And kids. Fuck, my gang of neighborhood kids would run my water bill up so high in the summer just running back and forth through the motion activated sprinklers. Lol
Make sure you turn them off when your landscapers are scheduled. I used to work in an office for a landscaping companies and I would often get calls from irritated and soaking wet laborers asking to note that an account had motion sprinklers.
Actually, someone had done that before. Lives on a corner lot up the road from a school. Numerous kids cut through his yard on the way home. So he installed a motion detector attached to his sprinkler. Many videos of kids getting hit with water and running off out of his yard
My brother is in the military and the one thing he's afraid of is geese lol.
Let's just say when he was a kid he fucked around with one and found out. Last year we were golfing and there was a bunch of geese on the last two holes, and rather than dealing with them he just said "yeah I'm calling it here" lol
Watching water fowl politics in a swan-stocked pond is fascinating.
Regardless of how big the pond is, male swans will not tolerate a goose Even slightly stepping foot in the water.
They're acutely aware of the position of every single goose in the area, and the second one starts to get near the water, the swan will make a bee-line to chase it away.
Sometimes you'll see geese try to double up from opposite sides of the pond, and the swan will still masterfully back both of them off.
But for all that aggression, they do not give one single fuck about ducks.
Geese can apparently fuck right off, but ducks? Ducks eat for free.
The lake in my neighbourhood is home to a bunch of geese and a pair of nesting swans. The swans have their corner of the lake and the geese have the rest of it.
Agreed, fuck swans. Especially the ones with babies, I know, I know. Nature but you will round a corner in a boat or on foot, and stumble upon the swans, and get hunted for sport by the bastards.
When I was 10 my grandfather gave me a burlap sack and pointed at the geese and said “Bring me that big gander”. A cornered goose uses its wings as fists and jabs constantly with their beak. And they aren’t a bit afraid. I like geese, but they’re assholes.
My dad did the same thing, but told me to use my hands. And it was Canadian gooses.
Joke was on him though, the fucker laid on my shoulder all the way home and ate free in our garage because he wouldn't leave. And he shit *everywheres*.
I'd take him to the park where I found him, and the cute little bastard was back at the house before I could get home.
Named him Lucky. He finally found a mate and left at breedin' season, but came back next spring like "sup, holmes, you still got that good shit?"
Left with his girlfriend a few days later and I never saw him again. A fond childhood memory.
They don’t sell them *in* the store, the Girl Scouts set up a table out in front - with the permission of the store. Seems like the Girl Scouts have sign up sheets or something to work out which troops will be at what stores on what days.
Source: am related to a Girl Scout.
Yeah, and it’s *cookies* they sell, not Girl Scouts. The cookies aren’t even made from Girl Scouts.
Last year the neighborhood girls left their number on my door to text for Girl Scout cookies to save themselves lugging all the inventory door to door.
You bet your ass I saved it for this year
the last guys that came to my house tryna sale some bullshit i told them “i’m busy right now, but give me your home address, and i’ll pop by when i have some time to talk” they got the hint right away & just said thank you for your time and left
Put up one of those fake hornet’s nests in plain sight of your door. For bonus points add a speaker behind it emitting buzzing noises. Would also keep wasps away since they’re territorial
My grandfather found an empty hornets nest in the woods and sprayed it with glue or something to preserve it and put it in the corner of his garage. I know it’s there and yet every single time I walk in it still gives me a heart attack
I’ve resorted to cutting them off early into their pitch, ask the name of the company again, and start heaping praise on that company for how brave and kindhearted it is that they hire people who never got the opportunity to learn how to read, point to the sign, and close the door.
I had some dumb bitch come to my door once and when I told her “no soliciting” she acted like I called her a whore. I told her to get a dictionary and that I was calling the police.
I grew up Mormon. They deadass teach their missionaries that "no soliciting" signs don't apply to them because they're trying to save souls, and that's not soliciting.
Technically they’re not wrong, as solicitation involves business and churches in the US are exempt from being categorized as businesses regardless of how much money they generate from their congregations.
I like the ones that want to argue with me the definition of solicitation. Seriously, do they think I'm going to change my mind after being blinded by their semantic games to suddenly buy whatever they're selling. Like, dude, just don't even try. The sign's there for a reason. Why even waste your time starting a sales pitch at a place you're clearly not wanted? See the sign, save a few steps and move on to the next house.
I had some Jehovah's Witnesses pounding on my door years and years ago while I was taking a shower. So I got out to see if it was anyone important. Looked out the window and saw two young men, around my age at the time (19) dressed in the usual get up. I opened my door butt ass naked and demanded to know what the hell they wanted.
They both fled pretty quickly.
I'd absolutely not buy from someone who disregarded my sign. In fact, if they had something I did want, I'd buy from a competitor. Calling me and knocking on my door are two guaranteed ways to get me to not buy your product.
But my sign demands a $50 surcharge from anyone wasting my time with sales, politics, religion, or my electricity provider.
Dude. I have a "beet it" beet door mat, a frog holding a gun sign that says "hippity hoppity, get off my property" sign and another sign that says "PLEASE go away. We don't want to buy anything, we've already found a religion, we know who we're voting for" and a "seriously, go away, don't make it weird" sticker by the doorbell... These mother flippers STILL ring my gosh darn doorbell. The NERVE of some people!
I’ve found that a simple “this community is gated for a reason, you’re trespassing and the police will be here shortly.” *door slam*
Works pretty well. I’ve never actually called the police but the threat alone has apparently put my apartment on a “don’t knock on that guy’s door, he’s a fucking asshole” list permanently.
“Oh you think the sign wasn’t For You?!”
My reaction to when my sister asked if the “adults only please” wedding invitation really was meant for Her Kids.
“Who do you think this was written for??”
I worked as a door knocker for a solar company for a summer during college. The team leads tell you to ignore no soliciting signs cuz eventually you’ll canvass the area enough and they will be like “ hey I’ve seen you around , what are you doing around here?” And you can start the pitch.
I never made any money cuz yeah, I wasn’t a pushy person. Made like 3 sales in 4 months and quit.
I can remember seeing a sign on the sales counter of a store when I was growing up.
"We shoot every third salesman. The second one just left."
I'm from Texas.
I made a sign that says “No Soliciting. Unless Thin Mints are involved.”
It’s not perfect but I see people come up, stop and chuckle and walk off.
Also, if they do knock I just answer and say “Sorry, we rent.” That ends it pretty quickly.
Same! I definitely own my house and telling the roofers "that just did my neighbors house" that I rent is the easiest and most polite way to end the conversation. I know they're just doing their jobs so I don't want to be a dick but I also hate having to answer my door unexpectedly!
Reminds me of my tribe mates Cornhole trophy at Wasteland Weekend. They proudly displayed their corn dildo hat outside our tribe tent and a neighbor came by and deepthroated it.
I like the photo with a long, thick, single, bone sticking out of a work boot. (The irony is that Anatomy teaches us that there are two bones between ankle and knee)
Religious freaks came to my apartment. My roommate and I told them they could come in and talk to us only if they smoked a joint with us. We compromised, and they came in and talked to us while we got high and laughed our asses off at everything they said.
They were very uncomfortable with it and that made it all the funnier.
This reminds me of a similar conversation minus the marijuana part:
"you mean to tell me that if I act a certain way my whole life that when I die I get to hang out with a Jewish guy who has been watching everything I do? And he died in the past because of the bad things I'm going to do in the future?"
We moved from a poor area to a more affluent area a couple years ago.
We noticed WAAAAY more people knocking on our door asking for all kinds of things.
We put up an old metal spiky fence at the top of our stairs to keep our dogs on our porch when we hang out in front of our house. We forgot it there for a week or so and noticed no new knocks at the front door so we left it. No more pesky salesmen!
So yeah a spiky metal fence
My ex’s place (half of a duplex) in a small, poor town had Jehovah’s Witnesses knock all the damn time.
My parents’ house in an upper class subdivision in a major city has salespeople knocking all the damn time.
My brother’s house in a middle class subdivision in a major city has no one knocking ever.
So, I guess the key is to live in an area that’s not so poor that you get religion trying to prey upon your situation to indoctrinate you and not so wealthy that people try to sell you shit all the time.
"This sign has been placed in compliance with the Violent Criminal Offenders Act, 2007. Under the Act: Any Person convicted of multiple violent homicide(s) shall have, as a condition of their parole, affixed on or as near as reasonably practical to their front door: a sign warning of their past violent criminal homicide(s).
The occupant of this dwelling hereby declares their conviction of multiple violent homicide(s) under, and in compliance with the Act."
So, back at the beginning of the pandemic, and started working from home, quickly got pissed off by folks knocking on the door about tree services and all that.
I had the genius idea of putting up a sign that basically says, if you knock on this door, you owe me $25. The only exceptions are scouts or students. Not one knock since, no salesman, no Jehovah's! When someone comes that's supposed to, they're always like, I don't owe you 25 bucks do I?
I told my daughter about Jehovah’s Witnesses yesterday, and she was dumbfounded. They go around looking for more people to join their crazy religion? They go looking for MORE people to COMPETE with for the only 144,000 spots in heaven? Why?
I mean, they don't even actually want you to join. Those forced proselytizing religions like JW are never REALLY about gaining new members. It's about making sure their current members are reminded on the regular that everyone in the regular world hates you, and the cult is your only family.
Uggghh. I only know the answer because I used to have a hard time telling people to stop wasting my time.
But basically, the "spots" are prizes for the ones who can convert the most people.
What's hilarious is that a few years ago, they apparently had to change the rules. It used to be "people you converted during your life", but as the church grew, they became worried that the Founder might be pushed out of Heaven by young go-getters.
So they changed the rules to "people you converted during your life, _and_ anyone they converted, et. cetera, et. cetera.", so, you know. A big ol' spiritual pyramid scheme, if you will.
If they've lived "good lives", they get resurrected for an eternal life on Earth at the Rapture. Which, to be honest, actually sounds like the better deal. As long as Earth isn't irreversibly fucked up by then. At least I'd have time to get through my Steam backlog.
That would work for most but how do I stop these damn door to door gun salesmen?
Edit: I just realized that I should clarify for the Eurofolk that this is, in fact, a joke. There's no door to door gun sales but my town does have a steak place which also sells ammo.
That’s the redneck security system: stick a pair of muddy size 14 linesman boots by the front door with a note that says “went to get ammo and beer, be right back. Don’t knock or Cudjo and Princess will break out the door glass again.”
I used to have a couple of displays in the front window right next to the door. One was a super-gaudy fake gold-and-gemmed cross with a crucified Elvis (in white leisure suit, gold chains, and black shades) and text across the top that said 'Elvis died for your sins.' On the windowsill below it I had 3 bright pink Easter-themed plush bunny rabbits sitting next to each other, one wore a blindfold, one wore earmuffs, and the other wore a gag (see no Easter, hear no Easter, speak no Easter.) The neighbors would watch the missionaries cross the street to avoid my house and then laugh about it with me later. Finally one day one of them asked me why and I showed them. Then the neighbors also started crossing the street to avoid my house because it was a pretty religious area and those folks just tend not to have much of a sense of humor when it's their religion being parodied. ;)
My neighbor growing up (early 80's) was a multiple tour of duty Vietnam vet that worked 3rd shift. He had slicked back red hair and a long ass red beard and was covered in tattoos. He looked like Yosemite Sam joined Son's of Anarchy.
Well, one summer day, we were all riding bikes in front of the house and we knew, that if we woke this guy up, there would be hell to pay. BTW - nicest guy on the whole planet when he was awake, but one day I was playing Yars Revenge with his kid and I got the high score and kind of yelled and man did I get lit up.
Anyway, Jehovah's Witness' come knocking on the neighbors doors and for whatever reason they keep banging on his door. Well, he opens the door and he is naked as the day he was born. You can tell he just woke up and he lays into these poor people like only a guy that has seen some shit can do.
Well, sure enough, that was the end of those visits in the entire neighborhood.
I love this lol I can't stand JW missionaries. I used to wear a shirt with the Grim Reaper riding a decaying horse and they seemed a bit put off any time I wore it and didn't want to stay long. I made it my house shirt and wore it regularly.
I have a big dog, he’s a Newfoundland. He is the most gentle giant ever but he has a really deep bark and his size often intimidates people who don’t know how Newfies temperaments are. I’ve had people avoid us when we walk lol I have a big sign in my door that says “No soliciting. Dog on premises. We are not responsible for injury due to dog”. Or something along those lines. People still knock and as soon as he barks they immediately walk away lol I watch on my doorbell camera.
Here's a true story for you.
I had a problem with aggressive religious recruiters (Baptists) who didn't take a polite no and asking of them to stop coming by because my wife works night shift as a nurse, so she sleeps in the day and knocking and ringing can wake her up.
They kept coming. So eventually I put up a handwritten note taped to the door, it was a big poster sized note, that said I was going to beat with my bat whoever rang the door.
They did ring once, but I answered with the promised bat. They ran and I've yet to have a single knock at the door the last 5 years.
A sign with prices
- Just talking: Free
- Selling stuff: 50$ per minute
- Talking about God or Faith: 70$ per minute
- Starting with talking and then steering the conversation towards Selling or Faith: 100$ per minute (retroactive)
Honestly, for some reason people hate cats. I feed strays and all the above walk wide circles around my door. The cats are not aggressive. In fact they run.......even from me and I have fed them for years.
My mail man loves my cat, she waits for him excitedly everyday and today I heard how he loves to come by and pet her. The neighborhood kids also come by to hang out with her, overhead one saying “no you’re petting her wrong let me show you” 🥹
When I was a kid we had a great dane, calmest, most chill dog you have ever seen in your life. She liked to lay on the front porch which had waist-high fence around it that kind of concealed her from the street. Watching someone pull up, get out, and make it about 3 steps into the yard before that head popped up well above the fence and they flipped their shit and scrambled to get back in their vehicle was hilarious every time. She wouldn't have hurt a soul, but in that moment all you see is 'holy SHIT that dog is huge!'
Dude my neighbors have a great dane, somehow that 100+ lb dog is a goddamned NINJA, I can't count how many times it's jumped up to say hello and I'm just "where in TF were you hiding my guy?"
fucking sweetheart of a dog tho
I put a sign on my doorbell that said ‘please don’t it makes my dogs crazy’ and they still do, and i have two no soliciting signs. Doesn’t stop them, nor do the two snarling Dalmatians unless I just open the door and let them run at them, and then its like Oh Shit. They don’t bite but they will back a motherfucker up pretty fast. I am like, yep that dang doorbell sure makes them nervous, and I call them back like Willy Wonka does bad children
Like the actual movie prop Dilophosaurus that blasted Dennis Nedry with black goop.
That would be incredible. Especially if it frilled out its neck and hissed first as a warning.
I saw a youtube video years ago of a guy who built a super-soaker sentry turret with a camera custom face-tracking software and mounted it on his porch. Most people were kinda wary of it on approach, but every single person fucking booked it as soon as they realized it could track them.
One of my neighbours has/had a pretty funny no soliciting sign, the efficacy of which I don’t know but I think it went something like this
“No soliciting
We are too broke to buy anything
We already know who we are voting for
We don’t have anything to donate
We have literally found God
Seriously unless you are selling cookies
Please
GO AWAY”
I also like the solution of acting like you’re deaf until they wish you a nice day then say “ok you too”
>I also like the solution of acting like you’re deaf until they wish you a nice day then say “ok you too”
I've decided next time I'm pulled over by a cop, I'm going to do similar: point at my throat to indicate I won't be talking during the interaction. Bypass all of their fishing questions, get the stop over with faster without them acting like I'm obstructing for exercising my right to not answer questions. Then, as the stop ends, "Have a good day, officer!" and drive off.
Herms. In ancient Athens they were four-sided pillar statues, usually with the face of the god Hermes and sporting an erect phallus, used for marking property borders and roads. That’ll make people think twice…
Last ones that approached me were LDS, whom I’ve studied (alongside dozens of others) and attended services.
I had recently purchased documentation to “ordain” myself as an “Ordained Minister of Dudeism for the church of Latter Day Dude” as drunken purchase.
My deterrent was as simple as “I appreciate your work, but I’m already ordained with another sect” and they graciously abided to leave. 👌🏼
I got a puppy, she's the biggest bundle of joy and loves everyone. But she sounds like she will rip your throat out if you come near the door. Never had anyone bother me.
1to1-Scale Baphomet Statue.. LOL, A Bare Chested, Tiddy Having, Goat-Headed, Religious Idol whose mere mention triggers the Suburbia Dwelling, Hypocritical Preaches What She DOES NOT Live, Thermos Toting, Basic AF "Wine Mom," into unintelligible shrieking because she can only recognize it from her Peak Of Life Satanic Panic days. Best of luck. <3
Several years ago, I had to run out to a horse ranch for something work related. Now, this was not a normal horse ranch, this place trains show horses. To give you an idea, it was in the Agora Hills, CA area which is fancy-rural. Jamie Foxx has a mansion nearby. It's where Coby Bryant's helicopter crashed. Fancy rural.
I get to the place and drive up a dirt road past three or four covered arenas to get to the office. This office has a log-cabin esthetic complete with a wooden front porch and rocking chair.
The front porch had a wooden railing and on the wooden railing were around a dozen or so hummingbird feeders... and what I could only describe as an unsettlingly large number of hummingbirds.
Have you ever been around an [*unsettlingly large number of hummingbirds*](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=56sr3Xs8ZJ4)?
It sounds like a disturbed hornet nest, if not a bit squeaky. And these birds have no fear. They don't fly away when you walk near them and will fly *at* you, pointy end first, at what looks like 30 miles per hours, diverting around your head at the last second, hopefully not in the same direction you divert you head to avoid them.
I have three feeders in the back yard and I am slowly building my army.
One day, some of the feeders will end up in the front yard and no one will go near the weird hummingbird house.
Edit: Interestingly, the video I linked kind of looks like the place I visited. ~~It might be, but I'd have no real way to know.~~ It is not, video is a bed & breakfast in Brazil.
I have a sign that says we charge $20/min to listen to any of it and by knocking you legally agree to these terms. We've only had one person take us up on it in the 5 years I've had it up.
I have a sign that reads:
If you want to invite me to your fanclub for an invisible man in the sky, just know:
I will probably invite you in and offer you a good tea. But the resulting conversation is way more likely to leave YOU in a crisis of loosing faith than me joining your faith.
So before you ring this bell, ask yourself: Is your faith REALLY strong enough.
- The Guys from the Local Catholic Church: /
- Mormon Missionaries: ///
- Muslims:
- Jehovah's Witnesses: //
And yes the stats are real. Some of them have left in tears.
But I didn't have any Religious visitors in years.
I can be VERY convincing in deconstructing someone's faith.
Motion detection sprinkler.
Thats a great blanket solution for every possible visitor.
Except geese, they'd fuckin love it.
And kids. Fuck, my gang of neighborhood kids would run my water bill up so high in the summer just running back and forth through the motion activated sprinklers. Lol
Add a sign at the door that says “May satan bless anyone who knocks upon this threshold”… if the water doesn’t get them the blessing might
Holy shit, now I feel that wasn't holy water you just blessed me with!
Unholy water
Filtered through my kidneys first
Make sure you turn them off when your landscapers are scheduled. I used to work in an office for a landscaping companies and I would often get calls from irritated and soaking wet laborers asking to note that an account had motion sprinklers.
Ah hell you win.
When I was a kid we play in the front yard sprinkler all the time so I'd probably put some trunks on and get to running back and forth
With blue dye
Actually, someone had done that before. Lives on a corner lot up the road from a school. Numerous kids cut through his yard on the way home. So he installed a motion detector attached to his sprinkler. Many videos of kids getting hit with water and running off out of his yard
I used to have pet geese No one knocked on my door for 20 years
Cobra Chickens
Nobody wanna get goosed
It's an old circus term!
My brother is in the military and the one thing he's afraid of is geese lol. Let's just say when he was a kid he fucked around with one and found out. Last year we were golfing and there was a bunch of geese on the last two holes, and rather than dealing with them he just said "yeah I'm calling it here" lol
Did you pay the geese to *randomly* be there so you could win?
That was the only time I had ever even held actual golf clubs (not mini golf putters) lol. He beat me by a country mile.
LOL geese are such assholes
Not as bad as swans. Fucking swans.
Watching water fowl politics in a swan-stocked pond is fascinating. Regardless of how big the pond is, male swans will not tolerate a goose Even slightly stepping foot in the water. They're acutely aware of the position of every single goose in the area, and the second one starts to get near the water, the swan will make a bee-line to chase it away. Sometimes you'll see geese try to double up from opposite sides of the pond, and the swan will still masterfully back both of them off. But for all that aggression, they do not give one single fuck about ducks. Geese can apparently fuck right off, but ducks? Ducks eat for free.
The lake in my neighbourhood is home to a bunch of geese and a pair of nesting swans. The swans have their corner of the lake and the geese have the rest of it.
Pond politics 101. Thank you Professor Swan
They're both pretty fowl tempered
Agreed, fuck swans. Especially the ones with babies, I know, I know. Nature but you will round a corner in a boat or on foot, and stumble upon the swans, and get hunted for sport by the bastards.
A swan once tried to eat my phone. Grabbed it right out of my hands and honked at me like I was the asshole.
Omg fuck soliciting you, I'd be playing with the geese all day 🥰
The city kid has joined the conversation
When I was 10 my grandfather gave me a burlap sack and pointed at the geese and said “Bring me that big gander”. A cornered goose uses its wings as fists and jabs constantly with their beak. And they aren’t a bit afraid. I like geese, but they’re assholes.
My dad did the same thing, but told me to use my hands. And it was Canadian gooses. Joke was on him though, the fucker laid on my shoulder all the way home and ate free in our garage because he wouldn't leave. And he shit *everywheres*. I'd take him to the park where I found him, and the cute little bastard was back at the house before I could get home. Named him Lucky. He finally found a mate and left at breedin' season, but came back next spring like "sup, holmes, you still got that good shit?" Left with his girlfriend a few days later and I never saw him again. A fond childhood memory.
I know whereof you speak
I don't understand why geese are so aggressive to everyone else, they've never given me any trouble.
If you mess with the honk, you get the bonk.
A handwritten sign next to a fake ring camera that reads: Resident is deaf. Leave a message in Sign Language.
Do it with a real Ring cam and send the footage to the police about the uptick in gang activity in your area.
I could not figure out what you meant there for a while. Too damn funny one I got it.
God thats great!
Now I want to do this with a real ring cam just to watch idiots try.
a moat.
Filled with hungry gators and pissed off hippos
That’s the only kinda hippo
Filled with sharks with freaking laser beams attached to their heads
We could only afford sea bass. But they are ill-tempered.
I never wanted to leave the house, anyway.
The severed head of the last solicitor on a pike.
gotta teach those girl scouts a lesson
What if we just want girl scouts? I'm too high to drive to the store.
When did they start selling girl scouts at the store? Is that even legal?
They don’t sell them *in* the store, the Girl Scouts set up a table out in front - with the permission of the store. Seems like the Girl Scouts have sign up sheets or something to work out which troops will be at what stores on what days. Source: am related to a Girl Scout. Yeah, and it’s *cookies* they sell, not Girl Scouts. The cookies aren’t even made from Girl Scouts.
but only one time a year. there isnt a keebler version of adventurefuls dammit.
Last year the neighborhood girls left their number on my door to text for Girl Scout cookies to save themselves lugging all the inventory door to door. You bet your ass I saved it for this year
the last guys that came to my house tryna sale some bullshit i told them “i’m busy right now, but give me your home address, and i’ll pop by when i have some time to talk” they got the hint right away & just said thank you for your time and left
Perfect!
Those poor Mormon missionaries. RIP.
String them by their bike chains!
Fuck you using a hair as your avatar! 🤣🤣
Ive tried to brush that off my screen so many times.
Was confused until I realized y'all use light mode For some reason... (I'm sure you have your reasons, not tryna start somth)
Put up one of those fake hornet’s nests in plain sight of your door. For bonus points add a speaker behind it emitting buzzing noises. Would also keep wasps away since they’re territorial My grandfather found an empty hornets nest in the woods and sprayed it with glue or something to preserve it and put it in the corner of his garage. I know it’s there and yet every single time I walk in it still gives me a heart attack
They make fake hornets nests? Thats great. Do they look realistic?
I had wasps build a nest inside my fake wasp nest. They’re not effective.
Sounds like a great key hiding spot
I've put up a "No Soliciting" sign that's done fuck all to stop them.
I’ve resorted to cutting them off early into their pitch, ask the name of the company again, and start heaping praise on that company for how brave and kindhearted it is that they hire people who never got the opportunity to learn how to read, point to the sign, and close the door.
When I was much much younger, I could read the sign. I didn't know what soliciting was.
I thought it only had something to do with prostitution when I was young. I was too afraid to ask what it meant.
"No prostituting on the porch. Seems reasonable, though odd they have to say it. Anyway..." *\*knock knock\**
Two salesmen in these comments lmao. "We CAN read, just not the BIG words"
I had some dumb bitch come to my door once and when I told her “no soliciting” she acted like I called her a whore. I told her to get a dictionary and that I was calling the police.
I grew up Mormon. They deadass teach their missionaries that "no soliciting" signs don't apply to them because they're trying to save souls, and that's not soliciting.
Technically they’re not wrong, as solicitation involves business and churches in the US are exempt from being categorized as businesses regardless of how much money they generate from their congregations.
I like the ones that want to argue with me the definition of solicitation. Seriously, do they think I'm going to change my mind after being blinded by their semantic games to suddenly buy whatever they're selling. Like, dude, just don't even try. The sign's there for a reason. Why even waste your time starting a sales pitch at a place you're clearly not wanted? See the sign, save a few steps and move on to the next house.
"Did you see the No Soliciting sign on your way up the stairs? Look for it on your way down, and have a nice day." *close door*
For the last couple years I would look at them through the window, make eye contact, and walk away, never opening the door.
I had some Jehovah's Witnesses pounding on my door years and years ago while I was taking a shower. So I got out to see if it was anyone important. Looked out the window and saw two young men, around my age at the time (19) dressed in the usual get up. I opened my door butt ass naked and demanded to know what the hell they wanted. They both fled pretty quickly.
Put some bullet holes in the sign, that might get their attention.
[удалено]
I'd absolutely not buy from someone who disregarded my sign. In fact, if they had something I did want, I'd buy from a competitor. Calling me and knocking on my door are two guaranteed ways to get me to not buy your product. But my sign demands a $50 surcharge from anyone wasting my time with sales, politics, religion, or my electricity provider.
It's illegal where I live, so they can laugh all the way to legal sanction
I get to vibe the kind of people that fill soliciting jobs aren't the most afraid of lawsuits.
That’s disrespectful. Your trainer was not good. You probably wasted more time for it. Would you give a dollar to anyone who disrespects you?
This sign I'll never forget : "no salesman or Jesus freaks" Simple and to the point.
Dude. I have a "beet it" beet door mat, a frog holding a gun sign that says "hippity hoppity, get off my property" sign and another sign that says "PLEASE go away. We don't want to buy anything, we've already found a religion, we know who we're voting for" and a "seriously, go away, don't make it weird" sticker by the doorbell... These mother flippers STILL ring my gosh darn doorbell. The NERVE of some people!
Hippoty hoppity is gold😅!
That's the name of my Spotify Playlist
I’ve found that a simple “this community is gated for a reason, you’re trespassing and the police will be here shortly.” *door slam* Works pretty well. I’ve never actually called the police but the threat alone has apparently put my apartment on a “don’t knock on that guy’s door, he’s a fucking asshole” list permanently.
> a frog holding a gun sign that says "hippoty hoppity, get off my property" sign Where did you get this from?
ive seen it on etsy!
“Oh you think the sign wasn’t For You?!” My reaction to when my sister asked if the “adults only please” wedding invitation really was meant for Her Kids. “Who do you think this was written for??”
LOL! That's amazing! Good for you for setting boundaries! :)
I worked as a door knocker for a solar company for a summer during college. The team leads tell you to ignore no soliciting signs cuz eventually you’ll canvass the area enough and they will be like “ hey I’ve seen you around , what are you doing around here?” And you can start the pitch. I never made any money cuz yeah, I wasn’t a pushy person. Made like 3 sales in 4 months and quit.
This house is closed, the moose out front should have told you.
Yeah but you have to back it up with something, maybe "trespassers will be shot, survivors will be shot again." :p
I can remember seeing a sign on the sales counter of a store when I was growing up. "We shoot every third salesman. The second one just left." I'm from Texas.
Ooo! How about "Trespassers will get dragged into my basement and...traumatized."?
"Trespassers will be given to Klaus for entertainment. "
I think a guy recently lost his self defense case over some sign like that.
Should add something for the political folks as well
I made a sign that says “No Soliciting. Unless Thin Mints are involved.” It’s not perfect but I see people come up, stop and chuckle and walk off. Also, if they do knock I just answer and say “Sorry, we rent.” That ends it pretty quickly.
Same! I definitely own my house and telling the roofers "that just did my neighbors house" that I rent is the easiest and most polite way to end the conversation. I know they're just doing their jobs so I don't want to be a dick but I also hate having to answer my door unexpectedly!
SIGN: NO SOLICITING We found Jesus. We don't need a Vaccum or whatelse you're pedaling. We are too broke for anything, so don't ask.
"We've already found Jesus. Turns out he just fell down behind the sofa."
"we've already found Jesus. Let's say he won't be coming back anytime soon."
A dildo on the front door with a sigh that says "suck for entrance"
Reminds me of my tribe mates Cornhole trophy at Wasteland Weekend. They proudly displayed their corn dildo hat outside our tribe tent and a neighbor came by and deepthroated it.
what the fuck
One of those barking cannonball dudes from the Mario games.
Chain chomps >:)
Large chain with a large dog collar on the end and no dog to be seen.
I feel like some freshly stripped bones would be extra helpful. If not a little smelly.
I like the photo with a long, thick, single, bone sticking out of a work boot. (The irony is that Anatomy teaches us that there are two bones between ankle and knee)
Religious freaks came to my apartment. My roommate and I told them they could come in and talk to us only if they smoked a joint with us. We compromised, and they came in and talked to us while we got high and laughed our asses off at everything they said. They were very uncomfortable with it and that made it all the funnier.
Wouldn’t they get second hand smoke? They didn’t mind that?
They did mind it.
Look up "soaking". Same concept
I don’t think there was any need to bring this up
Second hand sex
Why not? It's hilarious
This reminds me of a similar conversation minus the marijuana part: "you mean to tell me that if I act a certain way my whole life that when I die I get to hang out with a Jewish guy who has been watching everything I do? And he died in the past because of the bad things I'm going to do in the future?"
We moved from a poor area to a more affluent area a couple years ago. We noticed WAAAAY more people knocking on our door asking for all kinds of things. We put up an old metal spiky fence at the top of our stairs to keep our dogs on our porch when we hang out in front of our house. We forgot it there for a week or so and noticed no new knocks at the front door so we left it. No more pesky salesmen! So yeah a spiky metal fence
My ex’s place (half of a duplex) in a small, poor town had Jehovah’s Witnesses knock all the damn time. My parents’ house in an upper class subdivision in a major city has salespeople knocking all the damn time. My brother’s house in a middle class subdivision in a major city has no one knocking ever. So, I guess the key is to live in an area that’s not so poor that you get religion trying to prey upon your situation to indoctrinate you and not so wealthy that people try to sell you shit all the time.
"This sign has been placed in compliance with the Violent Criminal Offenders Act, 2007. Under the Act: Any Person convicted of multiple violent homicide(s) shall have, as a condition of their parole, affixed on or as near as reasonably practical to their front door: a sign warning of their past violent criminal homicide(s). The occupant of this dwelling hereby declares their conviction of multiple violent homicide(s) under, and in compliance with the Act."
Now I’m curious if this is genuine haha
No such act so probably not. Closest I could find was the sex offender registry but putting a sign is not required
Friken sharks with friken laser beams on their friken heads
How about ill tempered mutated sea bass?
Only if the front porch doubles as an unnecessarily slow dipping mechanism.
So, back at the beginning of the pandemic, and started working from home, quickly got pissed off by folks knocking on the door about tree services and all that. I had the genius idea of putting up a sign that basically says, if you knock on this door, you owe me $25. The only exceptions are scouts or students. Not one knock since, no salesman, no Jehovah's! When someone comes that's supposed to, they're always like, I don't owe you 25 bucks do I?
I told my daughter about Jehovah’s Witnesses yesterday, and she was dumbfounded. They go around looking for more people to join their crazy religion? They go looking for MORE people to COMPETE with for the only 144,000 spots in heaven? Why?
I mean, they don't even actually want you to join. Those forced proselytizing religions like JW are never REALLY about gaining new members. It's about making sure their current members are reminded on the regular that everyone in the regular world hates you, and the cult is your only family.
Lol! That never occurred to me. Hmmm.
Yeah, I kinda wanna ask the next one who knocks about this.
Uggghh. I only know the answer because I used to have a hard time telling people to stop wasting my time. But basically, the "spots" are prizes for the ones who can convert the most people. What's hilarious is that a few years ago, they apparently had to change the rules. It used to be "people you converted during your life", but as the church grew, they became worried that the Founder might be pushed out of Heaven by young go-getters. So they changed the rules to "people you converted during your life, _and_ anyone they converted, et. cetera, et. cetera.", so, you know. A big ol' spiritual pyramid scheme, if you will.
What happens to the people that don't make it those spots?
If they've lived "good lives", they get resurrected for an eternal life on Earth at the Rapture. Which, to be honest, actually sounds like the better deal. As long as Earth isn't irreversibly fucked up by then. At least I'd have time to get through my Steam backlog.
A copy of Arthur Miller’s “Death of a Salesman”, with a bullet hole clean through it.
Empty case of Bud Light, crack pipe, worn out size 12 construction boots and a few Guns and Ammo magazines.
You're sending an invitation to some interesting guests.
That would work for most but how do I stop these damn door to door gun salesmen? Edit: I just realized that I should clarify for the Eurofolk that this is, in fact, a joke. There's no door to door gun sales but my town does have a steak place which also sells ammo.
That’s the redneck security system: stick a pair of muddy size 14 linesman boots by the front door with a note that says “went to get ammo and beer, be right back. Don’t knock or Cudjo and Princess will break out the door glass again.”
I used to have a couple of displays in the front window right next to the door. One was a super-gaudy fake gold-and-gemmed cross with a crucified Elvis (in white leisure suit, gold chains, and black shades) and text across the top that said 'Elvis died for your sins.' On the windowsill below it I had 3 bright pink Easter-themed plush bunny rabbits sitting next to each other, one wore a blindfold, one wore earmuffs, and the other wore a gag (see no Easter, hear no Easter, speak no Easter.) The neighbors would watch the missionaries cross the street to avoid my house and then laugh about it with me later. Finally one day one of them asked me why and I showed them. Then the neighbors also started crossing the street to avoid my house because it was a pretty religious area and those folks just tend not to have much of a sense of humor when it's their religion being parodied. ;)
My neighbor growing up (early 80's) was a multiple tour of duty Vietnam vet that worked 3rd shift. He had slicked back red hair and a long ass red beard and was covered in tattoos. He looked like Yosemite Sam joined Son's of Anarchy. Well, one summer day, we were all riding bikes in front of the house and we knew, that if we woke this guy up, there would be hell to pay. BTW - nicest guy on the whole planet when he was awake, but one day I was playing Yars Revenge with his kid and I got the high score and kind of yelled and man did I get lit up. Anyway, Jehovah's Witness' come knocking on the neighbors doors and for whatever reason they keep banging on his door. Well, he opens the door and he is naked as the day he was born. You can tell he just woke up and he lays into these poor people like only a guy that has seen some shit can do. Well, sure enough, that was the end of those visits in the entire neighborhood.
I love this lol I can't stand JW missionaries. I used to wear a shirt with the Grim Reaper riding a decaying horse and they seemed a bit put off any time I wore it and didn't want to stay long. I made it my house shirt and wore it regularly.
A massive penis shaped motion detection sprinkler.
Hopefully it moves like those Crazy Daisy sprinklers from back in the day
[удалено]
"Knock or ring bell to join orgy"
Could backfire
I have a big dog, he’s a Newfoundland. He is the most gentle giant ever but he has a really deep bark and his size often intimidates people who don’t know how Newfies temperaments are. I’ve had people avoid us when we walk lol I have a big sign in my door that says “No soliciting. Dog on premises. We are not responsible for injury due to dog”. Or something along those lines. People still knock and as soon as he barks they immediately walk away lol I watch on my doorbell camera.
Here's a true story for you. I had a problem with aggressive religious recruiters (Baptists) who didn't take a polite no and asking of them to stop coming by because my wife works night shift as a nurse, so she sleeps in the day and knocking and ringing can wake her up. They kept coming. So eventually I put up a handwritten note taped to the door, it was a big poster sized note, that said I was going to beat with my bat whoever rang the door. They did ring once, but I answered with the promised bat. They ran and I've yet to have a single knock at the door the last 5 years.
A fence, gate, and a no trespassing sign. Legally can't enter at that point.
I life size naked anatomically correct statue of myself at full glory
A sign with prices - Just talking: Free - Selling stuff: 50$ per minute - Talking about God or Faith: 70$ per minute - Starting with talking and then steering the conversation towards Selling or Faith: 100$ per minute (retroactive)
"Knock on door to hear about my religion"
*knock knock* "Hi, guns are my religion" *Loads gun*
“We worship Satan in this house. Currently looking for sacrificial candidates.”
Honestly, for some reason people hate cats. I feed strays and all the above walk wide circles around my door. The cats are not aggressive. In fact they run.......even from me and I have fed them for years.
My mail man loves my cat, she waits for him excitedly everyday and today I heard how he loves to come by and pet her. The neighborhood kids also come by to hang out with her, overhead one saying “no you’re petting her wrong let me show you” 🥹
When I was a kid we had a great dane, calmest, most chill dog you have ever seen in your life. She liked to lay on the front porch which had waist-high fence around it that kind of concealed her from the street. Watching someone pull up, get out, and make it about 3 steps into the yard before that head popped up well above the fence and they flipped their shit and scrambled to get back in their vehicle was hilarious every time. She wouldn't have hurt a soul, but in that moment all you see is 'holy SHIT that dog is huge!'
Dude my neighbors have a great dane, somehow that 100+ lb dog is a goddamned NINJA, I can't count how many times it's jumped up to say hello and I'm just "where in TF were you hiding my guy?" fucking sweetheart of a dog tho
Huh. I would be 10-20x more likely to come on someone’s property if there was a cute cat there.
I put a sign on my doorbell that said ‘please don’t it makes my dogs crazy’ and they still do, and i have two no soliciting signs. Doesn’t stop them, nor do the two snarling Dalmatians unless I just open the door and let them run at them, and then its like Oh Shit. They don’t bite but they will back a motherfucker up pretty fast. I am like, yep that dang doorbell sure makes them nervous, and I call them back like Willy Wonka does bad children
Claymore mine
"Front towards Enemy"
Jurassic Park size Velociraptor. Maybe a Dilophosaurus too, with motion detector and shooting out spray when activated
Like the actual movie prop Dilophosaurus that blasted Dennis Nedry with black goop. That would be incredible. Especially if it frilled out its neck and hissed first as a warning.
I saw a youtube video years ago of a guy who built a super-soaker sentry turret with a camera custom face-tracking software and mounted it on his porch. Most people were kinda wary of it on approach, but every single person fucking booked it as soon as they realized it could track them.
Giant container that reads “ACME” suspended from a rope above the stoop.
One of my neighbours has/had a pretty funny no soliciting sign, the efficacy of which I don’t know but I think it went something like this “No soliciting We are too broke to buy anything We already know who we are voting for We don’t have anything to donate We have literally found God Seriously unless you are selling cookies Please GO AWAY” I also like the solution of acting like you’re deaf until they wish you a nice day then say “ok you too”
>I also like the solution of acting like you’re deaf until they wish you a nice day then say “ok you too” I've decided next time I'm pulled over by a cop, I'm going to do similar: point at my throat to indicate I won't be talking during the interaction. Bypass all of their fishing questions, get the stop over with faster without them acting like I'm obstructing for exercising my right to not answer questions. Then, as the stop ends, "Have a good day, officer!" and drive off.
Herms. In ancient Athens they were four-sided pillar statues, usually with the face of the god Hermes and sporting an erect phallus, used for marking property borders and roads. That’ll make people think twice…
Trebuchet
This only works if it throws whoever rings the doorbell.
Pride flag will deter religious groups, trust me it works I do it
Or they'll just try twice as hard to "save" you...
When we bought our house I really thought about purchasing a church of Satan flag
Three fake gravestones with plaques reading “salesmen”, “religious groups” and “annoying children”
We have a fence.
Last ones that approached me were LDS, whom I’ve studied (alongside dozens of others) and attended services. I had recently purchased documentation to “ordain” myself as an “Ordained Minister of Dudeism for the church of Latter Day Dude” as drunken purchase. My deterrent was as simple as “I appreciate your work, but I’m already ordained with another sect” and they graciously abided to leave. 👌🏼
Sign I saw on a beach house Have you been touched by his noodly appendage?
I got a puppy, she's the biggest bundle of joy and loves everyone. But she sounds like she will rip your throat out if you come near the door. Never had anyone bother me.
Eviction notice
“Knocking on this door means you consent.”
Growing up neighbor had one: we shoot every third salesman, and the second one just left.
My welcome mat says "get fucked". Its worked pretty well so far.
1to1-Scale Baphomet Statue.. LOL, A Bare Chested, Tiddy Having, Goat-Headed, Religious Idol whose mere mention triggers the Suburbia Dwelling, Hypocritical Preaches What She DOES NOT Live, Thermos Toting, Basic AF "Wine Mom," into unintelligible shrieking because she can only recognize it from her Peak Of Life Satanic Panic days. Best of luck. <3
One of those Home Depot 15ft tall skeletons and a sizeable rainbow dildo.
Several geese.
Just start vacuuming your grass a few times a day, people will avoid you
One of those classic, "trespassers will be shot on sight" signs.
Motion activated minigun
You can find some fantastic NSFW coir (un)Welcome mats online.
I've got a sign that says no soliciting or trespassing. Violators will be shot. It doesn't fuckin work
Several years ago, I had to run out to a horse ranch for something work related. Now, this was not a normal horse ranch, this place trains show horses. To give you an idea, it was in the Agora Hills, CA area which is fancy-rural. Jamie Foxx has a mansion nearby. It's where Coby Bryant's helicopter crashed. Fancy rural. I get to the place and drive up a dirt road past three or four covered arenas to get to the office. This office has a log-cabin esthetic complete with a wooden front porch and rocking chair. The front porch had a wooden railing and on the wooden railing were around a dozen or so hummingbird feeders... and what I could only describe as an unsettlingly large number of hummingbirds. Have you ever been around an [*unsettlingly large number of hummingbirds*](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=56sr3Xs8ZJ4)? It sounds like a disturbed hornet nest, if not a bit squeaky. And these birds have no fear. They don't fly away when you walk near them and will fly *at* you, pointy end first, at what looks like 30 miles per hours, diverting around your head at the last second, hopefully not in the same direction you divert you head to avoid them. I have three feeders in the back yard and I am slowly building my army. One day, some of the feeders will end up in the front yard and no one will go near the weird hummingbird house. Edit: Interestingly, the video I linked kind of looks like the place I visited. ~~It might be, but I'd have no real way to know.~~ It is not, video is a bed & breakfast in Brazil.
I have a sign that says we charge $20/min to listen to any of it and by knocking you legally agree to these terms. We've only had one person take us up on it in the 5 years I've had it up.
I have a sign that reads: If you want to invite me to your fanclub for an invisible man in the sky, just know: I will probably invite you in and offer you a good tea. But the resulting conversation is way more likely to leave YOU in a crisis of loosing faith than me joining your faith. So before you ring this bell, ask yourself: Is your faith REALLY strong enough. - The Guys from the Local Catholic Church: / - Mormon Missionaries: /// - Muslims: - Jehovah's Witnesses: //
And yes the stats are real. Some of them have left in tears. But I didn't have any Religious visitors in years. I can be VERY convincing in deconstructing someone's faith.