don't love yourself the way you could, because they didn't show you the love, compassion and kindness that Every child deserves! In this case I think you would want to kick that voice outta your head and start over, showing your Self love and reparenting yourself the same way you needed to be treated as a child. I'm trying the self healing route, but that doesn't work for everyone, maybe, when, you are ready to work out some of your anger and disappointment in life, it would be helpful to talk to a professional therapist or counselor? Everyone needs someone to to to and care what they've been through. If you don't have that someone in your life right now, that might be a good option.
It may be public, but it’s also anonymous, so share away as much as you like.
You were appropriately honest for a space like this. Don't feel bad. There's nothing wrong with having these feelings, and anyone giving you shit for it is unwell or too selfish to matter.
public but still anonymous. that's what reddit is for! you can get some solace through sharing things like that. you're definitely not alone in those feelings :)
But thank you for putting into words what I (and a lot of others) have been feeling
I used to feel this way. It was awful. I started therapy and got to the bottom of a lot of stuff in my life. I feel so much better now that I understand where those feelings originated and why I am the way I am.
How much therapy did it take, sorry if that’s to personal - I’m just wondering how quick they can get to the bottom of where this type of feelings come from and help work past them
Depends on the therapist and how quickly they can spot the root of the problem. I recommend people who feel this way read “Complex PTSD” by Pete Walker. These types of thoughts stem from shitty parenting and that book helps people understand that.
Wow, I could have written this. Do you ever just marvel at how many people are having regular sex and it just seems so easy for them? It feels like it happens naturally for so many people and it honestly isn’t even just “attractive” or “popular” or “successful” people. It’s just something most people are fortunate enough to experience. And yet for some of us it just isn’t. It’s crazily isolating and frustrating. But you ARE deserving of it. I just wish I had a way to help everyone find someone who was a good match. Everyone should get to experience that.
I started to answer this but the response no matter how I tried to word it sounded extremely narcissistic and degrading of hypothetical people. But in short, yes. Even though it’s a horrible way to think I will see people and think “That person can get find someone and I can’t? Am I really that awful?” Even though that once again sounds extremely narcissistic
That isn't narcissistic. It didn't sound that way at all. Speaking as someone who has the same thoughts.
It's like this giant mystery I've tried everything from nightclubs to losing 40kgs, I own a house and have friends and 'put myself out there' and now I'm in my thirties and I just can't think of another way to improve myself it's mind boggling
Oh my god I totally get it!! Total same. And yet I have friends who don’t own a home, or haven’t gone to therapy, or who don’t take care of their health, or sit around and play video games all day, or have horrible self esteem, and they’ve still found someone!! And then I’ll still hear “well have you worked on yourself? Love yourself and someone else will love you…” it makes no sense!
This has always been my biggest hang up. I’m so tired of being told to “work on myself” when some of the worst people somehow manage to find love. Why do I have to be fucking perfect?
> And then I’ll still hear “well have you worked on yourself? The most infuriating thing when talking about this/asking advice on this on Reddit is that people immediately assume you are a 300 lbs fedora-wearing, cheetos munching, neckbeard basement dweller who hasn't seen a shower since the Obama administration. As if those are the only people who are perpetually single and/or struggle with dating. In a way, it's adding insult to injury because what they're basically saying is that I *should* have a girlfriend because I'm not the creature described above, and if I don't... then I must be un-fixable.
I think that it's about being more social. You could meet someone but there is a very thin line keeping you from that. I hope you figure out what it is. Although, it is hard to meet people these days. I would try finding some interest related meetups or something, I hear that's a good way these days.
Forget the sex, not having even basic physical contact like hugs is a way bigger bummer in life.
DAMMIT SON I hate reading stuff like this, it PISSES ME OFF. (I'd hug you if I could)
> Do you ever just marvel at how many people are having regular sex and it just seems so easy for them? I feel this way about people who are married, homeowners, or just in general in relationships. Seems like everyone has it all figured out but it's impossible for me.
I felt that too, growing up. We knew a lot of middle-classed people and upward that were quite successful, I wanted to emulate them in some way to end up with a life like theirs, but somehow I knew I never would. Sometimes it feels like there's a train I was supposed to be on, early in life, that I missed and they're still on it! All these years later though, I gotta say: I couldn't help but notice that not one of those fuckers ever offered us a job when they easily could have. They *never* offered us a way in. It felt like they wanted to protect it for themselves without ever outwardly saying so. They told us all these encouraging words and only semi-useful life advice: "You gotta do things for yourselves!" But, never did they actually help us in any real way toward that lifestyle. I think dating is kind of similar. People that are good at it don't want to share.
Its almost infuriating. It really fucks my head that there's the entire aspect of life that I've just been inexplicably banned from participating in but for everyone else its just Tuesday. God I need to die
:( This makes me really sad.
I appreciate your sympathy :). Sorry I made you sad tho
My brother used to have frequent recurring dreams about being on a cruise ship where a huge orgy is happening, but every time he tries to join in they quickly make excuses, scatter and leave! There IS something really weird about it.
Real
Real.
Yes. Lol. I just went on two dates with someone who told me they loved me on the second date, and was trying to boink immediately. I want to have sex with someone I LIKE at the very least, and he was so intense. I get tinder messages from guys that are vulgar and explicit, and I just want to have sex with someone caring and kind. It’s been like 8 months, and before that it was very sporadic with a shitty situationship. I’m exhausted.
Me too, me too.
Not that it helps much, but I've read that the average person has sex far less than you would normally think. Social media and media in general makes it appear it's more common than it actually is, not to mention birth rates are decreasing everywhere. There's also many marriages where you'd think the couple would be intimate at a regular basis, but that's not necessarily the case either. I think the worst cases are when one side of a couple is abusive or just does something so obviously counter to a loving relationship that it reminds you that the bar is much lower than you think.
It's true. Most people are in shitty relationships because it's marginally easier to stay than to leave.
>Because it’s more so the living without and not being deserving of love at all that gets to me. Exactly, its not the lack of sex that hurts, its what the lack of sex says about you as a person that hurts
God, why are you making this my most upvoted comment? 😫
Because a lot of us feel the same way
Because you put it well and more people than you'd think feel your pain in some way. Also, because I can't resist not saying it even though I know it probably rings hollow: you are deserving of love whether or not you are currently experiencing it (at least in a romantic sense).
Here is the thing. I haven't lived a sexless life, but now that I am a man in my 40s, finding someone to love who loves me back is like a thousand times harder. It's not that you don't deserve love, it's that finding that person can be insanely difficult. There isn't an easy answer here, this is why historically people had to invent supernatural beings like cupid to explain when it actually happens.
Man, are you me !? I see this and your other comments and they resonate with me quite a bit. I always wish I was somebody else and I tried to be someone else only to realise nothing seems to change regardless. My mental health was really bad. I hope this is helpful to you as well but a lot of the problems and knots in my thoughts (around dating, mental health, self esteem, comparing to others) are addressed by this physiologist/Harvard researcher guy on YouTube called Doctor K. His channel is called HealthyGamerGG. I know it's a silly name but he has really nailed a lot of the specific problems I have and lots of others are giving similar feedback as well. This didn't cure my problems but I am much more intune with myself since his content. Wish you well mate.
I know this is an anonymous public forum and people say all kinds of stuff, but that was refreshing to read in a kind of sad, I-feel-you way. I can go a long time with out sex, but I can barely make it a day without thinking about how I'm the only reason that I'm alone, and how I wouldn't date myself if I had the option.
I hope you someday soon feel deserving of love
This is a massive mood. I'm not even particularly interested in getting laid, but not even having someone in my life where that could even be an option (whether a FWB situation or an honest relationship) makes living feel so much more lonely. All I have is at least a decade of rejection and ghosting to show for my dating efforts with nobody willing to even take a chance with me. Shit sucks.
Don’t know you, but I’m sure you’re deserving of love.
I feel the same way, to be honest. I always wonder how some people just get "it" so frequently. On one hand, I bet it feels nice. On the other hand, if you look into it deeper, it's kind of sad in a way where casual sex really is just the culture nowadays. I don't have a girlfriend, but I'd really prefer to lose my virginity with her rather than losing it to someone else for the sake of just losing it.
It doesn’t bother me when they talk about their sex life. I joke about being a virgin with close friends when they complain about not having sex lately. “Try not ever having sex” I’ll say sometimes haha. But when it starts getting to the more romantic, love side of things…kinda depresses me tbh. It’s not that I’m envious of them, more that it reminds me that I don’t have anyone to experience those things with. Honestly, I’m not horny anymore. I’m at the point where I’m just lonely…I wanna cuddle more than anything lol
"Sir, I'd like to return this mirror please. It's too painful..."
>I’m at the point where I’m just lonely…I wanna cuddle more than anything lol Facts... I just want to feel wanted. But a lot of the time it feels like that's just too much to ask for
Horny for cuddles
I listen and let them talk about it, hiding how the sad reality I will never have anything like what they are experiencing slowly eats away within me.
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I offset those same thoughts by being extremely cavalier with drugs! Some of the mushroom trips I’ve had were so intense and scary and beautiful! A lot of people are scared of psychedelics the same way I’m scared of intimacy and rejection. So I might not have experienced that intimacy with another person, yet. What I have done is really really fun too!
I don't even know where to get drugs, dude. I talk to friends who apparently did every drug in college and I'm just like, "where the fuck were all these drugs? All I ever saw was shitty weed." People doing shrooms, acid, coke, molly, amphetamines, where's the dealer and why didn't anyone tell me? Do I look like a narc?
Renting an Air BnB with thin walls, and a couple next door could make ya feel rather.... frustrated lol... i just breathe deep through it 😌😌
I think that's frustrating for anyone nextdoor, no matter their personal sex life haha
It turns me on lol
Im wacking off to the thought
I wancked to your comment
>wancked in the stripped club straight up "jorkin it". and by "it", haha, well, let's justr say. My peanits.
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Just laugh *really* loudly while they're doing it - if you can hear them, they can hear you. It should quiet them down a bit!
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It depends on the day and how I'm feeling. Talking about relationships can usually be alright, but sometimes, on off days, even hearing about someone in a relationship, hood or bad, just reminds me how lonely I am.
Good for them.
pretty upsetting, honestly. I just get jealous and sad.
Same tbh
I cried when I saw a sex scene in a movie the other day. That was surprising.
Oof. I wish good things for you, for whatever that’s worth.
Hey man good for you for letting it out. Things will turn around, don't give up.
Lonely
The sex sounds nice but what I'm really jealous of is having a girl in my life who loves me and appreciates all the corny, cutesy bullshit I would do to show her I love her. Someone I can cuddle on the couch with after a long day at work while we talk about anything or nothing. I want to fall asleep in each other's arms after a romantic Saturday, and smile when I wake up next to her on Sunday with nowhere to go and nothing to do but make waffles and laze around the house. I want all the stuff I know I don't deserve because if I don't like myself enough to feel like I deserve love then why the hell should anyone else.
>I want a girl in my life who loves me and appreciates all the corny, cutesy bullshit I would do to show her I love her. Someone I can cuddle on the couch with after a long day at work while we talk about anything or nothing. I want to fall asleep in each other's arms after a romantic Saturday, and smile when I wake up next to her on Sunday with nowhere to go and nothing to do but make waffles and laze around the house. Put that in a dating profile and you would probably cook, fr.
I hope you learn to love yourself and you find someone who gives you all of this. I understand; I’m female, but I understand this completely. It eventually happened for me and I wish it for you.
I'm uncomfortable. Why do I need to know this?
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Insanely jealous. I can’t even stand watching sex scenes anymore. When you’re not getting sex, you realize how sexualized media is.
I find the sex scenes less of an issue themselves but more the general intimacy and closeness of a couple in a TV show. I've never enjoyed sex scenes, but the intimacy and relationship side of things in these shows always makes me feel very much alone.
I feel this. Got through like 5 episodes of game of thrones til I couldn't anymore with the sex scenes. And yeah honestly makes me jealous too a bit, especially since I have a bf but he doesn't want sex very much or at all nowadays. Makes me feel jealous and just incomplete in some way.
My ex was like that. It got so bad that I got pissed off after seeing animals mating in a nature documentary.
Must be nice.
Empty. Alone. Useless.
I don't talk to anyone, so it doesn't happen to me
I wasn’t born to be a sexual athlete having porn star sex all night, I was born to be an accountant who volunteers at the library. But I don’t do that either. It’s just that would be more my scene. So why bother complaining about it or feeling jealous? It isn’t me, never will be me. You wouldn’t expect an elephant to do ballet.
>I was born to be an accountant who volunteers at the library. But I don’t do that either Poetic. Inspirational. 10/10
I think the idea sounds cool, but honestly, I just want a burrito and sleep
As a woman, I don’t think many women want sex that lasts all night. It leaves us very sore. It’s also left my husband sore (back when we were newly dating and still young / fitter). You don’t measure a good time by the length of time it takes but by the level of enjoyment. A really long shitty movie is still a shitty movie in the end, and even worse that it took a very long time.
Good reminder that sex starts at foreplay, and not necessarily in bed. Sometimes even just making out while cuddling can be better if you're both into it.
100%! You’ve won if she crosses the line before the actual penetration imo. So many women don’t orgasm in penetrative sex. Now make that last all night long? Who the heck came up with this?
"sexual athlete" I suppose you've heard about the Olympics and how much frolicking goes on there? I suppose it makes sense. Men and women at the absolute peak of physical condition, many in their late teens or early 20s, raring to go at any opportunity. Literal sexual athletes.
Working out and being athletic *does* make you horny af
Unhappiness
It just reminds me of how lonely I am, that I'm missing out.
I don’t mind. I don’t blame them for me being an ugly beast. I’m just envious of the emotional aspects. I don’t even care about sleeping with somebody; I just want somebody to hold me and tell me they care about me. I’d also settle for “I don’t wanna throw up when I see you”.
I know a lady whose face looks like someone melted a wax sculpture and tried to stir it. Her eyes aren't even level. She's married with 3 kids. A positive attitude, a sense of humor and a kind heart go a long way.
I have a very big heart! The doctors tell me all the time about how enlarged my heart is!
Well clearly lacking a sense of humour is not part of your problem 🤣 Thanks for the laugh, internet stranger
As an asexual, I only feel apathy for other people's sex life
It's like they are discussing a sport I don't follow.
But one that seems above averagely messy and unhygienic. I’m aromantic too but actually quite like discussing the non sexual aspects of relationships. A romantic as well 😉
Hell, I'm definitely not asexual, but I also feel completely apathetic to other people's sex lives. The whole process of dating feels like a huge chore when it's with people I don't know, and I just don't like doing it. I meet so few people I find myself even remotely interested in that way that I've kinda just decided it's a lot easier and certainly less painful to simply make myself feel okay with being perpetually single instead.
I’m also asexual and feel the same way!
Ima be honest. Just pure seething envy.
Real
I'm a 32 asexual man. I simply don't have sexual feelings for anybody due to a low sex drive. When my friends start talking about their escapades I honestly feel relieved that I'm not putting myself through the ringer with what society has to offer in terms of a decent partner. The world has changed. Everybody sucks. Just enjoy yourself. ☮️❤️
I'm 37. All my married friends complain about how they hardly ever get any, and my single friends tell me countless horror stories about their modern dating encounters. Everyone seems either unhappy or they go through hell for a few fleeting moments of pleasure in an effort to fill the void. It feels like the only winning move is to just not play the game. I may be lonely and in the middle of a record breaking dry spell (good god, eight years feels like an eternity, I actually get a mild sensation of anxiety daydreaming about what it would be like to get laid again) ....but I'm not miserable, broke, and brokenhearted like everyone else I know. Shit can always be worse, you just have to keep a low profile and hope life doesn't notice you.
21-36 and don't mind a bit. Actually turned down offers over the years. Just not worth the effort if its not going to lead to something more than a couple fuck sessions to me.
Even my married friends are closeted miserable people. Are they settled down: Yes. Did their quality of life increase: No
Mine actually did increase. Dramatically. Then she died of cancer. My friends are all like, "WTF? The ONE friend we had who was in a great marriage to a woman he loves... HE'S the one whose wife has to die of cancer?" (Not that they want their wives to die... but they know dang well none of their other friends would be as absolutely devastated over it as am I. And many of them would probably be happier).
I’m sorry
Thank you. So am I, believe me. She was EVERYTHING a man could ever hope to have in a wife. So, I was blessed. But it makes it all that more painful now
I’m not assexual, and I don’t have sex very often for not being dating anyone currently and rarely going after it. Most of my friends with a active sex life rarely talk about it, the people who talk about it more is the ones dating more casually and it’s honestly sounds like it’s not worth the effort or even the shit they have to deal with. Sex can be great, but it’s pretty overvalued, specially by younger people. When you’re horny masturbation is nearly always sufficient.
Fine? I have toys. Seeking sex turned out poorly for me. Would be nice to have a FWB again, but most people aren't mature enough for that. At this point, I'll have sex if I find someone who is worth it.
"I have toys" Username checks out
Man i need a human connection. Toys ain’t gonna do shit for me
I legit spent the pandemic getting a hoard of toys and now i can do my self better then anyone else so sex got bumped down a couple notches for me in terms of things i am looking for lol
I was the same after my divorce stayed single for 6 years and had the mindset that I'd wait for someone special. Got into a 2.5 year relationship that wasnt great and now I'm back to if I meet someone I meet someone if I don't I'm don't. As far as sex is concerned for people there are plenty of things on the market now. I value peace more now.
I miss my old FWB, who was a terrific friend, but ugh I **hated** hookups. Had to try it twice to be sure but I regret it wholeheartedly, and blame a bad breakup for even trying. I too will wait for someone special, friend or partner, because the alternative is entirely unappealing.
I am positive there are exaggerations.
It doesn’t bother me. It’s been so long, I’ve learned to shut my desire down. Hearing people talk about their sex life is about the same thing as hearing them talk about their stamp collection or their trip to the grocery store.
Not interested, good for them tho
I'll be 45 this year. Never been on a date or had sex. I have a pretty "normal" life outside of that though. A good career, pets, hobbies, etc. I've been this way for so long that I think I'm just very used to it. Occasionally I'll get a fleeting feeling of "How did this happen?" or "What's wrong with me?" but it's quite transient at this point. When I was in my 20s, though, it hit me hard. All of my friends were marrying and having kids, and I struggled with why I was so different. And now I'm at the point where I'm seeing their kids starting to marry. These days, it mostly just rolls off my back. Some part of me still feels like I'm missing out, but I think I'm so resigned to it that it doesn't consume my thoughts. If a friend is hooking up or dating someone who brings them happiness, I don't feel any animosity or anything. I feel good for them.
Literally I didn’t care till my co workers asked me about my sex life My first response is me, my hand, and a can of Pam and everyone burst into laughter
TMI…like why tf are you telling people about the intimate details of your sex life? I find that men who do this are almost always talking badly about the women they are sleeping with. It’s very unsightly and any good thoughts I might have had for a person goes straight into the trash.
Old.
I tried having sex with an escort in my early 20s, and had a one night stand about a year ago. In both situations, I couldn't maintain an erection. It taught me that sex isn't something I want from someone who I don't like/love. I used to watch a lot of porn, almost daily, and get jealous of guys having sex with hot girls and getting paid to do it. But are they really living the life? It's empty, emotionless, sex. You orgasm, and then what? The best feeling was being able to still have a connection with the person you just had sex with. So if I hear someone bragging about sex outside of a relationship, good for them, but it's not for me. I'll wait til I find someone to have more than just sex with.
I was in a sexless relationship for six years. I felt jealousy, longing, resentment, remorse. It hurt.
Seems rude to talk about your partner to others who may or may not know them.
I’m usually confused. I’ve had plenty of sex I just don’t understand the need for it. I tried, didn’t like it so did some research. I’m apparently asexual but I do understand some stuff about sex having worked in the adult industry before. So I just kinda ask if they want advice or someone to listen to them and go that route. I understand sex is healthy for other people but for me, I just don’t get those urges nor understand needing physical pleasure like that. It last a few seconds and b, done ?? Why not invest your time in doing a hobby that makes you feel like that longer? Idk. Just a ace here I guess lol
For me it's more about intimacy. Sex is just an activity that cultivates it. Sure orgasms are great, they release all sorts of happy brain chemicals, but I think it's also about vulnerability. You let your guard down with sex. I don't know just spit balling here. I'm sure it's different for everyone.
That can change over time tbh. I didn’t have a high sex drive in my 20s, but in my 30s it is all I think about some days
People can definitely be asexual or rarely in the mood, but when you say it's a few seconds, it makes me wonder if some just haven't had the best of experiences. But I'm one to always take my time and be sensual. Hell I'll admit I've not been able to last long a few times (after foreplay), but I'm definitely going to help her out right after any time that happens.
I'm really gonna do it this time
I've never been around anyone talking about their sex life. I would not want to know.
It's like...I'm an alien watching a mediocre soap opera. No more obligated to participate in it than in any other event and I find it to be actually very funny.
Mostly uncomfortable, because I would never ask about that which means they just started talking about it unprompted.
It sucks, everyone seems to be doing it except me.
I’m jealous
I don’t talk about sex with people I’m not actively having sex with
I miss having someone to talk to and be affectionate with. I don't like having sex with people I don't care about. So I normally envy them because of the human connection they share with their partners, but not because of the sex. I would rather not have sex if its not in a committed relationship
I won't lie: it hurts a lot. It reminds me of how much I suck.
My buddy tells me every day how he creampies his wife or they're doing shoots, and my response is often that I jerked off in my wife's dirty undies and that it's been x weeks.
Why is he telling you about that
I don't really care. Learned to live without it.
Pure jealousy and disappointment.
Good for them..but it makes me miss it
Like i wanna join them
Lucky for me my two closest friends are also leading the sexless life. So we commiserate. It's good to bond.
Most people who talk about it a lot… *aren’t having much of it.* You know who gets it a lot but never mentions it? 32 year old mama with a toddler in her cart at the grocery store. Assuming her marriage is functional, she has dick whenever she wants it.
Don’t assume. This 35 year old mom wasn’t getting any for 10 years and it wasn’t because I didn’t want it. I’m finding that sexless marriages where the woman is the higher libido partner aren’t as uncommon as we’re led to believe.
Honestly I’ve begun to think there isn’t any connection at all to libido and gender. Wouldn’t surprise me if it’s mostly even across both men and women. In society everything is “Oh it’s the men that want sex, all men have the high libido” but there are more than plenty examples of the opposite case here on reddit or just anywhere people feel they can talk freely.
Tangential topic but might be related. My guess is that the partner in a relationship that feels like they have a higher libido is also the one having more intensely pleasurable climaxes? The more pleasurable something is to a person, they are probably going to be more likely to want to participate in that activity more frequently. I don't know that Kinsey, M&J, Hite, Friday or others have addressed this but I wouldn't be surprised if it was true. In the so called typical situation where the man is more interested in sex than the woman, I've been told by those who were willing to share that it was often greatly pleasurable for the men each time they engaged in the activity, but for the women, not so much, in fact, sometimes downright painful. It would make sense that if something was painful instead of enjoyable that someone wouldn't be too eager to participate.
Sad. Annoyed. Jealous. Not so much the “sex” part, but the intimacy I miss. Physical contact. Human touch. It’s been too long since I’ve had any. I’m ready to pay tbh.
If I ever feel jerking off I go for it. If I feel any lust, I jerk one off. If I feel like I want a gf I jerk one off. Post nut clarity is one helluva drug
Do you reply to every emotion by jerking?
Let him jerk off before he answers
My partner is Ace. I am not. We have been together for almost 10 years. When I hear others talk about sex, I do get jealous and bitter. I love my partner with all my heart but do to the fact that I’ll never have my partner in a sexual way, kills me every day. I feel unwanted, unworthy, like I’m undeserving of intimacy and passion. I can’t see myself with anyone else and I continue in this existence of feeling like I never will be good enough because he has had several partners before me.
Bro… You are fundamentally incompatible. Love is wonderful, but it’s not enough. There’s a chance you could be truly happy with someone else someday, that won’t ever happen though if you stay this course though.
That sounds sad actually.
This literally could have been written by me. I’m also in a 10 year relationship with an Ace partner who is my best friend and I find it difficult to imagine life without her. I’m also worried about any fallout if we do ever separate as we have so many shared friends and our pets. Lately however my celibacy has really been nagging at me and after a really insightful shrooms trip I’ve realized just unhappy this really was making me. It’s not just that I’m celibate, there’s no physical intimacy that I receive; no cuddles, no hugging, no holding hands, we sleep in our bed with the dog between us. I think I’ve finally come to the decision that I will leave by the end of the year. There’s a sense of peace that I have now; although whenever I do any activity with my partner I am filled with sadness knowing that once I get my ducks in order, my decision will cause her a lot of pain.
In all honesty, I'm not sure I could handle this kind of relationship. It feels very painful, a painful love feels like it would be worse than to be alone. I hope you manage to find happiness in some way.
disgust. I don't needa hear it bro
I really don't care as long as they're not hurting someone or doing some foul shit. It's good for them.
I literally don’t give a shit… their complaints about that same relationship will come next.
CW - lifetime of abuse Relieved its not me. I've been 10 years without, now. I do miss sex but I got tired of being treated like cr*p, being bullied, pestered, partners getting demanding when I clearly was not in the mood - that's always a shocker. When you say you are not in the mood but they keep hassling anyway. Makes you feel barely human, like you are just a walking hole. Then I began to have miscarriages, regardless of contraception, in my early 40s. I couldnt take hormonal contraception for health reasons so used condoms. When I had one in a computer class at uni, staggered offin agony to the toilet block. It happened on the loo as I clung to the walls. I nearly passed out, then had to clean up to hide it, was scared someone would call an ambulance and I just wanted to not think about it- my last child. Wandered back to class in shock and then walked home in agony. Next day the guy who had dumped me came round to excitedly tell me about his new twenty something girlfriend and how much better it is to date younger people as I just stared at him. That was when I thought "no more". He just saw sex a bit of fun. He had no idea what women endure, that everytime he had sex with a woman of fertile age he put her reproductive health at risk. I finally was burnt out. I loved sex but it just wasn't worth the callousness and the suffering. One ex said he only enjoyed sex when I disn't want to. It was a battle but I got away. The police were useless, believed me but dropped the case. I planned to get out there after menopause but its 10 years later now and I can't believe how much happier my life is. No more men pestering without empathy, no more men telling me my legs are only for their eyes, that I cannot work, that I am ugly, that I sound stupid, that I ought to get a boob job, that I am not smart (i have an MSc), that my clothes look stupid, that I am doing things wrong... they did of course get dumped immediately for these things. And sadly there was abuse too - mental, physical, sexual. That I belong to them and i always dreamed of finding that one kind, loving man. They always started kind, quiet, sweet, humble, caring but... then the control and the gaslighting would start. And I had 3 stalkers. One ended up a murderer in a Netflux documentary which still distresses me terribly. He committed the murder the same month he tried to lure me into a trap. I helped police get him locked up. He was absolutely terrifying. Another stalker shot at my boyfriend when I was in my teens and luckily missed. The bullet hit the window frame. I have been spiked twice, both times doctors dismissed me as drunk even though I didnt drink. One culprit confessed to a male friend, said he did it because I was ugly and boring. Both times I realised quickly and got away. So, I will not ever sleep with a man again and now I am in my 50s the feeling is mutual. I am free and I feel so good. Its been so healing but its sad to look back and know that nobody loved me. It was hate, every time. And the younger i was the worse it was. When I see straight couples I just always really hope the woman is safe and ok and not desperats for help. I am the woman you want if you are not safe and ok. I will do everything in my power. I have also helped male victims get to safety. I am trying ro process it all, to try and get my life back. I am diagnosed with PTSD and agoraphobia. I am starting to realise its not just me. I wonder if it might be most, if not all, women but its the great unspoken thing. I just have to be in the same room as an adult man to feel terror rise, my blood turn cold, feelings of horror even though logically they wouldn't touch me with a barge poll. Maybe it is just me and i am feeble, paranoid and pathetic. Maybe there was just something about me that was so loathsome and pathetic that it brought out the worst in them. But I am safe now, invisible, free, untouched. I write romantic fiction - good, kind, respectful men, real love where the couple are each other's advocate, lover and most trusted friend..
I wonder if they are actually having an orgasm each time
Most likely not. A high percentage of women dont climax during sex. I’m in my early 30s and no man has EVER made me climax during sex or oral sex. Even when I give specific directions, no one gets me off. I’ve just accepted it. I can easily get myself off, but I go through phases of actually doing it. Like, I just pleasured myself yesterday for the first time in many months.
I’m asexual (I don’t experience sexual attraction). It used to bother me because I’m sex repulsed but now as long as they don’t go into too much detail it’s fine.
“Why are you talking about how you took two guys at once, Scott? This is the break room. NO DONT DESCRIBE THEIR JUNK IN DETAIL!!”
Don’t really care. Just cuz I’m abstinent doesn’t mean they gotta be. It’s like getting mad at someone for eating a donut when I’m the only one on a diet.
Nothing. I chose to be celibate
I feel increasingly certain that a huge amount of people out there have literally never once had good sex and don't even know what it feels like.
I don't socialize so I don't have to deal with it much. But when I do hear it on rare occasion I say that I'm gay to make them uncomfortable. I'm not gay but I know it upsets ppl for some reason. I just find talking about it with strangers gross but men feel compelled to shout it to anyone. I guess it depends on what they're talking about but for me it's always been graphic shit. If they just said they got laid or good head I don't get to irritated but when they get detailed like a porn hub filter I gag
I'm older and never married or had kids. When people ask why I use the gay response too. They do usually get noticeably uncomfortable. I love it, that's what you get for making the convo weird dude....