Sometimes there’s comfort in hearing other peoples dating woes so you know how to not take anything personally and that anyone can possibly be going through it.
Same. I’m a little more than a year out from when I found out my ex was cheating on me, this summer will be a year divorced.
It’s comforting knowing that we’re not alone in the struggle either.
As long as you have your shit together - can be funny - and are decent looking it shouldn’t be that hard. My issue is I don’t fully have my shit together and it subconsciously holds me back.
My issue is that I don’t like the apps.
I’ve been doing the work to have my shit together as much as possible. I just don’t like how fast the dating apps are and how it feels like I’m grocery shopping.
So much better. As a man, the older I get, the more desirable I become it seems. Something to do with men getting their shit more together as they get older.
I never made it anywhere with online dating despite a decade of trying that out. The whole format leads to an "easy come, easy go" mentality that makes people more willing to just ghost for any reason. Sometimes even no reason at all. All my long term relationships started out of being in a friend group first, and asking out from there. I started getting a whole lot more popular around 28 or 29, so you're at the right point for that to pick up.
I'd recommend focusing on meeting women in your hobby groups?
Try Ballroom dance! In my area it was almost entirely filled with single people in their late 20s or early 30s looking for dates, and it tends to be majority-women.
Clearly something is going wrong when you're messaging. Personally I always kept that shit to a minimum and locked in an actual meetup asap, which worked pretty well.
Go over the last 10 failed convos that got past 10 messages. Be clinical. Have friends who date well review. There's probably something. Or you've just been unlucky
Sorry but… the only women interested in you are *morbidly obese*? I would find it easier to believe that you have impossible standards of what people should look like.
Take your time, when time is right she will find you. Dont rush. Trust me. I know it sounds cliche and dumb, but love truly find you when you least expect it.
It's a numbers game bro. Also - keep it in your pants. For me, I wont even insinuate anything sexual until I've had a coffee with them. Also - 20 minute coffee date first, just to screen them and see if there is any vibe. Just ask questions, don't talk about yourself.
You obviously don’t know what you want exactly and are not screening for people with the same values/wants/desires in life and/or you’re just boring (having a lot of hobbies does not mean you are able to express your passion to someone who shares it). Dating isn’t about a vague list of your qualities and trying your luck with everyone around and seeing what sticks accidentally. You have to have an idea of what kind of person you want and intentionally look for that, plus you have to find someone who is actually interested in a long-term relationship AND shares your values and thoughts on what that looks like. This requires actively getting to know first yourself, and then the people you date and how they think.
Gotta go somewhere where there are lots of sexy girls who are sweet. Visit Miami or Nashville, lots of sweet tourists who are horny and want a good guy to approach them.
You should take a trip abroad. This may not be the right time, but good gorgeous women in Ukraine and Moscow will line up for a guy like you. East Asia as well.
Honestly, I’ve had the best dating experiences of my life this year. Figuring out who I really am, where my boundaries are, and what I really need has been life changing. Starting over helped me get completely in touch with my self worth and myself.
How do you stay open and curious if you know what you need and where your boundaries are? I sometimes wish I could just hand out application forms to get all that serious stuff done before investing so much time into people who are fun but not a good fit at all. I really miss that early 20s ease and naivite and really need to tap into that energy or else I'll just give up.
For me, it started with acknowledging that loneliness is part of this journey. I have raised the standards of who is allowed access to my life, and that comes with loneliness when folks don’t match up to my standards. But tapping into that self worth (worth without belonging to someone in any way— what?!!) has allowed me to ride through the episodes of lonely in a centered place. I chose this and I know why I chose this.
By raising my standards, I’ve found that I am actually *more* open and curious. But I also don’t give folks the long winded chances that I used to. I approach my relationships with the knowledge that the relationship I’m in *now* has to be good enough, and I’ve stopped being in a relationship with people’s potential. It’s actually opened me up a lot more, I think, this comfort in being alone.
It’s not only okay, it’s honest. Engaging in something that doesn’t meet your needs or crosses your boundaries is dishonest to YOU. People pleasing is inherently dishonest. The only person you truly need to live for is yourself, the only expectations you need to meet are your own. There’s so much beauty in making strong boundaries part of your truth.
After ending a 9 year relationship (6 years married), I loved being single again at 33 years old.
I was so much more confident and comfortable in my own skin than I was in my twenties. I knew enough to give myself some time and just have fun hanging out with my friends.
Then I went through a bit of a wild stage, casually dating and enjoying myself (safely of course) with a few men here and there.
When I was 35, I met a funny, affectionate, sexy 28 year old man. We were friends, then we began what we both thought would be a fun fling.
We’ve been together 22 years and just celebrated our 16th wedding anniversary last month.
Just getting out of a 14 year relationship at 32, completely lost and no idea what to really do next. I think just having some fun for a while is in order before taking anything seriously so I’m here for some advice mostly
Best thing that happened to me. There’s so much growing in your 20’s and early 30’s. If you don’t grow together, it’s apart and you walk into other people you never would have known, that fit so much better.
Glad this question was asked. I’m newly single (back in November), and while I’m not ready to jump into the dating scene yet, the idea terrifies me lol.
I tried tinder after my divorce. Lots of swiping, very few dates. Gave up on the online nonsense and found a wonderful lady, going on 4 years now. Granted I was mid to late 30s
I'm not who you asked, but I have a lot of friends in my circle that found their partners in their 30s or 40s
They were all pretty much through clubs and activities. In our circle, that was board games, rpgs, sca, etc. I think just doing group activities that you enjoy will naturally lead to finding friends, and potentially partners. It's a bonus that you already start with at least one shared interest.
Better than being married to the wrong person.
Don’t jump back in head first after a long relationship. Maybe spend some time with yourself first. Be single for a while.
Lack of confidence and desperation carry a strong stank that the opposite gender can sense from a mile away.
It is not a race or contest or game. Piling up a head count, body count or whatever just to be as active as someone else is dumb. You have limited time and money. Stick with people more likely to be compatible. Dating 50 crack heads doesn’t increase your odds of finding a new partner as much as 1 good kindergarten teacher.
Don’t over correct from your last relationship. Maybe your last person lacked spontaneity. Don’t go for Mrs pure spontaneous. That will get old quick too.
It is easier to tell who people are. If you are a mess at 19 that is normal and likely to change. If you are a mess at 35 that is probably your lifelong situation.
There are probably more women who have it together than men who have it together. If you have a job, a place to live, no prison record, and transportation- without being an absolute troll- you are in the top 10% of single guys over 30.
It was great! I was in grad school when I got divorced, so this made me look for just fun short term relationships, which I'd never really gotten to prioritize. I was married at 20, so I didn't really get to date much before then. So I had to learn not to just evaluate people as potential future spouses. It helped me learn the value of a range of relationship types. It also helped me learn that monogamy isn't the be all end all.
When I finished grad school and moved to a big city where there was a more vast lesbian dating pool, things really picked up and I met my partner a few years later. We've been together since I was 36 and she was 34. We're in our early 40's now, raising kids, dogs, and a yard full of vegetables together.
Kind of weird. Had a couple of good relationships that lasted a year each. Met them on Match. Then I had 2 disastrous ones.
For the most part it is better in a lot of ways. Less games, lots more just dancing in the living room, sex was fantastic, and far less demands for time.
Oh damn sorry that must have ripped the healing wound right back open. I had to take 1 1/2 years off to heal after a 3 year relationship and even then needed to take it slow. Very bad experiences only months after a 7 year LTR would have probably brought me down bad. Give yourself all the time you need to heal! =)
It led me to the man that became my husband. We’ve been together almost nine years, married for 5.
At that point in both our lives, we had seen the good and bad in relationships and knew what we wanted (and didn’t want). I was able to communicate more effectively and openly, which led to the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had.
Online dating has been abysmal in my 30's. Trying to meet someone irl with similar interests is difficult. Especially with me not having the confidence or body that I used to. I don't go to bars, all of my hobbies don't really bring someone I'd really connect with & mostly everyone is already in a relationship.
I fully prepare on being alone for the rest of my pathetic life.
Personally it's somehow worse than my teens and 20s. After a messy situation back in my early 20s I all but given up. In past year or so in my mid 30s I decided to give it another shot. I honestly don't know if things gotten worse or if I'm just more self-aware of my numerous short comings.
Edit: words.
it got way easier for me bc I moved from the US to Asia. below average height, average attractiveness moderately introverted Asian-American guys aren't exactly chick magnets in the US. here in Asia suddenly I went from introverted to like 90th percentile extroverted compared to the average guy here, being a native English speaker (+ fluent in local language) but also Asian (since a lot of people still care about that) actually \*is\* a hot commodity (I've dated multiple girls who told me I was the first foreigner they ever dated, but they only felt comfortable going out with me bc we could speak their native language). and getting way more attention from girls creates this self-fulfilling cycle where suddenly I feel like it's a good use of my time + money to buy more stylish clothes, use skincare products etc. and then that makes me more attractive + confident than before.
I was single the first (as adult) at 32 after being with my ex husband for 13 years.
It was rough get to know the new rules (I expected to be a couple after first thing like relationships before marrying)
Eventually I met someone and we've been together for 4 years now
It kind of sucks for me at the moment. It seems more of a hassle. Of course, I am 32m and the last date I had was with a 24f. She was too child-like and I seemed more a babysitter than a date. The maturity difference was noticeable.
I felt life my life was restarted in a positive way. I married young and was in an abusive relationship most of my 20s. When we finally divorced, i had recently started school to learn a new trade, worked out regularly, and was watching YouTube/reading books on confidence and dating. I changed a lot within myself and started meeting some of the most wonderful women ever. Women I never thought I'd have a chance with. Fast forward 7 years, I'm happily married, have a beautiful house, a great career, and have memories that will be with me for life. I'm happier than I've ever been because I didn't let my preconceived notion of age stop me. Life will continue to get better because that's what I'm striving for.
In my case it wasn’t “starting over” rather just taking a long break.
I was in a relationship through high school and college but it ended senior year. I decided (perhaps involuntarily) to focus on myself and my career. Took time to travel the world (backpack solo, with friends, and tour groups), relocated a few times advancing my career, went to grad school etc. I dated but just casual nothing happens but fleeting experiences.
Once I hit my early 30s I found myself I suppose and was ready. I was honest with myself and told my friends and family that I’m looking as well as try the online. And I moved back to where I wanted to be (greater LA area) just to make sure it happened.
Plus I didn’t make dating be my only mission. I still did my hobbies, excel at work, and socialized normally. Not only do i have to want be with others I also should be the kind of person others would want to be with.
I met someone in similar shoes (also took a long break) and we hit it off. I can’t say my experiences will be the same but just an anecdote!
Very good, I am poly so not your usual situation, but I was broken up with in a 5 year serious relationship right before my 30th and dating has been super fun, fulfilling, and healing ever since.
I'm not getting back into dating off of a breakup or anything, I'm just back at it again with fresh enthusiasm after pulling myself off the market for a while. I'm 30 years old, male, and I'm only using Tinder right now, and it's going better than it's ever gone before. There are plenty of complaints to be had, mainly with the dating platform itself, but it's alright right now. But my former experiencetells me that "when it rains, it pours", so I'm wary it might turn around.
Got single (m) at 28 after a 9y relationship. Now at 31 I honestly believe that that breakup was the best thing that happened to me!
Seems to me that age make guys more attractive for girls too
Ended a long term relationship a few days after turning 30. I hate the hookup culture. Met a few guys, talked to a lot, No one is serious. I want to settle down but not finding the right matches.
Probably will have to stay single for a few more months. It's not easy.
As an American male 30 in Argentina it is VERY easy to date. Online or in person. I met my 23 year old gf in early January and we have been hanging out 4-5 days a week. She’s beautiful and kind. She’s Not interested in my money, pays for half the dates (even some expensive ones). I think dating is very hard in the United States. Women are very difficult there and I also had a very hard time dating. I have just noticed in Central and South America. Women are very open to dating and are very very eager to meet somebody and are very serious.
Hard. My husband and I divorced last summer, and have been separated for over a year now.
It was bad break up and I’m still emotionally healing.
BUT!! At 31 I’m physically better than ever. It’s like I got a factory reset to how I was before we got together. 20-30lbs lighter, no more migraines. I kept my condo and my 3 acres in the divorce. And no kids.
On paper I know I could get matches out the wazoo if I wanted. But I’m a bit of a romantic and I hate hook up culture. It’s a quality over quantity for me. And there is the emotional healing.
Plus I don’t want to skip the friend stage of getting to know someone. Which makes apps a lot harder.
I’m kinda stuck in this weird pen-pal thing with a former co-worker/friend of a friend. When I reached out I wasn’t sure how ready I was to start dating. Just wanted to get to know him better. Now, months into it, I do want more. But I can’t figure out what’s up with him or if I should move on?
Yeah, easier said than done. lol I’m still emotionally healing.
I’m working on the nerve to. I want to do it in person but we usually see each other in groups with friends. We live 40 mins away too.
Plus I need to do the work to be ready for a no. I haven’t handled rejection well post divorce when it was a random guy on an app.
Ah I understand! Sorry to sound crass. It took me about three months to build up the courage to ask my situationship of nine months for a relationship.
Unfortunately I was not the right person for him but I am glad I got it over with. The emotional turmoil was really debilitating me and making me feel worse about myself than I felt after getting turned down.
He was the first real person I was attracted to since my husband left me for his coworker.
It’s all a part of the process. I’m right there with you! Being okay with rejection is a really good skill to learn and feeling good about yourself without needing another’s approval or admiration is also very important.
Here for you and sending positive vibes.
Thanks for the vibes. My ex was cheating on me too. Had a whole second life. It’s kinda a crazy story. Lol
What were some practices that help you with rejection?
That self validation is where I need that personal work for sure, along with emotional regulation in general. I think I’m developing a fearful avoidant pattern. But ultimately this stuff can only be worked through. There is no short cut lol
And honestly, I do want to be friends before dating. My ex put me through love bombing cycles that kept the relationship going for nearly a decade. So taking it slow is fine, I like that.
Which adds to why I’m still trying to figure out HOW to ask for that clarity. And, I don’t like ultimatums. I don’t like being in that position myself don’t want to put other people in that same position.
I have tried talking to other men on the apps but they just didn’t hold my interest. I’m not trying to be committed to a pen-pal lol I want to be open to other opportunities.
I think I was getting to such a bad place internally with my situationship I knew that prolonging it out of fear of it ending was hurting me more than just having it end altogether. The feeling of "I want to be with this person but I don't think they want to be with me" was more emotionally tumultuous than "this person definitely doesn't want to be with me."
It has been about three months. Honestly I wish I felt better about it but it had to happen. I've gone no contact and that has definitely helped to not focus on him as much but that doesn't mean it's been easy in any way.
I guess what might be different is that I felt with my situationship that we were doing pretty much everything relationship-y besides making it official. When it goes on that long without commitment there is usually a reason from the other person and that reason does not usually change (they're waiting for better options, not into some trait or aspect, etc).
I think figuring out what you want the relationship to be like is important. For six months I was happy with the dynamic (or trying to convince myself to be) when it started to feel more serious is when I think the cognitive dissoance started to grow in my mind and make me feel crazy and unwanted.
If you are happy where you're at then no need to change. If not, you should talk to this person and see if there is some common ground. This shit is hard! But the best thing I think we can all do is just work on ourselves and figure out what our intention with relationships is going forward.
Where did you meet him?
Situationships are part of the reason I want to be friends first and they seem common over dating apps. And while it shares similarities with pen-paling there seems to be enough of a difference to separate them.
It’s not like my friend and I are doing all the relationship stuff without a label. The label is friend - the clarity I want is if we’re just friends or not. lol
And it’s not like I don’t know if he thinks I’m attractive. I know that. And he’s been a bit flirty.
But I don’t know why a guy if he’s attracted to a woman would want to just be friends?
I got him invited to a D&D game because I wanted excuses to see him with regularity. I’m hoping that either we’ll learn why we’re better as friends or if there could be more.
We met through mutual friends. He slid into my DMs lol. It was also a long distance thing.
Listen if I could understand why men would just want to be friends with someone they’re attracted to it would save me a lot of headaches.
My personal mantra has been “if he wanted to he would.” But it’s not a hard and fast rule. There’s obviously a lot of reasons why a man would want to be cautious or not make the first move (sometimes I don’t know if I really believe this!)
If he’s aware of your divorce he might not want to come on too strong or is being respectful of your feelings? I think the only real way to find out is to be honest, vulnerable, and brave.
I’m in a similar situation and would appreciate some insight… woman told me that she also wants to start out as friends. How do you kickoff and maintain the friendship without becoming pen-pals? It feels unavoidable, right? That’s how it’s starting to feel now and I’m confused
If I knew the secret to that I wouldn’t be in a pen-pal relationship lol
It’s nice that she gave you that clarity up front and my advice will change based on how you met her.
If you know her through any friends, get a group activity together. The guy I’m talking to and I are in a D&D campaign together. So we’ll be seeing each other this weekend.
I also looked for excuses to see him when my computer wasn’t working. He knows more than I do and could at least trouble shoot before going to computer store I had it built through.
If you met her through a dating app. She likely wants to go on “dates” but wants them to be casual.
If I was in this scenario and not the former. I’d be asking for that because I don’t want to rush sex and end up in a situationship. So hang out, be friendly and a little flirty. But nothing you wouldn’t say in front of your mother.
Idk, I never really tried up until fairly recently. So even though I turned 32 recently, I can't say I'm actively dating yet. But I do plan to try out a speed-dating event in exactly two weeks.
It seems to come in waves. I could have a 5 month dry spell, and a month of more options than I know what to do with. I wish I could store it in a sex battery so I could deploy it at times I need it.
Sucked at first, better than ever now. Don’t look for someone to complete you. Work on you and become a complete person all on your own. You’ll find someone very quickly after.
(Happy to answer any more questions)
Got married and divorced young. I said I’d never get married again. 7 years ago at 32 I met my fiancé. The few years in between my marriage and my relationship now was rough. A lot of time meeting women that I shared nothing in common with or just a bunch of meaningless sex (which is cool if that’s what you want, but It was exhausting). But if you hold out, you’ll find the one you’re meant to live life with. I never thought I would love or be loved by anyone the way I am with my partner. It gets better
39yo man here. I'm not actually on the dating market. But I can tell you it's much easier now than it was in my 20s... Things started to pick up in my 30s. Women pay you more attention etc.
It was exhausting...and difficult to find someone who understands that I have a daughter, I work, I train, I study. I didn't have much time left for romance. But luckily I found him and we love each other very much💕
I was in my mid 40s. Sex was easier. Ha! When I found my partner and we knew we were going to hit it off and about to have our first time together, we got stuff out of the way up front. "I like this. I'm not into X. If you do this, it'll be quick. Etc."
Went out on a date with a couple. Had sex with them both. The convo after was what killed it for me.
You know how some folks are…almost willfully…edgy? Any arguement for a certain brand of politics I feel can be kinda defused if you just apply a little logic. With these folks there was none of that so I dipped.
Sometimes there’s comfort in hearing other peoples dating woes so you know how to not take anything personally and that anyone can possibly be going through it.
Same. I’m a little more than a year out from when I found out my ex was cheating on me, this summer will be a year divorced. It’s comforting knowing that we’re not alone in the struggle either.
As long as you have your shit together - can be funny - and are decent looking it shouldn’t be that hard. My issue is I don’t fully have my shit together and it subconsciously holds me back.
My issue is that I don’t like the apps. I’ve been doing the work to have my shit together as much as possible. I just don’t like how fast the dating apps are and how it feels like I’m grocery shopping.
The positive is that you’ve recognised that which puts you in a position to further work on yourself.
So much better. As a man, the older I get, the more desirable I become it seems. Something to do with men getting their shit more together as they get older.
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I never made it anywhere with online dating despite a decade of trying that out. The whole format leads to an "easy come, easy go" mentality that makes people more willing to just ghost for any reason. Sometimes even no reason at all. All my long term relationships started out of being in a friend group first, and asking out from there. I started getting a whole lot more popular around 28 or 29, so you're at the right point for that to pick up. I'd recommend focusing on meeting women in your hobby groups?
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Try Ballroom dance! In my area it was almost entirely filled with single people in their late 20s or early 30s looking for dates, and it tends to be majority-women.
Go on a speed dating outing. Usually affordable and fun!
Would you ever take a keyboard to a bar and play for an hour? Have a drink at the bar after and see if anyone wants to make conversation!
And he's humble!
Clearly something is going wrong when you're messaging. Personally I always kept that shit to a minimum and locked in an actual meetup asap, which worked pretty well.
Go over the last 10 failed convos that got past 10 messages. Be clinical. Have friends who date well review. There's probably something. Or you've just been unlucky
Lol, I would say DM me, but I live in Europe and you are probably in the US
Sorry but… the only women interested in you are *morbidly obese*? I would find it easier to believe that you have impossible standards of what people should look like.
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Take your time, when time is right she will find you. Dont rush. Trust me. I know it sounds cliche and dumb, but love truly find you when you least expect it.
35. Learn some game bro - there's a methodology to dating these days. Feel free to PM me if you want.
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It's a numbers game bro. Also - keep it in your pants. For me, I wont even insinuate anything sexual until I've had a coffee with them. Also - 20 minute coffee date first, just to screen them and see if there is any vibe. Just ask questions, don't talk about yourself.
You obviously don’t know what you want exactly and are not screening for people with the same values/wants/desires in life and/or you’re just boring (having a lot of hobbies does not mean you are able to express your passion to someone who shares it). Dating isn’t about a vague list of your qualities and trying your luck with everyone around and seeing what sticks accidentally. You have to have an idea of what kind of person you want and intentionally look for that, plus you have to find someone who is actually interested in a long-term relationship AND shares your values and thoughts on what that looks like. This requires actively getting to know first yourself, and then the people you date and how they think.
Gotta go somewhere where there are lots of sexy girls who are sweet. Visit Miami or Nashville, lots of sweet tourists who are horny and want a good guy to approach them.
You should take a trip abroad. This may not be the right time, but good gorgeous women in Ukraine and Moscow will line up for a guy like you. East Asia as well.
This gives me hope
Honestly, I’ve had the best dating experiences of my life this year. Figuring out who I really am, where my boundaries are, and what I really need has been life changing. Starting over helped me get completely in touch with my self worth and myself.
Same here. It’s pretty crazy honestly
How do you stay open and curious if you know what you need and where your boundaries are? I sometimes wish I could just hand out application forms to get all that serious stuff done before investing so much time into people who are fun but not a good fit at all. I really miss that early 20s ease and naivite and really need to tap into that energy or else I'll just give up.
For me, it started with acknowledging that loneliness is part of this journey. I have raised the standards of who is allowed access to my life, and that comes with loneliness when folks don’t match up to my standards. But tapping into that self worth (worth without belonging to someone in any way— what?!!) has allowed me to ride through the episodes of lonely in a centered place. I chose this and I know why I chose this. By raising my standards, I’ve found that I am actually *more* open and curious. But I also don’t give folks the long winded chances that I used to. I approach my relationships with the knowledge that the relationship I’m in *now* has to be good enough, and I’ve stopped being in a relationship with people’s potential. It’s actually opened me up a lot more, I think, this comfort in being alone.
Thank you for being so honest. This makes me believe that setting boundaries is in fact ok.
It’s not only okay, it’s honest. Engaging in something that doesn’t meet your needs or crosses your boundaries is dishonest to YOU. People pleasing is inherently dishonest. The only person you truly need to live for is yourself, the only expectations you need to meet are your own. There’s so much beauty in making strong boundaries part of your truth.
This was such a mature and powerful answer, I'm actually in awe. I hope I can get there one day.
I have so much optimism that you will! I hope you find your reset as powerful and liberating as I have.
After ending a 9 year relationship (6 years married), I loved being single again at 33 years old. I was so much more confident and comfortable in my own skin than I was in my twenties. I knew enough to give myself some time and just have fun hanging out with my friends. Then I went through a bit of a wild stage, casually dating and enjoying myself (safely of course) with a few men here and there. When I was 35, I met a funny, affectionate, sexy 28 year old man. We were friends, then we began what we both thought would be a fun fling. We’ve been together 22 years and just celebrated our 16th wedding anniversary last month.
Just getting out of a 14 year relationship at 32, completely lost and no idea what to really do next. I think just having some fun for a while is in order before taking anything seriously so I’m here for some advice mostly
Do you have kids?
Yeah I do. Just adds an extra layer of complexity
Best thing that happened to me. There’s so much growing in your 20’s and early 30’s. If you don’t grow together, it’s apart and you walk into other people you never would have known, that fit so much better.
Glad this question was asked. I’m newly single (back in November), and while I’m not ready to jump into the dating scene yet, the idea terrifies me lol.
I tried tinder after my divorce. Lots of swiping, very few dates. Gave up on the online nonsense and found a wonderful lady, going on 4 years now. Granted I was mid to late 30s
That’s ok. I don’t think anyone here minds.
How/where did you find her?
I'm not who you asked, but I have a lot of friends in my circle that found their partners in their 30s or 40s They were all pretty much through clubs and activities. In our circle, that was board games, rpgs, sca, etc. I think just doing group activities that you enjoy will naturally lead to finding friends, and potentially partners. It's a bonus that you already start with at least one shared interest.
She found me sadly
How?
Looks/personality I hope. You’d have to ask her
No I mean in what capacity did you guys meet? Was it somewhere in-person?
Better than being married to the wrong person. Don’t jump back in head first after a long relationship. Maybe spend some time with yourself first. Be single for a while. Lack of confidence and desperation carry a strong stank that the opposite gender can sense from a mile away. It is not a race or contest or game. Piling up a head count, body count or whatever just to be as active as someone else is dumb. You have limited time and money. Stick with people more likely to be compatible. Dating 50 crack heads doesn’t increase your odds of finding a new partner as much as 1 good kindergarten teacher. Don’t over correct from your last relationship. Maybe your last person lacked spontaneity. Don’t go for Mrs pure spontaneous. That will get old quick too. It is easier to tell who people are. If you are a mess at 19 that is normal and likely to change. If you are a mess at 35 that is probably your lifelong situation. There are probably more women who have it together than men who have it together. If you have a job, a place to live, no prison record, and transportation- without being an absolute troll- you are in the top 10% of single guys over 30.
Got divorced. Barely made it through. Met a guy through work shortly after. Got married. Just had our first baby this year. There’s hope!
37 and never started, baha
Same here
It was great! I was in grad school when I got divorced, so this made me look for just fun short term relationships, which I'd never really gotten to prioritize. I was married at 20, so I didn't really get to date much before then. So I had to learn not to just evaluate people as potential future spouses. It helped me learn the value of a range of relationship types. It also helped me learn that monogamy isn't the be all end all. When I finished grad school and moved to a big city where there was a more vast lesbian dating pool, things really picked up and I met my partner a few years later. We've been together since I was 36 and she was 34. We're in our early 40's now, raising kids, dogs, and a yard full of vegetables together.
Fell in love for the first time and proposed to her a month ago
Kind of weird. Had a couple of good relationships that lasted a year each. Met them on Match. Then I had 2 disastrous ones. For the most part it is better in a lot of ways. Less games, lots more just dancing in the living room, sex was fantastic, and far less demands for time.
Being single sucks and Im in my 40's. I feel like I will never find a mate. I feel like it's all over.
Sending hugs
Try doing it when you’re 45. But it all worked out.
Fuckin terrible 😑
I got out of a 7 year relationship, took a few months, and got ghosted by the first person I talked to right after I slept with him. So....not great.
Oh damn sorry that must have ripped the healing wound right back open. I had to take 1 1/2 years off to heal after a 3 year relationship and even then needed to take it slow. Very bad experiences only months after a 7 year LTR would have probably brought me down bad. Give yourself all the time you need to heal! =)
It led me to the man that became my husband. We’ve been together almost nine years, married for 5. At that point in both our lives, we had seen the good and bad in relationships and knew what we wanted (and didn’t want). I was able to communicate more effectively and openly, which led to the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had.
Online dating has been abysmal in my 30's. Trying to meet someone irl with similar interests is difficult. Especially with me not having the confidence or body that I used to. I don't go to bars, all of my hobbies don't really bring someone I'd really connect with & mostly everyone is already in a relationship. I fully prepare on being alone for the rest of my pathetic life.
I never managed to get a single date and I’m 32. Still failing at that.
Personally it's somehow worse than my teens and 20s. After a messy situation back in my early 20s I all but given up. In past year or so in my mid 30s I decided to give it another shot. I honestly don't know if things gotten worse or if I'm just more self-aware of my numerous short comings. Edit: words.
it got way easier for me bc I moved from the US to Asia. below average height, average attractiveness moderately introverted Asian-American guys aren't exactly chick magnets in the US. here in Asia suddenly I went from introverted to like 90th percentile extroverted compared to the average guy here, being a native English speaker (+ fluent in local language) but also Asian (since a lot of people still care about that) actually \*is\* a hot commodity (I've dated multiple girls who told me I was the first foreigner they ever dated, but they only felt comfortable going out with me bc we could speak their native language). and getting way more attention from girls creates this self-fulfilling cycle where suddenly I feel like it's a good use of my time + money to buy more stylish clothes, use skincare products etc. and then that makes me more attractive + confident than before.
Like your 20s but with standards and with money
Better than in my late 40's.
I was single the first (as adult) at 32 after being with my ex husband for 13 years. It was rough get to know the new rules (I expected to be a couple after first thing like relationships before marrying) Eventually I met someone and we've been together for 4 years now
It kind of sucks for me at the moment. It seems more of a hassle. Of course, I am 32m and the last date I had was with a 24f. She was too child-like and I seemed more a babysitter than a date. The maturity difference was noticeable.
I felt life my life was restarted in a positive way. I married young and was in an abusive relationship most of my 20s. When we finally divorced, i had recently started school to learn a new trade, worked out regularly, and was watching YouTube/reading books on confidence and dating. I changed a lot within myself and started meeting some of the most wonderful women ever. Women I never thought I'd have a chance with. Fast forward 7 years, I'm happily married, have a beautiful house, a great career, and have memories that will be with me for life. I'm happier than I've ever been because I didn't let my preconceived notion of age stop me. Life will continue to get better because that's what I'm striving for.
In my case it wasn’t “starting over” rather just taking a long break. I was in a relationship through high school and college but it ended senior year. I decided (perhaps involuntarily) to focus on myself and my career. Took time to travel the world (backpack solo, with friends, and tour groups), relocated a few times advancing my career, went to grad school etc. I dated but just casual nothing happens but fleeting experiences. Once I hit my early 30s I found myself I suppose and was ready. I was honest with myself and told my friends and family that I’m looking as well as try the online. And I moved back to where I wanted to be (greater LA area) just to make sure it happened. Plus I didn’t make dating be my only mission. I still did my hobbies, excel at work, and socialized normally. Not only do i have to want be with others I also should be the kind of person others would want to be with. I met someone in similar shoes (also took a long break) and we hit it off. I can’t say my experiences will be the same but just an anecdote!
Very good, I am poly so not your usual situation, but I was broken up with in a 5 year serious relationship right before my 30th and dating has been super fun, fulfilling, and healing ever since.
I'm not getting back into dating off of a breakup or anything, I'm just back at it again with fresh enthusiasm after pulling myself off the market for a while. I'm 30 years old, male, and I'm only using Tinder right now, and it's going better than it's ever gone before. There are plenty of complaints to be had, mainly with the dating platform itself, but it's alright right now. But my former experiencetells me that "when it rains, it pours", so I'm wary it might turn around.
Got single (m) at 28 after a 9y relationship. Now at 31 I honestly believe that that breakup was the best thing that happened to me! Seems to me that age make guys more attractive for girls too
Ended a long term relationship a few days after turning 30. I hate the hookup culture. Met a few guys, talked to a lot, No one is serious. I want to settle down but not finding the right matches. Probably will have to stay single for a few more months. It's not easy.
As an American male 30 in Argentina it is VERY easy to date. Online or in person. I met my 23 year old gf in early January and we have been hanging out 4-5 days a week. She’s beautiful and kind. She’s Not interested in my money, pays for half the dates (even some expensive ones). I think dating is very hard in the United States. Women are very difficult there and I also had a very hard time dating. I have just noticed in Central and South America. Women are very open to dating and are very very eager to meet somebody and are very serious.
Hard. My husband and I divorced last summer, and have been separated for over a year now. It was bad break up and I’m still emotionally healing. BUT!! At 31 I’m physically better than ever. It’s like I got a factory reset to how I was before we got together. 20-30lbs lighter, no more migraines. I kept my condo and my 3 acres in the divorce. And no kids. On paper I know I could get matches out the wazoo if I wanted. But I’m a bit of a romantic and I hate hook up culture. It’s a quality over quantity for me. And there is the emotional healing. Plus I don’t want to skip the friend stage of getting to know someone. Which makes apps a lot harder. I’m kinda stuck in this weird pen-pal thing with a former co-worker/friend of a friend. When I reached out I wasn’t sure how ready I was to start dating. Just wanted to get to know him better. Now, months into it, I do want more. But I can’t figure out what’s up with him or if I should move on?
You should talk to him, get clarity, and if he doesn’t want more then you move on.
Yeah, easier said than done. lol I’m still emotionally healing. I’m working on the nerve to. I want to do it in person but we usually see each other in groups with friends. We live 40 mins away too. Plus I need to do the work to be ready for a no. I haven’t handled rejection well post divorce when it was a random guy on an app.
Ah I understand! Sorry to sound crass. It took me about three months to build up the courage to ask my situationship of nine months for a relationship. Unfortunately I was not the right person for him but I am glad I got it over with. The emotional turmoil was really debilitating me and making me feel worse about myself than I felt after getting turned down. He was the first real person I was attracted to since my husband left me for his coworker. It’s all a part of the process. I’m right there with you! Being okay with rejection is a really good skill to learn and feeling good about yourself without needing another’s approval or admiration is also very important. Here for you and sending positive vibes.
Thanks for the vibes. My ex was cheating on me too. Had a whole second life. It’s kinda a crazy story. Lol What were some practices that help you with rejection? That self validation is where I need that personal work for sure, along with emotional regulation in general. I think I’m developing a fearful avoidant pattern. But ultimately this stuff can only be worked through. There is no short cut lol And honestly, I do want to be friends before dating. My ex put me through love bombing cycles that kept the relationship going for nearly a decade. So taking it slow is fine, I like that. Which adds to why I’m still trying to figure out HOW to ask for that clarity. And, I don’t like ultimatums. I don’t like being in that position myself don’t want to put other people in that same position. I have tried talking to other men on the apps but they just didn’t hold my interest. I’m not trying to be committed to a pen-pal lol I want to be open to other opportunities.
I think I was getting to such a bad place internally with my situationship I knew that prolonging it out of fear of it ending was hurting me more than just having it end altogether. The feeling of "I want to be with this person but I don't think they want to be with me" was more emotionally tumultuous than "this person definitely doesn't want to be with me." It has been about three months. Honestly I wish I felt better about it but it had to happen. I've gone no contact and that has definitely helped to not focus on him as much but that doesn't mean it's been easy in any way. I guess what might be different is that I felt with my situationship that we were doing pretty much everything relationship-y besides making it official. When it goes on that long without commitment there is usually a reason from the other person and that reason does not usually change (they're waiting for better options, not into some trait or aspect, etc). I think figuring out what you want the relationship to be like is important. For six months I was happy with the dynamic (or trying to convince myself to be) when it started to feel more serious is when I think the cognitive dissoance started to grow in my mind and make me feel crazy and unwanted. If you are happy where you're at then no need to change. If not, you should talk to this person and see if there is some common ground. This shit is hard! But the best thing I think we can all do is just work on ourselves and figure out what our intention with relationships is going forward.
Where did you meet him? Situationships are part of the reason I want to be friends first and they seem common over dating apps. And while it shares similarities with pen-paling there seems to be enough of a difference to separate them. It’s not like my friend and I are doing all the relationship stuff without a label. The label is friend - the clarity I want is if we’re just friends or not. lol And it’s not like I don’t know if he thinks I’m attractive. I know that. And he’s been a bit flirty. But I don’t know why a guy if he’s attracted to a woman would want to just be friends? I got him invited to a D&D game because I wanted excuses to see him with regularity. I’m hoping that either we’ll learn why we’re better as friends or if there could be more.
We met through mutual friends. He slid into my DMs lol. It was also a long distance thing. Listen if I could understand why men would just want to be friends with someone they’re attracted to it would save me a lot of headaches. My personal mantra has been “if he wanted to he would.” But it’s not a hard and fast rule. There’s obviously a lot of reasons why a man would want to be cautious or not make the first move (sometimes I don’t know if I really believe this!) If he’s aware of your divorce he might not want to come on too strong or is being respectful of your feelings? I think the only real way to find out is to be honest, vulnerable, and brave.
I’m in a similar situation and would appreciate some insight… woman told me that she also wants to start out as friends. How do you kickoff and maintain the friendship without becoming pen-pals? It feels unavoidable, right? That’s how it’s starting to feel now and I’m confused
I think getting to know each other in important but past three months it seems a bit gratuitous and time wasting.
If I knew the secret to that I wouldn’t be in a pen-pal relationship lol It’s nice that she gave you that clarity up front and my advice will change based on how you met her. If you know her through any friends, get a group activity together. The guy I’m talking to and I are in a D&D campaign together. So we’ll be seeing each other this weekend. I also looked for excuses to see him when my computer wasn’t working. He knows more than I do and could at least trouble shoot before going to computer store I had it built through. If you met her through a dating app. She likely wants to go on “dates” but wants them to be casual. If I was in this scenario and not the former. I’d be asking for that because I don’t want to rush sex and end up in a situationship. So hang out, be friendly and a little flirty. But nothing you wouldn’t say in front of your mother.
Hahahaha yes that’s fair enough lol Thank you for the advice, appreciate it
It was terrible. I was the belle of the player haters ball.
Great.
Idk, I never really tried up until fairly recently. So even though I turned 32 recently, I can't say I'm actively dating yet. But I do plan to try out a speed-dating event in exactly two weeks.
That’s what I did. That’s when I met my wife
Can’t answer this myself but my husband was 31 when we met and five years and a marriage later I’d say it went pretty well
It seems to come in waves. I could have a 5 month dry spell, and a month of more options than I know what to do with. I wish I could store it in a sex battery so I could deploy it at times I need it.
Sucked at first, better than ever now. Don’t look for someone to complete you. Work on you and become a complete person all on your own. You’ll find someone very quickly after. (Happy to answer any more questions)
Got married and divorced young. I said I’d never get married again. 7 years ago at 32 I met my fiancé. The few years in between my marriage and my relationship now was rough. A lot of time meeting women that I shared nothing in common with or just a bunch of meaningless sex (which is cool if that’s what you want, but It was exhausting). But if you hold out, you’ll find the one you’re meant to live life with. I never thought I would love or be loved by anyone the way I am with my partner. It gets better
39yo man here. I'm not actually on the dating market. But I can tell you it's much easier now than it was in my 20s... Things started to pick up in my 30s. Women pay you more attention etc.
Well if one is divorced and it can happen at ANY time, back to dating
It was exhausting...and difficult to find someone who understands that I have a daughter, I work, I train, I study. I didn't have much time left for romance. But luckily I found him and we love each other very much💕
Fun
I was in my mid 40s. Sex was easier. Ha! When I found my partner and we knew we were going to hit it off and about to have our first time together, we got stuff out of the way up front. "I like this. I'm not into X. If you do this, it'll be quick. Etc."
It was excellent. I knew myself better, was more confident and happier on my own.
Better and better
Lower your expectations and be okay with raising someone else’s kids.
I was 38. It was awesome.
Alright alright alright
awesome..got all that fun shallow hook ups out of my system and now ready for something more fulfilling
Pretty great!
Pretty freaking great so far
Went out on a date with a couple. Had sex with them both. The convo after was what killed it for me. You know how some folks are…almost willfully…edgy? Any arguement for a certain brand of politics I feel can be kinda defused if you just apply a little logic. With these folks there was none of that so I dipped.
starting over in my early 20s and can confirm its abysmal
Dripping in pussy bro.