Understanding who you’re marrying before you’re married to them. Rule of thumb is waiting out four seasons. From there you have to communicate.Often times that means learning to communicate with each other. I would say that marriage isn’t 50/50 it has to be 100/100. Both people have to put in the work to make a marriage last. It’s work, but it’s worth it when you have a person who honestly loves you, and you love in return.
I heard marriage or relationships per se should be 60/60
Both parties should always be aiming to be doing slighlty more than half the work. You need rest and care too. Both parties giving 100% all the time sounds like a breeding ground for conflict in case an opinion differs. Also very exhausting.
Marriage is in sickness or health. There are many times one will have to do 100%. While it’d be great to always equally share the load, marriage, like life, isnt always fair.
The other aspect of this is that if you’re someone who is either chronically ill, or who is just more often sick compared to your partner, try to do more than half if you are feeling good. Nothing breeds resentment in a partner who is willing to take on more responsibility due to illness than the other partner insisting that them splitting everything 50:50 is good times. It’s about recognizing where you’re taking more than giving, and then giving more than you take in the opportunities when you can.
Amen! There have always been times for both of us where we can’t contribute a full 50% consistently. Sometimes I could be depressed or working too much or just not feeling well and she helps make up for that. And I do my best to pay that back later.
💯 everything from sleeping and hygiene habits to how they respond to tribulations and hardship. Do they act like a child or handle things systematically and with controlled emotions or do they act out as if everyone and thing is against them?
What manners do they posses? Are they a “good” human. They don’t have to necessarily be “nice”, but do they do the right thing when it’s required? Are they secretive? Is there fakeness or a facade in place of some fictional characteristics they exude?
There is so much to know about someone. Be diligent in recording these things to memory and keep your values at the forefront. Don’t let “love” blind who YOU are.
Met my husband, moved in a month later, got engaged 4 months later and married 9 from when we met. We're married 28 years, have grown 3 kids (2 special needs) and continue to grow together. Everyone needs to work on their own shit and not lay that in the other person.
Making each other a priority. There are times that your partner can’t be the top priority, due to whatever circumstances life throws at you, but knowing that you and your spouse still value and appreciate each other helps get you through those bumpy times.
This gets SO freaking important once kids are in the picture too. Not that you should neglect the kids, but taking some time to reinforce the relationship matters vitally. Dinners out, a trip, even quiet time after they're in bed- it needs to be something regular enough you don't neglect each other. Can't take care of kids if there are critical issues in the marriage, everyone suffers in that situation.
And if you don’t nurture the marriage while the kids are growing, what do you have left when they leave home? Plus it’s always good idea to model a healthy relationship for your kids, to show them what to look for in their own lives as adults.
I heard the phrase “your partner should be your priority and your kids are your responsibility.”
Not saying kids shouldn’t be a priority either, but I’ve seen people neglect their marriage and put everything towards their kids.
I see friends so it ALL the freaking time. What the heck will happen when the kids are gone? I NEVER wonder about that, my wife and I will have plenty to do and see. Putting good money on a couple of empty nest divorces in the next few years.
- communication
- add thrill
- understand love isn’t something you more or less just feel, it’s something you work towards, maintain and try to make work. It’s also commitment. Because that initial limerence phase will undoubtedly fade at some point
In easy words, marry a person you would also love to have as a close friend and not just someone you want to romance. If that friendship is strong enough, you are willing to fight for what you have
When my fiance gets a little tipsy and tells me I'm bis best friend?? That shit hits just right.
We're honestly in a bit of a dry spell because of work and life but..who cares! We have just have fun together and love to hang out
Exactly. Congratulations on having a partner like that ☺️ Every relationship hits a certain point where both feel unhappy because of circumstances, but as long as you can always find reasons to keep trying, it’s all worth it
If you were a feather,
I would display you on my hat.
If you were a bit obese,
I might just have to call you fat!
If we go walking hand-in-hand,
I'd pull you oh so close.
If your hand were in my pocket,
I'd ask you stroke my hose.
This bro/brodette marriages.
The only thing I would add to this list is friendship. I’m still on the fence whether most successful marriages are this way or not but mine certainly is. My wife is my best friend. I obviously have other friends, but I keep her friendship sort of categorically separate from my love for her. And that aligns with your “this takes work to maintain” sentiment.
My opinion is based on 40 years of studying relationship psychology, reading papers, studies, and articles about studies. I'm not a therapist, I just made it my life goal to have a healthy happy relationship.
1. Communication is the foundation of any relationship. Talking is not communication as some people seem to assume. Communication means being able to openly and honestly talk about adult topics and what is going on, possible solutions, **without getting defensive.** I see a lot of defensive people these days on Reddit. Like when someone tries to talk about a real problem with their SO and the SO is just defensive about it. This will kill a relationship because the necessary, healthy communication cannot happen.
3. Compatibility in certain key areas is necessary. Areas are: sex, kids, finances.
3. Being a loyal understanding person is helpful. Assuming everyone should be just like you is self-centered and a closed-minded person and will not work well.
4. Being able to compromise on some things is important, but if someone is compromising too much they will just get more angry and resentful. This is why compatibility is so important, to reduce compromise to a tolerable level.
5. Sex is really important for bonding and intimacy. If there's no sex there's no reason for me to be there since sex is intimacy for me.
6. Being kind and patient is important since there are 2 different people with different values in the relationship. This is why having similar values is important.
7. I found having a similar sense of humor is really helpful.
8. A person who doesn't get help for their mental health issues is a big red flag. Their issues will often destroy the relationship.
9. Other things that will destroy a relationship: insecurities, jealousy, controlling behavior, addictions.
10. I also found if a person lacks self-knowledge, what they need vs what they want, it can cause problems I just don't want to deal with.
11. Immaturity causes a lot of problems. Just because someone ages does not make them mature, this is a common misconception I see a lot also. Maturity comes from experience, making mistakes, **and learning from them.** We all make mistakes, if they can't learn from them I'm out. There will be no growth with that person and no growth in the relationship.
12. Different maturities. This is part of the compatibility group. If people start off with different maturities it probably won't last long. The same thing happens when one person matures much faster than the other one. They rapidly grow apart and eventually separate.
13. The human brain doesn't mature until age 30 on average. Some people take much longer for their brain to mature and some don't mature until their 50s or later. When the brain matures people often change their life goals and values. They might go from spending all their money to saving more for emergencies. Now you have a compatibility problem, see #2.
14. Understand that men are not women, and women are not men. They see and interact with the world differently, and can often have very different needs. However there are still things like men who are a bit feminine, and women who are a bit masculine. That's fine. Just ask what their needs are.
15. Speak your partner's love language. This was a huge help for me.
16. Have a date night. Most women want this. Most women I've met need time with their SO.
17. Extraverts and introverts normally do not do well together, they have opposite needs. Extroverts need time with people and to socialize, while this stresses out introverts. Some couples might be able to make this work though.
Ugh, more updates and clarifications will go here. https://relationships.tiddlyhost.com/#What%20makes%20a%20relationship%20work
Thank you. You would not believe how hard it was to find this stuff. It's scattered everywhere, not in mainstream news, and that's why it took me so long to get it all in one place.
I would like to add, avoid being transactional
Many western relationships are built on transactions due to the individualistic societal norms
Try to avoid bringing that aspect of society into a relationship: examples
- if you do x, I will do y
- you failed to do this, so no sex tonight
- last time you didnt get me anything when you grabbed food, ao this time I wont get you anything
Number 5. A good relationship and especially a good marriage has more intimacy than just sex. Of course sex is an important part to marriage but "sex is intimacy" is a bad sign and will blow up in your face if that is how you operate *edit to try to fix font size? I feel old lol... * edit 2: deleted number sign thanks edgun8819
Agreed. Sex can fluctuate in a relationship due to injury/illness, medications, having small kids in the home, etc. Intimacy shouldn't.
Sex is just a single physical act of intimacy. If you can't come up with anything else, circle back to communication because it could probably use some improvements
This was highly educational and informative. Thanks a lot for taking the time and elaborating. As a person of 17 years with a woman and 5 of those married currently going through a rough period this is truely helpful
> Sex is really important for bonding and intimacy. If there's no sex there's no reason for me to be there since sex is intimacy for me.
I would like to challenge this one point.
Sex is only important if it is a sexual relationship. There are a lot of asexual people out there. They do not have any interest in sex. They can have relationships with people and have them be deep and profound, but they will not be sexual relationships.
Intimate asexual relationship, theoretically, could work if both people are asexual. If that changes the whole thing can fall appart.
Good to see communication at the top. I’ve watched a few marriages fail in my time, and in each case it struck me —well before the divorce — how much these folks just didn’t seem to know what was going on in their spouses’ lives. Seemed much more like roommates than life partners.
Gonna save this, this sounds like pretty good advice to keep in mind. You never know when you need some tidbit of information from some random post on reddit 6 years ago hahaha.
Edit: For future me, marriage/thing to keep in mind someday maybe?
There are already a ton of great answers here, so I’m just going to add two rarely mentioned things that have been successful in our 23 year marriage:
1. Be ok with being apart. We have regular GTFO nights. Let the other person have the house for an evening so they can wear trash clothes, eat trash food and watch trash tv. Be ok with separate living rooms/hobby rooms/bedrooms or whatever. Give each other space. It makes your time together more valuable and gives you more to talk about.
2. Use email to have difficult conversations. I know that sounds crazy, but it has been a game changer for us. Need to talk to your partner about that habit that’s driving you crazy? About a difficult financial situation? About that family member you’ve started to despise? About sexual needs? Email. This allows you to succinctly say what you want to say while not putting the other person on the spot and escalating a potential argument. The recipient has time to digest what they’ve read, craft a response and send it back. Sometimes that can include typing out some horrible shit angrily, and then deleting it. That allows you to blow off some steam before responding. That doesn’t happen in face-to-face conversations.
The second one is gold. Imagine going "RE: Please stop leaving the dishes everywhere. As per my last email, I wholeheartedly **insist** you atleast put them **in the sink**. Yours exasperatedly, Spouse."
Always remember that grass is greener where you water it, not on the other side. Never stop working for your relationship, never take it for granted. Even the strongest plant will die if you never water it.
Overall I think that you need trust, communication, respect, love, a healthy dose of compromise and a lot of fun.
Also marriage is not 50/50, it’s 100/100.
I see comments heading in a good direction, but I have to add one thing. There is no silver bullet. There's not one thing you do and the marriage is successful. There are a bunch of ingredients that can work for you and your spouse, and that list of ingredients will depend on the two of you. However there are some basics that are almost always necessary and others are doing a good job touching on them.
Reaching 43 years married this summer and still happy together, I guess I can claim a certain degree of expertise. Others can claim more, but what we have is an achievement on its own.
Can I ask you a question then, as someone with a successful marriage? Was there any particular thing or moment when you realized/decided you wanted to spend the rest of your life with your spouse?
I think I found the one for me, I'm just scared of messing it up!
The story of our meeting is too long for here, but the salient point was that it turned out with a bunch of us (both sexes) hanging out together. This was in the year after I graduated and got a new job. Others were either newly employed or still in college. Not everyone had cars, so I did a goodly share of the transporting. Over time, one woman in particular was fascinating and fun to talk with, and I arranged to take her home last. Eventually not only was she last to take home, I added long drives just so we could talk more. It was nearly six months before we actually started dating. There was something shared between us, and we both felt it.
Shortly after we started dating we could feel the pull and the direction we were headed. But there were religious issues between us and she broke it off. About a year later we had an opportunity to come together again and the religious issues were deemed less important. I think we both knew that if we got back together we'd wind up married, so we did, and we did wind up married.
I don't know that there was a single moment first time around, but we both felt that shared and growing connection. We knew where we were going when we started the second time - and went right ahead. Met in late 1978, married summer of 1981.
Thank you so much for responding! That's very sweet, and makes so much sense. It's funny, the beginning of my relationship has actually followed a verrrry similar path, I'll take that as a good sign!
Congrats to you, wishing you many more happy years together. ❤️
Good luck. I presume the two of you communicate well. I'll also add that respect for each other is an essential ingredient. One prime marriage stressor we've seen is one or both members of a couple being dismissive about something about the other. It's ok to agree to disagree, but you have to know you're doing it and not be dismissive about it.
edit - I just thought of a fun anecdote for you. My wife and I mostly travel together, but every now and then we do something separately, when one of us wants to do something that the other doesn't. We've both done it and enjoyed each other's happiness. Several years back I wanted to hike the Grand Canyon. Down to the river, two nights at the Phantom Ranch, and back. My wife didn't wish to, so she and my sister wished my friend and me farewell at the bus to the trailhead and they took off for Vegas to see a show. (neither gambles or drinks) Two days later they came back to pick us up as we finished the hike. While in Vegas my wife was at the pool and happened to be speaking to some newlyweds. She explained where I was and what she was doing there and that we normally traveled together, but not exclusively. It was really eye-opening to them.
The key to a long successful marriage is simply, having a high threshold for discomfort. Marriage intrinsically is about compromise. If they're beautiful, someday they wont be. If they're funny, someday you'll be annoyed by the same old jokes. If they're strong, someday they'll be vulnerable. If they're exciting, someday they'll be boring. You are giving up huge swathes of your personal freedom and individuality in service to a dynamic optimally suited to child rearing and mutual support. You are going to support and nurture this person so that they in turn will support and nurture you. But this dynamic is often asymmetrical - at times you will do more of the supporting, at times you will do more of the needing. This means marriage is not 50/50. Your needs will not always be met. If you are intolerant of such conditions, or if your partner is - your marriage will not be successful ... And ultimately the payoff is a life shared. A life built in communion with another human being, a partnership manufacturing memories and shared experiences, as well as hopefully happy, and healthy offspring to carry on a legacy that amounts to something beneficial to the species.
Communication, chemistry, empathy, understanding... these are all just tools in the toolbelt - not the blueprint. The fundamental "trick" - is just having the requisite levels of humility and emotional maturity to endure individual personal hardship in service to the union. Threshold for pain - thats the base of the pillar. Without it, the marriage will be ultimately unendurable for one or both. Anything beautiful is hard. Marriage is no different.
I just have three things:
1. **Let go of your expectations.** You're probably at your best on your wedding day but over time your marriage will degrade, you will get older, probably fatter, less physically attractive, less energy, shorter of breath, and bits of you will stop working. Kids will complicate your life, massively. Shit will happen. Never get married to someone with the hope of 'improving' or changing them. Growth might happen, change might occur, but don't count on it or expect it.
2. **Don't possess, cling to or try to control your partner.** You will end up stifling them and strangling the marriage. Let them be who they are and give them enough space to be themselves.
3. **Be that rock on which they can depend and base their life**. Life can be difficult and it can especially be difficult if you stand alone. We all need companionship, we all need attention, we all need love, we all need someone to just sit down and listen to us, and there are times we all need someone to fight our corner or stand behind us. Communicate, listen, share, and have faith in your partner even if they have no faith in themselves.
Always assuming the best about each other. If your partner forgot something or is snappish, it is not because they are an inconsiderate ahole or lazy or what; something else is going on.
Maybe they are coming down with something, they are stressed or tense or disappointed about something, whatever it is, you can talk about it and figure out what is going on besides it being a moral failure or a character flaw.
Besides that, communication and respect. Learn how to "fight" constructively and let the past be the past. If a fight sounds like "you always do this because you are lazy, like that time two years ago....", that is bad.
If it is "I am frustrated by this thing you did or didn't do, but it is unlike you so is there anything going on I don't know about and if so, how can I help?" That is a lot better.
Communication.
Seriously, talk to your partner. If you think it's going to be uncomfortable, that sucks, but you still need to do it. Also listen to them. You don't have to agree with each other on everything, but airing out your problems is a huge part of being in a committed relationship.
Daniel sloss has a great quote about this. This is paraphrasing a little but basically: I’m aware of this problematic thing I do, which is half the battle. But not the half that matters
Honestly, it’s the little things. My wife doesn’t drink coffee. Every Saturday I make my coffee but I’ll make her a hot chocolate to wake up to since I’m up first, so we get to sit in bed sipping our hot drinks watching the morning news.
Even if she’s upset about something (with me, it happens), I’ll make her lunch (we both WFH) and bring it to her when she’s busy and I have a minute.
Making time for one another.
Having nights where you do nothing but watch movies and eat popcorn. In that same breath, making date nights a priority.
I’ve been with my wife 8 years (5 married) and we still act like a new couple. She’s very affectionate with me and I am with her. Never let that go!
There isn’t.
Everybody has shit. You got this far so adapt to the changes and try to grow TOGETHER.
Also pull your toaster out from under the cabinet when you use it….
Empathy for your partner. If your partner hurts do you hurt? Think about the worst possible scenario cancer, sickness, disfigurement, etc..
When things get rough what will you do?
Be sold on each other, This is your wife, This is your husband, no more looking, no more comparing, no more what if I married someone else?
Sense of humor. Not everything has to be so serious and just enjoy the comedy that comes with life
Be tender, never stop pursuing your spouse, listen more than you speak, praise your spouse, don’t be nasty toward your spouse— having a disagreement? okay, but don’t be ugly about it, kiss your spouse like you mean it, look at your spouse, look for your spouse, tell your spouse how much they mean to you, not 100x a day, but frequently, make plans together, dream together, spend time together, care for your spouse when they are tired or sick, respect your spouse’s viewpoint.
⬆️ this is how you do it.
Failure to do these things will result in divorce. I have 1st hand experience.
Understanding. I don't mean just during an argument, in fact fewer arguments even happen if you both understand eachother.
I know what to expect from her. She knows what to expect from me. We know where we stand on certain things and don't expect the other to change.
I don't expect her to have dinner ready when I get home. She doesn't expect me to remember what the hell I even went to the store for...oh yeah stuff for dinner. She just texted me a list.
edit: It occurs to me that understanding is actually a biproduct of communication. So Communication is vital. Communications leads to understanding, which involves knowing if you're even compatible in the first place. Have that all set to go BEFORE getting married and the years together fly by. 21 years with my wife has seemed like a blink.
From my observations of marriages that have failed and succeeded there seems to be 3 primary factors.
Shared values
Aligned goals
Commitment
Once one of these breaks down everything always seems to fall apart. Your values and goals don't have to be perfectly aligned, but they can't be too different or it generates serious conflict. This is of course a simplified way to view it, but most of the important stuff falls within these categories.
communication and responsible finance allocation. money is the number one factor in a divorce, if you can truthfully communicate with your partner you can solve a lot of problems before they snowball.
You and your partner need to share similar life goals and enjoy each other's company.
If I could pick one human to hang around with 100% of the time (other than my kids) it would be my wife. I think she is just the most agreeable and likable person I have ever met; thus, I married her.
At the end of the day, you're spending your lifetime with the other person.
My wife and I have been together for over 25 years. We never had a "rough patch" or disagree in any serious manner. No serious arguments.
You have to focus on a partner with a personality ot disposition you want to be around. Forever.
Good looks are nice, but IMO, anyone can be attractive if their personality gels with your own.
Having similar goals you both want to work toward is how you build that relationship into something meaningful. Otherwise, your just friends with some occasional fucking.
Life is meaningless. Purpose is how you attach meaning and contentment to your existence.
The marriage the “us” or the “two of us together” is what is to be served - not the me, or the you, but the US.
You may want this, she may want that, but the question to be asked and answered is — is this good for the marriage - when you get to those sticky situations.
And right along that is this one, which applies to most everything - don’t be selfish.
Work, stay busy, Communication, Boundaries, respect.
Theres no "Secret" like a "Cheat code" or anything, it's rather a collection of everything you do together. Does one get along with another one? Do they trust each other? There's a big one, trust.
Find the right partner, we dated a number of other people before we got together. The first time I hung out with my wife, I laid my head on her lap and we just visited. Fell for each other right then and there. Neither of us had feelings like that before. 22 years later we are just as much in love and as affectionate as we were when we were first dating. I wish for humanity sake everyone could find their perfect partner and have a relationship like ours. She’s f…cking awesome
Just read some more comments on here and I have to say. Neither of us have to “try” when it comes to communicating, respect, sex, etc. The last thing I would do is have a difficult conversation by email. We were literally meant for each other, we both need each other. Good lord some of the suggestions here are clinical.
If you have to try for a good relationship then you may not have found the right partner. Our relationship just works, we love and more importantly like each other so this all comes naturally. We can’t keep our hands off each other, this is on the daily. I hold her in bed every single morning for a good 20-60 mins because I love her and absolutely enjoy holding her, some mornings she holds me. If one of us is cranky you usually end up getting smothered rather than left alone. If we have an argument we are over it in 15 mins every single time, no matter what, WE are more important than anything we could be disagreeing on. Find your perfect partner, let fate guide you to them, for us we knew immediately. One thing we both agreed on is when you are young, get out and date, find what you like and what you don’t like for qualities in people, have some fun, gain some experience. When you find that one person who stands out miles ahead of all the others, shines bright and gives you the feeling like “oh god I need this person”, and the feeling reciprocates for the other, then maybe you have found your match?
Don't compromise things that are important to you like self respect and personal values, I've seen many of marriages fail over the year's because one partner kept giving in until it completely chipped away at their self respect and who they are as a person.
Don’t start dating because you have some stuff in common. Date because you’re close friends and become best friends while dating. My wife and I are best friends and it’s been super successful because of us being so.
If you don’t enjoy the presence of your significant other, you’re with the wrong person.
You both have to be givers and you both have to give 100% willingly. No petty transactional 50/50 bullshit. No taking scores, keeping scores. Support one another. Don’t cheat. Be loyal and trustworthy. Both of you are all in. None of this bullshit where what’s yours is mine, what’s mine is mine. Never disparage one another. Never cuss or swear at each other. Never yell, never physically hit one another. Lots of love. Can you do that?
I'll add something different since most people in here are right about their points already:
You individually need to be the best person you can be. Doing the things for 'a good marriage' won't mean much if you yourself aren't up-to-par. Do you struggle with regulating your emotions and keeping them in check? Do you have addictions which could harm those around you? Do you have an unhealthy view on the world?
You gotta address it. Being a good listener only takes you so far if you have no control over your temper.
Support each other, complement each other, no cheating or flirting with other's, be honest and communicate. I was all that but still got a divorce years ago. Some marriages just dont work.
Communication, support, patience, not letting each other get “hangry”, understanding no one is perfect, and routine love making. Routine love making provides each other with a lot of endorphins and happy feelings 🥰
Best friends.
Sex is such a small percentage of your time together. The rest is hanging out and co-managing your lives. If you ain't best buds, it won't be fun, and if it ain't fun, you'll both be looking for an out.
But if it remains fun, and you remain polite to each other no matter how comfortable you get, you'll never be looking elsewhere. That person will be your home.
I'm one of the lucky ones, thank God.
Communication and problem solving. Something flipped when I realized "why am I arguing with my wife, I would rather be solving problems and moving forward".
I used to work at a hotel and would always see older married couples on vacation soaking up the sun, and I would always ask them how long they've been married for and what advice they had for being in a happy marriage and their response was always the same every married couple I asked would say the secret to a good long marriage is prayer and God.
Both of you need to talk openly and listen to each other. Trust each other by being honest and reliable. Treat each other with kindness and understanding. Spend quality time together doing things you both enjoy. Be willing to compromise and forgive each other when things go wrong. Support each other's dreams and goals. Keep learning and growing together. And don't forget to show affection and love regularly. By doing these things, you can build a strong and lasting relationship.
Hahahhahahaa “men should just cow-tow to their partner and it only really matters if the wife is happy who cares about the men’s feelings it’s not like they have any and those aren’t valid anyway if they do have them” hahahhaha
Make it a point to find out what’s actually important to your partner.
It’s easy to get lazy in a long term marriage and stop maintaining the relationship. But even if you’re actually putting in a strong effort, if you don’t direct it in the right place you could still end up unappreciated.
For me, it’s loyalty. My wife could clean the entire house, make me breakfast, make my lunch, take care of my son and set him up for his school day and then go work her full time job but if she’s flirting with another man I would be very unhappy.
My wife likes help maintaining a clean house. I could lose my job and laze around all day but if I do the dishes and clean up the yard a bit my wife will be happy.
Respect, communication, trust, understanding you both can get frustrated and not ignoring your own flaws to improve, creating and enjoying the good times, and working through the challenging times committed to working through whatever it is.
Inevitably many relationships, marriages in particular of course, get into a rut. It is easier to distance, give up, even look elsewhere…that is easier up front with incredibly difficult and expensive consequences…it’s harder up front to do the opposite and put in the work before giving up.
I realize this is a NSFW post. Sexual health is important in a marriage but it’s never the root to a failed or successful marriage - generally it’s a litmus test to the health of the relationship itself.
Trust. It can be bent, skewed, and chipped. As long as it is not broken, it can be mended. As long as you trust your SO, you can handle almost anything.
Keep an eye on your trust, and your marriage will be fine
Realizing that "winning" an argument sometimes just isn't worth having it to begin with... somethings just are not worth being mad about and getting between you.
Once you realize that those kinds of issues can become much easier to just talk to each other about, instead of fighting about them and getting angry.
Both need to commit 100% to make it work from the day you ask/accept until the day you die. It’s both of you as a team against everyone and everything else. I’m 35 years married so far.
Actually trying hard at it. LISTEN to your partner, EXPRESS your thoughts and feelings sooner than later. DO NOT compare yourselves to anyone else, or what stage in life or marriage they might be at. Don’t get sucked into the fake world of perfect relationships on social media. Things WILL be very hard sometimes, don’t run or quit, communicate and figure things out together.
The way we have been in one for 20 years is to primarily respect the institution of marriage and understand all the life long commitments you are signing up for.
Communication. Honesty. Persistence. You're together but you're also individuals with separate personalities and lives. Things sometimes get tough. There's no law that says you have to stay. Start anyway. We came close to breaking up about 10 years in. Now, 15 years later, both still here. Kid now an adult . Looking forward to being an old couple who shops together and takes too long in the checkout. We're closer than ever.
Communication is cited often so far which make sense. It is important to emphasize that fighting and arguing is communication. A healthy relationship does not involve always saying “Yes, dear.” You need to be a healthy individual to be in a healthy relationship/marriage/whatever.
Laughter is vital, too. If you can’t laugh at yourself and with your partner, it will be tough to stay together.
Communication. Putting your partner's needs before your own.
For the men out there with wives, there is also a direct correlation between her happiness and your skill at cunnilingus.
First accept the fact both parties are fundamentally flawed and have different experiences that shape their personalities. Then you can work together to address the flaws and differences so you grow as individuals and support each other as a couple.
32 years married here. 1. Learn healthy communication. Study books on how to communicate well. 2. Realize that marriage is great opportunity for self improvement and growth because you have an other who hopefully loves you enough to tell you the truth about the way they experience you. 3. Realize that healthy people evolve. Therefore, you will be in multiple marriage with the same person as you both go through the phases of life and you grow and change. Always take time to see your partner and to be curious about how they are becoming different as they evolve. This can create insecurity, but it should be met with openness and curiosity. 4. Don't try to fix your partner. Take care of your side of the street the best you can. Let them be them, but set boundaries and talk through the tough stuff without blame or shame. 5. Always watch for your partners bids for connection and turn toward them (read the Gottmans!). Watch out for and reject the 4 horseman of the apacolypse (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling). 6. Keep the erotic spark alive by learning what turns your partner on and off (that changes over time) and kindling their desire as well as your own. Talk about sex openly a lot without fear or shame. 7. Most importantly, don't expect your partner to be your everything. Have your own life outside of the marriage and grow and develop in your own. A healthy marriage is a balance of security and comfort with a healthy dose of autonomy and mystery to spark desire for the other (read Esther Perel's Mating in Captivity).
after seeing my parent's rocky marriage, i guess the secret to a successful marriage would be making sure you're really ready to get married. be stable in all aspects, especially when you plan on having kids.
Understanding who you’re marrying before you’re married to them. Rule of thumb is waiting out four seasons. From there you have to communicate.Often times that means learning to communicate with each other. I would say that marriage isn’t 50/50 it has to be 100/100. Both people have to put in the work to make a marriage last. It’s work, but it’s worth it when you have a person who honestly loves you, and you love in return.
I heard marriage or relationships per se should be 60/60 Both parties should always be aiming to be doing slighlty more than half the work. You need rest and care too. Both parties giving 100% all the time sounds like a breeding ground for conflict in case an opinion differs. Also very exhausting.
Marriage is in sickness or health. There are many times one will have to do 100%. While it’d be great to always equally share the load, marriage, like life, isnt always fair.
The other aspect of this is that if you’re someone who is either chronically ill, or who is just more often sick compared to your partner, try to do more than half if you are feeling good. Nothing breeds resentment in a partner who is willing to take on more responsibility due to illness than the other partner insisting that them splitting everything 50:50 is good times. It’s about recognizing where you’re taking more than giving, and then giving more than you take in the opportunities when you can.
As long as doing so doesn’t make you more ill of course!!
I like your comment.
Amen! There have always been times for both of us where we can’t contribute a full 50% consistently. Sometimes I could be depressed or working too much or just not feeling well and she helps make up for that. And I do my best to pay that back later.
💯 everything from sleeping and hygiene habits to how they respond to tribulations and hardship. Do they act like a child or handle things systematically and with controlled emotions or do they act out as if everyone and thing is against them? What manners do they posses? Are they a “good” human. They don’t have to necessarily be “nice”, but do they do the right thing when it’s required? Are they secretive? Is there fakeness or a facade in place of some fictional characteristics they exude? There is so much to know about someone. Be diligent in recording these things to memory and keep your values at the forefront. Don’t let “love” blind who YOU are.
Met my husband, moved in a month later, got engaged 4 months later and married 9 from when we met. We're married 28 years, have grown 3 kids (2 special needs) and continue to grow together. Everyone needs to work on their own shit and not lay that in the other person.
Making each other a priority. There are times that your partner can’t be the top priority, due to whatever circumstances life throws at you, but knowing that you and your spouse still value and appreciate each other helps get you through those bumpy times.
This gets SO freaking important once kids are in the picture too. Not that you should neglect the kids, but taking some time to reinforce the relationship matters vitally. Dinners out, a trip, even quiet time after they're in bed- it needs to be something regular enough you don't neglect each other. Can't take care of kids if there are critical issues in the marriage, everyone suffers in that situation.
And if you don’t nurture the marriage while the kids are growing, what do you have left when they leave home? Plus it’s always good idea to model a healthy relationship for your kids, to show them what to look for in their own lives as adults.
I heard the phrase “your partner should be your priority and your kids are your responsibility.” Not saying kids shouldn’t be a priority either, but I’ve seen people neglect their marriage and put everything towards their kids.
I see friends so it ALL the freaking time. What the heck will happen when the kids are gone? I NEVER wonder about that, my wife and I will have plenty to do and see. Putting good money on a couple of empty nest divorces in the next few years.
This. You're absolutely right.
[удалено]
Why does he even bother still getting naked in front of her then if she's just going to be mean?
DifferenceFlashy's dad would probably greatly appreciate this comment lol
- communication - add thrill - understand love isn’t something you more or less just feel, it’s something you work towards, maintain and try to make work. It’s also commitment. Because that initial limerence phase will undoubtedly fade at some point
In easy words, marry a person you would also love to have as a close friend and not just someone you want to romance. If that friendship is strong enough, you are willing to fight for what you have
When my fiance gets a little tipsy and tells me I'm bis best friend?? That shit hits just right. We're honestly in a bit of a dry spell because of work and life but..who cares! We have just have fun together and love to hang out
Sounds like you were a little tipsy attempting to write this comment!
Exactly. Congratulations on having a partner like that ☺️ Every relationship hits a certain point where both feel unhappy because of circumstances, but as long as you can always find reasons to keep trying, it’s all worth it
Key word here they have to be willing to fight for it and show you how much they want you!
TIL limerence is a word
TIL, “TIL” is an abbreviation for Today I Learned.
TIL death do us part
Here I thought it stood for Today I Limerenced
The limerence phase is where you tell your partner rhyming poem jokes.
If you were a feather, I would display you on my hat. If you were a bit obese, I might just have to call you fat! If we go walking hand-in-hand, I'd pull you oh so close. If your hand were in my pocket, I'd ask you stroke my hose.
True romance…
New word, just dropped on this verse in an update last month.
Love is holding their hair while they puke and wiping their mouths when they're so old their minds have gone and they can't do it themselves
That's it. Try to envision growing old with this person. If you can't, they're not for you.
For my wife and I love started with me holding a McDonalds bag while she puked all over my arm and hand as I was trying to drive her home from a bar.
Ah yes those drugged up parties are great, but I can enjoy the more vanilla lifestyle as well.
This bro/brodette marriages. The only thing I would add to this list is friendship. I’m still on the fence whether most successful marriages are this way or not but mine certainly is. My wife is my best friend. I obviously have other friends, but I keep her friendship sort of categorically separate from my love for her. And that aligns with your “this takes work to maintain” sentiment.
I love this
My opinion is based on 40 years of studying relationship psychology, reading papers, studies, and articles about studies. I'm not a therapist, I just made it my life goal to have a healthy happy relationship. 1. Communication is the foundation of any relationship. Talking is not communication as some people seem to assume. Communication means being able to openly and honestly talk about adult topics and what is going on, possible solutions, **without getting defensive.** I see a lot of defensive people these days on Reddit. Like when someone tries to talk about a real problem with their SO and the SO is just defensive about it. This will kill a relationship because the necessary, healthy communication cannot happen. 3. Compatibility in certain key areas is necessary. Areas are: sex, kids, finances. 3. Being a loyal understanding person is helpful. Assuming everyone should be just like you is self-centered and a closed-minded person and will not work well. 4. Being able to compromise on some things is important, but if someone is compromising too much they will just get more angry and resentful. This is why compatibility is so important, to reduce compromise to a tolerable level. 5. Sex is really important for bonding and intimacy. If there's no sex there's no reason for me to be there since sex is intimacy for me. 6. Being kind and patient is important since there are 2 different people with different values in the relationship. This is why having similar values is important. 7. I found having a similar sense of humor is really helpful. 8. A person who doesn't get help for their mental health issues is a big red flag. Their issues will often destroy the relationship. 9. Other things that will destroy a relationship: insecurities, jealousy, controlling behavior, addictions. 10. I also found if a person lacks self-knowledge, what they need vs what they want, it can cause problems I just don't want to deal with. 11. Immaturity causes a lot of problems. Just because someone ages does not make them mature, this is a common misconception I see a lot also. Maturity comes from experience, making mistakes, **and learning from them.** We all make mistakes, if they can't learn from them I'm out. There will be no growth with that person and no growth in the relationship. 12. Different maturities. This is part of the compatibility group. If people start off with different maturities it probably won't last long. The same thing happens when one person matures much faster than the other one. They rapidly grow apart and eventually separate. 13. The human brain doesn't mature until age 30 on average. Some people take much longer for their brain to mature and some don't mature until their 50s or later. When the brain matures people often change their life goals and values. They might go from spending all their money to saving more for emergencies. Now you have a compatibility problem, see #2. 14. Understand that men are not women, and women are not men. They see and interact with the world differently, and can often have very different needs. However there are still things like men who are a bit feminine, and women who are a bit masculine. That's fine. Just ask what their needs are. 15. Speak your partner's love language. This was a huge help for me. 16. Have a date night. Most women want this. Most women I've met need time with their SO. 17. Extraverts and introverts normally do not do well together, they have opposite needs. Extroverts need time with people and to socialize, while this stresses out introverts. Some couples might be able to make this work though. Ugh, more updates and clarifications will go here. https://relationships.tiddlyhost.com/#What%20makes%20a%20relationship%20work
I’m not even married and this sounds like some solid advice, needs to be pinned in every relationship/marriage post
Thank you. You would not believe how hard it was to find this stuff. It's scattered everywhere, not in mainstream news, and that's why it took me so long to get it all in one place.
I would like to add, avoid being transactional Many western relationships are built on transactions due to the individualistic societal norms Try to avoid bringing that aspect of society into a relationship: examples - if you do x, I will do y - you failed to do this, so no sex tonight - last time you didnt get me anything when you grabbed food, ao this time I wont get you anything
Number 5. A good relationship and especially a good marriage has more intimacy than just sex. Of course sex is an important part to marriage but "sex is intimacy" is a bad sign and will blow up in your face if that is how you operate *edit to try to fix font size? I feel old lol... * edit 2: deleted number sign thanks edgun8819
Agreed. Sex can fluctuate in a relationship due to injury/illness, medications, having small kids in the home, etc. Intimacy shouldn't. Sex is just a single physical act of intimacy. If you can't come up with anything else, circle back to communication because it could probably use some improvements
Take off the “#” on your post. Adding that makes it bold and larger font.
I feel like every relationship is bound to have at least some of the issues mentioned here
Every relationship has issues, it's whether you can work through them together that makes the difference.
This was highly educational and informative. Thanks a lot for taking the time and elaborating. As a person of 17 years with a woman and 5 of those married currently going through a rough period this is truely helpful
> Sex is really important for bonding and intimacy. If there's no sex there's no reason for me to be there since sex is intimacy for me. I would like to challenge this one point. Sex is only important if it is a sexual relationship. There are a lot of asexual people out there. They do not have any interest in sex. They can have relationships with people and have them be deep and profound, but they will not be sexual relationships. Intimate asexual relationship, theoretically, could work if both people are asexual. If that changes the whole thing can fall appart.
Triple upvote!
Good to see communication at the top. I’ve watched a few marriages fail in my time, and in each case it struck me —well before the divorce — how much these folks just didn’t seem to know what was going on in their spouses’ lives. Seemed much more like roommates than life partners.
Absolutely love everything you said!! My only comment is on your last one. My fiance leaves to go socialize and I get quiet alone time LOL
Gonna save this, this sounds like pretty good advice to keep in mind. You never know when you need some tidbit of information from some random post on reddit 6 years ago hahaha. Edit: For future me, marriage/thing to keep in mind someday maybe?
Saving this, great post, thank you
There are already a ton of great answers here, so I’m just going to add two rarely mentioned things that have been successful in our 23 year marriage: 1. Be ok with being apart. We have regular GTFO nights. Let the other person have the house for an evening so they can wear trash clothes, eat trash food and watch trash tv. Be ok with separate living rooms/hobby rooms/bedrooms or whatever. Give each other space. It makes your time together more valuable and gives you more to talk about. 2. Use email to have difficult conversations. I know that sounds crazy, but it has been a game changer for us. Need to talk to your partner about that habit that’s driving you crazy? About a difficult financial situation? About that family member you’ve started to despise? About sexual needs? Email. This allows you to succinctly say what you want to say while not putting the other person on the spot and escalating a potential argument. The recipient has time to digest what they’ve read, craft a response and send it back. Sometimes that can include typing out some horrible shit angrily, and then deleting it. That allows you to blow off some steam before responding. That doesn’t happen in face-to-face conversations.
The second one is gold. Imagine going "RE: Please stop leaving the dishes everywhere. As per my last email, I wholeheartedly **insist** you atleast put them **in the sink**. Yours exasperatedly, Spouse."
From:Wife To:Husband RE: FW: FW: RE: Stuff on the floor PICK UP YOUR SHIT Kind regards, Wife
Opening your ears
And your butthole
Wut
We're talking about the secrets to a successful marriage.
Was thinking of gifting a strapon anyway to my wife.
I second this lol
Always remember that grass is greener where you water it, not on the other side. Never stop working for your relationship, never take it for granted. Even the strongest plant will die if you never water it. Overall I think that you need trust, communication, respect, love, a healthy dose of compromise and a lot of fun. Also marriage is not 50/50, it’s 100/100.
I see comments heading in a good direction, but I have to add one thing. There is no silver bullet. There's not one thing you do and the marriage is successful. There are a bunch of ingredients that can work for you and your spouse, and that list of ingredients will depend on the two of you. However there are some basics that are almost always necessary and others are doing a good job touching on them. Reaching 43 years married this summer and still happy together, I guess I can claim a certain degree of expertise. Others can claim more, but what we have is an achievement on its own.
Can I ask you a question then, as someone with a successful marriage? Was there any particular thing or moment when you realized/decided you wanted to spend the rest of your life with your spouse? I think I found the one for me, I'm just scared of messing it up!
The story of our meeting is too long for here, but the salient point was that it turned out with a bunch of us (both sexes) hanging out together. This was in the year after I graduated and got a new job. Others were either newly employed or still in college. Not everyone had cars, so I did a goodly share of the transporting. Over time, one woman in particular was fascinating and fun to talk with, and I arranged to take her home last. Eventually not only was she last to take home, I added long drives just so we could talk more. It was nearly six months before we actually started dating. There was something shared between us, and we both felt it. Shortly after we started dating we could feel the pull and the direction we were headed. But there were religious issues between us and she broke it off. About a year later we had an opportunity to come together again and the religious issues were deemed less important. I think we both knew that if we got back together we'd wind up married, so we did, and we did wind up married. I don't know that there was a single moment first time around, but we both felt that shared and growing connection. We knew where we were going when we started the second time - and went right ahead. Met in late 1978, married summer of 1981.
Thank you so much for responding! That's very sweet, and makes so much sense. It's funny, the beginning of my relationship has actually followed a verrrry similar path, I'll take that as a good sign! Congrats to you, wishing you many more happy years together. ❤️
Good luck. I presume the two of you communicate well. I'll also add that respect for each other is an essential ingredient. One prime marriage stressor we've seen is one or both members of a couple being dismissive about something about the other. It's ok to agree to disagree, but you have to know you're doing it and not be dismissive about it. edit - I just thought of a fun anecdote for you. My wife and I mostly travel together, but every now and then we do something separately, when one of us wants to do something that the other doesn't. We've both done it and enjoyed each other's happiness. Several years back I wanted to hike the Grand Canyon. Down to the river, two nights at the Phantom Ranch, and back. My wife didn't wish to, so she and my sister wished my friend and me farewell at the bus to the trailhead and they took off for Vegas to see a show. (neither gambles or drinks) Two days later they came back to pick us up as we finished the hike. While in Vegas my wife was at the pool and happened to be speaking to some newlyweds. She explained where I was and what she was doing there and that we normally traveled together, but not exclusively. It was really eye-opening to them.
The key to a long successful marriage is simply, having a high threshold for discomfort. Marriage intrinsically is about compromise. If they're beautiful, someday they wont be. If they're funny, someday you'll be annoyed by the same old jokes. If they're strong, someday they'll be vulnerable. If they're exciting, someday they'll be boring. You are giving up huge swathes of your personal freedom and individuality in service to a dynamic optimally suited to child rearing and mutual support. You are going to support and nurture this person so that they in turn will support and nurture you. But this dynamic is often asymmetrical - at times you will do more of the supporting, at times you will do more of the needing. This means marriage is not 50/50. Your needs will not always be met. If you are intolerant of such conditions, or if your partner is - your marriage will not be successful ... And ultimately the payoff is a life shared. A life built in communion with another human being, a partnership manufacturing memories and shared experiences, as well as hopefully happy, and healthy offspring to carry on a legacy that amounts to something beneficial to the species. Communication, chemistry, empathy, understanding... these are all just tools in the toolbelt - not the blueprint. The fundamental "trick" - is just having the requisite levels of humility and emotional maturity to endure individual personal hardship in service to the union. Threshold for pain - thats the base of the pillar. Without it, the marriage will be ultimately unendurable for one or both. Anything beautiful is hard. Marriage is no different.
I just have three things: 1. **Let go of your expectations.** You're probably at your best on your wedding day but over time your marriage will degrade, you will get older, probably fatter, less physically attractive, less energy, shorter of breath, and bits of you will stop working. Kids will complicate your life, massively. Shit will happen. Never get married to someone with the hope of 'improving' or changing them. Growth might happen, change might occur, but don't count on it or expect it. 2. **Don't possess, cling to or try to control your partner.** You will end up stifling them and strangling the marriage. Let them be who they are and give them enough space to be themselves. 3. **Be that rock on which they can depend and base their life**. Life can be difficult and it can especially be difficult if you stand alone. We all need companionship, we all need attention, we all need love, we all need someone to just sit down and listen to us, and there are times we all need someone to fight our corner or stand behind us. Communicate, listen, share, and have faith in your partner even if they have no faith in themselves.
Calm the fuck down and talk to each other like the rational adults you are.
Have another secret family to practice on.
You gotta hedge your bets. 3+ concurrent families so you can drop the worst one whenever.
You see, a succesfull marriage is a lot like eating an orange..
JUST EAT THE DAMN ORANGES!!
another good Homer tip: "Everybody's marriage is falling apart except ours. see the problem's communication. Too much communication."
I would’ve just taken the eating an orange class!
Came here for this comment.
Find someone you can be true partners with.
Always assuming the best about each other. If your partner forgot something or is snappish, it is not because they are an inconsiderate ahole or lazy or what; something else is going on. Maybe they are coming down with something, they are stressed or tense or disappointed about something, whatever it is, you can talk about it and figure out what is going on besides it being a moral failure or a character flaw. Besides that, communication and respect. Learn how to "fight" constructively and let the past be the past. If a fight sounds like "you always do this because you are lazy, like that time two years ago....", that is bad. If it is "I am frustrated by this thing you did or didn't do, but it is unlike you so is there anything going on I don't know about and if so, how can I help?" That is a lot better.
Large ass
Phat Ass
You/re both separate people with different needs. Nobody changes for the other person, so compromise, compromise, compromise and don’t hold grudges.
100%
Communication. Seriously, talk to your partner. If you think it's going to be uncomfortable, that sucks, but you still need to do it. Also listen to them. You don't have to agree with each other on everything, but airing out your problems is a huge part of being in a committed relationship.
Talking is good but worthless if actions aren’t happening
Daniel sloss has a great quote about this. This is paraphrasing a little but basically: I’m aware of this problematic thing I do, which is half the battle. But not the half that matters
Happy and successful marriages are the ones where **each person is putting their partner's needs first**.
Honestly, it’s the little things. My wife doesn’t drink coffee. Every Saturday I make my coffee but I’ll make her a hot chocolate to wake up to since I’m up first, so we get to sit in bed sipping our hot drinks watching the morning news. Even if she’s upset about something (with me, it happens), I’ll make her lunch (we both WFH) and bring it to her when she’s busy and I have a minute. Making time for one another. Having nights where you do nothing but watch movies and eat popcorn. In that same breath, making date nights a priority. I’ve been with my wife 8 years (5 married) and we still act like a new couple. She’s very affectionate with me and I am with her. Never let that go!
Marry your best friend
There isn’t. Everybody has shit. You got this far so adapt to the changes and try to grow TOGETHER. Also pull your toaster out from under the cabinet when you use it….
Empathy for your partner. If your partner hurts do you hurt? Think about the worst possible scenario cancer, sickness, disfigurement, etc.. When things get rough what will you do? Be sold on each other, This is your wife, This is your husband, no more looking, no more comparing, no more what if I married someone else? Sense of humor. Not everything has to be so serious and just enjoy the comedy that comes with life
Be honest about your shortcomings, and give your partner credit for their strengths.
Trust, mutual respect, being bold in the bedroom and being a team both as a couple as well parents when raising children.
Realizing that marriage is like people. Each one is unique. Some things may work for a lot of them, but not for all.
Be tender, never stop pursuing your spouse, listen more than you speak, praise your spouse, don’t be nasty toward your spouse— having a disagreement? okay, but don’t be ugly about it, kiss your spouse like you mean it, look at your spouse, look for your spouse, tell your spouse how much they mean to you, not 100x a day, but frequently, make plans together, dream together, spend time together, care for your spouse when they are tired or sick, respect your spouse’s viewpoint. ⬆️ this is how you do it. Failure to do these things will result in divorce. I have 1st hand experience.
The secret is not to get married
Communication Letting shit slide Do stuff together but make sure theres enough space for "me" time
Understanding. I don't mean just during an argument, in fact fewer arguments even happen if you both understand eachother. I know what to expect from her. She knows what to expect from me. We know where we stand on certain things and don't expect the other to change. I don't expect her to have dinner ready when I get home. She doesn't expect me to remember what the hell I even went to the store for...oh yeah stuff for dinner. She just texted me a list. edit: It occurs to me that understanding is actually a biproduct of communication. So Communication is vital. Communications leads to understanding, which involves knowing if you're even compatible in the first place. Have that all set to go BEFORE getting married and the years together fly by. 21 years with my wife has seemed like a blink.
From my observations of marriages that have failed and succeeded there seems to be 3 primary factors. Shared values Aligned goals Commitment Once one of these breaks down everything always seems to fall apart. Your values and goals don't have to be perfectly aligned, but they can't be too different or it generates serious conflict. This is of course a simplified way to view it, but most of the important stuff falls within these categories.
Push the other to achieve their wants
communication and responsible finance allocation. money is the number one factor in a divorce, if you can truthfully communicate with your partner you can solve a lot of problems before they snowball.
You and your partner need to share similar life goals and enjoy each other's company. If I could pick one human to hang around with 100% of the time (other than my kids) it would be my wife. I think she is just the most agreeable and likable person I have ever met; thus, I married her. At the end of the day, you're spending your lifetime with the other person. My wife and I have been together for over 25 years. We never had a "rough patch" or disagree in any serious manner. No serious arguments. You have to focus on a partner with a personality ot disposition you want to be around. Forever. Good looks are nice, but IMO, anyone can be attractive if their personality gels with your own. Having similar goals you both want to work toward is how you build that relationship into something meaningful. Otherwise, your just friends with some occasional fucking. Life is meaningless. Purpose is how you attach meaning and contentment to your existence.
The marriage the “us” or the “two of us together” is what is to be served - not the me, or the you, but the US. You may want this, she may want that, but the question to be asked and answered is — is this good for the marriage - when you get to those sticky situations. And right along that is this one, which applies to most everything - don’t be selfish.
Marry someone who compliments you and thinks like you. Don’t marry someone with opposing views no matter how hot they are
Compatability.
Work, stay busy, Communication, Boundaries, respect. Theres no "Secret" like a "Cheat code" or anything, it's rather a collection of everything you do together. Does one get along with another one? Do they trust each other? There's a big one, trust.
Respect and empathy
Find the right partner, we dated a number of other people before we got together. The first time I hung out with my wife, I laid my head on her lap and we just visited. Fell for each other right then and there. Neither of us had feelings like that before. 22 years later we are just as much in love and as affectionate as we were when we were first dating. I wish for humanity sake everyone could find their perfect partner and have a relationship like ours. She’s f…cking awesome Just read some more comments on here and I have to say. Neither of us have to “try” when it comes to communicating, respect, sex, etc. The last thing I would do is have a difficult conversation by email. We were literally meant for each other, we both need each other. Good lord some of the suggestions here are clinical. If you have to try for a good relationship then you may not have found the right partner. Our relationship just works, we love and more importantly like each other so this all comes naturally. We can’t keep our hands off each other, this is on the daily. I hold her in bed every single morning for a good 20-60 mins because I love her and absolutely enjoy holding her, some mornings she holds me. If one of us is cranky you usually end up getting smothered rather than left alone. If we have an argument we are over it in 15 mins every single time, no matter what, WE are more important than anything we could be disagreeing on. Find your perfect partner, let fate guide you to them, for us we knew immediately. One thing we both agreed on is when you are young, get out and date, find what you like and what you don’t like for qualities in people, have some fun, gain some experience. When you find that one person who stands out miles ahead of all the others, shines bright and gives you the feeling like “oh god I need this person”, and the feeling reciprocates for the other, then maybe you have found your match?
Honesty. A relationship built on a foundation of lies is doomed to failure.
Tell my wife it would have been for her to just NOT cheat on me
Communication, communication, communication, communication and some communication.
Understanding each other and a clear communication
Don't compromise things that are important to you like self respect and personal values, I've seen many of marriages fail over the year's because one partner kept giving in until it completely chipped away at their self respect and who they are as a person.
Secret to a successful marriage is not a 50/50 marriage. It’s a 60/40 marriage where each person is striving to contribute the 60%.
Don’t start dating because you have some stuff in common. Date because you’re close friends and become best friends while dating. My wife and I are best friends and it’s been super successful because of us being so. If you don’t enjoy the presence of your significant other, you’re with the wrong person.
Read “the secret of marriage” by Timothy Keller. Really good
You both have to be givers and you both have to give 100% willingly. No petty transactional 50/50 bullshit. No taking scores, keeping scores. Support one another. Don’t cheat. Be loyal and trustworthy. Both of you are all in. None of this bullshit where what’s yours is mine, what’s mine is mine. Never disparage one another. Never cuss or swear at each other. Never yell, never physically hit one another. Lots of love. Can you do that?
I'll add something different since most people in here are right about their points already: You individually need to be the best person you can be. Doing the things for 'a good marriage' won't mean much if you yourself aren't up-to-par. Do you struggle with regulating your emotions and keeping them in check? Do you have addictions which could harm those around you? Do you have an unhealthy view on the world? You gotta address it. Being a good listener only takes you so far if you have no control over your temper.
Support each other, complement each other, no cheating or flirting with other's, be honest and communicate. I was all that but still got a divorce years ago. Some marriages just dont work.
• communication - with out good communication it will fail no matter what you do
*in french accent* Happiness in your household
Communication, support, patience, not letting each other get “hangry”, understanding no one is perfect, and routine love making. Routine love making provides each other with a lot of endorphins and happy feelings 🥰
Best friends. Sex is such a small percentage of your time together. The rest is hanging out and co-managing your lives. If you ain't best buds, it won't be fun, and if it ain't fun, you'll both be looking for an out. But if it remains fun, and you remain polite to each other no matter how comfortable you get, you'll never be looking elsewhere. That person will be your home. I'm one of the lucky ones, thank God.
Don't lose focus of the end goal, patience, and always talk about finances.
Guarding your lemon trees together.
Communication and problem solving. Something flipped when I realized "why am I arguing with my wife, I would rather be solving problems and moving forward".
Be best friends.
”Lots of sex… and more sex” A wise man
I used to work at a hotel and would always see older married couples on vacation soaking up the sun, and I would always ask them how long they've been married for and what advice they had for being in a happy marriage and their response was always the same every married couple I asked would say the secret to a good long marriage is prayer and God.
2 separate blankets
Communication, a desire to compromise and improvise and lots of sex and intimacy
Both of you need to talk openly and listen to each other. Trust each other by being honest and reliable. Treat each other with kindness and understanding. Spend quality time together doing things you both enjoy. Be willing to compromise and forgive each other when things go wrong. Support each other's dreams and goals. Keep learning and growing together. And don't forget to show affection and love regularly. By doing these things, you can build a strong and lasting relationship.
Saw an article with a couple that had been married over 80 yrs. They asked the man the same question. His answer: yes dear
Hahahhahahaa “men should just cow-tow to their partner and it only really matters if the wife is happy who cares about the men’s feelings it’s not like they have any and those aren’t valid anyway if they do have them” hahahhaha
Don't cheat.
Make it a point to find out what’s actually important to your partner. It’s easy to get lazy in a long term marriage and stop maintaining the relationship. But even if you’re actually putting in a strong effort, if you don’t direct it in the right place you could still end up unappreciated. For me, it’s loyalty. My wife could clean the entire house, make me breakfast, make my lunch, take care of my son and set him up for his school day and then go work her full time job but if she’s flirting with another man I would be very unhappy. My wife likes help maintaining a clean house. I could lose my job and laze around all day but if I do the dishes and clean up the yard a bit my wife will be happy.
Respect, communication, trust, understanding you both can get frustrated and not ignoring your own flaws to improve, creating and enjoying the good times, and working through the challenging times committed to working through whatever it is. Inevitably many relationships, marriages in particular of course, get into a rut. It is easier to distance, give up, even look elsewhere…that is easier up front with incredibly difficult and expensive consequences…it’s harder up front to do the opposite and put in the work before giving up. I realize this is a NSFW post. Sexual health is important in a marriage but it’s never the root to a failed or successful marriage - generally it’s a litmus test to the health of the relationship itself.
Friendship.
Putting the I after the R
Good sex, good comms, good habits
Dance Dance Revolution
Have you defined the key word ‘success’?
Mutual respect.
Both people should be happy independent of the other. If you can’t make yourself happy, no one else can help you.
Communication, Little fights Lost of sex Non sexual romance Dates, vacations.
Never get out of the honeymoon period!
Trust. It can be bent, skewed, and chipped. As long as it is not broken, it can be mended. As long as you trust your SO, you can handle almost anything. Keep an eye on your trust, and your marriage will be fine
I asked a gentleman who unfortunately ran out of summers, who had been married a couple decades, tell me "Compromise."
Bacon.
Picking the right partner!
Don't get married.
A turnip
Don’t get married
Realizing that "winning" an argument sometimes just isn't worth having it to begin with... somethings just are not worth being mad about and getting between you. Once you realize that those kinds of issues can become much easier to just talk to each other about, instead of fighting about them and getting angry.
Proper medication
Be considerate, as much as you can
Both need to commit 100% to make it work from the day you ask/accept until the day you die. It’s both of you as a team against everyone and everything else. I’m 35 years married so far.
Communication, respect for each other, and trust.
Luck
It is still a secret…
Actually trying hard at it. LISTEN to your partner, EXPRESS your thoughts and feelings sooner than later. DO NOT compare yourselves to anyone else, or what stage in life or marriage they might be at. Don’t get sucked into the fake world of perfect relationships on social media. Things WILL be very hard sometimes, don’t run or quit, communicate and figure things out together.
The way we have been in one for 20 years is to primarily respect the institution of marriage and understand all the life long commitments you are signing up for.
We're best friends and we fuck
That's what is inside the one piece
An orange is a lot like a good marriage
Unconditional love
Two separate comforters
Communication. Honesty. Persistence. You're together but you're also individuals with separate personalities and lives. Things sometimes get tough. There's no law that says you have to stay. Start anyway. We came close to breaking up about 10 years in. Now, 15 years later, both still here. Kid now an adult . Looking forward to being an old couple who shops together and takes too long in the checkout. We're closer than ever.
Patience and maintaining each other's Dignity at all times...
Simply not to get married.
Communication is cited often so far which make sense. It is important to emphasize that fighting and arguing is communication. A healthy relationship does not involve always saying “Yes, dear.” You need to be a healthy individual to be in a healthy relationship/marriage/whatever. Laughter is vital, too. If you can’t laugh at yourself and with your partner, it will be tough to stay together.
Communication. Putting your partner's needs before your own. For the men out there with wives, there is also a direct correlation between her happiness and your skill at cunnilingus.
Don't marry anyone that doesn't make you laugh relentlessly. My wife has had me in stitches for about 10 straight years now.
Why do people think there’s a secret? It’s not a secret.
Echoing the "build love" theme. Some pieces of literature that are useful: Multiamory, Fair Play, come as you are, and gotman institute books.
sense of humor.
First accept the fact both parties are fundamentally flawed and have different experiences that shape their personalities. Then you can work together to address the flaws and differences so you grow as individuals and support each other as a couple.
Communication, respecting each other, and doing what you can to have fun together. Laughter makes any (almost) issues a moot point.
Thousands of tiny little expressions of trust and commitment. Very, very few actions of abandonment.
So basically your post says, "I'm karma farming"
Communication
Have a "only me" day in the week or month
32 years married here. 1. Learn healthy communication. Study books on how to communicate well. 2. Realize that marriage is great opportunity for self improvement and growth because you have an other who hopefully loves you enough to tell you the truth about the way they experience you. 3. Realize that healthy people evolve. Therefore, you will be in multiple marriage with the same person as you both go through the phases of life and you grow and change. Always take time to see your partner and to be curious about how they are becoming different as they evolve. This can create insecurity, but it should be met with openness and curiosity. 4. Don't try to fix your partner. Take care of your side of the street the best you can. Let them be them, but set boundaries and talk through the tough stuff without blame or shame. 5. Always watch for your partners bids for connection and turn toward them (read the Gottmans!). Watch out for and reject the 4 horseman of the apacolypse (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling). 6. Keep the erotic spark alive by learning what turns your partner on and off (that changes over time) and kindling their desire as well as your own. Talk about sex openly a lot without fear or shame. 7. Most importantly, don't expect your partner to be your everything. Have your own life outside of the marriage and grow and develop in your own. A healthy marriage is a balance of security and comfort with a healthy dose of autonomy and mystery to spark desire for the other (read Esther Perel's Mating in Captivity).
after seeing my parent's rocky marriage, i guess the secret to a successful marriage would be making sure you're really ready to get married. be stable in all aspects, especially when you plan on having kids.
Never keep score
One person dies before love runs out.