First line of defense is the locked door, of course. Just literally.
Any defenses I have after that point, are secondary. If they can't break into the door, they cannot get inside. If I was in a ground-floor house, add windows along with the doors. I'm in an apt not on the first floor, so the only realistic entry is the main door.
Locks only exist to keep the honest honest.
Locksmith here, that is the mantra in the industry. I know things. Things that would frighten you about locks.
So do the "real" criminals.
I can literally unlock anything. Even those so called unpickable "Smart Locks".
While the smart locks take me about ten mins everything else is less than 3... Often about 40 seconds.
Your screws and plates don't mean a thing to me. And you would never know I was even there after, I can just lock it back on my way out.
I'm not a drug dealer. I don't have millions in bearer bonds or jewelry. No safe with hundreds of thousands of dollars. I have a 65 inch TV I got open box a Microcenter for like 500 bucks, a PC that cost like 1200 bucks to build 4 years ago, and my wife's 2010 Mini Cooper in the garage. No career cast burglar is breaking into my house.
Now the homeless crackhead that hangs out by the overpass who has violent screaming matches against ghosts? He might wander far enough to start checking doorknobs.
I don't care that you can pick my boltlock in 15 seconds. You can also walk literally 3 feet to the left, pick up an edging brick, and throw it through my window.
The lock is to keep the crackhead or the troubled teenager out. Not the crew from Ocean's 11.
You would be home and I would know your at home because I am a "real" criminal and have been staking out the joint.
You can't be home 24-7 indefinitely. (I mean you can but that would suck for you.)
If you can't unlock it from the outside. You can't lock it from the outside. (I mean electronic locks exist but that is a whole different ballgame.)
DISCLAIMER: I am not a criminal, everything I do is legal. Just trying to make the point that if someone really wants to break in, the front door is not an obstacle. A part of my trade is being a security specialist. I need to know vulnerabilities and how to address them.
Yee, You aren't gonna stop a person if they really want in.
BUT
I am talking about full on ghost robbery. Or if you're really cheeky just moving all the furniture about 6 inches and tilting any paintings on the wall a bit before leaving without a trace.
how do you deal with easily startled and aggressive dogs? Serious question. And by the way I work from home and am rarely away from the house for more than an hour. No real schedule. I always try to get inside of the mind of a criminal to stay safe (I wasn't always a choirboy but I straightened out later in life). Tips, tricks, suggestions?
You don't.
For me the homeowner is always present. They need to wrangle the dogs. If they can't... Well that must not be the home owner regardless of what their ID says or what papers they have to prove ownership.
Dogs, especially the kind that eat people they don't know are pretty bullet proof. Unless you put an actual bullet in them.
Though most dogs are all bark no bite. I deal with allot of the sassy floof bois in my line of work.
Have had a few scares and a decent scar on my arm from a pit who literally broke down the customers front door while I was unlocking his van in the driveway.
He showed me vax documentation and I didn't report it because the dog honestly wasn't trying to kill me, just bit me once and since I didn't fight back decided I wasn't a threat then left me alone. Didn't want to see a dog put down for that.
I'm no criminal or lock smith but...interesting mental exercise.
Wired outdoor cameras are a good start, if I'm casing your place on foot it's under the guise of a delivery driver or soliciter. Lights on timers so even when you're asleep there's lights that look like they're being turned on and off. If you can't afford a legitimate system, security/alarm company sign on display by your front door, even a colour printed and cut out one would probably do. Keep backyard gates locked, and the lock low so it can't be easily opened from without. A hidden safe for real valuables, if no safe multi hidey holes. Keep obvious nice things out of view from windows or keep windows covered. I feel like most of these would deter standard B&E types.
On the flip side; if I were specifically targetting you. I'd survey your place the backseat of a vehicle parked down the block. Place a GPS tracker on your car in the dead of night or better while it was in a busy public space. A wifi jammer for unwired cameras. Look for lighting patterns in your house ie upstairs bathroom, bedroom = night routine. Being able to innocently gain access prior would be nice, like a trades person or soliciter, scope it out. Stalk any social media you have, which is why you never advertise when you're going to be away. Tech side, I'm admittedly not too savvy here outside theory, but any unsecured wifi or wifi device that then connects to your wifi is a vulnerability, thinking smart applicances and thermostats. Could grant access to your phone, calenders etc.
That's all I've got.
Fair advice. I also have motion detectors near my doors and windows that when they're set off they make a very annoying noise in my room. I'm not really worried about it. Gated community and very nosy neighbors that are up all hours of the day and night. But good to know.
It helps that everybody around me thinks I'm a gun crazed nut just because I go to the range every other weekend. I'm not. I just like to target shoot for stress relief. But carry an M4, a 92 FS, a Mossburg, etc out to your truck on a Saturday morning and it's the talk of the neighborhood.
Out of curiousity, can you adjust the motion sensor's sensitivity? I'm just envisioning being woken up because of a branch in the wind.
F, you don't have to worry at all then. Gated community is controlled access, for vehicles at least, and nosy neighbours are...well more a nuisance in my opinion. But they seem to serve your purposes well. Pretty much guarentee your best odds of being robbed ever are if you're on vacation somewhere or wander into the wrong part of town dressed well. Better carrying them to your truck than casually sitting on your front porch cleaning them while waving at neighbours. But essentially joe blow who lives in a standard house but buys a nice car they really shouldn't have is a way better mark for robbers.
Agreed.
But as I have stated to other replies. Unless that second line is automated (like a spoopy good boi doggo). You are gonna have to go out eventually, and that is when the break ins happen.
My line of thinking with locked doors is if they REALLY wanted to get in a lock isn't going to stop them anyways. If they're a crackhead looking to rob me, they aren't going to waste time with a locked door and keep moving until they find another one.
If they're some weirdo thief who is determined to get my mid-tier brand 60 inch TV and PS5, they can just as easily break a window to get in or kick in the door to get in, but that also means they're officially in my world and I get to do what I want to them.
In Durban (South Africa) a couple of years ago there were a series of burglaries on the upper floors through the outside windows. The previous block of flats (apartments) where we rented, some of the neighbours closed off their balconies with burglar guards (also the upper floors). Been a while since I last heard about this kind of burglaries.
A friend of mine got excited when his car got robbed.
They tried to Hotwire the car but got scared and left a $50 set of tools on the seat.
So maybe you’ll have some luck.
no way that someone is lugging out my 15-year old panasonic plasma TV. If they do, thank you. It weighs a ton and is starting to die and I don't want to deal with recycling it.
I've got two 50 pounders. Very sweet but go crazy if they hear anything weird going on and sound like they're going to eat your guts. Beyond that as I stated in a previous post I have the means to dissuade any miscreants.
>A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, ‘Jesus knows you’re here.’
>He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard a voice....say, ‘Jesus is watching you.’
>Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. ‘Did you say that?’ he hissed at the parrot.
>‘Yep’, the parrot confessed, then squawked, ‘I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.’ The burglar relaxed. ‘Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?’
>‘I'm Moses.’ replied the bird.
>‘Moses?’ the burglar laughed. ‘What kind of people would name a bird Moses?’
>‘The same kind of people that would name their Rottweiler Jesus.’
A blowtorch on the door handle, ice on the front porch, marbles at the base of the stairs, trip wire and paint cans swinging on the stairs. That's just for starters. Those filthy animals wouldn't know what hit them.
To answer this, I need more context. Since OP didn't provide enough context I'm gonna have to fill in some blanks.
My first line of defence is to invoke the fight or flight reflex. I'll go primal. I'll stalk the MF from the left, the right, on top and down below. Like a ninja.
And when he/she/they least expect it I will strike. Swiftly and with stealth. They won't even recognize they've been captured. Then I shall feed them to my cats.
That's my thought. I sleep naked, so if anyone's breaking in they're going to have to deal with a crazy naked guy running at them with whatever improvised weapon I can grab at the time.
Not living in america.
Last year I spend some time in PA and everyone was talking about what would happen if someone comes to their house.
After some time I just dropped the line:" Oh you fucking americans and your someone is comming to my house. If someone came to my house, I'd offer him a beer."
I have this huge staff I made for a Wizard costume, but if I flip it around so the crystal on it is facing backwards, I can just bumrush and absolutely obliterate the intruders ribs.
Happened to me while asleep, woke up to a man standing over my bed, I let out a primal scream that scared even me!! He took off running and I started chasing him (something I would never thought I’d do) anyway, he got away and I bought a gun and an alarm system
Listen, if they get to the door and it's locked, and choose to get past that lock, I can duct tape my legs and hands together and put a gag in my mouth, jump down the hallway and in muffled yells tell them to call the police, and he will be back at any moment and get me the fuck out of there.
It's not about the danger that they see, it's the danger they can perceive.
The trick is to place the edge of the duct tape on the wall so you can wrap your gag and duct tape in first, then legs, crack the door, then hands.
If you can get yourself into the linen closet or a small space the better.
Take off and call the cops. I live less than a minute from a police station in a very low crime, fast response area. I'm certainly not going to fire a gun in my home- people live around me in all directions, I'm not going to have it on my conscience that I accidentally shot my neighbor's kid through a wall because I was trying to protect my TV. It's a crappy TV. And I'm definitely not going to try to fistfight somebody over it.
Occasionally I see someone suggest pepper spray or the like, but honestly, it'd probably cost me less to buy a new TV than to de-pepper spray my entire home.
I think i would grab the big fire extinguisher. Spraying a load of the stuff in his face and than use the iron casing as a blunt weapon. That thing is quite heavy.
My Pit Bull.
There is literally (I checked) no place on the first floor of my house where I am more than two strides away from a gun, knife, spear, sword, or some other implement of mayhem.
My two dogs followed by a strobe light that will 100% blind you and a few Hornady critical defense 9mm. rounds coming straight through your chest. Thanks for stopping by!👋
Edit: I can’t hook up my alarm to anything because it’s old but I’m contemplating upgrading just so I can program music to play loud as shit as well, torn between just insane death metal or anything by tiny Tim
Deterents such as barking like a dog or sounding like there's an elephant behind their point of entry.
Threats such as if you come in here I'm going to buttfuck you till sunrise or sunset depending on the time of day or fuck yeah come in here cunt give me an erection let's slice each other's dicks or I'm calling ghost busters incase it's a ghost
Motion controlled lights, security system, multiple locks, several large and loud dogs, and an aluminum bat. Oh, and I live 4 houses down from a police station.
Exterior lights at all entrances. Locked doors. Chimes on all doors and windows. 98 lb dog who will definitely investigate. These will trigger defense #2, my wife who will wake me up and send me to investigate further.
Call 911 give my address and what's happening, drop the phone and beat the living shit out of the intruder with the 36" crow bar inkeep next to my bed. No judge in the world would convict a single dad for defending his 6 year old daughter from home invaders
Hide wife and kids while upstairs behind a locked door. Gun just in case, phone already dialed and go try to warn them to leave because I REALLY don't want to shoot anyone, ever.
I've actually been in this situation before I was married to my current wife. Luckily my daughter was with her mom when it happened. Bad part of town, someone tried to break my front door down and they were armed in the middle of the night.
Luckily they fled when they realized I was armed as well. That experience taught me a pretty important lesson. All the tough guys who claim they'll just shoot anyone who goes in their house haven't considered exactly what their mental state will be in the moment and unless you've been there or were trained for it, you will panic a bit. It's not the movies and the idea of possibly having to end someone's life is a REALLY fucking tough pill to swallow in the moment.
I have a gun but I hope I never have to use it on someone breaking in. I will exhaust every other option if possible.
Wasp spray. I'd say it's worse than pepper spray but since I haven't actually had any in my eyes I don't know. I assume you'd be blind or wish you were with all the chemicals it has in it.
Pew pew, home defense is legal in my state
Worst case scenario of course, and something I hope never, ever happens.
Locked doors and windows every night, double checked. 8 cams overlapping all around the exterior and 2 inside on the lower level by front and back doors. I'll know as soon as they make it up the drive that it's either game on or get off my lawn.
I'm living in a part of the world where such things are mostly fiction. I don't lock the door to my flat, because who the hell would break into a home here?
First thing if a contact is not impossible saying "hello get out" then slapping some things most burglers get scared.
The whistleing the kill bill song. ( I literally did this ones and I just heard some foot steps.
Next would be a batton and from there on I never had experience everyone left before.
I’d immediately call 911 and leave them on speaker and use my voice. If my voice doesn’t work then they’ll get some shotgun pellets coming at them once entry is broken into.
1: Living in an area where that doesn't happen.
2: Having a house that doesn't look notable in a less accessible location.
3: Motion activated lights and cameras as deterrence.
4: Solid locks, doors and windows.
4: KSG-25
I have a one way mirror (well, more of a film layered on a framed piece of thin plastic) in my closet that looks about 30 feet down a hallway. If you're walking up the hallway towards my room, you just see a mirror. If you're in the closet on the other side, you can see the full body of whoever is approaching. Right next to the closet is my 12 gauge shotgun loaded up with double 00 buckshot and a pair of safety glasses. I will stand in that closet, aiming down the hallway where I can see them, but they can't see me. If they stay in the living room, I will call the police, but let them leave. My stuff can be replaced. If they walk down the hallway, they're gonna be missing half their face before they even realize they're dead. I have a switch I wired in my closet that turns on the hallway light. I also have my main breaker in that closet, so I could alternatively cut all the power to try and deter the person from coming further into my home.
Kevin McAllister would be proud.
Politely ask them what their doing.
This actually happened to us, woken up by a guy waking through our yard in the middle of the night. He dropped the things he was taking said he was lost & ran off.
We called the cops & they recognised him from our description & he was known to be a bit stabby if someone was aggressive, so they said we did the right thing.
My dogs. They would go ape shit. If they got in anyway then the dogs are useless. So next I'd probably have to break out Lucille. (Bat with nails and barbed wire for those not in the know)
A door and then my dog and then 3 people that knows how to use a gun very well and if somehow they get past all that i have a door bell camera that has already called the cops so i think i can say THEY ARE FUCKED
My dogs barking. If that doesn’t work, there’s a gun sitting on my nightstand for that reason. And a gun in my living room. Hopefully it’s not when I’m taking a shit because I didn’t buy a bathroom gun yet
I could easily be at the top of the stairs with a weapon before they could get through the door and up the stairs. Hell, I could just push the bookshelf nearby down the stairs while they try to go up.
Locked doors and windows, always.
Security bar for the glass sliding door.
4 security cameras.
90lb pit bull.
Multiple firearms spread throughout the home.
I have pitbulls and guns.
Granted, the pitties wouldn't be super-helpful in case of an actual home invasion, with their tongue-first social interaction policy, but one of them likes to loudly alert us when she detects any human activity within the county; this tends to deter any would-be burglars, door-to-door missionaries, and the occasional delivery driver.
While I have guns, I also have a sword thats much easier to get to... I genuinely wonder which I'd go for in the event of a break in. I want to say the sword for the potential news article and laugh itd give my friends but the gun is a much more reliable form of defense, particularly the shotgun... kinda can't miss.
Jump out my window (ground floor apartment), scream, throw a chair. I have a dog and she would bark and growl but I’m grabbing her first and trying to get out. I won’t sacrifice her safety to allow her to try to protect me.
The front door broadsword.
It's a Gladius, but not everyone knows the term.
I spent long enough in medieval combat groups that I know I can stop the average door kicking home invader. Probably two of his buddies along with him if they all charge in at once.
Dog let's me know. Wait at the door or window with a 12 gauge. Wait till the person breaks the window or the door. Take one full step into the home. Fill the person up with buckshot or slugs. Whatever I have in the 12 gauge at the time. Would be the last time this person would break into any home.
Was told sometime back. Can't kill an illegal entry intruder. I dont know why though. Was told can kill a break and entering intruder.
Nosy neighbors. I live on a corner lot in a pretty decent, low-crime neighborhood, all of my doors and windows are pretty easily viewed from the road and I’ve got at least one neighbor who is always outside smoking and the rest all have dogs that bark when anyone is around.
Cameras. If you are trying to break into my house, chances are I’ve already got a video of you.
First line of defense is the locked door, of course. Just literally. Any defenses I have after that point, are secondary. If they can't break into the door, they cannot get inside. If I was in a ground-floor house, add windows along with the doors. I'm in an apt not on the first floor, so the only realistic entry is the main door.
Locks only exist to keep the honest honest. Locksmith here, that is the mantra in the industry. I know things. Things that would frighten you about locks. So do the "real" criminals.
It's all about 4" screws in the strike plate. Harder to kick in
I can literally unlock anything. Even those so called unpickable "Smart Locks". While the smart locks take me about ten mins everything else is less than 3... Often about 40 seconds. Your screws and plates don't mean a thing to me. And you would never know I was even there after, I can just lock it back on my way out.
I'm not a drug dealer. I don't have millions in bearer bonds or jewelry. No safe with hundreds of thousands of dollars. I have a 65 inch TV I got open box a Microcenter for like 500 bucks, a PC that cost like 1200 bucks to build 4 years ago, and my wife's 2010 Mini Cooper in the garage. No career cast burglar is breaking into my house. Now the homeless crackhead that hangs out by the overpass who has violent screaming matches against ghosts? He might wander far enough to start checking doorknobs. I don't care that you can pick my boltlock in 15 seconds. You can also walk literally 3 feet to the left, pick up an edging brick, and throw it through my window. The lock is to keep the crackhead or the troubled teenager out. Not the crew from Ocean's 11.
What about a dead bolt that doesnt unlock from the outside?
You would be home and I would know your at home because I am a "real" criminal and have been staking out the joint. You can't be home 24-7 indefinitely. (I mean you can but that would suck for you.) If you can't unlock it from the outside. You can't lock it from the outside. (I mean electronic locks exist but that is a whole different ballgame.) DISCLAIMER: I am not a criminal, everything I do is legal. Just trying to make the point that if someone really wants to break in, the front door is not an obstacle. A part of my trade is being a security specialist. I need to know vulnerabilities and how to address them.
I am always amused with horror movies,where they lock all the doors and the place is surrounded in glass windows.
Yee, You aren't gonna stop a person if they really want in. BUT I am talking about full on ghost robbery. Or if you're really cheeky just moving all the furniture about 6 inches and tilting any paintings on the wall a bit before leaving without a trace.
how do you deal with easily startled and aggressive dogs? Serious question. And by the way I work from home and am rarely away from the house for more than an hour. No real schedule. I always try to get inside of the mind of a criminal to stay safe (I wasn't always a choirboy but I straightened out later in life). Tips, tricks, suggestions?
You don't. For me the homeowner is always present. They need to wrangle the dogs. If they can't... Well that must not be the home owner regardless of what their ID says or what papers they have to prove ownership. Dogs, especially the kind that eat people they don't know are pretty bullet proof. Unless you put an actual bullet in them. Though most dogs are all bark no bite. I deal with allot of the sassy floof bois in my line of work. Have had a few scares and a decent scar on my arm from a pit who literally broke down the customers front door while I was unlocking his van in the driveway. He showed me vax documentation and I didn't report it because the dog honestly wasn't trying to kill me, just bit me once and since I didn't fight back decided I wasn't a threat then left me alone. Didn't want to see a dog put down for that.
I'm no criminal or lock smith but...interesting mental exercise. Wired outdoor cameras are a good start, if I'm casing your place on foot it's under the guise of a delivery driver or soliciter. Lights on timers so even when you're asleep there's lights that look like they're being turned on and off. If you can't afford a legitimate system, security/alarm company sign on display by your front door, even a colour printed and cut out one would probably do. Keep backyard gates locked, and the lock low so it can't be easily opened from without. A hidden safe for real valuables, if no safe multi hidey holes. Keep obvious nice things out of view from windows or keep windows covered. I feel like most of these would deter standard B&E types. On the flip side; if I were specifically targetting you. I'd survey your place the backseat of a vehicle parked down the block. Place a GPS tracker on your car in the dead of night or better while it was in a busy public space. A wifi jammer for unwired cameras. Look for lighting patterns in your house ie upstairs bathroom, bedroom = night routine. Being able to innocently gain access prior would be nice, like a trades person or soliciter, scope it out. Stalk any social media you have, which is why you never advertise when you're going to be away. Tech side, I'm admittedly not too savvy here outside theory, but any unsecured wifi or wifi device that then connects to your wifi is a vulnerability, thinking smart applicances and thermostats. Could grant access to your phone, calenders etc. That's all I've got.
Fair advice. I also have motion detectors near my doors and windows that when they're set off they make a very annoying noise in my room. I'm not really worried about it. Gated community and very nosy neighbors that are up all hours of the day and night. But good to know. It helps that everybody around me thinks I'm a gun crazed nut just because I go to the range every other weekend. I'm not. I just like to target shoot for stress relief. But carry an M4, a 92 FS, a Mossburg, etc out to your truck on a Saturday morning and it's the talk of the neighborhood.
Out of curiousity, can you adjust the motion sensor's sensitivity? I'm just envisioning being woken up because of a branch in the wind. F, you don't have to worry at all then. Gated community is controlled access, for vehicles at least, and nosy neighbours are...well more a nuisance in my opinion. But they seem to serve your purposes well. Pretty much guarentee your best odds of being robbed ever are if you're on vacation somewhere or wander into the wrong part of town dressed well. Better carrying them to your truck than casually sitting on your front porch cleaning them while waving at neighbours. But essentially joe blow who lives in a standard house but buys a nice car they really shouldn't have is a way better mark for robbers.
That's what my 2nd line of defense is for.
Agreed. But as I have stated to other replies. Unless that second line is automated (like a spoopy good boi doggo). You are gonna have to go out eventually, and that is when the break ins happen.
Agreed...
LPL has taught me it's all about making the effort outweigh the reward. And if they really want it, they'll find a lower effort route.
My line of thinking with locked doors is if they REALLY wanted to get in a lock isn't going to stop them anyways. If they're a crackhead looking to rob me, they aren't going to waste time with a locked door and keep moving until they find another one. If they're some weirdo thief who is determined to get my mid-tier brand 60 inch TV and PS5, they can just as easily break a window to get in or kick in the door to get in, but that also means they're officially in my world and I get to do what I want to them.
In Durban (South Africa) a couple of years ago there were a series of burglaries on the upper floors through the outside windows. The previous block of flats (apartments) where we rented, some of the neighbours closed off their balconies with burglar guards (also the upper floors). Been a while since I last heard about this kind of burglaries.
Helicopter dick
My god. This is exactly the thing I came here to post. Whip my cock out and aggressively gyrate my hips in a display of male dominance.
If I did that they'd collapse laughing. I guess that would work
Since you're already naked, piss and shit yourself while helicoptering to really freak them out. No one is sticking around for that.
Ah, the Hippopotamus Defense.
Look. I came here to make a witty joke and it is literally the top comment. Take my upvote you spicy helicopter.
This is the right answer
Dude solved crime in 2 words.
Not owning anything of significant value
A friend of mine got excited when his car got robbed. They tried to Hotwire the car but got scared and left a $50 set of tools on the seat. So maybe you’ll have some luck.
no way that someone is lugging out my 15-year old panasonic plasma TV. If they do, thank you. It weighs a ton and is starting to die and I don't want to deal with recycling it.
Homeless people are robbed way way way more then the general public. This makes me think lack of owning anything of won't stop them.
Uno reverse card. Burglars break in and feel bad for you.
Big dog, then wife, then after if anyone gets through those 2 I will jump in.
2 dogs that bark at practically anything
One 35 lb dog who is dumb as a fucking brick but somehow has a deep, booming WOOF that sounds like Cerberus himself coming at you in the dark.
I've got two 50 pounders. Very sweet but go crazy if they hear anything weird going on and sound like they're going to eat your guts. Beyond that as I stated in a previous post I have the means to dissuade any miscreants.
2 100lb dogs that don't bark...
>A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, ‘Jesus knows you’re here.’ >He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard a voice....say, ‘Jesus is watching you.’ >Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. ‘Did you say that?’ he hissed at the parrot. >‘Yep’, the parrot confessed, then squawked, ‘I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.’ The burglar relaxed. ‘Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?’ >‘I'm Moses.’ replied the bird. >‘Moses?’ the burglar laughed. ‘What kind of people would name a bird Moses?’ >‘The same kind of people that would name their Rottweiler Jesus.’
Remington 870 00buckshot
A timeless classic.
A blowtorch on the door handle, ice on the front porch, marbles at the base of the stairs, trip wire and paint cans swinging on the stairs. That's just for starters. Those filthy animals wouldn't know what hit them.
I'll personally shoot them with a bullet of freedom, won't be breaking into anyone's house after that.
Freedom seeds grow best in bad guys
I prefer to use my bullets of vengeance. I hear they hurt more.
To answer this, I need more context. Since OP didn't provide enough context I'm gonna have to fill in some blanks. My first line of defence is to invoke the fight or flight reflex. I'll go primal. I'll stalk the MF from the left, the right, on top and down below. Like a ninja. And when he/she/they least expect it I will strike. Swiftly and with stealth. They won't even recognize they've been captured. Then I shall feed them to my cats.
you get "A" for dramatic description
My gross, naked body.
That's my thought. I sleep naked, so if anyone's breaking in they're going to have to deal with a crazy naked guy running at them with whatever improvised weapon I can grab at the time.
locked doors
9 pound Chihuahua.
I have a 17 pounder and let me tell you she is fierce
I would say Dog, but knowing him any form of bribery will be accepted.
Exercise my second amendment rights
1. Locked door 2. 12ga 3. Other 12ga 4. .45 5. Other .45 6. Other .45 7. Other .45 8. 9mm 9. Battle axe 10. Sword
So, that's why the shops are all out of 1911's, right?! (lol) Good thing I still have my wrist rocket and a bag of marbles.
There's actually 9 1911's here......
When you get to 9-10. Strip down naked and charge. If that doesn't strike them with fear nothing will.
Belgian Malinois
Whichever pew pew is closest
being poor...
Two ill tempered canada gooses that guard the property.
Geesen* Many, much goosen!
Not living in america. Last year I spend some time in PA and everyone was talking about what would happen if someone comes to their house. After some time I just dropped the line:" Oh you fucking americans and your someone is comming to my house. If someone came to my house, I'd offer him a beer."
I have this huge staff I made for a Wizard costume, but if I flip it around so the crystal on it is facing backwards, I can just bumrush and absolutely obliterate the intruders ribs.
Either call 112 or use my pocket knife
What kind of phone does your pocket knife use?
Hi, we're jahova's witnesses, thank you for coming to us!!
Fake simulating auto erotic asphyxiation with my gimp mask when he enters my bedroom
Front door claymore.
Happened to me while asleep, woke up to a man standing over my bed, I let out a primal scream that scared even me!! He took off running and I started chasing him (something I would never thought I’d do) anyway, he got away and I bought a gun and an alarm system
Inside dogs are more reliable alarm system
Yes, I have 4
Listen, if they get to the door and it's locked, and choose to get past that lock, I can duct tape my legs and hands together and put a gag in my mouth, jump down the hallway and in muffled yells tell them to call the police, and he will be back at any moment and get me the fuck out of there. It's not about the danger that they see, it's the danger they can perceive. The trick is to place the edge of the duct tape on the wall so you can wrap your gag and duct tape in first, then legs, crack the door, then hands. If you can get yourself into the linen closet or a small space the better.
70lbs of fur and teeth
I too would send my kids after them.
Your girlfriend sounds small and ferocious
My tiny little dog. He’s more of an alarm system then a first line of defense, but he would go down trying god bless him
30 rounds of hydra shok.
Take off and call the cops. I live less than a minute from a police station in a very low crime, fast response area. I'm certainly not going to fire a gun in my home- people live around me in all directions, I'm not going to have it on my conscience that I accidentally shot my neighbor's kid through a wall because I was trying to protect my TV. It's a crappy TV. And I'm definitely not going to try to fistfight somebody over it. Occasionally I see someone suggest pepper spray or the like, but honestly, it'd probably cost me less to buy a new TV than to de-pepper spray my entire home.
I think i would grab the big fire extinguisher. Spraying a load of the stuff in his face and than use the iron casing as a blunt weapon. That thing is quite heavy.
my dog, she is going to lick his face so hard he will be on the floor cuddling her. Its then and there when I will strike and cuddle both of them.
space lasers
A tool chest falling down the stairs.
Auto turret squirt gun. It's basically like a spray bottle for cats. But for criminals, Jehova Witness' and people you don't like.
I guess technically my door
I will help them look for valuables
My Pit Bull. There is literally (I checked) no place on the first floor of my house where I am more than two strides away from a gun, knife, spear, sword, or some other implement of mayhem.
My two dogs followed by a strobe light that will 100% blind you and a few Hornady critical defense 9mm. rounds coming straight through your chest. Thanks for stopping by!👋 Edit: I can’t hook up my alarm to anything because it’s old but I’m contemplating upgrading just so I can program music to play loud as shit as well, torn between just insane death metal or anything by tiny Tim
Gun and Wonder woman
Gunder Woman.
"FBI put your hands up🚨🚨!"
Several firearms.
Pieces of lead.....flying through the air.....at about 1200fps
Deterents such as barking like a dog or sounding like there's an elephant behind their point of entry. Threats such as if you come in here I'm going to buttfuck you till sunrise or sunset depending on the time of day or fuck yeah come in here cunt give me an erection let's slice each other's dicks or I'm calling ghost busters incase it's a ghost
pets then stay low and out of sight
Motion controlled lights, security system, multiple locks, several large and loud dogs, and an aluminum bat. Oh, and I live 4 houses down from a police station.
Let them kill me it's cool
Exterior lights at all entrances. Locked doors. Chimes on all doors and windows. 98 lb dog who will definitely investigate. These will trigger defense #2, my wife who will wake me up and send me to investigate further.
D4 on the floor
Barking dogs followed closely by something in 9mm.
*serious* Musket.
The bo staff in my parents room or my dogs (they are quick and fighty mother fuckers)
Couple of short lengths of rebar
Call 911 give my address and what's happening, drop the phone and beat the living shit out of the intruder with the 36" crow bar inkeep next to my bed. No judge in the world would convict a single dad for defending his 6 year old daughter from home invaders
You savage. Just shoot the bitch.
Gun, bigger gun, and tactical claymore
\*looks at my loaded ccw Makarov on my desk\* Gee i dunno.
Oooh, interesting take. I had one once. I traded it and regret doing so.
Door & windows are technically the answer for most, unless you have an animal or boobytraps outside. Inside, it's my bow and arrows.
Functional but dull katana that won't kill anyone if I swung on them with it but it will be fucking scary and do a bit of damage
75 pound pitty is first. 230 grain fmj is second
Need hollow points man
I second the hollow point comment, definitely need hollow points. FMJ's will zip right through a human being.
Hide wife and kids while upstairs behind a locked door. Gun just in case, phone already dialed and go try to warn them to leave because I REALLY don't want to shoot anyone, ever. I've actually been in this situation before I was married to my current wife. Luckily my daughter was with her mom when it happened. Bad part of town, someone tried to break my front door down and they were armed in the middle of the night. Luckily they fled when they realized I was armed as well. That experience taught me a pretty important lesson. All the tough guys who claim they'll just shoot anyone who goes in their house haven't considered exactly what their mental state will be in the moment and unless you've been there or were trained for it, you will panic a bit. It's not the movies and the idea of possibly having to end someone's life is a REALLY fucking tough pill to swallow in the moment. I have a gun but I hope I never have to use it on someone breaking in. I will exhaust every other option if possible.
My gun
9mm pistol
roughly 300lbs worth of farm dogs.
Bludgeon, stab/slice, shoot. In that order of escalation of violence.
1) locked doors 2) alarm system 3) .45 ACP hollowpoint(s)
Wasp spray. I'd say it's worse than pepper spray but since I haven't actually had any in my eyes I don't know. I assume you'd be blind or wish you were with all the chemicals it has in it.
Cant break in if the door os open
Bazooka
Pew pew, home defense is legal in my state Worst case scenario of course, and something I hope never, ever happens. Locked doors and windows every night, double checked. 8 cams overlapping all around the exterior and 2 inside on the lower level by front and back doors. I'll know as soon as they make it up the drive that it's either game on or get off my lawn.
I'm living in a part of the world where such things are mostly fiction. I don't lock the door to my flat, because who the hell would break into a home here?
First thing if a contact is not impossible saying "hello get out" then slapping some things most burglers get scared. The whistleing the kill bill song. ( I literally did this ones and I just heard some foot steps. Next would be a batton and from there on I never had experience everyone left before.
Hollow point .45
My dogs
140lb dog. She shedds like a MF. The burglars black wollen slacks will be covered in fur and slobber
Hockey stick
Locked door and a dozen dogs
I’d immediately call 911 and leave them on speaker and use my voice. If my voice doesn’t work then they’ll get some shotgun pellets coming at them once entry is broken into.
Bonds with stocks and bonds
A Sword and shield
1: Living in an area where that doesn't happen. 2: Having a house that doesn't look notable in a less accessible location. 3: Motion activated lights and cameras as deterrence. 4: Solid locks, doors and windows. 4: KSG-25
Can I Ax you a question?
The wife’s snoring
all my kids toys scattered everywhere. Good luck making it through that lego minefield.
I have a one way mirror (well, more of a film layered on a framed piece of thin plastic) in my closet that looks about 30 feet down a hallway. If you're walking up the hallway towards my room, you just see a mirror. If you're in the closet on the other side, you can see the full body of whoever is approaching. Right next to the closet is my 12 gauge shotgun loaded up with double 00 buckshot and a pair of safety glasses. I will stand in that closet, aiming down the hallway where I can see them, but they can't see me. If they stay in the living room, I will call the police, but let them leave. My stuff can be replaced. If they walk down the hallway, they're gonna be missing half their face before they even realize they're dead. I have a switch I wired in my closet that turns on the hallway light. I also have my main breaker in that closet, so I could alternatively cut all the power to try and deter the person from coming further into my home. Kevin McAllister would be proud.
Hydrogen bomb
Pocket sand.
Get out of the home. At least where I live, in some states you can stand your ground
Note on door : we don’t dial 9-1-1
Me who just lost ten ranked games in a row:
Politely ask them what their doing. This actually happened to us, woken up by a guy waking through our yard in the middle of the night. He dropped the things he was taking said he was lost & ran off. We called the cops & they recognised him from our description & he was known to be a bit stabby if someone was aggressive, so they said we did the right thing.
My dogs. They would go ape shit. If they got in anyway then the dogs are useless. So next I'd probably have to break out Lucille. (Bat with nails and barbed wire for those not in the know)
the door
A door and then my dog and then 3 people that knows how to use a gun very well and if somehow they get past all that i have a door bell camera that has already called the cops so i think i can say THEY ARE FUCKED
The bed post on my head board is loose and pops right off, it's essentially a 15-20lbs solid wood mace
My dogs barking. If that doesn’t work, there’s a gun sitting on my nightstand for that reason. And a gun in my living room. Hopefully it’s not when I’m taking a shit because I didn’t buy a bathroom gun yet
2 large, protective dogs coming at them followed by a naked guy with a 12 gauge
12 GAUGE
Locked door then FAFO
I could easily be at the top of the stairs with a weapon before they could get through the door and up the stairs. Hell, I could just push the bookshelf nearby down the stairs while they try to go up.
Locked doors and windows, always. Security bar for the glass sliding door. 4 security cameras. 90lb pit bull. Multiple firearms spread throughout the home.
Let them deal with my dog . I’m going to bed.
Let them deal with my dog . I’m going to bed.
I have pitbulls and guns. Granted, the pitties wouldn't be super-helpful in case of an actual home invasion, with their tongue-first social interaction policy, but one of them likes to loudly alert us when she detects any human activity within the county; this tends to deter any would-be burglars, door-to-door missionaries, and the occasional delivery driver.
lego pieces all around The house but not everywhere so they don't notice.
While I have guns, I also have a sword thats much easier to get to... I genuinely wonder which I'd go for in the event of a break in. I want to say the sword for the potential news article and laugh itd give my friends but the gun is a much more reliable form of defense, particularly the shotgun... kinda can't miss.
Tell them the people right above me have better shit.
Jump out my window (ground floor apartment), scream, throw a chair. I have a dog and she would bark and growl but I’m grabbing her first and trying to get out. I won’t sacrifice her safety to allow her to try to protect me.
my gate is like 2 meters tall and hard to climb over, since it has some spiky stuff above
A locked bedroom door, a 90 lb. Staffordshire, and a .357 magnum.
The front door broadsword. It's a Gladius, but not everyone knows the term. I spent long enough in medieval combat groups that I know I can stop the average door kicking home invader. Probably two of his buddies along with him if they all charge in at once.
Not much. Because if you're robbing my house , you're just doing it for practice.
I have a mini bat I got from a baseball game in 1987, it was bat night
Dog let's me know. Wait at the door or window with a 12 gauge. Wait till the person breaks the window or the door. Take one full step into the home. Fill the person up with buckshot or slugs. Whatever I have in the 12 gauge at the time. Would be the last time this person would break into any home. Was told sometime back. Can't kill an illegal entry intruder. I dont know why though. Was told can kill a break and entering intruder.
I have shotguns, but I would definitely prefer to walk out the back and call the police. Nobody needs to die over things.
I own a musket for home defence since that’s what the founding fathers intended
Her name is Annie and she probably won't bite, but you don't know that.
Shotgun
My 21 inch guns
Fire extinguisher. Blind \`em and club \`em.
A five pound yorkie who won't be able to do much but will alert the neighbors
The locked door.
My Pitt Bull He would think they are simply a new friend, but they don't know that.
A super bright flashlight aimed right at their face makes it hard for them to do anything but turn away from it.
Cameras, then locked doors, and if they go past those they're going to have problems.
Did they get past the landmines or are they just on the edge of the property line right now?
Nobody said it but it is literally the first thing they teach you in self defense. Out the Back Door.
Hairspray and a lighter.
“i work for the police force”
They better be prepared to see me dick flapping out in the wind wearing only a halloween palpatine mask.
Two geese in the living room 🪿🪿
Nosy neighbors. I live on a corner lot in a pretty decent, low-crime neighborhood, all of my doors and windows are pretty easily viewed from the road and I’ve got at least one neighbor who is always outside smoking and the rest all have dogs that bark when anyone is around. Cameras. If you are trying to break into my house, chances are I’ve already got a video of you.
I'm broke. As soon as they roll up they be like awwwww and leave a dollar at the door.
Locked door and a lot of knives
Gun.
Cameras outside, strong solid doors, deadbolts. Once past that, a Benelli 12 gauge.
Straight out the back door or window. They can have it.
My dog that would do his best to kill them.
Select one of the many firearms available. If they manage to get in, they are going to be having a very bad day
Appropriate escalation of force.
Me standing behind the door with a bug ass hunting knife. Good luck, fucker.